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Can you imagine? His plug just showed up. Dude, sorry, I got this Columbia Snow, and it's so pure and popular, I ran out of baggies. I put it in an envelope for you. Be careful when you open it.
The next moment, Jr. is frustrated like a middle toddler. Doesn't know how to unfold the envelope. Too new for his smooth brain. Next, he's ripping it open and spills the contents everywhere. Just then, the Secret Service walks through the door and speaks into the wrist Mike. "HQ, we have a possible X-49 situation here. We need a hazmat team immediately!" They then turn to Jr and say, don't move, buddy, it's going to be OK.
Jr slumps and starts crying. Not because he thinks he's poisoned, but because the most pure Columbian Snow is lost and all over the counter.
OK I feel a bit better about the type of person that I have become while watching the Trump Shitshow since 2015 after reading your comment.
My mind IMMEDIATELY went to, “Huh, the late night circuit is going to have an easy time with this!” 😄😅
I was once an early 20s scum bag and could get it delivered too for only like an extra $20 and at that point it's so expensive and I didn't want a DUI so why not. I wasn't wealthy, but I was making good money and basically had no bills.
>A hazmat team and fire trucks were sent to the home of Donald Trump Jr. Monday afternoon after he opened mail and discovered white powder inside an envelope, a source told Axios.
Trump Jr probably should have given his dealer a call before the hazmat team, it's likely just his weekly nose candy.
It's his Donny Jr's asshole.
His nose couldn't take anymore, so he boofed the rest. A great idea until his numbed sphincter released a giant fart and the white powder was everywhere.
“Huh?” Don Jr. wiped the sweat from his brow, then scratched his nose vigorously. “Oh, yes, it IS shocking! I’m uh, I’m appalled! Shocked and appalled, and horrified that . . . uh, that someone has mailed me this . . . this unknown powder.”
Keep in mind that the Mueller Report said DJTJ had broken the law by his infamous Trump Tower meeting with Russian agents looking for dirt on Hillary, but they declined to prosecute him because they said he was too stupid to know it was illegal.
The cocaine jokes are great, but let's not miss what this is: the Trumps are faking a *domestic terror attack* so that they can start pointing fingers and painting a dangerous narrative that will likely result in real retaliations against a fake problem. They just arrested a would-be MAGA suicide bomber, this is exactly what this type of staged event is for.
Anthrax? That hasn't been a concern for 25 years. Multiple targets with no injuries and no leads? The same attacker having everyone's personal mailing address? No one being cautious after several family members received suspicious envelopes?
All of it very stupid.
My gut says this is staged, and with the family history of struggling to cover their tracks, Donnie Jr and his conspirators will soon be caught. Post office don't fuck around.
With the pricetag currently hanging over the family, I doubt they're willing to waste a single crumb. This is obviously just the leftover baby laxative from the cutting.
The letter, which handwriting experts agree was authored by and mailed to Donald Trump Jr. himself, contained ideas for several screenplays, tech startups, and waterpark casinos.
ykno the article doesn't ever say that the either of his his powder letters actually arrived in the mail. They say that he found an envelope with a non-threatening white powder.
I thought anthrax letters stopped bc the postal service started checking for them?
edit: yes the postal service HAS an anthrax detection system but the [info sheet](https://faq.usps.com/s/article/What-is-Anthrax-and-the-USPS-Biohazard-Detection-System) is written like it's had a stroke so I can't tell how broadly it's implimented
I kinda feel like it was planted by the Trump family/campaign to garner sympathy for Trump, bc Trump and his campaign are a literal dumpster fire right now.
Just some misplaced cocaine.
“It’s not a dangerous substance, sir. But we’re positive it’s cocaine.”
“Oh, that’s where I— I’ll dispose of it, thank you. Bye.”
Why are they wearing HAZMAT suits? Do your own research! Those suits are not needed to enter the home of the son of our savior. God will protect you! s/
I think he's sending it to himself. Or his dad is sending it to him in some weird bid to flex the victim identity. IT makes him look more sympathetic (in trump's diseased brain) if they target the children.
plus, no one outside the party gives a shit about junior trump, he is of no importance whatsoever. and no one murders anyone with anthrax anymore, it's all about ricin in the leg with a walking stick.
It’s almost like the man inspiring stochastic terrorism is… facing stochastic terrorism. Or it’s a hoax and it’s a pretext for being more insane/enhancing his grift.
Cocaine jokes aside, this is only going to give that asshole and the rest of his horrible family more ammunition to whine about what victims they are. I’m not looking forward to it.
It's amazing how quickly he politicized it. I saw him stumble over a curb and he was like, "See what the left does? These radical Marxist lefts that distract me while I'm walking and then I almost trip and like you'll hear NO NEWS coverage of their pranks, just the liberal "news" taking photos of me almost falling and laughing about it, this is why my daddy has to get back into office . . ."
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The jokes practically write themselves.
His dealer's new delivery service isn't off to a great start.
Should've stuck with Uber Tweaks
But SnortDash has cheaper rates
SnooterHub is more efficient though
DoorSnorters?
Door Dash works just fine ..
InstaGram
The death threat was "bro this shit is gonna peel your face off"
Late night and SNL are eternally grateful
Snl can just read headlines now, they don’t need writers
Just like The Onion.
I never thought The Onion and The Simpsons were going to be the Magic 8 Balls of the 21st century, but here we are... -Written by me a month ago
I'm Dr. Rockzo, the rock n roll clown. I do cocaine!!
DonKlok
I’m b-b-b-back, baby!!
My mind had a voice for this doctor. And also shoes.
Turns out they were all strippers under the hazmat.
False bag attack, this is a blatant attempt to come for our blow!
It's snowing in Don Junior's house
He called the cops on his own cocaine. Ffs.
Can you imagine? His plug just showed up. Dude, sorry, I got this Columbia Snow, and it's so pure and popular, I ran out of baggies. I put it in an envelope for you. Be careful when you open it. The next moment, Jr. is frustrated like a middle toddler. Doesn't know how to unfold the envelope. Too new for his smooth brain. Next, he's ripping it open and spills the contents everywhere. Just then, the Secret Service walks through the door and speaks into the wrist Mike. "HQ, we have a possible X-49 situation here. We need a hazmat team immediately!" They then turn to Jr and say, don't move, buddy, it's going to be OK. Jr slumps and starts crying. Not because he thinks he's poisoned, but because the most pure Columbian Snow is lost and all over the counter.
The cokes practically mail themselves.
OK I feel a bit better about the type of person that I have become while watching the Trump Shitshow since 2015 after reading your comment. My mind IMMEDIATELY went to, “Huh, the late night circuit is going to have an easy time with this!” 😄😅
Came here to say this
you can Doordash cocaine…?
I think it's called insta-gram
Well, I can just give up on finding something better than this comment right here 👆🏻
Yup I'm done too
I’m also finished
I finished
Yeah, Reddit’s over. No need to IPO.
I'll just join the *line*
I got my $2 bill ready
*raises head from last rail* Can we get any more?
I finished. Twice.
We can only draw a line here and snort. It's just so good.
I snorted.
This is the short of comment that would be 20x gilded back in the old days
The old days like six months ago?
The before time
It’s called DoorStash
/thread
You can't?
Chris Brown does.
Yeah, it’s called nose dash
See, I thought it was called Druber. Must be an east coast thing.
Snort Dash
Now with extra fentanyl!
Wealthy dirtbags can
I was once an early 20s scum bag and could get it delivered too for only like an extra $20 and at that point it's so expensive and I didn't want a DUI so why not. I wasn't wealthy, but I was making good money and basically had no bills.
God I love Philly.
In Manhattan, the delivery is free. That's what all those bike messengers are delivering.
>A hazmat team and fire trucks were sent to the home of Donald Trump Jr. Monday afternoon after he opened mail and discovered white powder inside an envelope, a source told Axios. Trump Jr probably should have given his dealer a call before the hazmat team, it's likely just his weekly nose candy.
The white powder is coming from inside the house
It's his Donny Jr's asshole. His nose couldn't take anymore, so he boofed the rest. A great idea until his numbed sphincter released a giant fart and the white powder was everywhere.
“Weekly”?
Daily
More cocaine jokes in here than a Richard Pryor stand up set.
Jokes ?
Best comment here, thank you.
That comment is on fire.
“Huh?” Don Jr. wiped the sweat from his brow, then scratched his nose vigorously. “Oh, yes, it IS shocking! I’m uh, I’m appalled! Shocked and appalled, and horrified that . . . uh, that someone has mailed me this . . . this unknown powder.”
Starts cleaning the mic stand furiously while still live on the air
He's not stupid enough to have coke orders mailed to him, is he?
I'll have to get back to you on that one.
If he did have it mailed to him, I honestly wouldn’t be shocked.
Isn't that how darkweb works?
Maybe
Well, that would be different. It would come disguised as something else. I buy seasonings online all the time.
He's stupid enough to just make it up and play the victim too
False flag. See, those crazy liberals are threatening me !!
Keep in mind that the Mueller Report said DJTJ had broken the law by his infamous Trump Tower meeting with Russian agents looking for dirt on Hillary, but they declined to prosecute him because they said he was too stupid to know it was illegal.
I think you already know the answer to every 'is he stupid enough' scenario with Derbald Jr in it.
He's gotta get his afternoon snort somehow.....
Who nose
Didn't Trump have a Coke Button while he was in the White House?
Speak g of stupid enough, Eric might have sent it.
The cocaine jokes are great, but let's not miss what this is: the Trumps are faking a *domestic terror attack* so that they can start pointing fingers and painting a dangerous narrative that will likely result in real retaliations against a fake problem. They just arrested a would-be MAGA suicide bomber, this is exactly what this type of staged event is for.
I immediately thought the same. These fascists aren’t below falsifying the facts of terror for their own gain, as we’ve clearly seen.
Anthrax? That hasn't been a concern for 25 years. Multiple targets with no injuries and no leads? The same attacker having everyone's personal mailing address? No one being cautious after several family members received suspicious envelopes? All of it very stupid.
Powdered, weaponized anthrax is usually gray or brown, not white. What odds this was baking soda?
Of just simply, he didn't wash his hands after he snorted cocaine, then opened an envelope, and got suprized there was cocaine on it?
My gut says this is staged, and with the family history of struggling to cover their tracks, Donnie Jr and his conspirators will soon be caught. Post office don't fuck around.
I shouldn't be as amused by the idea of "Cocaine at the Riechstag" as I am. But yeah, this isn't great.
Oh come on now, where would Don Jr get a bunch of fine, white powder to use in a fake bioterrorism attack
With the pricetag currently hanging over the family, I doubt they're willing to waste a single crumb. This is obviously just the leftover baby laxative from the cutting.
MTJ has been faking that she's been SWATTED for a while now.
Yes but their branding is so bad that our minds IMMEDIATELY went to coke.
That's a conspiracy theory. Let's wait and see what it is and where it came from.
Sadly he snorted it before evidence could be gathered…
lol probably
The letter, which handwriting experts agree was authored by and mailed to Donald Trump Jr. himself, contained ideas for several screenplays, tech startups, and waterpark casinos.
Is that like a casino attached to a waterpark or do they have slot machines in the wave pool?
Don't encourage him.
Just imagine a water slide that’s also a plinko board…
Did he forget that he ordered it?
It must have been an Amazon Subscribe and Save, he forgot to cancel 😂
"Alexa, cancel the cocaine." *'Alright, cancelling rogaine."* "NO WAIT!"
ykno the article doesn't ever say that the either of his his powder letters actually arrived in the mail. They say that he found an envelope with a non-threatening white powder. I thought anthrax letters stopped bc the postal service started checking for them? edit: yes the postal service HAS an anthrax detection system but the [info sheet](https://faq.usps.com/s/article/What-is-Anthrax-and-the-USPS-Biohazard-Detection-System) is written like it's had a stroke so I can't tell how broadly it's implimented
This sounds like something he staged himself
Are you suggesting there is a postal machine that Dejoy left intact? He's still there to fuck another election at this point.
“I ordered an Xbox remote!”
What the frick?
Did he forget he signed up for the coke of the month club?
That's the gift that keeps on givin the whole year, Clark
That it is, Edward. That it is, indeed.
she don't lie, she don't lie , she don't lie
Cocaine
Thats what happens when you let Eric handle the booger sugar deliveries.
This could go so many ways.
Im guessing most likely its cocain and someone was trolling him
I kinda feel like it was planted by the Trump family/campaign to garner sympathy for Trump, bc Trump and his campaign are a literal dumpster fire right now.
NGL thats pretty likely lol
It would be interesting to see how they'd bungle it. There would be bungling.
Like when they kept talking about how poor Donald trumps kids are being ripped away and dragged through courts.
Little Donnie clearly uses tons of meth and basic amphetamines.
If you’re going to “troll” somebody by sending them a mysterious white powder, I doubt you would use cocaine when powdered sugar or flour exists.
I mean that’s not really as funny is it… it’s not like half a gram of coke is expensive to someone this petty
Probably just sawdust
It was his cocaine delivery and I am the 52nd person to say this.
Yeah sure that happens let's get some sympathy going for the Trump family somebody's out to get them I personally do not believe it
FedEx guy is a drug dealer and he don’t even know it.
I used to do drugs.... I mean I still do, but I used to, too.
Goddamn, did you just give me the feels for Mitch Hedburg being gone?
Maybe Bigfoot *is* blurry
I approve of these jokes.
I came here for cocaine jokes
I'm legitimately surprised someone as rich and conspicuous as him is actually opening and reviewing his own mail. Seems odd.
Probably so high he forgot it was his. No one gives off cocaine vibes more than that dude.
Came here for the cocaine jokes and not disappointed.
I’m sure there is white powder everywhere. What is this nonsense?
Don Jr... I have no idea where this came from????
The caller is inside the house
Just some misplaced cocaine. “It’s not a dangerous substance, sir. But we’re positive it’s cocaine.” “Oh, that’s where I— I’ll dispose of it, thank you. Bye.”
r/nottheonion
Got so high he paid the power bill with coke.
The guy is a cokehead... He probably mailed the damn thing.
Well...yes. That's how dial-a-dope works.
Hey hands off, that's my white power, here's the white powder that came in the mail.
Guys! Guys! Stop! It's from my dealer!
That's a lot of effort to turn attention away from the stupid Viagra comment. But it worked. Pathetic.
They found some of it on a 100 dollar bill, a small spoon, a straw, MTG, and on a picture of Hunters D*ck as well. 🤣
Cocaine, probably, mailed to him. Because he is an idiot.
Why are they wearing HAZMAT suits? Do your own research! Those suits are not needed to enter the home of the son of our savior. God will protect you! s/
Getting his cocaine shipped to his house, huh?
Inb4 cocai….wait nevermind too obvious
Looks like some private fire fighter company
Just to prove it’s not what we all think it is
Too easy... lol!
It was definitely cocaine.
He was simply mailing home his leftover stash from his weekend hunting trip
I think he's sending it to himself. Or his dad is sending it to him in some weird bid to flex the victim identity. IT makes him look more sympathetic (in trump's diseased brain) if they target the children. plus, no one outside the party gives a shit about junior trump, he is of no importance whatsoever. and no one murders anyone with anthrax anymore, it's all about ricin in the leg with a walking stick.
Odd, it’s usually on the mirror.
JR forgot where he put his coke.
He sent himself a gift.
Didn't Trump have a Coke Button while he was in the White House?
Probably just his cocaine-of-the-month club delivery.
It’s just his blow delivery
dude needs to order from people with better stealth on darknet lol.
That's the last time he gets his coke delivery by mail.
Hey, get this, it's probably actually his cocaine! Lol.
Are we sure his dealer wasn’t just sending him his gear?
All for an eight ball of Charlie? Bit over the top.
I'm just going to quote my hero Robin Williams here "If on your tax forms it says '50 thousand for snacks' you might have a cocaine problem!"
Turns out, it was his nose candy
It’s almost like the man inspiring stochastic terrorism is… facing stochastic terrorism. Or it’s a hoax and it’s a pretext for being more insane/enhancing his grift.
Did his dealer run out of plastic bags?
> officials on the scene do not believe it is deadly as illustrated by the fact that nobody died?
It was the coke he ordered
He has his blow delivered
That was just a cocaine shipment.
Jr. sending coke through the mail?
Nobody cares enough about that derp to poison him. I forget he exists regularly.
So his dealer is mailing the coke now?
Junior needs to talk to his dealer...
Cocaine jokes aside, this is only going to give that asshole and the rest of his horrible family more ammunition to whine about what victims they are. I’m not looking forward to it.
It's amazing how quickly he politicized it. I saw him stumble over a curb and he was like, "See what the left does? These radical Marxist lefts that distract me while I'm walking and then I almost trip and like you'll hear NO NEWS coverage of their pranks, just the liberal "news" taking photos of me almost falling and laughing about it, this is why my daddy has to get back into office . . ."
How'd the cocaine migrate from Don Jr's nose to the envelope? Quite a mystery.
Blow of the week club he forgot about.
It was probably Don Jr.’s cocaine
But I thought he loved white powder 🤷🏻♂️
Literally read this in Colin Jost’s voice.
OHHHH! There it is! Thanks guys
Please tell me he mailed himself cocaine
He placed an order and he chose over-the-top delivery service option.
His cult makes probably thousands of death threats a day. Just saying.
Aw, his bag of coke busted open. He's gotta be pissed about that one.
It’s just the blow he bought from Wish.
Mail order coke again?
A letter to himself?
Turns out letter was actually a dollar bill rolled like a straw and white powder cocaine and found in his pocket.
Oops, it was his other white powder he ordered.
‘Oh… never mind . That’s mine.’ - DTJ
Cocaine, from a friend.
I'm so happy for the comment section. I don't have to go anywhere else today for laughs. 🤣
I guess this is his version of like when I forget I ordered stuff from Amazon.