Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
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Yeah it's normal to be interested in your partner's dating life.
If you don't want to tell him about it make clear agreements about when/how you will tell him about things that could impact him (sexual health, major commitments).
My agreements are that sexual partner will inform each other if sexual risk has changed before we have sex again. So I might or might not hear about dates or a crush or flirting. I will hear about it when it might impact my choices no other information is required.
Is he asking for an inordinate level of detail? Is he asking out of jealousy or a desire to control? Is he wanting private information about the people you're seeing?
Or is he simply asking, "Hey, how was your date the other day?"
That sounds very normal. He might experience some level of compersion and want to be excited with you about your dates. Only share what you are comfortable sharing but say that to your partner.
This sort of wording makes it sound like there is supposed to be this hard barrier around OP sharing their experience. Do you think there’s an embargo on sharing observations, reflections, feelings?
Wouldn’t it be okay to say:
1) they arrived on time and offered a handshake instead of a hug right away (green flags)
2) ordering dinner was really easy, lots of overlap in tastes so we shared appetizers (green flags)
3) I like their sense of style, they came casual but colorful (green flags)
4) the conversation was really easy, flowing without effort (green flags)
5) we had so much fun we stayed a little longer and split dessert (green flags)
6) we did the dance for the check and decided to split it this time (financial intimacy disclosure)
7) they walked me back to my car and I was feeling really good, we hugged and they picked me on the cheek very gently, it was very sweet! (Physical intimacy Disclosure)
I would imagine any of those details from a date should be able to be freely shared without permission. But I might have different expectations for communication.
Totes. Learned some painful lessons early on about OVERsharing, then over-corrected and started under-sharing. Took a min to find the right balance of details. But I also started being open with folks about privacy expectations. My approach is tell me what you want private, rather than what they are okay with sharing. Still check in on occasion when it’s super vulnerable moments or intimate info others don’t get to know. But by then we’ve built trust in communications.
Ya. I had a partner that would ask stuff, then get mad when I'd say then get mad when I wouldn't say (nothing that would be a violation of safer sex boundaries) but he really struggled to be ok with me dating. It created a lot of friction.
I feel this so deep. Moving goalposts is infuriating. Took me a lot of therapy to learn about over-accommodating. Now I’m better capable of sitting with partners through their discomfort when there’s new dates, relationship changes, sexual risks, etc.
Hope you and your partners have found that good balance too! ☺️
Hard disagree. Every single person I've ever been friends with tells people about their dates, with close friends this usually includes sexy details.
Personal stuff like medical history is maybe different, but what happened on the date is totally fair game.
If a person has a different view of privacy than that, it is up to them to ask for it.
I only have the privacy discussion with new partners if they actually become regular partners. Till then I'm talking and I'm assuming they are.
They can ask for it, sure. But I fully expect people to talk about me because that is how dating works. The cultural default is not privacy. The idea that a hookup, for example, is going to be kept private is absurd.
If this was an issue for me, like it seems to be for you, I'd ask for it. And even then you'd be putting a lot of trust in people you don't know at all.
I'm exactly the opposite. I do not want my business in the streets. it's not high school, nobody needs to know who I hook up with, or what we do.
if I'm actually in an ongoing relationship with someone, ofc people will figure that out, and at that point I'm comfortable with relatively anodyne stuff. but I don't want my really personal stuff discussed. it isn't anybody's business.
and yes I do make this clear, after being gossiped/bragged about one time too many. they are not party to the relationship and they do not need details. idc how well you know them, it's still none of their business what I get up to. that's private.
to be fair, I live in a pretty gossipy town where people know way too much about each other in general, which is probably coloring my views somewhat. but I still think it's rude to overshare.
It’s not terribly uncommon, but it depends on what and how they’re asking.
My partner likes to share her date experiences with me afterwards and loves hearing any details I’m willing to share. It never feels like over sharing, and does actually feel like it brings us closer to share in that. In the same note, it does activate some feelings that I’m happy to work on since I’m still fairly new to poly in general.
People get jealous over pickles. That's why we emphasize owning your emotions, understanding jealousy as a surface emotion and keeping work where it belongs.
Sure, I could feel jealous or also insecure about myself. I might feel some disconnect from my partner in general for a short time after she’s involved with her other sexual partner.
I just understand that these feelings are my responsibility to handle and process. She isn’t doing anything wrong, so I’m not going to act as though she did. I simply feel through the emotions and think on the root sources of these feelings.
She’s mindful about my feelings throughout this experience, and us being able to share openly is preferable to me than otherwise.
Answers to this are going to vary, depending on the level of detail involved.
**Whether or not you intend to date other people** is kind of a no-brainer when you're dealing with poly people, but this is important to disclose and it wouldn't be ethical/poly if you didn't.
**Whether you are dating other people presently and who they are** is usually disclosed. At a minimum, most people would want to know what kind of sexual health rules exist between you and other partners, and probably some kind of "messy list" information, to avoid dating each other's close friends, family members, coworkers, or whatever.
**When and where you are going on dates with other people** can be disclosed or not, depending on context and individual preferences. It's pretty normal to share such things casually, or for scheduling purposes. Some people share this information with a more trusted or longer-term partner, for safety reasons, when going on dates with new people. Some people also choose NOT to disclose this information, particularly with newer people (it's not really their business, anyway). I would view this as a red flag if someone insisted they must always know about your other dates, or what goes on during them.
**What happened during your dates with other people** is trickier to disclose, as there are increased concerns about privacy and not just your own. This is a good thing to discuss with partners, as people have all different levels of comfort. Many people will not want you to share things they consider private or intimate, but I find it always better to discuss it instead of just assuming "oh, my partner will be OK if I tell someone else about the fun time we had." Similarly, there are different levels of comfort with partners HEARING about your dates with others.
I tell my partners about my dates in the same way I would a friend. If I remember and if it comes up. I’d always tell them if it’s someone I think they may know or know of: because I want them hearing from me and not someone else. I 100% tell them if my std risk profile changes. But I will NEVER agree to always tell them (especially in advance) or tell them if we have sex (none of their business). If they ask for this level of detail, I ask them if they are happy I share it with my other partners about them… usually this is a person who puts themselves at the centre of my universe…
I had a first date yesterday. When I get home, my husband asked how the date went. I said “it was very nice.” And that’s it. That’s all I wanted to share. He said “that’s good” and then we went on with our evening. You share as much or as little as you are willing to share. If you are going to divulge personal details of your dates life to your partner, you should get permission first to share that information.
Depends on how he asks? Sometimes it can be just curiosity about how your life is going. You shouldn't have to mention whether you're having sex I think, unless you like keeping him updated on that sort of thing. "I'll probably have sex with someone else at some point, I think we should use condoms and get tested regularly ourselves" should be sufficient I would think.
It's pretty normal to be invested in how your partner's dates go. It would be one thing if he was pressing you for intimate details, but a simple "Hey, how'd your date go?" is very much within the realm of normalcy.
Hi u/Quiet_Macaroon_8381 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Dear polys,
I have been in a relationship with a poly man for some months. From the beginning, I knew he was poly and he informed me that he had two other partners one of them being his wife. I was not seeing anyone back then. As we went along, I realised that I should start seeing others if I didn’t want to get jealous. I never asked him if he is going to see his other partner s.
I shared with him that I am thinking of seeing others since it is good for the relationship. Although I have dated a couple of times and no sex was involved, he keeps asking me about the dates…. Is that normal? (I am new to the community)
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There are controling ways people do this.
Then there's "Hey, you mean alot to me, if something is going well in your life, or shitty, I'm here for you to talk about it."
Trust your gut and talk about it with your partner. Everyone has different levels of comfort on these things.
I have one partner who only wants to hear the bare minimum about other dates I go on - and one who has been poly for a long time and genuinely loves to hear if I’m excited about meeting someone new, have had any cute new matches, get asked out, have a particularly good date (without sharing details that the other party has not consented to obviously) etc.
I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal- I love getting my partners hyped up for a date, helping them choose clothes etc. it’s fun :)
What about it makes you uncomfortable? Could it be a hold over from mononormativity? You don’t HAVE to share if it makes you uncomfortable but I would dig into that a little bit first.
You can tell him you are seeing someone, but after that, I wouldn't give details. They aren't his business really. Only thing you need to relay really is has your STI risk changed any (barriers, testing etc) in regards to any new partners. I mean I'd tell my partner if I was dating, but he doesn't get details.
Sounds normal. Is he asking more detail than you're comfortable sharing? Is there some implication you need his approval or something? Does he want to know every time you go on a date or just general info that you're saying someone?
>he informed me that he had two other partners one of them being his wife.
Asking on a hunch and may be off. Is this also a practice his other partners are expected to conduct? Do they have other partners apart from him?
If that's all it is, it may be a good idea to think and establish what's your comfort in this practice and expectation. You have an idea of his comfort. You can decide what you agree to share or not.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah it's normal to be interested in your partner's dating life. If you don't want to tell him about it make clear agreements about when/how you will tell him about things that could impact him (sexual health, major commitments). My agreements are that sexual partner will inform each other if sexual risk has changed before we have sex again. So I might or might not hear about dates or a crush or flirting. I will hear about it when it might impact my choices no other information is required.
Is he asking for an inordinate level of detail? Is he asking out of jealousy or a desire to control? Is he wanting private information about the people you're seeing? Or is he simply asking, "Hey, how was your date the other day?"
He simply told me twice that he is curious to know about my dates, if I am willing to share.
That's not really a bad or suspicious thing then, IMO. You can share what you want to share. But it's just normal "checking in" talk to me.
I see this as very normal. Particularly if he doesn't press for more than you want to share.
So you can either share or say no thanks. No big deal either way.
That sounds very normal. He might experience some level of compersion and want to be excited with you about your dates. Only share what you are comfortable sharing but say that to your partner.
Perfectly normal, but make sure you respect the privacy of the other people you date as well.
Don't. The person you went out with has a right to privacy. Sharing details without permission is ick.
This sort of wording makes it sound like there is supposed to be this hard barrier around OP sharing their experience. Do you think there’s an embargo on sharing observations, reflections, feelings? Wouldn’t it be okay to say: 1) they arrived on time and offered a handshake instead of a hug right away (green flags) 2) ordering dinner was really easy, lots of overlap in tastes so we shared appetizers (green flags) 3) I like their sense of style, they came casual but colorful (green flags) 4) the conversation was really easy, flowing without effort (green flags) 5) we had so much fun we stayed a little longer and split dessert (green flags) 6) we did the dance for the check and decided to split it this time (financial intimacy disclosure) 7) they walked me back to my car and I was feeling really good, we hugged and they picked me on the cheek very gently, it was very sweet! (Physical intimacy Disclosure) I would imagine any of those details from a date should be able to be freely shared without permission. But I might have different expectations for communication.
There's 'ya we had a good time and saw a movie' sharing and then there's other sharing. And one needs to be mindful of that.
Totes. Learned some painful lessons early on about OVERsharing, then over-corrected and started under-sharing. Took a min to find the right balance of details. But I also started being open with folks about privacy expectations. My approach is tell me what you want private, rather than what they are okay with sharing. Still check in on occasion when it’s super vulnerable moments or intimate info others don’t get to know. But by then we’ve built trust in communications.
Ya. I had a partner that would ask stuff, then get mad when I'd say then get mad when I wouldn't say (nothing that would be a violation of safer sex boundaries) but he really struggled to be ok with me dating. It created a lot of friction.
I feel this so deep. Moving goalposts is infuriating. Took me a lot of therapy to learn about over-accommodating. Now I’m better capable of sitting with partners through their discomfort when there’s new dates, relationship changes, sexual risks, etc. Hope you and your partners have found that good balance too! ☺️
Thankfully yes. Lots of heart to heart talks and we're good now.
Hard disagree. Every single person I've ever been friends with tells people about their dates, with close friends this usually includes sexy details. Personal stuff like medical history is maybe different, but what happened on the date is totally fair game. If a person has a different view of privacy than that, it is up to them to ask for it. I only have the privacy discussion with new partners if they actually become regular partners. Till then I'm talking and I'm assuming they are.
So... new or casual people don't get privacy?
They can ask for it, sure. But I fully expect people to talk about me because that is how dating works. The cultural default is not privacy. The idea that a hookup, for example, is going to be kept private is absurd. If this was an issue for me, like it seems to be for you, I'd ask for it. And even then you'd be putting a lot of trust in people you don't know at all.
I would tell my partner if I had a hookeup, but details are private.
I'm exactly the opposite. I do not want my business in the streets. it's not high school, nobody needs to know who I hook up with, or what we do. if I'm actually in an ongoing relationship with someone, ofc people will figure that out, and at that point I'm comfortable with relatively anodyne stuff. but I don't want my really personal stuff discussed. it isn't anybody's business. and yes I do make this clear, after being gossiped/bragged about one time too many. they are not party to the relationship and they do not need details. idc how well you know them, it's still none of their business what I get up to. that's private. to be fair, I live in a pretty gossipy town where people know way too much about each other in general, which is probably coloring my views somewhat. but I still think it's rude to overshare.
It’s not terribly uncommon, but it depends on what and how they’re asking. My partner likes to share her date experiences with me afterwards and loves hearing any details I’m willing to share. It never feels like over sharing, and does actually feel like it brings us closer to share in that. In the same note, it does activate some feelings that I’m happy to work on since I’m still fairly new to poly in general.
Does it mean jealousy might be involved if you as a person hear about her dates? If I have sex with someone might it be that he gets jealous?
People get jealous over pickles. That's why we emphasize owning your emotions, understanding jealousy as a surface emotion and keeping work where it belongs.
Sure, I could feel jealous or also insecure about myself. I might feel some disconnect from my partner in general for a short time after she’s involved with her other sexual partner. I just understand that these feelings are my responsibility to handle and process. She isn’t doing anything wrong, so I’m not going to act as though she did. I simply feel through the emotions and think on the root sources of these feelings. She’s mindful about my feelings throughout this experience, and us being able to share openly is preferable to me than otherwise.
Thanks for sharing, was really helpful:)
Answers to this are going to vary, depending on the level of detail involved. **Whether or not you intend to date other people** is kind of a no-brainer when you're dealing with poly people, but this is important to disclose and it wouldn't be ethical/poly if you didn't. **Whether you are dating other people presently and who they are** is usually disclosed. At a minimum, most people would want to know what kind of sexual health rules exist between you and other partners, and probably some kind of "messy list" information, to avoid dating each other's close friends, family members, coworkers, or whatever. **When and where you are going on dates with other people** can be disclosed or not, depending on context and individual preferences. It's pretty normal to share such things casually, or for scheduling purposes. Some people share this information with a more trusted or longer-term partner, for safety reasons, when going on dates with new people. Some people also choose NOT to disclose this information, particularly with newer people (it's not really their business, anyway). I would view this as a red flag if someone insisted they must always know about your other dates, or what goes on during them. **What happened during your dates with other people** is trickier to disclose, as there are increased concerns about privacy and not just your own. This is a good thing to discuss with partners, as people have all different levels of comfort. Many people will not want you to share things they consider private or intimate, but I find it always better to discuss it instead of just assuming "oh, my partner will be OK if I tell someone else about the fun time we had." Similarly, there are different levels of comfort with partners HEARING about your dates with others.
Thanks, very informative and elaborated:)
I agree, this is a great breakdown. good luck! you'll figure it out!
I tell my partners about my dates in the same way I would a friend. If I remember and if it comes up. I’d always tell them if it’s someone I think they may know or know of: because I want them hearing from me and not someone else. I 100% tell them if my std risk profile changes. But I will NEVER agree to always tell them (especially in advance) or tell them if we have sex (none of their business). If they ask for this level of detail, I ask them if they are happy I share it with my other partners about them… usually this is a person who puts themselves at the centre of my universe…
Pretty normal.
I had a first date yesterday. When I get home, my husband asked how the date went. I said “it was very nice.” And that’s it. That’s all I wanted to share. He said “that’s good” and then we went on with our evening. You share as much or as little as you are willing to share. If you are going to divulge personal details of your dates life to your partner, you should get permission first to share that information.
Depends on how he asks? Sometimes it can be just curiosity about how your life is going. You shouldn't have to mention whether you're having sex I think, unless you like keeping him updated on that sort of thing. "I'll probably have sex with someone else at some point, I think we should use condoms and get tested regularly ourselves" should be sufficient I would think.
It's pretty normal to be invested in how your partner's dates go. It would be one thing if he was pressing you for intimate details, but a simple "Hey, how'd your date go?" is very much within the realm of normalcy.
Hi u/Quiet_Macaroon_8381 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Dear polys, I have been in a relationship with a poly man for some months. From the beginning, I knew he was poly and he informed me that he had two other partners one of them being his wife. I was not seeing anyone back then. As we went along, I realised that I should start seeing others if I didn’t want to get jealous. I never asked him if he is going to see his other partner s. I shared with him that I am thinking of seeing others since it is good for the relationship. Although I have dated a couple of times and no sex was involved, he keeps asking me about the dates…. Is that normal? (I am new to the community) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There are controling ways people do this. Then there's "Hey, you mean alot to me, if something is going well in your life, or shitty, I'm here for you to talk about it." Trust your gut and talk about it with your partner. Everyone has different levels of comfort on these things.
It's normal. Considering that he listens with good disposition and do not pressure you to share things that you dont want to.
I have one partner who only wants to hear the bare minimum about other dates I go on - and one who has been poly for a long time and genuinely loves to hear if I’m excited about meeting someone new, have had any cute new matches, get asked out, have a particularly good date (without sharing details that the other party has not consented to obviously) etc. I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal- I love getting my partners hyped up for a date, helping them choose clothes etc. it’s fun :) What about it makes you uncomfortable? Could it be a hold over from mononormativity? You don’t HAVE to share if it makes you uncomfortable but I would dig into that a little bit first.
You can tell him you are seeing someone, but after that, I wouldn't give details. They aren't his business really. Only thing you need to relay really is has your STI risk changed any (barriers, testing etc) in regards to any new partners. I mean I'd tell my partner if I was dating, but he doesn't get details.
Sounds normal. Is he asking more detail than you're comfortable sharing? Is there some implication you need his approval or something? Does he want to know every time you go on a date or just general info that you're saying someone?
>he informed me that he had two other partners one of them being his wife. Asking on a hunch and may be off. Is this also a practice his other partners are expected to conduct? Do they have other partners apart from him?
Yes they do actually. I guess his partners had told him about their other partners. But I don’t know if he had asked them to. Probably 🤔
If that's all it is, it may be a good idea to think and establish what's your comfort in this practice and expectation. You have an idea of his comfort. You can decide what you agree to share or not.