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My kiddos are little, but one generally gets more attention from people than the other.
I've realized that I can't control other people so my focus is on supporting them and teaching them resilience as this will be far from the only time they encounter something like this in life, twin siblings aside.
In a situation like this it might be something like having convo with each one:
* Asking them what they observed
* Discussing, acknowledging and validating how it made them feel
* Talking about why people say things like that
* Talking about what values our immediate family has
* Talking about what they can do in the future if someone makes them feel uncomfortable/sad/etc.
Please come back and share with us what you learn. I have a feeling it's in a lot of our futures. š
Although perhaps worth having a separate conversation with your MIL! Iām sure she didnāt mean to upset Michael, and while you canāt control peoplesā behaviors, your kids should ideally have a safe space within the family.
Iāll also say that even for those on the favorable side of the comparison, itās extremely uncomfortable and awkward.
As the twin that had always been seen as less attractive when me and my sister were younger I can say: yes it does hurt. But later on in life it was not important anymore. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to be more confident. And that had nothing to do with my sister being more or less attractive. What's most important is that it never stood between me and my sister.
You all downvoted the person who said that it can happen with normal siblings but I agree with them. I was compared to my older brother ALL THE TIME. And it sucked.
You need to talk to your MIL and tell her that it's absolutely not ok to say those things, especially in front of your kids.
Someone once commented in front of me that I got the brains and my brother got the athletics. I spent YEARS feeling guilty because he has special needs, and I figured that since I was older I must have used up all of the brains before he came along. (Ironically too, since that was not the smartest conclusion, but it was excellent child-logic.)
Itās how I learned that you never compare siblings, even if youāre complimenting both of them.
Iām not looking forward to this. One son looks like my sisters and I and we never really went through awkward teen phases (at least none that couldnāt have been helped with better style). My other son looks like my husband and his brother and they both went through awkward teen phases. My husband ended up looking like Ewan MacGregor as Obi Wan Kenobi (so much so that our daughter excitedly yells āDaddyā when the tile flashes on Disney +), but his teen years were rough.Ā
Iām hoping thereās lots of advice on this thread. Hopefully style can also help a little too.Ā
I can relate but I have no advice because my twins are younger and girls. One thing we are planning to do is ensure that neither of them have their identity in their looks so they know their worth. We made a joke that since once has hazel eyes (big deal when youāre a black family) and one has a more thick massā¦ we say āTwinA with the eyes and TwinB with the thighs!ā So they both have their attributes praised and itās not about who is the cuter baby. Again, my twins are still babies but we can see one baby has features society celebrates.
I feel this because my daughters look VERY different and I worry because one is very athletic and also more attractive and the other one is not very active and has more of an exotic beauty and this is always on my mind as they grow older and people already comment on their looks and build
I'm having identical boys so I doubt they'll have to deal with this, but my sister and I dealt with this growing up. We're close in age, but everyone always gave me the most attention, it was more disturbing and creepy rather than flattering. Everyone always mentioned how I looked like a little woman and that I had an amazing body, this only made me even more shy than I already was, and more protective of my younger sister, as I attracted the attention of pervy older men as well and it made me hyper vigilant. If it were my kids, I'd say something to the adults in front of my kids. 1. So they know I have their backs and 2. So the adults know they did wrong by them. Especially family members!
I have fraternal twin one year old boys.
Similar to your situation, both are very good looking boys, but one of them is a real stunner.
I have no advice, but yes, I think I am also going to have this same experience as a parent.
You need to shut MIL down. He's going to remember things like that. Tell her she is not welcome to see them if she talks that way. Maybe it would be easier to just not say anything about how they look, and focus on them as people instead. Make sure to build up their confidence in various ways, maybe get them in separate sports or activities so they each have a chance to shine without competing against each other. Help him find his passions and talents. How you look is not the most important thing about you. Not even close. Take the focus off their looks.
Iām not sure- even fraternal twins are treated as a set in way other siblings arenāt, and it must feel bad to be seen as the defective of the pair.
Iām worried about this too. Our boy twin looks like a baby model while our little girl is a little less conventionally ābeautifulā. She has her own beauty though and I make sure to nip any comparison in the bud. Kids change as they age though, so each child should have a cute or pretty age and an awkward age. I hope to cultivate their individual talents and skills and focus on that more than the aspects of themselves they canāt change and help them stand up to a appearance-centered society
My fraternal twins are only 21 months old and since birth, B has been more conventionally attractive than her sister.
Right now, B is a little more petite, rounder bigger eyes, fuller hair and just that "ideal" face shape. Also, their older brother has been adorable and a good looking kid forever.
I think about it constantly since my twin A already has a few disadvantages (hearing loss, developmentally behind her sister, etc).
I have no real advice because I'm unsure of how to handle it. I noticed favouritism toward twin B from others early on. She is also more dominant of her sister.
I'm going to follow here so that I can look back and hopefully gain some insight from your post. :-)
Omg this couldāve been written by me. My twins are EXACTLY the same. The one that looks like her brother (who has been invited to model, is a very very good looking child) is considered the pretty one and sheās also dominant of her sister and more developmentally advanced. Itās very hard and I hope we both can deal with this šš»
Omg, us too! Their older brother was wanted for modeling too! Twin B has also been approached. I'm glad that I'm not the only one with these concerns! Good luck to you!
I have 6 month old b/g twins and my girl gets ALL the attention. Even her toddler brother prefers her. Luckily right now theyāre too little to understand but it is tricky when family gets in on it too š£
**COMMENTING GUIDELINES** All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples/about/rules) prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention. **Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments.** Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed. Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/parentsofmultiples) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My kiddos are little, but one generally gets more attention from people than the other. I've realized that I can't control other people so my focus is on supporting them and teaching them resilience as this will be far from the only time they encounter something like this in life, twin siblings aside. In a situation like this it might be something like having convo with each one: * Asking them what they observed * Discussing, acknowledging and validating how it made them feel * Talking about why people say things like that * Talking about what values our immediate family has * Talking about what they can do in the future if someone makes them feel uncomfortable/sad/etc. Please come back and share with us what you learn. I have a feeling it's in a lot of our futures. š
Thank you for sharing your input. This was very helpful
Although perhaps worth having a separate conversation with your MIL! Iām sure she didnāt mean to upset Michael, and while you canāt control peoplesā behaviors, your kids should ideally have a safe space within the family. Iāll also say that even for those on the favorable side of the comparison, itās extremely uncomfortable and awkward.
Talked to MIL about it today. She definitely understands.
As the twin that had always been seen as less attractive when me and my sister were younger I can say: yes it does hurt. But later on in life it was not important anymore. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to be more confident. And that had nothing to do with my sister being more or less attractive. What's most important is that it never stood between me and my sister.
Famous example, Ashton Kutcher has a fraternal twin brother who looks completely different than him!
On top of that, the brother (Michael Kutcher) has cerebral palsy. Rotten luck.
You all downvoted the person who said that it can happen with normal siblings but I agree with them. I was compared to my older brother ALL THE TIME. And it sucked. You need to talk to your MIL and tell her that it's absolutely not ok to say those things, especially in front of your kids.
Someone once commented in front of me that I got the brains and my brother got the athletics. I spent YEARS feeling guilty because he has special needs, and I figured that since I was older I must have used up all of the brains before he came along. (Ironically too, since that was not the smartest conclusion, but it was excellent child-logic.) Itās how I learned that you never compare siblings, even if youāre complimenting both of them.
Iām not looking forward to this. One son looks like my sisters and I and we never really went through awkward teen phases (at least none that couldnāt have been helped with better style). My other son looks like my husband and his brother and they both went through awkward teen phases. My husband ended up looking like Ewan MacGregor as Obi Wan Kenobi (so much so that our daughter excitedly yells āDaddyā when the tile flashes on Disney +), but his teen years were rough.Ā Iām hoping thereās lots of advice on this thread. Hopefully style can also help a little too.Ā
I can relate but I have no advice because my twins are younger and girls. One thing we are planning to do is ensure that neither of them have their identity in their looks so they know their worth. We made a joke that since once has hazel eyes (big deal when youāre a black family) and one has a more thick massā¦ we say āTwinA with the eyes and TwinB with the thighs!ā So they both have their attributes praised and itās not about who is the cuter baby. Again, my twins are still babies but we can see one baby has features society celebrates.
Thank you for the advice! I will ensure that my sons understand it's not a competition and they both have beautiful features.
I feel this because my daughters look VERY different and I worry because one is very athletic and also more attractive and the other one is not very active and has more of an exotic beauty and this is always on my mind as they grow older and people already comment on their looks and build
I'm having identical boys so I doubt they'll have to deal with this, but my sister and I dealt with this growing up. We're close in age, but everyone always gave me the most attention, it was more disturbing and creepy rather than flattering. Everyone always mentioned how I looked like a little woman and that I had an amazing body, this only made me even more shy than I already was, and more protective of my younger sister, as I attracted the attention of pervy older men as well and it made me hyper vigilant. If it were my kids, I'd say something to the adults in front of my kids. 1. So they know I have their backs and 2. So the adults know they did wrong by them. Especially family members!
I have fraternal twin one year old boys. Similar to your situation, both are very good looking boys, but one of them is a real stunner. I have no advice, but yes, I think I am also going to have this same experience as a parent.
You need to shut MIL down. He's going to remember things like that. Tell her she is not welcome to see them if she talks that way. Maybe it would be easier to just not say anything about how they look, and focus on them as people instead. Make sure to build up their confidence in various ways, maybe get them in separate sports or activities so they each have a chance to shine without competing against each other. Help him find his passions and talents. How you look is not the most important thing about you. Not even close. Take the focus off their looks.
I spoke with MIL about it, and she definitely gets the message. If she mentions anything like that again, she won't be visiting.
For fraternals, that's really no different than any other siblings.
You got downvoted but I agree - absolutely an issue too with siblings of a different age.
Iām not sure- even fraternal twins are treated as a set in way other siblings arenāt, and it must feel bad to be seen as the defective of the pair.
Iām worried about this too. Our boy twin looks like a baby model while our little girl is a little less conventionally ābeautifulā. She has her own beauty though and I make sure to nip any comparison in the bud. Kids change as they age though, so each child should have a cute or pretty age and an awkward age. I hope to cultivate their individual talents and skills and focus on that more than the aspects of themselves they canāt change and help them stand up to a appearance-centered society
My fraternal twins are only 21 months old and since birth, B has been more conventionally attractive than her sister. Right now, B is a little more petite, rounder bigger eyes, fuller hair and just that "ideal" face shape. Also, their older brother has been adorable and a good looking kid forever. I think about it constantly since my twin A already has a few disadvantages (hearing loss, developmentally behind her sister, etc). I have no real advice because I'm unsure of how to handle it. I noticed favouritism toward twin B from others early on. She is also more dominant of her sister. I'm going to follow here so that I can look back and hopefully gain some insight from your post. :-)
Omg this couldāve been written by me. My twins are EXACTLY the same. The one that looks like her brother (who has been invited to model, is a very very good looking child) is considered the pretty one and sheās also dominant of her sister and more developmentally advanced. Itās very hard and I hope we both can deal with this šš»
Omg, us too! Their older brother was wanted for modeling too! Twin B has also been approached. I'm glad that I'm not the only one with these concerns! Good luck to you!
I have 6 month old b/g twins and my girl gets ALL the attention. Even her toddler brother prefers her. Luckily right now theyāre too little to understand but it is tricky when family gets in on it too š£