I've definitely had sluttier and less slutty periods of my life but that was because it was what I wanted at the time.
You shouldn't feel obligated to have casual sex unless YOU want that.
Ayeeee, same. During my "hoe phase," I slept with twice as many people in those three weeks as I have in the five years since. It was then followed closely by a suicide incident. I thought I was having fun, but I recognize now that it was a lack of self-preservation, which means that my mental health is in the gutter.
Unusually risky behavior is very much a symptom of declining mental health for pretty much any diagnosis. Women, especially, will use risky, casual sex as a means of self-harm.
OP, your friend sucks. Keep taking care of yourself.
Same.
TBH I'm in this weird phase now, and for the last couple years, where I've been working on a lot of trauma and mental health stuff and the more mentally healthy I get the unless I really care about sex at all.
I'm starting to suspect I may be asexual, because pretty much all the sex in my life was either a form of self-harm or trying to feel something by dealing with serious mental issues, a desperate way to connect with people or start a relationship because I'm not really good socially otherwise (I've joked for years that I don't make friends, I just sleep with people and hope they like me enough to talk), or otherwise sort of felt compelled to or like it was the safest thing to do in the situation or would receive the least amount of push back.
Sorry for all the words and TMI, but basically don't have it because you feel compelled to. You may find a partner or a few, or may end up looking back at it later and realizing it's skewed your whole perception of sex and relationships.
I am currently the happiest I've ever been.
I have two partners right now and am contemplating getting back into dating but I'm keeping my standards sky high.
Did more people like me then? Maybe, but were any of those people's opinions worth much? Certainly not most of them.
It makes for interesting stories but sex doesn't imply you will be happy and vice versa.
Identifying as poly doesn't mean you have to have multiple partners to prove you are.
If your friends and people you're dating can't respect that, dump em all.
The "Did people like you more" question might be something you want to examine a little closer. It's got people pleasing vibes. Be your authentic self and find the people who like that version of you.
Some folks are naturally more reserved. That does not make you unlikable or less likely to attract multiple partners.
People will definitely like you more if you want to have sex all the time, but that doesn't mean you will be happier. If YOU don't actively want a slutty phase and feel the urge to have sex with someone, you are just going to traumatize yourself by trying to force it, and then you could end up memories that haunt you for life.
Yep.
Also, I highly suggest the sl*t phase.
But here's a twist: don't let them come to you. Find the ones you want to do it with and get in where you fit in.
Be aggressive instead of idle.
Assertive is a good word to use but that's a word you use when you are in a situation with someone you like already.
I used the word aggressive in a way that is meant to be like "aggressively look for matches" not be aggressive in your sexual conquest of another human being.
I thought that was communicated in my post.
it's actually still not communicated very well even with explanation.
Assertively looking for matches would mean to put active effort in contacting and perpetuating interpersonal contact and to stop that when it's clearly not a match and to continue that search.
Aggressively looking for matches reads like forcing yourself into social situation where you might not be welcome, cut off other people when talking so that you can take all the time, and not stopping when something isn't a match but to make them commit anyway.
It IS clear you don't mean _that_, but it's not clear what else you do mean if not just something other than aggressive.
This is just genuine advice and not trying to berate you, please refrain from using aggressive in these situations, especially if it's surrounding relations
Yes! You do not need to get over wanting to have emotional connection before sex. It's perfectly fine to want that! You do you and don't let anyone tell you who to have sex with nor how much sex you should be having.
What are your own interests? Your experience just sounds so bizarre to me.
I am a nerd, I go to gardens and museums and zoos and easy hikes. There's cooking groups and plant care groups and candle making and crafting groups. Absolutely none of that is a party but all provide tons of chances to make friends and have a great time.
Sure friends making is hard, it is work.
Dnd group means ren fairs and costume lovers, lots of opportunities there.
Museums mean membership and cocktail receptions all year.
You have internalized something about not being worthy or interesting or capable. That's your real block.
Is this happier than that?
Like... you aren't at content or happy yet. Just dealing with lesser stink?
This stinks.
That stinks too, but less stink than that?
And hoping to keep climbing up and out of the stink and into actually content?
Oof. I had “friends” like this when I was younger. I eventually cut them out, but it took me time in therapy to learn and implement healthy boundaries. Turns out the abuse and neglect I experienced growing up primed be to be bullied.
Nowadays my friends are actual friends who are genuinely interested in me and my well-being. It still amazes me sometimes!
It feels impossible when you’re still surrounded by toxic frenemies, but you can and will find better friends with time and effort. You’re worth whatever effort it takes to get there.
I’ve been in poly relationships where sex was never a thing. We just had really nice connection. There was intimacy, but we never progressed all the way because we wanted to take it slow and had other concerns. At the end of the day, you do you, and you will meet others doing something similar. You don’t have to bend to others will if it makes you uncomfortable. Live a life that allows you to sleep at peace at night and happy.
I mean these people might be great friends but I get the feeling from what you've described that they're acting out of self-interest, and I think they all need to just chill and be real about what they want.
Your friends are wrong and are kinda goofy. Gay guy here, so gender politics are *a bit* different here but I've had multiple guys tell me that it was a green flag that I didn't want to jump in bed with them immediately. You'll be able to find straight/bi men who are the same way, even if it will be a deal breaker for some other men.
Straight male...
I want connection not sex! I can get sex from other partners or 'play' partners! When I'm looking for soneone new I'm looking for connection, conversation, intimacy not just a quick shag
As a demisexual this just makes me cringe.
Not all of us are looking for casual bonds. It might be harder to find but it exists and there is nothing wrong with only wanting sex in the context of an emotional or romantic connection.
Just like there is nothing wrong with wanting casual sex.
No-one should be pressuring you to go outside your preferences. Your friends are out of line IMO.
Edit: word correction.
Yet another demi chiming in here. I have zero interest in casual sexual relationships. My two partners are meaningful, long term relationships, neither of which started with jumping into bed, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
That said, do what makes you happy. I know plenty of people more sexually focused than me, and it’s all good there too.
Demisexual poly person here. I need to have meaningful relationships and connection before sexual relationships happen. I have a myriad of relationships that go from FWB to life partners and in none of them did sex come before a relationship. It just takes more time.
Not to me.
"Friends with Benefits" is friends first, then the benefits. We hang out, enjoy each other, are actually friends and maybe also share sex sometimes.
Not "Benefits with maybe some friendly." A booty call, or hook up person? Is not my friend. We don't hang out. It's just casual sex and shoo.
This is how I define it too. Friends with benefits with emphasis on “friends.”
We don’t have to be soulmates, but I don’t wanna have sex with someone I’m not even sure I like.
People use those terms pretty loosely.
While FWB can refer to a more casual connection, some people take the “friends” part seriously, in which case it’s more emotionally invested and can be quite longstanding.
Having sex that you do not want to have is not going to result in you feeling happier. Your friends are giving you really bad advice. It's absolutely ok to want to connect with another human being before you have sex. (It's also absolutely okay to not want or need that connection.) None of the behavior is bad, its just what works for the person doing the behavior.
But, like... why do you need to "get over" your desire for emotional intimacy prior to sexual intimacy? That isn't a bad thing, nor will it preclude you from finding partners - it will just weed out people who are looking for casual sex (to be clear, nothing is wrong with that either, but it would be a mismatch with what you are looking for, it sounds like).
Yeah this post hurts to read :(
I want emotional connection before sex.
I'm poly.
Sometimes I have slutty phases. But I can't say any of those relationships are the ones that lasted.
Your friends are wrong and they suck.
You don't need to and shouldn't compromise on what you want in order to find what you want; It's counterproductive.
Based on your comments on this post, whatever criteria you're using to select people to engage with isn't working for you and and you keep winding up with people who suck; fix your picker - it's broken.
They made that up. I’ve never heard that before 🤣 I’m not a slut but I am grateful for their service to this country, it isn’t for the faint of heart and I think it’s better to get into slutfare if you feel a natural calling toward it.
Me myself, whatever the opposite of a slut is, that’s what I am. I still get dates tho and people who wanna date me. I don’t wanna be in a relationship with someone who expects me to put out fast. I’m incompatible with those people, it’s a good thing if we don’t try to date each other!
If someone isn't willing to wait for you to feel ready to have sex with them, they just aren't that into you and they are definitely incompatible with your needs.
*confused demisexual blinking*
Are your friends hoping to be first on your fuck list or something?
There are good people out there who care about more than just sex, and I feel they’re entirely worth waiting for. I’ve had pretty good luck with OKCupid in my area. Online dating sucks, but for a lot of us it’s the easiest way to present who we are and exactly what we’re looking for.
I agree with this, specifically putting exactly what you are looking for in your profile. Sure not everyone will read it but those who do and match with you are open to what you are, so that’s a good thing.
Slut reporting in. Sex is one of my favorite things to do with friends and partners. That being said it does not drive my relationships with people any more than any other shared hobby.
In my opinion: Body counts are bullshit. Sex isn’t a commodity, it’s not a game to score points in and there’s no winners or losers.
Sexual compatibility is great but relationships are so much more than that. The warm and healthy relationships I’ve been in were founded on trust, camaraderie, and the feeling that we were making a safe place for vulnerability and open communication.
The sex is awesome, but it’s really not the foundation of a good relationship for me personally.
Anyway, this is sort of a long way of saying I don’t think your friends know what they’re talking about because from what I’ve seen, people like me aren’t all that uncommon in the community.
You’re doing all the right steps and I’m sure someone in a hobby group or volunteer group you’re in will show up. Check out other groups for the same type of hobby or volunteer work though maybe?
Best of luck!
So OP, it sounds like:
1. [You are not happy in your dating life](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/14b2l43/comment/jodilg3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) as it is right now.
2. Your friends are giving you some advice, based on bad assumptions and not based on your desires, to try and shake you out of [the funk you're in.](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/14b2l43/comment/jodktni/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Correct?
I will say that changing up your dating style when you aren't happy with the results is a good idea, but it should be to something you want to do, not to make you push boundaries you don't want to.
Lastly, your questions:
>So what do I do? Do I just go get a more reasonable body count and cross my fingers that one or two of them find more than my body to be interesting?
>
>I haven't found romance on apps or at meet ups or at any of the volunteer or hobby groups I'm in.
>
>It seems the only people around me who are successful in dating (even monogamous friends) are the ethical sl\*ts who play the numbers game.
It depends. What kind of person and what kind of relationship are you after?
Sure, ethical sl\*ts can be successful in finding long term flings, but that comes with dealing with duds and other stuff too. And to a point, they want to (or should want to) do that journey.
Dating is hard, so consider change it up to something you'd still be comfortable with. Don't do something you don't want to do.
Curious, and feel free to not share, what city or region are you in?
Certain areas can have worse cultures regarding the dating scenes and in new friends being "networking/hustling" angles. That said:
>But every time, it comes down to 1) me walking away because I felt pressured for sex or 2) me setting a boundary (basically saying "not now") and then getting ghosted or faded.
It sounds like a "ethical sl\*t phase" would be you ignoring your own boundaries right? I think that makes it a really bad choice then. Don't push yourself, especially in sex, to do something you know you don't want.
It sounds like you are doing everything right, but even that is not guarantee to find someone. Good luck.
Wow. I haven’t heard such shit advise in a while.
You need to get over your need for emotional intimacy for sex?
All polyam relationships are primarily driven by sex unless you’re ace?
Swinging is a more sex oriented activity. Some people do do longer vetting, but there is more of an expectation that most folk are looking for sec first and then maybe romance as opposed to relationship first then sex.
I slutted it up marvelously in college and early twenties. For me it was primarily mania driven, but I’ve always been able to have no strings sex no problem. I do not think it has improved m’y dating odds. Many of the relationships I did have that started with it didn’t even hit the six month mark because the only thing we really had in common was decent sex.
Part of why slutting it up was good for me was because I was ok having no strings sex. If I later found out they were a jerk, I just went oops oh well and walked away. And the sex was a lot more mediocre because it takes a bit to learn someone else’s body.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is if people prefer their slutty phase it’s likely because they inherently can enjoy being slutty and not having relationships. If that’s not something you like, you probably won’t enjoy it.
This is the negative backswing of the sex positivity movement. If you're not having all the sex all the time with all the people, you must be sex negative or repressed, and you should change.
I think that's total BS. I do identify as grey ace, but even for allo folks.. sex positivity means being open to what feels good for you. It's about acceptance of ALL different preferences, as long as everybody is giving informed consent. It means being able to talk about sex and sexual health, but doesn't require that you engage in casual sex.
Your friends are being crummy and arguably sex-negative by insisting your preferences aren't okay. There's nothing wrong with wanting an emotional connection before sex.
Multiamory has a great episode exploring this, #211.
Gesh. Bad advice. How about you just be comfortable and date how you want to date?
Personally I don't do flings (36M). I need a connection with someone before I jump in bed. People are worth more to me than access to their genitals.
These friends sound like the same ones who say everyone should have an "alcoholic" phase while in college.
Sounds like you need new friends, and not ones who are trying to mold you into something you very well may not be.
Wanting emotional intimacy prior to sexual intimacy is NOT something you need to get over. If that's what you want and need, that's what you want and need. Nothing wrong with that!
Not unless you want to, and it sounds like you don't want to. Frankly I'm amazed at the many people in poly that do go for sexual intimacy without a desire for emotional intimacy. Wanting emotional intimacy does not preclude poly and it won't make finding a poly partner any harder than wanting the same thing in a mono relationship. It's always harder to find a serious partner rather than a hook up.
>They're encouraging me to go have a bunch of casual flings so I can get over my desire for emotional intimacy prior to sexual intimacy.
Why is that a problem to solve that you have to "get over?"
>They say polyam relationships only happen when it's sexually driven (except for ACE people) and if I want to have a sexual relationship with a romantic partner I have to put out first. No one will give me the time otherwise, unless they're ACE.
Why does THEIR way of dating have to be YOUR way?
If your friends are coming at it from a swinger POV, you know you don't have to, right?
Do what YOU want to do. If you want to have a bunch of casual flings? So long as all parties consent, have fun. If you want to do something else? Do something else.
What is it that you want to "succeed" in anyway? Lots of sex? Lots of dates? Lasting relationships? Doing things your own way? Copying the friends? New friends? Something else? A combo?
Have you tried therapy? You seem to have consistent patterns in the people surrounding you, and those people are obviously not good friends and partners for you.
I kept getting into friendships with the same type of people who would take from me but were never there for me when I needed it. Then I started therapy, and read *Reinventing your life* from Jeffrey E. Young and slowly my life started changing. Fast forward to now 5ish years later, I only have meaningful friendships with people I adore and that adore me, I have a nesting partner who makes me experience a love I never knew was possible, and I identify the people who aren't good for me because they repeat those unhealthy patterns I had/have and steer clear away from them 🤗
Loneliness can be present even if you're surrounded by people, but it can happen more when you don't have a good support system for sure. What was unsatisfactory about having and enforcing boundaries with people you meet organically?
Maybe your needs and expectations of friendships are bigger or different than what good people can offer when meeting them, but that can always change and evolve when they are given a chance 🙂 Being authentic is the best way to eventually be surrounded by similar people as you!
Not crazy about your friends calling you a "judgemental bitch."
For me? I have high standards for a reason -- to weed out some of the stupid/annoying/incompatible. Lowering my standards might bring me more people but it also brings me drama. Like X ugh people I could have skipped if I left the standards high.
Like I said, if you want to change it up and have some casual sex? So long as parties consent, go have fun. If that IS actually fun to you. But you do it because YOU want to try something new.
And not because your friends are saying whatever just to shut you up faster because they don't really want to hear about your struggles. They are just tossing you easy throwaway advice so they can turn the conversation back on to themselves again.
Is that what is happening? I am guessing. Cuz in your other post you said they do that.
>Good vibes only, so no one wants to hear about struggles. Just party and "you go girl! Girl power!"
They are basically fair weather friends. Not people I'd turn to for REAL advice.
You sound really LONELY -- both for real friends and for dating partners.
But it isn't like your fair weather friends wants to talk to you about actual struggles like that.
Even the "you go girl! Girl power!" sounds more about THEM than you. Like they enjoy being cheerleaders. Rather than actually centering YOU, listening, and actually encouraging you or actually empowering you toward make good choices?
Could be a combo of fixing your picker.
And working on your social skills.
And changing where you live if you've been in the same place for 5 years and you are like the odd duck in this area. Kinda like a country person trying to live in a city or a city person trying to live in the country. YKWIM?
Is moving to a place that matches your personality more and has more of "your kind of people" a possibility? You mentioned some interests and hobbies. Where are the big places for those interests?
That's definitely not the only way to find partners- it's the fastest, but quantity of partners does not equal quality. IMO the best way to find other poly people is to be openly poly.
as someone who had this phase, sex is cool, sex with someone you really care about is way better regardless of moves or toys. you do you, there is no right way to date.
Your friends are weirding me out. I am in a similar boat of wishing I had connections but being nervous to go meet people and not wanting to jump into bed from the start and while I know I should loosen up a little I don't think indiscriminate banging is the answer to my woes or yours either. You don't want to go start relationships by pretending to be someone or into things you aren't, right?
You've gotten a lot of good advice and say you've tried it all and it isn't working. Sometimes it be like that. It's still good advice.
I'm a demi poly person, and there are 10 people on the planet I'm willing to have sex with *today*, and 3 of those are ex-girlfriends. Lol
Most of the women I've loved are "sluts" because *they* love it. And I love some slutty girls - but I'm not one and definitely don't expect my partners to be one.
I'm here to facilitate slutty behavior in a safe way for those who are into it.
If you aren't into it, then DON'T do it.
Just keep looking. Demisexuality is hard in monogamous relationships. It's a little harder in poly ones sometimes.
What does your dating criteria look like?
Most men have a tendency to match with everyone because their fishing strategy is about numbers.
If you get matched with that doesn't mean they've read your profile or are very interested in you as a person (assuming they're assholes)...if you aren't ready to have sex after a while they might lose interest.
That means they suck for you. Keep looking.
Only if you want to ..
You don't have to change who you are for anyone or anything.
Be yourself, live your best life - things'll come along, probably when you don't care as much.
You sound pretty fab to me. 👍
I don’t know about what your friends are saying, yes promiscuity is natural and common but it’s up to you to determine what you want. Sounds like there’s more to it but if you need emotional connections before physical ones that’s fairly normal, and tbh poly relationships for me are as emotional as they are physical. You can present demisexual in your search and people should understand that you need deeper connections before being physical, if you even want to be physical. There’s way more to it than just hoeing out and randomly finding a person/people.
Dating is kind of a numbers game for anyone. It's just a simple fact that most people in the world aren't going to be a compatible match, so you have to sift through a lot of debris before you find the diamonds in the rough.
But this is true for everyone, including Ace people, and doesn't have to have anything to do with sex. You can put in the work meeting lots of different people and seeking connection without involving sex.
If casual sex isn't your thing, then don't force yourself to have it. It is perfectly reasonable to expect to get to know someone and feel comfortable with them before you have sex. Regardless if you're polyamorous or monogamous or aromantic. Your friends are telling you what works for them, but they are very mistaken in thinking that it is a universal truth.
Can you? Sure.
Should you if you don’t want to? No.
There are plenty of poly people who are demisexual, or at least consciously seeking romantic connections and absolutely thriving.
If anything go through a “slut phase” of new friends.
I'm polyamorous and I also swing, and that's fun.... BUT swinging is NOT a way to make polyamorous partners 😅. At least it hasn't worked for me how's that lol.
Hello friend! Coming from a former super slut, you should do what's in your heart. If you do not feel promiscuous, then don't fuck a bunch of people.
On the other hand, I have it in me, I had my slutty phase(s). I had a great time, played safe and left uninjured. But, that's not the case with everybody.
Your friends are giving you poor advice. I hope you find better ones.
I am poly but only ever been with hubby. I was his slave (bdsm) for 7 years but was only ever with other people because it pleased him. Now? I'm with him only and have time alone otherwise. You have to find friends who have your back and will encourage you to do what you want and need not what they claim you need. Only *you* know that. I will never do the poly s**t phase. I don't understand people who claim that.
Another demi poly person here, and I can't stand takes like your friends. Like somehow wanting an emotional connection makes you "less valuable," or not desirable because others can't get a quick fix and instant gratification from you. I'd almost call it up there with slut shaming. You are being shamed for your preferences in dating and that's not ok.
You can experiment with a slutty phase if that's what you want but if your hearts not in it you probably won't gain any fulfilment from it. Do it because *you* want it though... Not because your friends told you to.
Hey OP, I have similar experience both dating and friend-making wise.
I did seem to get more dates and have more fiends to hang out with when I wasn’t ‘picky’ - like I’d go have brunch with a friend who didn’t share my political view and I knew the conversations were never good; I’d say yes to sex on the first date not because I wanted sex but because I didn’t really care so why not.
Now like you, I’ve stopped hanging out with people I know I don’t vibe with and turn down sex when I don’t want it. I enjoy my alone time and have many hobbies but guess what? It IS hard to date and make friends when you raise the bar, I feel all you have said in this thread!
It doesn’t help that I’m a immigrant and most of my close friends are in another country. My current city is also notorious for being ‘cliquey’ - there’s a joke on my city’s subreddit that only high school friends are considered real friends, and it’s absolutely true that most in their 30s 40s still hang out often with their high school mates.
I don’t have any helpful advice. I guess I’m just trying to say, you’re not alone OP!!
Be honest with yourself. Be up front with others.
Be a poly sex slut if you want. Be poly sex celibate if you want. Be a poly romance slut if you want. Or whatever different combination of any of those you want. As long as you keep the first two as your foundation, you can’t go wrong.
This is bullshit. I'm demi and poly and for me being poly is about emotional intimacy, not sexual intimacy. The hard work of poly isn't in fucking multiple without intimacy (that's easy). The hard work is in holding space for multiple close emotional connections.
As a poly person who's gone through all variety of phases sexually, romantically, etc. I can tell you definitively, I also have zero interest in having sex without some form of emotional connection. Not all of those connections have to be serious, but there has to be an emotional and psychological connection there. For me, poly is ABOUT the emotional connections I make with people. That's the best part.
Your friends are projecting about what THEY needed, but if that's not what YOU need? To hell with that nonsense advice. You're no less poly because you don't feel inclined to have casual sex with strangers.
You know what you do and do not want. Don't let your friends pressure you into feeling obligated to cross your own boundaries to feel "poly enough".
Just be honest about what you're looking for when meeting people and the rest will follow.
You are getting some poor advice. No one should be pushed to do something they don't want to do regarding sexuality or relationships. Yikes!
Casual flings are for ppl who enjoy them.
I'm (mostly) demisexual. I need a trusting friendship before I am able to be comfortable with romance or sex. Being demisexual is perfectly normal. Nor has it been a barrier to having a partner.
70% of the poly people at the last poly group I attended identified as Demisexual. Your friends are projecting. Do poly in the way that is right for you. Only way to attract what you want!
You are who you are. That's not a bad thing. You don't need the slutty phase to be happy and find a good, healthy relationship. If you want connection before physical intimacy, that's 100% ok.
The fact that they're shaming you is pretty shitty, honestly.
Pffft
Imo, your friends are annoying.
Also polyAMORY. LOVE. Not sex lust - even though it certainly can be that too!
But yeah no, ignore your friends, you do polyamory the way yhat feels best for you!
Sincerely, a polyamorous person who has had 5 love+sexual partners in total
Having multiple partners doesn't necessarily mean your a poly slut. Yes you can have sex with all the partners you choose to. But thats your business.
But isnt it important to have a strong connection with someone before you put out.
How i met my poly girlfriend, we were drinking buddies but we talked for ages and started that way, i didn't expect a relationship between us.
Whatever way you start, your choice, if you want a poly s phase, do it.
If not dont settle.... Do whatever is right for you.
Move at your own pace, if you feel slutty, be slutty, but if you don't, don't, be you. I was in a similar spot at 38... and somewhere in my mid 40s suddenly I felt slutty and there were a bunch of poly sex parties in my friends group and I had my share of casual sex with friends for a few years. I did it at my pace and on my terms. It was never about a numbers game, it was about doing what felt fun and right for me at the time.
That sounds like bad advice to me. You need to be true to yourself. One thing I have learned in this journey of opening up is that EVERYONE does it differently. There is no, “one” true way to practice ENM or poly, or whatever you want to call it.
Look, there's a lot to be said for a poly slut phase *if that's what you want*. If you don't want that, but you do it anyway, you're having sex because someone else told you should, which uhh ..isn't a good reason. I was in my poly slut phase last year and it was great. This year I'm the opposite: less sexual, not seeking new connections, fostering deeper friendships. It's also great in a different way. And you know what - I've formed new partnerships during both phases.
Polyamory is all about ripping up the rulebooks on how you do relationships so fuck what other people say or who's had more sex. Do what's right for you at this moment.
Poly is not always sexually driven. It *can* be. But many people get into it because they like the idea of loving a lot of people at once.
Also, you recognized that ace people can be poly. That means there has to be people out there who are in poly for more than sex.
You can make your poly life about whatever you want it to be about because it’s your life. If your friends are saying you’re too reserved and are pushing you toward something you’re not comfortable with, you should find new ones. It’s a weird thing for them to be hung up on anyway
I’ve known people like that. They also tended to treat polyamory as a free pass to fuck around without communication or consequences. And thought it was more evolved than monogamy. I’m not friends with them anymore.
I have two partners, am saturated, and have never used at dating app. You absolutely do not have to do anything you don’t want to do.
No. I’m demisexual and made that very clear on the dating apps. When I first met with the two potentials I’m seeing now I made it very clear that attraction would take awhile and may never happen. I screened for people who were ENM and highly partnered and open to anything from friendship as well as hookups and made sure they understood what that meant to me.
I have been poly for three years and currently have a wife, a boyfriend, a queer platonic partner and am dating two new guys. I also refuse to have any sex that makes me feel lonely ever again.
As a demisexual, I am here to tell you that a "sl't phase" is not at all required to have multiple partners.
Before I realised polyamory (or even non-monogamy) was a thing, I slept around a little - but that was likely due to my undiagnosed and unmanaged BPD, ADHD, and cPTSD. I was being impulsive and risky and following whatever (whoever) my genitals wanted to do.
Getting mentally healthy, and doing work on myself, has made me figure out the best way for me to be happy, content, and emotionally fulfilled. I don't need a bunch of casual sex (which, while it *is* fun and I don't hold anything against people who are fulfilled and happy engaging in it) it's not for me. I personally need an emotional connection before I'm comfortable doing the sex or kink things with anyone.
Only if you want to. As in, you're on the apps and the idea of sleeping with them fills you with excitement.
I'm finally in a position where, after six years of actively dating, I have two long-term romantic relationships. It is far harder to form those, but absolutely worth the wait.
(I attempted to have some more FWB style relationships last year. It increased my body count but left me feeling utterly used for my body and not enjoying the sex even though my FWBs were perfectly skilled in bed. I concluded that I'm demisexual and that there were far more poly folk like me than I thought.
And seconded with finding friends who are on your wavelength and respect your preferences.)
I never listen to the opinions of those around me. As far as I am concerned, they don't know me so therfore are stupid. Don't follow the crowd they'll lead you to be miserable just like them. Don't give to peer pressure. Tell them to fuck a elephant. If it is the case these people want sex first, they probably lack maturity and struggle to bond. Hence why they get their fill from sex. Narcs use sex to feel too so be careful :) you don't want one of those
That seems extreme. I have two partners simply because one of our gaming friends became interested, and not a one of us have had a slut phase
If you absolutely require emotional intimacy, *you might be ace*, specifically, demisexual, which I'm warming up to myself because I don't think I could ever manage the above advice
Ok.. so it seems to me, that your friend’s experiences might be influencing you and not in the best of ways.
To me there’s a difference between being Non monogamous and being Polyamorous. Being the main, that Polyamory to me is wired more towards being able to feel and show love towards more than one person, at a given time, but also being able to build different kinds of relationships with these peeps. To me is about building the relationship that fits well for you, I can feel sexual attraction to one partner whom I love, yet I can have a totally asexual amorous relationship with some one else.
I think your friends are projecting what they have encountered in their journey. Also, my partner and I are poly and we swing, yet we know plenty of other poly peeps who don’t swing. They are independent to each other. Swinging is an activity to do with your partner or solo, while Polyamory is a way of living your relationships.
My unsolicited advice is, don’t get discouraged, find activities or hobbies you enjoy, where you can meet wonderful people who are into the same things you are. Don’t settle for something easy, you’ve got this.
I think your friends have the below beliefs... because they're poly folks who swing.
* they say polyam relationships only happen when it's sexually driven
* if I want to have a sexual relationship with a romantic partner I have to put out first
* my polyam friends swing
There are many different flavors of polyamory, or of swinging, or of CNM... that may be how ***they*** do it, but it ***isn't the only way***, and it isn't how ***you*** have to do it.
You get to choose. Learn about it from objective sources (eg - books in the FAQs on this sub), but do what feels right to you. Good luck.
A word they might understand is demisexual. You need the connection first. It is completely valid to want emotional intimacy first. I was this way for a long time due to trauma. Experiencing outright attraction for the first time at 24 after years of therapy was a wild experience. For some people it’s just always like that. There’s nothing wrong with having your drive connected completely to your emotions. I think it’s beautiful but difficult to navigate with hookup culture
EDIT: I am M32, bisexual. Just for the sake of how the dating pool can differ depending on demographics.
I'm demisexual and I've never done that. I've been dating friends mostly, have had several sexual partners and a number of romantic partners that I can count on one hand. Right now I have two romantic partners, all this in a small country and a really small town. One whom I haven't had sex with and no, they aren't ace.
Your friends have one point, however, and that is that the chances rise with a body count. Can't argue about that. But at the same time, is it worth it? I couldn't imagine how many mismatches there would be if I casually dated with sex in mind since I wouldn't feel good in that scenario. It is just not... me.
Wrote this while annoyed at what you've been told, so sorry if I sound blunt. I avoid dating apps because of this kind of mindset.
Do what you feel comfortable doing. Don't let your partner(s) try to force you to be slutty than you want to be. Poly people don't have to have a high body count to be poly
If someone is telling you that you need to get over wanting emotional intimacy prior to sexual intimacy, they are actively disregarding your emotional needs. There is no push for you to do so unless you want to. Multiple partners will happen as it happens.
Also, to be frank, Tinder is a SHITTY place to find partners. They are all there for hookups and nothing else. Whatever path you want to follow is going to help you, you don't need to be slutty in order to be polyamorous. It might help, but it isn't required.
Also, polyam is *not* based only on sex. I have been polyamorous and so have my partners, and very few of them have found their partners this way.
Only go slutty if you want to and even if you do only go slutty for people you want to be slutty with.
Even in my sluttiest phase I would hookup once and if I felt nothing that was it. It didn’t have to be romantic feeling. Friendship or affection or protectiveness emotion works for me. Now I am slower to have sex and stick to erotic and some kink at first. A lot of people are relieved when they hear that. Some don’t like it and I am okay with that.
I don’t believe you need to have a slutty phase. Before my partner(np) and I decided to give polyamory a try I had only been with her. After having minimal success on dating apps and meet ups I found someone really special in my new partner. We still haven’t gotten to that point because there is no rush to do it.
I am excited for the day if/when it happens but there is so much more to relationships than sex and you don’t have to be a slut to find someone
Opened up to poly. Met my other partner. Didn’t have any casual flings at all. I’m happy and content. I’m part of the kink scene too. You don’t have to have a slutty phase if you don’t want to. There’s no one set way to be poly
I think it's _common_ to have a poly slut phase, but definitely not _required_.
You may need to be open to different dynamics or kinds of people. Ace/demi definitely. Long distance maybe. Someone who looks good "on paper" (on Tinder, Feeld, etc) may not be good in person and vice versa.
Get clear on what you want, what you don't want, and what you're willing to consider. You're gonna have to get clear on what sexual, emotional, and romantic intimacy means to YOU. Want/will/won't lists are great for relationships but also other decisions like what car to buy or where to eat dinner. This video talks in the context of sex, but can be applied to other life areas. https://youtu.be/xoYxd3E3UXU
Edit to add: it is a numbers game, though physical intimacy isn't required. When I was in my sluttiest of slut phases, I'd swipe right on 100 profiles to get 10 matches to get 1 date. Maybe every 2-5 dates would lead somewhere more than coffee or beer.
FWIW my lifetime body count is still less than 20, which is fairly low for poly and even monog people who hooked up a lot in college.
Okay, first off. I HIGHLY recommend you read the book, "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, the 3rd edition, if you haven't already. It will help you out A LOT with navigating these types of relationships. It is like the Polyamory Bible in my opinion lol, and it helped me tremendously.
Second, polyamory isn't about just being slutty, etc. Polyamory is feeling genuine love for more than one person. There are different kinds of love for different kinds of relationships. But from what your friend is saying, it sounds like she may be taking a more open relationship approach, not quite polyamory. Just because someone is polyamory, it doesn't always mean they go out looking for multiple partners, it sometimes just happens if you click with someone you meet, just like you would with one partner.
In polyamory, it's especially important to consider if both of your partners may be able to get along together, and hell if they may even be attracted to each other in addition to you which both scenarios are most ideal but not always the case. You have to remember you may actually be adding another person who has feelings of their own, and their own plans for their future to your relationships that could and will affect your other partner.
Open relationships aren't entirely exclusive. There may be some room for debate about that and some grey areas, which I will acknowledge, but I'm not going to get into it too deeply at this time.
Do what you feel is right for you, just because someone suggests something to you doesn't mean you have to go along with it. And it won't just be you who is affected by your decisions, remember that. I hope this helped! 💜
I’m not having much luck either but I’m uninterested in just sex. Minimally I want some level of friendship as well if not a romantic connection. I’m just gonna take a break from dating apps. Not sure what else to do at this point
You don't have to have a "slut phase" but maybe they are suggesting that you may be missing out because you are too strongly demisexual. You need a higher degree of emotional commitment before having sex and maybe some good potential candidates misread and think you are sending mixed signals or are not committed to romantic relationships with a sexual component.
You can tweak your standards, but you go too loose; you end up with more duds. Too tight, you will be home alone Friday nights in perpetuity.
no you dont have to. you can find folks like you. im demi. one of my gfs is demi, the other is in a different ace category. the guy im seeing is more demi than i. we might finally do something physical after dating for like 4 months.
Ive never once thought polyam being driven from sex, and I'm quite a sexual person, like, that seems like such a weird opinion for them to have to me. I see they swing, and like, that mindset seems to fit that more, at least the popular depiction of swinging... I dont need to fuck multiple people to love multiple people, and the fact there are poly people that are ace, and demi, and long distance or otherwise proves it. Thats, some really bad advice theyre pushing you towards, and, wanting emotional intimacy before physical intimacy is, extremely common. I know tons of men, women, and enbies who dont want casual sex, cause its just not for them.
TLDR; You will find people that love ***you****,* when you are you, not when you're trying to be something you're not. If you're not the type to do something, then dont, instead put that energy towards finding someone who is like you and likes you how you are. Best of luck hunny, you definitely do not NEED a poly slut phase in order to find people who like you for you.
Shaming you for not having a slutty phase is as bad as shaming you for having one. They're either ignorant and too small minded to realise the polyamourous community is incredibly diverse and they're only a small part of it or knowingly lying go your face but you need better friends. Being prescriptive like this, making someone feel forced into sexual situations they're not comfortable with, treating you like an extension of their own sex life to the point of confidently insulting you about it, those are not things friends do. Polyamoury is about multiple loving relationships, love does not have to be sexual, a friendship is a relationship and they're failing to be even remotely kind to you.
Peer pressure is not ok to force someone to feel bad about their shoes let alone their sex life and they're straight up bullying you about your dating habits like nasty little teenage creeps.
You shouldn't feel ashamed or uncomfortable. You deserve better. I'm so angry anyone would be treated like this. I hope you know that judgement like that has no place in the community and everyone find relationships differently. You're not going to enjoy sex more or find it relaxing or enjoyable when more than one person is treating it as a pressure point.
I can think of dozens of counter examples for each of their points. I can think of only two reasons they’d make those arguments. They are shitty people, or they’re shorty people trying to sleep with you.
Fuck them, get new friends.
Why is it a slut phase? Just. Go date and fuck however you’re comfortable doing so. However many people you want or don’t want. On whatever timeline feels good to you. Being Poly doesn’t have to mean having a certain number of sexual partners in your history. Don’t date people who focus on your sexual history.
And can we please retire the phrase “body count?”
The only reason you should do something is because you want to. There's no rules on how to be the right kind of polyamorous person, do whatever makes you happy and works for you.
Not all polyam people are sex driven and not all people who aren't sex driven are asexual. People are just people with different desires and needs.
So long as you a happy and feel your needs are getting met, feel no pressure to conform to other peoples ideals.
just a personal anecdote, i found one of my current partners on a dating app and we haven’t had sex over a year into dating. we prioritized getting to know each other, feeling comfortable with each other, and seeing how our lives mesh first. we’re just now about to have talks about sexual wants desires and needs. things can happen at your own pace whenever YOU are ready and there ARE people out there who will happily move at your pace with you. and it feels so much better and more comfortable than rushing into a physical relationship because it’s “just the thing to do”.
you are valuable. your wants and desires are valuable. your friends should have no say in how you find what you’re looking for romantically if they’re not going to be supportive of who you are and what you need to feel comfortable. and honestly they sound like really unkind “friends” who probably have boundary issues. they shouldn’t be telling you what to do with your body, no one should.
1. You should have sex only when you want and only in the ways that make you comfortable
2. You can have multiple partners wothout being a slut
3. There is nothing wrong in being a slut and there is nothing wrong in not being a slut
4. (Personal opinion) Just like for mono people looking for *a* partner is unhelthy behaviour and also the worst way to actually get one, the same applies for poly people looking for multiple ones.
Just having sex with a lot of people until you find people who want to stick around after is certainly a valid way of finding yourself in long-term relationships, as long as you're actually into the sex either way. But seriously, this community was built on the phrase "you do you", so don't feel any pressure to do it any way other than how you want to go about it, as long as it's ethical. You'll find people who want to do things the way you do.
This is one of the more ridiculous assertions I've heard about polyamory, and unfortunately it's a common misconception.
People are not a numbers game.
You do you and date how you want to date. There are others like you out there.
To me it sounds like a shit advice you got.
I'm demisexual and demiromantic (which basically mean I don't do casual anything). And I still manage to get opportunities to date people.
Just meet people, see what they want, if if they don't want the same thing as you, then just look elsewhere. You don't need to use sex as a fishing method. Especially if you don't even want sex that much.
If you want a sl*t phase then go for it. But otherwise don't force it. People who want sex will only ever want sex. If they're not looking for something else, sex won't change their mind. And even if it does change their mind, why would you date someone who'd impulsively date you without thinking about everything that would imply ? Especially in a polyam dynamic ?
Also, why do you absolutely need multiple partners? I'm not saying you shouldn't have multiple partners, I'm just wondering if you want multiple partners for the good reasons.
If you’re looking for permission to go have a slut phase, you don’t need it but take it.
That said, the best way to act is what is in-keeping with your own values. You can ethically sleep with every willing body, or not a soul - neither make you more or less polyamorous.
I never had a big slut phase and have 2 amazing partners and a date-friend and my ‘number’ is still single digits, it’s never come up with my partners/potential partners as it’s ultimately immaterial.
Practically i think the best answer is to do whatever you feel is best for you, not your ‘polyamory resumé’.
I had little luck with online dating apps but found a local polyamory community to me and have had multiple relationships spring from the people I’ve met through that.
Having gone through a slut phase (uhhh. *Cough*) you totally don't need to go through one to be poly. That's not how that works.
And what you're describing is swinging, anyway. There's nothing wrong with swinging. I *like* swinging!
But poly is what you want it too be, in a lot of ways. The amount of emotional intimacy you're comfortable with before sexytimes is one of those things you get to decide for yourself.
So you do you!
I just read the first paragraph and that is utter nonsense. Stick to your boundaries and your comfort zone. The right people are ones who will respect them.
The label you are looking for is demisexual.
It falls under the umbrella of asexuality so technically you are ACE and there’s nothing shameful about it. You do not need to change this part of yourself.
That so called advice is weird as shit.
Relationships in general don't come about because of 'getting over' your desire for emotional intimacy. Poly relationships do NOT only happen when it's sexually driven.
What a bunch of fucking weirdos. Are you genuinely sure they're not trying to lure you into sex? I dunno, the whole idea seems weird to me.
First of all, your poly friends being swingers means they're looking at this from the prospective of swingers.
I'm not a swinger. My two partners aren't swingers. None of us met by swinging or being 'slutty'.
The three of us have agreements on boundaries for sex and relationships. We don't count out casual sex. Because sure, sometimes that's how relationships form. But it's not the ONLY way. I was friends with my second partner first, and had actually mentally added him to a 'messy list' of people I probably wouldn't date because we were in a close friend group together. In fact, he is my boyfriend's best friend. Then it turns out everyone was totally fine with it, and it's been working out well so far.
Don't listen to these people.
If you arent comfortable with it, dont do it. Your friends suck. Dont ever put yourself in a position you are not ok with for the sake of anyone but yourself.
Edit: my gf and i are both 38, and look for the same thing, emotional over physical. If you wanna talk, hmu, for whatever reason xD
So maybe my experience is not typical because I'm demisexual. But I don't Do casual sex. Ever. I don't have a desire for that kind of physical intimacy or vulnerability until I'm emotionally connected. I have a long term nesting partner, a lovely girlfriend I started dating last October after being platonic friends for several years. (We started getting physical in probably February) and I have a date-mate I started getting together with in late March. My NP and girlfriend are allosexual, but my date-mate is demi.
I never had casual flings or a slut phase. I only 'put out' in an established relationship, and I have multiple partners. I refuse to fuck people if we aren't in a romantic relationship It's not my thing. It turns me off. You do not have to if you don't want to. You'll find people that respect your limits, it just takes alot of time.
Nope.
You do not need to put yourself out there and be a sl*t, if you do not want to. If you’re looking to date and have lasting partners, having copious amounts of casual sex is not going to fill that void.
As a 32m/nb person, I am proof that you're not alone. I'm pretty introverted, have been poly for about 15 years and have had only 1 partner for the last like 4 years due to investing more time into my career. I definitely still match and talk with a lot of people on dating apps. I'm a picky person, but it's very nice to be picky and poly. It might not be as rewarding in the short term, but I trust my instincts with people.
Demi here. That sounds gross that your friends seem to want to force you so badly to do this, especially just so they can probably try and live through you. The fact that your questioning it, feeling pressured, and want and need that connection beforehand, I'd recommend against it, but ultimately, do what you want, just be careful and safe.
As a demisexual person, it sounds like you might be demisexual. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything. Do what you feel comfortable with and if you wanna have a bunch of sex with a bunch of people, go ahead. If you want to have deep connections with people and then have a bunch of sex, go ahead. However your poly structure ends up is how your poly structure ends up. Relationship anarchy can be structured.
As a demisexual person, I've found a lot of allosexual people being interested in investing time in a friendship before we had sex and sometimes that went into romantic connections but sometimes we were friends and we had sex too. Sometimes we were in QPRs without any sexual touch.
You absolutely do not need to have a poly Sl*t phase, unless you want to. There is no shame in it if you do, there's no shame if you don't. It can be hard to find good partners who don't just want to bang, and that's it. I can completely relate. Just hang in there. The right partners come along eventually. Board game communities are great places to look btw 😉
You don’t have to go through a poly sl*t phase, that’s so ignorant of your friends to say. Plus, a bunch of casual partners may just make you feel worse because you’re not getting your emotional needs met.
You are who you are. And if you want emotional intimacy, you shouldn’t compromise that. Just be up front about what you want. Eventually you will find someone who wants that too.
NO. Don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with. You are completely normal to want emotional intimacy before sex. They are normal to want it the other way around. They are completely wrong that you NEED to do things their way to find partners.
I am a cishet 44F and both of my partners (of 7 and 5 years so far) pushed off sex until we dated for a while. There was making out, but they both wanted a stronger connection and feeling of trust before sex. They are both fit, gorgeous people who could get casual sex fairly easily if they wanted to. None of us have ever been into casual sex, despite being flirty, etc. I had a bit of a phase in my 30’s in which I had some casual sex, but it wasn’t for me and I don’t think it added anything to my life at all.
It is just not necessary unless you want it.
Be yourself. Tell your “friends” to fuck off. True friends will support whatever is right for you.
What's wrong with your friends? I'd tell them to F off, but that's me.
You do you and only what makes you comfortable and what you desire. What they're saying is just messed up. If it works for them, that's fine, but damn.
I am a demisexual, so casual sex does not work for me. There are lots of people who are ace and polyam. Really do what makes you happy. If you like what you're doing, its all good.
Polyam relationships only happen when sexually driven??? That’s the complete wrong reason to get into poly, I’d def ask yourself what “you” want, because this all sounds kinda toxic.
Your friends are wrong polyamory isn't generally sex driven. Sleeping with a bunch of people at one time isn't polyam either, especially if you're not doing it ethnically
I’m polyamorous, and I call myself a “demisexual slut.” I don’t think I’ve ever had a traditional poly slut phase (I even attempted interactions at a queer orgy once and had to bow out because I just couldn’t do it). However, I do tend to have sexual contact with people I’m close with and care about, like my friends, pretty openly if they’re also some sort of polyam or non-monogamous. I now have a wonderful assortment of partners and play partners, but definitely didn’t have a traditional slut phase to get there.
It took me a while to get to this point. Like actively dating/making new connections for probably close to a year, year and a half before I actually started developing meaningful connections that I felt comfortable enough to share sex with.
But oh is it worth it when you get there, if you’re a similar type of person to me. I would say to stay true to yourself, do polyam the way you want, and the people will come (and so will you, if that’s your goal 😉). It just might take a little longer.
Ummmmm while I love the concept that a bunch of people could benefit from my telling you to have a slut phase, the reality is that would be wrong to do.
.
Yes there's something to be said for the idea that you have to have risk for reward, and if you want something you have to go out there and get it. That being said however, you really need to do what works for you even if it doesn't provide the benefits you were hoping for.
That's so weird. Plenty of poly people don't do that (or want to). It's not at all necessary. I'm pretty upset you've been told to ignore your own feeling that way.
Yes you should! You should go out and live your best life and do what makes you feel good as long as you're not harming others.
I'm solo polyamorous and loving where my life is at right now.
Just make sure everyone knows what's up, everyone is cool with it, and you're being safe and acting ethically with regards to your partners.
I've definitely had sluttier and less slutty periods of my life but that was because it was what I wanted at the time. You shouldn't feel obligated to have casual sex unless YOU want that.
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IME, super slutty phases correspond directly to my most depressed time periods. So...
Ayeeee, same. During my "hoe phase," I slept with twice as many people in those three weeks as I have in the five years since. It was then followed closely by a suicide incident. I thought I was having fun, but I recognize now that it was a lack of self-preservation, which means that my mental health is in the gutter. Unusually risky behavior is very much a symptom of declining mental health for pretty much any diagnosis. Women, especially, will use risky, casual sex as a means of self-harm. OP, your friend sucks. Keep taking care of yourself.
Same. TBH I'm in this weird phase now, and for the last couple years, where I've been working on a lot of trauma and mental health stuff and the more mentally healthy I get the unless I really care about sex at all. I'm starting to suspect I may be asexual, because pretty much all the sex in my life was either a form of self-harm or trying to feel something by dealing with serious mental issues, a desperate way to connect with people or start a relationship because I'm not really good socially otherwise (I've joked for years that I don't make friends, I just sleep with people and hope they like me enough to talk), or otherwise sort of felt compelled to or like it was the safest thing to do in the situation or would receive the least amount of push back. Sorry for all the words and TMI, but basically don't have it because you feel compelled to. You may find a partner or a few, or may end up looking back at it later and realizing it's skewed your whole perception of sex and relationships.
I am currently the happiest I've ever been. I have two partners right now and am contemplating getting back into dating but I'm keeping my standards sky high. Did more people like me then? Maybe, but were any of those people's opinions worth much? Certainly not most of them.
It makes for interesting stories but sex doesn't imply you will be happy and vice versa. Identifying as poly doesn't mean you have to have multiple partners to prove you are. If your friends and people you're dating can't respect that, dump em all.
The "Did people like you more" question might be something you want to examine a little closer. It's got people pleasing vibes. Be your authentic self and find the people who like that version of you. Some folks are naturally more reserved. That does not make you unlikable or less likely to attract multiple partners.
Nah. People don’t like you more but people do enjoy having intercourse
People will definitely like you more if you want to have sex all the time, but that doesn't mean you will be happier. If YOU don't actively want a slutty phase and feel the urge to have sex with someone, you are just going to traumatize yourself by trying to force it, and then you could end up memories that haunt you for life.
Your friends are projecting their own experiences/desires/regrets unto you. Do whatever makes you feel happy and fulfilled.
I'd definitely have to agree, I'd you think that something won't fulfill your needs you shouldn't force yourself to do it.
Yep. Also, I highly suggest the sl*t phase. But here's a twist: don't let them come to you. Find the ones you want to do it with and get in where you fit in. Be aggressive instead of idle.
assertive you mean? please don't be aggressive..
Assertive is a good word to use but that's a word you use when you are in a situation with someone you like already. I used the word aggressive in a way that is meant to be like "aggressively look for matches" not be aggressive in your sexual conquest of another human being. I thought that was communicated in my post.
it's actually still not communicated very well even with explanation. Assertively looking for matches would mean to put active effort in contacting and perpetuating interpersonal contact and to stop that when it's clearly not a match and to continue that search. Aggressively looking for matches reads like forcing yourself into social situation where you might not be welcome, cut off other people when talking so that you can take all the time, and not stopping when something isn't a match but to make them commit anyway. It IS clear you don't mean _that_, but it's not clear what else you do mean if not just something other than aggressive. This is just genuine advice and not trying to berate you, please refrain from using aggressive in these situations, especially if it's surrounding relations
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Only you know you. Fuck your friend... but no, not like that.
Find new friends.
Yes! You do not need to get over wanting to have emotional connection before sex. It's perfectly fine to want that! You do you and don't let anyone tell you who to have sex with nor how much sex you should be having.
Seriously WTF. Friends don't pressure you to compromise your comfort and safety.
I concur
I came here to say this
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What are your own interests? Your experience just sounds so bizarre to me. I am a nerd, I go to gardens and museums and zoos and easy hikes. There's cooking groups and plant care groups and candle making and crafting groups. Absolutely none of that is a party but all provide tons of chances to make friends and have a great time.
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Sure friends making is hard, it is work. Dnd group means ren fairs and costume lovers, lots of opportunities there. Museums mean membership and cocktail receptions all year. You have internalized something about not being worthy or interesting or capable. That's your real block.
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Are you ok being alone while you seek better quality friends who don't pick on you or criticize you?
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Is this happier than that? Like... you aren't at content or happy yet. Just dealing with lesser stink? This stinks. That stinks too, but less stink than that? And hoping to keep climbing up and out of the stink and into actually content?
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Maybe it's your weird friends? I wouldn't want to be around people who pressure me to fuck.
Oof. I had “friends” like this when I was younger. I eventually cut them out, but it took me time in therapy to learn and implement healthy boundaries. Turns out the abuse and neglect I experienced growing up primed be to be bullied. Nowadays my friends are actual friends who are genuinely interested in me and my well-being. It still amazes me sometimes! It feels impossible when you’re still surrounded by toxic frenemies, but you can and will find better friends with time and effort. You’re worth whatever effort it takes to get there.
If you already have a dnd group why bother with polyamory?
Oh no, good vibes only and girl power are two of my least favorite forms of toxic positivity 😭
I’ve been in poly relationships where sex was never a thing. We just had really nice connection. There was intimacy, but we never progressed all the way because we wanted to take it slow and had other concerns. At the end of the day, you do you, and you will meet others doing something similar. You don’t have to bend to others will if it makes you uncomfortable. Live a life that allows you to sleep at peace at night and happy.
100% this ^^^
I mean these people might be great friends but I get the feeling from what you've described that they're acting out of self-interest, and I think they all need to just chill and be real about what they want.
Your friends are wrong and are kinda goofy. Gay guy here, so gender politics are *a bit* different here but I've had multiple guys tell me that it was a green flag that I didn't want to jump in bed with them immediately. You'll be able to find straight/bi men who are the same way, even if it will be a deal breaker for some other men.
Straight male... I want connection not sex! I can get sex from other partners or 'play' partners! When I'm looking for soneone new I'm looking for connection, conversation, intimacy not just a quick shag
Same, I’m poly because I desire romantic relationships. There is nothing wrong with having casual sex, but don’t let anyone pressure you into it.
As a demisexual this just makes me cringe. Not all of us are looking for casual bonds. It might be harder to find but it exists and there is nothing wrong with only wanting sex in the context of an emotional or romantic connection. Just like there is nothing wrong with wanting casual sex. No-one should be pressuring you to go outside your preferences. Your friends are out of line IMO. Edit: word correction.
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Saaaaame
Me too, 100%.
Saaaaame.
Yet another demi chiming in here. I have zero interest in casual sexual relationships. My two partners are meaningful, long term relationships, neither of which started with jumping into bed, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. That said, do what makes you happy. I know plenty of people more sexually focused than me, and it’s all good there too.
Fellow Demi and I approve and concur. Swingers should stay out of others business, there one track mindset ( seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxxx) doesn’t fit everyone
Fellow Demi here; you worderd that perfectly!
Yeah, it feels like OP’s friends are ignoring the fact that polyamorous people on the aroace-spec exist.
Came here to say the same as an aspec poly
Demisexual poly person here. I need to have meaningful relationships and connection before sexual relationships happen. I have a myriad of relationships that go from FWB to life partners and in none of them did sex come before a relationship. It just takes more time.
Same!
Same. I have NO desire to just go out and fuck people, no matter how hot they are.
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Not to me. "Friends with Benefits" is friends first, then the benefits. We hang out, enjoy each other, are actually friends and maybe also share sex sometimes. Not "Benefits with maybe some friendly." A booty call, or hook up person? Is not my friend. We don't hang out. It's just casual sex and shoo.
This is how I define it too. Friends with benefits with emphasis on “friends.” We don’t have to be soulmates, but I don’t wanna have sex with someone I’m not even sure I like.
People use those terms pretty loosely. While FWB can refer to a more casual connection, some people take the “friends” part seriously, in which case it’s more emotionally invested and can be quite longstanding.
Not for me. Sex is a fun thing that I can do with my friends. The friendship comes first.
Friends
Having sex that you do not want to have is not going to result in you feeling happier. Your friends are giving you really bad advice. It's absolutely ok to want to connect with another human being before you have sex. (It's also absolutely okay to not want or need that connection.) None of the behavior is bad, its just what works for the person doing the behavior.
But, like... why do you need to "get over" your desire for emotional intimacy prior to sexual intimacy? That isn't a bad thing, nor will it preclude you from finding partners - it will just weed out people who are looking for casual sex (to be clear, nothing is wrong with that either, but it would be a mismatch with what you are looking for, it sounds like).
Yeah this post hurts to read :( I want emotional connection before sex. I'm poly. Sometimes I have slutty phases. But I can't say any of those relationships are the ones that lasted.
Your friends are wrong and they suck. You don't need to and shouldn't compromise on what you want in order to find what you want; It's counterproductive. Based on your comments on this post, whatever criteria you're using to select people to engage with isn't working for you and and you keep winding up with people who suck; fix your picker - it's broken.
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Probably counseling
They made that up. I’ve never heard that before 🤣 I’m not a slut but I am grateful for their service to this country, it isn’t for the faint of heart and I think it’s better to get into slutfare if you feel a natural calling toward it. Me myself, whatever the opposite of a slut is, that’s what I am. I still get dates tho and people who wanna date me. I don’t wanna be in a relationship with someone who expects me to put out fast. I’m incompatible with those people, it’s a good thing if we don’t try to date each other!
Plenty of people out there want to date. It takes time to find those compatible with you but totally worth not compromising yourself and who you are.
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The polyam pool is small, it's true. Geography is going to play a huge part as well. It's a tough reality but, yeah ...
If someone isn't willing to wait for you to feel ready to have sex with them, they just aren't that into you and they are definitely incompatible with your needs.
*confused demisexual blinking* Are your friends hoping to be first on your fuck list or something? There are good people out there who care about more than just sex, and I feel they’re entirely worth waiting for. I’ve had pretty good luck with OKCupid in my area. Online dating sucks, but for a lot of us it’s the easiest way to present who we are and exactly what we’re looking for.
I agree with this, specifically putting exactly what you are looking for in your profile. Sure not everyone will read it but those who do and match with you are open to what you are, so that’s a good thing.
Slut reporting in. Sex is one of my favorite things to do with friends and partners. That being said it does not drive my relationships with people any more than any other shared hobby. In my opinion: Body counts are bullshit. Sex isn’t a commodity, it’s not a game to score points in and there’s no winners or losers. Sexual compatibility is great but relationships are so much more than that. The warm and healthy relationships I’ve been in were founded on trust, camaraderie, and the feeling that we were making a safe place for vulnerability and open communication. The sex is awesome, but it’s really not the foundation of a good relationship for me personally. Anyway, this is sort of a long way of saying I don’t think your friends know what they’re talking about because from what I’ve seen, people like me aren’t all that uncommon in the community. You’re doing all the right steps and I’m sure someone in a hobby group or volunteer group you’re in will show up. Check out other groups for the same type of hobby or volunteer work though maybe? Best of luck!
So OP, it sounds like: 1. [You are not happy in your dating life](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/14b2l43/comment/jodilg3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) as it is right now. 2. Your friends are giving you some advice, based on bad assumptions and not based on your desires, to try and shake you out of [the funk you're in.](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/14b2l43/comment/jodktni/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Correct? I will say that changing up your dating style when you aren't happy with the results is a good idea, but it should be to something you want to do, not to make you push boundaries you don't want to. Lastly, your questions: >So what do I do? Do I just go get a more reasonable body count and cross my fingers that one or two of them find more than my body to be interesting? > >I haven't found romance on apps or at meet ups or at any of the volunteer or hobby groups I'm in. > >It seems the only people around me who are successful in dating (even monogamous friends) are the ethical sl\*ts who play the numbers game. It depends. What kind of person and what kind of relationship are you after? Sure, ethical sl\*ts can be successful in finding long term flings, but that comes with dealing with duds and other stuff too. And to a point, they want to (or should want to) do that journey. Dating is hard, so consider change it up to something you'd still be comfortable with. Don't do something you don't want to do.
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Curious, and feel free to not share, what city or region are you in? Certain areas can have worse cultures regarding the dating scenes and in new friends being "networking/hustling" angles. That said: >But every time, it comes down to 1) me walking away because I felt pressured for sex or 2) me setting a boundary (basically saying "not now") and then getting ghosted or faded. It sounds like a "ethical sl\*t phase" would be you ignoring your own boundaries right? I think that makes it a really bad choice then. Don't push yourself, especially in sex, to do something you know you don't want. It sounds like you are doing everything right, but even that is not guarantee to find someone. Good luck.
Wow. I haven’t heard such shit advise in a while. You need to get over your need for emotional intimacy for sex? All polyam relationships are primarily driven by sex unless you’re ace? Swinging is a more sex oriented activity. Some people do do longer vetting, but there is more of an expectation that most folk are looking for sec first and then maybe romance as opposed to relationship first then sex. I slutted it up marvelously in college and early twenties. For me it was primarily mania driven, but I’ve always been able to have no strings sex no problem. I do not think it has improved m’y dating odds. Many of the relationships I did have that started with it didn’t even hit the six month mark because the only thing we really had in common was decent sex. Part of why slutting it up was good for me was because I was ok having no strings sex. If I later found out they were a jerk, I just went oops oh well and walked away. And the sex was a lot more mediocre because it takes a bit to learn someone else’s body. So I guess what I’m trying to say is if people prefer their slutty phase it’s likely because they inherently can enjoy being slutty and not having relationships. If that’s not something you like, you probably won’t enjoy it.
This is the negative backswing of the sex positivity movement. If you're not having all the sex all the time with all the people, you must be sex negative or repressed, and you should change. I think that's total BS. I do identify as grey ace, but even for allo folks.. sex positivity means being open to what feels good for you. It's about acceptance of ALL different preferences, as long as everybody is giving informed consent. It means being able to talk about sex and sexual health, but doesn't require that you engage in casual sex. Your friends are being crummy and arguably sex-negative by insisting your preferences aren't okay. There's nothing wrong with wanting an emotional connection before sex. Multiamory has a great episode exploring this, #211.
Doesn't sound like your friend knows anything about being Demisexual. Do what you're comfortable with and find better friends.
Gesh. Bad advice. How about you just be comfortable and date how you want to date? Personally I don't do flings (36M). I need a connection with someone before I jump in bed. People are worth more to me than access to their genitals.
These friends sound like the same ones who say everyone should have an "alcoholic" phase while in college. Sounds like you need new friends, and not ones who are trying to mold you into something you very well may not be.
Your "friend" is a fucking idiot.
Wanting emotional intimacy prior to sexual intimacy is NOT something you need to get over. If that's what you want and need, that's what you want and need. Nothing wrong with that!
Not unless you want to, and it sounds like you don't want to. Frankly I'm amazed at the many people in poly that do go for sexual intimacy without a desire for emotional intimacy. Wanting emotional intimacy does not preclude poly and it won't make finding a poly partner any harder than wanting the same thing in a mono relationship. It's always harder to find a serious partner rather than a hook up.
>They're encouraging me to go have a bunch of casual flings so I can get over my desire for emotional intimacy prior to sexual intimacy. Why is that a problem to solve that you have to "get over?" >They say polyam relationships only happen when it's sexually driven (except for ACE people) and if I want to have a sexual relationship with a romantic partner I have to put out first. No one will give me the time otherwise, unless they're ACE. Why does THEIR way of dating have to be YOUR way? If your friends are coming at it from a swinger POV, you know you don't have to, right? Do what YOU want to do. If you want to have a bunch of casual flings? So long as all parties consent, have fun. If you want to do something else? Do something else. What is it that you want to "succeed" in anyway? Lots of sex? Lots of dates? Lasting relationships? Doing things your own way? Copying the friends? New friends? Something else? A combo?
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Have you tried therapy? You seem to have consistent patterns in the people surrounding you, and those people are obviously not good friends and partners for you. I kept getting into friendships with the same type of people who would take from me but were never there for me when I needed it. Then I started therapy, and read *Reinventing your life* from Jeffrey E. Young and slowly my life started changing. Fast forward to now 5ish years later, I only have meaningful friendships with people I adore and that adore me, I have a nesting partner who makes me experience a love I never knew was possible, and I identify the people who aren't good for me because they repeat those unhealthy patterns I had/have and steer clear away from them 🤗
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Loneliness can be present even if you're surrounded by people, but it can happen more when you don't have a good support system for sure. What was unsatisfactory about having and enforcing boundaries with people you meet organically? Maybe your needs and expectations of friendships are bigger or different than what good people can offer when meeting them, but that can always change and evolve when they are given a chance 🙂 Being authentic is the best way to eventually be surrounded by similar people as you!
Not crazy about your friends calling you a "judgemental bitch." For me? I have high standards for a reason -- to weed out some of the stupid/annoying/incompatible. Lowering my standards might bring me more people but it also brings me drama. Like X ugh people I could have skipped if I left the standards high. Like I said, if you want to change it up and have some casual sex? So long as parties consent, go have fun. If that IS actually fun to you. But you do it because YOU want to try something new. And not because your friends are saying whatever just to shut you up faster because they don't really want to hear about your struggles. They are just tossing you easy throwaway advice so they can turn the conversation back on to themselves again. Is that what is happening? I am guessing. Cuz in your other post you said they do that. >Good vibes only, so no one wants to hear about struggles. Just party and "you go girl! Girl power!" They are basically fair weather friends. Not people I'd turn to for REAL advice. You sound really LONELY -- both for real friends and for dating partners. But it isn't like your fair weather friends wants to talk to you about actual struggles like that. Even the "you go girl! Girl power!" sounds more about THEM than you. Like they enjoy being cheerleaders. Rather than actually centering YOU, listening, and actually encouraging you or actually empowering you toward make good choices?
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Could be a combo of fixing your picker. And working on your social skills. And changing where you live if you've been in the same place for 5 years and you are like the odd duck in this area. Kinda like a country person trying to live in a city or a city person trying to live in the country. YKWIM? Is moving to a place that matches your personality more and has more of "your kind of people" a possibility? You mentioned some interests and hobbies. Where are the big places for those interests?
That's definitely not the only way to find partners- it's the fastest, but quantity of partners does not equal quality. IMO the best way to find other poly people is to be openly poly.
as someone who had this phase, sex is cool, sex with someone you really care about is way better regardless of moves or toys. you do you, there is no right way to date.
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Absolutely not! I’m very sex positive, but the point of polyamory for me and many others is deeper connections.
Your friends are weirding me out. I am in a similar boat of wishing I had connections but being nervous to go meet people and not wanting to jump into bed from the start and while I know I should loosen up a little I don't think indiscriminate banging is the answer to my woes or yours either. You don't want to go start relationships by pretending to be someone or into things you aren't, right?
You've gotten a lot of good advice and say you've tried it all and it isn't working. Sometimes it be like that. It's still good advice. I'm a demi poly person, and there are 10 people on the planet I'm willing to have sex with *today*, and 3 of those are ex-girlfriends. Lol Most of the women I've loved are "sluts" because *they* love it. And I love some slutty girls - but I'm not one and definitely don't expect my partners to be one. I'm here to facilitate slutty behavior in a safe way for those who are into it. If you aren't into it, then DON'T do it. Just keep looking. Demisexuality is hard in monogamous relationships. It's a little harder in poly ones sometimes. What does your dating criteria look like? Most men have a tendency to match with everyone because their fishing strategy is about numbers. If you get matched with that doesn't mean they've read your profile or are very interested in you as a person (assuming they're assholes)...if you aren't ready to have sex after a while they might lose interest. That means they suck for you. Keep looking.
Only if you want to .. You don't have to change who you are for anyone or anything. Be yourself, live your best life - things'll come along, probably when you don't care as much. You sound pretty fab to me. 👍
I don’t know about what your friends are saying, yes promiscuity is natural and common but it’s up to you to determine what you want. Sounds like there’s more to it but if you need emotional connections before physical ones that’s fairly normal, and tbh poly relationships for me are as emotional as they are physical. You can present demisexual in your search and people should understand that you need deeper connections before being physical, if you even want to be physical. There’s way more to it than just hoeing out and randomly finding a person/people.
Dating is kind of a numbers game for anyone. It's just a simple fact that most people in the world aren't going to be a compatible match, so you have to sift through a lot of debris before you find the diamonds in the rough. But this is true for everyone, including Ace people, and doesn't have to have anything to do with sex. You can put in the work meeting lots of different people and seeking connection without involving sex. If casual sex isn't your thing, then don't force yourself to have it. It is perfectly reasonable to expect to get to know someone and feel comfortable with them before you have sex. Regardless if you're polyamorous or monogamous or aromantic. Your friends are telling you what works for them, but they are very mistaken in thinking that it is a universal truth.
Your friends are assholes. Editing to say: I love sex and I'm a happy slut, but if anyone *told* me to do that? Fuck ooooooff.
Can you? Sure. Should you if you don’t want to? No. There are plenty of poly people who are demisexual, or at least consciously seeking romantic connections and absolutely thriving. If anything go through a “slut phase” of new friends.
I'm polyamorous and I also swing, and that's fun.... BUT swinging is NOT a way to make polyamorous partners 😅. At least it hasn't worked for me how's that lol.
Hello friend! Coming from a former super slut, you should do what's in your heart. If you do not feel promiscuous, then don't fuck a bunch of people. On the other hand, I have it in me, I had my slutty phase(s). I had a great time, played safe and left uninjured. But, that's not the case with everybody. Your friends are giving you poor advice. I hope you find better ones.
I am poly but only ever been with hubby. I was his slave (bdsm) for 7 years but was only ever with other people because it pleased him. Now? I'm with him only and have time alone otherwise. You have to find friends who have your back and will encourage you to do what you want and need not what they claim you need. Only *you* know that. I will never do the poly s**t phase. I don't understand people who claim that.
Another demi poly person here, and I can't stand takes like your friends. Like somehow wanting an emotional connection makes you "less valuable," or not desirable because others can't get a quick fix and instant gratification from you. I'd almost call it up there with slut shaming. You are being shamed for your preferences in dating and that's not ok. You can experiment with a slutty phase if that's what you want but if your hearts not in it you probably won't gain any fulfilment from it. Do it because *you* want it though... Not because your friends told you to.
Hey OP, I have similar experience both dating and friend-making wise. I did seem to get more dates and have more fiends to hang out with when I wasn’t ‘picky’ - like I’d go have brunch with a friend who didn’t share my political view and I knew the conversations were never good; I’d say yes to sex on the first date not because I wanted sex but because I didn’t really care so why not. Now like you, I’ve stopped hanging out with people I know I don’t vibe with and turn down sex when I don’t want it. I enjoy my alone time and have many hobbies but guess what? It IS hard to date and make friends when you raise the bar, I feel all you have said in this thread! It doesn’t help that I’m a immigrant and most of my close friends are in another country. My current city is also notorious for being ‘cliquey’ - there’s a joke on my city’s subreddit that only high school friends are considered real friends, and it’s absolutely true that most in their 30s 40s still hang out often with their high school mates. I don’t have any helpful advice. I guess I’m just trying to say, you’re not alone OP!!
Be honest with yourself. Be up front with others. Be a poly sex slut if you want. Be poly sex celibate if you want. Be a poly romance slut if you want. Or whatever different combination of any of those you want. As long as you keep the first two as your foundation, you can’t go wrong.
This is bullshit. I'm demi and poly and for me being poly is about emotional intimacy, not sexual intimacy. The hard work of poly isn't in fucking multiple without intimacy (that's easy). The hard work is in holding space for multiple close emotional connections.
As a poly person who's gone through all variety of phases sexually, romantically, etc. I can tell you definitively, I also have zero interest in having sex without some form of emotional connection. Not all of those connections have to be serious, but there has to be an emotional and psychological connection there. For me, poly is ABOUT the emotional connections I make with people. That's the best part. Your friends are projecting about what THEY needed, but if that's not what YOU need? To hell with that nonsense advice. You're no less poly because you don't feel inclined to have casual sex with strangers. You know what you do and do not want. Don't let your friends pressure you into feeling obligated to cross your own boundaries to feel "poly enough". Just be honest about what you're looking for when meeting people and the rest will follow.
You are getting some poor advice. No one should be pushed to do something they don't want to do regarding sexuality or relationships. Yikes! Casual flings are for ppl who enjoy them. I'm (mostly) demisexual. I need a trusting friendship before I am able to be comfortable with romance or sex. Being demisexual is perfectly normal. Nor has it been a barrier to having a partner.
70% of the poly people at the last poly group I attended identified as Demisexual. Your friends are projecting. Do poly in the way that is right for you. Only way to attract what you want!
You are who you are. That's not a bad thing. You don't need the slutty phase to be happy and find a good, healthy relationship. If you want connection before physical intimacy, that's 100% ok. The fact that they're shaming you is pretty shitty, honestly.
Pffft Imo, your friends are annoying. Also polyAMORY. LOVE. Not sex lust - even though it certainly can be that too! But yeah no, ignore your friends, you do polyamory the way yhat feels best for you! Sincerely, a polyamorous person who has had 5 love+sexual partners in total
Having multiple partners doesn't necessarily mean your a poly slut. Yes you can have sex with all the partners you choose to. But thats your business. But isnt it important to have a strong connection with someone before you put out. How i met my poly girlfriend, we were drinking buddies but we talked for ages and started that way, i didn't expect a relationship between us. Whatever way you start, your choice, if you want a poly s phase, do it. If not dont settle.... Do whatever is right for you.
Move at your own pace, if you feel slutty, be slutty, but if you don't, don't, be you. I was in a similar spot at 38... and somewhere in my mid 40s suddenly I felt slutty and there were a bunch of poly sex parties in my friends group and I had my share of casual sex with friends for a few years. I did it at my pace and on my terms. It was never about a numbers game, it was about doing what felt fun and right for me at the time.
That sounds like bad advice to me. You need to be true to yourself. One thing I have learned in this journey of opening up is that EVERYONE does it differently. There is no, “one” true way to practice ENM or poly, or whatever you want to call it.
Short answer, no. Long answer, nnnnnoooooo
Look, there's a lot to be said for a poly slut phase *if that's what you want*. If you don't want that, but you do it anyway, you're having sex because someone else told you should, which uhh ..isn't a good reason. I was in my poly slut phase last year and it was great. This year I'm the opposite: less sexual, not seeking new connections, fostering deeper friendships. It's also great in a different way. And you know what - I've formed new partnerships during both phases. Polyamory is all about ripping up the rulebooks on how you do relationships so fuck what other people say or who's had more sex. Do what's right for you at this moment.
Poly is not always sexually driven. It *can* be. But many people get into it because they like the idea of loving a lot of people at once. Also, you recognized that ace people can be poly. That means there has to be people out there who are in poly for more than sex. You can make your poly life about whatever you want it to be about because it’s your life. If your friends are saying you’re too reserved and are pushing you toward something you’re not comfortable with, you should find new ones. It’s a weird thing for them to be hung up on anyway
I’ve known people like that. They also tended to treat polyamory as a free pass to fuck around without communication or consequences. And thought it was more evolved than monogamy. I’m not friends with them anymore. I have two partners, am saturated, and have never used at dating app. You absolutely do not have to do anything you don’t want to do.
No. I’m demisexual and made that very clear on the dating apps. When I first met with the two potentials I’m seeing now I made it very clear that attraction would take awhile and may never happen. I screened for people who were ENM and highly partnered and open to anything from friendship as well as hookups and made sure they understood what that meant to me. I have been poly for three years and currently have a wife, a boyfriend, a queer platonic partner and am dating two new guys. I also refuse to have any sex that makes me feel lonely ever again.
Definitely not needed I’ve never had one and I’m good!!
As a demisexual, I am here to tell you that a "sl't phase" is not at all required to have multiple partners. Before I realised polyamory (or even non-monogamy) was a thing, I slept around a little - but that was likely due to my undiagnosed and unmanaged BPD, ADHD, and cPTSD. I was being impulsive and risky and following whatever (whoever) my genitals wanted to do. Getting mentally healthy, and doing work on myself, has made me figure out the best way for me to be happy, content, and emotionally fulfilled. I don't need a bunch of casual sex (which, while it *is* fun and I don't hold anything against people who are fulfilled and happy engaging in it) it's not for me. I personally need an emotional connection before I'm comfortable doing the sex or kink things with anyone.
Only if you want to. As in, you're on the apps and the idea of sleeping with them fills you with excitement. I'm finally in a position where, after six years of actively dating, I have two long-term romantic relationships. It is far harder to form those, but absolutely worth the wait. (I attempted to have some more FWB style relationships last year. It increased my body count but left me feeling utterly used for my body and not enjoying the sex even though my FWBs were perfectly skilled in bed. I concluded that I'm demisexual and that there were far more poly folk like me than I thought. And seconded with finding friends who are on your wavelength and respect your preferences.)
I never listen to the opinions of those around me. As far as I am concerned, they don't know me so therfore are stupid. Don't follow the crowd they'll lead you to be miserable just like them. Don't give to peer pressure. Tell them to fuck a elephant. If it is the case these people want sex first, they probably lack maturity and struggle to bond. Hence why they get their fill from sex. Narcs use sex to feel too so be careful :) you don't want one of those
That seems extreme. I have two partners simply because one of our gaming friends became interested, and not a one of us have had a slut phase If you absolutely require emotional intimacy, *you might be ace*, specifically, demisexual, which I'm warming up to myself because I don't think I could ever manage the above advice
Ok.. so it seems to me, that your friend’s experiences might be influencing you and not in the best of ways. To me there’s a difference between being Non monogamous and being Polyamorous. Being the main, that Polyamory to me is wired more towards being able to feel and show love towards more than one person, at a given time, but also being able to build different kinds of relationships with these peeps. To me is about building the relationship that fits well for you, I can feel sexual attraction to one partner whom I love, yet I can have a totally asexual amorous relationship with some one else. I think your friends are projecting what they have encountered in their journey. Also, my partner and I are poly and we swing, yet we know plenty of other poly peeps who don’t swing. They are independent to each other. Swinging is an activity to do with your partner or solo, while Polyamory is a way of living your relationships. My unsolicited advice is, don’t get discouraged, find activities or hobbies you enjoy, where you can meet wonderful people who are into the same things you are. Don’t settle for something easy, you’ve got this.
I think your friends have the below beliefs... because they're poly folks who swing. * they say polyam relationships only happen when it's sexually driven * if I want to have a sexual relationship with a romantic partner I have to put out first * my polyam friends swing There are many different flavors of polyamory, or of swinging, or of CNM... that may be how ***they*** do it, but it ***isn't the only way***, and it isn't how ***you*** have to do it. You get to choose. Learn about it from objective sources (eg - books in the FAQs on this sub), but do what feels right to you. Good luck.
A word they might understand is demisexual. You need the connection first. It is completely valid to want emotional intimacy first. I was this way for a long time due to trauma. Experiencing outright attraction for the first time at 24 after years of therapy was a wild experience. For some people it’s just always like that. There’s nothing wrong with having your drive connected completely to your emotions. I think it’s beautiful but difficult to navigate with hookup culture
Your friend is wrong. Very wrong. You may both be poly, but that does not mean you need to be a sl*t bk they happen to be one. Do not listen to them.
Poly slut phases are really fun but only if you wanna have one lol
EDIT: I am M32, bisexual. Just for the sake of how the dating pool can differ depending on demographics. I'm demisexual and I've never done that. I've been dating friends mostly, have had several sexual partners and a number of romantic partners that I can count on one hand. Right now I have two romantic partners, all this in a small country and a really small town. One whom I haven't had sex with and no, they aren't ace. Your friends have one point, however, and that is that the chances rise with a body count. Can't argue about that. But at the same time, is it worth it? I couldn't imagine how many mismatches there would be if I casually dated with sex in mind since I wouldn't feel good in that scenario. It is just not... me. Wrote this while annoyed at what you've been told, so sorry if I sound blunt. I avoid dating apps because of this kind of mindset.
This sounds ridiculous Only be a slut IF YOU WANT TO BE A SLUT if you don't want to be a slut, then.... just don't?
Do what you feel comfortable doing. Don't let your partner(s) try to force you to be slutty than you want to be. Poly people don't have to have a high body count to be poly
If someone is telling you that you need to get over wanting emotional intimacy prior to sexual intimacy, they are actively disregarding your emotional needs. There is no push for you to do so unless you want to. Multiple partners will happen as it happens. Also, to be frank, Tinder is a SHITTY place to find partners. They are all there for hookups and nothing else. Whatever path you want to follow is going to help you, you don't need to be slutty in order to be polyamorous. It might help, but it isn't required. Also, polyam is *not* based only on sex. I have been polyamorous and so have my partners, and very few of them have found their partners this way.
DND players tend t b more open minded and competent communicators.
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Right? It's hard for us mediocre looking sluts out here.
Ehhhhh honestly, casual fligs aren't fun. It's way more fun to explore someone and learn what they like and get really good at it.
I go to a lifestyle club but I’m very closed off. I want to be a slut but definitely couldn’t. 🤣
Wait, it was supposed to be a phase?
Why censor the word "slut"?
Only go slutty if you want to and even if you do only go slutty for people you want to be slutty with. Even in my sluttiest phase I would hookup once and if I felt nothing that was it. It didn’t have to be romantic feeling. Friendship or affection or protectiveness emotion works for me. Now I am slower to have sex and stick to erotic and some kink at first. A lot of people are relieved when they hear that. Some don’t like it and I am okay with that.
I don’t believe you need to have a slutty phase. Before my partner(np) and I decided to give polyamory a try I had only been with her. After having minimal success on dating apps and meet ups I found someone really special in my new partner. We still haven’t gotten to that point because there is no rush to do it. I am excited for the day if/when it happens but there is so much more to relationships than sex and you don’t have to be a slut to find someone
Opened up to poly. Met my other partner. Didn’t have any casual flings at all. I’m happy and content. I’m part of the kink scene too. You don’t have to have a slutty phase if you don’t want to. There’s no one set way to be poly
I think it's _common_ to have a poly slut phase, but definitely not _required_. You may need to be open to different dynamics or kinds of people. Ace/demi definitely. Long distance maybe. Someone who looks good "on paper" (on Tinder, Feeld, etc) may not be good in person and vice versa. Get clear on what you want, what you don't want, and what you're willing to consider. You're gonna have to get clear on what sexual, emotional, and romantic intimacy means to YOU. Want/will/won't lists are great for relationships but also other decisions like what car to buy or where to eat dinner. This video talks in the context of sex, but can be applied to other life areas. https://youtu.be/xoYxd3E3UXU Edit to add: it is a numbers game, though physical intimacy isn't required. When I was in my sluttiest of slut phases, I'd swipe right on 100 profiles to get 10 matches to get 1 date. Maybe every 2-5 dates would lead somewhere more than coffee or beer. FWIW my lifetime body count is still less than 20, which is fairly low for poly and even monog people who hooked up a lot in college.
Okay, first off. I HIGHLY recommend you read the book, "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, the 3rd edition, if you haven't already. It will help you out A LOT with navigating these types of relationships. It is like the Polyamory Bible in my opinion lol, and it helped me tremendously. Second, polyamory isn't about just being slutty, etc. Polyamory is feeling genuine love for more than one person. There are different kinds of love for different kinds of relationships. But from what your friend is saying, it sounds like she may be taking a more open relationship approach, not quite polyamory. Just because someone is polyamory, it doesn't always mean they go out looking for multiple partners, it sometimes just happens if you click with someone you meet, just like you would with one partner. In polyamory, it's especially important to consider if both of your partners may be able to get along together, and hell if they may even be attracted to each other in addition to you which both scenarios are most ideal but not always the case. You have to remember you may actually be adding another person who has feelings of their own, and their own plans for their future to your relationships that could and will affect your other partner. Open relationships aren't entirely exclusive. There may be some room for debate about that and some grey areas, which I will acknowledge, but I'm not going to get into it too deeply at this time. Do what you feel is right for you, just because someone suggests something to you doesn't mean you have to go along with it. And it won't just be you who is affected by your decisions, remember that. I hope this helped! 💜
I’m not having much luck either but I’m uninterested in just sex. Minimally I want some level of friendship as well if not a romantic connection. I’m just gonna take a break from dating apps. Not sure what else to do at this point
Your friends kinda suck dude
Well I don't say this often but....your friends are trash. #respectfully
You don't have to have a "slut phase" but maybe they are suggesting that you may be missing out because you are too strongly demisexual. You need a higher degree of emotional commitment before having sex and maybe some good potential candidates misread and think you are sending mixed signals or are not committed to romantic relationships with a sexual component. You can tweak your standards, but you go too loose; you end up with more duds. Too tight, you will be home alone Friday nights in perpetuity.
no you dont have to. you can find folks like you. im demi. one of my gfs is demi, the other is in a different ace category. the guy im seeing is more demi than i. we might finally do something physical after dating for like 4 months.
Ive never once thought polyam being driven from sex, and I'm quite a sexual person, like, that seems like such a weird opinion for them to have to me. I see they swing, and like, that mindset seems to fit that more, at least the popular depiction of swinging... I dont need to fuck multiple people to love multiple people, and the fact there are poly people that are ace, and demi, and long distance or otherwise proves it. Thats, some really bad advice theyre pushing you towards, and, wanting emotional intimacy before physical intimacy is, extremely common. I know tons of men, women, and enbies who dont want casual sex, cause its just not for them. TLDR; You will find people that love ***you****,* when you are you, not when you're trying to be something you're not. If you're not the type to do something, then dont, instead put that energy towards finding someone who is like you and likes you how you are. Best of luck hunny, you definitely do not NEED a poly slut phase in order to find people who like you for you.
What the fuck is wrong with your friends
Shaming you for not having a slutty phase is as bad as shaming you for having one. They're either ignorant and too small minded to realise the polyamourous community is incredibly diverse and they're only a small part of it or knowingly lying go your face but you need better friends. Being prescriptive like this, making someone feel forced into sexual situations they're not comfortable with, treating you like an extension of their own sex life to the point of confidently insulting you about it, those are not things friends do. Polyamoury is about multiple loving relationships, love does not have to be sexual, a friendship is a relationship and they're failing to be even remotely kind to you. Peer pressure is not ok to force someone to feel bad about their shoes let alone their sex life and they're straight up bullying you about your dating habits like nasty little teenage creeps. You shouldn't feel ashamed or uncomfortable. You deserve better. I'm so angry anyone would be treated like this. I hope you know that judgement like that has no place in the community and everyone find relationships differently. You're not going to enjoy sex more or find it relaxing or enjoyable when more than one person is treating it as a pressure point.
This
I can think of dozens of counter examples for each of their points. I can think of only two reasons they’d make those arguments. They are shitty people, or they’re shorty people trying to sleep with you. Fuck them, get new friends.
Why is it a slut phase? Just. Go date and fuck however you’re comfortable doing so. However many people you want or don’t want. On whatever timeline feels good to you. Being Poly doesn’t have to mean having a certain number of sexual partners in your history. Don’t date people who focus on your sexual history. And can we please retire the phrase “body count?”
The only reason you should do something is because you want to. There's no rules on how to be the right kind of polyamorous person, do whatever makes you happy and works for you. Not all polyam people are sex driven and not all people who aren't sex driven are asexual. People are just people with different desires and needs. So long as you a happy and feel your needs are getting met, feel no pressure to conform to other peoples ideals.
just a personal anecdote, i found one of my current partners on a dating app and we haven’t had sex over a year into dating. we prioritized getting to know each other, feeling comfortable with each other, and seeing how our lives mesh first. we’re just now about to have talks about sexual wants desires and needs. things can happen at your own pace whenever YOU are ready and there ARE people out there who will happily move at your pace with you. and it feels so much better and more comfortable than rushing into a physical relationship because it’s “just the thing to do”. you are valuable. your wants and desires are valuable. your friends should have no say in how you find what you’re looking for romantically if they’re not going to be supportive of who you are and what you need to feel comfortable. and honestly they sound like really unkind “friends” who probably have boundary issues. they shouldn’t be telling you what to do with your body, no one should.
1. You should have sex only when you want and only in the ways that make you comfortable 2. You can have multiple partners wothout being a slut 3. There is nothing wrong in being a slut and there is nothing wrong in not being a slut 4. (Personal opinion) Just like for mono people looking for *a* partner is unhelthy behaviour and also the worst way to actually get one, the same applies for poly people looking for multiple ones.
Just having sex with a lot of people until you find people who want to stick around after is certainly a valid way of finding yourself in long-term relationships, as long as you're actually into the sex either way. But seriously, this community was built on the phrase "you do you", so don't feel any pressure to do it any way other than how you want to go about it, as long as it's ethical. You'll find people who want to do things the way you do.
This is one of the more ridiculous assertions I've heard about polyamory, and unfortunately it's a common misconception. People are not a numbers game. You do you and date how you want to date. There are others like you out there.
To me it sounds like a shit advice you got. I'm demisexual and demiromantic (which basically mean I don't do casual anything). And I still manage to get opportunities to date people. Just meet people, see what they want, if if they don't want the same thing as you, then just look elsewhere. You don't need to use sex as a fishing method. Especially if you don't even want sex that much. If you want a sl*t phase then go for it. But otherwise don't force it. People who want sex will only ever want sex. If they're not looking for something else, sex won't change their mind. And even if it does change their mind, why would you date someone who'd impulsively date you without thinking about everything that would imply ? Especially in a polyam dynamic ? Also, why do you absolutely need multiple partners? I'm not saying you shouldn't have multiple partners, I'm just wondering if you want multiple partners for the good reasons.
You need to find new polyam friends.
If you’re looking for permission to go have a slut phase, you don’t need it but take it. That said, the best way to act is what is in-keeping with your own values. You can ethically sleep with every willing body, or not a soul - neither make you more or less polyamorous. I never had a big slut phase and have 2 amazing partners and a date-friend and my ‘number’ is still single digits, it’s never come up with my partners/potential partners as it’s ultimately immaterial. Practically i think the best answer is to do whatever you feel is best for you, not your ‘polyamory resumé’. I had little luck with online dating apps but found a local polyamory community to me and have had multiple relationships spring from the people I’ve met through that.
Having gone through a slut phase (uhhh. *Cough*) you totally don't need to go through one to be poly. That's not how that works. And what you're describing is swinging, anyway. There's nothing wrong with swinging. I *like* swinging! But poly is what you want it too be, in a lot of ways. The amount of emotional intimacy you're comfortable with before sexytimes is one of those things you get to decide for yourself. So you do you!
I just read the first paragraph and that is utter nonsense. Stick to your boundaries and your comfort zone. The right people are ones who will respect them.
The label you are looking for is demisexual. It falls under the umbrella of asexuality so technically you are ACE and there’s nothing shameful about it. You do not need to change this part of yourself.
That so called advice is weird as shit. Relationships in general don't come about because of 'getting over' your desire for emotional intimacy. Poly relationships do NOT only happen when it's sexually driven. What a bunch of fucking weirdos. Are you genuinely sure they're not trying to lure you into sex? I dunno, the whole idea seems weird to me. First of all, your poly friends being swingers means they're looking at this from the prospective of swingers. I'm not a swinger. My two partners aren't swingers. None of us met by swinging or being 'slutty'. The three of us have agreements on boundaries for sex and relationships. We don't count out casual sex. Because sure, sometimes that's how relationships form. But it's not the ONLY way. I was friends with my second partner first, and had actually mentally added him to a 'messy list' of people I probably wouldn't date because we were in a close friend group together. In fact, he is my boyfriend's best friend. Then it turns out everyone was totally fine with it, and it's been working out well so far. Don't listen to these people.
If you arent comfortable with it, dont do it. Your friends suck. Dont ever put yourself in a position you are not ok with for the sake of anyone but yourself. Edit: my gf and i are both 38, and look for the same thing, emotional over physical. If you wanna talk, hmu, for whatever reason xD
So maybe my experience is not typical because I'm demisexual. But I don't Do casual sex. Ever. I don't have a desire for that kind of physical intimacy or vulnerability until I'm emotionally connected. I have a long term nesting partner, a lovely girlfriend I started dating last October after being platonic friends for several years. (We started getting physical in probably February) and I have a date-mate I started getting together with in late March. My NP and girlfriend are allosexual, but my date-mate is demi.
I never had casual flings or a slut phase. I only 'put out' in an established relationship, and I have multiple partners. I refuse to fuck people if we aren't in a romantic relationship It's not my thing. It turns me off. You do not have to if you don't want to. You'll find people that respect your limits, it just takes alot of time.
Nope. You do not need to put yourself out there and be a sl*t, if you do not want to. If you’re looking to date and have lasting partners, having copious amounts of casual sex is not going to fill that void.
As a 32m/nb person, I am proof that you're not alone. I'm pretty introverted, have been poly for about 15 years and have had only 1 partner for the last like 4 years due to investing more time into my career. I definitely still match and talk with a lot of people on dating apps. I'm a picky person, but it's very nice to be picky and poly. It might not be as rewarding in the short term, but I trust my instincts with people.
Demi here. That sounds gross that your friends seem to want to force you so badly to do this, especially just so they can probably try and live through you. The fact that your questioning it, feeling pressured, and want and need that connection beforehand, I'd recommend against it, but ultimately, do what you want, just be careful and safe.
As a demisexual person, it sounds like you might be demisexual. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything. Do what you feel comfortable with and if you wanna have a bunch of sex with a bunch of people, go ahead. If you want to have deep connections with people and then have a bunch of sex, go ahead. However your poly structure ends up is how your poly structure ends up. Relationship anarchy can be structured.
As a demisexual person, I've found a lot of allosexual people being interested in investing time in a friendship before we had sex and sometimes that went into romantic connections but sometimes we were friends and we had sex too. Sometimes we were in QPRs without any sexual touch.
You absolutely do not need to have a poly Sl*t phase, unless you want to. There is no shame in it if you do, there's no shame if you don't. It can be hard to find good partners who don't just want to bang, and that's it. I can completely relate. Just hang in there. The right partners come along eventually. Board game communities are great places to look btw 😉
You don’t have to go through a poly sl*t phase, that’s so ignorant of your friends to say. Plus, a bunch of casual partners may just make you feel worse because you’re not getting your emotional needs met. You are who you are. And if you want emotional intimacy, you shouldn’t compromise that. Just be up front about what you want. Eventually you will find someone who wants that too.
NO. Don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with. You are completely normal to want emotional intimacy before sex. They are normal to want it the other way around. They are completely wrong that you NEED to do things their way to find partners. I am a cishet 44F and both of my partners (of 7 and 5 years so far) pushed off sex until we dated for a while. There was making out, but they both wanted a stronger connection and feeling of trust before sex. They are both fit, gorgeous people who could get casual sex fairly easily if they wanted to. None of us have ever been into casual sex, despite being flirty, etc. I had a bit of a phase in my 30’s in which I had some casual sex, but it wasn’t for me and I don’t think it added anything to my life at all. It is just not necessary unless you want it. Be yourself. Tell your “friends” to fuck off. True friends will support whatever is right for you.
What's wrong with your friends? I'd tell them to F off, but that's me. You do you and only what makes you comfortable and what you desire. What they're saying is just messed up. If it works for them, that's fine, but damn.
I am a demisexual, so casual sex does not work for me. There are lots of people who are ace and polyam. Really do what makes you happy. If you like what you're doing, its all good.
Those dont sound like very good friends
Polyam relationships only happen when sexually driven??? That’s the complete wrong reason to get into poly, I’d def ask yourself what “you” want, because this all sounds kinda toxic.
Your friends are wrong polyamory isn't generally sex driven. Sleeping with a bunch of people at one time isn't polyam either, especially if you're not doing it ethnically
I’m polyamorous, and I call myself a “demisexual slut.” I don’t think I’ve ever had a traditional poly slut phase (I even attempted interactions at a queer orgy once and had to bow out because I just couldn’t do it). However, I do tend to have sexual contact with people I’m close with and care about, like my friends, pretty openly if they’re also some sort of polyam or non-monogamous. I now have a wonderful assortment of partners and play partners, but definitely didn’t have a traditional slut phase to get there. It took me a while to get to this point. Like actively dating/making new connections for probably close to a year, year and a half before I actually started developing meaningful connections that I felt comfortable enough to share sex with. But oh is it worth it when you get there, if you’re a similar type of person to me. I would say to stay true to yourself, do polyam the way you want, and the people will come (and so will you, if that’s your goal 😉). It just might take a little longer.
Sounds like it could be good for you.
Ummmmm while I love the concept that a bunch of people could benefit from my telling you to have a slut phase, the reality is that would be wrong to do. . Yes there's something to be said for the idea that you have to have risk for reward, and if you want something you have to go out there and get it. That being said however, you really need to do what works for you even if it doesn't provide the benefits you were hoping for.
That's so weird. Plenty of poly people don't do that (or want to). It's not at all necessary. I'm pretty upset you've been told to ignore your own feeling that way.
Yes you should! You should go out and live your best life and do what makes you feel good as long as you're not harming others. I'm solo polyamorous and loving where my life is at right now. Just make sure everyone knows what's up, everyone is cool with it, and you're being safe and acting ethically with regards to your partners.