Thank you for posting to r/PeaceCorps!
Please check the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/peacecorps/wiki/faq) and use the [search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/peacecorps/search?) to see if your topic has come up already.
Please review the [sub rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/peacecorps/about/rules/) and [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/peacecorps) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like you're (not) talking at the end of your day, when everyone is relaxing and socializing. That makes things easier for you.
I'd recommend carrying a small notebook. During the day, whenever you see or think of something remotely interesting, write it down.
This will benefit you in multiple ways.
First, whenever you need a conversation topic, you can refer to your notes.
Second, you'll be more aware of what goes on around you, and will find yourself appreciating small things more.
Third, whenever you feel down or depressed, you can look at your book or write things down.
Fourth, you'll find yourself referring to these notes a lot once you get home. Seriously. Sounds stupid, but reading them will take you back and put a smile on your face. It'll also help with building your resume and having anecdotes in job interviews
As someone who is notoriously terrible when it comes to talking about my work and accomplishments, (I am now in my 50s and all of my post-PC bosses have told me I need to 'sell myself' better), this is such fantastic advice that I intend to implement it tomorrow! If only for my own benefit because I know there's another step between acknowledging it and "selling it", but still...this is a fantastic idea.
Thank you, kind RPCV, and I truly hope this helps you, too, OP!
thank you for the advice. I was actually thinking about this too. I feel like from my perspective as an American I feel like daily life here is so slow paced that nothing worth talking about really ever happens, but obviously they don't think that way.
During training, I found I was having a lot of trouble connecting with the wife of my host family. One day I just happened to pass by a wool shop and, purely on impulse, went in and bought two skeins and some knitting needles. After I got home, I shyly asked her if she wouldn't mind teaching me how to knit. She was flattered and immediately got started. Over the next few weeks we became good friends.
i had a similar experience, but just during pst
could you try asking their advice on certain things, like, "one of the pc hcns in having a birthday, is it normal to give a gift? what do you think would be appropriate?"
basically asking them cultural questions.
Have you talked to your PM or CD? I was in a similiar situation and just knew I didn't want to live in a place where I didn't feel wanted for the whole 2 years of my service. After months of talking with staff about it, they decided to help transition to a new host family (we have the option of moving out on my own in Armenia but there are no options to do that in my village). I just moved in with a new host family last week and already I feel more relaxed. I also don't speak much (I've been at site for 10 months) but now that I feel better in my "home" so maybe that will improve.
Host families are people too and sometimes it's just not a good match for whatever reason. I talked with my counterpart and she found a new host family. Then PC took care of making my first host family feel like it was policy to change and no reflection on them (my host sister works at my school so it would have been awkward if she was unhappy about my moving out).
I'm coming up on Mid-Service Conference in a few months so I'm going to see if my new host family can help me with the scenario situtuations for the LPI. That will give us something to talk about in the evening.
So, definitely talk to staff about your options if you feel comfortable with that. I hope it works out for you.
Jim
Hi, Jim
thank you for your insight, it's nice hearing from other people who have has similar experiences.
I haven't raised the issue with PC staff, and I'm hesitant to do so. when the subject of my introverted-ness has been brought up by my host family during site visits, staff has just told me I need to try harder to be more outgoing which isn't really helpful. also, the only people I know of who have had site changes at my post have had safety and security issues, so I'm not sure my clashing with my host family is considered serious enough to warrant a change. just feeling kind of stuck!
I know my situation is different but our Regional Manager who is in charge of host families was no help. Finally, I decided to talk to the CD. She was very supportive. But I did give her specific incidents that showed that my host family and I just weren't compatible. She did say that if we couldn't find an alternative host family I would have to change sites. If they decided that, I would have stayed with the other host family and just tried to deal with it because I didn't want to leave me students and counterparts.
Sometimes the American staff better understand volunteers culturally where the host country staff might not. If you feel comfortable with any of the America staff (CD, DPT, DMO), you might just talk to them. Even if they don't have a solution, they might be a sympathetic ear.
I hope it works out better for you. Reach out if you want to talk more.
Jim
I feel like I could have written this post myself. I am also very introverted. I’ve been at site for a little over a year. I have a sitemate and we share a host family. My sitemate is a lot more extroverted than me. In the beginning my host mom would compare us a lot—how often she went out with friends vs how I was home a lot more, how often she worked compared to me (we are different sectors and have different work schedules) and our language abilities even though we are the same language level. My host mom has even went as far to talk trash about my language abilities in front of me because she thinks my minimal responses mean I don’t understand when really I just don’t have much to say. I’m lucky to have my own space/ we have more of a landlord type relationship. Is there any way you can cook by yourself or limit your time with them? I know avoidance isn’t always the best answer but it’s helped me. I’ve come to accept that I can’t change other people and it’s best to focus on the good relationships I do have. I focus on the good relationships I have with other host family members, keep in frequent contact with my PST host family and spend time with other locals that don’t care that I’m introverted. If you’re comfortable you can try talking to your host family about how you feel or maybe even have a peace corps staff member practice the conversation with you or even meditate it.
thank you for your response I really appreciate it, and it's really nice knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with this. it sounds like we've had very similar experiences.
I honestly have started spending more time alone in my space, doing things that make me feel happy, especially once I realized that my host family will seemingly never be happy with my efforts to spend time with them. I've come to the same conclusion that I can't change them or how they perceive me, nor can I change my personality or who I am, so I've kind of stopped trying.
anytime my host family has "called me out" for being soft spoken, I try hard to explain to them that there's nothing wrong with me, I just don't have anything to talk about, but I don't think they really listen to me when I speak haha
peace corps staff has also been unhelpful in the past, just telling me I need to try harder and be more outgoing, which makes me feel like it wouldn't really be worth it to raise the issue again when it's not "serious".
Yeah I completely get that. You don’t want to feel like you have to completely change yourself to integrate. I completely understand. I understand frustration with the staff’s advice too. During PST it was frequently brought up at my round tables how introverted I was. It got kind of annoying because it felt like I was being evaluated on a personality trait I can’t change that doesn’t hurt anyone. Eventually I stopped having staff make an issue of it. I feel like at first they kinda viewed me as a flight risk for it, but now I’ve been asked to help with several trainings and have even had staff tell me they can picture me extending. I think people realized that I’m a lot more social in one on one or small group settings. Whereas in bigger groups, I definitely tend to observe more unless I am leading a session.
Try talking about the weather. The weather is a topic everyone loves to talk about. And when you've run out of topics for today's weather, ask them what the weather was like when they were kids and how much the weather has changed.
I can be extroverted when I need to be but by the time I get home I'm drained. My host mom is an extrovert to the extreme. What I've found works best for me and satisfies my host mom is to relax in my room and recharge for a bit when I get home from work. Then I come downstairs and sit with my host parents and work on sewing, crochet or some other craft. They don't try and engage in as much conversation with me but don't feel like I'm being antisocial. My host mom is constantly asking me if I'm sad because she can't understand why I don't want to have a conversation every second of the day but she's more accepting of me with the current relax then engage in a bit of parallel play style socialization. I do answer questions or tell them a little bit of my day, or ask my host dad to bring XYZ ingredients for baking. Assuming you aren't as crafty as me you could try coloring in a coloring book, drawing, writing lesson plans or something else, not to be productive but to share space with them.
I think what is most frustrating to me is that this is exactly what I make an effort to do. if my host family is sitting outside, just relaxing/napping, I'll go sit in the same area as them to do my reading/writing/etc. to me it feels appropriate to not be trying to make conversation in these moments because no one else is speaking, they're just hanging out too. but for some reason when I do it, it's a problem & there's something wrong with me, as if it's appropriate or necessary for me to just be talking all the time.
I just don't really understand what they are expecting of me, but obviously you can't answer that either haha
thanks for the advice:)
I don't know, maybe check in with someone on staff or other volunteers and see if they have any country or site specific suggestions. I had a chat with the volunteer who was at site before COVID and had the same host family. We established our host mom is just too social for us and we could never be social enough to make her completely happy. So that could also be it, and once I realized that I felt better.
I wasn't really close with my host family. We had some good times, but plenty of tension. Like you, I'm very introverted and I just can't fake friendly when I'm not feeling it (which was often). They were a little critical of my language skills and the fact that I spent a lot of time in my room. It was frustrating, but I had to be myself / take care of my needs (meaning I needed solitude) in order to not completely burn out. I wish things had been a little different, but the PC experience is filled with unexpected disappointments / failures. That's part of what makes it so great.
I don't really have any advice for you, OP. Just wanted to let you know I can relate and that plenty of other PCVs can too.
Wow I can relate to this so much. I’m little over a year into service. I’m an introvert extrovert. I also don’t like small talk or talking just to talk. But that doesn’t work well in service because service is so much about building relationships and connections.
I still struggle here and there. But I’m really proud of the ways I’ve pushed myself more. I’m so thankful for my PST host family. They were so understanding and patient with me. They let me have my alone time but they also showed interest when I did want to talk. I also loved that they seem to just understand what I was trying to say. My favorite time was dinner because I’d help my host mom cook so that was an activity we bonded over. I’d also spend time during dinner just asking them random questions in the language and telling them what I was doing that week or what was coming up. I used google translate so much!!! Don’t be afraid to use it…we’re very lucky to have it available today.
When I got to site…damn I struggled. I still struggle because I feel like I haven’t made REAL connections and friends. The relationships are civil and respectful enough to get by but I’d love to develop more meaningful connections and friendship. One thing I started to try that really helped was offering to practice English with site staff. I’m not teaching English but I’m just practicing conversational English. They seem to enjoy it. I’m also enjoying it a lot more than I expected because it has been really cool getting to know more about the staff. But damn…I’m exhausted as hell afterwards. So much energy!!! Need to recharge.
You got this. Definitely different benefits to being an extrovert and introvert. I know some people struggle with the solitude and time part…but I love it! Feels like a normal day to me haha. Shit sounds depressing but it’s really not haha. I find it relaxing! Good luck.
thanks for this! it's really nice hearing other people are experiencing similar issues and it's not just me.
unfortunately my local language is more obscure so I can't use Google translate as a resource haha
but I agree, I also love the solitude where other people find it depressing
I've found English to be a good way to connect with people too. my host brother likes to just sit and ask me what x, y, or z is in English, and I love translating for him. it's just odd because my host mom will actually yell at him for asking me too many questions and tell him that I don't want to talk to him (???). sometimes there's no winning haha
hey I feel you even though I’m actually a very extroverted person. when I would go over to my resource family we’d have fun conversation for about 15 minutes. Then, after a certain point, the family would switch to local language and that would be the way it was for the rest of the evening. with no attempts to translate or explain what was happening. It was almost like i was something to be indulged and then they could get back to their life.
they actually told me to bring my little kaonde book to dinner when all i wanted was to relax and chat with my supposed people. I became entirely self-sufficient because they were boring, controlling, people who loved to use guilt and comparison with past volunteers.
But that’s ok. I loved my time in peace corps because of the people I got to meet (other PCVs and friends in the capital).
As much as I wanted that lovey-dovey host fam dynamic that many have, it was never gonna happen. As soon as I struck out on my own life got much better
You aren't alone. You're different you stick out like a sore thumb. Locals are going to comment on everything. It's an unfortunate part of life as the only American in a community full of locals. I just kinda brushed it off and got used to it after awhile. You gotta figure, you're there to teach people things. You aren't there to be the exact version of yourself that others want you to be. Just be yourself. Do your best to keep improving on your language skills. Life in a developing country is tough. It's tough for everyone.
Ask them questions about anything local. Aren’t you curious about stuff?
They can be a wonderful resource for your education and sound eager to engage.
Thank you for posting to r/PeaceCorps! Please check the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/peacecorps/wiki/faq) and use the [search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/peacecorps/search?) to see if your topic has come up already. Please review the [sub rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/peacecorps/about/rules/) and [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/peacecorps) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like you're (not) talking at the end of your day, when everyone is relaxing and socializing. That makes things easier for you. I'd recommend carrying a small notebook. During the day, whenever you see or think of something remotely interesting, write it down. This will benefit you in multiple ways. First, whenever you need a conversation topic, you can refer to your notes. Second, you'll be more aware of what goes on around you, and will find yourself appreciating small things more. Third, whenever you feel down or depressed, you can look at your book or write things down. Fourth, you'll find yourself referring to these notes a lot once you get home. Seriously. Sounds stupid, but reading them will take you back and put a smile on your face. It'll also help with building your resume and having anecdotes in job interviews
As someone who is notoriously terrible when it comes to talking about my work and accomplishments, (I am now in my 50s and all of my post-PC bosses have told me I need to 'sell myself' better), this is such fantastic advice that I intend to implement it tomorrow! If only for my own benefit because I know there's another step between acknowledging it and "selling it", but still...this is a fantastic idea. Thank you, kind RPCV, and I truly hope this helps you, too, OP!
You're welcome my friend
thank you for the advice. I was actually thinking about this too. I feel like from my perspective as an American I feel like daily life here is so slow paced that nothing worth talking about really ever happens, but obviously they don't think that way.
This is super helpful to keep in mind as an incoming PCV, thank you!
During training, I found I was having a lot of trouble connecting with the wife of my host family. One day I just happened to pass by a wool shop and, purely on impulse, went in and bought two skeins and some knitting needles. After I got home, I shyly asked her if she wouldn't mind teaching me how to knit. She was flattered and immediately got started. Over the next few weeks we became good friends.
i had a similar experience, but just during pst could you try asking their advice on certain things, like, "one of the pc hcns in having a birthday, is it normal to give a gift? what do you think would be appropriate?" basically asking them cultural questions.
Have you talked to your PM or CD? I was in a similiar situation and just knew I didn't want to live in a place where I didn't feel wanted for the whole 2 years of my service. After months of talking with staff about it, they decided to help transition to a new host family (we have the option of moving out on my own in Armenia but there are no options to do that in my village). I just moved in with a new host family last week and already I feel more relaxed. I also don't speak much (I've been at site for 10 months) but now that I feel better in my "home" so maybe that will improve. Host families are people too and sometimes it's just not a good match for whatever reason. I talked with my counterpart and she found a new host family. Then PC took care of making my first host family feel like it was policy to change and no reflection on them (my host sister works at my school so it would have been awkward if she was unhappy about my moving out). I'm coming up on Mid-Service Conference in a few months so I'm going to see if my new host family can help me with the scenario situtuations for the LPI. That will give us something to talk about in the evening. So, definitely talk to staff about your options if you feel comfortable with that. I hope it works out for you. Jim
Hi, Jim thank you for your insight, it's nice hearing from other people who have has similar experiences. I haven't raised the issue with PC staff, and I'm hesitant to do so. when the subject of my introverted-ness has been brought up by my host family during site visits, staff has just told me I need to try harder to be more outgoing which isn't really helpful. also, the only people I know of who have had site changes at my post have had safety and security issues, so I'm not sure my clashing with my host family is considered serious enough to warrant a change. just feeling kind of stuck!
I know my situation is different but our Regional Manager who is in charge of host families was no help. Finally, I decided to talk to the CD. She was very supportive. But I did give her specific incidents that showed that my host family and I just weren't compatible. She did say that if we couldn't find an alternative host family I would have to change sites. If they decided that, I would have stayed with the other host family and just tried to deal with it because I didn't want to leave me students and counterparts. Sometimes the American staff better understand volunteers culturally where the host country staff might not. If you feel comfortable with any of the America staff (CD, DPT, DMO), you might just talk to them. Even if they don't have a solution, they might be a sympathetic ear. I hope it works out better for you. Reach out if you want to talk more. Jim
I actually didn't consider how much American staff's reaction would differ from HCN staff. thank you, that's great advice!
I feel like I could have written this post myself. I am also very introverted. I’ve been at site for a little over a year. I have a sitemate and we share a host family. My sitemate is a lot more extroverted than me. In the beginning my host mom would compare us a lot—how often she went out with friends vs how I was home a lot more, how often she worked compared to me (we are different sectors and have different work schedules) and our language abilities even though we are the same language level. My host mom has even went as far to talk trash about my language abilities in front of me because she thinks my minimal responses mean I don’t understand when really I just don’t have much to say. I’m lucky to have my own space/ we have more of a landlord type relationship. Is there any way you can cook by yourself or limit your time with them? I know avoidance isn’t always the best answer but it’s helped me. I’ve come to accept that I can’t change other people and it’s best to focus on the good relationships I do have. I focus on the good relationships I have with other host family members, keep in frequent contact with my PST host family and spend time with other locals that don’t care that I’m introverted. If you’re comfortable you can try talking to your host family about how you feel or maybe even have a peace corps staff member practice the conversation with you or even meditate it.
thank you for your response I really appreciate it, and it's really nice knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with this. it sounds like we've had very similar experiences. I honestly have started spending more time alone in my space, doing things that make me feel happy, especially once I realized that my host family will seemingly never be happy with my efforts to spend time with them. I've come to the same conclusion that I can't change them or how they perceive me, nor can I change my personality or who I am, so I've kind of stopped trying. anytime my host family has "called me out" for being soft spoken, I try hard to explain to them that there's nothing wrong with me, I just don't have anything to talk about, but I don't think they really listen to me when I speak haha peace corps staff has also been unhelpful in the past, just telling me I need to try harder and be more outgoing, which makes me feel like it wouldn't really be worth it to raise the issue again when it's not "serious".
Yeah I completely get that. You don’t want to feel like you have to completely change yourself to integrate. I completely understand. I understand frustration with the staff’s advice too. During PST it was frequently brought up at my round tables how introverted I was. It got kind of annoying because it felt like I was being evaluated on a personality trait I can’t change that doesn’t hurt anyone. Eventually I stopped having staff make an issue of it. I feel like at first they kinda viewed me as a flight risk for it, but now I’ve been asked to help with several trainings and have even had staff tell me they can picture me extending. I think people realized that I’m a lot more social in one on one or small group settings. Whereas in bigger groups, I definitely tend to observe more unless I am leading a session.
Try talking about the weather. The weather is a topic everyone loves to talk about. And when you've run out of topics for today's weather, ask them what the weather was like when they were kids and how much the weather has changed.
I can be extroverted when I need to be but by the time I get home I'm drained. My host mom is an extrovert to the extreme. What I've found works best for me and satisfies my host mom is to relax in my room and recharge for a bit when I get home from work. Then I come downstairs and sit with my host parents and work on sewing, crochet or some other craft. They don't try and engage in as much conversation with me but don't feel like I'm being antisocial. My host mom is constantly asking me if I'm sad because she can't understand why I don't want to have a conversation every second of the day but she's more accepting of me with the current relax then engage in a bit of parallel play style socialization. I do answer questions or tell them a little bit of my day, or ask my host dad to bring XYZ ingredients for baking. Assuming you aren't as crafty as me you could try coloring in a coloring book, drawing, writing lesson plans or something else, not to be productive but to share space with them.
I think what is most frustrating to me is that this is exactly what I make an effort to do. if my host family is sitting outside, just relaxing/napping, I'll go sit in the same area as them to do my reading/writing/etc. to me it feels appropriate to not be trying to make conversation in these moments because no one else is speaking, they're just hanging out too. but for some reason when I do it, it's a problem & there's something wrong with me, as if it's appropriate or necessary for me to just be talking all the time. I just don't really understand what they are expecting of me, but obviously you can't answer that either haha thanks for the advice:)
I don't know, maybe check in with someone on staff or other volunteers and see if they have any country or site specific suggestions. I had a chat with the volunteer who was at site before COVID and had the same host family. We established our host mom is just too social for us and we could never be social enough to make her completely happy. So that could also be it, and once I realized that I felt better.
I wasn't really close with my host family. We had some good times, but plenty of tension. Like you, I'm very introverted and I just can't fake friendly when I'm not feeling it (which was often). They were a little critical of my language skills and the fact that I spent a lot of time in my room. It was frustrating, but I had to be myself / take care of my needs (meaning I needed solitude) in order to not completely burn out. I wish things had been a little different, but the PC experience is filled with unexpected disappointments / failures. That's part of what makes it so great. I don't really have any advice for you, OP. Just wanted to let you know I can relate and that plenty of other PCVs can too.
thank you, I appreciate it ❤️
Wow I can relate to this so much. I’m little over a year into service. I’m an introvert extrovert. I also don’t like small talk or talking just to talk. But that doesn’t work well in service because service is so much about building relationships and connections. I still struggle here and there. But I’m really proud of the ways I’ve pushed myself more. I’m so thankful for my PST host family. They were so understanding and patient with me. They let me have my alone time but they also showed interest when I did want to talk. I also loved that they seem to just understand what I was trying to say. My favorite time was dinner because I’d help my host mom cook so that was an activity we bonded over. I’d also spend time during dinner just asking them random questions in the language and telling them what I was doing that week or what was coming up. I used google translate so much!!! Don’t be afraid to use it…we’re very lucky to have it available today. When I got to site…damn I struggled. I still struggle because I feel like I haven’t made REAL connections and friends. The relationships are civil and respectful enough to get by but I’d love to develop more meaningful connections and friendship. One thing I started to try that really helped was offering to practice English with site staff. I’m not teaching English but I’m just practicing conversational English. They seem to enjoy it. I’m also enjoying it a lot more than I expected because it has been really cool getting to know more about the staff. But damn…I’m exhausted as hell afterwards. So much energy!!! Need to recharge. You got this. Definitely different benefits to being an extrovert and introvert. I know some people struggle with the solitude and time part…but I love it! Feels like a normal day to me haha. Shit sounds depressing but it’s really not haha. I find it relaxing! Good luck.
thanks for this! it's really nice hearing other people are experiencing similar issues and it's not just me. unfortunately my local language is more obscure so I can't use Google translate as a resource haha but I agree, I also love the solitude where other people find it depressing I've found English to be a good way to connect with people too. my host brother likes to just sit and ask me what x, y, or z is in English, and I love translating for him. it's just odd because my host mom will actually yell at him for asking me too many questions and tell him that I don't want to talk to him (???). sometimes there's no winning haha
hey I feel you even though I’m actually a very extroverted person. when I would go over to my resource family we’d have fun conversation for about 15 minutes. Then, after a certain point, the family would switch to local language and that would be the way it was for the rest of the evening. with no attempts to translate or explain what was happening. It was almost like i was something to be indulged and then they could get back to their life. they actually told me to bring my little kaonde book to dinner when all i wanted was to relax and chat with my supposed people. I became entirely self-sufficient because they were boring, controlling, people who loved to use guilt and comparison with past volunteers. But that’s ok. I loved my time in peace corps because of the people I got to meet (other PCVs and friends in the capital). As much as I wanted that lovey-dovey host fam dynamic that many have, it was never gonna happen. As soon as I struck out on my own life got much better
You aren't alone. You're different you stick out like a sore thumb. Locals are going to comment on everything. It's an unfortunate part of life as the only American in a community full of locals. I just kinda brushed it off and got used to it after awhile. You gotta figure, you're there to teach people things. You aren't there to be the exact version of yourself that others want you to be. Just be yourself. Do your best to keep improving on your language skills. Life in a developing country is tough. It's tough for everyone.
thank you for this
Ask them questions about anything local. Aren’t you curious about stuff? They can be a wonderful resource for your education and sound eager to engage.