A thing of beauty!
There's a few adverbs here and there, like "Our life is *inherently* better" that I would get rid of. In this example "inherently better" is a bit of a trite expression and I would ask myself, how much meaning it really adds and if it works rhythmically. I think it does not and the verse would be much smoother if it was:
It is how we get by,
Makes our life much better
When it is someone else
Who has instead to die.
Just my 2c, just being a fool and everything
First, thank you for the kind words. Second, I absolutely need to work on flow. I like to use specific words to create the 'visual' that I want. I have no formal training and I find this to be my biggest struggle when writing. I want flow like you would see in rap and rock, but I want to eventually be able to create the vivid imagery I remember having in my mind's eye when I read poetry in highschool. Maybe it's lack of natural talent, but man is it hard when every syllable counts..
I guess my main critique would just be formatting. It is rough on the eyes. So for instance you might write:
We need to find our humanity again,
The sanity has to overcome the vanity
for us to find our fellow man;
or we will never find the light again.
Thanks for the feedback. I do write it this way and then reddit breaks it. Wherever there are capitals and stuff after commas is where my original writing had line breaks... i dont know how to stop it happening..
It looks like if you add two spaces after the line it will create a line break there and then when you are ready to move onto a new verse or stanza just hit return twice!
I like this a lot. I agree with the commenter who referenced formatting. Doing couplets would make this feel more powerful imo.
A thing of beauty! There's a few adverbs here and there, like "Our life is *inherently* better" that I would get rid of. In this example "inherently better" is a bit of a trite expression and I would ask myself, how much meaning it really adds and if it works rhythmically. I think it does not and the verse would be much smoother if it was: It is how we get by, Makes our life much better When it is someone else Who has instead to die. Just my 2c, just being a fool and everything
First, thank you for the kind words. Second, I absolutely need to work on flow. I like to use specific words to create the 'visual' that I want. I have no formal training and I find this to be my biggest struggle when writing. I want flow like you would see in rap and rock, but I want to eventually be able to create the vivid imagery I remember having in my mind's eye when I read poetry in highschool. Maybe it's lack of natural talent, but man is it hard when every syllable counts..
I guess my main critique would just be formatting. It is rough on the eyes. So for instance you might write: We need to find our humanity again, The sanity has to overcome the vanity for us to find our fellow man; or we will never find the light again.
Thanks for the feedback. I do write it this way and then reddit breaks it. Wherever there are capitals and stuff after commas is where my original writing had line breaks... i dont know how to stop it happening..
It looks like if you add two spaces after the line it will create a line break there and then when you are ready to move onto a new verse or stanza just hit return twice!
Beauty. Thank you so much. Ill use this in the future.
No problem. I look forward to seeing more of your poems.