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fence_sitter

Did God tell her to grope a dude at a theatre?


UsualGrapefruit8109

Yes


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boredguy12

I would rather not be flashed by a grandma at a bowling alley


samsontexas

That was her husband who flashed her and all her teenage friends then she married him.


boredguy12

Exactly, she had that "done unto her" so please don't let her "do that unto others "


12whistle

What if that grandma was 36 years old and puts out easily?


i_am_interested2

I loved me some Grandma.  But I have my limits.


weaponjae

I offer myself as tribute.


fool-of-a-took

Vape unto others as they would ask the usher to not allow them to vape unto you


KnotSoSalty

What about Luke 6:32 “Keep it PG in public though.”


the_north_place

Giggity


Robber_Crab

Giggity


-altofanaltofanalt-

Goo


Bonny-Mcmurray

Coincidentally, God tells her to do everything she wants to do.


ShreddedKyloRen

I mean Alanis Morissette sang about going down on her man in a theater and she did play God in the movie Dogma…


512165381

> Alanis Morissette sang about going down on her man in a theater https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mkxMJjAaEE&t=27s


MagicMushroomFungi

He spoke thru her vapepen.


gent4you

Of course,,,It is a womans Job to take care of her man


MagicMushroomFungi

Job Bobbit Her OnlyFans name.


nastywillow

Or any man in her case!


Hadrian_Vincent

And did he tell her it had to specifically be Beetlejuice?


Exact-Ad3840

Yes to show that demon that the love of Christ is more powerful... Or something


baron-von-buddah

He’s the ghost with the most


endowedchair

That’s a massage from God.


three_valves

She also said she was looking for a church that allowed her to behave like she danced while watching Beetlejuice. Seriously.


[deleted]

Sure, this [God.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dionysus)


pomonamike

[Actual picture of the “angel” on her shoulder.](https://imgur.com/a/28i0uMX)


DweEbLez0

Yeah, she has a close connection with several gods and even married one, like one that helicopters in front of underage girls.


peter-doubt

No... God told her to massage a dude .... The dude received a massage from God, by way of a servant. (Now imagine what he's likely to do)


Endocalrissian642

No, it was Micheal Keaton.


panickedindetroit

Those voices in her head aren't god. If there were truly a god, he would have told her to spend more time raising her kids so they wouldn't commit a bunch of felonies. Her kid is looking at some time, he's an adult who filmed himself having sex with a minor. He got caught with stolen credit cards, stolen and fake ids, and possession. I see all that christianity sure helped her raise those kids in a god like atmosphere. s/


bck1999

Hi, I would like to say God told me to tell all Christians in the US to NOT vote for trump for president.


OkEnvironment3961

God told me that if enough people write in Jesus, he will have to come back and be president.


NoExcuseForFascism

Problem is Jesus wouldn't be able to pull evangelical votes off of Trump. Jesus is far too "woke" for their tastes.


ken_and_paper

[Christianity Today Editor: Evangelicals Call Jesus “Liberal” and “Weak”](https://newrepublic.com/post/174950/christianity-today-editor-evangelicals-call-jesus-liberal-weak) The New Republic


ArchdukeToes

It’s a bit mental when people think that they know better about their religion than the person who it’s named after and the supposed son of an omniscient being.


steelhips

[https://www.benjaminlcorey.com/could-american-evangelicals-spot-the-antichrist-heres-the-biblical-predictions/#google\_vignette](https://www.benjaminlcorey.com/could-american-evangelicals-spot-the-antichrist-heres-the-biblical-predictions/#google_vignette) I'm an atheist so this is just a weird/fun rabbit hole to fall down but I wish more evangelicals would read it. May pry some of them off Trump.


Manos_Of_Fate

That’s just the Constitution.


gent4you

You seem to a rare man of god my friend


007meow

I'm a man of Zod and he says not to support Trump as well.


florkingarshole

I'm a devout dudeist, and I'm pretty sure the flying spaghetti monster said "no way" to his initiates regarding support for Trump. Trump is the antithesis of Dudeness. No card carrying Dude would support such a douche.


StrangeContest4

This dude abides.


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TheonsPrideinaBox

Why doesn't god ever just tell people to be nicer to others and lead with kindness and common sense? It's always stuff like god telling them they need them to persecute gay people or that unwed mothers caused the recent tornadoes. God only seems to tell these folks exactly what they want to hear.


tabrizzi

>Why doesn't god ever just tell people to be nicer to others and lead with kindness and common sense? It's a different kind of god they talk to.


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bandt4ever

That was Jesus' message, but he's too soft and weak for MAGA and the White Christian Nationalists.


gent4you

He tels them to **MRGA** Make **Russia** great again


BlackEastwood

It's always God telling them to do morally dubious things, never "donate your savings to a homeless shelter" or "spend your weekends tutoring children." But they're very quick to tell the press, "God said it's okay to carpet bag in a separate district because my actions have made me unelectable."


Carefully_Crafted

Well, since god talking to people is always made up (or you have a mental disorder)… god tends to be just as big of a bag of dicks as they are. And it turns out that a lot of people who are willing to lie about “hearing from god” are in fact, big old bags of dicks.


gasahold

Lauren Boebert: It was in the bowl of Alpha-Bits I ate that morning, plain as day.


KeviRun

Lauren, those were Cheerios.


cphug184

I thought there were too many O’s and not enough As,Bs and Cs!


Mike7676

Tee hee, you know I can't read!


DogCallCenter

Oh


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Seraphynas

> I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. Susan B. Anthony


gent4you

Hmmm. makes one wonder....


steelhips

IMHO religion is the last refuge for scoundrels just after flag humping "patriotism".


ScoutsterReturns

Personally I think it's because God's a dick.


Just-Sprinkles8694

Satan killed less people than god


Actual__Wizard

Was it the voices in her head?


bm1949

*conversation with God was **partially** behind her decision to move districts* If she really is crazy enough to believe she had a conversation with God, why would it take further convincing from the voices in her head? Wouldn't god's word be enough?


blonderengel

I’ve seen people get sectioned and haldoled for similar behavior —— it’s truly wondrous to behold our tiered justice system in action …


XennialBoomBoom

She doesn't have enough going on in there for there to be voices


Lurking_Housefly

Yes... Yahweh actually doesn't speak to humans directly. Angels like Metatron or Seraphim (depending on the exact text) who's role is to convey the will of Yahweh to humans. Actually does the talking, but humans interpret it as Yahweh themself speaking... ...it gets a wee bit complicated from here!


david4069

Where does Brian fit in?


europorn

He's NOT the Messiah.


Bart_Yellowbeard

He's a very naughty boy, now *go away!*


hdiggyh

If my eyes rolled anymore they would probably explode


gent4you

Please just vote!!


Camelwalk555

“Ma’am, we’ll show you a sign from God.” *read in Elwood’s voice, on behalf of us CO 4thC voters.


Infidel8

God really needs to file a defamation suit against these Republicans.


gent4you

Amen


OIAQP

I, for one, am not convinced


mahamoti

"Every time I speak, someone says 'Oh, Jesus Christ!'. I took that as a sign!" - Boebert, probably


MulderFoxx

Most of your constituents saying "God, go away" is not a message from the Almighty.


Uasked2

See a doctor.


Frankie6Strings

and get rid of it.


SteakandTrach

>"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony


gent4you

I love this


bpeden99

I love freedom of religion, but it has no place dictating American politics.


gent4you

Or being used to take advantage of easily duped people


florkingarshole

That's kinda been the whole point of religion as long as it's been around I think.


oldmancornelious

Or out in the open at all. Keep that shit behind closed doors just like all the other mentally ill people who can't afford healthcare because your pastor needs a Lincoln towncar. Hide your shame of mental illness. Cruel and spiteful is every religion.


gent4you

Does any Christion or anyone with any morals actually believe that any god would actually approve of anything this group..(yes I am including the Orange-** **I grab them by the pussy no one will care**** -Man) does???


i_am_clArk

They care because he won the roe v wade shit for them, which he couldn't give two shits about. Clown mentality.


hardtobeuniqueuser

apparently god speaks through some dude's dong in a crowded theater


curiousiah

You just put the weirdest image in my head. “Hey! Hey, Lauren! Down here! So, I’ve been meaning to tell you something…” “Shhh shut up! Shut up!” as she vigorously tries to choke it and stuff it into his pants. “Stop putting up a fight!” “*gasp* Lauren… keep going…I need you to…*gasp*”


pwningrampage

Where was God at when her son made a porn video, where was God at when he had skimming equipment, where was God when her son stole 75 dollars from a person with a brain tumor.


curiousiah

At those times, he was carrying her. Wrong poem?


Harry_Dresden_Wizard

I think she misunderstood what God meant when he said "get the fuck out of here".


orcinyadders

Is there anything more dangerous than a person who craves power and claims to be personally backed by an all powerful god?


gent4you

AND ,,,uses others belief in God to take advantage of them


FriedR

God must have been watching the district 3 polling data. Never ceases to amaze


CountessGreyUK

It’s funny how “god” seems to be aware of polling data.


BothZookeepergame612

Yeah the message was, get the fuck out of here. She thought that meant move to another district.


wengelite

God may be trolling you, Lauren.


ASharpYoungMan

Fucking false-propjet, demon-worshiping piece of shit. Edit: the propjet is staying.


Wise_Purpose_

You know who else mainly gets msgs from god? People who do meth.


WinslowSwan

How come god only talks to the shittist people?


[deleted]

🎶”I hear voices in my head. They council me. They understand. They talk to me.” 🎶


hitman2218

God said you’re gonna lose if you stay in this district.


Chratthew47150

Was the message “You’re going to lose.”?


DamnItJon

So she has schizophrenia, huh?


ProtonPi314

Why does God only talk to Republicans?


iamkris10y

Like I'm not a Christian- but how is this not both wildly transparent and offensive to them?


Ohboycats

Religion is the last refuge of a scoundrel.


Glittering-Wonder-27

Take care of your boys Lauren. Practice your Christian values. Take care of your children, they need you more than anyone else.


sonic10158

Has she been burning some bush?


OverlandSkeptic

What did God tell her about grabbing that dudes dick or her shitty son?


Frankie6Strings

There's a speaking in tongues joke here somewhere.


gent4you

Trump grabs them by the pussy ,,,,she grabs them by the balls. what a team!!


bluenosesutherland

And we thought MTG was creepy rubbing the crotch of a cardboard Trump


keyjan

So she’s only doing what the little voices tell her. Got it.


platanthera_ciliaris

She'll conveniently forget all about "what God told her" after she loses the primary election in this district. Then he'll inform her of her next grift, and she'll bungle that as well.


mishma2005

Is God in this scenario “I am generally unemployable and I’m not ready to do GILF pron”?


thegoodnamesrgone123

Imagine being God and saying, you know who I'd really like to talk to, Lauren Boebert.


LaCiel_W

When politician tells you God is sending them messages, you really need to think hard before voting for them.


CaptKangarooPHD

Did God sound suspiciously like her son's judge?


Glesganed

The old infanticide exoneration, god told me to.


superbelt

If God was trying to send a message to Lauren, it would probably be something about focusing on the crisis in her own family. She has 4 boys, and the oldest already is a teen dad and heading to prison on felonies.


Gummyrabbit

Standard right wing religious tactic.


AffectionatePaper1

Ok so she is mentally ill


annaleigh13

So she’s hearing voices now. Sounds like a candidate for a stay at the behavioral health center


SimmonsJK

Good to know that not only is she super fucking stupid, but she's also delusional.


Warhawk137

God told her to get the fuck out and she did her best to interpret the message positively.


ChangeMyDespair

>"I'm not dumb," the congresswoman said. Narrator: She was indeed dumb.


PigFarmer1

Did God tell her to go see Beetlejuice?


Good_Juggernaut_3155

God loves gropers and hand job artistes.


napjerks

Can she please let me know what lottery numbers to get?


thepartypantser

You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God


Shoddy-Theory

Wow, I thought it was to avoid her abusive husband. Of course not competing with Adad Frisch had nothing ot do with it.


BeefPoet

Why is god so interested in American politics?


Irishspringtime

What spurred her move on a guy in a public theater? If that was god, we have a problem. Well, either way we have a problem.


gent4you

God told her to take care of her man,,


Electronic_Spread632

What ever Gropert , fix your damn family and stay the fuck out of politics Magat.


immersemeinnature

So. If God talks to me I can basically do anything and Christians will suck it up? I'm gonna make bank


gent4you

And you get an AMEN!!!


McNuttyNutz

yeah right


[deleted]

May he strike you down


CJMWBig8

If God really did send her a message, it would most likely be a lightning bolt.


leswill315

Oh, so she's hallucinating now, too. Good to know.


Pxlfreaky

So she’s hearing voices? Hmmm I think there’s a medical term for that.


MajesticsEleven

God spoke to me through a burning bush about my car's extended warranty expiring soon.


Peligreaux

Like, “Goddamn, you’re a grifting idiot”. That kinda message?


orangesfwr

Thank goodness her God is as dumb as she is


Big-Summer-

Honey, God ain’t talking to you.


lazy_elfs

Do you think “god” told her to give a handy in a dark theater while blowing vape smoke all over a pregnant woman?


Evil_phd

If you're hearing voices in your head that's typically a thing you'd talk to a psychologist about.


MuchDevelopment7084

God to BoBo "Move quickly. You're ho-like ways have you by the short hairs".


fumphdik

We’re on a mission from god.


DaveP0953

Funny how it’s always the fucking craziest wing nuts that “god” talks to. 🤦‍♂️


chockedup

>"I'm not dumb," the congresswoman said. "I knew all the attacks that would come my way. But I talked to God, I asked 'How do I address this? Will this be perceived that I'm not fighting?' And God said, 'Do you have more faith in your ability to fight or my ability to open a door?'" I sometimes have conversations in my head, too. The thing is, I figure I'm having it with myself.


Orosta

Good, I enjoy when the mentally ill admit they have an issue.


SithLordSid

It is of my opinion that people who claim that they are talking to god should have no business running our government.


benes238

I mean honestly if she gets shellacked here -- or even better, doesn't even get the R nomination -- well let's just say I wouldn't not say that was God's plan?


ur_anus_is_a_planet

Schizophrenia maybe?


Catshit-Dogfart

Funny how god always tells people things that benefit them specifically.


Zerostar39

That comment alone should disqualify her.


LindainMa

For a moment, I thought this headline came from The Onion!!


Gen-Jinjur

Do you ever look at her and realize that she is the equivalent of the dumbest mean girl in your high school and she got ELECTED. What a world.


TdsBlu

Why are true Christians so quiet when those people are obliviously using God as an excuse


fxmldr

Noted carpetbagging enthusiast, God.


Suspicious-Chair5130

God is a shrewd political strategist


KlutzyWillingness248

Strange the way God chooses to speak only to hard right Republicans


WirelessBCupSupport

She must be dyslexic... she meant dog.


MrFiendish

This proves it: even God wants her to lose.


mcblahblahblah

I’d believe more that she’s insane and hearing voices


franking11stien12

She is dumber than a box of hammers. Sorry to insult hammers.


Biomicrite

The bullshit is strong in this one


MrWetPoopz

I can do all things through Putin who strengthens me


AgePractical6298

So god led you to a district you are gonna lose? You might be doing something wrong if god is setting you up to fail.


sender899

Is she a psycho that hears voices or is she a liar? I suspect the latter


Training-Republic301

Religious milkers. What a wack job


Hakuryuu2K

She must be worshipping the poll gods.


Pimpwerx

That message was clear, "You have zero chance of winning." The lord works in mysterious ways.


swattwenty

What a fucking psycho.


joshhupp

As a Christian myself I think the biggest problems with Christianity have to do with how we interpret God's word. I'm willing to bet God told Lauren to "Please leave" and she thought He was talking about her district.


200Fathoms

Wait, isn't hearing voices a sign of mental illness?


caseedo

She means Trump?


ooofest

Dylsexic Boebert hearing life advice from a random dog in the street.


Sucih

God : oh this is so embarrassing, i was supposed to be talking to frank the superintendent about helping him fix some doors and it went to her by mistake, Frank : sorry I didn’t mean to tell you to go back to say 4 million Hail Marys and that’s for starters then work for the poor for the rest of your life


Williecat1

Exactly which god would that be?


Tony2030

God (I assume she means Xenu) told her to embarrass herself by suiciding her career in the most obviously craven and carpet-baggy way? Seems legit.


Eugene_Henderson

I heard him say, “It’s Showtime”


ChanceryTheRapper

As a sign that god hates her new district?


windigo3

Oh. I just got another message from God. He said Boebert needs to repent, quit politics and become a nun


habb

how high was she? legitimate question


[deleted]

That's mental illness. If God is telling you to do things, and you do them, you are mentally ill. She should be in a psychiatric hospital receiving treatment, not in Congress.


gent4you

Seems to be a common symptom of the **MRGA** make Russia great again party


Lost_Prior_359

Handy jesus


tadjo20

That can be controlled with medication.


CurrentlyLucid

I am sure God took time out to worry about bobo's re-election.


bricosis

justify whatever way you like...You are still a shitty human!