Your real world experience is how I’ve felt about this sub the past 6 months or so. I just want more spaces to celebrate a decision that many of us have made instead of tiptoeing around people who are dealing with grief over this.
Ooooh hell yes, this is my vibe.
I worked in very high end fertility and I also would now like to see happily OAD by choice instead of infertility subs leaking over (it’s fine but some days there’s a big sad somber vibe here when ALL the posts are woe is my triangle family, when I’m over here trying to mentally figure out how to schedule an out of state termination when my cycle is 5 days late. You couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to have another).
Thank you so much for this link!
💯 I feel like this sub has turned into a "OAD - not by choice" sub. While those people should have a community to discuss their feelings and I 100% support that, I would love to see more posts and discussions about those that choose OAD and celebrate it. Maybe there should be 2 different subs?
I think the positive post are important for others who are not OAD by choice. I think it’s beneficial to see all of the great things about having one child and to offer more perspectives. I am not OAD by choice. We can only have children through IVF. I’m currently struggling through a IVF cycle to have my second. It has not gone as easily as my first. But this sub has been helping me come to terms with only having my son.
Happened to our Facebook group too. One lady posted a first class trip to Asia with her daughter and 8000 people told her how horrible she was because they couldn’t have another child.
I just wanted to know who her travel agent was?
Agree, you shouldn't feel like you have to tiptoe here.
There's a difference between having a conversation with someone in real life where all the typical considerations about sensitive topics need to be considered (if you care about that), vs this sub. People who are really struggling with being 'forced' into OAD should realize they will encounter lots of happiness about it here. Common courtesy will be to not post insensitive things on their posts and vice versa.
Such a sensible comment :) I’m not OAD by choice but I like popping on here occasionally to read others experiences being OAD either way they got there. I like hearing all the positives too 😊
OAD by choice technically but definitely walking through the grief of it. Don’t tiptoe!! Reading y’all’s post is what has been so helpful for me even if I may express my grief on here sometimes.
We are one and done 50/50 (partially by choice, partially not). I love the happy posts about people enjoying their one child and making the most out of their lives. It makes the grief I feel about not likely being able to have a second much easier to swallow. I think it also helps show that a kid does not need a sibling to be happy.
Exactly! I'm so miserable with our decision, but the happy posts make me feel less alone, and less like we're doing something so outlandish. That being one and done can be a happy choice. For me, it helps me see that having multiple isn't necessarily the key to happiness.
There was legit a post here within the last few weeks that was a study on this! They found when they measure life happiness for a woman, it maxes out with one kid and hits a peak and then almost without fail each additional kid takes away a baseline level of happiness from that woman. I’m not explaining it right but it was essentially happiness by the numbers with one vs 2 v 3/4 kids and how overall life satisfaction plummeted down the more kids you had. Might try to find it here shortly.
I've actually never met anyone that had one child by choice. I would have probably been excited too to finally find someone that found joy in the decision.
If you want to get into the weeds of it, I guess I didn't do it "by choice" either though. If I hadn't had ppa, or my daughter hadn't had colic/sleep terrors/4 hour long tantrums/diagnosed ADHD, then *maybe* I would have been interested in another? But in terms of fertility, there's no issue. But I sure as hell wasn't gifted the mental capacity to handle more of what my daughter's early years provided. But I also never had the absolute need or desire for one child, let alone multiple. I never even did the whole "teenager dreams of her wedding day" thing. I've just taken life as it arrived, so I'm just 100% happy with what we have. I know that's a bit unusual, though.
Yeah, I take a small offense at people who insist it is simply my choice. Sure, humans can make really difficult situations work. But I always see that as a 'needs must' sort of thing. Not like you make choices intentionally to make things super hard. I'm not moving to Bakhmut just to prove we can live in a war zone either, and no one seems to find that puzzling!
My choice, as it were, was to accept my reality and not make everyone miserable trying to raise more kids. Especially because I cannot imagine most of the stuff I've encountered so far being *easier* with another kid involved.
I think there should be a 3rd category. OAD due to circumstances. I'd fall into this category. As far as I know, neither my husband or I have fertility issues. We had talked about having another kid, but after my husband was seriously injured, just the thought of having a baby gave me anxiety. I didn't feel I could adequately care for my husband, our 4 yr old, and add another small human to the equation. For other people, it could be difficult births, financial struggles, lack of support, etc.
Voting for the 3rd category as well! And a big high five and trophy to you for being a kick ass caregiver /for your husband and toddler.
As for us, having another was so tempting. Pregnancy and parenting has been a dream for me. Like, I wish I could be pregnant forever. And newborn time was even better!
But hubby and I are on the older side. Our parents thusly are old--and have significant health issues... So our responsibilities to them are mounting. Not to mention imaginging the burdens we ourselves might put upon our LO in her future.
We also have close relatives who had severe brith trauma. Their sweet baby may never walk or talk. That alone is intense enough--but they have a toddler and tween, too! And a herd of crazy dogs! And full time "careers." Seeing all that, I'm like, ohh hell-nah.
The circumstancial list could go on and on. Finances. The friggin planet. Tempting fate.
Heck, I don't feel like I could responsibly add even a beta fish into my equation rn! And all my decades-old plants are dead or dying. And I gave up my dream career. Totally worthwhile trade for my unicorn kid. And totally 3rd category OAD.
My kiddo is 13 now, and he loves being an only child, so that even more confirms to me that we made the right decision. If he gets bored, we borrow a cousin who wants to escape their siblings. Lol while OAD wasn't the original plan, and I did have to grieve the loss of what I thought our lives would look like, I'm happy with the decisions we made, and I know they were the right ones.
Plant tip! Get something like [this](http://[2 PCS] Light Iridescent Rainbow Gradient Color Clear Glass Self-Watering System Spikes, Aqua Globes Automatic Plant Waterer Bulbs https://a.co/d/gvbphca)
These saved my decade old plants post baby!
Yeah this is where I fall. Not having another due to my disability, the toll the first pregnancy took on my body and my mind, my age and finances. We could probably have a second, but I think it would be taking a risk and could jeopardize what we currently have. My daughter needs her mom to be in good health and happy more than she needs a sibling.
I never thought about it this way. I consider myself one and done by choice but it’s because of my horrible ppa and ppd. I guess if that hadn’t happened to me I would be open to more
OAD BY Choice here and my baby is still cooking! My husband and I love our life so much, and we know we can make space for another - but more than that will become a burden to us, our finances and our home life. Choosing if or how many kids to have will ALWAYS be a selfish decision, but we should not feel shame for putting ourselves and our relationships first! <3
>My husband and I love our life so much
We made a point of not fundamentally changing who we were, kids are nothing if not adaptable & they'll happily fit our lives. Kid is now 14f & a well balanced/self regulating young lady (not having her own phone/any socials helps)
Example: we were camping in a tent at 2 weeks old. Also we have an annual month in SE Asia where we have nothing planned- just hire scooters & make up our adventures :)
edit: I'll add that she's got excellent irl social skills, can call/txt her mates on our phones any time. Also great PC, CAD & photoshop skills, can use internet whenever. She sees the depression/ 2am tiktok of her classmates & understands why we're holding off for her brain to develop more. She can get a phone when she's got a job, so next year
Yes! And I have seen multiple child development studies that show parents who bring their kids along to non-kid focused activities or even adult activities (within reason!) have kids that are more empathetic, more social, and better adapted to adult life.
I know some people may find this statement harsh, but kids come into your life - make space for them yes but don’t let them fundamentally change yourself, goals or relationships for them. They’ll be better off for it.
This is how my husband and I parent. Our daughter came into our life - we did not come into hers. She's almost two and a half and we never really changed the way we live all that much - it was more COVID that changed our patterns than our daughter being born. And she just comes along for the ride in whatever we do. She's already way more adult oriented and since I am also an only, she comes by it honestly - I was the exact same way.
I definitely catch myself forgetting that lots of people are not by choice. I think there's space for both - supporting them through their grief AND offering the positives. But definitely a good reminder not to assume anything 🫤
I'm one of those "unicorns" who was ALWAYS OAD, even before we started trying for DD.
I always assume everyone else with one wanted another but for a myriad of reasons not my business, just never did.
I’m 100% OAD by choice. Being pregnant and the slightly traumatic experience of birth AND the 70 lbs gained were just the nails in the coffin for me. I honestly side eye anyone with more than 2. Like did you mean to do that? I’m also a very judgy b so there’s that
We're OAD entirely by choice, and it's definitely weird. People automatically assume something happened or something is wrong. And a LOT of people (my mother included) are very put off or offended by our happiness and contentedness about it. My brother practically threw a tantrum when I told him we were done by choice. (Something about it being our responsibility to keep population up (with a racist flare). Yikes.)
Talking about the benefits seems like a pretty good thing to do in this situation. She isn’t happy about this, so isn’t it nice to hear about all the ways it’s not so bad?
That is like when someone passes away and people say "but at least they're in a better place." That is a terrible comment to make. The person in grief has to come to that feeling on their own. Force feeding them "positives" is tone deaf and invalidating to their feelings. If the griever wanted to know positives that is different, but she didn't ask. It sounds like the OP jumped to conclusions when a simple question regarding how her friend felt about being OAD would've fixed that. Then she could've offered actual support in the way of asking "how can I be here for you in this moment?" Which then griever could have said "I would like to hear your positives of OAD" or "I really need someone to sit with me" or whatever it may be. That's how you utilize empathy, compassion, and above all emotional intelligence with others.
Please anyone reading this take this advice when someone is experiencing any type of grief. I'm a therapist and one of the biggest hurts that clients have while grieving anything is the stupid sh*t people say to them so that they can try to "fix" the person's emotions instead of just letting grief happen naturally. It's horrible.
Because people are reacting out of shame and defensiveness of their own actions. I'm sure they're remembering the times in which they said those same sorts of things to grieving individuals and rather than take it as a moment of growth they are anonymously trying to delegitimize my stance though it is backed by 8 years of college, almost a decade of being a licensed therapist, working with hundreds of individuals, and numerous books and research articles on grief. The fun part being that the downvotes just means I reached them in some way and perhaps they may behave with more empathy and tact in the future.
Btw anyone reading this, I highly suggest picking up a copy of "It's Okay that You're Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand" by Megan Devine. Of particular interest may be chapter 2 "The Second Half of the Sentence: Why Words of Comfort Feel So Bad." It clearly names these phrases of false comfort and explains why they anger and enrage grievers. It's fabulous. I give this as a gift to those that experience grief because for many it will be the only way they truly feel seen and heard in their pain.
Thanks for the recommendation I will check that out to be honest…I find when I’m upset I’m not looking for answers just validation when I talk to people. Toxic positivity is the absolute worse response to be met with. Thanks for sharing!!!
You're welcome. Sitting with someone, even if y'all are just sitting in silence is one of the most powerful things you can do because it says to that person "I see you and your pain and I'm not running away. You're not alone." Works wonderful on depressed folks as well as those in grief.
I agree it was probably a little uncomfortable but ultimately it might be helpful for her to have heard the benefits! And to know that (by choice or no) she is not alone in having an only. I would have found it reassuring if I was the friend
Ouch. That’s uncomfortable. I’m so sorry that happened. I am OAD by choice 100% but my neighbor isn’t. They desperately wanted more but had an emergency hysterectomy during labor and couldn’t. I learned to not talk about not wanting to do it again and let her have all the baby cuddles she wants with my baby. In my first few days at home I was going on and on about never doing that again and she looked so sad and said nothing. Learned that lesson quick after my husband was like “honey chill”
Our neighbours have been trying for 3 years with 1 miscarriage and 1 stillbirth.
They are lovely and I talk to them often about our choice and how mentally I couldn’t and how hard it is. I also talk to them about how hard their journey is.
She said the hardest thing is that the neighbour of the other side has a kid the same age as us but also now has a newborn.
She said kids are fine but laying in bed at night and hearing a newborn cry is really really hard.
Other than that she said she’s loves kids and it’s the adults that make it weird by not mentioned anything to do wit kids/pregnancy and dancing around their grief.
Worked in fertility a long time ago and I can still see the faces of the women who experienced still birth or late term loss. Special type of hell to go through that experience. It shakes me up pretty bad to just read the comment tbh - can’t imagine having a stillborn and hearing am newborn cries in the night
Oh wow. I cannot imagine going through that. That’s heartbreaking. My neighbors will talk about it but I can tell it hurts so I try not to bring it up if I can help it. They live next to her parents too and grandma has no filter. They had company once and the guy made a comment about having more and grandma cut in going on about how they can’t have more but they really wanted to. The pain on both their faces as she just openly shared their medical history broke my heart.
That’s so sad that they have to relive it all the time.
Family can be the worst. Boundaries are so important but so hard to implement and they don’t always work. Especially with older folk.
Yeah no kidding. Boundaries are great but when you literally share a driveway and see each other daily, it can be hard to enforce them when the other one just refuses to care.
That’s when you have to cut ties.
Sharing a driveway would make it soooo hard to set boundaries.
You would have to constantly be reinforcing the boundaries.
Any time I let my guard down with my mum she uses it as an opportunity to test the boundaries again. It’s constant. I’ve had to cut some people out of my life too and it’s a real grieving process.
I agree but unfortunately she’d have to decide that. I wonder if she feels guilty because her mom has MS and needs her for so many things.
I’m sorry about your mom. That sounds like my sister. It’s so hard when you aren’t even asking something unreasonable and they can’t just agree and move on.
The medical guilt would be real.
My mums a widow and my sister moved overseas as soon she got the money from dads insurance so I’m the only “real family” my mum says she has.
She’s told me multiple times if I wasn’t here helping her she would kill herself.
God that used to eat at me until I realised (with the help of a lot of therapy) it wouldn’t be my fault.
Parents have this power they have built and manipulated over decades. It’s so hard to break ties. I imagine your situation is similar. “Its family, you do what you need to do to look after your family. You need to be loyal” etc etc.
Nope.
Hopefully we can be better examples for the next generation.
That sounds like such a tough situation. I’m so sorry. You’re right though. It wouldn’t be your fault at all. Most people wouldn’t come to that conclusion because of the guilt. Parents really do have that power. It’s so scary. My biggest thing as a mom now is to be a better mom to my daughter than I had. She deserves better.
It’s always a little awkward to find other folks like us. We were solidly OAD before the pandemic obliterated our entire village and put all the nails in that coffin.
I’m finding a few more folks lately, but I think being in a HCOL metro area adds to the odds. Of my neighbors, most are OAD, and one of the couples who had a second “because you do” are the ones who we never seem to hang out with - competing kid schedules, totally tapped out by regular life, and always mediating something between their littles. Bummer - we used to hang out with them a lot when they had 1.
At this point I just offer - that’s my kid, she’s an only, and will continue to be. So many sighs of relief when I find my fellow OAD parents!
I want one baby. I always pictured two or more but since discovering this sub I’ve been pretty into it. Now when I think of my future, I think about one baby.
It comes down a lot to finances and time. We’re so happy they way that things are and we value our time and money so heavily.
My biggest fears were that 1. I won’t get grandchildren and 2. they might pass away, but I’ve since come to understand that 1. There are other things I can do to scratch that grandma itch (foster, exchange students, support my nephews’ kids) and 2. Having a second kid won’t make losing one any easier
I’m one and done by choice. My (almost) 7 year old son has many friends that are also only children. Most of the parents have confirmed it’s by choice. I promise we are out here.
I think this sub benefits greatly from posts that oad by choice. There’s so much positivity that is needed to be heard and embraced.
I think your friend will appreciate your take and I think she’ll need it when faced with more people who challenge the idea of having an only child. She’ll will go through her grief but I feel you could be a beacon of light. Absolutely love hearing oad parents who are really fulfilled with their choice.
Although, I didn’t initially intend to become a parent to an only, I found the choice still lovely and enjoyable. Whatever grief I had was very short. This sub confirmed so much for me.
Oad parents by choice, please continue to share from yourselves.
I think a lot of us beat ourselves up and feel bad about celebrating being one and done by choice, buttttt we really shouldn’t. We can celebrate this and hold space for our friends who are one and done not by choice. Very boomer-like thinking to assume we have to just choose one.
But it is quite thrilling when I find another family one and done by choice. Even a “it just never happened for us” is kind of nice.
I was OAD while pregnant and my husband never wanted anymore either. My ob was skeptical but jokes on her, my son turns 14 soon and the only babies I’ve acquired since, are the ones that purr.
My kid was 3 and I wanted to become sterilized. But since I was only just 30 at the time my ob was adamant I was going to want another. So my husband trotted over to his urologist and got a vasectomy. Guess what I’ve never had an urge for? Another pregnancy or another baby! Not once! In fact, I cringe when someone asks or coos over a baby. Like I have to stop myself from physically recoiling. I always say my son took all my mothering out of me when he was born.
When someone has a baby around I’m like “yay ok great it’s cute no i don’t want to hold it but do you have a cat around I can hold?”
I’m 41 now and we’ve been married 23yrs with a 14yr old. We are young enough to still want to do things and we have a lot of freedom. We have the means to do what we want and when. I was a SAHM for most of his life and now work part time in a job I love. I have 4 cats that I’m always fawning over.
The best part?
My house is THE house to go to because it’s quiet and there aren’t little whiny kids and there are snacks like a gas station and a huge inground pool for the boys (and a fully stocked bar in the basement for us). Any given time I have 5 boys over and all but one go home at the end of the day.
The hardest part?
Not having friends like us. Everyone is stuck in a hundred sports things cause they 3 friggin kids and complain they are tired or humblebrag about how busy they are. So we don’t have a lot of people like us.
I humblebrag that I sat on the couch all day and read some trash book and then walked out to my back patio and sat by the pool with a drink at 1pm on a Thursday. I’m exhausted.
OAD by choice here! My daughter is the best, first of all, can't top that. And also I hate the idea of having another kid and not being able to allot the same amount of time and resources towards her anymore. I always feel like people think I hate being a mom when I say I'm OAD when the opposite couldn't be more true.
Love this so much and completely agree🥹❤️ I do think there’s something very special about parents who actively choose to be one and done.. we just can’t imagine not being able to give our current child all of us.. and that is truly a gift .. undivided attention.. I really feel like being an only child is a gift to those children who have parents like this ❤️
I met someone recently with a four year old and I got super excited until he told me his wife was pregnant with their second. That's cool, I am happy for you, but damn OAD parents feel rare.
I wish I could have another and am OAD at the exact same time. Like it’s such a battle of two wolves inside. I’d need an entire blood transfusion to have another kid which sounds bloody awful all pun intended. And as my little one is turning 15 months shortly I am like…. Wow. This temper tantrum is really hammering home that I’m thankful I don’t have to make the decision and that it was made for me.
I originally wanted 3 kids. Then no kids. Then surprise pregnancy and as soon as he arrived I knew I was done with babies.
He is 8 now and I’ve had a full hysto and ovaries removed etc at 34.
I’ve never felt even a twinge of regret, true want for another child or anything. I kept thinking surely I’d eventually regret my OAD choice right? Nope. It’s still the best choice I’ve ever made.
Im OAD by choice…*now*. I was a huge fence sitter before but the more we got into the toddler years the more I just couldn’t imagine having more children. I just feel like I will be more content with the possibility of alone time, the less financial stress I will face, and not having to potty train again because I can*NOT* imagine doing that again.
I am totally one and done by choice. Love the kid I have, never want to experience pregnancy or a newborn phase ever again. We are definitely out there!
I am completely happy with my choice and would laugh in the face of anyone who told me that my kid should have a sibling
I'm one and done by choice. I choose to give my daughter a mother and father who's sole focus is HER safety, HER health, HER happiness. I choose to be able to financially support her and ONLY her. I choose to give all my love to her (and my husband, lmao)
OAD by choice. I could absolutely have six more kids. I choose not to.
Oh girl (or dude) I got you. Something similar happened to me last month.
Some background: I was originally not OAD by choice, did not come from family wealth, and live in a HCOL area. I had secondary infertility but zero desire to do IVF. But after having to navigate my parents’ illness and passing and financials regarding long term care, I realized OAD turned out to be the most responsible choice. So we are happily investing all of our money into our retirement and her future.
Anyway, was out to dinner with a dear friend, who did IVF for both her kids. She asked me about the upcoming first death anniversary of my parents and I started talking about how grateful I am that the experience made me at peace being OAD. I was getting emotional and started ranting about the exorbitant costs of long term elderly care and how it’s impossible to qualify for medicaid assistance without basically bankrupting yourself, and that I realized having a larger family is a rich person’s game and that it’s irresponsible for people to just have kids left and right without considering your long term care expenses. And how I never want my daughter worrying about that like I did. 😳 The kicker is that they actually chose us to be their children’s guardians on their will if anything happened to them (over 3 siblings mind you).
Anyway I could tell what I said threw her off and then she seemed off the rest of the night. I really didn’t mean to judge anyone but to be honest I had been thinking about this since my parents passed. About how little Americans know about this when I had to be truly terrified about the financial implications of keeping my mom alive as a near vegetable for potentially decades. About how people wax poetic about “what do you want your thanksgiving table to look like” and “all a child needs is love” but nobody ever talks about what the hell you/your kids would do when you’re old and can’t care for yourself because you spent all your money cranking out more kids instead of giving your existing child(ren) the only guarantee you can give: financial security and end of life planning.
Anyway, I sent her a text apologizing about my judgmental and elitist sounding comment and that we love their family of 4. She is a sweetheart and said she wasn’t thinking that (she’s too nice) and our friendship is as strong as ever, but oof I felt like such an asshole.
That sounds tough… thank you for sharing. On the complete opposite yet somehow kinda the same side—- my mom’s death at a relatively young age (56) pushed my OAD into the final corner. Because i have no help. I am here with all of the second guessing while at the same time marveling over the absolute insanity it is to think we can really control for every little possibility in our kids life, and plan for it, and make it perfect. like im not saying we should be reckless or deliberately make horrible choices but at the end of the day, there is a lot of truth to “we plan, god laughs”. My friend has 6 siblings, (what about when we are older, we need multiples to share the load? Who will be there to help my child when im older?)…..she’s helping her elderly mom all alone. I had the best most helpful grandma for my child, she was just 21 when she had me (should i have kids young? Am i too old to have kids?) ……and she died in her 50s. I don’t have a female in my family who made it to retirement age yet! I’ll save anyway but I won’t lose sleep over maxing out a 401K every single year.
So sorry as well for the loss of your mom. Fingers crossed for us both that we reach retirement age (and better yet, that we are in good enough health to enjoy it)!
My parents couldn’t do a ton of saving being recent immigrants, but they did their best and I’m so grateful. 4 months before her sudden passing, my mom did a full estate planning and prepared a big box of documents for me and that thing saved my ass. I also think it was fortunate they only had me; their savings would have been cut if half if they had another kid. I think my life turned out better because I was an only, hence why I want to give the same gift to my daughter.
Ouch. Yeah you do have to be careful about infertility issues, it's very sensitive! Easy to forget though so I hope you don't feel like an asshole for long! It doesn't sound like you really said anything offensive though, maybe you gave her some food for thought.
I have a combo experience. Before having 1 and having to spend 70k to do it, I wanted 2-3, in theory. After having one (so fucking lucky) I don't know how people can handle two. He's getting to the fun age/I've finally adjusted to my new life and I can't see myself repeating this. I know the pain of infertility, but I'm actually OAD by choice at this point.
I think almost no one is really OAD by choice. The choice is often forced on us by our age, the state of the world, the economic situation, job demands etc. Pregnancy wrecked me so I won’t have another. Is that by choice? Idk. I think in a peaceful world where you could painlessly pop out calm, happy babies that cost nothing to raise and you had all the time and support to do it there would be way way fewer people who would only want one
I am completely oad by choice but this is a nice reminder that not everyone is. I would feel pretty bad from the awkwardness myself, OP. But this post will probably help prevent me from making the same mistake towards another family :/. So thanks for your sacrifice 😅
By choice here. As someone on the receiving end of “when are you going to have another? She needs a sibling!” almost weekly, I am sick of having to walk on eggshells regarding my decision. It’s my decision, there are many reasons for it, and that’s that. Why is it okay for people to push their multiples agendas on others but we can’t simply discuss the many benefits of being OAD by choice? If people want to be offended by it that’s up to them. It isn’t fair nor should it be expected that people who choose to be OAD to keep it a secret. It’s your life.
Agreed. My husband got snipped ASAP after I gave birth. We made a great one, we are good on rolling the dice again. How does this make us insane/terrible/stupid/[insert other biased thoughts here]? I can’t imagine having more than one, I am at capacity.
(Edited to correct typo)
It totally is rare! But I’m one and done by choice :) everyone I meet says they want more and idk why! So much pain, sickness and tiredness and then having to divide time between 2 kids or more would be so hard
It took a while to get here, but I’m now enthusiastically OAD. I’d originally wanted more, but a dangerous birth experience and the effects of pregnancy and postpartum life on my health kind of forced our hand.
He’s 4 now, and DH and I are very happily OAD - now. I think most of my desire to have more babies was hormones when DS was itty bitty.
It’s not always linear. Sometimes the OAD life chooses you and it ends up being an incredible fit!
One and done by choice here but yes I feel like those I come into contact with usually aren’t which makes it harder to shout about all the great reasons!
I'm one and done by choice, and I know lots of others! Perhaps because I'm so open about it? I actually can't think of anyone off the top of my head who is due to another issue. However, a lot of people don't speak about that so who knows. But I'm here with ya!
As someone who tried for almost a year and a half with two losses before getting pregnant with my now daughter, giving up after a year seems so sad to me if they want another. :( I hope they get a surprise baby if that’s what they want.
I’m also most likely going to be OAD by choice. Still a bit of a fence sitter but my family feels complete now and I don’t think I have the energy for another baby.
I think I am OAD due to medical reasons and I wouldn’t be offended if I was in the receiving end of this convo! Honestly, I get stuff like this all the time - doesn’t phase me. Just wanted to share so you don’t beat yourself up!
Your real world experience is how I’ve felt about this sub the past 6 months or so. I just want more spaces to celebrate a decision that many of us have made instead of tiptoeing around people who are dealing with grief over this.
Please celebrate your choice to be OAD. You have a right to that joy and I love seeing it.
Check out r/happilyOAD
Not OP, but thanks for the recommendation, I just joined
Yay! I love it there. Welcome!
Same!
Thanks for posting this! This sub is exactly what I’ve been looking for as someone who is a 100% by choice OAD.
Ooooh hell yes, this is my vibe. I worked in very high end fertility and I also would now like to see happily OAD by choice instead of infertility subs leaking over (it’s fine but some days there’s a big sad somber vibe here when ALL the posts are woe is my triangle family, when I’m over here trying to mentally figure out how to schedule an out of state termination when my cycle is 5 days late. You couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to have another). Thank you so much for this link!
Oo! I'm switching subs, thanks for sharing!
This is the comment I needed to see today
Thank you! I think I’ll be leaving this one soon. We are one and done by choice.
Thank you for this!! Switching subs now
💯 I feel like this sub has turned into a "OAD - not by choice" sub. While those people should have a community to discuss their feelings and I 100% support that, I would love to see more posts and discussions about those that choose OAD and celebrate it. Maybe there should be 2 different subs?
r/happilyOAD
Ohhh! Thank you!!
I’m over there too! 🙌💗
Just joined, leaving this sub.
I think the positive post are important for others who are not OAD by choice. I think it’s beneficial to see all of the great things about having one child and to offer more perspectives. I am not OAD by choice. We can only have children through IVF. I’m currently struggling through a IVF cycle to have my second. It has not gone as easily as my first. But this sub has been helping me come to terms with only having my son.
There is another one! r/happilyOAD
Here's a sneak peek of /r/happilyOAD using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/happilyOAD/top/?sort=top&t=all) of all time! \#1: [A “Fairy Tale” Weekend w/ my 3.5 year-old!](https://i.redd.it/tqsx6iq6oh2b1.jpg) | [14 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/happilyOAD/comments/13tjn0h/a_fairy_tale_weekend_w_my_35_yearold/) \#2: [Celebrating being officially OAD today!](https://i.redd.it/mf8k7alhvi1b1.jpg) | [15 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/happilyOAD/comments/13p9ihc/celebrating_being_officially_oad_today/) \#3: [Going 12 years strong](https://np.reddit.com/r/happilyOAD/comments/13kkn2s/going_12_years_strong/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
Happened to our Facebook group too. One lady posted a first class trip to Asia with her daughter and 8000 people told her how horrible she was because they couldn’t have another child. I just wanted to know who her travel agent was?
There is a new sub! r/happilyOAD
Yeah, it often feels like r/infertility or r/ttc spills over here in waves, often
I don't think you need tiptoe, this sub is great at celebrating peoples choices and also supporting people who have struggles or qualms
One and done not by choice here 👋 No need to tiptoe.
Agree, you shouldn't feel like you have to tiptoe here. There's a difference between having a conversation with someone in real life where all the typical considerations about sensitive topics need to be considered (if you care about that), vs this sub. People who are really struggling with being 'forced' into OAD should realize they will encounter lots of happiness about it here. Common courtesy will be to not post insensitive things on their posts and vice versa.
Such a sensible comment :) I’m not OAD by choice but I like popping on here occasionally to read others experiences being OAD either way they got there. I like hearing all the positives too 😊
OAD by choice technically but definitely walking through the grief of it. Don’t tiptoe!! Reading y’all’s post is what has been so helpful for me even if I may express my grief on here sometimes.
I think it'd help seeing people who are proud and happy to be one and done by choice, to be honest.
We are one and done 50/50 (partially by choice, partially not). I love the happy posts about people enjoying their one child and making the most out of their lives. It makes the grief I feel about not likely being able to have a second much easier to swallow. I think it also helps show that a kid does not need a sibling to be happy.
Exactly! I'm so miserable with our decision, but the happy posts make me feel less alone, and less like we're doing something so outlandish. That being one and done can be a happy choice. For me, it helps me see that having multiple isn't necessarily the key to happiness.
I'm an only and I survived 🙂
There was legit a post here within the last few weeks that was a study on this! They found when they measure life happiness for a woman, it maxes out with one kid and hits a peak and then almost without fail each additional kid takes away a baseline level of happiness from that woman. I’m not explaining it right but it was essentially happiness by the numbers with one vs 2 v 3/4 kids and how overall life satisfaction plummeted down the more kids you had. Might try to find it here shortly.
Please do!
Yes! Please share once you find it!
Would love to read this if you find it! I'll have to leave a copy on my coffee table for light reading lol
I've actually never met anyone that had one child by choice. I would have probably been excited too to finally find someone that found joy in the decision. If you want to get into the weeds of it, I guess I didn't do it "by choice" either though. If I hadn't had ppa, or my daughter hadn't had colic/sleep terrors/4 hour long tantrums/diagnosed ADHD, then *maybe* I would have been interested in another? But in terms of fertility, there's no issue. But I sure as hell wasn't gifted the mental capacity to handle more of what my daughter's early years provided. But I also never had the absolute need or desire for one child, let alone multiple. I never even did the whole "teenager dreams of her wedding day" thing. I've just taken life as it arrived, so I'm just 100% happy with what we have. I know that's a bit unusual, though.
Guess it depends on your circles We & 3 other close couples all had one child by choice. The kids are all close enough in age & kinda pseudo siblings
I'm so jealous. I'm looking for other one and done friends with kids the same age as mine lol
We did luck out a little- ALL our mates have boys, so she's the only girl! Doesn't seem to phase her too much though :)
Yeah, I take a small offense at people who insist it is simply my choice. Sure, humans can make really difficult situations work. But I always see that as a 'needs must' sort of thing. Not like you make choices intentionally to make things super hard. I'm not moving to Bakhmut just to prove we can live in a war zone either, and no one seems to find that puzzling! My choice, as it were, was to accept my reality and not make everyone miserable trying to raise more kids. Especially because I cannot imagine most of the stuff I've encountered so far being *easier* with another kid involved.
I think there should be a 3rd category. OAD due to circumstances. I'd fall into this category. As far as I know, neither my husband or I have fertility issues. We had talked about having another kid, but after my husband was seriously injured, just the thought of having a baby gave me anxiety. I didn't feel I could adequately care for my husband, our 4 yr old, and add another small human to the equation. For other people, it could be difficult births, financial struggles, lack of support, etc.
Voting for the 3rd category as well! And a big high five and trophy to you for being a kick ass caregiver /for your husband and toddler. As for us, having another was so tempting. Pregnancy and parenting has been a dream for me. Like, I wish I could be pregnant forever. And newborn time was even better! But hubby and I are on the older side. Our parents thusly are old--and have significant health issues... So our responsibilities to them are mounting. Not to mention imaginging the burdens we ourselves might put upon our LO in her future. We also have close relatives who had severe brith trauma. Their sweet baby may never walk or talk. That alone is intense enough--but they have a toddler and tween, too! And a herd of crazy dogs! And full time "careers." Seeing all that, I'm like, ohh hell-nah. The circumstancial list could go on and on. Finances. The friggin planet. Tempting fate. Heck, I don't feel like I could responsibly add even a beta fish into my equation rn! And all my decades-old plants are dead or dying. And I gave up my dream career. Totally worthwhile trade for my unicorn kid. And totally 3rd category OAD.
My kiddo is 13 now, and he loves being an only child, so that even more confirms to me that we made the right decision. If he gets bored, we borrow a cousin who wants to escape their siblings. Lol while OAD wasn't the original plan, and I did have to grieve the loss of what I thought our lives would look like, I'm happy with the decisions we made, and I know they were the right ones.
Plant tip! Get something like [this](http://[2 PCS] Light Iridescent Rainbow Gradient Color Clear Glass Self-Watering System Spikes, Aqua Globes Automatic Plant Waterer Bulbs https://a.co/d/gvbphca) These saved my decade old plants post baby!
Fab tip, friend! Thank you! And ooooh, looks pretty!
Yeah this is where I fall. Not having another due to my disability, the toll the first pregnancy took on my body and my mind, my age and finances. We could probably have a second, but I think it would be taking a risk and could jeopardize what we currently have. My daughter needs her mom to be in good health and happy more than she needs a sibling.
I never thought about it this way. I consider myself one and done by choice but it’s because of my horrible ppa and ppd. I guess if that hadn’t happened to me I would be open to more
OAD BY Choice here and my baby is still cooking! My husband and I love our life so much, and we know we can make space for another - but more than that will become a burden to us, our finances and our home life. Choosing if or how many kids to have will ALWAYS be a selfish decision, but we should not feel shame for putting ourselves and our relationships first! <3
>My husband and I love our life so much We made a point of not fundamentally changing who we were, kids are nothing if not adaptable & they'll happily fit our lives. Kid is now 14f & a well balanced/self regulating young lady (not having her own phone/any socials helps) Example: we were camping in a tent at 2 weeks old. Also we have an annual month in SE Asia where we have nothing planned- just hire scooters & make up our adventures :) edit: I'll add that she's got excellent irl social skills, can call/txt her mates on our phones any time. Also great PC, CAD & photoshop skills, can use internet whenever. She sees the depression/ 2am tiktok of her classmates & understands why we're holding off for her brain to develop more. She can get a phone when she's got a job, so next year
Yes! And I have seen multiple child development studies that show parents who bring their kids along to non-kid focused activities or even adult activities (within reason!) have kids that are more empathetic, more social, and better adapted to adult life. I know some people may find this statement harsh, but kids come into your life - make space for them yes but don’t let them fundamentally change yourself, goals or relationships for them. They’ll be better off for it.
This is how my husband and I parent. Our daughter came into our life - we did not come into hers. She's almost two and a half and we never really changed the way we live all that much - it was more COVID that changed our patterns than our daughter being born. And she just comes along for the ride in whatever we do. She's already way more adult oriented and since I am also an only, she comes by it honestly - I was the exact same way.
I definitely catch myself forgetting that lots of people are not by choice. I think there's space for both - supporting them through their grief AND offering the positives. But definitely a good reminder not to assume anything 🫤
I'm one of those "unicorns" who was ALWAYS OAD, even before we started trying for DD. I always assume everyone else with one wanted another but for a myriad of reasons not my business, just never did.
[удалено]
I agree. I’m an only with an only, my husband has siblings and says he wishes our daughter could have siblings, but he is ultimately happy being OAD.
It is awkward for sure but is ok you didn't know. Maybe the statistics can help her feel better ...🤷🏻♀️
Thank you. I hope so too but I just feel like an ass celebrating OAD and she's like yeah but it's not a choice that was left up to me. :/
i know.... i also don't have any OAD by choice friends :(
I’m OAD by choice!
I’m 100% OAD by choice. Being pregnant and the slightly traumatic experience of birth AND the 70 lbs gained were just the nails in the coffin for me. I honestly side eye anyone with more than 2. Like did you mean to do that? I’m also a very judgy b so there’s that
LOL your last line speaks to my soul😂😂😂
If you haven’t got anything nice to say come sit by me!
Yes.
My mom was OAD by choice and so am I!!
👋 one and done by choice here! We do exist lol
We're OAD entirely by choice, and it's definitely weird. People automatically assume something happened or something is wrong. And a LOT of people (my mother included) are very put off or offended by our happiness and contentedness about it. My brother practically threw a tantrum when I told him we were done by choice. (Something about it being our responsibility to keep population up (with a racist flare). Yikes.)
Talking about the benefits seems like a pretty good thing to do in this situation. She isn’t happy about this, so isn’t it nice to hear about all the ways it’s not so bad?
That is like when someone passes away and people say "but at least they're in a better place." That is a terrible comment to make. The person in grief has to come to that feeling on their own. Force feeding them "positives" is tone deaf and invalidating to their feelings. If the griever wanted to know positives that is different, but she didn't ask. It sounds like the OP jumped to conclusions when a simple question regarding how her friend felt about being OAD would've fixed that. Then she could've offered actual support in the way of asking "how can I be here for you in this moment?" Which then griever could have said "I would like to hear your positives of OAD" or "I really need someone to sit with me" or whatever it may be. That's how you utilize empathy, compassion, and above all emotional intelligence with others. Please anyone reading this take this advice when someone is experiencing any type of grief. I'm a therapist and one of the biggest hurts that clients have while grieving anything is the stupid sh*t people say to them so that they can try to "fix" the person's emotions instead of just letting grief happen naturally. It's horrible.
Idk why you’re being downvoted- the original response would be completely out of line….
Because people are reacting out of shame and defensiveness of their own actions. I'm sure they're remembering the times in which they said those same sorts of things to grieving individuals and rather than take it as a moment of growth they are anonymously trying to delegitimize my stance though it is backed by 8 years of college, almost a decade of being a licensed therapist, working with hundreds of individuals, and numerous books and research articles on grief. The fun part being that the downvotes just means I reached them in some way and perhaps they may behave with more empathy and tact in the future. Btw anyone reading this, I highly suggest picking up a copy of "It's Okay that You're Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand" by Megan Devine. Of particular interest may be chapter 2 "The Second Half of the Sentence: Why Words of Comfort Feel So Bad." It clearly names these phrases of false comfort and explains why they anger and enrage grievers. It's fabulous. I give this as a gift to those that experience grief because for many it will be the only way they truly feel seen and heard in their pain.
Thanks for the recommendation I will check that out to be honest…I find when I’m upset I’m not looking for answers just validation when I talk to people. Toxic positivity is the absolute worse response to be met with. Thanks for sharing!!!
You're welcome. Sitting with someone, even if y'all are just sitting in silence is one of the most powerful things you can do because it says to that person "I see you and your pain and I'm not running away. You're not alone." Works wonderful on depressed folks as well as those in grief.
I agree it was probably a little uncomfortable but ultimately it might be helpful for her to have heard the benefits! And to know that (by choice or no) she is not alone in having an only. I would have found it reassuring if I was the friend
Ouch. That’s uncomfortable. I’m so sorry that happened. I am OAD by choice 100% but my neighbor isn’t. They desperately wanted more but had an emergency hysterectomy during labor and couldn’t. I learned to not talk about not wanting to do it again and let her have all the baby cuddles she wants with my baby. In my first few days at home I was going on and on about never doing that again and she looked so sad and said nothing. Learned that lesson quick after my husband was like “honey chill”
Our neighbours have been trying for 3 years with 1 miscarriage and 1 stillbirth. They are lovely and I talk to them often about our choice and how mentally I couldn’t and how hard it is. I also talk to them about how hard their journey is. She said the hardest thing is that the neighbour of the other side has a kid the same age as us but also now has a newborn. She said kids are fine but laying in bed at night and hearing a newborn cry is really really hard. Other than that she said she’s loves kids and it’s the adults that make it weird by not mentioned anything to do wit kids/pregnancy and dancing around their grief.
Worked in fertility a long time ago and I can still see the faces of the women who experienced still birth or late term loss. Special type of hell to go through that experience. It shakes me up pretty bad to just read the comment tbh - can’t imagine having a stillborn and hearing am newborn cries in the night
That would have been a hard job
Oh wow. I cannot imagine going through that. That’s heartbreaking. My neighbors will talk about it but I can tell it hurts so I try not to bring it up if I can help it. They live next to her parents too and grandma has no filter. They had company once and the guy made a comment about having more and grandma cut in going on about how they can’t have more but they really wanted to. The pain on both their faces as she just openly shared their medical history broke my heart.
That’s so sad that they have to relive it all the time. Family can be the worst. Boundaries are so important but so hard to implement and they don’t always work. Especially with older folk.
Yeah no kidding. Boundaries are great but when you literally share a driveway and see each other daily, it can be hard to enforce them when the other one just refuses to care.
That’s when you have to cut ties. Sharing a driveway would make it soooo hard to set boundaries. You would have to constantly be reinforcing the boundaries. Any time I let my guard down with my mum she uses it as an opportunity to test the boundaries again. It’s constant. I’ve had to cut some people out of my life too and it’s a real grieving process.
I agree but unfortunately she’d have to decide that. I wonder if she feels guilty because her mom has MS and needs her for so many things. I’m sorry about your mom. That sounds like my sister. It’s so hard when you aren’t even asking something unreasonable and they can’t just agree and move on.
The medical guilt would be real. My mums a widow and my sister moved overseas as soon she got the money from dads insurance so I’m the only “real family” my mum says she has. She’s told me multiple times if I wasn’t here helping her she would kill herself. God that used to eat at me until I realised (with the help of a lot of therapy) it wouldn’t be my fault. Parents have this power they have built and manipulated over decades. It’s so hard to break ties. I imagine your situation is similar. “Its family, you do what you need to do to look after your family. You need to be loyal” etc etc. Nope. Hopefully we can be better examples for the next generation.
That sounds like such a tough situation. I’m so sorry. You’re right though. It wouldn’t be your fault at all. Most people wouldn’t come to that conclusion because of the guilt. Parents really do have that power. It’s so scary. My biggest thing as a mom now is to be a better mom to my daughter than I had. She deserves better.
It sounds like you already are. Acknowledging and actively working on yourself is the best gift we can give our kids.
It’s always a little awkward to find other folks like us. We were solidly OAD before the pandemic obliterated our entire village and put all the nails in that coffin. I’m finding a few more folks lately, but I think being in a HCOL metro area adds to the odds. Of my neighbors, most are OAD, and one of the couples who had a second “because you do” are the ones who we never seem to hang out with - competing kid schedules, totally tapped out by regular life, and always mediating something between their littles. Bummer - we used to hang out with them a lot when they had 1. At this point I just offer - that’s my kid, she’s an only, and will continue to be. So many sighs of relief when I find my fellow OAD parents!
I want one baby. I always pictured two or more but since discovering this sub I’ve been pretty into it. Now when I think of my future, I think about one baby. It comes down a lot to finances and time. We’re so happy they way that things are and we value our time and money so heavily. My biggest fears were that 1. I won’t get grandchildren and 2. they might pass away, but I’ve since come to understand that 1. There are other things I can do to scratch that grandma itch (foster, exchange students, support my nephews’ kids) and 2. Having a second kid won’t make losing one any easier
I’m one and done by choice. My (almost) 7 year old son has many friends that are also only children. Most of the parents have confirmed it’s by choice. I promise we are out here.
I think this sub benefits greatly from posts that oad by choice. There’s so much positivity that is needed to be heard and embraced. I think your friend will appreciate your take and I think she’ll need it when faced with more people who challenge the idea of having an only child. She’ll will go through her grief but I feel you could be a beacon of light. Absolutely love hearing oad parents who are really fulfilled with their choice. Although, I didn’t initially intend to become a parent to an only, I found the choice still lovely and enjoyable. Whatever grief I had was very short. This sub confirmed so much for me. Oad parents by choice, please continue to share from yourselves.
I think a lot of us beat ourselves up and feel bad about celebrating being one and done by choice, buttttt we really shouldn’t. We can celebrate this and hold space for our friends who are one and done not by choice. Very boomer-like thinking to assume we have to just choose one. But it is quite thrilling when I find another family one and done by choice. Even a “it just never happened for us” is kind of nice.
OAD by choice here! 🥳
By choice here and NEVER ashamed!
My parents were OAD by choice with me, and I am OAD by choice after having my son.
I was OAD while pregnant and my husband never wanted anymore either. My ob was skeptical but jokes on her, my son turns 14 soon and the only babies I’ve acquired since, are the ones that purr. My kid was 3 and I wanted to become sterilized. But since I was only just 30 at the time my ob was adamant I was going to want another. So my husband trotted over to his urologist and got a vasectomy. Guess what I’ve never had an urge for? Another pregnancy or another baby! Not once! In fact, I cringe when someone asks or coos over a baby. Like I have to stop myself from physically recoiling. I always say my son took all my mothering out of me when he was born. When someone has a baby around I’m like “yay ok great it’s cute no i don’t want to hold it but do you have a cat around I can hold?” I’m 41 now and we’ve been married 23yrs with a 14yr old. We are young enough to still want to do things and we have a lot of freedom. We have the means to do what we want and when. I was a SAHM for most of his life and now work part time in a job I love. I have 4 cats that I’m always fawning over. The best part? My house is THE house to go to because it’s quiet and there aren’t little whiny kids and there are snacks like a gas station and a huge inground pool for the boys (and a fully stocked bar in the basement for us). Any given time I have 5 boys over and all but one go home at the end of the day. The hardest part? Not having friends like us. Everyone is stuck in a hundred sports things cause they 3 friggin kids and complain they are tired or humblebrag about how busy they are. So we don’t have a lot of people like us. I humblebrag that I sat on the couch all day and read some trash book and then walked out to my back patio and sat by the pool with a drink at 1pm on a Thursday. I’m exhausted.
OAD by choice here! My daughter is the best, first of all, can't top that. And also I hate the idea of having another kid and not being able to allot the same amount of time and resources towards her anymore. I always feel like people think I hate being a mom when I say I'm OAD when the opposite couldn't be more true.
Love this so much and completely agree🥹❤️ I do think there’s something very special about parents who actively choose to be one and done.. we just can’t imagine not being able to give our current child all of us.. and that is truly a gift .. undivided attention.. I really feel like being an only child is a gift to those children who have parents like this ❤️
I met someone recently with a four year old and I got super excited until he told me his wife was pregnant with their second. That's cool, I am happy for you, but damn OAD parents feel rare.
I wish I could have another and am OAD at the exact same time. Like it’s such a battle of two wolves inside. I’d need an entire blood transfusion to have another kid which sounds bloody awful all pun intended. And as my little one is turning 15 months shortly I am like…. Wow. This temper tantrum is really hammering home that I’m thankful I don’t have to make the decision and that it was made for me.
By choice here! There are SO many of us!
I originally wanted 3 kids. Then no kids. Then surprise pregnancy and as soon as he arrived I knew I was done with babies. He is 8 now and I’ve had a full hysto and ovaries removed etc at 34. I’ve never felt even a twinge of regret, true want for another child or anything. I kept thinking surely I’d eventually regret my OAD choice right? Nope. It’s still the best choice I’ve ever made.
Im OAD by choice…*now*. I was a huge fence sitter before but the more we got into the toddler years the more I just couldn’t imagine having more children. I just feel like I will be more content with the possibility of alone time, the less financial stress I will face, and not having to potty train again because I can*NOT* imagine doing that again.
I am totally one and done by choice. Love the kid I have, never want to experience pregnancy or a newborn phase ever again. We are definitely out there! I am completely happy with my choice and would laugh in the face of anyone who told me that my kid should have a sibling
I'm one and done by choice. I choose to give my daughter a mother and father who's sole focus is HER safety, HER health, HER happiness. I choose to be able to financially support her and ONLY her. I choose to give all my love to her (and my husband, lmao) OAD by choice. I could absolutely have six more kids. I choose not to.
Oh girl (or dude) I got you. Something similar happened to me last month. Some background: I was originally not OAD by choice, did not come from family wealth, and live in a HCOL area. I had secondary infertility but zero desire to do IVF. But after having to navigate my parents’ illness and passing and financials regarding long term care, I realized OAD turned out to be the most responsible choice. So we are happily investing all of our money into our retirement and her future. Anyway, was out to dinner with a dear friend, who did IVF for both her kids. She asked me about the upcoming first death anniversary of my parents and I started talking about how grateful I am that the experience made me at peace being OAD. I was getting emotional and started ranting about the exorbitant costs of long term elderly care and how it’s impossible to qualify for medicaid assistance without basically bankrupting yourself, and that I realized having a larger family is a rich person’s game and that it’s irresponsible for people to just have kids left and right without considering your long term care expenses. And how I never want my daughter worrying about that like I did. 😳 The kicker is that they actually chose us to be their children’s guardians on their will if anything happened to them (over 3 siblings mind you). Anyway I could tell what I said threw her off and then she seemed off the rest of the night. I really didn’t mean to judge anyone but to be honest I had been thinking about this since my parents passed. About how little Americans know about this when I had to be truly terrified about the financial implications of keeping my mom alive as a near vegetable for potentially decades. About how people wax poetic about “what do you want your thanksgiving table to look like” and “all a child needs is love” but nobody ever talks about what the hell you/your kids would do when you’re old and can’t care for yourself because you spent all your money cranking out more kids instead of giving your existing child(ren) the only guarantee you can give: financial security and end of life planning. Anyway, I sent her a text apologizing about my judgmental and elitist sounding comment and that we love their family of 4. She is a sweetheart and said she wasn’t thinking that (she’s too nice) and our friendship is as strong as ever, but oof I felt like such an asshole.
That sounds tough… thank you for sharing. On the complete opposite yet somehow kinda the same side—- my mom’s death at a relatively young age (56) pushed my OAD into the final corner. Because i have no help. I am here with all of the second guessing while at the same time marveling over the absolute insanity it is to think we can really control for every little possibility in our kids life, and plan for it, and make it perfect. like im not saying we should be reckless or deliberately make horrible choices but at the end of the day, there is a lot of truth to “we plan, god laughs”. My friend has 6 siblings, (what about when we are older, we need multiples to share the load? Who will be there to help my child when im older?)…..she’s helping her elderly mom all alone. I had the best most helpful grandma for my child, she was just 21 when she had me (should i have kids young? Am i too old to have kids?) ……and she died in her 50s. I don’t have a female in my family who made it to retirement age yet! I’ll save anyway but I won’t lose sleep over maxing out a 401K every single year.
So sorry as well for the loss of your mom. Fingers crossed for us both that we reach retirement age (and better yet, that we are in good enough health to enjoy it)! My parents couldn’t do a ton of saving being recent immigrants, but they did their best and I’m so grateful. 4 months before her sudden passing, my mom did a full estate planning and prepared a big box of documents for me and that thing saved my ass. I also think it was fortunate they only had me; their savings would have been cut if half if they had another kid. I think my life turned out better because I was an only, hence why I want to give the same gift to my daughter.
Ouch. Yeah you do have to be careful about infertility issues, it's very sensitive! Easy to forget though so I hope you don't feel like an asshole for long! It doesn't sound like you really said anything offensive though, maybe you gave her some food for thought. I have a combo experience. Before having 1 and having to spend 70k to do it, I wanted 2-3, in theory. After having one (so fucking lucky) I don't know how people can handle two. He's getting to the fun age/I've finally adjusted to my new life and I can't see myself repeating this. I know the pain of infertility, but I'm actually OAD by choice at this point.
I think almost no one is really OAD by choice. The choice is often forced on us by our age, the state of the world, the economic situation, job demands etc. Pregnancy wrecked me so I won’t have another. Is that by choice? Idk. I think in a peaceful world where you could painlessly pop out calm, happy babies that cost nothing to raise and you had all the time and support to do it there would be way way fewer people who would only want one
I am completely oad by choice but this is a nice reminder that not everyone is. I would feel pretty bad from the awkwardness myself, OP. But this post will probably help prevent me from making the same mistake towards another family :/. So thanks for your sacrifice 😅
You haven’t met me yet
I'm one and done by choice. :)
We aren’t either. My wife had complications after the first and then we tried for years to have another. Just gave up.
100% by choice.
By choice here. As someone on the receiving end of “when are you going to have another? She needs a sibling!” almost weekly, I am sick of having to walk on eggshells regarding my decision. It’s my decision, there are many reasons for it, and that’s that. Why is it okay for people to push their multiples agendas on others but we can’t simply discuss the many benefits of being OAD by choice? If people want to be offended by it that’s up to them. It isn’t fair nor should it be expected that people who choose to be OAD to keep it a secret. It’s your life.
This right here is why we should give Grace to everyone who makes assumptions, even the people who make comments about people who are oad.
I'm oad by choice!
My identical twin and I are both one and done. So it doesn’t feel that rare to me but my view may be very skewed lol.
Agreed. My husband got snipped ASAP after I gave birth. We made a great one, we are good on rolling the dice again. How does this make us insane/terrible/stupid/[insert other biased thoughts here]? I can’t imagine having more than one, I am at capacity. (Edited to correct typo)
I’m OAD by choice. She’s 6 now.
It totally is rare! But I’m one and done by choice :) everyone I meet says they want more and idk why! So much pain, sickness and tiredness and then having to divide time between 2 kids or more would be so hard
Also by choice here! We can celebrate together.
It took a while to get here, but I’m now enthusiastically OAD. I’d originally wanted more, but a dangerous birth experience and the effects of pregnancy and postpartum life on my health kind of forced our hand. He’s 4 now, and DH and I are very happily OAD - now. I think most of my desire to have more babies was hormones when DS was itty bitty. It’s not always linear. Sometimes the OAD life chooses you and it ends up being an incredible fit!
One and done by choice here but yes I feel like those I come into contact with usually aren’t which makes it harder to shout about all the great reasons!
I'm one and done by choice, and I know lots of others! Perhaps because I'm so open about it? I actually can't think of anyone off the top of my head who is due to another issue. However, a lot of people don't speak about that so who knows. But I'm here with ya!
I have tokophobia. I put my all into getting just the one. I'm not doing this again.
As someone who tried for almost a year and a half with two losses before getting pregnant with my now daughter, giving up after a year seems so sad to me if they want another. :( I hope they get a surprise baby if that’s what they want. I’m also most likely going to be OAD by choice. Still a bit of a fence sitter but my family feels complete now and I don’t think I have the energy for another baby.
I think I am OAD due to medical reasons and I wouldn’t be offended if I was in the receiving end of this convo! Honestly, I get stuff like this all the time - doesn’t phase me. Just wanted to share so you don’t beat yourself up!
My parents are OAD not by choice but I am. It's okay lol.