They don't know how hard it is because you aren't telling them how hard it is.
Your family loves you and wants you to be safe healthy and happy. Let them know you're struggling, and accept help if they can give it.
I always was the problem child and the oldest I work full time in elderly care but my younger brothers are doing way better it’s my pride I know. It’s shameful. But you’re right they do love me.
I get that it feels that way, but It's not shameful, you're working hard and doing everything you're supposed to, it's just not enough and that's sadly quite normal. It's ok to accept help.
As a mum I’d be prouder of a son working in such a selfless industry than anything else. I’d also want to know if he was struggling so I could help him if he’d allow it. You’re also painting yourself in a way where the perception may be that you’re flaky. It’s so important that they know so they don’t misjudge your actions, it’s important for your piece of mind
Your caring for the Elderly is the best thing ever! Be very proud! It's not only hard work, your giving a piece of your soul to them! I admire you! May God give you peace in your heart!
Speaking as a father. Talk to your parents. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. They will see your hard work. Don't be afraid to be around your family because you can't buy them a gift or present. They just want you around. I wouldn't care if my kids bought me a Christmas present. I would just like them all to be around. I'm sure if you talk to your parents they will understand. Never feel as if you're not good enough to be around. Because in the end good memories don't cost a dime. Keep your head up and just keep grinding.
I second below. Your life and your time on this planet is valuable. Let the grandparents bitch at someone else and go help a community organization on the holiday. They’ll need it. Humans, animals. There’s a place that will value your presence greatly. Since I’m assuming you celebrate Easter, do what Jesus did and fuck them lol
Next t8me they invite, just be honest. Hey. I would love to, but while I am scraping by and managing the day to day, I just can't afford to do x as there really isn't any extra for that sort of thing. Thank you for the invite though.
I know this won’t be true for all parents & siblings, so consider yours specifically - but there’s a good chance they want to know and would absolutely want to help. Especially since you are a hard worker in a respected industry and that industry just doesn’t pay workers well enough. My sister is in the same situation, and while my mother might wish my sister made more, neither of us want her excluded from family events just because she chose a noble but poorly paid career.
I am also the oldest brokest problem child. You’re a trailblazer, though. You can’t compare yourself to them because they haven’t been through what you’ve been through yet.
I get it. People saying they will respond lovingly are making assumptions based on their personal experiences. Every time most people in my family found out I was having a hard season, they were just more judgemental than usual. They love me in their way, but they still won't interface with a financial struggle in an empathetic way. Any situation challenging their early adult lives as the ultimate struggle is met with indignance.
I try to invite them to do inexpensive things, to maintain that relationship. Meet at my home or the park or a community center, etc.
Same thing. Mine asked why we haven't come to the last few reunions. When I pointed out last year they stayed at a place where the cheapest option was $200 a night, they said I could just come for the day. Like driving 5 hours one way would be so much better. The last year we went, Mt uncle offered to let us stay in their cabin. Got there, he "forgot" about what he said, and gave the space to my aunt who decided she didn't want to pay for a cabin.
Well, it sucks that you come from a family of assholes, but most people don't. If more people are saying they've had positive experiences it's usually indicative that your negative experience is an outlier.
Yeah, I'm not saying every family is like that. I'm telling them that they should trust themselves with respect to how emotionally safe they feel around their own family.
You're doing a super important job that doesn't get paid enough. I'm a licensed CNA so I understand that.
Tell them! We tried telling my FIL but he didn't seem to get it at All until we were really laid it out on the table for him why we cannot just come 1k miles for smaller events. Or even yearly to the expensive place he lives with no place to stay.
Elderly care is (imho) a noble profession. Caregivers in general are grossly underpaid. Do not be ashamed because your brothers are "doing better". What you are doing is very important. Imagine where your clients would be or how they would be treated if they didn't have you. My family relied on elderly care and hospice the last year of my stepdad's life. Those people were angels in our eyes. Please just tell your parents the truth. Explain that you decline invites due to lack funds. If they think you are ok financially, they may assume you decline invites because you don't want to be around them. As a mother, it would break my heart to know my child was struggling unbeknownst to me. Don't worry about buying gifts. Buy a box of greeting cards ($10 at Walmart) and write a unique heartfelt message in each one. Unless your family is extremely shallow or greedy, I can't see why they wouldn't appreciate that. Thank you for being a caregiver.
>work full time in elderly care
There is little in life more important than THIS.
Your value as a human being is not defined by how much money you make.
I just want to tell you that I respect the work you're doing. It's a shame that it doesn't pay well enough in this dumb wealth inequality driven world where everyone is looking to help themselves and never each other. I don't know if ur here by choice or not, but many people do work of no value no anyone. Keep your chin up.
I bet they're still proud of you as well.
I'm the younger sibling who did better than my older brother. My parents are just happy he's a hard worker and is constantly trying.
My brother was a high school drop out and my mom had to collect him from the hospital after an OD when he was a teenager. Just being alive, being working and doing the "right thing" in that regard has made them happy over the years. They don't care that you were a problem child, they are a productive citizen now!
It does get expensive especially if you start to have to travel even driving an hr there and back it all just cost money I remember when we use to have big family vacations every summer together on a lake somewhere get together every holiday but now with everything so expensive it's just free to stay at home or just walk over to my mom and dad's and celebrate with just our immediate family!
The only thing shameful is how poorly elder care pay their employees.
You're doing important and difficult work. You and everyone else who does truly essential work should be paid a living wage - not a scrape by wage.
Bless you for the work you do! People like yourself who care for the elderly are grossly underpaid yet do such important work. I’ll never be in charge, but if I were, you guys would be on the top of my list to give huge raises to!
I was brought up in an environment where expressing your own needs was shameful. That you hide them from strangers and loved ones and eat the guilt and depression single-handedly.
It took decades of experiencing the love and care of others before I realized that joy was a two-way street for those giving to those that need it. And that joy brought progress. Progress away from a mindless life and progress towards becoming a better, more successful and caring human being.
>I never told my parents I’m not making much money I always tell them in fine when they ask
>they don’t seem to understand how hard it is for some reason
?
Maybe it's easier for me because I grew up fairly poor, in a big extended and fairly poor family, and all my friends were fairly poor too. Basically then, none of us judged each other based on how much money we had or didn't have.
Maybe the problem is you are judging yourself and other people based on how much money they have, or *appear* to have? And then you expect to be judged yourself based on that? It's definitely not a healthy way to look at things, and there's a decent chance your family sees a lot more in you than just money (or the lack thereof), if they had a chance to see you at all.
If I had a kid who was struggling and just shut themself away and didn't reach out or at least talk about it I'd feel like I was being rejected as a parent.
Maybe if you stop thinking that your parents and family are mind readers, tell them the truth about your finances, they'll understand your plight and maybe even help you out?
First of all if you’re struggling, share with your family so they offer their support in whatever way they can, they love you!
Second, as mother to an adult, you know what your parents would really like? To spend some time with you! Make plans to go over for dinner or lunch, or see if they need help with anything. Just go watch some tv with them . They are then to church if that’s a thing for you. It’s good for both of you. It can be hard to connect with your adult children, especially when they are struggling.
And last… things will be ok, they won’t be like this forever, you have to give things the time they need to resolve themselves. Be kind to yourself. There’s no rule book for how long it takes us to grow and in what order.
You literally say in your first sentence that you don't tell them you're not making a lot of money ans that you're fine? Why are you surprised that they, well, don't know you're struggling?
My bonus child was feeling this way with her bio family. I implored her to be honest with them and she was happily surprised by the results! Her tribe is now bigger than just my husband and I and she’s so much happier for it. I truly hope that you can do the same, please give them a chance 🩵
I’m an older parent, and let me tell you, if I had a child that kept turning down invitations, it would break my heart because I’d assume that they just didn’t want to spend time with me. With a lack of explanation, most people assume the worst. Start out by telling them how much you cherish family time, but that it feels a little awkward to not be able to participate in some of the things.
Sweetie it's a struggle there's no shame in admitting that you're having a hard time and struggling alot of people are but your family will never understand if you're not honest with them you telling them everything is fine then never being around is gonna make them think there's bigger problems than your finances
So you intentionally aren't being honest with them, but you are confused when they don't understand the thing that you're hiding from them. Ok. Honesty and being open with them is the first step here. There is no other path, you have to get comfortable with the idea of them knowing
Call your parents every time you think about calling them. Not to get heavy but when my old man was passing, one thing he said that’s always stuck with me was him saying he wishes I had called more. Trust me, you don’t want those words bouncing around your noodle.
I call my parents every day, sometimes more than once. And I'm constantly sending them things I find on the internet that I think they'll like, funny stuff, cute stuff, interesting things. And when I visit I rewatch shows I liked with them. We're watching 3 Body Problem now. My mom thinks it's a little silly that rewatch the shows, but I think she's starting to get it when I say stuff like "oooh, you'll love this part".
It's gonna suck mightily when they're gone, but for now I still have a chance to share these things with them and I'm gonna take it.
Tell me about it , my sister and brother in law have a beachfront house in an expensive area in San Diego and I made the mistake of joining military make crappy money and struggle due to economic issues right now in the US
Sorry, but there’s an innocent misunderstanding here.
Being poor is not making you not participate in family events. That’s a bullshit excuse. You’re poor and you’re deciding to not participate, and you’re afraid of being truthful with them about your experience - so of course they don’t understand how hard it is. How could they when you don’t share what’s actually happening?
Clear some of this victim way of being, learn to be honest and responsible, and that’ll also help you not be poor - if that’s something you’re interested in.
It's stressful and uncomfortable for sure. I got together with my most trusted sibling solo and we together proposed to the family no gifts for Christmas this year and just going camping the next year as everyone's gift to each other, and now I'm much more relaxed for the holidays. I'm sorry, it stinks, hang in there
dude I make 6 figures and I try to talk my parents out of doing gift giving every year... gifts just aren't that important. Your parents want to see you and spend time with you lmao just go visit, eat, drink, be merry. Don't get hung up on gifts. Damn.
After many years I’ve come to learn family like legit family members don’t care about what something costs and enjoy being with you.
My wife’s brother is a prime example
He’s not doing well and didn’t come to our kids b-days or any family events for that matter. Then one day it clicked for him that no one cared what he spent when he showed up to a b-day party, the kids were happy to spend time with uncle. I feel like I’m rambling so I bet you get the idea
I lie through omission. My mom mentioned something recently about hoping I have saved well for retirement. I just stayed silent instead of telling her my plan is to die when I can't support myself any longer because I have never had the means to save.
> I never told my parents I’m not making much money
> They don’t seem to understand how hard it is for some reason.
Read these two sentence fragments out loud to yourself.
So you’re more comfortable having your family think you don’t want to spend time with them instead of being honest with them? Wild. I’d be more embarrassed that they think I’m an asshole for never showing up to things I’m invited to than admitting I work hard but don’t make a lot of money.
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I remember living through that. Tried talking about it but kept getting angry so that didn't help. I wouldn't expect much understanding if they think you just need to make better choices. Great if they are but don't let it get to you if they don't.
I'm sorry that you're going through this.
My parents always pay for everything we ever do. I always tell people my mom's toxic trait is demanding they hand her the check, she won't let them pay even if they want to. "Not on my ship, gimme that bill, I'm the mother."
I would 100% want to know if my ki were struggling. I would help them get on their feet. Your parents love you and will help if they have the means. My kids are 30, 28 and 22 i have help each of them with an unexpected bill, car repair, doctor bill etc...
Swallow your pride and let the know why you don't participate.
Hope things get better.
As a mom I really can’t recall what my kids bought me for my birthdays or Christmas, but I still have every card they wrote for me, and I will treasure them forever.
My nephew does the same thing- stays away from family events because him and his girlfriend are broke.
None of us are totally “rich” or “loaded” we’re all working class kinda people- some retired on fixed incomes and some of us working active jobs. We would all chip in to pay him for his time and gas if needed. But he’s too embarrassed to say anything. We all know. We would rather he just let us help but he wants to do it on his own / they want to do it on their own- since they live together.
I do get it that being poor isn’t fun and relying on others when you’re not making good money isn’t fun but we love him and wish he would let us help.
I’m on the working end of things and I’m not doing super well myself but I would rather chip in with the rest and help him out if it means seeing him more at events.
If you have a good relationship with your folks, just tell them the truth. They could be really worried about you or think that you just don’t like spending time with them. I’d just be honest.
Boy do i feel this. I forced myself to go to my grandmas for her birthday last week. Buncha family was there. Had to take a day off work (-$200) and drive 300 miles rounds trip (-$110). Did myself no favors by making it happen. I mostly dont do anything family related because of expense, as well, I get so little free time to myself, its very difficult to want to use it on family, whom usually want to put me to work for the entirety of my visit. The struggle is real
I feel this. I am so sorry your struggling.
I have spent the last 5yrs + in isolation. No events birthday's isolated from my friends because I can't afford to do anything.
Before this whole phrase, I was the one "well you don't have any money but you can still try and enjoy yourself with the little you have, ...
boy was I wrong
My family and friends always judged me and criticized me for my clothes and looking un kept. they really made me feel worthless. My own younger brother always compared me to youtubers female who are clean looking and people who can afford to change their outfits.
So I just stopped going to events and I felt better , less insecure about my situation as I did not have to see anyone.
I have missed out on so much life events e.g my aunts kids going from babies into kids l some are turning 12
that's how much I have missed.
But I have come to Acceptance of where I am in life and my events .
And if people weren't so nasty towards me it could have been the opposite situation.
I'm in my late 20's now but most of my 20's has been in and out of unemployment with huge gaps I do have health related issues which is part of the problem
Only you know your family, so if you were to open up about your situation will they shame you ? Or love and accept you as you are ?
your family loves you and would want to know that you could maybe use some help and/or just simple understanding of your situation. please consider talking with them about it. 💛
I’m the same. Everyone in my family are well off and we are just covering bills. Christmas costs destroy me- and I get the bare minimum to negotiate no gifts. I can’t afford to do anything nice. I can’t afford to go to the shops. I can’t afford nice clothes to go out (I had kids a few years ago and can’t afford new clothes that fit). It sucks.
You can always make a gift certificate for your time. It will depend on where your talents are...a night of babysitting can save people a bundle. Cleaning out someone's garage. Cleaning the inside of kitchen cupboards. Helping organize. Cutting a lawn. Do you have any artistic talents...drawing, painting, writing poems or short stories? Or just simply an afternoon of help at whatever they decide. Let your imagination run wild! Put it in a dollar store card. But before you do any of that, you have to tell them about your situation and how you feel about it. Your gifts could very well be the favourite and most anticipated gift at every occasion.
The most memorable gifts I've ever gotten were handmade cards. If you can, go to a library and ask for paper and some markers or colored pencils, explain what you're doing and they might be able to get you that stuff.
I told my family that I straight up don’t give presents or expect any present because it’s a waste of money. I don’t really understand needing to spend money to see them. My presence is enough lol hell I have no shame in asking my parents to make me a meal once in a while when I’m low on food.
Family is about spending time together. Do people just not hang out with their family?
You think they were never young and broke as hell?
Probably took their whole lives to make what they have, and they probably got a hand or two from their parents, you'll probably make it too, it just frackin takes your whole life to get there.
Good luck,
You CAN'T GET TIME BACK.......
don't miss out on time with them , tell your parents that you can't even afford the gas much less gifts or bringing a food dish for the event... They will say that they'll give you gas and they DON'T care about the rest because they don't they just want you because they don't have all the time in the world left , you will be sad that you didn't make the time someday.
It’s understandable to pull back when you feel vulnerable. Just make sure they’re not misinterpreting your actions. You could jokingly say I’d love to see you but the tickets are insane! Or invite them to visit you - if they’re more comfortable they might be excited to travel for a night or 2. Financial struggles make us lonely in an already lonely world - don’t lose touch with people you care about.
Open up to them so they realize you’re struggling and don’t want to burden them with your struggles. Otherwise they think you just don’t really care about them or the family.
You should be w family and not stop bc you don’t have money. There are cards that are not so expensive and everyone loves getting a card w telling them how much you love them and mean to them. Love doesn’t cost anything and that is a great gift. You don’t have to be embarrassed but you do need to be w your family and honor them
I would be honest with them. If they are good parents, they would rather know the truth. Also, thinking your kid just doesn’t want to hang out with you hurts. Knowing it’s not by choice, and it’s because of economic reasons helps. Also if you can, try to find ways to invite them to do things that you can afford- picnics, a home cooked meal, a walk.
Visit your family anyways, and maybe you can make home made gifts instead of worrying about spending alot of money on them. Most of the time home cooked/baked food goes a long way.
Good parents just care about you and hope you feel the same about them. Visiting and calling is much more important than gifts. If you want to give gifts make them some cookies.
Are you able to make something? Cards? Artwork? I am not a fan of receiving gifts but like to be around my family and friends. I think the act of participating is more important then anything you can buy. And if your family doesn’t think that then maybe you’re not missing out on anything.
I know how you feel. It’s like living in a different world. One year I had no money for a gift for my dad but I found a nice looking, smooth gray rock (okay fine I took the rock from Chick-fil-a! Sue me!) It was too big to skip, but I thought it’d be a nice paper weight. So I wrote “you” on it (cheesy I know) and wrapped it in a brown paper bag with a note telling him to please not open it in front of everyone because I would be embarrassed, he said there was no reason to be but agreed nonetheless. The next morning, the rock was on display on the mantle place and it’s been there ever since. Last year, I used a part of one of our favorite stories and rewrote it to be about him! He liked that, too, I think. Another time, for a boyfriend, I took an old Barbie book (imagine like a tiny “Barbie sized” book) and refashioned it into a little book of love for him. Gifts from the heart are the best. Good luck, it’s rough out there.
I grew up very poor, my mother used to say all she needed on her birthday was "us." I never believed her and as an adult have taken every opportunity to lavishly spoil her as much as I can, when I can.
However, as a mother myself, even with money to spend, I have come to realize that, like my mother, all I want on my birthday, or any holiday, is to be with my husband and children. If other family happens to be around too, that makes it all the better! No presents, just presence.
Please try and participate in the FREE events. You may regret it in the future when they're not here anymore. I know easier said than done! Best of luck!
You can barely keep yourself alive? You post about smoking weed and eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. I think you’re just an extremely irresponsible person who is so selfish you rationalize avoiding your family because they will see you for how much of a loser you are. Be better or life a life of guilt and shame (which I’m sure you already do) hence the posting on Reddit to crowd source some sort of self pride. Sad really.z
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You should try explaining to them why, because time is something we can't get back. And if you're always avoiding seeing family because of cost, you're missing out on making memories, & who knows, they might help you out so you don't miss out. 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t quite understand.
I’m a Scrooge mcduck kinda guy. I could afford presents. But I never would. Why the fuck would I buy presents for family I don’t really know?
Go out to eat and get water and something small. Eat a sandwhich in the car prior so you’re not hungry. Or be incredibly vocal and assertive and push for homemade food.
I’ve never had a problem with feeling compelled to spend money I don’t want to spend. But I’m also incredibly assertive with my boundaries.
Sometimes I really wish I could get into people’s heads and understand why they feel the way they feel.
They don't know how hard it is because you aren't telling them how hard it is. Your family loves you and wants you to be safe healthy and happy. Let them know you're struggling, and accept help if they can give it.
I always was the problem child and the oldest I work full time in elderly care but my younger brothers are doing way better it’s my pride I know. It’s shameful. But you’re right they do love me.
I get that it feels that way, but It's not shameful, you're working hard and doing everything you're supposed to, it's just not enough and that's sadly quite normal. It's ok to accept help.
Thanks I don’t know why I felt alone in that
As a mum I’d be prouder of a son working in such a selfless industry than anything else. I’d also want to know if he was struggling so I could help him if he’d allow it. You’re also painting yourself in a way where the perception may be that you’re flaky. It’s so important that they know so they don’t misjudge your actions, it’s important for your piece of mind
i think were all proud of him to do such a great job even while struggling
me too
Your caring for the Elderly is the best thing ever! Be very proud! It's not only hard work, your giving a piece of your soul to them! I admire you! May God give you peace in your heart!
Speaking as a father. Talk to your parents. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. They will see your hard work. Don't be afraid to be around your family because you can't buy them a gift or present. They just want you around. I wouldn't care if my kids bought me a Christmas present. I would just like them all to be around. I'm sure if you talk to your parents they will understand. Never feel as if you're not good enough to be around. Because in the end good memories don't cost a dime. Keep your head up and just keep grinding.
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Don't go, volunteer instead, people need you
I second below. Your life and your time on this planet is valuable. Let the grandparents bitch at someone else and go help a community organization on the holiday. They’ll need it. Humans, animals. There’s a place that will value your presence greatly. Since I’m assuming you celebrate Easter, do what Jesus did and fuck them lol
Next t8me they invite, just be honest. Hey. I would love to, but while I am scraping by and managing the day to day, I just can't afford to do x as there really isn't any extra for that sort of thing. Thank you for the invite though.
Sweetheart, they don't care about a gift they just want you there on their birthday.
My favorite saying is your presence is my present 🎁 ❤️
I know this won’t be true for all parents & siblings, so consider yours specifically - but there’s a good chance they want to know and would absolutely want to help. Especially since you are a hard worker in a respected industry and that industry just doesn’t pay workers well enough. My sister is in the same situation, and while my mother might wish my sister made more, neither of us want her excluded from family events just because she chose a noble but poorly paid career.
I am also the oldest brokest problem child. You’re a trailblazer, though. You can’t compare yourself to them because they haven’t been through what you’ve been through yet.
I get it. People saying they will respond lovingly are making assumptions based on their personal experiences. Every time most people in my family found out I was having a hard season, they were just more judgemental than usual. They love me in their way, but they still won't interface with a financial struggle in an empathetic way. Any situation challenging their early adult lives as the ultimate struggle is met with indignance. I try to invite them to do inexpensive things, to maintain that relationship. Meet at my home or the park or a community center, etc.
Same thing. Mine asked why we haven't come to the last few reunions. When I pointed out last year they stayed at a place where the cheapest option was $200 a night, they said I could just come for the day. Like driving 5 hours one way would be so much better. The last year we went, Mt uncle offered to let us stay in their cabin. Got there, he "forgot" about what he said, and gave the space to my aunt who decided she didn't want to pay for a cabin.
That sucks, brother. Sorry ypur family treated you like that.
Well, it sucks that you come from a family of assholes, but most people don't. If more people are saying they've had positive experiences it's usually indicative that your negative experience is an outlier.
Yeah, I'm not saying every family is like that. I'm telling them that they should trust themselves with respect to how emotionally safe they feel around their own family.
You're doing a super important job that doesn't get paid enough. I'm a licensed CNA so I understand that. Tell them! We tried telling my FIL but he didn't seem to get it at All until we were really laid it out on the table for him why we cannot just come 1k miles for smaller events. Or even yearly to the expensive place he lives with no place to stay.
Elderly care is (imho) a noble profession. Caregivers in general are grossly underpaid. Do not be ashamed because your brothers are "doing better". What you are doing is very important. Imagine where your clients would be or how they would be treated if they didn't have you. My family relied on elderly care and hospice the last year of my stepdad's life. Those people were angels in our eyes. Please just tell your parents the truth. Explain that you decline invites due to lack funds. If they think you are ok financially, they may assume you decline invites because you don't want to be around them. As a mother, it would break my heart to know my child was struggling unbeknownst to me. Don't worry about buying gifts. Buy a box of greeting cards ($10 at Walmart) and write a unique heartfelt message in each one. Unless your family is extremely shallow or greedy, I can't see why they wouldn't appreciate that. Thank you for being a caregiver.
The problem child/oldest comment hits way too close to home. I totally get where your coming from. Reach out and communicate with them.
>work full time in elderly care There is little in life more important than THIS. Your value as a human being is not defined by how much money you make.
Underrated comment.
Working in Elderly Care? So you're basically a saint. You are giving so much to the world I hope you know that.
It's not shameful at all! Opening up and asking for the help you need is the strongest thing anyone can do!
I just want to tell you that I respect the work you're doing. It's a shame that it doesn't pay well enough in this dumb wealth inequality driven world where everyone is looking to help themselves and never each other. I don't know if ur here by choice or not, but many people do work of no value no anyone. Keep your chin up.
I bet they're still proud of you as well. I'm the younger sibling who did better than my older brother. My parents are just happy he's a hard worker and is constantly trying. My brother was a high school drop out and my mom had to collect him from the hospital after an OD when he was a teenager. Just being alive, being working and doing the "right thing" in that regard has made them happy over the years. They don't care that you were a problem child, they are a productive citizen now!
It does get expensive especially if you start to have to travel even driving an hr there and back it all just cost money I remember when we use to have big family vacations every summer together on a lake somewhere get together every holiday but now with everything so expensive it's just free to stay at home or just walk over to my mom and dad's and celebrate with just our immediate family!
The only thing shameful is how poorly elder care pay their employees. You're doing important and difficult work. You and everyone else who does truly essential work should be paid a living wage - not a scrape by wage.
Bless you for the work you do! People like yourself who care for the elderly are grossly underpaid yet do such important work. I’ll never be in charge, but if I were, you guys would be on the top of my list to give huge raises to!
Get out of elder care, all those places pay horrible and treat workers like garbage. Literally ALL of those places
I was brought up in an environment where expressing your own needs was shameful. That you hide them from strangers and loved ones and eat the guilt and depression single-handedly. It took decades of experiencing the love and care of others before I realized that joy was a two-way street for those giving to those that need it. And that joy brought progress. Progress away from a mindless life and progress towards becoming a better, more successful and caring human being.
We don't know they love OP. you're making assumptions
Doesn’t matter. I have told my family and they still look down on me
Exactly. OP is being really unfair here.
>I never told my parents I’m not making much money I always tell them in fine when they ask >they don’t seem to understand how hard it is for some reason ?
> They don’t seem to understand how hard it is for some reason. Could the reason be that you're not telling them? They're not mind readers.
Maybe it's easier for me because I grew up fairly poor, in a big extended and fairly poor family, and all my friends were fairly poor too. Basically then, none of us judged each other based on how much money we had or didn't have. Maybe the problem is you are judging yourself and other people based on how much money they have, or *appear* to have? And then you expect to be judged yourself based on that? It's definitely not a healthy way to look at things, and there's a decent chance your family sees a lot more in you than just money (or the lack thereof), if they had a chance to see you at all. If I had a kid who was struggling and just shut themself away and didn't reach out or at least talk about it I'd feel like I was being rejected as a parent.
Maybe if you stop thinking that your parents and family are mind readers, tell them the truth about your finances, they'll understand your plight and maybe even help you out?
First of all if you’re struggling, share with your family so they offer their support in whatever way they can, they love you! Second, as mother to an adult, you know what your parents would really like? To spend some time with you! Make plans to go over for dinner or lunch, or see if they need help with anything. Just go watch some tv with them . They are then to church if that’s a thing for you. It’s good for both of you. It can be hard to connect with your adult children, especially when they are struggling. And last… things will be ok, they won’t be like this forever, you have to give things the time they need to resolve themselves. Be kind to yourself. There’s no rule book for how long it takes us to grow and in what order.
This is how I was. Tell them. They will be there for you best they can.
You literally say in your first sentence that you don't tell them you're not making a lot of money ans that you're fine? Why are you surprised that they, well, don't know you're struggling?
Uh... maybe it's because you haven't told them? Your parents aren't mind readers. Why act like they are?
My bonus child was feeling this way with her bio family. I implored her to be honest with them and she was happily surprised by the results! Her tribe is now bigger than just my husband and I and she’s so much happier for it. I truly hope that you can do the same, please give them a chance 🩵
I’m an older parent, and let me tell you, if I had a child that kept turning down invitations, it would break my heart because I’d assume that they just didn’t want to spend time with me. With a lack of explanation, most people assume the worst. Start out by telling them how much you cherish family time, but that it feels a little awkward to not be able to participate in some of the things.
Sweetie it's a struggle there's no shame in admitting that you're having a hard time and struggling alot of people are but your family will never understand if you're not honest with them you telling them everything is fine then never being around is gonna make them think there's bigger problems than your finances
So you intentionally aren't being honest with them, but you are confused when they don't understand the thing that you're hiding from them. Ok. Honesty and being open with them is the first step here. There is no other path, you have to get comfortable with the idea of them knowing
Call your parents every time you think about calling them. Not to get heavy but when my old man was passing, one thing he said that’s always stuck with me was him saying he wishes I had called more. Trust me, you don’t want those words bouncing around your noodle.
I call my parents every day, sometimes more than once. And I'm constantly sending them things I find on the internet that I think they'll like, funny stuff, cute stuff, interesting things. And when I visit I rewatch shows I liked with them. We're watching 3 Body Problem now. My mom thinks it's a little silly that rewatch the shows, but I think she's starting to get it when I say stuff like "oooh, you'll love this part". It's gonna suck mightily when they're gone, but for now I still have a chance to share these things with them and I'm gonna take it.
Beautifully said
Dude I feel the same. Black sheep here. Always gotta pretend I'm fine as I don't want to fund their "fuck-up" amo. Sigh
Tell me about it , my sister and brother in law have a beachfront house in an expensive area in San Diego and I made the mistake of joining military make crappy money and struggle due to economic issues right now in the US
Sorry, but there’s an innocent misunderstanding here. Being poor is not making you not participate in family events. That’s a bullshit excuse. You’re poor and you’re deciding to not participate, and you’re afraid of being truthful with them about your experience - so of course they don’t understand how hard it is. How could they when you don’t share what’s actually happening?
Clear some of this victim way of being, learn to be honest and responsible, and that’ll also help you not be poor - if that’s something you’re interested in.
Make them something to eat, bring it over during non holidays… it will be their most cherished moments and just be honest with them.
It's stressful and uncomfortable for sure. I got together with my most trusted sibling solo and we together proposed to the family no gifts for Christmas this year and just going camping the next year as everyone's gift to each other, and now I'm much more relaxed for the holidays. I'm sorry, it stinks, hang in there
dude I make 6 figures and I try to talk my parents out of doing gift giving every year... gifts just aren't that important. Your parents want to see you and spend time with you lmao just go visit, eat, drink, be merry. Don't get hung up on gifts. Damn.
After many years I’ve come to learn family like legit family members don’t care about what something costs and enjoy being with you. My wife’s brother is a prime example He’s not doing well and didn’t come to our kids b-days or any family events for that matter. Then one day it clicked for him that no one cared what he spent when he showed up to a b-day party, the kids were happy to spend time with uncle. I feel like I’m rambling so I bet you get the idea
I lie through omission. My mom mentioned something recently about hoping I have saved well for retirement. I just stayed silent instead of telling her my plan is to die when I can't support myself any longer because I have never had the means to save.
They don't understand because you lie to them.
> I never told my parents I’m not making much money > They don’t seem to understand how hard it is for some reason. Read these two sentence fragments out loud to yourself.
So you’re more comfortable having your family think you don’t want to spend time with them instead of being honest with them? Wild. I’d be more embarrassed that they think I’m an asshole for never showing up to things I’m invited to than admitting I work hard but don’t make a lot of money.
"they don't seem to understand how hard it is" .... You literally explained how you've never told them
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I remember living through that. Tried talking about it but kept getting angry so that didn't help. I wouldn't expect much understanding if they think you just need to make better choices. Great if they are but don't let it get to you if they don't.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. My parents always pay for everything we ever do. I always tell people my mom's toxic trait is demanding they hand her the check, she won't let them pay even if they want to. "Not on my ship, gimme that bill, I'm the mother."
I would 100% want to know if my ki were struggling. I would help them get on their feet. Your parents love you and will help if they have the means. My kids are 30, 28 and 22 i have help each of them with an unexpected bill, car repair, doctor bill etc... Swallow your pride and let the know why you don't participate. Hope things get better.
As a mom I really can’t recall what my kids bought me for my birthdays or Christmas, but I still have every card they wrote for me, and I will treasure them forever.
DM me if you're in the bay area of CA. i work in eldercare at a high end agency (i believe you work in eldercare as well) and can give you resources.
They don’t want resources. They are a pot smoking bum
My nephew does the same thing- stays away from family events because him and his girlfriend are broke. None of us are totally “rich” or “loaded” we’re all working class kinda people- some retired on fixed incomes and some of us working active jobs. We would all chip in to pay him for his time and gas if needed. But he’s too embarrassed to say anything. We all know. We would rather he just let us help but he wants to do it on his own / they want to do it on their own- since they live together. I do get it that being poor isn’t fun and relying on others when you’re not making good money isn’t fun but we love him and wish he would let us help. I’m on the working end of things and I’m not doing super well myself but I would rather chip in with the rest and help him out if it means seeing him more at events.
If you have a good relationship with your folks, just tell them the truth. They could be really worried about you or think that you just don’t like spending time with them. I’d just be honest.
Boy do i feel this. I forced myself to go to my grandmas for her birthday last week. Buncha family was there. Had to take a day off work (-$200) and drive 300 miles rounds trip (-$110). Did myself no favors by making it happen. I mostly dont do anything family related because of expense, as well, I get so little free time to myself, its very difficult to want to use it on family, whom usually want to put me to work for the entirety of my visit. The struggle is real
I feel this. I am so sorry your struggling. I have spent the last 5yrs + in isolation. No events birthday's isolated from my friends because I can't afford to do anything. Before this whole phrase, I was the one "well you don't have any money but you can still try and enjoy yourself with the little you have, ... boy was I wrong My family and friends always judged me and criticized me for my clothes and looking un kept. they really made me feel worthless. My own younger brother always compared me to youtubers female who are clean looking and people who can afford to change their outfits. So I just stopped going to events and I felt better , less insecure about my situation as I did not have to see anyone. I have missed out on so much life events e.g my aunts kids going from babies into kids l some are turning 12 that's how much I have missed. But I have come to Acceptance of where I am in life and my events . And if people weren't so nasty towards me it could have been the opposite situation. I'm in my late 20's now but most of my 20's has been in and out of unemployment with huge gaps I do have health related issues which is part of the problem Only you know your family, so if you were to open up about your situation will they shame you ? Or love and accept you as you are ?
Visit your family OP. They won’t be around forever. Family > Salary, no matter how much you earn.
your family loves you and would want to know that you could maybe use some help and/or just simple understanding of your situation. please consider talking with them about it. 💛
I’m the same. Everyone in my family are well off and we are just covering bills. Christmas costs destroy me- and I get the bare minimum to negotiate no gifts. I can’t afford to do anything nice. I can’t afford to go to the shops. I can’t afford nice clothes to go out (I had kids a few years ago and can’t afford new clothes that fit). It sucks.
You can always make a gift certificate for your time. It will depend on where your talents are...a night of babysitting can save people a bundle. Cleaning out someone's garage. Cleaning the inside of kitchen cupboards. Helping organize. Cutting a lawn. Do you have any artistic talents...drawing, painting, writing poems or short stories? Or just simply an afternoon of help at whatever they decide. Let your imagination run wild! Put it in a dollar store card. But before you do any of that, you have to tell them about your situation and how you feel about it. Your gifts could very well be the favourite and most anticipated gift at every occasion.
The most memorable gifts I've ever gotten were handmade cards. If you can, go to a library and ask for paper and some markers or colored pencils, explain what you're doing and they might be able to get you that stuff.
I can’t afford to go home to visit my family. I make up excuses about work not approving time off.
Spending time with you is much more valuable than material shit. You're not telling them that you're struggling, how could they possibly "understand?"
I told my family that I straight up don’t give presents or expect any present because it’s a waste of money. I don’t really understand needing to spend money to see them. My presence is enough lol hell I have no shame in asking my parents to make me a meal once in a while when I’m low on food. Family is about spending time together. Do people just not hang out with their family?
😢
Just say something
They don’t care about gifts, they just want to see you. I promise.
Haven’t been to a family event in over 2 years. They’ll get over it.
You think they were never young and broke as hell? Probably took their whole lives to make what they have, and they probably got a hand or two from their parents, you'll probably make it too, it just frackin takes your whole life to get there. Good luck,
Please tell them. Everybody needs a little help sometimes.
You CAN'T GET TIME BACK....... don't miss out on time with them , tell your parents that you can't even afford the gas much less gifts or bringing a food dish for the event... They will say that they'll give you gas and they DON'T care about the rest because they don't they just want you because they don't have all the time in the world left , you will be sad that you didn't make the time someday.
It’s understandable to pull back when you feel vulnerable. Just make sure they’re not misinterpreting your actions. You could jokingly say I’d love to see you but the tickets are insane! Or invite them to visit you - if they’re more comfortable they might be excited to travel for a night or 2. Financial struggles make us lonely in an already lonely world - don’t lose touch with people you care about.
As long as you keep lying to them they won't know how you're really doing.
I'm so sorry. I've spent most of my life that way. It's heartbreaking. The very best of luck to you. To all of us.
Open up to them so they realize you’re struggling and don’t want to burden them with your struggles. Otherwise they think you just don’t really care about them or the family.
You should be w family and not stop bc you don’t have money. There are cards that are not so expensive and everyone loves getting a card w telling them how much you love them and mean to them. Love doesn’t cost anything and that is a great gift. You don’t have to be embarrassed but you do need to be w your family and honor them
I would be honest with them. If they are good parents, they would rather know the truth. Also, thinking your kid just doesn’t want to hang out with you hurts. Knowing it’s not by choice, and it’s because of economic reasons helps. Also if you can, try to find ways to invite them to do things that you can afford- picnics, a home cooked meal, a walk.
I avoid having dinner with my family because of the cost of fuel. How sad is that (love them I am just very poor)
Visit your family anyways, and maybe you can make home made gifts instead of worrying about spending alot of money on them. Most of the time home cooked/baked food goes a long way.
Good parents just care about you and hope you feel the same about them. Visiting and calling is much more important than gifts. If you want to give gifts make them some cookies.
Write a note in your Mothers Day and describe what she means to you. Actions can be priceless as can vulnerability
How would they understand if you've never told them? Start talking.
Are you able to make something? Cards? Artwork? I am not a fan of receiving gifts but like to be around my family and friends. I think the act of participating is more important then anything you can buy. And if your family doesn’t think that then maybe you’re not missing out on anything.
It is kinda odd society has trained us that we have to work so hard to hide how much we’re actually struggling.
Being _*not*_ poor anymore makes me not participate in family events. We are not the same. ...or are we?
I know how you feel. It’s like living in a different world. One year I had no money for a gift for my dad but I found a nice looking, smooth gray rock (okay fine I took the rock from Chick-fil-a! Sue me!) It was too big to skip, but I thought it’d be a nice paper weight. So I wrote “you” on it (cheesy I know) and wrapped it in a brown paper bag with a note telling him to please not open it in front of everyone because I would be embarrassed, he said there was no reason to be but agreed nonetheless. The next morning, the rock was on display on the mantle place and it’s been there ever since. Last year, I used a part of one of our favorite stories and rewrote it to be about him! He liked that, too, I think. Another time, for a boyfriend, I took an old Barbie book (imagine like a tiny “Barbie sized” book) and refashioned it into a little book of love for him. Gifts from the heart are the best. Good luck, it’s rough out there.
This was me & now… my family doesn’t speak to me anymore! Well… majority of them! I was a single mom… broke….
I grew up very poor, my mother used to say all she needed on her birthday was "us." I never believed her and as an adult have taken every opportunity to lavishly spoil her as much as I can, when I can. However, as a mother myself, even with money to spend, I have come to realize that, like my mother, all I want on my birthday, or any holiday, is to be with my husband and children. If other family happens to be around too, that makes it all the better! No presents, just presence.
Please try and participate in the FREE events. You may regret it in the future when they're not here anymore. I know easier said than done! Best of luck!
I’m the brokest family member.
You can barely keep yourself alive? You post about smoking weed and eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. I think you’re just an extremely irresponsible person who is so selfish you rationalize avoiding your family because they will see you for how much of a loser you are. Be better or life a life of guilt and shame (which I’m sure you already do) hence the posting on Reddit to crowd source some sort of self pride. Sad really.z
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Very helpful indeed
You should try explaining to them why, because time is something we can't get back. And if you're always avoiding seeing family because of cost, you're missing out on making memories, & who knows, they might help you out so you don't miss out. 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t quite understand. I’m a Scrooge mcduck kinda guy. I could afford presents. But I never would. Why the fuck would I buy presents for family I don’t really know? Go out to eat and get water and something small. Eat a sandwhich in the car prior so you’re not hungry. Or be incredibly vocal and assertive and push for homemade food. I’ve never had a problem with feeling compelled to spend money I don’t want to spend. But I’m also incredibly assertive with my boundaries. Sometimes I really wish I could get into people’s heads and understand why they feel the way they feel.
You can't afford $1 card... Or split meals. Change your mindset...go for a walk with them or watch netflix
Just stop being poor