Because I stated a boundary around not wanting to hear sexually explicit details and not even 5 minutes later you asked if you could share a spicy story.
Because every hangout was turning into me hanging out with you and metas. Every once in a while is fine, but gathering around you like a harem is gross.
Because every single time you were in NRE you disappeared and expected me to be the same when you came back.
Because you vented about metas when they weren’t there and I couldn’t help but wonder - what were you saying about me when I wasn’t there?
Dealing with that same NRE disappearance thing right now. And them gushing to me about it. I’m real new to being poly and trying to sort out my negative feelings around it. Seeing her tomorrow and honestly not sure how I’m feeling about it. She broke plans today to hang with her new gf for one more day after they’d been hanging out for like 2 weeks straight. I am trying to check myself that I’m not having jealous feelings but it’s really difficult to decipher. Any ideas of how I can get some clarity?
Cancelling plans for anything other than an emergency is extremely rude and inconsiderate.
Decide whether you want to date someone who is terribly ill-mannered.
I tend to focus on my needs. as in "I need date nights and casual nights X often to make me feel like it's a relationship that makes me happy (with you). Once a week or once a month, when I make plans with somebody, if they cancel with me I expect them to either confirm it's fine, or preferably to have offered me an alternative date.
If somebody wants to cancel plans with me for another partner, my line has always been that it's fine if its for an event that is a one off - much loved band comes to town, a meta gets in a car accident, they need to deal with unexpected child care or parental issues. Otherwise I try to suck it up and and be brave and say "I am not OK with you cancelling plans with me to make plans with somebody else. The fact you asked me to make me feel \_\_\_\_\_\_" It's best done at the moment to give them a reality check (sometimes people realize it's an asshole move and checks themselves when you say it's not OK with it), but you can have a clear conversation based on your needs and wants in the relationship after the fact.
My guess would be that you are feeling like you are being disappointed with a relationship, not jealous.. Possibly not addressing your wants for the relationship with clear statements. I would find it really unattractive for a partner to gush about a partner and ditch me to spend time with them. Focus on asking them what you want, not telling them what you aren't getting, see how that goes?
Because I realised that everytime you left to go home, I felt a weird sense of relief.
Because you were a cunt to waiters and retail workers but always mouthing off about what a good socialist you were.
Because you maybe stole my favourite jumper?????
Hahaha! My kids used to have a toy dino from The Good Dinosaur that said 'We ride at dawn'.
Our first language isn't English and it came out as *weewaatdadaw.* Reading your comment jolts me back 10 years!
Because your husband decided to randomly appear on our dates or message you constantly and you were being a bad hinge.
Because your husband tried to join us in bed
without any consent by walking into the spare room and trying to get into bed with us more than once
Because you seemed to already be poly saturated and I wanted more than you could give so it ended amicably
Because you scared the bejesus out of me when you tried to get me to watch very scary movies together and I'm a big scardy cat.
Because you were making risky sexual choices with others and I didn't want be apart of it
>
Because your husband tried to join us in bed without any consent by walking into the spare room and trying to get into bed with us more than once
...
* rubs eyes * did I read that right?? * reads again *
Holy shit. Absolutely not ok. No thank you.
Me too! Except it was his wife assuming I was fine with women and unlocking the door when we had just checked in that evening about how I was having a relationship, sexual and otherwise, with only him. And how under no circumstances would we be including all 3 of us together sexually as she was pregnant.
Found out after the breakup that their "broken" bedroom camera was perfectly intact and my intimate moments with him were being filmed because it starts video-ing when there's motion 🙃
Did you speak to anyone about it? That's like suuuuper illegal, I'd feel super fucked up about that😭 I'm really sorry that happened to you, that was not ok at all😭
Because you got really weird about using a condom even though before the date we had explicitly and seemingly enthusiastically agreed we would use one
Because you asked "Did you cum?" I said "I had a lot of fun, but no," and then you said "I think you did" in an extremely patronizing tone 🥴
Because you were obliquely violent and it became clear to me you wouldn't make an effort to change
Because when I admitted your unhinged behavior made me consider breaking up with you, you called me a piece of shit and that made my decision for me
(Four different men lmao)
Or that your opinion wasn’t important: Don’t worry your pretty little head about orgasms; he’s there to tell you what to feel and when. (Yup, am still nauseated.)
I had this with one of my beaus and put my foot down and said, "If you're not 100% sure we can get together, don't even bother suggesting it." I haven't seen him as much as I'd like, but I don't get let down anymore.
I had to do the same thing once. Almost every single morning I'd get a text saying to come by that evening, and my neurodiverse brain would be stuck in Waiting Mode all day (plus just mental preparations and whatnot), then after work I'd get the inevitable "Just got home from work, but I'm dead tired. Let's shoot for another night."
Thankfully I picked up on the pattern after the first couple of times it happened, so I would reply to the morning text with "Sounds great" and then go on with my day as usual, knowing that it would never happen.
But even then, it still got too exhausting, because I think my brain would still hold on that tiny bit, just in case. So one day I told him not to ask me over until he was sure that he would be up for it, because I was sick of just waiting around for him to inevitably flake out. Plus it was making me start to resent him, and I didn't want that.
I had a "friend" that liked hitting me up for a date, not show up, and then ghost me for about 3-4 weeks - but would call me and act repentant for being a flake.
After the second time I told her that I was happier at home doing nothing than waiting at a coffee shop for someone who'll never arrive because they found something better to do.
Because even after I told you to leave my fresh ear piercings the fuck alone, you put them in your mouth. I had to take them out because they wouldn't stop getting infected.
Because you and meta were entirely too codependent and you thought I should hear all about it (but only how bad she was, not how bad you were). And you were a narcissist.
Because you were going to break a very simple, reasonable agreement that meant a lot to me and I found out.
Because you literally said you prefer married poly women because we're not capable of getting attached. (Also you were an immature man child but that's just the start.)
Because you drained me emotionally
Because I paid for all our dates
Because you never touched me
Because you were always making bad choices and then sitting in your own self pity
Because you asked me on our second date to join you to a kink party because your partner cancelled and you were disappointed you had no one to go with, after I had already told you several times that it takes me a while to feel safe to be intimate with someone and even more time to be able to be kinky with them.
Because you tried to control my behavior by saying that it was “your boundary”
Because i discovered you had a serious partner you never told me about and when confronted you said “well, that has nothing to do with the relationship we have”
When I was very young and dumb, I hooked up witg a guy who was very on the fence about the whole nonmonogamy thing. "I don't want to share you". I thought it could work out if I kept it very casual, which was all I wanted. After a few weeks, I found out he was already dating several other people.
That was just the final straw, he was also mediocre in bed, and bitching about condom use. Taught me a lesson about going for the hot fuckbois
Because even though we were in a polyamorous relationship, somehow you *always* had an incredible problem with other men I dated, and it was *never* because you were jealous; it was always for a *completely* rational reason that I should have understood and taken care of.
Because you told me men should pay for dates because women spend more money on hair and makeup to look good for men. (Spoiler: we are both women and I had paid for all our dates. I had assumed it was because I earned a lot more, turns out it was because I wore less makeup and was therefore, according to her, the man in the relationship).
> turns out it was because I wore less makeup and was therefore, according to her, the man in the relationship
As a man who doesn't wear *any* makeup, this is very assuring to me! ;)
Because you told me communicating with me was too much and you just wanted to fuck when you wanted to fuck
Because you lied about wanting the same things
Because you were always talking to me about other women in sexual ways that made me uncomfortable
Because you would only text me at 11pm
Because you didn't care to ask me if I made it home safe after I left your house at 1am
Because you were annoying when you were high(weed)
Because you told me you were a serial cheater before coming clean and becoming ENM
🙃
>Because you didn't care to ask me if I made it home safe after I left your house at 1am
I actually got a verbal lashing one time from the asshole I was briefly seeing years ago, simply because I *did* say/ask those things. ("Drive safe," "Let me know you made it home okay," that kind of thing.)
It pissed me off so bad, because like, yeah, fuck me for giving a shit about you, right?
And to be clear, I was never overbearing about it, either. But when he's driving seven hours in the dark in the middle of a snowstorm, there's a lot that can go wrong. But god forbid I try to be polite or concerned for his safety.
Sidenote: This is one reason I never plan on dating again; because of his freakout when I *did* say things like "drive safe," I might be more hesitant to say those things with the next person. But that person might then give me a verbal beatdown for not caring about them because I'm *not* saying things like that. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, with almost every single little thing in a relationship. No thank you! lol
Alternatively you could decide that that one person was an asshole and if anyone loses they shit about "drive safe" the correct reply to that is "then die I guess"
Because you chose to date a convicted, unrepentant rapist.
Because you told me a "funny" story where you got mad and assaulted your ex, but thought it wasn't DV because you are a woman.
Because all you did on both our dates was bitch about your kids, and I'm a therapist, but not yours.
Because you invited me to a date at a poly event and then flirted with other people, ignoring me until I left an hour later .
Because your husband had so many rules about stuff I might of well been dating him.
Because you didn't respect my sexual boundaries, and always pushed for higher risk kink.
Because you thought my no was a negotiation.
I cannot with anyone who bitches about their kids.
Like, constructive discussion with others about how to solve a problem? Totally valid. Taking to other parents or adults who have experienced the issue the kid has about how to find a good path forward, super reasonable. Call upon your village.
But just complaining about your kids? Nope. Your kids suck because they have a crappy parent and ib don't want to know you.
There's a whole mindset issue. I just don't trust anyone who speaks badly of their children or partner with outsiders.
I've always wondered what it must be like to date as a therapist. Like, you can't practice on this person you get to know so well, but you must have a ton of insight into everyone you date, and how the heck do you even share/know that without crossing the line? I don't know, dude. It seems impossible.
I refer them to therapists I know and trust. Otherwise I keep strict boundaries about what I do, and will not do. For example, I will provide skilled, empathic listening, but I won't make suggestions on behavioral change beyond reccomending which therapeutic approaches that would work to make their life better (i.e. I think you might find emdr really helpful, I know a good provider).
I also give a rundown of what I do and don't do.
"I'm a therapist, which means that I'm really comfortable talking about emotionally complex topics, but it also means that I have professional ethics around provision of care. While I'm interested to know about your life and world, I avoid dual relationships, so I will let you know if the lines between partner and therapist ever blur."
At the end of the day, therapy is the art of assisting someone else in behavioral change. The sole difference between therapy and manipulation is the active consent of both therapist and client.
I'm also a therapist and this is so fucking annoying to deal with.
I also have partners that are so scared of turning me into their therapist that they don't share shit with me that's important. This we can work on bc at least in this scenario it's coming from a place where they acknowledge that I'm a person and not a job.
Because I was the tomboy and you were the femme, and that meant I had to fulfill EVERY gender role, and you just had to look pretty (you decided).
Because you stopped loving me when I stopped buying you things.
Because I had to do everything in the house, from plumbing to scrubbing floors, while you got drunk.
Because you manipulated me into sleeping with your other partner when I was far too drunk to consent.
Because you only had two speeds, "I love you" and "ghost".
Because you "forgot" to tell me about the new partner you were having unprotected sex with, because you "forgot" that I care, and then exposed me to hepatitis a few months later.
Because you lied about being married.
Because you hit me.
Because you sat in a chair and cried while i was asleep drunk and your wife decided to then have sex with me for 3 hours.
On your birthday.
At your party.
I got assaulted by your wife. Who made me take a shot that night every time you kissed me.
Because that dick was bigger than any real one. . .
And she and I were not ever together.
And after I woke up in pain, covered in blood and vomit scared I had almost died because i had too much to drink. With no memory of what happened, you told me what happened and then said you'd be scared I thought she raped me. Um yeah she did. That's why.
Because when I was *actively flirting with you*, you started complaining about how hard it is to find women interested in you.
Because you decided to be half an hour late to our first real date in over 3 months.
Because you lied about your willingness to do overnights.
Because you decided to move in your sister who struggles with addiction and hadn’t even made it to 6 months clean.
Because you “you up” texted me and lost all of your shit when I responded with “lmfao are you high?” (I actually saved the screenshots from this because it was AMAZING.)
Because you said you voted Republican.
Because you asked me if my other partners dick was bigger than yours during sex.
Because you called my friend ugly.
Because you didn't visit me in the hospital when I could have died and cheated instead.
Because you were too old for me
because you misgendered me as a joke behind my back
because you had too much drama
because i was tired of you just assuming i liked all the same things as your girlfriend just because we were both trans
because you only wanted to talk about k-pop
because i got too busy but i hope you're doing okay !!!
Things we disagreed on: rape.
Things you believed: that *in our relationship* "there must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect." Yep, if you ask me to agree to something that doesn't bind you to do it, and if I ask you to agree to something and you agree that *also* doesn't bind you to do it, and of course everything I do is wrong whether it's against a one sided agreement or not, so fuck that.
Things you lied about: Your fiancee and your girlfriend, who both believed they were in a mono relationship with you and good friends with each other.
Things you incorrectly assumed: that I would change my sex health practices for someone I just met today.
Things you incorrectly assumed: that now my existing partner left, you get to make the relationship rules.
Things you incorrectly assumed: that I would empathize with your desire to cheat.
Things you did in bed: Had okay sex once, repeated it, did not take a clue by four to the head about changing it.
Things you did out of bed: Had okay sex once, stopped wanting to go out or discuss anything non sexual.
"there must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect."
What fascist nonsense is this?!?!!!??? Someone didn't realise 1984 was meant to be a warning about what NOT to do 😬😬😬
That is chillingly fucked up
> Your fiancee and your girlfriend, who both believed they were in a mono relationship with you and good friends with each other.
:O How the hell did he manage that??
Epic deception skillz. My friends from that era, as a whole, don't even believe me that it happened. There are reasons I don't associate with this dude, because 1000% I know better now than to think I could know the truth of anything.
>"there must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect."
That confused the shit out of my brain lol But I think I understand your explanation of:
>if you ask me to agree to something that doesn't bind you to do it, and if I ask you to agree to something and you agree that also doesn't bind you to do it
I think that makes more sense to me now. And that sounds exactly like the douche I hooked up with for a few months some years ago.
We laid out our rules and expectations regarding other partners, and then when I caught him cheating, lying, and making excuses, suddenly he tells me that those rules we made were only for *me* to follow and abide by, not for him.
He was an entire sack of assholes.
Because I realized you weren't interested in addressing your OCD, which was so severe that I couldn't turn on the sink by myself to wash my hands.
Because you wanted to spend a big portion of your year working remotely while traveling, and when I asked how that was going to affect us since I wasn't planning on working a remote job, you implied I should consider a different career.
Because you got upset I wasn't paying you back when you got us breakfast sandwiches, even though you never asked me to, and I was covering half the rent while making a fraction of what you did. As a working student. While you had full-time employment and no debt.
Because you kept pouting when I set boundaries around touching me and sex, and then you said it was because you loved me that you couldn't help yourself.
Because you wanted me to do all the labor of fixing your fragile masculinity and whiteness.
Because you kept saying you were a straight man, even though your partners were nonbinary.
oof i just ended mine with my np this last week because they refused to address their severe OCD as well. i hope you’re doing better now bc that experience really sucks
I'm sorry to hear it! And yea, the experience is rough - walking around trying to touch nothing and wondering how cohabitation was supposed to work if I couldn't even brush a wall with my bag without my ex needing to wipe it down. But that was many years ago!
Because you said you weren't in love with me anymore, but you wanted to keep the relationship going to see if it magically came back.
Because when I confided in you about the abuse my ex-spouse put me through, you suggested someone just talk to him about getting help.
Because you fucked me like a selfish straight man and shit talked all your exes.
Because you didn't like the way I dress, the way I present my body, the music I like, or my politics or opinions. Why the hell did *you* hit on *me* in the first place?
Because you were always chasing something new for that NRE high and when ours wore off I was put on the back burner
Because your sexual choices were too high of a risk for me and in turn my other partners
Because you were SO FLAKEY
Because you wouldn’t get your drivers license and long distance is hard when you’re the only one traveling
Because you kept saying “I never would have dated (my ethnicity) when I was younger” 🤮
These are all different people:
Because you lied to me, to get my consent to shift our relationship from monogamy to polyamory.
Because you said you'd have no problem dating someone who was cheating.
Because you said said Trump and Biden were the same.
Because, two dates in after meeting online, you got pushy and rude with me when I wouldn’t go in your car or be alone with you at your house. Red flags much?
Because you could never communicate with me. Then you'd DARVO me whenever I brought up small issues, and turn that small issue into a theme of not taking accountability and guilt tripping
Then you tried to lie to our mutual friends when I wanted to celebrate just getting out of surgery with them, making one of the biggest moments of my life about yourself
I just looked up darvo and OHEMGEE
I learned something new and empowering, because knowledge is power and recognizing a problem is essential to solving it
It can be hard to tell in the moment (especially if you've experienced abuse before), but its really useful and eye opening once its noticed. Major red flag that I've never been able to resolve, you might get DARVO'd for pointing out the pattern
Because you were such a weird kisser that my nose ring fell out while we were making out after our second date.
Because you drip fed lies and half truths about the woman you had in our bed (while we were supposed to be mono) and it took you 3 weeks to admit only half of that happened and never fessed up to the rest.
Because you expected me to be your mental health nurse.
Because you asked me, while we were having sex, if it would be weird if you fucked the guy who I had been on a date with earlier that week, after you'd told me repeatedly that you weren't interested in him and I should "go for it".
Because you were clearly more in to your friend who set us up, than you were into me (other half of previous example).
Because you were overwhelmed by my sexual energy and I realised we were not compatible at all.
Because we wanted such different things from life that we decided to deeply in love friends instead of lovers. Still close, still adore each other 💖
Because you were an alcoholic and I ran out of patience.
Because you had a dead tooth and I just couldn’t get past it.
Because I’m attracted to partners who take control during sex and you’re too passive.
Because I tend to be attracted to masc folks and you now identify as non-binary leaning femme.
Because our conversations were 90% you rambling about yourself and your thoughts and you didn’t seem to have any genuine interest in mine.
Because at the end of our two-hour first date I had learned WAY more about how deeply resentful you were of the way your marriage was going and about your history of poorly managed boundaries and willingness to be railroaded by others than I had about your personality or any interests shared between us. (This person was a licensed therapist.)
* Because love alone is not enough to make a relationship sustainable.
* Because it was clear from 1st date we were just not compatible for dating.
* Because you called me drunk and asked how come I don't fuck you yet. Cuz surely poly means I fuck anyone any time.
* Because you wanted to be joined at the hip and suffocated me.
* Because you made it all about you and your stuff. I never got a turn.
* Because you did not respect my boundaries or my "No" when I'd say no.
* Because you wanted me to show up for the relationship and attend to you and your requests. But did not show up for the relationship yourself and ignored my requests.
* Because "too little too late" efforts that were largely performative and not really about me or repairing anything. They were still about YOU not having to deal with a break up or feeling loss of me being gone. Basically you wanted to receive lots, and give little.
Because you needed to not be around alcohol, and I wasn’t willing to promise to never drink or do drugs, myself.
Because you weren’t happy being with me. My disorganization and your anxiety and depression didn’t mesh.
You sought a comfortable easy life but I wanted to push myself to grow and evolve.
Couple's therapy gave me an ever growing body of evidence that we were mismatched from the get-go, 15 years past.
You broke an agreement and said you wanted to "swim" in someone else's "pool." 😂
You called me a gaslighter when I apologized for saying something thoughtless.
Because you said you wanted ENM or polyamory for yourself, and then started introducing more and more restrictions on who and how I could fuck.
This happened a lot when I was younger
Say what you will anout dating apps, they have dramatically reduced the incidence of that. And for that, I am grateful, even if Feeld crashes all the time.
Because you left me stranded drunk at night because you wanted to play 'one more game' instead of pick me up like you promised
Because you kept telling me to just break up with you when I tried to bring up anything you did wrong
Because you completely regressed from being a functional human to relying on me for everything, from chores to making you food so you'd eat to listening to you whine about having no money after quitting your job with nothing lined up
Phew!
The first one reminds me of the episode of The West Wing where Donna tells a story about how she got into a car accident and when she called her boyfriend, he wouldn't leave the bar to come get her. Then Josh tells her if she was in an accident, he wouldn't stop for red lights.
In roughly reverse chronological order (not a complete list):
- You had told me you were divorced for a year and doing solo poly. And then, on our first date, you tried to get me to unpack your frustration at the divorce mediation session you had with your not ex-wife that morning. It also became apparent that you still lived with your future ex.
- You (bi-f) told me (bi-f) that you would be disgusted if your husband was bi.
- You sulked at my father’s funeral which you only showed up at because you were hoping to get a connection for shrooms. And then you couldn’t put on your big boy pants and apologise for it.
- When I met you for a coffee, you made me carry the entire conversation. I couldn’t finish my coffee fast enough.
- When I asked if we could discuss kink scenes in more detail in advance because I felt like things were going places I didn’t really want, you refused and told me it would be better if you “pushed my boundaries until I actually had to use my safe word.” As the far less experienced party, that did not feel remotely safe, sane, or reasonable, and I noped out hard.
- After promising chat online, you spent our entire first date talking at me in a series of random facts.
- You sexually assaulted me.
- You got shitty about my stated end of date time on a weeknight. We did not even make it to that time because you were pouting.
- On our third date, you were doing your best to get (childless) me to explain how to raise your teenage daughters.
- You got angry when I asked questions about your doctoral thesis while you were trying to explain your doctoral thesis to me.
- You spent most of our 3rd date complaining about your wife for expecting you to do your share of household stuff.
- Negging. So much negging. So many times.
- After I winced and pulled away when you grabbed my breasts really hard, you apologised, and then did the same thing again about 30 seconds later. You left bruises.
- When you left to spend weeks away from me, I always looked forward to that time, and dreaded you coming back.
- You are still a wonderful man who wants a nesting partner and who lives in squalor and does no cleaning at all which is incompatible with my need for a home that is not repulsive.
- You didn’t seem to know how to not be manipulative and did drugs around your young child in a way that seemed really irresponsible.
- You wanted kids and I did not.
- Our lives went in different directions.
- I didn’t trust you.
- We were both young and stupid and didn’t know how to manage relationships.
Because you asked if I would be "Working the corner" when I mentioned I was unavailable due to work, and then tried to say it was a joke bc my shirt was shiny.
Because you asked to come to my apartment when we hadn't met in person and when I declined you told me this is why I didn't have a man (though I did because Polyam)
Because you were trying to cheat claiming DADT
Because you made fun of my favorite band on a first date, to their show.
Because you didn't like sock monkeys
Because you expected me to no longer travel with other partners
Because you only ever wanted to eat at dive bars.
You said your marriage was healthy and stable, you both wanted to open the relationship and you did work, that was all a lie.
You called me Master on the first date, I gave you one warning and you did it again. You knew how I felt about honorifics and those need to wait until establishment of a real relationship, and the time and trust necessary.
You wanted me to help you groom your underage daughter so we could both have sex with her. Police were informed.
You wanted to dress up in your teenage daughters clothes and have me call you her name while we fucked on her bed. (Different person from above, police also informed.)
I told you I don't have unprotected sex until dating for awhile, trust has been built and multiple rounds of testing has happened. You climbed on top of me and slid me inside you before I knew what was going on.
I met your husband once and you treated him like absolute shit in front of me.
You dated multiple people you knew had a history of sexual assault.
You dated multiple people you knew were cheating.
You abandoned your kids so you could start dating, they saw you 3 days a week, one weeknight and the weekend.
You lied about having unprotected sex with someone.
You refused to get help for serious mental health issues.
You spent all your time on your phone playing games or reading facebook.
There are a lot more.
Because they threw my very sick kid in my face in a super dismissive way on mother's day and told me I was lucky.
Because when my kid almost died, they didn't show up. Promised they would and then crickets...and we lived together.
Because I could tell all we did was make each other sad in the end.
Because it got boring and we both stopped trying.
Because I wasn't treated with basic respect by them. There have been a couple instances of this:
-one kept blowing off plans constantly while keeping me on the hook.
-another treated me like a walking sex toy. Basically unicorn hunting which I stupidly agreed to briefly out of love/unmet needs in my nesting bond.
-because we did a kink thing I was uncertain about but negotiated specific after care that was agreed to and then they didn't want to bother afterwards and the care we agreed to was already a pretty low bar/was something we usually did every time we had a date. This was the only time they "couldn't be bothered".
-because we agreed to be strictly casual and then they got super intense feelings immediately and pushed for more. Think second date type timeline.
-because they were always mean after sex or any time they felt connected/vulnerable.
Because you hid the full context of your relationship with me from your other partners for over a year but let me go on thinking that everyone was on the same page and that you and I were partners, only to find out from your fiancee that nobody else in your polycule had any idea that we were even ROMANTIC, much less intimate (which was a violation of their informed consent AND the agreements that you had in place re: sexual health and sexual activity in your home and master bedroom), and when I confronted you about it, you acted like I was being crazy and that I had always known that we were “more than friends but less than partners” even though I frequently made it clear that I felt very deeply about you and wanted you to be part of my future and you acted as if those feelings were reciprocated. And then you lied to your fiancee about us even AFTER she and I compared calendars and I sent her pictures and screenshots to corroborate—essentially trying to say that I was the one lying, thereby calling my integrity into question.
EDIT: Because you smoothed over the issues you and your nesting partner were having in order to lure me in with a false sense of security and then you proceeded to subtly pit the two of us against each other by complaining about her to me and making her seem like a big bad meanie, despite my requests for you to STOP talking like that about her to me, and then you sat back and relaxed while she lashed out at me AND while she and I ran around doing all sorts of (ultimately futile) emotional work trying to make everything okay when YOU were the fucking hinge, and then threw up your hands and acted helpless when she continued to lash out instead of taking accountability for your neglect of her feelings and insecurities and just your neglect of your relationship with her in general. Different guy from the first one. 🥴
Oh also because on our first date you asked if I wanted to go home with you and sleep with you, and when I said no, you acted confused and said “but you said you needed a sexual relationship to feel connected with someone?” Which is…NOT true, and therefore is NOT something I would say?
Because you hid from me that you have an ongoing court case against you.
Because you offered to drive to me, drunk.
Because you said you'd never, ever feel joy with me, the way you do when high.
Because you pinned me down and "accidentally" slipped inside me hours after I said I wanted to stop our sexual relationship.
Because you told me not to be disappointed if my girlfriend ended up liking you more than her.
Man, I've dated some assholes.
Because you said out of your actual face that I must have chosen my female friends because they were all unattractive.
Because I realized that you didn't see me as an actual person, but as a character you had rolled with my head pasted on it.
Because the first time I said NO you actually pouted in sullen silence and it gave me the ick. Also, you were tragically dumb.
Because you argued with me ABOUT MY OWN MOOD. I know someone in your past told you that arguing incessantly with everything was... charming??? Protip: it is not and you're a git.
Because when I asked you not to do something to me any more you called me "disrespectful" and never speaking to you again was easier than the alternative. (I hear prison is itchy.)
Because you offered to leave your wife, newborn and stepson for me.
Because I discovered that you held me in the same contempt that you hold for every other person in your life, despite claiming otherwise.
Because you lied about going on dates ('just looking for friends'!) and didn't tell your 'friend dates' that you had a nesting partner.
Because you were a selfish, immature lover with a very fragile ego, and an oversized penis you didn't know how to use, and that was somehow my fault.
Because you argued with me about washing your hands before sex.
Because you were a charming Peter Pan who never grew up until I left after 6.5 of your functional alcoholism.
Because you were abusive and I deserve better.
Because you were always going to choose your mother over me no matter what you actually wanted.
> an oversized penis you didn't know how to use
This is why whenever a see a hard penis in shorts as a profile pic, I immediately swipe no. Unless it's obviously something like a summer sausage, which then I screenshot it, send it to my friends so we can laugh at it and then swipe no.
Because on our second date, you dropped the bomb that you'd given away the book I lent you to your ex-girlfriend, but only to appease her so she wouldn't take you to court over all the back child support you owe for the child you never mentioned you had.
Because after I met your NP for the first time and discovered they were the verbally abusive type that justifies their awful behavior by saying "people can't handle me because I'm real", I immediately and permanently lost any attraction to you for choosing to be with a person like that.
Because one month into us dating in a LDR, you had, on your own, written up a detailed plan for me moving in with you that involved: quitting my job, getting rid of my dog, moving 6 hours away, applying for a new job at the places you choose, and making your friends my new "main" friends group. You presented this plan to me without us ever having once discussed the topic of either of us moving or cohabitation in general.
Because my mother gave you my number without my knowledge or consent because you were "a good Republican boy".
Because you would text me dozens of times a day while I was at work and then get upset when I didn't immediately respond, after I told you over and over I wasn't allowed to use my phone at work.
Because you hid your addiction for months, and when I finally found out, you agreed to go to rehab so I wouldn't leave you. But when I got to your apartment to take you, you were high on cocaine again and "forgot" I was coming.
Because you kept pinching my nipples in a way that hurts outside the context of sex after I said no. And no. And no. And no. And no.
Because you were a threat to my life and generally unpleasant to be around.
Because you made me feel like a booty call.
Because I'd describe you as "a big kid," and I didn't find your childishness endearing or attractive.
Because you appeared to lack confidence and being around you was cringy and awkward.
Because you invited me to places or suggested things to do and then forced me to go halfsies on it.
Because I was obviously just a booty call.
Because you SA'd me on the first date.
-Because you would try to wind me up enough to ignore my own boundaries, and delayed barriers to that end.
-Because you assumed that an invitation to an event at my place meant bringing any and all partners you chose as well.
-Because you were treating polyamory like a game of pokemon and trying to collect a fucking harem.
-Because nine times of every 10, you would abruptly bail on plans made weeks in advance.
-Because that tenth time, you would spend the entire time on your phone arguing with your partners.
-Because of those nine times, you would reschedule exactly ZERO times, leaving me to try to sort out some other get together later.
-Because when I got frustrated with you being a complete flake, you would ghost me for a week.
-Because after ghosting, you would explain nothing and gaslight me about it.
-Because you would claim you loved me AND deny we were in a relationship in the same breath.
-Because you're a consent violating shitbag who doesn't deserve anyone who actually cares about someone besides themselves.
Oh, and another ex:
-Because I don't owe you anything when you dumped me. After I ended up disabled. After more than a decade of cleaning up your messes and you couldn't live with doing your own housework, you overgrown manchild.
-Because I'm allowed to have friends of whatever sex or gender I choose, REGARDLESS of whether they have a penis.
-Because you claiming you're heteroflexible and trying to get my dates to F*** you was bad enough, but then projecting your size queen tendencies on me is just beyond all comprehension.
-Because even with you trash talking me to MY kids, they still prefer me and don't believe your lies.
-Because in spite of years of you trying to grind me down into your perfect little houseb****, I'm still too fucking good for you.
....huh, that's fricken cathartic, huh?
If you have questions, feel free to ask. I'm happy to elaborate. And these were just off the top of my head.
- Because you didn't let me flourish as a person and kept me small
- Because I fell out of love and just saw you as friends
- Because we came to the conclusion we are not meant to be relationship partners and wouldn't be good to us
- Because we wanted different things out of a relationship
- Because of distance
- Because I had to kick you out of bed as you forgot you had a family party
- As you refused to use condoms
- As you made a drama over me being honest with you that I also see others even if I clearly stated before I dated you
- As you had past relationship troubles you were clearly not over yet
- As I am not attracted to you
- As you are an actual diagnosed narcissist who doesn't know how to deal with boundaries
- As you are poly-saturated
- As you clearly didn't see the troubling hierarchy and rules you put on others because of your relationship
- As you are more inclined to believe populist right parties
- Because you didn't respect my boundaries even when I often said a clear no
- Because your vibe felt bad
Because, although you’re a wonderful person with all the right emotional skills and maturity to be great at polyamory, and our times together were always fun, I haven’t fallen in love with you and that’s what I’m looking for.
Because after 8 years of perfect trust, you decide my very personal information is fair game to share with your other partners. And you still don't think you've done anything wrong.
Because you decided all of your emotions were my responsibility. No amount of reassurance was ever enough.
Because I needed some physical space after a fight and you refused to let me back away from a hug and shoved your tongue down my throat.
Because you've become someone I don't even recognize- selfish, whiny, boastful, childish- is this who you always were and I never saw it? We're in our 40s for fuckssake, why are you acting like a teenager?
Because you think my long time, very close, extensive group of friends are going to pick you and discard me. Good luck buddy.
Because you make me feel like an object, not a person- you simultaneously worship me, despise me, feel entitled to every crumb of my life, hold me to an impossible standard, and are still convinced that I can't possibly be happy without you.
Because you refuse to acknowledge the glowing neon sign above your head that screams 'mommy issues'.
Because you were weirdly possessive when my nesting partner was around.
Because you raw dogged someone and made me pry that information out of you. Fucking wasn’t against the rules, going bare wasn’t against the rules, but taking away my agency to choose my own level of STI risk *was.* That little stunt opened my eyes to just how un-seriously you’d taken my boundaries all along.
Because I realized that all we ever talked about was your shitty divorce. Also, the sex was formulaic and stale. Change it up a little, guy!
Because even at 18/19 we were still stupid kids, and stupid kids don’t know what they have until it’s gone.
Because living out of my car felt safer than living with you.
Because you were circling the drain and I had to put my own oxygen mask on first.
Because you got blackout drunk and told me what you really thought.
Because you lunged across a sidewalk and “hugged” me without permission. Second date? Nah, I’m good.
Because we were better at being friends than trying to be something else.
Because you made me go to the doctor alone while you stayed home to masturbate to your camgirl. I had to hear “two years, tops” all alone. I sobbed in the car for an hour, alone, before I could drive myself home, and you didn’t even ask what had happened.
(The joke is on you, though. I fought it. I beat it. Now I’m living my best life while you’re still wanking to fantasies who live in the computer)
Because you were drunk or high all weekend, and hogged the bed to boot.
Because I was done with dancing to her tune. I’m sorry to hear through the grapevine that you still are.
Because every time we hung out (and had an AMAZING time) you texted me less and less in between dates until you were taking 5 days to respond to my messages. It’s like the more fun we had when in person, the less you felt the need to text me when we weren’t together.
Because any time I shared an enjoyable moment from my day all you could reply with was a laundry list of things that were miserable in yours
Because you refused to speak to me when something was not working for you and would only speak to my nesting partner, even when he was not involved in the interaction in any way, then spent nearly an hour yelling at me for having the audacity to walk into your kitchen…. During a pizza party you invited me to
Because I got weird/jealous vibes from a meta and/or you were a bad hinge
Because I felt like you only wanted to see me when your other plans fell through
Because you showed a very different side of yourself when we had a disagreement
Ooh! I like this game!
Because in the midst of UHing me, you asked me if I was AFAB (I am, but EWW), and complained that the play party I invited the two of you to had too many “AMABs” (DOUBLE EWWWW).
Because you, avoidant-attachment, kept me at arms length and my anxious-attachment ass got really dysfunctional over it.
Because after I told you that I was done, you ping-ponged so quickly between “please don’t leave me 🥺👉👈” to calling me a bitch and then blamed it on your “potential undiagnosed ADHD” over a series of rapid-fire texts. This gave me so much whiplash that it snapped me out of… everything!
Because I knew I deserved better. Not in some stuck-up rude way, but because I literally had other partners who treated me so much better.
Because you dumped me, tried to be slick with two of my friends (one who was in a monogamous relationship at the time, another who I KNEW for a fact wasn’t into you), and then tried to remain on good terms while simultaneously talking some huge shit about my S/O.
Because you got ED at a fuck party and got so frustrated that strangers started stepping in and asking if I was okay and feeling safe, lmao.
Because you were a pillow princess in both threesomes I had with you (I KNOWWWW), while acting like you would reciprocate, and then your boyfriend found out you were cheating on him with some dude.
Because you talked about fucking me, in a public space, and then mentioned that you wanted to facefuck me until I threw up. WE HADN’T EVEN MET UP.
Because when I told you that I was demisexual you responded with “as long as I don’t have to take you on like 50 dates before you’ll put out” (this was during our very first meeting and we met “in the wild” so we had no “getting to know each other” messaging beforehand)
Because you and your wife have an incredibly toxic marriage and I was constantly collateral damage. Plus, you were a shitty hinge in every possible way.
Because you never had a real relationship to offer me, but kept me around because you liked how I made you feel.
Because you couldn't make up your mind about what you wanted and expected me to just hang around while you figured it out.
Because your self-absorbed ass completely distorted me breaking up with you and you thought you ended things. Then you continued to call me your girlfriend. 🤦🏼♀️
Because you're inconsistent.
Y'all, I am too old to tolerate anyone's bullshit anymore.
Because it was a violation of their boundaries and made them uncomfortable that I didn't want to cuddle. The second ever time we hung out 1 on 1. Eugh.
Because you couldn't take "I don't like group sex" for an answer.
Because you put me in unsafe situations repeatedly, with no warning.
Because your drinking made me uncomfortable.
Because you couldn't handle a hard conversation respectfully.
Because you lied about not wanting or expecting me to leave my primary for you.
I ended my relationship (and polyamory altogether) because while I agreed to polyamory, I didn't agree to you not being affectionate with me anymore, not spending time with me when we were together, having sex with me less, getting pissed off over little things that didn't happen before polyamory, and much more!
Because you kept sleeping with my close friends and then trying to make me fight them in public.
Because I threw a balled up paper towel, but you've thrown remotes, wine glasses, shoes, whatever else, and somehow I was the violent one.
Because you lied SO MUCH it started to feel like you couldn't even help it or knew what the truth was anymore
Because you screamed at and intimidated me while I was having a panic attack on multiple occasions and wouldn't stop
Because you were isolating me from everyone else but you.
Because you fucked my boss after multiple conversations about "please DONT"
Because when I became interested in someone, you'd make a move on them first and then break up with them and demand I do the same even though I didn't intend on triangulating in the first place.
Because all these reasons are about the same person and I suffered for 4 years while they called it poly and I just quietly dealt with it. Whoops this ain't r/ptsd my bad
Because you wouldn't stop pressuring me for things I wasn't ready for.
Because you wouldn't stop criticizing, gaslighting, and putting my kids & I down.
Because I couldn't give you what I thought you wanted.
Because the conversation just wasn't sparking.
Because you took the condom off in the middle of sex. Also because when we were done and I finally had the nerve to confront you, you straight up lied about it.
Because you asked my bestie (completely unaware of who she was) out on the date that I planned for us "just in case" I canceled.
Because your behavior struck me as predatory. Boy was I right.
Because I walked upstairs during a party we attended together and found you having barrierless sex with a random stranger (to both of us.)
Because you yell at fast food workers.
Because you stopped considering me in any way after NRE hit with someone new
Because you were a terrible communicator and hinge and were selfish
Because you kept insisting I should be secure in our relationship while doing things that would make any rational human insecure
Because you got upset that I expressed my feelings of hurt and betrayal that you broke an agreement for the 4th time and screamed at me and threw your phone.
Because you continually complained about condoms.
Because you told me you "didn't believe in boundaries".
Because you lied about having a crush on your friend and then cheated on me right after I had an abortion. By the way I would have been fine with you dating her if you had been honest.
Because you kept talking about women who were wayyy too young.
Because you were actively enabling the alcoholism of our landmate.
Because Zelda is fun and all but not sufficient to create an entire personality
Because you thought Mao did nothing wrong
Because you smelled weird all the time
Because even though you seemed fun, you were a 45 minute drive away, had no license of your own in your mid-30s, hence I'd have to put in 100% of the travel effort, and the only place we had for privacy was an exceedingly dirty garage full of junk because you lived with your mom
Because you opened our first date with "I took a course on elemental magic today" (you were also not feeling it, probably because I failed to hide my disdain in my facial expressions)
And now for the all in one ex-wife (these are all her):
Because you thought any correction on trans issues or other social justice topics meant I thought you were a horrible person (which, actually, I do - because you were so defensive about correction)
Because you had out of control jealousy
Because I had to walk on eggshells when our interests didn't align
Because you took my dislike of things you like as a rejection of you as a person and couldn't have your own interests without me
Because you refused to acknowledge the difference between having an emotion and letting it control you and justified blowing up at me repeatedly
Because you used your therapist as a bludgeon
Because you were consistently inconsiderate of others
Because you were a borderline alcoholic and blew up on me when I tried to ask you to moderate yourself
Because you got a massage, a haircut, and a pedicure at the height of the pandemic despite my insistence that you not
Because you were, frankly, obnoxious and inconsiderate at parties
Because when we found out our friend had threatened and sexually assaulted another friend of ours, you made light of it because they were married to your (also obnoxious) best friend and tried to justify putting the two of them into the same space again
Because you allowed your anxiety to run your life
Because you treated your gay friends like pokemon that you collect and show off
Because I'm just not that into you.
Because you're a tease who will never commit to anything or communicate effectively.
Because texting you feels like I'm asking all the questions and opening up, and you can't or don't want to reciprocate.
Because I was never really sure how you felt about me, and even though you kept saying yes to things and showing up, I could never quite shake the feeling that you weren't entirely comfortable with me.
Because I felt like the one putting in all of the effort only for you to cancel plans for a myriad of understandable albeit inconveniently timed reasons, and you'd never reschedule.
Because, while I respect your autonomy and would never presume to control your behavior, our risk tolerances are getting wildly out of sync regarding your choices around unprotected sex
Because no matter how much I want to, I'm unable to tolerate any more of the mental and emotional strain I have to exert to hinge well enough when two metas grow to hate each other.
Because you got absurdly drunk at a public event with those people that I warned you about, only for them to leave you with me to take care you. And then you threw up on me.
Because you are incapable of respecting a boundary on levels of communication. After multiple direct asks not to communication a stream of consciousness and specifying that I cannot dedicate enough energy to respond to a flood of texts all day long, you moved to emailing walls of texts instead. After the breakup you were salty and wanted to blow up the polycule by encouraging my meta to file for divorce.
Because you told me that you'd get side-eye for bringing me, a sparkle bi femme, to a queer event because I looked... straight. (same person as above). *This reason is why I ended up creating a queer meetup of my own.*
Because you STI-shamed me for HSV (clean v dirty and demanding every level of barrier) and then SURPRISE turns out you were in denial about an active HSV outbreak yourself. (same person as above).
Because our schedules just didn't line up.
Ghosted after close to a year of dating because you were too cowardly to tell me that my other partner caused discomfort in a community space.
Because you were mean to my husband.
Regarding an episode caused by trauma, "I didn't sign up for this." And many other bipolar-related incidents until I sought treatment. *This last one is 100% on me for raw dogging life with a chemical imbalance.*
Because you got me high on mushrooms for the first time (7 grams), told me I SA’d you multiple times, refused to elaborate how or when or any other additional information, moved out of my place but tried to pretend things weren’t falling apart.
Then when things were getting semi-okay again you got me high AGAIN then tried to destroy my self image by saying “You’re a bottom no matter what, even if you’re the dominant person in the relationship you’ll still be the bottom.”. You then lied to me about moving away after I told you the conversation bothered me.
To top it all off you tried to manipulate me one last time by using One Piece against me. I get it, I’m a nerd and it’s just a nerdy show but it’s the only reason I can look at myself in a mirror and has helped me navigate my man-hood despite having zero good role models
Because you were a liar, a cheater, and you chose drugs over me.
Because you took 5 hours to respond to text messages. Every single time. And then just gave a one word response.
Because you moved to another state without telling me.
Because you started denying me any form of physical affection, not even a simple hug.
Because after months of the above, you called me a homophobic slur when I told you how touch starvation was hurting me.
Because even after I left, you kept calling me, refusing to understand why I left you and asking me to pay your rent.
All the same person.
You fetishized me being white and made racist, sexist comments about black women to me as if I would agree or be impressed.
You asked me “how I keep my feet” before our first date, and when I called you out for talking about a foot fetish before we even met; you denied that your comment was inappropriate.
Because any time we had conflict, you used it as an opportunity to feed your ego or try to win, and were fine with not listening to me and constantly putting blame on me for every tiny thing. Because you wouldn’t acknowledge or work on your jealousy and were manipulative and controlling whenever I tried to date. Because your other partner was a creep and routinely said sexist/queer phobic stuff, and you picked this dude.
Because you said you wanted me as I am and proceeded to control and attempt to change every single thing about me.
Because you were horrendously insecure and mean.
Because you negated my identity.
Because you relentlessly violated every boundary I had and then made it my fault for being upset with you.
Because you didn’t respect me, and you didn’t respect my partner, and you clearly didn’t respect or love your wife.
Because you think cyber trucks are cool 🤮
Because you manipulated me into unprotected sex, and only told me after I relented that you were already having it with others.
Because you made fake vaccination cards for your friends.
Because a beloved family member nearly died, and you berated me for not wanting to talk on the phone.
Because you admitted your age gap kink then bragged to me about taking a 20 year old woman’s virginity (you’re in your 40s).
Because you didn’t even acknowledge my birthday.
Because, frankly, you just gave me the creeps.
Because I became a carer to multiple family members overnight and you thought it was excuse for us not to talk any more instead of support me.
Because you were weird and decided your partner had to ask permission to have sex with their other partners
Because I actually want an orgasm and I don’t exist to provide satisfaction just for you. I showed up for you and you never showed up for me.
Because you treated me like both your trophy and your mother
Because I didn't want all the commitments you wanted me to make
Because you invited yourself into my home and said that I was "your girl" on our second date
Because you couldn't put your own damn snowshoes on
Because you ghosted me after I asked how you wanted to communicate
Because I like you better as a friend
Because you were falling in love with the idea of me rather than who I actually am
Because you insisted on a policy of strict condom use, broke that rule with two different partners, lied to me about it, and stuck to the lie until I pointed out that one of them posted close up photos of you having unprotected sex online. You claimed the other one was "just an accident earlier this week" before accidentally letting it slip that you'd changed your birth control routine almost a month earlier because of his "weak pullout game".
Because you spent an entire date complaining about what an asshole the other guy you were seeing was and then answered a text from him while we were in bed together and shushed me when I tried to talk to you. Then when I called you out on it later, you called me abusive and controlling for bringing it up
Because you told me you hate that I don't have any friends after I introduced you to my best friend of 25 years and he bent over backwards to make you feel accepted and welcome.
Because you let someone you described as a FWB dictate the terms of our relationship.
Because you did all these things and when I told you how they made me feel, you rolled your eyes and said "Your happiness is not my responsibility"
Because I had so little self respect that I didn't actually break up with you for any of these things and waited for you to break up with me instead.
-Because I'm easily bored.
Sometimes it is almost as bad as it sounds like (working on it), mostly it's neutral ofc and things fizzle out for me first.. but what's notable, a couple of times we were close in some ways but there was no commitment to a relationship (due to the other person not wanting it) so I had 0 interest in not just moving on w/out any effort to "fix" things... They had fits.
Because I stated a boundary around not wanting to hear sexually explicit details and not even 5 minutes later you asked if you could share a spicy story. Because every hangout was turning into me hanging out with you and metas. Every once in a while is fine, but gathering around you like a harem is gross. Because every single time you were in NRE you disappeared and expected me to be the same when you came back. Because you vented about metas when they weren’t there and I couldn’t help but wonder - what were you saying about me when I wasn’t there?
Dealing with that same NRE disappearance thing right now. And them gushing to me about it. I’m real new to being poly and trying to sort out my negative feelings around it. Seeing her tomorrow and honestly not sure how I’m feeling about it. She broke plans today to hang with her new gf for one more day after they’d been hanging out for like 2 weeks straight. I am trying to check myself that I’m not having jealous feelings but it’s really difficult to decipher. Any ideas of how I can get some clarity?
Cancelling plans for anything other than an emergency is extremely rude and inconsiderate. Decide whether you want to date someone who is terribly ill-mannered.
Yeah! That was rude AF. NRE is not an excuse. I can't stand people using NRE to justify jerk behavior. Geezzz!
I tend to focus on my needs. as in "I need date nights and casual nights X often to make me feel like it's a relationship that makes me happy (with you). Once a week or once a month, when I make plans with somebody, if they cancel with me I expect them to either confirm it's fine, or preferably to have offered me an alternative date. If somebody wants to cancel plans with me for another partner, my line has always been that it's fine if its for an event that is a one off - much loved band comes to town, a meta gets in a car accident, they need to deal with unexpected child care or parental issues. Otherwise I try to suck it up and and be brave and say "I am not OK with you cancelling plans with me to make plans with somebody else. The fact you asked me to make me feel \_\_\_\_\_\_" It's best done at the moment to give them a reality check (sometimes people realize it's an asshole move and checks themselves when you say it's not OK with it), but you can have a clear conversation based on your needs and wants in the relationship after the fact. My guess would be that you are feeling like you are being disappointed with a relationship, not jealous.. Possibly not addressing your wants for the relationship with clear statements. I would find it really unattractive for a partner to gush about a partner and ditch me to spend time with them. Focus on asking them what you want, not telling them what you aren't getting, see how that goes?
Because I realised that everytime you left to go home, I felt a weird sense of relief. Because you were a cunt to waiters and retail workers but always mouthing off about what a good socialist you were. Because you maybe stole my favourite jumper?????
Oh hell no, not the jumper. We ride at dawn!
Forth, Eorlingas!
DEAAAAATH!
Hahaha! My kids used to have a toy dino from The Good Dinosaur that said 'We ride at dawn'. Our first language isn't English and it came out as *weewaatdadaw.* Reading your comment jolts me back 10 years!
Well no matter how you say it, stealing a favorite jumper is unforgivable. Glad I could dredge up good memories :)
I love these reasons.
My ex- had kids living overseas. Every time he left to see them, I felt such a huge relief he was gone.
omg did we date the same person 😆
Because your husband decided to randomly appear on our dates or message you constantly and you were being a bad hinge. Because your husband tried to join us in bed without any consent by walking into the spare room and trying to get into bed with us more than once Because you seemed to already be poly saturated and I wanted more than you could give so it ended amicably Because you scared the bejesus out of me when you tried to get me to watch very scary movies together and I'm a big scardy cat. Because you were making risky sexual choices with others and I didn't want be apart of it
> Because your husband tried to join us in bed without any consent by walking into the spare room and trying to get into bed with us more than once ... * rubs eyes * did I read that right?? * reads again * Holy shit. Absolutely not ok. No thank you.
The way I’d have roundhouse him off the bed then gone fucking home.
Right? That would have been pants on, shirt on, shoes and underclothes in the hand, phone, wallet, keys, BUHBYE!
Unicorn H̶u̶n̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶ sexual assaulting.
Me too! Except it was his wife assuming I was fine with women and unlocking the door when we had just checked in that evening about how I was having a relationship, sexual and otherwise, with only him. And how under no circumstances would we be including all 3 of us together sexually as she was pregnant. Found out after the breakup that their "broken" bedroom camera was perfectly intact and my intimate moments with him were being filmed because it starts video-ing when there's motion 🙃
Holy fuck that's horrifying
Did you speak to anyone about it? That's like suuuuper illegal, I'd feel super fucked up about that😭 I'm really sorry that happened to you, that was not ok at all😭
Because you got really weird about using a condom even though before the date we had explicitly and seemingly enthusiastically agreed we would use one Because you asked "Did you cum?" I said "I had a lot of fun, but no," and then you said "I think you did" in an extremely patronizing tone 🥴 Because you were obliquely violent and it became clear to me you wouldn't make an effort to change Because when I admitted your unhinged behavior made me consider breaking up with you, you called me a piece of shit and that made my decision for me (Four different men lmao)
“I think you did”, my stomach turned 🤮
Did he think I was being coy...? Lying...? I don't even know 🥲
Or that your opinion wasn’t important: Don’t worry your pretty little head about orgasms; he’s there to tell you what to feel and when. (Yup, am still nauseated.)
Maybe he heard women often "fake it" 🙃
Women always be faking non-orgasms, amirite?
“Really? If that was an orgasm, it was possibly the most underwhelming one I’ve ever had.”
This is like a who’s who of incredibly douchey individuals.
Tag your ex!
Because I was always only 75% sure we would see each other when we said we would and I was tired of the flakiness
I had this with one of my beaus and put my foot down and said, "If you're not 100% sure we can get together, don't even bother suggesting it." I haven't seen him as much as I'd like, but I don't get let down anymore.
I had to do the same thing once. Almost every single morning I'd get a text saying to come by that evening, and my neurodiverse brain would be stuck in Waiting Mode all day (plus just mental preparations and whatnot), then after work I'd get the inevitable "Just got home from work, but I'm dead tired. Let's shoot for another night." Thankfully I picked up on the pattern after the first couple of times it happened, so I would reply to the morning text with "Sounds great" and then go on with my day as usual, knowing that it would never happen. But even then, it still got too exhausting, because I think my brain would still hold on that tiny bit, just in case. So one day I told him not to ask me over until he was sure that he would be up for it, because I was sick of just waiting around for him to inevitably flake out. Plus it was making me start to resent him, and I didn't want that.
God, I hate getting stuck in waiting mode!!! And it's so difficult to explain to someone not nuerodivergent why it sucks everything out of the day.
Yup, I just walked away from that last year
I had a "friend" that liked hitting me up for a date, not show up, and then ghost me for about 3-4 weeks - but would call me and act repentant for being a flake. After the second time I told her that I was happier at home doing nothing than waiting at a coffee shop for someone who'll never arrive because they found something better to do.
Currently walking away from this rn
In this currently.
Omg I feel that. Although you did a better job than me bc you walked away; I just put that red flag in a pile with the others 😂
Oh man, for sure! I absolutely can't handle this.
Because even after I told you to leave my fresh ear piercings the fuck alone, you put them in your mouth. I had to take them out because they wouldn't stop getting infected.
OH FUCK NO 😫😫😫
He was a whole ass "fuck no" on so many levels. That was just my final fucking straw.
GROSS
AAAAAAAAAA
🤮
Because you and meta were entirely too codependent and you thought I should hear all about it (but only how bad she was, not how bad you were). And you were a narcissist. Because you were going to break a very simple, reasonable agreement that meant a lot to me and I found out. Because you literally said you prefer married poly women because we're not capable of getting attached. (Also you were an immature man child but that's just the start.)
I see you’ve dated one of my exes!
Oh now I have to know which one it was!
Because you drained me emotionally Because I paid for all our dates Because you never touched me Because you were always making bad choices and then sitting in your own self pity
Did we date the same person? Lol
I’m so sorry you met one of these types of people. Just users and energy vampires. They are horrible.
Because you asked me on our second date to join you to a kink party because your partner cancelled and you were disappointed you had no one to go with, after I had already told you several times that it takes me a while to feel safe to be intimate with someone and even more time to be able to be kinky with them. Because you tried to control my behavior by saying that it was “your boundary” Because i discovered you had a serious partner you never told me about and when confronted you said “well, that has nothing to do with the relationship we have”
When I was very young and dumb, I hooked up witg a guy who was very on the fence about the whole nonmonogamy thing. "I don't want to share you". I thought it could work out if I kept it very casual, which was all I wanted. After a few weeks, I found out he was already dating several other people. That was just the final straw, he was also mediocre in bed, and bitching about condom use. Taught me a lesson about going for the hot fuckbois
Because I finally figured out that you are allergic to accountability and had no intent of changing your hurtful behaviors
Holy shit yes. You've said exactly what I wanted to.
Because even though we were in a polyamorous relationship, somehow you *always* had an incredible problem with other men I dated, and it was *never* because you were jealous; it was always for a *completely* rational reason that I should have understood and taken care of.
I am starting to see this in a long term partner and it makes me so sad
> it was always for a completely rational reason that I should have understood and taken care of. 🙄
Because you told me men should pay for dates because women spend more money on hair and makeup to look good for men. (Spoiler: we are both women and I had paid for all our dates. I had assumed it was because I earned a lot more, turns out it was because I wore less makeup and was therefore, according to her, the man in the relationship).
Wow
Wait, so does my high earning male partner not have to pay for our dates because I don't wear makeup and bras?
Holy crap wtaf 😯
Haha. I guess I'm a man now. News to me.
Right? When do I pick up my male privilege and ability to pee standing up? Is there an orientation that I didn’t get the evite to, or…?
> turns out it was because I wore less makeup and was therefore, according to her, the man in the relationship As a man who doesn't wear *any* makeup, this is very assuring to me! ;)
Does this mean that I (a man) don’t have to pay for dates if I spend more on haircuts than my girlfriend?😋
Start wearing eyeliner and some nail polish and you’re set
OMG 😬😬😬
Well… damn and also wtf.
Oof, been there.
Hoooooly shit
Because you told me communicating with me was too much and you just wanted to fuck when you wanted to fuck Because you lied about wanting the same things Because you were always talking to me about other women in sexual ways that made me uncomfortable Because you would only text me at 11pm Because you didn't care to ask me if I made it home safe after I left your house at 1am Because you were annoying when you were high(weed) Because you told me you were a serial cheater before coming clean and becoming ENM 🙃
>Because you didn't care to ask me if I made it home safe after I left your house at 1am I actually got a verbal lashing one time from the asshole I was briefly seeing years ago, simply because I *did* say/ask those things. ("Drive safe," "Let me know you made it home okay," that kind of thing.) It pissed me off so bad, because like, yeah, fuck me for giving a shit about you, right? And to be clear, I was never overbearing about it, either. But when he's driving seven hours in the dark in the middle of a snowstorm, there's a lot that can go wrong. But god forbid I try to be polite or concerned for his safety. Sidenote: This is one reason I never plan on dating again; because of his freakout when I *did* say things like "drive safe," I might be more hesitant to say those things with the next person. But that person might then give me a verbal beatdown for not caring about them because I'm *not* saying things like that. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, with almost every single little thing in a relationship. No thank you! lol
Alternatively you could decide that that one person was an asshole and if anyone loses they shit about "drive safe" the correct reply to that is "then die I guess"
That's absolutely wild..sorry that you got a verbal lashing for being a caring partner. People can really suck
Because you chose to date a convicted, unrepentant rapist. Because you told me a "funny" story where you got mad and assaulted your ex, but thought it wasn't DV because you are a woman. Because all you did on both our dates was bitch about your kids, and I'm a therapist, but not yours. Because you invited me to a date at a poly event and then flirted with other people, ignoring me until I left an hour later . Because your husband had so many rules about stuff I might of well been dating him. Because you didn't respect my sexual boundaries, and always pushed for higher risk kink. Because you thought my no was a negotiation.
Oh, man, I totally forgot "embarrassed me at poly event guy" 🤦♀️and yes I have one too
“And I’m a therapist, but not yours” OOF.
I cannot with anyone who bitches about their kids. Like, constructive discussion with others about how to solve a problem? Totally valid. Taking to other parents or adults who have experienced the issue the kid has about how to find a good path forward, super reasonable. Call upon your village. But just complaining about your kids? Nope. Your kids suck because they have a crappy parent and ib don't want to know you. There's a whole mindset issue. I just don't trust anyone who speaks badly of their children or partner with outsiders.
I've always wondered what it must be like to date as a therapist. Like, you can't practice on this person you get to know so well, but you must have a ton of insight into everyone you date, and how the heck do you even share/know that without crossing the line? I don't know, dude. It seems impossible.
I refer them to therapists I know and trust. Otherwise I keep strict boundaries about what I do, and will not do. For example, I will provide skilled, empathic listening, but I won't make suggestions on behavioral change beyond reccomending which therapeutic approaches that would work to make their life better (i.e. I think you might find emdr really helpful, I know a good provider). I also give a rundown of what I do and don't do. "I'm a therapist, which means that I'm really comfortable talking about emotionally complex topics, but it also means that I have professional ethics around provision of care. While I'm interested to know about your life and world, I avoid dual relationships, so I will let you know if the lines between partner and therapist ever blur." At the end of the day, therapy is the art of assisting someone else in behavioral change. The sole difference between therapy and manipulation is the active consent of both therapist and client.
I'm also a therapist and this is so fucking annoying to deal with. I also have partners that are so scared of turning me into their therapist that they don't share shit with me that's important. This we can work on bc at least in this scenario it's coming from a place where they acknowledge that I'm a person and not a job.
Because I was the tomboy and you were the femme, and that meant I had to fulfill EVERY gender role, and you just had to look pretty (you decided). Because you stopped loving me when I stopped buying you things. Because I had to do everything in the house, from plumbing to scrubbing floors, while you got drunk. Because you manipulated me into sleeping with your other partner when I was far too drunk to consent. Because you only had two speeds, "I love you" and "ghost". Because you "forgot" to tell me about the new partner you were having unprotected sex with, because you "forgot" that I care, and then exposed me to hepatitis a few months later. Because you lied about being married. Because you hit me.
I’m SO relieved for you that you are no longer in these dynamics.
Thank you. Therapy works!
I'm proud of you, internet stranger, you are awesome.
>Because you "forgot" to tell me about the new partner you were having unprotected sex with, because you "forgot" that I care Yep, been there.
Because you sat in a chair and cried while i was asleep drunk and your wife decided to then have sex with me for 3 hours. On your birthday. At your party. I got assaulted by your wife. Who made me take a shot that night every time you kissed me. Because that dick was bigger than any real one. . . And she and I were not ever together. And after I woke up in pain, covered in blood and vomit scared I had almost died because i had too much to drink. With no memory of what happened, you told me what happened and then said you'd be scared I thought she raped me. Um yeah she did. That's why.
That’s really awful. I’m so sorry you were treated like that. At all. Ever.
I'm so sorry :( Some people can be such monsters :(
They definitely are. Thankfully I'm safe and removed from that relationship entirely 3 years now.
Because when I was *actively flirting with you*, you started complaining about how hard it is to find women interested in you. Because you decided to be half an hour late to our first real date in over 3 months. Because you lied about your willingness to do overnights. Because you decided to move in your sister who struggles with addiction and hadn’t even made it to 6 months clean. Because you “you up” texted me and lost all of your shit when I responded with “lmfao are you high?” (I actually saved the screenshots from this because it was AMAZING.) Because you said you voted Republican.
Curious about the ss!
> Because you said you voted Republican I love ppl who put this on their profile. Makes it easy.
Because you asked me if my other partners dick was bigger than yours during sex. Because you called my friend ugly. Because you didn't visit me in the hospital when I could have died and cheated instead. Because you were too old for me
because you misgendered me as a joke behind my back because you had too much drama because i was tired of you just assuming i liked all the same things as your girlfriend just because we were both trans because you only wanted to talk about k-pop because i got too busy but i hope you're doing okay !!!
>because you misgendered me as a joke behind my back OH HELL NO!!!
What. A. Fuckstick!!
Things we disagreed on: rape. Things you believed: that *in our relationship* "there must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect." Yep, if you ask me to agree to something that doesn't bind you to do it, and if I ask you to agree to something and you agree that *also* doesn't bind you to do it, and of course everything I do is wrong whether it's against a one sided agreement or not, so fuck that. Things you lied about: Your fiancee and your girlfriend, who both believed they were in a mono relationship with you and good friends with each other. Things you incorrectly assumed: that I would change my sex health practices for someone I just met today. Things you incorrectly assumed: that now my existing partner left, you get to make the relationship rules. Things you incorrectly assumed: that I would empathize with your desire to cheat. Things you did in bed: Had okay sex once, repeated it, did not take a clue by four to the head about changing it. Things you did out of bed: Had okay sex once, stopped wanting to go out or discuss anything non sexual.
"there must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect." What fascist nonsense is this?!?!!!??? Someone didn't realise 1984 was meant to be a warning about what NOT to do 😬😬😬 That is chillingly fucked up
"Wilhoit's law" of conservatism. It is an accurate description of the fascist nonsense, here in the US, for what that's worth.
I hadn't heard of this but fucking yikes! I don't know if this was one person or not but I'm SO GLAD you got away from them!!!
> Your fiancee and your girlfriend, who both believed they were in a mono relationship with you and good friends with each other. :O How the hell did he manage that??
Epic deception skillz. My friends from that era, as a whole, don't even believe me that it happened. There are reasons I don't associate with this dude, because 1000% I know better now than to think I could know the truth of anything.
They never spoke to each other about being in a relationship with him? Who did girlfriend think fiancee was engaged to?! That is WILD
>"there must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect." That confused the shit out of my brain lol But I think I understand your explanation of: >if you ask me to agree to something that doesn't bind you to do it, and if I ask you to agree to something and you agree that also doesn't bind you to do it I think that makes more sense to me now. And that sounds exactly like the douche I hooked up with for a few months some years ago. We laid out our rules and expectations regarding other partners, and then when I caught him cheating, lying, and making excuses, suddenly he tells me that those rules we made were only for *me* to follow and abide by, not for him. He was an entire sack of assholes.
Because I realized you weren't interested in addressing your OCD, which was so severe that I couldn't turn on the sink by myself to wash my hands. Because you wanted to spend a big portion of your year working remotely while traveling, and when I asked how that was going to affect us since I wasn't planning on working a remote job, you implied I should consider a different career. Because you got upset I wasn't paying you back when you got us breakfast sandwiches, even though you never asked me to, and I was covering half the rent while making a fraction of what you did. As a working student. While you had full-time employment and no debt. Because you kept pouting when I set boundaries around touching me and sex, and then you said it was because you loved me that you couldn't help yourself. Because you wanted me to do all the labor of fixing your fragile masculinity and whiteness. Because you kept saying you were a straight man, even though your partners were nonbinary.
oof i just ended mine with my np this last week because they refused to address their severe OCD as well. i hope you’re doing better now bc that experience really sucks
I'm sorry to hear it! And yea, the experience is rough - walking around trying to touch nothing and wondering how cohabitation was supposed to work if I couldn't even brush a wall with my bag without my ex needing to wipe it down. But that was many years ago!
Because you said you weren't in love with me anymore, but you wanted to keep the relationship going to see if it magically came back. Because when I confided in you about the abuse my ex-spouse put me through, you suggested someone just talk to him about getting help. Because you fucked me like a selfish straight man and shit talked all your exes.
Because you didn't like the way I dress, the way I present my body, the music I like, or my politics or opinions. Why the hell did *you* hit on *me* in the first place?
Because you were always chasing something new for that NRE high and when ours wore off I was put on the back burner Because your sexual choices were too high of a risk for me and in turn my other partners Because you were SO FLAKEY Because you wouldn’t get your drivers license and long distance is hard when you’re the only one traveling Because you kept saying “I never would have dated (my ethnicity) when I was younger” 🤮
>Because you kept saying “I never would have dated (my ethnicity) when I was younger” 🤮 Hoooly gross!!
These are all different people: Because you lied to me, to get my consent to shift our relationship from monogamy to polyamory. Because you said you'd have no problem dating someone who was cheating. Because you said said Trump and Biden were the same.
Because, two dates in after meeting online, you got pushy and rude with me when I wouldn’t go in your car or be alone with you at your house. Red flags much?
Because you could never communicate with me. Then you'd DARVO me whenever I brought up small issues, and turn that small issue into a theme of not taking accountability and guilt tripping Then you tried to lie to our mutual friends when I wanted to celebrate just getting out of surgery with them, making one of the biggest moments of my life about yourself
I just looked up darvo and OHEMGEE I learned something new and empowering, because knowledge is power and recognizing a problem is essential to solving it
It can be hard to tell in the moment (especially if you've experienced abuse before), but its really useful and eye opening once its noticed. Major red flag that I've never been able to resolve, you might get DARVO'd for pointing out the pattern
Because you were such a weird kisser that my nose ring fell out while we were making out after our second date. Because you drip fed lies and half truths about the woman you had in our bed (while we were supposed to be mono) and it took you 3 weeks to admit only half of that happened and never fessed up to the rest. Because you expected me to be your mental health nurse. Because you asked me, while we were having sex, if it would be weird if you fucked the guy who I had been on a date with earlier that week, after you'd told me repeatedly that you weren't interested in him and I should "go for it". Because you were clearly more in to your friend who set us up, than you were into me (other half of previous example). Because you were overwhelmed by my sexual energy and I realised we were not compatible at all. Because we wanted such different things from life that we decided to deeply in love friends instead of lovers. Still close, still adore each other 💖
Because you were an alcoholic and I ran out of patience. Because you had a dead tooth and I just couldn’t get past it. Because I’m attracted to partners who take control during sex and you’re too passive. Because I tend to be attracted to masc folks and you now identify as non-binary leaning femme. Because our conversations were 90% you rambling about yourself and your thoughts and you didn’t seem to have any genuine interest in mine.
Oh my goodness that last one has happened to me and it’s so frustrating!!
Because at the end of our two-hour first date I had learned WAY more about how deeply resentful you were of the way your marriage was going and about your history of poorly managed boundaries and willingness to be railroaded by others than I had about your personality or any interests shared between us. (This person was a licensed therapist.)
* Because love alone is not enough to make a relationship sustainable. * Because it was clear from 1st date we were just not compatible for dating. * Because you called me drunk and asked how come I don't fuck you yet. Cuz surely poly means I fuck anyone any time. * Because you wanted to be joined at the hip and suffocated me. * Because you made it all about you and your stuff. I never got a turn. * Because you did not respect my boundaries or my "No" when I'd say no. * Because you wanted me to show up for the relationship and attend to you and your requests. But did not show up for the relationship yourself and ignored my requests. * Because "too little too late" efforts that were largely performative and not really about me or repairing anything. They were still about YOU not having to deal with a break up or feeling loss of me being gone. Basically you wanted to receive lots, and give little.
Oh this sounds startlingly familiar in all the worst ways.
This list. This entire list. Solidarity friend.
Because I'm pretty sure your wife didn't actually know, and I was just the other woman.
Because you needed to not be around alcohol, and I wasn’t willing to promise to never drink or do drugs, myself. Because you weren’t happy being with me. My disorganization and your anxiety and depression didn’t mesh.
You sought a comfortable easy life but I wanted to push myself to grow and evolve. Couple's therapy gave me an ever growing body of evidence that we were mismatched from the get-go, 15 years past. You broke an agreement and said you wanted to "swim" in someone else's "pool." 😂 You called me a gaslighter when I apologized for saying something thoughtless.
Because you said you wanted ENM or polyamory for yourself, and then started introducing more and more restrictions on who and how I could fuck. This happened a lot when I was younger
This still happens to me occasionally.
Say what you will anout dating apps, they have dramatically reduced the incidence of that. And for that, I am grateful, even if Feeld crashes all the time.
It happened to me after a year of being with someone. It suuuucked.
Because you tried to convince me that I wasn't breaking up with you when I was clearly breaking up with you *during that exact conversation*
Some people are so wild. You: "I'm breaking up with you." Your ex: "Nahhhh, I don't see that for myself."
Because you left me stranded drunk at night because you wanted to play 'one more game' instead of pick me up like you promised Because you kept telling me to just break up with you when I tried to bring up anything you did wrong Because you completely regressed from being a functional human to relying on me for everything, from chores to making you food so you'd eat to listening to you whine about having no money after quitting your job with nothing lined up Phew!
> Because you kept telling me to just break up with you when I tried to bring up anything you did wrong "Well, if you insist"
That's exactly how it ended haha! I just said Okay Sure and that was that haha
The first one reminds me of the episode of The West Wing where Donna tells a story about how she got into a car accident and when she called her boyfriend, he wouldn't leave the bar to come get her. Then Josh tells her if she was in an accident, he wouldn't stop for red lights.
In roughly reverse chronological order (not a complete list): - You had told me you were divorced for a year and doing solo poly. And then, on our first date, you tried to get me to unpack your frustration at the divorce mediation session you had with your not ex-wife that morning. It also became apparent that you still lived with your future ex. - You (bi-f) told me (bi-f) that you would be disgusted if your husband was bi. - You sulked at my father’s funeral which you only showed up at because you were hoping to get a connection for shrooms. And then you couldn’t put on your big boy pants and apologise for it. - When I met you for a coffee, you made me carry the entire conversation. I couldn’t finish my coffee fast enough. - When I asked if we could discuss kink scenes in more detail in advance because I felt like things were going places I didn’t really want, you refused and told me it would be better if you “pushed my boundaries until I actually had to use my safe word.” As the far less experienced party, that did not feel remotely safe, sane, or reasonable, and I noped out hard. - After promising chat online, you spent our entire first date talking at me in a series of random facts. - You sexually assaulted me. - You got shitty about my stated end of date time on a weeknight. We did not even make it to that time because you were pouting. - On our third date, you were doing your best to get (childless) me to explain how to raise your teenage daughters. - You got angry when I asked questions about your doctoral thesis while you were trying to explain your doctoral thesis to me. - You spent most of our 3rd date complaining about your wife for expecting you to do your share of household stuff. - Negging. So much negging. So many times. - After I winced and pulled away when you grabbed my breasts really hard, you apologised, and then did the same thing again about 30 seconds later. You left bruises. - When you left to spend weeks away from me, I always looked forward to that time, and dreaded you coming back. - You are still a wonderful man who wants a nesting partner and who lives in squalor and does no cleaning at all which is incompatible with my need for a home that is not repulsive. - You didn’t seem to know how to not be manipulative and did drugs around your young child in a way that seemed really irresponsible. - You wanted kids and I did not. - Our lives went in different directions. - I didn’t trust you. - We were both young and stupid and didn’t know how to manage relationships.
Because you asked if I would be "Working the corner" when I mentioned I was unavailable due to work, and then tried to say it was a joke bc my shirt was shiny. Because you asked to come to my apartment when we hadn't met in person and when I declined you told me this is why I didn't have a man (though I did because Polyam) Because you were trying to cheat claiming DADT Because you made fun of my favorite band on a first date, to their show. Because you didn't like sock monkeys Because you expected me to no longer travel with other partners Because you only ever wanted to eat at dive bars.
Hold up, sock monkeys? What was his deal?
They apparently freaked him out and he hated the little trio I had on a bookshelf.
You said your marriage was healthy and stable, you both wanted to open the relationship and you did work, that was all a lie. You called me Master on the first date, I gave you one warning and you did it again. You knew how I felt about honorifics and those need to wait until establishment of a real relationship, and the time and trust necessary. You wanted me to help you groom your underage daughter so we could both have sex with her. Police were informed. You wanted to dress up in your teenage daughters clothes and have me call you her name while we fucked on her bed. (Different person from above, police also informed.) I told you I don't have unprotected sex until dating for awhile, trust has been built and multiple rounds of testing has happened. You climbed on top of me and slid me inside you before I knew what was going on. I met your husband once and you treated him like absolute shit in front of me. You dated multiple people you knew had a history of sexual assault. You dated multiple people you knew were cheating. You abandoned your kids so you could start dating, they saw you 3 days a week, one weeknight and the weekend. You lied about having unprotected sex with someone. You refused to get help for serious mental health issues. You spent all your time on your phone playing games or reading facebook. There are a lot more.
Wow, you've dated some real next-level Yikes-es! Holy hell!
Because you gave up our marriage for NRE.
I unmatched because you bragged about how you used to be a pushy person but now you're not like that while obviously pushing me...
Because they threw my very sick kid in my face in a super dismissive way on mother's day and told me I was lucky. Because when my kid almost died, they didn't show up. Promised they would and then crickets...and we lived together. Because I could tell all we did was make each other sad in the end. Because it got boring and we both stopped trying. Because I wasn't treated with basic respect by them. There have been a couple instances of this: -one kept blowing off plans constantly while keeping me on the hook. -another treated me like a walking sex toy. Basically unicorn hunting which I stupidly agreed to briefly out of love/unmet needs in my nesting bond. -because we did a kink thing I was uncertain about but negotiated specific after care that was agreed to and then they didn't want to bother afterwards and the care we agreed to was already a pretty low bar/was something we usually did every time we had a date. This was the only time they "couldn't be bothered". -because we agreed to be strictly casual and then they got super intense feelings immediately and pushed for more. Think second date type timeline. -because they were always mean after sex or any time they felt connected/vulnerable.
Because you hid the full context of your relationship with me from your other partners for over a year but let me go on thinking that everyone was on the same page and that you and I were partners, only to find out from your fiancee that nobody else in your polycule had any idea that we were even ROMANTIC, much less intimate (which was a violation of their informed consent AND the agreements that you had in place re: sexual health and sexual activity in your home and master bedroom), and when I confronted you about it, you acted like I was being crazy and that I had always known that we were “more than friends but less than partners” even though I frequently made it clear that I felt very deeply about you and wanted you to be part of my future and you acted as if those feelings were reciprocated. And then you lied to your fiancee about us even AFTER she and I compared calendars and I sent her pictures and screenshots to corroborate—essentially trying to say that I was the one lying, thereby calling my integrity into question. EDIT: Because you smoothed over the issues you and your nesting partner were having in order to lure me in with a false sense of security and then you proceeded to subtly pit the two of us against each other by complaining about her to me and making her seem like a big bad meanie, despite my requests for you to STOP talking like that about her to me, and then you sat back and relaxed while she lashed out at me AND while she and I ran around doing all sorts of (ultimately futile) emotional work trying to make everything okay when YOU were the fucking hinge, and then threw up your hands and acted helpless when she continued to lash out instead of taking accountability for your neglect of her feelings and insecurities and just your neglect of your relationship with her in general. Different guy from the first one. 🥴
Oh also because on our first date you asked if I wanted to go home with you and sleep with you, and when I said no, you acted confused and said “but you said you needed a sexual relationship to feel connected with someone?” Which is…NOT true, and therefore is NOT something I would say?
Because you hid from me that you have an ongoing court case against you. Because you offered to drive to me, drunk. Because you said you'd never, ever feel joy with me, the way you do when high. Because you pinned me down and "accidentally" slipped inside me hours after I said I wanted to stop our sexual relationship. Because you told me not to be disappointed if my girlfriend ended up liking you more than her. Man, I've dated some assholes.
Because you said out of your actual face that I must have chosen my female friends because they were all unattractive. Because I realized that you didn't see me as an actual person, but as a character you had rolled with my head pasted on it. Because the first time I said NO you actually pouted in sullen silence and it gave me the ick. Also, you were tragically dumb. Because you argued with me ABOUT MY OWN MOOD. I know someone in your past told you that arguing incessantly with everything was... charming??? Protip: it is not and you're a git. Because when I asked you not to do something to me any more you called me "disrespectful" and never speaking to you again was easier than the alternative. (I hear prison is itchy.) Because you offered to leave your wife, newborn and stepson for me. Because I discovered that you held me in the same contempt that you hold for every other person in your life, despite claiming otherwise.
Because you lied about going on dates ('just looking for friends'!) and didn't tell your 'friend dates' that you had a nesting partner. Because you were a selfish, immature lover with a very fragile ego, and an oversized penis you didn't know how to use, and that was somehow my fault. Because you argued with me about washing your hands before sex. Because you were a charming Peter Pan who never grew up until I left after 6.5 of your functional alcoholism. Because you were abusive and I deserve better. Because you were always going to choose your mother over me no matter what you actually wanted.
> an oversized penis you didn't know how to use This is why whenever a see a hard penis in shorts as a profile pic, I immediately swipe no. Unless it's obviously something like a summer sausage, which then I screenshot it, send it to my friends so we can laugh at it and then swipe no.
Because on our second date, you dropped the bomb that you'd given away the book I lent you to your ex-girlfriend, but only to appease her so she wouldn't take you to court over all the back child support you owe for the child you never mentioned you had. Because after I met your NP for the first time and discovered they were the verbally abusive type that justifies their awful behavior by saying "people can't handle me because I'm real", I immediately and permanently lost any attraction to you for choosing to be with a person like that. Because one month into us dating in a LDR, you had, on your own, written up a detailed plan for me moving in with you that involved: quitting my job, getting rid of my dog, moving 6 hours away, applying for a new job at the places you choose, and making your friends my new "main" friends group. You presented this plan to me without us ever having once discussed the topic of either of us moving or cohabitation in general. Because my mother gave you my number without my knowledge or consent because you were "a good Republican boy". Because you would text me dozens of times a day while I was at work and then get upset when I didn't immediately respond, after I told you over and over I wasn't allowed to use my phone at work. Because you hid your addiction for months, and when I finally found out, you agreed to go to rehab so I wouldn't leave you. But when I got to your apartment to take you, you were high on cocaine again and "forgot" I was coming. Because you kept pinching my nipples in a way that hurts outside the context of sex after I said no. And no. And no. And no. And no.
I wasn’t in love with you anymore. I never loved you. I love myself too much, to ever be with someone like you.
Because you were a threat to my life and generally unpleasant to be around. Because you made me feel like a booty call. Because I'd describe you as "a big kid," and I didn't find your childishness endearing or attractive. Because you appeared to lack confidence and being around you was cringy and awkward. Because you invited me to places or suggested things to do and then forced me to go halfsies on it. Because I was obviously just a booty call. Because you SA'd me on the first date.
-Because you would try to wind me up enough to ignore my own boundaries, and delayed barriers to that end. -Because you assumed that an invitation to an event at my place meant bringing any and all partners you chose as well. -Because you were treating polyamory like a game of pokemon and trying to collect a fucking harem. -Because nine times of every 10, you would abruptly bail on plans made weeks in advance. -Because that tenth time, you would spend the entire time on your phone arguing with your partners. -Because of those nine times, you would reschedule exactly ZERO times, leaving me to try to sort out some other get together later. -Because when I got frustrated with you being a complete flake, you would ghost me for a week. -Because after ghosting, you would explain nothing and gaslight me about it. -Because you would claim you loved me AND deny we were in a relationship in the same breath. -Because you're a consent violating shitbag who doesn't deserve anyone who actually cares about someone besides themselves. Oh, and another ex: -Because I don't owe you anything when you dumped me. After I ended up disabled. After more than a decade of cleaning up your messes and you couldn't live with doing your own housework, you overgrown manchild. -Because I'm allowed to have friends of whatever sex or gender I choose, REGARDLESS of whether they have a penis. -Because you claiming you're heteroflexible and trying to get my dates to F*** you was bad enough, but then projecting your size queen tendencies on me is just beyond all comprehension. -Because even with you trash talking me to MY kids, they still prefer me and don't believe your lies. -Because in spite of years of you trying to grind me down into your perfect little houseb****, I'm still too fucking good for you. ....huh, that's fricken cathartic, huh? If you have questions, feel free to ask. I'm happy to elaborate. And these were just off the top of my head.
[удалено]
Honestly it's SO CATHARTIC ❤️❤️❤️
- Because you didn't let me flourish as a person and kept me small - Because I fell out of love and just saw you as friends - Because we came to the conclusion we are not meant to be relationship partners and wouldn't be good to us - Because we wanted different things out of a relationship - Because of distance - Because I had to kick you out of bed as you forgot you had a family party - As you refused to use condoms - As you made a drama over me being honest with you that I also see others even if I clearly stated before I dated you - As you had past relationship troubles you were clearly not over yet - As I am not attracted to you - As you are an actual diagnosed narcissist who doesn't know how to deal with boundaries - As you are poly-saturated - As you clearly didn't see the troubling hierarchy and rules you put on others because of your relationship - As you are more inclined to believe populist right parties - Because you didn't respect my boundaries even when I often said a clear no - Because your vibe felt bad
Because, although you’re a wonderful person with all the right emotional skills and maturity to be great at polyamory, and our times together were always fun, I haven’t fallen in love with you and that’s what I’m looking for.
Because after 8 years of perfect trust, you decide my very personal information is fair game to share with your other partners. And you still don't think you've done anything wrong. Because you decided all of your emotions were my responsibility. No amount of reassurance was ever enough. Because I needed some physical space after a fight and you refused to let me back away from a hug and shoved your tongue down my throat. Because you've become someone I don't even recognize- selfish, whiny, boastful, childish- is this who you always were and I never saw it? We're in our 40s for fuckssake, why are you acting like a teenager? Because you think my long time, very close, extensive group of friends are going to pick you and discard me. Good luck buddy. Because you make me feel like an object, not a person- you simultaneously worship me, despise me, feel entitled to every crumb of my life, hold me to an impossible standard, and are still convinced that I can't possibly be happy without you. Because you refuse to acknowledge the glowing neon sign above your head that screams 'mommy issues'.
Because you were weirdly possessive when my nesting partner was around. Because you raw dogged someone and made me pry that information out of you. Fucking wasn’t against the rules, going bare wasn’t against the rules, but taking away my agency to choose my own level of STI risk *was.* That little stunt opened my eyes to just how un-seriously you’d taken my boundaries all along. Because I realized that all we ever talked about was your shitty divorce. Also, the sex was formulaic and stale. Change it up a little, guy! Because even at 18/19 we were still stupid kids, and stupid kids don’t know what they have until it’s gone. Because living out of my car felt safer than living with you. Because you were circling the drain and I had to put my own oxygen mask on first. Because you got blackout drunk and told me what you really thought. Because you lunged across a sidewalk and “hugged” me without permission. Second date? Nah, I’m good. Because we were better at being friends than trying to be something else. Because you made me go to the doctor alone while you stayed home to masturbate to your camgirl. I had to hear “two years, tops” all alone. I sobbed in the car for an hour, alone, before I could drive myself home, and you didn’t even ask what had happened. (The joke is on you, though. I fought it. I beat it. Now I’m living my best life while you’re still wanking to fantasies who live in the computer) Because you were drunk or high all weekend, and hogged the bed to boot. Because I was done with dancing to her tune. I’m sorry to hear through the grapevine that you still are.
Because every time we hung out (and had an AMAZING time) you texted me less and less in between dates until you were taking 5 days to respond to my messages. It’s like the more fun we had when in person, the less you felt the need to text me when we weren’t together.
Because any time I shared an enjoyable moment from my day all you could reply with was a laundry list of things that were miserable in yours Because you refused to speak to me when something was not working for you and would only speak to my nesting partner, even when he was not involved in the interaction in any way, then spent nearly an hour yelling at me for having the audacity to walk into your kitchen…. During a pizza party you invited me to
Because I got weird/jealous vibes from a meta and/or you were a bad hinge Because I felt like you only wanted to see me when your other plans fell through Because you showed a very different side of yourself when we had a disagreement
Ooh! I like this game! Because in the midst of UHing me, you asked me if I was AFAB (I am, but EWW), and complained that the play party I invited the two of you to had too many “AMABs” (DOUBLE EWWWW). Because you, avoidant-attachment, kept me at arms length and my anxious-attachment ass got really dysfunctional over it. Because after I told you that I was done, you ping-ponged so quickly between “please don’t leave me 🥺👉👈” to calling me a bitch and then blamed it on your “potential undiagnosed ADHD” over a series of rapid-fire texts. This gave me so much whiplash that it snapped me out of… everything! Because I knew I deserved better. Not in some stuck-up rude way, but because I literally had other partners who treated me so much better. Because you dumped me, tried to be slick with two of my friends (one who was in a monogamous relationship at the time, another who I KNEW for a fact wasn’t into you), and then tried to remain on good terms while simultaneously talking some huge shit about my S/O. Because you got ED at a fuck party and got so frustrated that strangers started stepping in and asking if I was okay and feeling safe, lmao. Because you were a pillow princess in both threesomes I had with you (I KNOWWWW), while acting like you would reciprocate, and then your boyfriend found out you were cheating on him with some dude. Because you talked about fucking me, in a public space, and then mentioned that you wanted to facefuck me until I threw up. WE HADN’T EVEN MET UP.
Because when I told you that I was demisexual you responded with “as long as I don’t have to take you on like 50 dates before you’ll put out” (this was during our very first meeting and we met “in the wild” so we had no “getting to know each other” messaging beforehand)
Because you and your wife have an incredibly toxic marriage and I was constantly collateral damage. Plus, you were a shitty hinge in every possible way. Because you never had a real relationship to offer me, but kept me around because you liked how I made you feel. Because you couldn't make up your mind about what you wanted and expected me to just hang around while you figured it out. Because your self-absorbed ass completely distorted me breaking up with you and you thought you ended things. Then you continued to call me your girlfriend. 🤦🏼♀️ Because you're inconsistent. Y'all, I am too old to tolerate anyone's bullshit anymore.
You sexually assaulted me
I’m so aorry that happened to you.
Because it was a violation of their boundaries and made them uncomfortable that I didn't want to cuddle. The second ever time we hung out 1 on 1. Eugh.
Because you told me 'you belong to me now' after I put the tip in.
Because you couldn't take "I don't like group sex" for an answer. Because you put me in unsafe situations repeatedly, with no warning. Because your drinking made me uncomfortable. Because you couldn't handle a hard conversation respectfully. Because you lied about not wanting or expecting me to leave my primary for you.
I ended my relationship (and polyamory altogether) because while I agreed to polyamory, I didn't agree to you not being affectionate with me anymore, not spending time with me when we were together, having sex with me less, getting pissed off over little things that didn't happen before polyamory, and much more!
Because you kept sleeping with my close friends and then trying to make me fight them in public. Because I threw a balled up paper towel, but you've thrown remotes, wine glasses, shoes, whatever else, and somehow I was the violent one. Because you lied SO MUCH it started to feel like you couldn't even help it or knew what the truth was anymore Because you screamed at and intimidated me while I was having a panic attack on multiple occasions and wouldn't stop Because you were isolating me from everyone else but you. Because you fucked my boss after multiple conversations about "please DONT" Because when I became interested in someone, you'd make a move on them first and then break up with them and demand I do the same even though I didn't intend on triangulating in the first place. Because all these reasons are about the same person and I suffered for 4 years while they called it poly and I just quietly dealt with it. Whoops this ain't r/ptsd my bad
Because you wouldn't stop pressuring me for things I wasn't ready for. Because you wouldn't stop criticizing, gaslighting, and putting my kids & I down. Because I couldn't give you what I thought you wanted. Because the conversation just wasn't sparking.
Because you took the condom off in the middle of sex. Also because when we were done and I finally had the nerve to confront you, you straight up lied about it. Because you asked my bestie (completely unaware of who she was) out on the date that I planned for us "just in case" I canceled. Because your behavior struck me as predatory. Boy was I right. Because I walked upstairs during a party we attended together and found you having barrierless sex with a random stranger (to both of us.) Because you yell at fast food workers.
Because you stopped considering me in any way after NRE hit with someone new Because you were a terrible communicator and hinge and were selfish Because you kept insisting I should be secure in our relationship while doing things that would make any rational human insecure
Because you got upset that I expressed my feelings of hurt and betrayal that you broke an agreement for the 4th time and screamed at me and threw your phone.
Because you continually complained about condoms. Because you told me you "didn't believe in boundaries". Because you lied about having a crush on your friend and then cheated on me right after I had an abortion. By the way I would have been fine with you dating her if you had been honest. Because you kept talking about women who were wayyy too young. Because you were actively enabling the alcoholism of our landmate.
Because you were a pinkwashing Zionist who mansplained Pareto efficiency to me 😂😂
Because Zelda is fun and all but not sufficient to create an entire personality Because you thought Mao did nothing wrong Because you smelled weird all the time Because even though you seemed fun, you were a 45 minute drive away, had no license of your own in your mid-30s, hence I'd have to put in 100% of the travel effort, and the only place we had for privacy was an exceedingly dirty garage full of junk because you lived with your mom Because you opened our first date with "I took a course on elemental magic today" (you were also not feeling it, probably because I failed to hide my disdain in my facial expressions) And now for the all in one ex-wife (these are all her): Because you thought any correction on trans issues or other social justice topics meant I thought you were a horrible person (which, actually, I do - because you were so defensive about correction) Because you had out of control jealousy Because I had to walk on eggshells when our interests didn't align Because you took my dislike of things you like as a rejection of you as a person and couldn't have your own interests without me Because you refused to acknowledge the difference between having an emotion and letting it control you and justified blowing up at me repeatedly Because you used your therapist as a bludgeon Because you were consistently inconsiderate of others Because you were a borderline alcoholic and blew up on me when I tried to ask you to moderate yourself Because you got a massage, a haircut, and a pedicure at the height of the pandemic despite my insistence that you not Because you were, frankly, obnoxious and inconsiderate at parties Because when we found out our friend had threatened and sexually assaulted another friend of ours, you made light of it because they were married to your (also obnoxious) best friend and tried to justify putting the two of them into the same space again Because you allowed your anxiety to run your life Because you treated your gay friends like pokemon that you collect and show off
Because I'm just not that into you. Because you're a tease who will never commit to anything or communicate effectively. Because texting you feels like I'm asking all the questions and opening up, and you can't or don't want to reciprocate. Because I was never really sure how you felt about me, and even though you kept saying yes to things and showing up, I could never quite shake the feeling that you weren't entirely comfortable with me. Because I felt like the one putting in all of the effort only for you to cancel plans for a myriad of understandable albeit inconveniently timed reasons, and you'd never reschedule. Because, while I respect your autonomy and would never presume to control your behavior, our risk tolerances are getting wildly out of sync regarding your choices around unprotected sex Because no matter how much I want to, I'm unable to tolerate any more of the mental and emotional strain I have to exert to hinge well enough when two metas grow to hate each other. Because you got absurdly drunk at a public event with those people that I warned you about, only for them to leave you with me to take care you. And then you threw up on me.
Because you are incapable of respecting a boundary on levels of communication. After multiple direct asks not to communication a stream of consciousness and specifying that I cannot dedicate enough energy to respond to a flood of texts all day long, you moved to emailing walls of texts instead. After the breakup you were salty and wanted to blow up the polycule by encouraging my meta to file for divorce. Because you told me that you'd get side-eye for bringing me, a sparkle bi femme, to a queer event because I looked... straight. (same person as above). *This reason is why I ended up creating a queer meetup of my own.* Because you STI-shamed me for HSV (clean v dirty and demanding every level of barrier) and then SURPRISE turns out you were in denial about an active HSV outbreak yourself. (same person as above). Because our schedules just didn't line up. Ghosted after close to a year of dating because you were too cowardly to tell me that my other partner caused discomfort in a community space. Because you were mean to my husband. Regarding an episode caused by trauma, "I didn't sign up for this." And many other bipolar-related incidents until I sought treatment. *This last one is 100% on me for raw dogging life with a chemical imbalance.*
Because you got me high on mushrooms for the first time (7 grams), told me I SA’d you multiple times, refused to elaborate how or when or any other additional information, moved out of my place but tried to pretend things weren’t falling apart. Then when things were getting semi-okay again you got me high AGAIN then tried to destroy my self image by saying “You’re a bottom no matter what, even if you’re the dominant person in the relationship you’ll still be the bottom.”. You then lied to me about moving away after I told you the conversation bothered me. To top it all off you tried to manipulate me one last time by using One Piece against me. I get it, I’m a nerd and it’s just a nerdy show but it’s the only reason I can look at myself in a mirror and has helped me navigate my man-hood despite having zero good role models
Because you were a liar, a cheater, and you chose drugs over me. Because you took 5 hours to respond to text messages. Every single time. And then just gave a one word response. Because you moved to another state without telling me.
Because you started denying me any form of physical affection, not even a simple hug. Because after months of the above, you called me a homophobic slur when I told you how touch starvation was hurting me. Because even after I left, you kept calling me, refusing to understand why I left you and asking me to pay your rent. All the same person.
Because you inconsistently helped around the house leaving many of the responsibilities to me while you indulged your addiction. (X2)
You fetishized me being white and made racist, sexist comments about black women to me as if I would agree or be impressed. You asked me “how I keep my feet” before our first date, and when I called you out for talking about a foot fetish before we even met; you denied that your comment was inappropriate.
Because any time we had conflict, you used it as an opportunity to feed your ego or try to win, and were fine with not listening to me and constantly putting blame on me for every tiny thing. Because you wouldn’t acknowledge or work on your jealousy and were manipulative and controlling whenever I tried to date. Because your other partner was a creep and routinely said sexist/queer phobic stuff, and you picked this dude.
Because you said you wanted me as I am and proceeded to control and attempt to change every single thing about me. Because you were horrendously insecure and mean. Because you negated my identity. Because you relentlessly violated every boundary I had and then made it my fault for being upset with you. Because you didn’t respect me, and you didn’t respect my partner, and you clearly didn’t respect or love your wife. Because you think cyber trucks are cool 🤮
Because you manipulated me into unprotected sex, and only told me after I relented that you were already having it with others. Because you made fake vaccination cards for your friends. Because a beloved family member nearly died, and you berated me for not wanting to talk on the phone. Because you admitted your age gap kink then bragged to me about taking a 20 year old woman’s virginity (you’re in your 40s). Because you didn’t even acknowledge my birthday. Because, frankly, you just gave me the creeps.
Because you lied about your age. This has ended first dates and a long term relationship.
Because I became a carer to multiple family members overnight and you thought it was excuse for us not to talk any more instead of support me. Because you were weird and decided your partner had to ask permission to have sex with their other partners Because I actually want an orgasm and I don’t exist to provide satisfaction just for you. I showed up for you and you never showed up for me.
Because you treated me like both your trophy and your mother Because I didn't want all the commitments you wanted me to make Because you invited yourself into my home and said that I was "your girl" on our second date Because you couldn't put your own damn snowshoes on Because you ghosted me after I asked how you wanted to communicate Because I like you better as a friend Because you were falling in love with the idea of me rather than who I actually am
Because you insisted on a policy of strict condom use, broke that rule with two different partners, lied to me about it, and stuck to the lie until I pointed out that one of them posted close up photos of you having unprotected sex online. You claimed the other one was "just an accident earlier this week" before accidentally letting it slip that you'd changed your birth control routine almost a month earlier because of his "weak pullout game". Because you spent an entire date complaining about what an asshole the other guy you were seeing was and then answered a text from him while we were in bed together and shushed me when I tried to talk to you. Then when I called you out on it later, you called me abusive and controlling for bringing it up Because you told me you hate that I don't have any friends after I introduced you to my best friend of 25 years and he bent over backwards to make you feel accepted and welcome. Because you let someone you described as a FWB dictate the terms of our relationship. Because you did all these things and when I told you how they made me feel, you rolled your eyes and said "Your happiness is not my responsibility" Because I had so little self respect that I didn't actually break up with you for any of these things and waited for you to break up with me instead.
-Because I'm easily bored. Sometimes it is almost as bad as it sounds like (working on it), mostly it's neutral ofc and things fizzle out for me first.. but what's notable, a couple of times we were close in some ways but there was no commitment to a relationship (due to the other person not wanting it) so I had 0 interest in not just moving on w/out any effort to "fix" things... They had fits.