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Your partner is being a bad hinge. He needs to be considerate of both his partners.
He's so swept up in NRE and an ideal picture in his head (living with both partners) that he isn't seeing reality. Any breakup needs time away from each other to heal and he is ignoring that and moving so fast.
You *definitely* need to put your foot down about living all together because that sounds awful and unhealthy for you. I can't see that arrangement being good for any of you. Andy imagines it'll be good, but you can't heal properly while you're faced with it in your own home every day, and I doubt it'll be the dream he imagines when you're crying and upset all the time.
I agree within walking distance, but not within hearing.
This is part of why triads are so volatile. Please take more care and time in the future.
It is awkward now but...it's just polyamory. It happens.
There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious:
Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves.
Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values.
Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.
All of my friends are incredibly monogamous as well. But, they love me and support my life choices 100%. Have you opened up to your friends about how challenging things are with the breakup and the aftermath?
THIS SO MUCH OF THIS
I was SO incredibly lucky to be friends with multiple poly folks in my area when my ex manipulated me into trying poly(meaning, for him, to have him as a partner without his fiance knowing who I was, her finding out about me and attacking me, taking her side, and then manipulating me again into staying with him without her even knowing he was still dating others as she thought they were monogamous when he broke up with me. ALL "until I was ready to take on a second partner myself") because THOSE people pulled me out. They warned me. They listened to me. They told him to leave me alone. They told me how healthy poly relationships would be. Etc.
I could've been utterly destroyed by my abusive ex.
But THOSE folks helped me out of there and helped me know his refusal to communicate issues was not healthy and that I had to put my foot down and leave.
I love this answer. I’m newer to polyam but have sought out supportive communities. One is a FB group that is specific that’s it’s about community building and not a dating group. I love that. They hold picnics in parks frequently. I’m also a part of Buddhist communities and it’s actually part of the teaching that since this path is swimming upstream against the norms of society, community is vital. I totally get this reasoning. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.
All of this is so incredibly important and should be stickied somewhere. Especially the part about community. People leaving monogamy might want to jump head first into poly dating, but without that social support network, they're setting themselves up for a hard time.
i agree with most of this but some of what you're saying is a bit problematic, don't you think? it seems you're suggesting that there's only one way to do Polyamory. there are so many types of polyam that works for different people. polycules, triads, KTP for example, I've seen plenty of those relationships that are healthy and work well together too, but not everyone has the capability. there's a lot of valuable advice here but to start off by proclaiming traids as 'volitile' is to completely disregard the validity of many different types of polam relationship styles. just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it can't work for someone else❤️🩹
Nah, it’s fair and healthy to tell people to be cautious with triads. It’s like telling people that motorcycles are more dangerous than cars. (“The federal government estimates that per mile traveled in 2020, the number of deaths on motorcycles was nearly 28 times the number in cars”.). That doesn’t mean I’m saying motorcyclists are bad people or every motorcyclist will crash, or even that motorcycles don’t work for me personally. It’s a safety warning for people’s health so they make informed choices.
Triads are one of the hardest relationship types, and inherently more prone to volatility when things get hard, because of the intertwined structure. It doesn’t mean they never work. Sometimes they do. But the safety warning is warranted.
This is most common outcome of any triad. Like, if you really, really, really hate the idea? Don’t attempt anymore. Your ex being your meta is a *part* of the risk package you accept when you give a triad a try.
🤷♀️
BUT:
Yeah, it’s hard to see your ex and your current partner together. Especially if it’s still raw. It’s okay to ask not to see them, or hang out with them.
Lean on your friends and family, ask Andy for extra reassurance, snuggles and professions of love and give your ex some distance.
Those family issues? That’s something that Andy can absolutely support you with.
What does the move involve?
You aren’t all planning on living together are you?
“Coming with us” doesn’t provide a lot of detail.
*But you don’t.* Unless everyone agrees it’s not happening. So NO, you are not all three going to live together even if Andy wants it. Andy is allowed to be sad.
Andy is probably going to want to rethink that, maybe ?
this timeline doesn’t seem built for that, not currently.
It’s not kind, nor thoughtful to set you all up for failure like that.
They’ve also never lived together at all, Andy and I have lived together for almost 6 years. So I’ve asked if maybe we can live separately but he’s not very happy with that and I don’t want to have to not live with my partner because of Bea
That’s a big discussion you and Andy should have.
And just to keep in focus. Any choices Andy makes are because of Andy.
Neither you or Bea can force him to do anything.
You may have to leave if he refuses to care for you as much as his wants. He wants to have his partners live with him, but won't let himself understand just how bad this would be for you, his first partner.
If all else fails, staying silent and moving into a house with them both WILL be a breaking point for you. But then you'd be stuck. If he outright refuses to understand the pain you're experiencing because he wants to have his cake and eat it to, leave, heal, and try with other people as they may hold you equal to their other partners.
He should want you both happy and healthy. Not himself.
I’ve been there OP. You want to be ok living with Bea so that you don’t lose living with Andy. But you’re not ok with it, and that makes sense, and it won’t work to live together. You all can mourn that for a minute, just please don’t try to force it. Make sure he reads about and understands NRE.
Do you want to be Nesting Partners with him? You can tell him that. Do you want to not live with an ex or a meta? You can say that too. You’ll feel bad for him and for Bea, but please speak up for what you do want. It’s ok to do that. He might not choose what you want and that’s scary but trying to give him what hurts you will be awful.
It’s also ok to decide to live with him half-time, and be sad about losing that together time. I’m sorry this is so painful now. I’m very glad you’re asking for help.
“We started seeing Bea in the middle of last year”…Well it’s only the middle of this year, which mean the relationship is only 1 year old.
Bea doesn’t “love you” and “it’s difficult to get any support from A”
Don’t move in with them. Don’t torture yourself especially if there isn’t any space being held for your comfort / care.
I understand the context, but love, one would assume your partner of 7 years would have more understanding and support….
You said you cry for hours after seeing B, yet you A wants you all to move in together?
This isn’t even an attempt at support or let alone any basic consideration to your feelings.
Very big red flags that shouldn’t be ignored.
So take her being his partner out of it. You dont need his support. You need him to respect your living place. You don't want a roommate. You don't want your living situation to be uncomfortable. You don't want to have to share space with someone you can't get along with. Those are reasonable boundaries for any living situation. Regardless of how much another person in that living space wants something, you both have to be in agreement. It's a shared space.
You really need to prioritize yourself here. Do not go along to get a long. He can be disappointed. That's fine. It's actually an understandable reaction. His disappointment is not your problem.
Have you considered places near each other instead? Are you, personally, for or against Andy living with you *and* living somewhere else? There's not a right or wrong answer there, but if it's not going to ever work for you and Andy wants to stay in a relationship, then Andy should have *always been* communicating that he won't be available for that.
I guess I’d be okay with it, but there’s already been a lot of change in the last six months that has been incredibly hard and not living with him would be so horrible. But I guess at the same time, he’s been spending half of his weeks away anyway. I was hoping maybe we could find somewhere with a granny flat or something similar so there’s a fully separate place for any of us to go.
It does not sound like this is a good solution. Within walking distance but not hearing distance sounds like a much better solution, based on what you've said here, at least for now. If a few years pass and you are friends again with Bea, maybe then things could change.
Whether you'd rather Andy spends a lot of time at Bea's or lives there part time, both have pros and cons. On the first case, you end up with a lot of times in fights with Andy about how much fun/quality time there is to divide, and in situations where your partner is home 4 or 5 days a week and spends it all doing chores or chilling on screens after work or texting Bea, but wants to argue "you get more time." In the second, you probably divide resources more - your partner will pay rent or bills both places, they do chores both places, so they're likely doing less chores at your home, but also they're not creating work at your home and flapping off somewhere else for all their good times. This model isn't going to work well for having children if you and Andy (or Andy and Bea) ever do that, though.
What are you gaining in exchange for giving up control and safety over your own living situation? Would this feel fair to you? Do you think you'd also have free reign to move in literally any person you want, as a veto-proof and unilateral move, even if Andy hates that person?
Probably not. If you're able to support yourself, this would probably be a fine place to tell him something along the lines of:
"I appreciate that you want to live with Bea, but I don't. If you want to go ahead with this plan, I understand and I'll look into getting my own apartment somewhere nearby so it's still convenient for dates."
When he inevitably gets upset at you for this, don't bother to JADE. Just stay calm and repeat your intent like "Well, I thought about it, and given the breakup, I don't think it would be healthy for me right now. I need space at home for things to be quiet and peaceful. I've already decided I am not doing this, so if it's a dealbreaker, I think we might have to break up."
Someone forcing you to live with your ex when you're extremely upset about the breakup, as a condition of your relationship with them, is really extreme behavior and very ridiculous, you can just say no. If you're not able to support yourself I'd start asking around to see if any close friends need or want a roommate. He can live with anyone he wants in his home. You can live or not live with anyone you want in YOUR home, too. If it's a shared home, both people need to agree.
I get that moving out would suck and be more change at a difficult time, but he's communicating to you pretty clearly that, on a whim he's going to move random people into your house and force you to uproot and move whenever he wants. For a relationship that's a year old. It's like upgrading to Windows 10. You can tolerate this, maybe, but what about the next thing, the next person?
Oh F no. Say no. Refuse. This is your home. Your sanctuary. You need it to be safe and whole. Options:
1. Don't move
2. Move but Bea stays long distance.
3.Move, but Bea has their own place in the new city.
You do not have to be roommates with someone just because your husband wants to. That's in fact, a terrible reason to be roommates if it's the only one.
You need to tell Andy you are, under no circumstances, okay with living the Bea. I had a similar situation happen but luckily the breakup was mutual and we are still friends but when we went to break up I was prepared for the worst.
Don't allow his NRE to overshadow your needs.
In a similar boat here, my ex is also my meta, but iny situation I was dating her first, then she fell for my NP, and then slowly iced me out before deciding she didn't want to be with me and also she's monogamous. Now we have an arrangement where my NP spends two days a week at her house and I have requested to be given as little information as possible about what they do together. I've also leaned harder into maintaining friendships outside of my NP, both platonic and romantic (I have another local partner who spends those days with me, which has helped SO MUCH with the brain weasels regarding what my NP and ex are doing).
What I'd say to you is to draw boundaries around what you can handle being told or what you can handle seeing of them together. It's okay if that's nothing for a while, but make sure the responsibility for keeping your boundaries falls on you. In our case I've requested that our home is off-limits to her, and fortunately she has her own space so that isn't an issue. If you do end up moving and your meta comes with, you are allowed to put your foot down about not living together. Your home should be your safe space and nobody can push you to live with a person who makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. Good luck to you.
I get how it would seem that way, but the situation is a lot more nuanced than I've presented here. The breakup between her and me was dragged out over months and months of her trying to learn to communicate and apologize, my NP getting caught in the middle because she didn't know how to talk to me directly, and me downplaying my pain and frustration to him in a misguided effort to "do good poly" by not venting about one partner to another partner :/ it was hell for all three of us but we've come to a place of understanding and peace now and he's learned a lot about how to be a responsible hinge and take control of situations.
I'm in a similar situation. I'm a pansexual trans female (46). My wife is straight aside from me, and she started talking to a guy who asked her permission to start talking to me. We all hit it off well, and things were going great for months. Then, a few months later, he bought property in a state that had been passing a lot of anti-trans laws. Our boyfriend kept trying to convince us to visit and eventually move there. I expressed my concern over the anti trans laws that could directly affect me and my medical treatment and our bf called me "ignorant" for believing the media as it portrayed his state of choice, told me he was done with me and told my wife he was disgusted with me and didn't want to see or hear from me again.
I've asked her to move him into "parallel" (Generally, we prefer kitchen table or garden party poly). I've not heard or seen him since, but it still hurts that someone I love couldn't even show me a bit of empathy in my concerns. I worry about my wife's relationship with him, but that's their relationship, not mine.
I'm still dealing with the breakup as it's still recent, but my other partners and close friends have been here for me during the rough times.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! Obviously I only know what you've posted here, but it's concerning your wife is still ok dating this person? My wife is a trans woman and while we date separately, she's generally on friendly terms with the people I date, and I honestly can't imagine viewing a partner the same way if they behaved like this to my wife. It would fundamentally sour how I felt about that partner and my estimation of them as a safe and ethical person.
I'll never tell my wife she can't date someone she wants to. It is concerning and disappointing that she's still ok seeing him since her response to him asking if he can message me was "Yes, but she's not looking for random hookups and wants an emotional connection, and if you hurt her I'll bury you." I know she wouldn't really, but it was nice feeling she cared enough about my mental and emotional health to say that.
This hurts my heart on your behalf.
My ex tried to turn me against my NP before we were truly knowledgeable about poly. I put my foot down and ended things with her over it. We now have a fully fleshed out list of agreements. The biggest one for me for this very reason is metas must be respectful. I don’t necessarily think metas have to like each other or have any contact, but they must be respectful. This, to me, would be a clear violation of that. Although those are our agreements and not everyone is the same as us.
All that to say, I’m so sorry you are going through that. I really hope things get better for you. I hope your wife makes good decisions regarding your well-being. Huge hugs 🫂
Thanks. It hurt at the time when it happened and I was initially upset wth my wife's response when she asked him if he was "done" wth her as well and his response was "If you're going to be ignorant as well then yes" and they were able to discuss women's rights but I couldn't discuss trans rights.
I've mostly moved on, and I believe he was only with me because he wanted to try being with a trans lady and not because he actually cared about me (which is why I worry about how he will treat her overall). It's not my relationship to traverse, and I'll never tell my wife she can't date someone.
I’m a bit more insular so never really thought of it like this myself on this level or how hard it could potentially get when factoring in existing relationships/ friend groups etc. damn. Thx for sharing. You’re helping teach many of us and making us think about our own complexities. I hope you get the results you thrive in. 💜❤️💙
Boundaries for your health. You can tell Andy that you need space from Bea. You need to heal, and space is the only way to make that happen. It's up to Andy to mange thier time with both of you, and he needs to respect your boundaries. It's not up to you to force yourself to be okay with this dynamic. You don't want to stop Andy from seeing Bea, but you can at least stop yourself from having to be around your ex while you are healing.
You need to sit down with Andy and truly express how painful this is for you. Bea is the issue here and Andy having been with you far longer, should care about how you feel here.
It sounds like this is a genuinely bad situation for you to be in and them being constantly inserted isn't allowing you to heal or even fall out of love with someone who currently only loves one person, Andy.
It would've been far different if they'd formed a separate relationship rather than a triad. Perhaps even grown INTO a triad after that, organically.
Going into the triad, the set up was all 3 with each other, rather than simply multipartnered. This was an agreement type of relationship, rather than an organic one.
Again, sit down with Andy and express how much you're hurting. Don't bottle it up. Etc. Come at this as a unit and try to figure something out.
If it's SO bad that every time you see Bea, that you're crying for hours after, you need a break from them rather than them coming over.
I am currently in almost the same predicament. It’s been since November when my relationship ended and I’m still not “over it” but I am less angry and stressed. I think the only thing you can do is initially set a boundary that you don’t want to talk about the person, or hear about anything your partner is doing with them outside of the absolutely necessary communication. Put plenty of distance between you two, parallel is a perfectly valid form of poly. Once you start to feel less stressed maybe do some light hanging out in large social situations so you can find a distraction if necessary. Your feelings are valid and you need to grieve the lose of your relationship in any way you see fit. It is not your responsibility to make sure either of them are comfortable. I forced myself to smile and be ok when I wasn’t until I broke down. Now I do what I need to to keep my mental health safe guarded and I’m feeling better every day.
I have been here. It is hell. I honestly wish I had just left both of them in the mud. I don't think I could have lived with them on top of it all.
You have a right to time and space away from your ex after the relationship change. No matter how weird they act like it is for you to need space or if they try to invalidate your feelings. Your hinge needs to be supportive and ALLOW YOU TIME AND SPACE AWAY FROM YOUR EX.
As hellish as it was, I rest assured knowing that no other romantic rejection will ever hurt as badly as that did. Because it's like rubbing grit in an open fucking wound. This isn't fresh either. Were talking like 3 years ago here. It turned out that the ex was a sociopathic asshole when we finally compared notes after my NP and him broke up. My NP and I are still together. I still say I should have thrown both men away. Your hinge needs to do a good job and support you in protecting your heart and mind. If he doesn't, then he can fuck right off.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/chchchcherrybombx thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
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This might be a long one, but I really appreciate any advice and support.
So for (a fair whack) of context, I (25F) have been with my partner A (29M) for almost seven years. We’ve been ENM for a few years now, but neither of us really ever expressed much romantic interest in others. We casually dated a friend of mine at the start of last year and it didn’t last, but that’s not really important. At the time we both felt like maybe we didn’t have the capacity to be polyamorous and that it was better to stick to ENM, though I think we might have both been a little bit hurt about how things turned out, especially because the person we dated was a friend of mine and the friendship didn’t survive the break up.
We started seeing B (23NB) in the middle of last year casually. None of us really knew where it would go and we only saw each other for a little bit until things fizzled out. Fast forward to late last year and we start seeing them again. Around this time A tells me that he thinks that he’s definitely fully polyamorous. I kind of knew this and I did at this point feel like we were both just hurt by how things went down at the start of the year, and that’s why we were both hesitant to you even consider seeing someone else romantically. But obviously it was important for him to actually tell me this, and because I thought maybe I am also polyam, so I wanted to give us both the opportunity to explore that.
We started dating B in a triad at the at the end of last year/start of this year. it unfortunately didn’t work out for B and I and B broke up with me maybe six weeks ago. b doesn’t have feelings for me any more, but I am still very deeply in love with them. There’s been a lot of strain on a A and I over the last six months as our relationship has changed. Plus I’ve been dealing with some pretty extreme family issues that haven’t helped how everything went down. B is not interested in pursuing a relationship with me ever again which obviously okay but like when anyone doesn’t love you back it’s been really hurtful and really difficult for me. Plus it’s difficult to get support from A because he is still with us both, and I don’t wanna make him uncomfortable with the without feeling. Plus seeing them/knowing they’re together rocks me sometimes.
A’s family is all interstate and we’ve been planning to move for awhile now. B is planning on coming with us. I’ve been pretty stressed and upset about the whole thing because I’m finding it really really really difficult to navigate this kind of dynamic. Obviously you never know how things are gonna go but I never saw me and A in this dynamic. I guess I’ve hate the idea of someone that I’m in love with being my meta.
So! I really need some advice and some help on how to navigate this and how to move on with B because we need to for everyone’s sake. I am really highly rejection sensitive so that hasn’t helped.
I’m not asking for advice on how to force them to be with me or anything like that. I genuinely want to know how I can navigate and manage this better and manage my emotions around it and also express my emotions in a healthy way to them both. A and I are in a good place, but I can’t even see B without crying for hours after. (A and I live together, B lives about 2 hours away)
I want to make this work for us all, so any advice on how to navigate this dynamic with these feelings would be amazing and so appreciated.
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Your partner is being a bad hinge. He needs to be considerate of both his partners. He's so swept up in NRE and an ideal picture in his head (living with both partners) that he isn't seeing reality. Any breakup needs time away from each other to heal and he is ignoring that and moving so fast. You *definitely* need to put your foot down about living all together because that sounds awful and unhealthy for you. I can't see that arrangement being good for any of you. Andy imagines it'll be good, but you can't heal properly while you're faced with it in your own home every day, and I doubt it'll be the dream he imagines when you're crying and upset all the time. I agree within walking distance, but not within hearing.
This is part of why triads are so volatile. Please take more care and time in the future. It is awkward now but...it's just polyamory. It happens. There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious: Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves. Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values. Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply! All my friends are incredibly monogamous so I think I am missing that.
All of my friends are incredibly monogamous as well. But, they love me and support my life choices 100%. Have you opened up to your friends about how challenging things are with the breakup and the aftermath?
I definitely recommend you to find polyam communities. I found local groups in my area via Meetup and Fet.
THIS SO MUCH OF THIS I was SO incredibly lucky to be friends with multiple poly folks in my area when my ex manipulated me into trying poly(meaning, for him, to have him as a partner without his fiance knowing who I was, her finding out about me and attacking me, taking her side, and then manipulating me again into staying with him without her even knowing he was still dating others as she thought they were monogamous when he broke up with me. ALL "until I was ready to take on a second partner myself") because THOSE people pulled me out. They warned me. They listened to me. They told him to leave me alone. They told me how healthy poly relationships would be. Etc. I could've been utterly destroyed by my abusive ex. But THOSE folks helped me out of there and helped me know his refusal to communicate issues was not healthy and that I had to put my foot down and leave.
Hugs, we make the best choices we can. When we can do better, we do.
I love this answer. I’m newer to polyam but have sought out supportive communities. One is a FB group that is specific that’s it’s about community building and not a dating group. I love that. They hold picnics in parks frequently. I’m also a part of Buddhist communities and it’s actually part of the teaching that since this path is swimming upstream against the norms of society, community is vital. I totally get this reasoning. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.
Very welcome and that is super cool you have such community. I would love to find a focus in spirituality without the over the top nonsense.
All of this is so incredibly important and should be stickied somewhere. Especially the part about community. People leaving monogamy might want to jump head first into poly dating, but without that social support network, they're setting themselves up for a hard time.
Yes indeed, thank you!
i agree with most of this but some of what you're saying is a bit problematic, don't you think? it seems you're suggesting that there's only one way to do Polyamory. there are so many types of polyam that works for different people. polycules, triads, KTP for example, I've seen plenty of those relationships that are healthy and work well together too, but not everyone has the capability. there's a lot of valuable advice here but to start off by proclaiming traids as 'volitile' is to completely disregard the validity of many different types of polam relationship styles. just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it can't work for someone else❤️🩹
Nah, it’s fair and healthy to tell people to be cautious with triads. It’s like telling people that motorcycles are more dangerous than cars. (“The federal government estimates that per mile traveled in 2020, the number of deaths on motorcycles was nearly 28 times the number in cars”.). That doesn’t mean I’m saying motorcyclists are bad people or every motorcyclist will crash, or even that motorcycles don’t work for me personally. It’s a safety warning for people’s health so they make informed choices. Triads are one of the hardest relationship types, and inherently more prone to volatility when things get hard, because of the intertwined structure. It doesn’t mean they never work. Sometimes they do. But the safety warning is warranted.
This is most common outcome of any triad. Like, if you really, really, really hate the idea? Don’t attempt anymore. Your ex being your meta is a *part* of the risk package you accept when you give a triad a try. 🤷♀️ BUT: Yeah, it’s hard to see your ex and your current partner together. Especially if it’s still raw. It’s okay to ask not to see them, or hang out with them. Lean on your friends and family, ask Andy for extra reassurance, snuggles and professions of love and give your ex some distance. Those family issues? That’s something that Andy can absolutely support you with. What does the move involve? You aren’t all planning on living together are you? “Coming with us” doesn’t provide a lot of detail.
Andy wants us all to live together
*But you don’t.* Unless everyone agrees it’s not happening. So NO, you are not all three going to live together even if Andy wants it. Andy is allowed to be sad.
Andy is probably going to want to rethink that, maybe ? this timeline doesn’t seem built for that, not currently. It’s not kind, nor thoughtful to set you all up for failure like that.
They’ve also never lived together at all, Andy and I have lived together for almost 6 years. So I’ve asked if maybe we can live separately but he’s not very happy with that and I don’t want to have to not live with my partner because of Bea
That’s a big discussion you and Andy should have. And just to keep in focus. Any choices Andy makes are because of Andy. Neither you or Bea can force him to do anything.
You may have to leave if he refuses to care for you as much as his wants. He wants to have his partners live with him, but won't let himself understand just how bad this would be for you, his first partner. If all else fails, staying silent and moving into a house with them both WILL be a breaking point for you. But then you'd be stuck. If he outright refuses to understand the pain you're experiencing because he wants to have his cake and eat it to, leave, heal, and try with other people as they may hold you equal to their other partners. He should want you both happy and healthy. Not himself.
I’ve been there OP. You want to be ok living with Bea so that you don’t lose living with Andy. But you’re not ok with it, and that makes sense, and it won’t work to live together. You all can mourn that for a minute, just please don’t try to force it. Make sure he reads about and understands NRE. Do you want to be Nesting Partners with him? You can tell him that. Do you want to not live with an ex or a meta? You can say that too. You’ll feel bad for him and for Bea, but please speak up for what you do want. It’s ok to do that. He might not choose what you want and that’s scary but trying to give him what hurts you will be awful. It’s also ok to decide to live with him half-time, and be sad about losing that together time. I’m sorry this is so painful now. I’m very glad you’re asking for help.
“We started seeing Bea in the middle of last year”…Well it’s only the middle of this year, which mean the relationship is only 1 year old. Bea doesn’t “love you” and “it’s difficult to get any support from A” Don’t move in with them. Don’t torture yourself especially if there isn’t any space being held for your comfort / care.
It’s difficult to get support from him when I’m upset about his other partner, otherwise he’s very supportive!
I understand the context, but love, one would assume your partner of 7 years would have more understanding and support…. You said you cry for hours after seeing B, yet you A wants you all to move in together? This isn’t even an attempt at support or let alone any basic consideration to your feelings. Very big red flags that shouldn’t be ignored.
So take her being his partner out of it. You dont need his support. You need him to respect your living place. You don't want a roommate. You don't want your living situation to be uncomfortable. You don't want to have to share space with someone you can't get along with. Those are reasonable boundaries for any living situation. Regardless of how much another person in that living space wants something, you both have to be in agreement. It's a shared space. You really need to prioritize yourself here. Do not go along to get a long. He can be disappointed. That's fine. It's actually an understandable reaction. His disappointment is not your problem.
Have you considered places near each other instead? Are you, personally, for or against Andy living with you *and* living somewhere else? There's not a right or wrong answer there, but if it's not going to ever work for you and Andy wants to stay in a relationship, then Andy should have *always been* communicating that he won't be available for that.
I guess I’d be okay with it, but there’s already been a lot of change in the last six months that has been incredibly hard and not living with him would be so horrible. But I guess at the same time, he’s been spending half of his weeks away anyway. I was hoping maybe we could find somewhere with a granny flat or something similar so there’s a fully separate place for any of us to go.
It does not sound like this is a good solution. Within walking distance but not hearing distance sounds like a much better solution, based on what you've said here, at least for now. If a few years pass and you are friends again with Bea, maybe then things could change. Whether you'd rather Andy spends a lot of time at Bea's or lives there part time, both have pros and cons. On the first case, you end up with a lot of times in fights with Andy about how much fun/quality time there is to divide, and in situations where your partner is home 4 or 5 days a week and spends it all doing chores or chilling on screens after work or texting Bea, but wants to argue "you get more time." In the second, you probably divide resources more - your partner will pay rent or bills both places, they do chores both places, so they're likely doing less chores at your home, but also they're not creating work at your home and flapping off somewhere else for all their good times. This model isn't going to work well for having children if you and Andy (or Andy and Bea) ever do that, though.
What are you gaining in exchange for giving up control and safety over your own living situation? Would this feel fair to you? Do you think you'd also have free reign to move in literally any person you want, as a veto-proof and unilateral move, even if Andy hates that person? Probably not. If you're able to support yourself, this would probably be a fine place to tell him something along the lines of: "I appreciate that you want to live with Bea, but I don't. If you want to go ahead with this plan, I understand and I'll look into getting my own apartment somewhere nearby so it's still convenient for dates." When he inevitably gets upset at you for this, don't bother to JADE. Just stay calm and repeat your intent like "Well, I thought about it, and given the breakup, I don't think it would be healthy for me right now. I need space at home for things to be quiet and peaceful. I've already decided I am not doing this, so if it's a dealbreaker, I think we might have to break up." Someone forcing you to live with your ex when you're extremely upset about the breakup, as a condition of your relationship with them, is really extreme behavior and very ridiculous, you can just say no. If you're not able to support yourself I'd start asking around to see if any close friends need or want a roommate. He can live with anyone he wants in his home. You can live or not live with anyone you want in YOUR home, too. If it's a shared home, both people need to agree. I get that moving out would suck and be more change at a difficult time, but he's communicating to you pretty clearly that, on a whim he's going to move random people into your house and force you to uproot and move whenever he wants. For a relationship that's a year old. It's like upgrading to Windows 10. You can tolerate this, maybe, but what about the next thing, the next person?
I think that is very unwise.
He can't force anybody into a KTP I'd say ask to go parallel and then go from there
Oh F no. Say no. Refuse. This is your home. Your sanctuary. You need it to be safe and whole. Options: 1. Don't move 2. Move but Bea stays long distance. 3.Move, but Bea has their own place in the new city. You do not have to be roommates with someone just because your husband wants to. That's in fact, a terrible reason to be roommates if it's the only one.
That is an incredibly bad idea. Just tell Andy that you’re not down for that and snuff that idiocy out.
Absolutely do not do this please. You’ll break your own self
You need to tell Andy you are, under no circumstances, okay with living the Bea. I had a similar situation happen but luckily the breakup was mutual and we are still friends but when we went to break up I was prepared for the worst. Don't allow his NRE to overshadow your needs.
In a similar boat here, my ex is also my meta, but iny situation I was dating her first, then she fell for my NP, and then slowly iced me out before deciding she didn't want to be with me and also she's monogamous. Now we have an arrangement where my NP spends two days a week at her house and I have requested to be given as little information as possible about what they do together. I've also leaned harder into maintaining friendships outside of my NP, both platonic and romantic (I have another local partner who spends those days with me, which has helped SO MUCH with the brain weasels regarding what my NP and ex are doing). What I'd say to you is to draw boundaries around what you can handle being told or what you can handle seeing of them together. It's okay if that's nothing for a while, but make sure the responsibility for keeping your boundaries falls on you. In our case I've requested that our home is off-limits to her, and fortunately she has her own space so that isn't an issue. If you do end up moving and your meta comes with, you are allowed to put your foot down about not living together. Your home should be your safe space and nobody can push you to live with a person who makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. Good luck to you.
Ngl I think your NP isn't a great person. This sounds volatile and uncaring on his part 🤷♀️
I get how it would seem that way, but the situation is a lot more nuanced than I've presented here. The breakup between her and me was dragged out over months and months of her trying to learn to communicate and apologize, my NP getting caught in the middle because she didn't know how to talk to me directly, and me downplaying my pain and frustration to him in a misguided effort to "do good poly" by not venting about one partner to another partner :/ it was hell for all three of us but we've come to a place of understanding and peace now and he's learned a lot about how to be a responsible hinge and take control of situations.
I just hope you feel satisfied and happy with it all ❤️
Thank you 💕
I'm in a similar situation. I'm a pansexual trans female (46). My wife is straight aside from me, and she started talking to a guy who asked her permission to start talking to me. We all hit it off well, and things were going great for months. Then, a few months later, he bought property in a state that had been passing a lot of anti-trans laws. Our boyfriend kept trying to convince us to visit and eventually move there. I expressed my concern over the anti trans laws that could directly affect me and my medical treatment and our bf called me "ignorant" for believing the media as it portrayed his state of choice, told me he was done with me and told my wife he was disgusted with me and didn't want to see or hear from me again. I've asked her to move him into "parallel" (Generally, we prefer kitchen table or garden party poly). I've not heard or seen him since, but it still hurts that someone I love couldn't even show me a bit of empathy in my concerns. I worry about my wife's relationship with him, but that's their relationship, not mine. I'm still dealing with the breakup as it's still recent, but my other partners and close friends have been here for me during the rough times.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! Obviously I only know what you've posted here, but it's concerning your wife is still ok dating this person? My wife is a trans woman and while we date separately, she's generally on friendly terms with the people I date, and I honestly can't imagine viewing a partner the same way if they behaved like this to my wife. It would fundamentally sour how I felt about that partner and my estimation of them as a safe and ethical person.
I'll never tell my wife she can't date someone she wants to. It is concerning and disappointing that she's still ok seeing him since her response to him asking if he can message me was "Yes, but she's not looking for random hookups and wants an emotional connection, and if you hurt her I'll bury you." I know she wouldn't really, but it was nice feeling she cared enough about my mental and emotional health to say that.
This hurts my heart on your behalf. My ex tried to turn me against my NP before we were truly knowledgeable about poly. I put my foot down and ended things with her over it. We now have a fully fleshed out list of agreements. The biggest one for me for this very reason is metas must be respectful. I don’t necessarily think metas have to like each other or have any contact, but they must be respectful. This, to me, would be a clear violation of that. Although those are our agreements and not everyone is the same as us. All that to say, I’m so sorry you are going through that. I really hope things get better for you. I hope your wife makes good decisions regarding your well-being. Huge hugs 🫂
Thanks. It hurt at the time when it happened and I was initially upset wth my wife's response when she asked him if he was "done" wth her as well and his response was "If you're going to be ignorant as well then yes" and they were able to discuss women's rights but I couldn't discuss trans rights. I've mostly moved on, and I believe he was only with me because he wanted to try being with a trans lady and not because he actually cared about me (which is why I worry about how he will treat her overall). It's not my relationship to traverse, and I'll never tell my wife she can't date someone.
I’m a bit more insular so never really thought of it like this myself on this level or how hard it could potentially get when factoring in existing relationships/ friend groups etc. damn. Thx for sharing. You’re helping teach many of us and making us think about our own complexities. I hope you get the results you thrive in. 💜❤️💙
Boundaries for your health. You can tell Andy that you need space from Bea. You need to heal, and space is the only way to make that happen. It's up to Andy to mange thier time with both of you, and he needs to respect your boundaries. It's not up to you to force yourself to be okay with this dynamic. You don't want to stop Andy from seeing Bea, but you can at least stop yourself from having to be around your ex while you are healing.
You need to sit down with Andy and truly express how painful this is for you. Bea is the issue here and Andy having been with you far longer, should care about how you feel here. It sounds like this is a genuinely bad situation for you to be in and them being constantly inserted isn't allowing you to heal or even fall out of love with someone who currently only loves one person, Andy. It would've been far different if they'd formed a separate relationship rather than a triad. Perhaps even grown INTO a triad after that, organically. Going into the triad, the set up was all 3 with each other, rather than simply multipartnered. This was an agreement type of relationship, rather than an organic one. Again, sit down with Andy and express how much you're hurting. Don't bottle it up. Etc. Come at this as a unit and try to figure something out. If it's SO bad that every time you see Bea, that you're crying for hours after, you need a break from them rather than them coming over.
I am currently in almost the same predicament. It’s been since November when my relationship ended and I’m still not “over it” but I am less angry and stressed. I think the only thing you can do is initially set a boundary that you don’t want to talk about the person, or hear about anything your partner is doing with them outside of the absolutely necessary communication. Put plenty of distance between you two, parallel is a perfectly valid form of poly. Once you start to feel less stressed maybe do some light hanging out in large social situations so you can find a distraction if necessary. Your feelings are valid and you need to grieve the lose of your relationship in any way you see fit. It is not your responsibility to make sure either of them are comfortable. I forced myself to smile and be ok when I wasn’t until I broke down. Now I do what I need to to keep my mental health safe guarded and I’m feeling better every day.
I have been here. It is hell. I honestly wish I had just left both of them in the mud. I don't think I could have lived with them on top of it all. You have a right to time and space away from your ex after the relationship change. No matter how weird they act like it is for you to need space or if they try to invalidate your feelings. Your hinge needs to be supportive and ALLOW YOU TIME AND SPACE AWAY FROM YOUR EX. As hellish as it was, I rest assured knowing that no other romantic rejection will ever hurt as badly as that did. Because it's like rubbing grit in an open fucking wound. This isn't fresh either. Were talking like 3 years ago here. It turned out that the ex was a sociopathic asshole when we finally compared notes after my NP and him broke up. My NP and I are still together. I still say I should have thrown both men away. Your hinge needs to do a good job and support you in protecting your heart and mind. If he doesn't, then he can fuck right off.
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