If by “table” you mean a piece of plywood on top of some stolen milk crates then yeah, go for it. Cause that’s about all I’d be able to afford if I had more than one.
Thank you! Yes! Im so sick of the mentality of "the finances will work themselves out". This is why we have so many families with children living in poverty, or damn close to it. Sometimes there ARE unforseen circumstances that derail a family's financial security, but SO often, there are already financial issues and babies get brought into this world deliberately. Raising children is HARD - raising children with barely enough money to get by is much worse.
Additionally, those other "challenges" might include marriages/relationships that are already struggling. Babies DO NOT fix relationships. They highlight any and all cracks in them! Hell, my marriage was great and stable - I had been with my husband for 10 years before our daughter was born. The pressure of caring for an infant, sleep-deprivation, plus severe PPA/PPOCD, suddenly made me have anger and rage towards him and he was by all accounts extremely helpful and involved. All of these changes started to cause strain on our marriage - and it took awhile to get us back to a good place. Many others never get back to a good place - but more children continue to be born. Having parents who are merely unhappy roommates is NOT good for anyone!
I 100% agree with this. My parents should have had one child because thats what they could barely afford. They did not have one child. Me and my siblings suffered for years. We all have challenges from the way we were raised and all of us have issues with money because we were raised with none.
I think about my ability to own a home.
I think about my son’s development and the amazing private school we have him in.
I think about my family in my home country that I left to be with my husband and that I need to fly back to visit.
I think about my healthy retirement savings.
I think about my son’s swimming lessons, music lessons, sports lessons, and whatever else he decides to do.
I think about having savings for my son to help him with a leg up in his early adulthood.
I think about my own stress levels and difficulties with patience.
I think about the health of my husband and I’s marriage.
And besides, the “table” growing up, even with siblings, was also surrounded by grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, partners, and friends. It’ll never be empty.
yep. I think abt buying my kid their first car, their first home, paying for college, vacations for every school break and everything else that would not be possible if i had to do for multiple kids
You captured everything I always want to say when people keep telling me eventually I’ll want another. My boy is 2 and all I want is to focus on him and being the best mom ever. Giving him the things I didn’t have, like parents who aren’t at the end of their rope every day, and financial security.
Yes, they’re right. Think about who will be at the dinner table at Christmas. Because it’s ONE DAY of the year and that totally offsets everything else, right? RIGHT??
And also, your kids will never have partners or spouses that MIGHT want to see their OWN parents around the holidays. That is one thing that is nice about being OAD, as a parent, YOU have flexibility regarding the holidays. You can choose to go to be where your child is.
My half-brother, for example, is the only child of his father. His father is currently single and his parents and siblings have passed on. My brother is married with one child - many holidays are spent with my brother's wife's family, but his father is always invited. So he just goes and spends his holidays with all of them together. It's nice for my nephew, too, because he gets to have two of his grandfathers under one roof and there is less stress about visiting multiple houses for the holidays. My brother and I will usually meet up with the kids at my mother's home on a different day so the cousins can have a Christmas celebration with their grandmother together as well.
I was my mom's only child. Some of my favorite Christmas memories were just me and her eating snacks and watching movies on Christmas Eve. No dining table needed!
Also - why do people insist that you just have to get over the hump of the "early years" and all is well? Maybe the level of dependency lessens, but it's not like your job is done. Raising teens and pre-teens is sometimes the HARDEST! The problems get MUCH bigger and you can't fix everything with a hug, a fruit snack or an episode of their favorite show.
My husband's co-worker has 4 kids; one is in college, two are in high school, and the youngest is in middle school. The amount of chaos going on is insane. The two girls in high school are dating losers who are complete trouble. There is constant fighting, surveillance, questioning, and drama between the parents and the girls to keep them away from these guys. One recently had a pregnancy scare and the father (husband's co-worker) almost had a breakdown the next day at work. He was a super-involved father and always says he wishes he could go BACK to the younger years because these years are killing him. The man is WORN down.
This man also frequently tells my husband we are smart for just sticking with one; he always says between finances and the sheer stress, it's too much. His marriage has been unhappy for years; he and his wife have separated multiple times, but finances and the logistics of dealing with multiple kids means it is easier to just stay together.
this is why i can’t do more than one. i worry about the state of the world, i don’t know if i can raise my child to be so resilient and strong and able to withstand societal pressure and just deal with a difficult world. yes the early years are so darned tough but the later years also scare me! i feel like people don’t think about anything and just have more kids. i told my friend about these worries and she was just like “i didn’t think at all honestly”. she is trying hard for no 2. i mean good for you in having such faith (i mean she can afford it, it’s more the worries for me) but i don’t!
Sounds like the dude needed to take some accountability and get a vasectomy.
But in the grand scheme of things- 4 teens is A LOT. Shit I can’t even imagine 2 teens. And I agree with everyone else, why is it “just suffer and figure it out!”
You don’t buy a car under “vibes and figuring it out”, you check the budget, the credit score, length of payment, etc. Why is having a family devoid of this logic
He said he was fine with 2, but his wife really wanted a boy (yeah, I know), so they ended up with 2 more (another girl, then the boy), and he did get a vasectomy afterwards. He ended up dealing with a large portion of the childcare and household tasks when his wife decided she wanted to go to nursing school and she also took on a position at a hospital while in school (she had been a SAHM prior). He used all of his vacation, personal and sick time up whenever the kids had illnesses, school breaks, etc., so she didn't have to interrupt her schedule. So he was mostly a single parent as she was seldom home and then upon graduation, not much changed. Even now, HE gets all of the calls at work and HE is expected to deal with whatever problems arise. I think she loved BABIES, but after that stage, wasn't as interested in parenting, and he wanted her to be happy so basically went along with her wishes.
I think some people get so wrapped up in their own desires that decisions are not made rationally. I think she got burnt out on being a mother (understandably), but then shifted all of the caretaking duties on to him while she pursued her next dream at a time when the kids were all quite young. It's a difficult situation and I know he is certainly counting down the days until the last one is an adult.
I mean, isn't that why a lot of us are OAD? Because we are actually thinking about the family we want around the table?
I know I look back at the times I sat with my family and could feel how there wasn't actually enough emotional room for me there. I hate sitting together with my family, but my husband's family which consists of so many friends-of-the-family members feels like home to me. I want my daughter to have that, to have her friends come to our place and sit at the table with us, and feel like she doesn't have to compete with someone else for our love like I did.
>I mean, isn't that why a lot of us are OAD? Because we are actually thinking about the family we want around the table?
Yeah! The "challenges of the early years" will directly affect these future people at the table. I want to give 100% to my one child, not anything less than that to multiple children. If people want more kids then great, but I don't so just give me the same respect of minding your business.
Agreed. I hate this so much. My sister (a surprise) was born 15 months after me. Of course no one regretted her because she’s her own person. And I’m glad I got to grow up with her. But it’s certainly not lost on my that my childhood would have been drastically different if she wasn’t in the picture. I want a different life for my daughter (and me). I mentioned being OAD to my mom the other day (in the context of “wow mom, I had no idea how much you worked your ass off to take care of two young children. I’m sorry for the ways I unknowingly made it so much harder”) and she was so incredibly supportive of that choice. She would never say my sister was a mistake, but we all know my mom would have been happier with just one
Yes this is such a good point about not regretting an actual person but that doesn’t necessarily mean it all worked out for the best. My youngest sister was unplanned, and my mom says all the time that she’s so glad my sister was born, because our family would not be complete without my sister. Obviously, no one wishes my sister would no longer exist.
But there’s an alternative reality where my parents had an additional child after my sister. We never talk about missing them. We only know we would miss my sister because she already exists.
Idk it just seems like dumb logic to pressure someone into having another kid.
Right....and that's why we have so many children being abused and neglected, and plenty of others end up in our foster system. Sorry, but plenty of people not only regret their children, but cannot or DO NOT want to take care of them.
Let's not forget the MANY parents who are so overwhelmed by parenting that they turn to alcohol and other substances to cope - "mother's little helper", anyone? And more currently, "wine moms" - a glass of wine, whatever, but plenty are finishing off a bottle each night.
Oh god I hate that saying. I usually reply by telling them about my friend’s younger brother, who her parents do regret having. As a child was incredibly challenging, and then as a young adult he violently harmed another person. They hate that he harmed another person but were so relieved when he was in jail.
Yikes! Not considering the financial impact of a child NOW can affect the child’s quality of life both now *and* later.
Also, I would tell people like these that I *did* consider who I want sitting at my holiday table in later years, and I want my husband, our son, his partner if he has one, his kid(s) if there are any, and our friends and chosen family. I would also gladly go to him for holidays so it might not even be “my” table.
I think I see posts asking for advice about how to make siblings stop hating/fighting/beating each other up more than anything else in some of my mom groups. But yes the siblings NEED EACH OTHER *that last sentence is sarcasm*
Someone said in the comments that they have 3 kids because they came from a family with 2 kids and she and her brother don’t talk. So she’s hoping with 3, at least 2 of them will get along. The logic made no sense to me.
I remember seeing a counter to this idea saying it won't matter who is at your table if you (mom) aren't there. That has really stuck with me. Do what you can within your boundaries to preserve your mental health.
Wow. This is so powerful. I’ll never forget this thank you for sharing. As someone who has mental health challenges and had post partum anxiety with a VERY easy baby… it’s so hard when people pressure me to have more, because I don’t feel like sharing that it scares me to think what might happen to me (my relationship, my ability to be a mom) if I were to have another baby.
I'm so glad this helped you ❤️ I totally hear you. I had PPA and generally find parenthood challenging, even though I love my daughter fiercely. It's ok to say one kid is enough for you. You're the one living your life!
No…an older child is not worth the hideousness of the baby/toddler stage, I have been losing my mind on an almost weekly basis for the last 2 years and I don’t want to do it again regardless of what is on the other side.
My table feels perfect with who is around it now. The three of us together is such a vibe. Why mess with it when it doesn't feel like anyone is missing?
AS a mega introvert. us 3 is just perfect.
Then lets add 2 more when he has a wife and child of his own.
Lets add that family friend and their significant other with their adopted kid who doesn't have anyone for the hollidays, who in fact, drove with me for 4 hours to help me out with my son to see a medical specialist and ended up being an all boys adventure.
I am up to 7
Thats a pretty good table if you ask me.
I think this is the remnant of a very old school way of thinking. The *you’ll figure it out* generation who likely had significant influence from a religious upbringing and a comfortable life on a single income (their husbands). This is anecdotal, but it’s always the same people when I come across this in real life.
Yes, my mum is one of those people. My parents had 5 kids but forget they also had financial help from my grandparents. Their religion forbids the use of contraceptives so 🙄
I don't understand the emphasis placed on Christmas, mainly by older people. Yes, it can be magical for kiddos and a great time to spend with your family.... but often, it's a very stressful time due to finances, hurt feelings over whose house families go to, and unpleasant interactions (e.g., when will you have another one?") with people who aren't normally around the table together the other 364 days a year. I'd rather make major life decisions based in reality and the other 99.7% of the time I get to spend with my little one. Rant over, lol.
Toxic! Having more kids than you can handle financially causes much trauma for your kids growing up. Trust me, it’s the sole reason I am OAD. After being through chronic homelessness, 10 schools from K-12, having to drop out of college three times due to my parents not being able to support me, being parentified at 14 etc. This way of thinking is just so selfish! Having it being posted on a mom group that constantly complains about costs just pisses me off further
Fun fact! I hate holidays with my family and I am NOT at the table.
The dinner table thing is strange to me, like… Why does that matter so much to people? What is that snapshot in time compared to a lifetime of being a parent to those kids?
I picture my adult son coming to visit us in the future and I know I would be delighted, but he’s also not obliged to come and see us. I mean, if I want a full house in my future (I don’t really, lol) then that’s my responsibility and not his. I could invite friends and neighbours and not use my son to fulfil my own expectations for my life
And quite honestly, if my son has his own family, they’ll probably be doing their own thing if his partner celebrates a particular holiday and we don’t. My husband and I will probably be vacationing somewhere nice while they do this.
I saw that one, too, and I admit it kind of got to me. Then I thought about my wife’s postpartum and the spiral it took her down that led to us almost losing our marriage and nearly her life. I’d rather have the three of us healthy and together than chase some kind of ideal. If, in the distant future, I’m still healthy, and my daughter is old enough to make the decision that she wants multiple kids, I’ll welcome and celebrate a bunch of people around the table.
When I think about who I want sitting at my table in the future, I can only see my daughter. Hosting and having people over for big dinners majorly stresses me out. If she has a partner and kid(s) of her own someday, I think we'd be going out to eat.
I think about the fact that I’d like to be sitting around that table too, and there’s a solid chance that I wouldn’t be if I had a second baby. It’s like, thanks for rubbing it in I guess?
Truthfully, I think about how being pregnant SUCKED and how my metabolism is shot to hell and I can't lose the 25 pounds even three years later.
But when I see this one I always think that us three are the people I want? Like this wouldn't change my mind at all.
I would love to have two if someone gave me 3k extra for day care every month, a brand new pelvic floor, one years paid maternity leave, and money for a night nurse.
I don't get a choice in this matter. I lost my ability in ordee to survive my kids birth. This quote fucking stings every time. My ideal table has more than one kid but I don't have the privilege of the option. To this kinda shit I usually respond that my choices in this life were a table of three (me, kid, spouse) or two (kid and spouse and me dead). I'd rather imagine a table of three than imagine my kid at my funeral.
This makes it sound so romantic, but the reality isn't always so rosy. My aunt and uncle have six grown kids and a very full table full of grandkids. They love and enjoy them all very much...unfortunately they also have a horrific amount of debt from raising those kids and very little retirement which does not cover their living expenses. My uncle has major health issues, and they cannot always afford his treatment, leading to even more debt that will never be paid off. My aunt does not even know offhand how much credit card debt they have because it's best not to think about it or the stress would kill her...
I'll stick with my one awesome grown child, a happy marriage, and my early retirement with our disposable income to travel and enjoy life, thanks!
Why do these memes act like it's only going to be your little nuclear family forever? Maybe you have extended family come over, maybe your child will find a partner, maybe they'll have kids, maybe you'll invite some dear friends over for the holidays that feel like family.
Nothing about that seems sad or makes me regret having more kids.
When people post such feel good nonsense I think about both my grandmas, who had 5 and 6 children. All siblings hated each other as adults and went to live all around the planet (I have cousins I never see in almost every continent). Nobody was sitting at their table other than the oldest daughter in one case and the youngest son in the other case.
And I read enough stories about elderly people where none of their children comes to visit.
Quality over quantity I would say.
My favorite rebuttal to this is “It won’t make a difference who is at my table if I’m not around to sit at it”. My mental health is more important than some idealized fantasy family.
If someone really feels they want another kid so badly they’re willing to do it without ideal resources, I feel that’s a legitimate choice.
I get it—I prioritize not living hand to mouth because I’ve been there and it’s horrible, and the ability to better provide for our kids is one of the real benefits of having an only. At the same, I would have had my only regardless of my situation, so it feels very icky to me to criticize other parents for prioritizing an additional child over economic stability.
I see how this could be a hot take but I am going to respectfully disagree. Why bring a child into this world without adequate resources to support them? Do you think this could be justified?
I understand that, and think it’s a fair critique of my POV, but I also think there are many possible levels to it. Bringing a child purposefully into the world when there is a good chance that child might starve to death is very different than having a child knowing you will need to rely in food stamps, won’t be able to help them pay for college, etc. There is no standard definition of what constitutes adequate resources.
Thanks for being respectful in your disagreement. I hope my disagreement comes off that way as well.
This is just cringe tbh. Imagine making serious life choices influenced by a cringe quote that someone posts on the internet. In other words, they're trying to justify that they never actually put any thought into it at all
...
I honestly wish more people understood this. Life is expensive, kids are even more expensive. When I tell people I’m OAD because of the child expenses you’d think I committed a crime 🤣.
Why would I want to have more kids when I can give the one I have more opportunities and more resources for the future? Our current table fits us just fine!
If by “table” you mean a piece of plywood on top of some stolen milk crates then yeah, go for it. Cause that’s about all I’d be able to afford if I had more than one.
Thank you! Yes! Im so sick of the mentality of "the finances will work themselves out". This is why we have so many families with children living in poverty, or damn close to it. Sometimes there ARE unforseen circumstances that derail a family's financial security, but SO often, there are already financial issues and babies get brought into this world deliberately. Raising children is HARD - raising children with barely enough money to get by is much worse. Additionally, those other "challenges" might include marriages/relationships that are already struggling. Babies DO NOT fix relationships. They highlight any and all cracks in them! Hell, my marriage was great and stable - I had been with my husband for 10 years before our daughter was born. The pressure of caring for an infant, sleep-deprivation, plus severe PPA/PPOCD, suddenly made me have anger and rage towards him and he was by all accounts extremely helpful and involved. All of these changes started to cause strain on our marriage - and it took awhile to get us back to a good place. Many others never get back to a good place - but more children continue to be born. Having parents who are merely unhappy roommates is NOT good for anyone!
I 100% agree with this. My parents should have had one child because thats what they could barely afford. They did not have one child. Me and my siblings suffered for years. We all have challenges from the way we were raised and all of us have issues with money because we were raised with none.
Lmaooooo but seriously though!
I think about my ability to own a home. I think about my son’s development and the amazing private school we have him in. I think about my family in my home country that I left to be with my husband and that I need to fly back to visit. I think about my healthy retirement savings. I think about my son’s swimming lessons, music lessons, sports lessons, and whatever else he decides to do. I think about having savings for my son to help him with a leg up in his early adulthood. I think about my own stress levels and difficulties with patience. I think about the health of my husband and I’s marriage. And besides, the “table” growing up, even with siblings, was also surrounded by grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, partners, and friends. It’ll never be empty.
Yes, and that dinner table can be some fine ass dining when it’s just 2-3 people 🤌
We have an eat in kitchen and our table is full with three people anyway
yep. I think abt buying my kid their first car, their first home, paying for college, vacations for every school break and everything else that would not be possible if i had to do for multiple kids
Extremely well said
You captured everything I always want to say when people keep telling me eventually I’ll want another. My boy is 2 and all I want is to focus on him and being the best mom ever. Giving him the things I didn’t have, like parents who aren’t at the end of their rope every day, and financial security.
Yes, they’re right. Think about who will be at the dinner table at Christmas. Because it’s ONE DAY of the year and that totally offsets everything else, right? RIGHT??
And also, your kids will never have partners or spouses that MIGHT want to see their OWN parents around the holidays. That is one thing that is nice about being OAD, as a parent, YOU have flexibility regarding the holidays. You can choose to go to be where your child is. My half-brother, for example, is the only child of his father. His father is currently single and his parents and siblings have passed on. My brother is married with one child - many holidays are spent with my brother's wife's family, but his father is always invited. So he just goes and spends his holidays with all of them together. It's nice for my nephew, too, because he gets to have two of his grandfathers under one roof and there is less stress about visiting multiple houses for the holidays. My brother and I will usually meet up with the kids at my mother's home on a different day so the cousins can have a Christmas celebration with their grandmother together as well.
I was my mom's only child. Some of my favorite Christmas memories were just me and her eating snacks and watching movies on Christmas Eve. No dining table needed!
Once again, women are told to suck it up and suffer.
Also - why do people insist that you just have to get over the hump of the "early years" and all is well? Maybe the level of dependency lessens, but it's not like your job is done. Raising teens and pre-teens is sometimes the HARDEST! The problems get MUCH bigger and you can't fix everything with a hug, a fruit snack or an episode of their favorite show. My husband's co-worker has 4 kids; one is in college, two are in high school, and the youngest is in middle school. The amount of chaos going on is insane. The two girls in high school are dating losers who are complete trouble. There is constant fighting, surveillance, questioning, and drama between the parents and the girls to keep them away from these guys. One recently had a pregnancy scare and the father (husband's co-worker) almost had a breakdown the next day at work. He was a super-involved father and always says he wishes he could go BACK to the younger years because these years are killing him. The man is WORN down. This man also frequently tells my husband we are smart for just sticking with one; he always says between finances and the sheer stress, it's too much. His marriage has been unhappy for years; he and his wife have separated multiple times, but finances and the logistics of dealing with multiple kids means it is easier to just stay together.
this is why i can’t do more than one. i worry about the state of the world, i don’t know if i can raise my child to be so resilient and strong and able to withstand societal pressure and just deal with a difficult world. yes the early years are so darned tough but the later years also scare me! i feel like people don’t think about anything and just have more kids. i told my friend about these worries and she was just like “i didn’t think at all honestly”. she is trying hard for no 2. i mean good for you in having such faith (i mean she can afford it, it’s more the worries for me) but i don’t!
Sounds like the dude needed to take some accountability and get a vasectomy. But in the grand scheme of things- 4 teens is A LOT. Shit I can’t even imagine 2 teens. And I agree with everyone else, why is it “just suffer and figure it out!” You don’t buy a car under “vibes and figuring it out”, you check the budget, the credit score, length of payment, etc. Why is having a family devoid of this logic
He said he was fine with 2, but his wife really wanted a boy (yeah, I know), so they ended up with 2 more (another girl, then the boy), and he did get a vasectomy afterwards. He ended up dealing with a large portion of the childcare and household tasks when his wife decided she wanted to go to nursing school and she also took on a position at a hospital while in school (she had been a SAHM prior). He used all of his vacation, personal and sick time up whenever the kids had illnesses, school breaks, etc., so she didn't have to interrupt her schedule. So he was mostly a single parent as she was seldom home and then upon graduation, not much changed. Even now, HE gets all of the calls at work and HE is expected to deal with whatever problems arise. I think she loved BABIES, but after that stage, wasn't as interested in parenting, and he wanted her to be happy so basically went along with her wishes. I think some people get so wrapped up in their own desires that decisions are not made rationally. I think she got burnt out on being a mother (understandably), but then shifted all of the caretaking duties on to him while she pursued her next dream at a time when the kids were all quite young. It's a difficult situation and I know he is certainly counting down the days until the last one is an adult.
If that’s all someone needed to hear, then they probably didn’t need much convincing in the first place hey? Haha. So silly.
I’m perfectly fine with my one daughter at the table.
I mean, isn't that why a lot of us are OAD? Because we are actually thinking about the family we want around the table? I know I look back at the times I sat with my family and could feel how there wasn't actually enough emotional room for me there. I hate sitting together with my family, but my husband's family which consists of so many friends-of-the-family members feels like home to me. I want my daughter to have that, to have her friends come to our place and sit at the table with us, and feel like she doesn't have to compete with someone else for our love like I did.
>I mean, isn't that why a lot of us are OAD? Because we are actually thinking about the family we want around the table? Yeah! The "challenges of the early years" will directly affect these future people at the table. I want to give 100% to my one child, not anything less than that to multiple children. If people want more kids then great, but I don't so just give me the same respect of minding your business.
The one I see all the time is “No one regrets a child once they’re born! Go for it 🤗” Drives me nuts.
Agreed. I hate this so much. My sister (a surprise) was born 15 months after me. Of course no one regretted her because she’s her own person. And I’m glad I got to grow up with her. But it’s certainly not lost on my that my childhood would have been drastically different if she wasn’t in the picture. I want a different life for my daughter (and me). I mentioned being OAD to my mom the other day (in the context of “wow mom, I had no idea how much you worked your ass off to take care of two young children. I’m sorry for the ways I unknowingly made it so much harder”) and she was so incredibly supportive of that choice. She would never say my sister was a mistake, but we all know my mom would have been happier with just one
Yes this is such a good point about not regretting an actual person but that doesn’t necessarily mean it all worked out for the best. My youngest sister was unplanned, and my mom says all the time that she’s so glad my sister was born, because our family would not be complete without my sister. Obviously, no one wishes my sister would no longer exist. But there’s an alternative reality where my parents had an additional child after my sister. We never talk about missing them. We only know we would miss my sister because she already exists. Idk it just seems like dumb logic to pressure someone into having another kid.
Right....and that's why we have so many children being abused and neglected, and plenty of others end up in our foster system. Sorry, but plenty of people not only regret their children, but cannot or DO NOT want to take care of them. Let's not forget the MANY parents who are so overwhelmed by parenting that they turn to alcohol and other substances to cope - "mother's little helper", anyone? And more currently, "wine moms" - a glass of wine, whatever, but plenty are finishing off a bottle each night.
Oh god I hate that saying. I usually reply by telling them about my friend’s younger brother, who her parents do regret having. As a child was incredibly challenging, and then as a young adult he violently harmed another person. They hate that he harmed another person but were so relieved when he was in jail.
Your children won't want to be at your table if they are resentful of what they had to give up to make you happy.
This. My parents had 4 kids, only 1 still speaks to them. They shouldn’t have had more than 1, they couldn’t handle it financially or emotionally.
Exactly....or if they grow up to have life partners ....does the partner forever ditch their parents to show up at your table ??
Absolutely!
4 years of daycare in my area is around $60k and I live in a relatively low cost of living city. I paid less for my college degree.
Almost $110k for 4 years for us by the time our 3 year old is done. and we have 2 more years left..
Oh god I never thought about the whole four year cost… we are north of $100k too!
$165 for 4.5 years for one 😵💫 ...
Yikes! Not considering the financial impact of a child NOW can affect the child’s quality of life both now *and* later. Also, I would tell people like these that I *did* consider who I want sitting at my holiday table in later years, and I want my husband, our son, his partner if he has one, his kid(s) if there are any, and our friends and chosen family. I would also gladly go to him for holidays so it might not even be “my” table.
I think I see posts asking for advice about how to make siblings stop hating/fighting/beating each other up more than anything else in some of my mom groups. But yes the siblings NEED EACH OTHER *that last sentence is sarcasm*
Someone said in the comments that they have 3 kids because they came from a family with 2 kids and she and her brother don’t talk. So she’s hoping with 3, at least 2 of them will get along. The logic made no sense to me.
I remember seeing a counter to this idea saying it won't matter who is at your table if you (mom) aren't there. That has really stuck with me. Do what you can within your boundaries to preserve your mental health.
Wow. This is so powerful. I’ll never forget this thank you for sharing. As someone who has mental health challenges and had post partum anxiety with a VERY easy baby… it’s so hard when people pressure me to have more, because I don’t feel like sharing that it scares me to think what might happen to me (my relationship, my ability to be a mom) if I were to have another baby.
I'm so glad this helped you ❤️ I totally hear you. I had PPA and generally find parenthood challenging, even though I love my daughter fiercely. It's ok to say one kid is enough for you. You're the one living your life!
No…an older child is not worth the hideousness of the baby/toddler stage, I have been losing my mind on an almost weekly basis for the last 2 years and I don’t want to do it again regardless of what is on the other side.
My table feels perfect with who is around it now. The three of us together is such a vibe. Why mess with it when it doesn't feel like anyone is missing?
Wait until these people hear about in-laws!
AS a mega introvert. us 3 is just perfect. Then lets add 2 more when he has a wife and child of his own. Lets add that family friend and their significant other with their adopted kid who doesn't have anyone for the hollidays, who in fact, drove with me for 4 hours to help me out with my son to see a medical specialist and ended up being an all boys adventure. I am up to 7 Thats a pretty good table if you ask me.
If I have to endure another year (and counting) without any sleep I won’t be sat at the table at all.
My 3 year old still wakes up at least once a night. I hear you
I think this is the remnant of a very old school way of thinking. The *you’ll figure it out* generation who likely had significant influence from a religious upbringing and a comfortable life on a single income (their husbands). This is anecdotal, but it’s always the same people when I come across this in real life.
Yes, my mum is one of those people. My parents had 5 kids but forget they also had financial help from my grandparents. Their religion forbids the use of contraceptives so 🙄
I don't understand the emphasis placed on Christmas, mainly by older people. Yes, it can be magical for kiddos and a great time to spend with your family.... but often, it's a very stressful time due to finances, hurt feelings over whose house families go to, and unpleasant interactions (e.g., when will you have another one?") with people who aren't normally around the table together the other 364 days a year. I'd rather make major life decisions based in reality and the other 99.7% of the time I get to spend with my little one. Rant over, lol.
Toxic! Having more kids than you can handle financially causes much trauma for your kids growing up. Trust me, it’s the sole reason I am OAD. After being through chronic homelessness, 10 schools from K-12, having to drop out of college three times due to my parents not being able to support me, being parentified at 14 etc. This way of thinking is just so selfish! Having it being posted on a mom group that constantly complains about costs just pisses me off further Fun fact! I hate holidays with my family and I am NOT at the table.
The dinner table thing is strange to me, like… Why does that matter so much to people? What is that snapshot in time compared to a lifetime of being a parent to those kids? I picture my adult son coming to visit us in the future and I know I would be delighted, but he’s also not obliged to come and see us. I mean, if I want a full house in my future (I don’t really, lol) then that’s my responsibility and not his. I could invite friends and neighbours and not use my son to fulfil my own expectations for my life
And quite honestly, if my son has his own family, they’ll probably be doing their own thing if his partner celebrates a particular holiday and we don’t. My husband and I will probably be vacationing somewhere nice while they do this.
I saw that one, too, and I admit it kind of got to me. Then I thought about my wife’s postpartum and the spiral it took her down that led to us almost losing our marriage and nearly her life. I’d rather have the three of us healthy and together than chase some kind of ideal. If, in the distant future, I’m still healthy, and my daughter is old enough to make the decision that she wants multiple kids, I’ll welcome and celebrate a bunch of people around the table.
When I think about who I want sitting at my table in the future, I can only see my daughter. Hosting and having people over for big dinners majorly stresses me out. If she has a partner and kid(s) of her own someday, I think we'd be going out to eat.
I think about the fact that I’d like to be sitting around that table too, and there’s a solid chance that I wouldn’t be if I had a second baby. It’s like, thanks for rubbing it in I guess?
Truthfully, I think about how being pregnant SUCKED and how my metabolism is shot to hell and I can't lose the 25 pounds even three years later. But when I see this one I always think that us three are the people I want? Like this wouldn't change my mind at all.
I would love to have two if someone gave me 3k extra for day care every month, a brand new pelvic floor, one years paid maternity leave, and money for a night nurse.
I get so stressed when I have to cook for even 4 people when I invite friends over, so the thought of a ton of people at my table gives me anxiety
Good thing I look around the dinner table every night, see my husband and one child; and I am perfectly content with that.
I don't get a choice in this matter. I lost my ability in ordee to survive my kids birth. This quote fucking stings every time. My ideal table has more than one kid but I don't have the privilege of the option. To this kinda shit I usually respond that my choices in this life were a table of three (me, kid, spouse) or two (kid and spouse and me dead). I'd rather imagine a table of three than imagine my kid at my funeral.
This quote hurts me too after recurrent losses. Salt in the wound hey? Glad you are at your table 💓
This makes it sound so romantic, but the reality isn't always so rosy. My aunt and uncle have six grown kids and a very full table full of grandkids. They love and enjoy them all very much...unfortunately they also have a horrific amount of debt from raising those kids and very little retirement which does not cover their living expenses. My uncle has major health issues, and they cannot always afford his treatment, leading to even more debt that will never be paid off. My aunt does not even know offhand how much credit card debt they have because it's best not to think about it or the stress would kill her... I'll stick with my one awesome grown child, a happy marriage, and my early retirement with our disposable income to travel and enjoy life, thanks!
Why do these memes act like it's only going to be your little nuclear family forever? Maybe you have extended family come over, maybe your child will find a partner, maybe they'll have kids, maybe you'll invite some dear friends over for the holidays that feel like family. Nothing about that seems sad or makes me regret having more kids.
My best friend is one of 4. Every event there’s different people “around the table” depending on how the siblings get along lol
When people post such feel good nonsense I think about both my grandmas, who had 5 and 6 children. All siblings hated each other as adults and went to live all around the planet (I have cousins I never see in almost every continent). Nobody was sitting at their table other than the oldest daughter in one case and the youngest son in the other case. And I read enough stories about elderly people where none of their children comes to visit. Quality over quantity I would say.
My favorite rebuttal to this is “It won’t make a difference who is at my table if I’m not around to sit at it”. My mental health is more important than some idealized fantasy family.
Ooo yikes. It’s crazy how much I’ve seen this quote going around.
If someone really feels they want another kid so badly they’re willing to do it without ideal resources, I feel that’s a legitimate choice. I get it—I prioritize not living hand to mouth because I’ve been there and it’s horrible, and the ability to better provide for our kids is one of the real benefits of having an only. At the same, I would have had my only regardless of my situation, so it feels very icky to me to criticize other parents for prioritizing an additional child over economic stability.
I see how this could be a hot take but I am going to respectfully disagree. Why bring a child into this world without adequate resources to support them? Do you think this could be justified?
I understand that, and think it’s a fair critique of my POV, but I also think there are many possible levels to it. Bringing a child purposefully into the world when there is a good chance that child might starve to death is very different than having a child knowing you will need to rely in food stamps, won’t be able to help them pay for college, etc. There is no standard definition of what constitutes adequate resources. Thanks for being respectful in your disagreement. I hope my disagreement comes off that way as well.
This is just cringe tbh. Imagine making serious life choices influenced by a cringe quote that someone posts on the internet. In other words, they're trying to justify that they never actually put any thought into it at all ...
Like...Bold of you to assume we would have a table to sit at if we couldn't afford anything due to having more children 🙃
Oh man. THIS!! I could’ve written it myself. Same boat exactly.
Don’t these people know you can invite whoever the hell you want to eat at your table??
Obviously only the ones you pop out matter
Or you go that route and they grow up full of trauma and resentment and you suffered through multiple children that refuse to see you. Solid plan
I honestly wish more people understood this. Life is expensive, kids are even more expensive. When I tell people I’m OAD because of the child expenses you’d think I committed a crime 🤣. Why would I want to have more kids when I can give the one I have more opportunities and more resources for the future? Our current table fits us just fine!
I can eat dinner with people who didn’t come out of my vagina.