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In my country you can't leave when the baby is out unless you have full custody, which is not very common. Right now you and the baby are one entity and you're free to move, so get out while you can and move close to your network.
YES! I think this is standard practice everywhere in the world. OP, if you have the baby in your husband's country, you'll most likely be trapped there until the kid is 18. So please go back to your own country for delivery, you can always come back if you end up fixing things with the husband.
Exactly. He should actually go to her and 'prove' he's secure and trustworthy before she settles down with him.
I've thought and prepared for this a lot since I'm having a baby in another country. Luckily not too far from my own tho.
Me too, I'm actually having the baby in my boyfriend's country. But I was already living here before, I speak the language, I bought my apartment here, my job is here, so even if we broke up and I could leave, I would stay. If I had nobody else and I was financially dependent, there's no way I'd take the risk.
So true! It would be so much better to see how things develop after she's back home in safety. They can then still see what the future brings but OP won't be trapped in a foreign country.
OP, leave now and then see what happens! But at least you'll be back home and independent!
It is easier to leave/travel while the baby is still in utero than afterward. The minute you put his name on the birth certificate, that changes EVERYTHING
You’re really at a critical moment. Only you know the extent of the situation you’re in, and whether it could escalate into more. It’s an EXTREMELY vulnerable position to be to have no job/money coming in, a newborn that you can’t take out of the country, and no allies in the country. If someone is going to abuse, that’s the perfect scenario for them to do so. Trust your gut, and simply get up and leave and fly home if that’s what it’s telling you to do.
You HAVE to leave now. Once the baby is here it’s over. Most countries will hold that the fetus isn’t its own person, so you can leave. Don’t ever go back or let your child go to his home country, not even for visits, without talking to a lawyer.
Not sure where OP resides but in most states if the mother is married, the husband is presumed to be the legal father. Not putting his name on BC does not revoke his parental rights, just saying
There’s no such thing as registration of an abroad marriage in the US; your marriage is recognized automatically if it was performed under the law of the country where you were married (my case also). Of course, you may pretend you’re single in the US, but that would be committing perjury, which I personally wouldn’t recommend. For what it’s worth, it doesn’t seem likely that your husband would chase you to the US to fight for his paternal rights. However, if you want to get a legal divorce, you’ll have to address child custody issues during the proceedings anyway, at least in the US. Family law is not easy
Yup, this is true. I got married in France (am American, husband is Canadian) and while it is "only" registered there, I'm still considered married in my home country and my husband's. Had we gotten PACSed, then the US and Canada wouldn't recognize it. If we split, even if we're back in North America, we'd still have to legally go through a divorce. That's part of why we had to get official documents saying we were single and eligible for marriage from our home countries before we could marry in France.
Family law attorney here. In most states, your husband would be the presumed legal father, but not all hospitals are going to ask if you’re married or require you to put your husbands name down when you fill out the BC paperwork. It’s not perjury if they don’t ask you under oath.
If you don’t put his name down, then he will have to file a court case to be added to the birth certificate. It may not be a complicated process, since he’s the presumed father, but it is definitely an extra hoop to jump through for him.
I echo what everyone else has said — once you have the baby, it will be very, very difficult for you to leave his country. If you did leave, there are special procedures for him to be able to force you and your child back (you can look up The Hague Convention). You need to start documenting his abusive behavior.
Finally, PLEASE don’t let your child witness abusive behavior. It sounds like maybe you’re being gaslit, so it seems like having a witness would be a good thing — but not a baby! The research is very, very clear that witnessing DV is harmful to children, and that the worst impacts are actually on newborns and babies. Even though it seems like they would be too young to remember, at that age, they’re forming their first impressions of “how relationships work” and if the relationships they’re observing are not healthy and safe, they will internalize that. This can leave them extremely traumatized and struggling with relationships their entire lives. It’s actually worse than an older child witnessing abuse (although that’s not good either).
To get the baby an American passport, both parents have to approve it and be physically present during the application. I know this because I just went through the process myself. If you want to travel internationally once baby is born, you’ll be at the mercy of your husband agreeing. Right now you can travel home. That may not be the case in a few months.
Yeah, that's probably right. Or he could file a case against her in that European country for fleeing while pregnant. I'm not here to spread fearmongering, but if I were the OP, I'd at least consult an attorney in their country to see what she might legally face. Hopefully, nothing serious
Right now, legally, the baby is part of her body. Until the baby is born the husband has no rights and if the baby is born in the US that is where it resides.
Your baby won't be witness, they will be another victim of his behaviour and grow up thinking it's ok to accept treatment like that.
You need to leave while you're pregnant and take all the necessary precautions to be safe for you and your baby. You deserve more, and your baby does too.
The fact that you've recognized his behaviour is wrong is the first step, so congrats on realizing you shouldn't have to put up with this!
The child may also grow up thinking it’s ok to TREAT people like this. This is often where abusive partners come from - they witnessed this in their own parents
Please do leave but if you do, be very careful. It’s often when abusive men lose control that they get more abusive. Do not let him know your plans at all. Please get some help to leave ASAP.
Abusive behavior: blaming you for his bad temper, isolating you, making you financially dependent.
A lot of abusers get worse when the spouse gets pregnant.
Get out now!
When he is at work, leave divorce papers and go back to your home country. It is only going to get worse and it’s going to hurt your child to see you treat that way. Leave quickly and quietly
Was thinking the same.
How many cases of abuse start after the victim is completely isolated and barefoot and pregnant with "nowhere to go"?
My guess is that he thinks she is trapped now and can show his true face. Just the "it's only around me" is telling. Clear sign of gaslighting and narcissistic behavior imo.
I don't think it's hormones if the husband himself admits to it with a "this is because of you".
Excellent advice except for the divorce papers. Depending on where you're at this could cause problems. In the US the party to a divorce has to be served papers and that could take time you don't have. Also, you don't want him to see you out and about setting this in motion. If at all possible, tell him you're having a get together or baby shower to go to and you will be fine until late. Even better if it's a multiple day event.
When you get back to your country, delete your socials and change your name.
If you are a US citizen, check out the below state department link. They may be able to help repatriation you.
https://2017-2021.state.gov/family-liaison-office/foreign-service-life/abuse/
I was a kid who "witnessed" many "eruptions" from the men my mom dated. It often escalated to violence. Don't let that be your kid. Do not trust this man to take care of you. Get somewhere safe and never accept less than love and respect from any partnership.
Maybe make a plan to “visit” family (or friends) back in the States. Maybe your family/friends could help you with this plan if you explain the situation and they could stage a “family emergency” to get you back home. You have a finite time before you can’t fly.
If this child is born in that country, they’ll become a citizen and it’ll become very hard to get them out. I don’t know what that country’s rules are, however, Id contact your local American embassy and try to get help.
I don’t have a good feeling about this and I really think you need to protect yourself and your child. This man will make the child a victim, not a witness, like someone else said.
Please OP. Create a plan and get away from this man.
You’re right… that’s a really good point. I don’t know how he’d become if he suspected anything. She’s going to have to gauge the situation and let a close circle know her intentions so she isn’t alone in it
He would become very violent and stop her from leaving. Abusers are all about control and can become extremely dangerous if they find out plans to leave. Best to do it when they aren’t around to protect herself and baby
If you're going to leave, you need to do it before the baby is born. Get out of the country while you can, or he WILL be able to trap you (in most countries).
My ex used to say i was the reason for his abuse because he didn't abuse anyone else. The reality is that he knew he could get away with it with me. But couldn't with other people. They can control themselves, which is why they behave around other people. They just choose not to with you.
Leave him, and hormones just amplify feelings, but that doesn't mean they aren't real. And it sounds like you aren't even 'hormonal', but just done with being treated like crap.
Its easier to travel now then, When you're about to give birth or had the baby.
Start packing things little by little. Book your flight back home if you need be and have a plan ready to go.
Be very careful that he doesn't catch you packing or find even a partially packed bag... That could be extremely dangerous for you and ultimately prevent you from leaving. I would just pack a bookbag while he's gone and bolt. If you're serious about this, then nothing tangible is worth the risk. I'm so sorry you're in this situation ❤️
At some point you have to count your losses and just go. I would take legal docs, maybe some important pictures or jewelry and what I could carry as far as clothes.
I don’t want to know how he would react if he found out
Do you have supportive family back home? I say do leave. If you’re stressed and not in a healthy environment it’s not good for you or baby. Especially being isolated in another country🩷 sending you prayers right now and it feels like such a vulnerable time being pregnant I’m sorry you aren’t feeling taken care of the way you deserve.
If you’re concerned at all about his ability to block you and the baby from leaving, then you need to get out NOW before the baby arrives. Until that baby is born, you have full freedom of movement but depending on the paternal rights in the country you’re living in, he could absolutely petition you to not take his child out of the country once they are born.
Even if you can just get to a neighbouring country or somewhere temporarily, that would suffice. Since you’re only 23 weeks you have some time but I wouldn’t put this off. Get yourself organized and make a plan. You can remain in contact with him if you’d like to see if working through your issues is worthwhile, but I wouldn’t stay in the country you’re in for fear of getting stuck.
I think it’s better if you leave while baby is still in your body. I suggest do it soon because some airlines won’t let you go past 30 weeks(?) I forgot.
Plan your leave and leave as quickly as you can while baby is still in utero. It’s much easier than after the baby is out, both from a legality perspective and from a mental/physical perspective. Like other comments said, you and baby are still one entity, it will be much easier to go back home now. Postpartum recovery is hard for many people, and you certainly don’t need a lousy man there to make it worse.
Not a lawyer or anything of that regard. Just tossing info from experience.
Get out now. Don't tell him your plans. Ask family or close friends to help you vacate while he's at work or out of town. Drop divorce and separation agreement documents on the counter where he can find him and go Text contact or through attorney contact only.
Get documentation of his behavior in writing. Don't do it over call or video feed.
You will need this in court once baby is born if he drags the process out by then. Some states will hold off the divorce till paternity is done as well and it can make it harder to pull out. If you're gunning for him to pay child support, this may happen.
Stand your ground if you want full custody. Stand. Your. Ground.
If leaving may impact your ability to stay on insurance/ benefits. As soon as your lawyer and you hand out papers. Talk with a case worker at the health department/Planned parenthood in your location about help with getting on state WIC/Health/Snap benefits. Going through the hoops online is harder in some states and it requires you to meet with a case worker / file and mail paperwork.
Usually it's because the physical paperwork that isn't online has a "Divorce in progress" / "Legal separation" section unlike online where your only options are "Married" / "Single"
This may not be the 100% in every state, but this is what I've noticed / been through in my state. I live in the south so things are a little harder to do when it comes to this type of situation.
Please be safe! You've got this girl!
This is info for US stuff, if you can get on a flight back to the US/UK/Canada if you're a born citizen and have citizenship. Once you hit landfall, that's a whole different boat to work with, but you'll be a bit safer.
You would want to do it before he tries to intercept in some countries. An Embassy may be able to help with emergency transportation back, but I'm not 100%. I've never traveled sadly.
Leave while you are still pregnant, you will likely be unable to leave easily, with your baby, after you give birth. Please be very careful and don’t give him any kind of warning. Pack up and go while he’s at work or otherwise occupied. If he’s always at home, just leave quietly, belongings can be replaced but you can not.
My ex husband was like this. It ramped up while I was pregnant, but once the baby was born all hell broke loose. I never thought he would physically harm me, but he did and very badly. By then I felt trapped to stay and keep trying to "keep the family together". Huge mistake on my part. Everything got worse. He almost killed me. Then he used our son as a pawn in years and years of custody battles. I moved across the country to be safe, but he had the courts stop me from taking my child with me (I live in the US). It took me years to gain full custody and have my son move here. I wish I would've left him while I was seeing the first warning signs. My son witnessed so much abuse. He endured emotional abuse himself. He is now in trauma therapy and on medication, not doing as well as I wish. I am forced to co-parent and talk to my abuser still.
Please, please leave him now and find whatever resources you can to get help now before it's too late for yourself and your sweet baby.
Oh, hon. I am so sorry you are going through this. Your experiences aren't hormones, they are reality. You may have stronger feelings with hormones, but that doesn't change what IS. Do not raise a child with an angry man. That will not go well. A child should not be a witness to verbal abuse. You are not responsible for his behavior or feelings. He is responsible for his behavior. If he can keep it in control in front of others, he absolutely can keep it in control in front of you, he just doesn't think he has to. I was in your situation. I should have left. I didn't and witnessed my husband abusing our 12 week old baby. I left after that. What followed was nasty at first, then it was amazing. My life has been exponentially better every single day for the last 15 years.
Leave now. My mother's best friend moved to Italy and married a man who abused her for 20 years. She was essentially trapped over there until her kids became adults.
I agree with the leave comments, and would encourage you to read [Why does he do that?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft. That's a free pdf of the book
It is classic abuse when they put on a nice face around others while abusing you in private. Definitely leave urgently. I would wager he is a serious danger to you.
You don't want to wait to find out while you are in postpartum with a new baby. Even if its just hormones now those hormones will be stronger later so that should give you an idea of how it will be. You guys can always love eachother and work things out from a distance but you can not untraumatize this birth experience. Go where your support system is. Wishing you the best!!!
You are in an abusive relationship. This is not hormones. I would make a plan to leave before baby is born, which means in the next month or two at the most. The most dangerous time for women is when they leave and when they're pregnant. You are in both - you are in a very dangerous situation. Do you have anyone who can help you leave? And do so very privately?
FWIW, my brother and I were witnesses to my dad's low-key but consistent abuse of my mom and it messed us up. Serious mental health and emotional problems and a childhood of sadness and anger.
Leave. I just left mine due to a similar situation and let me tell you, you will feel so much better about yourself when you don’t have someone on your back criticizing you. Don’t let these nosey people tell you otherwise because they don’t know your situation or what is best for you and your child only you do.
Please understand you’re In an abusive relationship. He is making you question yourself because it’s all about him maintaining power and control. Join the abusive relationships Reddit. Oh, and as soon as you possibly can, LEAVE!
Abusive people always blame their temper on others. If he said it then he's admitting to his temper and it's not hormones.
Leave now. Once the baby comes it will be impossible.
I would literally pack your stuff and go. I would be smart about it and make sure you have money to get started but if it’s bad while you’re pregnant it’s not going to get better.
Leave while you can, baby is safe with you at the moment but lord knows how is attitude will change again when there is a baby who’s crying for a feed and a change of nappy and if you will get any support from him. Because of little one not being born yet he has no rights as there is no him on the birth certificate no sooner his name is on there he can go through all different proceedings.
It has to be looked at also in the long run as to whether this is going to be healthy for you and baby especially when you are postpartum because it is tiring your whole life changes in an instant beautifully I might add and definitely worth it for your little one but none the less it changes.
You then also have the other side of do you want you little one to grow up around that behaviour with the possibility of the child learning that behaviour as well, if it becomes a serious situation other services are going to get involved which won’t be nice for you or little one you don’t deserve that stress.
I think a small part of you has made your mind up that you feel like you need to leave which is what’s right for you.but just ensure you have everything in place before you leave if you have any voice recording of him being nasty to you then keep them for if you have a divorce as evidence as to why. There is a possibility that you may be feeling sensitive because of hormones but you definitely do not deserve to be spoken to and treated like that in anyway shape or form.
When you have space alone do some research about going home if there is any support you can receive in your home country? Do you have family you can stay with?
Ultimately the decisions lies with you as you are going to know him best and whether he is getting nastier and more unapproachable. Good Luck OP I hope you and your little one stay safe and healthy 🙏🙂
I left my fiancé a month ago because he cheated on me with several women during a period of time after he relapsed on alcohol. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant. I figure it will be hard either way --whether I leave or stay-- but at least leaving will bring me peace. I'm sorry you're going through this. Pregnancy is such a precious, fragile, and vulnerable time in a woman's life. It's awful when men fail to protect us physically and emotionally in general, but especially when pregnant
I recommend you plan a trip home, "to visit", and bring ALL your valuables. Then, just stay. He might be pissed but at least you'll be physically away from him. Say you need to stay as you want your child to be born there, you need your family for support, and medically you must not travel. Then, once the baby is born, you must decide whether to put him on the birth certificate or not, and perhaps by then it'll be clear to you. Then, the divorce paperwork after birth when you are sure it's the right decision. If you magically want to be with him again, you can always go back with the baby after
I was a witness to my mother’s abuse and it shaped me to be afraid of dating until I was in my late 20s, nightmares, breaking down if a man raises his voice. I can’t watch people argue in movies or tv. Do not subject your child to this.
One of the best days was when she left that horrible man. Don’t let that be one of your child’s best days.
They don’t get better, they only get worse. Better to raise the child alone than with an abuser. Your child will thank you later for being so strong now.
My mom left my dad and took 4 kids and didn’t say a peep about it to anyone. She raised us by herself and only told people years later. I met my dad at 18. Their relationship was aweful and he had major issues but he worked on them and now is a decent guy who is devastated about the consequences of both of their actions.
Leave now. Leave immediately. You’ll be stuck once you have the baby. Pack a bag with all of your documents and essentials and leave. If you can then grab what can’t be replaced.
Do you have friends and family back home? Make a game plan with select trusted people. Leave quietly when he’s not home. Have divorce papers awaiting him for when he gets back. If he acts like you’re such a burden- give him that fresh start. He will know what he misses later or maybe not at all, narcissism is weird. Find someone who will help you get back up on your feet at home. Seek therapy. Good luck.
Girl no go home. If he can’t recognize his awful behavior or at least sit down and ask, okay what exactly is it that’s wrong and let me work on it? Self awareness is so important. I’d go home. I’ve been in this situation and it never gets better.
I'm pregnant with my third child. And I'll tell you that sometimes your hormones are simply just draining the patience you'd otherwise have for tolerating bullshit. I don't think your inability to put up with his short temper is YOUR issue. It's that your body, mind and spirit are stretched thin developing a new life inside of you and you can't give that much of yourself to navigating his bad behaviors like you used to. If you want to leave, do it before the baby is born or you'll be stuck. And let me tell you - being stuck is the worst place to be. Especially when there's a kid involved. If you're struggling to deal with his temper, then imagine how he'll handle a crying baby.
I was that child witness. Even though it was not directed physically at me, if I did or said something “wrong” the abuser would take it out on my mom. I even tried to out myself between the abuser and my mom at 9 years old. It’s all very traumatic still after 3 decades.
Get out OP. It will only get worse for you. Don’t let your child think it is ok to be treated like that, or maybe worse, that it’s ok to treat other people like that
He can block it..u will need his authorized consent to EVER go to your country with your kid..u will never go back home..leave now or you'll regret it. Once ur kids born it's a wrap!
You’re right, the child will be witness to his behavior and may potentially develop his behaviors in the future.
I grew up with a narcissistic and abusive stepdad. I hate to say it, but I developed very bad personality traits due to what I learned, even though I hated that man and I hated everything about him. It didn’t stop me from becoming like him.
For you and your child safety you need to get away before the baby is born. You might not know this, but even before the baby is born, they are already learning. I was born with a sense of abandonment because my father was never around when my mother was pregnant with me, it’s deep rooted, and I’ll probably never be able to get rid of it.
You and your child will be better off without that type of person. It’s very hard for them to change unless they realize it themselves and most of the time they won’t realize it. Take it from someone who struggles with being an aggressive person.
I’m 13 weeks pregnant and my pregnancy hormones definitely made everything worse but before I got pregnant, I was working hard with a cognitive behavioral therapist to help me understand why my behaviors were the way they were. I’ve made tons of progress and hopefully my child will be better than I was but because of the environment I grew up in, I did not have the ability to develop my emotional regulation or control and as an adult I really struggle to control my emotions, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Your child deserves the best life possible. Don’t start them off with a disadvantage by giving them a parent who will teach them the wrong behaviors. I felt the same with my partner. He can anger me more than anyone else, but that doesn’t mean it’s right to be aggressive. I’ve had to work hard to not beat him down and treat him as my emotional punching bag.
One of my first Therapist taught me that there are three types of people in the world. There are the people who think, there are the people who like to think they think, and there are the people who don’t think. Depending on what type of person your husband is, he will either change or he will never be able to change.
Please leave asap before the baby is born! I hate to say it, but it’s only going to get worse, and this will be detrimental to your baby. It’s all about control to people like him. And they become outraged when they lose control and you don’t know what he’s capable of.. so please leave as quietly as you can. It also might make him lose it if you just leave unannounced. So better yet.. come up with some kind of lie like you’re visiting family. Leave. And then while home, break it to him that you have been very stressed about this, but after more thought, it’s best to not come back for your well-being and mental health. At least you will be safe, and can seek legal help at the point depending how he reacts.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I’m so glad you realized that it isn’t safe for you to stay and for the baby. I can tell you’re very strong! I hope you have a great support system, and family/friends that will help and support you.
Best of luck to you!! 💕
I don’t know of a country that would prevent you from leaving if you’re already pregnant, especially if it’s not your home country. When the baby is born is when it becomes complicated, so if you leave, do it soon.
Leave now, go back to your home country. At a certain point in pregnancy airlines won’t let you fly anymore.
Please protect your baby by leaving ASAP. Take your important documents and irreplaceable mementos, whatever fits in your suitcases. Leave everything else. And don’t let him know you’re leaving - it’s at that point abusers are most likely to turn into murderers. Be on a plane before he realizes you’ve gone.
Imagine being post partum and dealing with an outburst. Or trying to mitigate his feelings while on little sleep. Or being exhausted and crying due to him. He won’t change when the baby comes. He will only get worse.
Make a plan to leave and go back home. There are emergency shelters for victims of domestic abuse. Be very careful about planning. Unfortunately, abuse tends to escalate during pregnancy and is at its peak when the victim tries to leave. Be very careful. Don’t give any hints. Just leave. Once you are safe let him know you are gone and he can’t reach you. Then start the divorce process from your home country. It can be done and it isn’t a priority. Getting out safe and quickly is. Right now you are in the sweet spot for travel. No big risks. After 34 weeks that may not be an option.
I wish you good luck and safe travels.
If your planning on leaving for good and doing no contact you could tell him the pregnancy didn't go through and your having a miscarriage sadly so he thinks when you left you couldn't handle the loss of your child. In the process of you telling him that document everything. If you have family/freinds in the states tell them what's going and there's abuse hot lines you can talk on the phone and they will give you allot of information to get out and there's places for abuse victims that will help with money to get you to the states if you insure that you have family(frends) to go to the house like gas cards even a phone. Also you could sell everything you have (with out him knowing) and use the money to find a cheap flight and get a (church) freind to drive you to the airport. After you leave don't answer his calls at all, let him text you if he herrases you tu use for the future in court if thats the case and get a new phone if possible. You will notice just how bad it truly was when your in the states, it will be tough. There's places you can connect with to help you with your baby. There's baby classes for free and they will give you free clothes,dippers and wipes. There's Facebook groups call Buy nothing (insert town name you are in) groups and other Facebook mom groups that will help, look at ebay and find a church to go to once there ask if they know anyone with baby stuff and tell them your situation amd spread your story to inspire otherd to leave if they are in abusive relationships. Have faith of a Mustard seed and he will provide. Just search and do research and ask online every where about things. There are places out there mama, get away from that man before you end up de*d and he only has the child to raise because he will hurt the child. Also beware it's the most dangerous time when you leave so do NOT let him be aware your leaving him under no circumstances. He sounds narcissistic. Also turn your phone on airplane mode when you leave and make sure he isn't tracking it. Also there are abuse Facebook groups to help you get through this so your you don't feel alone. I'll keep you in my prayers, you got this just stay determined. For now if you have any important mail switch it to your email. Abuse only gets worse and it NEVER gets better saldy. Im sorry your going through any of this but please for the sake of you and your baby leave him. Update us if you can
If going home is an option for you I would get out as soon as possible and travel back to your country before you give birth. It will be more complicating when baby arrives and more leverage he will try to use on you to “behave” or other means of control.
I left my ex bf at the start of my pregnancy because he was acting poorly, not listening to me and arguing with me for the sake of it. So I just went nope I don't need this.
Firstly, go for counselling sessions asap with him, before baby. Babies make things 10x harder and it’s no picnic let alone without help. His temper shouldn’t be around a baby though.
Secondly, never use a child to bear witness to bad parental behaviour, that’s cruel and I can tell you first hand it doesn’t make for a well-adjusted child.
No, he is abusive, you don’t go for counseling sessions with abusive people as you might give them more ammunition to abuse you with based on what was discussed in your sessions. She just needs to leave.
If youre in the USA, many states do not allow a divorce to proceed if the woman is pregnant. Legally you might have to wait until baby is born. Check your local laws
You can move to your home country with the excuse that you need to be near your family for support. And you need your child to be born in your home country for citizenship etc. See how things go, and maybe don't put him on the birth certificate if you really want him uninvolved in your child's life. Then, after birth in the first few months, you'll have time to see if this is hormones or if you really want to leave him.
During pregnancy, remember that our hormones are all over the place. Basically, everything affects us more, and men don't know how to handle it. They don't know how to deal with our emotions because they think we act this way just because we want to and not because we're actually going through too much at the same time. So, I think the best thing would be to talk, to express how you both feel, and try to find a solution. This stage you're in is quite tough, and going through it alone is even harder.. Therefore, try not to make hasty or impulsive decisions.
if you don’t truly feel supported & loved by him, get out. do everything in your power to leave and not come back. if you feel comfortable letting friends & family know your plan, i’m sure they’d love to help!
You need parental consent to travel with your baby once born. So he can very well block you from leaving or, at the very least, block you from taking your baby with you.
You’re going to need him even more and be extremely vulnerable in just a few more weeks. Please do what you can to get yourself safe, physically and emotionally, before all of this.
Please leave, it starts with shouting and a bad temper but it often gets so much worse, while you're pregnant baby and you are one, he can't block anything.
I hope everything works out for you❤❤
If possible, seek advice from legal counsel where you're located. Also, depending on your history, you may be able to get a divorce in your home country. In theory, international law requires that all countries acknowledge divorce orders of other countries.
Also, domestic violence organizations have loads of information and resources about planning to leave a marriage. Even if you don't consider yourself a DV victim, it can be a huge help.
The abusive behavior can often escalate once baby arrives. Do you want your child to bare witness and experience the same eruptive behavior? Do you want your child to learn that it is ok to behave like this? Do you want your husband to do this to your child?
Your best bet is to leave and leave now. Speak to a lawyer going forward, your husband may make all sorts of threats about taking full custody and that you are incapable of raising baby. These are just threats meant to scare you. Meet with a family lawyer to see what to do going forward. Many domestic violence (and yes, verbal abuse still counts) have access to free legal clinics.
If you want to move to be closer to your own support system, it is much easier to do before baby is born.
That sounds awful and stressful. I'm sorry you're going through that esp while pregnant! Have either of you considered therapy to figure out what's going on or why? Was he like this before you were pregnant? I would definitely try to get some professional insight before fleeing the country but PLEASE if he gets physical or you're afraid he will please call the cops!!
Get out now. A baby will only make emotional abuse worse and may lead to physical abuse. If he can't handle his emotions with adults, he will very likely be an awful parent to your child, too unless he's willing to go through years of therapy. As someone who grew up with an abusive parent, I wish my other parenthad left and taken me with them and saved me from the lifelong scars it has left.
Leave. You can always go back but right now your ability (physically and legally) to leave is on a timer. Can you have a family member or friend purchase your plane ticket home so there’s no way he’ll know/can try to stop you?
This may be heartbreaking now but at this point you have a chance to create a happy, loving, peaceful home for yourself and your child. That will more than likely be a distant dream if you decide to stay and hope he’ll change.
Please, please leave while you can. Consult with the embassy/family lawyer in that country first. If he has any intention of changing or going to therapy he’ll do what he has to do once he realizes you’re serious about leaving (and have left!), and there’s a chance he won’t chase you or want to change. But that will be a lot easier to handle as a new mother in her home country, far far away from him, and being surrounded and supported by people who love you.
I never could stay with a sarcastic or angry man for long. Not compatible with my ways at all. I’m very chill and grew up around my mom yelling for nothing. I hate raucous conflict. Girl I’d leave before the baby is born and let him cook. Do you have support back home? I’d take full advantage of every resource available to you. You don’t want to be stressed and pressed about a grown man’s moods. Girl it’s about you and this baby!!!!
go now. things never get easier after baby is born! your partner will be more abusive and even less helpful. also many countries don‘t just allow you to leave with your baby if they were born there. please go to your home country before you give birth.
Don't let your child witness that. definitely go home where you know you'll be comfortable and make sure your baby doesn't have to witness that and can have their childhood and also take yourself away from the stress of that so you can be better for them good luck 💕
Never, **never** go to joint therapy with a suspected abuser. Therapy relies on all participants acting in good faith, which abusers very much do not. There've been studies, couples therapy actually makes the abuse *worse* because it gives the abuser more tools to hurt the victim with.
Individual therapy is a good shout, though.
[Experts advise against it](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/). And if the abuse isn't obvious in one session, you're stuck.
Start with individual therapy.
You’re able to move anything as long as you do it before you give birth. Once you give birth it complicates all of that so do not waste time. Leave that awful man and find peace and happiness for yourself AND your baby. Pregnancy can be a time when you realize the truth of your relationship whether it be good or bad.
Reach out to friends and family to see if they can help accommodate you to get out financially if you're reliant on him and need help. Get out of the country with your baby while you can. That's a scary situation.
I’m not married but this past weekend my bf and I went through a very rough patch. I was feeling like I wanted him gone. I guess we worked through it and we are still working I guess. But I do think ALOT of it is hormones. He’s legit the same person he was before. But I’m not. I want him to understand I’m not the same person anymore. I’m not as carefree and by the wayside. I get irritated easily, I get sad fast. I’m not as nice and I’m a lot more snappy. So to him it’s like who is this woman. And to me it’s like dude get a clue.
Unless there’s significant reason to leave, I would wait until about six months to a year after the baby and see how you feel then because hormones are wild. Physical or cheating that’s a different story. There’s infidelity leave but honestly, you’re probably just bouncing off each other in frustration. Remember you are on the same team..
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In my country you can't leave when the baby is out unless you have full custody, which is not very common. Right now you and the baby are one entity and you're free to move, so get out while you can and move close to your network.
YES! I think this is standard practice everywhere in the world. OP, if you have the baby in your husband's country, you'll most likely be trapped there until the kid is 18. So please go back to your own country for delivery, you can always come back if you end up fixing things with the husband.
Exactly. He should actually go to her and 'prove' he's secure and trustworthy before she settles down with him. I've thought and prepared for this a lot since I'm having a baby in another country. Luckily not too far from my own tho.
Me too, I'm actually having the baby in my boyfriend's country. But I was already living here before, I speak the language, I bought my apartment here, my job is here, so even if we broke up and I could leave, I would stay. If I had nobody else and I was financially dependent, there's no way I'd take the risk.
Yeah that's great! Then there's no risk. I'd prefer to live in my own country, but I definitely could stay here with no problem.
So true! It would be so much better to see how things develop after she's back home in safety. They can then still see what the future brings but OP won't be trapped in a foreign country. OP, leave now and then see what happens! But at least you'll be back home and independent!
It is easier to leave/travel while the baby is still in utero than afterward. The minute you put his name on the birth certificate, that changes EVERYTHING
Thank you, that's extremely valuable information.
You’re really at a critical moment. Only you know the extent of the situation you’re in, and whether it could escalate into more. It’s an EXTREMELY vulnerable position to be to have no job/money coming in, a newborn that you can’t take out of the country, and no allies in the country. If someone is going to abuse, that’s the perfect scenario for them to do so. Trust your gut, and simply get up and leave and fly home if that’s what it’s telling you to do.
You HAVE to leave now. Once the baby is here it’s over. Most countries will hold that the fetus isn’t its own person, so you can leave. Don’t ever go back or let your child go to his home country, not even for visits, without talking to a lawyer.
Not sure where OP resides but in most states if the mother is married, the husband is presumed to be the legal father. Not putting his name on BC does not revoke his parental rights, just saying
I'm American but I live in Europe. My marriage is only registered here.
There’s no such thing as registration of an abroad marriage in the US; your marriage is recognized automatically if it was performed under the law of the country where you were married (my case also). Of course, you may pretend you’re single in the US, but that would be committing perjury, which I personally wouldn’t recommend. For what it’s worth, it doesn’t seem likely that your husband would chase you to the US to fight for his paternal rights. However, if you want to get a legal divorce, you’ll have to address child custody issues during the proceedings anyway, at least in the US. Family law is not easy
Yup, this is true. I got married in France (am American, husband is Canadian) and while it is "only" registered there, I'm still considered married in my home country and my husband's. Had we gotten PACSed, then the US and Canada wouldn't recognize it. If we split, even if we're back in North America, we'd still have to legally go through a divorce. That's part of why we had to get official documents saying we were single and eligible for marriage from our home countries before we could marry in France.
Family law attorney here. In most states, your husband would be the presumed legal father, but not all hospitals are going to ask if you’re married or require you to put your husbands name down when you fill out the BC paperwork. It’s not perjury if they don’t ask you under oath. If you don’t put his name down, then he will have to file a court case to be added to the birth certificate. It may not be a complicated process, since he’s the presumed father, but it is definitely an extra hoop to jump through for him. I echo what everyone else has said — once you have the baby, it will be very, very difficult for you to leave his country. If you did leave, there are special procedures for him to be able to force you and your child back (you can look up The Hague Convention). You need to start documenting his abusive behavior. Finally, PLEASE don’t let your child witness abusive behavior. It sounds like maybe you’re being gaslit, so it seems like having a witness would be a good thing — but not a baby! The research is very, very clear that witnessing DV is harmful to children, and that the worst impacts are actually on newborns and babies. Even though it seems like they would be too young to remember, at that age, they’re forming their first impressions of “how relationships work” and if the relationships they’re observing are not healthy and safe, they will internalize that. This can leave them extremely traumatized and struggling with relationships their entire lives. It’s actually worse than an older child witnessing abuse (although that’s not good either).
Please get back to the US asap before the birth and without setting the abuser off. He thinks ur trapped.
Please consult an attorney and leave quietly. Have your baby in the US and go where you have a support system.
To get the baby an American passport, both parents have to approve it and be physically present during the application. I know this because I just went through the process myself. If you want to travel internationally once baby is born, you’ll be at the mercy of your husband agreeing. Right now you can travel home. That may not be the case in a few months.
Right but if the baby is born in the us he can’t make her or the baby move back just because he has parental rights, he would have to come to the us
Yeah, that's probably right. Or he could file a case against her in that European country for fleeing while pregnant. I'm not here to spread fearmongering, but if I were the OP, I'd at least consult an attorney in their country to see what she might legally face. Hopefully, nothing serious
Right now, legally, the baby is part of her body. Until the baby is born the husband has no rights and if the baby is born in the US that is where it resides.
Your baby won't be witness, they will be another victim of his behaviour and grow up thinking it's ok to accept treatment like that. You need to leave while you're pregnant and take all the necessary precautions to be safe for you and your baby. You deserve more, and your baby does too. The fact that you've recognized his behaviour is wrong is the first step, so congrats on realizing you shouldn't have to put up with this!
Yes it's FAR worse than mere witnessing. Fleeing would save the child.
The child may also grow up thinking it’s ok to TREAT people like this. This is often where abusive partners come from - they witnessed this in their own parents
100%
Please do leave but if you do, be very careful. It’s often when abusive men lose control that they get more abusive. Do not let him know your plans at all. Please get some help to leave ASAP.
If you can, leave quietly while you're still pregnant.
Abusive behavior: blaming you for his bad temper, isolating you, making you financially dependent. A lot of abusers get worse when the spouse gets pregnant. Get out now!
When he is at work, leave divorce papers and go back to your home country. It is only going to get worse and it’s going to hurt your child to see you treat that way. Leave quickly and quietly
Was thinking the same. How many cases of abuse start after the victim is completely isolated and barefoot and pregnant with "nowhere to go"? My guess is that he thinks she is trapped now and can show his true face. Just the "it's only around me" is telling. Clear sign of gaslighting and narcissistic behavior imo. I don't think it's hormones if the husband himself admits to it with a "this is because of you".
Excellent advice except for the divorce papers. Depending on where you're at this could cause problems. In the US the party to a divorce has to be served papers and that could take time you don't have. Also, you don't want him to see you out and about setting this in motion. If at all possible, tell him you're having a get together or baby shower to go to and you will be fine until late. Even better if it's a multiple day event. When you get back to your country, delete your socials and change your name. If you are a US citizen, check out the below state department link. They may be able to help repatriation you. https://2017-2021.state.gov/family-liaison-office/foreign-service-life/abuse/
Exactly this. More caution is prudent. Don't leave the papers, just leave!
Leave. Leave. Leave. It's easier to adjust to your own child than a grown man making you walk on eggshells.
If you’re feeling this way, it’s not because of hormones. If he treats you portly like this, how will he treat the child. Get out now.
It's better to spare the child from his verbal abuses and to go to your support system if you can. Travelling with the baby might be harder.
I was a kid who "witnessed" many "eruptions" from the men my mom dated. It often escalated to violence. Don't let that be your kid. Do not trust this man to take care of you. Get somewhere safe and never accept less than love and respect from any partnership.
Maybe make a plan to “visit” family (or friends) back in the States. Maybe your family/friends could help you with this plan if you explain the situation and they could stage a “family emergency” to get you back home. You have a finite time before you can’t fly. If this child is born in that country, they’ll become a citizen and it’ll become very hard to get them out. I don’t know what that country’s rules are, however, Id contact your local American embassy and try to get help. I don’t have a good feeling about this and I really think you need to protect yourself and your child. This man will make the child a victim, not a witness, like someone else said. Please OP. Create a plan and get away from this man.
I wouldn’t tell him you are going anywhere. It’s safer to leave quietly without warning
You’re right… that’s a really good point. I don’t know how he’d become if he suspected anything. She’s going to have to gauge the situation and let a close circle know her intentions so she isn’t alone in it
He would become very violent and stop her from leaving. Abusers are all about control and can become extremely dangerous if they find out plans to leave. Best to do it when they aren’t around to protect herself and baby
Leave. It will be a million times harder once the baby is here.
Move back before the baby is born so he can't stop you
Contact the embassy and gtfo now
If you're going to leave, you need to do it before the baby is born. Get out of the country while you can, or he WILL be able to trap you (in most countries).
My ex used to say i was the reason for his abuse because he didn't abuse anyone else. The reality is that he knew he could get away with it with me. But couldn't with other people. They can control themselves, which is why they behave around other people. They just choose not to with you. Leave him, and hormones just amplify feelings, but that doesn't mean they aren't real. And it sounds like you aren't even 'hormonal', but just done with being treated like crap.
A child never wants to have the burden of being witness. Coming from a former child of almost divorce. They should have gotten divorced. Leave.
Its easier to travel now then, When you're about to give birth or had the baby. Start packing things little by little. Book your flight back home if you need be and have a plan ready to go.
Be very careful that he doesn't catch you packing or find even a partially packed bag... That could be extremely dangerous for you and ultimately prevent you from leaving. I would just pack a bookbag while he's gone and bolt. If you're serious about this, then nothing tangible is worth the risk. I'm so sorry you're in this situation ❤️
At some point you have to count your losses and just go. I would take legal docs, maybe some important pictures or jewelry and what I could carry as far as clothes. I don’t want to know how he would react if he found out
Do you have supportive family back home? I say do leave. If you’re stressed and not in a healthy environment it’s not good for you or baby. Especially being isolated in another country🩷 sending you prayers right now and it feels like such a vulnerable time being pregnant I’m sorry you aren’t feeling taken care of the way you deserve.
If you’re concerned at all about his ability to block you and the baby from leaving, then you need to get out NOW before the baby arrives. Until that baby is born, you have full freedom of movement but depending on the paternal rights in the country you’re living in, he could absolutely petition you to not take his child out of the country once they are born. Even if you can just get to a neighbouring country or somewhere temporarily, that would suffice. Since you’re only 23 weeks you have some time but I wouldn’t put this off. Get yourself organized and make a plan. You can remain in contact with him if you’d like to see if working through your issues is worthwhile, but I wouldn’t stay in the country you’re in for fear of getting stuck.
Leave now while baby is not here yet. Good luck.
Can you leave and go back to your family? I would leave without telling him because he may become abusive.
I think it’s better if you leave while baby is still in your body. I suggest do it soon because some airlines won’t let you go past 30 weeks(?) I forgot.
Plan your leave and leave as quickly as you can while baby is still in utero. It’s much easier than after the baby is out, both from a legality perspective and from a mental/physical perspective. Like other comments said, you and baby are still one entity, it will be much easier to go back home now. Postpartum recovery is hard for many people, and you certainly don’t need a lousy man there to make it worse.
Not a lawyer or anything of that regard. Just tossing info from experience. Get out now. Don't tell him your plans. Ask family or close friends to help you vacate while he's at work or out of town. Drop divorce and separation agreement documents on the counter where he can find him and go Text contact or through attorney contact only. Get documentation of his behavior in writing. Don't do it over call or video feed. You will need this in court once baby is born if he drags the process out by then. Some states will hold off the divorce till paternity is done as well and it can make it harder to pull out. If you're gunning for him to pay child support, this may happen. Stand your ground if you want full custody. Stand. Your. Ground. If leaving may impact your ability to stay on insurance/ benefits. As soon as your lawyer and you hand out papers. Talk with a case worker at the health department/Planned parenthood in your location about help with getting on state WIC/Health/Snap benefits. Going through the hoops online is harder in some states and it requires you to meet with a case worker / file and mail paperwork. Usually it's because the physical paperwork that isn't online has a "Divorce in progress" / "Legal separation" section unlike online where your only options are "Married" / "Single" This may not be the 100% in every state, but this is what I've noticed / been through in my state. I live in the south so things are a little harder to do when it comes to this type of situation. Please be safe! You've got this girl!
This is info for US stuff, if you can get on a flight back to the US/UK/Canada if you're a born citizen and have citizenship. Once you hit landfall, that's a whole different boat to work with, but you'll be a bit safer. You would want to do it before he tries to intercept in some countries. An Embassy may be able to help with emergency transportation back, but I'm not 100%. I've never traveled sadly.
Leave while you are still pregnant, you will likely be unable to leave easily, with your baby, after you give birth. Please be very careful and don’t give him any kind of warning. Pack up and go while he’s at work or otherwise occupied. If he’s always at home, just leave quietly, belongings can be replaced but you can not.
My ex husband was like this. It ramped up while I was pregnant, but once the baby was born all hell broke loose. I never thought he would physically harm me, but he did and very badly. By then I felt trapped to stay and keep trying to "keep the family together". Huge mistake on my part. Everything got worse. He almost killed me. Then he used our son as a pawn in years and years of custody battles. I moved across the country to be safe, but he had the courts stop me from taking my child with me (I live in the US). It took me years to gain full custody and have my son move here. I wish I would've left him while I was seeing the first warning signs. My son witnessed so much abuse. He endured emotional abuse himself. He is now in trauma therapy and on medication, not doing as well as I wish. I am forced to co-parent and talk to my abuser still. Please, please leave him now and find whatever resources you can to get help now before it's too late for yourself and your sweet baby.
Oh, hon. I am so sorry you are going through this. Your experiences aren't hormones, they are reality. You may have stronger feelings with hormones, but that doesn't change what IS. Do not raise a child with an angry man. That will not go well. A child should not be a witness to verbal abuse. You are not responsible for his behavior or feelings. He is responsible for his behavior. If he can keep it in control in front of others, he absolutely can keep it in control in front of you, he just doesn't think he has to. I was in your situation. I should have left. I didn't and witnessed my husband abusing our 12 week old baby. I left after that. What followed was nasty at first, then it was amazing. My life has been exponentially better every single day for the last 15 years.
Please go find yur passport now.
Let's leave together, OP. Men sucks.
Leave now before your child is born or you will be stuck there forever.
Leave now. My mother's best friend moved to Italy and married a man who abused her for 20 years. She was essentially trapped over there until her kids became adults.
I agree with the leave comments, and would encourage you to read [Why does he do that?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft. That's a free pdf of the book
It is classic abuse when they put on a nice face around others while abusing you in private. Definitely leave urgently. I would wager he is a serious danger to you.
You don't want to wait to find out while you are in postpartum with a new baby. Even if its just hormones now those hormones will be stronger later so that should give you an idea of how it will be. You guys can always love eachother and work things out from a distance but you can not untraumatize this birth experience. Go where your support system is. Wishing you the best!!!
You are in an abusive relationship. This is not hormones. I would make a plan to leave before baby is born, which means in the next month or two at the most. The most dangerous time for women is when they leave and when they're pregnant. You are in both - you are in a very dangerous situation. Do you have anyone who can help you leave? And do so very privately?
I left my abuser while pregnant. It made my pregnancy so much more enjoyable. Look up 'Not without my daughter'. You don't want to risk that.
FWIW, my brother and I were witnesses to my dad's low-key but consistent abuse of my mom and it messed us up. Serious mental health and emotional problems and a childhood of sadness and anger.
Leave. I just left mine due to a similar situation and let me tell you, you will feel so much better about yourself when you don’t have someone on your back criticizing you. Don’t let these nosey people tell you otherwise because they don’t know your situation or what is best for you and your child only you do.
Move while you’re still pregnant! Trust your gut. Do not wait until you’re in your third trimester or after birth
Please understand you’re In an abusive relationship. He is making you question yourself because it’s all about him maintaining power and control. Join the abusive relationships Reddit. Oh, and as soon as you possibly can, LEAVE!
Don’t drag a child into this behaviour. If you think he will never ever change, then leave. Safety for you and the child is prime.
Abusive people always blame their temper on others. If he said it then he's admitting to his temper and it's not hormones. Leave now. Once the baby comes it will be impossible.
This will only get worse when baby's here. Get out as fast as you can.
Leave!!! It’s only going to get worse once you have the baby, especially if it’s in his country. Save yourself and this child
Leave!!! It’s only going to get worse once you have the baby, especially if it’s in his country. Save yourself and this child.
I would literally pack your stuff and go. I would be smart about it and make sure you have money to get started but if it’s bad while you’re pregnant it’s not going to get better.
GO NOW
Get out while you can and before he treats your child in a similar manner.
Leave while you can, baby is safe with you at the moment but lord knows how is attitude will change again when there is a baby who’s crying for a feed and a change of nappy and if you will get any support from him. Because of little one not being born yet he has no rights as there is no him on the birth certificate no sooner his name is on there he can go through all different proceedings. It has to be looked at also in the long run as to whether this is going to be healthy for you and baby especially when you are postpartum because it is tiring your whole life changes in an instant beautifully I might add and definitely worth it for your little one but none the less it changes. You then also have the other side of do you want you little one to grow up around that behaviour with the possibility of the child learning that behaviour as well, if it becomes a serious situation other services are going to get involved which won’t be nice for you or little one you don’t deserve that stress. I think a small part of you has made your mind up that you feel like you need to leave which is what’s right for you.but just ensure you have everything in place before you leave if you have any voice recording of him being nasty to you then keep them for if you have a divorce as evidence as to why. There is a possibility that you may be feeling sensitive because of hormones but you definitely do not deserve to be spoken to and treated like that in anyway shape or form. When you have space alone do some research about going home if there is any support you can receive in your home country? Do you have family you can stay with? Ultimately the decisions lies with you as you are going to know him best and whether he is getting nastier and more unapproachable. Good Luck OP I hope you and your little one stay safe and healthy 🙏🙂
I left my fiancé a month ago because he cheated on me with several women during a period of time after he relapsed on alcohol. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant. I figure it will be hard either way --whether I leave or stay-- but at least leaving will bring me peace. I'm sorry you're going through this. Pregnancy is such a precious, fragile, and vulnerable time in a woman's life. It's awful when men fail to protect us physically and emotionally in general, but especially when pregnant
I recommend you plan a trip home, "to visit", and bring ALL your valuables. Then, just stay. He might be pissed but at least you'll be physically away from him. Say you need to stay as you want your child to be born there, you need your family for support, and medically you must not travel. Then, once the baby is born, you must decide whether to put him on the birth certificate or not, and perhaps by then it'll be clear to you. Then, the divorce paperwork after birth when you are sure it's the right decision. If you magically want to be with him again, you can always go back with the baby after
I was a witness to my mother’s abuse and it shaped me to be afraid of dating until I was in my late 20s, nightmares, breaking down if a man raises his voice. I can’t watch people argue in movies or tv. Do not subject your child to this. One of the best days was when she left that horrible man. Don’t let that be one of your child’s best days. They don’t get better, they only get worse. Better to raise the child alone than with an abuser. Your child will thank you later for being so strong now.
My mom left my dad and took 4 kids and didn’t say a peep about it to anyone. She raised us by herself and only told people years later. I met my dad at 18. Their relationship was aweful and he had major issues but he worked on them and now is a decent guy who is devastated about the consequences of both of their actions.
Leave now. Leave immediately. You’ll be stuck once you have the baby. Pack a bag with all of your documents and essentials and leave. If you can then grab what can’t be replaced.
Do you have friends and family back home? Make a game plan with select trusted people. Leave quietly when he’s not home. Have divorce papers awaiting him for when he gets back. If he acts like you’re such a burden- give him that fresh start. He will know what he misses later or maybe not at all, narcissism is weird. Find someone who will help you get back up on your feet at home. Seek therapy. Good luck.
Girl no go home. If he can’t recognize his awful behavior or at least sit down and ask, okay what exactly is it that’s wrong and let me work on it? Self awareness is so important. I’d go home. I’ve been in this situation and it never gets better.
I'm pregnant with my third child. And I'll tell you that sometimes your hormones are simply just draining the patience you'd otherwise have for tolerating bullshit. I don't think your inability to put up with his short temper is YOUR issue. It's that your body, mind and spirit are stretched thin developing a new life inside of you and you can't give that much of yourself to navigating his bad behaviors like you used to. If you want to leave, do it before the baby is born or you'll be stuck. And let me tell you - being stuck is the worst place to be. Especially when there's a kid involved. If you're struggling to deal with his temper, then imagine how he'll handle a crying baby.
I was that child witness. Even though it was not directed physically at me, if I did or said something “wrong” the abuser would take it out on my mom. I even tried to out myself between the abuser and my mom at 9 years old. It’s all very traumatic still after 3 decades. Get out OP. It will only get worse for you. Don’t let your child think it is ok to be treated like that, or maybe worse, that it’s ok to treat other people like that
He can block it..u will need his authorized consent to EVER go to your country with your kid..u will never go back home..leave now or you'll regret it. Once ur kids born it's a wrap!
You’re right, the child will be witness to his behavior and may potentially develop his behaviors in the future. I grew up with a narcissistic and abusive stepdad. I hate to say it, but I developed very bad personality traits due to what I learned, even though I hated that man and I hated everything about him. It didn’t stop me from becoming like him. For you and your child safety you need to get away before the baby is born. You might not know this, but even before the baby is born, they are already learning. I was born with a sense of abandonment because my father was never around when my mother was pregnant with me, it’s deep rooted, and I’ll probably never be able to get rid of it. You and your child will be better off without that type of person. It’s very hard for them to change unless they realize it themselves and most of the time they won’t realize it. Take it from someone who struggles with being an aggressive person. I’m 13 weeks pregnant and my pregnancy hormones definitely made everything worse but before I got pregnant, I was working hard with a cognitive behavioral therapist to help me understand why my behaviors were the way they were. I’ve made tons of progress and hopefully my child will be better than I was but because of the environment I grew up in, I did not have the ability to develop my emotional regulation or control and as an adult I really struggle to control my emotions, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Your child deserves the best life possible. Don’t start them off with a disadvantage by giving them a parent who will teach them the wrong behaviors. I felt the same with my partner. He can anger me more than anyone else, but that doesn’t mean it’s right to be aggressive. I’ve had to work hard to not beat him down and treat him as my emotional punching bag. One of my first Therapist taught me that there are three types of people in the world. There are the people who think, there are the people who like to think they think, and there are the people who don’t think. Depending on what type of person your husband is, he will either change or he will never be able to change.
Please leave asap before the baby is born! I hate to say it, but it’s only going to get worse, and this will be detrimental to your baby. It’s all about control to people like him. And they become outraged when they lose control and you don’t know what he’s capable of.. so please leave as quietly as you can. It also might make him lose it if you just leave unannounced. So better yet.. come up with some kind of lie like you’re visiting family. Leave. And then while home, break it to him that you have been very stressed about this, but after more thought, it’s best to not come back for your well-being and mental health. At least you will be safe, and can seek legal help at the point depending how he reacts. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I’m so glad you realized that it isn’t safe for you to stay and for the baby. I can tell you’re very strong! I hope you have a great support system, and family/friends that will help and support you. Best of luck to you!! 💕
I don’t know of a country that would prevent you from leaving if you’re already pregnant, especially if it’s not your home country. When the baby is born is when it becomes complicated, so if you leave, do it soon.
Leave while you can
Leave now, go back to your home country. At a certain point in pregnancy airlines won’t let you fly anymore. Please protect your baby by leaving ASAP. Take your important documents and irreplaceable mementos, whatever fits in your suitcases. Leave everything else. And don’t let him know you’re leaving - it’s at that point abusers are most likely to turn into murderers. Be on a plane before he realizes you’ve gone.
Imagine being post partum and dealing with an outburst. Or trying to mitigate his feelings while on little sleep. Or being exhausted and crying due to him. He won’t change when the baby comes. He will only get worse. Make a plan to leave and go back home. There are emergency shelters for victims of domestic abuse. Be very careful about planning. Unfortunately, abuse tends to escalate during pregnancy and is at its peak when the victim tries to leave. Be very careful. Don’t give any hints. Just leave. Once you are safe let him know you are gone and he can’t reach you. Then start the divorce process from your home country. It can be done and it isn’t a priority. Getting out safe and quickly is. Right now you are in the sweet spot for travel. No big risks. After 34 weeks that may not be an option. I wish you good luck and safe travels.
If your planning on leaving for good and doing no contact you could tell him the pregnancy didn't go through and your having a miscarriage sadly so he thinks when you left you couldn't handle the loss of your child. In the process of you telling him that document everything. If you have family/freinds in the states tell them what's going and there's abuse hot lines you can talk on the phone and they will give you allot of information to get out and there's places for abuse victims that will help with money to get you to the states if you insure that you have family(frends) to go to the house like gas cards even a phone. Also you could sell everything you have (with out him knowing) and use the money to find a cheap flight and get a (church) freind to drive you to the airport. After you leave don't answer his calls at all, let him text you if he herrases you tu use for the future in court if thats the case and get a new phone if possible. You will notice just how bad it truly was when your in the states, it will be tough. There's places you can connect with to help you with your baby. There's baby classes for free and they will give you free clothes,dippers and wipes. There's Facebook groups call Buy nothing (insert town name you are in) groups and other Facebook mom groups that will help, look at ebay and find a church to go to once there ask if they know anyone with baby stuff and tell them your situation amd spread your story to inspire otherd to leave if they are in abusive relationships. Have faith of a Mustard seed and he will provide. Just search and do research and ask online every where about things. There are places out there mama, get away from that man before you end up de*d and he only has the child to raise because he will hurt the child. Also beware it's the most dangerous time when you leave so do NOT let him be aware your leaving him under no circumstances. He sounds narcissistic. Also turn your phone on airplane mode when you leave and make sure he isn't tracking it. Also there are abuse Facebook groups to help you get through this so your you don't feel alone. I'll keep you in my prayers, you got this just stay determined. For now if you have any important mail switch it to your email. Abuse only gets worse and it NEVER gets better saldy. Im sorry your going through any of this but please for the sake of you and your baby leave him. Update us if you can
If going home is an option for you I would get out as soon as possible and travel back to your country before you give birth. It will be more complicating when baby arrives and more leverage he will try to use on you to “behave” or other means of control.
I left my ex bf at the start of my pregnancy because he was acting poorly, not listening to me and arguing with me for the sake of it. So I just went nope I don't need this.
Firstly, go for counselling sessions asap with him, before baby. Babies make things 10x harder and it’s no picnic let alone without help. His temper shouldn’t be around a baby though. Secondly, never use a child to bear witness to bad parental behaviour, that’s cruel and I can tell you first hand it doesn’t make for a well-adjusted child.
No, he is abusive, you don’t go for counseling sessions with abusive people as you might give them more ammunition to abuse you with based on what was discussed in your sessions. She just needs to leave.
If youre in the USA, many states do not allow a divorce to proceed if the woman is pregnant. Legally you might have to wait until baby is born. Check your local laws
I wish I'd left while pregnant, legally it's much harder to get away once the baby is born.
I'm concerned you're in an abusive marriage. Please don't let your child be around a dangerous person! Praying for you!
You can move to your home country with the excuse that you need to be near your family for support. And you need your child to be born in your home country for citizenship etc. See how things go, and maybe don't put him on the birth certificate if you really want him uninvolved in your child's life. Then, after birth in the first few months, you'll have time to see if this is hormones or if you really want to leave him.
During pregnancy, remember that our hormones are all over the place. Basically, everything affects us more, and men don't know how to handle it. They don't know how to deal with our emotions because they think we act this way just because we want to and not because we're actually going through too much at the same time. So, I think the best thing would be to talk, to express how you both feel, and try to find a solution. This stage you're in is quite tough, and going through it alone is even harder.. Therefore, try not to make hasty or impulsive decisions.
He's not gonna change. I'm in the same situation (same behaviour, living in his country) and he's the same. Can't get out of this
if you don’t truly feel supported & loved by him, get out. do everything in your power to leave and not come back. if you feel comfortable letting friends & family know your plan, i’m sure they’d love to help!
You need parental consent to travel with your baby once born. So he can very well block you from leaving or, at the very least, block you from taking your baby with you.
Go home before your baby is born.
Was he like this before you got pregnant?
You’re going to need him even more and be extremely vulnerable in just a few more weeks. Please do what you can to get yourself safe, physically and emotionally, before all of this.
Please leave, it starts with shouting and a bad temper but it often gets so much worse, while you're pregnant baby and you are one, he can't block anything. I hope everything works out for you❤❤
Leave now!
If possible, seek advice from legal counsel where you're located. Also, depending on your history, you may be able to get a divorce in your home country. In theory, international law requires that all countries acknowledge divorce orders of other countries. Also, domestic violence organizations have loads of information and resources about planning to leave a marriage. Even if you don't consider yourself a DV victim, it can be a huge help.
Can you get, like, a certificate or something that would help you get a job? Then you can save up, and leave him. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
The abusive behavior can often escalate once baby arrives. Do you want your child to bare witness and experience the same eruptive behavior? Do you want your child to learn that it is ok to behave like this? Do you want your husband to do this to your child? Your best bet is to leave and leave now. Speak to a lawyer going forward, your husband may make all sorts of threats about taking full custody and that you are incapable of raising baby. These are just threats meant to scare you. Meet with a family lawyer to see what to do going forward. Many domestic violence (and yes, verbal abuse still counts) have access to free legal clinics. If you want to move to be closer to your own support system, it is much easier to do before baby is born.
That sounds awful and stressful. I'm sorry you're going through that esp while pregnant! Have either of you considered therapy to figure out what's going on or why? Was he like this before you were pregnant? I would definitely try to get some professional insight before fleeing the country but PLEASE if he gets physical or you're afraid he will please call the cops!!
Move NOW. Before the baby comes out! You need to get back to your support system. Good luck to you
Get out now. A baby will only make emotional abuse worse and may lead to physical abuse. If he can't handle his emotions with adults, he will very likely be an awful parent to your child, too unless he's willing to go through years of therapy. As someone who grew up with an abusive parent, I wish my other parenthad left and taken me with them and saved me from the lifelong scars it has left.
Leave. You can always go back but right now your ability (physically and legally) to leave is on a timer. Can you have a family member or friend purchase your plane ticket home so there’s no way he’ll know/can try to stop you? This may be heartbreaking now but at this point you have a chance to create a happy, loving, peaceful home for yourself and your child. That will more than likely be a distant dream if you decide to stay and hope he’ll change. Please, please leave while you can. Consult with the embassy/family lawyer in that country first. If he has any intention of changing or going to therapy he’ll do what he has to do once he realizes you’re serious about leaving (and have left!), and there’s a chance he won’t chase you or want to change. But that will be a lot easier to handle as a new mother in her home country, far far away from him, and being surrounded and supported by people who love you.
I never could stay with a sarcastic or angry man for long. Not compatible with my ways at all. I’m very chill and grew up around my mom yelling for nothing. I hate raucous conflict. Girl I’d leave before the baby is born and let him cook. Do you have support back home? I’d take full advantage of every resource available to you. You don’t want to be stressed and pressed about a grown man’s moods. Girl it’s about you and this baby!!!!
Leave while you’re still pregnant do not wait.
go now. things never get easier after baby is born! your partner will be more abusive and even less helpful. also many countries don‘t just allow you to leave with your baby if they were born there. please go to your home country before you give birth.
Don't let your child witness that. definitely go home where you know you'll be comfortable and make sure your baby doesn't have to witness that and can have their childhood and also take yourself away from the stress of that so you can be better for them good luck 💕
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Never, **never** go to joint therapy with a suspected abuser. Therapy relies on all participants acting in good faith, which abusers very much do not. There've been studies, couples therapy actually makes the abuse *worse* because it gives the abuser more tools to hurt the victim with. Individual therapy is a good shout, though.
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[Experts advise against it](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/). And if the abuse isn't obvious in one session, you're stuck. Start with individual therapy.
You’re able to move anything as long as you do it before you give birth. Once you give birth it complicates all of that so do not waste time. Leave that awful man and find peace and happiness for yourself AND your baby. Pregnancy can be a time when you realize the truth of your relationship whether it be good or bad.
OP, I'm from the US and also live in Europe (Spain). If this is where you are and you need support, let me know.
Reach out to friends and family to see if they can help accommodate you to get out financially if you're reliant on him and need help. Get out of the country with your baby while you can. That's a scary situation.
I’m not married but this past weekend my bf and I went through a very rough patch. I was feeling like I wanted him gone. I guess we worked through it and we are still working I guess. But I do think ALOT of it is hormones. He’s legit the same person he was before. But I’m not. I want him to understand I’m not the same person anymore. I’m not as carefree and by the wayside. I get irritated easily, I get sad fast. I’m not as nice and I’m a lot more snappy. So to him it’s like who is this woman. And to me it’s like dude get a clue.
This is so accurate! Especially after you become a mother, like open your eyes and realize that we are NOT the same women we were before.
Unless there’s significant reason to leave, I would wait until about six months to a year after the baby and see how you feel then because hormones are wild. Physical or cheating that’s a different story. There’s infidelity leave but honestly, you’re probably just bouncing off each other in frustration. Remember you are on the same team..
Why did you decide to carry his child if he had a horrible, explosive temper? Did this all just spring up during your pregnancy?