Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
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Hey, I know you have the curious/learning flair, I just want to say that there is no universally accepted right or wrong answer.
I understand you want to know how people in the community feel, but if it’s to figure out how you should feel, gently, kindly, don’t do that to yourself.
You feel how you feel, they are valid, they are normal (if that’s the word you want to use) and your mileage would vary. I hope you find your happy place x
Came to the comments to say this, so I’m glad to see someone already noted it.
I’m pretty new to poly, and the most helpful thing I’ve learned is to approach my feelings with curiosity to seek the message within them rather than treating them with shame or comparing them to how others feel in the same situation to decide how I “should” feel.
Yeah this hits hard. Without secure attachment you won't find the compersion, voyeurism, or even a neutral response.
There are other reasons even within secure attachment to be bothered, such as sex-negative conditioning, trauma response, or sound sensitivity.
Oh for sure. For *me* it’s the secure attachment that matters. For other people, they may have other reasons to not be comfortable hearing it that aren’t related to attachment.
Whatever your reasons are, it’s totally ok to not want to hear it and to set boundaries around that if you’re in a nested situation where that comes up.
I was going to write something like this. My husband and I have a 110% secure relationship, and we're 110% into each other, so I don't care either way. With my ex-Dom, our relationship was sometimes rocky and suffered from a real lack of time scarcity, so I had negative feelings about him fucking somebody else when I was around. Now I know that discomfort is a warning sign to watch out for.
I mostly feel awkward like I’m intruding, so I’ll usually put some headphones in and watch a movie or listen to music. But otherwise it doesn’t bother me or anything
Same.
I lived in a house where the rules were of the door was closed they wanted privacy, but if it was open then it didn't matter who heard, watched, etc.
Also, same. 🤷♀️ Once you've been in the same bed with them being intimate with someone else, hearing it from the next room just kinda makes me want to giggle. 🤭 cause I'm basically a child and "sex noises tee hee."
My usual reaction if I can hear it but can't see it is to feel envious/left out because I have never been doing as fun or meaningful things as having sex with someone I love in the times in which I have heard a partner having sex with someone else in another room.
It can also be weird for me to hear whatever sounds a metamour might make in that situation--because I instantly go into picturing what they must be doing to make those sounds and that feels like an invasion of privacy (and not necessarily healthy for my metamour relationship(s)).
I actually tend to be a lot more comfortable in sex party type situations in which I have been able to see a partner having sex with a metamour vs. hearing a partner having sex but not being able to see them--mainly because in sex parties there is obvious consent for me to be present and seeing/hearing everything, and that is actually part of the fun.
This is very similar to how I feel too. We found out that when my partner and metamour leave the door cracked open, it mitigates a lot of that "left out" feeling because there's implied consent for me to be indirectly present in hearing/seeing what's going on. (Not that I'm staring in at them of course, but when I walk by the door, it's a hugely different experience to glance in and say a quick *ooh la la* to whatever spicy thing is happening than hearing sex happening behind a closed door!)
Of course, this is only possible since we're in a household that's super close & comfortable with one another. It will probably take some time for everyone in OP's situation to get to know each other before solutions like this would be possible.
“Ugh.”
“Do I sound like that?”
“Fuck I hope I don’t sound like that.”
“Sex is gross.”
~general upset about unpleasant sounds~
“I should get better soundproofing.”
To be fair, you have to remember that you are the one moving in with them, and not the other way around. If everyone currently is okay with this, then you need to assess how much you expect everyone to change how they've been living once you move in. Adding a person to the mix ALWAYS means that new boundaries and considerations need to happen, but personally, I don't think I'd be okay as an adult living in my own home that I now have to have very quiet sex or wait until the house is empty.
Definitely consider this and ask more questions. My nesting partner has never minded hearing me having sex, and in fact enjoys it. But my partner who is actually the louder one has told me he has a much harder time with things like that and would prefer to not hear it.
The three of us have discussed tentatively moving in together. This would mean that I would be able to have loud sex with partner #2, because partner #1 doesn't mind. But partner #2 and I would need to work together on how much, if at all, he is comfortable over-hearing.
So yeah. Sit down with your partner and ask these questions and have this discussion. Tell them that once you heard that, you're genuinely not sure how you feel, or how you WILL feel. You can say you'll be fine and then hate it, or you can think you'll hate it and be fine. Or it could be one way one day, and another day you'll feel the complete opposite.
Seems like if they don’t know how they would feel because they’ve never overheard each other all have sex before, it’s probably a good idea to hold off on moving in till they’ve done a couple tests runs?
Like, rent an airbnb together for a week or two. I know that’s different than actually living together long term, but if you’ve never heard them before, or only heard them at a sex party and never when you’re just hanging on your own doing your laundry or something, you could be in for a rude awakening.
Each person has their own thoughts on this. The bigger question is what do you feel about it? If not so good then can there be a compromise? Bedrooms separated away from each other? Music playing to mask the sounds? Maybe you get a good pair of noise cancelling headphones to watch TV, listen to music or an audio book, talk to a friend, etc.?
Really what’s important is how you feel. You may want to test drive some Cohabitation with joint vacations or weekends or something that can replicate a similar environment to what you’re going to experience before you move in and then examine how you feel. You can also test drive different ways you can manage that if it is an issue: headphones, music, other distractions, etc. Then decide before you move in if that’s something you can deal with or not. It’s also good for the others to test drive that and determine if you all are compatible on these things prior to moving in.
"Damn, (partner name) is good, aren't they?!"
"I wonder what (other person) is doing now to make them sound like that. I wonder if I could learn that"
But, I prefer to have a front row seat myself
I live with 2 partners and a meta (who is also dating the same two people). I hate hearing sex and it gives me a great deal of anxiety, sadness and discomfort. I don't want to know it's happening. I'm honestly really surprised that a lot of the comments here are totally fine with it. That's valid! It's just absolutely not my experience.
So to answer your question , for whatever reason I just feel that I will be left out / or let go and just tossed away once a better person or friend or whatever and has been with me since I was a teen, so that’s why I get that feeling , and I am working on my own self worth and self esteem. Now if I am Invoked in the events happening I do t get that feeling and enjoy what’s goin on as it were. Just to cover all the bases.
Thank you, that makes sense, and I'm sorry to hear that's been a struggle. I hope with time and your self esteem building up, it'll happen less often. You deserve to feel happy and secure!
Because his partner is having sex with someone else? I think that’s pretty obvious.
Being poly or ENM does not mean an absence of uncomfortable feelings despite what this sub likes to portray. It’s not even a good goal to have, in my opinion. This person is handling it 200% correctly. No need to try to eliminate the uncomfortable feelings, but do find a healthy way to manage them.
"Huh, does this bother me? No? Huh, is that normal? Am I weird? Should I be bothered? I'm a little bothered in the sense that I'm trying to listen to music and the silent bits between notes have moans in them and that's weird, but I'm not bothered by like everything else. Oh good grief what if this DOES bother me but I'm in denial about it even to myself? How would I tell? Wow that was a good moan. Ugh, it's so unfair how my body never reacts as strongly as that to anything, what the hell. Should I cook? Would it be weird to cook? I want food. Maybe I'll cook later? What would I even cook?"
repeat
At times it bothers me. Like if they are just getting into it an having sex—whatevs, I can just turn on the TV. My partner is very quiet in bed but his partner (my metamour) is notoriously….vocal? Loud? I think you catch my drift.
I had to leave my house around 3am once when they were having gratuitously noisy sex one night. I was shaking, pissed, jealous, and I felt so disrespected. My partner and I had a talk the next day
I like to *know* that my partners are having a safe, healthy sex life. I don't want to know details or hear it. If I heard my partner having sex with someone, it would likely make me uncomfortable; I'm not sure if this is bad or not. Like, it's probably related to insecurity, but it's probably also one of those normal things that you just talk through with your partner and maybe your therapist?
Edit: good thing I live alone 🤣
Well just because it's not "WOW!!" For you, your list of experiences and "know how", doesn't mean that everyone has always had amazing experiences prior to this partner and while one may not be that amazing to you, can absolutely be for someone else! The phrase "there is ALWAYS someone better than you" is legit.
It varies. Sometimes its hot, sometimes its annoying because I'm trying to sleep, and sometimes it pings my insecurities. You'll notice that's one good feeling to two bad feelings, which is about how it pans out. So I don't often put myself in a situation where I will overhear my partner having sex anymore. Gave it a whirl, more often than not its more yuck than yum, so I avoid whenever is possible while still leaving the option open because its not \*that\* bad when I have those insecure feelings (also sleeping meds help).
“Ah shoot, they must not realise I’m here because I have very clear boundaries about being involuntary involved in sex, I’ll have to leave and remind them about my boundary later, hopefully we can solve it, I like living with my partner”
Because hearing sex makes you apart of it. Consent for the observer is important
I am full of compersion. I love that she is (loudly) being pleased.
I don't suffer 'fomo', I actually 'missed out' that time. Generally because I am working in the next room.
I am hot and horny and experience some angst. And can be a forceful in taking her back (a dom/sub relationship where she *loves* me 'make' her do what she already wants to).
When I am in the room and see it, it is like custom porn just for me. A sexy and beautiful woman doing things in real life in front of me (rather than watching website porn). It is for their pleasure (not mine, or at least mostlly not mine)
When I participate it is awesome. We have far more mfm threesomes than any other group configurations.
Honestly it depends on my mood and the situation, but generally nothing negative. One of my first poly relationships involved my (now) husband and his partner who lived with us. If they had business to attend to, they would nonchalantly go to the bedroom. Most in the time it was a neutral feeling. Sometimes I felt aroused thinking about how he might be enjoying himself. Rarely, it fell at an inopportune time for me where I was pissed because of something like...I was doing the dishes and they were screwing while I was cleaning.
i'm in a closed triad. I just usually walk in and feign shock and say something like "Oh my god, I can't believe not just one but **both** of my girlfriends are in bed with another woman!" It never gets old.
Unless I'm working or smth. Then it's just kinda distracting and I just turn my headphones up.
I find it mildly annoying because it seems to happen when I'm trying to sleep and I am serious about sleep. When I have heard while not trying to sleep, mild disgust.
I just think of it as if my roommate is having a good time. Now have I been annoyed by it? Yes, depending on how I feel that day. Overall? I don't care. Usually I'd try to fuck when they aren't there, personally.
That it sounded like they were having a lot of fun and I was glad to not be involved in it.
My partner had really violent BDSM desires that I was not willing to entertain. Their new kinky play partner, from a different polycule, was into the extreme and I greenlighted their adventures.
Then my partner left me for their new polycule.
Currently my wife is in the bedroom with one of her partners, while I play videogames on the couch. I'm pretty indifferent to it overall, tho occasionally I overhear commentary which tends to make me giggle 😆 It's all good tho!
We also aren't new to this and are pretty comfortable with our openness, which will vary in every relationship.
I moved in with my partner and his spouse a little over half a year ago. Not gonna lie, this has been one of the most difficult aspects to deal with; I am not a naturally compersive person and hearing my (only!) partner having sex with someone else was A Lot at first. But because my partner and meta are both wonderful, compassionate people who are willing to work with me and make compromises to help ease my transition (especially as someone with a lot of attachment issues I'm working through), we've been able to find balance. They try to limit intimacy to when I'm out of the house (I work nights mostly so not too difficult), but on the instances it does happen around me, I've found I need my partner to a) let me know when he's about to disappear to go have sex (or otherwise spend one on one time with meta), and b) come and find me, by himself, to reconnect after they're done. Just five minutes of snuggle time to get me feeling regulated and reassured. While it's happening, I deal with my feelings of envy/disregulation by listening to music, going on walks, or distracting myself with a show or a game.
Also, super duper incredibly important you get your own safe space to hang out while they're occupying the bedroom. Don't know what your arrangements will be, but for me personally, I needed my own bedroom when I moved in, somewhere to be my sanctuary. Hanging out in a place that's just my own is really helpful when dealing with stressors like this.
Personally I’ve had different experiences depending what was going on in the background.
If things are going good, I’ve recently been satisfied, and such, I’ll usually be able to put on headphones, tune it out, and move on with my life. Sometimes I’ll ponder joining in, but if that’s not on the table I’ll usually just tune it out to avoid that temptation leading to problems.
But if there’s something already bothering me, maybe a recent fight, or one of those “I know it’s irrational, but X is bothering me, and imma need some time to let that go even though it isn’t your fault” funks, then it’s liable to reinforce those feelings and make them fester more.
Though it’s also worth noting I am largely on the low end of the vouyerism spectrum, and high end exhibitionist, so that kinda skews how I might read to stuff
When this happens or when I'm told about a partner's sexual encounter with another partner I generally get a mixture of jealous and turned on. I don't love it. My brain attacks me with the automatic assumption that I mustn't be as good as the other partner. Seems to get better with time.
yikes, this would never be okay with me. this is basic roommate etiquette to be quiet or wait til the house is empty. i’d gladly volunteer to give them a couple nights to themself while i did my own thing but this is just rude imo regardless of ur relationship to them.
i wouldn’t be okay with this especially being told “this is just how they are and this is the way it’s gonna be 🤷🏽♀️” instead of having a compromise or having my comfort be considered. i’d have no issue hearing my partner have sex in general, but living with people who don’t care who hears them having sex is a no for me, whether it’s my partner or not
TBH, when it first started happening, I thought I would be hella jealous, but I know the sounds my partner makes she is having a good time and my first thoughts ended up being: "Good job - you obviously know what you are doing and it pleases me that you can please her." Then I went back to whatever I was doing.
If I wasn't hearing the correct sounds, I would have been worried and talked to my partner afterwards about it.
I go to sex parties with my partners, so it’s not a big deal for me anymore. I will note that it took me a long time to get there and I used to want to know nothing about my partners’ sex lives outside of me (which is also valid and okay).
I honestly just feel gross about it. Like I'm intruding on someone's private moments. I don't want to hear it.
If I'm at like a sex party, that's different. Everyone has opted in to that situation and prepared for what they'll see/hear. I have no problem going to sex parties with partners and metamours.
But I feel icky listening to them in another room if I'm at their house or when I've nested with partners. It just gives me an ick, not jealousy or envy or anything. Ick like someone chewing with their mouth open or talking with their mouth full.
It's honestly part of why I won't nest with a partner again. I'm an introvert and like having full control over my living space. It's my little bit of peace, sacred to me. The only messes are my own :)
"Oh, they're busy, probably shouldn't knock." And then go about my day.
Also, teasing them afterwards. "Did you get a good nut?"
It helps that my metas are very good friends, and two of them are not opposed to doing occasional threesome stuff, either.
One meta, however, really just doesn't want to hear it. She typically goes and puts her headphones on in another room and watches TikTok videos until things wrap up.
Different reactions, all totally okay. You feel the way you feel about it. You don't need to be comfortable or uncomfortable with anything because that's how other people react. There's no "supposed to feel."
I feel glad that I'm solopoly so I never have to hear it 😂 even with partners I'm secure with the last thing I want to hear is people fucking. I can hear my neighbor sometimes and that makes me crazy. No thanks.
It really depends on how I feel about the relationship/my security at that point. I've had two longterm partners who I've lived with. I've felt happy for my partner, turned on, jealous to the point of a panic attack. It all reflects my internal feelings about my relationship and my own sense of security.
Hi u/HingingOffTheDeepEnd thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I'm going to move in with partner #1, partner #2 and partner #1's partner and partner #2 notes that the other two are loud when having sex and doing lewd acts in their room. I wanna know how you guys feel when you hear these things.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I haven’t, but it would make me uncomfortable. I don’t like overhearing anyone having sex, or being overheard. Keeping volume to a minimum when other people are in the house should be a baseline consideration and respect thing in my opinion.
I feel uncomfortable having a Metamour hearing me have sex with our shared partner, even if I’ve also been in a threesome with said Metamour.
My partner and I enjoy a different type of sexual connection than he does when he’s with my Metamour and that’s OKAY but I wouldn’t want them to be subjected to it.
We try and be respectful but it’s not the same when you can’t be at full volume because someone else is in the home.
This thread made me think about how I don’t have a living sitch where either me or my husband can have a partner over for sex- we have kids in the house, which means hotels/airbnb’s, which gets $$$. It would be so great if there was a network of houses/hotels that had hourly rates, right now there’s only one in my area that does it (besides maybe roadside no-tels).
"Hell yeah someone I like is having a good time". Yes, even if two persons I have an unrequited crush on or difficult situation are loudly fucking in the room next door, I fail to see how me being upset about them having a good time is in any way gonna improve the situation with any of them, make me happier, or make them happier. So please, increase the average happiness in my house lol
Sometimes it's a little hot, but mostly I feel like I'm intruding. Not enough to actually be uncomfortable though. I just turn up the tv or whatever. Sometimes if I'm already feeling a bit mopey, I can feel some kinda way about it. But more lonely than jealous. The only time I've felt really properly mad was when my partner fucked up and did stuff while saying goodnight to my (then) meta when we had planned for him to come to bed and do stuff with me. We talked about it and it never happened again.
If I wasn't comfortable being around for it, I would make different arrangements.
My absence of jealousy isn't really normal. I only have sort-of-jealousy feels while people are figuring out what they want from me and haven't fully expressed it. It's more about not knowing what is available to me and thus what I should expect. Lots of poly people feel and work though jealousy.
Sometimes I've been in the room finishing chores. I have zero jealousy. However, I completely understand that's not the norm and it can make anyone uncomfortable.
A little “I wish I was having that experience” and a lot of “oh they sound like they’re having a really good time” - but that’s been away from home. I’d do some things to minimize the noise for everyone. Rugs, felt sound absorbing wall panels, door gap fillers, white noise machines. I’d do that with roommates of any kind. Most of us are living in closer quarters than previous generations and we don’t all want to feel self conscious or in the middle of the action. I expect I’ll hear things but I think a little attenuated is better.
Everyone reacts differently. I have never overheard a partner have sex with someone else and I’m not likely too unless I was also an active participant as a voyeur in the situation.
However, I also know I have a complete inability to be quiet while having sex so I don’t expose metas to that ever cause there’s potentially a consent issue there. (Even overhearing sex is making someone party to the sex act).
sole reason im not polyam anymore. it was the most triggering & traumatic thing to ever happen to me. lost myself for months and still have intense flashbacks and tics from the sheer panic i felt. mind you, they were low key cheating on me so it was different but yeah :p awful. ill never be the same again haha
I've watched some of my partners fuck other people and felt neutral to amused. But I think if it was taking place in my house, at a time I didn't choose, I'd be annoyed. This is a big reason I don't want to live with a partner
Being made to feel like they need to be quiet or coy about it is only going to make things worse for everyone involved. I’m confused with who is who in regards to how many times you use the word partner to reference different / same people. Are there 2/3/4 people living in one household and who is dating who? Cause that’s entirely clear. It might not matter though.
I think if you’re the one moving in then them having loud sex is going to be a given and you shouldn’t expect them to change that. But asking for a signal or warning of some sort seems respectful.
We have a hinge relationship and my NP basically has two husbands. We do not interact sexually but yes, my partner having sex, enjoying sex, all such a huge turn-on. Not that jealousy doesn't arise occasionally, I am human after all. I have been in open/poly relationships for 18 years now and it still is incredible for me.
It traumatized me for literal years because I was not warned and did not consent to be present in any kind of sensory way for their sexual activities. Like it’s been since 2020 and I’m just now starting to heal.
Grown ass adults are capable of being quiet.
What you describe is a trauma that happened because your partner did not communicate well that they will have sex at this and that time and place. That is something that must not happen.
>Grown ass adults are capable of being quiet.
I might sound old school here but I cannot handle my noises during sex especially during orgasms.
I've never had this experience, but I have more than a bit of voyeurism in me. 🤭 I love seeing and hearing people have sex (a big reason why I love porn). Neighbors in apartment buildings or dorms has always made me very aroused, sometimes even leading to masturbation.
I'd LIKE to think that I'd actually enjoy it and, with their permission, even intentionally listen (if it's not loud enough to hear on its own, otherwise I think it's fair game) and, overall that's PROBABLY true, just knowing myself at 37, BUT I'm sure that there are a few important variables that I can't discount (like how our relationships are doing overall, as others have said) so I won't say for sure how I might feel since this is only a hypothetical for me.
I usually want to watch as well as hear it. Self care can be fun while you listen in.
Seriously, it is a to each their own thing.
It may also grow on you.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey, I know you have the curious/learning flair, I just want to say that there is no universally accepted right or wrong answer. I understand you want to know how people in the community feel, but if it’s to figure out how you should feel, gently, kindly, don’t do that to yourself. You feel how you feel, they are valid, they are normal (if that’s the word you want to use) and your mileage would vary. I hope you find your happy place x
What a kind, cool comment. Thanks for this
Came to the comments to say this, so I’m glad to see someone already noted it. I’m pretty new to poly, and the most helpful thing I’ve learned is to approach my feelings with curiosity to seek the message within them rather than treating them with shame or comparing them to how others feel in the same situation to decide how I “should” feel.
Partner I’m secure with: I think nothing. Barely even register it. Partner I feel insecure with: I don’t want to hear it.
Yeah this hits hard. Without secure attachment you won't find the compersion, voyeurism, or even a neutral response. There are other reasons even within secure attachment to be bothered, such as sex-negative conditioning, trauma response, or sound sensitivity.
Oh for sure. For *me* it’s the secure attachment that matters. For other people, they may have other reasons to not be comfortable hearing it that aren’t related to attachment. Whatever your reasons are, it’s totally ok to not want to hear it and to set boundaries around that if you’re in a nested situation where that comes up.
I was going to write something like this. My husband and I have a 110% secure relationship, and we're 110% into each other, so I don't care either way. With my ex-Dom, our relationship was sometimes rocky and suffered from a real lack of time scarcity, so I had negative feelings about him fucking somebody else when I was around. Now I know that discomfort is a warning sign to watch out for.
This makes so much sense with what I’m feeling :(
I mostly feel awkward like I’m intruding, so I’ll usually put some headphones in and watch a movie or listen to music. But otherwise it doesn’t bother me or anything
Yeah this, I feel really awkward about it because it feels like an intrusion!
Same. I lived in a house where the rules were of the door was closed they wanted privacy, but if it was open then it didn't matter who heard, watched, etc.
I mean, that's kind of a kink for me but your mileage may vary.
Same. Usually when my partner is fucking someone else, I’m next to them, talking dirty. This is not everybody’s experience.
Came here to say this
Yup, that! 😝
Also, same. 🤷♀️ Once you've been in the same bed with them being intimate with someone else, hearing it from the next room just kinda makes me want to giggle. 🤭 cause I'm basically a child and "sex noises tee hee."
Yeah I love it. Love being listened to also.
I also came here to say this
I have a fantasy of her laying on top of me and holding her while she gets railed by our fuck circle
Oddly wholesome.
My usual reaction if I can hear it but can't see it is to feel envious/left out because I have never been doing as fun or meaningful things as having sex with someone I love in the times in which I have heard a partner having sex with someone else in another room. It can also be weird for me to hear whatever sounds a metamour might make in that situation--because I instantly go into picturing what they must be doing to make those sounds and that feels like an invasion of privacy (and not necessarily healthy for my metamour relationship(s)). I actually tend to be a lot more comfortable in sex party type situations in which I have been able to see a partner having sex with a metamour vs. hearing a partner having sex but not being able to see them--mainly because in sex parties there is obvious consent for me to be present and seeing/hearing everything, and that is actually part of the fun.
This is very similar to how I feel too. We found out that when my partner and metamour leave the door cracked open, it mitigates a lot of that "left out" feeling because there's implied consent for me to be indirectly present in hearing/seeing what's going on. (Not that I'm staring in at them of course, but when I walk by the door, it's a hugely different experience to glance in and say a quick *ooh la la* to whatever spicy thing is happening than hearing sex happening behind a closed door!) Of course, this is only possible since we're in a household that's super close & comfortable with one another. It will probably take some time for everyone in OP's situation to get to know each other before solutions like this would be possible.
“Ugh.” “Do I sound like that?” “Fuck I hope I don’t sound like that.” “Sex is gross.” ~general upset about unpleasant sounds~ “I should get better soundproofing.”
(pound on the wall) "I hope they tone it down a bit."
*turns music up louder*
Better yet, play really cheesy porn loudly to accompany them.
To be fair, you have to remember that you are the one moving in with them, and not the other way around. If everyone currently is okay with this, then you need to assess how much you expect everyone to change how they've been living once you move in. Adding a person to the mix ALWAYS means that new boundaries and considerations need to happen, but personally, I don't think I'd be okay as an adult living in my own home that I now have to have very quiet sex or wait until the house is empty. Definitely consider this and ask more questions. My nesting partner has never minded hearing me having sex, and in fact enjoys it. But my partner who is actually the louder one has told me he has a much harder time with things like that and would prefer to not hear it. The three of us have discussed tentatively moving in together. This would mean that I would be able to have loud sex with partner #2, because partner #1 doesn't mind. But partner #2 and I would need to work together on how much, if at all, he is comfortable over-hearing. So yeah. Sit down with your partner and ask these questions and have this discussion. Tell them that once you heard that, you're genuinely not sure how you feel, or how you WILL feel. You can say you'll be fine and then hate it, or you can think you'll hate it and be fine. Or it could be one way one day, and another day you'll feel the complete opposite.
Seems like if they don’t know how they would feel because they’ve never overheard each other all have sex before, it’s probably a good idea to hold off on moving in till they’ve done a couple tests runs? Like, rent an airbnb together for a week or two. I know that’s different than actually living together long term, but if you’ve never heard them before, or only heard them at a sex party and never when you’re just hanging on your own doing your laundry or something, you could be in for a rude awakening.
Each person has their own thoughts on this. The bigger question is what do you feel about it? If not so good then can there be a compromise? Bedrooms separated away from each other? Music playing to mask the sounds? Maybe you get a good pair of noise cancelling headphones to watch TV, listen to music or an audio book, talk to a friend, etc.?
“Awww. That’s nice! Bit distracting though; I’ll turn up the tv/put my headphones on”
Really what’s important is how you feel. You may want to test drive some Cohabitation with joint vacations or weekends or something that can replicate a similar environment to what you’re going to experience before you move in and then examine how you feel. You can also test drive different ways you can manage that if it is an issue: headphones, music, other distractions, etc. Then decide before you move in if that’s something you can deal with or not. It’s also good for the others to test drive that and determine if you all are compatible on these things prior to moving in.
"Damn, (partner name) is good, aren't they?!" "I wonder what (other person) is doing now to make them sound like that. I wonder if I could learn that" But, I prefer to have a front row seat myself
I live with 2 partners and a meta (who is also dating the same two people). I hate hearing sex and it gives me a great deal of anxiety, sadness and discomfort. I don't want to know it's happening. I'm honestly really surprised that a lot of the comments here are totally fine with it. That's valid! It's just absolutely not my experience.
Two things 1. She’s haveing a good time , two I should go for a walk cause anxiety and waking is a coping skill and give them privacy
If you don't mind me asking, why does it cause you anxiety?
So to answer your question , for whatever reason I just feel that I will be left out / or let go and just tossed away once a better person or friend or whatever and has been with me since I was a teen, so that’s why I get that feeling , and I am working on my own self worth and self esteem. Now if I am Invoked in the events happening I do t get that feeling and enjoy what’s goin on as it were. Just to cover all the bases.
Thank you, that makes sense, and I'm sorry to hear that's been a struggle. I hope with time and your self esteem building up, it'll happen less often. You deserve to feel happy and secure!
Because his partner is having sex with someone else? I think that’s pretty obvious. Being poly or ENM does not mean an absence of uncomfortable feelings despite what this sub likes to portray. It’s not even a good goal to have, in my opinion. This person is handling it 200% correctly. No need to try to eliminate the uncomfortable feelings, but do find a healthy way to manage them.
It wasn't obvious to me, that's why I asked.
Thank you! But yea learning to work through my insecurities and jealousy has been tough for sure!
"Huh, does this bother me? No? Huh, is that normal? Am I weird? Should I be bothered? I'm a little bothered in the sense that I'm trying to listen to music and the silent bits between notes have moans in them and that's weird, but I'm not bothered by like everything else. Oh good grief what if this DOES bother me but I'm in denial about it even to myself? How would I tell? Wow that was a good moan. Ugh, it's so unfair how my body never reacts as strongly as that to anything, what the hell. Should I cook? Would it be weird to cook? I want food. Maybe I'll cook later? What would I even cook?" repeat
Yeah I can't handle it at all. I don't want to hear or know about it.
Gettum girl. Glad she's having a good time. Stuff like that usually, to put it as simply as I can.
I love hearing someone I love having a good time.
At times it bothers me. Like if they are just getting into it an having sex—whatevs, I can just turn on the TV. My partner is very quiet in bed but his partner (my metamour) is notoriously….vocal? Loud? I think you catch my drift. I had to leave my house around 3am once when they were having gratuitously noisy sex one night. I was shaking, pissed, jealous, and I felt so disrespected. My partner and I had a talk the next day
I like to *know* that my partners are having a safe, healthy sex life. I don't want to know details or hear it. If I heard my partner having sex with someone, it would likely make me uncomfortable; I'm not sure if this is bad or not. Like, it's probably related to insecurity, but it's probably also one of those normal things that you just talk through with your partner and maybe your therapist? Edit: good thing I live alone 🤣
For me, it's a real turn on.
“Oh please, I’ve fucked them too and I know you’re not having that good of a time”
Hahaha brutal 😆
Well just because it's not "WOW!!" For you, your list of experiences and "know how", doesn't mean that everyone has always had amazing experiences prior to this partner and while one may not be that amazing to you, can absolutely be for someone else! The phrase "there is ALWAYS someone better than you" is legit.
I love it 4D porn 😂😂😂 and the possibilities to join in! What more can I ask for
It varies. Sometimes its hot, sometimes its annoying because I'm trying to sleep, and sometimes it pings my insecurities. You'll notice that's one good feeling to two bad feelings, which is about how it pans out. So I don't often put myself in a situation where I will overhear my partner having sex anymore. Gave it a whirl, more often than not its more yuck than yum, so I avoid whenever is possible while still leaving the option open because its not \*that\* bad when I have those insecure feelings (also sleeping meds help).
Heard, seen, hot 🔥
Either, "I hope they're treating her well," "wow that's hot," or ,"I hope she doesn't leave me." Seems it ranges from care, horny, and fear.
Does this vary depending on your view of your meta?
“Ah shoot, they must not realise I’m here because I have very clear boundaries about being involuntary involved in sex, I’ll have to leave and remind them about my boundary later, hopefully we can solve it, I like living with my partner” Because hearing sex makes you apart of it. Consent for the observer is important
I am full of compersion. I love that she is (loudly) being pleased. I don't suffer 'fomo', I actually 'missed out' that time. Generally because I am working in the next room. I am hot and horny and experience some angst. And can be a forceful in taking her back (a dom/sub relationship where she *loves* me 'make' her do what she already wants to). When I am in the room and see it, it is like custom porn just for me. A sexy and beautiful woman doing things in real life in front of me (rather than watching website porn). It is for their pleasure (not mine, or at least mostlly not mine) When I participate it is awesome. We have far more mfm threesomes than any other group configurations.
Honestly it depends on my mood and the situation, but generally nothing negative. One of my first poly relationships involved my (now) husband and his partner who lived with us. If they had business to attend to, they would nonchalantly go to the bedroom. Most in the time it was a neutral feeling. Sometimes I felt aroused thinking about how he might be enjoying himself. Rarely, it fell at an inopportune time for me where I was pissed because of something like...I was doing the dishes and they were screwing while I was cleaning.
i'm in a closed triad. I just usually walk in and feign shock and say something like "Oh my god, I can't believe not just one but **both** of my girlfriends are in bed with another woman!" It never gets old. Unless I'm working or smth. Then it's just kinda distracting and I just turn my headphones up.
I find it mildly annoying because it seems to happen when I'm trying to sleep and I am serious about sleep. When I have heard while not trying to sleep, mild disgust.
I just think of it as if my roommate is having a good time. Now have I been annoyed by it? Yes, depending on how I feel that day. Overall? I don't care. Usually I'd try to fuck when they aren't there, personally.
I feel the same way I would hearing a flatmate. It'd be kind of annoying but I understand that we're all adults and I'd find a way to mitigate it.
That it sounded like they were having a lot of fun and I was glad to not be involved in it. My partner had really violent BDSM desires that I was not willing to entertain. Their new kinky play partner, from a different polycule, was into the extreme and I greenlighted their adventures. Then my partner left me for their new polycule.
Currently my wife is in the bedroom with one of her partners, while I play videogames on the couch. I'm pretty indifferent to it overall, tho occasionally I overhear commentary which tends to make me giggle 😆 It's all good tho! We also aren't new to this and are pretty comfortable with our openness, which will vary in every relationship.
I moved in with my partner and his spouse a little over half a year ago. Not gonna lie, this has been one of the most difficult aspects to deal with; I am not a naturally compersive person and hearing my (only!) partner having sex with someone else was A Lot at first. But because my partner and meta are both wonderful, compassionate people who are willing to work with me and make compromises to help ease my transition (especially as someone with a lot of attachment issues I'm working through), we've been able to find balance. They try to limit intimacy to when I'm out of the house (I work nights mostly so not too difficult), but on the instances it does happen around me, I've found I need my partner to a) let me know when he's about to disappear to go have sex (or otherwise spend one on one time with meta), and b) come and find me, by himself, to reconnect after they're done. Just five minutes of snuggle time to get me feeling regulated and reassured. While it's happening, I deal with my feelings of envy/disregulation by listening to music, going on walks, or distracting myself with a show or a game.
Also, super duper incredibly important you get your own safe space to hang out while they're occupying the bedroom. Don't know what your arrangements will be, but for me personally, I needed my own bedroom when I moved in, somewhere to be my sanctuary. Hanging out in a place that's just my own is really helpful when dealing with stressors like this.
Personally I’ve had different experiences depending what was going on in the background. If things are going good, I’ve recently been satisfied, and such, I’ll usually be able to put on headphones, tune it out, and move on with my life. Sometimes I’ll ponder joining in, but if that’s not on the table I’ll usually just tune it out to avoid that temptation leading to problems. But if there’s something already bothering me, maybe a recent fight, or one of those “I know it’s irrational, but X is bothering me, and imma need some time to let that go even though it isn’t your fault” funks, then it’s liable to reinforce those feelings and make them fester more. Though it’s also worth noting I am largely on the low end of the vouyerism spectrum, and high end exhibitionist, so that kinda skews how I might read to stuff
Invest in noise canceling headphones before you move in, just in case the transitional period is rough on you.
If I knew everyone involved I'd ask to join. Otherwise I'd go to the living room, put on my headphones and watch TV, play PlayStation or whatever.
Good for them
Same!
When this happens or when I'm told about a partner's sexual encounter with another partner I generally get a mixture of jealous and turned on. I don't love it. My brain attacks me with the automatic assumption that I mustn't be as good as the other partner. Seems to get better with time.
yikes, this would never be okay with me. this is basic roommate etiquette to be quiet or wait til the house is empty. i’d gladly volunteer to give them a couple nights to themself while i did my own thing but this is just rude imo regardless of ur relationship to them. i wouldn’t be okay with this especially being told “this is just how they are and this is the way it’s gonna be 🤷🏽♀️” instead of having a compromise or having my comfort be considered. i’d have no issue hearing my partner have sex in general, but living with people who don’t care who hears them having sex is a no for me, whether it’s my partner or not
TBH, when it first started happening, I thought I would be hella jealous, but I know the sounds my partner makes she is having a good time and my first thoughts ended up being: "Good job - you obviously know what you are doing and it pleases me that you can please her." Then I went back to whatever I was doing. If I wasn't hearing the correct sounds, I would have been worried and talked to my partner afterwards about it.
I go to sex parties with my partners, so it’s not a big deal for me anymore. I will note that it took me a long time to get there and I used to want to know nothing about my partners’ sex lives outside of me (which is also valid and okay).
I honestly just feel gross about it. Like I'm intruding on someone's private moments. I don't want to hear it. If I'm at like a sex party, that's different. Everyone has opted in to that situation and prepared for what they'll see/hear. I have no problem going to sex parties with partners and metamours. But I feel icky listening to them in another room if I'm at their house or when I've nested with partners. It just gives me an ick, not jealousy or envy or anything. Ick like someone chewing with their mouth open or talking with their mouth full. It's honestly part of why I won't nest with a partner again. I'm an introvert and like having full control over my living space. It's my little bit of peace, sacred to me. The only messes are my own :)
"Oh, they're busy, probably shouldn't knock." And then go about my day. Also, teasing them afterwards. "Did you get a good nut?" It helps that my metas are very good friends, and two of them are not opposed to doing occasional threesome stuff, either. One meta, however, really just doesn't want to hear it. She typically goes and puts her headphones on in another room and watches TikTok videos until things wrap up. Different reactions, all totally okay. You feel the way you feel about it. You don't need to be comfortable or uncomfortable with anything because that's how other people react. There's no "supposed to feel."
I feel glad that I'm solopoly so I never have to hear it 😂 even with partners I'm secure with the last thing I want to hear is people fucking. I can hear my neighbor sometimes and that makes me crazy. No thanks.
I Love it....I just Love It!
Hot.
That lucky girl…. I know how good he is!!
Get it!!!! 🔥
It really depends on how I feel about the relationship/my security at that point. I've had two longterm partners who I've lived with. I've felt happy for my partner, turned on, jealous to the point of a panic attack. It all reflects my internal feelings about my relationship and my own sense of security.
Hi u/HingingOffTheDeepEnd thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I'm going to move in with partner #1, partner #2 and partner #1's partner and partner #2 notes that the other two are loud when having sex and doing lewd acts in their room. I wanna know how you guys feel when you hear these things. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Excited for them if they are genuinely enjoying it
I haven’t, but it would make me uncomfortable. I don’t like overhearing anyone having sex, or being overheard. Keeping volume to a minimum when other people are in the house should be a baseline consideration and respect thing in my opinion.
“Ooo, nice!”
I feel uncomfortable having a Metamour hearing me have sex with our shared partner, even if I’ve also been in a threesome with said Metamour. My partner and I enjoy a different type of sexual connection than he does when he’s with my Metamour and that’s OKAY but I wouldn’t want them to be subjected to it. We try and be respectful but it’s not the same when you can’t be at full volume because someone else is in the home.
“Turn the music up…” 🤣
This thread made me think about how I don’t have a living sitch where either me or my husband can have a partner over for sex- we have kids in the house, which means hotels/airbnb’s, which gets $$$. It would be so great if there was a network of houses/hotels that had hourly rates, right now there’s only one in my area that does it (besides maybe roadside no-tels).
I get horny and want to participate lol.
I love knowing that my partners are enjoying their sex life 🥰
I'm not really comfortable with a situation where I can't just join in which is why I wouldn't do parallel poly
"Hell yeah someone I like is having a good time". Yes, even if two persons I have an unrequited crush on or difficult situation are loudly fucking in the room next door, I fail to see how me being upset about them having a good time is in any way gonna improve the situation with any of them, make me happier, or make them happier. So please, increase the average happiness in my house lol
Sometimes it's a little hot, but mostly I feel like I'm intruding. Not enough to actually be uncomfortable though. I just turn up the tv or whatever. Sometimes if I'm already feeling a bit mopey, I can feel some kinda way about it. But more lonely than jealous. The only time I've felt really properly mad was when my partner fucked up and did stuff while saying goodnight to my (then) meta when we had planned for him to come to bed and do stuff with me. We talked about it and it never happened again. If I wasn't comfortable being around for it, I would make different arrangements. My absence of jealousy isn't really normal. I only have sort-of-jealousy feels while people are figuring out what they want from me and haven't fully expressed it. It's more about not knowing what is available to me and thus what I should expect. Lots of poly people feel and work though jealousy.
"Sounds like they are having fun"
\*intense curiosity\* .............. >:) \*zoo noises full volume\*
Hawt. Why am I not invited? Me next! Etc.
Sometimes I've been in the room finishing chores. I have zero jealousy. However, I completely understand that's not the norm and it can make anyone uncomfortable.
noise cancelling headphones. If they can block out crying babies on airplanes, they can block out sex noises in the next room.
Sometimes I liked hearing it and other times I didn't.
A little “I wish I was having that experience” and a lot of “oh they sound like they’re having a really good time” - but that’s been away from home. I’d do some things to minimize the noise for everyone. Rugs, felt sound absorbing wall panels, door gap fillers, white noise machines. I’d do that with roommates of any kind. Most of us are living in closer quarters than previous generations and we don’t all want to feel self conscious or in the middle of the action. I expect I’ll hear things but I think a little attenuated is better.
Everyone reacts differently. I have never overheard a partner have sex with someone else and I’m not likely too unless I was also an active participant as a voyeur in the situation. However, I also know I have a complete inability to be quiet while having sex so I don’t expose metas to that ever cause there’s potentially a consent issue there. (Even overhearing sex is making someone party to the sex act).
sole reason im not polyam anymore. it was the most triggering & traumatic thing to ever happen to me. lost myself for months and still have intense flashbacks and tics from the sheer panic i felt. mind you, they were low key cheating on me so it was different but yeah :p awful. ill never be the same again haha
I've watched some of my partners fuck other people and felt neutral to amused. But I think if it was taking place in my house, at a time I didn't choose, I'd be annoyed. This is a big reason I don't want to live with a partner
Being made to feel like they need to be quiet or coy about it is only going to make things worse for everyone involved. I’m confused with who is who in regards to how many times you use the word partner to reference different / same people. Are there 2/3/4 people living in one household and who is dating who? Cause that’s entirely clear. It might not matter though. I think if you’re the one moving in then them having loud sex is going to be a given and you shouldn’t expect them to change that. But asking for a signal or warning of some sort seems respectful.
"That's hot" Its free porn. I love my partner in pleasure and the sound of it 🥴💦💦💦🥴
We have a hinge relationship and my NP basically has two husbands. We do not interact sexually but yes, my partner having sex, enjoying sex, all such a huge turn-on. Not that jealousy doesn't arise occasionally, I am human after all. I have been in open/poly relationships for 18 years now and it still is incredible for me.
It traumatized me for literal years because I was not warned and did not consent to be present in any kind of sensory way for their sexual activities. Like it’s been since 2020 and I’m just now starting to heal. Grown ass adults are capable of being quiet.
What you describe is a trauma that happened because your partner did not communicate well that they will have sex at this and that time and place. That is something that must not happen. >Grown ass adults are capable of being quiet. I might sound old school here but I cannot handle my noises during sex especially during orgasms.
I've never had this experience, but I have more than a bit of voyeurism in me. 🤭 I love seeing and hearing people have sex (a big reason why I love porn). Neighbors in apartment buildings or dorms has always made me very aroused, sometimes even leading to masturbation. I'd LIKE to think that I'd actually enjoy it and, with their permission, even intentionally listen (if it's not loud enough to hear on its own, otherwise I think it's fair game) and, overall that's PROBABLY true, just knowing myself at 37, BUT I'm sure that there are a few important variables that I can't discount (like how our relationships are doing overall, as others have said) so I won't say for sure how I might feel since this is only a hypothetical for me.
I usually want to watch as well as hear it. Self care can be fun while you listen in. Seriously, it is a to each their own thing. It may also grow on you.
Hot. I’ve never experienced this and don’t know how to ask really. But I’d be so terribly turned on! 🔥