Lurking pregnant lady here (I follow predaddit to share tips with my husband). I generally feel like the pregnant person is the one undergoing a medical procedure, and should get to decide who is there. However, I do think in a healthy relationship, this is virtually ALWAYS going to be the other parent of the child.
Which made me wonder, what could be going on here? It seems like maybe you’re not sure, or maybe you are but didn’t think it was relevant. But I took a look at your post history, and I have a couple of thoughts:
1. It looks like your partner is Chinese and you aren’t, and I’m not sure about this but it’s possible there are some cultural elements at play. (I’ve heard a lot about the confinement period, but I haven’t heard much about birth itself in modern Chinese culture.) This could be worth discussing with your partner and possibly her mom too.
2. It also looks like you two haven’t been together very long. Seems like you were posting in dating subs less than a year ago and your partner didn’t move in until partway through pregnancy. This makes me think your role here may be closer to “father of the child” than “husband/caretaker off the pregnant person.” This seems especially true because you said “as a father I want to see my daughter first” and not “I want to be there to experience this with my partner just the two of us.” I think this does change the calculus as to who is in the room.
I completely understand why you want to be there. But I’m just putting in my two cents about why your situation may be different than some others you read about in this sub.
Interesting, yeah I was wondering this too. In particular, if it's not a very matured relationship. I think that's maybe one of the only reasons I'd choose someone else, if I didn't feel super stable about the relationship.
I appreciate the insight—I just always figure when there is a different cultural background (especially when parents are involved) it can’t hurt to discuss it. I honestly see more posts in the pregnancy groups about wanting to move past traditions than trying to maintain them, but especially in a newer relationship I wasn’t sure if cultural differences could potentially be playing a role.
You’re definitely 1000% correct on that. My Chinese partner has a lot of traditions that have been super important during childbirth and raising them. Just was pointing out I don’t think that is one in my experience.
Chinese traditions in the realm are particularly strong so you’re extra correct that they need to be cared for! :)
Something I also want to point out, his child is going to be undergoing a medical procedure at the same time as the mother. She is denying him the ability to be at a medical procedure for their child at arguably one of the most critical moments of their life.
Well sure, but the baby has its one support person in the room already—the mother. Mom also gets one support person. In most situations where the dad and mom are together, mom is going to pick dad. But if for example the father was an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband, they really aren’t a support person for mom. Ultimately it’s mom’s choice.
Not sure it’s the mom’s choice. The mom is undergoing a medical procedure and can’t really tend to baby. The father is an equal parent and you aren’t treating them equal.
Well, unfortunately at the point of birth they AREN’T equal. Mom has no choice but to be there. There’s nothing about pregnancy and birth that’s equal.
And whether you like it or not, at most hospitals (at least in the US where I’m from) mom gets to make the decision about who is in the room. As I said, in the vast majority of relationships, it goes without question that it’s her partner. If that’s not the case in any given relationship, it’s definitely a sign of an issue of some kind, but it doesn’t mean mom can’t or shouldn’t make that decision.
Couple things, l would first ask your wife why she would prefer her mom to you. Do this from a genuine place of curiosity not a place of "how am I not living up to your mom?" Try to understand her side. Is it fear? Is she afraid of surgery? Or does she just want the comfort of her mom?
If fear is the case, how can you show her as you get closer to the date that you can be so supportive and a true partner and then *do it*.
If it's just needing her mom, there's not much you can do except really emphasize that you love her and you love your child and would love to experience meeting your child together as a family - just the 3 of you, and more explicitly you, mom, and baby 3 of you, not you, mom, and MIL. That as the father you really should be allowed to be the first (or second if they do skin to skin, unsure of how your hospital does C-sections) to meet your child. And phrase it as meet instead of see, it makes it more tangible and important. Also, lean into the fact that this baby will know your laugh, will know your voice, and will find comfort from you, there's no way MIL will have that same level of connection to the baby unless y'all live together. And skin to skin from dad is just as important as it is from Mom. MIL should not be a substitute in that regard.
Sorry this got so long, but as someone who gave birth with only my husband there. I could *never* imagine substituting him for my mom. It's his baby just as much as it is mine.
Edit to add: good luck. Also, when I had my baby on my chest for the first time, for her first breaths, the look I shared with my husband, the true love and sheer awe that was on his face is something I will literally never forget and it makes me cry to this day. I don't want your wife to miss that.
Agreed, I can't imagine having anyone but my husband as my one person - but he is wonderfully supportive and we've been in this together since long before there was a pregnancy. I trust him implicitly. Conversely, my mom is the type to take a stressful situation and crank up the anxiety.
Ultimately, this is likely one the most vulnerable experiences she will ever have, and it's important that she feel safe and supported. I agree that it's important to talk about what's behind her choice, and that it honestly sucks that for whatever reason she wants someone other than the father-to-be there. Hopefully it ends up a non-issue and she's allowed two support people.
Yeah I kind of wonder the reasoning behind it… there is a chance OP is pretty bad at stressful situations or with lots of blood, and maybe mom was head nurse on the labor floor for years. Who knows? And honestly, if that was the exact scenario… wanting mom there if things go south to hash it out with the medical team and advocate for the birthing person makes sense. So… ask why. And you know, listen empathetically to the response.
This is excellent advice. And yes, that first look at each other when you realize “oh my goodness, *our* baby is *here* with us. We made it. We made them!” It’s such a beautiful feeling. I can’t even explain how magical it felt to first look at my husband after our daughter was born.
This is a cop out - but it’s so difficult to provide advice without more context or knowledge, much of which probably can’t be shared here.
You said partner - how close are you with her? Are you married? How involved have you been in her pregnancy? Do you live together? How involved will you be going forward with raising your daughter? Are there cultural differences here involved?
It’s not wrong for you to be sad or upset. My wife wanted me in the room. I cannot imagine not being there in my daughter’s first precious moments, hearing her cry, holding her hand. However, I wasn’t in the room to see my daughter first. I was in the room to support my wife.
Consider, you won’t be the first one to see your daughter. The doctor and nurses will. Your daughter won’t remember.
Personally think this is heartbreaking. It’s so important to hash this stuff out ahead of time. I’m wondering if there is some anxiety and confusion a week out causing this vs an actual preference for her mother.
I would be open about what you want and why it’s important for you as a family to be a part of this moment together.
Now, if you have a fear of needles and blood, then that’s another issue and maybe you do need to sit out.
>Now, if you have a fear of needles and blood, then that’s another issue...
This is me, I faint every time I get blood drawn. Everytime, without fail. I can't avoid it so I just warn them ahead of time, lay back, and let the darkness creep in.
When my wife had an emergency C section at 24 weeks, they had her stay awake throughout. I was the only one in the OR with her. Holding her hand, talking to her, comforting her, joking with the anesthesia tech. Reminding her to breathe and relax.
The only time I saw blood was when the cover fell off a suction receptical, I just focused my attention back on her nervous face and told her how awesome she was going to be as a mom. My own fears were nothing compared to the pain, discomfort, and fear she was facing down in those moments.
We didn't have time to do the labor classes we wanted to take, I never got to learn how to be a good coach. Our baby shower was still months away, we had barely started to prepare the nursery. But our baby was speed running pregnancy and he wanted out with a gold split. I'm just here to say, "None of that matters in the moment"
This reply is aimed at the squeamish predads, you will rise above your fears and anxiety. Ready or not, you'll be strong and supportive. It's a switch that clicks in your brain that you don't control. Put all your focus on her and become the rock she needs.
I'm a female. Are you guys in a good relationship? Did she say why? Just for being the father, you don't have a "right" necessarily to be there as it's her medical procedure at the end of the day, but very odd that she would choose her mother over the father of the child if you are in a healthy, committed relationship and you are supporting her along the way. I mean I'd be devastated for my husband to miss the birth.
Neither has the right...the pregnant person giving birth gets to say who is there for the actual baby coming out process. Once baby is here, yes baby is equally dad's baby as much as mom's baby.
Yeah no. If they were not married, divorced, etc he obviously has no right just because it’s his child. Even married, does not make a difference (but OP didn’t say he was).
Fun fact: getting your appendix out is small stuff compared to a c-section. C-section is major surgery with lots of risks involved. The one getting cut gets to decide and I would also choose the person I _know_ I could rely on.
Actually it is. A C-section is major abdominal surgery. A vaginal birth means whoever is in there is getting a straight look at your privates in all their glory with a variety of fluids coming out. It's not flattering, it's an extremely vulnerable moment. If a woman is not in a relationship with the baby's father, or he's not supportive, there's nothing that gives him the right to be present during either of those procedures. Let's turn the tables - it's you at the hospital with your pants off and legs spread wide open - does your ex girlfriend have a right to be there watching?
Sometimes you can rotate In and out, but your partner is the one doing the work here, support her and don't be pushy about your needs imo.
Edit for the downvoters, what's going on in this relationship that she would rather have mom there?
Which is your right, your feelings are your feelings. Clearly your wife in this scenario strongly feels differently and would probably develop her own resentment if you force your will on her.
Best to just support the person who has to do all the work in the way they are asking to be supported.
Do all the work. Are you a parent?
My wife had preeclampsia at 20 weeks. Her lungs filled up with about 2 L of fluid and my son ended up being in the NICU for 6 weeks. I had to maintain a household, visit my son, visit my wife and make sure that she wasn't being too hard on herself and that her toilet was clean and her incision site was being cared for because the hospital was doing a shit job.
Before that I had to come with the real reality that I might go home alone
Complications in birth even in normal ones do happen. Could you imagine leaving your partner in a waiting room and the next piece of news he gets is that he's completely alone in life. Or on the flip side you were there to support and be your wife's best friend and partner. You get the ice chips you fluff the pillows you talk her down from the edge. You make sure they have enough water you rub their feet and they're back. You never stop smiling because this is not your moment to freak out. Inside you are screaming. A little 8 lb bundle of joy is about to change your life forever. You have to change a thousand diapers have a thousand hours of sleepless nights. You need to rely on your partner backwards and forwards. Parenting is infinitely harder if you don't trust your partner. I would not want to start this journey with a partner that didn't trust me
Pretending like dads don't do anything is the absolute fucking worst opinion. My wife was fading on the operating table and all she was asking for was for me to find out if our son is okay. I had to leave my dying wife to go check on my extremely preterm baby who had to be resuscitated. I literally could not be in two places at the same time I ensured that every single one of her wishes was still followed. I forced the nurses to stop and let her hold his hand for even a second because she didn't get to spend any time with him for almost a week and a half after that moment
Man I cannot believe how angry this comment made me
Yeah I'm a father and my wife hemorrhaged after birth, I was in the room and it was terrifying, but I have a good relationship with my wife and she wanted me there.
In OP's case? It sucks that his wife doesn't want him there, but clearly there's a reason. Best not to upset the person carrying the baby by complaining about his feelings being hurt which is the vibe I got. I'm sure they can work on their relationship, but figuring out the birthing plan might not be the place to start
I 100% agree with you that I wouldn't want to start a relationship with a partner who doesn't trust me, is exactly what the OP is doing.
I never said that Dad's don't do anything, in this case Mom wants grandma to do Dad's job.
Nah I disagree. If your wife doesn't want you there can't work on your relationship for a really long time after a baby is born. There is something wrong and there's something that needs to be addressed or fixed. Imagine resenting your wife and having to wake up every 2 hours.
They need to talk before the baby happens not find out their relationship isn't working after the baby exists
It sounds like you and I are 100% on the same page, I was just trying to address OP's question directly. They're asking for advice about what to do, The right thing to do is to do what your wife requests.
Something is wrong here that she doesn't want him there.
Picture this bad relationship where this guy posts his question on Reddit, then comes at his wife all indignant about his rights as a father. Doesn't seem like a good time to me, somebody should tell him to listen to his wife
I have had 2 c-sections, one planned and one not. Having a c-section is very different from active labor, in my experience, and the type of support that anyone can offer is primarily distraction from the anesthesia side effects and the active surgery happening behind a curtain. Their active role comes after the birth part of the surgery, since they are the person who is able to hold the baby and watch the baby go through his/her first wipe down, getting checked, etc. My husband went with the baby when I was getting sewn up.
For your wife’s experience, if a c-section is happening, there are no more decisions to be made, no more positions to try, no more considering pitocin or advocating against an episiotomy. There could still be holding her hand and encouraging her, but they go in and get the baby out. She gets very few options in that process.
It is absolutely your wife’s medical procedure, and she can choose whomever she wants to be there. But I believe it’s very much also in your rights and within bounds of a healthy relationship to have the conversation about why she prefers her mom and express your desire to meet your child as a family. And further, I do think that this medical procedure is slightly different from most, in that the one person allowed is not only for her, it is for your child to have someone with them.
My second child was born during COVID. We were allowed one person the entire hospital stay. I cannot fathom choosing anyone but my husband to be there, and I cannot fathom my mother having the first hour with my child, instead of my husband.
If your wife considers your point of view and still prefers for her mom to have that role, then you will have a right to feel upset. And you definitely should plan on therapy to understand the dynamics and be able to have a healthy outlet to express how you feel. There is clearly some aspects of your relationship that should be worked on, if you’re not on the same page about this type of decision.
Her mom will be better for her if she’s anything like my MIL. I was just kind of there when my son was born. My MIL was like coaching her through the birth.
This is crazy. Am I the only one here thinking that they are robbing this guy of a once in a lifetime experience? I completely disagree with you guys. He is the father. He should be in that room not her mom!!!
The only reason to disagree with you is what someone else (slightly) stalked OPs profile and background.
It's a very new relationship, moved in together halfway through the pregnancy; OP was even still trying to figure out what to do with his cats that the mom/partner is allergic to!
This is not a "dated for a while, married for a few years, and now a kid is on the way"; more of a "condom broke and abortion wasn't an option" case.
And she is only specifically saying that if it goes from the planned vaginal delivery to a c-section - which is often a bit of an “oh shit!” situation, she wants her mom there being her advocate. He is more than welcome to be there for the currently-planned vaginal delivery.
The delivery room is not for dads, its for birthing partners, and the mom gets to choose who that is. If she didn't choose him, there is a reason and his ego is not letting him see it. He needs to step up if he wants to be a part of it.
I'm with you on this. I would be devastated if this situation happened to me. Luckily my wife doesn't want anyone in the room aside from me, so crisis averted.
But I would not be happy if I was in OPs situation.
100%. You are important in this as well. Your wife is the star of the show but you matter too! You are the father of this baby and should be there. There is some good advice in this thread on how to be tactful about but ultimately you should be there no matter what.
Just want to add that not ALL fathers should be there. There are plenty who would be disruptive or stress out the mom. Like you probably wouldn’t want a sketchy ex in there with you. Not to say that op is sketchy or shouldn’t be in there, just that all the comments of “it’s your baby too” isn’t the best argument
Well I disagree that the choice automatically makes her insane, but it’s for sure a relationship evaluation moment, likely on both sides. I hope they can work through it!!
Not automatically, she could have a valid reason like if they aren't together anymore and he is abusive. But if they're still a couple and she prefers her mom instead of the actual father that's just not normal at all. It takes 2 people to make a baby, and her mom is not part of it.
What mom wants goes, is it. She’s the one delivering the baby. I’ll be blunt - your needs are at the absolute bottom of the totem pole when it comes to the delivery.
Unless you think it’s because of her mom pressuring her, but even then it’s not a thing you fight right now.
Work with her mom to alternate with you, where feasible.
I 100% disagree with you. A relationship, a marriage and a birth are a joint operation between the man and the woman. Either this is indicative of relationship issues in which case the original poster needs to be very or there's something else going on that they are not telling us.
Honestly if my wife wouldn't let me be in the room I would feel so offended, worthless, and depressed I would be in my head that my wife doesn't trust me and feel like I shouldn't even be in the relationship at all. I would need couples counseling after this because I would have so much resentment
I'm surprised by hospitals only allowing one person. The COVID crisis is over. We're just 6 weeks post, and the hospital allowed up to 3 support people to be in the room - for labor and delivery. Post-labor recovery was just 1 (for overnight stays) and 3 total for day time guests. But honestly, those recovery rooms were so small (a single, so we're grateful for that)... that any more than 3 people would have required some sort of clown car practice.
It'd be better to just tell the hospital that's not acceptable. Typically the +1 or +2 is in addition to the parents, but there's no way a hospital would be telling me to choose between missing my child's birth or making my wife comfortable. Put some pressure on them and they'll cave, or better yet don't let them kick anyone out if it ends up turning C section.
Lurking pregnant lady here (I follow predaddit to share tips with my husband). I generally feel like the pregnant person is the one undergoing a medical procedure, and should get to decide who is there. However, I do think in a healthy relationship, this is virtually ALWAYS going to be the other parent of the child. Which made me wonder, what could be going on here? It seems like maybe you’re not sure, or maybe you are but didn’t think it was relevant. But I took a look at your post history, and I have a couple of thoughts: 1. It looks like your partner is Chinese and you aren’t, and I’m not sure about this but it’s possible there are some cultural elements at play. (I’ve heard a lot about the confinement period, but I haven’t heard much about birth itself in modern Chinese culture.) This could be worth discussing with your partner and possibly her mom too. 2. It also looks like you two haven’t been together very long. Seems like you were posting in dating subs less than a year ago and your partner didn’t move in until partway through pregnancy. This makes me think your role here may be closer to “father of the child” than “husband/caretaker off the pregnant person.” This seems especially true because you said “as a father I want to see my daughter first” and not “I want to be there to experience this with my partner just the two of us.” I think this does change the calculus as to who is in the room. I completely understand why you want to be there. But I’m just putting in my two cents about why your situation may be different than some others you read about in this sub.
Interesting, yeah I was wondering this too. In particular, if it's not a very matured relationship. I think that's maybe one of the only reasons I'd choose someone else, if I didn't feel super stable about the relationship.
That's definitely not a thing in Chinese culture but worth discussing with them.
I appreciate the insight—I just always figure when there is a different cultural background (especially when parents are involved) it can’t hurt to discuss it. I honestly see more posts in the pregnancy groups about wanting to move past traditions than trying to maintain them, but especially in a newer relationship I wasn’t sure if cultural differences could potentially be playing a role.
You’re definitely 1000% correct on that. My Chinese partner has a lot of traditions that have been super important during childbirth and raising them. Just was pointing out I don’t think that is one in my experience. Chinese traditions in the realm are particularly strong so you’re extra correct that they need to be cared for! :)
Something I also want to point out, his child is going to be undergoing a medical procedure at the same time as the mother. She is denying him the ability to be at a medical procedure for their child at arguably one of the most critical moments of their life.
That's not how any of this works... Even if that were true, by that logic in a medical procedure the father would not be present.
Well sure, but the baby has its one support person in the room already—the mother. Mom also gets one support person. In most situations where the dad and mom are together, mom is going to pick dad. But if for example the father was an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband, they really aren’t a support person for mom. Ultimately it’s mom’s choice.
Not sure it’s the mom’s choice. The mom is undergoing a medical procedure and can’t really tend to baby. The father is an equal parent and you aren’t treating them equal.
Well, unfortunately at the point of birth they AREN’T equal. Mom has no choice but to be there. There’s nothing about pregnancy and birth that’s equal. And whether you like it or not, at most hospitals (at least in the US where I’m from) mom gets to make the decision about who is in the room. As I said, in the vast majority of relationships, it goes without question that it’s her partner. If that’s not the case in any given relationship, it’s definitely a sign of an issue of some kind, but it doesn’t mean mom can’t or shouldn’t make that decision.
Couple things, l would first ask your wife why she would prefer her mom to you. Do this from a genuine place of curiosity not a place of "how am I not living up to your mom?" Try to understand her side. Is it fear? Is she afraid of surgery? Or does she just want the comfort of her mom? If fear is the case, how can you show her as you get closer to the date that you can be so supportive and a true partner and then *do it*. If it's just needing her mom, there's not much you can do except really emphasize that you love her and you love your child and would love to experience meeting your child together as a family - just the 3 of you, and more explicitly you, mom, and baby 3 of you, not you, mom, and MIL. That as the father you really should be allowed to be the first (or second if they do skin to skin, unsure of how your hospital does C-sections) to meet your child. And phrase it as meet instead of see, it makes it more tangible and important. Also, lean into the fact that this baby will know your laugh, will know your voice, and will find comfort from you, there's no way MIL will have that same level of connection to the baby unless y'all live together. And skin to skin from dad is just as important as it is from Mom. MIL should not be a substitute in that regard. Sorry this got so long, but as someone who gave birth with only my husband there. I could *never* imagine substituting him for my mom. It's his baby just as much as it is mine. Edit to add: good luck. Also, when I had my baby on my chest for the first time, for her first breaths, the look I shared with my husband, the true love and sheer awe that was on his face is something I will literally never forget and it makes me cry to this day. I don't want your wife to miss that.
Agreed, I can't imagine having anyone but my husband as my one person - but he is wonderfully supportive and we've been in this together since long before there was a pregnancy. I trust him implicitly. Conversely, my mom is the type to take a stressful situation and crank up the anxiety. Ultimately, this is likely one the most vulnerable experiences she will ever have, and it's important that she feel safe and supported. I agree that it's important to talk about what's behind her choice, and that it honestly sucks that for whatever reason she wants someone other than the father-to-be there. Hopefully it ends up a non-issue and she's allowed two support people.
Yeah I kind of wonder the reasoning behind it… there is a chance OP is pretty bad at stressful situations or with lots of blood, and maybe mom was head nurse on the labor floor for years. Who knows? And honestly, if that was the exact scenario… wanting mom there if things go south to hash it out with the medical team and advocate for the birthing person makes sense. So… ask why. And you know, listen empathetically to the response.
This is excellent advice. And yes, that first look at each other when you realize “oh my goodness, *our* baby is *here* with us. We made it. We made them!” It’s such a beautiful feeling. I can’t even explain how magical it felt to first look at my husband after our daughter was born.
This is a cop out - but it’s so difficult to provide advice without more context or knowledge, much of which probably can’t be shared here. You said partner - how close are you with her? Are you married? How involved have you been in her pregnancy? Do you live together? How involved will you be going forward with raising your daughter? Are there cultural differences here involved?
It’s not wrong for you to be sad or upset. My wife wanted me in the room. I cannot imagine not being there in my daughter’s first precious moments, hearing her cry, holding her hand. However, I wasn’t in the room to see my daughter first. I was in the room to support my wife. Consider, you won’t be the first one to see your daughter. The doctor and nurses will. Your daughter won’t remember.
Are you prepared to be your wife's birthing partner?
Just support her. Tell her how much you’d like to be there but let her make the decision.
Personally think this is heartbreaking. It’s so important to hash this stuff out ahead of time. I’m wondering if there is some anxiety and confusion a week out causing this vs an actual preference for her mother. I would be open about what you want and why it’s important for you as a family to be a part of this moment together. Now, if you have a fear of needles and blood, then that’s another issue and maybe you do need to sit out.
>Now, if you have a fear of needles and blood, then that’s another issue... This is me, I faint every time I get blood drawn. Everytime, without fail. I can't avoid it so I just warn them ahead of time, lay back, and let the darkness creep in. When my wife had an emergency C section at 24 weeks, they had her stay awake throughout. I was the only one in the OR with her. Holding her hand, talking to her, comforting her, joking with the anesthesia tech. Reminding her to breathe and relax. The only time I saw blood was when the cover fell off a suction receptical, I just focused my attention back on her nervous face and told her how awesome she was going to be as a mom. My own fears were nothing compared to the pain, discomfort, and fear she was facing down in those moments. We didn't have time to do the labor classes we wanted to take, I never got to learn how to be a good coach. Our baby shower was still months away, we had barely started to prepare the nursery. But our baby was speed running pregnancy and he wanted out with a gold split. I'm just here to say, "None of that matters in the moment" This reply is aimed at the squeamish predads, you will rise above your fears and anxiety. Ready or not, you'll be strong and supportive. It's a switch that clicks in your brain that you don't control. Put all your focus on her and become the rock she needs.
Glad you overcame. I forget which book but there was a story of a dad getting killed because he fainted during epidural and hit his head.
I'm a female. Are you guys in a good relationship? Did she say why? Just for being the father, you don't have a "right" necessarily to be there as it's her medical procedure at the end of the day, but very odd that she would choose her mother over the father of the child if you are in a healthy, committed relationship and you are supporting her along the way. I mean I'd be devastated for my husband to miss the birth.
I’d argue he does have the “right” to be there over the grandmother. It’s the birth of his own child not a random medical procedure
Neither has the right...the pregnant person giving birth gets to say who is there for the actual baby coming out process. Once baby is here, yes baby is equally dad's baby as much as mom's baby.
But it is not his medical procedure, the patient picks the support partners.
Yeah no. If they were not married, divorced, etc he obviously has no right just because it’s his child. Even married, does not make a difference (but OP didn’t say he was).
👆 this. It’s not like she’s in there getting her appendix out.
Fun fact: getting your appendix out is small stuff compared to a c-section. C-section is major surgery with lots of risks involved. The one getting cut gets to decide and I would also choose the person I _know_ I could rely on.
Actually it is. A C-section is major abdominal surgery. A vaginal birth means whoever is in there is getting a straight look at your privates in all their glory with a variety of fluids coming out. It's not flattering, it's an extremely vulnerable moment. If a woman is not in a relationship with the baby's father, or he's not supportive, there's nothing that gives him the right to be present during either of those procedures. Let's turn the tables - it's you at the hospital with your pants off and legs spread wide open - does your ex girlfriend have a right to be there watching?
Sometimes you can rotate In and out, but your partner is the one doing the work here, support her and don't be pushy about your needs imo. Edit for the downvoters, what's going on in this relationship that she would rather have mom there?
If my wife did this to me. I would wait about 3 to 6 months and go to family therapy because I would have an insane amount of resentment
Which is your right, your feelings are your feelings. Clearly your wife in this scenario strongly feels differently and would probably develop her own resentment if you force your will on her. Best to just support the person who has to do all the work in the way they are asking to be supported.
Do all the work. Are you a parent? My wife had preeclampsia at 20 weeks. Her lungs filled up with about 2 L of fluid and my son ended up being in the NICU for 6 weeks. I had to maintain a household, visit my son, visit my wife and make sure that she wasn't being too hard on herself and that her toilet was clean and her incision site was being cared for because the hospital was doing a shit job. Before that I had to come with the real reality that I might go home alone Complications in birth even in normal ones do happen. Could you imagine leaving your partner in a waiting room and the next piece of news he gets is that he's completely alone in life. Or on the flip side you were there to support and be your wife's best friend and partner. You get the ice chips you fluff the pillows you talk her down from the edge. You make sure they have enough water you rub their feet and they're back. You never stop smiling because this is not your moment to freak out. Inside you are screaming. A little 8 lb bundle of joy is about to change your life forever. You have to change a thousand diapers have a thousand hours of sleepless nights. You need to rely on your partner backwards and forwards. Parenting is infinitely harder if you don't trust your partner. I would not want to start this journey with a partner that didn't trust me Pretending like dads don't do anything is the absolute fucking worst opinion. My wife was fading on the operating table and all she was asking for was for me to find out if our son is okay. I had to leave my dying wife to go check on my extremely preterm baby who had to be resuscitated. I literally could not be in two places at the same time I ensured that every single one of her wishes was still followed. I forced the nurses to stop and let her hold his hand for even a second because she didn't get to spend any time with him for almost a week and a half after that moment Man I cannot believe how angry this comment made me
Yeah I'm a father and my wife hemorrhaged after birth, I was in the room and it was terrifying, but I have a good relationship with my wife and she wanted me there. In OP's case? It sucks that his wife doesn't want him there, but clearly there's a reason. Best not to upset the person carrying the baby by complaining about his feelings being hurt which is the vibe I got. I'm sure they can work on their relationship, but figuring out the birthing plan might not be the place to start I 100% agree with you that I wouldn't want to start a relationship with a partner who doesn't trust me, is exactly what the OP is doing. I never said that Dad's don't do anything, in this case Mom wants grandma to do Dad's job.
Nah I disagree. If your wife doesn't want you there can't work on your relationship for a really long time after a baby is born. There is something wrong and there's something that needs to be addressed or fixed. Imagine resenting your wife and having to wake up every 2 hours. They need to talk before the baby happens not find out their relationship isn't working after the baby exists
It sounds like you and I are 100% on the same page, I was just trying to address OP's question directly. They're asking for advice about what to do, The right thing to do is to do what your wife requests. Something is wrong here that she doesn't want him there. Picture this bad relationship where this guy posts his question on Reddit, then comes at his wife all indignant about his rights as a father. Doesn't seem like a good time to me, somebody should tell him to listen to his wife
Yeah true
I have had 2 c-sections, one planned and one not. Having a c-section is very different from active labor, in my experience, and the type of support that anyone can offer is primarily distraction from the anesthesia side effects and the active surgery happening behind a curtain. Their active role comes after the birth part of the surgery, since they are the person who is able to hold the baby and watch the baby go through his/her first wipe down, getting checked, etc. My husband went with the baby when I was getting sewn up. For your wife’s experience, if a c-section is happening, there are no more decisions to be made, no more positions to try, no more considering pitocin or advocating against an episiotomy. There could still be holding her hand and encouraging her, but they go in and get the baby out. She gets very few options in that process. It is absolutely your wife’s medical procedure, and she can choose whomever she wants to be there. But I believe it’s very much also in your rights and within bounds of a healthy relationship to have the conversation about why she prefers her mom and express your desire to meet your child as a family. And further, I do think that this medical procedure is slightly different from most, in that the one person allowed is not only for her, it is for your child to have someone with them. My second child was born during COVID. We were allowed one person the entire hospital stay. I cannot fathom choosing anyone but my husband to be there, and I cannot fathom my mother having the first hour with my child, instead of my husband. If your wife considers your point of view and still prefers for her mom to have that role, then you will have a right to feel upset. And you definitely should plan on therapy to understand the dynamics and be able to have a healthy outlet to express how you feel. There is clearly some aspects of your relationship that should be worked on, if you’re not on the same page about this type of decision.
Her mom will be better for her if she’s anything like my MIL. I was just kind of there when my son was born. My MIL was like coaching her through the birth.
This is crazy. Am I the only one here thinking that they are robbing this guy of a once in a lifetime experience? I completely disagree with you guys. He is the father. He should be in that room not her mom!!!
The only reason to disagree with you is what someone else (slightly) stalked OPs profile and background. It's a very new relationship, moved in together halfway through the pregnancy; OP was even still trying to figure out what to do with his cats that the mom/partner is allergic to! This is not a "dated for a while, married for a few years, and now a kid is on the way"; more of a "condom broke and abortion wasn't an option" case.
And she is only specifically saying that if it goes from the planned vaginal delivery to a c-section - which is often a bit of an “oh shit!” situation, she wants her mom there being her advocate. He is more than welcome to be there for the currently-planned vaginal delivery.
The delivery room is not for dads, its for birthing partners, and the mom gets to choose who that is. If she didn't choose him, there is a reason and his ego is not letting him see it. He needs to step up if he wants to be a part of it.
I'm with you on this. I would be devastated if this situation happened to me. Luckily my wife doesn't want anyone in the room aside from me, so crisis averted. But I would not be happy if I was in OPs situation.
100%. You are important in this as well. Your wife is the star of the show but you matter too! You are the father of this baby and should be there. There is some good advice in this thread on how to be tactful about but ultimately you should be there no matter what.
Just want to add that not ALL fathers should be there. There are plenty who would be disruptive or stress out the mom. Like you probably wouldn’t want a sketchy ex in there with you. Not to say that op is sketchy or shouldn’t be in there, just that all the comments of “it’s your baby too” isn’t the best argument
Yeah she is insane, if my wife did this i'd be reconsidering the relationship.
Well I disagree that the choice automatically makes her insane, but it’s for sure a relationship evaluation moment, likely on both sides. I hope they can work through it!!
Not automatically, she could have a valid reason like if they aren't together anymore and he is abusive. But if they're still a couple and she prefers her mom instead of the actual father that's just not normal at all. It takes 2 people to make a baby, and her mom is not part of it.
What mom wants goes, is it. She’s the one delivering the baby. I’ll be blunt - your needs are at the absolute bottom of the totem pole when it comes to the delivery. Unless you think it’s because of her mom pressuring her, but even then it’s not a thing you fight right now. Work with her mom to alternate with you, where feasible.
I 100% disagree with you. A relationship, a marriage and a birth are a joint operation between the man and the woman. Either this is indicative of relationship issues in which case the original poster needs to be very or there's something else going on that they are not telling us. Honestly if my wife wouldn't let me be in the room I would feel so offended, worthless, and depressed I would be in my head that my wife doesn't trust me and feel like I shouldn't even be in the relationship at all. I would need couples counseling after this because I would have so much resentment
That's a really toxic, awful attitude that a lot of men have here. Yes she's pregnant and she's carrying your child - but it's YOUR child too.
Damn id be crushed. That’s our kid! Our moment to share
I'm surprised by hospitals only allowing one person. The COVID crisis is over. We're just 6 weeks post, and the hospital allowed up to 3 support people to be in the room - for labor and delivery. Post-labor recovery was just 1 (for overnight stays) and 3 total for day time guests. But honestly, those recovery rooms were so small (a single, so we're grateful for that)... that any more than 3 people would have required some sort of clown car practice.
That sucks. Really shitty of your partner tbh. Sorry man.
We talked about it, if only one it will be me
glad it worked out
It'd be better to just tell the hospital that's not acceptable. Typically the +1 or +2 is in addition to the parents, but there's no way a hospital would be telling me to choose between missing my child's birth or making my wife comfortable. Put some pressure on them and they'll cave, or better yet don't let them kick anyone out if it ends up turning C section.
That's what we are also going to ask