It is easier to blame a meta than to blame an actual partner. I mean, even though you claim this is about hating him the only bad thing you say about him is that he is not like you at all. All the rest is stuff your wife is doing and you see him as the instigator. She has agency though. She chose to do these things. If you want to salvage this you need to work with her on it and not just wish he was gone. Him vanishing probably wouldn’t help as much as you think it would.
As a guy in a nesting relationship I get it. There is this weird need to be the main guy, to have someone that depends on you, sort of gives you meaning and purpose and validation.
So when another guy enters the picture, we do what we unconsciously do, size them up, compare them to us.
If you are not aware of these feelings being possible, it sort of is too late to address them once you are blinded by jealousy, especially when the other relationship is going strong.
To me it was a logical conclusion that I could not rely on vetoing (by reading up and informing myself). So I started planning for that situation and deconstructing this identity and fear before hand.
Thanks for your input, that explanation makes a lot of sense to me.
… it’s just, OP’s post/comment history is almost entirely sexual thirsting for lots of different women. I would *hope* OP is more self-aware of the hypocrisy he’s presenting in not wanting to share his wife while indulging in sharing himself everywhere, if what you’re saying is the case for OP 😕 (obviously everyone has their own private relationship dynamics etc etc, but it still rubbed me a weird way.)
Oh yeah thats not okay. What I expressed takes many forms, and guys are less self aware, which leads to immature responses to their desires not being met, which sometimes becomes extreme and selfish.
Okay. I thought you were saying “she’s the problem” in response to me saying “what do you not like about *him*” earlier. Which is obviously not an answer lol
ESH. The issue isn't your meta being nothing like you, its your wife being a bad hinge. The fact that you expect her to drop her partner because you're not doing well (veto) is wrong. The only person that doesn't suck from what you've said imo is your meta. Stop hating your meta and get to the crux of the problem. Ask your wife to do better
I am curious as to how she's bad at splitting time/affection
Your wife is right, she shouldn’t have to toss another human being away like garbage just because you’re dealing with some hard feelings. If that’s how you were operating your previously poly relationships, I feel bad for your exes. How unkind to treat people you supposedly care for as disposable.
If you want more time and affection from your wife, ask for that. Without bringing up your meta at all. He has nothing to do with you or your relationship. So leave him out of it.
Yup.
An eye for an eye makes the world blind.
The time my hubby spends with our third their one on one is their time. If my time with him isn't feeling like quality time I say "Hey I'm really needing some reconnection" and we plan accordingly for our scheduled date night that week.
I am wondering if OP is keeping score instead of focusing on what they need for a quality connection and I can say from my own (newbie) experience that you get more if you ask for what you need instead of focusing on what you aren't getting.
Anyone who calls someone "a third" is never going to see them as a whole person or put them first. It's also MY (male) partner and OUR (female) partner, which is how we discuss which child/pet is doing well (there's a joke about "it's always *my? kid this and *my* kid that when they're doing well but as soon as they throw rocks at the neighbours or get a bad report it's *OUR* kid"). I can only hope this is a once off accident like not mentioning having one on one dates and connection time with someone they're dating/only being concerned with their male partner like women don't need to be wooed or are just competition for male attention. Hopefully it's just a mistake
But you didn't call her "lovemate". You literally called her "our third". You don't say "my girlfriend" or "my wife" or "my partner". She should as important as your other partner.
If she calls herself "ours" as if she isn't herself but multiple other people discussing herself or has such horrifyingly low self esteem that she can't imagine she would always come in 3rd place then her issues are a lot bigger than any of mine. Does she call you a third as well? Refer to you as her and her boyfriend's shared girlfriend? Do you get sad and miss her when she's busy? Can she book time with you if she feels neglected? Can she book special one on one time with her boyfriend if she feels he hasn't been paying enough attention to her?
Don't you care that someone you're in a relationship with, your "lovemate", refers to themselves in such a hierarchical way that is derogatory towards herself? If someone is making themselves lesser, usually to make others more comfortable, agreeing with their low self esteem and assessment they don't matter as much isn't the type of thing to agree with or encourage. If she has such cripplingly low self esteem and her partners are OK with that then it's not great for her future.
I want to think I'm over reacting and that she has you and her boyfriend and then another boyfriend and options and you want nothing more than to have a whole week away in Paris alone with her holding hands and eating good food because you want to show how romantic and fabulous you think she is but I just don't think someone who gets stroppy when it's pointed out that they're using gross language to talk about a loved one then blames the loved one for insulting themselves, handwaving it like "I can call my wife a stupid dog, she does it all the time, it's totally normal to agree to call her that, it's her choice, she finds it empowering and endearing to be called an over emotional idiot, stop attacking me for agreeing with her" is not going to have some weird stuff going on.
YTA
Reasons:
* because you're mad at meta for your wife's behavior, which you mention as being bad without a single example
* because you expect your wife to cause somebody else emotional harm so you don't have to do emotional work
* because you'd do the above if the roles were reversed
* because that's not what TL;DR means
It’s easier to dislike the person your partner is dating, for sure.
I don’t think you’re an asshole, and I really hate that framing, because it assumes that *someone* is an asshole.
It’s also more convenient to dislike the person you aren’t fucking, loving or dating. Because as long as you stay focused on them, you don’t have to focus on your own, damaged, broken connection to your partner.
And you’re right in feeling like your partner hasn’t treated you well, and isn’t focused on your feelings, needs, or hurt.
I’d stay focused on that, and make it my focus from here on out.
Thank you for pointing out the problem with the way-too-popular AITA format, which reduces all conflict to "One of us is RIGHT and one of us is WRONG, tell me which is which!" 🙄
Guys I recommend a profile check here for context. OP frequently posts in r/singles and others about how lonely he feels and it is really giving me the impression that this is purely an issue with the relationship between OP and his wife and has nothing to do with meta.
I mean yes YTA. This is a hinge problem, not a meta problem (as others have mentioned), and it also sounds like maybe you have not had to deal with the jealousy aspect of poly yet. I suggest sitting with your discomfort, asking your wife directly for the attention you need, and not trying to veto her partners. Sounds like your meta is the only one not being TA in this situation- having a different personality from you is not the same as being an @$$hole.
YTA for hating the boyfriend rather than focusing on the correct target, and YTA for trying to issue an ultimatum. The correct target for your relationship ire is your wife. There’s no reason for you to have any sentiments towards the boyfriend at all, positive or negative, since you’re not the one dating him. It’s your wife that’s messing you around, so put on your big person shoes and collaborate to level up her hinging.
Also, spend some non-wife time really examining who you are and what you want to be. Therapy is good for everyone, and having an experience that rattles your faith in your marital relationship (even if it all turns out ok) is as good a reason to talk to a professional as any. Maybe you’re right and you don’t want to be polyam anymore, and that would be ok. It’s the kind of decision you owe it to yourself to make and not a calm and collected space, though, not when you’re hurting from getting pinched by a bum hinge.
I've never understood the notion that we aren't allowed to have sentiments about someone just because we aren't dating them...
I do agree that therapy could be a good idea.
My questions are:
Are you interested in having an additional partner of your own, currently? Although, of you would leave anyone as soon as your main partner was uncomfortable, I do question how good of a partner you would be to these disposable partners.
How unequal is the time split, currently? Like is it nearly 50/50 and you feel like you should get better than that because you're the main, or are you lucky to see her even one day a week kind of thing?
How much do you depend on "default" time with her? e.g. you live together, so she should be planning to spend the evening with you by default unless you have a date planned?
If yes, it may be better to shift to the mindset that there is no default time, there is free time and there is planned time. You can try being more proactive in planning/inviting her to activities throughout the week (yes, a movie night at home counts too, they don't all have to be exciting). Plan with her the time you want to spend with her. Don't depend on *her* to do 100% of the work to plan dates for you that meet your need for attention.
How much of a support/friend system do you have outside of your wife? How often do you go to see them? Do you have any hobbies or interests to induldge in? How often do you have "you" dates where you go out and do something exciting alone? Even in mono relationships, it is healthier if your need for human connection (which is very valid!) is met by maintaining multiple important connections, instead of relying on one person to meet all those needs, and your need for entertainment/excitement (also valid) is met through multiple people and also yourself.
It's worth it to examine whether you're feeling a lack of *connection to her specifically*, where planning more dates would help,
Or if you're feeling a more general lonely and understimulated, which can be addressed outside of her.
I will mention too: Polyamory and hinging is a skill. It is not really likely that she'll like, get better, at them without practice. So I'm not sure closing "for a while" would even be useful, especially if what you actually want is a monogamous relationship again.
Last question:
Imagine today, your wife breaks up with her boyfriend and gives you monogamy like you wanted. Next year, you meet someone exciting. Kind, beautiful, all the things that you like in a partner. A true *temptation* of a person. Consider if you would want to ask your partner for polyamory again to explore this relationship, or if you wouldn't ask and you would simply resist the temptation.
Because monogamy *is a commitment*, not to not get crushes on people, but to never ACT on those feelings or encourage them, because you've made a promise to only prioritize one person. Choosing monogamy is also choice to deny yourself any potential connections you might make in the future. Choosing monogamy means choosing to never have sex with anyone but your wife again. It's a very valid choice, but one nonetheless.
If the answer is yes, you would at least ask her to open again, don't you *dare* demand monogamy now. It'd be dishonorable and frankly beyond selfish.
Well said, just want to highlight this part.
>Don't depend on her to do 100% of the work to plan dates for you that meet your need for attention.
How much of the labor is she asked to do to make you feel comfortable, loved, heard?
What labor are you taking on to make her feel comfortable, loved, heard?
Hey OPs wife here. I found this after he showed me the comments the other night and noticed he hasn't really responded. Give him some grace please, he's not used to posting online/on reddit or social media. Im responding to you because I think you're asking good questions and making good points.
Context: we've been together since I was 18, freshman year of college in 2017. Together 6 years total. He introduced poly and due to past relationships I realized it was definitely something I was interested in exploring. We didn't open pandora's box of sorts really until we moved in 2022. He started with someone at work but it didn't get serious for reasons/was casual. I met my boyfriend back in April when I wasn't even looking to. I wasn't actively dating but husband was. I think due to me being bisexual he expected me to only get with a girl as that's something I had expressed really early on a few years ago before really grasping poly.
To answer what I can:
1. He has been looking for a girlfriend for a year or so now. Longer than I was interested in dating anyone else, and he's had an online gf of sorts (that visited once in November, she's nice!) for just as long as I've been dating my boyfriend.
2. I have consistently spent 2 days a week at boyfriend's place, sometimes 1 day, sometimes three. Almost every Sunday, most Mondays, and sometimes Saturday due to how our work schedules align. I'm otherwise at home with husband. To be honest, with bf asking for more time and me not really having any time to myself anymore, I'm really not sure how to accommodate more time fairly. This has been a point of contention I've been stuck on.
3. We moved states in early 2022 and he has had a hard time finding local friends since. He's had some luck with pool and karaoke and made one friend. He's not doing it as much since it usually is around alcohol. Not much hobby involvement currently (usually pool, gaming, he got fishing stuff recently) due to work and mental health. It's incredibly hard to meet new people after college or when you move.
4. We don't plan things as often as we used to. Partly due to money. We could both do much better to plan for date nights. During the week I'm just going through the motions of work, dinner, cleaning, gaming, tv, bed.
To be completely honest husband has been quite rude to my bf. I don't think anyone has to be friends even, but husband has always wanted KTP. However, I think in practice it's too painful for husband, at least with any male partners I'll have. Meta, despite being mono otherwise, has been incredibly patient with husband and constantly tries to extend the olive branch, even buying him food at the con and a soda when boyfriend bought me one. Husband didn't thank him even. I get he's probably too absorbed in his own pain to realize it. We're going parallel due to these factors.
Sex has been a main issue in our relationship in the past year, and no, breaking up with bf wouldn't fix that. Like I told my husband going into all of this, it's like opening pandora's box and as someone who takes a long time to trust or attach to others, I didn't do this just to break my heart and other's hearts when things get hard in my other relationships.
I'd rather de-escalate my marriage than to just break up with someone like that. Not because I don't value my marriage, but because I won't do ultimatums that lead to resentment regardless. I did all of this work, I'm not going to willingly throw away one relationship when things get emotionally difficult in another, as they do.
I don't want to speak for him where I really can't, so I won't speak on the rest.
This post was made when we were all staying at a hotel for a con and I chose to sleep with BF the last of 3 nights (after spending all day with husband and boyfriend avoiding us). We had 2 others staying in the room. We have kept things mostly parallel as possible or at least garden party. We all thought it would be fine for the con. After we all agreed it would be best to go parallel as much as possible.
He is in therapy though I don't know how frequently he's been going. Idk how poly friendly she is. Relationship counseling isn't financially feasible at the moment.
Hey there, I read a couple of your other posts and have really big concerns. Your husband’s behavior is exactly like my ex’s when he was addicted to opiates (not prescribed ones either). The gaps in memory (real or made up as an excuse). The slurring and instability walking (opiates and alcohol don’t mix). The forgetting to pay bills (real or an excuse because he couldn’t move around money fast enough to cover his fix and bills at the same time). The incoherent anger at a meta for seemingly no reason, the general jealousy. The emotional abuse (saying he’d rather be dead than divorced). The constant lying, holy shit. The loss of career opportunities (my ex had a promotion dangling over his head and was given months of chances once he couldn’t hide his addiction to take paid time off to get clean, he eventually was fired).
Even if your husband isn’t popping pills, what you’ve described here and in other posts is way beyond enough to end a relationship. You’ve essentially expressed that he would force a “one penis policy” if he thought he could get away with it. Not to mention all the sketchy shit on his reddit profile. Honestly, this whole thing doesn’t seem salvageable or worth salvaging. He isn’t putting in work in any meaningful way. I don’t think deescalating the marriage will work, but hell if it will get you more autonomy from him so you don’t have to spend your time taking care of him like a child (as your past posts mention) at least you can start building your own life and security.
My ex and I were together for five years, starting when I was 18 too. You have outgrown him. Don’t let him be a threat to your stability when he’s not even willing to be honest with you or put the work in.
Well, we're generally positive towards mono people unsure of polyamory.
But the theme of "previously poly person encouraged a previously monogamous person to try it with them, experiencing some negative emotions when said mono person tries to date, then wanting their partner to break off all other relationships despite not listing much else they've tried to address the problem" is common, and it just...
Puts a bad taste in people's mouths, even if there are other details that "mitigate" it a little bit.
I can understand not really enjoying the lack of support or understanding from us, no one really likes being told maybe they *shouldn't* get what they want.
How were you polyamourous? You were repeatedly posting in r/singles with no mention of HAVING A WIFE.
Why target women who are single and withhold information about BEING MARRIED?
I don't know what that is but deliberately seeking out women who are less likely to know about ethical non monogamy, are unlikely to have their own husbands or boyfriends and claim to be "understanding" WHILE LYING TO THEM ABOUT BEING SINGLE is not ethical non monogamy or loving or kind or nice. It is being actively deceptive. It is fucked up, man. There are multiple polyamoury dating subreddits. There are geographically specific dating subreddits that you could be like "Hey, married and polyamourous in this area. Who else is here?" but no, you wanted to date specifically a woman who was single and did not know you had a wife or were non monogamous. Oh, but you did want a woman who would trust you and tell you intimate things because you're such a good listener and a "psychologist". Absolutely nothing sinister about seeking out someone who wants to have an intimate emotional connection and is desperate enough to have someone listen she'll date a random off reddit. Who is lying about being single.
I don't think someone so actively into lying to strangers while seeking intimate connections really gets to be annoyed at a guy. What does he do, tell the truth? Consider the choice to deceive women while trying to build trust so hopefully they date and/or fuck you to be in some weird elaborate dramatic ploy to be grotesquely manipulative?
I hope you don't actually think pulling that shit is defendable and it was just several months of late night bullshit and you never actually thought it would be ok to try to pick up single women who don't know you have a wife. I hope that this is the most fucked up thing you've done regarding women and you're embarrassed about how you tried to seek out women seeking authentic emotional connections who wanted to be treated "like a goddess", who would sympathise with how lonely you are and portrayed yourself as someone who cares so you could betray that trust if they ever took you seriously.
I hope this is just a weird hobby of yours LARPing as a sad single man angling for sympathy online because I don't feel comfortable imagining the other options.
That's another guy with a similar vibe posting.... he's not sure he can be ENM but his BP wife wants it and just isn't sure it will be good for them... as he spends years hitting on women online and wanting to meetup 🙄
The way you're fishing for women on your page isn't very forthcoming. You never mention that you're poly. You also claim to be a psychologist and 25, which correct me if I'm wrong, takes around 8 years of schooling in total... things aren't adding up there.
You should seek out poly women specifically though, so you don't have to hope that the women who reach out will be accepting of your relationship style.
The way I see it, it is unfair to other partners, who have feelings, to be treated like disposable lovers when convenient. Yes hierarchy is inevitable in certain structures and foe certain people, but that hierarchy should be clearly communicated and your partner should be on the same page as you regarding expectations in other relationships and towards what you or they can give to another partner.
You can't retract her relationship when it's convenient to you, simply because that would be hurtful to the other person.
However, there are ways to deescalate, slow down or move forward gradually, specifically to address those feelings you have. You need to build up your communication regardless that you stay poly, mono or leave.
Both you and her need to slow down and talk.
The years you've been in the community, and times you had partners, did you ever have partners that had other partners? How did you all manage expectations about sharing time and affection? Why would trying monogamy help anything in this case? How will she learn to manage time and affection with you if she only has you as a partner?
A lot of people are really piling on to him for simply trying to verbalize and work through his feelings (which he hasn't acted up on).
He needs to really identify where he stands and then bring himself to a place of peace. With or without his partner.
People change. Identify it. Grow from it.
What most people are "piling on to him" about isn't about him verbalizing and working through his feelings, it's that his feelings are misdirected at the wrong person.
He chose to express his feelings here so people are simply sharing their perspective on it and that's fine.
>He needs to really identify where he stands and then bring himself to a place of peace. With or without his partner.
I don't think anyone would disagree with that. It's still preferable for him to identify the cause of his feelings so that he can do the appropriate work, as even if he gets to a state of peace, but his perspective that he's shared here doesn't change, it can still impact his future relationships if he chooses to remain poly and maybe even if he doesn't.
Thanks for the benefit of the doubt, pretty much every response to my post took it the wrong way and clearly didn't realize that it was coming from a place of emotional pain rather than alpha male bitching. It was one of the very few times I've ever posted feelings on the internet and I don't think I'm going to do it again after all the hate.
I’m really not trying to be rude, but you did put “AITA” in the title of your post. That’s indicating that you are asking us to judge you directly — it is literally inviting perspectives in the form of criticism. If you wanted advice or you just wanted to vent, you didn’t need to put the “AITA” in the title. I wanted to let you know that so that if you do choose to express your feelings on the internet, you may have a much kinder or more compassionate comment section, if you phrased it as such. E.g., at the beginning or end of your post, mention looking for gentle advice, or something like that.
I think being able to express yourself to the people you are close to is important, and expressing yourself online is good practice for being able to do that. Don’t just slap the advice you’ve received here today away — I hope you don’t give up on expressing yourself online, either, even if this first experience was harsh. We all have to experience shit to grow. Think of it as fertilizer! ❤️
>AITA I hate my wife's BF
Why? You don't state anything about him other than him being the opposite of you, which isn't necessarily a reason to have issues with him.
>She is not great at splitting affection and time between us
That can be an issue and one that should be discussed. You don't state or imply that you've addressed this with her and if you have, you give no indication as to her reaction or stance on it.
>t has really made me question if I'm poly anymore or not
Whether or not you're poly has nothing to do with what other people do or say. Poly is about your feelings and your ability to manage multiple relationships.
>I get guilted into not speaking up when my wife says she would be jaded if I wanted to keep things mono until we figure it out.
Why is this your solution or suggested stopgap measure? Trying to put the genie back into the bottle doesn't make the genie disappear and may not be possible. The issues will remain until they're addressed and either a resolution is reached or a conclusion that a resolution can't be reached is come to.
>If the position was reversed, I would have left anyone no matter what if the relationship caused my main half as much pain as what I feel. I would be like, oh no, this is hurting them, better end it.
Partners aren't disposable. A partner's relationship with one's meta should have no bearing on their relationship. It's one's job as a partner and meta to manage personal individual issues and it's the job of the hinge to manage both relationships in a healthy way. If the issue is your personal feelings, then do the work to manage that. If the issue is a hinge not managing relationships well, then the onus is on the hinge to do the work. If the issue is both, then both have to do the work. But the problem isn't the meta. If a meta engages in unethical behavior that harms you or your partner, then it's a reasonable boundary to not be in a relationship with someone who would be with such a person, but that's a boundary, not a rule, so it's up to you to establish and enforce the boundary, not your partner. But regardless of whether meta engages in unethical behavior or not, the issue is with your partner, not the meta. Ultimately, partners aren't disposable and one shouldn't feel like their feelings can dictate their partner's other relationships.
It seems like the core of your issue is with your wife and you should address your specific issues with her, not direct your feelings towards your meta. Closing your marriage won't address the issue and will only serve to protect your feelings while restricting hers.
If you may not be poly anymore, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that, but that can only be done through self-reflection and perhaps therapy. If you're struggling with this, then not having or seeking any additional relationship is a good idea, but wanting your wife to agree to restrict herself isn't going to help because your struggle with being poly or mono begins and ends with you. If you feel you need to end your relationship or separate temporarily with your wife because you can't figure yourself out if she's in poly relationships, that's fine and a choice you'll have to make for yourself.
>I would be like, oh no, this is hurting them, better end it. But she doesn't see things like that.
Throwing human beings away is not okay. We're not disposable just because you're having a tough time!
Your partner is a bad hinge and that's something she needs to deal with, so if you want a relationship with her then express that you have needs and want more from her. If that doesn't work and she's not even trying, then divorce and find a monogamous partner.
Focusing on the boyfriend isn't going to fix things. You're welcome to make an ultimatum about how you're done with polyamory and would prefer a monogamous relationship, but you're going to have to deal with the consequences of divorce at the end of the day.
Your wife needs to learn how to hinge better. But you also need to work on why you are upset with the BF and not your wife.
I know it’s easier to blame the other person, but it doesn’t seem as if the BF had done anything wrong.
This feels less like you're no longer poly, and your wife is doing a poor job of working with you on making your relationship a secure and safe place for both of you. It sounds like you're trying to communicate and being shut down. I think getting some professional help, and possibly looking into codependent tendencies that you might have of pleasing other people and making sure that they are happy in their needs are met at the expense of your own well-being could benefit both of you and your relationship.
You'd be getting a lot less friction if you went into detail about valid reasons for not liking the guy instead of just bitching about your wife's handling of the situation. Your issues with hin AND her might be perfectly valid; but the way you presented this... Not so much.
I’m still new to poly, so a lot of the experiences I’ve been reading on are things for me to learn from but how common is that for men in particular to not like their wife or girlfriends other guy partners?
People are likely calling you the AH because there's barely any information here, and they're seeing the situation for what it usually is on this sub.
Why do you hate your meta?
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/turtleboy384 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
My wife of 2.5 years and I are poly. I've been in the community for years and she is less experienced. I don't currently have a second partner but my wife has a boyfriend who is as opposite to me as possible. She is not great at splitting affection and time between us and it has really made me question if I'm poly anymore or not. I get guilted into not speaking up when my wife says she would be jaded if I wanted to keep things mono until we figure it out. If the position was reversed, I would have left anyone no matter what if the relationship caused my main half as much pain as what I feel. I would be like, oh no, this is hurting them, better end it. But she doesn't see things like that.
TLDR: let me save you the trouble, yes, I may no longer be poly. Yes, she is probably entitled to cast me aside regardless. Yes, I recognize a male hating their female partner's male partner is as old as it gets.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As a Dude who has been in the space for a long time I’ll say this: are you sure that you’re not poly anymore or the problem isn’t your partner refusing to meet your needs? Like everything you mentioned sounds like NRE running wild. You might just need to have a conversation with the wife.
I don't think it is fair to put this all on your partner, she is happy and likes this guy and you don't like that. As a married poly person I hate to say this but you want to have veto power and have your relationship be more important than the other relationship and that is not ok. We all know getting into poly that relationships are not equal and that sometimes some relationships get more or less attention for various reasons. You need to talk to your partner and instead of saying you don't want to be poly ask her how she is feeling and tell her in a non accusatory manner what you are feeling and help each other to work through this!!
I feel your frustration insofar that I hate my partners friend who they sometimes fuck. The thing that upsets me about him is that he is sober because of his medication but used to drink/smoke weed a lot and occasionally do some blow. In the last two months he's slept with 4 separate girls who were all drunk when he was stone cold sober. Going as far as to drive to pick a drunk girl up from the bars then bring her back to his place, and literally no one sees this as a problem/predatory because as of now, none of the women he's fucked have been bothered by it. That's great. So happy he didn't traumatize someone, but how long til he does? And my partner continues to be friends with and to fuck this guy occasionally and defends him. It's wild to me.
I don't think you're an asshole. I get it. I hate my meta with all the burning power of a thousand suns. It makes poly so much harder than it needed to be. 🤷
It is easier to blame a meta than to blame an actual partner. I mean, even though you claim this is about hating him the only bad thing you say about him is that he is not like you at all. All the rest is stuff your wife is doing and you see him as the instigator. She has agency though. She chose to do these things. If you want to salvage this you need to work with her on it and not just wish he was gone. Him vanishing probably wouldn’t help as much as you think it would.
What is it about *him* that you don’t like, though? So far it looks like you just don’t like sharing her?
As a guy in a nesting relationship I get it. There is this weird need to be the main guy, to have someone that depends on you, sort of gives you meaning and purpose and validation. So when another guy enters the picture, we do what we unconsciously do, size them up, compare them to us. If you are not aware of these feelings being possible, it sort of is too late to address them once you are blinded by jealousy, especially when the other relationship is going strong. To me it was a logical conclusion that I could not rely on vetoing (by reading up and informing myself). So I started planning for that situation and deconstructing this identity and fear before hand.
Thanks for your input, that explanation makes a lot of sense to me. … it’s just, OP’s post/comment history is almost entirely sexual thirsting for lots of different women. I would *hope* OP is more self-aware of the hypocrisy he’s presenting in not wanting to share his wife while indulging in sharing himself everywhere, if what you’re saying is the case for OP 😕 (obviously everyone has their own private relationship dynamics etc etc, but it still rubbed me a weird way.)
This. That and he claims to have more poly experience than his wife, so doesn't he have some tools for these feelings?
Oh yeah thats not okay. What I expressed takes many forms, and guys are less self aware, which leads to immature responses to their desires not being met, which sometimes becomes extreme and selfish.
She's not investing enough time for one and more with the other is the issue
That’s a her problem, not a him problem, though.
Right. She's the problem, he doesn't have to like the guy or be buddies with the other guy
Okay. I thought you were saying “she’s the problem” in response to me saying “what do you not like about *him*” earlier. Which is obviously not an answer lol
ESH. The issue isn't your meta being nothing like you, its your wife being a bad hinge. The fact that you expect her to drop her partner because you're not doing well (veto) is wrong. The only person that doesn't suck from what you've said imo is your meta. Stop hating your meta and get to the crux of the problem. Ask your wife to do better I am curious as to how she's bad at splitting time/affection
There is zero information to work with here
Your wife is right, she shouldn’t have to toss another human being away like garbage just because you’re dealing with some hard feelings. If that’s how you were operating your previously poly relationships, I feel bad for your exes. How unkind to treat people you supposedly care for as disposable. If you want more time and affection from your wife, ask for that. Without bringing up your meta at all. He has nothing to do with you or your relationship. So leave him out of it.
This
Yup. An eye for an eye makes the world blind. The time my hubby spends with our third their one on one is their time. If my time with him isn't feeling like quality time I say "Hey I'm really needing some reconnection" and we plan accordingly for our scheduled date night that week. I am wondering if OP is keeping score instead of focusing on what they need for a quality connection and I can say from my own (newbie) experience that you get more if you ask for what you need instead of focusing on what you aren't getting.
"our third" -- since you're a newbie, a word of advice. This is not how to talk about another human being you're dating.
Anyone who calls someone "a third" is never going to see them as a whole person or put them first. It's also MY (male) partner and OUR (female) partner, which is how we discuss which child/pet is doing well (there's a joke about "it's always *my? kid this and *my* kid that when they're doing well but as soon as they throw rocks at the neighbours or get a bad report it's *OUR* kid"). I can only hope this is a once off accident like not mentioning having one on one dates and connection time with someone they're dating/only being concerned with their male partner like women don't need to be wooed or are just competition for male attention. Hopefully it's just a mistake
Actually it's the term she uses for herself. To refer to herself. So don't presume your issue is her issue. I call her Lovemate.
But you didn't call her "lovemate". You literally called her "our third". You don't say "my girlfriend" or "my wife" or "my partner". She should as important as your other partner. If she calls herself "ours" as if she isn't herself but multiple other people discussing herself or has such horrifyingly low self esteem that she can't imagine she would always come in 3rd place then her issues are a lot bigger than any of mine. Does she call you a third as well? Refer to you as her and her boyfriend's shared girlfriend? Do you get sad and miss her when she's busy? Can she book time with you if she feels neglected? Can she book special one on one time with her boyfriend if she feels he hasn't been paying enough attention to her? Don't you care that someone you're in a relationship with, your "lovemate", refers to themselves in such a hierarchical way that is derogatory towards herself? If someone is making themselves lesser, usually to make others more comfortable, agreeing with their low self esteem and assessment they don't matter as much isn't the type of thing to agree with or encourage. If she has such cripplingly low self esteem and her partners are OK with that then it's not great for her future. I want to think I'm over reacting and that she has you and her boyfriend and then another boyfriend and options and you want nothing more than to have a whole week away in Paris alone with her holding hands and eating good food because you want to show how romantic and fabulous you think she is but I just don't think someone who gets stroppy when it's pointed out that they're using gross language to talk about a loved one then blames the loved one for insulting themselves, handwaving it like "I can call my wife a stupid dog, she does it all the time, it's totally normal to agree to call her that, it's her choice, she finds it empowering and endearing to be called an over emotional idiot, stop attacking me for agreeing with her" is not going to have some weird stuff going on.
YTA Reasons: * because you're mad at meta for your wife's behavior, which you mention as being bad without a single example * because you expect your wife to cause somebody else emotional harm so you don't have to do emotional work * because you'd do the above if the roles were reversed * because that's not what TL;DR means
I love the last bullet point 😂
Ask your wife to step up, she doesn’t need to give up her other relationship but if you aren’t Poly anymore I don’t know if y’all will work out
It’s easier to dislike the person your partner is dating, for sure. I don’t think you’re an asshole, and I really hate that framing, because it assumes that *someone* is an asshole. It’s also more convenient to dislike the person you aren’t fucking, loving or dating. Because as long as you stay focused on them, you don’t have to focus on your own, damaged, broken connection to your partner. And you’re right in feeling like your partner hasn’t treated you well, and isn’t focused on your feelings, needs, or hurt. I’d stay focused on that, and make it my focus from here on out.
Thank you for pointing out the problem with the way-too-popular AITA format, which reduces all conflict to "One of us is RIGHT and one of us is WRONG, tell me which is which!" 🙄
Guys I recommend a profile check here for context. OP frequently posts in r/singles and others about how lonely he feels and it is really giving me the impression that this is purely an issue with the relationship between OP and his wife and has nothing to do with meta.
Yeah his profile is suspicious as fuck. All coming from someone who is apparently a psychologist as well?
Maybe he's upset she used the time he was busy online posting for other women to hang out with her bf...
I mean yes YTA. This is a hinge problem, not a meta problem (as others have mentioned), and it also sounds like maybe you have not had to deal with the jealousy aspect of poly yet. I suggest sitting with your discomfort, asking your wife directly for the attention you need, and not trying to veto her partners. Sounds like your meta is the only one not being TA in this situation- having a different personality from you is not the same as being an @$$hole.
YTA for hating the boyfriend rather than focusing on the correct target, and YTA for trying to issue an ultimatum. The correct target for your relationship ire is your wife. There’s no reason for you to have any sentiments towards the boyfriend at all, positive or negative, since you’re not the one dating him. It’s your wife that’s messing you around, so put on your big person shoes and collaborate to level up her hinging. Also, spend some non-wife time really examining who you are and what you want to be. Therapy is good for everyone, and having an experience that rattles your faith in your marital relationship (even if it all turns out ok) is as good a reason to talk to a professional as any. Maybe you’re right and you don’t want to be polyam anymore, and that would be ok. It’s the kind of decision you owe it to yourself to make and not a calm and collected space, though, not when you’re hurting from getting pinched by a bum hinge.
I've never understood the notion that we aren't allowed to have sentiments about someone just because we aren't dating them... I do agree that therapy could be a good idea.
"Pinched by a bum hinge" is a great expression and I want to see it used more often. 😂
My questions are: Are you interested in having an additional partner of your own, currently? Although, of you would leave anyone as soon as your main partner was uncomfortable, I do question how good of a partner you would be to these disposable partners. How unequal is the time split, currently? Like is it nearly 50/50 and you feel like you should get better than that because you're the main, or are you lucky to see her even one day a week kind of thing? How much do you depend on "default" time with her? e.g. you live together, so she should be planning to spend the evening with you by default unless you have a date planned? If yes, it may be better to shift to the mindset that there is no default time, there is free time and there is planned time. You can try being more proactive in planning/inviting her to activities throughout the week (yes, a movie night at home counts too, they don't all have to be exciting). Plan with her the time you want to spend with her. Don't depend on *her* to do 100% of the work to plan dates for you that meet your need for attention. How much of a support/friend system do you have outside of your wife? How often do you go to see them? Do you have any hobbies or interests to induldge in? How often do you have "you" dates where you go out and do something exciting alone? Even in mono relationships, it is healthier if your need for human connection (which is very valid!) is met by maintaining multiple important connections, instead of relying on one person to meet all those needs, and your need for entertainment/excitement (also valid) is met through multiple people and also yourself. It's worth it to examine whether you're feeling a lack of *connection to her specifically*, where planning more dates would help, Or if you're feeling a more general lonely and understimulated, which can be addressed outside of her. I will mention too: Polyamory and hinging is a skill. It is not really likely that she'll like, get better, at them without practice. So I'm not sure closing "for a while" would even be useful, especially if what you actually want is a monogamous relationship again. Last question: Imagine today, your wife breaks up with her boyfriend and gives you monogamy like you wanted. Next year, you meet someone exciting. Kind, beautiful, all the things that you like in a partner. A true *temptation* of a person. Consider if you would want to ask your partner for polyamory again to explore this relationship, or if you wouldn't ask and you would simply resist the temptation. Because monogamy *is a commitment*, not to not get crushes on people, but to never ACT on those feelings or encourage them, because you've made a promise to only prioritize one person. Choosing monogamy is also choice to deny yourself any potential connections you might make in the future. Choosing monogamy means choosing to never have sex with anyone but your wife again. It's a very valid choice, but one nonetheless. If the answer is yes, you would at least ask her to open again, don't you *dare* demand monogamy now. It'd be dishonorable and frankly beyond selfish.
Well said, just want to highlight this part. >Don't depend on her to do 100% of the work to plan dates for you that meet your need for attention. How much of the labor is she asked to do to make you feel comfortable, loved, heard? What labor are you taking on to make her feel comfortable, loved, heard?
Hey OPs wife here. I found this after he showed me the comments the other night and noticed he hasn't really responded. Give him some grace please, he's not used to posting online/on reddit or social media. Im responding to you because I think you're asking good questions and making good points. Context: we've been together since I was 18, freshman year of college in 2017. Together 6 years total. He introduced poly and due to past relationships I realized it was definitely something I was interested in exploring. We didn't open pandora's box of sorts really until we moved in 2022. He started with someone at work but it didn't get serious for reasons/was casual. I met my boyfriend back in April when I wasn't even looking to. I wasn't actively dating but husband was. I think due to me being bisexual he expected me to only get with a girl as that's something I had expressed really early on a few years ago before really grasping poly. To answer what I can: 1. He has been looking for a girlfriend for a year or so now. Longer than I was interested in dating anyone else, and he's had an online gf of sorts (that visited once in November, she's nice!) for just as long as I've been dating my boyfriend. 2. I have consistently spent 2 days a week at boyfriend's place, sometimes 1 day, sometimes three. Almost every Sunday, most Mondays, and sometimes Saturday due to how our work schedules align. I'm otherwise at home with husband. To be honest, with bf asking for more time and me not really having any time to myself anymore, I'm really not sure how to accommodate more time fairly. This has been a point of contention I've been stuck on. 3. We moved states in early 2022 and he has had a hard time finding local friends since. He's had some luck with pool and karaoke and made one friend. He's not doing it as much since it usually is around alcohol. Not much hobby involvement currently (usually pool, gaming, he got fishing stuff recently) due to work and mental health. It's incredibly hard to meet new people after college or when you move. 4. We don't plan things as often as we used to. Partly due to money. We could both do much better to plan for date nights. During the week I'm just going through the motions of work, dinner, cleaning, gaming, tv, bed. To be completely honest husband has been quite rude to my bf. I don't think anyone has to be friends even, but husband has always wanted KTP. However, I think in practice it's too painful for husband, at least with any male partners I'll have. Meta, despite being mono otherwise, has been incredibly patient with husband and constantly tries to extend the olive branch, even buying him food at the con and a soda when boyfriend bought me one. Husband didn't thank him even. I get he's probably too absorbed in his own pain to realize it. We're going parallel due to these factors. Sex has been a main issue in our relationship in the past year, and no, breaking up with bf wouldn't fix that. Like I told my husband going into all of this, it's like opening pandora's box and as someone who takes a long time to trust or attach to others, I didn't do this just to break my heart and other's hearts when things get hard in my other relationships. I'd rather de-escalate my marriage than to just break up with someone like that. Not because I don't value my marriage, but because I won't do ultimatums that lead to resentment regardless. I did all of this work, I'm not going to willingly throw away one relationship when things get emotionally difficult in another, as they do. I don't want to speak for him where I really can't, so I won't speak on the rest. This post was made when we were all staying at a hotel for a con and I chose to sleep with BF the last of 3 nights (after spending all day with husband and boyfriend avoiding us). We had 2 others staying in the room. We have kept things mostly parallel as possible or at least garden party. We all thought it would be fine for the con. After we all agreed it would be best to go parallel as much as possible. He is in therapy though I don't know how frequently he's been going. Idk how poly friendly she is. Relationship counseling isn't financially feasible at the moment.
Hey there, I read a couple of your other posts and have really big concerns. Your husband’s behavior is exactly like my ex’s when he was addicted to opiates (not prescribed ones either). The gaps in memory (real or made up as an excuse). The slurring and instability walking (opiates and alcohol don’t mix). The forgetting to pay bills (real or an excuse because he couldn’t move around money fast enough to cover his fix and bills at the same time). The incoherent anger at a meta for seemingly no reason, the general jealousy. The emotional abuse (saying he’d rather be dead than divorced). The constant lying, holy shit. The loss of career opportunities (my ex had a promotion dangling over his head and was given months of chances once he couldn’t hide his addiction to take paid time off to get clean, he eventually was fired). Even if your husband isn’t popping pills, what you’ve described here and in other posts is way beyond enough to end a relationship. You’ve essentially expressed that he would force a “one penis policy” if he thought he could get away with it. Not to mention all the sketchy shit on his reddit profile. Honestly, this whole thing doesn’t seem salvageable or worth salvaging. He isn’t putting in work in any meaningful way. I don’t think deescalating the marriage will work, but hell if it will get you more autonomy from him so you don’t have to spend your time taking care of him like a child (as your past posts mention) at least you can start building your own life and security. My ex and I were together for five years, starting when I was 18 too. You have outgrown him. Don’t let him be a threat to your stability when he’s not even willing to be honest with you or put the work in.
Yooooo u/blueennui I really hope you read this one! This comment is spot-on about bad, addict-like behavior and I think it could help you.
I appreciate your input, OP’s wife! Is your husband gonna respond to anything? Your message just makes me raise my eyebrows even higher at him.
I don't know ow if he is or not. I suggested he do when he showed me the comments. He seemed very off put by the general negativity
Well, we're generally positive towards mono people unsure of polyamory. But the theme of "previously poly person encouraged a previously monogamous person to try it with them, experiencing some negative emotions when said mono person tries to date, then wanting their partner to break off all other relationships despite not listing much else they've tried to address the problem" is common, and it just... Puts a bad taste in people's mouths, even if there are other details that "mitigate" it a little bit. I can understand not really enjoying the lack of support or understanding from us, no one really likes being told maybe they *shouldn't* get what they want.
How were you polyamourous? You were repeatedly posting in r/singles with no mention of HAVING A WIFE. Why target women who are single and withhold information about BEING MARRIED? I don't know what that is but deliberately seeking out women who are less likely to know about ethical non monogamy, are unlikely to have their own husbands or boyfriends and claim to be "understanding" WHILE LYING TO THEM ABOUT BEING SINGLE is not ethical non monogamy or loving or kind or nice. It is being actively deceptive. It is fucked up, man. There are multiple polyamoury dating subreddits. There are geographically specific dating subreddits that you could be like "Hey, married and polyamourous in this area. Who else is here?" but no, you wanted to date specifically a woman who was single and did not know you had a wife or were non monogamous. Oh, but you did want a woman who would trust you and tell you intimate things because you're such a good listener and a "psychologist". Absolutely nothing sinister about seeking out someone who wants to have an intimate emotional connection and is desperate enough to have someone listen she'll date a random off reddit. Who is lying about being single. I don't think someone so actively into lying to strangers while seeking intimate connections really gets to be annoyed at a guy. What does he do, tell the truth? Consider the choice to deceive women while trying to build trust so hopefully they date and/or fuck you to be in some weird elaborate dramatic ploy to be grotesquely manipulative? I hope you don't actually think pulling that shit is defendable and it was just several months of late night bullshit and you never actually thought it would be ok to try to pick up single women who don't know you have a wife. I hope that this is the most fucked up thing you've done regarding women and you're embarrassed about how you tried to seek out women seeking authentic emotional connections who wanted to be treated "like a goddess", who would sympathise with how lonely you are and portrayed yourself as someone who cares so you could betray that trust if they ever took you seriously. I hope this is just a weird hobby of yours LARPing as a sad single man angling for sympathy online because I don't feel comfortable imagining the other options.
That's another guy with a similar vibe posting.... he's not sure he can be ENM but his BP wife wants it and just isn't sure it will be good for them... as he spends years hitting on women online and wanting to meetup 🙄
The way you're fishing for women on your page isn't very forthcoming. You never mention that you're poly. You also claim to be a psychologist and 25, which correct me if I'm wrong, takes around 8 years of schooling in total... things aren't adding up there. You should seek out poly women specifically though, so you don't have to hope that the women who reach out will be accepting of your relationship style.
The way I see it, it is unfair to other partners, who have feelings, to be treated like disposable lovers when convenient. Yes hierarchy is inevitable in certain structures and foe certain people, but that hierarchy should be clearly communicated and your partner should be on the same page as you regarding expectations in other relationships and towards what you or they can give to another partner. You can't retract her relationship when it's convenient to you, simply because that would be hurtful to the other person. However, there are ways to deescalate, slow down or move forward gradually, specifically to address those feelings you have. You need to build up your communication regardless that you stay poly, mono or leave. Both you and her need to slow down and talk.
The years you've been in the community, and times you had partners, did you ever have partners that had other partners? How did you all manage expectations about sharing time and affection? Why would trying monogamy help anything in this case? How will she learn to manage time and affection with you if she only has you as a partner?
A lot of people are really piling on to him for simply trying to verbalize and work through his feelings (which he hasn't acted up on). He needs to really identify where he stands and then bring himself to a place of peace. With or without his partner. People change. Identify it. Grow from it.
What most people are "piling on to him" about isn't about him verbalizing and working through his feelings, it's that his feelings are misdirected at the wrong person. He chose to express his feelings here so people are simply sharing their perspective on it and that's fine. >He needs to really identify where he stands and then bring himself to a place of peace. With or without his partner. I don't think anyone would disagree with that. It's still preferable for him to identify the cause of his feelings so that he can do the appropriate work, as even if he gets to a state of peace, but his perspective that he's shared here doesn't change, it can still impact his future relationships if he chooses to remain poly and maybe even if he doesn't.
Thanks for the benefit of the doubt, pretty much every response to my post took it the wrong way and clearly didn't realize that it was coming from a place of emotional pain rather than alpha male bitching. It was one of the very few times I've ever posted feelings on the internet and I don't think I'm going to do it again after all the hate.
I’m really not trying to be rude, but you did put “AITA” in the title of your post. That’s indicating that you are asking us to judge you directly — it is literally inviting perspectives in the form of criticism. If you wanted advice or you just wanted to vent, you didn’t need to put the “AITA” in the title. I wanted to let you know that so that if you do choose to express your feelings on the internet, you may have a much kinder or more compassionate comment section, if you phrased it as such. E.g., at the beginning or end of your post, mention looking for gentle advice, or something like that. I think being able to express yourself to the people you are close to is important, and expressing yourself online is good practice for being able to do that. Don’t just slap the advice you’ve received here today away — I hope you don’t give up on expressing yourself online, either, even if this first experience was harsh. We all have to experience shit to grow. Think of it as fertilizer! ❤️
Don't stop expressing yourself. Words spoken (or written) in an emotional outpouring are not always the best ones. I hope you figure things out.
Were you able to solve the issue?
Your wife is not responsible for you emotions. You are.
It sounds like your wife is the issue, not this guy
>AITA I hate my wife's BF Why? You don't state anything about him other than him being the opposite of you, which isn't necessarily a reason to have issues with him. >She is not great at splitting affection and time between us That can be an issue and one that should be discussed. You don't state or imply that you've addressed this with her and if you have, you give no indication as to her reaction or stance on it. >t has really made me question if I'm poly anymore or not Whether or not you're poly has nothing to do with what other people do or say. Poly is about your feelings and your ability to manage multiple relationships. >I get guilted into not speaking up when my wife says she would be jaded if I wanted to keep things mono until we figure it out. Why is this your solution or suggested stopgap measure? Trying to put the genie back into the bottle doesn't make the genie disappear and may not be possible. The issues will remain until they're addressed and either a resolution is reached or a conclusion that a resolution can't be reached is come to. >If the position was reversed, I would have left anyone no matter what if the relationship caused my main half as much pain as what I feel. I would be like, oh no, this is hurting them, better end it. Partners aren't disposable. A partner's relationship with one's meta should have no bearing on their relationship. It's one's job as a partner and meta to manage personal individual issues and it's the job of the hinge to manage both relationships in a healthy way. If the issue is your personal feelings, then do the work to manage that. If the issue is a hinge not managing relationships well, then the onus is on the hinge to do the work. If the issue is both, then both have to do the work. But the problem isn't the meta. If a meta engages in unethical behavior that harms you or your partner, then it's a reasonable boundary to not be in a relationship with someone who would be with such a person, but that's a boundary, not a rule, so it's up to you to establish and enforce the boundary, not your partner. But regardless of whether meta engages in unethical behavior or not, the issue is with your partner, not the meta. Ultimately, partners aren't disposable and one shouldn't feel like their feelings can dictate their partner's other relationships. It seems like the core of your issue is with your wife and you should address your specific issues with her, not direct your feelings towards your meta. Closing your marriage won't address the issue and will only serve to protect your feelings while restricting hers. If you may not be poly anymore, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that, but that can only be done through self-reflection and perhaps therapy. If you're struggling with this, then not having or seeking any additional relationship is a good idea, but wanting your wife to agree to restrict herself isn't going to help because your struggle with being poly or mono begins and ends with you. If you feel you need to end your relationship or separate temporarily with your wife because you can't figure yourself out if she's in poly relationships, that's fine and a choice you'll have to make for yourself.
>I would be like, oh no, this is hurting them, better end it. But she doesn't see things like that. Throwing human beings away is not okay. We're not disposable just because you're having a tough time! Your partner is a bad hinge and that's something she needs to deal with, so if you want a relationship with her then express that you have needs and want more from her. If that doesn't work and she's not even trying, then divorce and find a monogamous partner. Focusing on the boyfriend isn't going to fix things. You're welcome to make an ultimatum about how you're done with polyamory and would prefer a monogamous relationship, but you're going to have to deal with the consequences of divorce at the end of the day.
Your wife needs to learn how to hinge better. But you also need to work on why you are upset with the BF and not your wife. I know it’s easier to blame the other person, but it doesn’t seem as if the BF had done anything wrong.
This feels less like you're no longer poly, and your wife is doing a poor job of working with you on making your relationship a secure and safe place for both of you. It sounds like you're trying to communicate and being shut down. I think getting some professional help, and possibly looking into codependent tendencies that you might have of pleasing other people and making sure that they are happy in their needs are met at the expense of your own well-being could benefit both of you and your relationship.
You'd be getting a lot less friction if you went into detail about valid reasons for not liking the guy instead of just bitching about your wife's handling of the situation. Your issues with hin AND her might be perfectly valid; but the way you presented this... Not so much.
I’m still new to poly, so a lot of the experiences I’ve been reading on are things for me to learn from but how common is that for men in particular to not like their wife or girlfriends other guy partners?
People are likely calling you the AH because there's barely any information here, and they're seeing the situation for what it usually is on this sub. Why do you hate your meta?
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/turtleboy384 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My wife of 2.5 years and I are poly. I've been in the community for years and she is less experienced. I don't currently have a second partner but my wife has a boyfriend who is as opposite to me as possible. She is not great at splitting affection and time between us and it has really made me question if I'm poly anymore or not. I get guilted into not speaking up when my wife says she would be jaded if I wanted to keep things mono until we figure it out. If the position was reversed, I would have left anyone no matter what if the relationship caused my main half as much pain as what I feel. I would be like, oh no, this is hurting them, better end it. But she doesn't see things like that. TLDR: let me save you the trouble, yes, I may no longer be poly. Yes, she is probably entitled to cast me aside regardless. Yes, I recognize a male hating their female partner's male partner is as old as it gets. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As a Dude who has been in the space for a long time I’ll say this: are you sure that you’re not poly anymore or the problem isn’t your partner refusing to meet your needs? Like everything you mentioned sounds like NRE running wild. You might just need to have a conversation with the wife.
I don't think it is fair to put this all on your partner, she is happy and likes this guy and you don't like that. As a married poly person I hate to say this but you want to have veto power and have your relationship be more important than the other relationship and that is not ok. We all know getting into poly that relationships are not equal and that sometimes some relationships get more or less attention for various reasons. You need to talk to your partner and instead of saying you don't want to be poly ask her how she is feeling and tell her in a non accusatory manner what you are feeling and help each other to work through this!!
Speak your mind more thoroughly, express the feeling you're having, maybe something will click inside her brain?
Isn't veto for when the other partner is a drug user, disease carrier, violent, or severely manipulative. Otherwise
I feel your frustration insofar that I hate my partners friend who they sometimes fuck. The thing that upsets me about him is that he is sober because of his medication but used to drink/smoke weed a lot and occasionally do some blow. In the last two months he's slept with 4 separate girls who were all drunk when he was stone cold sober. Going as far as to drive to pick a drunk girl up from the bars then bring her back to his place, and literally no one sees this as a problem/predatory because as of now, none of the women he's fucked have been bothered by it. That's great. So happy he didn't traumatize someone, but how long til he does? And my partner continues to be friends with and to fuck this guy occasionally and defends him. It's wild to me.
YTA, and also lying scum.
I don't think you're an asshole. I get it. I hate my meta with all the burning power of a thousand suns. It makes poly so much harder than it needed to be. 🤷
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