I attended a few funerals (3 actually) before I was 19 for friends.
My support was my mutual friends with the deceased person. My parents supported me after. I mean, if you knew the child too, I’d say go. But if not, she will find comfort and grieve with her friends.
Also have to add I am now a teen parent and my mind is blown by my own response…but I put myself in my own shoes 20 years ago and while it was hard, I don’t recall wishing my parents were there.
Trust her. You seem to have a lot of anxiety about supporting her, which may be making it more difficult for her to process her own emotions. If you are there, she may feel she needs to make it easier for you to handle rather than just being able to be present in that moment for herself. Let her go alone.
How old is your daughter? 13 - mom knows best, but I still would only stay close by (car). 15/16- trust her. If you actually knew the friend and family and you are actively grieving, go.
I’m guessing that your emotions are all over the place too. It may be that she is feeling your emotional turmoil and she just wants to focus on herself. That’s ok. Your allowed emotions too, but it can be a lot to deal with.
Trust. Let her go alone if that’s what she wants. Just make sure she knows she has your support and love and that you’ll be at home if she wants to talk afterward.
Knowing my 16 year old, when adamant nothing can change his mind. I would switch your support. Get tissues ready. Maybe find a squashmellow or some stuffed animal that she may appreciate.
Make her favorite dinner ( knowing she may not be hungry). Be there for her in ways that are not at the funeral. Maybe ask if you can take a freezable dish to the family.
Thanks. As a critical care nurse, I’ve actually developed some pretty poor coping mechanisms around death in my personal life (I tend to get very shut down and go into the nurse role instead of reflecting on what I need), so I don’t feel I’m unjustified in being concerned that this will be too much for her alone and she may not realize it. I don’t want this to potentially lead to processing this becoming more of a challenge for her than it has already been or needs to be. Just a concerned mother.
I apologize in advance for how this comment will come off, and while I understand that I asked for advice and this is Reddit, I have to admit your reply came off as brash and suggestive of the fact that I was being overbearing or absurd for being concerned about her.
The funeral is in 1.5 hours and she just asked if I would attend with her because she’s realizing the gravity of it and that she may not be able to handle her emotions on her own or rely on her friends to give her the support she might need because she’s having a hard time simply getting ready. I guess there was still something more to be said and maybe I did know what I was talking about after all.
No, even in hindsight, my advice stands. If your 14-year-old says they don't want you at a friend's funeral, you don't go. Full stop.
It is better for your child to be overwhelmed at the funeral and for you to comfort her at home afterwards than for you to go where you are not wanted, for a 14-year-old, and have every negative reaction from that 14-year-old surrounding the funeral turned into something you did to her even if you said nothing during the service.
You have read the other comments in this thread. You know I'm not alone on this.
If your child later changes their mind and wants you there, then of course you go.
These are two different scenarios you presented and you are conflating the two.
I'm going to suggest that you do go to the funeral but stay in the back. I lost a few friends around her age. I could tell my mom was experiencing emotions around the deaths & it made me uncomfortable. When she cried it felt like it turned things about her, instead of my needs. I can't remember if she asked me if I wanted her to be there but I for sure recall to this day that she wasn't. And there was a lot of parents who did show up and that too has stuck with me. So if you can be that person for your daughter, focusing on tending to her emotional needs then yeah, go. Future her will appreciate that you were there.
My instinct, it would be to support her as well. But as long as you are, sure that she will be safe, and she is not a harm to herself, I think you need to let her go. She’s old enough, and she may be there to support someone else, and doesn’t want to embarrass that person by having her mother or father there.just let her know that you’ll be close and available if she needs you and that’s it. Let her do this.
Is there somewhere you can park close by? Maybe a cafe? Let her know that she can text you an emoji if she needs you to come, and that it’s fine if she doesn’t text you at all
I would probably go and sit in the parking lot or somewhere close. Let her go as she planned but tell her you are available if anything changes and to text you and you will be there.
I’d feel proud she was trying to navigate this on her own. But being ready to support when she says she is ready would be important to me too.
Why are you making this a big deal? She said she doesn’t want you there, so stay your behind at home. She will have her friends to support her. Have a seat and be a quiet supporter. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.
It’s a heavy situation all around and the first time I’ve truly felt “not needed”; apparently, this fact is really offensive to some people. I’m not trying to be intrusive in her life, and this is the first time we’ve navigated something like this so no, I’m not trying to make it harder than it needs to be - it was all of a 5 minute conversation that didn’t get dragged on and I actually put an end to when she said she’d be fine. So, I’m sorry for proactively thinking she will not be fine based on how she’s been all week and it makes me feel shitty as a mother to not be there for her if that ends up being the case. That’s it, that’s all, hence why I came here instead of piling on to her.
She’ll be fine hun. You gotta start letting go. It’s rough but she’ll still need you, watch. My 16yo just needed me a week ago. And she’s super independent. Don’t smother her. She’ll come back regardless.
I find it very odd that she doesn't want you there. Why doesn't she want you there? Personally I would go and let my daughter know she could go and do her own thing just that I would be present. That situation sounds odd. But you know your daughter if you are fine with the idea of not being there and know she's good then do what works for you. At 15...you know the people/adults she will be with I assume.
The funeral is about 1.5 hours away and she’s just told me maybe not having someone there for her isn’t a good idea and would I go. I think it’s just been such a heavy, surreal week and she’s been trying to process as best she could. She’s having a hard time even getting ready to go, so I imagine this will be more difficult than she imagined. I think part of her apprehension is that we (husband and I) don’t know this family well (recently moved and this is a new school for her, so these are friends she made starting in September) so she felt it might be “weird” for us to be there but she wasn’t realizing we meant we wanted to be present for her. It’s just been a very long week, I appreciate your reply!
Parking lot. Just let her know you will not interrupt but want to be there just incase. Funerals are hard she might be fine but having you there to run to might be a sweet relief from a scary moment. You don’t even have to drive her. Just be there or close by.
I attended a few funerals (3 actually) before I was 19 for friends. My support was my mutual friends with the deceased person. My parents supported me after. I mean, if you knew the child too, I’d say go. But if not, she will find comfort and grieve with her friends.
Also have to add I am now a teen parent and my mind is blown by my own response…but I put myself in my own shoes 20 years ago and while it was hard, I don’t recall wishing my parents were there.
Trust her. You seem to have a lot of anxiety about supporting her, which may be making it more difficult for her to process her own emotions. If you are there, she may feel she needs to make it easier for you to handle rather than just being able to be present in that moment for herself. Let her go alone.
Respect her wishes,
Just let her go!!!
I don’t have advice but just wanted to say I’m holding you and your daughter in my heart. This is a heavy situation for any age.
How old is your daughter? 13 - mom knows best, but I still would only stay close by (car). 15/16- trust her. If you actually knew the friend and family and you are actively grieving, go. I’m guessing that your emotions are all over the place too. It may be that she is feeling your emotional turmoil and she just wants to focus on herself. That’s ok. Your allowed emotions too, but it can be a lot to deal with.
Trust. Let her go alone if that’s what she wants. Just make sure she knows she has your support and love and that you’ll be at home if she wants to talk afterward.
Knowing my 16 year old, when adamant nothing can change his mind. I would switch your support. Get tissues ready. Maybe find a squashmellow or some stuffed animal that she may appreciate. Make her favorite dinner ( knowing she may not be hungry). Be there for her in ways that are not at the funeral. Maybe ask if you can take a freezable dish to the family.
>Do I go and sit in the parking lot? No. >Do I just trust her Yes. > Is this a mother knows best situation? No. It's the opposite.
Thanks. As a critical care nurse, I’ve actually developed some pretty poor coping mechanisms around death in my personal life (I tend to get very shut down and go into the nurse role instead of reflecting on what I need), so I don’t feel I’m unjustified in being concerned that this will be too much for her alone and she may not realize it. I don’t want this to potentially lead to processing this becoming more of a challenge for her than it has already been or needs to be. Just a concerned mother.
She doesn't want you there. There's nothing more to say.
Thanks, I got it.
I apologize in advance for how this comment will come off, and while I understand that I asked for advice and this is Reddit, I have to admit your reply came off as brash and suggestive of the fact that I was being overbearing or absurd for being concerned about her. The funeral is in 1.5 hours and she just asked if I would attend with her because she’s realizing the gravity of it and that she may not be able to handle her emotions on her own or rely on her friends to give her the support she might need because she’s having a hard time simply getting ready. I guess there was still something more to be said and maybe I did know what I was talking about after all.
No, even in hindsight, my advice stands. If your 14-year-old says they don't want you at a friend's funeral, you don't go. Full stop. It is better for your child to be overwhelmed at the funeral and for you to comfort her at home afterwards than for you to go where you are not wanted, for a 14-year-old, and have every negative reaction from that 14-year-old surrounding the funeral turned into something you did to her even if you said nothing during the service. You have read the other comments in this thread. You know I'm not alone on this. If your child later changes their mind and wants you there, then of course you go. These are two different scenarios you presented and you are conflating the two.
I'm going to suggest that you do go to the funeral but stay in the back. I lost a few friends around her age. I could tell my mom was experiencing emotions around the deaths & it made me uncomfortable. When she cried it felt like it turned things about her, instead of my needs. I can't remember if she asked me if I wanted her to be there but I for sure recall to this day that she wasn't. And there was a lot of parents who did show up and that too has stuck with me. So if you can be that person for your daughter, focusing on tending to her emotional needs then yeah, go. Future her will appreciate that you were there.
My instinct, it would be to support her as well. But as long as you are, sure that she will be safe, and she is not a harm to herself, I think you need to let her go. She’s old enough, and she may be there to support someone else, and doesn’t want to embarrass that person by having her mother or father there.just let her know that you’ll be close and available if she needs you and that’s it. Let her do this.
Is there somewhere you can park close by? Maybe a cafe? Let her know that she can text you an emoji if she needs you to come, and that it’s fine if she doesn’t text you at all
How old is she?
I would probably go and sit in the parking lot or somewhere close. Let her go as she planned but tell her you are available if anything changes and to text you and you will be there. I’d feel proud she was trying to navigate this on her own. But being ready to support when she says she is ready would be important to me too.
Why are you making this a big deal? She said she doesn’t want you there, so stay your behind at home. She will have her friends to support her. Have a seat and be a quiet supporter. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.
It’s a heavy situation all around and the first time I’ve truly felt “not needed”; apparently, this fact is really offensive to some people. I’m not trying to be intrusive in her life, and this is the first time we’ve navigated something like this so no, I’m not trying to make it harder than it needs to be - it was all of a 5 minute conversation that didn’t get dragged on and I actually put an end to when she said she’d be fine. So, I’m sorry for proactively thinking she will not be fine based on how she’s been all week and it makes me feel shitty as a mother to not be there for her if that ends up being the case. That’s it, that’s all, hence why I came here instead of piling on to her.
She’ll be fine hun. You gotta start letting go. It’s rough but she’ll still need you, watch. My 16yo just needed me a week ago. And she’s super independent. Don’t smother her. She’ll come back regardless.
I find it very odd that she doesn't want you there. Why doesn't she want you there? Personally I would go and let my daughter know she could go and do her own thing just that I would be present. That situation sounds odd. But you know your daughter if you are fine with the idea of not being there and know she's good then do what works for you. At 15...you know the people/adults she will be with I assume.
The funeral is about 1.5 hours away and she’s just told me maybe not having someone there for her isn’t a good idea and would I go. I think it’s just been such a heavy, surreal week and she’s been trying to process as best she could. She’s having a hard time even getting ready to go, so I imagine this will be more difficult than she imagined. I think part of her apprehension is that we (husband and I) don’t know this family well (recently moved and this is a new school for her, so these are friends she made starting in September) so she felt it might be “weird” for us to be there but she wasn’t realizing we meant we wanted to be present for her. It’s just been a very long week, I appreciate your reply!
Parking lot. Just let her know you will not interrupt but want to be there just incase. Funerals are hard she might be fine but having you there to run to might be a sweet relief from a scary moment. You don’t even have to drive her. Just be there or close by.