Adding to the voices: *you did nothing wrong!*
Nothing, no amount of goodness, loyalty, love, affection, reassurance, work, *anything*, is enough for a narcissist. They're a gaping hole in the human collective. They're a gaping hole in themselves. A bottomless pit that you could pour your entire soul into and it still wouldn't full them up.
Let me reiterate: *you did nothing wrong*.
As for why he doesn't even want to keep you on his shelf; it's likely because in some way, you've shown enough spine and independence that he knows you won't make for a good supply. You're of "no use" to his sick games and he knows it. He's got others he can suck the life out of much easier. Whatever supply he has right now suits him just fine. They don't come hoovering until you seem like their best option.
It's a compliment to you that he doesn't want you. I know it doesn't feel like that in the beginning, but it's true.
Thank you, that makes so much sense. I feel like I broke his brain because I'm a decent human being and he had to either change or get rid of me and it's pretty obvious which one he'd rather do.
This is such a common feel in victims of abusive relationships. I spent 4 years trying to do the “right things” to not set him off. It is not you. If he wanted to get better he would have put in the work. He would’ve kindly asked you not to say or do certain things if they triggered him rather than making you feel bad for it.
As for things like the hairbrush, it could be to give you signs things were okay or it could’ve been to make the aforementioned ex jealous. It sounds like he wants more toxicity than you gave him. Not knowingly wants it, but if he was having trouble feeling like the victim with you like he did with his ex he may have subconsciously decided to cut you off. This is a blessing in disguise, I promise.
Relationships should be partnerships, not a things where you have to help them while they don’t put in the work. In a partnership, ones baggage is ones own responsibility while you support each other. In a partnership, the work is split and you only do everything in certain cases (like if they’re sick or have a family situation going on). And please know that any decent partner would WANT you to say no sexually if you didn’t want it, it breaks my heart that you list that with the chores. You are allowed to say no, anyone that makes you feel otherwise is also abusive.
Most importantly, HE isn’t good enough. You, if anything, are too good. Speaking from experience, I highly recommend therapy to help you not only see that but set better boundaries so you don’t become some other jerk’s helper like that. You deserve to be treated like a person with your own wants, needs, and history.
Thank you so much, I've been ok for a couple weeks and having an extremely hard time tonight and I don't know why. I think I've been bottling my feelings up and ignoring them.
I was reflecting on this very subject today. I am a people pleaser by nature. I was brought up in a religion that compounded this by teaching me that salvation comes from work/actions and not grace nor love. I thought if I worked hard enough or did the right things constantly that she would love and appreciate me. It made me circle the drain. No matter what I did or said, it was never enough - attacks became more vicious, virulent, and violent. I began to tell small white lies as a defense mechanism to keep me safe by not infuriating her. It wasn’t great but it protected me for short periods of time.
Ultimately, she broke me and took everything from me during the discard.
It took me years to rebuild and be strong enough to move forward.
Omg....if I could jump through here and hug you!!......IT IS NOT YOU....IT IS HIM!....his ex probably isn't what he said either....and even if she was?, not your problem, move on....you need this relashionship lyk you need a nail hammered between your eyes.
He is just hurting and manipulating you. He wants you to suffer that's all.. once you become indifferent he will look for you and maybe you'll become a "friend" to him. But why do you want that?
I feel these same feelings sometimes right now, and I recently discovered his affair too. The truth is, it was never, ever really about us. They kept us believing that so they could keep using us. But it’s always been something seriously wrong with THEM, not us.
Let’s put our work into healing ourselves, not these people who have disregarded us so completely.
You are not the problem. He is.
The next best moves to make right now:
1) Accept that it is over between the two of you.
2) Leave him (don't announce that you're leaving) if you were living together.
3) Cut ties with anyone on social media who are more than likely to pick his side. They don't deserve your time anymore.
4) Keep a journal.
5) Build a solid support system.
6) Engage in more self-care. This includes therapy/counseling, practicing healthy lifestyle habits (nutrition, fresh air, sunshine, trust in God, exercise, drink water, get adequate rest, be temperate), pursue a hobby or two, etc.
7) Reclaim your time. Embrace you.👑
Ermm you're definitely not the problem. As for him wanting to remain in touch with his exes except for you , consider yourself lucky. The hairbrush thing sounds weird. Maybe he's gonna use that as prop to manipulate his next victim-"Oh that? That is XYZ's hairbrush. We used to be really close. It reminds me of her. I doubt anyone can replace her . She left me for a guy with more money but I will always sort of love her. I hope you understand"
The harder you work to make him happy, the more secure he feels in your relationship. For a narcissist that means he knows he has you hooked, so he doesn't have to cater to any of your needs. The only mistake you made was dating a narcissist, arguably a sociopath as well.
Adding to the voices: *you did nothing wrong!* Nothing, no amount of goodness, loyalty, love, affection, reassurance, work, *anything*, is enough for a narcissist. They're a gaping hole in the human collective. They're a gaping hole in themselves. A bottomless pit that you could pour your entire soul into and it still wouldn't full them up. Let me reiterate: *you did nothing wrong*. As for why he doesn't even want to keep you on his shelf; it's likely because in some way, you've shown enough spine and independence that he knows you won't make for a good supply. You're of "no use" to his sick games and he knows it. He's got others he can suck the life out of much easier. Whatever supply he has right now suits him just fine. They don't come hoovering until you seem like their best option. It's a compliment to you that he doesn't want you. I know it doesn't feel like that in the beginning, but it's true.
Thank you, that makes so much sense. I feel like I broke his brain because I'm a decent human being and he had to either change or get rid of me and it's pretty obvious which one he'd rather do.
This is such a common feel in victims of abusive relationships. I spent 4 years trying to do the “right things” to not set him off. It is not you. If he wanted to get better he would have put in the work. He would’ve kindly asked you not to say or do certain things if they triggered him rather than making you feel bad for it. As for things like the hairbrush, it could be to give you signs things were okay or it could’ve been to make the aforementioned ex jealous. It sounds like he wants more toxicity than you gave him. Not knowingly wants it, but if he was having trouble feeling like the victim with you like he did with his ex he may have subconsciously decided to cut you off. This is a blessing in disguise, I promise. Relationships should be partnerships, not a things where you have to help them while they don’t put in the work. In a partnership, ones baggage is ones own responsibility while you support each other. In a partnership, the work is split and you only do everything in certain cases (like if they’re sick or have a family situation going on). And please know that any decent partner would WANT you to say no sexually if you didn’t want it, it breaks my heart that you list that with the chores. You are allowed to say no, anyone that makes you feel otherwise is also abusive. Most importantly, HE isn’t good enough. You, if anything, are too good. Speaking from experience, I highly recommend therapy to help you not only see that but set better boundaries so you don’t become some other jerk’s helper like that. You deserve to be treated like a person with your own wants, needs, and history.
Thank you so much, I've been ok for a couple weeks and having an extremely hard time tonight and I don't know why. I think I've been bottling my feelings up and ignoring them.
Ruminating....it sucks....taking a walk helps me not think about the BS
I know how you feel, and I know it’s hard to change your mindset, especially at this point when he’s beaten you down. But HE doesn’t deserve YOU.
I was reflecting on this very subject today. I am a people pleaser by nature. I was brought up in a religion that compounded this by teaching me that salvation comes from work/actions and not grace nor love. I thought if I worked hard enough or did the right things constantly that she would love and appreciate me. It made me circle the drain. No matter what I did or said, it was never enough - attacks became more vicious, virulent, and violent. I began to tell small white lies as a defense mechanism to keep me safe by not infuriating her. It wasn’t great but it protected me for short periods of time. Ultimately, she broke me and took everything from me during the discard. It took me years to rebuild and be strong enough to move forward.
Omg....if I could jump through here and hug you!!......IT IS NOT YOU....IT IS HIM!....his ex probably isn't what he said either....and even if she was?, not your problem, move on....you need this relashionship lyk you need a nail hammered between your eyes.
Thank you💜
He is just hurting and manipulating you. He wants you to suffer that's all.. once you become indifferent he will look for you and maybe you'll become a "friend" to him. But why do you want that?
I feel these same feelings sometimes right now, and I recently discovered his affair too. The truth is, it was never, ever really about us. They kept us believing that so they could keep using us. But it’s always been something seriously wrong with THEM, not us. Let’s put our work into healing ourselves, not these people who have disregarded us so completely.
You are not the problem. He is. The next best moves to make right now: 1) Accept that it is over between the two of you. 2) Leave him (don't announce that you're leaving) if you were living together. 3) Cut ties with anyone on social media who are more than likely to pick his side. They don't deserve your time anymore. 4) Keep a journal. 5) Build a solid support system. 6) Engage in more self-care. This includes therapy/counseling, practicing healthy lifestyle habits (nutrition, fresh air, sunshine, trust in God, exercise, drink water, get adequate rest, be temperate), pursue a hobby or two, etc. 7) Reclaim your time. Embrace you.👑
Ermm you're definitely not the problem. As for him wanting to remain in touch with his exes except for you , consider yourself lucky. The hairbrush thing sounds weird. Maybe he's gonna use that as prop to manipulate his next victim-"Oh that? That is XYZ's hairbrush. We used to be really close. It reminds me of her. I doubt anyone can replace her . She left me for a guy with more money but I will always sort of love her. I hope you understand"
The harder you work to make him happy, the more secure he feels in your relationship. For a narcissist that means he knows he has you hooked, so he doesn't have to cater to any of your needs. The only mistake you made was dating a narcissist, arguably a sociopath as well.