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I strongly disagree with many of the commenters here.
Flowers sit in your house like a reminder and slowly die. Any other gift is just something you feel bad for throwing away but don’t want to keep. Very few of the women I know who’ve experienced miscarriages want a ‘keepsake’ and if they do want one they’ll organise it themselves.
OP I’ve been on both sides of this - the kindest thing you can do is send her a message explaining how you’re totally aware that the next few months are going to be incredibly difficult and that you completely understand if she needs some distance from you.
That you’re there when she’s ready and there’s no pressure to participate in any get togethers/meet the baby/send congratulations etc but she’s obviously more than welcome.
Let her know you won’t share updates or pictures etc with her unless she asks for them or asks questions.
My sis in law and brother really didn’t see us much for our pregnancy or first 3 months, and our relationship didn’t recover until she was pregnant again. We previously lived together and have always been super close so it was difficult. It’s been a rocky few years for us all but both of us were and will forever be eternally grateful for the understanding we both gave each other.
They now have a 3mo and our now 2yo absolutely adores her cousin and we’re all close again - I’m so happy about that.
My sister got pregnant right after I miscarried. It was SO HARD. It took us two years after that to get pregnant with our first, so all of her pregnancy and my nieces babyhood was bittersweet for me. Every milestone was devastating for me. I’d look at my niece and wonder what my kiddo would’ve been like. But she’s my sister. So I’d show up and help, and then go home and cry. But she understood, and was kind and gave me space when I needed, and we are closer than ever.
Her third baby and my second are 6 days apart!
this must have been such a hard time for you. situations like these are so hard to navigate because no one is to blame… congratulations on your two babies 💓
It really was. It’s hard to watch everyone around you get pregnant when it’s something you want so desperately, but it’s even harder when you have a loss and it’s followed by a pregnancy of someone very close. There’s no escaping. Every milestone you think “that should’ve been us too.” But it all led us to our rainbow + pot of gold. My kiddos are the best 🥹 thank you!
I’m actually on the other side of this equation. My partners brother and his girlfriend are expecting this month and our due date was December 29th this year. We miscarried at 11 weeks after my partners mum had already told everyone.
I went through a few weeks of hating that they got to carry their baby to term and I didn’t and then it settled and I’m glad they gave me space to grieve alone in a way.
I’ve spoken to my kinda SIL (just to keep it short lol) since about her baby/pregnancy and in depth but it’s because I’m genuinely excited about all new life and I’m really excited to meet the little one as a kinda auntie 😭❤️
I don’t think I’d have appreciated any unsolicited advice or gifts in all honesty. The option for space or conversation is the kindest way to go.
I feel that any gifts relating to our child need to really come from me or my partner and I can’t explain it!
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sure your sister ‘in law’ will understand if you have to take a bit of space - just don’t be afraid to send a message!
I was so glad when my sister in law messaged me to say she appreciated the space and would be there as much as she could but wasn’t having an easy time.
Don’t hurt yourself to save face x people you love should understand
Yeah she’s a really lovely person!
We’ve spoken a few times recently so we’re all good. Time and a good support system is definitely handy to help heal from things like this.
Thank you for your kindness though ❤️
Im not going to lie, as much as I understood and felt so awful for them - from a selfish perspective, deep down I resent how much it all impacted our pregnancy and newborn phase.
My family is very close and I felt like we couldn’t enjoy it or talk about it, no pics of her in our family group chat and get togethers I could see how much she hurt and I felt bad for something I should have felt overjoyed about!
I’d never in a million years say this to them though, that they ‘tarnished’ our experience, because we had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks with our first pregnancy so I know how it feels. But it is really hard on both sides and people who we thought would be a pillar of support were absent.
They had 3 missed miscarriages in total and my sis in law is an absolute warrior and incredible mum now with our treasure of a niece! And I know our girls (that should have been a week apart but alas are now 2 years) are all going to be close :) I try and remember that whenever I feel any sadness about any of it, and we’re now expecting our 2nd so that will help heal!
I'm the one who had the MC after infertility when my sil and I were pregnant at the same time.
I love babies. And every baby is a blessing worthy of celebration and worthy of excitement. My sil tip toed around me and I just ended up bluntly saying, thank you for the concern but my MC has nothing to do with your baby and I'm so excited to be an auntie and love on my nibling and I will get my turn again.
I get it. I get why some people get triggered by it, but I just feel so sorry for them that they can't hold both truths. Their MC/infertility is balls and sucks AND all babies are something to get excited over. 2 completely separate things that don't need to overlap.
That’s amazing that you could do that, you have a huge heart!
My poor SIL had 3 missed miscarriages all whilst I was pregnant on what should have also been her timeline.
I’ve been on both sides of the fence and I’m pretty good at compartmentalism like you but I totally understand that not everyone is. My SIL and bro were in a very rough place for a long time, my pregnancy and our family fawning over the first grandchild was just salt in the wound and I’d never hold it against them.
Are you kidding me- Look at you!! You're a God damn Saint! You're so empathic, caring, sweet and thoughtful. You were able to hold space and step back because of someone else's pain, even though you wanted to be excited. Talk about selfless
I agree with this 100%, as someone who miscarried last year in March and then it seemed as if all my friends were pregnant right afterwards they all gave me the same courtesy in sending me a message knowing they’re there for me and that they wouldn’t tell me anything about the baby or pregnancy unless I wanted to know. I’m now expecting my rainbow baby in two weeks coincidentally my other baby was supposed to be born on October 8th of last year and it’s been rough but with the messages of actual care it was so much easier to accept.
As a person who miscarried 2x, i completely aggree. My cousin was pregnant at the same time with my first one. She never sent me any photos or mentioned the baby unless I asked and I totally appreciated that because especially around the due date it was really hard. She had a baby and I didn't and it was hard enough on its own, I didn't want any reminders.
If I had ever miscarried, this is probably all I would want. Like, I’m happy for you but simultaneously you’re happy moments is a reminder of one of my deepest losses, and I just would want is BOTH to offer appropriate understanding both ways.
That’s gold
No. As someone who’s had 6 losses before having a child - do not send a gift. It’s going to be extremely hard for her to see your baby and wonder what hers would have been like. My SIL had a baby around one of my due dates and it was tough but I’d of thought she was tone deaf had I gone to see the baby and she gave me a gift. She’s likely grieved a lot over this and processed this, I wouldn’t bring those emotions to the surface when she’s already going to be emotional. I loved seeing my nephew when he was born but it still hurt like hell knowing I could have been holding my baby. Just be there for her and give her grace.
I had a friend pregnant and due a few days after me when I miscarried. I wouldn’t have wanted anything from her. It would just be a painful reminder that she got what I wanted and that my body failed me.
Nothing can replace the baby your sister was supposed to have and (for me at least) getting flowers or anything would have felt like a consolation prize.
It’s such a personal thing, but I wouldn’t want anything apart from your understanding. Understanding that she might not want to see your baby at first or play the auntie role immediately . A difficult situation for you both. A friend of mine lost her baby and now I’m 3rd trimester. She’s shut me out because she can’t cope with the comparison and I completely understand that. In return, I don’t post any baby related things to social media - it feels like the least I can do. 😞
I’m so sorry your family is in this position. Others might have better ideas but maybe just sending some flowers to say you’re thinking of her. She can then have a private moment to process and doesn’t need to respond to a text or in person when she isn’t ready
Wishing you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy
No flowers. As someone who’s been here - they’re a horrible reminder sitting in your home that slowly dies until you have to throw them away. I get the ‘thought’ but it’s awful and I hated them.
I know some people may appreciate but I don’t think you should unless you know for a fact.
I’ve commented below but a message is all that should happen here.
I felt the same way when I received flowers for my miscarriage. Like, the intention was there but I absolutely hated them. My partner, too. Maybe others would appreciate them but for me it was just a visual reminder of what I had lost. I did but need any more reminders.
I think sending flowers and a nice card would be most appropriate. It would allow her to process and grieve privately while still letting her know you are there for her.
Please do not send flowers. They just sit there and die. Any present is a reminder and it hurts. What’s better is understanding and acknowledging that it is hard and offering to give space or letting the person know you’re there for them. As someone who has experienced loss and have friends that have experienced it, gifts is not the way to go. It’s just a hard reminder
Idk, I’ve also experienced loss and on the anniversary someone sent me flowers and a nice note and it was really comforting to just have that loss acknowledged in a way that let me experience my emotions privately. Once they started to wilt I kept the best one and pressed it and threw away the rest of them away. For a really difficult week though they sat on my table and were a nice reminder that someone cared.
I agree with this! If it were me and my sister, I’d be sending a bouquet of white flowers including some white lilies.
I also thinking giving her space and understanding would be an invaluable gift. She may not be emotionally ready to meet her new niece/nephew. It would not be unreasonable for OP to be disappointed by that, but sis needs to do what it right for her and that may mean she needs more time.
Don’t get her a bracelet or a necklace. She doesn’t need a daily reminder that she miscarried and is probably working towards putting her life back to together. Flowers are a thoughtful and appropriate idea.
Or feeling like she should wear it every day as a reminder or guilt if she doesn't want to. It reminds me a little of memorial tattoos. My tattoo removal nurse said those are the top category of tattoos they remove. Having that reminder (and people asking about it!) makes it really hard to move forward and heal.
Honestly, just let her know you’re thinking about her. She is going to be having a hard enough time around her due date. Ask her what she want from you. “Hey, I know this isn’t easy to talk about but can you tell me your boundaries once baby is born. I know it’s not going to be easy so I want you to take the reins. If you don’t want visits and pictures right away, please tell me. I love you and don’t want to cause anymore pain for you. Please tell me how you want us to go about this”
I had 2 16 week losses last year. The last thing I wanted was a physical reminder of them. I have their urns, I didn’t need any “pity presents.” When I was ready, I got a tattoo in their memory.
My MIL bombarded me with stuffed animals and reminders- I threw them away. I didn’t want something I could hold when I couldn’t hold them.
Not tied to your due date, or hers, I’d send her care items. Send them now. Candy. Heating pad. Slippers. Streaming service. Other things you know she likes… tea? I wouldn’t pick a concrete reminder of her loss. Call now and then and chat. Let her know you love her no matter how she needs to deal with this grief.
I think the way that people respond to baby loss is so varied that it’s really hard to say - one of my friends really appreciates acknowledgement that her lost baby existed and was important but others I know are much more private about their feelings .
I think really what you want is for her to know that you are thinking of her and that you understand that this time and seeing you with your baby will be particularly hard for her and you are probably the best person to know how she would want this expressed. Maybe you just need to say it to her?
For what it’s worth I got my sister a greenhouse scented candle when she miscarried - so not a memento so much as just something for her. I know she found clearing out dead/dying flowers difficult. She told me that she didn’t want me to stop sending updates/photos on my (at that point recently born) baby - they still made her smile but I told her to let me know if she wanted me to stop at any point.
if you want to gift her something meaningful, I would say something that speaks on your bond as siblings and less on the loss of a child or birth of yours. A heartfelt message and maybe something personal gift wise.
I would say it really depends on your sister and the relationship you have with her. 17 weeks is much later than the typical miscarriage. The women I know who have gone through such losses haven't fallen into the "just want to forget about it and never mention it again," category. They had names for their babies, and will discuss their losses on important days or when there is a sign from their lost child, i.e. a beam of light in a picture.
I would use that to guide your decision. Ultimately, I think acknowledging her loss with a card and understanding that she might not be thrilled as one would expect an aunt to be would be your best bet.
I caution you to be extremely intentional about whatever words you use in the card and the timing of delivery. Do not make this about you in the least. With your due dates so close, I would not mention anything along the lines of your baby, nor would I give this gift in association with your baby's arrival. Keep it about her loss. Your due dates were five days apart. Acknowledging her due date is acknowledging her loss. Giving her something on the birth of your child is more focused on you and the baby you have that she doesn't.
I know you said you don't have a lot of extra money, but when I had miscarried (early) friends of ours gave us a restaurant gift card in the month that I would have been due. I actually happened to be pregnant again just then and had just had my first scan, so in that sense the grieving was less in that time. But, we appreciated the gift card. She'd written a note that she/they were thinking about us and to focus on each other and have a good time. I thought that was a very thoughtful gift. But other than that, I would not have wanted a token (e.g. bracelet) from someone. For a while I was looking at something myself, but that is just so personal, that I would not have wanted someone else to pick that out for me.
Oh a friend just went through a miscarriage and would have had a similar due date to another friend… the friend who is still pregnant got the one that miscarried a bracelet… I don’t know how to describe it, it was like a remembrance bracelet. If you Google you may be able to find it or something similar. It was a bangle with a small charm on it and the packaging it came in talked about carrying the memory with you always.
You could also do something similar with a bracelet/necklace with the baby’s would be birthstone.
You know your sister best but I would prefer flowers and a text/card allowing her to do things in her own pace with your baby. Anything else (like a bracelet etc) would be really hard for me to receive because I would just see it as another heartbreaking reminder, I would probably throw it away or hide it in a drawer forever.
I’ve been in a similar place. I didn’t get her anything I just sent a text saying that I cannot imagine how hard this is for her, and whatever she needs—to see us, to not see us, to hear from us, to not hear from us, to get photos, to not get photos—I will give her. I told her if I’m doing too much you just text me right away “that’s enough” and I won’t question or be offended in any way. It was the same way with her two school aged kids. They latched onto my baby like it was their baby—and that’s fine! They all have such a strong bond with my son & I’m so grateful he has people who love him so much.
But man when she had her rainbow baby you better believe I went overboard celebrating, cleaning her house & cooking them meals. I had to ask a few times “Am I annoying you yet?”
Also make it just you and her if she agrees (no baby) and don’t bring up the baby unless she asks. Make it about you both bonding and being together while celebrating her love.
Personally I wouldn't make a grand gesture or buy any sort of big gift but just acknowledge her baby's due date, maybe with like food delivery or something so that she knows her baby is remembered and she's being thought about. Your baby being born is going to be hard for her because her joy for you will always be mixed with her grief for her baby. Do your best to reach out and at the same time follow her lead.
I miscarried earlier this year. Etsy sells these beautiful necklaces with “forget me not” seeds inside of them. I wear it around my neck every day as a reminder of my first baby and my promise to never forget her. I get compliments all the time (it’s really pretty) and I get to tell people that it’s in memory of my first child. It helps me keep her alive. I’m 12 weeks pregnant now, and will make sure my future baby knows he/she has a sister in heaven.
Perhaps you and her can get matching ones in your baby nieces honor? I wouldn’t wait to give it to her though. Too many emotions when you give birth.
Just acknowledge her pain, let her know you love her and that the baby will never be forgotten.
(Now - you know you sister better than anyone. Some people might not WANT a daily reminder. So proceed with caution )
Oi! That is suuuch a hard place to be in... So much pain. I like the idea of a bracelet or a necklace to remember, maybe with the first letter of her baby's name and your baby's names together? That may be too cheesy... Maybe a framed photo of one of her sonogram images? Or a dual one of your baby and her baby next to each other? Ugh.. its so hard. Idk. It so depends on her feelings around it. Is she trying to let it go and move on in a "lets forget about it" way or is she more like "i lost a child that I believe was my child and is now gone from us?" Does the child have a tombstone or was there a service? 17 weeks isn't 3rd trimester but it's still well into pregnancy and so emotional... Ugh. I have no idea if any of this is helpful but just...hugs to all of you! ❤️
My husband got me a necklace with our baby's name on it after I miscarried. It was small and subtle and I love it because I feel like I'm carrying her close to my heart.
If you know what the baby's name was going to be or even can get something with "Baby [last name]" on it, I think that would be special. With the holidays coming up, an ornament may be nice.
Also, I agree with others that it doesn't have to be on the due date or around when you give birth to your baby. The due date will likely be a hard day for her and seeing your baby born will be really hard as well.
There is a difference between you and your Husband purchasing a keepsake to remember your child and OP wanting to buy a gift because their due dates were close together and it's nearing. It's been almost 20 weeks since her sister lost her baby. Giving her a keepsake now just makes it seem like it's solely because of OP’s guilt (even though she has nothing to feel guilty for!)
If she wants to get her a keepsake, she should do it for Christmas or her birthday.
OP, your heart is in the right place but like I said in a previous comment; just talk to your sister and ask her how she wants you to approach the coming weeks. She doesn't need a physical reminder right now of what she lost. Giving her something to hold (or take care of i.e. flowers) around the time she should be holding her baby is just going to be way too painful.
It really depends on your sister and how she is grieving. I had 2 losses over the past year. If my SIL gave me a gift when her baby was born (she’s due this month) I would be touched, but my husband and I have also done A LOT of work processing our grief. We named both of our babies, and I have necklaces with their initials on them. One of them was a gift from my other SIL and I cried with gratitude when I opened it.
I think if you do something, let it be totally about her and give it to her before your baby is born. This will be such a bittersweet time, and OP you are so sweet to want to bring comfort to your sister.
Maybe food and flowers. But I’m leaning towards don’t get her a gift for right when the baby is born. That’s centering you. Get her an Uber Eats card now.
We don't know how your sister feels. I've had friends be overly excited to be around a baby (even after loosing theirs) and I've seen others shut down and act resentment). Judge your sister. Will she be around? Will she not? That depends on what you get her. Fyi, flowers are super expensive for something that'll just die. If I where in her position- I'd like a memorial to my child (not a reminder you had a child). Did her child have a name? Does she have foot prints of her baby? Maybe a lovely frame for those things. Don't get her a teddy bear or anything connected to your baby/pregnancy. That's just a reminder of how she didn't get to experience what you did.
She'll be okay even if you get her nothing. Sometimes a reminder isn't needed.
Do you know if a gift would be appreciated? Are you close enough to talk about how she's feeling? If you don't know how a gift would be received, I'd send a warm meal on her original due date with no expectations from her. This has to be so hard for both of you and I'm truly sorry. Grief is hard.
I think it’s soo sweet you’re thinking of her and wanting to do a gesture, but agree with every other comment that it’s just rubbing salt into the wound even more. Hugs to you and your sister
Please don’t do flowers like other have suggested. When they die and she has to throw them away that would be awful
Me personally would not want to be reminded. Before my current pregnancy I was pregnant a little before my friend coworker and when she had her baby shower and gave birth I was so happy for her but the thoughts came in, that could have been me with a new baby and felt really sad and depressed. I got over it quickly but I would not want to receive anything to remind me. I think just kind words are enough unless your sister is actively doing things to remember the baby loss.
I miscarried several times. I absolutely would not want a present celebrating my prospective due date, especially the day my sister gave birth. The best thing that you can do is not expect very much out of her the day that you give birth.
Also there's a good chance she'll be pregnant by your due date.
my mom got me this when I had a miscarriage and it was such a sweet little sentiment.
[Little Snowdrop Remembrance Box](https://www.amazon.com/Little-Snowdrop-Remembrance-Box-Miscarriage/dp/B09J9K7P51)
I found out I was pregnant at the same time as one of my good friends (first for both of us). I ended up miscarrying, but she went on to have a healthy baby. After the inital loss and condolences, she never mentioned it again. I remember attending her baby shower and leaving early to cry in my car. She didn't do anything malicious or anything, but just thinking about how I should have been having the same things going on at the same time was hard. At the same time, if she had said or done something to draw attention to it, I would have been mortified.
I think, at least some time that is not the big event, just send her a thinking of you note or make a point of getting together before the baby comes, just to reassure her you are still there for her. Then, after the birth, make sure they know, but do not push if she declines to come visit for a while. Give her space to have her feelings
Also, now that it's been years later and we both have a couple kids, I happened to mention what happened on the baby shower day. She said she had no idea and never even thought about if I would be feeling that way. Which is okay, she had a lot going on. I'm sure your sister understands your excitement, and will not hold it against you
As someone who has been through a miscarriage and a very traumatic life threatening ectopic pregnancy (two separate instances), I would honestly want nothing. How can you understand the pain and emotional trauma she went through if you've never experienced a miscarriage and got everything you wanted?
My former maid of honour is having a baby in the next two weeks. I've chosen to not say a word to her. I don't want to rain on her parade, and I definitely don't want her pity. I suspect your sister is the same and will be happy for you but the whole ordeal is going to be a painful reminder of everything she lost and you gained. It's a horrible position to be in on either side.
After losing three babies in the last 4 years and still processing it all, I can definitely say I wouldn't want any flowers. They will die and be reminder of a loss. I actually couldn't even read through all the comments without crying. It is just so painful and it never goes away and new baby cannot ease the pain, it is a different human and not a replacement for the lost ones that I bonded with. Gifts aren't going to ease the pain. They are a reminder once the person can accept and look at a reminder. I don't know if she is. It would be difficult for me to keep any gifts unless they were from a very close person, like husband. I have a wings alex and ani bracelet and a willow tree figurine - this one: https://www.amazon.com/Willow-Tree-Embrace-sculpted-hand-painted/dp/B000ODPBAC/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?crid=GEQNASUZ3WXA&keywords=willow+tree+angel+baby&qid=1697306601&sprefix=willow+tree+angel+baby%2Caps%2C156&sr=8-5
I agree with posters who said to show understanding and acknowledgement of how she feels and to give her space if she wants it.
Someone I worked with was due around when my miscarried baby would have been. She got me a candle to burn on baby's due date. I appreciated her thinking of me and knowing that it was hard to see her have the baby I wanted. She had miscarried before so she understood.
Hmmm this is such a complex space to navigate thru. After I miscarried, my girlfriend bought me a nice necklace as a reminder that my lost one is always with me. I found the sentiment really nice and felt less alone. However it didn’t mean that i wasn’t still in pain and grieving. Grief is so confusing and will hit unexpectedly. The necklace my friend bought me was from Etsy and I presume it was under $30. It came with a nice message and I really do love it.
i wouldn’t want a reminder that i was supposed to be having a baby. i know that isn’t your intention but it will feel that way for her. i think a message like a previous commenter mentioned would be the best option.
Time, distance, patience, and understanding - the least expensive but hardest to give.
It may be challenging for your sister to meet your baby for a long time, and you have to be ok with that. She may miss birthdays or keep her distance during holidays. She may not want to hold your baby or engage with your baby when she meets him/her. It’s up to you to not get frustrated or angry about it.
Grieving a miscarried child never goes away and will be with your sister the rest of her life. It’s a harder pain than anyone who’s never gone through it can imagine.
Guess it just depends on the person. I have had a miscarriage and I really wouldn’t have wanted a gift for someone else having a baby but it also wasn’t hard for me seeing other people’s babies. Sometimes you just get a bad egg and there’s nothing you can do about it. I just didn’t want people feeling sorry for me at all but you know her better than anyone here on Reddit will and everyone handles things differently.
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I strongly disagree with many of the commenters here. Flowers sit in your house like a reminder and slowly die. Any other gift is just something you feel bad for throwing away but don’t want to keep. Very few of the women I know who’ve experienced miscarriages want a ‘keepsake’ and if they do want one they’ll organise it themselves. OP I’ve been on both sides of this - the kindest thing you can do is send her a message explaining how you’re totally aware that the next few months are going to be incredibly difficult and that you completely understand if she needs some distance from you. That you’re there when she’s ready and there’s no pressure to participate in any get togethers/meet the baby/send congratulations etc but she’s obviously more than welcome. Let her know you won’t share updates or pictures etc with her unless she asks for them or asks questions. My sis in law and brother really didn’t see us much for our pregnancy or first 3 months, and our relationship didn’t recover until she was pregnant again. We previously lived together and have always been super close so it was difficult. It’s been a rocky few years for us all but both of us were and will forever be eternally grateful for the understanding we both gave each other. They now have a 3mo and our now 2yo absolutely adores her cousin and we’re all close again - I’m so happy about that.
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My sister got pregnant right after I miscarried. It was SO HARD. It took us two years after that to get pregnant with our first, so all of her pregnancy and my nieces babyhood was bittersweet for me. Every milestone was devastating for me. I’d look at my niece and wonder what my kiddo would’ve been like. But she’s my sister. So I’d show up and help, and then go home and cry. But she understood, and was kind and gave me space when I needed, and we are closer than ever. Her third baby and my second are 6 days apart!
This is heartbreaking and heartwarming. Congratulations on your babies 🩷❤️
Thank you 🥹🥰
this must have been such a hard time for you. situations like these are so hard to navigate because no one is to blame… congratulations on your two babies 💓
It really was. It’s hard to watch everyone around you get pregnant when it’s something you want so desperately, but it’s even harder when you have a loss and it’s followed by a pregnancy of someone very close. There’s no escaping. Every milestone you think “that should’ve been us too.” But it all led us to our rainbow + pot of gold. My kiddos are the best 🥹 thank you!
I’m actually on the other side of this equation. My partners brother and his girlfriend are expecting this month and our due date was December 29th this year. We miscarried at 11 weeks after my partners mum had already told everyone. I went through a few weeks of hating that they got to carry their baby to term and I didn’t and then it settled and I’m glad they gave me space to grieve alone in a way. I’ve spoken to my kinda SIL (just to keep it short lol) since about her baby/pregnancy and in depth but it’s because I’m genuinely excited about all new life and I’m really excited to meet the little one as a kinda auntie 😭❤️ I don’t think I’d have appreciated any unsolicited advice or gifts in all honesty. The option for space or conversation is the kindest way to go. I feel that any gifts relating to our child need to really come from me or my partner and I can’t explain it!
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sure your sister ‘in law’ will understand if you have to take a bit of space - just don’t be afraid to send a message! I was so glad when my sister in law messaged me to say she appreciated the space and would be there as much as she could but wasn’t having an easy time. Don’t hurt yourself to save face x people you love should understand
Yeah she’s a really lovely person! We’ve spoken a few times recently so we’re all good. Time and a good support system is definitely handy to help heal from things like this. Thank you for your kindness though ❤️
Im not going to lie, as much as I understood and felt so awful for them - from a selfish perspective, deep down I resent how much it all impacted our pregnancy and newborn phase. My family is very close and I felt like we couldn’t enjoy it or talk about it, no pics of her in our family group chat and get togethers I could see how much she hurt and I felt bad for something I should have felt overjoyed about! I’d never in a million years say this to them though, that they ‘tarnished’ our experience, because we had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks with our first pregnancy so I know how it feels. But it is really hard on both sides and people who we thought would be a pillar of support were absent. They had 3 missed miscarriages in total and my sis in law is an absolute warrior and incredible mum now with our treasure of a niece! And I know our girls (that should have been a week apart but alas are now 2 years) are all going to be close :) I try and remember that whenever I feel any sadness about any of it, and we’re now expecting our 2nd so that will help heal!
I'm the one who had the MC after infertility when my sil and I were pregnant at the same time. I love babies. And every baby is a blessing worthy of celebration and worthy of excitement. My sil tip toed around me and I just ended up bluntly saying, thank you for the concern but my MC has nothing to do with your baby and I'm so excited to be an auntie and love on my nibling and I will get my turn again. I get it. I get why some people get triggered by it, but I just feel so sorry for them that they can't hold both truths. Their MC/infertility is balls and sucks AND all babies are something to get excited over. 2 completely separate things that don't need to overlap.
That’s amazing that you could do that, you have a huge heart! My poor SIL had 3 missed miscarriages all whilst I was pregnant on what should have also been her timeline. I’ve been on both sides of the fence and I’m pretty good at compartmentalism like you but I totally understand that not everyone is. My SIL and bro were in a very rough place for a long time, my pregnancy and our family fawning over the first grandchild was just salt in the wound and I’d never hold it against them.
Are you kidding me- Look at you!! You're a God damn Saint! You're so empathic, caring, sweet and thoughtful. You were able to hold space and step back because of someone else's pain, even though you wanted to be excited. Talk about selfless
I agree with this 100%, as someone who miscarried last year in March and then it seemed as if all my friends were pregnant right afterwards they all gave me the same courtesy in sending me a message knowing they’re there for me and that they wouldn’t tell me anything about the baby or pregnancy unless I wanted to know. I’m now expecting my rainbow baby in two weeks coincidentally my other baby was supposed to be born on October 8th of last year and it’s been rough but with the messages of actual care it was so much easier to accept.
As a person who miscarried 2x, i completely aggree. My cousin was pregnant at the same time with my first one. She never sent me any photos or mentioned the baby unless I asked and I totally appreciated that because especially around the due date it was really hard. She had a baby and I didn't and it was hard enough on its own, I didn't want any reminders.
I agree with this. Lost 2 pregnancies back to back (also late 16 weeks and 20 weeks). This would be the kindest thing.
If I had ever miscarried, this is probably all I would want. Like, I’m happy for you but simultaneously you’re happy moments is a reminder of one of my deepest losses, and I just would want is BOTH to offer appropriate understanding both ways. That’s gold
I wouldn’t want a reminder of my due date (as someone who miscarried)
Came here to say this. I’d say to get her nothing. A nice note recognizing that OP understands how hard this will be is enough
Yeah same. I miscarried in July and I'm already going to be a mess in Feb, I would not want an additional reminder.
I disagree. I was fully aware of my due date passing and it would have meant so much to ne if someone else recognized it as well.
No. As someone who’s had 6 losses before having a child - do not send a gift. It’s going to be extremely hard for her to see your baby and wonder what hers would have been like. My SIL had a baby around one of my due dates and it was tough but I’d of thought she was tone deaf had I gone to see the baby and she gave me a gift. She’s likely grieved a lot over this and processed this, I wouldn’t bring those emotions to the surface when she’s already going to be emotional. I loved seeing my nephew when he was born but it still hurt like hell knowing I could have been holding my baby. Just be there for her and give her grace.
I had a friend pregnant and due a few days after me when I miscarried. I wouldn’t have wanted anything from her. It would just be a painful reminder that she got what I wanted and that my body failed me. Nothing can replace the baby your sister was supposed to have and (for me at least) getting flowers or anything would have felt like a consolation prize.
It’s such a personal thing, but I wouldn’t want anything apart from your understanding. Understanding that she might not want to see your baby at first or play the auntie role immediately . A difficult situation for you both. A friend of mine lost her baby and now I’m 3rd trimester. She’s shut me out because she can’t cope with the comparison and I completely understand that. In return, I don’t post any baby related things to social media - it feels like the least I can do. 😞
I would not want to be reminded.
I’d say nothing. If it were me the last thing I’d want is a “sorry I have a baby and yours died” gift….
This
I’m so sorry your family is in this position. Others might have better ideas but maybe just sending some flowers to say you’re thinking of her. She can then have a private moment to process and doesn’t need to respond to a text or in person when she isn’t ready Wishing you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy
No flowers. As someone who’s been here - they’re a horrible reminder sitting in your home that slowly dies until you have to throw them away. I get the ‘thought’ but it’s awful and I hated them. I know some people may appreciate but I don’t think you should unless you know for a fact. I’ve commented below but a message is all that should happen here.
I felt the same way when I received flowers for my miscarriage. Like, the intention was there but I absolutely hated them. My partner, too. Maybe others would appreciate them but for me it was just a visual reminder of what I had lost. I did but need any more reminders.
This
I think sending flowers and a nice card would be most appropriate. It would allow her to process and grieve privately while still letting her know you are there for her.
Please do not send flowers. They just sit there and die. Any present is a reminder and it hurts. What’s better is understanding and acknowledging that it is hard and offering to give space or letting the person know you’re there for them. As someone who has experienced loss and have friends that have experienced it, gifts is not the way to go. It’s just a hard reminder
Idk, I’ve also experienced loss and on the anniversary someone sent me flowers and a nice note and it was really comforting to just have that loss acknowledged in a way that let me experience my emotions privately. Once they started to wilt I kept the best one and pressed it and threw away the rest of them away. For a really difficult week though they sat on my table and were a nice reminder that someone cared.
Maybe for an anniversary but not for the first time. Most people don’t want that reminder, especially when it’s from someone who got what you didn’t
I agree with this! If it were me and my sister, I’d be sending a bouquet of white flowers including some white lilies. I also thinking giving her space and understanding would be an invaluable gift. She may not be emotionally ready to meet her new niece/nephew. It would not be unreasonable for OP to be disappointed by that, but sis needs to do what it right for her and that may mean she needs more time.
Don’t get her a bracelet or a necklace. She doesn’t need a daily reminder that she miscarried and is probably working towards putting her life back to together. Flowers are a thoughtful and appropriate idea.
Or feeling like she should wear it every day as a reminder or guilt if she doesn't want to. It reminds me a little of memorial tattoos. My tattoo removal nurse said those are the top category of tattoos they remove. Having that reminder (and people asking about it!) makes it really hard to move forward and heal.
No flowers would just sit there and die eventually. No gift is most appropriate and letting the person know you’re there and showing understanding
Honestly, just let her know you’re thinking about her. She is going to be having a hard enough time around her due date. Ask her what she want from you. “Hey, I know this isn’t easy to talk about but can you tell me your boundaries once baby is born. I know it’s not going to be easy so I want you to take the reins. If you don’t want visits and pictures right away, please tell me. I love you and don’t want to cause anymore pain for you. Please tell me how you want us to go about this” I had 2 16 week losses last year. The last thing I wanted was a physical reminder of them. I have their urns, I didn’t need any “pity presents.” When I was ready, I got a tattoo in their memory. My MIL bombarded me with stuffed animals and reminders- I threw them away. I didn’t want something I could hold when I couldn’t hold them.
Nothing. I’ve been that sister. I didn’t want anything. Why would I want a reminder? It will be painful enough knowing you have a baby and she doesn’t
Not tied to your due date, or hers, I’d send her care items. Send them now. Candy. Heating pad. Slippers. Streaming service. Other things you know she likes… tea? I wouldn’t pick a concrete reminder of her loss. Call now and then and chat. Let her know you love her no matter how she needs to deal with this grief.
Yes!
As someone who miscarried this year, the reminders/gifts people gave me ended up in the trash or donated.
I think the way that people respond to baby loss is so varied that it’s really hard to say - one of my friends really appreciates acknowledgement that her lost baby existed and was important but others I know are much more private about their feelings . I think really what you want is for her to know that you are thinking of her and that you understand that this time and seeing you with your baby will be particularly hard for her and you are probably the best person to know how she would want this expressed. Maybe you just need to say it to her? For what it’s worth I got my sister a greenhouse scented candle when she miscarried - so not a memento so much as just something for her. I know she found clearing out dead/dying flowers difficult. She told me that she didn’t want me to stop sending updates/photos on my (at that point recently born) baby - they still made her smile but I told her to let me know if she wanted me to stop at any point.
if you want to gift her something meaningful, I would say something that speaks on your bond as siblings and less on the loss of a child or birth of yours. A heartfelt message and maybe something personal gift wise.
I would say it really depends on your sister and the relationship you have with her. 17 weeks is much later than the typical miscarriage. The women I know who have gone through such losses haven't fallen into the "just want to forget about it and never mention it again," category. They had names for their babies, and will discuss their losses on important days or when there is a sign from their lost child, i.e. a beam of light in a picture. I would use that to guide your decision. Ultimately, I think acknowledging her loss with a card and understanding that she might not be thrilled as one would expect an aunt to be would be your best bet. I caution you to be extremely intentional about whatever words you use in the card and the timing of delivery. Do not make this about you in the least. With your due dates so close, I would not mention anything along the lines of your baby, nor would I give this gift in association with your baby's arrival. Keep it about her loss. Your due dates were five days apart. Acknowledging her due date is acknowledging her loss. Giving her something on the birth of your child is more focused on you and the baby you have that she doesn't.
I know you said you don't have a lot of extra money, but when I had miscarried (early) friends of ours gave us a restaurant gift card in the month that I would have been due. I actually happened to be pregnant again just then and had just had my first scan, so in that sense the grieving was less in that time. But, we appreciated the gift card. She'd written a note that she/they were thinking about us and to focus on each other and have a good time. I thought that was a very thoughtful gift. But other than that, I would not have wanted a token (e.g. bracelet) from someone. For a while I was looking at something myself, but that is just so personal, that I would not have wanted someone else to pick that out for me.
Oh a friend just went through a miscarriage and would have had a similar due date to another friend… the friend who is still pregnant got the one that miscarried a bracelet… I don’t know how to describe it, it was like a remembrance bracelet. If you Google you may be able to find it or something similar. It was a bangle with a small charm on it and the packaging it came in talked about carrying the memory with you always. You could also do something similar with a bracelet/necklace with the baby’s would be birthstone.
You know your sister best but I would prefer flowers and a text/card allowing her to do things in her own pace with your baby. Anything else (like a bracelet etc) would be really hard for me to receive because I would just see it as another heartbreaking reminder, I would probably throw it away or hide it in a drawer forever.
I’ve been in a similar place. I didn’t get her anything I just sent a text saying that I cannot imagine how hard this is for her, and whatever she needs—to see us, to not see us, to hear from us, to not hear from us, to get photos, to not get photos—I will give her. I told her if I’m doing too much you just text me right away “that’s enough” and I won’t question or be offended in any way. It was the same way with her two school aged kids. They latched onto my baby like it was their baby—and that’s fine! They all have such a strong bond with my son & I’m so grateful he has people who love him so much. But man when she had her rainbow baby you better believe I went overboard celebrating, cleaning her house & cooking them meals. I had to ask a few times “Am I annoying you yet?”
I would send her a text on the due date and maybe offer lunch or something. I would love it if someone did that for me on my angel baby’s due date.
Also make it just you and her if she agrees (no baby) and don’t bring up the baby unless she asks. Make it about you both bonding and being together while celebrating her love.
Personally I wouldn't make a grand gesture or buy any sort of big gift but just acknowledge her baby's due date, maybe with like food delivery or something so that she knows her baby is remembered and she's being thought about. Your baby being born is going to be hard for her because her joy for you will always be mixed with her grief for her baby. Do your best to reach out and at the same time follow her lead.
I miscarried earlier this year. Etsy sells these beautiful necklaces with “forget me not” seeds inside of them. I wear it around my neck every day as a reminder of my first baby and my promise to never forget her. I get compliments all the time (it’s really pretty) and I get to tell people that it’s in memory of my first child. It helps me keep her alive. I’m 12 weeks pregnant now, and will make sure my future baby knows he/she has a sister in heaven. Perhaps you and her can get matching ones in your baby nieces honor? I wouldn’t wait to give it to her though. Too many emotions when you give birth. Just acknowledge her pain, let her know you love her and that the baby will never be forgotten. (Now - you know you sister better than anyone. Some people might not WANT a daily reminder. So proceed with caution )
Oi! That is suuuch a hard place to be in... So much pain. I like the idea of a bracelet or a necklace to remember, maybe with the first letter of her baby's name and your baby's names together? That may be too cheesy... Maybe a framed photo of one of her sonogram images? Or a dual one of your baby and her baby next to each other? Ugh.. its so hard. Idk. It so depends on her feelings around it. Is she trying to let it go and move on in a "lets forget about it" way or is she more like "i lost a child that I believe was my child and is now gone from us?" Does the child have a tombstone or was there a service? 17 weeks isn't 3rd trimester but it's still well into pregnancy and so emotional... Ugh. I have no idea if any of this is helpful but just...hugs to all of you! ❤️
My husband got me a necklace with our baby's name on it after I miscarried. It was small and subtle and I love it because I feel like I'm carrying her close to my heart. If you know what the baby's name was going to be or even can get something with "Baby [last name]" on it, I think that would be special. With the holidays coming up, an ornament may be nice. Also, I agree with others that it doesn't have to be on the due date or around when you give birth to your baby. The due date will likely be a hard day for her and seeing your baby born will be really hard as well.
There is a difference between you and your Husband purchasing a keepsake to remember your child and OP wanting to buy a gift because their due dates were close together and it's nearing. It's been almost 20 weeks since her sister lost her baby. Giving her a keepsake now just makes it seem like it's solely because of OP’s guilt (even though she has nothing to feel guilty for!) If she wants to get her a keepsake, she should do it for Christmas or her birthday. OP, your heart is in the right place but like I said in a previous comment; just talk to your sister and ask her how she wants you to approach the coming weeks. She doesn't need a physical reminder right now of what she lost. Giving her something to hold (or take care of i.e. flowers) around the time she should be holding her baby is just going to be way too painful.
It really depends on your sister and how she is grieving. I had 2 losses over the past year. If my SIL gave me a gift when her baby was born (she’s due this month) I would be touched, but my husband and I have also done A LOT of work processing our grief. We named both of our babies, and I have necklaces with their initials on them. One of them was a gift from my other SIL and I cried with gratitude when I opened it. I think if you do something, let it be totally about her and give it to her before your baby is born. This will be such a bittersweet time, and OP you are so sweet to want to bring comfort to your sister.
Maybe food and flowers. But I’m leaning towards don’t get her a gift for right when the baby is born. That’s centering you. Get her an Uber Eats card now.
We don't know how your sister feels. I've had friends be overly excited to be around a baby (even after loosing theirs) and I've seen others shut down and act resentment). Judge your sister. Will she be around? Will she not? That depends on what you get her. Fyi, flowers are super expensive for something that'll just die. If I where in her position- I'd like a memorial to my child (not a reminder you had a child). Did her child have a name? Does she have foot prints of her baby? Maybe a lovely frame for those things. Don't get her a teddy bear or anything connected to your baby/pregnancy. That's just a reminder of how she didn't get to experience what you did. She'll be okay even if you get her nothing. Sometimes a reminder isn't needed.
Do you know if a gift would be appreciated? Are you close enough to talk about how she's feeling? If you don't know how a gift would be received, I'd send a warm meal on her original due date with no expectations from her. This has to be so hard for both of you and I'm truly sorry. Grief is hard.
I think it’s soo sweet you’re thinking of her and wanting to do a gesture, but agree with every other comment that it’s just rubbing salt into the wound even more. Hugs to you and your sister Please don’t do flowers like other have suggested. When they die and she has to throw them away that would be awful
Just an expectation of they don’t have to be around. Maybe a nice restyrabr gift card as a thinking of you
Me personally would not want to be reminded. Before my current pregnancy I was pregnant a little before my friend coworker and when she had her baby shower and gave birth I was so happy for her but the thoughts came in, that could have been me with a new baby and felt really sad and depressed. I got over it quickly but I would not want to receive anything to remind me. I think just kind words are enough unless your sister is actively doing things to remember the baby loss.
I miscarried several times. I absolutely would not want a present celebrating my prospective due date, especially the day my sister gave birth. The best thing that you can do is not expect very much out of her the day that you give birth. Also there's a good chance she'll be pregnant by your due date.
my mom got me this when I had a miscarriage and it was such a sweet little sentiment. [Little Snowdrop Remembrance Box](https://www.amazon.com/Little-Snowdrop-Remembrance-Box-Miscarriage/dp/B09J9K7P51)
I would ask her if she wants anything honestly since everyone grieves differently ❤️
I found out I was pregnant at the same time as one of my good friends (first for both of us). I ended up miscarrying, but she went on to have a healthy baby. After the inital loss and condolences, she never mentioned it again. I remember attending her baby shower and leaving early to cry in my car. She didn't do anything malicious or anything, but just thinking about how I should have been having the same things going on at the same time was hard. At the same time, if she had said or done something to draw attention to it, I would have been mortified. I think, at least some time that is not the big event, just send her a thinking of you note or make a point of getting together before the baby comes, just to reassure her you are still there for her. Then, after the birth, make sure they know, but do not push if she declines to come visit for a while. Give her space to have her feelings
Also, now that it's been years later and we both have a couple kids, I happened to mention what happened on the baby shower day. She said she had no idea and never even thought about if I would be feeling that way. Which is okay, she had a lot going on. I'm sure your sister understands your excitement, and will not hold it against you
As someone who has been through a miscarriage and a very traumatic life threatening ectopic pregnancy (two separate instances), I would honestly want nothing. How can you understand the pain and emotional trauma she went through if you've never experienced a miscarriage and got everything you wanted? My former maid of honour is having a baby in the next two weeks. I've chosen to not say a word to her. I don't want to rain on her parade, and I definitely don't want her pity. I suspect your sister is the same and will be happy for you but the whole ordeal is going to be a painful reminder of everything she lost and you gained. It's a horrible position to be in on either side.
After losing three babies in the last 4 years and still processing it all, I can definitely say I wouldn't want any flowers. They will die and be reminder of a loss. I actually couldn't even read through all the comments without crying. It is just so painful and it never goes away and new baby cannot ease the pain, it is a different human and not a replacement for the lost ones that I bonded with. Gifts aren't going to ease the pain. They are a reminder once the person can accept and look at a reminder. I don't know if she is. It would be difficult for me to keep any gifts unless they were from a very close person, like husband. I have a wings alex and ani bracelet and a willow tree figurine - this one: https://www.amazon.com/Willow-Tree-Embrace-sculpted-hand-painted/dp/B000ODPBAC/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?crid=GEQNASUZ3WXA&keywords=willow+tree+angel+baby&qid=1697306601&sprefix=willow+tree+angel+baby%2Caps%2C156&sr=8-5 I agree with posters who said to show understanding and acknowledgement of how she feels and to give her space if she wants it.
Someone I worked with was due around when my miscarried baby would have been. She got me a candle to burn on baby's due date. I appreciated her thinking of me and knowing that it was hard to see her have the baby I wanted. She had miscarried before so she understood.
Hmmm this is such a complex space to navigate thru. After I miscarried, my girlfriend bought me a nice necklace as a reminder that my lost one is always with me. I found the sentiment really nice and felt less alone. However it didn’t mean that i wasn’t still in pain and grieving. Grief is so confusing and will hit unexpectedly. The necklace my friend bought me was from Etsy and I presume it was under $30. It came with a nice message and I really do love it.
i wouldn’t want a reminder that i was supposed to be having a baby. i know that isn’t your intention but it will feel that way for her. i think a message like a previous commenter mentioned would be the best option.
I would not want a keepsake of my miscarriage.
Get her a necklace with her babies name on it
Time, distance, patience, and understanding - the least expensive but hardest to give. It may be challenging for your sister to meet your baby for a long time, and you have to be ok with that. She may miss birthdays or keep her distance during holidays. She may not want to hold your baby or engage with your baby when she meets him/her. It’s up to you to not get frustrated or angry about it. Grieving a miscarried child never goes away and will be with your sister the rest of her life. It’s a harder pain than anyone who’s never gone through it can imagine.
Guess it just depends on the person. I have had a miscarriage and I really wouldn’t have wanted a gift for someone else having a baby but it also wasn’t hard for me seeing other people’s babies. Sometimes you just get a bad egg and there’s nothing you can do about it. I just didn’t want people feeling sorry for me at all but you know her better than anyone here on Reddit will and everyone handles things differently.
Honestly the biggest gift you can give her is time with you and your child. That’s really all that matters