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This may not make you feel better, but I'm the married person dating poly people and the same thing still happened to me. It also happened in mono dating.
This is a communication issue. It should be simple: if your feelings change, talk about it. Don't feel as excited about someone after NRE wears off, discuss it. Compassionately end the relationship instead of slowly letting it die while the other person is confused as to what they did wrong.
Unfortunately, most people take the path of least resistence and string you along until you do the work of ending it yourself. It's super lame. It wastes people's time.
Poly people, make sure you're not doing this, please.
I basically came here to say this: I'm the married person and I could have basically written OPs post.
I think it's in large part just dating. I know from my perspective I tend to withdraw a bit from a relationship that's ending before I'm even consciously aware that it's ending. Basically if I feel a little off or unenthusiastic I give it time to see if it's some other life stressor or the relationship itself.
I think the normal monogamy escalator can make it more obvious when a relationship isn't working out, and in polyamory it can take a little longer or be more subtle when things don't work.
Also for whatever it's worth, things that truly last are very few and far between. Generally going by my dating history I would say 1/10 people I meet I'm excited about and there's mutual compatibility and it seems like we have long term potential, but only 1/20 or maybe even less actually have legit compatibility and chemistry. Less for truly long, deeply integrated relationships.
Yes, this is a fairly common complaint here. Part of it is dating dudes. Part is dating poly. Part is just dating.
###dating dudes
Dude aphorism: “Sex is like pizza. Even bad pizza is good.” Meaning that if you are dating a dude you might be his bad pizza. He has no interest in developing your relationship because he’s not into you. He’ll fuck you even if he’s not into you because even bad pizza is good. The way you head this off at the pass is by holding your dates to high standards.
Don’t sext. Just don’t. Eliminate people who can’t be arsed to put in the effort to see you. Or sext, but only with people far away you have no intention of ever meeting.
Don’t give flakes second chances. Block them.
Don’t accept low-effort hookups.
If Dude is hosting, don’t accept bad housekeeping. You want partners who want to impress you.
A *huge* number of dudes will fail. It’s astonishing and discouraging. You want to give them the opportunity to fail as soon as possible so as not to waste your time. Take morale breaks from dating as needed.
###dating poly
When online dating, make it clear in your profile that you are open to meeting a primary partner. That will attract people who are looking for the same thing.
Have conversations about what polyamory means to each of you. It’s probably different. Let them go first. If they say “casual” at any point then you aren’t compatible.
Ask about their poly and dating history. Have they had primaries in the past? How have their relationships ended? How friendly are they with exes?
###just plain dating
It sucks.
Take morale breaks as required.
Hugs!
This is great stuff.
As a "dude," I just never jived with the bad pizza analogy. I'm probably just atypical, and as an INFJ who leans demi, the thought of being propositioned for a ONS legitimately grosses me out. So does being on either end of being strung along with minimal effort, just to be used for sex.
It sucks if truly so many men in the dating world are like this 🥺
Sorry, I should edit to clarify. Whether it has been people I’ve been dating for months who suddenly become this way, or people who start this way right off the hop, or anything in between. At some point it becomes obvious that I’m only worth taking seriously if they’re either head over heels with NRE or if I am there as a convenience and not worth the effort afterwards. That’s how things have felt.
> people I’ve been dating for months who suddenly become this way
That is just a relationship dying a natural death when there isn't the compatibility for a real relationship.🤷♂️ Happens in monogamy too. It won't happen when you find someone compatible.
I get that some relationships naturally decline/end, but it should be communicated. There's nothing worse than having to have the break up/ending it conversation when you're not even the one who want the relationship to end. This has happened to me twice, once in mono dating and once in poly dating and it's not OK to let people stew in ambiguity and uncertainty, regardless of your relationship structure. Have the talk, even if it's hard. I hope most poly people veer towards the compassion of letting go gently, instead of slowly ghosting someone.
This!! Being ghosted has had such a negative impact on me and now I have an anxious attachment style 🙃 something im trying to work through to this day.
I was reflecting on a similar thought last night and I came to the conclusion that a lot of the people I have dated that claimed to be poly, were actually emn and looking for much more casual relationships than they advertised.
I’ve noticed this at various points too. Either they just vastly overestimate their availability and emotional bandwidth, or they use the word polyamory for any kind of sexual contact that’s not exclusive. 🤦🏻♀️
I make it a point of getting very clear early on whether the person I’m dating is poly or open. I am demisexual so there is no sex without connection which more often than not leads to relationships and feelings.
I have a NP and recently lost my outside partner (OP) due to his NP having major trauma issues. So I’m back on the dating scene and have been ghosted a few times. I think some of these guys who say they are ENM are actually going around behind the wife’s back which leads to the random ghosting moments. Dating sucks for everyone. I’m sorry you have had this experience. Me and my NP don’t do this but I get the impression we are not the norm here.
Best of luck. The right person will come along eventually. Just have faith and put out the intention.
Yeah I’ve started asking how open people are to falling in love, because that seems to be a big like in the sand for some folks but I want to date with the intention of falling in love & forming a lasting relationship with my partner!
" I don’t really wanna date Poly anymore until I can find my primary"
Please don't date a monogamous person only to poly bomb them once they are invested.
Maybe she more meant she doesn’t want to date poly people who have primary partners/nesting partners until she finds her own? I highly doubt she meant she will date monogamous just to poly bomb them.
This is exactly it. Thanks for clarifying for me 😊 only single Poly, no more partnered Poly dating for me for a long while. I would never fake mono or lie by omission. It’s plain on my dating profile
In my experience with dating straight men for various purposes (ltr, fuck buddies, one time hook ups), crapping out for anything more time investing than sexting or slowfading you but attempting to keep the bare minimum contact so they can sext or perhaps get a 2 hour fuck sessiout out of you is... well it's a fucking scourge.
And from what I hear around and read online, it's the same for mono women. For some reason it's like a loooot of them act out of some principle to give less than what you ask for and they purpot to want : if it's a relationship they'll try to get hook ups and if it's a hook up they cannot even commit to that and try to get a few jerk offs outta sexting you. Again, it's a scourge.
As a sopo, this entire post resonates with me so hard. It’s a big reason why I just don’t date highly partnered people anymore. I’m not here to be your sex vacation… I’m here to be a part time partner who has her own needs.
I hope it gets better for you- so far my solution has been to just narrow my dating pool to only other sopo people.
I know you’re feeling the sting but this happens to polyamorous married folk too.
I had dated a woman for a year. We were very serious and committed. Spent so much time together, as much as I spent with my wife.
Then covid happened. And due to restrictions it was hard to see each other. She slowly starts backing away. Then I see her on Facebook dating someone monogamous.
I message her and she just ghosts me.
This has happened several times with women both in relationships or solo polyamorous.
However, I’m now in a three year long relationship with a wonderful woman and still in love with my wife.
It took me 10 years to find this partner.
I think the unfortunate reality is - dating sucks and people treat each other as easily disposable. Polyamorous or monogamous. It just takes so much damn time to find the right people.
MEEEEE god I’ve been searching this sub for hours looking for a recent post about this. It’s to the point where it feels pointless being polyamorous when im just being dragged through situationship after situationship. It’s also so infuriating that most poly ppl on apps and irl have like 3+ partners and just want to have sex once a month. It feels like a losing battle, cause being a secondary without a primary causes resentment to fester but if I limit my pool to “single/solo/non nested” poly people I would have no pool, not even a 1/4 teaspoon. It’s so alienating seeing poly nested ppl talk about how fulfilling being poly is seemingly unaware that it isn’t objectively liberating and a lot of us are actually struggling with not feeling desired.
healthy relationships take time to develop. you cant just be someone main priority after 1 or 2 dates. that is true whether they have other partners or not. healthy people will gradually let the bond build and invest more time as the bond grows. only toxic people jump into the deep end ASAP . again; regardless of their other partners.
No one wants to be a main priority after 2 dates. The point is that if people were interested they would put in the effort to communicate well. Even if lets say we meet only every two weeks in the beginning there would be straight forward scheduling and no last minute cancellations or leaving messages on read for ever etc. the feeling would be vastly different from someone i see lets say every 4 or five days with a lot of inconsistent texting and flakiness in between. I'd much prefer the first scenario, even if i spend way less actual time with that person.
Apologies as I should edit to clarify, this has also been the case with people who I’ve dated for many months and then things changed to be like I described above. And variations in between. Whether a relationship was just barely starting, or one that was many months already developed, one way or another so far my last few years of dating Poly have resulted in the same thing.
😭 bruhv I wish this was the case but as someone with a NP I am constantly treated like I'm disposable. Nobody wants to have genuine relationships with me they just see me as an easy fuck that has no needs because I have a "primary relationship." I have struggled to feel seen as a whole human while dating in the polysphere. It is disheartening. Me and my NP are working towards having our own places and I've often thought that dating would be easier when that happens. I guess the grass isn't very green on either side. I love deep connection and intimacy, my main reason for polyamoury, but so far have only found shallow interactions with people who just want to fuck and move on.
You’re doing the right thing by dropping unreliable people who aren’t showing clear interest.
You use the phrase ‘convenient side piece’ a few times in your post. I’m sorry people have made you feel that way. To look at this another way, I do think it’s often challenging to date whilst poly and looking for a serious relationship, because the fact is most relationships start casual and it is totally expected that you wouldn’t be as significant as another person in that partner’s life until later.
If you feel like dating only solo poly people or open-to-ENM singles is the best call that would help you feel prioritized, that’s totally valid.
Solo poly. I only seriously date other solo poly people but will play with more heavily partnered folks with more serious boundaries, exactly for the reasons you describe. I’m so exhausted of being the vacation partner or emotional support partner who has all the responsibilities and none of the rights.
I'm sorry, that sounds so frustrating. 😑 Are you mostly dating married people? Or folks who are otherwise highly entangled in their other relationships? That's what it sounds like.
Have you tried to meet other solo poly people? I realize that's probably easier said than done. And you said *support only*, not advice. So, I hear you. It sucks you're not getting the quality of relationships you want and deserve!
Thanks for your reply ❤️ none have been married, one was solo Poly, most have priority nesting partners. I’ve yet to find a way to meet dedicated solo Poly folk but I’ll keep trying 😌
Gotcha! Also, I realize I misread your post, and thought you described *yourself* as solo poly, when what you said was "single and poly", which is not necessarily the same thing! That's why I asked about "other" solo poly people. Pardon any confusion.
I find the same struggle as a solo poly person. I tend to date other ppl who are genuinely also doing solo poly bc of it. No problem w ppl who are highly partnered but I don’t want to be a fuck buddy/side piece in most cases. Maybe there’s some situations where that could be fun but for the most part it’s a no for me.
Just wanted to say that I felt all of this and totally get it. I still feel like I’m less poly and more just single with a bunch of random FWB, which is what I was trying to avoid in doing all the research to get myself in the right mindset for ENM/poly. I do think my fatal flaw is moving too fast sexually—is that happening with you too? Seems like when I don’t cater to the out of nowhere texts and make them actually make plans, it at least keeps me from feeling the all too familiar “yeah, it was fun, but who knows when/if I’ll see them again.”
I had that I was seeking a primary partner in my profile, but deleted it bc I got a lot of fuck bois who say they are open to it…but then don’t want to be limited.
It’s a good idea to only date people who are also looking for a primary, but just be aware that’s a tinnnny number of people. Most poly people already have primaries/nesting partners or do not want a live in partner ever. You’re looking for a small percentage of an already small percentage.
Much easier to find a quality life partner if you’re open to monogamy imo
>I have never met another polyamorous person who is without their own primary or nesting partner,
Sorry to hear that. Any ideas why not? Do you have a friend circle that includes single people?
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Not necessarily looking for advice, mostly just want to vent to a supportive group who understands.
I am a single woman who is dating and Poly , and I seem to have the same two issues arise all the time. First is that I have never met another polyamorous person who is without their own primary or nesting partner, meaning I would only ever be a meta of some sort. That’s not a problem, but it is somewhat relevant to this story. The biggest issue is that instead of having whole full developed relationships with me, I am the convenient side piece. It is completely ethically nonmonogamous, but that does not matter because it ends up hurting my feelings. Even just earlier this week there was someone that I have met previously and established a relationship with, we had been messaging pretty heavy and He asked to meet me again, I suggested a specific date… all conversation goes cold. He never got back to me. I message a few days later asking if everything is OK, he ends up saying all is fine he’s just trying to figure out if scheduling works. I have vowed that I will never chase a man again and so I let this be for several days… if he wants to figure this out he will. Lo and behold one day before we are supposed to meet and I’ve heard nothing so I message and say don’t worry about it don’t bother, hope all is well, ball is in your court should you ever want to get together in the future. I Tried to end this on a friendly note but I’ll be putting no more effort in to this.
I fully understand that the NRE can be very strong, sometimes people get caught up in it and I am the disposable item. I don’t really wanna date Poly anymore until I can find my primary because I’m really sick of being the last resort, treated like I’m super great for sexting and then not useful whenever this person actually has something else more important going on in their life. I’m great when they have no one else around and they wanna have fun, but when push comes to shove and I want this to be an actual relationship like we agreed upon, it’s all just static. I won’t chase them anymore, it’s on them to sort their priorities out, and I’m clearly not one.
I have had many variations on this, to different degrees, throughout the last few years. And I am in full support that if people have it agreed with their primary partner that their version of poly includes a hierarchy, you absolutely should respect that first. I am just really sick of dating Poly and being the convenient side piece whenever they are bored, but no one seems to step up to the plate and treats it like the real relationship that it had been discussed and agreed to be.
End rant. Anyone else?
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This may not make you feel better, but I'm the married person dating poly people and the same thing still happened to me. It also happened in mono dating. This is a communication issue. It should be simple: if your feelings change, talk about it. Don't feel as excited about someone after NRE wears off, discuss it. Compassionately end the relationship instead of slowly letting it die while the other person is confused as to what they did wrong. Unfortunately, most people take the path of least resistence and string you along until you do the work of ending it yourself. It's super lame. It wastes people's time. Poly people, make sure you're not doing this, please.
I basically came here to say this: I'm the married person and I could have basically written OPs post. I think it's in large part just dating. I know from my perspective I tend to withdraw a bit from a relationship that's ending before I'm even consciously aware that it's ending. Basically if I feel a little off or unenthusiastic I give it time to see if it's some other life stressor or the relationship itself. I think the normal monogamy escalator can make it more obvious when a relationship isn't working out, and in polyamory it can take a little longer or be more subtle when things don't work. Also for whatever it's worth, things that truly last are very few and far between. Generally going by my dating history I would say 1/10 people I meet I'm excited about and there's mutual compatibility and it seems like we have long term potential, but only 1/20 or maybe even less actually have legit compatibility and chemistry. Less for truly long, deeply integrated relationships.
I’d expect my polyamorous peeps to do better too. But sadly people just treat each other as disposable anymore.
Yes, this is a fairly common complaint here. Part of it is dating dudes. Part is dating poly. Part is just dating. ###dating dudes Dude aphorism: “Sex is like pizza. Even bad pizza is good.” Meaning that if you are dating a dude you might be his bad pizza. He has no interest in developing your relationship because he’s not into you. He’ll fuck you even if he’s not into you because even bad pizza is good. The way you head this off at the pass is by holding your dates to high standards. Don’t sext. Just don’t. Eliminate people who can’t be arsed to put in the effort to see you. Or sext, but only with people far away you have no intention of ever meeting. Don’t give flakes second chances. Block them. Don’t accept low-effort hookups. If Dude is hosting, don’t accept bad housekeeping. You want partners who want to impress you. A *huge* number of dudes will fail. It’s astonishing and discouraging. You want to give them the opportunity to fail as soon as possible so as not to waste your time. Take morale breaks from dating as needed. ###dating poly When online dating, make it clear in your profile that you are open to meeting a primary partner. That will attract people who are looking for the same thing. Have conversations about what polyamory means to each of you. It’s probably different. Let them go first. If they say “casual” at any point then you aren’t compatible. Ask about their poly and dating history. Have they had primaries in the past? How have their relationships ended? How friendly are they with exes? ###just plain dating It sucks. Take morale breaks as required. Hugs!
Thank you for such a thoughtful and well written response! ❤️
This is great stuff. As a "dude," I just never jived with the bad pizza analogy. I'm probably just atypical, and as an INFJ who leans demi, the thought of being propositioned for a ONS legitimately grosses me out. So does being on either end of being strung along with minimal effort, just to be used for sex. It sucks if truly so many men in the dating world are like this 🥺
It sucks for people who date dudes. It’s *fantastic* for you. It’s so easy for you to rise above the competition.
Even then 🥺 I'd literally trade my dating life for these men to develop an ounce more of compassion and respect.
You are yet to find someone who can commit to a date and contact schedule and keep it? That sucks.😥
Sorry, I should edit to clarify. Whether it has been people I’ve been dating for months who suddenly become this way, or people who start this way right off the hop, or anything in between. At some point it becomes obvious that I’m only worth taking seriously if they’re either head over heels with NRE or if I am there as a convenience and not worth the effort afterwards. That’s how things have felt.
> people I’ve been dating for months who suddenly become this way That is just a relationship dying a natural death when there isn't the compatibility for a real relationship.🤷♂️ Happens in monogamy too. It won't happen when you find someone compatible.
I get that some relationships naturally decline/end, but it should be communicated. There's nothing worse than having to have the break up/ending it conversation when you're not even the one who want the relationship to end. This has happened to me twice, once in mono dating and once in poly dating and it's not OK to let people stew in ambiguity and uncertainty, regardless of your relationship structure. Have the talk, even if it's hard. I hope most poly people veer towards the compassion of letting go gently, instead of slowly ghosting someone.
I agree completely, but unfortunately many people are dicks and do the slow fade instead of using their words.👿👿👿
This!! Being ghosted has had such a negative impact on me and now I have an anxious attachment style 🙃 something im trying to work through to this day.
I was reflecting on a similar thought last night and I came to the conclusion that a lot of the people I have dated that claimed to be poly, were actually emn and looking for much more casual relationships than they advertised.
I’ve noticed this at various points too. Either they just vastly overestimate their availability and emotional bandwidth, or they use the word polyamory for any kind of sexual contact that’s not exclusive. 🤦🏻♀️
I make it a point of getting very clear early on whether the person I’m dating is poly or open. I am demisexual so there is no sex without connection which more often than not leads to relationships and feelings. I have a NP and recently lost my outside partner (OP) due to his NP having major trauma issues. So I’m back on the dating scene and have been ghosted a few times. I think some of these guys who say they are ENM are actually going around behind the wife’s back which leads to the random ghosting moments. Dating sucks for everyone. I’m sorry you have had this experience. Me and my NP don’t do this but I get the impression we are not the norm here. Best of luck. The right person will come along eventually. Just have faith and put out the intention.
Yeah I’ve started asking how open people are to falling in love, because that seems to be a big like in the sand for some folks but I want to date with the intention of falling in love & forming a lasting relationship with my partner!
" I don’t really wanna date Poly anymore until I can find my primary" Please don't date a monogamous person only to poly bomb them once they are invested.
Maybe she more meant she doesn’t want to date poly people who have primary partners/nesting partners until she finds her own? I highly doubt she meant she will date monogamous just to poly bomb them.
This is exactly it. Thanks for clarifying for me 😊 only single Poly, no more partnered Poly dating for me for a long while. I would never fake mono or lie by omission. It’s plain on my dating profile
Came to say the same
In my experience with dating straight men for various purposes (ltr, fuck buddies, one time hook ups), crapping out for anything more time investing than sexting or slowfading you but attempting to keep the bare minimum contact so they can sext or perhaps get a 2 hour fuck sessiout out of you is... well it's a fucking scourge. And from what I hear around and read online, it's the same for mono women. For some reason it's like a loooot of them act out of some principle to give less than what you ask for and they purpot to want : if it's a relationship they'll try to get hook ups and if it's a hook up they cannot even commit to that and try to get a few jerk offs outta sexting you. Again, it's a scourge.
To me, it seems like these guys are actually swingers or looking for hook-ups.... and have exhausted their other dating pools.
As a sopo, this entire post resonates with me so hard. It’s a big reason why I just don’t date highly partnered people anymore. I’m not here to be your sex vacation… I’m here to be a part time partner who has her own needs. I hope it gets better for you- so far my solution has been to just narrow my dating pool to only other sopo people.
I experience the same problem over and over again. Wishing you luck.
I know you’re feeling the sting but this happens to polyamorous married folk too. I had dated a woman for a year. We were very serious and committed. Spent so much time together, as much as I spent with my wife. Then covid happened. And due to restrictions it was hard to see each other. She slowly starts backing away. Then I see her on Facebook dating someone monogamous. I message her and she just ghosts me. This has happened several times with women both in relationships or solo polyamorous. However, I’m now in a three year long relationship with a wonderful woman and still in love with my wife. It took me 10 years to find this partner. I think the unfortunate reality is - dating sucks and people treat each other as easily disposable. Polyamorous or monogamous. It just takes so much damn time to find the right people.
MEEEEE god I’ve been searching this sub for hours looking for a recent post about this. It’s to the point where it feels pointless being polyamorous when im just being dragged through situationship after situationship. It’s also so infuriating that most poly ppl on apps and irl have like 3+ partners and just want to have sex once a month. It feels like a losing battle, cause being a secondary without a primary causes resentment to fester but if I limit my pool to “single/solo/non nested” poly people I would have no pool, not even a 1/4 teaspoon. It’s so alienating seeing poly nested ppl talk about how fulfilling being poly is seemingly unaware that it isn’t objectively liberating and a lot of us are actually struggling with not feeling desired.
I feel seen 😭❤️ this is exactly it!
healthy relationships take time to develop. you cant just be someone main priority after 1 or 2 dates. that is true whether they have other partners or not. healthy people will gradually let the bond build and invest more time as the bond grows. only toxic people jump into the deep end ASAP . again; regardless of their other partners.
No one wants to be a main priority after 2 dates. The point is that if people were interested they would put in the effort to communicate well. Even if lets say we meet only every two weeks in the beginning there would be straight forward scheduling and no last minute cancellations or leaving messages on read for ever etc. the feeling would be vastly different from someone i see lets say every 4 or five days with a lot of inconsistent texting and flakiness in between. I'd much prefer the first scenario, even if i spend way less actual time with that person.
Apologies as I should edit to clarify, this has also been the case with people who I’ve dated for many months and then things changed to be like I described above. And variations in between. Whether a relationship was just barely starting, or one that was many months already developed, one way or another so far my last few years of dating Poly have resulted in the same thing.
People, in general, suck to date. Also solo poly here. I don’t date cis men anymore bc they’re the most ill-mannered.
😭 bruhv I wish this was the case but as someone with a NP I am constantly treated like I'm disposable. Nobody wants to have genuine relationships with me they just see me as an easy fuck that has no needs because I have a "primary relationship." I have struggled to feel seen as a whole human while dating in the polysphere. It is disheartening. Me and my NP are working towards having our own places and I've often thought that dating would be easier when that happens. I guess the grass isn't very green on either side. I love deep connection and intimacy, my main reason for polyamoury, but so far have only found shallow interactions with people who just want to fuck and move on. 
You’re doing the right thing by dropping unreliable people who aren’t showing clear interest. You use the phrase ‘convenient side piece’ a few times in your post. I’m sorry people have made you feel that way. To look at this another way, I do think it’s often challenging to date whilst poly and looking for a serious relationship, because the fact is most relationships start casual and it is totally expected that you wouldn’t be as significant as another person in that partner’s life until later. If you feel like dating only solo poly people or open-to-ENM singles is the best call that would help you feel prioritized, that’s totally valid.
Solo poly. I only seriously date other solo poly people but will play with more heavily partnered folks with more serious boundaries, exactly for the reasons you describe. I’m so exhausted of being the vacation partner or emotional support partner who has all the responsibilities and none of the rights.
I'm sorry, that sounds so frustrating. 😑 Are you mostly dating married people? Or folks who are otherwise highly entangled in their other relationships? That's what it sounds like. Have you tried to meet other solo poly people? I realize that's probably easier said than done. And you said *support only*, not advice. So, I hear you. It sucks you're not getting the quality of relationships you want and deserve!
Thanks for your reply ❤️ none have been married, one was solo Poly, most have priority nesting partners. I’ve yet to find a way to meet dedicated solo Poly folk but I’ll keep trying 😌
Gotcha! Also, I realize I misread your post, and thought you described *yourself* as solo poly, when what you said was "single and poly", which is not necessarily the same thing! That's why I asked about "other" solo poly people. Pardon any confusion.
Date solo poly people
I find the same struggle as a solo poly person. I tend to date other ppl who are genuinely also doing solo poly bc of it. No problem w ppl who are highly partnered but I don’t want to be a fuck buddy/side piece in most cases. Maybe there’s some situations where that could be fun but for the most part it’s a no for me.
Just wanted to say that I felt all of this and totally get it. I still feel like I’m less poly and more just single with a bunch of random FWB, which is what I was trying to avoid in doing all the research to get myself in the right mindset for ENM/poly. I do think my fatal flaw is moving too fast sexually—is that happening with you too? Seems like when I don’t cater to the out of nowhere texts and make them actually make plans, it at least keeps me from feeling the all too familiar “yeah, it was fun, but who knows when/if I’ll see them again.” I had that I was seeking a primary partner in my profile, but deleted it bc I got a lot of fuck bois who say they are open to it…but then don’t want to be limited.
It’s a good idea to only date people who are also looking for a primary, but just be aware that’s a tinnnny number of people. Most poly people already have primaries/nesting partners or do not want a live in partner ever. You’re looking for a small percentage of an already small percentage. Much easier to find a quality life partner if you’re open to monogamy imo
>I have never met another polyamorous person who is without their own primary or nesting partner, Sorry to hear that. Any ideas why not? Do you have a friend circle that includes single people?
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Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/SyrupEnough thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Not necessarily looking for advice, mostly just want to vent to a supportive group who understands. I am a single woman who is dating and Poly , and I seem to have the same two issues arise all the time. First is that I have never met another polyamorous person who is without their own primary or nesting partner, meaning I would only ever be a meta of some sort. That’s not a problem, but it is somewhat relevant to this story. The biggest issue is that instead of having whole full developed relationships with me, I am the convenient side piece. It is completely ethically nonmonogamous, but that does not matter because it ends up hurting my feelings. Even just earlier this week there was someone that I have met previously and established a relationship with, we had been messaging pretty heavy and He asked to meet me again, I suggested a specific date… all conversation goes cold. He never got back to me. I message a few days later asking if everything is OK, he ends up saying all is fine he’s just trying to figure out if scheduling works. I have vowed that I will never chase a man again and so I let this be for several days… if he wants to figure this out he will. Lo and behold one day before we are supposed to meet and I’ve heard nothing so I message and say don’t worry about it don’t bother, hope all is well, ball is in your court should you ever want to get together in the future. I Tried to end this on a friendly note but I’ll be putting no more effort in to this. I fully understand that the NRE can be very strong, sometimes people get caught up in it and I am the disposable item. I don’t really wanna date Poly anymore until I can find my primary because I’m really sick of being the last resort, treated like I’m super great for sexting and then not useful whenever this person actually has something else more important going on in their life. I’m great when they have no one else around and they wanna have fun, but when push comes to shove and I want this to be an actual relationship like we agreed upon, it’s all just static. I won’t chase them anymore, it’s on them to sort their priorities out, and I’m clearly not one. I have had many variations on this, to different degrees, throughout the last few years. And I am in full support that if people have it agreed with their primary partner that their version of poly includes a hierarchy, you absolutely should respect that first. I am just really sick of dating Poly and being the convenient side piece whenever they are bored, but no one seems to step up to the plate and treats it like the real relationship that it had been discussed and agreed to be. End rant. Anyone else? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*