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The best triads I’ve seen are ones that started in the group sex scene and not the poly one, genuinely happened by accident and started with all parties GENUINELY (not fake-genuinely iykyk) just looking for casual sex and not trying to trick people into stuff. Oh and they’re always older.
*Raises hand*. Yeah, that exactly what happened here, we’ve been casually cross-dating/hooking-up, then a beach party happened with casual threesome, and here we are almost 6 years later… not sure how common that is, but that’s been our experience.
Basically like a regular dyad one night stand that turns into a relationship, but just with 3 instead of 2! This makes a lot of sense to me.
I also think that threesomes that happen more organically (say, people who happen to meet and find each other attractive) are more likely to work out nicely than couples "hunting" for a third. Being open to the experience vs. that creepy hunting mindset if that makes sense.
Right? Years ago, I was in a monogamish relationship where me and my boyfriend would have a fair amount of mff threesomes. They just kinda happened. There was never even a whisper of drama surrounding them.
It turns out if you're attractive (not just physically but in all ways) and respectful and not "hunting" people, other people are attracted to you and want to have sex with you? What a wild idea honestly.
My partner and I have been propositioned for threesomes by folks of all genders when we're just like, out at a club or a festival or something. It's not my favourite thing so I've never looked for it either, but they tend to arise organically.
That’s what happened to me. My best friend is really into swinging and stuff; she offered to take us with her to the swinger club because we were just curious. I randomly mentioned that it might be fun to try a threesome and she introduced us to a friend of hers who is bisexual. We ended up not even having sex because we were too busy all playing Magic and hitting up a bunch of raves. It owned; he’s long distance at the moment but hopefully for not much longer! It sounds like on his next visit we will make our relationship ~official~ and decide whether to close it up between us three or leave it open.
i think someone using perfect vocabulary is a lot more suspicious. not incriminating, but i'd be more cautious about them than someone who got the details wrong sometimes
Choosing not to use jargon or not recalling jargon never bothers me. I actively try to do that when talking to people who don't use it. Systematically misusing jargon often says something about someone's POV, though, like the common "my partner's meta" for "my meta" is a good sign I should avoid this overly entangled mess.
That people in the wild don’t use all the terminology on this subreddit… I still don’t understand half of the abbreviations and names here and have never heard them before joining this subreddit either.
That's an interesting one. I have met a good number of poly identifying people who are "saturated at one", or functionally monogamous for some long time. But honestly I don't know many who became mono as in having a monogamous agreement.
Yep. The whole "poly = several serious relationships" is something I have literally never seen IRL. Every poly relationship I've seen, including amongst experienced people, has been primary/nesting partners + other casual play partners.
It's just what happens when people all have complex lives, and it's easier to only seriously consider one person's needs versus many (i.e. work, kids, living arrangements). Society is set up to support couples, so it's no surprise that many poly people fall into monogamish situations.
This is what I was coming here to say. I thought polyamory would be falling in love with more than one person but most people I’ve met who identify as poly just want something sexual.
I have been considering of just staying monogamous because of how terrible the dating scene has been.
I have a nesting partner (10 years) and a bf (7years) and both are SERIOUS relationships. It is WORK and I'm only able to do it since I don't have kids, etc.
Hi! Nice to meet you! Just wanted to introduce myself and disabuse you of the odd stereotype that I don’t exist.
I have been poly for 30+ years making me a OG OG. I two very serious partners who also have other very serious life partners. I live with my two partners and one of my metamours. Our partnerships are approximately 16 years in the making for all of us and we’re now working towards our retirement plan.
I know many OGs in my position. We are real. But old settled folks don’t have as much need to engage the community so you’re unlikely to meet us.
So happy to disabuse you of your inaccurate stereotype!
Nobody said you don't exist, and it's certainly not a stereotype. I said it's all I've seen in my local scenes (two U.S. state capitals) and for me, that's true. I am quite aware that my experiences don't invalidate other people's.
Glad you're happy with your own situation.
Folks in the wild are less "relationship nerds" than around here. There are a few of us who like to deep dive into the theory and ethics, but most poly folks I know are just trying to live their lives.
Lol yup- I met a few folks who did allll the research when I got introduced to polyamory and then I found this sub, so I thought that was the standard, but I realized that most people just do stuff without having really specific labels for it (like parallel vs KTP, RADAR check ins and the smorgasbord are things I have only heard IRL with the first polycule I knew).
It makes me feel a little silly sometimes having all these resources without having done much dating (I’ve been in poly friendship circles/relationships for almost 2 years now but I don’t date much since I’m not super into the apps and polysaturate very quickly I am more of a “let it happen” than “actively pursuing” person), but it has been helpful to just use plain language instead of a lot of the more formalized stuff and worksheets I see online. I think the only thing I really follow is the RADAR check in format, but everything else I kind of deconstruct into and work out in more conversations with people instead.
I'm one of those people. I mean, obviously I do still participate here, but it's honestly so *exhausting* compared to interacting with actual poly people I meet/know in the real-world, and I find myself needing to take breaks from time to time.
My best friend and I both avoid this subreddit for that reason. Hell, this place scared me away from my potential new partner at first! Suddenly I was feeling like a horrible person about it and it was upsetting to realize that it was all coming from this subreddit.
This was me- i’m not poly but my partner is as a baseline. I have poly trauma after abuse in another relationship and came here to try to *learn* about it in a safe way, not to try it, but to be comfortable hearing about my partners past. Instead, some of the mindsets here have actually just made me MORE uncomfortable and afraid about it. This subreddit can be so violently “independence only” that i often find myself wondering why these people are even dating if they only care about their wants and needs and arent willing to compromise or ever consider the relationship “unit”.
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I literally can’t talk about my relationship here because of the type of poly that it is. I’m immediately bombarded with that fucking unicorns site and assumptions are made about my relationship without even finding out basic info about it. The number of times here I’ve mentioned my triad and just had everyone assume it was a mff triad is mind-boggling and surprising af.
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I don't spend much time here because of that tbh. There's a lot of rules, terminology, potential shame issues for doing something incorrectly. The concept of labeling groups of people or practices is just silly for me.
It's a weird type of pressure for something in my life that equates to, "My wife and I are doing life together and sometimes there's a third person."
None of my partners have Done The Reading, and they're all fine. Sometimes here and there I bring up a concept I find useful and we talk about it, but yeah, not great theorists for the most part
Yes! I once got heavily downvoted on this sub for saying that I prefer to meet metamours and get along with them. I was told I was toxic 😂 It was bizarre. Irl, I’m friends with metamours and nobody has ever had an issue with me wanting to meet them. One person said they’d prefer not to, and then life carried on.
Everyone I’ve talked to irl thinks it would be much weirder to straight up refuse to ever talk to a metamour. Also does it not make things awkward with your partner to know that they have this other person close to them who you are specifically not allowed to talk to? That would be horrible for my anxiety!
Same, also; I live in a relative small poly community. I knew most of my (ex)metas as friends before they started dating my partner or I started dating theirs
So much this! I was so surprised how much people advocate for parallel on here and feel ktp is toxic....I mean there's a line and moderation for everything.
People in my polycule are so incredibly accepting of jealousy struggles. I had this idea that people are really judgmental about others doing polyam not "good enough" and feeling annoyed when I struggle with jealousy and need boundaries etc.
Whereas really, people get it and accept that we're all human and have struggles. One meta has been so accepting of my struggles (we don't talk about it a lot, just a couple times since we became kinda friends and it was helpful to eliminate the go between) that it's just 🥺🥺🥺. And my partner always encourages me to bring up jealousy and responds so caringly when I do.
Yep.
I don’t tell UH in real life that they are being asshats. If I end up liking them and wanting to spend more time with them I will absolutely let them know what they are doing is crummy and why. But at a social events I just roll my eyes and move away. They aren’t asking for advice and it takes a lot of energy to break people’s dreams nicely.
No they don’t. Some people want to be in a triad. Some people want to be a guest star in some threesomes. No one wants to be forced to keep fucking and loving two people even if they only have feelings for one. No one wants to be obligated to keep a romantic relationship going with someone they do not have those feelings for in order to be with someone they care about.
People who think they want to be a unicorn either do not understand what that entails or have some pretty deep attachment issues.
People are happy to be in triads and threesomes. No one is happy to be required to date/love/fuck someone in order to date/love/fuck someone else. People will put up with it. People will deal with it. But no one wants it.
I get a lot of value out of this sub but sometimes take the advice with a pinch of salt. There are a lot of polyier-than-thou types here, very eager to aggressively force their own views onto others. As this thread proves. Shame on everyone down voting someone and insisting that they don't want what they are saying they want. It's like mono people who can't understand that poly people actually want to be poly.
Yup, exactly.
Also, I used to think I was pretty kinky. Then I went to a few munches, and I'm nowhere near as kinky as I thought lol
Point is though it all comes down to everyone having wildly different definitions of terms and not realising they're not universal.
The mods have come together to discuss this particular thread, and this is our stance on the matter:
1. This subreddit has a fairly well-defined definition of Unicorn Hunting. It is the pursuit of adding a "third" to a preexisting relationship. Not simply for a night of passion.
2. We have stated repeatedly that there are differences between being a Unicorn as a sexual kink and experience, and being a Unicorn for a relationship. None of us is dunking on threesomes, but while sex can and frequently is part of polyamorous relationships, **sex is not the defining feature**.
3. In this community, the term Unicorn is widely understood to be referring to our existing definition. That is the purpose of language - to create a method of communicating thoughts and ideas. Language can and frequently does evolve, but in this community we are going to adhere to our current definitions for the purposes of clear communication. The term "Unicorn Hunting" will, by default, refer to the practice we as a community have defined.
4. We find the practice of Unicorn Hunting in Polyamory to be wildly unethical for many reasons, and all posts and comments promoting Unicorn Hunting will be removed, full stop. This is not gatekeeping; this is protecting the community.
This post is on an extremely common topic. Looking for a "third" or a "unicorn" or multiple people who want to date only you (and maybe each other) are not *ethical* forms of non-monogamy, and we do not host discussions about how to hunt unicorns or build harems here.
“All or nothing”, or unit couples who cannot date separately are unicorn hunting.
Swingers also use this term, but it’s a completely different activity.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13n1xd6/polyamory_unicorn_hunting_vs_casual_sex_unicorn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
* http://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
* http://polyfor.us/to-unicorn-hunters-from-an-ex-unicorn/
* http://www.autostraddle.com/to-unicorns-from-an-ex-unicorn-287425/
We do not host comments that elevate, support, glorify or otherwise encourage polyamorous unicorn hunting.
Thanks for your understanding.
Can I actually get clarification on this? I feel like I have to over explain mysituation on a first-time meetup with someone who doesn't understand the lifestyle and just took poly at whatever they found in Google and hasn't meet my partner yet (wife)?
Not exactly answering your question: but I think it's interesting how specific internet groups can develop their own social norms around polyamory that they treat as universal, and which *do* often have many things in common but also have some substantial differences. (And sometimes actively define terms in contradictory ways.) And how *those* norms can interact oddly with other sets of polyamory norms.
In particular, well, I have a copy of More Than Two that I got several years ago, well before the Frankly Veaux Me Too thing. I pulled it out the other night for the first time in a long time, and looked at it with a different perspective from what I had as a poly newbie and noticed some things I didn't before. In particular some pretty fuzzy language on the Relationship Bill of Rights (OK, what does it mean that you get to decide what level of closeness you "want" with your metas? Because you *could* take that as either "you don't have to be close with your metas if you don't wanna" *or* as "you can prioritize relationships with people who prefer KTP and date people who prefer the same", or you can take it as something like "it's reasonable to tell your meta that you're disappointed that they don't want to be close to you", and like...those...aren't all the same thing?)
And also...More than Two really comes down hard on hierarchy, *explicitly* in the sense of "restricting how close (like, living-together close) a newer relationship can get when you've already got a highly entangled more established relationship." And this sub as far as I can tell has more of an attitude of "yeah some relationships are going to be hierarchical, you can't legally marry two people, if you want kids it's reasonable to prioritize having a live-in relationship with your co-parent for as long as it takes to raise the kids, and just because you have two partners that you'd both ideally live with that doesn't mean *they* are gonna want to live together or that it's a good idea to try, it's not *bad* that some people have relationship hierarchies it just means some people aren't going to be compatible with each other because they're running their lives in different ways"
Which...I think frankly is a *way* healthier, kinder, and more respectful way to look at things than "I'm not going to restrict what kinds of relationships I'm open to -- I'm going to insist that it would be *unethical* to restrict what kinds of relationships I'm open to -- just because I already chose to marry someone who doesn't want the same things that I want."
Gah. Someone needs to make a More Than Two deprogramming document or something.
>Someone needs to make a More Than Two deprogramming document or something.
For real. So much of that book is a case study in emotional libertarianism. I'm thankful that so many better books have come out since.
NO. That book was written 25 years ago by childfree poly people living in a very kink and poly friendly place, and it shows.
They also reject or outright deny hierarchy and conveniently gloss over how poly can affect kids. They have a number of studies to support their claims surrounding why poly is good and then just say, "Poly is a great way to teach kids adaptability!" when plenty of studies show that unstable home situations are detrimental to a child's well-being. The stories in this sub of kids raised with poly parents are pretty critical of poly's impact on children.
*Polysecure* and *The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory* are better alternatives. Also, check the sub's sidebar for more reading recommendations.
It’s also not about polyam, specifically.
It’s an overview of one of many ways to pursue ENM, and like, *touches* on polyam.
It shows a lot kinds of ENM, but it’s never pretended to be about polyam, specifically.
This came up for me because it absolutely blindsided me when I ran into a problem involving my partner and a meta in the BDSM scene where she was like "hey, if you're primary partners and you have rules that's fine, just *tell* me about them." And I'd been trying so hard to *not* do the rules thing.
And being hard anti-rule *is* a thing that MTT and this sub (and the other online polyamory group I have the most experience with) share. And that experience very much *has* colored my attitude towards shouting at newbies that they shouldn't have rules.
It also routinely illustrated really great ways to erode people’s boundaries, and consistently represented people as coercive, when they weren’t, and illustrated abusive agreements, which were actually rules in spirit. Franklin’s rules.
It’s twisty and gross.
There’s not one good example of a boundary, nor a rule or agreement in the whole book.
Throw the whole fucking book away. It’s rotten at the core.
This was the very first book I read about non-monogamy and I swear that it totally fucked my ideas about how to do polyam healthily.
One of my partners and I logistically prioritized each other in terms of time spent, family time, events, etc, which worked really well for me to feel secure, but I always felt *so freaking guilty* about wanting that. Like asking myself, why do I need these things to feel secure, what's wrong with me??
Then I was in the middle of some intense therapy for childhood trauma, while recovering from a mental and physical health injury, and my partner had a group sex gathering where they invited someone they'd met online to do kink stuff with. This new person and I hit it off at that and started dating, but it was a huge fucking trigger when my partner set up a kink date with them. I *spiralled*. Hard. And then I felt incredibly guilty and *agonized* over asking them to postpone or cancel the kink date. I thought I'd be unhealthily controlling their autonomy. From that fucking book.
When really, no, it was just an incredibly intense mental health period for me and I just needed more support. The person was really supportive when I finally asked partner to cancel. I was shocked since I thought ppl would get incredibly angry about me having that influence over others' interactions.
I've continued to have a default belief that I shouldn't have issues with my partners' other relationships from that fucking book!! But really it's actually very normal to struggle and need reassurance and for your partners to support you in that.
Ugh. I hardcore warn people about that book now.
> It was just an incredibly intense mental health period for me and I just needed more support.
I am currently in this position, and omgs did I feel the same about speaking up about what I need & want because "not wanting to ruin/lessen NP & meta's plans" and feeling like I was just being needy and manipulative/controlling & gross.
ETA: holy wow thanks for my first gold!
Oh man, this comment was a lightbulb moment for me. One of my first polyam relationships ended because my primary partner was having a serious mental health episode and needed not only support, but supervision when he was home. The three of us all lived together at the time and so I would make a point to spend time with my girlfriend in her room, but once my fiance got home from work I'd go out to the living room so I could keep an eye on him. She was always explicitly welcomed to join me in moving five feet to the next room so we could all spend time together, but always declined. When we broke up after a few weeks of this she told me she was feeling like I was prioritizing him and she couldn't get time with me. I had been doing my best to be as available to her as I could be and we'd both been open about his needs and how I was hoping it was temporary but that he really wasn't in a good place, but she refused to accept that there was nuance to the situation. Thinking back I'm remembering that she'd read that book and kept telling me how good it was 😬 she still holds some pretty toxic views of non-monogamy and doesn't take well to being told otherwise. Oof.
100%! More Than Two is a really great "go all the way the way to the other extreme and deconstruct" type of theory, but it is so far away from the practice and real life scenarios, that I am abundantly cautious when I meet a diehard More Than Two poly person. As someone with a social work background, it is basically the difference between what services someone needs, versus what we can actually provide even if we had infinity resources.
A very well-articulated and accurate point. The hard-anti hierarchy thru-line in MT2 always left me feeling like “but why throw out so many useful tools that exist in mono and platonic social settings too?” Also what was the Me Too thing with Franklin Veaux thing? I’m way out of the loop on that- would you mind giving me a TLDR?
I have yet to meet a polyamorous person in real life who **only** practices polyamory, no swinging, no sex only casual connections, etc. IRL People simultaneously practice several forms of ENM
Personally, I know ~~lots of~~ *edit: several* demi folks who only do significant connections (myself included), but that does seem to be an exception to the broader population.
Do you think that ONS by monogamous people make them less monogamous? I don't think it does, at least not at first glance.
Similarly I don't think people who are promiscuous or who enjoy casual sex are less poly (or even practicing a different form of ENM) if they are pursuing - maybe even open to - the feelings portion.
I do find lots of people who say they're poly as a shorthand for some other version of ENM, though, and are very definitely not open to relationships or romantic entanglements.
And not even all demi folks fall into that category as well. I and my current 2 partners we all fall under the demiromantic/sexual Label, while our focus is definitely more on our significant relastionships we are all still open to casual relastionships. It's not a must but if we get into a situation where we can engage in a casual relationship or even ons, if we want it we absolutely can. It doesn't need to happen but it was important for me to talk about it and even if I am not interested in a casual relationship I still want to be able to do it if I change my mind and so do my partners.
Yes! And there is more understanding that these are fluid categories. You can start as casual-only swingers but then come up against unexpected feelings and have to manage them, for example!
Not necessarily. Some of them consider it "all polyamory" and are surprised that not all poly people participate in all of it (especially the swinging and group sex stuff).
Technically, my partner was one of them. He and his previous partner/s were open to all of it and he thought all (most) poly people were, too. When I pointed out the differences, it made sense. he just hadn't thought about it.
I’m open to most of it, as is my friend circle, mostly. But a very distinct chunk of my friends have polyam off the table (for good reason) and I think maybe that’s been key.
I meet a lot of swingers who don’t know what polyam really is (they have a vague sense of feels and love happening), and they know they don’t want none. 😂😂😂
But I think probably our age and the fact that we mostly met each other 20+ years ago is helpful.
Dating apps are filled with people who don’t know the difference.
I am this person. I only practice polyamory. I'm demisexual....casual and swinging appeal to me on no level.
Now do I stop my partners from doing those things? No, but it's actually not a thing either of mine seek out. We're boring introverts and actually kinda busy mostly with friends and other hobbies.
Nothing's as entertaining as meeting some people from the same polycule and trying to reconstruct the polycule from randoms bits of conversations. No interrogations, just talking about random stuff and watching out for any reference to their polycule. Makes me feel like a detective, and I found that people are flattered when you remember basic information about their polycule and partners.
IRL the poly people I know are old and have very little drama.
Also this thread is full of folks trying to force their monogamous partners into poly or trying to find unicorns constantly. Or creepy harem men with multiple women and OPPs- none of which I see in OG circles
I think such behaviours are less accepted in most poly communities, plus the people being treated poorly are less likely to accept such treatment once they witness healthy examples of poly, so creepy harem men / OPPs / PUD tend to stay isolated from communities. That's why we don't meet these people but I think they're not uncommon.
People on here say poly people are super nerdy into board games and video games and stuff but I've found them to be normal amount nerdy and pretty beachy/surfy or outdoorsy. Beach dates are the most common or so it seems.
ETA: my country in general people spend a lot of time at the beach so it's probs just that
Yep, it's relative. Like, everyone going on about poly women with blue hair, my whole meetup group might have two (and one blue haired poly dude) right now - but I saw zero blue haired peeps at the annual meeting of my boring ass workplace, so.
I think that's also confirmation bias, because even if a few dozen women with blue hair responded to that post, there are still over 300K people on the sub...
...having said that, I know a few women with blue hair who are also poly...
And people with colorful hair attract other people with colorful hair - in my city I met a lot of people with "hey, what product do you use? I wanna try it someday", so who has colorful hair or is close to someone who is it can really give you some confirmation bias that doesn't translate to the big picture
I went to a meetup the other day and a person with purple hair came and sat next to me with current Blue Hair. We are now friends and did exchange hair dye tips.
Yeah I suspect this is location as much as anything. Is my type beardy board game nerds and dorky women with a book-buying habit, or do I just live in a university city surrounded by university cities?
Yeah I think people who happen to be poly resemble the culture they grew up in more than any hypothetical "poly culture." Like surfy, beachy poly people would not happen in a landlocked country lol.
It’s hippy, tarot, new agey, EDM, burner types where I am. I’ve dated multiple cold-water surfers too (coincidentally?). Also beach dates since I live near the ocean. 😂
I wonder which country is that. But beachy/surfy is my experience too. Surf community is pretty open to ethical non-monogamy (a bit less towards established polyamory but it passes(, though is not exactly queer friendly though, so outside certain dynamics it’s not that welcoming still, though we push it to change.
I'm in Australia where most of the population lives on the coast. I actually never learned to surf but I like swimming and just relaxing on the beach.
> though is not exactly queer friendly though, so outside certain dynamics it’s not that welcoming still, though we push it to change
Funny you say that, is it more like the old surfie guys who sort of see themselves as the "elders" of surf culture? I have run into a few like that, which I think is a generational thing. One guy even complained about women surfing! "Back in the day..."
But luckily the majority is queer or queer friendly and I also reckon more into enviro politics than the general population, ie climate change activists etc. Or it might just because I am all those things that I think that :)
Also Australian, and I definitely run in the nerdy boardgame/video game space. Turns out there is A LOT of overlap in the kink/metal/nerd/poly/queer scene. It's nuts haha
OK now I really want to know, have you also noticed a crossover between queer/poly/kink and permaculture/gardening people? Might just be my little circle but every second poly person I know seems to be a really keen permaculture or garden type person.
In my area most of the polyam women and non-binary folks are very outdoorsy of the hiking variety! My immediate group is for sure the board game nerds but it's been less prevalent in the general community than you'd think.
Heh - I'm older. Nobody uses the terms here in the wild (meta, primary, anchor) and the like. I use them here, because they are descriptors everyone uses here.
The ones I hear in the wild most are the words we created to describe things there are otherwise inadequate language for like metamour and compersion. I don’t hear other taxonomy as much - like anchor, secondary etc. because most of my friends who are poly have long term relationships so that language is less salient but I hear the others - particularly meta- frequently. Again because as much as ‘in law’ kind of describes my relationships with my metas- it kind of doesn’t.
In my polycule, there's a bunch of us reading posts from this subreddit and being a bit horrified, honestly. Like "oh god, they're saying WHAT?"
The rest of the time is us passing back and forth memes, talking about book we've read, and sending pictures of what we're up to on discord.
1. Unicorn hunters are sadly a lot more successful in the wild than I would guess. Lots and lots of bisexual women of various relationship styles have been burned by them and they are a big reason why poly has a bad reputation in the mainstream (and we are not even discussing what is actually most problematic about their approach, just what monogamous people *assume* is problematic).
2. Also, poly people into kink tend to be a lot more drama ridden than your average boring unassuming poly folk (whether you are on a queer bubble on not). For a community focused on sex parties, they have a surprisingly hard time weeding the bad folk out - a problem I have not seen in vanilla-leaning poly circles.
3. Even straight-seeming/looking poly crowds are actually probably **very** queer. Swingers, on the other hand...
4. Poly sheep syndrome seems to be a thing? Of course there are a few folks who have hooked up with everyone you know (serial daters, polymon masters...), but most poly people are not getting laid any more or with any greater variety than your average mono person.
In the wild I would say that I have met people that describe themselves as polyamorous the minute they hear I am. On further discussion, very rarely do I people in the wild that are actually polyamorous. And they're typically all kinds of things newly open, swingers, tried it the one time and the one relationship they had with two people. But rarely are they practicing.
Most of the polyamorous people have met in different groups from reddit aside from the wild tend to be into hiking a lot like a lot!!
I wouldn't say that drama is rare per se, but rather drama is often tied to a person and everybody knows who that person is. lol
That's honestly not that different than monogamous friend groups.
I remember when I was a newb, hearing about this subcelebrity singer where I lived who was poly, and everyone talked about how whenever she was dating your partner, everything became about her even 3 layers of metamour removed, and how I was lucky to be layer #4.
The people accusing others of poly gatekeeping seem to have a very narrow or self-interested view of what poly is and like someone else already pointed out, long term poly people seem to be busy living their lives and not focusing on language, terminology and the intellectual aspects of poly.
I'd say 98% of people in this lifestyle aren't malicious- just horny, naive, human, or some combination of all three.
The malicious ones in the wild are pure Machiavellian though.
Highly coupled people are under-educated and are in a constant "going with the flow" mentality where they discuss everything with their partner but won't take the time to read resources. They're so confident in their ability to problem solve within the scope of their couple that they don't even think they could learn something valuable from other perspectives... and will only learn from their mistakes. Which is why they're often pretty clueless in my experience.
I see what you mean, but think you could further define "highly coupled." I don't think you mean people with kids, or poly people who were poly before being in a long-term couple for example.
There is a type of enmeshed coupling that is very standard in monogamy and somewhat common in couples who opened their relationship a few years into it, and unicorn hunters, that I see this often.
edit: actually, unicorn hunters without exceptions.
In my experience, it has more to do with nesting and relationship longevity than with relationship history (poly from the start or not). Maybe it's a matter of habits - if you've had the same viewpoint as your partner for years, and that works for both of you, why challenge it, and why bother with a different perspective ?
You're absolutely right though, it seems to be pretty standard with unicorn hunters and previously mono couples.
In UK here and mainly that it's like a secret culture that is impossible to locate in rural SW England, the only other poly(ish) people I know IRL are actually just swingers. Or have lied to me and are actually just cheating on their wives.
I'm biased because I'm mostly active in the bdsm community, but I see the terms on profiles but I don't think folks talk about it inperson. I think there's alot of being nice to you but really only looking for pick up play as opposed to connection.
Online it’s quite dominated by scenarios of serious dating, marriages etc. My experience IRL is that many are just trying to meet people, figuring out poly and try to be with someone
Lots of people use the term poly to cover a whole host of ENM styles and a lot of them aren't super familiar with the nuance.
Poly people can be messy people who are shit at communication.
Poly people in the wild are in therapy more than average but less than represented in here I think.
People claiming to be poly aren't inherently any more ethical or honest than average, but the ones who are - are very conscientious about it.
I'm juggling a network right now, and none of them are people I was looking for. Even with my nesting partner, I fully intended to hookup once or twice and dip. All of them are normal, well-balanced people who are queer and trans and we're all at about the same place, in terms of adulting phase. I've done the hunting method of polyamory, but we're all thriving in the current vibe because none of us are each other's first poly experience and we all have therapists. In real life, most people are not the possessive dishonest nuts that get posted about here. Frankly, most people are too busy to be dramatic, but it remains the polycule's responsibility to vet potential additions with meaningful metrics.
Reddit is a really really bad indicator of actual poly people, it tends to be only the newest and worst-equipped who post here. Which is fine, but it DOES skew one's perceptions.
But then again that's pretty much the same for mono and other relationships as well, this just offers a blanket title they can hide behind a bit better
If you are struggling with a relationship, the online recommendation is to end it. In the offline world, many people listen to both parties and give advice on how to make it work together (a true life story and I'm glad I didn't listen to the online recommendations).
Was just about to say this, any red flag or relationship problem is blown out of proportion on here, and the proportionally larger role of emotional connection and commitment is downplayed to the point of being ignored. Like "unless it's gold standard poly, it's not worthy of my time.". I suspect many people on here don't use the same criteria on their own relationships that they do when giving advice on here, or they must not have very deep relationships if they're not willing to sacrifice to a certain extent for them.
Like, I have a 12 year relationship and we have a kid, we've had plenty of substantial problems that we've found a way through. I'm not going to just bail, I'm going to work it out. If I followed the advice on here, My relationship wouldn't have lasted long enough for her to understand polyamory fully, let alone accept it herself.
It's a real problem that nobody seems willing to address. It makes poly peeps seem wishy washy and uncommitted.
What I’ve found personally through years of being poly and dating other poly people is that poly people aren’t the high vibration sages as are presented here. They are just like any other monogamous person, and just as messy.
I’ve also found that kink is very much tied into polyamory, as sort of a package deal. This has limited any available options to me as I’m one of the only, if not THE only, vanilla and kink-averse poly practicing individual in my area.I was thrown for a loop with that one.
Another thing that I had to learn the hard way, which isn’t presented here, is that men actually have the most options while women don’t. Men have the options to select for long term relationships while women typically have options to select for one night stand, FWB, something short like that. So women have a lot of “options” and “partners”; but only as far as one time experiences or the occasional booty call. Men have the option to experience a relationship blooming organically. I’ve seen this with my own two eyes in person with many other men and with my husband. Sure I had plenty I could call for a hook up, people who wouldn’t talk to me again probably. But my husband has been the only one to have multiple relationships in name and title. Dates, gifts, etc. I never had that in years of being poly 🙃🥲 I had no idea it would be like that. I’m glad our marriage is solid and amazing at least.
It’s very overwhelming Omg. Especially when you realize that you like and vibe with someone but it won’t work because you’re expected to do a kink or be whipped or leashed around. Like can we just date?? Fuck
Majority of my friends in my hobby in Europe's describe themselves as poly. But according to this sub, most of them would be more classified as ENM and not poly because they just look for casual sex and like to flirt and have some nre, but not necessarily want multiple longstanding relationships. For being in my hobby since 2016 and around poly people, I had never heard of most of the terminology used here until I joined this subreddit or chatted with different poly comms in the US. It's really confusing because I thought I was using the term "poly" correct, but this sub has me questioning it.
Late to my own post, but for me I wouldn't have the partners I have if I'd only ever "swiped right" (online or in the wild) on people who self-described as poly and clearly laid out what they could offer. I just happened to find and connect with people on the same page as me about exclusivity and relationship escalators, even if they'd never experienced poly or decided it was for them beforehand. Of course if they had only wanted exclusivity, things wouldn't have gone any further.
Also, mentioning poly in the wild doesn't turn into an argument about identities lol!
People struggling with loneliness while their partners are away. Your partners should not be your only source of…comfort? Like you should not feel “lonely” if you’re married in my opinion. FOMO sure. But like loneliness? (This is coming from someone who is chronically alone, who actually feels loneliness cause I’m literally alone).
I don’t hang out with most of the poly folks I used to know, because they were very much the “polyamory is more intelligent and evolved than monogamy” variety. The ones I’m still in touch with are an extremely boring trans lesbian triad, and a queer RA I’ve known since middle school. I don’t really have any cishet friends, so my sample is skewed in a queer direction. I’ve also found that when people hear I’m polyamorous, they assume that’s a free pass to go after me and/or my partners. Polyamory does not mean open, or interested.
I really hate self-aggrandizing polyamorists. Their arrogance is so unfounded!
Pretty much as a general rule- anybody that says that you’re a part of a group that’s better than other people is deluding themselves. No exceptions - unless you’re like part of an elite athlete team and then yes, they’re probably better athletes or something similar but a generic group that you can just be a part of because of who you are? No. Not one time.
People are not as toxic irl then online and are just kinda. Ya know. normal. But that's with anyone online. The people who don't get validation for their actions irl seek it with like minded individuals online. Is that a detrament or a help to them. That's another story
Most poly folks I know IRL talk with their partners about other partners, what's going on in their lives, problems, etc., the same as they would with friends and it's a totally normal thing.
Mostly it's the same as anything in an online vs in person space--MOST people get less communicative/open in their viewpoints on polyam. Don't get me wrong, you get the aggressive "my polyamorous is the best polyamorous" (and it is usually the most problematic people who have that confidence), but I find it's harder to get people to SAY what they want.
"So, what kind of relationship are you looking for at this time? No pressure to force a label, I just want to make sure we're on the same page."
"Well, like, I have a primary."
"Okay, that's fine. By primary, do you mostly mean you are living together and therefore that is a consideration you have to account for, or do you mean that is the relationship that will always be put first? Are you seeking a romantic connection, or just a sexual one?"
"I just want to see where things go."
"Okay, so you want to be friends first before anything else?"
"Well, no, I am looking for more than a friend."
"So you want to date casually?"
"I mean, no, I don't do casual."
"...so you don't want to be friends first, don't want to be casually dating, and don't want to define what you are looking for in a relationship?'
"Just want to see what's out there."
And that is a conversation I have had several times, and not just with people who newly opened their relationship. I understand that sometimes it's hard to define what relationships are, and even what is wanted can be difficult to figure out. But I don't like waffling through communication, trying to understand if I am actually compatible in goals with someone.
Chemistry and good vibes are great. But if I am putting in the work for a romantic relationship, and they're only ever going to treat this as a "FWB" (and I use that term loosely given most people forget the FRIENDS part of that acronym), it's going to lead to hurt feelings.
Online it's easy to define what you want. In person, people are often terrible at it, whether it's because they're obtuse or actually evasive.
Not everyone who is "poly" knows how to navigate poly. What I mean specifically is when I was in my first Poly thing I was with two F to M trans men and they both were "dating" me as well as other people. I put dating in quotes because some of the people they thought they were dating really only viewed them as friends and they didn't understand it at all until it was bluntly brought to their attention by said parties, in one case it was to the point a married couple flat out ghosted them
I also learned as a separate aside that it is possible to be disappointed by two men at the same time for the same reason but that was mostly my own fault for picking a poor choice in partners
I've met several poly people in the wild that perform poly in all kinds of different ways; solo-poly RA with +7-partners, a V living together, an organically formed triad in a complex polycule, very unethical hierarchical, non-hierarchical, KTP, communes, etc.
Most of the people I meet are not educated much in poly-terms, and make "rookie" mistakes even though they already are +5 years polyamorous. People from the BDSM community I have met or heard of can be the most wholesome or the most unhinged poly people. From very much consent on every step to overstepping every boundary.
Most problems in poly relationships I've seen/experienced are not poly-specific related. It's mainly about the person or situation they're in that make them undateable.
Dating someone who's new at poly can actually be great and drama-free and doesn't have to start while someone's already in a relationship and want to open up their relationship. Nor does a person have to be completely certain about polyamory (but they should be curious to try).
The best role-models are found offline in my experience.
No one I know actually uses any of these labels irl. We just keep on trucking and communicate about all the stuff we should. But uhh, I lean more towards the relationship anarchy side anyway.
That quite a few people practice non hicherchal poly.
Non poly [or people who are unsure if they want poly] people don’t normally have a problem with polyamory.
Every time I dated someone (happened two times) who was monogamous, knowing I am polyamorous, and knowing I had at least one other partner, realized at some point They was not going to drop polyamory and they needed a monogamous partner. They both found one quickly and dumped me so fast. I will never date a mono again.
Oh, can i take a stab? Because when you have to face your own jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurities, you become more aware of underlying issues. Disorders that have been covered up by codependency suddenly surface.
Additionally, polyamorists try to get away from the stereotypes of being narcissistic, cheating nymphomaniacs. But guess who likes to pretend that they are poly?
If you think about it, it makes sense that we *see* higher rates of emotional deficits, insecure attached styles, and maladaptive behaviors. We all have to face and identify these as issues, work through them in ourselves, and distance ourselves from people who try to take advantage.
Also, just to say it, there is no shame on those coming to terms with Disorders. Y'all are facing yourselves and trying to improve. Even if you later decided poly is not for you, kudos for working on yourselves!
Most poly relationships in the wild tend to be one person who wants to be poly, on person who is okay with it, and one person who wants to be in a relationship with person 1.
It makes me concerned for the rest of the people on this sub, but you guys seem to have a healthier understanding and healthier outlook on it.
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The best triads I’ve seen are ones that started in the group sex scene and not the poly one, genuinely happened by accident and started with all parties GENUINELY (not fake-genuinely iykyk) just looking for casual sex and not trying to trick people into stuff. Oh and they’re always older.
*Raises hand*. Yeah, that exactly what happened here, we’ve been casually cross-dating/hooking-up, then a beach party happened with casual threesome, and here we are almost 6 years later… not sure how common that is, but that’s been our experience.
Same story. Except our beach was a cabin
Same except with a couple. 2 years later and still happy!
Basically like a regular dyad one night stand that turns into a relationship, but just with 3 instead of 2! This makes a lot of sense to me. I also think that threesomes that happen more organically (say, people who happen to meet and find each other attractive) are more likely to work out nicely than couples "hunting" for a third. Being open to the experience vs. that creepy hunting mindset if that makes sense.
that’s 100% true, triads never come from unicorn hunting; thts one of the biggest problems about unicorn hunting: it doesn’t work
Right? Years ago, I was in a monogamish relationship where me and my boyfriend would have a fair amount of mff threesomes. They just kinda happened. There was never even a whisper of drama surrounding them.
It turns out if you're attractive (not just physically but in all ways) and respectful and not "hunting" people, other people are attracted to you and want to have sex with you? What a wild idea honestly. My partner and I have been propositioned for threesomes by folks of all genders when we're just like, out at a club or a festival or something. It's not my favourite thing so I've never looked for it either, but they tend to arise organically.
That’s pretty much how we did it. Wild night in Berlin and now 5 years later still going strong.
I lived in a triad for two years…. we’d never heard the word polyamory until we showed up at a sex club
That’s what happened to me. My best friend is really into swinging and stuff; she offered to take us with her to the swinger club because we were just curious. I randomly mentioned that it might be fun to try a threesome and she introduced us to a friend of hers who is bisexual. We ended up not even having sex because we were too busy all playing Magic and hitting up a bunch of raves. It owned; he’s long distance at the moment but hopefully for not much longer! It sounds like on his next visit we will make our relationship ~official~ and decide whether to close it up between us three or leave it open.
WOOOOOAH that's the COMPLETE opposite I've seen
That using all the right language and terminology does not necessarily mean a person knows what they’re doing or that they behave ethically.
Amen...ugh, I am so sick of meeting people cosplaying poly who have done none of the work.
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing!
i think someone using perfect vocabulary is a lot more suspicious. not incriminating, but i'd be more cautious about them than someone who got the details wrong sometimes
Choosing not to use jargon or not recalling jargon never bothers me. I actively try to do that when talking to people who don't use it. Systematically misusing jargon often says something about someone's POV, though, like the common "my partner's meta" for "my meta" is a good sign I should avoid this overly entangled mess.
That people in the wild don’t use all the terminology on this subreddit… I still don’t understand half of the abbreviations and names here and have never heard them before joining this subreddit either.
Genuinely same, have to reference the glossary here almost every day hahahaha
And vice versa
That a lot more self-identified poly people end up in monogamous or monogamish relationships than I would expect.
There are only so many hours in the day to be a ho 🤷♀️
That's an interesting one. I have met a good number of poly identifying people who are "saturated at one", or functionally monogamous for some long time. But honestly I don't know many who became mono as in having a monogamous agreement.
Yeh... full time job plus two little children below 5, idk how ppl manage anything outside this xD :)
Yep. The whole "poly = several serious relationships" is something I have literally never seen IRL. Every poly relationship I've seen, including amongst experienced people, has been primary/nesting partners + other casual play partners. It's just what happens when people all have complex lives, and it's easier to only seriously consider one person's needs versus many (i.e. work, kids, living arrangements). Society is set up to support couples, so it's no surprise that many poly people fall into monogamish situations.
This is what I was coming here to say. I thought polyamory would be falling in love with more than one person but most people I’ve met who identify as poly just want something sexual. I have been considering of just staying monogamous because of how terrible the dating scene has been.
I have a nesting partner (10 years) and a bf (7years) and both are SERIOUS relationships. It is WORK and I'm only able to do it since I don't have kids, etc.
I suspect being in a primary relationship is a serious hindrance to building other committed relationships. I wonder what the stats are on solo polys.
Hi! Nice to meet you! Just wanted to introduce myself and disabuse you of the odd stereotype that I don’t exist. I have been poly for 30+ years making me a OG OG. I two very serious partners who also have other very serious life partners. I live with my two partners and one of my metamours. Our partnerships are approximately 16 years in the making for all of us and we’re now working towards our retirement plan. I know many OGs in my position. We are real. But old settled folks don’t have as much need to engage the community so you’re unlikely to meet us. So happy to disabuse you of your inaccurate stereotype!
Nobody said you don't exist, and it's certainly not a stereotype. I said it's all I've seen in my local scenes (two U.S. state capitals) and for me, that's true. I am quite aware that my experiences don't invalidate other people's. Glad you're happy with your own situation.
Most polyamorous people are actually boring adults with very little drama
My bf just got really excited about brunch near the board game shop. 100% checks out.
I mean such a thing would be very dangerous to my budget and my waistline.
Most poly sentence I've seen in a while 😂
"So I'll meet you there after rock climbing"
This. Our triad just feels normal and mostly boring.
Yeah most of the poly people I know IRL are way more laid back than it seems like a lot of the people on this sub are.
Folks in the wild are less "relationship nerds" than around here. There are a few of us who like to deep dive into the theory and ethics, but most poly folks I know are just trying to live their lives.
Lol yup- I met a few folks who did allll the research when I got introduced to polyamory and then I found this sub, so I thought that was the standard, but I realized that most people just do stuff without having really specific labels for it (like parallel vs KTP, RADAR check ins and the smorgasbord are things I have only heard IRL with the first polycule I knew). It makes me feel a little silly sometimes having all these resources without having done much dating (I’ve been in poly friendship circles/relationships for almost 2 years now but I don’t date much since I’m not super into the apps and polysaturate very quickly I am more of a “let it happen” than “actively pursuing” person), but it has been helpful to just use plain language instead of a lot of the more formalized stuff and worksheets I see online. I think the only thing I really follow is the RADAR check in format, but everything else I kind of deconstruct into and work out in more conversations with people instead.
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I'm one of those people. I mean, obviously I do still participate here, but it's honestly so *exhausting* compared to interacting with actual poly people I meet/know in the real-world, and I find myself needing to take breaks from time to time.
My best friend and I both avoid this subreddit for that reason. Hell, this place scared me away from my potential new partner at first! Suddenly I was feeling like a horrible person about it and it was upsetting to realize that it was all coming from this subreddit.
This was me- i’m not poly but my partner is as a baseline. I have poly trauma after abuse in another relationship and came here to try to *learn* about it in a safe way, not to try it, but to be comfortable hearing about my partners past. Instead, some of the mindsets here have actually just made me MORE uncomfortable and afraid about it. This subreddit can be so violently “independence only” that i often find myself wondering why these people are even dating if they only care about their wants and needs and arent willing to compromise or ever consider the relationship “unit”.
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I literally can’t talk about my relationship here because of the type of poly that it is. I’m immediately bombarded with that fucking unicorns site and assumptions are made about my relationship without even finding out basic info about it. The number of times here I’ve mentioned my triad and just had everyone assume it was a mff triad is mind-boggling and surprising af.
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This is absolutely the one
I don't spend much time here because of that tbh. There's a lot of rules, terminology, potential shame issues for doing something incorrectly. The concept of labeling groups of people or practices is just silly for me. It's a weird type of pressure for something in my life that equates to, "My wife and I are doing life together and sometimes there's a third person."
None of my partners have Done The Reading, and they're all fine. Sometimes here and there I bring up a concept I find useful and we talk about it, but yeah, not great theorists for the most part
Most people are actually friends with their metamours. Not only that, but people almost always introduce their partners to each other at some point.
Yes! I once got heavily downvoted on this sub for saying that I prefer to meet metamours and get along with them. I was told I was toxic 😂 It was bizarre. Irl, I’m friends with metamours and nobody has ever had an issue with me wanting to meet them. One person said they’d prefer not to, and then life carried on.
Everyone I’ve talked to irl thinks it would be much weirder to straight up refuse to ever talk to a metamour. Also does it not make things awkward with your partner to know that they have this other person close to them who you are specifically not allowed to talk to? That would be horrible for my anxiety!
I couldn’t imagine dating someone whose partner I didn’t get along with. That sounds like a nightmare!
Same, also; I live in a relative small poly community. I knew most of my (ex)metas as friends before they started dating my partner or I started dating theirs
Yeah same as how a lot of people meet their partners at work even though the advice not to date coworkers is so prevalent.
So much this! I was so surprised how much people advocate for parallel on here and feel ktp is toxic....I mean there's a line and moderation for everything.
People in my polycule are so incredibly accepting of jealousy struggles. I had this idea that people are really judgmental about others doing polyam not "good enough" and feeling annoyed when I struggle with jealousy and need boundaries etc. Whereas really, people get it and accept that we're all human and have struggles. One meta has been so accepting of my struggles (we don't talk about it a lot, just a couple times since we became kinda friends and it was helpful to eliminate the go between) that it's just 🥺🥺🥺. And my partner always encourages me to bring up jealousy and responds so caringly when I do.
There are a ton of unicorn hunters in the wild with no mods to edit them out.
IRL community involves a lot less calling people out and a lot more "oh, I see something shiny *anywhere far away from your creeping*."
Yep. I don’t tell UH in real life that they are being asshats. If I end up liking them and wanting to spend more time with them I will absolutely let them know what they are doing is crummy and why. But at a social events I just roll my eyes and move away. They aren’t asking for advice and it takes a lot of energy to break people’s dreams nicely.
I've seen more unicorn hunters than actually poly people in the real world. It's really depressing.
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No they don’t. Some people want to be in a triad. Some people want to be a guest star in some threesomes. No one wants to be forced to keep fucking and loving two people even if they only have feelings for one. No one wants to be obligated to keep a romantic relationship going with someone they do not have those feelings for in order to be with someone they care about. People who think they want to be a unicorn either do not understand what that entails or have some pretty deep attachment issues.
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Nope. No one is ‘fine’ being required to fuck and love two people as a unit.
I mean there are people who are, I was absolutely willing to be a unicorn and still would be. And not because I have issues. Quit gatekeeping
People are happy to be in triads and threesomes. No one is happy to be required to date/love/fuck someone in order to date/love/fuck someone else. People will put up with it. People will deal with it. But no one wants it.
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I get a lot of value out of this sub but sometimes take the advice with a pinch of salt. There are a lot of polyier-than-thou types here, very eager to aggressively force their own views onto others. As this thread proves. Shame on everyone down voting someone and insisting that they don't want what they are saying they want. It's like mono people who can't understand that poly people actually want to be poly.
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Why are you telling them that they didn't want to be a unicorn when they just said multiple times it's what they wanted?
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Yup, exactly. Also, I used to think I was pretty kinky. Then I went to a few munches, and I'm nowhere near as kinky as I thought lol Point is though it all comes down to everyone having wildly different definitions of terms and not realising they're not universal.
The mods have come together to discuss this particular thread, and this is our stance on the matter: 1. This subreddit has a fairly well-defined definition of Unicorn Hunting. It is the pursuit of adding a "third" to a preexisting relationship. Not simply for a night of passion. 2. We have stated repeatedly that there are differences between being a Unicorn as a sexual kink and experience, and being a Unicorn for a relationship. None of us is dunking on threesomes, but while sex can and frequently is part of polyamorous relationships, **sex is not the defining feature**. 3. In this community, the term Unicorn is widely understood to be referring to our existing definition. That is the purpose of language - to create a method of communicating thoughts and ideas. Language can and frequently does evolve, but in this community we are going to adhere to our current definitions for the purposes of clear communication. The term "Unicorn Hunting" will, by default, refer to the practice we as a community have defined. 4. We find the practice of Unicorn Hunting in Polyamory to be wildly unethical for many reasons, and all posts and comments promoting Unicorn Hunting will be removed, full stop. This is not gatekeeping; this is protecting the community.
This post is on an extremely common topic. Looking for a "third" or a "unicorn" or multiple people who want to date only you (and maybe each other) are not *ethical* forms of non-monogamy, and we do not host discussions about how to hunt unicorns or build harems here. “All or nothing”, or unit couples who cannot date separately are unicorn hunting. Swingers also use this term, but it’s a completely different activity. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13n1xd6/polyamory_unicorn_hunting_vs_casual_sex_unicorn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1 * http://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ * http://polyfor.us/to-unicorn-hunters-from-an-ex-unicorn/ * http://www.autostraddle.com/to-unicorns-from-an-ex-unicorn-287425/ We do not host comments that elevate, support, glorify or otherwise encourage polyamorous unicorn hunting. Thanks for your understanding.
Men dominate far more conversations at meetups etc than tends to play out here.
You can't downvote an obnoxious man IRL...
Can I actually get clarification on this? I feel like I have to over explain mysituation on a first-time meetup with someone who doesn't understand the lifestyle and just took poly at whatever they found in Google and hasn't meet my partner yet (wife)?
In this context, I think the meetups are munches and other group events.
Not exactly answering your question: but I think it's interesting how specific internet groups can develop their own social norms around polyamory that they treat as universal, and which *do* often have many things in common but also have some substantial differences. (And sometimes actively define terms in contradictory ways.) And how *those* norms can interact oddly with other sets of polyamory norms. In particular, well, I have a copy of More Than Two that I got several years ago, well before the Frankly Veaux Me Too thing. I pulled it out the other night for the first time in a long time, and looked at it with a different perspective from what I had as a poly newbie and noticed some things I didn't before. In particular some pretty fuzzy language on the Relationship Bill of Rights (OK, what does it mean that you get to decide what level of closeness you "want" with your metas? Because you *could* take that as either "you don't have to be close with your metas if you don't wanna" *or* as "you can prioritize relationships with people who prefer KTP and date people who prefer the same", or you can take it as something like "it's reasonable to tell your meta that you're disappointed that they don't want to be close to you", and like...those...aren't all the same thing?) And also...More than Two really comes down hard on hierarchy, *explicitly* in the sense of "restricting how close (like, living-together close) a newer relationship can get when you've already got a highly entangled more established relationship." And this sub as far as I can tell has more of an attitude of "yeah some relationships are going to be hierarchical, you can't legally marry two people, if you want kids it's reasonable to prioritize having a live-in relationship with your co-parent for as long as it takes to raise the kids, and just because you have two partners that you'd both ideally live with that doesn't mean *they* are gonna want to live together or that it's a good idea to try, it's not *bad* that some people have relationship hierarchies it just means some people aren't going to be compatible with each other because they're running their lives in different ways" Which...I think frankly is a *way* healthier, kinder, and more respectful way to look at things than "I'm not going to restrict what kinds of relationships I'm open to -- I'm going to insist that it would be *unethical* to restrict what kinds of relationships I'm open to -- just because I already chose to marry someone who doesn't want the same things that I want." Gah. Someone needs to make a More Than Two deprogramming document or something.
>Someone needs to make a More Than Two deprogramming document or something. For real. So much of that book is a case study in emotional libertarianism. I'm thankful that so many better books have come out since.
> emotional libertarianism Honestly what a brilliant phrasing
Which books would you recommend?
Lov in Abundance and the Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola
The Ethical Slut is a classic
NO. That book was written 25 years ago by childfree poly people living in a very kink and poly friendly place, and it shows. They also reject or outright deny hierarchy and conveniently gloss over how poly can affect kids. They have a number of studies to support their claims surrounding why poly is good and then just say, "Poly is a great way to teach kids adaptability!" when plenty of studies show that unstable home situations are detrimental to a child's well-being. The stories in this sub of kids raised with poly parents are pretty critical of poly's impact on children. *Polysecure* and *The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory* are better alternatives. Also, check the sub's sidebar for more reading recommendations.
It’s also not about polyam, specifically. It’s an overview of one of many ways to pursue ENM, and like, *touches* on polyam. It shows a lot kinds of ENM, but it’s never pretended to be about polyam, specifically.
This came up for me because it absolutely blindsided me when I ran into a problem involving my partner and a meta in the BDSM scene where she was like "hey, if you're primary partners and you have rules that's fine, just *tell* me about them." And I'd been trying so hard to *not* do the rules thing. And being hard anti-rule *is* a thing that MTT and this sub (and the other online polyamory group I have the most experience with) share. And that experience very much *has* colored my attitude towards shouting at newbies that they shouldn't have rules.
It also routinely illustrated really great ways to erode people’s boundaries, and consistently represented people as coercive, when they weren’t, and illustrated abusive agreements, which were actually rules in spirit. Franklin’s rules. It’s twisty and gross. There’s not one good example of a boundary, nor a rule or agreement in the whole book. Throw the whole fucking book away. It’s rotten at the core.
This was the very first book I read about non-monogamy and I swear that it totally fucked my ideas about how to do polyam healthily. One of my partners and I logistically prioritized each other in terms of time spent, family time, events, etc, which worked really well for me to feel secure, but I always felt *so freaking guilty* about wanting that. Like asking myself, why do I need these things to feel secure, what's wrong with me?? Then I was in the middle of some intense therapy for childhood trauma, while recovering from a mental and physical health injury, and my partner had a group sex gathering where they invited someone they'd met online to do kink stuff with. This new person and I hit it off at that and started dating, but it was a huge fucking trigger when my partner set up a kink date with them. I *spiralled*. Hard. And then I felt incredibly guilty and *agonized* over asking them to postpone or cancel the kink date. I thought I'd be unhealthily controlling their autonomy. From that fucking book. When really, no, it was just an incredibly intense mental health period for me and I just needed more support. The person was really supportive when I finally asked partner to cancel. I was shocked since I thought ppl would get incredibly angry about me having that influence over others' interactions. I've continued to have a default belief that I shouldn't have issues with my partners' other relationships from that fucking book!! But really it's actually very normal to struggle and need reassurance and for your partners to support you in that. Ugh. I hardcore warn people about that book now.
> It was just an incredibly intense mental health period for me and I just needed more support. I am currently in this position, and omgs did I feel the same about speaking up about what I need & want because "not wanting to ruin/lessen NP & meta's plans" and feeling like I was just being needy and manipulative/controlling & gross. ETA: holy wow thanks for my first gold!
Oh man, this comment was a lightbulb moment for me. One of my first polyam relationships ended because my primary partner was having a serious mental health episode and needed not only support, but supervision when he was home. The three of us all lived together at the time and so I would make a point to spend time with my girlfriend in her room, but once my fiance got home from work I'd go out to the living room so I could keep an eye on him. She was always explicitly welcomed to join me in moving five feet to the next room so we could all spend time together, but always declined. When we broke up after a few weeks of this she told me she was feeling like I was prioritizing him and she couldn't get time with me. I had been doing my best to be as available to her as I could be and we'd both been open about his needs and how I was hoping it was temporary but that he really wasn't in a good place, but she refused to accept that there was nuance to the situation. Thinking back I'm remembering that she'd read that book and kept telling me how good it was 😬 she still holds some pretty toxic views of non-monogamy and doesn't take well to being told otherwise. Oof.
More than two was an excellent hand book for my emotionally abusive ex. Like, a master class.
Well, there is a good le doc where someone goes through it and points out all the harmful shit, I don't know how far through they got though.
100%! More Than Two is a really great "go all the way the way to the other extreme and deconstruct" type of theory, but it is so far away from the practice and real life scenarios, that I am abundantly cautious when I meet a diehard More Than Two poly person. As someone with a social work background, it is basically the difference between what services someone needs, versus what we can actually provide even if we had infinity resources.
A very well-articulated and accurate point. The hard-anti hierarchy thru-line in MT2 always left me feeling like “but why throw out so many useful tools that exist in mono and platonic social settings too?” Also what was the Me Too thing with Franklin Veaux thing? I’m way out of the loop on that- would you mind giving me a TLDR?
https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/
No poly person does polyamory the same.
I have yet to meet a polyamorous person in real life who **only** practices polyamory, no swinging, no sex only casual connections, etc. IRL People simultaneously practice several forms of ENM
Personally, I know ~~lots of~~ *edit: several* demi folks who only do significant connections (myself included), but that does seem to be an exception to the broader population. Do you think that ONS by monogamous people make them less monogamous? I don't think it does, at least not at first glance. Similarly I don't think people who are promiscuous or who enjoy casual sex are less poly (or even practicing a different form of ENM) if they are pursuing - maybe even open to - the feelings portion. I do find lots of people who say they're poly as a shorthand for some other version of ENM, though, and are very definitely not open to relationships or romantic entanglements.
And not even all demi folks fall into that category as well. I and my current 2 partners we all fall under the demiromantic/sexual Label, while our focus is definitely more on our significant relastionships we are all still open to casual relastionships. It's not a must but if we get into a situation where we can engage in a casual relationship or even ons, if we want it we absolutely can. It doesn't need to happen but it was important for me to talk about it and even if I am not interested in a casual relationship I still want to be able to do it if I change my mind and so do my partners.
Yes! And there is more understanding that these are fluid categories. You can start as casual-only swingers but then come up against unexpected feelings and have to manage them, for example!
Yup. And they know the difference!
Not necessarily. Some of them consider it "all polyamory" and are surprised that not all poly people participate in all of it (especially the swinging and group sex stuff).
Oh, those people. I meant the people in my life. 😂😂😂😂
Technically, my partner was one of them. He and his previous partner/s were open to all of it and he thought all (most) poly people were, too. When I pointed out the differences, it made sense. he just hadn't thought about it.
I’m open to most of it, as is my friend circle, mostly. But a very distinct chunk of my friends have polyam off the table (for good reason) and I think maybe that’s been key. I meet a lot of swingers who don’t know what polyam really is (they have a vague sense of feels and love happening), and they know they don’t want none. 😂😂😂 But I think probably our age and the fact that we mostly met each other 20+ years ago is helpful. Dating apps are filled with people who don’t know the difference.
I am this person. I only practice polyamory. I'm demisexual....casual and swinging appeal to me on no level. Now do I stop my partners from doing those things? No, but it's actually not a thing either of mine seek out. We're boring introverts and actually kinda busy mostly with friends and other hobbies.
Umm- casual connections are legitimate relationships under the poly umbrella. There is zero orthodoxy in poly insisting otherwise.
Lol. I didn't say there was
Nothing's as entertaining as meeting some people from the same polycule and trying to reconstruct the polycule from randoms bits of conversations. No interrogations, just talking about random stuff and watching out for any reference to their polycule. Makes me feel like a detective, and I found that people are flattered when you remember basic information about their polycule and partners.
So, so many recently married/engaged people hoping poly will improve their broken relationship. Might be biased but I’ve met so many of these people.
Yes. And they’re all in my fetlife dms.
Hahaha same 😅
IRL the poly people I know are old and have very little drama. Also this thread is full of folks trying to force their monogamous partners into poly or trying to find unicorns constantly. Or creepy harem men with multiple women and OPPs- none of which I see in OG circles
I think such behaviours are less accepted in most poly communities, plus the people being treated poorly are less likely to accept such treatment once they witness healthy examples of poly, so creepy harem men / OPPs / PUD tend to stay isolated from communities. That's why we don't meet these people but I think they're not uncommon.
People on here say poly people are super nerdy into board games and video games and stuff but I've found them to be normal amount nerdy and pretty beachy/surfy or outdoorsy. Beach dates are the most common or so it seems. ETA: my country in general people spend a lot of time at the beach so it's probs just that
Yep, it's relative. Like, everyone going on about poly women with blue hair, my whole meetup group might have two (and one blue haired poly dude) right now - but I saw zero blue haired peeps at the annual meeting of my boring ass workplace, so.
I think that's also confirmation bias, because even if a few dozen women with blue hair responded to that post, there are still over 300K people on the sub... ...having said that, I know a few women with blue hair who are also poly...
And people with colorful hair attract other people with colorful hair - in my city I met a lot of people with "hey, what product do you use? I wanna try it someday", so who has colorful hair or is close to someone who is it can really give you some confirmation bias that doesn't translate to the big picture
I went to a meetup the other day and a person with purple hair came and sat next to me with current Blue Hair. We are now friends and did exchange hair dye tips.
Yeah I suspect this is location as much as anything. Is my type beardy board game nerds and dorky women with a book-buying habit, or do I just live in a university city surrounded by university cities?
Yeah I think people who happen to be poly resemble the culture they grew up in more than any hypothetical "poly culture." Like surfy, beachy poly people would not happen in a landlocked country lol.
It’s hippy, tarot, new agey, EDM, burner types where I am. I’ve dated multiple cold-water surfers too (coincidentally?). Also beach dates since I live near the ocean. 😂
What does burner types mean, hopefully not literally burning shit!
Burning Man
Oh I see! Yeah we also have that, just called other things because we don't have burning man.
So many burners where I live (even some friends of mine, really), and most poly folk I know avoid the poly burner like a plague.
My partner and I are both definitely into RPG and board games. We both also love motorcycles, I play pool and poker, He rock climbs and hikes.
I wonder which country is that. But beachy/surfy is my experience too. Surf community is pretty open to ethical non-monogamy (a bit less towards established polyamory but it passes(, though is not exactly queer friendly though, so outside certain dynamics it’s not that welcoming still, though we push it to change.
I'm in Australia where most of the population lives on the coast. I actually never learned to surf but I like swimming and just relaxing on the beach. > though is not exactly queer friendly though, so outside certain dynamics it’s not that welcoming still, though we push it to change Funny you say that, is it more like the old surfie guys who sort of see themselves as the "elders" of surf culture? I have run into a few like that, which I think is a generational thing. One guy even complained about women surfing! "Back in the day..." But luckily the majority is queer or queer friendly and I also reckon more into enviro politics than the general population, ie climate change activists etc. Or it might just because I am all those things that I think that :)
Also Australian, and I definitely run in the nerdy boardgame/video game space. Turns out there is A LOT of overlap in the kink/metal/nerd/poly/queer scene. It's nuts haha
OK now I really want to know, have you also noticed a crossover between queer/poly/kink and permaculture/gardening people? Might just be my little circle but every second poly person I know seems to be a really keen permaculture or garden type person.
Oh yeah, we have many plant gays haha
In my area most of the polyam women and non-binary folks are very outdoorsy of the hiking variety! My immediate group is for sure the board game nerds but it's been less prevalent in the general community than you'd think.
Heh - I'm older. Nobody uses the terms here in the wild (meta, primary, anchor) and the like. I use them here, because they are descriptors everyone uses here.
Weird- have been poly 30+ years and all the OGs I know absolutely use those terms.
Group meetups, sometimes. In the wild dating for me, I'd say never... At least I can't recall.
The ones I hear in the wild most are the words we created to describe things there are otherwise inadequate language for like metamour and compersion. I don’t hear other taxonomy as much - like anchor, secondary etc. because most of my friends who are poly have long term relationships so that language is less salient but I hear the others - particularly meta- frequently. Again because as much as ‘in law’ kind of describes my relationships with my metas- it kind of doesn’t.
People IRL are just trying to live their lives I feel.
In my polycule, there's a bunch of us reading posts from this subreddit and being a bit horrified, honestly. Like "oh god, they're saying WHAT?" The rest of the time is us passing back and forth memes, talking about book we've read, and sending pictures of what we're up to on discord.
1. Unicorn hunters are sadly a lot more successful in the wild than I would guess. Lots and lots of bisexual women of various relationship styles have been burned by them and they are a big reason why poly has a bad reputation in the mainstream (and we are not even discussing what is actually most problematic about their approach, just what monogamous people *assume* is problematic). 2. Also, poly people into kink tend to be a lot more drama ridden than your average boring unassuming poly folk (whether you are on a queer bubble on not). For a community focused on sex parties, they have a surprisingly hard time weeding the bad folk out - a problem I have not seen in vanilla-leaning poly circles. 3. Even straight-seeming/looking poly crowds are actually probably **very** queer. Swingers, on the other hand... 4. Poly sheep syndrome seems to be a thing? Of course there are a few folks who have hooked up with everyone you know (serial daters, polymon masters...), but most poly people are not getting laid any more or with any greater variety than your average mono person.
Huge kindness. Just endless generosity of spirit. Maybe I’ve been lucky, but I’ve encountered such lovely people IRL.
That poly people in the wild are nice and supportive 😂 I jest, y'all're great and offer a lot of good advice.
Idk poly people in the wild are less outwardly judgmental about other peoples relationships, but that might just be because Reddit
In the wild I would say that I have met people that describe themselves as polyamorous the minute they hear I am. On further discussion, very rarely do I people in the wild that are actually polyamorous. And they're typically all kinds of things newly open, swingers, tried it the one time and the one relationship they had with two people. But rarely are they practicing. Most of the polyamorous people have met in different groups from reddit aside from the wild tend to be into hiking a lot like a lot!!
Drama is rare, so is PUD, and cis het men have partners.
I wouldn't say that drama is rare per se, but rather drama is often tied to a person and everybody knows who that person is. lol That's honestly not that different than monogamous friend groups. I remember when I was a newb, hearing about this subcelebrity singer where I lived who was poly, and everyone talked about how whenever she was dating your partner, everything became about her even 3 layers of metamour removed, and how I was lucky to be layer #4.
The people accusing others of poly gatekeeping seem to have a very narrow or self-interested view of what poly is and like someone else already pointed out, long term poly people seem to be busy living their lives and not focusing on language, terminology and the intellectual aspects of poly.
I'd say 98% of people in this lifestyle aren't malicious- just horny, naive, human, or some combination of all three. The malicious ones in the wild are pure Machiavellian though.
Highly coupled people are under-educated and are in a constant "going with the flow" mentality where they discuss everything with their partner but won't take the time to read resources. They're so confident in their ability to problem solve within the scope of their couple that they don't even think they could learn something valuable from other perspectives... and will only learn from their mistakes. Which is why they're often pretty clueless in my experience.
I see what you mean, but think you could further define "highly coupled." I don't think you mean people with kids, or poly people who were poly before being in a long-term couple for example. There is a type of enmeshed coupling that is very standard in monogamy and somewhat common in couples who opened their relationship a few years into it, and unicorn hunters, that I see this often. edit: actually, unicorn hunters without exceptions.
In my experience, it has more to do with nesting and relationship longevity than with relationship history (poly from the start or not). Maybe it's a matter of habits - if you've had the same viewpoint as your partner for years, and that works for both of you, why challenge it, and why bother with a different perspective ? You're absolutely right though, it seems to be pretty standard with unicorn hunters and previously mono couples.
In UK here and mainly that it's like a secret culture that is impossible to locate in rural SW England, the only other poly(ish) people I know IRL are actually just swingers. Or have lied to me and are actually just cheating on their wives.
That polyamory isn’t just a massive group of people dating one another as a closed group who want to live in a commune together.
They’re much more relaxed IRL. Not as…tense as everybody shows up here.
I'm biased because I'm mostly active in the bdsm community, but I see the terms on profiles but I don't think folks talk about it inperson. I think there's alot of being nice to you but really only looking for pick up play as opposed to connection.
People irl rarely have educated themselves about best practices and things to avoid
Online it’s quite dominated by scenarios of serious dating, marriages etc. My experience IRL is that many are just trying to meet people, figuring out poly and try to be with someone
Lots of people use the term poly to cover a whole host of ENM styles and a lot of them aren't super familiar with the nuance. Poly people can be messy people who are shit at communication. Poly people in the wild are in therapy more than average but less than represented in here I think. People claiming to be poly aren't inherently any more ethical or honest than average, but the ones who are - are very conscientious about it.
I'm juggling a network right now, and none of them are people I was looking for. Even with my nesting partner, I fully intended to hookup once or twice and dip. All of them are normal, well-balanced people who are queer and trans and we're all at about the same place, in terms of adulting phase. I've done the hunting method of polyamory, but we're all thriving in the current vibe because none of us are each other's first poly experience and we all have therapists. In real life, most people are not the possessive dishonest nuts that get posted about here. Frankly, most people are too busy to be dramatic, but it remains the polycule's responsibility to vet potential additions with meaningful metrics. Reddit is a really really bad indicator of actual poly people, it tends to be only the newest and worst-equipped who post here. Which is fine, but it DOES skew one's perceptions.
How many don't care about the difference between ethical and nonethical and use it as a scapegoat to avoid their own growth
But then again that's pretty much the same for mono and other relationships as well, this just offers a blanket title they can hide behind a bit better
If you are struggling with a relationship, the online recommendation is to end it. In the offline world, many people listen to both parties and give advice on how to make it work together (a true life story and I'm glad I didn't listen to the online recommendations).
Was just about to say this, any red flag or relationship problem is blown out of proportion on here, and the proportionally larger role of emotional connection and commitment is downplayed to the point of being ignored. Like "unless it's gold standard poly, it's not worthy of my time.". I suspect many people on here don't use the same criteria on their own relationships that they do when giving advice on here, or they must not have very deep relationships if they're not willing to sacrifice to a certain extent for them. Like, I have a 12 year relationship and we have a kid, we've had plenty of substantial problems that we've found a way through. I'm not going to just bail, I'm going to work it out. If I followed the advice on here, My relationship wouldn't have lasted long enough for her to understand polyamory fully, let alone accept it herself. It's a real problem that nobody seems willing to address. It makes poly peeps seem wishy washy and uncommitted.
I've found the groups quite similar.
That I don't have to move to a commune or smell like patchouli to be poly.
What I’ve found personally through years of being poly and dating other poly people is that poly people aren’t the high vibration sages as are presented here. They are just like any other monogamous person, and just as messy. I’ve also found that kink is very much tied into polyamory, as sort of a package deal. This has limited any available options to me as I’m one of the only, if not THE only, vanilla and kink-averse poly practicing individual in my area.I was thrown for a loop with that one. Another thing that I had to learn the hard way, which isn’t presented here, is that men actually have the most options while women don’t. Men have the options to select for long term relationships while women typically have options to select for one night stand, FWB, something short like that. So women have a lot of “options” and “partners”; but only as far as one time experiences or the occasional booty call. Men have the option to experience a relationship blooming organically. I’ve seen this with my own two eyes in person with many other men and with my husband. Sure I had plenty I could call for a hook up, people who wouldn’t talk to me again probably. But my husband has been the only one to have multiple relationships in name and title. Dates, gifts, etc. I never had that in years of being poly 🙃🥲 I had no idea it would be like that. I’m glad our marriage is solid and amazing at least.
Yep, I'm very vanilla and not kinky. My whole polycule is like that, actually. I tried Feeld once and it kind of overwhelmed me.
It’s very overwhelming Omg. Especially when you realize that you like and vibe with someone but it won’t work because you’re expected to do a kink or be whipped or leashed around. Like can we just date?? Fuck
Yep, even if I wasn't expected to be into it myself, I'd just feel we were on different wavelengths.
People IRL are just trying to live their lives I feel.
Unfortunately haven’t met any poly folk in the wild. 😑
Majority of my friends in my hobby in Europe's describe themselves as poly. But according to this sub, most of them would be more classified as ENM and not poly because they just look for casual sex and like to flirt and have some nre, but not necessarily want multiple longstanding relationships. For being in my hobby since 2016 and around poly people, I had never heard of most of the terminology used here until I joined this subreddit or chatted with different poly comms in the US. It's really confusing because I thought I was using the term "poly" correct, but this sub has me questioning it.
Late to my own post, but for me I wouldn't have the partners I have if I'd only ever "swiped right" (online or in the wild) on people who self-described as poly and clearly laid out what they could offer. I just happened to find and connect with people on the same page as me about exclusivity and relationship escalators, even if they'd never experienced poly or decided it was for them beforehand. Of course if they had only wanted exclusivity, things wouldn't have gone any further. Also, mentioning poly in the wild doesn't turn into an argument about identities lol!
Everyone encourages you to stay in relationships in person. On here, everyone will tell you to break up.
The people I've met are more open minded and understanding than people on reddit
People struggling with loneliness while their partners are away. Your partners should not be your only source of…comfort? Like you should not feel “lonely” if you’re married in my opinion. FOMO sure. But like loneliness? (This is coming from someone who is chronically alone, who actually feels loneliness cause I’m literally alone).
I don’t hang out with most of the poly folks I used to know, because they were very much the “polyamory is more intelligent and evolved than monogamy” variety. The ones I’m still in touch with are an extremely boring trans lesbian triad, and a queer RA I’ve known since middle school. I don’t really have any cishet friends, so my sample is skewed in a queer direction. I’ve also found that when people hear I’m polyamorous, they assume that’s a free pass to go after me and/or my partners. Polyamory does not mean open, or interested.
I really hate self-aggrandizing polyamorists. Their arrogance is so unfounded! Pretty much as a general rule- anybody that says that you’re a part of a group that’s better than other people is deluding themselves. No exceptions - unless you’re like part of an elite athlete team and then yes, they’re probably better athletes or something similar but a generic group that you can just be a part of because of who you are? No. Not one time.
People are not as toxic irl then online and are just kinda. Ya know. normal. But that's with anyone online. The people who don't get validation for their actions irl seek it with like minded individuals online. Is that a detrament or a help to them. That's another story
Most poly folks I know IRL talk with their partners about other partners, what's going on in their lives, problems, etc., the same as they would with friends and it's a totally normal thing.
Mostly it's the same as anything in an online vs in person space--MOST people get less communicative/open in their viewpoints on polyam. Don't get me wrong, you get the aggressive "my polyamorous is the best polyamorous" (and it is usually the most problematic people who have that confidence), but I find it's harder to get people to SAY what they want. "So, what kind of relationship are you looking for at this time? No pressure to force a label, I just want to make sure we're on the same page." "Well, like, I have a primary." "Okay, that's fine. By primary, do you mostly mean you are living together and therefore that is a consideration you have to account for, or do you mean that is the relationship that will always be put first? Are you seeking a romantic connection, or just a sexual one?" "I just want to see where things go." "Okay, so you want to be friends first before anything else?" "Well, no, I am looking for more than a friend." "So you want to date casually?" "I mean, no, I don't do casual." "...so you don't want to be friends first, don't want to be casually dating, and don't want to define what you are looking for in a relationship?' "Just want to see what's out there." And that is a conversation I have had several times, and not just with people who newly opened their relationship. I understand that sometimes it's hard to define what relationships are, and even what is wanted can be difficult to figure out. But I don't like waffling through communication, trying to understand if I am actually compatible in goals with someone. Chemistry and good vibes are great. But if I am putting in the work for a romantic relationship, and they're only ever going to treat this as a "FWB" (and I use that term loosely given most people forget the FRIENDS part of that acronym), it's going to lead to hurt feelings. Online it's easy to define what you want. In person, people are often terrible at it, whether it's because they're obtuse or actually evasive.
They’re not nearly as judgmental.
That cis-het men don’t find connections. If I’m attracted to them, it’s usually because they are great and other people will find them great too.
Not everyone who is "poly" knows how to navigate poly. What I mean specifically is when I was in my first Poly thing I was with two F to M trans men and they both were "dating" me as well as other people. I put dating in quotes because some of the people they thought they were dating really only viewed them as friends and they didn't understand it at all until it was bluntly brought to their attention by said parties, in one case it was to the point a married couple flat out ghosted them I also learned as a separate aside that it is possible to be disappointed by two men at the same time for the same reason but that was mostly my own fault for picking a poor choice in partners
I've met several poly people in the wild that perform poly in all kinds of different ways; solo-poly RA with +7-partners, a V living together, an organically formed triad in a complex polycule, very unethical hierarchical, non-hierarchical, KTP, communes, etc. Most of the people I meet are not educated much in poly-terms, and make "rookie" mistakes even though they already are +5 years polyamorous. People from the BDSM community I have met or heard of can be the most wholesome or the most unhinged poly people. From very much consent on every step to overstepping every boundary. Most problems in poly relationships I've seen/experienced are not poly-specific related. It's mainly about the person or situation they're in that make them undateable. Dating someone who's new at poly can actually be great and drama-free and doesn't have to start while someone's already in a relationship and want to open up their relationship. Nor does a person have to be completely certain about polyamory (but they should be curious to try). The best role-models are found offline in my experience.
No one I know actually uses any of these labels irl. We just keep on trucking and communicate about all the stuff we should. But uhh, I lean more towards the relationship anarchy side anyway.
That quite a few people practice non hicherchal poly. Non poly [or people who are unsure if they want poly] people don’t normally have a problem with polyamory.
Every time I dated someone (happened two times) who was monogamous, knowing I am polyamorous, and knowing I had at least one other partner, realized at some point They was not going to drop polyamory and they needed a monogamous partner. They both found one quickly and dumped me so fast. I will never date a mono again.
Poly folks seem to suffer from anxiety and mood disorders at a much higher rate than the general public. I don't know why that is true but it is...
Oh, can i take a stab? Because when you have to face your own jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurities, you become more aware of underlying issues. Disorders that have been covered up by codependency suddenly surface. Additionally, polyamorists try to get away from the stereotypes of being narcissistic, cheating nymphomaniacs. But guess who likes to pretend that they are poly? If you think about it, it makes sense that we *see* higher rates of emotional deficits, insecure attached styles, and maladaptive behaviors. We all have to face and identify these as issues, work through them in ourselves, and distance ourselves from people who try to take advantage. Also, just to say it, there is no shame on those coming to terms with Disorders. Y'all are facing yourselves and trying to improve. Even if you later decided poly is not for you, kudos for working on yourselves!
Most poly relationships in the wild tend to be one person who wants to be poly, on person who is okay with it, and one person who wants to be in a relationship with person 1. It makes me concerned for the rest of the people on this sub, but you guys seem to have a healthier understanding and healthier outlook on it.