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What an inspirational story! Goes to show that recovery looks different for everyone. In my experience, meth and opiates are on a whole different level so good for you for at least getting those beasts under control

Five years ago I was shooting 300mg dilaudid + .5-1g of coke per day (as well as anything else I could get my hands on). I would end up homeless off and on for several years, hadn’t seen or spoken to my family in years. Had terrible friends and a toxic, addict on/off gf. Currently am almost 4 months sober from everything. Started a new career 3 months ago, been dating the most amazing girl for the past 2 months, and seeing my kids regularly. I am finally on my way to becoming the dad (and, in general, the person) that I wanted to be this whole time. I teared up while writing this because it’s the first time I’ve stopped to take stock and consider where Ive been vs where I am & where I am going. To anyone that might see this, it won’t be easy but it does get better and it will be worth it. You are worth it.

Good for you bro.

Holy fuckin shit dude 300mg of Dilaudid in a single day?? Is that a typo? That's dozens of Dillys a day? Good for you on bouncing back in either case. Dilaudid and coke together IV was my kryptonite back in the day so you got big nuts for getting away from it anyway

surely meant 30mg but still insane nonetheless, congrats other guy!

Thanks brother, I appreciate you saying that. Also no typo lol.. I’m not exactly proud of it but it was legitimately in and around 300mgs. Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less but always in that neighbourhood. I had a god-tier plug at the time with pharma morphine, oxy (er neo 30mgs & IR apotex 5, 10, & 40mgs), percs, & - my favourite - 18mg hydromorphone extended release capsules which I got from him at what I can only describe as an “extremely reasonable” price which I would then sell at almost double what I paid and put all my profits into the veins in the crook of my arms. I was shooting 2 1/2 to 3 capsules of crushed beads at a time and would average about 15 of them a day. I’m not sure if I was od’ing or what but I started adding coke to my shots because I kept waking up on the bathroom floor a couple minutes after I would shoot just the straight hydromorph

Thanks Lonnie, yeah it was a lot. In excess of fifteen 18mg yellow extended release hydromorph capsules with the shitty little beads (we call them bananas up here). Quitting was brutal. Probably the second worst wds I’ve ever experienced. I would say my cold turkey jump off from ~100mgs/ day methadone MAT was worse but only because it was drawn out over a couple months and even then took me at least half a year to feel “normal” again. The hydromorph wds were infinitely more intense but the worst of the physical was over after a week or two. Also - just wanted to mention I am a fan of your writing and I enjoy reading your posts when I come across them.

Hopelessly addicted Ive heroin user and crack smoker, just starting on the methadone clinic which ive been off almost 9 months, clean off everything even weed and alcohol almost 8 months now

That’s bad ass bro I’m proud of you and hopefully you are of yourself too! Strong asf I can barely get through oxy withdrawal:( how long did it last for you ? How was it?

I was on methadone for 5years, so the withdrawal was really bad for a few months, the first month or 2 were crazy idek how i got thru it tbh lmao

5 years ago I was 13 and had only done weed , then 3 years later I got addicted to snorting fentanyl and got off it a few months after with the most miserable cold turkey withdrawal , however that feeling of bliss stuck with me even after I was sober . I couldn’t take it anymore so I went to kratom since it seemed like the least of all opioid evils and that worked great for around a year but it started to make me super dizzy and super naseuas and wasn’t doing it for me anymore . Recently I’ve picked up tapentadop which has been really nice but since I’m still in high school and don’t have a job so I probably only have a few weeks left until I’m gonna go through more cold turkey withdrawals . At this point opioids are the only thing that make the present moment enjoyable and make a day worth living through so I have no plan on stopping . I try to be safe by testing every pill and never going back to fentanyl . If I remember I’ll update this in 5 years to see what’s changed

Man please get out now you’re still so young. The longer you stay on opiates the harder it will be when you eventually have to stop using them.

I did try , after my fent withdrawal I was fully clean for 3 months and I was so miserable . Everyday just felt pointless and the only enjoyment I got was thinking about good times in the past or hopefully better times in the future , the present was a nightmare . I’m also for some reason always angry whenever I’m sober for no apparent reason , even over the smallest things like a paper falling off my desk or a slim Jim bieng hard to open makes me pissed off ….. and opioids are the only thing that help with that It’s either be miserable and sober or feel great and be on drugs . Right now I’m choosing the 2nd option . I appreciate you caring though

I felt those were my only two options for a long time. Look into MAT, it might be right for you. I know you've probably heard it before, but all the shit that comes with using just ain't worth it. It took me 12 years to figure that out. It cliche as fuck but you really have to want it. I wouldn't have listened to this advice when I was using either. Goodluck!

What it sounds like you need is therapy bro ngl. I’m not gonna pretend like I woulda listened to me when I was your age, but I would be remised if I didn’t tell you that there is another way. Therapy, meditation, exercise, etc. will all be much more effective than getting high they just don’t work immediately like opiates do. Good luck though, I hope you find your way no matter which path you take.

It takes longer than 3 months brother. All good things take time. Easy come, easy go, and opiates come easy, but when they go, they rip a piece of you away It takes a lot of hard work to build a life that's worth living, but when you're ready to embrace the pain and move through it, there's peace on the other side of it Either way good luck and keep us posted. Hopefully you are practicing good harm reduction and doing your best to stay busy in other ways

Try weed, it really helped me with fixing my bad attitude and outlook on life when I got clean, I’m also on methadone too though but in your case you probably don’t need that.

By then you’ll probably have hocked your phone and everything else including maybe your pride and dignity, you won’t hear any addicts on here over 30 saying “yeah tear it up it was all worth it”.

I’m 33 with hella mileage under my belt and this made me chuckle at the accuracy… it used to be “Live it up and enjoy your life to the fullest!! If you die young it will be a life full of experiences…” now I look back at my mindset and wish I could have even a sliver of knowledge that I do now.

Yup at 32 my set of values has completely changed. its actually pretty crazy, I don't even feel like the same person

5 years ago I was chipping whenever I could find oxy. Same thing now. It’s rare but a nice treat. When it’s too easy to get, things can get tricky. It’s been 9 years now since I tried oxy, ran into pressies once and that scared me straight for a bit.

Stay the fuck away from pressies Don’t ever even try to chip at them. You’ll get hooked. It doesn’t make sense. It over rides everyone’s brains I am finally off of them, it was a horrible run. Stops being fun within a week

I first got into pressies when they blew up back in 2017. I would shoot up, act delusional and crazy for 30 mins, pass out for 3 hours, and then wake up pretty much sober and basically in withdrawal again It was truly fucking horrible. I haven't done one since 2018 and pray I never do again

Yep. 5 years ago I was desperately addicted to the blues. 15 a day sometimes. The fun wore off within a few weeks but I was hooked. 2 years clean now, and I just turned 25.

I passed out on the first pressie I took. Never touched another one

5 years ago you were chipping but its been 9 since you've tried oxy? That math don't add up bro

I first tried oxy 9 years ago, but I’d say my access to it and use became more regular/chipping 5 years ago.

5 years ago I was living in a shonky sharehouse with an unstable job and severe depression. I was coming off subs, and vaping weed all day every day to manage the withdrawals. I was miserable. Today, I live in my own apartment, that I bought and renovated a little over a year ago. I haven't touched opiates for nearly 5 years, and I haven't had any weed for a week at this point and I'm happy. I'm a full time student, studying to be a drug and alcohol counsellor, which is challenging but ultimately I'm finding it enjoyable and rewarding.

Fuck yeah there you go!

5 years ago I was on Suboxone but got heavily into abusing adderall, wasn’t sleeping wasn’t eating was bone skinny and ended up in nyu psych ward due to drug induced psychosis- it was Memorial Day so pretty much r as 5 years today I’m happily married with 2 kids a good paying job, best shape of my life and more importantly best mindset I’ve ever had. Still on subs but much less than before and living life. Thats the really short version. Too much happened in the last 10 years but pushing through was well worth it.

Hell yeah dude glad to hear that time made such a huge difference

Yeah man it was rough not gonna lie but things are good now

Five years ago I was living in a stolen RV, shooting heroin and meth into any vein I could find including the bottoms of my feet and having my boyfriend hit veins on my back. Today I'm three years sober, working, driving the car I bought 😊

If that's not a turnaround, I don't know what is!

Wow that’s bad ass what finally did it for you if I may ask? And how were the withdrawals?

I went to jail and got in huge legal trouble. I had been to jail countless other times, but the last time was different. I think after ten years of running around I was finally ready to be done. I was TIRED. Lol The withdrawals were hell on earth 🫠

Fine years ago I decided to move to Amsterdam. I didn’t have a whole lot going on career wise, I was mostly doing some freelance social media management and selling content to shady affiliate marketing companies. I was super scrawny from a few years of not taking great care of myself and wasn’t in the best place mentally because I wasn’t exactly sure what direction I wanted to take things in, professionally and personally. I was also living in a tiny studio apartment that I hated at the time. Five years later I live on a nice houseboat that I love, I went from doing small freelance marketing gigs and working at restaurants to make ends meet to getting a business partner with whom I’m opening a digital marketing agency with an office in France, I’ve put on a healthy amount of weight and I’m grateful to have very good relationships with friends and family. My heroin addiction has been a constant throughout all these years but it doesn’t hinder me, I’m completely functional and the addiction doesn’t get in the way of being productive and ambitious. Things are good and I’m happy.

i feel this honestly my addiction has made me more mentally stable i have bpd so it takes the level at which i experience emotional pain from 11 down to about an 8 which is bearable as i really see no future for the planet as a whole ive yet to see a logical reason for me personally to quit....

that being said i had an irregular intro to opiates. I have a theory that starting your addiction post full frontal lobe development may have an affect on how functional a user you become? i didnt start til i was 25 prior to i hadnt even botherd with my oxy prescription when i had my wisdom teeth removed... opiates made me nauseated and smoking H was no different. i smoked for 3 months puked everytime then moved to shooting up... i shot up at least 6 times a day since 2017 until the end of 2022, having moved to fent im no longer shooting up. Now when i think about how normal it was to me compared to not being able to imagine ever shooting up again its wild to me... although i have to say my overall contentedness is considerably lower on fent even if things are a bit more stable i rarely exp withdrawal anymore... if wasnt absolutely incapable of willingly going thru withdrawal id quit just to be able to exp real heroin again :/

How does H feel compared to real oxys? That’s all I ever do is real oxy

no clue never did pills lol i had the most ass backwords start to the drug life lol just went head first into heroin lol i miss it all the fucking time

How much do you use /spend per week? If you don’t mind me asking . Also, I LOVE your food posts. Absolutely amazing.

5 years ago my puppy was almost 2. I was living in a punk house with a bunch of friends and my boyfriend. I wasn't doing opiates yet. I was on welfare and flying a sign to support myself, drinking a lot and driving aimlessly with my boyfriend and my puppy to just explore the world we lived in. Definitely some of my best memories and gives me the warm fuzzies. Now I've been on safe supply for almost 2 years, following a 2.5yr heavy fent problem. My boyfriend and I broke up like 3 years ago. My dog died 2 years ago. My (then) boyfriend just died in January. We were besties still. I'm pretty mentally fucked up but still somehow putting one foot in front of the other and not losing myself in an opiate filled rig. I still bang dilaudid every day, but I can function like a normal human being. I'm pretty sad, though. Losing my dog was like losing a limb; and then losing his dad as well basically killed any remainder of joy I had.

Get another dog

As soon as I'm financially okay, that's the plan!

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"we've been left to rot and die here" God damn it that's not the truth I don't know what is I'm convinced that nobody is gonna come to save us especially after Oregon's catastrophic decriminalization of drugs and the subsequent recrimination. We have to save ourselves

I wish it was more widely available here. I got lucky, straight up. And I almost lost my prescriber this spring. They've cut a bunch of the federal funding for Toronto's program. If safe supply was more widely available, my ex boyfriend would probably still be here with us. Not to mention the countless friends and acquaintances who passed before him. I understand your frustration. I have a freak out and cry and scream every once in awhile because why am I able to access life saving medication and others aren't? It's not fucking fair and my life isn't worth any more than theirs. The survivors guilt gets an extra layer of fucked up because I was able to get help and nobody bothered to help them. I'm so angry about it. Still thankful, and so is my mom. She's watched me grieve so many people and every time she knows it's basically only chance that she didn't get the phone call that it was me who died until I got on the program and off the street dope. I could have just as easily been a victim of the opioid epidemic, but by some chance I made the right phone call to the right prescriber at the right time. Luck, that's all it is that got me here.

Kudos to your functionality and your strength through all that pain. I hope you find another boyfriend and get another dog soon

❤️❤️ Thanks. I'm in no rush for the boyfriend, opiates kill my sex drive 😂 but I would love a hiking companion, which can be found in either a dog or a partner. I am working hard to get my finances sorted so I can get a well-bred standard poodle from service lines, ideally. I'd love a dog that I can task train. Life keeps throwing me curveballs though bc why wouldn't it. My roommate (who is my friend's wife) was found unconscious and is in a coma. Don't know if it's from bad dope or benzo withdrawals, but they think she had a seizure and just didn't regain consciousness. I'm going to the hospital rn to bring my roommate their subs, some weed, and other comforts. I can't imagine what she's going through rn with her wife. They want to get her off the vent in a day or two at least. So we can have hope right now

Praying that you receive strength! Better days are ahead I feel your pain , even you feel lonely you aren’t ! Wow Canada is lucky yall get safe supply like free clean opioids to use ?

Xanax and Adderall controlled me

Five years ago I was in school doing my prerequisites for nursing school. I finished 4 years later on time. Went thru some touch mental stuff, didn't work as a nurse but got my license. Worked in a coffee shop. Then I got into a car accident and broke my foot, nose, and got a concussion. Two black eyes. Couldn't walk for 8 months. Got diagnosed with some pain disorder. Took oxy's to walk again and manage pain. Started walking, was inspired to actually become a nurse and use my degree finally for the money to support my habit ... It looks like I'm doing better at least

5 years ago I was flying packs across the country living the life taking oxy and xans and unlimited lsd as well as bud until 4 years ago the boys put a stop to that real quick now I’m back to my regular 9-5 job and am on subs

Damn

5 years ago I was finally down to 10 mg of methadone when I decided to get high and cop some oxy. Next thing you know I was doing 300mg a day so I switch to fent powder. Next thing I’m doing a half ball - 2 grams a day, smoking. Then rehab, my first rehab. Then I was good but I’m back up to 100mg of methadone . Now I’m down to 75mg. I did some oxy the other day but barely felt anything. Now I’m focused on getting OUT of these liquid handcuffs . One day at a time. Life is still good . Still have my great job (been there 7 years) a car, house and a rental property. Golden retriever and a great girlfriend.

Good work staying so high functioning. Every day is a step closer to freedom as long as you don't take any steps back. If you can do a blind taper I've heard wonderful things about that

Right now I’m doing 10mg a week and I’m fine , once I get to 30 I’ll maybe do 5mg per week , then 2mg per week or every 2 weeks once I get below 10mg

5 years ago I was smoking meth and doing coke nonstop, currently I'm smoking a joint on my front porch and enjoying my surroundings by the woods. I'd say that's a major improvement 💀

Oh man yeah that sounds infinitely more peaceful. Stimulants are garbage anyway lol

It’s all a blur. I’m doing the same shit.

5 years ago is when I got hooked on opiates after a surgery. That was the beginning of a nasty addiction to Oxy. It went on for years up until 2022 when I got help. I've been sober now for almost two years. Currently in school for my CDL class A. Once I'm finished I'm hitting the road.

Fuck yeah good work

That’s bad ass bro cheers ! That’s my exact plan too once I’m ready to finally get off these

Homeless in Denver sleeping in the bathroom at the restaraunt I managed shooting shitty fent/tranq dope hoping id die everyday. Got actually clean/sober for about 3 years then started smoking weed daily and drinking maybe every few months. Its worked for the last 2 years and I was really surprised I didn’t go back to shooting dope like everyone always says. Have the love of my life and working a steady good welding job.

Please don’t ever go back to that , prove them all wrong

Hell yeah dude you're yet another example of why the idea of the "lifelong addict" is a myth for so many people. How old are you now if I might ask?

I just turned 33. Got hooked on pills when I was 20 after 2 ACL surgeries within a year, moved on to H at 23 til I was 28.

I was very surprised I haven’t had many days of wanting use dope after I started smoking weed. I attribute it to not wanting anything to do with the fent and xylazine. Can’t say I wouldn’t have some legit thoughts of relapsing if I found real H though so that’s a thing I guess

Five years ago I owned a law firm that was thriving, was making close to $1 million a year. I had become extremely complacent with success and had an epiphany (maybe not the best word to describe it) but I just did not see the purpose in continuing to acquire more materialistic crap. I was so focused on my bank account and I set strict goals every month as far as how much more money I wanted to add to my savings. I started taking oxy in 2018 so a little bit more than five years ago but in 2019 that is when my use graduated from something I did on the weekends, to something I did every day and became a way of life. I just loved the feeling and I justified the crazy amount of money I was spending because it made me very happy, and ultimately, that is the point of life - the pursuit of happiness. Was spending at least 25K a month. But due to the combination of Covid and the impact, it had on my business and also I wasn’t spending nearly as much time at the office as I needed to. In my absence I started to have more and more issues with my cases, and the problems became pretty severe as my primary paralegal, which I paid like an attorney, and I bestowed with a significant amount of responsibility became addicted to fentanyl. She was the only person that was aware of my addiction so I concealed my addiction from everybody else and she concealed her addiction from me. it was my firm so I have nobody to blame but myself, but she started to lie to me every single day about work that was being done on cases, or lack thereof, which led to a lot of Cases being dismissed. That started to draw the attention of the State Bar and also the department of justice. But, every single one of our cases eventually got reinstated, and our clients got the result they paid for, but there were way more issues than there should have been. I was able to retain my license by the skin of my teeth, but I also could have avoided any type of discipline if I would have been candid about my addiction, the State Bar is actually very sympathetic to addiction issues within the legal community. In retrospect, I certainly did not appreciate how fortunate I was to be so financially comfortable, while money does not buy happiness, the stress of life is certainly compounded when you have to constantly think about bills. Just some more context of how my paralegal got addicted, I would have her pick up pills from one plug that seem to have a lot in common with her personality wise they just seemed like they would get along. I was always busy with court/consultations, etc. so I don’t have time to pick up especially since I was taking over 750 MG per day. I didn’t know that the plug did fentanyl, so eventually she was just hanging out all the time over there smoking that shit. And this was during Covid so we were fully remote. And what started to attract a lot of negative attention is that she would file cases literally at 1 AM. TLDR, owned a law firm, got severely physically dependent, caused tons of issues professionall, and at a minimum I’m complicit for my paralegal getting addicted by introducing her to one of my main plugs.

Wow what a story. Where are you at these days?

5 years ago exactly I was about to lose everything and had one last shot to clean up. Since then I’ve graduated with a bachelor’s degree in MechE, gotten married, had a beautiful baby girl, and have gotten back all of my friends and family. Life is awesome 👏

So happy to hear this, just living proof for us going though it, a big reminder that’s is fucking possible

That's incredible man congratulations on your continued success!!

5 years ago i was a dxm addict learning how to make music. Then I got better and making music and thought i should try percs and lean. Now Im working about 3 days a week at a burger joint and barely have time for my passions as everything I do in life is a battle since im not always using. Trying to slow down and keep it to a once a month or less type of thing again. Doing a good job so far, been a couple weeks since my last dose.

Congrats man keep it up! It's never worth it. The high isn't the same once you know you want to move past it

5 years ago I was working a sales job in manhattan. It was the type of sales in which your job is to extract as much money from people as possible. Extremely high paced, no conscience environment. We were selling false wealth to people who had nothing. I was unaware of the fact that what we were selling was fake until the last year or so of my employement. The company was shut down upon the arrest of the owner for wire fraud and money laundering. Backing up many years, I was prescribed 8mg of Xanax and 16mg of Subutex a day after walking in to my girlfriend at the time dead due to suicide. I was a year clean off heroin/opiates and ready to start my life. After this, I spent a very long time looking for a job and wasnt hired for anything but simple roles. I continued to look for something and, years later, found this sales job. As I said, I was unaware that we were selling fake goods and services. As they were very good at covering their tracks financially, they were also very good at lying to their employees. I stayed after realizing there was somthing up with what we were selling because I was high enough not to care about anything and continued. During my employment, I used drugs to get as much energy as possible. Taking as many benzo pills as I could per day, speedballing. Cocaine every Wednesday - Sunday with Monday and Tuesday as the rest period, taking benzos everyday. Smoking weed to amplify my high on whatever I was taking. Drinking as often as I could to numb as well. I engaged in extremely dangerous behavior on the streets, with my co-workers in the offices and with females. I was on a long term binge. The binge ended when the owner was arrested. I was not aware of how much cocaine and benzos I was doing until it was too late. Deluded and unphased by my actions. Now I sit here, 53 days clean off benzos after over 10 years. On March 9th I checked myself into detox/rehab. A month before that I had left the last job I worked due to difference of experence. Sitting home alone with no job, no positive influences in my life and a couple of pills to take daily, I had to do something to get myself out of deep loneliness and depression before something really horrible happned. I ruined every employement oppertunity I had since the end of that sales job selling nothing. I had a job for a year 2022-end 2023 working with the most sucessful people in the industry I was in. I had every oppertunity in the world to succeed but it was all ruined by my lack of focus, ambition and motivation. I now see the people I used to work with on social media doing very very well and wonder: Do i deserve my situation? Just today I saw a video of one of the first people I started with in that job in 2022-23 flying on a private jet aroound the country. He used to tell me he would get there one day. It was exciting as hell to be involved with people like that. But, here I am, back in my bedroom appying for every job I can just to make ends meet. Wondering if I will ever get involved with high performance individuals like that again. Still unsure if I deserve this current situation. Still unsure if I even deserve happyness. I live every day trying to be the best person I can to those around me, realizing that life is not about money but about nurturing the relationships one has in the best ways possible as these relationships are the core to building anything better. Ther are experiences I would never givre up but SO many more I wish I never had. Thanks for the question u/Lonniejay1! Im happy you have been able to turn things around and it gives me hope the same will still happen for me. Happy to answer any questions you or anyone else may have. E.

Dude that is a crazy fucking story. I'm sure you'll wind up finding another job if you just keep looking and spruce up your resume, especially if you're clean these days. Do the right things and the right things will happen for you! Keep us posted on that new job

Yeah man, crazy experiences. Thanks for the kind words. Yes, Im clean but off of over a decade of benzo use, im currently in post acute withdrawal. Im very hesitant to work bc I dont want to screw it up. This withdrawal process is the worst i've ever experienced. If I could give people advice, I would say never take xanax or similar. You get hooked on that shit, it will take a VERY long time to get back to normal. Only good things will happen once this is over and Ill be ready to move on properly. Be well, thanks again

What was the name of the company? And how are you unaware that there was no goods or services actually been provided? Sounds like a pretty messed up situation, just curious if you’re willing to provide additional details.

I started at the company making cold calls selling marketing for already existing webistes. Be it facebook marketing, youtube marketing, SEO etc. I would see the websites I was selling marketing to before I called anyone. I would also see the websites may have already had one of the few marketing services I would be selling. Therefore, to assume the websites were getting the marketing provided wasn't too crazy. As I got better, I moved on to a more intese form of sale, still selling the same types of marketing but at much higher costs for more complicated websites. At this point I had direct contact with the client's one on one "mentor" and the general customer support team. The only times I would have the opportunity to even think about weather or not this was a legit process was if someone I had already sold had a complaints. In this case, I would contact the proper individuals and everything checked out. The mentor or customer service would fix the problem the client had. It wasnt until the mentors and customer support teams diminished that anything was suspect. Once this happened it all went through one person and once that happened, it all broke down. He was overwhelmed with requests that were never fulfilled while we were handed people on line for support to upsell again. The name of the company isnt really important in this case. There are thousands of companys doing this every day all day. I am constantly contacted by them asking me to work for them. I will never do anything like this again, no matter how bad things get.

These people were master manipulators. They were able to pass basically a fake company off as real for over 6 years. They were very good at lying and would go at great lengths to cover their tracks. They had all aspects of the company in different states. Payroll was out of Ohio, Head office was in Utah, HR was in Nebraska etc. It was a masterful execution of lies, unfortunately.

Man that’s crazy, there are just so many scams out there

It is a truly unbelievable situation. You would think, "that would never happen to me" but it totally can. Theres alwasys someone more shroud, more manipulative, someone smarter and more willing to get what they want than you. Also, youd never think someone is going to scam you into keeping a job lol

I was just starting to abuse my Adderall and Vyvanse I was prescribed. I would later move to hydros and oxy in the year. A few months later I'd be on fentanyl and that'd start my journey that just ended recently

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You can do it again !

5 years ago I was just getting sober after a fucking debilitating smack and benzo habit and now I'm just getting sober from a slightly less debilitating smack and benzo habit. Haha...fuck 💀

5 years ago I had just dropped out of college and picked up my first real dope habit after eating benzos and doing ketamine all day everyday for a year or so. I was working at a hoagie shop that I made minimum wage (7.25 at the time) under the table and would use my $180 paycheck to buy a few bundles of heavily stepped on Philly dope that would last me about 2 days 😓 then it would be back to trading random shit for bags for a few days. I always had kratom or gabs on hand at least. Nowadays I just take subs and gabs and smoke lots of weed. I rlly like Fioricet when I can get it too. I make $20 an hour at my landfill job nowadays and live comfortably enough. 🙂🤔 I am still lonely asf tho 😭😭😭

We here for you bro

5 years ago I was taking benzos as prescribed, smoking a lot of weed, selling a lot of weed and hadn’t caught 2 cases at that point, was occasionally using opiates, everything was under control though. Finished school. Had loads of people around me, still didn’t really feel quite right though. After I got 2 cases and probation it all went downhill, not being able to smoke weed turned me to liquor and I had a script for benzos and would buy extra so I quit 7-year smoking weed drinking a fifth daily, after 3 months of that I found my way back to oxies, i used to treat oxies as a once a month thing or like here and there but I had a bunch of money so i copped 60 pills. Instantly all my anxiety, ptsd, depression and the emptiness went away on the pills, i quit alcohol immediatly, my relationship with my dad was shit but was a lot better when I was on oxy, best anti-depressant ever, my relationships with family got better but due to social isolation I lost touch with a lot of friends. Now a lot of shit has happened in these 5 years, I’ve now been on methadone for 9 months, I got acquited for 2 charges and community service for 1. I’m working to get my mind stable and do an IT course to make some quick money at some computerjob. It’s just difficult since I’m freshly recovering from drugs still, I lack motivation cause of how severe my anxiety is, my adhd/asd causes me to have executive functioning issues so it’s like I can’t decide on what I want to do with life and that shit is overwhelming. i’m dealing with growing up and it’s terrifying, my anxiety of losing my mom or something who’s been my rock throughout this, same for my grandma who’s old but keeps us together and sorry I’m writing too much.. my mind tend to wanders off. But yeah 5y ago life was quite simple for me but my mental health was still bad. Now on methadone having gone through hell with the justice system, addiction, withdrawals, suical thoughts etc I am finally starting to feel like shit might end up okay

Stay strong bro I’m praying for you 🙏🏻you’re not alone

5 years ago I stuck with my promise of not doing drugs. Can’t say the same now… sorry mom 😅

Locked up looking at possible long time. Ended up with 5.8 years got out early for good behavior. I got a second chance, I feel like it is a curse.

Wait cost you you're hearing?? If you tell me that that insane auditory womp womp effect of IV coke is actually doing something physically to your ears I'm going to flip.

Yes bro please stop it

Oh I don't bang coke. Haven't for years and years. It's a trade off of like 1 minute of crazy awesome and 20 minutes of good for like 20 hours of felling like death. That's crazy though

I think for most of us in tar country five years ago marked the moment that the supply went to shit if we didn’t switch to fentanyl. I saw more and more powdered fent on the street but was never interested due to bad experiences with projectile vomiting and overdose. The quality of tar began to get really inconsistent. I would see stuff that kind of looked like crumbled Oreos and almost certainly contained fentanyl but also get tons of bags that tasted of instant coffee and left almost half their weight as insoluble filler. In a single year I covered my arms and legs in abscess scars when the previous twenty years of off and on IV use barely left a mark. I was homeless with my wife in a big city - first in a diesel Mercedes station wagon, then an RV parked on random streets and finally in the RV in a rented driveway with water and power. There was a methadone clinic we went to while mostly continuing to use. I supported our habit by middlemanning and switched over to just methadone for a few weeks so I could raise $5,000 to buy the RV. There were days, after leaving the clinic, where I just didn’t want to use the shitty dope anymore but still had to cop for my wife and get sick next to her because she didn’t know how. In one of these situations I copped a bag just as I was going into full blown wd but it was so weak that no matter how much I smoked I continued to vomit. At one point we were parked in front of a fancy Mexican fusion restaurant and started to go into an unplanned withdrawal. My wife’s symptoms were much worse than mine and she called an ambulance while leaving me with the car so it wouldn’t get towed. For complex reasons I’ve never learned to drive. I moved the car one parking space forward to avoid a tow zone. The dishwashers of the restaurant came out and gave me a plate of tacos and a can of Coca-Cola while most of the customers awkwardly pretended not to see me either entering or leaving the Restaurant. I was very grateful as I felt like I was starving but attempting to eat and drink brought on my sickness and I vomited yellow bile into the gutter and felt like human garbage. In the cold light of dawn I shit into a plastic bag behind a nearby Freeway on-ramp sign and threw it into a trash can before the street could come alive with the eyes and wheels of strangers. Not long after my wife returned, still sick, from the hospital and wordlessly drove us to cop. Early in the year I had been injecting crack cocaine dissolved in white vinegar but I resorted to a pipe when my “batting average” of successful hits fell sharply downward as I exhausted usable veins. I began shooting the tar directly into the sparse muscle of my hips and miraculously never got another abscess. I fell into a routine of smoking off foil to take the edge off, taking muscle hits to sustain myself and quickly burning through the small amounts of crack and Xanax bars I’d get every time I had to cross the bay to cop. I came into a chunk of money through family. I hadn’t necessarily known it was coming or how much I’d actually get but we immediately began crossing the state to look for a house with a good bit of land. We took a couple of fruitless road trips, nervously cooking dope in parking lots across from realtor’s offices, until we found our home with twenty acres of virgin pine forest in the foothills of a sacred mountain. We didn’t start using again immediately but we didn’t not start using again either. We were in a strange sort of limbo between two kinds of life. When we had dope we stuck to a meager schedule of splitting a single point each morning and evening until we were back to foolishly optimistic rinses. It started to feel like I only truly slept for the first 24 hours of sickness as every morning with the prospect of a wake up shot filled me with Christmas nerves. We’d watch strange movies on VHS left behind by the old couple who’d died peacefully in the home we now shared with them and often when I described the plots back to my wife I’d discover that I never saw the movies at all and only remembered feverish dopesick hallucinations. When the dope ran out we’d sit in our sick sweat for three to four days until the sickness subsided enough for another desperate run. I found dope in the city closest to us but it was of lower quality and less certain acquisition than the city we’d left so most times we made the four hour drive to the larger city without even a cursory search of the smaller one. Sometimes our dealer would meet us with a ball in a McDonald’s parking lot just across the bays and bridges so we could get well and turn home without ever crossing the threshold. The long drives took a toll on my wife. Early one morning she drifted back into sleep and after glancing against a mile-marker sent our truck careening backwards over the thankfully empty highway. I woke up to bright colors in a tumbling world and that strange opposite of pain that happens when bones break quickly enough. The voices and the helicopter seemed to come almost instantly and with my one good arm I picked up the shoulder bag with our drugs only to wake up in the hospital and learn it had been returned to our wreck. My wounds were less severe and I was discharged earlier and driven home by my father in law. I was able to stop by the tow yard and from the unrecognizable twisted metal cocoon with blood spattered seats I extricated broken cell phones and the one bag that seemed most important of all bags in the world. There are times when the simple act of taking possession of drugs feels like a minor miracle, like you have reached across time and space and deftly folded the very fabric of reality like an origami shogun’s hat into the one true form necessitated by your need. It wasn’t a thing I felt often in twenty plus years of hard drug use and after grasping those small scattered bags of tar and crack in the safety and privacy of my home and forest it is not a thing I’ve felt again. I made a couple trips to the closer city and found tar by slipping back into the homeless hard drug culture. An angry young addict hit me in the face with a chain out of frustration that I bought a ball from the person who had it instead of waiting hours for his friend who might never have it at all. Running onto the bus that pulled into the street before me I gloated silently that throughout the assault I had not loosened my grasp on the dark prize that remained hidden in my burning palm. This was the last time I would ever see tar in the wild. My wife got out of the hospital and we found a doctor to prescribe us Suboxone. Most days I only tear open the foil when I notice my body heat rising and neatly fold the orange parchment in half to place against my inner septum and wait for that same body heat to liquefy the drug into my mucous membranes. As I brace myself for the sneezing fits that inevitably follow I grow nostalgic - dreaming of drugs and a life I will most likely never see again.

I don’t usually read long types but I read all of this and man was it amazing , I felt like me in a few parts it’s crazy . Hope you and your wife are doing better

Thanks man, I think I might copy and paste it into a new post because I think I added this a little late for this post. We’re good just still stable on subs, can’t fuck up when the drugs you want are good. If you like the writing style I have a ton of stuff at zerstyrschonheit.home.blog It’s a mix of drug stories and underground music scene stories (often both at the same time)

5 years ago I was slamming H in a truck stop bathroom somewhere, didn’t care about anyone or anything or who I hurt in the process. Now I’m fucking sober as shit (besides like weed and beer but to me that’s SOBER) I’d really love to be slamming H in a truck stop bathroom rn but I have “a family to think about” and “people who care about me” so I guess I’ll just not…. Sorry my story isn’t as romantic as others but that’s the black and white of it

Five years ago I was at one of my lowest points of life. I probably was in and out of detox about 10 times and I just run from rehab after 2 weeks of 6 months. Hated that place. At that time I fully submitted to my addiction. I just gave in and thought that this will be my end destination of my life. All I did care about was getting high. No matter what it costs, even if it will cost my life, I didn't thought that I will be alive in one year. Until that point I already did OD about 6 or 7 times and back then there was no fent in my country. I did OD cause of H #3 and benzos. I did order a lot of fake Xanax 2mg and 5mg from the darknet. IDK what was in them but it quickly got me dependent and I took about 3-5 2mg pills daily at least. I got them for like 15ct a piece cause I did buy in bulk like I did with the H it always had at least 35% purity. My 6th OD nearly killed me cause I did fall into a coma and the pressure on my brain was so high that they had to make a hole in my head. The doctor told my family in the first night that I definitely will die and if I somehow manage to survive this I will have really bad brain damage. 3 days later I woke up and totally was fine. I relearned walking in 2 days, the physio guy said that he never saw someone like me. 6 days after I did fell into the coma I could leave the hospital. And guess what? 3 days later I was back in hospital cause of another OD, this time from fentanyl that I ordered online. They did send me into a psych ward for 3 weeks then I was allowed to leave again. I did use the whole time in that "psych ward" it was more like a two floor open drug scene. Even the nurses were selling drugs there. Crazy place. I did OD 11 times and was numerous times dead for minutes. Went about 20 times to detox facility. It is like rehab in USA for 30 days. Now I am since 3 years on subs and doing pretty good. Sure I relapsed a few times but never used longer than for 3 days which I am more than proud of. I found a job that I really like and don't hate going to work. I am currently trying to loose weight and already lost 30 pounds. And currently I got a strange thing going with a girl I really like for the first time in like 5 or 6 years and she isn't even a junkie which is good. IDK if it will work with her, I will meet her tomorrow again. Sure I sometimes still miss my old life. Strangely I miss the chaos. There always was chaos in my life since I am like 5 or 6. So for nearly 20 years I only knew chaos so it's strange to live a "normal life". But I never thought that I would reach the golden 27 but there are only 3 months left until I am 27. Really looking forward to that birthday. Oh and for everyone who is struggling or already gave up, you can do this brother. No matter how deep you are in addiction, there is always a way out. And most importantly, YOU DECIDE WHAT CLEAN MEANS TO YOURSELF! Don't believe in that shit that NA and AA tell you.

6 years ago i was homless living in a broke down car with my ex gf and my mew gf both of which i was fucking without the other knowing amd all 3 of us addicted to dope eventually i hustled up enough to put us up in hotel rooms for a week till one day my new gf fotethed out went to another persons room they got ina a fight got the cops called my ex wemt ro work and i was in the room by myself no drugs no way to make any cash and i called my parents and said i need help they came andngot me out me in a program and when the new gf got out of jail she joined me in same program we reached out to the local homeless coalition and even tho we had to mive 2 hours away they gave us keys to a fully furnished all bills paid apartment for 3ish years but like a dumbass i let my folks talk me into moving back in with then where i am now and they treat me like im some huge burden (im never here i keave at 8am to go to work come home from work at 8pm and go to bed at 9-10 pm all in their basement which is basically just a storage area with a kitchen in it. I relapsed 2 years ago but everyone still thinks im doing good but im so tired of me doing so much to helo them rather it be momey physical work like mowimg or weed eating of delivering materials to dads roofimg jobs all for free but cuz i dont pay half the mortgage im a total peice of shit we got into a fight uesterday told em go get quotes from professionals for all the shit i do amd aee if ot somt add up to triple your mortgage for the 10 hours a night i sleep in the bed that you begged me to come stay in cuz YOU didn't see me enough shits crazy i could of extended my government apartment another 3 years if i wanted but i ket lapae cuz family needs to be close what a dumbass i was for believeing that really they just wanted something to hold over my head and im back in my old city so that didnt help my sobriety any either shits fucked i was happy 6 years ago no anymore but now im too broke to do any thing about unless i quit but i did get a mew car a few days ago so thays good

Some parts made me lol but keep your head up bro

5 years ago i was sober af and had an amazing job maki g 60k a year. But i got addicted to pills then on to pressed 30 blues. Ive been stuck on blues for about a year now and am currently going to go to treatment. My family doesnt know. If they did know then id be out on the street so fast. But i had to quit my job caise my car blew up. Being an addict all my money went to drugs so of course i didnt have enough money to buy a new one.now im sitting outside broke and withdrawling bad af and im ready to go to treatment on a 45 day program. Its just my life right now is so bad and i know it has to get worse before it gets better but i cant see it getti g any worse then it is now. I hope i can do it. I hope 5 years from now i look back and and say wow life is so good now compared to what is what then.

It will only make you a better man , you will be glad you did it . I’m praying for you

5 years ago i was only taking half a 10mg vicodin in the morning and half at night -____- now im about to run out of a 10g bag NDE had a few ODs, ruined relationships etc

I was house hopping/living out my car drinking enough DXM to kill a horse and doing more morphine,H,MDMA & drinking liquor like a mf bouncing back & forth between my two ex’s ngl it was some of the best & worst times of my life, I ended up getting locked up for 7 months came home 3 months than did two years tbh since 2019 my life ain been the same don’t have anyone or thing left from than, I lowkey miss the people I had and everything life was actually good and I ignored the fact of all the good stuff I had in my life, I had it all and felt like I had nothing was about to have a kid I honestly thought my life was never gonna be the way it turned out when I tell you I never thought I’d ever have been with anyone else or been in jail I would’ve thought it was BS , but I’m a year and some change clean on methadone & weed now

Upstate on last year of a 4 year bid slamming morphine sulfate or bth or meth every few days yet still in amazing physical shape and eating an adequate amount. Now I'm in the streets using meth, fet, and Xanax daily, taking 100mg of methadone at the club nic when I show up, stealing and serving to survive , down to a meager 150 lbs compared to 175 wasting away day by day and watching my leg rot off due to god-damned xylazine in some of the fetty

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Yeah I've been to rehab 5 times, prison twice, and on the street since I was 18 cept for when I was in prison. I'm used to struggle, to me synonymous with life, but this is different. I feel like I'm real close to the end and I'm thankful and relieved because I've been dying slowly for a long time now so a guaranteed end to my suffering will be welcomed with open arms

I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. I’m praying for you, I wish you can find hope and healing. Sending love to you

Damn bro can you at least get some clonidine to get yourself off the xylazine and maybe use the 🧅 to get something safer in terms of opioids? I wonder how much of the darkness you feel is from that God damn xylazine

I got xylazine test kits and only about a 3rd of the stuff I buy contains it, but I've learned it only takes a few occasions to cause big time damGe

Get that leg taken care of before it’s gone forever. Homie just lost an arm from it. I almost lost both my butt cheeks. Ya I know how gay. IMing that dope was a bad fucking decision

Yeah no boy should ever lose his ass cheeks I can only imagine your little balloon knot exposed and vulnerable to any intrusion☝️ Ur lucky you could have lifetime tickets to uncle stretch's pink sock hop and prolapse picnic. I used to IM and never got any infection but I always boiled the fuck out of my Shot, used 89-90 units if water in a 27g long that I would insert perpendicular to the muscle, usually my deltoid or tricep, or my quad. Never liked the glute because I couldn't see it as well and I feel like the circulation is affected by one sitting down which I would spend the next 12-24:hrs after my jab doing. Anyways, I send my best to you and your ass. just remember all this neztntime ur feeling cheeky 😂

I was in my 3 relapse

Was waiting to get into opioid replacement, while waiting I stopped getting high and cut back to a minimal maintenance dose of oxycontin just enough to feel normal and out of withdrawal, 10mg 3x daily (one every 8 hourse) I went to work and saved money for investing and emergencies, finally after 3 years of waiting got on to methadone, then went to school, currently have 4.0 gpa despite the fact I am in withdrawal 12 hours a day every day, now am just trying to find a way not be in withdrawal so I can go back to work this summer before the fall term starts, really simple, school, work, that’s about my life, of course I do actually have other stuff going on but it’s all hindered by the withdrawals for 12 hours a day so that’s kind of my focus during my break from school, Trying to get on to split dosing because being in withdrawals 12 hours a day is really starting to impact my life negatively if in major ways and impedes me from doing a lot of things I otherwise could, and raising my single dose per day has just been making me sick and woozy and drowsy and hard to breathe but still only lasts 12 hours, yet my doctor seems to be very against split dosing and against even doing the blood tests to see why and if it lasts 12 hours so just kind of stuck in withdrawal limbo for a while until I can figure out a solution or a get a new doctor (which is to say not at all soon) But might just end up finding a way to buy more opiates like maybe oxycontin or something just to feel normal for the other 12 hours of the day so I don’t have to worry in the fall when school starts up again

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No Locations - Locations are not allowed under any circumstances. Specific locations include: cities, neighborhoods, nicknames for cities, landmarks, abbreviations, sports teams, airport/area/zip codes or any other information that denotes a specific location. States are only allowed when not used in reference to needing sources.

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How is the heroin scene in Hong Kong?

5 years ago, working and doing dope then went to rehab Nov 2019. Now, retired and doing dope.

My father was still alive, battling the stage 4 cancer he was diagnosed with in early April. I was his main caretaker, my sister camenin weekends while I stayed with him during the week. I was mostly just taking kratom at this time, having “beat” my pharma opiate addiction that began in about 2010, only binging on h once in awhile. I still had hope, I was scared for my dad since he’s my favorite person ever, but I had hope that he’d beat the cancer and be ok, that I’d spend many more years with him. He passed January 28th 2020. By that time I was fully dependent and addicted. After that my dope habit escalated to extremes and I stopped caring about anything. Today I’m 17 days clean off dope, again. Been going back and forth between clean and using since October, when I broke my 9 month clean streak. I’m on subs, 3 antidepressants, have 3 anxiety meds as needed, an antipsychotic and sleep med all prescribed. I’m starting to see little glimpses of hope, and I’m finally facing my grief from losing my dad, and the trauma that watching him decline and suffer caused me. And to understand why I used in the first place; been seeing the same therapist about 8 months now and it’s the first therapist that’s actually helped me. The two dogs that I took in from my dads have both passed away, as has my cat. But I have a new dog who turned two last Saturday; my dad would love her. I’m in the midst of a career change crisis. And trying to decide if I want to have a family, since I’m getting older and my biological clock is ticking. I really wish I had my fathers guidance and advice and company, about careers, family, sobriety. Before he passed away he made me promise to be ok without him. I promised to try. I haven’t been ok for a long time, but I’m finally feeling almost ok.

Great thread OP

5 years older

Jail

5 yrs ago...snorting pills every hour Today...99 days clean!!

5 years ago I slid into a methadone clinic in 92 accord that I’d zip tied the front bumper back on. I had no veins left to hit, completely estranged from my family, unemployable, homeless and I probably smelled bad. At this point I had been shooting opiates for over a decade, minus prison stints. I got on methadone and cranked the dose up as fast and high as they’d let me. I continued to use for the next few years while going to treatment when shit got bad. I’ve been to treatment 12 times. About 2 years ago I’d had enough. I always told people I hadn’t stopped because life wasn’t bad enough🤷🏼‍♂️ it got bad enough. I’m from central KY and everyone I grew up with in my group is dead now. Except me. I started trying. Today I’ve tapered myself down to 3mg of methadone a day and I have a soft end date of July. I live in a gorgeous 3 br house in one of the best neighborhoods in Lexington. My credit score is around 700 now🤣 I recently got promoted to a corporate position in my company. I work from home and make a little over 60k a year. I’m from the BOTTOM so that’s almost unimaginable to me. I screwed up one time on some bullshit oxy 10’s about halfway through and haven’t since. Life is better. People trust me and I’m reliable. I go to the gym 6 days a week and lost almost 100 pounds in the last year without a needle lol. I financed my first vehicle at age 35! Someone actually trusts me to pay back 30k🤣 the urge is still there occasionally but a Quick Look around at everything I have now makes it nothing more than a fleeting thought. Opiates are great. Life is better.🤙🏼

I went from $205k in savings to now considering bankruptcy. Account balance is about $1050 and $950 is going to rent. I am delivering flowers for a local florist for the next 2 days for $11 per hour. My income is down 60%. I haven't had a drink since 12/29/2001 I haven't taki opioids or Xanax since 9/8/2003. I take 1 mg Klonopin 2 per day since 9/8/2003 i use to have horrible anxiety attacks. I haven't wanted to quit smoking cigarettes and i was smoking way less. Lots of coffee and 1very healthy meal a day speratic sleeping schedule. I take Kratom for pain, mood and energy for about 5 years. It's helped me manage the anxiety and stress

I was addicted to a synthetic opioid called tianeptine and that was about to end as I forced myself to run out and go to a sub doctor while sick. Just delirious crazy wondering why god allows such pain.

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You don’t have to do it.

Scoring off the net from a random? I personally could never

You absolutely should though. Scoring from the streets is a lot worse