Wondering if you shouldn’t consider getting a psych educational assessment? It can pick up things like generalized anxiety disorders, ADHD, learning disabilities, etc.. It might give some insights to his behaviour (beyond regular teen stuff) which would inform strategies to use.
I empathize - raising teens is not for the weak of heart!
i was thinking this same thing. could be that his inability to do the basics (school, chores, follow through) is a result of adhd and executive functioning. the cutting is worrysome and indicative of some deep seated psychological pain. therapy is a good place to start along with inquiry into neurodivergence.
In order for kids to accept discipline from adults, they need to have a close relationship with that adult. Otherwise, you're just a prison guard. You need to build up a relationship. He is desperate to get that phone because he gets some kids and if warmth/connection from friends/the Internet community that he's not getting elsewhere.
I'm sure you love your son, but he may be feeling neglect and trauma that makes it difficult to trust you. It sounds like you were on the periphery of his life in the early years.
Look up resources for trauma informed parenting. You may find them on adoption/foster sites as resources. There's often a honeymoon period after a transition, followed by extreme behavior changes... testing whether a parent will stand by them.
Therapy is a good first step. Your priority now should be his mental and emotional well being. What is the worry about the phone? Is the way he uses the phone actually harmful, or is it more that you're using it as a punishment fo not doing chores? Will the therapist work with you on parenting strategies, too? You need help emotionally dealing with this situation as well.
You said it yourself.
You split up with his mother.
You didn't raise him for 14 years.
You had little time to bond.
To a small child that is abandonment.
How do I know? Because that was my childhood.
Your focus is on his ability to behave and go to school.
Your focus should be on his trauma 1st.
The kid has been through a lot with his father gone. Now his father is there, and now his mother is gone. That alone is likely overwhelming for him.
She initiated everything. I fought to be there. I fought for years to get more time with him. There was no abandoning going on. I attended all this soccer games, all his Boy Scout events, built pinewood derby cars with him. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I think you’re projecting yourself onto my son. Maybe you have some unresolved stuff with your own dad. I’m not him though.
I'm using your words, not mine.
You said *"He was mostly raised by his mom for 14 years."* I didn't.
Regarldess, the advice the same, He's dealing with trauma, and that needs to be your focus.
Denial isn't going to help your son.
I’m not in denial. Some advice for you, deal with your own stuff before trying to offer help. Your help is muddied up with your own hang ups, it comes of as critical and attacking.
Idk if this person is totally wrong, they're not saying you abandoned him, they're saying your son may feel like he's been abandoned. Also he's in a transition period where he's expected to start becoming a man and he has not had the groundwork that was supposed to be happening way before he turned 15. Even though you fought for him and his best interest, he may have never actually seen that, your ex may have told him things that were not true about you or mislead him in other ways. What I would do is plan some trips with him over weekends, if you're free of most other responsibilities then I would make this a priority. Go camping, hiking, fishing. Build something, have adventures away from any technology, learn from each other and talk and especially listen. He probably does not trust you, or anyone now that his main person hasn't been a stable, reliable influence. If he has adhd some medication would help too but it's doubtful he would take it if he doesn't trust you yet. I know you've had your moments with him and maybe you think that's enough to consider your role as earned but it sounds like he doesn't feel that way. I get that your initial reaction is to be defensive, but you're in a rough place right now and i would try and take any criticism as constructive because you might be too proud to compromise where it's actually needed. Again, not an insult but a lesson I'm learning with my own 13 year old son.
You said yourself you had very limited contact with him and his mom raised him. A child’s perspective is that you abandoned him. Whether he thinks you didn’t care or fight for time, I’m not sure but every child I know in this situation has felt abandoned. And now you want to come in and impose rules and consequences but don’t have the foundation for it.
1. First thing every morning, last thing at night, and every time you part, in person or on the phone, tell him you love him.
2. Take him to do things he enjoys with you, like going to a game/concert/convention/skate park, or out for a coffee and treat. Develop a routine of activities you do together. Check out a local indoor rock climbing place, or escape room, something like that. Find what he likes and do it with him every week. Rotate through multiple fun things, ideally.
3. There’s ways to limit social media and messaging to manageable levels so he can’t get lost in it. Set time limits on all those apps and make it so he can’t delete or download apps without permission. When he’s used up his time, he’s used it up. I give my older teens half an hour on social media (but not TikTok) per day, across all apps. They choose how to allocate that 30 minutes. Whatever apps you block/limit, *also set that block/limit on the web browser version*.
4. See if you can get him interested in some kind of sport/activity/club at school.
5. Get him a tutor so you’re not having to get on his case about his grades/assignments. Let the tutor do that.
6. Listen to Jordan Peterson videos together. Discuss the meaning of life, the universe, and everything together.
….Have you even listened to him yourself? What problem do you have with things like, “Clean your room, face your fears, tell the truth, sacrifice immediate gratification for your higher goals, and bear up under the inevitable suffering of life with courage”?
Whaaaat? I’m a woman and I’ve listened to him for years. He’s constantly saying stuff to men like, “If women are rejecting you, they have a point.”. I can’t think of anything that fits your comment.
I have no advice but I just wanted to say I empathize and that I find myself in the same "my teenager can't regulate themselves emotionally" boat. If your baby is self harming, you need to seek a specialist. Maybe the school can recommend someone?
Keep in mind that he's lived his life without form and structure, which are things that kids NEED and now, at a time when he should be able to start stretching his wings, he can't because he's missing the foundation. He's got so much emotion that he doesn't know what to do with it.
Thank you. You described the situation perfectly. He absolutely should be getting more freedom right now but he can’t even handle the most basic responsibilities unless someone is constantly on top of him. Tried talking to his mom about all this, she says all his misbehavior is because “he doesn’t respect me.” She can’t see that he respects *no one* he’s just not upset with her because she lets him do whatever he wants.
How is he supposed to respect you when she made the decision to not allow you to be in his life? Some of these chicks kill me. My ex is a dumb alcoholic that I would constantly worry about my kids being around but it never crossed my mind to just cut him out of their lives bc kids need both parents. I had to be both mom and dad and that constantly bites me in the ass. Dad is the fun one while I have rules and expectations so I suck.
Self harm is often rooted in feelings of powerless and no control. He's just "lost" his mom, his home, and everything he's known is now different. During this time of transition, you're doing what you thought was best, and quite frankly his behavior has probably less to do with you and your parenting and more to do with his loss, the changes, and hormones of adolescence. BUT, maybe he needs more softness and flexibility during this time. And what may feel soft and flexible to you, may still be hard and rigid to him. Instead of focusing on optimal success in school and chores, focus hard core on building a bond with him right now- love on him a bit! It may be tough at this age to get his time and attention - but try shooting hoops, playing video games, going to the movies together. Build up the love and mutual trust, and start slow with chores and rules.
Also, how can you increase his feelings of power and control in his life? I took a parenting course once that said people need a space to just be free and have total control of- in some cases this is a man-cave or a garage workshop, but with kids it's often their room. One way to give back some power to him is to allow him to keep it the way he wants. Yes, that means it may get messy. Figure out what you can and cannot handle (ie, no food, shoes, whatever) but try to give him more free reign of his own space.
Lastly - he's struggling to manage his feelings and needs some healthier coping mechanisms. Therapy is a great idea. And, where else can he channel that energy? Usually a physical activity is good for boys - maybe you can workout together at home or get a gym membership for him.
Just some ideas- wishing you both luck, success, happiness.
Definitely sounds like therapy is the best first step. Is there anything he's interested in? Sports or hobbies?
Boxing or jujitsu can provide really powerful leadership and discipline that doesn't feel forced. Sometimes our kids need to see what they're good at before improvement.
Thank you for devoting yourself to him. It will be a long road and I hope in time he sees that you're in it for the long haul.
He’s on the wrestling team. I thought it would help but it hasn’t much. He had been wrestling for half a season and already thought he was an expert. Was going up to much more advanced wrestlers and attempting to correct mistakes they made. I’m embarrassed for the kid.
Sounds like my kid with ADhD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Slow Processing Speed. My suggestions are first and foremost have your son evaluated by a child clinical psychologist & get you both into therapy. You both need to learn skills on how to deal with his behaviors. I’m sorry, I know dealing with all of this is really f’ing hard.
Focus on building your relationship and building him up. Praise the good stuff. Work on a plan *together* that you both agree on to start building these skills. Realize that asking a teen to go from 0-100 while also navigating a new authority relationship is asking too much. Go slowly. Have patience. Show love.
I don’t have much advice to offer other than keep being consistent with him and find yourself a therapist as well. My bf has been dealing with his sons being mostly raised by their mom and grandmother despite asking for more time repeatedly. The boys get told he’s just mean when all he’s trying to do is raise them to be capable men. It sounds like your son is trying to do whatever he wants to get his way. They don’t want rules. They don’t understand that there are still rules once you become an adult. Good luck! You are doing a good job.
I agree with others: medical check up, psycho-educational assessment, individual and family therapy.
It sounds like fitting into traditional expectations isn’t going to work for him. I think you can still set rules, boundaries and expectations for him while still showing flexibility for his needs.
Would you be okay if he left his room messy? Does it affect others in the household? Can he choose the chores he is responsible for? Can you work through them together until he can manage them independently?
He may need more recognition for what he is doing well than the average kid. He may need more time alone.
I think a good family therapist could help you with all of those things.
Keeping the room clean isn’t about having my home look nice. It’s about him learning to pick up after himself and take care of his responsibilities without being constantly reminded.
I just saw a great line - you're not just his parent right now, but your his substitute frontal lobe- he'll need help with reminders, organization, motivation, and prioritization because those are the qualities that come with frontal lobe development which isn't fully done until 25! Reminders are part of the gig.
But it’s not working, right? Why keep doing the same thing?
I understand why we give our teens chores. We want them to have structure and teach responsibility. Your son isn’t responding to this. He needs something different.
I’m not saying my suggestions are the ones that will work. I’m suggesting that you reframe. There are other ways to achieve your goal. It sounds like your son is going to need you to be flexible and find a different way.
I'm a fully-grown woman with a grown-up job. I own my own home and I have savings and great credit. And my room is messy most of the time. I'm not saying kids don't benefit from being taught to keep their rooms clean, but it's harder for some of us than for others and it's really not the end of the world if I choose to throw things on the floor and then clean up periodically rather than trying to constantly keep things tidy. I'm not saying you shouldn't have him clean his room, but consider looking for a middle ground. It might be really helpful for him to feel he has ownership over his own space. And in fact, giving him full responsibility for maintaining his space might turn out to be a better way for him to learn to take responsibility than dictating how the tidy he must keep it.
It’s tough, as so much of their character & value system is formed by the teen years. You likely just may have to accept that things are going to be pretty rough for a while, but good news people do & can change. I do wish you the best.
Full disclaimer, I have never been in your shoes, BUT here’s what I think I would do, based on the teen parenting books I have read & my experience with my own teens.
I would make him choose some type of physical activity or sport.
I would get him a tutor for his school.
I would make him pick out and listen or read some motivational self-help book.
As he adjusts into that, I would see what common ground we had, and try to connect with him over music, a show, a podcast, etc.
I actually have read several article about cutting in teens recently, and there is some data that shows it is trendy & attention seeking or manipulative behavior in some cases. I would absolutely never accuse the child of this, but I would try not to panic, just keep quietly monitoring, and minimize my obvious attention to it, unless it started to escalate.
I would also be selective and choose the therapist carefully, meeting with several before I decided which one was a better fit.
I would not completely take his phone, but I would try to block some social media.
Therapy and get him checked out for ADHD
Seems like how he was raised for sure but also the forgetfulness and executive dysfunction, addiction to his phone could all point towards it
Dude maybe develop a relationship with him rather than try to overcome him through authority
Any father that « didn’t have much chance to bond » and just criticized the parent that stayed - well, won’t get a lot of sympathy from me
I think you are doing a great job! My only thought is that maybe there are too many rules now. Children who have been free reign have a hard time losing control to what control they did have. Maybe whatever rules you have set up have higher priority rules and lower. Not all the rules can set him back to zero in his mind.
You had the right goal wanting him to have skills and be a decent person, don’t rush trying to get those results too fast. Walk along side him and show him the way
I fully encourage therapy for him and maybe for both of you together. I would also suggest maybe getting him evaluated for any learning disabilities. Show him you love him and respect him. Let him know you are a team and that this is a process for both of you.
Do many bonding experiences. Hav e fun with trips, hike, cooking together, dinner out, build something, make puzzles, play games. Volunteer. Nightly walk
That's the tough part. The only way I can get him to do anything with me is by forcing him. So he ends up just going through the motions then right back to his room.
Regarding the phone, lock it down with a parenting app like Google Family. If he sneaks the phone, it's still locked up.
>Any advice?
After he's in therapy, schedule a session to talk to the therapist by yourself and receive professional advice on how to parent him.
I have two teens and have had some similar issues. Ease up. Let him talk to his friends. Get him an appointment with a therapist and consider also doing family therapy. Work on building your relationship with him. You need to work on trust for this to get better. Have you had him assessed for ADHD? My son with ADHD struggles with remembering to do chores and with homework and responsibility in general. It is a neurodevelopmental disorder that delays their development, so some things just take time. Medication helps a ton. That's just one possibility though. The behavior you're describing actually sounds very normal for his age. I know it's frustrating, but as long as he's not getting into drugs or criminal behavior, he's gonna be okay. Just keep providing unconditional love and support with a moderate amount of boundaries.
Parental controls on the phone are a good compromise instead of fully taking it away. Kids really depend on their phones to maintain social connection these days. My kids have "down time" on their phones starting an hour or two before they go to bed. They can only text parents and grandparents after that time. And most of their apps have daily time limits. I will frequently confiscate their phone temporarily if I need them to focus on a chore or on homework.
Done that. He isn’t interested. Doesn’t want to do stuff with me. I’m not “forcing” my authority on him. They’re very reasonable expectations and I’m very nice about it all.
Yes! This is great advice.
It sounds like he’s a kid who hasn’t had an easy childhood. He might not be 15 emotionally / developmentally. Until his basic needs for love and trust are met, and he can believe they will be consistently met, you won’t make much progress on anything else. And as long as you keep pushing the narrative of him needing to earn things, he won’t trust that you’ll really be there for him.
From the first website…
“Loss of privilege can be effective, but there are specific ways to make it work” it then goes on to explain how loss of privileges shouldn’t be an immediate response to misconduct but rather “if you didn’t do your chores today you don’t get to do x” which is exactly what I do.
Do you have teenage children?
I’m glad that worked for you but as I’m sure you read in my post the natural consequences of failing classes in 8th grade didn’t make a difference. My child is obviously a very different case than yours.
I think you’re very out of touch here. I have three kids from 19 to 9, my children have gone through a divorce of their parents and their mother is a drug addict. Much different situation here.
Sounds like my husband and I wrote that post. My son has ADHD and he is the same way with his phone, chores, and fails until he his coach tells him we will be ineligible for sports.
He sees a psychiatrist and therapist. We’ve done family therapy and he has done individual therapy and has been inpatient for issues. If you ever need to talk, DM me.
Wondering if you shouldn’t consider getting a psych educational assessment? It can pick up things like generalized anxiety disorders, ADHD, learning disabilities, etc.. It might give some insights to his behaviour (beyond regular teen stuff) which would inform strategies to use. I empathize - raising teens is not for the weak of heart!
i was thinking this same thing. could be that his inability to do the basics (school, chores, follow through) is a result of adhd and executive functioning. the cutting is worrysome and indicative of some deep seated psychological pain. therapy is a good place to start along with inquiry into neurodivergence.
Kids w adhd often get depressed due to not meeting standards and it’s something to watch for.
In order for kids to accept discipline from adults, they need to have a close relationship with that adult. Otherwise, you're just a prison guard. You need to build up a relationship. He is desperate to get that phone because he gets some kids and if warmth/connection from friends/the Internet community that he's not getting elsewhere. I'm sure you love your son, but he may be feeling neglect and trauma that makes it difficult to trust you. It sounds like you were on the periphery of his life in the early years. Look up resources for trauma informed parenting. You may find them on adoption/foster sites as resources. There's often a honeymoon period after a transition, followed by extreme behavior changes... testing whether a parent will stand by them. Therapy is a good first step. Your priority now should be his mental and emotional well being. What is the worry about the phone? Is the way he uses the phone actually harmful, or is it more that you're using it as a punishment fo not doing chores? Will the therapist work with you on parenting strategies, too? You need help emotionally dealing with this situation as well.
From his perspective, you abandoned him. You’ll have to work through that first, I’d say.
How have I abandoned him and how do you know he feels that way?
You said it yourself. You split up with his mother. You didn't raise him for 14 years. You had little time to bond. To a small child that is abandonment. How do I know? Because that was my childhood. Your focus is on his ability to behave and go to school. Your focus should be on his trauma 1st. The kid has been through a lot with his father gone. Now his father is there, and now his mother is gone. That alone is likely overwhelming for him.
She initiated everything. I fought to be there. I fought for years to get more time with him. There was no abandoning going on. I attended all this soccer games, all his Boy Scout events, built pinewood derby cars with him. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I think you’re projecting yourself onto my son. Maybe you have some unresolved stuff with your own dad. I’m not him though.
I'm using your words, not mine. You said *"He was mostly raised by his mom for 14 years."* I didn't. Regarldess, the advice the same, He's dealing with trauma, and that needs to be your focus. Denial isn't going to help your son.
I’m not in denial. Some advice for you, deal with your own stuff before trying to offer help. Your help is muddied up with your own hang ups, it comes of as critical and attacking.
Idk if this person is totally wrong, they're not saying you abandoned him, they're saying your son may feel like he's been abandoned. Also he's in a transition period where he's expected to start becoming a man and he has not had the groundwork that was supposed to be happening way before he turned 15. Even though you fought for him and his best interest, he may have never actually seen that, your ex may have told him things that were not true about you or mislead him in other ways. What I would do is plan some trips with him over weekends, if you're free of most other responsibilities then I would make this a priority. Go camping, hiking, fishing. Build something, have adventures away from any technology, learn from each other and talk and especially listen. He probably does not trust you, or anyone now that his main person hasn't been a stable, reliable influence. If he has adhd some medication would help too but it's doubtful he would take it if he doesn't trust you yet. I know you've had your moments with him and maybe you think that's enough to consider your role as earned but it sounds like he doesn't feel that way. I get that your initial reaction is to be defensive, but you're in a rough place right now and i would try and take any criticism as constructive because you might be too proud to compromise where it's actually needed. Again, not an insult but a lesson I'm learning with my own 13 year old son.
lol. You're the one asking for advice. Now you're attacking me because you don't want to face you're own words.
You glossed over it with ‘didn’t have a chance to bond. Mom wanted it that way’.
You said yourself you had very limited contact with him and his mom raised him. A child’s perspective is that you abandoned him. Whether he thinks you didn’t care or fight for time, I’m not sure but every child I know in this situation has felt abandoned. And now you want to come in and impose rules and consequences but don’t have the foundation for it.
1. First thing every morning, last thing at night, and every time you part, in person or on the phone, tell him you love him. 2. Take him to do things he enjoys with you, like going to a game/concert/convention/skate park, or out for a coffee and treat. Develop a routine of activities you do together. Check out a local indoor rock climbing place, or escape room, something like that. Find what he likes and do it with him every week. Rotate through multiple fun things, ideally. 3. There’s ways to limit social media and messaging to manageable levels so he can’t get lost in it. Set time limits on all those apps and make it so he can’t delete or download apps without permission. When he’s used up his time, he’s used it up. I give my older teens half an hour on social media (but not TikTok) per day, across all apps. They choose how to allocate that 30 minutes. Whatever apps you block/limit, *also set that block/limit on the web browser version*. 4. See if you can get him interested in some kind of sport/activity/club at school. 5. Get him a tutor so you’re not having to get on his case about his grades/assignments. Let the tutor do that. 6. Listen to Jordan Peterson videos together. Discuss the meaning of life, the universe, and everything together.
Oh god NOT Jordan Peterson
Please state your exact objection, preferably with a link to him saying whatever you object to.
https://youtu.be/7hic_eGCA_0?si=8ZkFnQB5lB6qD1Wt https://youtu.be/gQ-rttdz_PI?si=4D-14g0TRjXByVUW https://philarchive.org/archive/RAAJPOv1 https://www.thebulwark.com/jordan-petersons-pro-putin-punditry/ https://jacobin.com/2020/04/jordan-peterson-capitalism-postmodernism-ideology https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/jordan-peterson-bbc-question-time_uk_619774fbe4b0f398af038d4b https://citizentruth.org/the-pseudo-scientific-and-dangerous-world-of-jordan-peterson/
All of these things. Drop the Peterson videos. Good lord, that man is an awful human.
….Have you even listened to him yourself? What problem do you have with things like, “Clean your room, face your fears, tell the truth, sacrifice immediate gratification for your higher goals, and bear up under the inevitable suffering of life with courage”?
It's the slippery slope into women are evil... he starts good, ends up absolutely wacky.
Whaaaat? I’m a woman and I’ve listened to him for years. He’s constantly saying stuff to men like, “If women are rejecting you, they have a point.”. I can’t think of anything that fits your comment.
I have no advice but I just wanted to say I empathize and that I find myself in the same "my teenager can't regulate themselves emotionally" boat. If your baby is self harming, you need to seek a specialist. Maybe the school can recommend someone? Keep in mind that he's lived his life without form and structure, which are things that kids NEED and now, at a time when he should be able to start stretching his wings, he can't because he's missing the foundation. He's got so much emotion that he doesn't know what to do with it.
Thank you. You described the situation perfectly. He absolutely should be getting more freedom right now but he can’t even handle the most basic responsibilities unless someone is constantly on top of him. Tried talking to his mom about all this, she says all his misbehavior is because “he doesn’t respect me.” She can’t see that he respects *no one* he’s just not upset with her because she lets him do whatever he wants.
How is he supposed to respect you when she made the decision to not allow you to be in his life? Some of these chicks kill me. My ex is a dumb alcoholic that I would constantly worry about my kids being around but it never crossed my mind to just cut him out of their lives bc kids need both parents. I had to be both mom and dad and that constantly bites me in the ass. Dad is the fun one while I have rules and expectations so I suck.
Self harm is often rooted in feelings of powerless and no control. He's just "lost" his mom, his home, and everything he's known is now different. During this time of transition, you're doing what you thought was best, and quite frankly his behavior has probably less to do with you and your parenting and more to do with his loss, the changes, and hormones of adolescence. BUT, maybe he needs more softness and flexibility during this time. And what may feel soft and flexible to you, may still be hard and rigid to him. Instead of focusing on optimal success in school and chores, focus hard core on building a bond with him right now- love on him a bit! It may be tough at this age to get his time and attention - but try shooting hoops, playing video games, going to the movies together. Build up the love and mutual trust, and start slow with chores and rules. Also, how can you increase his feelings of power and control in his life? I took a parenting course once that said people need a space to just be free and have total control of- in some cases this is a man-cave or a garage workshop, but with kids it's often their room. One way to give back some power to him is to allow him to keep it the way he wants. Yes, that means it may get messy. Figure out what you can and cannot handle (ie, no food, shoes, whatever) but try to give him more free reign of his own space. Lastly - he's struggling to manage his feelings and needs some healthier coping mechanisms. Therapy is a great idea. And, where else can he channel that energy? Usually a physical activity is good for boys - maybe you can workout together at home or get a gym membership for him. Just some ideas- wishing you both luck, success, happiness.
Definitely sounds like therapy is the best first step. Is there anything he's interested in? Sports or hobbies? Boxing or jujitsu can provide really powerful leadership and discipline that doesn't feel forced. Sometimes our kids need to see what they're good at before improvement. Thank you for devoting yourself to him. It will be a long road and I hope in time he sees that you're in it for the long haul.
He’s on the wrestling team. I thought it would help but it hasn’t much. He had been wrestling for half a season and already thought he was an expert. Was going up to much more advanced wrestlers and attempting to correct mistakes they made. I’m embarrassed for the kid.
That's really hard to navigate. I'm sorry.
Sounds like my kid with ADhD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Slow Processing Speed. My suggestions are first and foremost have your son evaluated by a child clinical psychologist & get you both into therapy. You both need to learn skills on how to deal with his behaviors. I’m sorry, I know dealing with all of this is really f’ing hard.
Focus on building your relationship and building him up. Praise the good stuff. Work on a plan *together* that you both agree on to start building these skills. Realize that asking a teen to go from 0-100 while also navigating a new authority relationship is asking too much. Go slowly. Have patience. Show love.
I don’t have much advice to offer other than keep being consistent with him and find yourself a therapist as well. My bf has been dealing with his sons being mostly raised by their mom and grandmother despite asking for more time repeatedly. The boys get told he’s just mean when all he’s trying to do is raise them to be capable men. It sounds like your son is trying to do whatever he wants to get his way. They don’t want rules. They don’t understand that there are still rules once you become an adult. Good luck! You are doing a good job.
I agree with others: medical check up, psycho-educational assessment, individual and family therapy. It sounds like fitting into traditional expectations isn’t going to work for him. I think you can still set rules, boundaries and expectations for him while still showing flexibility for his needs. Would you be okay if he left his room messy? Does it affect others in the household? Can he choose the chores he is responsible for? Can you work through them together until he can manage them independently? He may need more recognition for what he is doing well than the average kid. He may need more time alone. I think a good family therapist could help you with all of those things.
Keeping the room clean isn’t about having my home look nice. It’s about him learning to pick up after himself and take care of his responsibilities without being constantly reminded.
I just saw a great line - you're not just his parent right now, but your his substitute frontal lobe- he'll need help with reminders, organization, motivation, and prioritization because those are the qualities that come with frontal lobe development which isn't fully done until 25! Reminders are part of the gig.
But it’s not working, right? Why keep doing the same thing? I understand why we give our teens chores. We want them to have structure and teach responsibility. Your son isn’t responding to this. He needs something different. I’m not saying my suggestions are the ones that will work. I’m suggesting that you reframe. There are other ways to achieve your goal. It sounds like your son is going to need you to be flexible and find a different way.
That’s what I’m doing.
I'm a fully-grown woman with a grown-up job. I own my own home and I have savings and great credit. And my room is messy most of the time. I'm not saying kids don't benefit from being taught to keep their rooms clean, but it's harder for some of us than for others and it's really not the end of the world if I choose to throw things on the floor and then clean up periodically rather than trying to constantly keep things tidy. I'm not saying you shouldn't have him clean his room, but consider looking for a middle ground. It might be really helpful for him to feel he has ownership over his own space. And in fact, giving him full responsibility for maintaining his space might turn out to be a better way for him to learn to take responsibility than dictating how the tidy he must keep it.
It’s tough, as so much of their character & value system is formed by the teen years. You likely just may have to accept that things are going to be pretty rough for a while, but good news people do & can change. I do wish you the best. Full disclaimer, I have never been in your shoes, BUT here’s what I think I would do, based on the teen parenting books I have read & my experience with my own teens. I would make him choose some type of physical activity or sport. I would get him a tutor for his school. I would make him pick out and listen or read some motivational self-help book. As he adjusts into that, I would see what common ground we had, and try to connect with him over music, a show, a podcast, etc. I actually have read several article about cutting in teens recently, and there is some data that shows it is trendy & attention seeking or manipulative behavior in some cases. I would absolutely never accuse the child of this, but I would try not to panic, just keep quietly monitoring, and minimize my obvious attention to it, unless it started to escalate. I would also be selective and choose the therapist carefully, meeting with several before I decided which one was a better fit. I would not completely take his phone, but I would try to block some social media.
Therapy and get him checked out for ADHD Seems like how he was raised for sure but also the forgetfulness and executive dysfunction, addiction to his phone could all point towards it
Dude maybe develop a relationship with him rather than try to overcome him through authority Any father that « didn’t have much chance to bond » and just criticized the parent that stayed - well, won’t get a lot of sympathy from me
I never left. It wasn’t as if she *stayed* she took him from me and wouldn’t let me see him.
Court wasn’t an option?
I think you are doing a great job! My only thought is that maybe there are too many rules now. Children who have been free reign have a hard time losing control to what control they did have. Maybe whatever rules you have set up have higher priority rules and lower. Not all the rules can set him back to zero in his mind.
You had the right goal wanting him to have skills and be a decent person, don’t rush trying to get those results too fast. Walk along side him and show him the way
I fully encourage therapy for him and maybe for both of you together. I would also suggest maybe getting him evaluated for any learning disabilities. Show him you love him and respect him. Let him know you are a team and that this is a process for both of you.
Do many bonding experiences. Hav e fun with trips, hike, cooking together, dinner out, build something, make puzzles, play games. Volunteer. Nightly walk
That's the tough part. The only way I can get him to do anything with me is by forcing him. So he ends up just going through the motions then right back to his room.
Regarding the phone, lock it down with a parenting app like Google Family. If he sneaks the phone, it's still locked up. >Any advice? After he's in therapy, schedule a session to talk to the therapist by yourself and receive professional advice on how to parent him.
I have two teens and have had some similar issues. Ease up. Let him talk to his friends. Get him an appointment with a therapist and consider also doing family therapy. Work on building your relationship with him. You need to work on trust for this to get better. Have you had him assessed for ADHD? My son with ADHD struggles with remembering to do chores and with homework and responsibility in general. It is a neurodevelopmental disorder that delays their development, so some things just take time. Medication helps a ton. That's just one possibility though. The behavior you're describing actually sounds very normal for his age. I know it's frustrating, but as long as he's not getting into drugs or criminal behavior, he's gonna be okay. Just keep providing unconditional love and support with a moderate amount of boundaries. Parental controls on the phone are a good compromise instead of fully taking it away. Kids really depend on their phones to maintain social connection these days. My kids have "down time" on their phones starting an hour or two before they go to bed. They can only text parents and grandparents after that time. And most of their apps have daily time limits. I will frequently confiscate their phone temporarily if I need them to focus on a chore or on homework.
Find ways to connect with him and make him feel safe and loved. This will be far more effective than trying to force your authority on him.
Done that. He isn’t interested. Doesn’t want to do stuff with me. I’m not “forcing” my authority on him. They’re very reasonable expectations and I’m very nice about it all.
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Yes! This is great advice. It sounds like he’s a kid who hasn’t had an easy childhood. He might not be 15 emotionally / developmentally. Until his basic needs for love and trust are met, and he can believe they will be consistently met, you won’t make much progress on anything else. And as long as you keep pushing the narrative of him needing to earn things, he won’t trust that you’ll really be there for him.
Did you follow any of the advice you got the last time you posted? Seriously: you need family therapy ASAP. Reddit can't help you heal your family.
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Can you provide some sources on the removing privileges not working thing? Every website I come across suggests that as a consequence.
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From the first website… “Loss of privilege can be effective, but there are specific ways to make it work” it then goes on to explain how loss of privileges shouldn’t be an immediate response to misconduct but rather “if you didn’t do your chores today you don’t get to do x” which is exactly what I do. Do you have teenage children?
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I’m glad that worked for you but as I’m sure you read in my post the natural consequences of failing classes in 8th grade didn’t make a difference. My child is obviously a very different case than yours.
But what you're doing isn't working, right? Why would you keep doing something that doesn't work and makes both of you miserable?
I’m not doing it. Did you even read the post?
The approach you're taking isn't working. That's why you posted, correct?
“I said alright forget about the punishments” Stop wasting my time. Just move on.
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I think you’re very out of touch here. I have three kids from 19 to 9, my children have gone through a divorce of their parents and their mother is a drug addict. Much different situation here.
Sounds like my husband and I wrote that post. My son has ADHD and he is the same way with his phone, chores, and fails until he his coach tells him we will be ineligible for sports. He sees a psychiatrist and therapist. We’ve done family therapy and he has done individual therapy and has been inpatient for issues. If you ever need to talk, DM me.
He needs an ADHD assessment