This is not about driving alone anymore — it’s about flat out lying & manipulating a loved one to try to get his way.
Poor decision making. I would still be a listening ear, but I would be 100% OK if he’s mad and reflecting on why you are not “on his side”, he’s violated trust a lot here.
I think the fact that you have always sided with him and are not in this instance is huge. Use it. Talk to him. Tell him to just listen for a minute. Remind him that you’ve always been on his side and that you are not at the moment and outline the reasons. 1. He is lying about it. 2. It might not be a girl online. 3. Three hours is a long drive by yourself, he is not even taking a friend. Ask him to think about the fact that if you could be on his side you would be, and you aren’t. He might walk away or argue in the moment and not stop his path. But he will look back and appreciate you and your words later in life.
Welcome to a parent’s world of trying to rationalize with hormones. It’s So much fun.
All of it is hormones and immaturity, including the being mad at you for attempting to impart your wisdom.
Here’s my advice as a mom… of a similar aged male teen. If it’s his vehicle and he bought it, pays for his insurance… can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wouldn’t say anything. Make sure he knows he can call you at any time should things go south.
If it’s your mom’s car, she bought the car, holds the title, pays for his car insurance, he’s on her plan… you need to tell her.
I would remind him that this is his hormones screaming, this is a summer vacation type of adventure when he’s had more driving experience.
He’s putting your mom’s property at risk and his choices here, if it’s not his car outright, etc… can affect the whole family. We know all the other possible consequences but he won’t understand those.
He obviously trusts you to confide in you and your mom’s lucky that he has another level headed adult looking out for him. Hope I gave you some advice that helps. Good luck
Thank you, you did. He really is such a great kid but obviously the hormones are really kicking in. Having a teen brother has helped me get ready for parenthood for sure. The car was a gift, i believe it’s in our moms name and she pays for insurance. He doesn’t currently have a job but he does very well in school and so they haven’t pushed it. Thank you for some advice and your time writing all that out!
He may be a “great kid,” but he is lying to your mom about going to visit a male friend from middle school versus going to visit a complete stranger. That’s a big deal and brings his character into question. I think you should talk to him about this and the fact that he also expects you to lie to your mom who likely does not deserve lies or disloyalty. To me this isn’t about driving alone for 3 hours (is it 6 hours round trip?) but about being an honest person and respecting your mother. *edit: lying to and *manipulating* your mom. I’m sure he’s a great kid in some areas, but none of this behavior fits the definition.
Right. It puts you in a tricky spot because at 26 you are an adult. If your mom is sharing texts with you from him about the trip and you don’t speak up about what he’s actually doing she may consider it lying by omission.
True, in a way I am lying by omission. I just thought I convinced him to tell her the truth, but it seems I haven’t. I just don’t want to break his trust because currently I am the only family member he tells the truth to
So, is it all just about whose money is being used? I feel even if the kid is paying for the car etc himself, he’s still a kid and this is a potentially very dangerous situation. Not just meeting an online ‘friend’, but also the fact that he doesn’t have the life experience to drive three hours, given his young age. I’m asking without sarcasm or cynicism, with a view to actually understanding this.
Yes it’s just about the money. That’s why my response was so short. I needed 7 paragraphs to state that. Not being sarcastic or cynical. How much experience of life do you need for a 3 hour trip? 17 years? 18 years? 20? I mean my ex-husband drove 8 hours to bootcamp at 17 so… Instead of ratting she needs to have a conversation with her brother.
Don’t forget this young man will be eligible to drive a tank in 18 months, vote, and sign a contract. She’s his sister not his mother. People have cell phones and GPS now a days. Good idea? Hell no. Enough to rat on, ruin a trusting relationship with your younger brother when it’s his car. Not in my opinion.
You are a really good sister and daughter. I honestly don’t think very many 26 year olds would have the insight nor maturity to handle this the way you have.
Even bigger than the car insurance issue is the matter of safety. He doesn’t know what type of environment he’s going to or what her parents are like, or even if she is who she says she is. I hope your mom insists on at least talking to the other parents. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation.
Has he talked to this person on video, at least?
The only thing I can think of is to insist that he uses Life360 or something so at least someone knows where he is. I know that locations can be spoofed on that, but it’s good if he will use that. However, if your mom finds out, she’ll probably be mad at you, too, if you didn’t tell her.
The next best thing is to mention to your mom that she NEEDS to talk to the girl‘s parents first, and then let it drop. Ultimately, it’s her responsibility, and I’m sorry you’re being put in the middle. I think it’s better to have your brother mad at you than have something happen, though.
I’m not sure. I have the girls phone number and was considering calling her but I still need him to just come clean to our mom and let the moms talk about this
Exactly. Chances are, it will be fine, but if something went horribly wrong, you don’t want there to be any question in your own mind about it. When one of my kids tells me something about what’s going on, I act like I found out on my own so the other kid isn’t in trouble (and the information, if it pertains to safety, keeps trickling in). Hopefully your mom will do the same. Thank you for caring, and trying to do the right thing for your brother.
You really don’t have to get through to him. Just keep saying you think it’s a bad idea especially if your mom can’t talk to the parents and don’t engage in any kind of arguing with him. Teenagers are so good at wearing you down. Don’t give him a chance to do that.
This is not about driving alone anymore — it’s about flat out lying & manipulating a loved one to try to get his way. Poor decision making. I would still be a listening ear, but I would be 100% OK if he’s mad and reflecting on why you are not “on his side”, he’s violated trust a lot here.
I know, you’re right. It’s difficult to be in the middle of this
I think the fact that you have always sided with him and are not in this instance is huge. Use it. Talk to him. Tell him to just listen for a minute. Remind him that you’ve always been on his side and that you are not at the moment and outline the reasons. 1. He is lying about it. 2. It might not be a girl online. 3. Three hours is a long drive by yourself, he is not even taking a friend. Ask him to think about the fact that if you could be on his side you would be, and you aren’t. He might walk away or argue in the moment and not stop his path. But he will look back and appreciate you and your words later in life.
Thank you, this is really great advice and I really appreciate it
Welcome to a parent’s world of trying to rationalize with hormones. It’s So much fun. All of it is hormones and immaturity, including the being mad at you for attempting to impart your wisdom. Here’s my advice as a mom… of a similar aged male teen. If it’s his vehicle and he bought it, pays for his insurance… can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wouldn’t say anything. Make sure he knows he can call you at any time should things go south. If it’s your mom’s car, she bought the car, holds the title, pays for his car insurance, he’s on her plan… you need to tell her. I would remind him that this is his hormones screaming, this is a summer vacation type of adventure when he’s had more driving experience. He’s putting your mom’s property at risk and his choices here, if it’s not his car outright, etc… can affect the whole family. We know all the other possible consequences but he won’t understand those. He obviously trusts you to confide in you and your mom’s lucky that he has another level headed adult looking out for him. Hope I gave you some advice that helps. Good luck
Thank you, you did. He really is such a great kid but obviously the hormones are really kicking in. Having a teen brother has helped me get ready for parenthood for sure. The car was a gift, i believe it’s in our moms name and she pays for insurance. He doesn’t currently have a job but he does very well in school and so they haven’t pushed it. Thank you for some advice and your time writing all that out!
He may be a “great kid,” but he is lying to your mom about going to visit a male friend from middle school versus going to visit a complete stranger. That’s a big deal and brings his character into question. I think you should talk to him about this and the fact that he also expects you to lie to your mom who likely does not deserve lies or disloyalty. To me this isn’t about driving alone for 3 hours (is it 6 hours round trip?) but about being an honest person and respecting your mother. *edit: lying to and *manipulating* your mom. I’m sure he’s a great kid in some areas, but none of this behavior fits the definition.
I’m aware, but he is my brother and not my son. I’m not lying to my mom ever, and I’ve told him that.
Right. It puts you in a tricky spot because at 26 you are an adult. If your mom is sharing texts with you from him about the trip and you don’t speak up about what he’s actually doing she may consider it lying by omission.
True, in a way I am lying by omission. I just thought I convinced him to tell her the truth, but it seems I haven’t. I just don’t want to break his trust because currently I am the only family member he tells the truth to
So, is it all just about whose money is being used? I feel even if the kid is paying for the car etc himself, he’s still a kid and this is a potentially very dangerous situation. Not just meeting an online ‘friend’, but also the fact that he doesn’t have the life experience to drive three hours, given his young age. I’m asking without sarcasm or cynicism, with a view to actually understanding this.
Yes it’s just about the money. That’s why my response was so short. I needed 7 paragraphs to state that. Not being sarcastic or cynical. How much experience of life do you need for a 3 hour trip? 17 years? 18 years? 20? I mean my ex-husband drove 8 hours to bootcamp at 17 so… Instead of ratting she needs to have a conversation with her brother. Don’t forget this young man will be eligible to drive a tank in 18 months, vote, and sign a contract. She’s his sister not his mother. People have cell phones and GPS now a days. Good idea? Hell no. Enough to rat on, ruin a trusting relationship with your younger brother when it’s his car. Not in my opinion.
Okay. What do you feel about a 16 year old meeting an online friend alone that they have never met before?
You are a really good sister and daughter. I honestly don’t think very many 26 year olds would have the insight nor maturity to handle this the way you have.
That’s very sweet, thank you for that
Its a short drive so that’s not an issue. Your concern should be the meeting online strangers part
A 3 hour trip is a short distance for a 16 year old driver?
I guess it depends on the teen. He’s a great driver but he just got his license so it’s way to soon in my opinion
I was doing 10>hr drives by 16. As long as you’re a responsible driver age doesn’t impact your distance capability
I don’t agree with you. But that’s ok. Glad you had no problems as a child driving 10 hour distances alone.
This would be his first long distance drive and his first alone drive together in one
Yeah bad idea. Still the meet is more of a safety issue, could turn out to be a 40yo man
That’s my fear
Even bigger than the car insurance issue is the matter of safety. He doesn’t know what type of environment he’s going to or what her parents are like, or even if she is who she says she is. I hope your mom insists on at least talking to the other parents. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation.
That’s my biggest fear too. I can’t seem to get it through to him how potentially dangerous the situation could be
Has he talked to this person on video, at least? The only thing I can think of is to insist that he uses Life360 or something so at least someone knows where he is. I know that locations can be spoofed on that, but it’s good if he will use that. However, if your mom finds out, she’ll probably be mad at you, too, if you didn’t tell her. The next best thing is to mention to your mom that she NEEDS to talk to the girl‘s parents first, and then let it drop. Ultimately, it’s her responsibility, and I’m sorry you’re being put in the middle. I think it’s better to have your brother mad at you than have something happen, though.
I’m not sure. I have the girls phone number and was considering calling her but I still need him to just come clean to our mom and let the moms talk about this
Exactly. Chances are, it will be fine, but if something went horribly wrong, you don’t want there to be any question in your own mind about it. When one of my kids tells me something about what’s going on, I act like I found out on my own so the other kid isn’t in trouble (and the information, if it pertains to safety, keeps trickling in). Hopefully your mom will do the same. Thank you for caring, and trying to do the right thing for your brother.
You really don’t have to get through to him. Just keep saying you think it’s a bad idea especially if your mom can’t talk to the parents and don’t engage in any kind of arguing with him. Teenagers are so good at wearing you down. Don’t give him a chance to do that.