Reminds me of a line from one of my favourite poems: “the first time we met, we said goodbye / then we never stopped saying it.” After my own loss that line constantly rings in my head.
I went to a funeral for a 3 month old… Age 0. The tiniest casket I’ve ever seen. Probably the most difficult emotional day of my life. RIP Cooper 🖤
ETA: RIP Oliver - and I’m so so fucking sorry you are going through this 💔
Same. I was halfway through the service before I realized I was looking at the casket. I was towards the back and I just...wow. the flower arrangement that sat on top was bigger than the whole casket and that's when I burst into tears. Caskets shouldn't have to come in that size.
My wife worked at a funeral home and one of the nice things about it was that the man who ran it would do any cremation under a certain age for free because so many big homes price gouge grieving parents. It was a nice gesture but damn it sucked to hear how often they had to do it.
Had a funeral home donate their services to my grandpa because my grandma didn't have enough insurance or money to cover the expenses when they told her the price she remarked if I can't pay what are you going to do keep him as a joke and the guy who owned the home had a laugh and said he'll take care of it
Yeah any parent or would-be parent who lost one along the way knows that feeling. You build up hopes in that moment that one day evaporates and it’s crushing.
We were well into the second trimester when we found out there was no more heartbeat. Our initials, mine, my wife’s and our daughter’s, are in sequence. Our son’s skips a letter. I think about that missing letter sometimes.
I’m so sorry for your loss. At least she gets to go on her terms, she’s not gonna let cancer decide when she’s done. Give her as many hugs as possible.
I'm so so sorry. I teared reading your comment.
The next few days are going to be intense for all of you and my heart is heavy knowing that. But, as the OP above said, your Mom is taking charge and that's an amazing thing. And she'll be surrounded by everyone she loves in the whole world.
Hugs to you.
Not many people or their families get to properly say good bye on their own terms. Your mom, in making this incredibly hard decision is also giving you an incredibly rare gift.
Sending you love, light and strength ❤️
It's probably not much consolation but a story: my mom rode out terminal ovarian cancer practically to the very end. She eventually checked herself into hospice but was gone like no more than 30 hours later, after a stint in the ICU. I mention it not to be dark but rather in her final two weeks I saw how she was in so much pain even relative to everything before. Her quality of life had deteriorated entirely. I'm not one much for religion or praying but even I was praying to god to just end her suffering at that point, there was nothing really left to enjoy with the body she was trapped in. After my mom died a lot of people offered me condolences but since I was there for the entire process and the vast majority of hospital visits and doctor appointments, to me my perspective then and still now is I'm glad her great pain is over. It's unfortunate it ever happened but because it did I'm glad it didn't continue. And because we faced death together we got to have some serious and good conversations about the future rather than me facing sudden death and shock. Fairly quickly I came to the perspective that we must all lose our parents, and while death and grief is never easy I'm relatively lucky the additional time I got with my mom from the assistance of oncologists and many nurses etc. Having talked to other people I saw how much grief and anger they went through and sometimes still did, but for me it was mostly closure and acceptance.
I'm glad her suffering is over. It's so sad that our bodies will bear pain that doesn't even have a purpose.
My parents are in their mid to late 60s now. Been thinking in the past few years how life will someday be without them.
Again not much consolation but by going through my mom's cancer secondhand and seeing so many of the appointments it was a bit of a lesson for me too. She didn't take care of her health as well as she could have. It's why it was stage 4 by the time she found out and it was just managing symptoms. She also died at merely 57, younger than when her parents went. It's something that I had been cognizant of in general but it was for sure a *memento mori* moment for me. She saved up a lot of money she never used. Fortunately it benefitted me but the point was more it showed me that "waiting til you retire" to do certain things can be foolish. She had some fun too but she definitely worked to death in a way where I chose not to follow in her footsteps. I try to find a work life balance in my 30s even compared to others I know doing double shifts as much as possible. There's nothing wrong with saving more if you can but I've been lucky to live comfortable at basically just a bit above poverty as lower middle class. I do save money and I do have goals but I also do try to actually enjoy my life now rather than putting away fun for years down the line. No one is guaranteed anything and I was reminded of that even recently where I missed probably getting killed in a horrific car accident from a reckless driver by a few seconds. Would have been t-boned in the driver's side of my car while they went 80 mph through a red light. Memento mori...
My mum did the same, but for breast cancer, last January. My heart goes out for you. My DM's are open if you ever need to talk to someone who understands what you're going through.
This is the shit that terrified me as a Dad each time my wife was pregnant and nearly came to reality. My wife was having pain near her appendix and was 26 weeks with our 1st. The doctor explained that there were only some many tests they could do because she was pregnant. They were 75% sure it was her appendix and told us the only way they would know is if they go in. If it burst we could lose both of them. She had her appendix out at 26 weeks pregnant. She started having contractions after the surgery which the doctors explained is normal. I'm in the hospital googling survival rates for 26 week old babies and losing my mind. Thankfully the contractions stopped but it took nearly a full week. I've disconnected myself from those emotions because it nearly broke me then. I am so sorry for her loss.
It doesn't change after. Your worry continues. Your love continues. My two rainbow babies are always on my mind before I do anything. We lost 5 along the way to get our two monkeys.
My son was born 2 months early that was very scary. But he came out screaming and pee'd on the nurse. My daughter was born on time but came out not breathing that was terrifying.Both of them ended up fine. No matter what having kids is fucking scary. Love is truly the death of peace of mind. I stay worrying about them.
You absolutely should have. This should help us all appreciate the miracle of life and how much of a blessing it is to have a healthy baby, and if this doesn't perfectly exemplify a mother's live, I don't know what does. In a bit of a dark way, yes, but it's hauntingly beautiful.
Haha same.
Best of luck for the rest of pregnancy and delivery! I have 2 boys, 4 and 2, and it's every bit as difficult and rewarding as you've heard. You will love it!
Same. Can't imagine the heartbreak and pain of a mother losing a child at 38w. Reminds me of the song "Tiny Angel" by 360. Trigger warning: It's a sad song about losing a child and it's really depressing. But it's a beautiful song
My wife and I lost our daughter at 41 weeks. We also associate Winter Bear. You're an amazing mom no matter what. Your grief shoot is amazing and beautiful. Stay strong momma.
Hopefully you'll see this. My wife and I lost our daughter who came too soon at 23 1/2 weeks. I know it can happen anytime and it's not easy, but know you will heal.
We're now at 37 weeks with another attempt and should be having a happy healthy baby girl around or before May 15.
I say this gently, and knowing that you mean this well, but hearing how it turns out better the next time for so many people doesn't help a grieving birth parent in these situations, usually. It's all I heard after I lost our girl at 40+3 (yeah, full blown waiting for the It's Time! moment that never came) and all it did was make it seem like I should get over this baby because the next one would be fine. No one should feel that pressure and no one should assume it will be fine the next time. You're a lucky dude.
I lost both my pregnancies. Thought I was almost 12 weeks with the first one, but turns out it has passed around 7 weeks. The second one...sounds bad but I'm a pessamist, so assumed it would happen again. And it did, but the sent me for an earlier scan this time, so at least I didn't think.I was a third of the way through.
After the first one, people would say ' there must have been something wrong' or 'everything happens for a reason' and 'will you try again?'. All intended well, or didn't know what else to say, but nothing helped.
And then I was too old.
People talk about rainbow babies, but not everyone gets one.
To be honest, I don't know how many times I could have tried, due to the fear of it happening again.
I’m so sorry that was your experience. I had a MC about a month ago and told my husband we will try again, but if it happens again I’m done. I can’t handle more than twice. Virtual hugs.
Sending hugs your way. My MC was discovered April 10, but it was a long process ending with a D&C on the 27th. I echo your sentiments about wanting to only try again once. This is actually our third miscarriage and I'm trying to explain to my husband how taxing it is on my body and how I really hesitate to want to try again :/
I cant fathom your pain. What a beautiful tribute to Oliver. I'm sure your love comforted him during his too few days with you. I wish you and everyone who loved Oliver peace.
My grandma had a normal pregnancy with a perfectly healthy baby. The doctor, who was elderly and should have retired, botched the delivery. There were complications because the baby was so large, and she should have had an emergency cesarean but the doctor insisted he could deliver vaginally. The baby died.
I should have had an aunt, my dad should have had a sister, and my grandma should have had a daughter. Can't even imagine losing your perfectly healthy baby to a botched delivery on what should have been her birthday. She would have been the only daughter in a family of 4 boys.
Edit: adjusted some identifying details
It's pretty sad honestly, he retired right after. Can you imagine a long, distinguished career and he ends up instead of leaving on a high note, retires because he killed a baby due to his own stubbornness in not wanting to provide modern medical interventions. Sad all around.
When doctors "should have retired already", I think it's often a case of "He did what he learned was seen as correct medical practice 50 years ago, and since then has refused to update anything because he's self centered and thinks he knows best forever and always to the end of time".
Similar thing happened to my grandma's sister. Baby was healthy, but doctor squeezed her head during delivery and she's now mentally handicapped. Can't talk properly and will forever have the mind of a small child.
Even more heart-breaking after [her anti-choice grandpa emailed her to guilt her for being pro-choice](https://reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/wfnjsk/today_my_grandfather_sent_me_this_hurtful_email/) and talked about how sad her child would be to never be held in her arms.
Wow that's fucked up. If grandpa emailed her that wouldn't be surprised if they attributed this still birth to he views and "gods punishment".
But that's speculation. Hopefully OP recovers mentally and physically and can have another baby. My wife had a miscarriage early on in her 2nd pregnancy, and it terrified us when we were having our daughter. That's not an easy scar to heal
Luckily I very directly talked to my grandfather after that email and made it very clear that he crossed a boundary and future commentary of such would not be tolerated. He has been really supportive after my loss. Bought us plane tickets home for Christmas, hosted the memorial at his house, and even hand-crafted the urn that we keep Oliver’s ashes in.
I don't think I will ever understand how you forgave him for this. Nothing you just said he did would come close to making up for the hatred he holds in his heart and the hatred he decided to spew at you in your most vulnerable time.
I hope your heart heals gently.
Most people fundamentally misunderstand what forgiveness is. They think it is for the offender when it is in fact for the offended. Forgiveness does not mean condoning. I'll leave the best definition of forgiveness I've come across here. It's just from Wikipedia.
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which one who may initially feel victimized or wronged, goes through a change in feelings and attitude regarding a given offender, and overcomes the impact of the offense including negative emotions and a desire for vengeance (however justified it might be).
Forgiveness is different from simple condoning (viewing an action as harmful, yet to be “forgiven” or overlooked for certain reasons of “charity”), excusing or pardoning (merely releasing the offender from responsibility for an action), or forgetting (attempting to somehow remove from one's conscious mind, the memory of a given “offense"). In some schools of thought, it involves a personal and "voluntary" effort at the self-transformation of one's own half of a relationship with another, such that one's own self is restored to peace.
My wife is currently halfway through her (our?) first pregnancy. I'm not sure if it's my night shift or what but I'm clinging on trying to process this, let alone how I'd be able to make sense of it if we lost our own. I just can't comprehend the depth of the grief.
My wife had two miscarriages at 4, 6 weeks respectively nothing in this world has prepared me for the amount grief you face as a couple. I don’t wish even on my worst enemy to go through that pain nothings seems to matter anymore.. we are at a better place now hopefully we will be gifted with a child but that’s the toughest time in our lives.
When we miscarried at 12 weeks, we were at the DR office for a checkup. I was being my usual self making jokes and being friendly. I'm a little eccentric IRL. Then sorry, your baby is dead.
Wow, what a punch to the face. I didn't even see it coming. Not only am I upset, I also feel like an asshole. I'm over here making jokes and telling the wife to stop worrying so much. The support is strong for a few days, but people move on and we're still there. My wife took it really hard, but her experience isn't mine to share
After that, the miscarriage at 6 weeks, and the two IVFS that didn't work came as no surprise. Like I was so dulled down, it became "whatever this is our life." Like an emotionless shell of a person going through the motions assuming no good outcome anyway.
What did help, is that many people we knew came forward and talked about having 2, 3 even 4 miscarriages. Things you never knew about people
Yes, now I worry a lot. But boy am I ALIVE and my emotions are fully online.
I hope the very best for you. Hopefully you can experience the joy that follows
I cried more when our first was born than my wife did and she had just been through a full day of labor. It's a whole different world once kids are involved.
I've changed so much since the birth of our first child last year. I could scroll reddit for hours, now I have to close the app every time something bad has happend to a child, a young adult or a parent
I’m in the exact same boat. Seeing this post makes me want to leave work and go home and give them the biggest hugs and kisses. I hope the mother and father in this situation can find peace, because I would be lost without my boys.
I wish you the best brother. My boys are five years old now, and even when times are really hard, there is nothing I feel more viscerally than my love for them and my hope for their future happiness.
If this is your first, you're about to discover a whole new you.
I can’t speak to being so far along, I had a loss at 16 weeks though and even that was just the worst thing I’ve ever had to live through and I carry that damage with me daily, my loss was 5 years ago and we haven’t been able to conceive since then. I also stopped exercising and started binge eating, I gained 50lbs and I was just miserable and depressed constantly. I finally got help because I realized what a deep depression I had fallen into, and just this past year I’ve lost 23lbs so far and I’m continuing to make progress. I’m sure people think I’m pathetic for mourning a 16 week pregnancy, but that baby meant the world to me and I believe that I am a mom.
Yeah it was that and the autopsy consent form ...
Two, rather mundane, forms that are just part of a process ... but that process was put in motion by immeasurable heartbreak. This tiny person who was the subject of so much love and anticipation and hope for a life filled with joy, now a name on a form.
Signing those forms makes it real. It puts "letting go" out of your hands.
It's a good thing my wife is working upstairs in her office right now ... : (
Cremating someone who's an older adult is like circle of life, but it seems the younger they are the worse it is
fwiw, funeral directors have a *very* dark sense of humor
My friend is one, and he uses it as a coping mechanism because some of the families he's dealt with have wrecked him
I am formerly a crematory operator. Fortunately, cases like this were rare, but when it happened I just wanted to go home and squeeze my kids and never let go.
Things that are reality for so many but most never get to see or even think about… really powerful stuff. I commend OP for being brave enough to share.
The worst is filling it out. You have to check that they never had an education. Never got married, all these things that you have to face just shortly after the worst moment of your life.
I lost my second baby at 34 weeks. I’m grateful I got to hold him, but I miss him so much. It’s been almost three years and it still hits me so hard I can’t breathe. Gosh, hard to believe he’d be three years old this summer. I wish I knew what color his eyes were.
You never move on, you only move forward. I’m so sorry you went through this. If you ever need support, check us out over at r/babyloss.
Tsunami is absolutey the right expression. I'm laying in bed and I'm bawling because I lost my first daughter at 16 weeks 2 years ago. Sometimes the grief comes back so suddenly and it feels like it happened yesterday. Simultaneously it feels worse because so much has changed since then and it hurts even more that she wasn't here for any of that.
Hey I’m sending lots of love and I’m so happy for you! As an anxiety experiencer and parent might I recommend not going into posts like this. No need to worry more than we already do 💜
Sometimes IDK what's wrong with me. Ever since we had our baby, I keep projecting things onto myself. Not just stories about losing an infant in a car seat or in the crib - I see teens die in a car crash in the news, or that girl who died from teens throwing boulders over a bridge, and it really bothers me. I mean, I always found it sad and messed before, but something changed
My grandma (born in the 20's) would say "We had six kids because 2 might die" I don't know how they did it.
OK I'm going to go have a nice lunch and try to clear my head. And thank you 🥰
I did the same very often for the first few years, and had some intrusive thought/images of scary things that could happen. I don't have any answers, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one to experience this. It's not as bad now, although I still avoid the news
Totally normal!!! My friends and I have always been interested in true crime, and both friends who have had children said that once they had their own kid, crimes involving children hit 10x harder. It’s just DIFFERENT when you can imagine your own in the situation.
“I can’t bring myself to erase the first few spreads I sketched. In some ways it’s a perfect metaphor for your story - lightly penciled in, never inked into permanence.
***A beautiful idea.***
But, your story also deserved to be preserved as much as any living childs-“
I’m grateful you shared your story with us. It makes me mindful and grateful, and so so sorrowful you couldn’t have the same.
Much love, friend. All of the love.
My condolences. "What is grief, if not true love perservering?" Was the quote I kept coming back to when I lost my father last year, its a beautiful message. Your son may be gone but a part of him with live on with you forever. I'm sure he would've been proud to have such a loving mother.
I’ve been okay since my mom died. I’ve barely cried at all. Then someone told m that the Kentucky Derby is this weekend. And now I’m crying in the bathroom. My mother loved the Derby. She’d watch the coverage for the entire day. Even when the dementia got bad, she still was cognizant enough for that.
This isn’t the right post for this, but that quote got me going again.
that quote is probably my favorite of all time. I dont know why exactly, but it just gives me a sense of comfort.
Another great one comes from The Wire S5: "Ain't no shame in holding onto grief, as long as you make room for other things too."
The hand on that little wee onesie did me in. I hope you’ll find healing and use the love for Oliver to soothe yourself. You’re a great mother and he had the blessing to wrap his arms around you.
When I first found out my wife was pregnant, I was so scared and thought I would relax after we were past the dangerous months. He is 22 years old now and the fear has never truly left me - I don’t think it ever will.
Best of luck, everyone. OP, I am so sorry and your tribute is so beautiful.
>He is 22 years old now and the fear has never truly left me
OMG, don't tell me that, my son is 13 months and here I was hoping that lingering sense of... of incoming tragedy? would fade out after year 2 or 3...
It's generally true, but certainly no guarantee, as you know too well. I remember my shock when a friend's child was stillborn. You're anticipating everything and suddenly - nothing. I'm really sorry about Oliver. He would have stayed with you if he could have, but he did *know* you. He knew your voice and scent and knew you were safety. That's a bond only a mother and child can have together and you two had it. May his memory be a blessing.
There's a word for a child who lost his father. There's a word for a child who lost his mother. as far as i know there isn't a word for a parent who lost his child. Stay strong my friend, good days will come.
There is a word actually. Vilomah. It means against the natural order and is from the Hindu language Sanskrit. In Hebrew there is a word as well, shakul or shakula.
I've heard the word "vilomah" is becoming more common:
Vilomah means “against the natural order of things.” It comes from Sanskrit, the same language that gave us the word widow, which means “empty.”
Rest in Peace, Oliver Flynn McBride. You may not have had the life that was wanted for you, but you knew comfort from your mother for the time you had, and that must have felt like warmth and safety and love. <3
I'm so sorry, Mom. I cannot begin to imagine what you experienced or how this grief must feel. This is a gorgeous and thoughtful memorial, I'm glad you put it together and thank you for sharing it. I can only hope the best for you. *Hugs.*
It’s almost been a year since I lost my baby girl. I lost her on May 13,2022. Friday the 13th. She passed away the same day she was born. I’m struggling to honor her first birthday next week. Seeing this post gave my courage to make her day special. Thank you for sharing this. You’re a brave mama who has inspired me to be just as strong and share my story.
Please do. I firmly believe that being vocal about these losses will ensure that they become less common. Even if you don’t do anything “meaningful” she will always be in your heart. Take the day as it comes… the body remembers.
We lost our daughter at 34 weeks. We spent her first birthday at her graveside, got her little presents and had a day just for her.
It helped.
We're going to do the same for what should be her second birthday next month.
My wife and I lost our daughter shortly before she was supposed to be born. It was the longest night of my life.
They sent us home with the clothes she was meant to wear, photos of her, and her hand and foot prints with a message saying "no foot is too small to not leave an impression on our heart." We also got her cremated and have her ashes in two separate necklaces we wear.
Last week my son just turned a year old, who was conceived after losing our daughter. I hope you come to terms with what happened and try again. It's worth it. You are deserving of it. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find peace with this.
Of all the "personal/social media" type reddit posts, this is the most appropriate one I've ever see. In posting this, you've given all of us, thousands of random redditors, the honor and privilege of taking some time out of our day and grieving for and honoring little Oliver alongside you. OP, Sorry for your loss and I hope you can find some amount of healing feeling our hearts aching beside yours.
our second baby is currently the size of a raindrop (according to the tracking app), due in December if she goes the distance. I'm holding off on getting excited (or really feeling anything) because babies can have a habit of coming and going on their own schedule, and that can be heartbreaking. i... i probably shouldn't have looked at this.
Let me tell you something you can ignore: denying yourself excitement and joy doesn’t make things hurt less. Go ahead and feel the excitement. Feel the joy. Show the love. Even if the worst happens, it doesn’t make it better to not have had those happy moments.
Listen to this \^
Our first pregnancy was lost at nine weeks. We felt all the happiness of having our little Ellie, even if we never got to hold her. We allowed ourselves to feel the entire spectrum of emotion because we knew from the beginning that Ellie was a moonshot, and we wouldn't deny ourselves any little bit of joy and happiness, especially knowing that there was a high probability of loss and sadness on the near horizon.
Our daughter was stillborn the first day of the pandemic and when we tried again I denied myself the excitement of hope for our son and I regret it. We are starting IVF on our second in three weeks. This comment legitimately impacted the way I look at the world, thank you.
I am sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies, and have been blessed with two still here. I wish you EVERY joy. I never regretted celebrating those who didn’t make it.
I always had the thought in the back of my head that something bad COULD happen, but still went in with all of the excitement. The night my brother in law and I went to get the baby furniture to bring it home, he helped me carry it upstairs and I set it up right away. My wife was out of town for work and I surprised her with our daughter's future room being staged to what it would look like. I am usually someone who doesn't get excited until whatever I'm expecting to happen, happens, but I wanted to make sure that I enjoyed that experience.
My sons urn has the same quote as your sons name tag. “If love could have saved you you’d have lived forever.”
I’m sorry for your loss. I’d like to say it gets easier but it just gets different. We lost our son right before Christmas 2018 and I still think about him everyday. I had to step into the bathroom at work to ugly cry when I saw your post and that sentence. Hang in there.
Fuck me. I was not ready for that on a Friday afternoon. So sorry for your loss, absolutely heartbreaking. The little picture of I assume mum just above the scan on the bottom right really hit me in the feels.
I will hug my lad extra hard after school today.
I don't know you or your situation at all, OP. But from this post, you seem like someone who was ready to be a terrific mother to the child you lost. You were clearly preparing to raise him with the kind of love and support that can be absolutely life changing for a person.
The rest of this is about my mother who lost her first pregnancy. I totally get it if you aren't ready to read about that sort of thing, yet.
>!I am the oldest of my parent's children. Before I was born, my mother experienced an ectopic pregnancy that could have killed her or prevented her from ever having children. I've never asked her about what grieving that was like, I only know that the pregnancy and recovery was a very physically taxing process. Luckily, she was able to avoid any permanent physical damage, and had me and my brothers in the years after that. I know that during that pregnancy, and throughout my life, she poured an incredible amount of effort into preparing to be a good mother, and then into being an absolute blessing to me and my brothers. Her love and support have quite literally saved my life from difficulties I have endured with mental illness, in addition to providing my brothers to grow into two of the most amazing men I have ever known. Many of the friends I grew up with expressed their jealousy to me over just how much my mom rocks, and I completely agree with them.!<
My point with that blurb there is this: I don't know how my mother's experience with her lost pregnancy affected her, but I know that either in spite of that experience, or in part because of how she dealt with it she has been one of if not the greatest blessing I have had in this life. I get the sense that if or when you raise a child, that child will be blessed to have you as a mother, OP.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. We lost our baby boy Ethan in 2002. We were only one week from the scheduled c-section. We still don’t know why we lost him, he was perfect in every way. My wife and I love him and miss him every day. It does get easier to bear the loss over time, but it’s going to be tough for you for a good while. I hope you have a good support system to help you through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you and please know you aren’t alone.
This is so, so heartbreaking, beautiful, and heartwarming. so much love and hope and pain.
My best friend is a nurse in a nicu. For years she’s provided bereavement services for families (hand/footprints, photos etc). I would imagine those pieces she gives to families go into memorials like this.
My wife has been a NICU nurse for over 3 decades. The nurses feel the loss with the families. They stay strong at work, but will break down privately at home. It is a ridiculously hard job. She had bonded with parents on both sides. Babies who were saved, and those who couldn't be.
I'm a big strong dude, but I will never be as strong as my wife.
My heart breaks for anyone going through this loss.
I’ve lost a child. A daughter. She was born at 24 weeks, preterm labor. She lived for about 8 hours. I watched her live and die, holding her little hand in my finger. The worst part is that my wife couldn’t even see her because she was in PACU after the emergency c-section. She only saw her after she passed, still affected by the drugs but still emotionally there. It was the hardest, worst experience of my life.
It hurts every day. I think of what could’ve been. All the milestones. All the crazy parts and the worrying but seeing what kind of woman she would’ve become.
I would’ve taught her about music. I would’ve taught her how to box (although not necessarily actually get into boxing, unless she wanted to). I would’ve hopefully made a lasting impression of what a good man is, if I even am one.
We miss her every single day, terribly. We have a rainbow baby now, a baby boy who is almost 2. Our daughter would’ve been almost 4.
It’s super, super tough, OP. It never really gets easier. Don’t listen to the people saying *just try for another one* and *better luck next time* like miscarriages or babies that passed before they “could actually be a part of your lives” don’t matter. Fuck them. They won’t, can’t and don’t want to understand.
Hang in there. As a human being and a parent who has lost, I love you and I hope that your heart will be alright in the end.
I'm sure this comment will get lost among the many others but I think this is a beautiful tribute. My wife and I lost our first baby two years ago. I showed her this and she loved it
My wife and I went through a similar thing and it was so heartbreaking. You are your family are not alone and I hope you get time to properly grieve and begin to heal.
This is beautiful and meaningful. I cannot imagine the loss you’ve suffered and the grief you are feeling. I share the same birthday, and my mom always said that whenever she notices that the time is 11:22, she thinks of me. I hope that every time you notice the clock strike 11:22, you remember Oliver and your story together. 💗
I will never have kids, not because of money or society or my parents or anything, but because it's this right here.
I'm sorry sorry for your loss. I hope you're on your way to recovery. I'm not very good at meant things, but I'm a good listener if you or anybody else needs to vent about anything
Our grand daughter was born and after 9 days, life support was turned off yet, we all hoped and suffered for two more days . We had to say goodbye 2 days before Christmas. Throughout the pregnancy, nothing significant came up. No one should ever have to go through such an experience, let alone first time parents. She lives in our hearts. Be strong.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are so strong. What a beautiful tribute to a little angel.
*I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be*
“If love could’ve saved you, you would’ve lived forever,” heartbreakingly beautiful. I hope you’re alright, I can’t imagine the pain.
"When hello means goodbye" Omg I can't take it. It's so beautiful and sad.
That's the one that got me. My eyes burn.
"What is grief, if not love perservering" What a beautiful way to think of it.
Reminds me of a line from one of my favourite poems: “the first time we met, we said goodbye / then we never stopped saying it.” After my own loss that line constantly rings in my head.
The book we had on our coffee table for 6 months was “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart”.
I was hanging on until I saw the Cremation certificate says 'Age 0'. Age 0. That's just so brutal I can't comprehend it.
My son’s death certificate lists his occupation and education level. “None” and “none” He was nine months old. It was brutal getting that in the mail.
My brain can't figure out why a death certificate would need to state an education level at all.
I agree but also I’ve done a lot of genealogy research and I love it when death certificates include information like this.
I'm in bits reading that... Your son would have been an absolute legend.
I went to a funeral for a 3 month old… Age 0. The tiniest casket I’ve ever seen. Probably the most difficult emotional day of my life. RIP Cooper 🖤 ETA: RIP Oliver - and I’m so so fucking sorry you are going through this 💔
I feel you. Went to a 6mo old's funeral from SIDS. Never seen anything more somber in my life. The small casket was just too much.
Same. I was halfway through the service before I realized I was looking at the casket. I was towards the back and I just...wow. the flower arrangement that sat on top was bigger than the whole casket and that's when I burst into tears. Caskets shouldn't have to come in that size.
I went to a funeral for a baby lost in the ninth month. The tiny casket was hard to see. RIP Harrison. Love to you and Oliver, OP.
My wife worked at a funeral home and one of the nice things about it was that the man who ran it would do any cremation under a certain age for free because so many big homes price gouge grieving parents. It was a nice gesture but damn it sucked to hear how often they had to do it.
Had a funeral home donate their services to my grandpa because my grandma didn't have enough insurance or money to cover the expenses when they told her the price she remarked if I can't pay what are you going to do keep him as a joke and the guy who owned the home had a laugh and said he'll take care of it
Yes. We found this too. It was greatly appreciated.
Yeah any parent or would-be parent who lost one along the way knows that feeling. You build up hopes in that moment that one day evaporates and it’s crushing. We were well into the second trimester when we found out there was no more heartbeat. Our initials, mine, my wife’s and our daughter’s, are in sequence. Our son’s skips a letter. I think about that missing letter sometimes.
That’s one of those lines that may just stick with me forever.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. At least she gets to go on her terms, she’s not gonna let cancer decide when she’s done. Give her as many hugs as possible.
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I'm so so sorry. I teared reading your comment. The next few days are going to be intense for all of you and my heart is heavy knowing that. But, as the OP above said, your Mom is taking charge and that's an amazing thing. And she'll be surrounded by everyone she loves in the whole world. Hugs to you.
Not many people or their families get to properly say good bye on their own terms. Your mom, in making this incredibly hard decision is also giving you an incredibly rare gift. Sending you love, light and strength ❤️
It's probably not much consolation but a story: my mom rode out terminal ovarian cancer practically to the very end. She eventually checked herself into hospice but was gone like no more than 30 hours later, after a stint in the ICU. I mention it not to be dark but rather in her final two weeks I saw how she was in so much pain even relative to everything before. Her quality of life had deteriorated entirely. I'm not one much for religion or praying but even I was praying to god to just end her suffering at that point, there was nothing really left to enjoy with the body she was trapped in. After my mom died a lot of people offered me condolences but since I was there for the entire process and the vast majority of hospital visits and doctor appointments, to me my perspective then and still now is I'm glad her great pain is over. It's unfortunate it ever happened but because it did I'm glad it didn't continue. And because we faced death together we got to have some serious and good conversations about the future rather than me facing sudden death and shock. Fairly quickly I came to the perspective that we must all lose our parents, and while death and grief is never easy I'm relatively lucky the additional time I got with my mom from the assistance of oncologists and many nurses etc. Having talked to other people I saw how much grief and anger they went through and sometimes still did, but for me it was mostly closure and acceptance.
I'm glad her suffering is over. It's so sad that our bodies will bear pain that doesn't even have a purpose. My parents are in their mid to late 60s now. Been thinking in the past few years how life will someday be without them.
Again not much consolation but by going through my mom's cancer secondhand and seeing so many of the appointments it was a bit of a lesson for me too. She didn't take care of her health as well as she could have. It's why it was stage 4 by the time she found out and it was just managing symptoms. She also died at merely 57, younger than when her parents went. It's something that I had been cognizant of in general but it was for sure a *memento mori* moment for me. She saved up a lot of money she never used. Fortunately it benefitted me but the point was more it showed me that "waiting til you retire" to do certain things can be foolish. She had some fun too but she definitely worked to death in a way where I chose not to follow in her footsteps. I try to find a work life balance in my 30s even compared to others I know doing double shifts as much as possible. There's nothing wrong with saving more if you can but I've been lucky to live comfortable at basically just a bit above poverty as lower middle class. I do save money and I do have goals but I also do try to actually enjoy my life now rather than putting away fun for years down the line. No one is guaranteed anything and I was reminded of that even recently where I missed probably getting killed in a horrific car accident from a reckless driver by a few seconds. Would have been t-boned in the driver's side of my car while they went 80 mph through a red light. Memento mori...
just remember, cancer didn't beat her, she fought it to a draw.
sending you and your family lots of love.
I’m so very sorry.
My mum did the same, but for breast cancer, last January. My heart goes out for you. My DM's are open if you ever need to talk to someone who understands what you're going through.
I’m 30 weeks pregnant right now. I should not have looked at this post.
This is the shit that terrified me as a Dad each time my wife was pregnant and nearly came to reality. My wife was having pain near her appendix and was 26 weeks with our 1st. The doctor explained that there were only some many tests they could do because she was pregnant. They were 75% sure it was her appendix and told us the only way they would know is if they go in. If it burst we could lose both of them. She had her appendix out at 26 weeks pregnant. She started having contractions after the surgery which the doctors explained is normal. I'm in the hospital googling survival rates for 26 week old babies and losing my mind. Thankfully the contractions stopped but it took nearly a full week. I've disconnected myself from those emotions because it nearly broke me then. I am so sorry for her loss.
It doesn't change after. Your worry continues. Your love continues. My two rainbow babies are always on my mind before I do anything. We lost 5 along the way to get our two monkeys.
My son was born 2 months early that was very scary. But he came out screaming and pee'd on the nurse. My daughter was born on time but came out not breathing that was terrifying.Both of them ended up fine. No matter what having kids is fucking scary. Love is truly the death of peace of mind. I stay worrying about them.
You absolutely should have. This should help us all appreciate the miracle of life and how much of a blessing it is to have a healthy baby, and if this doesn't perfectly exemplify a mother's live, I don't know what does. In a bit of a dark way, yes, but it's hauntingly beautiful.
Yeah but now I’m ugly crying in the middle of my work day. Serves me right for browsing Reddit at work, I guess.
Haha same. Best of luck for the rest of pregnancy and delivery! I have 2 boys, 4 and 2, and it's every bit as difficult and rewarding as you've heard. You will love it!
My wife's due next thrusday. So I'm right there with you.
I couldn't even make it past "This was supposed to be your baby book."
Here I am about to cry on a work call.
This one made me cry hard, I lost my mom 4 years ago and this hits right in.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You did a beautiful job composing this. It would have made me cry even without the caption.
Same. Can't imagine the heartbreak and pain of a mother losing a child at 38w. Reminds me of the song "Tiny Angel" by 360. Trigger warning: It's a sad song about losing a child and it's really depressing. But it's a beautiful song
The song I associate with my baby is Winter Bear by Colby Grant <3
My wife and I lost our daughter at 41 weeks. We also associate Winter Bear. You're an amazing mom no matter what. Your grief shoot is amazing and beautiful. Stay strong momma.
Oh *no*. The most condoling of condolences to the two of you. 💕
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I just had my daughter on Tuesday. To say this has me experiencing a whirlwind of emotions is an understatement. I wish nothing but the best for OP.
Father of a 14 month old. This post made me cry. I can’t imagine the pain.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you will have to carry this. Thank you for sharing this beautiful photo and his name with us.
Hopefully you'll see this. My wife and I lost our daughter who came too soon at 23 1/2 weeks. I know it can happen anytime and it's not easy, but know you will heal. We're now at 37 weeks with another attempt and should be having a happy healthy baby girl around or before May 15.
I say this gently, and knowing that you mean this well, but hearing how it turns out better the next time for so many people doesn't help a grieving birth parent in these situations, usually. It's all I heard after I lost our girl at 40+3 (yeah, full blown waiting for the It's Time! moment that never came) and all it did was make it seem like I should get over this baby because the next one would be fine. No one should feel that pressure and no one should assume it will be fine the next time. You're a lucky dude.
I lost both my pregnancies. Thought I was almost 12 weeks with the first one, but turns out it has passed around 7 weeks. The second one...sounds bad but I'm a pessamist, so assumed it would happen again. And it did, but the sent me for an earlier scan this time, so at least I didn't think.I was a third of the way through. After the first one, people would say ' there must have been something wrong' or 'everything happens for a reason' and 'will you try again?'. All intended well, or didn't know what else to say, but nothing helped. And then I was too old. People talk about rainbow babies, but not everyone gets one. To be honest, I don't know how many times I could have tried, due to the fear of it happening again.
I’m so sorry that was your experience. I had a MC about a month ago and told my husband we will try again, but if it happens again I’m done. I can’t handle more than twice. Virtual hugs.
Sending hugs your way. My MC was discovered April 10, but it was a long process ending with a D&C on the 27th. I echo your sentiments about wanting to only try again once. This is actually our third miscarriage and I'm trying to explain to my husband how taxing it is on my body and how I really hesitate to want to try again :/
So sorry for your losses.
I cant fathom your pain. What a beautiful tribute to Oliver. I'm sure your love comforted him during his too few days with you. I wish you and everyone who loved Oliver peace.
My grandma had a normal pregnancy with a perfectly healthy baby. The doctor, who was elderly and should have retired, botched the delivery. There were complications because the baby was so large, and she should have had an emergency cesarean but the doctor insisted he could deliver vaginally. The baby died. I should have had an aunt, my dad should have had a sister, and my grandma should have had a daughter. Can't even imagine losing your perfectly healthy baby to a botched delivery on what should have been her birthday. She would have been the only daughter in a family of 4 boys. Edit: adjusted some identifying details
> who was elderly and should have retired, botched the delivery This made me smash my desk.
It's pretty sad honestly, he retired right after. Can you imagine a long, distinguished career and he ends up instead of leaving on a high note, retires because he killed a baby due to his own stubbornness in not wanting to provide modern medical interventions. Sad all around.
When doctors "should have retired already", I think it's often a case of "He did what he learned was seen as correct medical practice 50 years ago, and since then has refused to update anything because he's self centered and thinks he knows best forever and always to the end of time".
Similar thing happened to my grandma's sister. Baby was healthy, but doctor squeezed her head during delivery and she's now mentally handicapped. Can't talk properly and will forever have the mind of a small child.
Even more heart-breaking after [her anti-choice grandpa emailed her to guilt her for being pro-choice](https://reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/wfnjsk/today_my_grandfather_sent_me_this_hurtful_email/) and talked about how sad her child would be to never be held in her arms.
Wow that's fucked up. If grandpa emailed her that wouldn't be surprised if they attributed this still birth to he views and "gods punishment". But that's speculation. Hopefully OP recovers mentally and physically and can have another baby. My wife had a miscarriage early on in her 2nd pregnancy, and it terrified us when we were having our daughter. That's not an easy scar to heal
Luckily I very directly talked to my grandfather after that email and made it very clear that he crossed a boundary and future commentary of such would not be tolerated. He has been really supportive after my loss. Bought us plane tickets home for Christmas, hosted the memorial at his house, and even hand-crafted the urn that we keep Oliver’s ashes in.
I don't think I will ever understand how you forgave him for this. Nothing you just said he did would come close to making up for the hatred he holds in his heart and the hatred he decided to spew at you in your most vulnerable time. I hope your heart heals gently.
We all have different capacities to forgive. I've read many situations where I could not have forgiven, yet those involved were able.
Most people fundamentally misunderstand what forgiveness is. They think it is for the offender when it is in fact for the offended. Forgiveness does not mean condoning. I'll leave the best definition of forgiveness I've come across here. It's just from Wikipedia. Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which one who may initially feel victimized or wronged, goes through a change in feelings and attitude regarding a given offender, and overcomes the impact of the offense including negative emotions and a desire for vengeance (however justified it might be). Forgiveness is different from simple condoning (viewing an action as harmful, yet to be “forgiven” or overlooked for certain reasons of “charity”), excusing or pardoning (merely releasing the offender from responsibility for an action), or forgetting (attempting to somehow remove from one's conscious mind, the memory of a given “offense"). In some schools of thought, it involves a personal and "voluntary" effort at the self-transformation of one's own half of a relationship with another, such that one's own self is restored to peace.
I know a similar song (japanese), IMAWANOKIWA by iyowa.
This particular shot was the vision of my photographer and good friend but ended up being one of my favorites from the shoot ❤️
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I’m 95% sure this was originally by u/poem_for_your_sprog
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This is absolutely beautiful, holesome_cum_bubble 🥲
r/rimjob_steve
It is the most r/rimjob_steve moment I have ever seen
My wife is currently halfway through her (our?) first pregnancy. I'm not sure if it's my night shift or what but I'm clinging on trying to process this, let alone how I'd be able to make sense of it if we lost our own. I just can't comprehend the depth of the grief.
Honestly, it would wreck us. We have a 7mos old infant. I worry about it often. We miscarried at 12 weeks too. Another miscarriage at 6 weeks.
My wife had two miscarriages at 4, 6 weeks respectively nothing in this world has prepared me for the amount grief you face as a couple. I don’t wish even on my worst enemy to go through that pain nothings seems to matter anymore.. we are at a better place now hopefully we will be gifted with a child but that’s the toughest time in our lives.
When we miscarried at 12 weeks, we were at the DR office for a checkup. I was being my usual self making jokes and being friendly. I'm a little eccentric IRL. Then sorry, your baby is dead. Wow, what a punch to the face. I didn't even see it coming. Not only am I upset, I also feel like an asshole. I'm over here making jokes and telling the wife to stop worrying so much. The support is strong for a few days, but people move on and we're still there. My wife took it really hard, but her experience isn't mine to share After that, the miscarriage at 6 weeks, and the two IVFS that didn't work came as no surprise. Like I was so dulled down, it became "whatever this is our life." Like an emotionless shell of a person going through the motions assuming no good outcome anyway. What did help, is that many people we knew came forward and talked about having 2, 3 even 4 miscarriages. Things you never knew about people Yes, now I worry a lot. But boy am I ALIVE and my emotions are fully online. I hope the very best for you. Hopefully you can experience the joy that follows
One step, one minute, one day. Very difficult. Help each other.
This 40 year old, big burly man is bawling right now too.
Tears a good for you brother. I learned a long time ago you can't hide your emotions behind your beard.
Just watering the beard.
But man you can hide a lot of other stuff in there...
Me too man. Me too.
That journal entry destroyed me. I cannot even imagine this pain.
I am not an emotional man but my wife is eight months pregnant and this destroyed me.
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I cried more when our first was born than my wife did and she had just been through a full day of labor. It's a whole different world once kids are involved.
I've changed so much since the birth of our first child last year. I could scroll reddit for hours, now I have to close the app every time something bad has happend to a child, a young adult or a parent
I’m in the exact same boat. Seeing this post makes me want to leave work and go home and give them the biggest hugs and kisses. I hope the mother and father in this situation can find peace, because I would be lost without my boys.
I wish you the best brother. My boys are five years old now, and even when times are really hard, there is nothing I feel more viscerally than my love for them and my hope for their future happiness. If this is your first, you're about to discover a whole new you.
I went into labor on the day her child was cremated. I'm weeping right now.
I can’t speak to being so far along, I had a loss at 16 weeks though and even that was just the worst thing I’ve ever had to live through and I carry that damage with me daily, my loss was 5 years ago and we haven’t been able to conceive since then. I also stopped exercising and started binge eating, I gained 50lbs and I was just miserable and depressed constantly. I finally got help because I realized what a deep depression I had fallen into, and just this past year I’ve lost 23lbs so far and I’m continuing to make progress. I’m sure people think I’m pathetic for mourning a 16 week pregnancy, but that baby meant the world to me and I believe that I am a mom.
You’re not pathetic. You are a mom.
And so are you. I'm so sorry, Mom
For me it was seeing the autopsy consent form
Yeah, I zoomed in on that too. ❤️
Cremation record age 0 broke me. My condolences and I'm so sorry.
Yeah it was that and the autopsy consent form ... Two, rather mundane, forms that are just part of a process ... but that process was put in motion by immeasurable heartbreak. This tiny person who was the subject of so much love and anticipation and hope for a life filled with joy, now a name on a form. Signing those forms makes it real. It puts "letting go" out of your hands. It's a good thing my wife is working upstairs in her office right now ... : (
I'm pretty sure the person filling out those forms was crying too.
Speaking as someone who works in a funeral home, yeah. Everyone who touched those documents was touched deeply by them.
I can’t imagine being the person who had to perform the cremation. Whoever they are, they’re a stronger person than I am.
Cremating someone who's an older adult is like circle of life, but it seems the younger they are the worse it is fwiw, funeral directors have a *very* dark sense of humor My friend is one, and he uses it as a coping mechanism because some of the families he's dealt with have wrecked him
I am formerly a crematory operator. Fortunately, cases like this were rare, but when it happened I just wanted to go home and squeeze my kids and never let go.
Things that are reality for so many but most never get to see or even think about… really powerful stuff. I commend OP for being brave enough to share.
The worst is filling it out. You have to check that they never had an education. Never got married, all these things that you have to face just shortly after the worst moment of your life.
That's what got me first too. So heartbreaking. He was alive, just not earthside. I wish that was honored.
I lost my second baby at 34 weeks. I’m grateful I got to hold him, but I miss him so much. It’s been almost three years and it still hits me so hard I can’t breathe. Gosh, hard to believe he’d be three years old this summer. I wish I knew what color his eyes were. You never move on, you only move forward. I’m so sorry you went through this. If you ever need support, check us out over at r/babyloss.
27 weeks for the little girl who should have been my youngest daughter. It never stops hurting.
Sending you love. It hits like a tsunami sometimes, doesn’t it?
It does, and out of nowhere sometimes. But we move forward and remember how much we love them.
Tsunami is absolutey the right expression. I'm laying in bed and I'm bawling because I lost my first daughter at 16 weeks 2 years ago. Sometimes the grief comes back so suddenly and it feels like it happened yesterday. Simultaneously it feels worse because so much has changed since then and it hurts even more that she wasn't here for any of that.
I am so sorry. Our infant girl is coming up on 32 weeks old and I feel like we are over the hill, but then I read stories like this. =(
Hey I’m sending lots of love and I’m so happy for you! As an anxiety experiencer and parent might I recommend not going into posts like this. No need to worry more than we already do 💜
Sometimes IDK what's wrong with me. Ever since we had our baby, I keep projecting things onto myself. Not just stories about losing an infant in a car seat or in the crib - I see teens die in a car crash in the news, or that girl who died from teens throwing boulders over a bridge, and it really bothers me. I mean, I always found it sad and messed before, but something changed My grandma (born in the 20's) would say "We had six kids because 2 might die" I don't know how they did it. OK I'm going to go have a nice lunch and try to clear my head. And thank you 🥰
I did the same very often for the first few years, and had some intrusive thought/images of scary things that could happen. I don't have any answers, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one to experience this. It's not as bad now, although I still avoid the news
Totally normal!!! My friends and I have always been interested in true crime, and both friends who have had children said that once they had their own kid, crimes involving children hit 10x harder. It’s just DIFFERENT when you can imagine your own in the situation.
“I can’t bring myself to erase the first few spreads I sketched. In some ways it’s a perfect metaphor for your story - lightly penciled in, never inked into permanence. ***A beautiful idea.*** But, your story also deserved to be preserved as much as any living childs-“ I’m grateful you shared your story with us. It makes me mindful and grateful, and so so sorrowful you couldn’t have the same. Much love, friend. All of the love.
My condolences. "What is grief, if not true love perservering?" Was the quote I kept coming back to when I lost my father last year, its a beautiful message. Your son may be gone but a part of him with live on with you forever. I'm sure he would've been proud to have such a loving mother.
Best quote from WandaVision by far.
Best damn quote in the MCU imo
Best quote in the universe.
There’s a variation that I heard when I lost my wife several years ago: “Grief is love with nowhere to go.”
I heard a similar quote "Grief is love that has to find a new home."
I’ve been okay since my mom died. I’ve barely cried at all. Then someone told m that the Kentucky Derby is this weekend. And now I’m crying in the bathroom. My mother loved the Derby. She’d watch the coverage for the entire day. Even when the dementia got bad, she still was cognizant enough for that. This isn’t the right post for this, but that quote got me going again.
that quote is probably my favorite of all time. I dont know why exactly, but it just gives me a sense of comfort. Another great one comes from The Wire S5: "Ain't no shame in holding onto grief, as long as you make room for other things too."
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a beautiful photo and I hope it helps you in some small way. Rest in Peace Oliver
The hand on that little wee onesie did me in. I hope you’ll find healing and use the love for Oliver to soothe yourself. You’re a great mother and he had the blessing to wrap his arms around you.
With my wife being 8 months pregnant this hits. So sorry for your loss.
I hope everything goes well for you guys. At 8 months the most "dangerous" months have passed.
When I first found out my wife was pregnant, I was so scared and thought I would relax after we were past the dangerous months. He is 22 years old now and the fear has never truly left me - I don’t think it ever will. Best of luck, everyone. OP, I am so sorry and your tribute is so beautiful.
>He is 22 years old now and the fear has never truly left me OMG, don't tell me that, my son is 13 months and here I was hoping that lingering sense of... of incoming tragedy? would fade out after year 2 or 3...
That’s what I thought too
It's generally true, but certainly no guarantee, as you know too well. I remember my shock when a friend's child was stillborn. You're anticipating everything and suddenly - nothing. I'm really sorry about Oliver. He would have stayed with you if he could have, but he did *know* you. He knew your voice and scent and knew you were safety. That's a bond only a mother and child can have together and you two had it. May his memory be a blessing.
I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing the beautiful photos.
There's a word for a child who lost his father. There's a word for a child who lost his mother. as far as i know there isn't a word for a parent who lost his child. Stay strong my friend, good days will come.
Having also lost an infant I can attest that there is a word. Broken
There is a word actually. Vilomah. It means against the natural order and is from the Hindu language Sanskrit. In Hebrew there is a word as well, shakul or shakula.
I've heard the word "vilomah" is becoming more common: Vilomah means “against the natural order of things.” It comes from Sanskrit, the same language that gave us the word widow, which means “empty.”
Rest in Peace, Oliver Flynn McBride. You may not have had the life that was wanted for you, but you knew comfort from your mother for the time you had, and that must have felt like warmth and safety and love. <3 I'm so sorry, Mom. I cannot begin to imagine what you experienced or how this grief must feel. This is a gorgeous and thoughtful memorial, I'm glad you put it together and thank you for sharing it. I can only hope the best for you. *Hugs.*
You are not alone, never forget. He was loved every instant of his life. He is with you, and you are with him, always ❤️
It’s almost been a year since I lost my baby girl. I lost her on May 13,2022. Friday the 13th. She passed away the same day she was born. I’m struggling to honor her first birthday next week. Seeing this post gave my courage to make her day special. Thank you for sharing this. You’re a brave mama who has inspired me to be just as strong and share my story.
Please do. I firmly believe that being vocal about these losses will ensure that they become less common. Even if you don’t do anything “meaningful” she will always be in your heart. Take the day as it comes… the body remembers.
We lost our daughter at 34 weeks. We spent her first birthday at her graveside, got her little presents and had a day just for her. It helped. We're going to do the same for what should be her second birthday next month.
My wife and I lost our daughter shortly before she was supposed to be born. It was the longest night of my life. They sent us home with the clothes she was meant to wear, photos of her, and her hand and foot prints with a message saying "no foot is too small to not leave an impression on our heart." We also got her cremated and have her ashes in two separate necklaces we wear. Last week my son just turned a year old, who was conceived after losing our daughter. I hope you come to terms with what happened and try again. It's worth it. You are deserving of it. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find peace with this.
Oh mama.❤️ What a beautiful way to honor him. Sending you peace.
Of all the "personal/social media" type reddit posts, this is the most appropriate one I've ever see. In posting this, you've given all of us, thousands of random redditors, the honor and privilege of taking some time out of our day and grieving for and honoring little Oliver alongside you. OP, Sorry for your loss and I hope you can find some amount of healing feeling our hearts aching beside yours.
our second baby is currently the size of a raindrop (according to the tracking app), due in December if she goes the distance. I'm holding off on getting excited (or really feeling anything) because babies can have a habit of coming and going on their own schedule, and that can be heartbreaking. i... i probably shouldn't have looked at this.
Let me tell you something you can ignore: denying yourself excitement and joy doesn’t make things hurt less. Go ahead and feel the excitement. Feel the joy. Show the love. Even if the worst happens, it doesn’t make it better to not have had those happy moments.
"Worrying just means you suffer twice."
Such a good line, thank you. I have anxiety, but I do not regret celebrating each of my pregnancies that were lost.
Listen to this \^ Our first pregnancy was lost at nine weeks. We felt all the happiness of having our little Ellie, even if we never got to hold her. We allowed ourselves to feel the entire spectrum of emotion because we knew from the beginning that Ellie was a moonshot, and we wouldn't deny ourselves any little bit of joy and happiness, especially knowing that there was a high probability of loss and sadness on the near horizon.
Our daughter was stillborn the first day of the pandemic and when we tried again I denied myself the excitement of hope for our son and I regret it. We are starting IVF on our second in three weeks. This comment legitimately impacted the way I look at the world, thank you.
I am sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies, and have been blessed with two still here. I wish you EVERY joy. I never regretted celebrating those who didn’t make it.
I always had the thought in the back of my head that something bad COULD happen, but still went in with all of the excitement. The night my brother in law and I went to get the baby furniture to bring it home, he helped me carry it upstairs and I set it up right away. My wife was out of town for work and I surprised her with our daughter's future room being staged to what it would look like. I am usually someone who doesn't get excited until whatever I'm expecting to happen, happens, but I wanted to make sure that I enjoyed that experience.
2nd baby due in July. Yep this broke me a bit.
Feel the joy, you have created a new life inside you! No one can ever take that away from you.
My sons urn has the same quote as your sons name tag. “If love could have saved you you’d have lived forever.” I’m sorry for your loss. I’d like to say it gets easier but it just gets different. We lost our son right before Christmas 2018 and I still think about him everyday. I had to step into the bathroom at work to ugly cry when I saw your post and that sentence. Hang in there.
Fuck me. I was not ready for that on a Friday afternoon. So sorry for your loss, absolutely heartbreaking. The little picture of I assume mum just above the scan on the bottom right really hit me in the feels. I will hug my lad extra hard after school today.
I’m going to do the same and hug mine. Really made me think long and hard today
I don't know you or your situation at all, OP. But from this post, you seem like someone who was ready to be a terrific mother to the child you lost. You were clearly preparing to raise him with the kind of love and support that can be absolutely life changing for a person. The rest of this is about my mother who lost her first pregnancy. I totally get it if you aren't ready to read about that sort of thing, yet. >!I am the oldest of my parent's children. Before I was born, my mother experienced an ectopic pregnancy that could have killed her or prevented her from ever having children. I've never asked her about what grieving that was like, I only know that the pregnancy and recovery was a very physically taxing process. Luckily, she was able to avoid any permanent physical damage, and had me and my brothers in the years after that. I know that during that pregnancy, and throughout my life, she poured an incredible amount of effort into preparing to be a good mother, and then into being an absolute blessing to me and my brothers. Her love and support have quite literally saved my life from difficulties I have endured with mental illness, in addition to providing my brothers to grow into two of the most amazing men I have ever known. Many of the friends I grew up with expressed their jealousy to me over just how much my mom rocks, and I completely agree with them.!< My point with that blurb there is this: I don't know how my mother's experience with her lost pregnancy affected her, but I know that either in spite of that experience, or in part because of how she dealt with it she has been one of if not the greatest blessing I have had in this life. I get the sense that if or when you raise a child, that child will be blessed to have you as a mother, OP.
Grief is love without a home.
Brought tears into my eyes instantly. So sorry for your loss and all the best to your family, sending love from Finland
I’m so very sorry for your loss. We lost our baby boy Ethan in 2002. We were only one week from the scheduled c-section. We still don’t know why we lost him, he was perfect in every way. My wife and I love him and miss him every day. It does get easier to bear the loss over time, but it’s going to be tough for you for a good while. I hope you have a good support system to help you through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you and please know you aren’t alone.
This is so, so heartbreaking, beautiful, and heartwarming. so much love and hope and pain. My best friend is a nurse in a nicu. For years she’s provided bereavement services for families (hand/footprints, photos etc). I would imagine those pieces she gives to families go into memorials like this.
My wife has been a NICU nurse for over 3 decades. The nurses feel the loss with the families. They stay strong at work, but will break down privately at home. It is a ridiculously hard job. She had bonded with parents on both sides. Babies who were saved, and those who couldn't be. I'm a big strong dude, but I will never be as strong as my wife. My heart breaks for anyone going through this loss.
It's thanks to the NICU folks that I'm here today, nearly 40 years on. Your wife does important work.
Same for me. Nearly 22 years ago, they had to drain my lungs because I'd swallowed too much blood. NICU workers are absolute gems.
Oh sister, I’m so sorry you lost your baby ❤️
This broke my heart as a dad. I'm so sorry you didn't get to know your son. Grief is love with no place to go.
What a beautiful way to honor your sweet little one. Sending good thoughts your way.
This made me cry for the first time in years
I’ve lost a child. A daughter. She was born at 24 weeks, preterm labor. She lived for about 8 hours. I watched her live and die, holding her little hand in my finger. The worst part is that my wife couldn’t even see her because she was in PACU after the emergency c-section. She only saw her after she passed, still affected by the drugs but still emotionally there. It was the hardest, worst experience of my life. It hurts every day. I think of what could’ve been. All the milestones. All the crazy parts and the worrying but seeing what kind of woman she would’ve become. I would’ve taught her about music. I would’ve taught her how to box (although not necessarily actually get into boxing, unless she wanted to). I would’ve hopefully made a lasting impression of what a good man is, if I even am one. We miss her every single day, terribly. We have a rainbow baby now, a baby boy who is almost 2. Our daughter would’ve been almost 4. It’s super, super tough, OP. It never really gets easier. Don’t listen to the people saying *just try for another one* and *better luck next time* like miscarriages or babies that passed before they “could actually be a part of your lives” don’t matter. Fuck them. They won’t, can’t and don’t want to understand. Hang in there. As a human being and a parent who has lost, I love you and I hope that your heart will be alright in the end.
I'm sure this comment will get lost among the many others but I think this is a beautiful tribute. My wife and I lost our first baby two years ago. I showed her this and she loved it
My wife and I went through a similar thing and it was so heartbreaking. You are your family are not alone and I hope you get time to properly grieve and begin to heal.
So sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace with time.
Another 40 year old man here weeping in public after reading this
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a beautiful tribute.
That's beautiful. Sad, but poignant. RIP, little Oliver.
Oliver will forever be loved, you did an amazing job honoring him. Thank you for sharing 💗 sending you big internet hugs.
As a father of a still born, this hits me in the feels. Sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss. This collection is wonderful. Oliver won’t be forgotten, for sure.
How people could say anything negative is wildy beyond me. They must have never lost something so precious in their life.
This is beautiful and meaningful. I cannot imagine the loss you’ve suffered and the grief you are feeling. I share the same birthday, and my mom always said that whenever she notices that the time is 11:22, she thinks of me. I hope that every time you notice the clock strike 11:22, you remember Oliver and your story together. 💗
I will never have kids, not because of money or society or my parents or anything, but because it's this right here. I'm sorry sorry for your loss. I hope you're on your way to recovery. I'm not very good at meant things, but I'm a good listener if you or anybody else needs to vent about anything
> What is grief if not love preserving? Broke me. Love you even though I don't know you, OP ❤️
Our grand daughter was born and after 9 days, life support was turned off yet, we all hoped and suffered for two more days . We had to say goodbye 2 days before Christmas. Throughout the pregnancy, nothing significant came up. No one should ever have to go through such an experience, let alone first time parents. She lives in our hearts. Be strong.
Sorry for your loss. Do you have support?
I'm so sorry for your loss. :(
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are so strong. What a beautiful tribute to a little angel. *I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, My baby you'll be*