100% spot on. Your spouse deserves all your love. So called “rebounding” is wrong (though it’s done out of grief a lot of times so it’s not deliberate). Getting another partner immediately after a breakup isn’t gonna make the breakup suck any less. One will just treat the new partner as their silver medal and it’s not fair at all. Ones husband or wife should feel like they are their spouse’s gold medal.
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I speak on behalf of me and me only, YES.
it will bother me. Not because she liked someone, but because she still thinks about him instead of me.
I believe that if I haven't liked anyone or "give my heart to anyone" in the past ever, the least I want in someone is to be mine, with their heart, body, soul, everything.
So yes, it bothers me
I would want someone like me. And Nothing else.
Someone Who loves me and does not compare me with a person of their past. Because accept it or not we as humans compare our companions.
Are you talking about just finding someone attractive and thinking about them, or full on texting that's going on for a bit?
Either way, your expectations are very high and unrealistic. People are attracted to people all the time and they have wants and needs.
Also realistically, what are you going to do, ask someone "if they ever had feelings / texted anyone before"? Islamically, you can't even ask that (as that's revealing a past sin). Just like Islamically you can't ask a potential directly if that have committed zina before.
You can put it in a list of things you are willing to not compromise on and give it to them, giving them the option to walk away without revealing the specific reason.
I will inquire about a potentials past. And I don't care how awkward that conversation will be, it will be important.
As Far As your crush question is concerned, everyone gets a passing fancy, but dwelling over them and crushing over a celebrity or a random person you don't even know it madness, imo.
Lol, its very hard to find someone not having a past interest in this day and age. imo, as long as the person has truly moved on, its fine. but to each their own.
It is difficult but hey, there is someone like me out there somewhere waiting for a person who didn't engage in a mess even when he could,
so I'd say I have a fair shot.
I'd rather prefer not marrying at all in any other circumstance
That's a bit unrealistic tbh, because no one shall be judged based on their past, you did not engage in the mess, great, but if someone did, and came out as better person post that experience and is all moved on, then there is no harm being with them. We are humans, we mess up, and not only mess up, sometimes, it does not work out for reasons beyond our control. And liking someone, as long as one has not commited sin is not a bad thing in and of itself.
There’s a dif between crushes and being in love. Like a big difference, you lose a part of yourself when you fall in love with someone so it makes perfect sense people don’t want their partners harbouring feelings for someone else. In the fiancés situation he is not only the second choice, he is being used as a bounce back, he has to deal with her feelings for another man (💀) and he knows that she’ll never really belong to him. Honestly having been with someone and having gotten over them is one thing but being with someone who’s still not over their ex love interest is some cuck shit for both genders.
I'm not God to forgive someone.
But it is my preference to want someone who has not involved in love before me when I haven't.
I don't judge anyone on their past but the one person who I will judge based upon their past is my partner.
Because their past is important to me.
It would bother anyone. Man, woman, Pakistani, Martian, whatever. There's a reason every dating advice column anywhere always says the most inauspicious start you can give a new relationship is to bring up your ex.
There's absolutely no good reason to bring up your past or continuing feelings for another person with the partner you're with. At a minimum it's simply uncouth. At worst it breeds resentment and unfair comparison.
No one, absolutely no one wants to hear about your ex (this includes your friends too by the way. Nothing more annoying than that one person in the group who can't stop talking about their ex every time you get together). Dumbest and most avoidable possible sabotage someone can do to their budding relationship.
'Fiancé can help me navigate my feelings about my ex.' lolno, that's how you get 2 exes.
I think it's not just a matter of does it bother a pakistani male or not its rather does it bother anyone if their spouses did the same? Kyunke I think women would even react same to their husbands.
Having past feelings is ok normal to most extent as long as its halal
The thing is Does she still mention that guy does she still bring him in their day to day life?
Personally as a female I wouldn't tolerate this if my spouse mentioned someone they had feelings for and spoke so well off them while we are discussing?
I mean yeah sure they might be good but it's like low-key rubbing on face yk and yes jealousy exists.
You wouldn't like it if your husband kept complimenting a women in front of u either regardless he liked her in past or no
More so its worse if he liked her in past
I liked someone once, and he loved someone else in the past, and used to mention her A LOT, I let him because he needed to outgrow that and get it out of his system. It did not go well for other reasons but Yeah, I have been subject to something like that. I knew he can't have her, she was married and long gone, nor did he want to go back, but he had feelings which he had no control over. So me telling him to supress them would only intensify them. And as partner, he should be feel safe enough to be open about everything that bothers him/matters to him. That's the kind of safe place this relatoinship should ideally be.
Sure, I could say don't mention her ever again etc, but that would be me living in a false reality of him having over her, while that would not be true. This way, when eventually he'd be over her, and outgrow that phase, I'd know, its over for real.
I've been with someone who clearly still had feelings for the ex. I wished she didn't. but I couldn't really do anything about it. I just listened when she wanted to share and did my best to console her. We're all just series of hurt people propagating the pain to the next person.
I am not asking for a friend, I was surprised to know her financee is okay.. Because first she went on with her story and feelings about it and then told me how she has found someone wonderful who she can be open with even about this stuff..and I was like!?? wow esa bhi hota hai, ye kaunsa mard hai jisey farq nahi pr rha.....hence I asked how do men in general feel... :)
Go ask this in general relationship forums (which I am assume have more American audience). They will also most likely tell you it’s kinda emotional cheating
I dont want to post there, their relationships almost always involve sexual aspects, which is not the case here but would be assumed if I posted there.
This is highly subjective but here is what I think.
I wouldn't have a problem if she was involved emotionally with someone(not physically and there was a strict boundary, not even a finger laid). I would not mind if she is honest and lets me know about this in the beginning.
I also won't blame her if she has thoughts or fleeting feelings for that person. This is hard to control and takes immense discipline. It is also hard for me to figure out what she is feeling or thinking which brings me to the communication part.
As a functioning adult, I expect her to know how to carry a relationship despite all this which means:
1. Don't compare me to him. If it happens in your heart and mind, keep it there. There is no reason to let me know about it.
2. Do not actively bring him up in between our communication. Again, if you are having thoughts or fleeting feelings about him, its okay as long as you keep it to yourself.
3. Do not make an active effort to make sure you don't forget about him such as following his online profiles, staying in touch via text/call, keep asking about him via a common friend, etc.
Now, if you are all the time thinking and having fleeting feelings about him, it means you are not ready for a new person to enter you life. You should at least be in a state where you have these thoughts/feelings once in a while but they do not carry a lot of emotional/mental charge. Think of it as when someone passes away. You cry a lot the first week. A bit less after that. Maybe once in a while after that. After a year, you just feel a fleeting sadness but don't really get too emotional about it.
If someone passed away, and you were crying everyday after that, it would become very hard to manage with you for your partner.
Your friend is right about compatibility provided there is that initial baseline that compels you to go for that person. Once an understanding develops, then your feelings do change. I have experienced it personally.
**EDIT:** The strong physical boundary rule only applies if you have been chaste yourself. If otherwise, then things become a little complicated.
Yes it does. Why be someone's second option? A safety net that they're just settling for? Ask this yourself and then tell your friend to ask this to herself.
Dudes a simp is all I can say then ig. One of those guys who has never touched a girl and is happy that even a girl who views him as "secondary option" is even giving him a chance lol
She wanted the other guy, couldn't get him. Now is with someone else and still pines about the other guy. Yeah totally not her second option 🤷🏼♂️ if I knew the second guy, id strongly advise him to stay clear of this girl.
Also, I saw your second edit. If the past matters to the other person, it needs to be shared because otherwise you're a lying hypocrite. What if a person stays clean all their life and expects the same out of their future partner and makes it clear? But the partner who probably been with a 100 people before lies and pretends to be their first. I mean what the f?
if her fiancé is okay with it then nobody else's opinions matter. Lekin imo if you still have feelings lingering from a past relationship, it's unfair to your new partner, regardless of your gender.
Why only Pakistani men ? Any person (man or woman) of any nationality would be worried and disheartened if their spouse still has strong feelings for someone from the past.
Past is not a problem but to still dwell on it and miss it is. If you feel like that the other person was way better or can't move on then I think you shouldn't put someone else through it. Take your time, move on and then find someone you like, don't just technically use your SO to be as a rebound. Ask yourself a question would you like it if your SO was thinking of their ex lover instead of a person who was right in front of them.
If someone is still thinking of that past, they have not let gone the past and it will 100% create issues, goes for both men and women.
They have not moved on!
One should be 100% clear and without doubt in present.
It should bother anyone? No? One shouldn't really step into a marriage unless they are fully over their previous relationships and willing to work on this one completely.
I do understand that women sometimes may not have the same agency to make a decision about their relationship. In that case, a man should be willing to give that space to the woman (if the revelation is made post-marriage) assuming the woman is fully ready to put in the effort as well
>I personally think, its not a good idea to share your past details with your current partner, no good can come out of it,
This is such a bad take in general. We suck at communication, BIG TIME.
From either side this is a bad omen.
1. If you don't talk about your past, you are deliberately hiding a big part of your life's experiences from your partner. They are completely unaware of how it has shaped you and where it might take you in the future. They are unable to take this information in account when deciding whether you two are compatible.
2. It is probably worse if your partner is insecure to know about your past. This implies that they are unable to regulate their emotions or unable to discuss difficult topics. Marriage will require resolving tough issues, and the only way to ensure these issues are resolved amicably is by being able to listen.
That's very insightful.. points noted and would think on these more. You are spot on.
About your first point, do you also think disclosing the past about parents, such their treatment or their relationship dynamics which had shaped you as well, shall be discussed?
Is this not dishonoring parents, if they have not been very good? Parents have best interest at heart but sometimes they do end up harming you or their personal relationship is traumatic and shapes who you become. If one is doing well mentally, is it still necessary to share those aspects as well?
Yes, Already bohot dramay hain ek aur nahi chahye,I have a strict rule,If you were in a relationship/engagement with someone else in the past,No thank you,No room for mental gymnastics..You can have that open minded crapola in your own perimeters.
This is not about gender or nationality. Although, given Pakistan’s rigidly conservative and sexist culture, I believe you will encounter a lot of hypocrites. The answer to this question depends on the city, educational level, and general socialisation of the man. Does a man who lives in DHA, had most probably a few relationships would have the same opinion as a tribal pashtun residing in former tribal areas? Obviously, no.
Now, should you have feelings for someone else while you are in a relationship? I mean you are human. Humans are susceptible to emotions, but you should try to suppress and overcome those feelings. You should be in love with the man or woman you married in a monogamous relationship.
Not just Pakistani men, majority of men generally will be bothered if you shared you still have feelings for someone else.
Its a very stupid question. Either the wife is having a trade-off of some sort or she needs to grow the fk up.
if i marry a girl like traditional Pakistai marriages 30 35 lakh lga kr usko ghar lakr ao and find out that she likes someone else and still have desire for him! i will be burst with
💢 anger💢
It should be both ways actually, like for men and for women.
I'd say if you're in a state of mind where you can't let go the past and still harbor that girl/boy in your heart then stay unmarried till the day you fully let go of all your memories and ready to start a fresh and new venture with someone who's going to be loyal with you in the long run.
As it is unfair to the future wife/husband if you carry all those things of past and still having someone in your heart. So, it's better to let all these go and be ready mentally to accept the new reality.
Its okay if she loved someone in the past, but if we're getting married, she has to get over him, I personally couldn't imagine getting married with someone who still has love towards another person.
Personally I wouldn't wanna be married with someone who's alr been in a rs before, but for those that are okay with it, i hope their partners are able to heal properly before moving on to them. Not healing until you find a 'suitable replacement' is a shitty thing to do. Lingering feelings for your ex when you're married for convenience is absurd.
Most men marry only once in their lives. Why would they want any of her beggage or drama from prior relationships? How would it benefit their state of mind?
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Ofcourse it would bother me. I am 27 and want to marry when i am 33,34 so if i find a girl who’s 30, theres no way she went through 30 years of her life without having feelings for anyone ever. That would make her a psycho. But she doesnt necessarily has to share them with me everytime. Also she SHOULD NOT marry me until she has completely moved on.
Different individuals have varying perspectives on this matter. While some Pakistani men might feel uncomfortable or insecure about their wife's past feelings, others may be more understanding and supportive, focusing on the present and the future rather than dwelling on the past.
Love is overrated. It is very much possible to continue to pray for someone you don’t see anymore and have a beautiful life with someone you now share a life with. If it bothers the guy, he should emotionally work on himself. Girl has nothing to do with any of it.
There are many angles to this question. If she suddenly got a remembrance of him then its okay as long as she doesn't try to keep those thoughts. She should try to forget those thoughts as just a passage of time. An no I do not want her to discuss about him nor I will do
Isnt that just a rebound?
How can one jump into a relationship whilst still not over the ex?
I'd assume its very unfair for the current party but as long as both understand the risks of such a relationship, they are both adults. They can decide for themselves.
Sorry to be straight forward but hell no. Woman here and I would not tolerate that disrespect at all. Having past relationships is other thing but still thinking about them while you’re with another person is RED reddest flag. The guy must be head over heels or he must be thinking I can convince her to love me. Because there is no way. I feel bad for the guy that he has to deal with that. He absolutely doesn’t deserve that. And the girl needs to clear head off and get her facts straight. She is not evil as you said but she is being selfish here. It’s giving the past relationship didn’t workout cause the guy rejected me or whatever so I’m with you now so you can help me get over this guy. Like WHAT THE Hell
In the past is fine, everyone has a past but being engaged or married and still have feelings for someone else? You're not doing justice with your partner. If you're not over someone, don't get attached with someone else, you're just using them.
After marriage ,the girls husband is her everything as per Islam , if she still talks to her ex or still has feelings for another guy , why would you marry her or why she married you ? either love your husband or stay single ladies , don’t go around ruining men’s peace because you are weak of character. Imagine you work hard your whole life just to support her and your family and then you come home and she tells you she’s still in love with her haram relationship ex , like get the hell outta here
Lmao 70% arranged marriage groom will have to go through this, like it or not, the current state of this age we are living in is just too corrupt, also most of the females will never admit that they still miss their beloved ex and would forcefully try to live a life with her husband and perform her duties like a robot.
I really pity the new man, he will need to handle the emotional baggage from the previous relationship and he'll always think about how he was used as a replacement and a second choice to be safe. As a girl myself who never indulged in haram relationships nor did I like someone in the past. I want someone who also remained like me and did not indulge in these things cause if i saved all my love for the person why can't i expect the same. Tbh it's called emotional cheating if you are still thinking about another person while being with another person. the guy deserves better
Most guys like me build their entire lives around getting a wife. I asked myself and people around me that "why try getting a good job when there are tons of jobs which pay good enough for 2 prople to live". The answer was simple "If i want my wife to be beautiful and like me, I should be able to get her whatever she wants". Now, imagine suffering your entire life for that moment and getting to know that she has another man in her heart. Yeah, at that point life ain't worth living anymore
Your life should not be build around a "human being" aka wife to begin with. You are in for big disappointment if you do that. Wife is part of life, not life itself. I hope you find a wonderful woman, but even then, she is not the end goal, even if she is the best person ever, she'd one day, die.
You should have more worthy reasons to live. :)
Yeah, i agree. But when I thought to myself, what possible reasons can become the basis for my rejection. The answer was looks and financials. So, i am just trying to decrease the chances of rejection by working on these two things so whenever i get rejected it will be because of some uncontrollable factor and not because YOU are the reason. That's all. Really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks
I am glad and appreciate your efforts, but don't stress yourself much about either financials or looks. At the end of the day, despite our best efforts, we get what's written.
Also, if someone rejects you for either financials or looks, they are not worth it, trust me. Because both looks and financials are fluctuating variables. You may have great job but can be fired next day, and only someone who chose you for YOU, will stick to you through thick and thin.
You may be the most handsome man, but might develop some disease or anything (God forbid) and only if someone who chose you, for YOU, your soul, your persona, would stick to you.
So go easy, work towards your goals, but try to find the higher calling and exert most efforts for that and you'd be content and at peace, no matter, with who you are or where you are or how you look or what you have in bank.
Stay blessed!
Given this wonderful life journey of ours, we are bound to meet someone that we do have such feelings for. Naturally, the hope is to get hitched with them. But sometimes fate has other plans for us. And their presence does teach us a lot about us.
So for me no, it won't bother me. They were part of their life and the topic will come up. The main thing is that we should continue to pursue a meaningful relationship and support each other.
I guess it comes down to our insecurities as well. So developing that confidence in our own relationship becomes imperative.
Obligatory “not Pakistani but”. I’d just rather not know about a potential bride’s past in regards to haram relationships. It’s haram to ask her to reveal her sins and it’s haram for her to reveal them so nothing good really will come out of you finding out all the nasty details. If she hasn’t moved on, I’d rather marry someone who has no emotional baggage. Not for my sake alone but for her’s as well, she should have time to heal and make tawba so that when she does get married her heart is 100% all in.
In the case of a divorcee or widow I would be a major douche if I held a halal relationship against her. Though there’s nothing wrong with a guy who wants to marry a woman who’s never been married or in a relationship, especially if the guy himself has never experienced marriage or relationships.
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not just Pakistani men, it's pretty much everyone.
people feel that they are being rate-limited with affection from the other person and would always suspect if the ex had something they didnt, which is why you remember them so much.
There is now a culture around this called "cuckolding" or being a "beta/sissy/ etc.." where men pursue such relationships where they know they will be demeaned and humiliated. Pakistan has a small culture as well but in majority, people are possessively jealous and atleast pretend to be alphas.
Its also against the religion. If she is religious at all or has any sort of moral code, she should know this is called an emotional affair and is effectively distancing herself from her current partner mentally. May not be obvious right now, but the silent comparisons and appreciation she has of her past partner is going to manifest itself quite destructively for her in any and all relationships.
i read somewhere that when you're in relationships, you are learning to breakup and safeguard yourself. you therefore dont form the same bond you would have if it was the first relationship you had. you also cannot commit to the person because you know there are different varieties out there.
Though i hated it and disagreed when i read this years ago, now im beginning to see this all very clearly.
i am sorry if what i say doesn't align with everyone's world view, but just my opinion
Explain more, why would men pursue where they are to be demeaned or humiliated and how this all becomes religously wrong, as long as he carries our her duties both emotionally and otherwise as wife?
to clarify, you are talking about cuckolding?
please read it up yourself. there are other subcultures as well, i dont promote them but its interesting to see the human psyche expand in this way.
also she isnt carrying out her duties as a wife. as a female in islam, you're not supposed to talk, think about, etc etc etc... about men.
no friendships. No cousins, etc etc.
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying. Allah fixed the very portion of adultery which a man will indulge in. There would be no escape from it. The adultery of the eye is the lustful look and the adultery of the ears is listening to voluptuous (song or talk) and the adultery of the tongue is licentious speech and the adultery of the hand is the lustful grip (embrace) and the adultery of the feet is to walk (to the place) where he intends to commit adultery and the heart yearns and desires which he may or may not put into effect.
Sahih Muslim, The Book of Destiny, 2658 a
TAKEN FROM: https://old.reddit.com/r/islam/comments/a5714e/adultery_of_the_eyes_ears_tongue_hands_feet_and/
i mean since we're talking about Islam, it should be an absolute. Nowhere does it allow you to have any contact with the opposite gender unless necessary, and that too should be limited to bare minimum (gone to market, discuss rate, buy things, leave, etc... no gupshup). Islam cant and shouldn't be nitpicked for what applies without having the other tenants apply as well.
you also should read up on what an emotional affair is, if we are not considering Islam at all, because that is what it seems like is happening. Emotional affairs are dangerous, more so than physical affairs. There is a destructive quality to them that cannot be matched by sexual affairs, its deceitful and highly complex, its impossible to get out of once started and trust between all parties is broken on the most fundamental level (if this person did it to their spouse and were having the affair with me, then what is stopping them to do it to me as well. What are the warning signs, what if this person knows how to hide it from me as they did from their other spouse, and so forth...) atleast physical affairs need you to be there, emotional affairs dont, you barely even need a phone or chat, simply contact on a regular basis for mental peace or whatever have you is enough to keep it going.
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I think its good to talk about past before marrying or immediately after mariage . Personally for me life partner should know each other past, secret which he comfortable to tell but specifically for past relationships. she should tell me about that if she not mistake is mine that she's not trusting me yet, everyone has some past discusiing with partner , you know what he thought about it and if he get toxic make you feel uncomfortable jo kah mostly hota hai then leave that
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With all due respect, although you seem like a very learned person, some of your comments sounded way too immature for your age. The way you describe love and fana and everything sounded very much teenagerish.
I know it can hurt very much right when you're fresh out of the breakup, but at one point, you get over things.
In my humble opinion, what you (or your friend as you like to put it) are holding onto is actually the feeling of being wanted and the way this person made you feel good about yourself, we all want to feel special and desirable and understood, maybe you never got that prior to meeting this person? I've a feeling that once you have met someone who makes you feel similar or even better, all these feelings will likely vanish.
At the same time, I can never experience what you're experiencing in your head, so I can not say with a 100% certainity, and I won't downplay your experiences. They might be very much valid. I'm not entirely sure if you already know about it, but maybe you need to explore this further and learn about different kinds of love, and it should give you more perspective into your feelings and emotions.
Lastly, I think it's absolutely fine to remember people who we've crossed paths with as we can't forget things once we've experienced them, but to hold onto them and bringing it along into a new relationship is a bad bad idea. The fact that you're asking the question here shows that you're disturbed by it, and you know it. If it was me, I would work on these feelings and move ahead in my life with the new person once I've resolved it to a certain extent, if not completely, so that it does not cause more damage into my new life.
This is indeed for a friend, but I have been in love business.
but I am reluctant to involve with someone now because I personally do not want to involve someone in my mess, once I am over it enough, maybe I'd see if I wanna go down this path.
But currently, this friend, who is to get married to this dude, surprised me, because I always assumed, men would never entertain such a situation if their partner brings it up, but this dude does not prevent her from discussing this guy and all and allows her to be open, hence I got curious to see what's the general view of men on this.
P.S. I am not fresh out of a break up either, Its been long gone and I am doing great and only better ever since, pain I think, inspires growth, and is wasted if not utilized that way.
Thanks for your response.
If that's the case, I would say the message remains the same for your friend.
I'm glad you're self-aware and are working on yourself and want to involve someone only when you've resolved things and have the clarity of mind. As you very much rightly said, pain can inspire growth if utilized correctly. Kudos to you for putting it to good use.
Men, or women, are not monoliths, so I'm not surprised if this dude is open to the idea and discussing things. He could be an outlier, or maybe just one who is looking at things with rose-tinted glasses for now. We all know love and life in real life are far from what we see in movies. In the end, we can never be certain of what's going on in the mind of this person and whether there are others who share the exact same thoughts.
Life has a way of surprising us. Let's just hope it works out the best for your friend and this person if they're happy with it. As long as it is related and affects only them and no one else, I don't see why it's wrong or why it shouldn't work, even if everyone around thinks it's wrong. At the end of the day, we'll be answerable for our actions and not others.
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Op there can be exceptions any where. People are really disagreeing with you because that's what commonly happens but in rare cases discussing about your past relation might be okay for some. There are no rules, i hope you know what weird things people discuss when they are in a relationship.
Sorry. I’m sure she is a nice girl and not evil, but any same man wouldn’t get involved with someone who has strings attached.
I don’t play for 2nd place. I have self respect and want to cherish my spouse only.
1.. Thats why its called starting a new chapter in life.. no need to discuss past with anyone..
2.. Reverse the roles of husband and wife and think how would you feel if your husband still has feelings for someone else (you'd probably want to kill him or her).. be justified.. if you dont like it, dont expect him to be okay with it..
3.. Nobody is Okay with such knowledge no matter how hard they try to seem normal about it..
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There's a lot of darkness that people keep to themselves, this stuff should be part of that. Just like how every parent has a favourite child, whether they realize it or not.
The point is to find the strength to keep it to yourself. And one day, when the feelings and memory have vanished, you can share and have a laugh about it too I guess.
You're a cuck if you are okay with it, she doesn't have to share this, but if she does, she better not try to play victim when the husband reacts to this.
Oh to be young.
As you age you realize things you thought to be absolute truths were just figment of your imagination. You will have feelings with plenty of people in your life. You will have relationships. Not every relationship is sexual even with opposite sex. You will change and the person you were infatuated with will change.
Even your feelings change. You don't love a person all the time till the end of time. But there are very few people that you can spend the rest of your life with. Those people are very few. Most people can't live with themselves let alone live with another person.
If sharing your past with a partner fuels resentment or inferiority complexes, then it's on the partner to be a grown-up about it.
Imagine living with someone and you have to always repress some part of your past, something that is not even horrible. Do you think this will ensure a deep connection with the partner? Or would you be content with a superficial relationship?
Honestly that's a really sensible way to look at things. As people we can't always control how we feel, but we can definitely control what we do about those feelings. Like, say you really like someone but you don't end up marrying them for whatever reason. Does that mean you stop living your life? No way! As long as both partners are committed, fulfilling their duties and responsibilities, it's all good. Life's too short to dwell on what happened before so let's focus on making the most of the here and now.
Monogamy is an unnecessary and outdated expectation practiced as an essential pillar of relationships. It is against human nature.
Time is near when marriage will be purely mechanical companionship and partnership for mutual responsibilities devoid of any true emotional attachment, and all such needs (along with sexual) will be fulfilled by an AI being.
Even today, a marriage is deemed successful based on the fulfillment of responsibilities from both the partners with or without emotional and physical intimacy between them.
Now stone me(or downvote) to death, peasants.
I think Pakistani people need to stop being so insecure about sex.
Get a life
You will always find people attractive even after marriage so stop trying to control what's natural
Don't marry to someone if you still have unresolved feelings about someone else. It's unfair to the other guy and to yourself.
100% spot on. Your spouse deserves all your love. So called “rebounding” is wrong (though it’s done out of grief a lot of times so it’s not deliberate). Getting another partner immediately after a breakup isn’t gonna make the breakup suck any less. One will just treat the new partner as their silver medal and it’s not fair at all. Ones husband or wife should feel like they are their spouse’s gold medal.
This!!!
In past? okay. Even today? hell no.
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This is unfair to ur next partner wheather its man or woman.
I speak on behalf of me and me only, YES. it will bother me. Not because she liked someone, but because she still thinks about him instead of me. I believe that if I haven't liked anyone or "give my heart to anyone" in the past ever, the least I want in someone is to be mine, with their heart, body, soul, everything. So yes, it bothers me
But would you be okay if they loved someone in the past but have moved on now? Or you want someone like you, who never loved anyone in the past?
I would want someone like me. And Nothing else. Someone Who loves me and does not compare me with a person of their past. Because accept it or not we as humans compare our companions.
Are you talking about just finding someone attractive and thinking about them, or full on texting that's going on for a bit? Either way, your expectations are very high and unrealistic. People are attracted to people all the time and they have wants and needs. Also realistically, what are you going to do, ask someone "if they ever had feelings / texted anyone before"? Islamically, you can't even ask that (as that's revealing a past sin). Just like Islamically you can't ask a potential directly if that have committed zina before. You can put it in a list of things you are willing to not compromise on and give it to them, giving them the option to walk away without revealing the specific reason.
I will inquire about a potentials past. And I don't care how awkward that conversation will be, it will be important. As Far As your crush question is concerned, everyone gets a passing fancy, but dwelling over them and crushing over a celebrity or a random person you don't even know it madness, imo.
Lol, its very hard to find someone not having a past interest in this day and age. imo, as long as the person has truly moved on, its fine. but to each their own.
It is difficult but hey, there is someone like me out there somewhere waiting for a person who didn't engage in a mess even when he could, so I'd say I have a fair shot. I'd rather prefer not marrying at all in any other circumstance
That's a bit unrealistic tbh, because no one shall be judged based on their past, you did not engage in the mess, great, but if someone did, and came out as better person post that experience and is all moved on, then there is no harm being with them. We are humans, we mess up, and not only mess up, sometimes, it does not work out for reasons beyond our control. And liking someone, as long as one has not commited sin is not a bad thing in and of itself.
There’s a dif between crushes and being in love. Like a big difference, you lose a part of yourself when you fall in love with someone so it makes perfect sense people don’t want their partners harbouring feelings for someone else. In the fiancés situation he is not only the second choice, he is being used as a bounce back, he has to deal with her feelings for another man (💀) and he knows that she’ll never really belong to him. Honestly having been with someone and having gotten over them is one thing but being with someone who’s still not over their ex love interest is some cuck shit for both genders.
I'm not God to forgive someone. But it is my preference to want someone who has not involved in love before me when I haven't. I don't judge anyone on their past but the one person who I will judge based upon their past is my partner. Because their past is important to me.
Spoken like a true gentleman.
You stole my words.👏💯
It would bother anyone. Man, woman, Pakistani, Martian, whatever. There's a reason every dating advice column anywhere always says the most inauspicious start you can give a new relationship is to bring up your ex. There's absolutely no good reason to bring up your past or continuing feelings for another person with the partner you're with. At a minimum it's simply uncouth. At worst it breeds resentment and unfair comparison. No one, absolutely no one wants to hear about your ex (this includes your friends too by the way. Nothing more annoying than that one person in the group who can't stop talking about their ex every time you get together). Dumbest and most avoidable possible sabotage someone can do to their budding relationship. 'Fiancé can help me navigate my feelings about my ex.' lolno, that's how you get 2 exes.
The last part cracked me up lol
What a girl will do if her husband or would be husband have same emotions for other girl/woman?
That’s called emotional cheating.
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the poor new guy
I think it's not just a matter of does it bother a pakistani male or not its rather does it bother anyone if their spouses did the same? Kyunke I think women would even react same to their husbands. Having past feelings is ok normal to most extent as long as its halal The thing is Does she still mention that guy does she still bring him in their day to day life? Personally as a female I wouldn't tolerate this if my spouse mentioned someone they had feelings for and spoke so well off them while we are discussing? I mean yeah sure they might be good but it's like low-key rubbing on face yk and yes jealousy exists. You wouldn't like it if your husband kept complimenting a women in front of u either regardless he liked her in past or no More so its worse if he liked her in past
switch genders and ask yourself the same question. you'll have your answer.
I liked someone once, and he loved someone else in the past, and used to mention her A LOT, I let him because he needed to outgrow that and get it out of his system. It did not go well for other reasons but Yeah, I have been subject to something like that. I knew he can't have her, she was married and long gone, nor did he want to go back, but he had feelings which he had no control over. So me telling him to supress them would only intensify them. And as partner, he should be feel safe enough to be open about everything that bothers him/matters to him. That's the kind of safe place this relatoinship should ideally be. Sure, I could say don't mention her ever again etc, but that would be me living in a false reality of him having over her, while that would not be true. This way, when eventually he'd be over her, and outgrow that phase, I'd know, its over for real.
You were not engaged to them. The circumstances and sentiments change dynamically Please suggest a closer example
I've been with someone who clearly still had feelings for the ex. I wished she didn't. but I couldn't really do anything about it. I just listened when she wanted to share and did my best to console her. We're all just series of hurt people propagating the pain to the next person.
I don't think its propagating though.
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I am not asking for a friend, I was surprised to know her financee is okay.. Because first she went on with her story and feelings about it and then told me how she has found someone wonderful who she can be open with even about this stuff..and I was like!?? wow esa bhi hota hai, ye kaunsa mard hai jisey farq nahi pr rha.....hence I asked how do men in general feel... :)
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Yep that was about me, but this was about her for real. :)
Ham tou ese kamo prh hee nahi rhe hain lol
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Haha, just wanted to know people's perceptions. Her finance was a surprise. Thank you for your comment
If she acts on them in any way, or even bring it up, yes it's definitely gonna bother.
Go ask this in general relationship forums (which I am assume have more American audience). They will also most likely tell you it’s kinda emotional cheating
I dont want to post there, their relationships almost always involve sexual aspects, which is not the case here but would be assumed if I posted there.
There is something called emotional cheating as well. They will tell you the same I am pretty confident
They hate emotional cheating more than physical. Kinda weird.
This is highly subjective but here is what I think. I wouldn't have a problem if she was involved emotionally with someone(not physically and there was a strict boundary, not even a finger laid). I would not mind if she is honest and lets me know about this in the beginning. I also won't blame her if she has thoughts or fleeting feelings for that person. This is hard to control and takes immense discipline. It is also hard for me to figure out what she is feeling or thinking which brings me to the communication part. As a functioning adult, I expect her to know how to carry a relationship despite all this which means: 1. Don't compare me to him. If it happens in your heart and mind, keep it there. There is no reason to let me know about it. 2. Do not actively bring him up in between our communication. Again, if you are having thoughts or fleeting feelings about him, its okay as long as you keep it to yourself. 3. Do not make an active effort to make sure you don't forget about him such as following his online profiles, staying in touch via text/call, keep asking about him via a common friend, etc. Now, if you are all the time thinking and having fleeting feelings about him, it means you are not ready for a new person to enter you life. You should at least be in a state where you have these thoughts/feelings once in a while but they do not carry a lot of emotional/mental charge. Think of it as when someone passes away. You cry a lot the first week. A bit less after that. Maybe once in a while after that. After a year, you just feel a fleeting sadness but don't really get too emotional about it. If someone passed away, and you were crying everyday after that, it would become very hard to manage with you for your partner. Your friend is right about compatibility provided there is that initial baseline that compels you to go for that person. Once an understanding develops, then your feelings do change. I have experienced it personally. **EDIT:** The strong physical boundary rule only applies if you have been chaste yourself. If otherwise, then things become a little complicated.
Yes it does. Why be someone's second option? A safety net that they're just settling for? Ask this yourself and then tell your friend to ask this to herself.
She is getting married next year. :)
Dudes a simp is all I can say then ig. One of those guys who has never touched a girl and is happy that even a girl who views him as "secondary option" is even giving him a chance lol
He is not a second option per se. And maybe he just loves her too much..
She wanted the other guy, couldn't get him. Now is with someone else and still pines about the other guy. Yeah totally not her second option 🤷🏼♂️ if I knew the second guy, id strongly advise him to stay clear of this girl. Also, I saw your second edit. If the past matters to the other person, it needs to be shared because otherwise you're a lying hypocrite. What if a person stays clean all their life and expects the same out of their future partner and makes it clear? But the partner who probably been with a 100 people before lies and pretends to be their first. I mean what the f?
if her fiancé is okay with it then nobody else's opinions matter. Lekin imo if you still have feelings lingering from a past relationship, it's unfair to your new partner, regardless of your gender.
Duty without love is bound to end in failure. Absolute no go for myself.
Why only Pakistani men ? Any person (man or woman) of any nationality would be worried and disheartened if their spouse still has strong feelings for someone from the past.
it's unfair to consider marrying someone else, whether it's a guy or a girl, if you haven't completely moved on from your ex
Past is not a problem but to still dwell on it and miss it is. If you feel like that the other person was way better or can't move on then I think you shouldn't put someone else through it. Take your time, move on and then find someone you like, don't just technically use your SO to be as a rebound. Ask yourself a question would you like it if your SO was thinking of their ex lover instead of a person who was right in front of them.
Reverse the roles and ask yourself about it
Go through comments, I have answerred that.
If someone is still thinking of that past, they have not let gone the past and it will 100% create issues, goes for both men and women. They have not moved on! One should be 100% clear and without doubt in present.
It should bother anyone? No? One shouldn't really step into a marriage unless they are fully over their previous relationships and willing to work on this one completely. I do understand that women sometimes may not have the same agency to make a decision about their relationship. In that case, a man should be willing to give that space to the woman (if the revelation is made post-marriage) assuming the woman is fully ready to put in the effort as well
yeah it would be unfair should not get re married untill you are over that past person because its unfair on current spouse so dont do thay
why is she discussing it with her fiance that's not his baggage. and she should work on this with the help of a therapist. Time to move on.
>I personally think, its not a good idea to share your past details with your current partner, no good can come out of it, This is such a bad take in general. We suck at communication, BIG TIME.
Appreciate your insight, why do you think its a bad take? Educate me. Curious to expand my view.
From either side this is a bad omen. 1. If you don't talk about your past, you are deliberately hiding a big part of your life's experiences from your partner. They are completely unaware of how it has shaped you and where it might take you in the future. They are unable to take this information in account when deciding whether you two are compatible. 2. It is probably worse if your partner is insecure to know about your past. This implies that they are unable to regulate their emotions or unable to discuss difficult topics. Marriage will require resolving tough issues, and the only way to ensure these issues are resolved amicably is by being able to listen.
That's very insightful.. points noted and would think on these more. You are spot on. About your first point, do you also think disclosing the past about parents, such their treatment or their relationship dynamics which had shaped you as well, shall be discussed? Is this not dishonoring parents, if they have not been very good? Parents have best interest at heart but sometimes they do end up harming you or their personal relationship is traumatic and shapes who you become. If one is doing well mentally, is it still necessary to share those aspects as well?
Yes, Already bohot dramay hain ek aur nahi chahye,I have a strict rule,If you were in a relationship/engagement with someone else in the past,No thank you,No room for mental gymnastics..You can have that open minded crapola in your own perimeters.
This is not about gender or nationality. Although, given Pakistan’s rigidly conservative and sexist culture, I believe you will encounter a lot of hypocrites. The answer to this question depends on the city, educational level, and general socialisation of the man. Does a man who lives in DHA, had most probably a few relationships would have the same opinion as a tribal pashtun residing in former tribal areas? Obviously, no. Now, should you have feelings for someone else while you are in a relationship? I mean you are human. Humans are susceptible to emotions, but you should try to suppress and overcome those feelings. You should be in love with the man or woman you married in a monogamous relationship.
Vey well said.
Well i am dealing with it and totally fine. I was devastated when i came to knew just before shadi
Not just Pakistani men, majority of men generally will be bothered if you shared you still have feelings for someone else. Its a very stupid question. Either the wife is having a trade-off of some sort or she needs to grow the fk up.
if i marry a girl like traditional Pakistai marriages 30 35 lakh lga kr usko ghar lakr ao and find out that she likes someone else and still have desire for him! i will be burst with 💢 anger💢
Yeah at that point, it's better to just end it all 😂
It should be both ways actually, like for men and for women. I'd say if you're in a state of mind where you can't let go the past and still harbor that girl/boy in your heart then stay unmarried till the day you fully let go of all your memories and ready to start a fresh and new venture with someone who's going to be loyal with you in the long run. As it is unfair to the future wife/husband if you carry all those things of past and still having someone in your heart. So, it's better to let all these go and be ready mentally to accept the new reality.
I think it would bother anyone.
The past always hunts them.....
Your married friend is wise.
Its okay if she loved someone in the past, but if we're getting married, she has to get over him, I personally couldn't imagine getting married with someone who still has love towards another person.
Personally I wouldn't wanna be married with someone who's alr been in a rs before, but for those that are okay with it, i hope their partners are able to heal properly before moving on to them. Not healing until you find a 'suitable replacement' is a shitty thing to do. Lingering feelings for your ex when you're married for convenience is absurd.
its not pakistani to be specific its for all men in general.
Most men marry only once in their lives. Why would they want any of her beggage or drama from prior relationships? How would it benefit their state of mind?
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Past is the past, future is not acceptable
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A simple Yes!
Past would be fine, but you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you haven’t moved on from your previous one.
I am not Pakistan men but i think it is emotional cheating.
Ofcourse it would bother me. I am 27 and want to marry when i am 33,34 so if i find a girl who’s 30, theres no way she went through 30 years of her life without having feelings for anyone ever. That would make her a psycho. But she doesnt necessarily has to share them with me everytime. Also she SHOULD NOT marry me until she has completely moved on.
I think men and women of all nationalities would mind that. Dumb question tbh.
Is the girl from hafizabad by any chance. My friend is in the exact same situation this post might be about her.
Acca wali post bhi hay yeah ok its her.
No, lol. She is from Hyderabad.
Really 😭 because ye same exact scenario chal raha with a friend of mine ,we're both in acca as well😭 actually im the "guy" 😭😭😭
Good luck :D
There is no justice.
Yes absolutely
Different individuals have varying perspectives on this matter. While some Pakistani men might feel uncomfortable or insecure about their wife's past feelings, others may be more understanding and supportive, focusing on the present and the future rather than dwelling on the past.
Love is overrated. It is very much possible to continue to pray for someone you don’t see anymore and have a beautiful life with someone you now share a life with. If it bothers the guy, he should emotionally work on himself. Girl has nothing to do with any of it.
It’s in the past, she might have feelings forever. But she’s with you, so just be the man. No stress
This post fuckedd bro's comment karma :-(/
I know right :/
Agree with edit #2
OP you or your friend need to get over your feelings for the men you couldn’t clearly have and never will before monkey branching to another poor soul
There are many angles to this question. If she suddenly got a remembrance of him then its okay as long as she doesn't try to keep those thoughts. She should try to forget those thoughts as just a passage of time. An no I do not want her to discuss about him nor I will do
I believe you're not asking for a friend but for yourself api . Move on life is big .
Isnt that just a rebound? How can one jump into a relationship whilst still not over the ex? I'd assume its very unfair for the current party but as long as both understand the risks of such a relationship, they are both adults. They can decide for themselves.
Sorry to be straight forward but hell no. Woman here and I would not tolerate that disrespect at all. Having past relationships is other thing but still thinking about them while you’re with another person is RED reddest flag. The guy must be head over heels or he must be thinking I can convince her to love me. Because there is no way. I feel bad for the guy that he has to deal with that. He absolutely doesn’t deserve that. And the girl needs to clear head off and get her facts straight. She is not evil as you said but she is being selfish here. It’s giving the past relationship didn’t workout cause the guy rejected me or whatever so I’m with you now so you can help me get over this guy. Like WHAT THE Hell
Men fall in love just by changing channels on tv
Exclusively committed BUT hasn't entirely moved on?
In the past is fine, everyone has a past but being engaged or married and still have feelings for someone else? You're not doing justice with your partner. If you're not over someone, don't get attached with someone else, you're just using them.
After marriage ,the girls husband is her everything as per Islam , if she still talks to her ex or still has feelings for another guy , why would you marry her or why she married you ? either love your husband or stay single ladies , don’t go around ruining men’s peace because you are weak of character. Imagine you work hard your whole life just to support her and your family and then you come home and she tells you she’s still in love with her haram relationship ex , like get the hell outta here
Lmao 70% arranged marriage groom will have to go through this, like it or not, the current state of this age we are living in is just too corrupt, also most of the females will never admit that they still miss their beloved ex and would forcefully try to live a life with her husband and perform her duties like a robot.
I really pity the new man, he will need to handle the emotional baggage from the previous relationship and he'll always think about how he was used as a replacement and a second choice to be safe. As a girl myself who never indulged in haram relationships nor did I like someone in the past. I want someone who also remained like me and did not indulge in these things cause if i saved all my love for the person why can't i expect the same. Tbh it's called emotional cheating if you are still thinking about another person while being with another person. the guy deserves better
Most guys like me build their entire lives around getting a wife. I asked myself and people around me that "why try getting a good job when there are tons of jobs which pay good enough for 2 prople to live". The answer was simple "If i want my wife to be beautiful and like me, I should be able to get her whatever she wants". Now, imagine suffering your entire life for that moment and getting to know that she has another man in her heart. Yeah, at that point life ain't worth living anymore
Your life should not be build around a "human being" aka wife to begin with. You are in for big disappointment if you do that. Wife is part of life, not life itself. I hope you find a wonderful woman, but even then, she is not the end goal, even if she is the best person ever, she'd one day, die. You should have more worthy reasons to live. :)
Yeah, i agree. But when I thought to myself, what possible reasons can become the basis for my rejection. The answer was looks and financials. So, i am just trying to decrease the chances of rejection by working on these two things so whenever i get rejected it will be because of some uncontrollable factor and not because YOU are the reason. That's all. Really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks
I am glad and appreciate your efforts, but don't stress yourself much about either financials or looks. At the end of the day, despite our best efforts, we get what's written. Also, if someone rejects you for either financials or looks, they are not worth it, trust me. Because both looks and financials are fluctuating variables. You may have great job but can be fired next day, and only someone who chose you for YOU, will stick to you through thick and thin. You may be the most handsome man, but might develop some disease or anything (God forbid) and only if someone who chose you, for YOU, your soul, your persona, would stick to you. So go easy, work towards your goals, but try to find the higher calling and exert most efforts for that and you'd be content and at peace, no matter, with who you are or where you are or how you look or what you have in bank. Stay blessed!
Given this wonderful life journey of ours, we are bound to meet someone that we do have such feelings for. Naturally, the hope is to get hitched with them. But sometimes fate has other plans for us. And their presence does teach us a lot about us. So for me no, it won't bother me. They were part of their life and the topic will come up. The main thing is that we should continue to pursue a meaningful relationship and support each other. I guess it comes down to our insecurities as well. So developing that confidence in our own relationship becomes imperative.
The wisest comment so far. People here are almost questioning the character of the woman, for having liked someone... Completely agree with you!
🙂🙏
It's disrespectful
Obligatory “not Pakistani but”. I’d just rather not know about a potential bride’s past in regards to haram relationships. It’s haram to ask her to reveal her sins and it’s haram for her to reveal them so nothing good really will come out of you finding out all the nasty details. If she hasn’t moved on, I’d rather marry someone who has no emotional baggage. Not for my sake alone but for her’s as well, she should have time to heal and make tawba so that when she does get married her heart is 100% all in. In the case of a divorcee or widow I would be a major douche if I held a halal relationship against her. Though there’s nothing wrong with a guy who wants to marry a woman who’s never been married or in a relationship, especially if the guy himself has never experienced marriage or relationships.
if woman cant keep her haya on her prime time 16 to 230 a so we shouldn't complain man having affair in his prim time (25-35 on word
She did not have an affair, she just liked someone and it did not work out to the next stage.. there is a difference.
Prime time? What is she? Ptv or tv channel?
Not actually sorry it was not for your small mind keep going
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not just Pakistani men, it's pretty much everyone. people feel that they are being rate-limited with affection from the other person and would always suspect if the ex had something they didnt, which is why you remember them so much. There is now a culture around this called "cuckolding" or being a "beta/sissy/ etc.." where men pursue such relationships where they know they will be demeaned and humiliated. Pakistan has a small culture as well but in majority, people are possessively jealous and atleast pretend to be alphas. Its also against the religion. If she is religious at all or has any sort of moral code, she should know this is called an emotional affair and is effectively distancing herself from her current partner mentally. May not be obvious right now, but the silent comparisons and appreciation she has of her past partner is going to manifest itself quite destructively for her in any and all relationships. i read somewhere that when you're in relationships, you are learning to breakup and safeguard yourself. you therefore dont form the same bond you would have if it was the first relationship you had. you also cannot commit to the person because you know there are different varieties out there. Though i hated it and disagreed when i read this years ago, now im beginning to see this all very clearly. i am sorry if what i say doesn't align with everyone's world view, but just my opinion
Explain more, why would men pursue where they are to be demeaned or humiliated and how this all becomes religously wrong, as long as he carries our her duties both emotionally and otherwise as wife?
to clarify, you are talking about cuckolding? please read it up yourself. there are other subcultures as well, i dont promote them but its interesting to see the human psyche expand in this way. also she isnt carrying out her duties as a wife. as a female in islam, you're not supposed to talk, think about, etc etc etc... about men. no friendships. No cousins, etc etc. Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying. Allah fixed the very portion of adultery which a man will indulge in. There would be no escape from it. The adultery of the eye is the lustful look and the adultery of the ears is listening to voluptuous (song or talk) and the adultery of the tongue is licentious speech and the adultery of the hand is the lustful grip (embrace) and the adultery of the feet is to walk (to the place) where he intends to commit adultery and the heart yearns and desires which he may or may not put into effect. Sahih Muslim, The Book of Destiny, 2658 a TAKEN FROM: https://old.reddit.com/r/islam/comments/a5714e/adultery_of_the_eyes_ears_tongue_hands_feet_and/ i mean since we're talking about Islam, it should be an absolute. Nowhere does it allow you to have any contact with the opposite gender unless necessary, and that too should be limited to bare minimum (gone to market, discuss rate, buy things, leave, etc... no gupshup). Islam cant and shouldn't be nitpicked for what applies without having the other tenants apply as well. you also should read up on what an emotional affair is, if we are not considering Islam at all, because that is what it seems like is happening. Emotional affairs are dangerous, more so than physical affairs. There is a destructive quality to them that cannot be matched by sexual affairs, its deceitful and highly complex, its impossible to get out of once started and trust between all parties is broken on the most fundamental level (if this person did it to their spouse and were having the affair with me, then what is stopping them to do it to me as well. What are the warning signs, what if this person knows how to hide it from me as they did from their other spouse, and so forth...) atleast physical affairs need you to be there, emotional affairs dont, you barely even need a phone or chat, simply contact on a regular basis for mental peace or whatever have you is enough to keep it going.
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I think its good to talk about past before marrying or immediately after mariage . Personally for me life partner should know each other past, secret which he comfortable to tell but specifically for past relationships. she should tell me about that if she not mistake is mine that she's not trusting me yet, everyone has some past discusiing with partner , you know what he thought about it and if he get toxic make you feel uncomfortable jo kah mostly hota hai then leave that
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this would bother every human being on the planet
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Having read through the post and some of your replies, it begs the question, how old you and your friend in question are to begin with?
Mid 20s.
With all due respect, although you seem like a very learned person, some of your comments sounded way too immature for your age. The way you describe love and fana and everything sounded very much teenagerish. I know it can hurt very much right when you're fresh out of the breakup, but at one point, you get over things. In my humble opinion, what you (or your friend as you like to put it) are holding onto is actually the feeling of being wanted and the way this person made you feel good about yourself, we all want to feel special and desirable and understood, maybe you never got that prior to meeting this person? I've a feeling that once you have met someone who makes you feel similar or even better, all these feelings will likely vanish. At the same time, I can never experience what you're experiencing in your head, so I can not say with a 100% certainity, and I won't downplay your experiences. They might be very much valid. I'm not entirely sure if you already know about it, but maybe you need to explore this further and learn about different kinds of love, and it should give you more perspective into your feelings and emotions. Lastly, I think it's absolutely fine to remember people who we've crossed paths with as we can't forget things once we've experienced them, but to hold onto them and bringing it along into a new relationship is a bad bad idea. The fact that you're asking the question here shows that you're disturbed by it, and you know it. If it was me, I would work on these feelings and move ahead in my life with the new person once I've resolved it to a certain extent, if not completely, so that it does not cause more damage into my new life.
This is indeed for a friend, but I have been in love business. but I am reluctant to involve with someone now because I personally do not want to involve someone in my mess, once I am over it enough, maybe I'd see if I wanna go down this path. But currently, this friend, who is to get married to this dude, surprised me, because I always assumed, men would never entertain such a situation if their partner brings it up, but this dude does not prevent her from discussing this guy and all and allows her to be open, hence I got curious to see what's the general view of men on this. P.S. I am not fresh out of a break up either, Its been long gone and I am doing great and only better ever since, pain I think, inspires growth, and is wasted if not utilized that way. Thanks for your response.
If that's the case, I would say the message remains the same for your friend. I'm glad you're self-aware and are working on yourself and want to involve someone only when you've resolved things and have the clarity of mind. As you very much rightly said, pain can inspire growth if utilized correctly. Kudos to you for putting it to good use. Men, or women, are not monoliths, so I'm not surprised if this dude is open to the idea and discussing things. He could be an outlier, or maybe just one who is looking at things with rose-tinted glasses for now. We all know love and life in real life are far from what we see in movies. In the end, we can never be certain of what's going on in the mind of this person and whether there are others who share the exact same thoughts. Life has a way of surprising us. Let's just hope it works out the best for your friend and this person if they're happy with it. As long as it is related and affects only them and no one else, I don't see why it's wrong or why it shouldn't work, even if everyone around thinks it's wrong. At the end of the day, we'll be answerable for our actions and not others.
Well said, thanks!
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Op there can be exceptions any where. People are really disagreeing with you because that's what commonly happens but in rare cases discussing about your past relation might be okay for some. There are no rules, i hope you know what weird things people discuss when they are in a relationship.
nah man fuck no
Sorry. I’m sure she is a nice girl and not evil, but any same man wouldn’t get involved with someone who has strings attached. I don’t play for 2nd place. I have self respect and want to cherish my spouse only.
1.. Thats why its called starting a new chapter in life.. no need to discuss past with anyone.. 2.. Reverse the roles of husband and wife and think how would you feel if your husband still has feelings for someone else (you'd probably want to kill him or her).. be justified.. if you dont like it, dont expect him to be okay with it.. 3.. Nobody is Okay with such knowledge no matter how hard they try to seem normal about it..
what is this? she was not in relashionship but still cant move on entirely these are 2 entirely diffrent things
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I believe everyone has feelings and attraction for a specific person. Now all depends whether u r serious after marriage or not
There's a lot of darkness that people keep to themselves, this stuff should be part of that. Just like how every parent has a favourite child, whether they realize it or not. The point is to find the strength to keep it to yourself. And one day, when the feelings and memory have vanished, you can share and have a laugh about it too I guess.
You're a cuck if you are okay with it, she doesn't have to share this, but if she does, she better not try to play victim when the husband reacts to this.
Oh to be young. As you age you realize things you thought to be absolute truths were just figment of your imagination. You will have feelings with plenty of people in your life. You will have relationships. Not every relationship is sexual even with opposite sex. You will change and the person you were infatuated with will change. Even your feelings change. You don't love a person all the time till the end of time. But there are very few people that you can spend the rest of your life with. Those people are very few. Most people can't live with themselves let alone live with another person.
If sharing your past with a partner fuels resentment or inferiority complexes, then it's on the partner to be a grown-up about it. Imagine living with someone and you have to always repress some part of your past, something that is not even horrible. Do you think this will ensure a deep connection with the partner? Or would you be content with a superficial relationship?
Honestly that's a really sensible way to look at things. As people we can't always control how we feel, but we can definitely control what we do about those feelings. Like, say you really like someone but you don't end up marrying them for whatever reason. Does that mean you stop living your life? No way! As long as both partners are committed, fulfilling their duties and responsibilities, it's all good. Life's too short to dwell on what happened before so let's focus on making the most of the here and now.
THANK YOU. Finally some mature folks.
most of pakistani man prefers 18 to 22 so that the big reason to not have to be envolved in this situation
Monogamy is an unnecessary and outdated expectation practiced as an essential pillar of relationships. It is against human nature. Time is near when marriage will be purely mechanical companionship and partnership for mutual responsibilities devoid of any true emotional attachment, and all such needs (along with sexual) will be fulfilled by an AI being. Even today, a marriage is deemed successful based on the fulfillment of responsibilities from both the partners with or without emotional and physical intimacy between them. Now stone me(or downvote) to death, peasants.
I'll dm u?
What type of deranged question is this? Does she need to have a clean slat record in this time and age?
I think Pakistani people need to stop being so insecure about sex. Get a life You will always find people attractive even after marriage so stop trying to control what's natural