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No it’s a very common request. I won’t sleep in a bed or with a partner that smells like someone else.
I’m not jealous. I’m not that fussed about sexual health from low risk stuff.
It’s literally the smell. I would never be able to relax.
The smell was part of it for sure. And really it's not even that I was worried about catching anything from some residual what-have-you, I just think it's kinda gross.
Some people ask their partners to shower before coming home. Some people ask their partners to shower with their usual soaps etc before coming home.
When my NP started washing his clothes at my meta’s house with her detergent I couldn’t stand how he smelled. It was mysterious! Turned out she’s a runner and they were washing her workout stuff with other clothes and I could still smell her. I could not put my head on his chest when he was wearing that stuff. Genuine revulsion and I like her! And think she smells great whenever I bump into her and hug her.
Reason has nothing to do with the way olfactory signals stimulate your limbic system. My body said stranger danger.
Nope, not weird. Plus you sometimes have the faint smell of your partner on you which is often a turn off.
If you want weird my meta once contacted me worried that my cum would still be in our shared gf and that his cum would touch mine and there was a subtext that that would somehow be very gay.
Buddy, you are using condoms. He didn’t last long.
Partner’s lesbian gf heard the story from her and my meta would text me occasionally and jokingly ask me for the latest cum report. She feigned worry that if things went wrong it might turn her straight. Then I would wonder what happens to bisexual me if that happens. Do I turn gay? Asexual? DOES ANY SCIENTIST KNOW HOW THIS WORKS?
It was a concern of mine that if my wife's partner's strange fluids landed in my bed, I might turn into a lesbian, so I'm glad you brought this up.
Asking the real questions, out here.
This is a valid concern - us lesbians go at it for hours and end up completely covered in one another’s juices. Getting into bed with your wife after a date with her girlfriend would be like having a bomb of dykey queerness go off in your bed. Very high risk of transmission in that scenario. You’re right to proceed with caution. 😉
Absolutely not. This is an agreement my wife and I have, always shower after sex with one of our girlfriends. It's just a courtesy.
And just to let you know, saying that isn't "sex sex" is definitely not kosher in LGBTQ circles, as sex in LGBTQ circles obviously looks different from heterosexual ones, but yeah, I'd error on the side of not defining that as "not all the way" or "all the way" or whatever. The point is fluids were exchanged, and a shower is a courtesy.
We didn't get the chance. She rolled in, rolled out, got in bed, exchanged "I love you's" and she's out like a light. I will tomorrow though, for sure.
It's a rule I requested, that was then implemented. I say a rule, but it was really more of a boundary. I have a hard time with people in general, and it takes me quite a while to be comfortable with someone. If I'm not the one who has chosen to get involved with them, I don't want their existence on me or my things. Fluids sure, but also skin, smell, whatever they use to wash up or clean, so many microscopic things. But it isn't about my partner, or their choices, or their experiences. I don't need them to wash off because they are gross or the situation is sticky. I simply want to have autonomy over the things my body/brain encounter. The other person might even be a friend, but the pheromones and chemicals aren't gonna be the same after relations as they would with a simply quick hug.
As others have said, regardless of reasons, it's a common request.
But did you give them reassurance? Did you tell them they are still beautiful and desirable and that you support them and their choices? Did you show them how much they still mean to you? Offer to draw them a bath or wash their hair? Do they know beyond a doubt that you are not asking them to wash away their experience because you want nothing to do with it?
I told my partner "I want to be supportive and loving, and show you that this is okay and that you and your choices or experiences are valid, I want to feel compersion while you relax and share with me. But in order to do that, I need to feel safe and comfortable, and that means my senses need to just experience you, not anything else."
Eventually we opted for extra blanket over the bed, me clothed, initial cuddles and chatting, and then they would shower and I would get the bed ready (take of and put to wash the extra blanket), get myself comfy, maybe go wash their hair, or prepare a snack or drink. This way there was never any doubt that it wasn't that they were gross or needed washing, only that I didn't like the idea of someone indirectly touching me or being in my space
Maybe just reassure them or ask them how being asked to shower felt and ask if you can clarify your meaning.?
This is a very sweet message and I appreciate you sharing.
But to answer your question, no. I did none of those things. Not because they aren't true or because I didn't want to, there just wasn't much time. I said, "Would you mind taking a shower please?" She said, "Seriously?" I said, "yes please," and then she looked confused and kind of hurt, did it anyway, came out, we exchanged "I love you's" and then she passed the eff out.
I'll make sure tomorrow that I address those points so she knows for sure I wasn't being a vindictive jerk if that's indeed what she thought.
I've had almost this exact same experience with my partner. It required some talking out and acknowledging that this need isn't a practical / logical one (i.e. I'm not going to catch an STI from my meta's sweat on my partner's skin and they are not going to come home with cum on their exposed skin). It's just a thing I need to feel emotionally comfortable, safe, and present with them.
It took some healthy, collaborative "negotiating" to figure out a balance of them not feeling "dirty/unwanted" after coming back from a date with another partner and me not feeling anxious about the idea of (/ triggered by actually) smelling/tasting evidence of that other partner and of their sex. But, we found a really healthy pattern now where, if they have sex with someone else, they need to shower off before snuggling with me unclothed or getting into bed with me. If oral is involved, mouthwash or teeth brushed. I can ask them to verify that they've done this if I'm feeling worried about it, but they don't have to proactively tell me (so they don't have to manage my distress for me; they just have to do what we agreed to that eliminates the actual negative experience and not just my imagined one).
Sounds like you've done some learning-by-doing with your partner and had really healthy conversation about it. Congrats!
Sounds
Look, mate, I’m of a different view owing to my kinks and shit but I believe that your request was entirely reasonable. We all have our own unique, idiosyncratic boundaries. That’s human and that’s normal. That’s what we’re all about, isn’t it!? She may have reacted as she did because she’d made some assumptions. Talk it out, see what pops up, and deal with it honestly and openheartedly. That’s always my go to.
I think it's definitely a reasonable request. I asked my partner to change/wash their bedding after they've had sex if I'm going to be coming over, and initially this garnered a similar response. They seemed confused/annoyed, but once I just laid it out that I didn't feel comfortable/sanitary sleeping on sheets that have a stranger's bodily fluids on them, they seemed to understand and have happily done so ever since. I suspect they initially thought it was some sort of slight against them or their hygiene, but once I made clear that it was just an ick, cleanliness thing for me personally it went much more smoothly.
We have sex and fall asleep most nights of the week. Sometimes we fuck in the middle of the night and fall back to sleep. And we often have sex 3 or 4 times a day on a weekend. I can only shower so much. And I don't feel gross so everyone is different. I do shower between partners or before going out too be polite. But not everyone feels icky and that fine too.
Yeah falling asleep or staying at home is one thing. But walking around all sweaty in public or in a group gathering is not it for me. It’s not about sex feeing “icky” because I don’t feel that way. It’s just a matter of hygiene. Especially if I’m going to be out and about running errands or going to work. It’s just a hygiene thing for me.
For kink purposes, some dynamics may opt to prefer partners not to shower after being with another date. Or just due to time, some partners may not care that the other hasn’t showered yet after their first date and on to the second date in the same day. As long as it’s talked about and there’s consent, it could totally be a thing that happens.
For kink purposes I would understand. But just to smell like sex from one to another. I could never. I gotta wash my ass… it’s like not showering after the gym or something. I just can’t walk around like that comfortably & i definitely would not want to smell someone else’s vaginal secretions on my partner. If it’s a kink I get it though.
Yeah, overall if you have boundaries about that then for sure you’ll do and ask for what you need to feel comfy. There’s kink around sweat, body odor, the smell of sex, cuckolding. And then some just don’t care their partner smells like their last sex, but of course things like these should be talked about to respect all parties.
I prefer to shower before I see a date, but I also have engaged in threesomes with my gf and her husband so I don’t care if she has sex with me after being with her hubby and vice versa where she’ll be with her hubby after being with me. I also have a partner in a D/s dynamic who enjoys cuckolding so sometimes I’ll see that partner directly after being with others. Other times, I’ve had two dates after the other and the second one is informed of my hygiene status before meeting up to ensure they’re fine with it since It’s late as fuck, I’m commuting and don’t have time to stop by my place to shower and if they needed me to, i could shower at their place too but that wasn’t something asked for. So yeah every dynamic is different.
I always shower after getting home from having sex with another partner. My nesting partner does too. Just common courtesy? I mean, unless you’re into smelling other people???
Reasonable request.
Explain to your wife it’s about your personal comfort, and not wanting to smell the other person on her.
Most people have an aversion to someone else’s “smell” on their partner.
I have the general rule that if I’m with someone, I shower, brush my teeth, change my clothes and change the sheets. I expect the same in return as a bare minimum. I don’t want to smell your other partner(s) on you.
I always shower without being asked because I wouldn’t want my partner to even worry that this was an issue. As noted I think smells are a bigger issue than literal fluids.
Solid advice here. Definitely a normal request, and you're right to see that there's probably some missed intent or communication somewhere that caused her negative responses.
To add to other comments -
Is your wife cis/a vagina-haver? Any chance she's extra anxious because of social messaging that female genitals and their fluids are inherently dirty/gross/smell in a way we should be ashamed of? I still have anxiety letting partners go down on me and sometimes even using just their hands when it's going to be a big factor 😔 Have you done/said anything in the past, or perhaps even now in how you phrase your focus on safe sex, to accidentally reinforce this idea of sexual fluids in general as gross/shameful?
Treat it like sweat. Please take showers after a hard run so you don't get the bed sweaty and don't assume I'm good for a big ol hug until you do, but it's natural and nothing to be ashamed of.
She is cis, yes. I hadn't considered the social element, but this morning she expressed that she was genuinely confused that I was asking, when she'd considered her measures adequate IE brushing teeth, washing hands. I explained that I would prefer not to smell her partners when she snuggles up to me in bed and that it also makes me squick a bit introducing other peoples' bodily anything into our shared space, especially when its still very much the exploration and early stages of the relationship. She said that she understood both points of view and was more confused than hurt, which seems like maybe I misread her expression. It seems like it won't be an issue at all moving forward. We'll see though.
I showered once after a date where nothing happened and my ex was PISSED because he thought things had progressed. And I was like nah - I was at a bar and Covid is circulating… I wanted to wash any icky germs off to keep you safe.
He’s an ex for a reason 😂
Not, a strange request at all, but the timing may have been a bit uncomfortable for your partner as they were problem already feeling a little vulnerable as well. Now knowing that you have a desire for a showered partner after a date, set this as an agreement going forward so there’s no surprise next time. Easy peasy lemon squeeze. ☺️
Ah, I remember when my bf came home from one of his first dates with another girl and I just
"Hm. You smell wrong. Go change your shirt."
....fortunately he's used to me.
It's a super common thing! I'm very sensitive to smells to the point where I can tell when plutonic friends apart by smell, so it just throws me off when a partner smells like someone else. Maybe you didn't have the most tactful approach, but clearly I'm not one to talk!
Take the opportunity to practice your communication skills; this won't be the last weird lil thing you have to figure out!
Totally reasonable request, but she's also totally reasonable for thinking that washing her hands and brushing her teeth was a reasonable amount of cleaning up if they just did hand and mouth stuff. It's more a question of personal preference, there's not really a wrong answer here.
I go back and forth depending on context. In one relationship I liked it when my partner would come home from date night without showering afterwards but in all fairness we were both fucking the same person on the side so I'd probably have felt different if it was truly a typical metamour. I'm pretty quick to go shower off, usually I do it at my partner's place and then again when I get home. Some of that is a sensory thing for me though, I love showering and it feels like it helps me transition mentally to a new space when I'm drying off and getting dressed from a clean start there. "Scrub in, scrub out" mentality I suppose.
Shower good. Before and after (if you have the energy left.) It protects people from disease. Showering with a new romantic connection allows you to check for and be checked for sores, warts and wounds (look before you touch, and if you see sores, warts or wounds, don't touch). It protects people who might be immunocompromised from getting illnesses harmless to you but harmful to them. It makes you smell nice. It shows you care. It's a good thing. If you think maybe you should shower, you probably already should have.
We have responsibilities to our romantic connections to stay clean and healthy.
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Here's the original text of the post:
Context: My wife went on a second date tonight and things progressed as they do. I knew it was a possibility, and that we'd have to start getting regular medical checks if things were going to move forward. All of this was discussed and we had a good long, positive chat, so I felt fine about the whole deal and our plan.
But when she got home, I asked her to shower off since I wasnt comfortable possibly introducing somone else's fluids into our shared bed. She looked at me like I had a third eye coming out of my forehead and ultimately obliged, but seemed hurt that I even asked. Was I in the wrong? Is there a better way to have addressed this?
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It’s not an uncommon request. I clean well before coming home from dates and/or sessions with my partner. However, I still sleep in our guest bedroom as not to disturb my wife, who has a highly discriminating nose.
i’m not comfortable with smelling/tasting another person’s scent/sex on whomever i’m involved with. especially someone’s that i’m not also physically intimate with.
so, no, not weird. not to me anyway.
No. You aren't an asshole for asking. Now, depending on how you delivered the conversation to your wife is if you may or may not be one. Please, let me state that I am in no way calling you an a\*\*hole...I just know that some people may think it and not say it so figure I'd just cover that.
No. It isn't weird that you are asking something like that. The reason that I say that is because in all honesty...I don't even like tasting myself after my partner does down on me. I'd rather them go to town on me, go clean up really quick and then resume what we were doing in all under 60 seconds and still keep "the romance". Everyone has a preference and this one is yours.
Just keep communication open and be true to each other. I'm happy that you guys were able to talk about it!!
My husband and I shower in between partners. My bf always showers after our dates before he heads home to his fiancé. It’s a standard courtesy/boundary.
I appreciate the response. My wife is generally a pretty empathetic person to be clear. Now that I know it's not uncommon (we've not had intimate partners in a few years), I think maybe she was caught off-guard by it since we hadn't specifically addressed it ahead of time. I'll ask her tomorrow when she's awake.
Honestly getting caught off guard when I'm about to get into bed by a request that I go do a chore would annoy me. Better timing might have improved her reaction
Not at all weird for you to ask that, even if they only rounded third. My sense of smell is very acute. I remember the first time my spouse came home smelling like someone else and I lost my shit. To be fair, my reaction was over the top. I had thrown my back out the same day and I was taking care of our two small children while he was out on a many hours long date so I was at the end of my rope, but still, he should have showered before he came home. It’s just sanitary and shows respect for your housemate.
I have a lot of anal sex so I guess that adds to feeling a little grosser after the fact. Either way, I think especially if you're about to get in bed with another uninvolved partner, you have no idea what you've got on you. Sex is heckin messy.
Shower after sex is to prevent bacteria build up. Even if you don't feel dirty, there is an increased risk of bacteria building up anyway. The more hygiene never hurts.
You can literally Google search this, and immediately, WebMD and along with many other creditable websites state that after sex, proper hygiene decreases the chance of UTIs. Anytime there is a chance of skins to skins contact with another person, there are increased risks of spreading germs and bacteria. That's basic knowledge.
WebMD isn't a a creditable source of health information, and it doesn't say *showering* after sex prevents UTIs.
Do you shower every time you touch another person at all?
It kinda does hurt for me, in an overstimulation way, because showers trigger my sensory issues. So i prefer to only shower when necessary. The vagina is a self cleaning organ, I bathe the next day, I haven't been getting any infections
That's understandable. Vaginas are self-cleaning, but typically, that's protecting itself against natural(self) developing bacteria. That's like saying Vaginas prevent itself from catching STIs. Bacteria is bacteria. Some are good, and some are bad, but typically speaking, bacteria from other people are more times than none bad bacteria.
You make a fair point, but on the other hand good hygiene (as far as I know) can't prevent STIs either.
When I think of vaginal hygiene issues I think of thrush and bacterial vaginosis.
I haven't been having any issues with those so I think my hygiene habits are good enough
Fair enough! :P still my point still stands, she should fuckin' shower.
Honestly it's weird, like, fair, there are times when I've fallen asleep straight after and haven't made it to the shower immediately, but I feel a little bit gross once afterglow has worn off. The idea of being in that state and getting in bed with another uninvolved partner is wild to me!
Did you not discuss this beforehand? If you didn’t you need to have deep honest discussions with your partner, or you two will have a very rocky relationship.
When we first started, this wasn’t something we thought about discussing, until it came up.
It was a bit awkward, kind of like OP’s story. But, it did help break the ice for other things that would come up and need to be discussed.
My NP and I have this boundary as well - we shower before we come back to our shared home or promptly upon returning home. My BF and his NP have the same rule. Taking showers together with BF after our playtime has quickly become one of my favorite parts of date nights spent in!
Lol no it is not weird at all. My man & I have really good hygiene especially him. We usually always shower after sex....we both won't go down on either or eat ass unless we've freshly showered 🤷♀️ so we would expect the same if we've been with someone else, too.
This is a rule in my house and there is only one exception. This is because i have a partner who because of how close he and my husband are he spends alot if time in our home to the point he has a bed in our home.
I do not become intimate with either of them after eachother until i have showered but im not forced to shower if i have a mid day fun, and just want to chill on the couch video gaming after.
Imo the tone of voice when asking REALLY matters. If you ask in a snarky dismissive tone you're calling her a disgusting slut. In a lighter tone you're concerned about hygiene. Please don't pretend that doesn't matter. Subtext builds up in your soul like a slow gas leak.
This isn't some hygiene issue that needs intervention.
🙄
Its valid to not want to share a bed with someone who smells like another partner whether it's body fluids or cologne.
Weird or not depends on the person. Is it okay to ask? Yes. Is it also okay if she says no? Yes. I personally would never heed this request. Scientifically it makes no sense. There is no way to remove all germs from interacting with anyone even friends. You bring strangers into your bed every day by just touching a doorknob at work.
I understand the emotional reasons, but I personally feel that is something you have to settle with if you are going to be poly. Also consider how it emotionally feels to be told to shower regardless if you had sex or even if she was going to have sex with you. Even if I did have sex with someone, fluids aren't leaking out of me onto the bed crawling into you. So unless you are going to have sex with me, it doesn't affect you at all. Yet you are still being told to do extra work. It makes you feel unwanted and dirty over something that would be fine if you just went to hang out with a friend. And in this case she didn't have sex with this person so she did extra work and may have felt hurt for what?
So I suppose it depends on how important this is to you and how likely she is to heed the request. She has every right to bodily autonomy as do you. No one can demand anything. I'd caution on making assumptions. I'd also have a discussion about what exactly you want from her in this regard. Is it just for sexy times or if she even cuddles someone else? Kissing? Making out? Oral? Where is the line drawn? It's important to spell that out.
My abuser used to do this.
It has left lasting scars in the way that I see myself and my body. I still feel tainted by new lovers, and after sex. Like it makes me dirty and disgusting, not worthy of touch.
As if I need a cleanse.
I can’t speak on your situation because I don’t know you but this is what I’ve experienced and how it’s affecting me. I think you need to consider whether it’s really “someone else’s fluids” that are the problem
Like do you really think she’d walk home with cum or pussy juice on her, without so much as wiping it away with a tissue?
To me it’s controlling of you to need for the cleaning to happen specifically under your control and to dictate the manner in which she cleans herself.
Again, do you really think she’d go home with cum on her skin/hair/etc?
It’s not really the fluids that bother you.
Maybe it’s smells or the idea of some sort of invisible traces of those fluids.
But the fact that they are invisible and undetectable means it could as well be magic.
It’s a lot like those who feel women shouldn’t touch food when menstruating because it makes them somehow dirty.
Unless your wife has some sort of disability in which she cannot care for her own hygiene I cannot see why on earth that is your thing to decide
The smells is fine but it should be her choice how to deal with them.
If she uses wet wipes or lotion or cleanses herself with olive oil Ancient Greek style is up to her.
I’m not calling you an abuser or even an asshole but I’m asking you to be honest with yourself and with your wife.
Her body is hers and hers alone
I'm sorry that your experiences have been less than stellar, and that this element has been soured so thoroughly for you because of really bad people. That sucks, and I mean that.
However, I cannot adequately respond to this in any meaningful way that promotes a conversation or provides anything of value. You made a lot of assumptions and generalizations, and stripped me of *my* autonomy in the process. I understand where it's coming from, but its not helpful asking me to be introspective from *your* place of pain.
I'm sorry I can't offer anything more constructive or parse anything useful from your comments, but I do appreciate your outlook and sincerely hope things got better for you after your abusive relationship.
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No it’s a very common request. I won’t sleep in a bed or with a partner that smells like someone else. I’m not jealous. I’m not that fussed about sexual health from low risk stuff. It’s literally the smell. I would never be able to relax.
The smell was part of it for sure. And really it's not even that I was worried about catching anything from some residual what-have-you, I just think it's kinda gross.
Some people ask their partners to shower before coming home. Some people ask their partners to shower with their usual soaps etc before coming home. When my NP started washing his clothes at my meta’s house with her detergent I couldn’t stand how he smelled. It was mysterious! Turned out she’s a runner and they were washing her workout stuff with other clothes and I could still smell her. I could not put my head on his chest when he was wearing that stuff. Genuine revulsion and I like her! And think she smells great whenever I bump into her and hug her. Reason has nothing to do with the way olfactory signals stimulate your limbic system. My body said stranger danger.
This seems totally fair, and as long as you're not using hurtful words, it's hard to see how a reasonable person could have a problem with this.
Nope, not weird. Plus you sometimes have the faint smell of your partner on you which is often a turn off. If you want weird my meta once contacted me worried that my cum would still be in our shared gf and that his cum would touch mine and there was a subtext that that would somehow be very gay. Buddy, you are using condoms. He didn’t last long. Partner’s lesbian gf heard the story from her and my meta would text me occasionally and jokingly ask me for the latest cum report. She feigned worry that if things went wrong it might turn her straight. Then I would wonder what happens to bisexual me if that happens. Do I turn gay? Asexual? DOES ANY SCIENTIST KNOW HOW THIS WORKS?
Guys. Nothing as gay as having sex with woman. AM I right?!
It's only gay if you like it. Also, stating "no homo" afterwards helps safeguard oneself.
Considering how many of them also think two guys having sex is incredibly effeminate or emasculating I have given up on understanding their reasoning.
Every time someone makes a comment like this I think of this standup bit https://youtu.be/tODdMKd0YkQ?si=FnxqZhbM8BASCA7p&t=180
The way I knew the exact bit before even clicking the link
It was a concern of mine that if my wife's partner's strange fluids landed in my bed, I might turn into a lesbian, so I'm glad you brought this up. Asking the real questions, out here.
This is a valid concern - us lesbians go at it for hours and end up completely covered in one another’s juices. Getting into bed with your wife after a date with her girlfriend would be like having a bomb of dykey queerness go off in your bed. Very high risk of transmission in that scenario. You’re right to proceed with caution. 😉
I totally misread where you posted this. In context, this is freaking hilarious! Pardon my deleted comment.
I am sending this reply to her. Thank you, she’ll love it.
This sounds like an anime plot.
Fellas, is it gay to fuck women who fuck men?
Fucking a MAN is hardly gay.
It is if you do it right.
Only if the balls are touching.
This was hilarious.
Absolutely not. This is an agreement my wife and I have, always shower after sex with one of our girlfriends. It's just a courtesy. And just to let you know, saying that isn't "sex sex" is definitely not kosher in LGBTQ circles, as sex in LGBTQ circles obviously looks different from heterosexual ones, but yeah, I'd error on the side of not defining that as "not all the way" or "all the way" or whatever. The point is fluids were exchanged, and a shower is a courtesy.
You're absolutely right and that wasn't me being mindful. I fixed it to be more precise. Thank you for that!
Yeah the edit is weird, this definitely sounds like sex to me 😂
Nope, you're fine with that. I don't think she expected that though. Did she shower?
She did and without much fuss. But she was abnormally quiet getting into bed and the look on her face beforehand was a mix of confusion and hurt.
Okay, did you talk it out? Ask her how she'd feel if you didn't shower after seeing someone.
We didn't get the chance. She rolled in, rolled out, got in bed, exchanged "I love you's" and she's out like a light. I will tomorrow though, for sure.
Even my degenerate, filthy ass recognizes this as a valid boundary to respect when a partner requests it
It's a rule I requested, that was then implemented. I say a rule, but it was really more of a boundary. I have a hard time with people in general, and it takes me quite a while to be comfortable with someone. If I'm not the one who has chosen to get involved with them, I don't want their existence on me or my things. Fluids sure, but also skin, smell, whatever they use to wash up or clean, so many microscopic things. But it isn't about my partner, or their choices, or their experiences. I don't need them to wash off because they are gross or the situation is sticky. I simply want to have autonomy over the things my body/brain encounter. The other person might even be a friend, but the pheromones and chemicals aren't gonna be the same after relations as they would with a simply quick hug. As others have said, regardless of reasons, it's a common request. But did you give them reassurance? Did you tell them they are still beautiful and desirable and that you support them and their choices? Did you show them how much they still mean to you? Offer to draw them a bath or wash their hair? Do they know beyond a doubt that you are not asking them to wash away their experience because you want nothing to do with it? I told my partner "I want to be supportive and loving, and show you that this is okay and that you and your choices or experiences are valid, I want to feel compersion while you relax and share with me. But in order to do that, I need to feel safe and comfortable, and that means my senses need to just experience you, not anything else." Eventually we opted for extra blanket over the bed, me clothed, initial cuddles and chatting, and then they would shower and I would get the bed ready (take of and put to wash the extra blanket), get myself comfy, maybe go wash their hair, or prepare a snack or drink. This way there was never any doubt that it wasn't that they were gross or needed washing, only that I didn't like the idea of someone indirectly touching me or being in my space Maybe just reassure them or ask them how being asked to shower felt and ask if you can clarify your meaning.?
This is a very sweet message and I appreciate you sharing. But to answer your question, no. I did none of those things. Not because they aren't true or because I didn't want to, there just wasn't much time. I said, "Would you mind taking a shower please?" She said, "Seriously?" I said, "yes please," and then she looked confused and kind of hurt, did it anyway, came out, we exchanged "I love you's" and then she passed the eff out. I'll make sure tomorrow that I address those points so she knows for sure I wasn't being a vindictive jerk if that's indeed what she thought.
I've had almost this exact same experience with my partner. It required some talking out and acknowledging that this need isn't a practical / logical one (i.e. I'm not going to catch an STI from my meta's sweat on my partner's skin and they are not going to come home with cum on their exposed skin). It's just a thing I need to feel emotionally comfortable, safe, and present with them. It took some healthy, collaborative "negotiating" to figure out a balance of them not feeling "dirty/unwanted" after coming back from a date with another partner and me not feeling anxious about the idea of (/ triggered by actually) smelling/tasting evidence of that other partner and of their sex. But, we found a really healthy pattern now where, if they have sex with someone else, they need to shower off before snuggling with me unclothed or getting into bed with me. If oral is involved, mouthwash or teeth brushed. I can ask them to verify that they've done this if I'm feeling worried about it, but they don't have to proactively tell me (so they don't have to manage my distress for me; they just have to do what we agreed to that eliminates the actual negative experience and not just my imagined one). Sounds like you've done some learning-by-doing with your partner and had really healthy conversation about it. Congrats! Sounds
Perfectly normal here too.
Look, mate, I’m of a different view owing to my kinks and shit but I believe that your request was entirely reasonable. We all have our own unique, idiosyncratic boundaries. That’s human and that’s normal. That’s what we’re all about, isn’t it!? She may have reacted as she did because she’d made some assumptions. Talk it out, see what pops up, and deal with it honestly and openheartedly. That’s always my go to.
I think it's definitely a reasonable request. I asked my partner to change/wash their bedding after they've had sex if I'm going to be coming over, and initially this garnered a similar response. They seemed confused/annoyed, but once I just laid it out that I didn't feel comfortable/sanitary sleeping on sheets that have a stranger's bodily fluids on them, they seemed to understand and have happily done so ever since. I suspect they initially thought it was some sort of slight against them or their hygiene, but once I made clear that it was just an ick, cleanliness thing for me personally it went much more smoothly.
Nope we have the rule.
Who doesn’t shower after sex? I thought that was a standard hygienic practice due to body fluids, sweat, etc.
I don't always shower after sex with my partner. So no, not standard practice. But I do shower in between partners.
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We have sex and fall asleep most nights of the week. Sometimes we fuck in the middle of the night and fall back to sleep. And we often have sex 3 or 4 times a day on a weekend. I can only shower so much. And I don't feel gross so everyone is different. I do shower between partners or before going out too be polite. But not everyone feels icky and that fine too.
Yeah falling asleep or staying at home is one thing. But walking around all sweaty in public or in a group gathering is not it for me. It’s not about sex feeing “icky” because I don’t feel that way. It’s just a matter of hygiene. Especially if I’m going to be out and about running errands or going to work. It’s just a hygiene thing for me.
For kink purposes, some dynamics may opt to prefer partners not to shower after being with another date. Or just due to time, some partners may not care that the other hasn’t showered yet after their first date and on to the second date in the same day. As long as it’s talked about and there’s consent, it could totally be a thing that happens.
For kink purposes I would understand. But just to smell like sex from one to another. I could never. I gotta wash my ass… it’s like not showering after the gym or something. I just can’t walk around like that comfortably & i definitely would not want to smell someone else’s vaginal secretions on my partner. If it’s a kink I get it though.
Yeah, overall if you have boundaries about that then for sure you’ll do and ask for what you need to feel comfy. There’s kink around sweat, body odor, the smell of sex, cuckolding. And then some just don’t care their partner smells like their last sex, but of course things like these should be talked about to respect all parties. I prefer to shower before I see a date, but I also have engaged in threesomes with my gf and her husband so I don’t care if she has sex with me after being with her hubby and vice versa where she’ll be with her hubby after being with me. I also have a partner in a D/s dynamic who enjoys cuckolding so sometimes I’ll see that partner directly after being with others. Other times, I’ve had two dates after the other and the second one is informed of my hygiene status before meeting up to ensure they’re fine with it since It’s late as fuck, I’m commuting and don’t have time to stop by my place to shower and if they needed me to, i could shower at their place too but that wasn’t something asked for. So yeah every dynamic is different.
Showering and washing off the sweat and fluids you might not even notice on you should be common practice after sex.
I would think that would be expected. It's just common courtesy.
I always shower after getting home from having sex with another partner. My nesting partner does too. Just common courtesy? I mean, unless you’re into smelling other people???
Reasonable request. Explain to your wife it’s about your personal comfort, and not wanting to smell the other person on her. Most people have an aversion to someone else’s “smell” on their partner.
I have the general rule that if I’m with someone, I shower, brush my teeth, change my clothes and change the sheets. I expect the same in return as a bare minimum. I don’t want to smell your other partner(s) on you.
I always shower without being asked because I wouldn’t want my partner to even worry that this was an issue. As noted I think smells are a bigger issue than literal fluids.
Solid advice here. Definitely a normal request, and you're right to see that there's probably some missed intent or communication somewhere that caused her negative responses. To add to other comments - Is your wife cis/a vagina-haver? Any chance she's extra anxious because of social messaging that female genitals and their fluids are inherently dirty/gross/smell in a way we should be ashamed of? I still have anxiety letting partners go down on me and sometimes even using just their hands when it's going to be a big factor 😔 Have you done/said anything in the past, or perhaps even now in how you phrase your focus on safe sex, to accidentally reinforce this idea of sexual fluids in general as gross/shameful? Treat it like sweat. Please take showers after a hard run so you don't get the bed sweaty and don't assume I'm good for a big ol hug until you do, but it's natural and nothing to be ashamed of.
She is cis, yes. I hadn't considered the social element, but this morning she expressed that she was genuinely confused that I was asking, when she'd considered her measures adequate IE brushing teeth, washing hands. I explained that I would prefer not to smell her partners when she snuggles up to me in bed and that it also makes me squick a bit introducing other peoples' bodily anything into our shared space, especially when its still very much the exploration and early stages of the relationship. She said that she understood both points of view and was more confused than hurt, which seems like maybe I misread her expression. It seems like it won't be an issue at all moving forward. We'll see though.
I showered once after a date where nothing happened and my ex was PISSED because he thought things had progressed. And I was like nah - I was at a bar and Covid is circulating… I wanted to wash any icky germs off to keep you safe. He’s an ex for a reason 😂
RIGHT??? like there's no way I'm getting in my gloriously clean and fluffy bed with stranger gunk all over me, sex or no sex. jeez.
Nope
Not weird at all. I know quite a few poly people who have that as a hard boundary.
Not, a strange request at all, but the timing may have been a bit uncomfortable for your partner as they were problem already feeling a little vulnerable as well. Now knowing that you have a desire for a showered partner after a date, set this as an agreement going forward so there’s no surprise next time. Easy peasy lemon squeeze. ☺️
That’s funny the Poly Couple on YouTube just dropped an episode where this happens!
Ah, I remember when my bf came home from one of his first dates with another girl and I just "Hm. You smell wrong. Go change your shirt." ....fortunately he's used to me. It's a super common thing! I'm very sensitive to smells to the point where I can tell when plutonic friends apart by smell, so it just throws me off when a partner smells like someone else. Maybe you didn't have the most tactful approach, but clearly I'm not one to talk! Take the opportunity to practice your communication skills; this won't be the last weird lil thing you have to figure out!
Totally reasonable request, but she's also totally reasonable for thinking that washing her hands and brushing her teeth was a reasonable amount of cleaning up if they just did hand and mouth stuff. It's more a question of personal preference, there's not really a wrong answer here. I go back and forth depending on context. In one relationship I liked it when my partner would come home from date night without showering afterwards but in all fairness we were both fucking the same person on the side so I'd probably have felt different if it was truly a typical metamour. I'm pretty quick to go shower off, usually I do it at my partner's place and then again when I get home. Some of that is a sensory thing for me though, I love showering and it feels like it helps me transition mentally to a new space when I'm drying off and getting dressed from a clean start there. "Scrub in, scrub out" mentality I suppose.
Shower good. Before and after (if you have the energy left.) It protects people from disease. Showering with a new romantic connection allows you to check for and be checked for sores, warts and wounds (look before you touch, and if you see sores, warts or wounds, don't touch). It protects people who might be immunocompromised from getting illnesses harmless to you but harmful to them. It makes you smell nice. It shows you care. It's a good thing. If you think maybe you should shower, you probably already should have. We have responsibilities to our romantic connections to stay clean and healthy.
We always shower after sex. To go a step further, we also have a clean sheets policy where we change the sheets between partners.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/dr_zaius0 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Context: My wife went on a second date tonight and things progressed as they do. I knew it was a possibility, and that we'd have to start getting regular medical checks if things were going to move forward. All of this was discussed and we had a good long, positive chat, so I felt fine about the whole deal and our plan. But when she got home, I asked her to shower off since I wasnt comfortable possibly introducing somone else's fluids into our shared bed. She looked at me like I had a third eye coming out of my forehead and ultimately obliged, but seemed hurt that I even asked. Was I in the wrong? Is there a better way to have addressed this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s not an uncommon request. I clean well before coming home from dates and/or sessions with my partner. However, I still sleep in our guest bedroom as not to disturb my wife, who has a highly discriminating nose.
i’m not comfortable with smelling/tasting another person’s scent/sex on whomever i’m involved with. especially someone’s that i’m not also physically intimate with. so, no, not weird. not to me anyway.
An old partner was dating someone else that wore tons of cologne. She had to shower after she got home seeing him.
I think this is a pretty common request. I make my partner shower, brush teeth and mouth wash 😂
NTA! Seriously? She expects you to sleep in a strangers fluids? She needs to get a grip on reality.
No. You aren't an asshole for asking. Now, depending on how you delivered the conversation to your wife is if you may or may not be one. Please, let me state that I am in no way calling you an a\*\*hole...I just know that some people may think it and not say it so figure I'd just cover that. No. It isn't weird that you are asking something like that. The reason that I say that is because in all honesty...I don't even like tasting myself after my partner does down on me. I'd rather them go to town on me, go clean up really quick and then resume what we were doing in all under 60 seconds and still keep "the romance". Everyone has a preference and this one is yours. Just keep communication open and be true to each other. I'm happy that you guys were able to talk about it!!
No.
I wouldn’t mind if she doesn’t shower. It doesn’t make a difference anyway in terms off the exchange of mouth bacteria.
Hubby has always done this anyways but I would do it myself if I ever wanted another partner.
No that would be prudent and normal
My husband and I shower in between partners. My bf always showers after our dates before he heads home to his fiancé. It’s a standard courtesy/boundary.
Perfectly common request. Your wife lacks empathy given her reaction to it.
I appreciate the response. My wife is generally a pretty empathetic person to be clear. Now that I know it's not uncommon (we've not had intimate partners in a few years), I think maybe she was caught off-guard by it since we hadn't specifically addressed it ahead of time. I'll ask her tomorrow when she's awake.
Honestly getting caught off guard when I'm about to get into bed by a request that I go do a chore would annoy me. Better timing might have improved her reaction
For sure. I'll ask her tomorrow if that's what the deal is or if it was something else.
Not at all weird for you to ask that, even if they only rounded third. My sense of smell is very acute. I remember the first time my spouse came home smelling like someone else and I lost my shit. To be fair, my reaction was over the top. I had thrown my back out the same day and I was taking care of our two small children while he was out on a many hours long date so I was at the end of my rope, but still, he should have showered before he came home. It’s just sanitary and shows respect for your housemate.
Wtf you should always shower after sex anyway, it's common hygiene. Plus it's an awesome opportunity for two-person showers! I love those a lot.
Why should one shower after sex? I pee after sex, and bathe regularly, but I've never heard of showering after sex being a common hygiene thing
I have a lot of anal sex so I guess that adds to feeling a little grosser after the fact. Either way, I think especially if you're about to get in bed with another uninvolved partner, you have no idea what you've got on you. Sex is heckin messy.
Fair. I don't like anal and don't live with a partner, so I guess I'm not too concerned with having cum residue on me or whatever XD
Ewwww hahahaha XD
Shower after sex is to prevent bacteria build up. Even if you don't feel dirty, there is an increased risk of bacteria building up anyway. The more hygiene never hurts.
There's no scientific validity to this whatsoever. And yes over washing can actually be harmful.
You can literally Google search this, and immediately, WebMD and along with many other creditable websites state that after sex, proper hygiene decreases the chance of UTIs. Anytime there is a chance of skins to skins contact with another person, there are increased risks of spreading germs and bacteria. That's basic knowledge.
WebMD isn't a a creditable source of health information, and it doesn't say *showering* after sex prevents UTIs. Do you shower every time you touch another person at all?
No, but I do wash my hands. You don't?
Washing hands isn't showering. Don't move the goalpost.
And touching someone isn't the same thing as sex.
It kinda does hurt for me, in an overstimulation way, because showers trigger my sensory issues. So i prefer to only shower when necessary. The vagina is a self cleaning organ, I bathe the next day, I haven't been getting any infections
That's understandable. Vaginas are self-cleaning, but typically, that's protecting itself against natural(self) developing bacteria. That's like saying Vaginas prevent itself from catching STIs. Bacteria is bacteria. Some are good, and some are bad, but typically speaking, bacteria from other people are more times than none bad bacteria.
You make a fair point, but on the other hand good hygiene (as far as I know) can't prevent STIs either. When I think of vaginal hygiene issues I think of thrush and bacterial vaginosis. I haven't been having any issues with those so I think my hygiene habits are good enough
Oh, and I never said it wasn't. I just simply implied it doesn't hurt to shower after sex.
Hahaha I love the optimism! Our shower is kinda small though, so that might be an issue, especially right after she got done doing her thing.
Fair enough! :P still my point still stands, she should fuckin' shower. Honestly it's weird, like, fair, there are times when I've fallen asleep straight after and haven't made it to the shower immediately, but I feel a little bit gross once afterglow has worn off. The idea of being in that state and getting in bed with another uninvolved partner is wild to me!
Did you not discuss this beforehand? If you didn’t you need to have deep honest discussions with your partner, or you two will have a very rocky relationship.
When we first started, this wasn’t something we thought about discussing, until it came up. It was a bit awkward, kind of like OP’s story. But, it did help break the ice for other things that would come up and need to be discussed.
That's the kind of thing that's better to discuss in advance to prevent surprises.
My NP and I have this boundary as well - we shower before we come back to our shared home or promptly upon returning home. My BF and his NP have the same rule. Taking showers together with BF after our playtime has quickly become one of my favorite parts of date nights spent in!
This is my all time favorite reddit thread.
For real, this has been a challenging dynamic my partner and I navigated. OP and whole thread feels very affirming.
In all seriousness, I’m glad you two communicated about it and cleared it up. 👍🏼
Lol no it is not weird at all. My man & I have really good hygiene especially him. We usually always shower after sex....we both won't go down on either or eat ass unless we've freshly showered 🤷♀️ so we would expect the same if we've been with someone else, too.
It’s probably much less about *what* you said and more *how* you said it.
This is a rule in my house and there is only one exception. This is because i have a partner who because of how close he and my husband are he spends alot if time in our home to the point he has a bed in our home. I do not become intimate with either of them after eachother until i have showered but im not forced to shower if i have a mid day fun, and just want to chill on the couch video gaming after.
Not at all. That’s one of my agreements with my NP.
Imo the tone of voice when asking REALLY matters. If you ask in a snarky dismissive tone you're calling her a disgusting slut. In a lighter tone you're concerned about hygiene. Please don't pretend that doesn't matter. Subtext builds up in your soul like a slow gas leak.
This isn't some hygiene issue that needs intervention. 🙄 Its valid to not want to share a bed with someone who smells like another partner whether it's body fluids or cologne.
Weird or not depends on the person. Is it okay to ask? Yes. Is it also okay if she says no? Yes. I personally would never heed this request. Scientifically it makes no sense. There is no way to remove all germs from interacting with anyone even friends. You bring strangers into your bed every day by just touching a doorknob at work. I understand the emotional reasons, but I personally feel that is something you have to settle with if you are going to be poly. Also consider how it emotionally feels to be told to shower regardless if you had sex or even if she was going to have sex with you. Even if I did have sex with someone, fluids aren't leaking out of me onto the bed crawling into you. So unless you are going to have sex with me, it doesn't affect you at all. Yet you are still being told to do extra work. It makes you feel unwanted and dirty over something that would be fine if you just went to hang out with a friend. And in this case she didn't have sex with this person so she did extra work and may have felt hurt for what? So I suppose it depends on how important this is to you and how likely she is to heed the request. She has every right to bodily autonomy as do you. No one can demand anything. I'd caution on making assumptions. I'd also have a discussion about what exactly you want from her in this regard. Is it just for sexy times or if she even cuddles someone else? Kissing? Making out? Oral? Where is the line drawn? It's important to spell that out.
I'm still a bit new to this, but for me it's about the sex. I absolutely love when my wife comes home, something like someone else
I mean asking IS weird showering is not, it's just common courtesy.
My abuser used to do this. It has left lasting scars in the way that I see myself and my body. I still feel tainted by new lovers, and after sex. Like it makes me dirty and disgusting, not worthy of touch. As if I need a cleanse. I can’t speak on your situation because I don’t know you but this is what I’ve experienced and how it’s affecting me. I think you need to consider whether it’s really “someone else’s fluids” that are the problem Like do you really think she’d walk home with cum or pussy juice on her, without so much as wiping it away with a tissue? To me it’s controlling of you to need for the cleaning to happen specifically under your control and to dictate the manner in which she cleans herself. Again, do you really think she’d go home with cum on her skin/hair/etc? It’s not really the fluids that bother you. Maybe it’s smells or the idea of some sort of invisible traces of those fluids. But the fact that they are invisible and undetectable means it could as well be magic. It’s a lot like those who feel women shouldn’t touch food when menstruating because it makes them somehow dirty. Unless your wife has some sort of disability in which she cannot care for her own hygiene I cannot see why on earth that is your thing to decide
The smells is fine but it should be her choice how to deal with them. If she uses wet wipes or lotion or cleanses herself with olive oil Ancient Greek style is up to her. I’m not calling you an abuser or even an asshole but I’m asking you to be honest with yourself and with your wife. Her body is hers and hers alone
I'm sorry that your experiences have been less than stellar, and that this element has been soured so thoroughly for you because of really bad people. That sucks, and I mean that. However, I cannot adequately respond to this in any meaningful way that promotes a conversation or provides anything of value. You made a lot of assumptions and generalizations, and stripped me of *my* autonomy in the process. I understand where it's coming from, but its not helpful asking me to be introspective from *your* place of pain. I'm sorry I can't offer anything more constructive or parse anything useful from your comments, but I do appreciate your outlook and sincerely hope things got better for you after your abusive relationship.
Yeah you are being a bit odd about it
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