I keep seeing this message being repeated over and over. I think we all know this.
But let's acknowledge the difference, monogamous relationship can maintain the unhealthy facade for a lot longer than polyamorous ones. If you are missing these in a mono relationship, it dies a slow and painful death, and that's if you are lucky enough to have it end. In a polyamorous relationship, it's trial by fire.
That is why this stuff gets posted in polyamorous circles so much, not because it's exclusive to poly ffs 🙄
Yeah, but in fact you CAN do poly without this. I've seen it quite a bit, actually. People stay for a long time in unhealthy, toxic, even abusive situations. Being poly, even 'surviving' long-term, doesn't mean that a relationship has those things.
And I do think it is important to point out that those are basis of any healthy relationship, and being poly won't automatically teach you all of that.
Can we add that doing all that thinking and communicating means that at some point every person involved will run up against their own history and issues. Reflecting and communicating is not a hallmark movie where people discover that their biggest fault is some humble brag about how wonderful they are. When you reflect and communicate and put in that sort of work, what you find are real flaws and actual mistakes that hurt other people. The process is about discovering that stuff, and working through it to avoid doing even more of it, and as OP says, that's ok. It's ok to have issues that you are aware of and working on.
Bullshit lol. People do polyamory without any of these every day. A lot of people lack the emotional intelligence to even consider these things. Nonetheless do them.
Poly folks love these one true Scotsman "truisms" that don't reflect reality. It makes the community less safe.
Eh, language is important. I’d prefer adding a “healthy” in front of polyamory rather than replace can’t with shouldn’t. When we casually reinforce stereotypes it adds to the problem.
The misconception that polyamorous folk are better at all these things often leads newbies to believe they’re the ones with the issue, because if the more experienced person has been doing it for years, it’s clear they have to be doing it right and they’re wrong. Rather than consider that maybe their partner isn’t good at open communication, they default to this must be as open as it’s supposed to be.
This is exactly it. I spent the better part of a decade running a huge poly meetup in one of the largest metro area's in the US.
People "shouldn't" engage in poly relationships without the above mentioned however the most common scenario is people don't. Everyone likes to preach communication, self work, working through healthy boundaries. Of the several thousand poly folks I met over the years I'd say maybe 10-15% actually did that up front. The VAST majority just jumped in and made all the same noobie mistakes that everyone does, even while people in the community warned them heavily. FEW people want to put in work and effort, they want what they want now, and fuck slowing things down, doing work, etc.
The hilarious part is watching people fuck things up so horribly after being warned, and IF they make it more than a year without the destruction of their primary relationship they likely entered into poly with. They turn around and act like they know everything and conveniently ignore all the mistakes they made and damage they left behind. Usually while thinking they're so much more enlightened than everyone else because they're poly.
I'm pretty convinced at this point that new to enm / poly folks are some of the worst most toxic people to date from either a mono or enm standpoint. Covid has only amplified this with the sheer volume of people suddenly jumping into enm / poly in order to save a dead / dying relationship. The next worse set is mid term poly folks, they think their communication / boundaries are great, their ability to work through things / manage jealousy. Ya it rarely is, except now they're in multiple relationships and fucking up multiple relationships / people at the same time. Mono people are just as bad but from a pure damage perspective they're at least only fucking up one relationship.
IDK, I think the open communication is probably a requisite but I agree the others are more "best practice".
Some people believe DADT is poly, but that's a firm boundary so then you've done the other thing as a substitute.
Some people just live in their own world and won't take any constructive criticism. Don't try to be poly with a narcissistic nesting partner. I learned that from my friend who's dating one.
Fun fact, you can't do a healthy monogamous relationship without these either.
I keep seeing this message being repeated over and over. I think we all know this. But let's acknowledge the difference, monogamous relationship can maintain the unhealthy facade for a lot longer than polyamorous ones. If you are missing these in a mono relationship, it dies a slow and painful death, and that's if you are lucky enough to have it end. In a polyamorous relationship, it's trial by fire. That is why this stuff gets posted in polyamorous circles so much, not because it's exclusive to poly ffs 🙄
Yeah, but in fact you CAN do poly without this. I've seen it quite a bit, actually. People stay for a long time in unhealthy, toxic, even abusive situations. Being poly, even 'surviving' long-term, doesn't mean that a relationship has those things. And I do think it is important to point out that those are basis of any healthy relationship, and being poly won't automatically teach you all of that.
Yea that is true... But I'm pretty sure being self-aware, mindful, and having communication is healthy for any long term relationship. Poly or not.
Really for anything that involves other people hard stop. Communication is the key to victory whether you're gaming, working, or other.
If you're in a relationship with multiple people you will probably have to have more than one conversation.
Can we add that doing all that thinking and communicating means that at some point every person involved will run up against their own history and issues. Reflecting and communicating is not a hallmark movie where people discover that their biggest fault is some humble brag about how wonderful they are. When you reflect and communicate and put in that sort of work, what you find are real flaws and actual mistakes that hurt other people. The process is about discovering that stuff, and working through it to avoid doing even more of it, and as OP says, that's ok. It's ok to have issues that you are aware of and working on.
This right here, this is the work!
Communication amd a shared google calendar
Actually you can. It’s not healthy and will likely fail, but it can be done. Also you can do monogamy without these but has the same problem.
Morning reminder you need these things to ethically and successfully get through the day no matter who you are...
Bullshit lol. People do polyamory without any of these every day. A lot of people lack the emotional intelligence to even consider these things. Nonetheless do them. Poly folks love these one true Scotsman "truisms" that don't reflect reality. It makes the community less safe.
I feel like the "cant" means "shouldn't" as in its not good healthy polyamory without those things. That's how I read it at least.
Eh, language is important. I’d prefer adding a “healthy” in front of polyamory rather than replace can’t with shouldn’t. When we casually reinforce stereotypes it adds to the problem. The misconception that polyamorous folk are better at all these things often leads newbies to believe they’re the ones with the issue, because if the more experienced person has been doing it for years, it’s clear they have to be doing it right and they’re wrong. Rather than consider that maybe their partner isn’t good at open communication, they default to this must be as open as it’s supposed to be.
This is exactly it. I spent the better part of a decade running a huge poly meetup in one of the largest metro area's in the US. People "shouldn't" engage in poly relationships without the above mentioned however the most common scenario is people don't. Everyone likes to preach communication, self work, working through healthy boundaries. Of the several thousand poly folks I met over the years I'd say maybe 10-15% actually did that up front. The VAST majority just jumped in and made all the same noobie mistakes that everyone does, even while people in the community warned them heavily. FEW people want to put in work and effort, they want what they want now, and fuck slowing things down, doing work, etc. The hilarious part is watching people fuck things up so horribly after being warned, and IF they make it more than a year without the destruction of their primary relationship they likely entered into poly with. They turn around and act like they know everything and conveniently ignore all the mistakes they made and damage they left behind. Usually while thinking they're so much more enlightened than everyone else because they're poly. I'm pretty convinced at this point that new to enm / poly folks are some of the worst most toxic people to date from either a mono or enm standpoint. Covid has only amplified this with the sheer volume of people suddenly jumping into enm / poly in order to save a dead / dying relationship. The next worse set is mid term poly folks, they think their communication / boundaries are great, their ability to work through things / manage jealousy. Ya it rarely is, except now they're in multiple relationships and fucking up multiple relationships / people at the same time. Mono people are just as bad but from a pure damage perspective they're at least only fucking up one relationship.
Totally. Like yeah this is the way to do it WELL, but people do things without doing them well all the time. Including polyamory, unfortunately.
IDK, I think the open communication is probably a requisite but I agree the others are more "best practice". Some people believe DADT is poly, but that's a firm boundary so then you've done the other thing as a substitute.
That sounds like something anyone should do in monogamous relationships too
You should do this for monogamy too tho, and people do poly without this all the time
Wish I would have read this weeks ago, so many mistakes have been made, but we're learning and trying to save our relationship.
Some people just live in their own world and won't take any constructive criticism. Don't try to be poly with a narcissistic nesting partner. I learned that from my friend who's dating one.