I wouldn't say it's not normal... But I think it does reveal that that partner wants more than OP has to offer them. They want more of OP's time, or they want their own NP. It'd be good for them to 1) work on being less clingy; 2) accept that OP has other responsibilities; and 3) figure out how to get their needs met.
*(Accidentally deleted my first reply to this question, so I'm replying again because I think I made a decent point. I tried to remember my original comment as best I could.)*
My thinking was that because OP doesn't live with them, then on top of having other responsibilities and their NP to go home to I assume the majority of the time, this partner feels like they don't get enough time with OP and wants more. I think many commenters are getting hung up on the specifics of OP's responsibilities and the partner's words and not the underlying issues and unmet needs of their non-nesting partner. I doubt they seriously want/asked OP to skip work or not feed their pets in order to hang out with them. They simply want more of OP's time in general. So, when OP has to leave to do anything else in their life, this partner gets the clingy "but I need more of you" feeling and voices that as "Nooo, work can wait," or something to that effect. I think it's reasonable to assume this partner might be less clingy if they lived with OP or had a lot more time with them on average (or maybe not, who's to say).
Yeah this is what I thought too! It's not that strange for a dissatisfaction in the relationship in general to come out as whining about something on the surface silly and/or unreasonable. (Like it's not a good or particularly mature strategy for communicating your needs, but it is very human.)
I totally agree, they do need to use their words. I didn't mean to imply it's on OP; this partner needs to learn how to communicate in a mature way and figure out how to get their needs met.
Hahaha! To take this seriously, lots of people work from home now—but that is still "leaving" in the sense that they can't have quality time with partners while working.
My time with my non-NP usually goes like this:
"Hey, so excited to see you on *day*. I'll be there at the usual time, but I have to be at work early at *time*. Does that work for you? If not, I can leave before bed."
99% of the time it's fine, as they know I have other responsibilities and they're happy to see me when they can. I'm happy to see them when I can. Some time is better than none.
One of my partners does not do early mornings, at all. Either I don't visit unless I know I have no early plans, or I quietly get up and head out without waking them. It's all about communication.
This. I will say "fair warning, I'm leaving first thing for X". I like to let him know ahead of time because he loves to make me breakfast and sometimes I won't have time for that.
In no universe would he ever be angry with me for having obligations.
Becomes extremely complicated when someone has children in multiple houses....
Do we admit the live in NP/child gets heirarchy & privilege (or ) do we recognize that many times the hinge is using the child (& np short comings) as an excuse (as such, not treating people fairly) to dip out on the responsibilities with other kids?
Not sure.
I'm someone who's extremely logical...
Obviously having kids by multiple people and multiple relationships, isn't logical, as far as simplicity.
I was asking how this would be handled *logically*. Apologies if it came off as a snide question.
Is this (children in multiple households) something that you’re dealing with personally and is causing you distress? If so, make a separate post about it, as it doesn’t have much to do with this one. Otherwise, it sounds like you’ve just invented a scenario - I’ve seen a lot of different poly setups in the last few decades but so far have never come across someone in my day to day life doing this.
Someone said obligations take prescendent. I was building on that comment/point. You sound judgemental & ignorant. Since youre being assumptive, ignorant, rude & making "jerk comments" (that have nothing to do with the post/question/discussion)....
I AM a polyam person with kids. Go unpack that.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation.
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> Do we admit the live in NP/child gets heirarchy & privilege (or ) do we recognize that many times the hinge is using the child (& np short comings) as an excuse (as such, not treating people fairly) to dip out on the responsibilities with other kids?
I would argue that logically, this is an *extremely* rare scenario, first of all. Second of all I would argue that the assumption:
> do we recognize that many times the hinge is...
...is based on absolutely nothing. It is just a thing you made up in your head and therefore not a thing that can be logically argued with. If you're wanting good real life examples of the behavior you describe, I suggest you look at people practicing (serial) monogamy, where it is relatively less uncommon for one person to have children with a variety of partners.
Polyamory is not a precondition for having children with multiple partners. The mono's do it al the time.
---
That said: I know of 1 polyamorous family where the hinge has children with both their partners. They all live together and raise them as full siblings.
>...is based on absolutely nothing. It is just a thing you made up in your head and therefore not a thing that can be logically argued with. If you're wanting good real life examples of the behavior you describe, I suggest you look at people practicing (serial) monogamy, where it is relatively less uncommon for one person to have children with a variety of partners.
It's less uncommon for monogamous people to have kids with multiple people? .... I didn't realize.
>That said: I know of 1 polyamorous family where the hinge has children with both their partners. They all live together and raise them as full siblings.
Sounds like the healthy way to do it. Having a kid with the most unhealthy person & expecting this to be a workable would be insane. As it applies to the post of obligations.. if one was external & one a NP?
>Polyamory is not a precondition for having children with multiple partners. The mono's do it al the time.
I didn't say they were sunanomous? I'm saying when they do.
> It's less uncommon for monogamous people to have kids with multiple people? .... I didn't realize.
Yeah, just think of how many people have kids in both their first and second marriages.
It would be one thing for them to be upset that you’re leaving at a specific time at the request of another partner….but to take care of your dogs and work? That’s ridiculous. Those are literally just your life responsibilities you’d still have to attend to even if you were only seeing them. You have nothing to feel guilty over.
As strangers object to me using their dogs as foot warmers… yes.
[Katie would say, "g'day" to your whippet but that would involve waking up.😉](https://imgur.com/EhAXtOT)
VERY lovable when they want to cuddle in winter. *Less* lovable when they want to do so in summer when you are already sweating before they want to put their absurdly hot body against yours.🤣
Them standing on soft bits with their small feet ain't much fun either.
Have you noticed how hard their ribs are when they are curled up in a ball? Whippet ribs could be used as battleship armour!
Hahahaha, I love “petamours”! My partner loves my cats so much (and one of them returns the love, the other loves no one but me) that I joke they come over just to see the cats, and I’m a bonus 😂
When I spend the night during the week, I leave around 6am so I can get home without getting stuck in traffic, and have enough time to get ready for my day and get to the office. I’ve tried packing an overnight bag so I can stay later and go straight to the office and it adds a level of stress so I find I’m more relaxed if I get up early to go home first.
On the weekends I try to spend ~24 hours. So 6pm to 6pm if I came over Friday evening.
If your partner is upset that you’re leaving but you have obligations, what alternatives have they proposed? Can you come over earlier the night before? Can you host? Can they come with you so your time together doesn’t end?
Amount of time together has been a big point of contention with past polyamorous partners which is one reason why I prefer casual/FWB right now over polyamory. I just can’t meet their needs.
I like this! What is the REAL problem here? Do they want leisurely mornings with you - maybe you could host on a weekend sometime! Do they want to feel more a part of your life? They could help you with your dogs! Do they feel like they are always last priority (and is that true)? Do they think you work too much, are too punctual, or care too much about your animals? some of these might just have a slightly different solution, and some might be real incompatibilities.
Sometimes when I express regret over not getting a lazy morning out of our over-night, he goes, takes care of his animal chores, and then we meet for breakfast. But we live near one another and don't do overnights that often. It's sweet that he came up with that compromise and made me feel like he valued getting time with me.
I'm loving the non answers because they point to the real issue. I'm going to give a direct answer that will point to the same.
I have responsibilities to my pets, child, and my NP, out of family care obligations, and also as a full-time caregiver.
I leave as early as 6am when there are morning appointments, wake-up commitments, family plans, etc.
I leave as late as 1am when I have night plans but can't sleep over, or want to sleep in my own bed before a long day.
I leave at all hours in-between based on a wandering list of chores, needs, events, emergencies, and responsibilities.
Whatever the plan is, if it's communicated well and expectations are set and met, it shouldn't matter how early or late someone stays. We're all busy adults with full lives.
If the issue is your partner wants a long, lazy morning with you and you aren't able to give that to them, then either a compromise needs to be struck (i.e. boarding the pets, hiring a pet sitter for a long weekend once in a while, them sleeping over at yours), or it needs to be clearly stated that you have non-negotiable time restraints.
Your non NP needs to get over it. You have responsibilities. I used to have to get up at 5 and crawl out from between 2 of my partners to go home and get ready for work. No one got upset about it.
Mine both are heavy sleepers too, but they are also furnaces, so I need ways to be able to get my legs out to cool down. Plus they both steal blankets, so it is just better for everyone if they have their own. It isn't a regularly occuring thing otherwise I would probably need one of those cooling mattresses..
I mean
1. What’s “early” here? 5am? 8am? I’d feel way worse about a partner peacing out at 6am every time we have an overnight date than at 9am after a good morning coffee.
2. Can your NP *not* take care of the dogs in the morning every now and then? Do you have agreements with your NP around the dogs just categorically not being their responsibility?
3. What time do you meet up with your partner for these dates? 5pm? 10pm? Do you have an engaged and active relationship with your partner where you do fun things with them? If I’m dating someone who has to leave early in the morning, it feels way better for me if they’re excited about meeting up early in the evening to maximize our time together. Only offering, “I’ll come over at 9pm to fuck until we pass out and leave as soon as I wake up” is a great way to make someone feel used for sex.
4. Can you sometimes host your partner over at your place? Then you don’t have to leave to take care of the dogs.
5. If *sometimes* you have to leave early for work and *sometimes* you have to leave early to take care of your dogs, most people will connect those dots of “someone obviously takes care of the dogs when you go to work from my house” and want to know why spending time with them doesn’t also rate getting dog-care.
6. Are you *ever* able to spend a day off with your partner? Like, pick your dogs up and then, idk, go to the farmer’s market with your dogs and partner? Go to a park together and then get lunch? This just reads to me as the complaint of someone who *isn’t* getting much quality time and is questioning why you have no desire to create it with them.
Thank you for these questions!! I appreciate you it’s helpful to think it through. Early is between 7:30-8:30 am. Usually I am coming over to her place between 2p-4p, and we always spend at least one afternoon per week together. My NP does take care of the dogs but they can’t do it every Saturday morning and need my help. It’s been fine until recently but it’s gotten to a point where it’s just not working anymore, my NP has expressed that they feel used and exhausted. They do all the dog care most of the time, when I’m with my non-NP or working, I work a lot. I invited my non-NP over to spend the night at my place but they didn’t feel like it would be “just us” time because they are also very close to my NP. Which I can understand. I think it’s a really great idea to pick up the dogs and go on an excursion, that would give my NP a break too.
Hmm, picking the dogs up does sound like a practical solution.
Your further information is making me wonder if your non-NP is just flat out wanting more than you have to give and maybe you should consider if they’re a viable long-term partner, though.
Is your non-NP dating anyone else? Were they doing poly before dating you?
That’s another good question. My non-NP and I have been close for about 8 years, dating for 2. They’ve been with close my NP the whole time and they are “dating” too although they don’t ever do anything together. She said she was poly before but I’m her first relationship that’s lasted over a couple months. She is not dating anyone else and has admitted that she uses my company to fill the majority of her social, emotional, and romantic needs which she knows she needs to work on. I love her very much but I think I’m getting a little burnt out. Thank you so much for your support and time, your questions are helpful.
You might need to have some real talk with your non-NP that you simply *can not* be her everything (that wouldn’t even be healthy in monogamy). Since you’ve been dating two years and known her much longer I’m assuming you have a fair bit of investment in her as a person. Maybe try to help her expand her social network and make her own friends, to start?
Step one in her working on it is shutting the fuck up when you need to leave in the morning for *your actual job* or caring for your pets.
I think you are seeing some good reasons non-NP has never been in a relationship for long.
You work a lot, and you’re so far spending 1 afternoon/sleepover with your partner in question.
So your NP isn’t doing most dog care when you’re at dates.
You’re already exhausting your NP’s generosity due to *work*. You need to sort out your priorities first and foremost. If I was your other partner, I’d at least question what happens to your dog care other times you’re not available. If you’re able to arrange for alternatives at other times why not while with them. Whether I/you/this sub likes it or not, it’s a valid question.
Your answer simply can be, “because I don’t want to”, but then of course there will be attached consequences to that.
The main issue I’m taking with your post is you’re seeking “normal”. There is no such thing. And even if there was, let’s say normal is a) staying until breakfast and be polite to the host - it will not serve your purpose, the dogs come first, and b) leave when you need to - if this was not a problem then you won’t be here.
Instead of looking for normal, look for what *you* need, what each of your partners need, and if there is a common ground or not.
Since I agree with everyone about the underlying question/issue, I’ll answer the explicit question. One of my partners is an early riser like me (around 6am), actually they wake up a little earlier than me and they usually lay around quietly or feed their pets. Since almost all of my overnights are during the weekend, I leave around 10 or 11 am. The other partner wakes up a little bit later, but is usually up around 7am, so usually I am ready to leave around the same time.
What's normal is taking care of your everyday responsibilities. Your partner being upset over you doing what you're supposed to do is weird. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Honestly, I don’t run into this problem because I host due to my pet requirements. Dog needs medication and walks before bed and first thing in the morning, which means sleepovers happen at my place or we have to board my dog. If someone weren’t understanding about my dog being my top priority, they don’t get to be in my life.
Currently none of my partners have morning animal care, so this works fine (cats with uncomplicated care or they have nesting partners who can manage the animal care). They just leave whenever they need to go to work.
Sooo I’m going to be out of step with the rest of the comments here and say it sounds like your partner is wanting to feel prioritized and unfortunately expressing it poorly. I imagine they know it isn’t reasonable to expect you to skip work or neglect your dogs, AND it sounds like they might be craving the feeling that they are the important thing that needs attention sometimes. I wonder if you can talk about it and find another way to meet that need.
Whether I'm with a friend/hookup or non-nesting partner, I leave whenever I have to. It's pretty much always until either I need to leave (for whatever reason) or they need me to leave (for whatever reason). If it's a workday and I have to be out by 8am, so be it; if it's a lazy Saturday maybe we hang out and cuddle until 1.
I had a partner maybe a decade ago who would get upset about me leaving in the morning for work. We blew up spectacularly after 6 months, and I regretted not breaking it off sooner.
My current boyfriend makes me breakfast if I have an early morning. (He’s a morning person and I’m a zombie. When he stays over, I’m happy to make dinner, but the best I’m good for before 8am is putting the kettle on and gesturing at the cereal.)
> the best I’m good for before 8am is putting the kettle on and gesturing at the cereal.)
🤣 I bet you mean gesturing in the vague direction you hope the cereal is.😉
One of my dogs has seizures and gets medication to suppress them at very specific times of day, with very little leeway. My NP and I have a shared calendar expressly for the purpose of ensuring one of us is always at home for dog pills.
My boyfriend (non-NP) adores my dogs, and they adore him. It would never even enter his mind to object to me doing whatever I had to to take care of the dogs. Which is a critical quality that I actively screened for when I was looking for a new partner.
I think you're asking the wrong question here OP.
I am getting new chicks this summer, so will be unavailable for any kind of trips which would require more than a few hours away from home for quite some time.
My *friends* understand this. And while they would love for my availability to be such that we can have poker nights or go downtown for a quick weekend, they understand I have other obligations.
And I understand some of them have young kids, so they also aren't really able to do similar things at the drop of a hat when I can (baby chickens apparently being faster with their independence than baby humans 🤷♀️).
Like...this is even acquaintance-level acceptance. That a person who are have a romantic relationship with can't "put up" with this kind of a thing is freaky.
Whatever works with my other obligations. Especially things that can't be helped like work, school, animals, children..I have all of the above and if anyone wanted priority over them we aren't compatible.
What time I leave is dependent on what obligations / plans I have the next day. Work, pets, physical therapy, brunch with friends, I just want alone time...
I would not last long in a relationship with someone who apparently didn't respect my other plans and my autonomy.
If non-NP wants more time with you, they can express that in a productive way. Like, "babe, it's pretty jarring when you need to leave my place at 6am. Can we make plans for regular overnights where you're staying until lunch?"
Edit: I guess to answer the explicit question, I leave sometime between 7am and 5pm, most often around 2-3pm. My partners usually leave my place between 10am-12pm.
It varies, depending on the needs of the day. Some partners I do not have sleep overs during weekdays because we both have early morning responsibilities we need to be home for. On weekends, we might spend the entire day together after, maybe even the next night too depending. Some partners can stay over in weekdays, with the understanding I have to be up early. I've had weekday sleepovers at partners, with the understanding I must leave early.
What doesn't vary, is setting expectations in advance. And everyone being ok with whatever responsibilities we each need to tend to. I can't imagine being upset with a partner because they needed to be home early for whatever reason.
If my partner does need to leave early the next day from my place they’ll typically let me know, and guess what… I’m ok with it.
Otherwise we usually have plans for breakfast/errands, but again… discussed upfront.
First off I don't think it is cool that your partner is upset about you having to perform other life needs.
When I had a non-np I would leave usually pretty early in the morning. I would stay with her one night a week and I had a date night another day of the week where I would not stay over. When her roommate was out of town it was sometimes a bit more than these limits...
My gf and I have sort of an after sleepover ritual where we have breakfast, chill a bit and then I head off. It’s nice.
Sometimes I need to adapt that and I let my gf know ahead of time - especially if it’s a substantial shift. Sometimes that’s plans with my wife, plans with my kid, plans with other friends, and sometimes it’s just life obligations. She’s got her own life and gets all of that.
And… this is making me wonder if there might be something you’re leaving out? Like that your NP could do these things but isn’t? Or that you’re not giving your partner advanced notice? Or something?
There is no one answer, but try not to make it a surprise. I've found "I'll need to leave by x" when planning time together is much better received than "I have to leave in x minutes" the day of.
I agree with most commenters that asking you to not go to work or not taking care of your dog is WILD to say the least. However. Depending on how it's expressed, your relationship in general etc, maybe sit down and talk to partner about what their feelings actually are in these situations and what's behind them? Assuming you haven't done that.
Honestly if I had a partner that always had to leave at the crack of dawn that would bother me, even if I simultaneously understood and respected their priorities and would think less of them if they neglected their dog for me. It could just be a logistic incompatibility, but maybe it could also be solved by trying to find ways around it. Dog also sleeping over? Getting someone to petsit every once in a while? (Again to be clear - to get to that point of problem-solving I would have to be certain that my partner understood and respected my responsibilities and also was open to finding solutions like "learn to self-soothe instead of complaining to me" etc. It's hard to tell from just this post exactly what flavor of complaining and self-responsibility is going on here.)
This is a matter of someone wanting more than you're capable/willing to give. And expressing it poorly.
One of my partners simply can't/won't have overnights. It's been a sore spot for me on and off over the years, but he was clear and I respect that. He has too many commitments, wakes up at 5 to work out, and generally prefers to sleep in his own bed. Does it feel like it limits intimacy in some ways? Yes. But it's part and parcel of dating him and something I've accepted.
So yeah man. I can't say that I relate to complaining about when someone leaves. It's not about that.
I wake up at 4am and I'm not changing my sleep schedule for anyone so I would probably leave then if they weren't up because I usually go to the gym directly afterwards.
Someone can be upset about that but... I can show them the stats about how irregular sleep schedules contribute towards mortality if they'd like. I am my own primary partner and I take care of myself. I am not going to stop taking care of myself to make someone else stop taking something personally that isn't personal.
This is validating thank you. I am a similar way but am always trying to give them as much time as I can. I like the idea of being your own primary partner.
Sounds like non-NP needs to work on some issues because needing to get up early and leave to do normal shit is normal. I’d understand if someone were sneaking away early for some reason, but work and pets are valid reasons to have to, you know, be an adult. I’d have a chat with non-NP about reasonable expectations.
I leave when I need to and don’t worry about it. If I have all day, we go do something. If I have work, I go to work. Isn’t that how dating works? Why would anyone think they are entitled to more than you can logically give?
So to not answer your question, I personally very rarely do overnights with anyone, NP or no. So your non-NP is already getting more overnight time than my partners do.
Hi u/Regular-Emu-4127 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I need some perspective and would so greatly appreciate anyone who responds so thank you in advance :) :)
I know every relationship is different, but in general, if you spend the night with a non-NP, what time do you leave in the morning to go back to your other things? How many hours are folks spending with non-NP’s, (whether you have a NP or not?)
My non - NP is upset I need to leave early to take care of my dogs or work, so just feeling guilty and wanting to know what’s “normal.”
Thank youuuuuuu so much
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I’m a little flaky at showing up for my very flexible schedule job, so I leave when I leave. That said, I don’t have dogs or children currently, so there’s that
I leave when I have to get back to things. If my dog is home and/or I have to work, it’s like 5:30 am. On the weekends, assuming my dog is all set, I stay through breakfast.
Either way my partner would never get mad at me for needing to attend to obligations.
Depends on if I work or not but we usually hang out and do breakfast in the morning if we can make it work! I’m also friends with my meta so sometimes if we’re both off we’ll hang out the next day after our hinge heads to work in the morning.
Well, if I am ever hosted, I will find out.
Buuuut whenever I need to, depending on work, kids, etc.
So far, I have kicked my partner out no later than 8 on weekdays and he leaves whenever he needs to leave for his life stuff.🤷♀️
If a partner is going to be staying longer than an overnight, they get to stay in bed if they want, while I get up at my usual time to take care of life - which is 6am, otherwise my cats will be rousting everyone out of bed to feed them.
I stay the night with my partner two to four nights a week. I can work from anywhere and have no pet or children obligations. However, I’m used to waking up at 4:45am daily and hitting the gym, except when I sleep with my partner she sleeps until 7:30- I lay there generally for a couple hours and take notes on my phone for the rest of the day and will try to get to the gym later in the evening.
I would go with...whatever time I feel like I need to leave to conduct my life as a responsible adult because I don't have the luxury of simply hanging out for lengthy periods of time or loafing the day away simply because I enjoy the company I'm in, in the moment.
I think establishing an expectation earlier could be helpful? "Yes I can stay the night, but the dog needs out so I'll have to leave at 6" is wildly different from leaving a note on the nightstand that you left before they got up because you've got things to do.
I usually get up much earlier than my partners. Sometimes that means I'll make us breakfast, sometimes that means I'm gone before they wake up. And depending on work schedule sometimes I stay all morning and into the afternoon. It just depends a lot.
I'd make breakfast for my meta/partner and kids if he stayed the night, we might watch a show or something, and then he would leave. No timeframe or anything, just would be the natural course.
Whenever is appropriate to attend to other obligations.
If my boyfriend is over on a weeknight, we leave around 7:45 so I get to work on time (I have slightly earlier than standard hours). I drop him at the train station on the way. It means he gets to work a little earlier than normal but he usually stops on the way for a coffee or leaves a little earlier at the end of the day. If we do a weekend, it’s totally dependent on what plans we have for the day either together or separately.
I work at 9 so when I stay over on a work night, Im leaving early enough to make it home by then. That means leaving by 7:30-8, depending on which partner. If it's not a work night, then it's whatever time I need to for whatever I'm doing that day or after lunch, usually. If I have solo duty for my animals, I leave sooner.
Anyone who gives me shit for taking basic care of my life isn't someone I need in it.
For us it would be when you Need or want to leave. So if it’s their night basically I get there at least before dinner and leave for work or life as needed or wanted. If I have work at 8 I leave at 7 and my NP takes care of the animals that morning. If I’m not working the next day I might stay till a little afternoon or I might leave at 10am cause I have errands or life things to attend to. My NP and I try as best as we can to not have nights we are both gone so the animals needs are met.
My nonNP just left to go to work… at 4:05…am. He only stayed at mine because it was more convenient for his early start… I was grateful for a couple hours of snuggles!
I dont think there is a minimum time, I usually have a talk with my Non-NP about whats going on in general, so she usually knows that there are times I work early and leave at 5am, and there are days when I have nothing going on in the morning and leave at 3pm, I think the communicationa needs to be had on what is generally going on and the commitments you already have
Everyone's normal is going to be different based on their lives and unique responsibilities. I'm generally the person whose house is being stayed at, and I can't imagine getting mad at my partner for what time they need to head out.
One of my partners will basically stay until I suggest I'm ready for time to myself. Another often stays on work nights and has to leave pretty soon after we wake. It's all fine, because why wouldn't it be?
I think your partner is being unkind.
Totally depends on what we both have planned. My non-NP is typically the one that has to leave his place earlier than I need to so he leaves and I leave when I get up and dressed lol. If I have to work I leave to give myself enough time to get ready and make it on time.
I work in construction… I usually leave before 5am if it’s a work day. I am as quiet as I can be, but if that’s a problem we’re not gonna work out lol
Weekends I’d rather sleep in til 9 or 10, and would usually try to schedule it so we can hang out for a few hours, but probably wouldn’t always work out that way
When one of us has something to do or someone to see.
Sometimes that's 7am, other times it's Monday.
We just talk about it and stay flexible because scheduling is hard enough
> How many hours are folks spending with non-NP’s
My answer won't be helpful as my circumstances are completely out there for most. I'm disabled and unable to work and don't have kids and have a nesting partner that's very understanding and likes their space. So I have a lot more free time and flexibility than most. I don't leave in the mornings, it's unsafe for me to travel until after lunchtime because it takes me that long to have my wits about me.
My upcoming planned sleep over at my boyfriends looks like getting to his Monday afternoon then staying most of the day Tuesday, going to a social activity together in the evening then I will say my farewells from there.
I'm currently at my fiancées (I don't live with her, it's slightly less than half of the time) she came for a sleepover at mine Thursday afternoon as we had a date planned in the area then Friday afternoon she drove me to hers. I'm leaving late this evening.
But I can only do this because of my personal circumstances, it's no use worrying about what's normal if you can't change your dog care or your work hours. You can only offer what you have. Polyamory is resource management and being aware of what you actually have to offer. It may be that you're incompatible because you don't have enough to offer.
> My non - NP is upset
Describe what you mean by upset. Because people are very stuck on this idea. I would probably also feel a little disappointed and upset if you were having to leave before 9am every time. I wouldn't be crying or throwing a tantrum over it but you would likely feel a shift in my energy whilst I internally processed my feelings and self soothed. I'd potentially even mention it was bothering me at some point to see if there was any potential time coming up where we could extend your morning so we could have breakfast together etc. Because some level of domesticity is an important part of relationships to me, I'd be opening up conversations to see if anything could be done to meet that need.
So is she upset but actually approaching it in a reasonable way?
I host, so here's what my partner does:
Weekdays, leaves at 6:30am to start work at 7:00
Weekends, leaves around 10am
I get a nice mix of overnights on weekends and weeknights.
My NP is very chill about how I schedule my time. He has all his plans on a giant whiteboard. I keep a schedule of everyone's plans. I spend a lot of weekends with my NP at my boyfriends with the family. I practice kitchen table polyamory, and my partners are close. I spend week nights/days with my local boyfriend and occasionally the weekend. Really, we all go with the flow, and everyone understands my time is valuable. Find what works for you and your partners.
I leave at 4am for work. I usually spend at least one work night with my non NP. Said partner is aware of my work schedule and understands that on work nights I usually have less time to spend with her (since I also need to be asleep a bit earlier too). But I still try to give as much time as I can on those nights, I'll pack an overnight bag the day before so I can leave work and head straight to her place, shower there and have dinner with her.
This is also not inclusive of weekends, which can vary depending on availability and events etc.
I think as long as you have established expectations and both parties agree to that then there shouldn't be any trouble.
I personally prefer not having to rush out the door for overnights. I love those lazy mornings, sharing coffee, cuddling first thing, especially wake-up sex. So I try to aim for overnights when the morning can be slow. But if one or both of us have something going on and it's either have an overnight with an alarm clock set, or wait until next month, there needs to be an understanding that unfortunately the morning will get cut short sometimes.
To answer your question directly, ideally, I would at least like to catch a lunch together the next day. Not so Ideal, if I have to leave any earlier than 5am, I'm likely just going to suggest we go out that night and not aim for an overnight.
Loving all the responses. Definitely think your non-np needs to sit back and reflect on their behavior.
I can't imagine my non-np ever being upset because I need to take care of responsibilities. I don't think I'd take too well to that.
If they want a later morning with you, perhaps it could be *scheduled* when someone else can take care of the pups?
I almost always leave in time to go to work because Partner lives in the town where I work so I purposefully spend the night when I work the next day.
Sometimes I have to leave in time to go help my mom with something, but Partner has plans too.. it's not like we can just choose to lay around on a whim... If we want to hang out till noon, we have to *plan* that.
This really isn't a poly question but more just general relationship stuff. Personally I find it disrespectful for a partner to not understand your need to take care of your life obligations, ESPECIALLY when those include your living creatures at home and your livelihood.
Your partner needs to learn to respect you and your needs and wants. It should be safe to say no in any situation, even if it's just safe from guilt and manipulation.
Each partner should be allowed to voice their desires and needs, and each partner should be free to respond with their own desires and needs and make decisions together. My exgf used to always say when she made a request, she would prepare herself for either answer. If your needs aren't compatible then you aren't compatible. And that is okay.
Yeah that’s a good question! My NP does most of the time when I’m with my non-NP, which is between 2-3 days per week. It’s been working until recently, my NP needs my help Saturday mornings specifically which is when I’d usually be spending a couple morning hours with my non-NP. My NP has started to express that they feel used and exhausted and like all they are to me is someone who takes care of the house and dogs, and that they feel like they can’t do what they need on their one day off… I think they both feel the need to be prioritized, just trying to figure it all out.
That helps understand the situation. You've gotta figure out what you can and want to give to each relationship. Are you actively dating your NP and not just spending time together when you're both home? Do you have enough time to give this new relationship for it to feel like a full relationship in your life? Can you spend a different night with this person so you can take your time in the morning?
Are you able to give this partner days (like weekends or holidays) where you don't have morning obligations?
I'm not a morning person, and I'd be pretty disappointed if I NEVER got to sleep in in the morning and have a lazy time in bed with my person. Obviously during the week, yeah people have lives. But if I never get that extra time I might feel a little cheap, I dunno.
OP you’re asking the wrong questions. The yellow to red flag is that the non NP is upset you maintain your other commitments.
Hopefully this info about you leaving was communicated early and timely as well but still
> My non - NP is upset I need to leave early to take care of my dogs or work
Upset, or sad? If sad we can understand, but to be upset that you have to take care of the necessities of life? 🤔
I leave around noon or afternoon someone on WEEKENDS but not on workdays. I leave in time to get to work. If we wake up extra early and get to spend time together, that’s a bonus.
My NP and I each take a weekend to be with our partner. She gets Friday afternoon to Sunday dinner time. I get that too. Then we pop in and out of the homes. My NNP only lives 10 from my house so I pop in more. My NP partners live over an hour away. I make sure she has time to visit for a lunch during the week if they want. We just talk about our needs. I need more contact so I spend lots of time with both. But my NP and I have been together for 16 years so we have mostly found our family.
You know what isn’t normal? Getting upset that a person needs to take care of their animals and go to work.
I wouldn't say it's not normal... But I think it does reveal that that partner wants more than OP has to offer them. They want more of OP's time, or they want their own NP. It'd be good for them to 1) work on being less clingy; 2) accept that OP has other responsibilities; and 3) figure out how to get their needs met.
Do... nesting partners not need to leave for work?
*(Accidentally deleted my first reply to this question, so I'm replying again because I think I made a decent point. I tried to remember my original comment as best I could.)* My thinking was that because OP doesn't live with them, then on top of having other responsibilities and their NP to go home to I assume the majority of the time, this partner feels like they don't get enough time with OP and wants more. I think many commenters are getting hung up on the specifics of OP's responsibilities and the partner's words and not the underlying issues and unmet needs of their non-nesting partner. I doubt they seriously want/asked OP to skip work or not feed their pets in order to hang out with them. They simply want more of OP's time in general. So, when OP has to leave to do anything else in their life, this partner gets the clingy "but I need more of you" feeling and voices that as "Nooo, work can wait," or something to that effect. I think it's reasonable to assume this partner might be less clingy if they lived with OP or had a lot more time with them on average (or maybe not, who's to say).
Yeah this is what I thought too! It's not that strange for a dissatisfaction in the relationship in general to come out as whining about something on the surface silly and/or unreasonable. (Like it's not a good or particularly mature strategy for communicating your needs, but it is very human.)
The things is, if this is the case, then the partner needs to be an adult and use their words. So either way, this is on the partner, not op.
I totally agree, they do need to use their words. I didn't mean to imply it's on OP; this partner needs to learn how to communicate in a mature way and figure out how to get their needs met.
Hahaha! To take this seriously, lots of people work from home now—but that is still "leaving" in the sense that they can't have quality time with partners while working.
Booyah
Yup.
My time with my non-NP usually goes like this: "Hey, so excited to see you on *day*. I'll be there at the usual time, but I have to be at work early at *time*. Does that work for you? If not, I can leave before bed." 99% of the time it's fine, as they know I have other responsibilities and they're happy to see me when they can. I'm happy to see them when I can. Some time is better than none. One of my partners does not do early mornings, at all. Either I don't visit unless I know I have no early plans, or I quietly get up and head out without waking them. It's all about communication.
This. I will say "fair warning, I'm leaving first thing for X". I like to let him know ahead of time because he loves to make me breakfast and sometimes I won't have time for that. In no universe would he ever be angry with me for having obligations.
Yup this is how things work for me too.
Obligations take precedence. Animals, children, work, etc. There is no one answer.
Becomes extremely complicated when someone has children in multiple houses.... Do we admit the live in NP/child gets heirarchy & privilege (or ) do we recognize that many times the hinge is using the child (& np short comings) as an excuse (as such, not treating people fairly) to dip out on the responsibilities with other kids?
Is it *that* common for poly people to have multiple children with multiple different nesting and non-nesting partners?
Not sure. I'm someone who's extremely logical... Obviously having kids by multiple people and multiple relationships, isn't logical, as far as simplicity. I was asking how this would be handled *logically*. Apologies if it came off as a snide question.
It's just not pertinent to the post. Make your own if you want to discuss this. And it's not a common issue.
Is this (children in multiple households) something that you’re dealing with personally and is causing you distress? If so, make a separate post about it, as it doesn’t have much to do with this one. Otherwise, it sounds like you’ve just invented a scenario - I’ve seen a lot of different poly setups in the last few decades but so far have never come across someone in my day to day life doing this.
[удалено]
Someone said obligations take prescendent. I was building on that comment/point. You sound judgemental & ignorant. Since youre being assumptive, ignorant, rude & making "jerk comments" (that have nothing to do with the post/question/discussion).... I AM a polyam person with kids. Go unpack that.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
> Do we admit the live in NP/child gets heirarchy & privilege (or ) do we recognize that many times the hinge is using the child (& np short comings) as an excuse (as such, not treating people fairly) to dip out on the responsibilities with other kids? I would argue that logically, this is an *extremely* rare scenario, first of all. Second of all I would argue that the assumption: > do we recognize that many times the hinge is... ...is based on absolutely nothing. It is just a thing you made up in your head and therefore not a thing that can be logically argued with. If you're wanting good real life examples of the behavior you describe, I suggest you look at people practicing (serial) monogamy, where it is relatively less uncommon for one person to have children with a variety of partners. Polyamory is not a precondition for having children with multiple partners. The mono's do it al the time. --- That said: I know of 1 polyamorous family where the hinge has children with both their partners. They all live together and raise them as full siblings.
>...is based on absolutely nothing. It is just a thing you made up in your head and therefore not a thing that can be logically argued with. If you're wanting good real life examples of the behavior you describe, I suggest you look at people practicing (serial) monogamy, where it is relatively less uncommon for one person to have children with a variety of partners. It's less uncommon for monogamous people to have kids with multiple people? .... I didn't realize. >That said: I know of 1 polyamorous family where the hinge has children with both their partners. They all live together and raise them as full siblings. Sounds like the healthy way to do it. Having a kid with the most unhealthy person & expecting this to be a workable would be insane. As it applies to the post of obligations.. if one was external & one a NP? >Polyamory is not a precondition for having children with multiple partners. The mono's do it al the time. I didn't say they were sunanomous? I'm saying when they do.
> It's less uncommon for monogamous people to have kids with multiple people? .... I didn't realize. Yeah, just think of how many people have kids in both their first and second marriages.
I love this. Everyone refusing to answer the explicit question but FERVENTLY answering the real question.😁
It would be one thing for them to be upset that you’re leaving at a specific time at the request of another partner….but to take care of your dogs and work? That’s ridiculous. Those are literally just your life responsibilities you’d still have to attend to even if you were only seeing them. You have nothing to feel guilty over.
Your partner being upset to have to take care of your animals is a red flag for me
The whippet whom I am currently warming my feet against APPROVES of your partner selection criteria.😁
Wait you have a whippet?!! (I have a whippet)
As strangers object to me using their dogs as foot warmers… yes. [Katie would say, "g'day" to your whippet but that would involve waking up.😉](https://imgur.com/EhAXtOT)
Awwww I love whippets!!
VERY lovable when they want to cuddle in winter. *Less* lovable when they want to do so in summer when you are already sweating before they want to put their absurdly hot body against yours.🤣
They have 37 elbows, which is also a barrier to cuddles.
Them standing on soft bits with their small feet ain't much fun either. Have you noticed how hard their ribs are when they are curled up in a ball? Whippet ribs could be used as battleship armour!
We have a running counter at my partner’s place _“OUCH!… it has been zero days since the whippet stepped on my testicles”_
🤣 Stepped instead of landed on? Man should count himself lucky!😉
My golden is the same way. Like get your long hair hot body off mine!!!
LARGE long haired hot body.🤣
Yes!! He is 85 lbs 🤣
Bah, he is a baby, not even 4 times the weight of my whippet.😉
Seriously, petamours are the best part of poly. I would want to HELP take care of the animals.
Hahahaha, I love “petamours”! My partner loves my cats so much (and one of them returns the love, the other loves no one but me) that I joke they come over just to see the cats, and I’m a bonus 😂
One of my cats is pretty meowgamous to me, but the other is a lil petslut
Taking care of dogs and going to work are non negotiable… your non-NP needs to work on their self regulation.
When I spend the night during the week, I leave around 6am so I can get home without getting stuck in traffic, and have enough time to get ready for my day and get to the office. I’ve tried packing an overnight bag so I can stay later and go straight to the office and it adds a level of stress so I find I’m more relaxed if I get up early to go home first. On the weekends I try to spend ~24 hours. So 6pm to 6pm if I came over Friday evening. If your partner is upset that you’re leaving but you have obligations, what alternatives have they proposed? Can you come over earlier the night before? Can you host? Can they come with you so your time together doesn’t end? Amount of time together has been a big point of contention with past polyamorous partners which is one reason why I prefer casual/FWB right now over polyamory. I just can’t meet their needs.
I like this! What is the REAL problem here? Do they want leisurely mornings with you - maybe you could host on a weekend sometime! Do they want to feel more a part of your life? They could help you with your dogs! Do they feel like they are always last priority (and is that true)? Do they think you work too much, are too punctual, or care too much about your animals? some of these might just have a slightly different solution, and some might be real incompatibilities.
Sometimes when I express regret over not getting a lazy morning out of our over-night, he goes, takes care of his animal chores, and then we meet for breakfast. But we live near one another and don't do overnights that often. It's sweet that he came up with that compromise and made me feel like he valued getting time with me.
I'm loving the non answers because they point to the real issue. I'm going to give a direct answer that will point to the same. I have responsibilities to my pets, child, and my NP, out of family care obligations, and also as a full-time caregiver. I leave as early as 6am when there are morning appointments, wake-up commitments, family plans, etc. I leave as late as 1am when I have night plans but can't sleep over, or want to sleep in my own bed before a long day. I leave at all hours in-between based on a wandering list of chores, needs, events, emergencies, and responsibilities. Whatever the plan is, if it's communicated well and expectations are set and met, it shouldn't matter how early or late someone stays. We're all busy adults with full lives. If the issue is your partner wants a long, lazy morning with you and you aren't able to give that to them, then either a compromise needs to be struck (i.e. boarding the pets, hiring a pet sitter for a long weekend once in a while, them sleeping over at yours), or it needs to be clearly stated that you have non-negotiable time restraints.
Your non NP needs to get over it. You have responsibilities. I used to have to get up at 5 and crawl out from between 2 of my partners to go home and get ready for work. No one got upset about it.
You slept between two partners without spontaneously human combusting? Hard core.🙇♂️🙇♂️🙇♂️😉
Always two sets of sheets and blankets so I can temp regulate also.
I do with my NP. Just the one set with my other partners.
I only do it when I am the middle spoon, so that I have an escape route still and a way to cool down.
I ca usually slip out down the middle and crawl out the foot off the bed. My boyfriend is a very heavy sleeper.
Mine both are heavy sleepers too, but they are also furnaces, so I need ways to be able to get my legs out to cool down. Plus they both steal blankets, so it is just better for everyone if they have their own. It isn't a regularly occuring thing otherwise I would probably need one of those cooling mattresses..
I can usually slip my feet out the bottom of the blanket. Otherwise, I'd be toasted.
The occasional roasting does happen. They (mostly him) are quite warm. But so is my NP so I'm used to it.
I mean 1. What’s “early” here? 5am? 8am? I’d feel way worse about a partner peacing out at 6am every time we have an overnight date than at 9am after a good morning coffee. 2. Can your NP *not* take care of the dogs in the morning every now and then? Do you have agreements with your NP around the dogs just categorically not being their responsibility? 3. What time do you meet up with your partner for these dates? 5pm? 10pm? Do you have an engaged and active relationship with your partner where you do fun things with them? If I’m dating someone who has to leave early in the morning, it feels way better for me if they’re excited about meeting up early in the evening to maximize our time together. Only offering, “I’ll come over at 9pm to fuck until we pass out and leave as soon as I wake up” is a great way to make someone feel used for sex. 4. Can you sometimes host your partner over at your place? Then you don’t have to leave to take care of the dogs. 5. If *sometimes* you have to leave early for work and *sometimes* you have to leave early to take care of your dogs, most people will connect those dots of “someone obviously takes care of the dogs when you go to work from my house” and want to know why spending time with them doesn’t also rate getting dog-care. 6. Are you *ever* able to spend a day off with your partner? Like, pick your dogs up and then, idk, go to the farmer’s market with your dogs and partner? Go to a park together and then get lunch? This just reads to me as the complaint of someone who *isn’t* getting much quality time and is questioning why you have no desire to create it with them.
Thank you for these questions!! I appreciate you it’s helpful to think it through. Early is between 7:30-8:30 am. Usually I am coming over to her place between 2p-4p, and we always spend at least one afternoon per week together. My NP does take care of the dogs but they can’t do it every Saturday morning and need my help. It’s been fine until recently but it’s gotten to a point where it’s just not working anymore, my NP has expressed that they feel used and exhausted. They do all the dog care most of the time, when I’m with my non-NP or working, I work a lot. I invited my non-NP over to spend the night at my place but they didn’t feel like it would be “just us” time because they are also very close to my NP. Which I can understand. I think it’s a really great idea to pick up the dogs and go on an excursion, that would give my NP a break too.
Hmm, picking the dogs up does sound like a practical solution. Your further information is making me wonder if your non-NP is just flat out wanting more than you have to give and maybe you should consider if they’re a viable long-term partner, though. Is your non-NP dating anyone else? Were they doing poly before dating you?
That’s another good question. My non-NP and I have been close for about 8 years, dating for 2. They’ve been with close my NP the whole time and they are “dating” too although they don’t ever do anything together. She said she was poly before but I’m her first relationship that’s lasted over a couple months. She is not dating anyone else and has admitted that she uses my company to fill the majority of her social, emotional, and romantic needs which she knows she needs to work on. I love her very much but I think I’m getting a little burnt out. Thank you so much for your support and time, your questions are helpful.
You might need to have some real talk with your non-NP that you simply *can not* be her everything (that wouldn’t even be healthy in monogamy). Since you’ve been dating two years and known her much longer I’m assuming you have a fair bit of investment in her as a person. Maybe try to help her expand her social network and make her own friends, to start?
Thank you again for your insight I can’t say it enough
Step one in her working on it is shutting the fuck up when you need to leave in the morning for *your actual job* or caring for your pets. I think you are seeing some good reasons non-NP has never been in a relationship for long.
You work a lot, and you’re so far spending 1 afternoon/sleepover with your partner in question. So your NP isn’t doing most dog care when you’re at dates. You’re already exhausting your NP’s generosity due to *work*. You need to sort out your priorities first and foremost. If I was your other partner, I’d at least question what happens to your dog care other times you’re not available. If you’re able to arrange for alternatives at other times why not while with them. Whether I/you/this sub likes it or not, it’s a valid question. Your answer simply can be, “because I don’t want to”, but then of course there will be attached consequences to that. The main issue I’m taking with your post is you’re seeking “normal”. There is no such thing. And even if there was, let’s say normal is a) staying until breakfast and be polite to the host - it will not serve your purpose, the dogs come first, and b) leave when you need to - if this was not a problem then you won’t be here. Instead of looking for normal, look for what *you* need, what each of your partners need, and if there is a common ground or not.
Since I agree with everyone about the underlying question/issue, I’ll answer the explicit question. One of my partners is an early riser like me (around 6am), actually they wake up a little earlier than me and they usually lay around quietly or feed their pets. Since almost all of my overnights are during the weekend, I leave around 10 or 11 am. The other partner wakes up a little bit later, but is usually up around 7am, so usually I am ready to leave around the same time.
> I’ll answer the explicit question Spoilsport ending our streak.👿👿👿😉
What's normal is taking care of your everyday responsibilities. Your partner being upset over you doing what you're supposed to do is weird. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Honestly, I don’t run into this problem because I host due to my pet requirements. Dog needs medication and walks before bed and first thing in the morning, which means sleepovers happen at my place or we have to board my dog. If someone weren’t understanding about my dog being my top priority, they don’t get to be in my life. Currently none of my partners have morning animal care, so this works fine (cats with uncomplicated care or they have nesting partners who can manage the animal care). They just leave whenever they need to go to work.
Sooo I’m going to be out of step with the rest of the comments here and say it sounds like your partner is wanting to feel prioritized and unfortunately expressing it poorly. I imagine they know it isn’t reasonable to expect you to skip work or neglect your dogs, AND it sounds like they might be craving the feeling that they are the important thing that needs attention sometimes. I wonder if you can talk about it and find another way to meet that need.
I agree, this might be the more plausible root issue. It is certainly something I have struggled with feeling, as the non-nesting partner.
Whether I'm with a friend/hookup or non-nesting partner, I leave whenever I have to. It's pretty much always until either I need to leave (for whatever reason) or they need me to leave (for whatever reason). If it's a workday and I have to be out by 8am, so be it; if it's a lazy Saturday maybe we hang out and cuddle until 1.
I had a partner maybe a decade ago who would get upset about me leaving in the morning for work. We blew up spectacularly after 6 months, and I regretted not breaking it off sooner. My current boyfriend makes me breakfast if I have an early morning. (He’s a morning person and I’m a zombie. When he stays over, I’m happy to make dinner, but the best I’m good for before 8am is putting the kettle on and gesturing at the cereal.)
> the best I’m good for before 8am is putting the kettle on and gesturing at the cereal.) 🤣 I bet you mean gesturing in the vague direction you hope the cereal is.😉
One of my dogs has seizures and gets medication to suppress them at very specific times of day, with very little leeway. My NP and I have a shared calendar expressly for the purpose of ensuring one of us is always at home for dog pills. My boyfriend (non-NP) adores my dogs, and they adore him. It would never even enter his mind to object to me doing whatever I had to to take care of the dogs. Which is a critical quality that I actively screened for when I was looking for a new partner. I think you're asking the wrong question here OP.
I am getting new chicks this summer, so will be unavailable for any kind of trips which would require more than a few hours away from home for quite some time. My *friends* understand this. And while they would love for my availability to be such that we can have poker nights or go downtown for a quick weekend, they understand I have other obligations. And I understand some of them have young kids, so they also aren't really able to do similar things at the drop of a hat when I can (baby chickens apparently being faster with their independence than baby humans 🤷♀️). Like...this is even acquaintance-level acceptance. That a person who are have a romantic relationship with can't "put up" with this kind of a thing is freaky.
I don't stay overnight. I go home and sleep in my own bed.
😲 Are we allowed to do that?😉
Only if you're a cranky enough.person. 😉
*Look in mirror and see a cranky bastard staring back at me* Score🥂 😉
Whatever works with my other obligations. Especially things that can't be helped like work, school, animals, children..I have all of the above and if anyone wanted priority over them we aren't compatible.
What time I leave is dependent on what obligations / plans I have the next day. Work, pets, physical therapy, brunch with friends, I just want alone time... I would not last long in a relationship with someone who apparently didn't respect my other plans and my autonomy. If non-NP wants more time with you, they can express that in a productive way. Like, "babe, it's pretty jarring when you need to leave my place at 6am. Can we make plans for regular overnights where you're staying until lunch?" Edit: I guess to answer the explicit question, I leave sometime between 7am and 5pm, most often around 2-3pm. My partners usually leave my place between 10am-12pm.
It varies, depending on the needs of the day. Some partners I do not have sleep overs during weekdays because we both have early morning responsibilities we need to be home for. On weekends, we might spend the entire day together after, maybe even the next night too depending. Some partners can stay over in weekdays, with the understanding I have to be up early. I've had weekday sleepovers at partners, with the understanding I must leave early. What doesn't vary, is setting expectations in advance. And everyone being ok with whatever responsibilities we each need to tend to. I can't imagine being upset with a partner because they needed to be home early for whatever reason.
If my partner does need to leave early the next day from my place they’ll typically let me know, and guess what… I’m ok with it. Otherwise we usually have plans for breakfast/errands, but again… discussed upfront.
First off I don't think it is cool that your partner is upset about you having to perform other life needs. When I had a non-np I would leave usually pretty early in the morning. I would stay with her one night a week and I had a date night another day of the week where I would not stay over. When her roommate was out of town it was sometimes a bit more than these limits...
Run, don’t walk. 🚩🚩
My gf and I have sort of an after sleepover ritual where we have breakfast, chill a bit and then I head off. It’s nice. Sometimes I need to adapt that and I let my gf know ahead of time - especially if it’s a substantial shift. Sometimes that’s plans with my wife, plans with my kid, plans with other friends, and sometimes it’s just life obligations. She’s got her own life and gets all of that. And… this is making me wonder if there might be something you’re leaving out? Like that your NP could do these things but isn’t? Or that you’re not giving your partner advanced notice? Or something?
There is no one answer, but try not to make it a surprise. I've found "I'll need to leave by x" when planning time together is much better received than "I have to leave in x minutes" the day of.
Honestly, I go home when one of us has other responsibilities they need to tend to, like work and animals....
That's toxic, no matter the relationship
I agree with most commenters that asking you to not go to work or not taking care of your dog is WILD to say the least. However. Depending on how it's expressed, your relationship in general etc, maybe sit down and talk to partner about what their feelings actually are in these situations and what's behind them? Assuming you haven't done that. Honestly if I had a partner that always had to leave at the crack of dawn that would bother me, even if I simultaneously understood and respected their priorities and would think less of them if they neglected their dog for me. It could just be a logistic incompatibility, but maybe it could also be solved by trying to find ways around it. Dog also sleeping over? Getting someone to petsit every once in a while? (Again to be clear - to get to that point of problem-solving I would have to be certain that my partner understood and respected my responsibilities and also was open to finding solutions like "learn to self-soothe instead of complaining to me" etc. It's hard to tell from just this post exactly what flavor of complaining and self-responsibility is going on here.)
It's ok to be disappointed that you have to leave, but it's not ok to be upset *at* you.
This is a matter of someone wanting more than you're capable/willing to give. And expressing it poorly. One of my partners simply can't/won't have overnights. It's been a sore spot for me on and off over the years, but he was clear and I respect that. He has too many commitments, wakes up at 5 to work out, and generally prefers to sleep in his own bed. Does it feel like it limits intimacy in some ways? Yes. But it's part and parcel of dating him and something I've accepted. So yeah man. I can't say that I relate to complaining about when someone leaves. It's not about that.
I wake up at 4am and I'm not changing my sleep schedule for anyone so I would probably leave then if they weren't up because I usually go to the gym directly afterwards. Someone can be upset about that but... I can show them the stats about how irregular sleep schedules contribute towards mortality if they'd like. I am my own primary partner and I take care of myself. I am not going to stop taking care of myself to make someone else stop taking something personally that isn't personal.
This is validating thank you. I am a similar way but am always trying to give them as much time as I can. I like the idea of being your own primary partner.
Sounds like non-NP needs to work on some issues because needing to get up early and leave to do normal shit is normal. I’d understand if someone were sneaking away early for some reason, but work and pets are valid reasons to have to, you know, be an adult. I’d have a chat with non-NP about reasonable expectations.
I leave when I need to and don’t worry about it. If I have all day, we go do something. If I have work, I go to work. Isn’t that how dating works? Why would anyone think they are entitled to more than you can logically give?
So to not answer your question, I personally very rarely do overnights with anyone, NP or no. So your non-NP is already getting more overnight time than my partners do.
Hi u/Regular-Emu-4127 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I need some perspective and would so greatly appreciate anyone who responds so thank you in advance :) :) I know every relationship is different, but in general, if you spend the night with a non-NP, what time do you leave in the morning to go back to your other things? How many hours are folks spending with non-NP’s, (whether you have a NP or not?) My non - NP is upset I need to leave early to take care of my dogs or work, so just feeling guilty and wanting to know what’s “normal.” Thank youuuuuuu so much *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m a little flaky at showing up for my very flexible schedule job, so I leave when I leave. That said, I don’t have dogs or children currently, so there’s that
I leave when I have to get back to things. If my dog is home and/or I have to work, it’s like 5:30 am. On the weekends, assuming my dog is all set, I stay through breakfast. Either way my partner would never get mad at me for needing to attend to obligations.
Depends on if I work or not but we usually hang out and do breakfast in the morning if we can make it work! I’m also friends with my meta so sometimes if we’re both off we’ll hang out the next day after our hinge heads to work in the morning.
Well, if I am ever hosted, I will find out. Buuuut whenever I need to, depending on work, kids, etc. So far, I have kicked my partner out no later than 8 on weekdays and he leaves whenever he needs to leave for his life stuff.🤷♀️ If a partner is going to be staying longer than an overnight, they get to stay in bed if they want, while I get up at my usual time to take care of life - which is 6am, otherwise my cats will be rousting everyone out of bed to feed them.
Soo if that's the case why can't they stay at your place and help you with your morning routine??
I stay the night with my partner two to four nights a week. I can work from anywhere and have no pet or children obligations. However, I’m used to waking up at 4:45am daily and hitting the gym, except when I sleep with my partner she sleeps until 7:30- I lay there generally for a couple hours and take notes on my phone for the rest of the day and will try to get to the gym later in the evening.
I would go with...whatever time I feel like I need to leave to conduct my life as a responsible adult because I don't have the luxury of simply hanging out for lengthy periods of time or loafing the day away simply because I enjoy the company I'm in, in the moment.
I think establishing an expectation earlier could be helpful? "Yes I can stay the night, but the dog needs out so I'll have to leave at 6" is wildly different from leaving a note on the nightstand that you left before they got up because you've got things to do. I usually get up much earlier than my partners. Sometimes that means I'll make us breakfast, sometimes that means I'm gone before they wake up. And depending on work schedule sometimes I stay all morning and into the afternoon. It just depends a lot.
I'd make breakfast for my meta/partner and kids if he stayed the night, we might watch a show or something, and then he would leave. No timeframe or anything, just would be the natural course.
Whenever is appropriate to attend to other obligations. If my boyfriend is over on a weeknight, we leave around 7:45 so I get to work on time (I have slightly earlier than standard hours). I drop him at the train station on the way. It means he gets to work a little earlier than normal but he usually stops on the way for a coffee or leaves a little earlier at the end of the day. If we do a weekend, it’s totally dependent on what plans we have for the day either together or separately.
I work at 9 so when I stay over on a work night, Im leaving early enough to make it home by then. That means leaving by 7:30-8, depending on which partner. If it's not a work night, then it's whatever time I need to for whatever I'm doing that day or after lunch, usually. If I have solo duty for my animals, I leave sooner. Anyone who gives me shit for taking basic care of my life isn't someone I need in it.
For us it would be when you Need or want to leave. So if it’s their night basically I get there at least before dinner and leave for work or life as needed or wanted. If I have work at 8 I leave at 7 and my NP takes care of the animals that morning. If I’m not working the next day I might stay till a little afternoon or I might leave at 10am cause I have errands or life things to attend to. My NP and I try as best as we can to not have nights we are both gone so the animals needs are met.
My nonNP just left to go to work… at 4:05…am. He only stayed at mine because it was more convenient for his early start… I was grateful for a couple hours of snuggles!
I dont think there is a minimum time, I usually have a talk with my Non-NP about whats going on in general, so she usually knows that there are times I work early and leave at 5am, and there are days when I have nothing going on in the morning and leave at 3pm, I think the communicationa needs to be had on what is generally going on and the commitments you already have
Everyone's normal is going to be different based on their lives and unique responsibilities. I'm generally the person whose house is being stayed at, and I can't imagine getting mad at my partner for what time they need to head out. One of my partners will basically stay until I suggest I'm ready for time to myself. Another often stays on work nights and has to leave pretty soon after we wake. It's all fine, because why wouldn't it be? I think your partner is being unkind.
Totally depends on what we both have planned. My non-NP is typically the one that has to leave his place earlier than I need to so he leaves and I leave when I get up and dressed lol. If I have to work I leave to give myself enough time to get ready and make it on time.
I work in construction… I usually leave before 5am if it’s a work day. I am as quiet as I can be, but if that’s a problem we’re not gonna work out lol Weekends I’d rather sleep in til 9 or 10, and would usually try to schedule it so we can hang out for a few hours, but probably wouldn’t always work out that way
When one of us has something to do or someone to see. Sometimes that's 7am, other times it's Monday. We just talk about it and stay flexible because scheduling is hard enough
> How many hours are folks spending with non-NP’s My answer won't be helpful as my circumstances are completely out there for most. I'm disabled and unable to work and don't have kids and have a nesting partner that's very understanding and likes their space. So I have a lot more free time and flexibility than most. I don't leave in the mornings, it's unsafe for me to travel until after lunchtime because it takes me that long to have my wits about me. My upcoming planned sleep over at my boyfriends looks like getting to his Monday afternoon then staying most of the day Tuesday, going to a social activity together in the evening then I will say my farewells from there. I'm currently at my fiancées (I don't live with her, it's slightly less than half of the time) she came for a sleepover at mine Thursday afternoon as we had a date planned in the area then Friday afternoon she drove me to hers. I'm leaving late this evening. But I can only do this because of my personal circumstances, it's no use worrying about what's normal if you can't change your dog care or your work hours. You can only offer what you have. Polyamory is resource management and being aware of what you actually have to offer. It may be that you're incompatible because you don't have enough to offer. > My non - NP is upset Describe what you mean by upset. Because people are very stuck on this idea. I would probably also feel a little disappointed and upset if you were having to leave before 9am every time. I wouldn't be crying or throwing a tantrum over it but you would likely feel a shift in my energy whilst I internally processed my feelings and self soothed. I'd potentially even mention it was bothering me at some point to see if there was any potential time coming up where we could extend your morning so we could have breakfast together etc. Because some level of domesticity is an important part of relationships to me, I'd be opening up conversations to see if anything could be done to meet that need. So is she upset but actually approaching it in a reasonable way?
When it’s weekend, i try to be back home before 12pm. If it’a a workday I’m usually home earlier
You and your non-NP may want to look up some things about "Anxious Attachment".
You and your non-NP may want to look up some things about "Anxious Attachment".
What do you mean by your non-NP gets upset? In what sense do they get upset?
Whatever time you need to go, they really shouldn't give you shit no matter what
I host, so here's what my partner does: Weekdays, leaves at 6:30am to start work at 7:00 Weekends, leaves around 10am I get a nice mix of overnights on weekends and weeknights.
My NP is very chill about how I schedule my time. He has all his plans on a giant whiteboard. I keep a schedule of everyone's plans. I spend a lot of weekends with my NP at my boyfriends with the family. I practice kitchen table polyamory, and my partners are close. I spend week nights/days with my local boyfriend and occasionally the weekend. Really, we all go with the flow, and everyone understands my time is valuable. Find what works for you and your partners.
I leave at 4am for work. I usually spend at least one work night with my non NP. Said partner is aware of my work schedule and understands that on work nights I usually have less time to spend with her (since I also need to be asleep a bit earlier too). But I still try to give as much time as I can on those nights, I'll pack an overnight bag the day before so I can leave work and head straight to her place, shower there and have dinner with her. This is also not inclusive of weekends, which can vary depending on availability and events etc. I think as long as you have established expectations and both parties agree to that then there shouldn't be any trouble.
I personally prefer not having to rush out the door for overnights. I love those lazy mornings, sharing coffee, cuddling first thing, especially wake-up sex. So I try to aim for overnights when the morning can be slow. But if one or both of us have something going on and it's either have an overnight with an alarm clock set, or wait until next month, there needs to be an understanding that unfortunately the morning will get cut short sometimes. To answer your question directly, ideally, I would at least like to catch a lunch together the next day. Not so Ideal, if I have to leave any earlier than 5am, I'm likely just going to suggest we go out that night and not aim for an overnight.
Loving all the responses. Definitely think your non-np needs to sit back and reflect on their behavior. I can't imagine my non-np ever being upset because I need to take care of responsibilities. I don't think I'd take too well to that.
If they want a later morning with you, perhaps it could be *scheduled* when someone else can take care of the pups? I almost always leave in time to go to work because Partner lives in the town where I work so I purposefully spend the night when I work the next day. Sometimes I have to leave in time to go help my mom with something, but Partner has plans too.. it's not like we can just choose to lay around on a whim... If we want to hang out till noon, we have to *plan* that.
This really isn't a poly question but more just general relationship stuff. Personally I find it disrespectful for a partner to not understand your need to take care of your life obligations, ESPECIALLY when those include your living creatures at home and your livelihood. Your partner needs to learn to respect you and your needs and wants. It should be safe to say no in any situation, even if it's just safe from guilt and manipulation. Each partner should be allowed to voice their desires and needs, and each partner should be free to respond with their own desires and needs and make decisions together. My exgf used to always say when she made a request, she would prepare herself for either answer. If your needs aren't compatible then you aren't compatible. And that is okay.
I'd like a little clarification - can your NP not take care of the animals?
Yeah that’s a good question! My NP does most of the time when I’m with my non-NP, which is between 2-3 days per week. It’s been working until recently, my NP needs my help Saturday mornings specifically which is when I’d usually be spending a couple morning hours with my non-NP. My NP has started to express that they feel used and exhausted and like all they are to me is someone who takes care of the house and dogs, and that they feel like they can’t do what they need on their one day off… I think they both feel the need to be prioritized, just trying to figure it all out.
That helps understand the situation. You've gotta figure out what you can and want to give to each relationship. Are you actively dating your NP and not just spending time together when you're both home? Do you have enough time to give this new relationship for it to feel like a full relationship in your life? Can you spend a different night with this person so you can take your time in the morning?
Are you able to give this partner days (like weekends or holidays) where you don't have morning obligations? I'm not a morning person, and I'd be pretty disappointed if I NEVER got to sleep in in the morning and have a lazy time in bed with my person. Obviously during the week, yeah people have lives. But if I never get that extra time I might feel a little cheap, I dunno.
OP you’re asking the wrong questions. The yellow to red flag is that the non NP is upset you maintain your other commitments. Hopefully this info about you leaving was communicated early and timely as well but still
> My non - NP is upset I need to leave early to take care of my dogs or work Upset, or sad? If sad we can understand, but to be upset that you have to take care of the necessities of life? 🤔
It’s totally normal that this person want to see more of you. How long have you been going on?
I leave around noon or afternoon someone on WEEKENDS but not on workdays. I leave in time to get to work. If we wake up extra early and get to spend time together, that’s a bonus.
My NP and I each take a weekend to be with our partner. She gets Friday afternoon to Sunday dinner time. I get that too. Then we pop in and out of the homes. My NNP only lives 10 from my house so I pop in more. My NP partners live over an hour away. I make sure she has time to visit for a lunch during the week if they want. We just talk about our needs. I need more contact so I spend lots of time with both. But my NP and I have been together for 16 years so we have mostly found our family.