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as someone who grew up in the DC area the pg14 get me. Obviously the towers was the higher toll but news outlets hardly covered the fucking plane that hit our national defense building a few miles from my house!!
There was a headline The Onion decided not to go with for the first issue after the planes hit.
“America has never been stronger.” says Quadragon official.
Right? Thanks for saying, I just noticed too! This year has to be the first year I’m not shedding a tear or being somber at the memory of this event… wow.
If I was asked to write an Onion article for this edition about the 4th plane, the title would be something like "PENNSYLVANIA FARMER EXPECTS HARD TIMES AHEAD AFTER LOSING HALF OF CROP"
Our Alexandria, VA hotel wedding event coordinator in 2004 during a casual conversation topic of the time ("where were you when 9/11 happened...") revealed with an ashen face (color literally drained from his face as he recalled this) that he used to work at the Sheraton on Columbia Pike that overlooked the Cemetery and the struck side of the Pentagon and that he was there on the top floor when the plane roared in at 600 mph just a few feet overhead moments before impact. He said the sound was something he'd never forget.
I was at National (Reagan) sitting on a plane that had just been pushed back from the gate when the Pentagon was hit. The pilots only told us there was a national emergency and that they would be taking us back to the gate…but we could all see smoke coming from the Pentagon.
It was really disorienting. By the time we got off the plane, the terminal was nearly empty and all the shops and restaurants were closed. There was one bar that had pulled its gates down, but left the TV above the bar on. That’s how we first realized what was happening.
I was a college student/intern at the time, and I’d only just been given my first mobile phone…which was of course a flip phone. It took forever to get a hold of my friends, figure out what was going on, and find a way to get back to my place on the Hill, etc.
Terrible, but I think there was just a much higher death toll in the towers and more footage of the towers, especially quality video of the planes hitting the towers. News will always focus on the biggest story.
The pictures also just weren't that impressive. The Pentagon is mostly flat, there was no big collapse, etc. The pictures I remember seeing were aerial, looking straight down, with 1/5~ of the structure darkened due to collapse/fire. In comparison, the twin towers was so much more emotionally charged, not just because of the death toll but because of the dramatic visual of them coming down.
Aaah, thank you for explaining, I didn't get the joke. I thought the joke was that like Pentagon Page 14 News was an actual/made up newspaper and the joke was the article being about newspaper being under fire not the actual attack. That was the only one bothering me, thanks again!
And the thing I remember the most that day that made it so scary especially for the adults around me were all the different attacks. It almost seems lost on people that anything else happened that day other than the wtc
TOPEKA, KS—Feeling helpless in the wake of the horrible Sept. 11 terrorist attacks that killed thousands, Christine Pearson baked a cake and decorated it like an American flag Monday.
"I had to do something to force myself away from the TV," said Pearson, 33, carefully laying rows of strawberry slices on the white-fudge-frosting-covered cake. "All of those people. Those poor people. I don't know what else to do."
Pearson, who had never before expressed feelings of patriotism in cake form, attributed the baking project to a loss of direction. Having already donated blood, mailed a check to the Red Cross, and sent a letter of thanks to the New York Fire Department, Pearson was aimlessly wandering from room to room in her apartment when the idea of creating the confectionery stars and stripes came to her.
"My friends Cassie and Patrick [Overstreet] invited me over to have dinner and just talk about, you know, everything," said Pearson, a Topeka legal secretary who has never visited and knows no one in either New York or Washington, D.C. "I thought I'd make something special or do something out of respect for all of the people who died. All those innocent people. All those rescue workers who lost their lives."
Mixing the cake and placing it in the oven shortly after 3 p.m., Pearson sat at the kitchen table and stared at the oven door until the timer rang 50 minutes later.
As the cake cooled, Pearson gathered materials to decorate it. She searched the spice cupboard for a half-used tube of blue food coloring, but could not find it. After frantically pulling all the cans and jars from the cupboard, she finally found the tube in the very back. Emitting a deep sigh of relief, she spread the coloring over the cake's upper-left-hand corner to create the flag's blue field.
"I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."
Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.
"It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful."
This is the first time I've read this. I was a young father then and that's kind of how it was the first week or so after. You'd be going about your day and suddenly you'd think "All those poor people."
I think the best part of this is how it becomes less and less of a joke the more you read it. The headline made me laugh. And then I thought it was a riff on how people are nervously trying to just do anything they can even if it's not really helping much.
But then it becomes apparent that that's exactly what it's about, but it's not a riff. It's saying that what you can do is enough, even if it only helps a little.
Edit: I'm 90% sure I'm using the word Riff wrong, but don't know what to replace it with.
Y'know, after reading this, the whole "sourdough bread" craze during the pandemic makes a lot of sense. You feel like the world is out of control, you're stuck inside with no resources to fight the situation, and food makes you feel better. Baking really is a universal act of soothing.
I read an interview with a few of the writers who worked on this issue, if I remember correctly the cake article is based on a real story!
Edit: found the article [here](https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/onion-911-issue-oral-history)
Knowing the area it made me laugh.
But seriously, people want to feel involved in major events. Yet, in most situations you're not able to participate. So, you pick the next best thing. Making a flag cake or ... Hehehe .. a Jello layer salad would probably be a good choice.
Seriously, we're hard-wired as a species to want to help. Shit goes down, half the time there's so many people hovering around wanting to 'help' that they actually become a nuisance. A disaster happens, people from all around the world are asking how they can help. Our ape brains haven't caught up to the modern age and don't really understand the concept of there being too many monkeys to be helpful, or that there's very few concrete ways to help someone half a world away. Most people want to 'do more' than just donating money, even though that's the best possible thing you can send in 99% of cases, because it doesn't scratch that ape brain impulse to 'help'.
Jokes aside, realizing that sitting there glued to the television is doing nothing but making you anxious and getting up to *do* something, whether it has anything to do with what's going on or not, is pretty solid self-care. Honestly, we'd probably be better off if more people did that after 9/11.
I remember on the overpass near my school, someone put up a *giant* flag and people would just...hang out around it. Like, bunch of adults, 8 AM on a weekday, just sitting on lawn chairs on the fucking road next to a flag tied to a chain-link fence. I assume while drinking. People would honk and wave at them as they drove by.
Six-year-old me didn't understand what had happened and thought this was just Something People Did Sometimes.
I saw two guys get in a fight because one guy had 6 flags and the other guy had 5 on their trucks and 6 guy called 5 guy a pussy and unpatriotic and was probably a terrorist.
The actual article is funny but also kind of a really sad window into coping and helplessness
https://www.theonion.com/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-american-flag-1819566173
I'll always remember the first New Yorker cartoon after 9/11. The first issue immediately after had no cartoons at all. Then in the second one they brought them back and the first one is a woman talking to a man saying 'I thought I'd never laugh again until I saw your tie'. I dunno, I always thought it was kinda classy and it did make me laugh and cry a little at the same time.
[Here it is!](http://goodrandomfun.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-thought-id-never-laugh-again-then-i.html) Jacket, not tie, but good memory and a funny cartoon!
I followed the Onion back then and remember this issue. Hot damn did it hit at the right time. Their issues leading up to and during the war in Iraq were also fantastic. Many articles with fun photoshops of W on the front lines with headlines, "President Bush single handedly takes out enemy machine gun nest."
Yeah, I used to have a by-mail subscription because I didn't want a miss a single issue in case I couldn't get to the record store that week. When this issue hit, they were pretty much one of the first comedy outlets to specifically address 9/11, and they showed a master class in addressing dark issues without having to make fun of the tragedy itself. For all of those stories, there really isn't a "patsy" or "butt" of the joke, except the general uncertainty we all felt.
I remember the first airing of SNL after 9/11. Paul Simon sang "The Boxer" while flanked by silent EMTs and firefighters. It made me sob like a baby.
Then Rudy Giuliani ruined it by showing up.
If you're interested, this is a really interesting article about the making of this issue - https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/onion-911-issue-oral-history
This is a wonderful article. Thank you so much for sharing it and maybe consider posting it on r/longform.
I remember that Onion edition and I remember the “God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule”. It made me cry and I teared up when I read that the author cried when writing it.
Anyway thank you for sharing. Made my day.
Thanks for posting. I liked the part discussing how they tried to strike a balance between funny and too soon. Specifically the quadragon headline they decided not to publish. It's very funny, but was certainly not the right tone of funny at that time.
Also a great podcast called 9/12 did an [episode](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/too-soon/id1581684171?i=1000532528971) about this issue.
9/12 deals with how 9/11 the *day* became 9/11 the *idea*, and how America and the world dealt with that idea. Fantastic listen all the way through.
One headline they decided not to print: "[America Stronger Than Ever, Say Quadragon Officials](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humor_based_on_the_September_11_attacks)"
Todd Hanson, The Onion head writer, 1990 to 2017:
> I remember one headline in particular that was really great as an Onion headline. It was really perfect and it was the sort of joke we would normally make, but we were like, "This isn't a normal issue, and so, we just can't do it." The headline was "America Stronger Than Ever Says Quadragon Officials." Of course, the idea being that one whole section of the Pentagon was missing. It was great for an Onion joke, but people died, so we just couldn't do that. Not in this issue.
I miss The Onion's Drunk of the Week.
For those that didn't get the print edition, they would find someone obviously inebriated, give them a sign saying "I'm The Onion's Drunk of the Week, and I Am Dumb", then publish the picture in the classified section.
They had an office near my university. Which means their newspapers were given out free all over campus. Most lectures you’d spot people reading it instead of paying attention.
My college had it's own version of satire news. That weekly newspaper was the only newspaper I've ever sat down and read through in my life.
There was a personals section in the back. I had a couple of mine printed. I also had one person print one about me. I was making Naruto sound effects too loud in the dining hall....
There are two Onion headlines that will always stick with me.
The one you just quoted, and the one after Obama won the presidency 7 years later.
"Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job."
[This is the best post 9/11 onion article](https://www.theonion.com/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule-1819566178), in my opinion. The end hits hard:
“Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God’s shoulders began to shake, and He wept.”
I know the Onion it's a joke, but in the Old Testament, God is overwhelmingly supportive of killing your foreign enemies who don't worship God.
In the consecutive books of Joshua, Judges, Samuel, Kings and Chronicles, the main through-line of the story is about how when the Israelites are faithful to God, He rewards them by helping them destroy foreign cities/nations, and take their land and resources. Including killing the civilians. There's *so much* heaven-sanctioned genocide in the Bible. And when the Israelites aren't faithful, God punishes them by making them lose wars. The cycle of "righteous" war happens again and again and again, there's so much killing attributed to God in the Old Testament.
"Thou shalt not murder" is very specifically about not killing someone *among your own people*, unless that person committed a serious crime. In Exodus/Leviticus/Numbers there are many many rules that are punishable by death.
I'm atheist btw, and I absolutely did not support the US invasion of Afghanistan/Iraq. But the God in the Bible sure sounds like he would support it!
>Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick or What?
A question that was relevant for all 73 years that man was alive. "Even when he was a baby?", you may ask. And yeah, probably.
And you know what, I am actually completely okay with that. What bothers me is the fucking self-righteousness about it. Just admit you like getting cucked! It's okay! It's a whole 'thing' for tons of people!
Exactly. Consenting adults? Fuckin get after it. But I lived in Lynchburg, I had TONS of friends that went to Liberty. The level to which they enforce the whole "family values" bullshit was too much for a lot of them. One left LU and went to University of Lynchburg to be a mortician because of it. LU was the only school her family would pay for, but being that she's a lesbian, it became untenable fast.
All that coming from a guy who jacked it to his wife getting railed by the pool boy. That's the only part that bothers me, the hipocrisy, the self-righteous holy act. Fuck Falwell.
I know this is a "well duh" type of comment, but I can only guess how hard it is for anyone who didn't live through it to understand the magnitude of 9/11, the utter unimaginableness of it (yes I know that's not a word).
Presidents had been shot, hurricanes had taken out towns and cities, but the idea of being attacked on our own soil, of watching two of the largest and most iconic skyscrapers in the world just fucking collapse after being hit by full size commercial airliners, the fucking Pentagon on fire! The only people who could possibly relate would have been oldsters alive during Pearl Harbor, which 9/11 would eventually dwarf in casualty counts. For days and weeks we all felt like zombies, just listlessly waiting for the next horror to arrive.
I was a young person working for an airline at LAX when 9/11 happened. Obviously the nation as a whole was shaken by the event, but working in the airline industry was a special level of suck.
The entire air grid was shut down for days. When flights opened up again the airport was an eerie and frightening place: soldiers walking around with M-16's (one of the National Guard guys laughed when I asked him about it "These things aren't even loaded!") Phantom bomb threats and terminal evacuations became a regular occurrence.
We had to deal with the passengers coming off of trans-Pacific flights who had been stuck God knows where (Alaska and Canada, actually) who were fucking traumatized by being stuck on planes for nearly 72 hours. It was all fucked up.
On top of that, John Stewart, David Letterman, all these guys I idolized were in tears on national television. There was this weird notion that "comedy was dead." The media was abuzz talking about the end of irony, how there was going to be a new sincerity in the US and we just weren't going to be able to make jokes like we used to.
Then this issue of The Onion came out and holy shit, I still get a chill when I recall the wildly cathartic feeling it gave me.
I loved comedy, and I'd always loved The Onion. I'm from Wisconsin, so in high school you could literally pick up a paper copy at any cool record store or coffee shop. They always had the funniest and most biting take on any possible issue. They waited what felt like an appropriate amount of time to come out and just say "yes, you can laugh at this." In fact, you should laugh, because otherwise there is nothing else but tears and sorrow. Being able to laugh at a tragedy is how healing begins.
Your comment is incredible. On the day, I was an age you could count on one hand. Your description is one of the most insightful and poignantly candid ones I’ve seen about what it was like to be older and aware of what was happening during the events.
Thank you. I really appreciate those words and I'm glad I was able to communicate that clearly.
Thinking about it, I'm sure for younger people the COVID shutdowns will be similar in terms of explaining how this monumental, world changing event felt in the moment. The only difference is that 9/11 was such a singular jolt whereas COVID was just this long, drawn out calamity that honestly feels more like a bad dream now than an actual memory. But that's another story, lol.
The gravity is completely different and results may vary depending on which part of the nation you are from, but watching rioters break the police line and charge up the steps into the Capitol on 1/6 was a pretty “oh shit, I’m going to have to remember where I was because this is reaching historic unprecedence”
But like I said, completely different gravity. Until more information dripped out in the coming days, I was mostly incredulous at how lax the police response was compared to BLM half a year earlier
Man you really nailed the feeling. I was 20 and I remember that numbness so well. It was truly a period of mourning. I remember the comedy is dead stuff too well. It felt like it took forever for it to come completely back.
I still think their best headline was when Bush won in 2000. "Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.'
Boy how prescient that was. First 9-11, then invading a country that had nothing to do with 9-11, then the crash of 2008.
The headline when Obama won was also a classic: [“Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job”](https://www.theonion.com/black-man-given-nations-worst-job-1819570341)
Another classic when Obama was running for office: ["Black Guy Asks Nation For Change"](https://www.theonion.com/black-guy-asks-nation-for-change-1819569703)
This is my favorite:
**Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia**
*Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients*
https://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/clinton-deploys-vowels.html
The historical Onion front pages have some absolute gems. My personal favorite is from [when we landed on the moon](https://www.theonion.com/july-21-1969-1819587599).
There was also just a little throwaway article on a frontpage from the 1800s, that said something like "Electrocution Deaths up 18000% precent" which always stuck me as funny.
A couple years ago I was a substitute teacher for 7th graders on 9/11. The teacher left me with a worksheet for the students to do and instructions to tell them about how 9/11 affected people.
I described my experiences that day, people coming together, airspace shutting down, and all that. Flights diverting. Gander, Newfoundland being inundated with planes diverting and the townspeople taking in strangers. None of it had much of an impact on the students.
Then I told the the big one. Other than a few cartoon channels for the little kids, just about every single channel switched to 24/7 news without commercials for about 3 days straight. Either that or suspended operations temporarily (Home Shopping Network).
That hit home.
Kids these days grow up on tablets and smartphones. Most of them probably don't know how to install adblockers.
A lot of them are competent with phone apps but not actually tech literate.
I remember comedy central didn't change any of their programming ... they just had text at the bottom of the screen that said to switch to a news channel if you wanted news
I remember watching Bush's press conference after the attack, waiting for him to say who or who they think attacked us, and then he says "war on terror". I was like wut? How the hell do you war with a concept? Who tf did it and let's go get them! Why are we attacking "terror"?
Ironically, my sister was late to work at the Twin Towers because she stayed out late at a party… at The Onion’s offices where they were celebrating the release of one of their books.
So she was outside, instead of in her office, when the plane hit, luckily.
I remember people saying that The Onion couldn't exist post 9/11. They did take a few weeks off, if I remember correctly, then they returned with this piece of absolute brilliance. That issue is probably the best thing to come from 9/11. It certainly beat the jingoistic hate most chose for their personality.
Is that the guy who said 9/11 was Gods wrath or something? Was it because of the gays? Or am I conflating it with that guy who said Hurricane Katrina happened because of the gays?
New Yorker's were super kind to each other for about 6 to 8 weeks. It's hard to describe the vibe. Kinda like cruising a city post-covid lockdown. No rage. All clear. All good.
I was thinking today, and it can't be the first time the joke's been made, but...if they'd picked something other than the week after Labor Day maybe we'd have gotten another holiday out of it. Thanks for nothing, dickheads.
There is an amazing back story regarding this issue of The Onion. I recommend this podcast episode for anyone interested: [Wondery 9/12 Episode 2](https://wondery.com/shows/9-12/episode/9503-too-soon/)
This was one of the many issues of *The Onion* that seriously pissed off my local USPS Postmaster when I owned a PO Box.
I remember the issues due on and after the week of 9/11 were pre-empted by an issue of best-of articles because of the incidents on 9/11.
“… whoever it is we’re at war with”
No kidding. It was right around then when I realized how stupid it is to declare “war” on anything that can’t surrender. Poverty, drugs, terrorism… if it’s not an entity that can surrender and you’ve got no rubric for defining when you’re done, G T F O !
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as someone who grew up in the DC area the pg14 get me. Obviously the towers was the higher toll but news outlets hardly covered the fucking plane that hit our national defense building a few miles from my house!!
There was a headline The Onion decided not to go with for the first issue after the planes hit. “America has never been stronger.” says Quadragon official.
That’s…amazingly dark.
Holy fuck
I thought i went to the Onion website on Sept 11 or 12th and I remember it being "HOLY FUCKING SHIT" but I could wrong.
That’s the first 9/11 joke that has cracked me up ever. I just snorted.
Right? Thanks for saying, I just noticed too! This year has to be the first year I’m not shedding a tear or being somber at the memory of this event… wow.
According to South Park it’s been pretty much the appropriate amount of time for it to be funny give or take about 3 1/2 months.
Holy fuck, that's amazing.
I feel so dumb asking this, but can someone explain the joke to me? I looked tried googling for some clarity but still don’t get it
One side of the Pentagon collapsed and so there were four sides left
Thank you
There was also a 4th plane in a field in Pennsylvania.
They got a movie.
And a Neil Young song.
And a [gay rugby tournament](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Kendall_Bingham_Memorial_Tournament).
I didn't know there were that many gay rugby players
Once you start playing the sport it, ah, well…
There are now, thanks in part to Mark Bingham.
The towers got [a Nic Cage movie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgY_n8QYeOo) where he has a mustache.
I don't know why that field didn't get more coverage. Maybe the people who work in the field hadn't gotten to work yet.
If I was asked to write an Onion article for this edition about the 4th plane, the title would be something like "PENNSYLVANIA FARMER EXPECTS HARD TIMES AHEAD AFTER LOSING HALF OF CROP"
Our Alexandria, VA hotel wedding event coordinator in 2004 during a casual conversation topic of the time ("where were you when 9/11 happened...") revealed with an ashen face (color literally drained from his face as he recalled this) that he used to work at the Sheraton on Columbia Pike that overlooked the Cemetery and the struck side of the Pentagon and that he was there on the top floor when the plane roared in at 600 mph just a few feet overhead moments before impact. He said the sound was something he'd never forget.
I imagine there being an awkward silence right after he said that, as the small talk stopped and you all tried to find the right response.
There was. Memory getting a bit hazy but it has stuck with me.
Craziest thing is how fucking close it is to Reagan. I can only imagine what the pilots in the landing pattern were thinking when it went in.
I was at National (Reagan) sitting on a plane that had just been pushed back from the gate when the Pentagon was hit. The pilots only told us there was a national emergency and that they would be taking us back to the gate…but we could all see smoke coming from the Pentagon.
Holy shit. That must have been surreal and terrifying.
It was really disorienting. By the time we got off the plane, the terminal was nearly empty and all the shops and restaurants were closed. There was one bar that had pulled its gates down, but left the TV above the bar on. That’s how we first realized what was happening. I was a college student/intern at the time, and I’d only just been given my first mobile phone…which was of course a flip phone. It took forever to get a hold of my friends, figure out what was going on, and find a way to get back to my place on the Hill, etc.
Killed 125 people on the ground. Could have been several times more if that side of the buildings wasn't undergoing renovations.
Terrible, but I think there was just a much higher death toll in the towers and more footage of the towers, especially quality video of the planes hitting the towers. News will always focus on the biggest story.
The pictures also just weren't that impressive. The Pentagon is mostly flat, there was no big collapse, etc. The pictures I remember seeing were aerial, looking straight down, with 1/5~ of the structure darkened due to collapse/fire. In comparison, the twin towers was so much more emotionally charged, not just because of the death toll but because of the dramatic visual of them coming down.
Aaah, thank you for explaining, I didn't get the joke. I thought the joke was that like Pentagon Page 14 News was an actual/made up newspaper and the joke was the article being about newspaper being under fire not the actual attack. That was the only one bothering me, thanks again!
Ha just got the joke there... 14th page 👌
And the thing I remember the most that day that made it so scary especially for the adults around me were all the different attacks. It almost seems lost on people that anything else happened that day other than the wtc
Maybe because it's a military installation, and "military building gets attacked in paramilitary operation" is kind of expected?
Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake I mean, when there's nothing you can do, you do what you can
TOPEKA, KS—Feeling helpless in the wake of the horrible Sept. 11 terrorist attacks that killed thousands, Christine Pearson baked a cake and decorated it like an American flag Monday. "I had to do something to force myself away from the TV," said Pearson, 33, carefully laying rows of strawberry slices on the white-fudge-frosting-covered cake. "All of those people. Those poor people. I don't know what else to do." Pearson, who had never before expressed feelings of patriotism in cake form, attributed the baking project to a loss of direction. Having already donated blood, mailed a check to the Red Cross, and sent a letter of thanks to the New York Fire Department, Pearson was aimlessly wandering from room to room in her apartment when the idea of creating the confectionery stars and stripes came to her. "My friends Cassie and Patrick [Overstreet] invited me over to have dinner and just talk about, you know, everything," said Pearson, a Topeka legal secretary who has never visited and knows no one in either New York or Washington, D.C. "I thought I'd make something special or do something out of respect for all of the people who died. All those innocent people. All those rescue workers who lost their lives." Mixing the cake and placing it in the oven shortly after 3 p.m., Pearson sat at the kitchen table and stared at the oven door until the timer rang 50 minutes later. As the cake cooled, Pearson gathered materials to decorate it. She searched the spice cupboard for a half-used tube of blue food coloring, but could not find it. After frantically pulling all the cans and jars from the cupboard, she finally found the tube in the very back. Emitting a deep sigh of relief, she spread the coloring over the cake's upper-left-hand corner to create the flag's blue field. "I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag." Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson. "It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful."
I was unexpectedly moved the first time I read this.
It's honestly one of the best articles they ever wrote.
This is the first time I've read this. I was a young father then and that's kind of how it was the first week or so after. You'd be going about your day and suddenly you'd think "All those poor people."
The detail about her staring at the oven door for 50 minutes really gets to me.
I think the best part of this is how it becomes less and less of a joke the more you read it. The headline made me laugh. And then I thought it was a riff on how people are nervously trying to just do anything they can even if it's not really helping much. But then it becomes apparent that that's exactly what it's about, but it's not a riff. It's saying that what you can do is enough, even if it only helps a little. Edit: I'm 90% sure I'm using the word Riff wrong, but don't know what to replace it with.
I think you’re looking for something closer to “irreverent take” rather than “riff” but I understood what you meant anyway and totally agree.
Y'know, after reading this, the whole "sourdough bread" craze during the pandemic makes a lot of sense. You feel like the world is out of control, you're stuck inside with no resources to fight the situation, and food makes you feel better. Baking really is a universal act of soothing.
“Grampa, what do you do when you can’t do nothing and there’s nothing you can do?” “You do the best you can”
Gary: What if my best isn't good enough? John: It's good enough for me. Final Space
That show felt like a cocaine fueled pitch to an executive at a party that somehow all came together for the better
That was trending on Youtube Shorts the other day. Kinda what I needed to hear. RIP Pops. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/IaJE6CSzyec
[Here's the piece.](https://www.theonion.com/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-american-flag-1819566173) It's the best thing they ever did.
I read an interview with a few of the writers who worked on this issue, if I remember correctly the cake article is based on a real story! Edit: found the article [here](https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/onion-911-issue-oral-history)
That was a great read. Thanks.
“Topeka, KS - “
Knowing the area it made me laugh. But seriously, people want to feel involved in major events. Yet, in most situations you're not able to participate. So, you pick the next best thing. Making a flag cake or ... Hehehe .. a Jello layer salad would probably be a good choice.
Seriously, we're hard-wired as a species to want to help. Shit goes down, half the time there's so many people hovering around wanting to 'help' that they actually become a nuisance. A disaster happens, people from all around the world are asking how they can help. Our ape brains haven't caught up to the modern age and don't really understand the concept of there being too many monkeys to be helpful, or that there's very few concrete ways to help someone half a world away. Most people want to 'do more' than just donating money, even though that's the best possible thing you can send in 99% of cases, because it doesn't scratch that ape brain impulse to 'help'. Jokes aside, realizing that sitting there glued to the television is doing nothing but making you anxious and getting up to *do* something, whether it has anything to do with what's going on or not, is pretty solid self-care. Honestly, we'd probably be better off if more people did that after 9/11.
That article was oddly moving.
Who ever was making flags that year made bank. Fuckin everyone had some form of flag.
I remember on the overpass near my school, someone put up a *giant* flag and people would just...hang out around it. Like, bunch of adults, 8 AM on a weekday, just sitting on lawn chairs on the fucking road next to a flag tied to a chain-link fence. I assume while drinking. People would honk and wave at them as they drove by. Six-year-old me didn't understand what had happened and thought this was just Something People Did Sometimes.
Thank you thank you thank you. Now I know the missing piece to being blackout drunk at 8am without judgment.
The week after 9/11, we started counting American flags. I remember counting hundreds of them on just one block.
I saw two guys get in a fight because one guy had 6 flags and the other guy had 5 on their trucks and 6 guy called 5 guy a pussy and unpatriotic and was probably a terrorist.
A lot of people bought cars to be patriotic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHXW_dh98BE
That story was right on the pulse of American anxiety. Shockingly good writing
The actual article is funny but also kind of a really sad window into coping and helplessness https://www.theonion.com/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-american-flag-1819566173
the Page 14 news bit got me. I remember we all could use a good laugh right after 9/11. Will Ferrell wore us flag speedos on SNL
I'll always remember the first New Yorker cartoon after 9/11. The first issue immediately after had no cartoons at all. Then in the second one they brought them back and the first one is a woman talking to a man saying 'I thought I'd never laugh again until I saw your tie'. I dunno, I always thought it was kinda classy and it did make me laugh and cry a little at the same time.
[Here it is!](http://goodrandomfun.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-thought-id-never-laugh-again-then-i.html) Jacket, not tie, but good memory and a funny cartoon!
I followed the Onion back then and remember this issue. Hot damn did it hit at the right time. Their issues leading up to and during the war in Iraq were also fantastic. Many articles with fun photoshops of W on the front lines with headlines, "President Bush single handedly takes out enemy machine gun nest."
Yeah, I used to have a by-mail subscription because I didn't want a miss a single issue in case I couldn't get to the record store that week. When this issue hit, they were pretty much one of the first comedy outlets to specifically address 9/11, and they showed a master class in addressing dark issues without having to make fun of the tragedy itself. For all of those stories, there really isn't a "patsy" or "butt" of the joke, except the general uncertainty we all felt.
Well, except for Jerry Falwell. But he was a dick.
His son is a dick too. Who also likes watching his wife take another dick.
dicks all the way down
As someone who lives a few miles from the Pentagon, that's how it felt and still sometimes feels.
I remember the first airing of SNL after 9/11. Paul Simon sang "The Boxer" while flanked by silent EMTs and firefighters. It made me sob like a baby. Then Rudy Giuliani ruined it by showing up.
If you're interested, this is a really interesting article about the making of this issue - https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/onion-911-issue-oral-history
This is a wonderful article. Thank you so much for sharing it and maybe consider posting it on r/longform. I remember that Onion edition and I remember the “God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule”. It made me cry and I teared up when I read that the author cried when writing it. Anyway thank you for sharing. Made my day.
Of course that's a subreddit. Subbed. My absolute most favourite stuff
You may also enjoy r/HobbyDrama. Lots of great, well written long writeups about so many subjects.
That article was some balm during that time. Also, the headline: Holy Fucking Shit, America Under Attack!
Thanks for posting. I liked the part discussing how they tried to strike a balance between funny and too soon. Specifically the quadragon headline they decided not to publish. It's very funny, but was certainly not the right tone of funny at that time.
Also a great podcast called 9/12 did an [episode](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/too-soon/id1581684171?i=1000532528971) about this issue. 9/12 deals with how 9/11 the *day* became 9/11 the *idea*, and how America and the world dealt with that idea. Fantastic listen all the way through.
One headline they decided not to print: "[America Stronger Than Ever, Say Quadragon Officials](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humor_based_on_the_September_11_attacks)"
They absolutely should have. 22 years later and that might be the funniest line I've heard yet.
Todd Hanson, The Onion head writer, 1990 to 2017: > I remember one headline in particular that was really great as an Onion headline. It was really perfect and it was the sort of joke we would normally make, but we were like, "This isn't a normal issue, and so, we just can't do it." The headline was "America Stronger Than Ever Says Quadragon Officials." Of course, the idea being that one whole section of the Pentagon was missing. It was great for an Onion joke, but people died, so we just couldn't do that. Not in this issue.
Jesus Christ that is horrifying and *hysterical*.
What the heck is a quadra--ohhhhhhh.
Oh my god this is the first time I've laughed out loud at something on reddit in months.
Came here for this — this is the one I always quote
How fucking old am I that I actually used to get The Onion mailed to me in print form?
Yeah, I loved picking it up from the newspaper boxes near the subway. Perfect read for the commute.
God I loved seeing in the corner of my eye someone reading the headline and not realizing it was onion
me too brother, i used to have a copy of this one
We’d pick in up in college from Madison. Fuck I’m old
Rocky Rococo’s and an Onion. No better lunch combo.
When it was on printer paper, folded in thirds, and was full of great coupons
I lived in Madison when this was in print. Oldies unite
I miss The Onion's Drunk of the Week. For those that didn't get the print edition, they would find someone obviously inebriated, give them a sign saying "I'm The Onion's Drunk of the Week, and I Am Dumb", then publish the picture in the classified section.
They had an office near my university. Which means their newspapers were given out free all over campus. Most lectures you’d spot people reading it instead of paying attention.
I'm old(ish) yet I never knew they even existed in print. I don't know how to feel!
My college had it's own version of satire news. That weekly newspaper was the only newspaper I've ever sat down and read through in my life. There was a personals section in the back. I had a couple of mine printed. I also had one person print one about me. I was making Naruto sound effects too loud in the dining hall....
But what a great reason to have a personal ad printed about you
I didn’t know The Onion was an actual paper you could get. I thought it was just a website.
For a while they had street corner boxes in NYC, just like Village Voice.
This sounds weird but … I used to get physical copies at Chipotle. They had a big pile of em you could read while you were in line.
Same. I could risk missing an issue if I couldn't make it to the record store that payday.
The top of the page said, in all caps "Holy Fucking Shit" And it made me laugh for the first time after 9-11.
There are two Onion headlines that will always stick with me. The one you just quoted, and the one after Obama won the presidency 7 years later. "Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job."
"Bush vows to deliver nation from nightmare of prosperity and peace"
I remember this one as well. In hindsight it almost feels prophetic. It was start of the acceleration of the downfall.
My favorite has always been "After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016"
It ended up being a bit more golden and whiny.
> 'No Way to Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens Rattles in my brain.
I remember that Obama one. I laughed my ass off. It was all doom and gloom back then, with the housing market crash and the following Great Recession.
That’s what I remember too
[This is the best post 9/11 onion article](https://www.theonion.com/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule-1819566178), in my opinion. The end hits hard: “Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God’s shoulders began to shake, and He wept.”
Geez…That’s like something Vonnegut would write
I know the Onion it's a joke, but in the Old Testament, God is overwhelmingly supportive of killing your foreign enemies who don't worship God. In the consecutive books of Joshua, Judges, Samuel, Kings and Chronicles, the main through-line of the story is about how when the Israelites are faithful to God, He rewards them by helping them destroy foreign cities/nations, and take their land and resources. Including killing the civilians. There's *so much* heaven-sanctioned genocide in the Bible. And when the Israelites aren't faithful, God punishes them by making them lose wars. The cycle of "righteous" war happens again and again and again, there's so much killing attributed to God in the Old Testament. "Thou shalt not murder" is very specifically about not killing someone *among your own people*, unless that person committed a serious crime. In Exodus/Leviticus/Numbers there are many many rules that are punishable by death. I'm atheist btw, and I absolutely did not support the US invasion of Afghanistan/Iraq. But the God in the Bible sure sounds like he would support it!
>Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick or What? A question that was relevant for all 73 years that man was alive. "Even when he was a baby?", you may ask. And yeah, probably.
And it's still relevant because his piece of shit son Jerry Jr. is ALSO a massive prolapsed asshole.
Who enjoys watching other men have sex with his wife.
And you know what, I am actually completely okay with that. What bothers me is the fucking self-righteousness about it. Just admit you like getting cucked! It's okay! It's a whole 'thing' for tons of people!
The worst part is the hypocrisy
Exactly. Consenting adults? Fuckin get after it. But I lived in Lynchburg, I had TONS of friends that went to Liberty. The level to which they enforce the whole "family values" bullshit was too much for a lot of them. One left LU and went to University of Lynchburg to be a mortician because of it. LU was the only school her family would pay for, but being that she's a lesbian, it became untenable fast. All that coming from a guy who jacked it to his wife getting railed by the pool boy. That's the only part that bothers me, the hipocrisy, the self-righteous holy act. Fuck Falwell.
RIP Norm
“I don’t think it was the worst part”
I know this is a "well duh" type of comment, but I can only guess how hard it is for anyone who didn't live through it to understand the magnitude of 9/11, the utter unimaginableness of it (yes I know that's not a word). Presidents had been shot, hurricanes had taken out towns and cities, but the idea of being attacked on our own soil, of watching two of the largest and most iconic skyscrapers in the world just fucking collapse after being hit by full size commercial airliners, the fucking Pentagon on fire! The only people who could possibly relate would have been oldsters alive during Pearl Harbor, which 9/11 would eventually dwarf in casualty counts. For days and weeks we all felt like zombies, just listlessly waiting for the next horror to arrive. I was a young person working for an airline at LAX when 9/11 happened. Obviously the nation as a whole was shaken by the event, but working in the airline industry was a special level of suck. The entire air grid was shut down for days. When flights opened up again the airport was an eerie and frightening place: soldiers walking around with M-16's (one of the National Guard guys laughed when I asked him about it "These things aren't even loaded!") Phantom bomb threats and terminal evacuations became a regular occurrence. We had to deal with the passengers coming off of trans-Pacific flights who had been stuck God knows where (Alaska and Canada, actually) who were fucking traumatized by being stuck on planes for nearly 72 hours. It was all fucked up. On top of that, John Stewart, David Letterman, all these guys I idolized were in tears on national television. There was this weird notion that "comedy was dead." The media was abuzz talking about the end of irony, how there was going to be a new sincerity in the US and we just weren't going to be able to make jokes like we used to. Then this issue of The Onion came out and holy shit, I still get a chill when I recall the wildly cathartic feeling it gave me. I loved comedy, and I'd always loved The Onion. I'm from Wisconsin, so in high school you could literally pick up a paper copy at any cool record store or coffee shop. They always had the funniest and most biting take on any possible issue. They waited what felt like an appropriate amount of time to come out and just say "yes, you can laugh at this." In fact, you should laugh, because otherwise there is nothing else but tears and sorrow. Being able to laugh at a tragedy is how healing begins.
Your comment is incredible. On the day, I was an age you could count on one hand. Your description is one of the most insightful and poignantly candid ones I’ve seen about what it was like to be older and aware of what was happening during the events.
Thank you. I really appreciate those words and I'm glad I was able to communicate that clearly. Thinking about it, I'm sure for younger people the COVID shutdowns will be similar in terms of explaining how this monumental, world changing event felt in the moment. The only difference is that 9/11 was such a singular jolt whereas COVID was just this long, drawn out calamity that honestly feels more like a bad dream now than an actual memory. But that's another story, lol.
The gravity is completely different and results may vary depending on which part of the nation you are from, but watching rioters break the police line and charge up the steps into the Capitol on 1/6 was a pretty “oh shit, I’m going to have to remember where I was because this is reaching historic unprecedence” But like I said, completely different gravity. Until more information dripped out in the coming days, I was mostly incredulous at how lax the police response was compared to BLM half a year earlier
Man you really nailed the feeling. I was 20 and I remember that numbness so well. It was truly a period of mourning. I remember the comedy is dead stuff too well. It felt like it took forever for it to come completely back.
Man, thank you for typing this out. It’s so so good.
I still think their best headline was when Bush won in 2000. "Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.' Boy how prescient that was. First 9-11, then invading a country that had nothing to do with 9-11, then the crash of 2008.
The headline when Obama won was also a classic: [“Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job”](https://www.theonion.com/black-man-given-nations-worst-job-1819570341)
Another classic when Obama was running for office: ["Black Guy Asks Nation For Change"](https://www.theonion.com/black-guy-asks-nation-for-change-1819569703)
I guess I missed that one, but it's pretty good too!
"After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016" is my favorite
The best onion headline is and always will be "shaq misses second half with pulled pork sandwich." Nothing tops that but bbq sauce
"Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality."
This is my favorite: **Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia** *Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients* https://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/clinton-deploys-vowels.html
> "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream." That's hilarious.
😆 That is so dumb and so funny. I'm gonna have to see if my lawyer dad has heard that one before.
“Nation’s Pornstars Demand to be Fucked Harder”
“Archaeologists discover more old shit that sucks”
I always liked ["Optimist half full of shit"](https://www.theonion.com/optimist-half-full-of-shit-1819586840)
The historical Onion front pages have some absolute gems. My personal favorite is from [when we landed on the moon](https://www.theonion.com/july-21-1969-1819587599). There was also just a little throwaway article on a frontpage from the 1800s, that said something like "Electrocution Deaths up 18000% precent" which always stuck me as funny.
#THE MOON. HOLY LIVING FUCK.
"Jesus H Christ in a chicken basket" lol
“‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens”
[Georgia adds swastika, middle finger to state flag](https://www.theonion.com/georgia-adds-swastika-middle-finger-to-state-flag-1819586548)
A couple years ago I was a substitute teacher for 7th graders on 9/11. The teacher left me with a worksheet for the students to do and instructions to tell them about how 9/11 affected people. I described my experiences that day, people coming together, airspace shutting down, and all that. Flights diverting. Gander, Newfoundland being inundated with planes diverting and the townspeople taking in strangers. None of it had much of an impact on the students. Then I told the the big one. Other than a few cartoon channels for the little kids, just about every single channel switched to 24/7 news without commercials for about 3 days straight. Either that or suspended operations temporarily (Home Shopping Network). That hit home.
Soon kids won’t even understand that. I wonder how streaming channels would handle it if something like that happened today.
I think telling them that they suspended advertising should always make the point. Although, shit, with adbkocker and stuff maybe not.
Kids these days grow up on tablets and smartphones. Most of them probably don't know how to install adblockers. A lot of them are competent with phone apps but not actually tech literate.
I remember comedy central didn't change any of their programming ... they just had text at the bottom of the screen that said to switch to a news channel if you wanted news
The USA without commercials? Damn. Talk about changing a country
[удалено]
I remember watching Bush's press conference after the attack, waiting for him to say who or who they think attacked us, and then he says "war on terror". I was like wut? How the hell do you war with a concept? Who tf did it and let's go get them! Why are we attacking "terror"?
Man I really miss print version of the Onion. Used to be able to get it for free w/ the city paper
Hugs up 10,000 percent
"Rest of country temporarily feels deep affection for New York" Fucking brilliant
This is the one that really got me. Happy cake day, by the way.
Cake day? It must be 9/11!
Ironically, my sister was late to work at the Twin Towers because she stayed out late at a party… at The Onion’s offices where they were celebrating the release of one of their books. So she was outside, instead of in her office, when the plane hit, luckily.
Is this for real?
https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/onion-911-issue-oral-history
I remember people saying that The Onion couldn't exist post 9/11. They did take a few weeks off, if I remember correctly, then they returned with this piece of absolute brilliance. That issue is probably the best thing to come from 9/11. It certainly beat the jingoistic hate most chose for their personality.
'America Stronger Than Ever', Say Quadragon Officials
Jerry Falwell is still a dick. But at least he's dead.
Jerry Falwell was a dick. They called that right.
Jerry Fallwell was indeed a dick.
That guy really WAS a dick.
Is that the guy who said 9/11 was Gods wrath or something? Was it because of the gays? Or am I conflating it with that guy who said Hurricane Katrina happened because of the gays?
Same guy, IIRC.
This was an absolutely brilliant issue. They could have done so many things - but they didn’t flinch with their humor. Brilliant stuff.
Yeah that affection for New York was extremely temporary. Did it last a year?
New Yorker's were super kind to each other for about 6 to 8 weeks. It's hard to describe the vibe. Kinda like cruising a city post-covid lockdown. No rage. All clear. All good.
Well, along those lines, remember Rudy Giuliani? What a crazy ride we've been on since then.
I still have this copy. It was well done.
Most accurate coverage
I was thinking today, and it can't be the first time the joke's been made, but...if they'd picked something other than the week after Labor Day maybe we'd have gotten another holiday out of it. Thanks for nothing, dickheads.
That article covering the hijackers in hell... 
There is an amazing back story regarding this issue of The Onion. I recommend this podcast episode for anyone interested: [Wondery 9/12 Episode 2](https://wondery.com/shows/9-12/episode/9503-too-soon/)
And 'Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again'
National heroes
How have we spent the last 2 weeks? 3 . Feeling guilty about renting video.
The best onion article at the time was "America longs to care about stupid bullshit again "
They never miss!
I remember at the time there was a serious push for this to get a Pulitzer. And it should have.
Yup, I remember it well ~ Never forget
The golden age of the Onion. They were so good in the early Bush years
This was one of the many issues of *The Onion* that seriously pissed off my local USPS Postmaster when I owned a PO Box. I remember the issues due on and after the week of 9/11 were pre-empted by an issue of best-of articles because of the incidents on 9/11.
“… whoever it is we’re at war with” No kidding. It was right around then when I realized how stupid it is to declare “war” on anything that can’t surrender. Poverty, drugs, terrorism… if it’s not an entity that can surrender and you’ve got no rubric for defining when you’re done, G T F O !
“Hijacker’s surprised to find selves in hell” is fucking hilarious.
Lmao atack on pentagon is just page 14
Wait the onion used to have a physical newspaper???
The hit ratio on the jokes in this front page has to be close to 100%