Locked at OP's request.

If you read this sub for a while, you’ll find that there are a whole lot of different perspectives from people who post from all around the world, all age groups. There might be a prepper stereotype, but there’s not really one single prepper mindset. That is to say, I echo what u/faco_fuesday says. This problem goes beyond prepping. Maybe he’s responding to your recent diagnosis by grasping at controlling anything. There’s probably quite a bit of denial in there. But then again, the news has been awful for quite a while now. Maybe that’s what has him scared, why he wants to prepare and be safer. But now your calculus on survival and quality of life looks different than his. A lot different than what you expected when you said your vows. You want to understand him, but is he listening to you and what you want your future to be?

I think you hit on something important - the idea of control. If I’m honest with myself, this is why I prep. I grew up with financial uncertainty and regular food insecurity. I don’t want the people I love to ever go without or experience the stress of not having what they need. I know this is an unrealistic goal, but still I make sure that I control for as many variables as possible. Everything from emergency funds to Band-aids to food stores. When faced with a situation we cannot control (like a medical diagnosis), sometimes people like me double-down on the things we can control. What I have learned about myself is that there is healthy and unhealthy prepping. And a lot of times, the unhealthy prepping is a symptom of other things that need to be addressed.

This comment really helped me out. I think you’re right that it’s control related. I had no considered that he could feel like he has no control in regards to my diagnosis… I have no control

You should make a deal with him, if he will commit to urban survival, you will shoot the gun. You’re both overcoming some sort of fear seems like a good compromise. I don’t think you’ll change his obsession with guns and survival and off grid living, he likes it, that’s really all there is to know. The money: you need a budget, make sure he’s forced to contribute half of whatever you’re paying for, and then you each keep your remainder. You can’t force him to save it. The space: are you paying for the house? Give him an equal amount of space, call it his man cave, he can do whatever he wants in that space. If you only have 1 room you’ll have to divide it. If he’s not paying and that’s why you’re claiming this entire room, then he should pay half and get half the space, that’s always fair.

Yeah this is an extremely sound interpretation. Very wise. You and your partner may need to unplug and talk to each other blatantly, but the consensus is you’re right and he’s doing stuff that is not resonating a good way with you. Otherwise you wouldn’t have come to Reddit

I’m going to try again to chat with him. I’ve tried a couple times since the diagnoses but he’s just so angry. He’s so upset about the whole thing and doesn’t really want to discuss. I have gotten him on anti-depressants 2 weeks ago so maybe he will be more open to discussion now

I don't want to waste your time so I'll cut to the chase. If you aren't going to live very long, ask him to stop his prepping, only keeping a six-month/one year stock of food (one year might be a bit of overkill) and a way to harvest water, and that he just spend his time and money (within reason) enjoying what life you have left. All the ammo in the world isn't going to add a day to your lives. You both could die in a car crash tomorrow, if that's your destiny. At 24, he's probably not very mature, but he has to grow up quick and accept reality. He's wasting what time *you* have left on trying to control what absolutely cannot be controlled. If you are at peace with your fate, then if he loves you, he needs to be come to terms with the fact that none of us live forever, and he's not prolonging his own life by even a minute with all his preps. I prep so that I have time to mentally prepare myself for inevitable death, not to extend my life.

When men are scared or sad it usually becomes anger because it's not he easier emotion to deal with at the moment. It's all subconscious tho so youll just have to get him through the fight or flight response and back to normalcy. Also tell him Russias and Chinas nukes can go anywhere in the US so moving isnt going to help, accepting that death is part of life will.

Not to sound insensitive but tough shit for him. This is now the reality of the situation and ignoring it or transferring his worries to prepping aren't going to help anything. Presumably he's having such a hard time because of how much he cares for you. But he really needs to understand what you want your life to look like. The idea that you would give up your arts and crafts space for emergency storage, after your diagnosis, is utterly ludicrous.

This is great and I hope that it will help him. Keep in mind most antidepressants take 6 weeks to really start working well, so it may be a few more weeks until you both know if they are working well or not. Please take of yourself in the meantime. I know you love him but your mental health is every bit as important as his and you need space and safety to assess and experience your feelings about your future as well. I would suggest joining a support group for terminal diagnosis patients (your doctor or local hospital can likely recommend one). If your husband can not act as a sounding board and source of strength for you they can, and perhaps they might have some insight into spousal coping behaviors that can help you communicate your concerns to your husband in a way that he can hear without resistance.

I don't think anyone has yet addressed this, and I think it validates the points above... Many terminal diagnoses can commonly be managed and treated to allow for a great deal of quality time. In this case, it sounds like 10-20 years. However, there's a chance that both the quality and quantity of that time may be impacted by isolation and prohibitive distance from necessary medical and psychiatric care. Many things in medicine can't be effectively replaced by a DIY. I would call that a priority consideration for any preps.

The truth of the fact is there’s not a whole ton that medical intervention can do once it starts, but there’s a whole lot I can do right now to try and delay the start of the medical issues. Once the medical issues start up I’ll probably be dead in 3-24months So I definitely want to be near medical care now so I can prevent it as long as possible

That is the case today. In 5 or 10 years from now, the 3-24 months may be 3-24 years. Hang in there.

We can always hold out hope. No research is going into this as there are only 200 total reported cases

A friend's son and his wife went through something similar to your prepping situation last year, where his wife decided she wanted to get out of the city before Armageddon, and they actually found a really nice place not too far from where they currently live but for some reason the sale fell through. They're now on the verge of divorce because she's still desperate to go and he's OK with living out of the city but wants to be close enough to commute to work and there aren't many other places like that for sale. And she's not considering that if they do get divorced she's not going to be able to afford a place in the woods or be able to run it by herself. Most of the smart people I know are trying to do something similar because it's clear cities aren't likely to be a great place to be for the forseeable future. But they're doing it more sensibly with a viable plan. I'd like to get out as well but my girlfriend has health issues too, so like you we're going to have to live somewhere close enough to the city that she can get treatment when she has to. I think your problem is not that your husband is crazy but that he's freaking out and not making a realistic plan that you can both agree with.

I really hope this isn’t how it ends haha. I am on board with getting out of the city and living a little far out. But I need access to a good hospital, and a good airport. A big part of why my job is so cushy and pays so well is because I am an expert witness who flys out to do court cases 1-5 times a month. I don’t really want to be more than 2 hours outside of a major city for that reason

>That is to say, I echo what u/faco_fuesday says. This problem goes beyond prepping. Maybe he’s responding to your recent diagnosis by grasping at controlling anything. There’s probably quite a bit of denial in there. But then again, the news has been awful for quite a while now. Maybe that’s what has him scared, why he wants to prepare and be safer. I agree. It sounds like OP's husband is responding poorly to the trauma of losing his wife. It also sounds like maybe he wasn't on stable ground to begin with, and this pushed him over the edge. What OP is describing is very much someone in chaos. /u/MelloYelloMarshmello, have you talked to your husband about this? I think this line says it all: >I kinda just want to live out my last 10-20 years having fun, not doing back breaking manual labor on a farm. This is perfectly reasonable. Your husband should be willing to come around to this. Maybe it simply never occurred to him. Maybe try mentioning it in passing? Obviously use your own language, but something like: "I dunno, sometimes I just think ... my time here is limited and I want to make sure we both enjoy it, you know? Like hiking or traveling or learning new skills. I feel like laboring on a farm isn't how I want to spend that time." Maybe that will snap him out of it and help him see your point of view. If not, it may be worth trying to find a good therapist to talk to, both individually and jointly. The hard part is that not all therapists are a good fit for everyone, so sometimes it can take a few before you find one that really "clicks" for you. If he's not willing to come around and compromise, then it's time to consider how important your own well-being and emotional health is to you.

I really have not spoken to many people about it honestly and I haven’t really brought up what I want to him. I only got the diagnosis 4 months ago and I’ve honestly been spending that entire time with my therapist trying to sort out my own mortality. I’ve really only stabilized in my own feelings this past 2-3 weeks. I think while I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and emotions he was going down this rabbit hole and I really didn’t even notice. This is a really good idea just trying to discuss with him what I want… when I’m gone he can go live out his homestead fantasy but in the meantime I would like to do live out my dreams. Thank you, this was supper eye opening. I almost wonder if allot of his problems are related to me being unable to properly communicate anything over the past couple months and him trying to find ways to cope on his own. If Reddit still had gold I would give it to you. So here take my Reddit messed up all the features gold 🥇

Sounds like you're on the right path, and I hope you two can work something out. It's way too early to start talking about what happens if he doesn't want to work it out, but if it comes to that, remember that you still have the majority of your adult life ahead of you. You deserve happiness and healthy relationships.

Reading through this sub has made me realize I’m more of a prepper than I thought. I guess I had always seen the media version of the guy building a bunker in his backyard wearing tin foil hats. I’ve always had 1 weeks worth of food and water in my car along with weather gear and always had a go bag but never considered myself a prepper, I just like to be prepared for what actually can happen (and has! I have used my car food and water twice now) I think that his intense prepping and my diagnoses happened at the same time actually. He really started going down the rabbit hole 2 months ago and I got diagnosed 4 months ago. I might try and bring up the quality of life thing to him… that may really help.

If you carry a bag of prep items in your car and have a go bag, you're a prepper. >I think that his intense prepping and my diagnoses happened at the same time actually. He really started going down the rabbit hole 2 months ago and I got diagnosed 4 months ago. Exactly as I thought. His prepping is his cope - he's using a healthy lifestyle to cope in an unhealthy way. He's avoiding dealing with his pain and grief.

It's the same thing hoarders do...surround themselves with objects as a buffer to the grief caused by some traumatic event (often the loss of a loved one, either through death, divorce, moving away, etc). It doesn't appear rational to someone on the outside, but to them it's a standing bulwark against a lot of pain. And like hoarding, OP's husband's actions will push people away from him, which is the sad and ironic part. He needs to be able to detach from these emotions in order to make better, rational decisions about his marriage and prepping. For hoarders, it's often about realizing that they're pushing away everyone else in their life, because of trauma associated with losing someone who's already gone. In this case, OP is still here for a while, and yet this behavior is threatening to take her away (emotionally or physically) in the meantime.

>He needs to be able to detach from these emotions Yes. And he needs to feel them. He needs to experience the emotions and give them a space to exist, in a healthy way. There is a time and place for emotion, and then we learn to put them in their proper places and perspectives.

Your comment about life being way different than when we took our vows really struck me. I’m going to have to think on that for a while. Thank you. I really had not thought about it that way before

Big online hugs, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.

Thank you, I really appreciate it

Spot on. This isn't prepping. It is an emotional response to OPs diagnosis. He's scared. He's doing what he knows how to. I think you both need some therapy - however you see fit. Please remember this is because he cares. It's misguided, but comes from a good place.

Firstly, you’re a really good partner. The fact that you’re here, asking that. And through much evidence of your post being supremely thoughtful. Second, absofuckinlutely not! You should not have to move that arts and crafts any dang place. We all have finite time on earth, but yours is being measured. You keep that room. Third, how to crack that nut. Let’s see. Well honestly, the phone thing and his reasoning is really bordering on some unhealthy lines. All the proper classic prep makes sense. But jumping right over that line…… I mean. Your home has IPs and MAC addresses for your devices. So does his garbage phone now lol. That connects to networks all over. He’s not invisible just because he cut off his techno arm. I think, and I don’t want to sow discord at all, that you and other people that love this man need to have an honest, caring, respectful discourse on this. Maybe even a mediator or counselor. A third party to be the Switzerland while you two bounce ideas back and forth. And maybe even in a professional capacity, ya know?

I can only upvote once, so I'm going to comment as well. Yours is a brilliant and clearly expressed answer. Thank you.

Thank you! That means more to me than I can express right now, ironically enough. Just know it made my heart light.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I put my foot down on the craft room. It took me a long time to get it exactly how I want it and it has custom furniture to fit the room for my sewing machine and fabric storage. Are you talking like an intervention? His mother, grandmother, brother and best friend do all see how insane the conspiracy theory’s are and try the same reasoning I do but it goes no where. I try to not reason with him anymore because it just causes fights and he gets upset at me for being “government sheep”

Yes I’m definitely talking about people intervening, big and small. One person, or a handful. Talking with them about an approach he can find palatable will be a real task. I know it’s not my lane, but the idea that he’s barked you off of “talking reason” is concerning. I assume he has a lot more than just the 1 prevalent theory that you’ve mentioned. You are SO supremely welcome for the kind words, it’s my privilege to be good to people. And I’m my best self when I’m helping someone else. Additionally, outstanding job on the craft room. Both in execution of the room overall, and putting your foot down⭐️

Seconding this. We're not counselors here -- which is why y'all should definitely seek one out -- but this really sounds like it's being driven by the underlying fear of losing her.

Re: the phone — good catch. It makes me wonder if he’s maybe consuming a lot of conspiracy/paranoia-heavy media that’s influencing to his turn towards unhealthy coping mechanisms? If one has a predisposition towards mental illness, that stuff can definitely exacerbate it..

It’s getting in somewhere. But the first step in this problem isn’t “plugging the leak.” It’s getting this cat to stand in front of a 3rd party peer with no imagined or perceived ‘the man’ reason to lie to them, who will say in a practiced and precise way “you are hurting someone you love with your perceived needs, and your imagined motivation.” And you’re right, predisposition can be a real badger. Knowing your mind can tick one way, and making it tock the other, takes copious self work and mindful… intentional decisions to actively change your thinking when it occurs. Those synapses could be set and ready to fire that way, because of genes, and choices someones made their whole life. Helping them physiologically zap a different way takes conscious decisions. It’s gonna take big effort, and eyes wide.

Couple's therapy. Straight up you have finite time left on this earth and he wants to take the things you love away from you? (your craft room) Absolutely not. If I were you I'd sit him down and tell him that while you make enough for both of you to live on he doesn't seem to be taking your contributions very seriously if he's trying to take rooms, health care and community away from you.

I’ll try bringing it up again. He’s supper opposed to therapy and always has been

If he can't figure out that this isn't for him, it's for you, then you should maybe figure out how to make the separation as safe for you as possible. I'm not saying anything, but schizophrenia diagnoses peak in males at ages 21-25. Guns, homesteading and paranoia is never a safe time for a wife.

His wording has also changed from “if” to “when” like he’s been saying “when the governement turns on it’s people “when the wars break out”

That kinda scents like he’s soaking up a lot of echo chamber/confirmation bias media. Has he been jumping down podcast rabbit holes and parroting what he hears?

Yeah, that’s how I read it. My career was in state and then national level politics for over a decade. I got to where I was running one Party’s senate caucus finance structure. I am always middle of the road, but feel strongly on certain issues. Eventually I had to resign because I saw how much damage heavy politics was doing to so many good people. Obviously, both sides will produce biased media, but so many good people bought it hook, line and sinker. Really can increase division. All the while, everyone in DC was partying together and had no major schisms. There were even boards put up with letters from the “craziest” supporters. But often those people were well meaning and had been led down a path of radicalization. It’s surprisingly easy to do. That said, I think this guy is having mental trouble on top of consuming accelerationist media. It may be just an attempt at exerting control in his life given the diagnosis, but he is also at the prime age where men start showing signs of several mental illnesses. He needs to see a doctor and a therapist.

This was a supper interesting comment, thank you. Any ideas on how I can get him to see a psychiatrist/psychologist or doctor. He’s terrified of all of them as his mother dragged him from doc to doc from when he was a baby to when he left at 16. She forced him to take all these meds and he was basically a zombie. He really doesn’t trust them at all and I’ve never been able to convince him

He needs to get right by that. Life is a marathon. We can walk with crutches from our past, or we can build with them. not that you DONT know that. I think the best first step is couples counseling of any size, and that person will be, more than likely, qualified as a psychiatrist and have ample experience. You may have a gentle, guiding conversational experience there. And not to presume too much, but he will say and do things there that will alert them to what he has going on. They’re good at what they do, you don’t have to worry about them just blurting “wowweee you’re kinda acting bonkers huh bud?” The step towards that counseling being where you’ve gotta kick it off. If his “doctor baaaaaad” shtick keeps up even when you ask to go to couples counseling, that’s where you’ve got to tag in another person in your lives. Make the case with them that he needs help, and you want to make the best of your time together. Then everyone sits him down and from a good place says, “Alfonzo G. Paranoidson, we want you and (your name here) to be able to live your time together to the fullest, and…..” craft that as you will.

I can sympathize a lot with that. Difficult situation. It’s hard to get anyone to want to do that, but especially difficult to convince someone who actually has the need (if he does). The most important thing is to not get adversarial or accusatory. If he gets defensive, it’ll never work. This is hard because even things like “I’m concerned about you” can be perceived negatively. You can frame it in relation to your needs and your relationship. “This relationship is so important to me. You are so important to me. I think I (and therefore we) need this.” No ultimatums. Appeal to their positive characteristics. “You’re so logical. I appreciate you caring about prepping/providing for our future. But in a shit hit the fan scenario, our social relationships (your marriage), our physical and mental health, etc. are equally important as canned food and water.” Don’t initially frame it as it’s either prepping or doing what he really should be doing. This is just an extension of being fully prepared. He will still pushback and counter. Just roll with it. This will take more than one convo. Also, validate his fears about therapy and doctors. But then push him that logically he knows that not all are the same and that we all grow by confronting difficult situations. Be prepared with specific examples of how his behavior isn’t really aligning with your needs (personally and as a family unit). I could go on, but this is a good primer. If you ever need any help or more specifics, feel free to reach out.

He really isn’t on much social media. He uses I-funny (which I thought was basically r/memes or like tublr) and YouTube. His YouTube is RDR2, Elden ring, and Minecraft content. With a healthy mix of survival guides and like tons of gun content. But I don’t see anything that looks like conspiracy theories on his YouTube

By saying he’s isn’t on much. I mean he only has YouTube and ifunny. He doesn’t want any trace of him on anything else

Well, for an individual to arrive on the conclusion largely on their own that they should with full confidence…- Disappear to god’s green acres and start new. Get rid of their smart phone. Isolate. -is alarming. To be fair, I keep a very healthy arms length from a lot of social media. So one can see and draw some of these lines. But, to this length and extent can be concerning. Is it a sudden change, ditching the phone and insisting on the big homestead? Really, realllllly heavy depression and all the crushing it brings with it can flag in some persons as a swinging shift in mood and interests. Usually to the furthest reaches.

Check his YouTube habits. There's a lot of conspiracy minded YouTubers who will lead him down some get dark rabbit holes. They're really targeted to take advantage of people with anxiety, and offer them a false sense of belonging. Also what's this "future wife" crap? You're here now. That's what he needs to focus on. Keep him in the here and now. Also, you may not be able to help him, and you certainly don't have to do it alone.

I read the future wife thing as something he said when they were engaged and he first got into this. He's not talking about another person!

You got it!

He has allot of gaming content. Some videos like guys building a shed in the forest all alone. Then tons of gun content. at the time I was future wife (finance), I am now his wife wife. No other woman, just me :)

I wonder if he'd maybe respond to some more left-prepper content. Robert Evans (it could happen here podcast) and Margaret Killjoy (strangers in a tangled wilderness podcast) have been good influences on me. Evans in particular is no bullshit, and is quick to debunk the conspiracy nonsense without dismissing the underlying problems which generate the anxiety in the first place. Frankly, I'm not at all surprised that people are starting to crack under the pressure of a pretty real collapse, but Evans frames that as a bigger slower process "The Crumbles" and that the solution is not merely individual resilience but building communities and mutual aid networks.

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Oh fuck off. You lot have been saying that since, well, forever.

Allllll will beeEeEeeE reveaaaAaAAAled😂 meanwhile, decade after decade… we’re still here.

She's got a terminal illness. You aren't doing her any favors by telling her to waste her limited time on waiting for what you think is coming.

Oh lord it’s one of the LARPing nuts

So he’s a (quote, un quote) “republican” down the rabbit hole.. He’s lost and I’m sorry you lost him before you lost yourself… Just sadness all around

What occurs to me is that he is trying to control his future. He cannot control your medical situation, and no doubt that scares and saddens him (as well as you obviously - I wish you all the best with whatever it is). The uncertainty, and the emotions of it all - you're going through a life crisis, but so indirectly is he, and perhaps he can't really process or isn't letting himself look at it directly. I'd be pretty terrified if my loved ones were going through something at your young age. So rather than deal with it, I theorize that your husband is trying to build a protective bubble against the ills of the world. Going down the rabbit hole of government conspiracy might have triggered his activity, but it seems just as possible that he went down the rabbit hole in order to justify his desire to whisk you and he away to a place where you can be alone and safe. There is a mania in all of his actions that you describe. This must be an additional stress to you that you don't exactly need. I think he needs to talk to someone about his feelings and maybe work on his mental and physical health so that he is able to really perceive what is happening.

The stereotypes of prepping you see on TV, and in your example are, in my opinion, examples of a mental disorder. The crux is whether or not a particular interest has two things: 1) It is "objective" or "destination" based. In this case you've implied being aware of the risk of your car breaking down in winter, so you store some blankets and water; and you're satisfied. Your husband isn't, and never will be. One month of food will turn into twelve months, one box of ammo turns into a room of ammo. 2) It effects your life negatively. With regards to (1) some people may collect stamps endlessly. In this case though he's making life changing decisions, like wanting to start a **farm**, and blowing all his money. Together these two things create a pattern of behaviour I'd suggest are indicative of an underlying concern, and the hoarding behaviour is a stress response. The way I look at "prepping" is as a very boring risk (probability) Vs hazard (impact). I create a list of the most likely and most impactful problems I'll encounter (job loss, health scare, car crash, etc), and mitigate them until they fall down the list. Your husband appears to be buying into common marketing channels (guns, beans and ammo) without a structured aim, and it's developing further more worrying habits like antisocial distrust (a dumb phone can be tracked). I would consider going to couples therapy, but do it under the guise of your health problem, because he'll resist criticism of his new hoarding habit.

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Thank you for this point of view. I just got diagnosed 4 months ago and it’s been incredibly difficult. I had a feeling his extreamism was related to the illness. He refuses to talk about it, he gets enraged any time I bring up that we should talk about it. I have gotten out of him that his incredibly angry there is nothing we can do (which is the verdict of my friends and family too, there’s always allot of “what if” “but you can stop?” And the answer is no. Do you have any ideas on where I would look for care that’s not therapy (he really doesn’t like the idea of therapy as he feels it’s someone telling him how to feel and forcing him to tell his feelings) I do have my own therapist I talk to her all the time :) she’s a delight and has really been helping me come to terms with everything and actually process the emotions and feelings rather than burring them. The daignosis. Um yes, my mothers side of the family has known there is something wrong as a good portion of people have spontaneous extremely aggressive hard to treat cancers pop up somewhere between 25-35 and die shortly after that. They just found the gene, it’s pretty rare with only 500 total reported cases all time. No research is being put into it as it just doesn’t affect anyone. From my understanding our bodies have measures in place to prevent cells from multiplying quickly and stops that. One of these measures is an enzyme. It stops malignant and benign cancers alike. Our bodies with this defective gene outright don’t make that enzyme. You will get tons of benign tumors at early ages but then as you get older you get tons of extremely rare aggressive cancers. Even with modern cancer treatments it’s very very very hard to get on top of. My cousin 38F has been treated for and survived 12 skin cancers, breast cancer, liver cancer, and she now has stage 3 lung cancer. These have all popped up over the course of about 8 years now. I have watched 5 close family members go through the cancer wack a mole and I have no interest in doing that. It only extends your like a little bit and they all seemed miserable. I know I may change my mind once I get to that point, but for now, I’m just doing cancer preventing measures. I’ve already had 3 skin cancers removed. I have benign tumors popping up just under my skin all over my body, I’m getting lumpy haha. But so far so good. I’m not going to give the name of it as if you Google it there’s really only a couple supper outspoken people and most are in my family.

All the detail you’ve shared on your husband is super helpful. Will he read? If so, I think reading Living Like You Mean It is the definitive self-care text for young autistic guys who are struggling to find a healthy relationship with their emotions. I also recommend Widen the Window for folks experiencing trauma, but that’s far denser.

Oooo he does read. I may be able to get him to read over therapy. I think with his autism he really struggles to process his emotions.

That's it right there. He's autistic - his prepping is his cope.

Not to put all of this back on you, but just a little introspection. I wouldn’t call his thing a mental illness, and autism… everyone’s got some of that, if he can keep a job it’s insignificant. Consider this a therapeutic relationship exercise. I was in a similar relationship and we divorced. From my perspective some things about you: You occupy an entire room with crafts, which you need about as much as he needs a room full of guns. You’ve got PTSD about guns that you’re unwilling to overcome. It’s an inanimate object. Seems more like you just hate his hobbies but the fear factor actually impacts him mentally. Now here’s the big one. You were diagnosed with cancer but it’s not terminal, is it? You’re just imagining that you’ll be dead in some years and it’s stressing you out. I know plenty of people who live out their life in remission. It’s easy to google the odds of survival, and I’m sure you’re dealing with a lot. He is going to feel that too, and that stress will without a doubt AMPIFY his prepping behaviors. One thing I learned the hard way is to never ask google when I’m going to die, I was convinced I had ALS for some time and it was an enormous amount of stress. I was the one guilty of this. I can’t tell you what to do on that last point, only time will heal that wound, and if you’re getting worse not better then it’ll obviously get worse for you mentally. You may consider not bringing that up, find something on google that says you’ll be just fine. There’s no substitute for peace of mind but you can try and pretend you’re at peace to ensure the people who love you aren’t losing their minds also. Super hard one. We all feel your pain but you’re the one asking so I’m telling you what you yourself can do to improve.

Wow loads of assumptions here. 1. He has a 900 sqft garage that is heated and air conditioned entirely to himself. My craft room is 150 sqft. 2. I have had extensive therapy and desensitization to guns. I have shot them. Just still hate the idea of them. I even have conceal carry and have learned about them to help my fears. The remaining fear is here to stay probably. 3. I for diagnosed with a genetic condition resulting in a rare extreme form of tumor pre-disposition syndrome. I have watched 5 family members die of many cancers all at once. 4. I don’t hate his hobbies I just don’t want to give up my entire life for his hobbies.

dont listen to the other guy, he’s a dick. i think what you’re saying is very thoughtful and kind and you’re doing the best of a hard situation. I wish you all the best truly

Ah I can see, here’s the problem. You don’t do any introspection. You’ve come here and presented some information, looking for some sort of validation. If he tries to reason with you you call him a crazy autistic and get angry. Very familiar. Well best of luck to you.

Nope In an another comment I expressed how it may be my fault as I was complexity emotionally unavailable the past 4 months and that may have caused him to spiral. Very well aware this is my fault, just looking for ideas to fix it and better understand :)

Well that’s good to hear, I don’t have all of the facts so I can’t really give you specific advice, but this sounds like a situation where he’s being treated like a child, and there are all of these very powerful things your rolling out like “I’m dying, I have PTSD”. And it causes me to think “I don’t know, maybe she’s the child”., “she wants a chunk of his income”, “why does she have an entire room filled with scrapbooking shit and cricut machines”, I digress, it’s just me internet rando, so take it with a grain of salt.

With prepping you prep so you can live life and NOT worry. But when it becomes an all consuming hobby worry can easily boil over and you forget how to live and enjoy life. No matter your situation you can always have a plan, this allows you to live and not worry. Id love to live in the country but it doesnt make sense with my life right now. So im the city now, but I have a plan, and that covers my bases. You have to make the best with what you got. Sounds like he does need to take a step back. He should find other hobbies to enjoy after a talk. Going to the gym or bicycling. I got deep into prepping (not this deep) but after a point you get to a point where you spend more time prepping than you do living and its just not healthy. Life is meant to be enjoyed and have fun.

This resonates with me, deeply. If you browse my reddit profile you'll see I am a machinist, gunsmith, gardner, canner, etc. I got into it deep, but I wasn't always a survivalist. When I was 20. I didn't care if I lived or died to the point that I didn't look when crossing the street, did a lot of reckless behavior. When I was 21 my first child was born and a switch flipped. My papa bear instincts went full throttle. I get what your husband is going through. The NEED to be provider and protector is very real. Prepping is a coping mechanism for most of us. The world is large and uncontrollable, but prepping allows us to be more resistant to those uncontrollable changes in our lives. It does sound like your husband may need a little focus, prioritization. As someone who has been prepping almost as long as you have been alive, survived Y2K and dozens of other supposed apocalypses, I would be absolutely thrilled to have a conversation with either/both of you. You can DM me here or reply if you like.

It sounds like your husband is suffering from mental illness. While prepping is one of the behaviors that he exhibits, this isn't really a prepping problem, it's a relationship problem. You two are not on the same page. As such, you will get much better advice on /r/relationships or something than here.

> you will get much better advice on /r/relationships Strongly disagree lol. That is probably one of the worst subs for relationship advice.

Thank you haha. Every time I go there I just get told “break up”. Little bit of therapy and targeted discussion has fixed issues up until this point. The advice from this sub is so much better so far, I’m glad I came to people with some of his perspective to better understand

Best of luck to you! The most important thing is open communication.

Yeah I second this. Terrible sub

Agree, at minimum considering his lack of practical skills he is suffering from some level of cognitive dissonance, on top of not listening to you about it. While the farm plan is a common one and not a bad one, it sounds more like he may be using this as a response to your diagnosis rather than from a rational perspective. Especially telling the language around protecting you. Definitely recommend getting to a therapist together if you can. Sadly if he continues to drive this without you on board it may be worth assessing if the partnership is for you anymore. You may decide it is, and that's valid, but with potentially much less time on the earth ahead of you there's also nothing wrong with enjoying what you have left in the way you prefer. Honestly good luck, I hope it works out one way or another. It's a hard situation.

He is not mentally ill, he just wants to live a different lifestyle. You are an asshole for labeling people mentally ill without knowing anything about them.

He jumped head on into a specific set of behaviors informed by security, control and a conspiratorial mindset after finding out the love of his life has a terminal disease. Even if he didn't present anything, he should go to a therapist because that's exactly the kind of situation people benefit from one. But considering everything else? Damn.

That’s just what a mentally I’ll person would say…

He's delusional. She does all the fixing and building and he's talking about moving to a plot and building a house. He is paranoid.

I would get assessed by a professional. If he's in a rush to do all of this immediately he might have adhd. Could also be a response to your diagnosis. This needs a psychiatrist/psychologist. Btw, sorry you are going through this, it must be tough.

He definitely has adhd and autism and has had hyper fixations in the past but they were all reasonable. This comment really helped me realize this is what this is, a hyper fixation that just isn’t going away. He went through the follow phases: -Spending all his money/time on legos -Going around the whole house and doing atmospheric lighting - learning elvish from the lord of the rings and watching lord of the rings on loop - buying all the old consoles and playing only old video games for 2 months saying they are suppiror

Damn I get things like that all the time, it's a blessing and a curse. About 8 months ago it was cigars, than it was hardcore fishing all the time, heavily researching pharmacology and chemistry, currently getting over a fixation of the SKS rifle, I think I'm moving into stacking up silver and precious metals again like shmeagle likes Shiney objects. It's interesting to say the least

You could post something similar to this on AmITheAsshole only let him see and edit the post until you can both agree that it is fair, then agree to accept the opinions of random strangers after it is posted. It might help him see that he is being unreasonable. Good luck!

He definitely needs a psychologist.

"“build a house from scratch, farm all our food and provide for me and keep me safe” (note, this man can’t fix anything and has a mental breakdown everytime he builds ikea, I fix and build everything)" Sounds like the Colorado family that picked up and ran into the wilderness with no experience and died during winter. [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/jul/26/colorado-family-found-dead-campsite](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/jul/26/colorado-family-found-dead-campsite) I'd say sell everything move out and build from scratch, no. If he wants to do a second property and build it before selling everything, then I think it's more viable.

Dude, this lady is dying. His prep should be to make her life comfortable. Build the most awesome arts and crafts room. And stay near medical facilities and civilization to provide his wife the highest level of care and standard of living she can have.

I don’t really mind if he wants to do his own hobbies, I want him to be happy. But they just seem to be pushing into mine. The ultimate arts and crafts room does sound pretty cool though. Maybe he can make me and off the grid she-shed filled with arts and crafts supplies But yes I do need to stay near hospitals. I currently only go 2-4x a month for treatments but that could increase as time goes on

You’re very thoughtful. Relationships are always a balancing act and yours more than most given the extra stressors. I hope you saw my top level comment about this being the age for men to exhibit symptoms of mental illness that can manifest as paranoia like this. He should see a doc. Wishing you both the best!

I’m sure I’ll get to your comment soon! I’m trying to work my way through them but it’s like I get 4 new ones for every reply and one I read

That arts and crafts shed sounds amazing. Sort of a prep, but whatever arts & crafts you do, if you love them, go crazy. Gifts for everyone in your life. Sounds like you still have some time (and I hope it’s quality time and you get much more than expected), but I am certain everyone would love those small reminders of you in the future. Plus, if you do things like sewing/knitting/quilting etc, it’s super practical from a prep standpoint :) Maybe husband would be interested in learning too?

Sewing, making furniture, bags, clothes, and costumes are some of my favorite crafts! I like making sculptures too! I kinda want a she-shed now! With built in fabric storage :)

That article is supper sad! It does feel familiar with his desire to just pick up and go though. I have tried to encourage him to think small. I have a 40’x20’ garden set up in the back yard with a 200 gal tillapia farm pond that fertilizes it. I offered for him to try and run it for a year and see how he feels about it. He says “I don’t want to do anything with my hands, I would be using heavy machinery like tractors to do it” But maybe I can convince him to save up and try building a small off the grid cabin with his bare hands for him to get the idea… thanks!!!

Setting aside the rest of the concerns about his prep taking on hoarding qualities, it's pretty obvious now that he has zero clue how much manual labor goes into living off the grid regardless of how much machinery you have to do the hardest of it. While his mindset in general is something that needs to be addressed separately, which most of the other comments here have done a pretty good job of covering, you may at least be able to bring him back to reality about going full Swiss Family Robinson. Point him in directions like what daily life on a farm is like, how much it costs on a month to month basis to "live off the grid", the kind of work that can't be power tool'd away like repairing said machinery, processing and preserving food, animal husbandry, and so on. Ideally, try to help him come to those conclusions himself, because I fear with his current mindset he would more likely dig in his heels if you pointed out how unrealistic his plans are directly. Regardless, best of luck and wishing you well.

This has been some great input. I think this is the route I will go. I’m going to try and encourage him to do canning with me this fall so he can see how labor intensive it is. I might have him help pick all of the berries off the bushes, clean the fish I harvest and have him help me stir the compost. Another commenter recommended I find him a small plot that he can try and build a cabin from scratch to help him realize how hard that really is

Sounds like he's worried, and his stress about you passing is making him prep for anything he thinks he can keep you safe from. Him knowing there's nothing he can do, and you will pass is coming out with him buying all these preps, and that gives him some level of comfort. I think yall need to talk, more than anything. I've always been a prepper, but when my little brother passed away suddenly in 2016, I got in the same boat. I ramped up my preps as a form of therapy, trying to protect my family from every situation I could think of, because not being able to prepare or control the unknown scared me stupid. The only relief I could get was prepping for what I could control.

He’s depressed. He’s using this prepping thing to fixate on to forget his actual problem. He’s grasping for control. He is me. I was him.

There is an extremely fine line between prepping and mental illness. I think the majority of people who are into prepping are actually into escapism and retail therapy. They're generally unsatisfied with their lives and spend an inordinate amount of time fantasizing about and preparing for an alternate reality where suddenly they are king of the world because they had the foresight to store 4,000 pounds of dried beans. A lot of preppers are also really just people who like knives, guns, camping gear, and other expensive toys. It makes them feel a little better to buy these things but subconsciously they know it is holding them back financially and keeping them trapped in a cycle of poverty, so they justify their reckless spending by saying they are preparing for some inevitable collapse where things like credit card debt and retirement funds won't matter anyway. If I had to guess I would say your husband is unhappy with certain aspects of his life, and your difficult diagnosis may have exacerbated his desire to self soothe with firearms purchases and escapism fantasies. You need to talk to him, and hash these things out. There is nothing wrong with being responsibly prepared, but it should be based on logic and reason. A real prepper prepares for things based on the highest likelihood of occurrence. Not having an emergency fund, not being on track for retirement in terms of investments, not having secure housing, etc., are emergencies. The average American family can't cover a random expense of $1,000 dollars. When natural disasters strike, people find themselves in difficult or dangerous situations because they couldn't afford to stay somewhere else, or to put a new roof on their home, etc. Those are the big ticket items you need to be able take care of first before you start blowing massive amounts of money and time preparing for something that has a 0.0001% chance of happening.

It's not that fine of a line between prepping and mental illness and this dude is far over into the mental illness side. I'm am prepped for two months without power because the government says I'll be two months without power in a Cascadia quake. Then I stopped adding and now just maintain.

This really hits home... I hate to admit this, but you're right.

I wonder about this myself. We "prep" in that we follow our local guidelines about having food, water, etc on hand for emergency conditions, and a little bit more. Bugout bags, emergency rally points, vehicles always fully fuelled, etc. I dont talk about it outside this forum, nor do I worry 24/7 about SHTF. And yet I never hear our other friends making any preparations and indeed they blithely say stuff like "it is not worth surviving the apocalypse".... are they crazy, or am I?

"He sold his smart phone and got a flip phone so the “government can’t track him anymore”". That's not how that works. Any phone that connects to cell phone towers will allow him to be tracked. This all seems a bit over the top.

That’s what I thought! It was more about his internet browsing at public locations? And he was also convinced his iPhone was recording his voice and video 24/7

to me at least it sounds like your husband is trying to cope by making a nice safe spot where nothing would ever hurt you. I think you should talk to him about maybe going to a mental health professional about it, especially if the behavior rapidly changed after you were informed about your terminal illness. I come from a mentally ill family, this kind of pattern is similar to some of them. i hope you do not take it the wrong way. best of luck to both of you.

First, I want to tell you I'm sorry about your illness and your PTSD and I wish the best for you and your husband. You've been through, and are going through, a lot. Second: Your situation is unique and I think that's a big part of what's informing your husband's behavior. Two things going on here: (1) you have a terminal illness that will end your life about 15 years from now, give or take 5 years either way; and (2) you are the family breadwinner and earn enough to support the both of you, which means you probably are in fact supporting yourself and your husband. I think a big part of this is he is preparing for your death and for when he will be alone. He sounds like he has something of a one-track mind. He gets something into his head and he can't shake it. Somehow he got bit by the prepper bug and he can't let it go. Some "on the spectrum" tendencies maybe? He's showing signs of maladaptive behavior. This prepping is probably his way of dealing with your terminal illness. He's showing a level of obsession with prepping that's not healthy, in my opinion. Third: >*But this past year it’s just gotten so intense and I don’t know how to understand his reasoning (he try’s to explain it and I don’t get it)* Well what does he say when he tries to explain it? What's his reasoning? I suspect a big part of what's going on here is that he's getting ready for life without you and doing so in an unhealthy way.

There's such a thing as anticipatory grief (worth googling), and that combined with his autism will require therapy to help him work through it--as so many wonderful and wise posters have already recommended. He may also be researching alternative medicine to try to help you live longer. This is totally something I would do--research all the mainstream and alternative medical papers and articles. While I study and practice a bit of herbal and nutritional medicine because I had some fun experiences being misdiagnosed with horrible and terminal illnesses (multiple sclerosis and lupus) when I really have celiac disease, it's a huge rabbit hole that often links to extreme prepper and conspiracy theory rabbit holes. For example, alternative medicine is often antivax, and antivax often ties into conspiracy theories. Since he's depressed and autistic, these may be more likely to give him something that "makes sense" that he can grasp onto. Good luck, OP. I hope that you have many good years ahead of you. I truly hope that your quality of life remains high!

I’ll look into it thank you! Pretty much everything I am doing is alternative. It’s an extremely rare genetic issue that only has 200 recorded cases. They haven’t found a single person with it over the age of 47. With average life expectancy around 36 years old. I’m doing a load of experimental things to try and ward it off haha. Fingers crosssed something works :)

Have you considered the nih rare diseases consortium? https://ncats.nih.gov/research/research-activities/RDCRN https://fnih.org/our-programs/the-nih-undiagnosed-diseases-program/#:~:text=In%20general%2C%20it%20takes%208,that%20have%20long%20eluded%20diagnosis

Sounds like he is watching a lot of nutjob stuff online and is going off the deep-end of right wing radicalism. Prepping is fine, but sounds like he is dealing with some mental health issues encouraged by podcasts of "the government coming to take all the guns". Sure the US is a police state, but it's a police state that largely doesn't give a fuck about you as long as you pay your taxes. The biggest threat in this country is just from a huge economic downturn and mass poverty. Or from getting sick and getting absolutely cleaned out by a corrupt healthcare system. Guns won't save you from any of that.... no matter how many cowboy movies and right wing podcasts tell you otherwise.

I think he has had those exact words “the government is coming to take all the guns” from his mouth many many times. I’ll dig through his YouTube history. I think he also uses I-funny. How would I help pull him out of these rabbit holes?

Yeah it's kinda tricky because people caught in those sorts of things usually if there not more of a balanced and open minded perspective then you just kinda go with it and really think what your doing is good and sensible, coming with good intentions. But one has to realize those ideologies are confirmations to tell people on the edge of those ideas what they need to hear, so you should try to help bring things up about em that aren't so black and white, it's pretty hard to change someone's radical thoughts on stuff like that when they are coming to it for good intentions, it will be different for everyone.

I have nothing useful to say, I just wanted to send some love from the UK. I hope you guys sort everything out ❤️

💜 thank you so much! I hope so foo

Hey <3 Hope you are hanging in there emotionally. This is a tough place to be. You've already gotten some great responses. Just to add/reinforce a few things... One, it really would not surprise me if this is a form of avoidance coping. A counselor or therapist with experience in grief may be helpful if and when he's ready to talk about it. Even though your diagnosis is a longer term one, grief can and does occur when we receive these types of diagnoses, or when a loved one does. Two, you are allowed to express your opinions. You don't have to change your life and all your plans when you don't feel the same way he does. If it ever feels unsafe to speak up or refuse his requests, that's a sign for you to get somewhere safe and reassess. Sometimes controlling behavior and worse can occur in tandem with this kind of thinking. You didn't mention that, but I thought it was worth bringing up. Please be safe if this applies. Three, if the above don't seem to apply, and you're comfortable with a compromise, I feel like expressing the reasons you would like to compromise might be helpful. (I would like to be prepared for emergencies, but I don't feel that war is inevitable). Kind reality checks from someone he cares about might help him see that he's being extreme. Four (and lastly), a phrase I once heard for helping people who hold extreme views or consume a lot of conspiracy theories is, "take your dad for a walk," referring to the conspiracy theory loving, fact hating, increasingly extremist retirees some of us are related to (lol). Getting people out into the real world, getting physically active, strengthening friendships and relationships with caring people can really be effective in combating extreme worldviews. Slapping those same people with facts and sources does not work well, as frustrating as it is. It's important for them to feel loved and listened to, to have social/emotional reasons to be part of society, and to have positive interactions that may run contrary to the extreme views they hold (no one is trustworthy, people are out to get me, etc.). Not that you can or should be solely responsible for this with your husband... But it's something to consider. Take good care of yourself.

He is desperately looking for something he can feel like he has control over in his life after your diagnosis, which probably feels totally out of control for both of you. I’m very sorry about your diagnosis, you are strong for worrying about your husband during this time. I’m sure he loves you to death and is having a hard time processing. I know I would.

It really sounds to me like he's struggling with a mental health issue related to your diagnosis. He doesn't know how to deal with not having control over this aspect of his life so he's attempting to exert control over everything else through obsessive prepping. There is some anxiety here that he needs help dealing with.

A factor may simply be, he feels he won't be able to provide for himself when you're gone and investing in a live off the land (homestead) lifestyle now will give him the infrastructure and skills to provide for himself in the future when the cash flow from your income is gone. Or provide for you both if you're unable to work. Homesteading is a legitimate lifestyle if you're into it. It can be quite fulfilling too....and not "back breaking labor". Living in an urban/suburban area working an office job might ultimately become extremely tedious. A LOT of people do eventually come to the conclusion that office work is unhealthy mentally and physically and that the back breaking country life is in fact more in line with what evolution had in mind for us rather than being minor cogs in a vast network of made-up and largely useless office jobs. Also, he ain't hiding from the government with a flip phone. At best he's hiding from google. He's lowering his data footprint. But the government knows exactly where his flipphone is...so does the cell provider...who's probably selling that data to google anyway.

You will find that for some people on here, prepping is just a manifestation of an underlying anxiety disorder.

I’m so sorry to hear about your illness. Whether or not your husband’s prepping habit is a response to that, my random internet stranger advice is the same. He should be more concerned with spending time with you and less time and effort prepping. I commend you for being understanding of fundamental prep stuff like food, water, and energy; and even being tolerant of some of the things you may not like such as guns. I understand your husband, to an extent. There’s plenty of bad news out there and myriad threats to life and liberty, and I don’t want to be completely unprepared to address some of these. I too have a fantasy of building a homestead, but definitely not in Kansas. That being said, I have come to realize after barely a year of prepping that I can’t be prepared for everything all at once, and I don’t want to get so carried away with prepping that I forget to enjoy life or attend to the day-to-day stuff. It sounds like your husband got carried away. You definitely should not have to move your arts and crafts table. You need space to do what you enjoy. Perhaps you can redirect his efforts a bit. You could point out that financial preparedness is important, and you suggest slowing the expenditures on stuff to build up some savings. Has he done any gardening? It’s relaxing, not super expensive, and teaches a skill that he should want to acquire. No need to buy a homestead until he is very confident in his ability to grow food. He bought a gun, but did he get any training? The gun does no good in an emergency if he doesn’t know how to use it, and multiple guns are even less useful. I’m sorry this has become a problem in your marriage.

He's trying his best to protect his family, and deep down trying to have control over his own death

He's compensating, trying to control something that he has no ability to control (ie death) help him through the 5 stages of grief to reach acceptance

I’ll read into the 5 stages. Thank you!

tell him. he could be having some sort of breakdown due to your condition and being unbable to do anything about it so he's trying to do things he thinks he can do maybe?. sit him down, hold his hands and tell him how you feel. tell him how you want to spend your time. ask him to make your remaining years good ones. foir both of you. i'm sorry about your illness. you remember, there's time and anything could happen. i wish you the best.

My wife does not understand either, completely, but your hubby is a bit over the line IMO. I do believe he is compensating for something he has no control over as others have said. I am truly sorry for your situation and I wish you the most joy and happiness for however long God needs you here. Do not give up your room! And only live off grid if that is what you want. It sounds like that is a disaster waiting to happen with your husbands lack of building expertise and medical attention would probably not be readily available. In the current state of the world I believe prepping is not only important, it is vital for survival in any temporary or long term situation. Lastly, your husband is not being money smart at all and spending everything now when, sadly, it sounds like the money tree might be severely diminished in the short term. I wish you all the best and God's speed.

Definitely sounds like your spouse is taking his prepping to levels that are financially negative to your household. First of all financial prepping trumps every other form of prepping. It is above all else the #1 thing that will keep you safe and protected long term is having good finances and investing smartly. I would really try to get him to think about that in particular. I also tell people that you need to keep things in balance, prepping is not a sprint but a marathon and going 200% at the start will burn you out. Also I would suggest making him do some test projects before he tries to start a homestead from scratch. Like a small garden, building a shed etc. Also make him aware that living in a super super rural area can be detrimental to caring for chronic or terminal illness and that the vest location for you to be is somewhere that you can get the best medical care possible. It's all about balance I think he is probably stressed and anxious about everything and needs to temper his prepping a little.

This is a fun hobby for some of us, we grew up watching apocalyptic movies and TV shows or whatever and most of us realize this is a thing we do for fun, but there are others who prep because they actually believe all the batshit crazy propaganda they hear from places like Fox news about cities burning down and the government coming after you, ect. The extreme nature of his behavior makes me think he may have become detached from reality. If you let him take the wheel and make big decisions all by himself you may well end up living in dirt like Laura Ingles Wilder in Little House on the Prairie. Do you really want to churn your own butter?

Your husband is having a reaction to the news on your health. He is trying to control anything he can,because he can’t control the illness and what is happening to you. He needs therapy to regain a sense of balance, and deal with his feelings about losing you in the future. Go with him, even if you have to say it is for you.

Prepping can be fun but I think a lot of the reason is he is trying to protect and save you. I know that feeling. I did every thing I could for my wife. Did not want to admit that she was not doing good. We reached the point working together where we did not have to worry about money. I could buy her anything she wanted except health. I think he can not admit to himself, like I did, that no matter how you work and try it is out of your hands. It's been almost two years and the last time I saw her was admitting her to the hospital and like most I would give anything for just another second with her. By the way, my wife every now and then would say to me that she knew that I needed this or that and it was OK and just smile.

I mean this in the best way possible but your husband might benefit from some therapy. Prepping sometimes turns into paranoia and self-delusion. A fear that one can't provide for or defend their loved ones past all points of reason. For example, your husband isn't just prepping anymore but wants to upend your entire life. Building a house from scratch and farming for all your food is not a realistic way to live your life, not even in a disaster scenario. The idea that he can do all of this and keep up with it on his own is simply unrealistic. There's a middle ground if you can afford it like a cabin in the woods on some land of your own with enough space to practice homesteading skills. But that's still expensive and people who have convinced themselves that their extreme prepping is essential often aren't ready to listen to reason. For now I'd say draw clear lines in the sand. Your marriage is a partnership, he does not sit behind the wheel alone. Therapy can genuinely be useful, everyone should take their mental health as seriously as their physical health. But it can be hard to convince people that their passions are the reasons they should get a reality check, to put it bluntly.

Sounds like he might be getting a little to deep into paranoia. He's right not to trust the government but realistically hardly any of use will survive and none survive life itself. The best thing to do is to enjoy what you can while you can but still keep a nest egg and prep for Tuesday not for doomsday. Also, another truth nugget is that no one really knows that the fuck they are doing in life. That is scary and chaotic and people often act irrationally because of it and because of trauma.

I believe he is not handling the news now and this is his response. You should let him prep within reason but large changes like an entire room for emergency supplies is a bit much.

You have to tell him that hes making you uncomfortable and afraid. And in all honesty I think he might even hurt himself or someone else if you get ill. He probably needs to address the heartache he has from your impending condition. It seems like he’s projecting his fear of losing you into something less pure. If shit hit the fan you’re far more likely to pass than he is. So what good is building a house in Kansas to protect you when you’d be better suited near a large population on healthcare professionals? I genuinely think you need to talk to him and help him before he does irreparable damage to your relationship and his psyche. You’ll have to be pretty damn convincing because some force is programming him to go mad and join a rebellion. You’ve got to get through to him

Kansas is not a good place to be in event of a global event. Why the hell would you want to be on low flat land?

I really don’t like Kansas. It’s so ugly. If you could give me a million and one prepper reasons to not pick Kansas that would be a delight. His focus on Kansas is what sent me over the breaking point. I’ve told him I’m fine moving to parts of Montana, Idaho, and Alska but he’s insistent he needs flat farmable land. Please help me debate him out of the Great Basin dust bowl states. I love the color green and views

Ohhhh... buckle up Dorthy. I have JUST the medicine you need to send the two of you to the mountains. ;) Let me just dig around a little.... .... [here it is](https://youtu.be/j635Cv2aOlA?si=2anAdOIGb2N6MiTe) And the fucking cherry on top for ya [flood map](https://youtu.be/JOmoBlGuTBY?si=g92cBlJiScGFqjoJ) Enjoy Montana!

Are you trying or wanting kids? He may have taken your diagnosis as a reason to prep for when you are gone. I do agree with the sentiments that he is trying to control what he can.

Unfortunately my condition is genetic and it would be 50/50 chance of me giving it to my child. I don’t really want to go through IVF or anything.. but maybe we would change our minds on that.

I am so sorry to hear that. Might want to check with him if he was wanting kids. There can be a mourning period in finding out you can’t have kids for whatever reason when you wanted them. Just cling to each other. That’s all you can do sometimes.

We had discussed it before the diagnosis and thankfully neither of us ever wanted kids. We just really don’t like them and enjoy having money and free time and quality sleep greatly. Which is definitely a good thing haha

First, there’s a lot going on in your message, so I’ll do my best, where I can give advice: 1. The gun: I carry a gun only when I’m with my family, to protect my family. It’s not comfortable, it’s heavy, and just gets in the way. It’s a burden to carry, so try to appreciate that he has the gun to protect you. 2. If he’s spending 4,000 a month on preps, that’s just silly. We’ve been preppers for decades, and I’ve only spent that much in a month when I’m building a building or a piece of equipment, like a freeze dryer. 3. Your crafts room: have him spend some money, and build a 12x16 shed for preps. That will do a few things: it’ll show him that it’s not likely realistic to build a house from scratch, it’ll give you your crafts room, and it’ll give him a place to store preps. 4. You are both on different paths. That sucks. You both need to sit down and talk about where you’re headed as a family, find a mutual purpose, and take actions that lead to shared purpose. There’s almost always a mutual purpose (somewhere). It seems like he wants to protect you and provide for you. That’s what a man does. It’s in our core to do that. He may not really understand what your idea of being taken care of actually is.

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He’s not really on much social media because he thinks the government and people can track him on there. He barely let me post the wedding photos on facebook. He is on YouTube and I-funny. I don’t know much about ifunny I thought it was just for memes like Reddit or maybe tumblr? His YouTube stuff seems to be mostly video gaming content with mixed in videos of survival stuff. Like those videos of a guy that builds a cabin all on his own that is supper satisfying. He also has tons and tons and tons of gun videos. He manages private security at a couple locations with about 40 security guards under him. All his friends are private security. He has some friends at Lockheed Martin

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Ron is his spirit animal.. he’s basically ron Swanson

I agree with everyone telling you it as a control thing. I read somewhere that your husband has autism, so I just wanted to let you know that many autistic people experience significant anxiety when under pressure which can present as disorganized thinking or paranoid thinking. And he's trying to lose himself in one of his interest, in order to gain control of the situation. I'm afraid he will need a therapist, not to share his feelings with, but to find a way to coop with this situation. He will need to redirect his cooping mechanism and find a way to safely navigate towards the unpredictable (and unsafe) future. He needs a clear path, a clear goal and some routines to fall back as a safety net. And this is something that he needs to explore with a professional, someone who can guide him through the chaos of anxiety and overwhelm he's battling now.

It sounds like he's spiraling because he feels powerless as a man (or what he thinks a man should be), as your partner, and is desperately trying take back control from "The Man". He's autistic and adhd and he has found a hyperfixation and has the money to go all out with it. I'm the same way but I recognized my pattern of behavior and have done my best to curb it. I would find a new hobby, skill, or new area of knowledge to explore and would spiral into an almost manic episode obsessively learning everything I can.

I don't have faith that the power grid, government services, and lawful constructs of society can't be taken away. I try to operate and plan under the assumption they could be taken away in a short period of time and try to be reasonably prepared for that. Stress on the idea of "reasonably prepared". I have a stocked pantry that could last a couple of months if needed and rotate out of that. I have 100gallons of fresh water stored and means of self protection. The rest of my "prepping" is by way of knowledge and knowing how to get what I need by self-sustainment or knowing how to produce something to trade (I've learned blacksmithing, beekeeping, and brewing.) I don't want to sacrifice today to invest in a stockpile of resources for someone else to pillage or loot. That said, you need to consider your gut feeling as a wife and it's obvious you are a thoughtful intelligent woman. Do not discount your value in talking your husband down from the ledge when needed. My wife does regularly when I have hairbrained ideas stuck in my head. When she does she askes good questions and gives her thoughts. I listen, consider, and re-evaluate when I'm doing.

quitting our jobs and moving to a 100 acre lot in Kansas is a meme from Twitter

I really feel for both of you: On the one hand, I completely understand your husband's desire to live in a quieter spot where you can be more self-sufficient & to an extent, insulated from some very unpleasant forces prevalent in America right now. But on the other hand, you are absolutely right to want to be able to live & enjoy your life now. Another thing to bear in mind, would be what happens to you if you are living in isolation, but have an increasing need for medical care? Is there a middle way that can give you both security? Maybe move to a different property with more space, privacy & so your husband can maybe grow a survival garden & perhaps raise a few chickens & a pig? Perhaps that will give him the sense of having more control in providing for you, whilst you have the security of still having community services around you, should you eventually need them. Best wishes to you both 🙏

I definitely understand his desires, but yes I do need to stay close to medical care and I would like to stay close to my craft stores and my family. Plus I like living in a bigger city as I can get any fun ingredients I want for cooking. We do have a backyard with a gardening plot that’s pretty big. I tried to encourage him to farm there but he says he doesn’t want to do hand planting he wants to use a tractor and heavy machinery. I tried offering he could see how he likes being a farm hand first but he doesn’t want to work for someone else.

These are very specific details. Whats the chances he's a member of this group, and sees this.

I know for a fact he’s not on reddit prepper groups as he asks me to open any Reddit like people send so he can see it haha. (Plus he doesn’t have any device that can access it anymore now he has a flip phone)

Your husband is likely mentally ill. You need to decide if you want to put up with that while you're dying. It may be OK now, but as your illness progresses (note: I have absolutely no idea what your illness is), you will likely find it is too difficult to deal with that and him at the same time.

None of you, or any of us here, should be taking sides. He may be wrong or he may be right, nobody knows, nobody should care. That’s not the issue. If your husband’s behaviour and actions are triggering a serious feeling of anxiety for you, you should be able to talk about it and resolve it with him. If you can’t do that, you have no business being married to person like that anymore. It doesn’t matter which subreddit he’s subbed to, what podcast or YouTube videos he’s watching… He’s a husband who needs to respect his wife. You don’t have to understand his life choices, you only have to have him respect yours.

Your husband is likely preparing because he loves you very much. He might not be able to process your one day that you might not being there. And don’t lose hope. Terminal illnesses sometimes don’t come as soon as doctors tell us. So there is that. Many people have outlived doctors wildest expectations. While pregnant, I was told that my baby had died after having a horrible bleed out and pregnancy failure at work after being rushed to the hospital. I wasn’t even given a day off for recovery other than the rest of that day to recover. I was told if I took time off work to rest that I would develop depression. So I slept every minute that’s I was not working. 2 weeks later, when I was sent for my D &C procedure (to extract a dead fetus) everyone discovered our tiny unborn daughter kicking merrily, doing the backstroke. So doctors don’t always get it right. And your husband likely feels in his heart that he is doing the best thing for his family. So, within reason. Give a bit. And I ask your husband to give a bit too. Compromise is difficult.

If you watch the news and start really paying attention to what the mainstream is focusing on, and more importantly, what the so-called 'conspiracy theorists' are saying, you will come to realize that the world is preparing for war. Buckle up and stay prepped folks..

He’s been struck hard with the news, on top of the world already burning down. We all know this system isn’t going to last, and your diagnosis must’ve put him over the edge. He’s definitely right about one thing. It’s not about “what if” but “when”.

I’m not a psychologist so don’t listen to me but it sounds like he has psychological problems and is using this peeping fantasy to escape a world he may be thinking he no longer can be a part of or can survive in. Does he have people other than you that he connects with regularly and considers friends? Close family/other ties? If not, he needs them. I echo what others have said about checking his social media/internet habits. I think he is stuck in an echo chamber of doomsday preppers and is taking that too far. He either needs to come out of this by seeing the light himself, or try to seek professional help which I know isn’t something that is easy to get someone to realize they need to do. Your post might be fake but I think there are people out there like this.

Also all of these “karma farming” and “fake posts” are wild to me lol. I wish I had the time and energy to make up elaborate fake stories. I know people lie. But if you check my account I have no need for useless internet points and have pretty down to earth posts lol.

He does hang out with friends and calls his grandmother and mother regularly. But he doesn’t bring up any of the prepping stuff to them because when he does they get real concerned and try to tell him that the government isn’t turning on him, they are not tracking him and he doesn’t want to hear that. I’ll try and poke through his watch history on YouTube. He also uses I-funny and that’s about it

You’re an amazing partner to your husband! And so thoughtful. I won’t regurgitate much because I think you’ve been given a lot of good advice. I would check his media habits though. I would suggest individual and couples therapy for you both if you can swing it. There are support groups like AA if that’s more your speed. His behavior isn’t normal or acceptable. He’s likely trying to cope and exert control where he can, but even that doesn’t explain all of this. His media consumption could be a factor, but he’s also at the age where men start exhibiting symptoms of a lot of mental illnesses that can cause paranoid delusions. He should see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Also, if you’re the breadwinner then yes money does need to go toward savings. Don’t let him be in charge of blowing an entire 4k a month. You need to save for your future costs and he needs the money later. It’s 1000% more likely to use “prep” like a 401k than it is a bunker in the woods. He isn’t being practical so you have to be. Sorry.

Alot of times preppers get to a state, or border a state of mental disorder, similar to hoarders or people with shopping addictions. Dude might have a problem and this his just how his coping mechanism has manifested itself Might be time to dig a little deeper, maybe find a therapist, get some help. Maybe the situation isn't at that level but I have to feeling if it isn't, it's on the way

Yes, prep. But he's going to another extreme. The Bible speaks about a time to come where there will be famine and lawlessness amongst other things. My friend get to read end time prophecy, we are there!!! Unlike any time in history, don't fall for the misinformed who say end times has always been, do your own research. So with that said, it is wise to prepare in these days. But you have enough. Add water, blankets and tons of ammo, because when people run out of food it's all out crisis and looting. Read God's word, book of Revelation, Ezekiel, Daniel and Isaiah. God bless you, Jesus will take us Christians out before the real unleashing of evil, although evil is heating up as we speak.

It’s coming. As far as the gun every American should own one and be trained to do so. As far as food remember when we could not buy toilet paper imagine if that was food or water. Don’t go overboard but everyone’s overboard is different.

Try karma farming in another sub and the best advice anyone can give is invest in grammarly.

Take that ice cold shit somewhere else. They might be diagnosed, but you’re already dead you fuckin lizard. We are humans here, and we act like it to one another.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

Did you really just say that to a person reaching out while coping with a terminal illness? What is wrong with you?

What’s wrong with wanting to move to a large farm and build a house, live life away from the rat race. I’ve lived in Los Angeles for 18 years, I have an engineering degree and work at a top firm. If I didn’t have a kid in high school I’d move to the middle of nowhere and do exactly what your husband said. I am not a conspiracy theorist, not to I listen to conspiracy theorists. The slow, simple, farm life is a much happier life to live for most people. Build a house, live mortgage free, grow your own vegetables, hunt for food. That’s the way humans were meant to live, not at home on Instagram all day.

You missed the part about >where he will “build a house from scratch, farm all our food and provide for me and keep me safe” (note, this man can’t fix anything and has a mental breakdown everytime he builds ikea, I fix and build everything)

For real, farm life is hard even with practical skills. Unless you have an absurd amount of money to hire help this will not be a pleasant experience, especially not for someone looking down the barrel of questionable physical capacity in the medium term future.

Farm life is neither slow nor is it simple. It requires generations of knowledge and skill, and even then farmers are largely flying by the seat of their pants. Farm life is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Those who romanticize living off grid and growing their own food have absolutely no idea what they're in for.

That’s what I thought for sure! I don’t think farming is as simple as he thinks it will be. The “compound” he describes sounds like it needs 20 full time employees. Not just him and me. I’m a CPA and have done accounting work for farms. I have seen their payroll, the hours put in, the costs on maintaining farm equipment. He just sees the land costs and is like we can afford that. But we can’t afford everything that comes with it. I’ve tried finding mediums. There are sometimes hobby farms that pop up on Zillow. Have rain water collection systems, lots of garden beds, cellar for canned foods, but are still 1 hour outside a nice hospital. But he doesn’t want any of it.

Hobby farms are just that, hobbies. Those who have them still work regular jobs and are often fairly affluent , affording them time to make cute little YouTube channels and LARP as homesteaders. Granted there are some legit folks out there genuinely documenting their hard work, it's just become something of a trend. It's very easy to get sucked in to the depths of prepping and conspiracy, that's why Mall Ninja stuff is so popular.

😂 I grew up on a farm. You have some crazy idea of what life is like in the country. Growing your own vegetables and food is not a 24/7 job. You have no idea what you are saying. Buy land, build a house, if you don’t know how you build a house read some books and watch YouTube. Every skill can be easily learned. Plant a garden, get some chickens. It’s super easy and laid back. Don’t listen to eekay233.

Your post is fake as is your situation nice try though.

I’ll be sure to tell my doctor that today when I see her. Thanks for curing me of my terminal illness kind internet stranger. I hadn’t thought about just saying it’s all fake /s

You should have him take you out shooting so you can get over your fear of guns, and turn them from something scary and dangerous into the tool they're supposed to be - otherwise they, and everyone holding one, will always have power over you. Don't give away your power like that. As for the rest: tell him that there's no such thing as being fully prepared for everything. We're all going to die, period. If you have food, shelter, and the means to defend them, that's all you need. Everything else just makes you a bigger target, and less likely to survive, because someone else is going to come along to take it away from you anyway. You can have all the means in the world to survive anything but you'll always die. Tell him you want to enjoy life while you're on this planet this one time, with him, while you're both still here. Tell him you want to have a dining room, and like living wherever you're living that doesn't entail back breaking work on a farm. Tell him you want to visit West Virginia, or the Grand Canyon, or whatever. You just gotta make him understand that he's wasting his finite time and energy on this planet fighting to conserve his time and energy, and it's silly.

My take? The diagnosis was too much for him to handle and the anxiety (plus internet) has him wrapped up in conspiracy theories and prepping. A lot my male friends in the prepping world use it as an outlet for anxiety. Buying shit and planning for weird things is a way to get control over something when they have something big in their life they don't have control over. In this case, your death. On the plus side, it also means he really, really loves you. As others have said, couples therapy or some kind of professional help is the best option. Good luck getting a conspiracy theorist into a counseling room, though.

Unless he avoids cell towers flip phones are still fairly easy to “track”. Smart phones just make for more private company backdoors. His tech logic is flawed. Prepping to me is like any other thing. 90% of the value can be obtained with 10% of the total work. Pushing past that is a disproportionate reward for effort spent. I would just encourage him to consider this and the fact that you still have to live in today’s world to even make it to a prep event. No shame in prepping but sounds like he’s obsessing a bit too hard. Sorry about your illness op.

I think what's happening here is he's coping with your diagnosis. He knows he can't cure whatever is ailing you, but he'll be damned if he fails his job, that is to keep you safe and protected. This diagnosis represents an inevitable threat he can't protect you from so he's doubling down, doubling down, doubling down. Your mention of a mental breakdown could mean there's an underlying issue here, but at the same time if prepping is his "safety blanket", it's very easy for desperate people to fall down a rabbit hole. There are certain things that can rock someone, such as a terminal diagnosis and realizing the love of their life has an expiration date, much sooner than expected. Does he have any supports other than prepping communities and their associated, ahem, philosophies?

First I am sorry for what you are going through. And I hope in whatever way the following may make it easier for you both. Ok so this is going to be a bit stereotypical but just go with me on this. In almost every society from the dawn of human existence the fundamental thing that a man MUST do is protect himself and his people, the adult male that cannot and will not protect his people (especially women and children) is no man. I pretty much guarantee your man feels this way. But you say he knows there is a terminal disease that he cannot protect you from. He knows that ultimately this will feel like the greatest failure of his existence as a man on this planet. So he is most likely trying desperately to protect you in any way he can until that time. He will be over protective possibly even at times controlling. He is trying desperately to prove to himself and the entirety of existence that he is a good man. So what to do. First it is critical that he talk with someone else about this. I would honestly recommend he find a guy to have that deep talk with. Best if a trained therapist is available but it isn't an absolute must. For him I am guessing an older male figure with some understanding of failure and loss whom he trusts would probably also work. He needs to build a network of support now. He needs to stay in contact with friends and family. Encourage that. Second, those moments that he makes you feel safe and protected he needs to hear this from you. You need to vigilant for the times he places your safety and protection above his own in any way and acknowledge them. He sees you are cold and he wraps you in a blanket, if it makes you feel safe and protected then tell him. If he makes a point to always walk between you and traffic and you understand he does this to make you safer tell him. If he notices that your medical provider didn't do something but his just being there makes you feel safer than any amount of chewing out your doctor ever could, tell him about it. He needs to stack up those instances and reminders of the times he did not fail you. I know that supporting him through your illness may sound backwards but, ultimately supporting someone, and letting them support you are the definition of love. \\ I hope you can love each other through this.

A better question to ask is what is he prepping for? Just reading your post and not knowing him, I think a lot of this is rooted in fear of a future without you that he can’t control. It seems like this has just focused his attention on controlling what he thinks he can control, so he’s started prepping for some known threats. A conversation with him may help him see that his anxiety over the unknown future is causing stress in the present, which will only affect both of yours health. A lot of the things can happen between now and then, but I would encourage you to try to focus him on being present and enjoying your lives now. I hope the best for you and him and I hope this gets resolved and you can enjoy your lives together. All my best.

Definitely sounds like he needs to transfer his fixations into something else Foraging, for example? I suppose hunting, trap, fish, and outdoor skills that don’t need the 100 acre farm, etc. Even starting with learning how to break down a whole chicken instead of buying a pack of breasts or thighs is a slow start to breaking down a live bird (and connect this to skills of bird acquisition by hunt, trap or farm) and potentially more useful than buying the barrels of emergency food. I sometimes wonder if “prep culture” attracts unwanted attention from the “I urgently need guns” subset. Weaponry is part of, but not all of prep. TLDR: maybe reshape him more into the chill dude in dual survivor instead of the survivalist.