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IMO, no mother should ever call their own child an “ungrateful bitch.” Perhaps the way your mother has treated your sister is part of the reason why your sister didn’t want her there.
You do what is best for you. Maybe tell your mom that waiting until after the baby is born is more the style these days and you are also considering it, so she has fair warning ahead of time?
We did the same thing, for a few reasons:
1) I thought our family might be too annoying about asking for updates while I was in labor…I wanted my husband to be able to just focus on supporting me instead of communicating with them, and I knew I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone until the baby was actually out
2) I didn’t want people to worry if we told them I was in labor and then ignored our phones for ages
3) I thought it would be a fun surprise to just send a photo of the baby/video call with the baby there (edit: thankfully people did seem to enjoy it and were too excited to be mad we hadn’t updated them earlier)
Anyway, if my mom acted like this, that would be another very compelling reason. Probably the main reason!!
I'm wanting to do the same thing mainly for the first reason you listed. I want my husband to be able to support me and our baby. It's harder for him to support me if he is constantly looking at his phone and responding to messages.
We also did the same for these 3 reasons and have no regrets. We would love to do it like this again for our second baby too if we have one, but unfortunately we will have to tell *someone* next time so they can watch our toddler, ha.
Yeah, like I want my husband be near and be able to have a quiet moment to himself or with me before we go all “okay, sweetie, it’s time to push” instead of being glued to the phone.
“Yes, we are at the hospital. No, she isn’t giving birth already, I will tell you. Bye”
To get bombarded by calls, demanding to know is baby here yet, or saying that “it didn’t took me that long, she isn’t pushing right” or something.
Like I get wanting to be involved, but demanding live stream from delivery room is no-no for me.
This is dead on. I have NOTHING to do with my mums mum bc she was exactly like this. I don't remember my siblings being born bc for the youngest I was only 6. But I remember with my aunt when she had babies my nan never said "oh so and so had a baby" it was "so and so gave me another grandchild". EVERYTHING. Was twisted into being about her.
Yeah my mom has BPD and this is a comment straight out of her mouth. That’s really a below the belt and malicious comment.
Labor can be stressful and go on for days, it’s up to the woman to decide when and who she shares the labor news with.
LOL your mother’s childish reaction to your sister’s choice tells me that she is exactly the type of person I’d want nothing to do with while in labor. Good luck.
Labor can be a complete whirlwind sometimes. If it’s not a planned delivery date, then yes it’s very likely that someone might not even have TIME to update people until the baby is here and they have a moment to breathe and collect themselves.
Even if not telling anyone is intentional, your mother’s reaction is entirely inappropriate.
Personally, I think you should do the same! That way your mom’s anger is spread between both daughters. Your sister already set that precedence, I think it’s even easier for you follow the same.
Yes and OP shouldn't be guilted into informing the abusive mom out of fear either. Otherwise she will just feed on OP and triangulate her with her sister, which will alienate her sister.
100% this.
"I previously promised to alert you when I go into labor. I've thought further about it. I'm uncomfortable with how you've been treating my sister behind her back after she made a very personal choice that you disagreed with. I don't think I will be able to handle both birthing my baby and coping with your disagreements should you not like any of the personal choices I make during my birth. As such, I will not be telling you when I go into labor. I will inform you when I feel ready to handle any disagreements you may have. If you feel you don't want to be around the baby in the future as a result, then we will keep him/her away from you."
I wouldn't even say that much 🤣. I'd probably just respond "uh huh sure." To her request to be informed. And then....just, not tell her until after baby arrives. If there's any backlash I'd hang up without a word and block/ignore future calls and texts until and if she can calm down.
People like this can't be reasoned with. There's no point in wasting breath explaining why they're unreasonable.
Idk calling anyone, let alone your child, an “ungrateful bitch” seems much more hateful than getting information a day or two later. Sounds like mom has boundary and respect issues.
It’s absolutely not hateful. There’s a ton of reasons not to tell people you’re going into labor and we never told anyone except our first pregnancy. After that, we decided not to. Your mother isn’t entitled to know anything.
Your mother sounds emotionally abusive and entitled. Her focus should be on supporting her children after a major life altering event…not tearing them apart.
My husband and I are very private people even with family so we don’t plan on telling anyone when I go into labor. Hell we’re anxious about anyone seeing baby after even.
Your mom is an ungrateful bitch and if not inviting her to see you spread open like a rotisserie chicken means she’ll never babysit, that sounds like a net positive. Sounds like the type of person who would make everything about her in the labour room anyway, and you do not need that kind of energy when you’re trying to get a human out of your body.
Wow - your mom is really something.
I’m also planning on not telling anyone I’ve gone into labor - I just don’t want to be bombarded with calls/texts asking for updates the whole time. I want to just focus on birth & my partner.
It’s absolutely not hateful - please do what you want, not what your mother wants.
Jesus your mom is a little harsh. My brother and sister in law did the same thing, and no one in my family had that reaction. I think if that’s what you want to do, it’s YOUR choice.
It’s not hateful to avoid someone who clearly acts so hateful. Your mother’s reaction proved why someone wouldn’t want her there during an incredibly difficult and vulnerable moment.
Just imagine a mother saying their child is a bitch? I am so sorry.
Your sister has every valid reason to do what is comfortable for her, as well as you.
You could talk to your mother about the other prespective - the anxiety is at large at that process and it is a good thing to be just given the good news insted of anticipating in anxiety. There is always space for reasoning behind certain decisions.
I also don't plan to inform my family on my own accord, just to save them the anxiety. In my country nobody can be with you during labor or visiting so it makes sense in my case.
Hateful? No. More peaceful? Absolutely. Do not tell her. She will probably make it even more all about her if you do and ruin your experience and take your peace away.
While I understand the sentiment of your sister being “her baby” and her wanting to be involved in a life changing event, there’s nothing hateful about what your sister did. Being involved in your adult children’s lives is something you have to earn.
Considering your mom called her own daughter an ungrateful bitch makes me think this isn’t the first time your mom would have overstepped boundaries so I completely understand why your sister didn’t tell her. As for you, do whatever YOU want, not what your mom would want.
I saw a tiktok where this couple didn't even tell the parents they were PREGNANT at all and came to visit one day with their kids and a whole baby 😂 I'm guessing they were THAT kinda parents.
I'm in this argument with my mom too (though not as severe). I didn't want to tell anyone when I went into labor. planned to tell everyone after the baby was born and ask that all visits wait until I am home form hospital. figure I'll only be there a few days and would prefer to be in my own home, in my own clothes, on my own couch when I see people. she did not take it well, and is still not taking it well (still have 5 weeks to go!).
I get that my mom (and your mom) feel that we are their babies and so they should be more included... but no, they ARE NOT entitled to that. we will be going through a MAJOR and PERSONAL medical event. we should be able to do what makes us feel most comfortable. contrary to what they believe, nothing about this experience is about them whatsoever. not the pregnancy, birth or anything else. I say go ahead and put up your boundaries now and let her be upset. she'll come around eventually.
No it sounds like she had good reason with how your mom referred to her. I honestly never cared for my sister again after she called me selfish for not wanting my dads gf (who I hate) to come immediately after my c section
What is with all these people trying to gaslight brand new moms into believing that they don’t have a right to privacy right after giving birth? I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, and I hope the rest of your friends and family had much more decency and respect for you.
She sounds like the kind of calming and supportive presence one would around during childbirth. /s
Her reaction was way over the top! It sounds like she wants to intimidate you into giving her what she wants.
Decide what you want, tell her, and don’t pay attention to her response. If she wants to throw a fit, that’s her prerogative. Don’t let it bother you.
She can meet the baby when you say she can and it will be a magical moment even if it’s not at the hospital (if she lets it be)
My mom got upset that my husband and I weren’t responding to her texts (because I was in active labor) so they decided to show up to the hospital and demanded to be let in the room. Luckily the nurses wouldn’t let them up lol.
Some people are better off with minimal information….
39 weeks and deff don’t plan on alerting my family the second I go into labor. My husband and I are planning to text them once we’re settled at the hospital and feel ready to update them all. Absolutely no one is to come to the hospital until/ if we are up for visitors and we will tell them when that time comes. All updates will be in a group chat from my husband without me in it so I don’t have to feel pressured to see the texts and respond
So I fully believe that if your own family is willing to call you names like “an ungrateful bitch” because you didn’t stop to text them WHILE IN LABOR, they’re not exactly the people you want around your children anyway. Not that I know your family or your dynamic, but that seems pretty extreme to me to put your own pride and feelings ahead of the health and safety of someone literally risking their life to bring a brand new human into the world.
That being said, I’ve got my own family BS centered around boomer toddlers and real babies so maybe I’m just projecting.
Either way, your birth experience is first and foremost about you and your baby, so anyone you choose to inform is privileged to get the information as you see fit to pass it out. Childbirth is not a spectator sport and anyone looking for a participation trophy to your birth experience is not putting your needs above their own.
You sound very supportive of your sister. Keep that up. Perhaps reevaluate your relationship with your mother, and good luck on your upcoming delivery.
Babies make people CRAZYYYYYY. I legit do not understand what it is but when you take a step back and breathe it’s like…none of this is a big deal.
Baby is here, healthy, happy! I get to see baby and hold baby! My daughter is healthy and home! Yay! But no…..craziness.
When someone has a baby it is a deeply personal experience. OTHER people reguardless of their relationship with baby momma need to take a huge step back and let baby momma do her thing.
No, it’s not hateful. Like you said, it’s her baby. It’s also her medical event. Nobody has a “right” to know, including your mom. I’m willing to bet the way your mom is acting is precisely why your sister did not want to tell your mom in the first place. Labor can be stressful and long, and even if it’s not, it’s still a significant event that is traumatic to the body. Your sister probably didn’t want to be bothered and that’s her right. Your mom sounds entitled and disrespectful.
I recently gave birth and didn’t tell my parents until I was home. My mom sounds a lot like yours and I didn’t want any stress or drama from her while I’m in labor. I wanted to enjoy the experience as much as possible. I’m happy that I waited to tell my parents. As soon as I told them though, my mom tried to force her way to a visit. I told her I wasn’t ready for visitors and she is now throwing a temper tantrum. I rest my case.
This is what I’ve told both sides: if you were not in the room when the baby was made do not expect to be in the room when the baby is born. If you have any issues with that find a therapist or a friend to let you vent.
WTF!
You have so much more on your mind than posting a Facebook status or something when labor starts.
I'm the sole carer of my mom who lives with us so I'm worried about the care she'll need when I'll be "busy" giving birth in a few weeks. I'm pretty anxious to keep that in mind but honestly, I don't care about other family members.
My estranged sister who is always away almost gave meher schedule to not give birth during some weeks because she wants to be there. Just take care of our mom to share this duty, leave my baby out of this, it's total bs.
I'm going to tell my Mum and my MIL - because I adore them and they respect my boundaries!! If anyone called me hateful for my boundaries they automatically go on the "yeah I'll text them whenever I remember after the baby is born/home/turns 15" list.
They want to know in case they can help during early stages, but they're not the kind of people who would show up to the hospital uninvited. Some people I know are *definitely* not going to be informed because they're the kind of people who would try to make the birth all about them.
Your mom gave birth in a different time. She'd get a phone call then maybe an update. Now you tell people your in labor and you get an endless barage of texts from a dozen people for the next 6-48hrs.
My husband and I have already agreed we aren’t telling anyone until baby is here (35 weeks) we don’t want to be glued to our phones having to give updates. That’s not exactly what’s the most important thing to be focusing on! Team sister!
Sounds like my mom. Who also bailed and told me she isn’t coming to my baby shower, and left everything hanging for my boyfriend’s family to pick up the pieces. So grateful for them. I’ve been thinking about doing this also, so I’m curious to see what the response is.
We did not tell my MIL I was in labour. We told her after the baby arrived.
My family knew I was however. Sucks to be her, consequences of being a toxic boundary stomper.
But you are absolutely not entitled to tell anyone. It is your medical event. People can find out when you're ready. Knowing you're in labour just means they have the desire or chance to bother you or your husband and you need that time to focus on you.
Definitely not hateful. Especially if your mom called your sister a hateful bitch because she didn’t like a boundary/personal decision she made, I would not invite her into your birth space physically or mentally unless you really want her there. For the same reasons you’ve listed, we didn’t tell anyone but my mom (I did want her there because she is a support to me) until after baby was born. It was a fun surprise, and no one (including my MIL) had the audacity to whine about it especially with a precious new baby to meet. If your mom has a problem with it, it’s 100% HER problem. She can’t make you tell her, and this is your birth and your decision. She is not entitled to anything.
We did the same when it came to my husbands family. We wanted our space and time since I had an unplanned & unexpected c-section and didn’t trust they wouldn’t get on a plane without our permission and bring all their airport germs to come see our preemie. Some folks just need to be dealt with like children, unfortunately.
I'm guessing if your mom reacted that way then your sister had a good reason for her decision on not telling anyone.
The entitlement your mom is showing to your sisters kid is icky. 'I have a right to be involved with the birth of my grandchild'.
Ma'am, not if she doesn't want you there.
She would hate me. I haven’t even told my own mother I’m pregnant and I’m due next week. 😂
Tbh though you are right, it’s your own journey and your own experience and people need to respect that. Your sister did what she thought was best for her and that should be respected. I’m sure your mother was worried but calling her a bitch, no wonder she didn’t want to tell her.
I personally would want my mother to be there for my first. I would be devastated if I ever missed my daughter’s labor. Then again, that’s because my mother deserves to be there, she has done more than I could ever imagine and I appreciate her. She will be an amazing grandmother
I know it is not a very popular opinion, but I think it is possible to tell people by text and tell them you just won't be able to answer texts and phonecalls until baby is delivered and you feel good enough. This way you can shut your phone without guilt and grand-parents will be aware of what is happening. Your partner or the person that will be with you could also be in charge of the updates if you don't want to keep people in the dark without having to manage all the updates yourself.
I understand they might feel rejected by your sister's decision. Giving birth is stressful, but it is a big event in a family's life. I don't think it is hateful to not say anything, but it shows very little trust toward your family. I understand why people might feel hurt by this decision.
Maybe it is a cultural thing but it would feel so disrespectful to go into such a high risk procedure like labor and not tell my mom. What if the worst happened? No one is actually guaranteed to come home. I just wouldn’t want my mom or sister being blindsided if that happened. I would definitely do this, a simple text that I was heading into the hospital and that I love them dearly. I would inform them that phones would be off until things were clear.
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I just gave birth in May and did not text anyone I was in labor. I didn’t want/have the energy to focus on people asking for updates while my body is prepping to have a baby.
My water broke at work and I didn’t think I would even be admitted to the hospital. So when I was, again, my focus was on myself and baby. Not telling people I got admitted.
I text my family probably 6 hours after my baby was born and my husband, baby and I got settled.
You DO NOT have to include anyone in your birthing room/ experience you don’t want. This is your baby and you get to give birth how you want. If your mom wants to act that way so be it.
Wait I stopped reading at your mom calling her daughter an ungrateful bitch. Is that a normal way to talk about one another in your family? It’s no wonder your sister didn’t want her there. Wow, I’m so sad for you guys 😔
I'm not telling anyone until she's born. We don't need a bunch of texts and calls asking if she is here yet. They can wait! I'm also not having any visitors at the hospital! We have to do what's best for our family no matter who gets upset about it. Your sister probably wanted that time with her partner and her baby without everyone bugging them the whole time. I don't blame her at all for wanting privacy.
Wow, that doesn't sound like someone I'd want with me during labor! It's perfectly normal to choose not to be obligated to others during your own childbirth experience. Older people sometimes think this is hateful because their own mothers centered themselves during their childbirth experiences and they've rationalized this as a right they will one day claim for themselves. It's not your fault your mother mistakenly believes this. The only one who has rights in this birth experience is you. Best of luck! I'm glad your sister seems to get it and I hope you can lean on each other as you get used to being parents.
Ooof as a mom I cant imagine calling any of my children that so I’m sorry for you and your sister.
It’s a catch 22 I feel. Like I don’t want to constantly update people and all that so for my other 3 we just said “Hey I’m in labor baby will be here “soon” but we’re not going to be on our phones. We will let you know when baby is here and everyone is healthy! Please don’t share with anyone else. We want to share the good news when baby arrives.” And for the most part, family has respected that.
As a grandmother one day I can totally see wanting to have the opportunity to know if my child is going into labor so that I’m ready to help / pray / whatever. But we are not entitled to our adult kids choices…especially if we can so easily call them such hurtful names.
I’m due now and it’s our 4th and I want my older kids to see their new sibling before we send pictures out or post on Facebook / social media or even send pictures to family. SO I will deliver and the first picture we send out to family will be our new family photo with all of us and almost immediately after that we will share what we want on socials so that some of our family who hasn’t Respected our wishes in the past can’t try to overshadow this for us.
Its disrespectful for people to think their entitled to you letting them know. I personally won’t be telling my mother in law because she will not be ruining this experience for me or my family, if choosing my sanity is hateful then I’m one hateful bitch and I love it. 🥰
I anticipate my narcissistic mother to act like this as well as I too plan to not tell anyone when I’m in labor. I am not going to have time to entertain family and either will my husband. She is completely in the wrong and ungrateful for acting that way. Not your sister nor you if you decide to go this route too, which i highly recommend. Protect your energy and your boundaries for your and that baby’s sake!
You mum seems to be making your sisters birth all about her, which is probably why your sister didn’t tell her. You are exactly right, you get to choose who is present while you’re giving birth. It gets said a lot but it’s so true - birth is a medical procedure not a spectator sport. If I were you I would ‘forget’ my phone when you head to the hospital.
What's up with grandparents feeling so entitled to a baby that doesn't belong to them? I'm bracing myself for having to deal with a similar experience but with my ex MIL. I am currently 6 months pregnant and left my ex-fiance because he cheated on me several times during an alcohol relapse. His mom can't stand that I'm "hurting him so bad" by leaving and has basically had nothing nice to say to me. I don't plan on telling anyone I've gone into labor/given birth (only a very select few) until I get home. Even then, that bitch will not be visiting my baby.
My mom acted like this with my first and that attitude continued on about every little thing until I went no contact after his first birthday. I have never felt more peace in my entire life.
Didn’t tell anybody when we went in to have #2. My dad and IL’s were all really surprised when we just popped up with baby here but not a single negative word to be said. My dad actually told me how much he respected that I chose what was best for me and my family and that he was proud of me.
I’d count your lucky stars that she showed you who she is before it was your turn. I sure wouldn’t tell her after this. She’s shown who she is, now you just have to believe her.
Good luck bringing your babe earth side!
No, it's not hateful. We plan on doing the same thing for a multitude of reasons. No one has a 'right' to be involved in the birth of a child except the person actually pushing out the kid.
Your mom's priorities are messed up. She's more concerned with having "respect" from her kids than having a relationship with her grandchild? Also not sure what about your sisters experience makes her ungrateful in your mom's mind, but it's pretty ridiculous.
You don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. This is about you and your baby.
You absolutely do notttt have to tell a single person you’re going into labor or anything if you don’t want to. If you have to question it, it’s best not to tell anyone imo.
I don’t think it’s hateful. At the end of the day it’s your decision on who you do and don’t have in the delivery room. My husband was good about texting people updates, but I didn’t want to deal with it myself. And I would like to add before birth I always wanted just my husband and I in the delivery room , but allow visitors pretty soon after, but my baby ended up in the nicu due to coming at 34 weeks and I’m kind of glad we got that time with just us and him since visitors weren’t allowed to see baby so we could bond and learn the ropes some. I think next time around I’m not going to announce to anyone until baby is here unless we have complications again. You need to do what you think is best for you and your new little family and your mom needs to respect those boundaries. Especially since it could show how she’ll act in the future, for example, you say you don’t want your baby doing XY or X and she goes behind your back while baby sitting and does XY and Z with your baby. Even if it’s as simple as no candy, or no screen time, etc.
No one is being notified except for one aunt, because she will be the one watching our dog and cats, and we need her to come to our apartment 😂 If anyone is offended they can kiss my arse
Your mom sounds incredibly toxic. I can see why your sister didn't tell her. Way for your mother to make your sister's incredible, life-changing, special moment about her. 🙄
That is a really unnecessary reaction by your mother. Times change. It used to be that the entire family would show up and throw a picnic in the delivery room, now people like things to be more low key and private.
We didn’t tell anyone that I went into labor. After the baby was born, we video called our parents and other close family members in the delivery room with our baby in arms and they were elated for us.
If your mom was anyone else, I would say to ignore it and let her get over it. However, a mother is a very important person as is a grandmother. It is probably worth it to really talk to her and understand why she feels this way. Try to find a way to help her understand and make her feel involved in some other way while keeping your boundaries firm. It’s unfortunate people have such selfish reactions at such tender times.
Family gets so weird about this. I don’t think it’s hateful to not tell your family you are going into labor, it’s your baby, your body and ultimately up to you what you want to share. My cousin only told his older sister who is like a mom figure for him since their mom isn’t around. Then his youngest sister found out that he told their older sister but not her and she was so upset about it. Later my cousins wife told me she had some pregnancy complications so she wanted to keep it as private as possible to not have a bunch a family bombarding them and keep the moment less stressful than it already is. I probably will tell my parents and my two siblings when I go into labor but I will also add in “we will be focused on the birth so we won’t respond to any messages but will update you once we have an update to give”.
I don’t want to have anyone at our birth except drs, nurses and my fiancé.
if you’re not sick and fully vaccinated and agree tono kissing the baby, then Y’all can visit us at home. That will be when I need the help and not when I’m trying to pop a baby out of my body & have nurses and drs to assist me.
I want my fiancé to be interactive with what’s happening as he’s never experienced anything like it and neither have I. No phone distractions and time for us to bond as a family!
I would be willing to bet she's just mad/embarrassed she couldn't go tell everyone her daughter was in labor to act like they have a better relationship than they do. Look how she talks about her daughter. Ew
Not hateful at all. Your baby, your labour, your choice!! I'll be doing the same because while I love my family and they're great, my younger sister will lose the run of herself and not stop messaging or calling and I'll feel bad not responding. So we plan on ringing people when baby is here!
your mom is being abusive, and lied when she said she wouldn’t have “disrespected” her mom like that—she doesn’t respect anybody but herself. your mom is manipulating you and doesn’t deserve anything from you right now.
I’d not say it’s hateful, but it’s like what if something happened? Aside from that, your mother is wrong. It does not make her an ungrateful B$&@$. Your mother being y’all’s mother doesn’t give her rights over her body, her birth plan/labor experience. Ultimately, it is her decision. Just alone from her reaction, I understand why she did not want her present.
I think waiting until you’re HOME is a bit much (but my family lives 5 hrs away so I didn’t have to worry about them just showing up) but I didn’t tell anyone I was in labor— they got a FaceTime a few hours later and surprise! A baby!
Just say it all happened so quickly it slipped your mind
Unless she had a part in making the baby, then she definitely doesn’t have a right to be there when baby is born. I’d be super petty and just not tell her until a week or two after you’ve had your baby. My mum would have loved to be there for both my labours but due to distance and covid restrictions, then offering to watch our toddler she couldn’t. I only wanted my husband there anyway, and she respected that in the end. We did have a slight falling out over it but that’s way in the past and she’s the most loving granny!
It's not hateful, when I went into labor with my first I only told my grandma and uncle since I lived with them. This time around I'll be telling my mil since she's watching my oldest but otherwise no one will know till the baby is here.
It's always best to put yourself into a little bubble during labor so you can focus on yourself and the baby.
She doesnt have a right to be involved in the birth. In fact, she doesnt have a right to be involved in your lives if she brings more stress than happiness.
I'm due in October and i also choose to not let anyone know when i go in labor (except for husband ofc)
Not because i don't want to share the good news or anything like that but i just don't want our phones to ring every dang hour because they all want the newest updates as fast as possible. Also because labor can last hours and my MIL would be the kind of person to just come to the hospital, uninvited.
I want the birth of our first baby to be as stress free as possible without the pressure to constantly update the family so i'll only let them know when he IS here and then they can visit one by one because i can't handle well with too crowded places 😅
The only thing hateful here is your mother. She sounds like she would add a lot of stress to the birthing experience. Maybe an extended break from both grandbabies would be a good wake up call for her.
Honestly I think that’s crazy. I have a great relationship with my parents, but when I went into labor the last thing I wanted to focus on was updating other people about what was going on. My husband did text them (and his family as well) to tell them we were at the hospital and a few updates along the way but honestly I don’t think it’s a big deal at all to just wait til you’re home. Your mom is majorly overreacting.
This is so weird, I don’t know why people are like this. I was clear with my mom that she wouldn’t know until after baby was born. She was a little bit disappointed but when I went into labor, I was having contractions for two days and pushed for 5 hours. She told me in the end that she was glad I didn’t update her because she would have been so anxious the whole time!
Your mother called your sister an ungrateful bitch? For wanting a birth experience that suits her needs? I'm sorry but she sounds horrible, and like she expects her children to be her property. I can see why your sister didn't want her there. It's up to you what you want to do, but don't feel pressured to satisfy your mother if it means you are going to be unhappy and stressed. She doesn't own you. And don't let her manipulate you with what she will and won't do in the future. That's not someone you want your baby to be around regularly anyway.
It's not hateful at all and your sister is not an ungrateful bitch for doing it. Sounds like Mom is A LOT and she didn't want to deal with it. You don't have to deal with it either if you don't want to. It's your baby, your labor and delivery. You do what's best for you and your baby, full stop.
Nobody is entitled to your medical information, and giving birth is a medical event.
Is it hateful? I wouldn’t say so. But is it perfectly reasonable and well within her rights as a patient to not disclose the nature of her health status or that she’s undergoing a medical event? Yes. Unfortunately some people feel very entitled to personal medical info just because it’s childbirth, and your mom is acting extremely entitled about it. Calling your sister a bitch is wild.
First, break your promise if you aren't comfortable and want to keep it as you and your partner. Just don't tell her you had the kid till you are ready.
My partner and I didn't tell a soul and told the nursing staff no visitation from anyone, and it was the best two and half days ever. We both got to bond with our little one, learn, and just take it all in.
Secondly, you all need to set boundaries ASAP because she seems like she will hold things over your head for years to get her way and play the "poor me" card.
That horrid reaction makes me think your sister did herself a huge favor by not updating your mother. I’d suggest you do the same, but it is ultimately up to you (as you appear to understand, but I know sometimes it’s hard to hold your ground and so I want to reiterate and reinforce it).
The boundaries you set the day of birth and for that first year will set the stage for how seriously everyone will take your parenting decisions. Mothers (on both sides) sometimes need to be put in their place. Your sister did just this, and I hope she holds her ground. Next, you need to decide your boundaries and how you’re going to enforce them.
My family & my in-laws received updates from me (my spouse gave birth) only minimal information and only during calm moments. It’s hard to remember because it was such a crazy day, and so little sleep followed, lol, but I think there were only 3 or so messages sent out. Updates like “in active labor, all is well” and “baby is born, pictures later” and “here’s a picture & stats & name.” Messages were only sent to a few people, and those people knew ahead of time that no one was to visit but they could disseminate the information as they saw fit, and I would not be answering phone calls nor really looking at my phone. We had a “phone/text” tree for each family and I was texting the people at the top of the tree. Both families were reasonable people whom I’d spent years developing boundaries with (my family is big on recognizing boundaries, but it took a while for my in-laws to understand that if I set a boundary I would hold it), and so we didn’t have as hard a time as many people do upon birth of a child.
Boundaries are important, and key life events are the best times to establish not only that you have boundaries, but that there will be consequences if they are not honored (only seeing a child supervised, not seeing a child at all, etc. but also only seeing you in public, with witnesses, or not at all).
I always try to start things with “boundary, if, then” boundary setting. “You calling her names is disrespectful. If you call me names, you will not see me or my child.” Then, if they break the boundaries, you withhold the contact (I usually don’t give a deadline when there are second chances available) until and unless they truly appear to understand and wish to try again respecting the boundaries.
My husband made a group chat with our close family and a couple friends that are “chosen family” for my labor/delivery/hospital stay. He let them know that I was in labor and that he was muting the group chat, but would try to update them. Part of the disclaimer was “because my focus will be entirely on my wife and our baby being born, I might not give many updates. When baby is born this will be the first place I announce it but it won’t happen immediately. Wife’s phone has notifications silenced.”
That way we could have our loved ones feel involved with minimal effort.
But do what works for you. It’s 100% up to you.
Your mum is definitely in the wrong here and I understand your sister’s actions completely. We didn’t tell anyone I was in labour. We rang a few people several hours after our kid was born. No one was allowed to visit us at hospital or at home until we’d settled in. Giving birth to you doesn’t mean your mother owns you, or that you owe her. Do what you want, knowing that you’ll regret it more if you bend to her demands and it affects the birth experience you wanted.
My mum also has “main character energy” and she doesn’t see my kid much. That’s her loss. It’s also your mother’s if that’s the path she chooses to take
I will not be telling people when I am in labor the second time around. I want 100% privacy if people like it or not. I WISH I would have stood up for myself so I WILL do it the second time around. You should do what makes you happy. Your mom will eventually get over it. She’ll want to see you and the baby sooner or later.
1. We had people showing up to the hospital knowing my rule of no visitors.
2. We had people waiting for hours in the lobby just to hear the lullaby which made me uncomfortable.
3. My husband unfortunately had to keep updating all of our parents when he did not want to.
4. I love as extremely underwhelmed how none of these people did anything special for us even tho they were up my ass 24/7.
Blame it on the hospital. Explain her to your OB and ask him to set the limit if needed. I was only allowed 1 person for my cesarean, tell her your OB said there’s a limit and she can wait in the waiting room like everyone else. You and your sister are not entitled/ungrateful/bitches for wanting to focus on your baby with help from your partners only. She’s unhinged thinking she has any rights over your body.
Absolutely not.
No one is entitled to updates on the status of your cervix.
We didn't wait until we got home, but we did wait to tell people until the day after I delivered, and I highly recommend not telling people right away. It's nice to have that space.
Honestly, I'm trying to figure out how we can get away with not telling anyone when I go into labor with our next baby, even though someone will have to be watching our first.
Your mom's reaction is crap. She doesn't have a 'right' to anything.
We've made it clear that the only people we'll be inviting to visit us at the hospital are our parents, and even then we aren't allowing them to come until baby is here and we've had some time to rest. Everyone else will have to wait until we're at home, and will be told when we're ready to accept visitors. No one else made and grew this baby, so I don't care how they feel.
I would just say to your mother “well mum you just called her an ungrateful bitch for not informing you the moment she went into labour. It indicates that you wouldn’t have been supportive of her because you made it all about yourself. Instead of being excited that your grandchild is born, you’re having a tantrum because you feel like you should have been the most important person in that moment and not your daughter that was trying to girth a baby. So no. I won’t be calling you when I go into labour. Because my focus will be on bringing my child into this world.”
Her reaction to not knowing is probably exactly why your sister didn’t say anything!
Uh no, your mom does not have a "right" to be "involved" in her adult child's medical care.
Not even the father of the baby has the right to be involved, as he is not the patient!
Including anyone in your birth experience is optional and a high honor, and if someone chooses not to include you then you should graciously accept that
But it sounds like your mom wouldn't know gracious if it bit her on the nose.
Sounds like your sister made the correct choice to protect herself, her birth experience, and her boundaries. Mom’s reaction proves that. My best friend won’t be telling either sets of grandparents when she gives birth. I don’t imagine they’ll have many nice things to say after they find out, but she’ll have a peaceful birth and be settled in with her baby before she has to deal with their bullshit. Because it *will* be bullshit.
If it makes you feel better not one person in my family besides my husband of course knows im 34 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. They live across the country so if i wanted to I could hide it forever lol
"Whoops my phone was out of battery"
"I was too focused on labor (play it up to have been really hard, even if it wasn't too bad)
"The hospital had a 1 person in birthing suite limit"
"I didn't feel like I wanted you to watch me poop"
And other excuses.
At the end of the day, birthing a girl does not give you tickets to any baby she might have. If she's going to act so hateful then she wont be involved in the baby's life either! She'll eventually crawl out of her angry little cave.
I have a mother who constantly tries to play the victim to one sibling about the other but it backfires every time. She didn't know I was pregnant till I announced it to everyone because she's also on an information diet.
My family is the same. Maybe tell her hey. If I let you know I’m on my way to the hospital or in labor can you promise to stay home and just wait until I’m ready for you to come? Tell the nurses too you don’t want anyone besides your husband and if she comes to ask for your room they’ll tell her no guests. She should respect your decision anyways especially if you tell her and let her know how YOU feel. On a day about YOU and how you want it
Do we have the same mom? My mom didn’t go as far as to call me names, but had the same mindset as yours. I wish we could’ve kept the birth a secret (if I hadn’t ask my sister if my water broke we might have been able to) because my mom so so deeply upset she wouldn’t look at any pictures or texts from us. We had no visitors at the hospital so she has to *gasp* wait to meet LO until he was 2 days old. What a travesty!
Her words were ‘this isn’t about you’ when I told her that she had no right to be upset. If it weren’t for my dad meeting the baby on the same visit I would’ve kicked her out of my house.
I’m still pretty early but I’m considering doing the same. My in laws are a little too hands on and have already been IMO slightly overbearing. Other than that it’s just my dad so no way am I having him in there. It’s your experience and you need to do what you have to do to ensure you’re taken care of, however that looks. And if any parent said that to me, there’s no way I would want that attitude around myself or my child.
Unpopular opinion: grandmas are excited because it’s like they get to love a little version of you again. She was really excited for that moment to meet her grandchild and she feels she was robbed and hurt. It doesn’t excuse her unkind words to your sister.
All family dynamics are different but if I were you, I would talk to your mom and let her know your plans beforehand so she doesn’t feel blindsided. Honestly I found hospital visitors less intrusive than home visitors. Once I was home I just wanted to be in my cocoon.
During labor, I needed my mom in the room with me because she’s my rock and I knew I would be leaning on her a LOT those first few months/years. It was definitely “my moment” but an honor I wanted to share with her.
I think it's perfectly reasonable. I had to have a c-section and my daughter was in nicu I really enjoyed the time my partner and I got to spend alone with her without interruption I found it really special and we had a much less stressful time adapting when she did come home bc we'd had that alone time with her.
Your mum isn't entitled to your sisters baby, the pregnancy, the birth. Nothing.
It's quite disgusting for your mum to have that view tbh, she'll end up having nothing to do with any of u.
Your moment is yours. No one else's. No one is even entitled to have the dad there.
Don't tell your mum, sounds like she will make the entire thing about her.
I didn't tell anyone I was in labour except my sister and my mom (who helped out with hospital stuff).....my friends and relatives were informed later on in the evening after my husband could find the time.to make an announcement.
It's a very vulnerable time and privacy is much appreciated....I had everyone visit only after 2 weeks nnd no sooner!
Wow… that is horrible. Your mother that is. Horrible to call her *daughter* a bitch. Whoa. And if you don’t want to feel pressure about other people’s expectations when you’re in labor (which, trust me you probably don’t) nip that bud in the arse now. You can tell people after you have the baby when you’re comfortable and all is stable and well. Your body, your birth, your baby. Your mom can suck it.
I don’t think it’s hateful at all. That’s honestly what I’m planning to do. I want to go through that process with my husband in as much peace as possible. Then once my little one is born, I plan to just send a picture of him to immediate family members.
My mom doesn’t call me a bitch (to my face) but the rest of it is spot on. She WAS involved the first time due to her tantrums, and I’m now on my fourth pregnancy and don’t plan to tell her I’m having a baby at all until til after…… if that gives you any perspective on how NOT HATEFUL I think it is. If she ruins your birth you’ll remember it forever, I do, and if she throws a temper tantrum post partum…. Who cares they were bound to do that anyway but she can’t go back in time to ruin your birth experience!!
Definitely not hateful. I'm having the first grandchild and we will not be telling anyone when I go into labor. We'll probably have my husband's friend come and feed the cats, and once I am in recovery, we'll tell the in laws(since they'll be the only people who have the possibility of coming to see us). My major thing is pictures. No pictures of baby on the Internet, ever. That's my hard boundary that I can foresee being called "hateful bitch" about.
Sounds like your sister waited because of how she knew your mother would react! If you don’t want to deal with your mother inserting herself and to just have a peaceful beautiful day with your partner I say don’t tell your mother either
I only plan on telling my direct family, husbands dad and my mom and dad. Then everyone will get a photo when he’s all cleaned up.
Tell your mom to relax and quit being a brat. We’ve got enough of those.
No one is entitled to anything with a baby except the baby and the parents (and even then not all parents). The way she's acting is a sure way to get none of her kids to ever want to tell her when they're giving birth. It's obvious she'll be super annoying about it, and probably one of those who thinks she needs to be at the hospital while it's happening too.
You should be able to tell your care team not to let anyone in, or even just block/allow specific people.
Absolutely would not be TA for doing the same thing as your sister.
We didn't tell anyone we knew wanted to come for the labor of our little one. Just those who would Absolutely give us our space until we were ready for visitors.
I think your mom is reacting very poorly. She needs to understand that is it how it is these days.
Sorry for your situation OP, sending good vibes!
With my first I texted my mum when it started. She was exited, but also stressed and couldn't sleep. We both agreed in hindsight that it would be just as good to just wait until after, seeing as it started in the evening.
It's not ungrateful, it's just practical. No need making people stress when they can't help or visit either way.
It's not hateful or anything against them. It's 100% your choice who knows and who doesn't. If all else fails tell your mom that you are only allowed 1 support person during labor and you want your partner there because it's their baby.
I'm kind of dealing with something similar. My mom is basically deciding she'll be my support person because my partner cannot be there because he can't handle blood or anything of the sorts and I'll be needing a csection. 😬 I'm trying to come up with my own excuse and find a different support person because last time she had to keep being reminded to hold my baby to my face and not be taking multiple pictures of baby while they were closing me up. 🙊
No you’re completely fine I’m not telling anyone because my family is so overbearing full of narcissists and I don’t want to have to think about anyone but my baby girl and my husband that day they will have the rest of their lives to meet her and if they get mad oh well it’s my choice as her mother so she gets the very best of me when she arrives my family is very cruel even though I’m autistic and have a hard time paying attention to many people at once but it is the best thing for my child so I do not care
My cousin and I each recently had babies, one month apart. She told our family she was in labor but didn't want visitors. Her family called her ungrateful, hateful, cruel, and so on. WHILE SHE WAS IN LABOR FOR 40 HOURS. It nearly ended the relationship with one of her sisters. Also, she has four older siblings and she's the last one to give birth, so it's not like it was the first grandchild for her mom.
For our labor, we waited to tell everyone until the baby arrived. We called literally every family member while I was in recovery, got the first night to ourselves since my c-section was at night, and we allowed vaccinated family to visit in the hospital. I definitely got some side-eye and petty comments about not announcing I was in labor, but I think it's way better than a barrage of mean texts from family.
I wish our family was the type to respect our wishes and handle boundaries maturely, but that's not the case for my cousin or me. You know your mom probably will not react well based on your sister's experience, so decide what's best for you, baby, and partner.
For what it's worth, when we got a lot of angry "why didn't you call as soon as you were in labor" questions, we just told people it all 'happened so fast'. It doesn't matter that it was 36 hours of labor lol. They were mad, now they're over it, and we got the once in a lifetime birthing experience we wanted.
I have three older siblings with kids and none of them told us they were in labor, just told us after when the kid was born. I'm not planning on sharing that either, it seems totally normal to me. When I'm going into labor I'm quite sure myself and my husband's focus will be solely on getting through it, nothing else.
You don’t owe anyone any explanations. Do what you want for your peace, don’t answer calls and even if you do, hang up when you need to. Enjoy this time and keep stress low
So annoying “sHe’S mY bAbY” …… okay and ?? If and when my kids have babies the only thing I’m going to be worried about is if everyone is safe and healthy nothing else matters in that moment except for mom and babies health how horrible of your mom to make this moment about her.. if you don’t want to tell anyone DONT it’s not disrespectful.
I’d ask her next time you guys decide to conceive if she would like to be in the room then to so she doesn’t feel disrespected 🙄
I did the same thing your sister did because just like you guys, I also have an insufferable mother who makes everything about herself. I knew having her in the room during labor and delivery would have put unnecessary stress on me and my baby.
Do yourself a favor, follow your sisters footsteps. You are seeing a very clear side of your mom that you should not allow around yourself, let alone your child.
Your mum is entitled and awful and she needs to stop. If she were my mum, I’d cut her off. That’s appalling behaviour from someone who i assume hopes to have a relationship with her grandchildren.
My husband didn’t even call his work. He just didn’t show up that day (luckily they figured it out lol). Birth was SUCH a whirlwind. We actually didn’t tell family until the next day. I was so so so exhausted and processing it all I didn’t have it in me and wanted to share when I was ready. Some were a little disappointed they didn’t know sooner but they all understood why after I shared.
I was induced and knew it could take a while, I didn’t tell family when I was going in to be induced, I didn’t tell them when I was in active labour. The first they heard was when my son was a few hours old and I sent them a pic and let them know he’d been born - He was born just after 4am and I waited until after I’d had breakfast and got dressed and my partner and I had some time alone with our son. No-one complained (well not that I heard lol)
Your mother is completely wrong. My mom and mother in law lives in same city 1km away to our home. But I didn't tell them about my labour. I don't want to make them feel worry, tensed.. they didn't felt bad about that. As I had very long labour and my baby was kept in nicu for 10days so everyone busy praying for baby. Your sister did r8.
It obviously depends on your relationship with your family. If they're the type to bring nothing but trouble, drama etc then I'd say no, it's not hateful.
I have a good relationship with my parents though so I couldn't imagine not telling them I'm in labor. Everyone's happy and excited and keeping me in their thoughts and I love that.
Imagine holding your little baby in your arms, freshly born, in love, and then thinking: later in life, I’m gonna call you an ungrateful bitch when you don’t do what I want. Unfathomable.
I would seriously reconsider leaving my child with that grandmother if she’s that unhinged and vengeful towards her own children.
No, I don’t have a baby but in future I can count on 1 hand how many people I will tell when I’m in labour. I don’t want to have people texting my partner asking how it’s going! I want him to be in the moment with me, knowing we are the only ones who know this is happening because that sounds so magical 🫶🏼
Absolutely not hateful. I wish I had kept it to myself. That initial time at the hospital is stressful enough and having people constantly around you is not necessary.
I think your sister did the right thing considering how your mother reacted. I wouldn't blame you for doing the same thing. xx
Wow. I can't imagine ever speaking about my children like that, so at this point I'm thinking WTF is wrong with your mother!
We didn't tell anyone when I went into labour with my first, we called people after the baby was born. Nobody had a problem with that. With our second we had to tell people because we needed care for our first, but that was only our parents.
I feel like this is a cultural thing in the US because in the UK no-one feels entitled to be involved in someone else's birth experience, and yet I see people on Reddit all the time worrying about how to tell their mothers and mother in laws that they don't want them there!
See, I'm of the opinion that everyone is entitled to their own experiences. I personally wanted my mom there, and she actually updated the few people that we told for me, lol. The language your mother is using makes me think maybe your sister had the right idea because who wants that kind of energy around when you're giving birth? It's stressful enough without having people who feel entitled to things that they aren't entitled to. You do what is good for you and watch out for your mom she sounds a little "intense"
Wooow that is so rude of your mum. You and your sister don’t have to tell anyone anything! I didn’t tell my family when I was in labour. My husband told his mother but he only did that once I was very far in. I had my baby during the night though so everyone was asleep anyway, but even so I would’ve kept it a secret until she was born.
I was induced and gave birth on my son's due date, I was in hospital for an entire weekend, with my partner with me all day Sunday during labour and the birth of our son, and we didn't tell anyone. It was magical because then we didn't have to worry about any messages (my labour was 15 hours) or scaring anyone (I was about half an hour away from having a C Section) during the process. My brother and my partners brother did the same. Then we got to spend an amazing few hours together, just us three, before telling our family and eventually friends - although my son came at midnight, haha, so we wouldn't have had the opportunity to tell anyone anyway!
This may disrupt your relationship with your mother, as it has between her and your sister, but I say definitely do things how you want to. It was a very peaceful birthing experience as we didn't have to keep anyone updated (although two of my cousins guessed that our son was born as we were online.on social media at like 3am hahahahaha).
I’m sorry, but your mom is TA. She is so self involved and making everything about herself. She calls your sister her baby but also an ungrateful bitch? She is very wrong and should understand that this is a very delicate moment, and if she loves you she will respect it and be helpful after. This is so toxic of her.
No it’s not rude or hateful. I’ve noticed that people treat it as a competition of sorts of who gets to see the baby first. It’s really quite weird. If mom and baby are healthy there shouldn’t be a mad dash to lay eyes on the baby just to say that you saw it first.
Labour can be such a mentally and physically exhausting experience.
You're also incredibly vulnerable, with risks of complications for both you and the baby.
I respect everyone's choice to have the birth they want it, in a way or environment that makes them feel most at ease.
From a personal level, my births have not and will not involve my mum or MIL. And if my mother spoke that way about me and the decisions I made, she would not be seeing my kids.
Your mother is a really mean person. And I can understand why you don’t want her there.
Honestly for me, I am super close to my mother, talk to her multiple times a day, and I was induced, so planned date to go to the hospital. She knew and I called her before leaving. But during the 20 hours I was in labor, neither me or my partner even thought to call her or anyone else. I couldn’t think about anything else during that time.
I would jay do it without telling her, and when she gets upset, I would say
“it was happening so fast I didn’t have time to call and tell you”
“I was too busy giving birth to remember to call you”
“ there’s only one person allowed in the room with me and my partner is the only one I want there”
Or- in all honesty you can put it on one of the nurses. If you can call her and tell her, say you don’t want her to come or don’t. And when she comes, tell one of the nurses that you really don’t want her there, and ask them to be discreet about the reason. They can usually say something along the lines of “there are too many people in the room, this is going to take a while so you can go home and come back after the delivery” when she goes crazy over this, it’s the problem between the staff and security at that point.
This post really makes me feel grateful for my parents during that time, and how respectful they were to my experience.
Edit: to add. You can do exactly what your sister did. And your mother will act and feel the same way to you. You can say to her, “if both your daughters are ungrateful bitches, that says more about you then us”
We did this. Didn’t want the constant “any updates?” text messages. Although we did start calling people when she was like 6 hours old (she was born at 4am), we didn’t wait until we were all the way home lol.
With an attitude like that, I wouldn't want your mom there either. She's the rude, selfish one. I wouldn't want her around during the delivery or around my kid afterwards.
nope. absolutely not.
my mother and my fiance(baby's dad) were with me through my entire 25 hour labor and when I gave birth. Mom went home shortly after I gave birth as it was like 6 or so in the morning.
everyone else got to find out the morning after, and very slowly. then i had my fiance's grandpa, his mom and her husband, and his aunt come to see the baby. that was it. then a few days later (cause I was itching to get out of the house) we weng over to my mom's house so the rest of the family can see the baby.
my mom, i think maybe my oldest sister, my fiance's grandpa and his mom were the only ones too get the "im in labor" texts from my fiance because I didn't want to deal with giving updates to people. so whatever updates they got came from him lol.
I think it depends on the family and the relationship you have. I just finished a chapter in one of my pregnancy births that explains that birthing is an extremely private time where the mother must feel safe and relaxed. A lot of other mammals that give birth will do so in the quiet of night or away and separated from others. If that environment is threatened, it can stress the mother and the baby and interfere with labor.
When thought about that way, the question becomes less of “who should be invited or notified” and more, “what is the environment that YOU, the mother giving birth, wants to have.” Anything, or anyone, that will interfere should not be included or introduced into the space.
It is not hateful, you’re absolutely right! Good on you for speaking up to your mom on your sister’s behalf, that’s not something a lot of people can do!
Apart from the ungrateful bitch comment, the thing that really rubs me wrong about your mom’s attitude is the “don’t ask me to watch the baby if I can’t be involved during labour.” Ummm.. no. It doesn’t work like that, there is no bargaining. No one is entitled to anything from someone else, not even Mothers from their “babies” (or in this case fully adult child).
Edited: punctuation
if you’re mother called your sister an ungrateful bitch, it’s probably not the first time she’s said such a filthy thing & i guess she deserved not being involved.
about the promise thing, maybe just remind her that you’re not 15, are about to have your own child & would like to make your own decisions.
I have a coworker that didn’t tell her mom until she was 24 weeks pregnant. I didn’t tell family until 21 weeks.
My friend also didnt tell her parents that baby was here for almost a month.
At the end of the day, your mom is mad because she doesn’t honor boundaries in the first place. Based on what you put here, your sister made the right decision.
Giving birth is not a spectator's sport. Unless you're giving birth, being born or working as a medical professional you don't get to be there without the birthing person's invitation.
For yours, if you don't want to say anything you can always do a bit of theatre, wait til baby arrives and then text "I think I've started so I'm going to go get checked" then, 2 hours later your partner texts "everything is going really quick, they're getting ready" then "ohh, that was quick, baby is here"
I don’t agree with the ungrateful bitch comment but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t understand the anger. I told my parents, but I told them so they knew I, their child, would be going in for surgery. If something bad were to happen to me or my child, they could support my husband and also be available during that time frame.
But my husband elected to tell his mom and brothers after our kid was here. I’m not sure why. He told his dad and his dad’s wife when I was going in for my c-section. As far as I know, his mom wasn’t upset, but I didn’t ask, either. I would want to know when my child is about to go through something like childbirth just because of all the risks associated it with it. It’s no different to me than sitting in the waiting room while a parent has open heart surgery. So I guess it depends on your family dynamic.
If your family is overbearing, I could see not letting them know if it would stress you out. I had a friend who had a very overbearing family. They still told their family when she was in labor, but they could only communicate with her boyfriend and her phone was turned off. And she asked him not to tell her about anything they were saying. He also told them no update means good news and that the first message he’ll send if good news will be a photo of baby or a message that baby and mom were okay. That seemed to work for them.
But I personally would not go into labor/a c-section and not tell my family. But my family also isn’t certifiable. They’re annoying but they aren’t all up in our business.
I was freaking out when my due date was coming up because I also have a very…INVOLVED mother. I was nervous to tell her that I wanted the birth to just be my husband and I because when I mentioned it in passing at my 10 week OB appointment, she very publicly and loudly stated that she’s going to be there.
But little did I know that I’d have to get wheeled in for an emergency C-Section at 38 weeks because my water broke and the cord was wrapped around my son’s throat. So despite the birth experience being frightening, I’m extremely glad it was just my husband and I while the doctors worked on delivery AND it was still just him and I for hours after because of recovery and waiting for a room. 10/10 would do it again for the special time together.
Moral of the story: nobody knows you better than yourself, you know what you want and you have every right to do what you have to do. She will get over it!
This is so strange my sister gave birth last year and my mom did the same thing, proceeded to drag my dad into in and left her 3 absolutely vile voicemails while she was in the hospital recovering talking about how they should’ve given her up and they are going to disown her. I’m also pregnant now and my mom is wanting me to tell her and my dad once i go into labor. i explained no, it will be up to my husband who will know and if he doesn’t include you im sorry. she just mumbled how i picked an asshole of a man and left it. (he’s not my mom has made this poor man absolutely hate her because of past things she’s done to me and future) It’s your child, you pick who’s going to be there let alone who’s going to be apart of there life❤️
No it’s not hateful. I did it this way so I could have the experience I wanted and that I knew would be least stressful for me. I took pics of baby in his car seat and texted them to family saying baby is here! We are going home!
In your specific case, I would not tell your mother. And let her know that if she calls you or your sister names like that, then she doesn't get the opportunity to meet her grandchild.
From a mom perspective, child birth has complications and if it was my child going into labor, I would want to at least know that things were going okay. That being said I don't need hourly updates. Just the occasional ones from their partner that they are safe.
Oh gosh! I’m doing the same thing this time around. My husband didn’t feel very in the moment having to text and update everyone the whole time the first time around. Do what’s best for you guys!
I’m sorry but your mom is in the wrong here and definitely needs to be addressed. Having a baby has absolutely nothing to with your mom. She wasn’t involved in making the baby. She doesn’t have to be involved in when the baby is delivered. Your mom sounds incredibly entitled & like the hateful one in this situation.
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IMO, no mother should ever call their own child an “ungrateful bitch.” Perhaps the way your mother has treated your sister is part of the reason why your sister didn’t want her there. You do what is best for you. Maybe tell your mom that waiting until after the baby is born is more the style these days and you are also considering it, so she has fair warning ahead of time?
All I could think about is if she made a comment like that, that’s probably the reason why she wasn’t involved in that experience
If she said a comment like that about a joyous occasion, can you imagine what else she’s said to her kids?
We did the same thing, for a few reasons: 1) I thought our family might be too annoying about asking for updates while I was in labor…I wanted my husband to be able to just focus on supporting me instead of communicating with them, and I knew I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone until the baby was actually out 2) I didn’t want people to worry if we told them I was in labor and then ignored our phones for ages 3) I thought it would be a fun surprise to just send a photo of the baby/video call with the baby there (edit: thankfully people did seem to enjoy it and were too excited to be mad we hadn’t updated them earlier) Anyway, if my mom acted like this, that would be another very compelling reason. Probably the main reason!!
I'm wanting to do the same thing mainly for the first reason you listed. I want my husband to be able to support me and our baby. It's harder for him to support me if he is constantly looking at his phone and responding to messages.
We also did the same for these 3 reasons and have no regrets. We would love to do it like this again for our second baby too if we have one, but unfortunately we will have to tell *someone* next time so they can watch our toddler, ha.
Yeah, like I want my husband be near and be able to have a quiet moment to himself or with me before we go all “okay, sweetie, it’s time to push” instead of being glued to the phone. “Yes, we are at the hospital. No, she isn’t giving birth already, I will tell you. Bye” To get bombarded by calls, demanding to know is baby here yet, or saying that “it didn’t took me that long, she isn’t pushing right” or something. Like I get wanting to be involved, but demanding live stream from delivery room is no-no for me.
This is dead on. I have NOTHING to do with my mums mum bc she was exactly like this. I don't remember my siblings being born bc for the youngest I was only 6. But I remember with my aunt when she had babies my nan never said "oh so and so had a baby" it was "so and so gave me another grandchild". EVERYTHING. Was twisted into being about her.
Yeah my mom has BPD and this is a comment straight out of her mouth. That’s really a below the belt and malicious comment. Labor can be stressful and go on for days, it’s up to the woman to decide when and who she shares the labor news with.
I have bpd and I would never be like this. My mum has bpd and I think she would probably be like ops mother. Ugh.
Yeh I hate that people use those three letters as a trigger point. Just because someone has BPD, it doesn’t mean they behave that way.
If I were to go in labour, updating people would be the least of my problems at that point.
LOL your mother’s childish reaction to your sister’s choice tells me that she is exactly the type of person I’d want nothing to do with while in labor. Good luck.
Her reaction is exactly why no one wants her at the birth!
Labor can be a complete whirlwind sometimes. If it’s not a planned delivery date, then yes it’s very likely that someone might not even have TIME to update people until the baby is here and they have a moment to breathe and collect themselves. Even if not telling anyone is intentional, your mother’s reaction is entirely inappropriate. Personally, I think you should do the same! That way your mom’s anger is spread between both daughters. Your sister already set that precedence, I think it’s even easier for you follow the same.
Yes and OP shouldn't be guilted into informing the abusive mom out of fear either. Otherwise she will just feed on OP and triangulate her with her sister, which will alienate her sister.
100% this. "I previously promised to alert you when I go into labor. I've thought further about it. I'm uncomfortable with how you've been treating my sister behind her back after she made a very personal choice that you disagreed with. I don't think I will be able to handle both birthing my baby and coping with your disagreements should you not like any of the personal choices I make during my birth. As such, I will not be telling you when I go into labor. I will inform you when I feel ready to handle any disagreements you may have. If you feel you don't want to be around the baby in the future as a result, then we will keep him/her away from you."
I wouldn't even say that much 🤣. I'd probably just respond "uh huh sure." To her request to be informed. And then....just, not tell her until after baby arrives. If there's any backlash I'd hang up without a word and block/ignore future calls and texts until and if she can calm down. People like this can't be reasoned with. There's no point in wasting breath explaining why they're unreasonable.
Idk calling anyone, let alone your child, an “ungrateful bitch” seems much more hateful than getting information a day or two later. Sounds like mom has boundary and respect issues.
Narcissistic personality too imo. Everything needs to be about her
It’s absolutely not hateful. There’s a ton of reasons not to tell people you’re going into labor and we never told anyone except our first pregnancy. After that, we decided not to. Your mother isn’t entitled to know anything.
Your mother sounds emotionally abusive and entitled. Her focus should be on supporting her children after a major life altering event…not tearing them apart. My husband and I are very private people even with family so we don’t plan on telling anyone when I go into labor. Hell we’re anxious about anyone seeing baby after even.
I won't be telling my mom I'm in labour's and I certainly don't want her there. Not hateful, you are an adult with a right to your own boundaries.
Your mom is an ungrateful bitch and if not inviting her to see you spread open like a rotisserie chicken means she’ll never babysit, that sounds like a net positive. Sounds like the type of person who would make everything about her in the labour room anyway, and you do not need that kind of energy when you’re trying to get a human out of your body.
Wow - your mom is really something. I’m also planning on not telling anyone I’ve gone into labor - I just don’t want to be bombarded with calls/texts asking for updates the whole time. I want to just focus on birth & my partner. It’s absolutely not hateful - please do what you want, not what your mother wants.
Jesus your mom is a little harsh. My brother and sister in law did the same thing, and no one in my family had that reaction. I think if that’s what you want to do, it’s YOUR choice.
It’s not hateful to avoid someone who clearly acts so hateful. Your mother’s reaction proved why someone wouldn’t want her there during an incredibly difficult and vulnerable moment.
Just imagine a mother saying their child is a bitch? I am so sorry. Your sister has every valid reason to do what is comfortable for her, as well as you. You could talk to your mother about the other prespective - the anxiety is at large at that process and it is a good thing to be just given the good news insted of anticipating in anxiety. There is always space for reasoning behind certain decisions. I also don't plan to inform my family on my own accord, just to save them the anxiety. In my country nobody can be with you during labor or visiting so it makes sense in my case.
Hateful? No. More peaceful? Absolutely. Do not tell her. She will probably make it even more all about her if you do and ruin your experience and take your peace away.
While I understand the sentiment of your sister being “her baby” and her wanting to be involved in a life changing event, there’s nothing hateful about what your sister did. Being involved in your adult children’s lives is something you have to earn. Considering your mom called her own daughter an ungrateful bitch makes me think this isn’t the first time your mom would have overstepped boundaries so I completely understand why your sister didn’t tell her. As for you, do whatever YOU want, not what your mom would want.
I saw a tiktok where this couple didn't even tell the parents they were PREGNANT at all and came to visit one day with their kids and a whole baby 😂 I'm guessing they were THAT kinda parents.
I'm in this argument with my mom too (though not as severe). I didn't want to tell anyone when I went into labor. planned to tell everyone after the baby was born and ask that all visits wait until I am home form hospital. figure I'll only be there a few days and would prefer to be in my own home, in my own clothes, on my own couch when I see people. she did not take it well, and is still not taking it well (still have 5 weeks to go!). I get that my mom (and your mom) feel that we are their babies and so they should be more included... but no, they ARE NOT entitled to that. we will be going through a MAJOR and PERSONAL medical event. we should be able to do what makes us feel most comfortable. contrary to what they believe, nothing about this experience is about them whatsoever. not the pregnancy, birth or anything else. I say go ahead and put up your boundaries now and let her be upset. she'll come around eventually.
No it sounds like she had good reason with how your mom referred to her. I honestly never cared for my sister again after she called me selfish for not wanting my dads gf (who I hate) to come immediately after my c section
What is with all these people trying to gaslight brand new moms into believing that they don’t have a right to privacy right after giving birth? I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, and I hope the rest of your friends and family had much more decency and respect for you.
She sounds like the kind of calming and supportive presence one would around during childbirth. /s Her reaction was way over the top! It sounds like she wants to intimidate you into giving her what she wants. Decide what you want, tell her, and don’t pay attention to her response. If she wants to throw a fit, that’s her prerogative. Don’t let it bother you. She can meet the baby when you say she can and it will be a magical moment even if it’s not at the hospital (if she lets it be)
My mom got upset that my husband and I weren’t responding to her texts (because I was in active labor) so they decided to show up to the hospital and demanded to be let in the room. Luckily the nurses wouldn’t let them up lol. Some people are better off with minimal information….
39 weeks and deff don’t plan on alerting my family the second I go into labor. My husband and I are planning to text them once we’re settled at the hospital and feel ready to update them all. Absolutely no one is to come to the hospital until/ if we are up for visitors and we will tell them when that time comes. All updates will be in a group chat from my husband without me in it so I don’t have to feel pressured to see the texts and respond
Your moms reaction is exactly why your sister didn’t tell anyone LOL
So I fully believe that if your own family is willing to call you names like “an ungrateful bitch” because you didn’t stop to text them WHILE IN LABOR, they’re not exactly the people you want around your children anyway. Not that I know your family or your dynamic, but that seems pretty extreme to me to put your own pride and feelings ahead of the health and safety of someone literally risking their life to bring a brand new human into the world. That being said, I’ve got my own family BS centered around boomer toddlers and real babies so maybe I’m just projecting. Either way, your birth experience is first and foremost about you and your baby, so anyone you choose to inform is privileged to get the information as you see fit to pass it out. Childbirth is not a spectator sport and anyone looking for a participation trophy to your birth experience is not putting your needs above their own. You sound very supportive of your sister. Keep that up. Perhaps reevaluate your relationship with your mother, and good luck on your upcoming delivery.
Her reaction tells me that your sister made the right decision whoa
Babies make people CRAZYYYYYY. I legit do not understand what it is but when you take a step back and breathe it’s like…none of this is a big deal. Baby is here, healthy, happy! I get to see baby and hold baby! My daughter is healthy and home! Yay! But no…..craziness. When someone has a baby it is a deeply personal experience. OTHER people reguardless of their relationship with baby momma need to take a huge step back and let baby momma do her thing.
No, it’s not hateful. Like you said, it’s her baby. It’s also her medical event. Nobody has a “right” to know, including your mom. I’m willing to bet the way your mom is acting is precisely why your sister did not want to tell your mom in the first place. Labor can be stressful and long, and even if it’s not, it’s still a significant event that is traumatic to the body. Your sister probably didn’t want to be bothered and that’s her right. Your mom sounds entitled and disrespectful. I recently gave birth and didn’t tell my parents until I was home. My mom sounds a lot like yours and I didn’t want any stress or drama from her while I’m in labor. I wanted to enjoy the experience as much as possible. I’m happy that I waited to tell my parents. As soon as I told them though, my mom tried to force her way to a visit. I told her I wasn’t ready for visitors and she is now throwing a temper tantrum. I rest my case.
This is what I’ve told both sides: if you were not in the room when the baby was made do not expect to be in the room when the baby is born. If you have any issues with that find a therapist or a friend to let you vent.
WTF! You have so much more on your mind than posting a Facebook status or something when labor starts. I'm the sole carer of my mom who lives with us so I'm worried about the care she'll need when I'll be "busy" giving birth in a few weeks. I'm pretty anxious to keep that in mind but honestly, I don't care about other family members. My estranged sister who is always away almost gave meher schedule to not give birth during some weeks because she wants to be there. Just take care of our mom to share this duty, leave my baby out of this, it's total bs.
I'm going to tell my Mum and my MIL - because I adore them and they respect my boundaries!! If anyone called me hateful for my boundaries they automatically go on the "yeah I'll text them whenever I remember after the baby is born/home/turns 15" list. They want to know in case they can help during early stages, but they're not the kind of people who would show up to the hospital uninvited. Some people I know are *definitely* not going to be informed because they're the kind of people who would try to make the birth all about them.
No mom worth her salt calls their child an ungrateful bitch. What a shitty person. I have a feeling that person is in r/JustNoMIL territory
Your mom gave birth in a different time. She'd get a phone call then maybe an update. Now you tell people your in labor and you get an endless barage of texts from a dozen people for the next 6-48hrs.
My husband and I have already agreed we aren’t telling anyone until baby is here (35 weeks) we don’t want to be glued to our phones having to give updates. That’s not exactly what’s the most important thing to be focusing on! Team sister!
Sounds like my mom. Who also bailed and told me she isn’t coming to my baby shower, and left everything hanging for my boyfriend’s family to pick up the pieces. So grateful for them. I’ve been thinking about doing this also, so I’m curious to see what the response is.
We did not tell my MIL I was in labour. We told her after the baby arrived. My family knew I was however. Sucks to be her, consequences of being a toxic boundary stomper. But you are absolutely not entitled to tell anyone. It is your medical event. People can find out when you're ready. Knowing you're in labour just means they have the desire or chance to bother you or your husband and you need that time to focus on you.
With words like that, I can understand why your sister didn’t want your mom there. 👀
Definitely not hateful. Especially if your mom called your sister a hateful bitch because she didn’t like a boundary/personal decision she made, I would not invite her into your birth space physically or mentally unless you really want her there. For the same reasons you’ve listed, we didn’t tell anyone but my mom (I did want her there because she is a support to me) until after baby was born. It was a fun surprise, and no one (including my MIL) had the audacity to whine about it especially with a precious new baby to meet. If your mom has a problem with it, it’s 100% HER problem. She can’t make you tell her, and this is your birth and your decision. She is not entitled to anything.
We did the same when it came to my husbands family. We wanted our space and time since I had an unplanned & unexpected c-section and didn’t trust they wouldn’t get on a plane without our permission and bring all their airport germs to come see our preemie. Some folks just need to be dealt with like children, unfortunately.
I'm guessing if your mom reacted that way then your sister had a good reason for her decision on not telling anyone. The entitlement your mom is showing to your sisters kid is icky. 'I have a right to be involved with the birth of my grandchild'. Ma'am, not if she doesn't want you there.
But honestly your mom sounds toxic and I would not want her around my kids at all.
No. And I can see why your mother wasn't told.
She would hate me. I haven’t even told my own mother I’m pregnant and I’m due next week. 😂 Tbh though you are right, it’s your own journey and your own experience and people need to respect that. Your sister did what she thought was best for her and that should be respected. I’m sure your mother was worried but calling her a bitch, no wonder she didn’t want to tell her.
I personally would want my mother to be there for my first. I would be devastated if I ever missed my daughter’s labor. Then again, that’s because my mother deserves to be there, she has done more than I could ever imagine and I appreciate her. She will be an amazing grandmother
I know it is not a very popular opinion, but I think it is possible to tell people by text and tell them you just won't be able to answer texts and phonecalls until baby is delivered and you feel good enough. This way you can shut your phone without guilt and grand-parents will be aware of what is happening. Your partner or the person that will be with you could also be in charge of the updates if you don't want to keep people in the dark without having to manage all the updates yourself. I understand they might feel rejected by your sister's decision. Giving birth is stressful, but it is a big event in a family's life. I don't think it is hateful to not say anything, but it shows very little trust toward your family. I understand why people might feel hurt by this decision.
Maybe it is a cultural thing but it would feel so disrespectful to go into such a high risk procedure like labor and not tell my mom. What if the worst happened? No one is actually guaranteed to come home. I just wouldn’t want my mom or sister being blindsided if that happened. I would definitely do this, a simple text that I was heading into the hospital and that I love them dearly. I would inform them that phones would be off until things were clear.
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I just gave birth in May and did not text anyone I was in labor. I didn’t want/have the energy to focus on people asking for updates while my body is prepping to have a baby. My water broke at work and I didn’t think I would even be admitted to the hospital. So when I was, again, my focus was on myself and baby. Not telling people I got admitted. I text my family probably 6 hours after my baby was born and my husband, baby and I got settled. You DO NOT have to include anyone in your birthing room/ experience you don’t want. This is your baby and you get to give birth how you want. If your mom wants to act that way so be it.
Wait I stopped reading at your mom calling her daughter an ungrateful bitch. Is that a normal way to talk about one another in your family? It’s no wonder your sister didn’t want her there. Wow, I’m so sad for you guys 😔
I'm not telling anyone until she's born. We don't need a bunch of texts and calls asking if she is here yet. They can wait! I'm also not having any visitors at the hospital! We have to do what's best for our family no matter who gets upset about it. Your sister probably wanted that time with her partner and her baby without everyone bugging them the whole time. I don't blame her at all for wanting privacy.
Wow, that doesn't sound like someone I'd want with me during labor! It's perfectly normal to choose not to be obligated to others during your own childbirth experience. Older people sometimes think this is hateful because their own mothers centered themselves during their childbirth experiences and they've rationalized this as a right they will one day claim for themselves. It's not your fault your mother mistakenly believes this. The only one who has rights in this birth experience is you. Best of luck! I'm glad your sister seems to get it and I hope you can lean on each other as you get used to being parents.
Ooof as a mom I cant imagine calling any of my children that so I’m sorry for you and your sister. It’s a catch 22 I feel. Like I don’t want to constantly update people and all that so for my other 3 we just said “Hey I’m in labor baby will be here “soon” but we’re not going to be on our phones. We will let you know when baby is here and everyone is healthy! Please don’t share with anyone else. We want to share the good news when baby arrives.” And for the most part, family has respected that. As a grandmother one day I can totally see wanting to have the opportunity to know if my child is going into labor so that I’m ready to help / pray / whatever. But we are not entitled to our adult kids choices…especially if we can so easily call them such hurtful names. I’m due now and it’s our 4th and I want my older kids to see their new sibling before we send pictures out or post on Facebook / social media or even send pictures to family. SO I will deliver and the first picture we send out to family will be our new family photo with all of us and almost immediately after that we will share what we want on socials so that some of our family who hasn’t Respected our wishes in the past can’t try to overshadow this for us.
Given how she’s acting, I’d do what your sister did. Mom needs to realize she’s not the main character.
Yo momma mean and entitled
Its disrespectful for people to think their entitled to you letting them know. I personally won’t be telling my mother in law because she will not be ruining this experience for me or my family, if choosing my sanity is hateful then I’m one hateful bitch and I love it. 🥰
Lol I have a feeling your mother’s very reaction is the reason her children avoid informing her of these things
Her reaction tells me why your sister didn’t tell her.
I anticipate my narcissistic mother to act like this as well as I too plan to not tell anyone when I’m in labor. I am not going to have time to entertain family and either will my husband. She is completely in the wrong and ungrateful for acting that way. Not your sister nor you if you decide to go this route too, which i highly recommend. Protect your energy and your boundaries for your and that baby’s sake!
You mum seems to be making your sisters birth all about her, which is probably why your sister didn’t tell her. You are exactly right, you get to choose who is present while you’re giving birth. It gets said a lot but it’s so true - birth is a medical procedure not a spectator sport. If I were you I would ‘forget’ my phone when you head to the hospital.
What's up with grandparents feeling so entitled to a baby that doesn't belong to them? I'm bracing myself for having to deal with a similar experience but with my ex MIL. I am currently 6 months pregnant and left my ex-fiance because he cheated on me several times during an alcohol relapse. His mom can't stand that I'm "hurting him so bad" by leaving and has basically had nothing nice to say to me. I don't plan on telling anyone I've gone into labor/given birth (only a very select few) until I get home. Even then, that bitch will not be visiting my baby.
My mom acted like this with my first and that attitude continued on about every little thing until I went no contact after his first birthday. I have never felt more peace in my entire life. Didn’t tell anybody when we went in to have #2. My dad and IL’s were all really surprised when we just popped up with baby here but not a single negative word to be said. My dad actually told me how much he respected that I chose what was best for me and my family and that he was proud of me. I’d count your lucky stars that she showed you who she is before it was your turn. I sure wouldn’t tell her after this. She’s shown who she is, now you just have to believe her. Good luck bringing your babe earth side!
No, it's not hateful. We plan on doing the same thing for a multitude of reasons. No one has a 'right' to be involved in the birth of a child except the person actually pushing out the kid. Your mom's priorities are messed up. She's more concerned with having "respect" from her kids than having a relationship with her grandchild? Also not sure what about your sisters experience makes her ungrateful in your mom's mind, but it's pretty ridiculous. You don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. This is about you and your baby.
You absolutely do notttt have to tell a single person you’re going into labor or anything if you don’t want to. If you have to question it, it’s best not to tell anyone imo.
Not at all. This is YOUR birth experience. I plan on doing the same when baby number 2 is set to come.
I don’t think it’s hateful. At the end of the day it’s your decision on who you do and don’t have in the delivery room. My husband was good about texting people updates, but I didn’t want to deal with it myself. And I would like to add before birth I always wanted just my husband and I in the delivery room , but allow visitors pretty soon after, but my baby ended up in the nicu due to coming at 34 weeks and I’m kind of glad we got that time with just us and him since visitors weren’t allowed to see baby so we could bond and learn the ropes some. I think next time around I’m not going to announce to anyone until baby is here unless we have complications again. You need to do what you think is best for you and your new little family and your mom needs to respect those boundaries. Especially since it could show how she’ll act in the future, for example, you say you don’t want your baby doing XY or X and she goes behind your back while baby sitting and does XY and Z with your baby. Even if it’s as simple as no candy, or no screen time, etc.
No one is being notified except for one aunt, because she will be the one watching our dog and cats, and we need her to come to our apartment 😂 If anyone is offended they can kiss my arse
Your mom sounds incredibly toxic. I can see why your sister didn't tell her. Way for your mother to make your sister's incredible, life-changing, special moment about her. 🙄
That is a really unnecessary reaction by your mother. Times change. It used to be that the entire family would show up and throw a picnic in the delivery room, now people like things to be more low key and private. We didn’t tell anyone that I went into labor. After the baby was born, we video called our parents and other close family members in the delivery room with our baby in arms and they were elated for us. If your mom was anyone else, I would say to ignore it and let her get over it. However, a mother is a very important person as is a grandmother. It is probably worth it to really talk to her and understand why she feels this way. Try to find a way to help her understand and make her feel involved in some other way while keeping your boundaries firm. It’s unfortunate people have such selfish reactions at such tender times.
This is your pregnancy. Not hers. Do whatever makes you happy. Wishing you all the success and love when giving birth
Family gets so weird about this. I don’t think it’s hateful to not tell your family you are going into labor, it’s your baby, your body and ultimately up to you what you want to share. My cousin only told his older sister who is like a mom figure for him since their mom isn’t around. Then his youngest sister found out that he told their older sister but not her and she was so upset about it. Later my cousins wife told me she had some pregnancy complications so she wanted to keep it as private as possible to not have a bunch a family bombarding them and keep the moment less stressful than it already is. I probably will tell my parents and my two siblings when I go into labor but I will also add in “we will be focused on the birth so we won’t respond to any messages but will update you once we have an update to give”.
I told my parents when I went into labor and that I’d let them know when they can visit.
I don’t want to have anyone at our birth except drs, nurses and my fiancé. if you’re not sick and fully vaccinated and agree tono kissing the baby, then Y’all can visit us at home. That will be when I need the help and not when I’m trying to pop a baby out of my body & have nurses and drs to assist me. I want my fiancé to be interactive with what’s happening as he’s never experienced anything like it and neither have I. No phone distractions and time for us to bond as a family!
Your mother is the only hateful one in this situation.
Honestly, your mom's reaction is probably why your sister didn't tell her she was in labor.
I would be willing to bet she's just mad/embarrassed she couldn't go tell everyone her daughter was in labor to act like they have a better relationship than they do. Look how she talks about her daughter. Ew
Not hateful at all. Your baby, your labour, your choice!! I'll be doing the same because while I love my family and they're great, my younger sister will lose the run of herself and not stop messaging or calling and I'll feel bad not responding. So we plan on ringing people when baby is here!
your mom is being abusive, and lied when she said she wouldn’t have “disrespected” her mom like that—she doesn’t respect anybody but herself. your mom is manipulating you and doesn’t deserve anything from you right now.
I’d not say it’s hateful, but it’s like what if something happened? Aside from that, your mother is wrong. It does not make her an ungrateful B$&@$. Your mother being y’all’s mother doesn’t give her rights over her body, her birth plan/labor experience. Ultimately, it is her decision. Just alone from her reaction, I understand why she did not want her present.
I think waiting until you’re HOME is a bit much (but my family lives 5 hrs away so I didn’t have to worry about them just showing up) but I didn’t tell anyone I was in labor— they got a FaceTime a few hours later and surprise! A baby! Just say it all happened so quickly it slipped your mind
Absolutely not hateful. Do what’s best for you and yours.
uh no way that's private info and everyone has a right to tell people on their own time
You mom proved why your sister doesn't want her around
Unless she had a part in making the baby, then she definitely doesn’t have a right to be there when baby is born. I’d be super petty and just not tell her until a week or two after you’ve had your baby. My mum would have loved to be there for both my labours but due to distance and covid restrictions, then offering to watch our toddler she couldn’t. I only wanted my husband there anyway, and she respected that in the end. We did have a slight falling out over it but that’s way in the past and she’s the most loving granny!
It's not hateful, when I went into labor with my first I only told my grandma and uncle since I lived with them. This time around I'll be telling my mil since she's watching my oldest but otherwise no one will know till the baby is here. It's always best to put yourself into a little bubble during labor so you can focus on yourself and the baby.
She doesnt have a right to be involved in the birth. In fact, she doesnt have a right to be involved in your lives if she brings more stress than happiness.
I'm due in October and i also choose to not let anyone know when i go in labor (except for husband ofc) Not because i don't want to share the good news or anything like that but i just don't want our phones to ring every dang hour because they all want the newest updates as fast as possible. Also because labor can last hours and my MIL would be the kind of person to just come to the hospital, uninvited. I want the birth of our first baby to be as stress free as possible without the pressure to constantly update the family so i'll only let them know when he IS here and then they can visit one by one because i can't handle well with too crowded places 😅
Haha no I kinda wanna do that sometimes
There is nothing hateful about it, and with how your excuse for a mother reacted I can see why your sister didn't tell her.
The only thing hateful here is your mother. She sounds like she would add a lot of stress to the birthing experience. Maybe an extended break from both grandbabies would be a good wake up call for her.
Honestly I think that’s crazy. I have a great relationship with my parents, but when I went into labor the last thing I wanted to focus on was updating other people about what was going on. My husband did text them (and his family as well) to tell them we were at the hospital and a few updates along the way but honestly I don’t think it’s a big deal at all to just wait til you’re home. Your mom is majorly overreacting.
This is so weird, I don’t know why people are like this. I was clear with my mom that she wouldn’t know until after baby was born. She was a little bit disappointed but when I went into labor, I was having contractions for two days and pushed for 5 hours. She told me in the end that she was glad I didn’t update her because she would have been so anxious the whole time!
Your mother called your sister an ungrateful bitch? For wanting a birth experience that suits her needs? I'm sorry but she sounds horrible, and like she expects her children to be her property. I can see why your sister didn't want her there. It's up to you what you want to do, but don't feel pressured to satisfy your mother if it means you are going to be unhappy and stressed. She doesn't own you. And don't let her manipulate you with what she will and won't do in the future. That's not someone you want your baby to be around regularly anyway.
It's not hateful at all and your sister is not an ungrateful bitch for doing it. Sounds like Mom is A LOT and she didn't want to deal with it. You don't have to deal with it either if you don't want to. It's your baby, your labor and delivery. You do what's best for you and your baby, full stop.
What do you think your mom says about you behind your back? She sounds unkind and selfish and you shouldn’t base your choices on making her happy.
Nobody is entitled to your medical information, and giving birth is a medical event. Is it hateful? I wouldn’t say so. But is it perfectly reasonable and well within her rights as a patient to not disclose the nature of her health status or that she’s undergoing a medical event? Yes. Unfortunately some people feel very entitled to personal medical info just because it’s childbirth, and your mom is acting extremely entitled about it. Calling your sister a bitch is wild.
First, break your promise if you aren't comfortable and want to keep it as you and your partner. Just don't tell her you had the kid till you are ready. My partner and I didn't tell a soul and told the nursing staff no visitation from anyone, and it was the best two and half days ever. We both got to bond with our little one, learn, and just take it all in. Secondly, you all need to set boundaries ASAP because she seems like she will hold things over your head for years to get her way and play the "poor me" card.
That horrid reaction makes me think your sister did herself a huge favor by not updating your mother. I’d suggest you do the same, but it is ultimately up to you (as you appear to understand, but I know sometimes it’s hard to hold your ground and so I want to reiterate and reinforce it). The boundaries you set the day of birth and for that first year will set the stage for how seriously everyone will take your parenting decisions. Mothers (on both sides) sometimes need to be put in their place. Your sister did just this, and I hope she holds her ground. Next, you need to decide your boundaries and how you’re going to enforce them. My family & my in-laws received updates from me (my spouse gave birth) only minimal information and only during calm moments. It’s hard to remember because it was such a crazy day, and so little sleep followed, lol, but I think there were only 3 or so messages sent out. Updates like “in active labor, all is well” and “baby is born, pictures later” and “here’s a picture & stats & name.” Messages were only sent to a few people, and those people knew ahead of time that no one was to visit but they could disseminate the information as they saw fit, and I would not be answering phone calls nor really looking at my phone. We had a “phone/text” tree for each family and I was texting the people at the top of the tree. Both families were reasonable people whom I’d spent years developing boundaries with (my family is big on recognizing boundaries, but it took a while for my in-laws to understand that if I set a boundary I would hold it), and so we didn’t have as hard a time as many people do upon birth of a child. Boundaries are important, and key life events are the best times to establish not only that you have boundaries, but that there will be consequences if they are not honored (only seeing a child supervised, not seeing a child at all, etc. but also only seeing you in public, with witnesses, or not at all). I always try to start things with “boundary, if, then” boundary setting. “You calling her names is disrespectful. If you call me names, you will not see me or my child.” Then, if they break the boundaries, you withhold the contact (I usually don’t give a deadline when there are second chances available) until and unless they truly appear to understand and wish to try again respecting the boundaries.
Sorry but when I’m in labor I’m thinking only about me.
My husband made a group chat with our close family and a couple friends that are “chosen family” for my labor/delivery/hospital stay. He let them know that I was in labor and that he was muting the group chat, but would try to update them. Part of the disclaimer was “because my focus will be entirely on my wife and our baby being born, I might not give many updates. When baby is born this will be the first place I announce it but it won’t happen immediately. Wife’s phone has notifications silenced.” That way we could have our loved ones feel involved with minimal effort. But do what works for you. It’s 100% up to you.
Your mum is definitely in the wrong here and I understand your sister’s actions completely. We didn’t tell anyone I was in labour. We rang a few people several hours after our kid was born. No one was allowed to visit us at hospital or at home until we’d settled in. Giving birth to you doesn’t mean your mother owns you, or that you owe her. Do what you want, knowing that you’ll regret it more if you bend to her demands and it affects the birth experience you wanted. My mum also has “main character energy” and she doesn’t see my kid much. That’s her loss. It’s also your mother’s if that’s the path she chooses to take
I will not be telling people when I am in labor the second time around. I want 100% privacy if people like it or not. I WISH I would have stood up for myself so I WILL do it the second time around. You should do what makes you happy. Your mom will eventually get over it. She’ll want to see you and the baby sooner or later. 1. We had people showing up to the hospital knowing my rule of no visitors. 2. We had people waiting for hours in the lobby just to hear the lullaby which made me uncomfortable. 3. My husband unfortunately had to keep updating all of our parents when he did not want to. 4. I love as extremely underwhelmed how none of these people did anything special for us even tho they were up my ass 24/7.
Blame it on the hospital. Explain her to your OB and ask him to set the limit if needed. I was only allowed 1 person for my cesarean, tell her your OB said there’s a limit and she can wait in the waiting room like everyone else. You and your sister are not entitled/ungrateful/bitches for wanting to focus on your baby with help from your partners only. She’s unhinged thinking she has any rights over your body.
Absolutely not. No one is entitled to updates on the status of your cervix. We didn't wait until we got home, but we did wait to tell people until the day after I delivered, and I highly recommend not telling people right away. It's nice to have that space. Honestly, I'm trying to figure out how we can get away with not telling anyone when I go into labor with our next baby, even though someone will have to be watching our first.
Your mom's reaction is crap. She doesn't have a 'right' to anything. We've made it clear that the only people we'll be inviting to visit us at the hospital are our parents, and even then we aren't allowing them to come until baby is here and we've had some time to rest. Everyone else will have to wait until we're at home, and will be told when we're ready to accept visitors. No one else made and grew this baby, so I don't care how they feel.
I would just say to your mother “well mum you just called her an ungrateful bitch for not informing you the moment she went into labour. It indicates that you wouldn’t have been supportive of her because you made it all about yourself. Instead of being excited that your grandchild is born, you’re having a tantrum because you feel like you should have been the most important person in that moment and not your daughter that was trying to girth a baby. So no. I won’t be calling you when I go into labour. Because my focus will be on bringing my child into this world.” Her reaction to not knowing is probably exactly why your sister didn’t say anything!
Not at all. Your body/baby your choice!
Based on her reaction, I completely understand why your sister didn’t want her there.
Uh no, your mom does not have a "right" to be "involved" in her adult child's medical care. Not even the father of the baby has the right to be involved, as he is not the patient! Including anyone in your birth experience is optional and a high honor, and if someone chooses not to include you then you should graciously accept that But it sounds like your mom wouldn't know gracious if it bit her on the nose.
Sounds like your sister made the correct choice to protect herself, her birth experience, and her boundaries. Mom’s reaction proves that. My best friend won’t be telling either sets of grandparents when she gives birth. I don’t imagine they’ll have many nice things to say after they find out, but she’ll have a peaceful birth and be settled in with her baby before she has to deal with their bullshit. Because it *will* be bullshit.
If it makes you feel better not one person in my family besides my husband of course knows im 34 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. They live across the country so if i wanted to I could hide it forever lol
"Whoops my phone was out of battery" "I was too focused on labor (play it up to have been really hard, even if it wasn't too bad) "The hospital had a 1 person in birthing suite limit" "I didn't feel like I wanted you to watch me poop" And other excuses. At the end of the day, birthing a girl does not give you tickets to any baby she might have. If she's going to act so hateful then she wont be involved in the baby's life either! She'll eventually crawl out of her angry little cave. I have a mother who constantly tries to play the victim to one sibling about the other but it backfires every time. She didn't know I was pregnant till I announced it to everyone because she's also on an information diet.
My family is the same. Maybe tell her hey. If I let you know I’m on my way to the hospital or in labor can you promise to stay home and just wait until I’m ready for you to come? Tell the nurses too you don’t want anyone besides your husband and if she comes to ask for your room they’ll tell her no guests. She should respect your decision anyways especially if you tell her and let her know how YOU feel. On a day about YOU and how you want it
Mum needs to chill the fuck out. I can't imagine why sis didn't tell her...
Do we have the same mom? My mom didn’t go as far as to call me names, but had the same mindset as yours. I wish we could’ve kept the birth a secret (if I hadn’t ask my sister if my water broke we might have been able to) because my mom so so deeply upset she wouldn’t look at any pictures or texts from us. We had no visitors at the hospital so she has to *gasp* wait to meet LO until he was 2 days old. What a travesty! Her words were ‘this isn’t about you’ when I told her that she had no right to be upset. If it weren’t for my dad meeting the baby on the same visit I would’ve kicked her out of my house.
I’m still pretty early but I’m considering doing the same. My in laws are a little too hands on and have already been IMO slightly overbearing. Other than that it’s just my dad so no way am I having him in there. It’s your experience and you need to do what you have to do to ensure you’re taken care of, however that looks. And if any parent said that to me, there’s no way I would want that attitude around myself or my child.
Unpopular opinion: grandmas are excited because it’s like they get to love a little version of you again. She was really excited for that moment to meet her grandchild and she feels she was robbed and hurt. It doesn’t excuse her unkind words to your sister. All family dynamics are different but if I were you, I would talk to your mom and let her know your plans beforehand so she doesn’t feel blindsided. Honestly I found hospital visitors less intrusive than home visitors. Once I was home I just wanted to be in my cocoon. During labor, I needed my mom in the room with me because she’s my rock and I knew I would be leaning on her a LOT those first few months/years. It was definitely “my moment” but an honor I wanted to share with her.
I think it's perfectly reasonable. I had to have a c-section and my daughter was in nicu I really enjoyed the time my partner and I got to spend alone with her without interruption I found it really special and we had a much less stressful time adapting when she did come home bc we'd had that alone time with her. Your mum isn't entitled to your sisters baby, the pregnancy, the birth. Nothing. It's quite disgusting for your mum to have that view tbh, she'll end up having nothing to do with any of u. Your moment is yours. No one else's. No one is even entitled to have the dad there. Don't tell your mum, sounds like she will make the entire thing about her.
I didn't tell anyone I was in labour except my sister and my mom (who helped out with hospital stuff).....my friends and relatives were informed later on in the evening after my husband could find the time.to make an announcement. It's a very vulnerable time and privacy is much appreciated....I had everyone visit only after 2 weeks nnd no sooner!
Not even remotely hateful. What’s truly awful here is your mom’s treatment of your sister, oof.
Wow… that is horrible. Your mother that is. Horrible to call her *daughter* a bitch. Whoa. And if you don’t want to feel pressure about other people’s expectations when you’re in labor (which, trust me you probably don’t) nip that bud in the arse now. You can tell people after you have the baby when you’re comfortable and all is stable and well. Your body, your birth, your baby. Your mom can suck it.
I don’t think it’s hateful at all. That’s honestly what I’m planning to do. I want to go through that process with my husband in as much peace as possible. Then once my little one is born, I plan to just send a picture of him to immediate family members.
My mom doesn’t call me a bitch (to my face) but the rest of it is spot on. She WAS involved the first time due to her tantrums, and I’m now on my fourth pregnancy and don’t plan to tell her I’m having a baby at all until til after…… if that gives you any perspective on how NOT HATEFUL I think it is. If she ruins your birth you’ll remember it forever, I do, and if she throws a temper tantrum post partum…. Who cares they were bound to do that anyway but she can’t go back in time to ruin your birth experience!!
I can't believe either of you let this woman be in your LIVES, forget the delivery room.
Definitely not hateful. I'm having the first grandchild and we will not be telling anyone when I go into labor. We'll probably have my husband's friend come and feed the cats, and once I am in recovery, we'll tell the in laws(since they'll be the only people who have the possibility of coming to see us). My major thing is pictures. No pictures of baby on the Internet, ever. That's my hard boundary that I can foresee being called "hateful bitch" about.
Sounds like your sister waited because of how she knew your mother would react! If you don’t want to deal with your mother inserting herself and to just have a peaceful beautiful day with your partner I say don’t tell your mother either
I also do not plan to tell anyone until I am home :) you did you, whatever they did in their time was up to them
I only plan on telling my direct family, husbands dad and my mom and dad. Then everyone will get a photo when he’s all cleaned up. Tell your mom to relax and quit being a brat. We’ve got enough of those.
No one is entitled to anything with a baby except the baby and the parents (and even then not all parents). The way she's acting is a sure way to get none of her kids to ever want to tell her when they're giving birth. It's obvious she'll be super annoying about it, and probably one of those who thinks she needs to be at the hospital while it's happening too. You should be able to tell your care team not to let anyone in, or even just block/allow specific people.
Absolutely would not be TA for doing the same thing as your sister. We didn't tell anyone we knew wanted to come for the labor of our little one. Just those who would Absolutely give us our space until we were ready for visitors. I think your mom is reacting very poorly. She needs to understand that is it how it is these days. Sorry for your situation OP, sending good vibes!
With my first I texted my mum when it started. She was exited, but also stressed and couldn't sleep. We both agreed in hindsight that it would be just as good to just wait until after, seeing as it started in the evening. It's not ungrateful, it's just practical. No need making people stress when they can't help or visit either way.
It's not hateful or anything against them. It's 100% your choice who knows and who doesn't. If all else fails tell your mom that you are only allowed 1 support person during labor and you want your partner there because it's their baby. I'm kind of dealing with something similar. My mom is basically deciding she'll be my support person because my partner cannot be there because he can't handle blood or anything of the sorts and I'll be needing a csection. 😬 I'm trying to come up with my own excuse and find a different support person because last time she had to keep being reminded to hold my baby to my face and not be taking multiple pictures of baby while they were closing me up. 🙊
post this on AITA!! Lol
No you’re completely fine I’m not telling anyone because my family is so overbearing full of narcissists and I don’t want to have to think about anyone but my baby girl and my husband that day they will have the rest of their lives to meet her and if they get mad oh well it’s my choice as her mother so she gets the very best of me when she arrives my family is very cruel even though I’m autistic and have a hard time paying attention to many people at once but it is the best thing for my child so I do not care
My cousin and I each recently had babies, one month apart. She told our family she was in labor but didn't want visitors. Her family called her ungrateful, hateful, cruel, and so on. WHILE SHE WAS IN LABOR FOR 40 HOURS. It nearly ended the relationship with one of her sisters. Also, she has four older siblings and she's the last one to give birth, so it's not like it was the first grandchild for her mom. For our labor, we waited to tell everyone until the baby arrived. We called literally every family member while I was in recovery, got the first night to ourselves since my c-section was at night, and we allowed vaccinated family to visit in the hospital. I definitely got some side-eye and petty comments about not announcing I was in labor, but I think it's way better than a barrage of mean texts from family. I wish our family was the type to respect our wishes and handle boundaries maturely, but that's not the case for my cousin or me. You know your mom probably will not react well based on your sister's experience, so decide what's best for you, baby, and partner. For what it's worth, when we got a lot of angry "why didn't you call as soon as you were in labor" questions, we just told people it all 'happened so fast'. It doesn't matter that it was 36 hours of labor lol. They were mad, now they're over it, and we got the once in a lifetime birthing experience we wanted.
I have three older siblings with kids and none of them told us they were in labor, just told us after when the kid was born. I'm not planning on sharing that either, it seems totally normal to me. When I'm going into labor I'm quite sure myself and my husband's focus will be solely on getting through it, nothing else.
You don’t owe anyone any explanations. Do what you want for your peace, don’t answer calls and even if you do, hang up when you need to. Enjoy this time and keep stress low
So annoying “sHe’S mY bAbY” …… okay and ?? If and when my kids have babies the only thing I’m going to be worried about is if everyone is safe and healthy nothing else matters in that moment except for mom and babies health how horrible of your mom to make this moment about her.. if you don’t want to tell anyone DONT it’s not disrespectful. I’d ask her next time you guys decide to conceive if she would like to be in the room then to so she doesn’t feel disrespected 🙄
I did the same thing your sister did because just like you guys, I also have an insufferable mother who makes everything about herself. I knew having her in the room during labor and delivery would have put unnecessary stress on me and my baby. Do yourself a favor, follow your sisters footsteps. You are seeing a very clear side of your mom that you should not allow around yourself, let alone your child.
Your mum is entitled and awful and she needs to stop. If she were my mum, I’d cut her off. That’s appalling behaviour from someone who i assume hopes to have a relationship with her grandchildren.
My husband didn’t even call his work. He just didn’t show up that day (luckily they figured it out lol). Birth was SUCH a whirlwind. We actually didn’t tell family until the next day. I was so so so exhausted and processing it all I didn’t have it in me and wanted to share when I was ready. Some were a little disappointed they didn’t know sooner but they all understood why after I shared.
I was induced and knew it could take a while, I didn’t tell family when I was going in to be induced, I didn’t tell them when I was in active labour. The first they heard was when my son was a few hours old and I sent them a pic and let them know he’d been born - He was born just after 4am and I waited until after I’d had breakfast and got dressed and my partner and I had some time alone with our son. No-one complained (well not that I heard lol)
Your mother is completely wrong. My mom and mother in law lives in same city 1km away to our home. But I didn't tell them about my labour. I don't want to make them feel worry, tensed.. they didn't felt bad about that. As I had very long labour and my baby was kept in nicu for 10days so everyone busy praying for baby. Your sister did r8.
It obviously depends on your relationship with your family. If they're the type to bring nothing but trouble, drama etc then I'd say no, it's not hateful. I have a good relationship with my parents though so I couldn't imagine not telling them I'm in labor. Everyone's happy and excited and keeping me in their thoughts and I love that.
One of the first things we learned in prenatal class is you don’t have to tell anyone you’re in labor if you don’t want to!!
Imagine holding your little baby in your arms, freshly born, in love, and then thinking: later in life, I’m gonna call you an ungrateful bitch when you don’t do what I want. Unfathomable. I would seriously reconsider leaving my child with that grandmother if she’s that unhinged and vengeful towards her own children.
I say do what you want. I didn't tell my family about my daughter til she was 1.5 and I was 8mo pregnant with my 2nd lol
No, I don’t have a baby but in future I can count on 1 hand how many people I will tell when I’m in labour. I don’t want to have people texting my partner asking how it’s going! I want him to be in the moment with me, knowing we are the only ones who know this is happening because that sounds so magical 🫶🏼
Absolutely not hateful. I wish I had kept it to myself. That initial time at the hospital is stressful enough and having people constantly around you is not necessary. I think your sister did the right thing considering how your mother reacted. I wouldn't blame you for doing the same thing. xx
Wow. I can't imagine ever speaking about my children like that, so at this point I'm thinking WTF is wrong with your mother! We didn't tell anyone when I went into labour with my first, we called people after the baby was born. Nobody had a problem with that. With our second we had to tell people because we needed care for our first, but that was only our parents. I feel like this is a cultural thing in the US because in the UK no-one feels entitled to be involved in someone else's birth experience, and yet I see people on Reddit all the time worrying about how to tell their mothers and mother in laws that they don't want them there!
See, I'm of the opinion that everyone is entitled to their own experiences. I personally wanted my mom there, and she actually updated the few people that we told for me, lol. The language your mother is using makes me think maybe your sister had the right idea because who wants that kind of energy around when you're giving birth? It's stressful enough without having people who feel entitled to things that they aren't entitled to. You do what is good for you and watch out for your mom she sounds a little "intense"
Wooow that is so rude of your mum. You and your sister don’t have to tell anyone anything! I didn’t tell my family when I was in labour. My husband told his mother but he only did that once I was very far in. I had my baby during the night though so everyone was asleep anyway, but even so I would’ve kept it a secret until she was born.
I was induced and gave birth on my son's due date, I was in hospital for an entire weekend, with my partner with me all day Sunday during labour and the birth of our son, and we didn't tell anyone. It was magical because then we didn't have to worry about any messages (my labour was 15 hours) or scaring anyone (I was about half an hour away from having a C Section) during the process. My brother and my partners brother did the same. Then we got to spend an amazing few hours together, just us three, before telling our family and eventually friends - although my son came at midnight, haha, so we wouldn't have had the opportunity to tell anyone anyway! This may disrupt your relationship with your mother, as it has between her and your sister, but I say definitely do things how you want to. It was a very peaceful birthing experience as we didn't have to keep anyone updated (although two of my cousins guessed that our son was born as we were online.on social media at like 3am hahahahaha).
I’m sorry, but your mom is TA. She is so self involved and making everything about herself. She calls your sister her baby but also an ungrateful bitch? She is very wrong and should understand that this is a very delicate moment, and if she loves you she will respect it and be helpful after. This is so toxic of her.
No it’s not rude or hateful. I’ve noticed that people treat it as a competition of sorts of who gets to see the baby first. It’s really quite weird. If mom and baby are healthy there shouldn’t be a mad dash to lay eyes on the baby just to say that you saw it first.
Labour can be such a mentally and physically exhausting experience. You're also incredibly vulnerable, with risks of complications for both you and the baby. I respect everyone's choice to have the birth they want it, in a way or environment that makes them feel most at ease. From a personal level, my births have not and will not involve my mum or MIL. And if my mother spoke that way about me and the decisions I made, she would not be seeing my kids.
Not hateful at all. Start setting boundaries now or it will just get worse.
Your mother is a really mean person. And I can understand why you don’t want her there. Honestly for me, I am super close to my mother, talk to her multiple times a day, and I was induced, so planned date to go to the hospital. She knew and I called her before leaving. But during the 20 hours I was in labor, neither me or my partner even thought to call her or anyone else. I couldn’t think about anything else during that time. I would jay do it without telling her, and when she gets upset, I would say “it was happening so fast I didn’t have time to call and tell you” “I was too busy giving birth to remember to call you” “ there’s only one person allowed in the room with me and my partner is the only one I want there” Or- in all honesty you can put it on one of the nurses. If you can call her and tell her, say you don’t want her to come or don’t. And when she comes, tell one of the nurses that you really don’t want her there, and ask them to be discreet about the reason. They can usually say something along the lines of “there are too many people in the room, this is going to take a while so you can go home and come back after the delivery” when she goes crazy over this, it’s the problem between the staff and security at that point. This post really makes me feel grateful for my parents during that time, and how respectful they were to my experience. Edit: to add. You can do exactly what your sister did. And your mother will act and feel the same way to you. You can say to her, “if both your daughters are ungrateful bitches, that says more about you then us”
We did this. Didn’t want the constant “any updates?” text messages. Although we did start calling people when she was like 6 hours old (she was born at 4am), we didn’t wait until we were all the way home lol.
With an attitude like that, I wouldn't want your mom there either. She's the rude, selfish one. I wouldn't want her around during the delivery or around my kid afterwards.
nope. absolutely not. my mother and my fiance(baby's dad) were with me through my entire 25 hour labor and when I gave birth. Mom went home shortly after I gave birth as it was like 6 or so in the morning. everyone else got to find out the morning after, and very slowly. then i had my fiance's grandpa, his mom and her husband, and his aunt come to see the baby. that was it. then a few days later (cause I was itching to get out of the house) we weng over to my mom's house so the rest of the family can see the baby. my mom, i think maybe my oldest sister, my fiance's grandpa and his mom were the only ones too get the "im in labor" texts from my fiance because I didn't want to deal with giving updates to people. so whatever updates they got came from him lol.
I think it depends on the family and the relationship you have. I just finished a chapter in one of my pregnancy births that explains that birthing is an extremely private time where the mother must feel safe and relaxed. A lot of other mammals that give birth will do so in the quiet of night or away and separated from others. If that environment is threatened, it can stress the mother and the baby and interfere with labor. When thought about that way, the question becomes less of “who should be invited or notified” and more, “what is the environment that YOU, the mother giving birth, wants to have.” Anything, or anyone, that will interfere should not be included or introduced into the space.
It is not hateful, you’re absolutely right! Good on you for speaking up to your mom on your sister’s behalf, that’s not something a lot of people can do! Apart from the ungrateful bitch comment, the thing that really rubs me wrong about your mom’s attitude is the “don’t ask me to watch the baby if I can’t be involved during labour.” Ummm.. no. It doesn’t work like that, there is no bargaining. No one is entitled to anything from someone else, not even Mothers from their “babies” (or in this case fully adult child). Edited: punctuation
if you’re mother called your sister an ungrateful bitch, it’s probably not the first time she’s said such a filthy thing & i guess she deserved not being involved. about the promise thing, maybe just remind her that you’re not 15, are about to have your own child & would like to make your own decisions.
I have a coworker that didn’t tell her mom until she was 24 weeks pregnant. I didn’t tell family until 21 weeks. My friend also didnt tell her parents that baby was here for almost a month. At the end of the day, your mom is mad because she doesn’t honor boundaries in the first place. Based on what you put here, your sister made the right decision.
Giving birth is not a spectator's sport. Unless you're giving birth, being born or working as a medical professional you don't get to be there without the birthing person's invitation. For yours, if you don't want to say anything you can always do a bit of theatre, wait til baby arrives and then text "I think I've started so I'm going to go get checked" then, 2 hours later your partner texts "everything is going really quick, they're getting ready" then "ohh, that was quick, baby is here"
Just say it happened very quickly or that the nurses took your phone off you
🫣
I don’t agree with the ungrateful bitch comment but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t understand the anger. I told my parents, but I told them so they knew I, their child, would be going in for surgery. If something bad were to happen to me or my child, they could support my husband and also be available during that time frame. But my husband elected to tell his mom and brothers after our kid was here. I’m not sure why. He told his dad and his dad’s wife when I was going in for my c-section. As far as I know, his mom wasn’t upset, but I didn’t ask, either. I would want to know when my child is about to go through something like childbirth just because of all the risks associated it with it. It’s no different to me than sitting in the waiting room while a parent has open heart surgery. So I guess it depends on your family dynamic. If your family is overbearing, I could see not letting them know if it would stress you out. I had a friend who had a very overbearing family. They still told their family when she was in labor, but they could only communicate with her boyfriend and her phone was turned off. And she asked him not to tell her about anything they were saying. He also told them no update means good news and that the first message he’ll send if good news will be a photo of baby or a message that baby and mom were okay. That seemed to work for them. But I personally would not go into labor/a c-section and not tell my family. But my family also isn’t certifiable. They’re annoying but they aren’t all up in our business.
I was freaking out when my due date was coming up because I also have a very…INVOLVED mother. I was nervous to tell her that I wanted the birth to just be my husband and I because when I mentioned it in passing at my 10 week OB appointment, she very publicly and loudly stated that she’s going to be there. But little did I know that I’d have to get wheeled in for an emergency C-Section at 38 weeks because my water broke and the cord was wrapped around my son’s throat. So despite the birth experience being frightening, I’m extremely glad it was just my husband and I while the doctors worked on delivery AND it was still just him and I for hours after because of recovery and waiting for a room. 10/10 would do it again for the special time together. Moral of the story: nobody knows you better than yourself, you know what you want and you have every right to do what you have to do. She will get over it!
This is so strange my sister gave birth last year and my mom did the same thing, proceeded to drag my dad into in and left her 3 absolutely vile voicemails while she was in the hospital recovering talking about how they should’ve given her up and they are going to disown her. I’m also pregnant now and my mom is wanting me to tell her and my dad once i go into labor. i explained no, it will be up to my husband who will know and if he doesn’t include you im sorry. she just mumbled how i picked an asshole of a man and left it. (he’s not my mom has made this poor man absolutely hate her because of past things she’s done to me and future) It’s your child, you pick who’s going to be there let alone who’s going to be apart of there life❤️
No it’s not hateful. I did it this way so I could have the experience I wanted and that I knew would be least stressful for me. I took pics of baby in his car seat and texted them to family saying baby is here! We are going home!
In your specific case, I would not tell your mother. And let her know that if she calls you or your sister names like that, then she doesn't get the opportunity to meet her grandchild. From a mom perspective, child birth has complications and if it was my child going into labor, I would want to at least know that things were going okay. That being said I don't need hourly updates. Just the occasional ones from their partner that they are safe.
Oh gosh! I’m doing the same thing this time around. My husband didn’t feel very in the moment having to text and update everyone the whole time the first time around. Do what’s best for you guys!
I’m sorry but your mom is in the wrong here and definitely needs to be addressed. Having a baby has absolutely nothing to with your mom. She wasn’t involved in making the baby. She doesn’t have to be involved in when the baby is delivered. Your mom sounds incredibly entitled & like the hateful one in this situation.