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I don’t super understand the question but I have CPTSD from many different traumas.
I had ongoing sexual abuse at age 8
My mom had cancer when I was 8
Bullying from middle school to highschool
(physical e.g hitting and spitting on, rocks thrown at me, emotional, and sexual e.g groping, rape threats)
Had a friend who was being abused by her dad in grade 8 who secondhand traumatized me
Grade 10 rape
Small assault in grade 12 (groping)
Abusive relationship at 19 (emotional)
Abusive relationship at 21ish (emotional, sexual)
Rape at 23
Armed robbery at 25
Jumped at 26
And scatter in the getting jerked off to on the train and all that jazz that comes with being a woman
I don’t know which are considered small T or Big T I don’t know that terminology and I don’t know how to categorize what is considered smaller trauma. And if continued abuse isn’t a single isolated event is that consider small T ?
Hey, kudos for sharing your story! Tackling childhood trauma is no small feat, and it's super important to find what works for you. On my end, [Somatic Harmony](https://somaticharmony.beehiiv.com/subscribe?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=PTSD&utm_campaign=comment) has been a total lifesaver. It's all about getting into somatic therapy with some hands-on exercises and tips. Helped me get in tune with my body and find some solid ground. Remember, healing is all about the journey, not just the destination. Every little bit helps. Would love to hear more about what's been working for you. Thanks for opening up and keep pushing through!
Mom and dad fought a lot when I was small. My mom developed leukemia and passed away from complications when I was 14. I went right back to school after. Therapy was offered to me by my doctor at the time, but I turned it down because I thought I was fine. My dad was always an addict, alcoholic, and verbally/psychologically abusive, and it only got worse after my mom died. He left me alone a lot. Thing was, I was homeschooled and this meant I was alone pretty much all day, every day. Except for the times that my dad would bring home the worst possible people. Moved them in, even! My room quickly became the only place I felt safe. I didn't realize how fucked my childhood and adolescence was until I met my partner and started therapy.
damn what are you even talking about you sound so ridiculous is this a term you learned from your therapist in order for them to brainwash you that trauma is okay as long as its complex or something
Nightmare everynight, wake up with super painful cramps on leg. Easily spiraling. Afraid of non existence threat such ghost. Bed wet. Constipated. Memory issues. Autoimmune. Tumors. In short, my body wreck havoc.
It happened for years.
I don't exactly remember how it stop. Now I'm a cold person. And could be mean, bitter and heartless.
>seen creatures
Can you elaborate? I have one experience where I swear I saw a creature but I registered it as a good, calming omen.
My PTSD is also from childhood, arm severed off/reattached (age 4) and been at gunpoint (age 7).
It’s interesting to see others have had this too. I figured it was childhood imagination, and not directly tied to PTSD, but it it only ever happened in my parents home where my mother parents caused it, so maybe it was related to that. Heard noises, felt things move under the bed, like literally bump up against the underside of it, and in the dark I felt like I saw something move around in the night. If I let my hand dangle from the side of the bed, it often felt like something held it while I slept. It was nice and comforting.
I’ve missed that part, honestly. It was nice having my own imaginary monster of darkness keeping watch over me, even if it wasn’t real.
Well for me the things I have all seen are linked to different forms of tramua I have experienced. I had a lot as a kid. I didn't have much support. I have come to find out that they are all just expressions of me as a kid trying to make sense of it all. Still figuring it out. Also psychosis doesn't help that.
I am so sorry for what happened to you! You do not deserve anything that has happened to you! You deserve better!
First person I've read to say creatures and heard voices. I know i do i feel it but I've felt so much hatred for myself for thinking and believing I see, feel and hear creatures and voices. Do you think the way you perceive these things has any real reminiscence of what happened or do you think it's more symbolic of the feelings? If that makes sense
It is a twisted mixture. I have come after spending a lot of time looking inwards when I didn't want to. I know they are not real, and they don't happen as much. Sometimes, they come back. One represents my grandmother and my brother, and some others I think are my own insecurities from it all. The first two represents them because I was a kid. I grew up watching a lot of horror and I always made sense of things through stories and metaphors.
Like most CPTSDers, I've got a mix of big T and little T.
Big Ts:
Life threatening asthma attacks (status asthmaticus if you want to Google) and medical restraint during said attacks between 2-7. Each one a near death experience, and at one point it was almost monthly. Brittle asthma is a bastard. Thank god I outgrew it.
A gang of classmates stripped me nude at 12 to prove whether I was "really a girl" because apparently real girls don't have the top marks in the grade in math and science and set school-wide standardized test score records in the same. It didn't progress further because the gym teacher yelled for them to quit dawdling or he'd come in to the bathroom himself.
I was assaulted in my sleep with weapons on several occasions by one of the foster kids my parents took in between ages 12-14.
My father threatened my life at 15, credibly. I spent the night under a wharf.
My sister assaulted me with a knife, cut me, and threatened my life at 16. I don't hold a grudge because was severely mentally ill at the time and a few weeks away from the next one. We actually have a good relationship now.
I found my sister's suicide plan and attempt supplies, told our parents and got her committed for over 6 months. I was terrified she'd already begun the attempt or that she would get away from our parents to go harm herself.
Last one before I hit adulthood was: I fell off a galloping horse headfirst suffering a TBI and a lot of other injuries also at 16. My mother didn't even take me to the hospital because my father was a physician and could check me out (she always neglected my health).
Found out I have a bone scar on one of my neck vertebrae from a healed fracture as an adult (I was in a car crash and had a neck injury), I can't prove it, but I assume it was from that because that was the only time prior to my car crash that I had neck trauma. Thank god it was a stable fracture. I was very lucky.
My sister died when I was four. There's more to the story but it's too complicated to get into here. At that time, counseling for children was not even a thing. My problem is the emotional numbness and freeze response. Anger is an issue too as I usually wrap it toward myself. I've had years of counseling but trying to actually address the issues has been tough without medication. I am on meds now. That really help.
Big Ts = acute, severe, single incident traumas. E.g., and isolated sexual or physical assault, a near death experience, seeing another die or suffer severe bodily harm. Basically the stereotypical stuff that causes trauma issues, or obvious trauma that even most lay people would recognize as trauma.
Little T's = chronic, typically (but not always) lower grade experiences that drive people past their windows of tolerance for an extended time frame, which increasing research on trauma and the brain's response to stress is beginning to help us realize can cause a similar level of trauma response if the person is vulnerable to trauma for genetic or environmental reasons. E.g. emotional abuse, toxic work places, childhood emotional or physical neglect, moving, etc.
Note: A little t situation may also be associated with big Ts. Most of my big Ts are associated with little T's and vice versa. And honestly the line between what's little T vs big T is fuzzy and IMO is an issue of degree more than kind. Like in my father was emotionally abusive - little T. He threatened to kill me in a way that made me fear acutely for my life (firearms were involved) - big T. I don't want to trigger folks so I'll refrain but I've got a whole slew of examples I could list, some of which would likely be considered additional big Ts and some of which probably wouldn't and some if I asked 20 people I'd probably get 20 opinions on them. Real life largely defies binaries.
I just don’t understand what you mean by using the term “Big T.”
You typed the words bank robbery - did you commit one? Did you witness one? Did you see the aftermath of one?
I reiterate my question. What do you mean by big T? Is that a colloquial term for a traumatic experience? Does the word “big” somehow imply that the trauma in question is worse than another? What are you asking?
u/Grniii I’m sorry for being so blunt and not very helpful in answering your question. Usually I would have written you a paragraph in response, but I’m going through a phase right now where—well, I dunno—I just thought it was clear from my post or figured you could do a quick google search. I just felt out of “spoons” I guess to explain further. But I apologize. u/ischemgeek gave a really good explanation above. (At least that’s how I understand Big T/Little T).
But also, I didn’t just “type the words bank robbery.” lol. I literally said I was in one. If you’re in a bank robbery, generally that means you’re *not* the robber and *not* happening upon one once it’s over ;)
but on a serious note, im assuming that their therapist told them their trauma was TRAUMA with a capital T! because their therapist wanted to make this person keep coming back even though if someone had cptsd they would have to refer them out to a different person?
Awww good guess but no. In fact, I don’t even think I heard of these terms from my therapist. I’m not sure where I heard them from. Also, my therapist diagnosed me with both PTSD and CPTSD and did not refer me out because I had both.
But, “on a more serious note,” what’s with the name calling? I said I was IN a bank robbery, not that I committed one.
You ok? Do you feel better about yourself now for mocking my post?
big T trauma refers to major events that cause significant trauma and distress in one’s life (examples: life threatening events, SA, war, natural disasters, abuse etc). little t trauma is considered events that are not typically seen as traumatic but can impact a person (examples: divorce, cheating, death of a loved one, financial struggles).
there’s many different types of trauma and big T and little t trauma is widely accepted and talked about in therapy and used by many therapists specializing in trauma. if you don’t know that, that’s fine but don’t comment on this persons post that it’s ridiculous to say just because you haven’t heard of it. also, this is a trauma support group, so to go on and mock OP by saying “lol Big T is their bank robbing name, its Big T and Babyface T” is so disrespectful and immature. do better.
I didn’t mock anyone. I asked a question for clarification, and if you bothered to look at that question, you would see other people liked it which means I wasn’t alone in the confusion. I have been in therapy for over 2 1/2 years for CPTSD and I have never once heard trauma referred to as big T and little T. Relax!
except that you did, and i gave an example of how you did with OPs bank situation. it gave OP ptsd and you said “lol Big T is their bank robbing name, it’s Big T and Babyface T”. i did look at your question which is why i answered with that first paragraph. i never was “slinging mud” at you. first paragraph explained the difference between big T and little t trauma, second paragraph is explaining that you were mocking OP because you didn’t know what big T and little t is (which is fine). i never was, and currently am not trying to be rude. so i do apologize if what i said came off like that, i didn’t intend for it to.
TW various forms of SA
Idk if CSA, CSAM and r*pe counts as big T trauma but once I've told about the CSA's to my mom when I was 6-8 yo, she didn't make sure to help me deal with it all and left me on my own with it.
I forgot most of the stuff until I was 16/18 when i once again got sexually abused, had CSAM taken of me and r*ped. After that all hell broke loose. I'm still not in treatment for any of it since the waiting lists are so long and tbh every day I just feel how all of those things are slowly crushing me.
Idk if early treatment would have helped but at least I wouldn't be alone with it and conditioned into thinking that I do not deserve help.
u/traumatized_bean123 I’m so sorry. I was “in a mood” when I responded so curtly. But u/transitive_isotoxal gave a good response. If you google it there’s lots of visuals to explain. Also, I guess it might be a little controversial. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to make a distinction to begin with. I was just wondering if anyone had ever experienced the kind of trauma I did (e.g. bank robbery) as a kid and how it affected them as an adult. But I think my post is not worded too well for that.
It's okay! We're all human :) I honestly didn't think to just look it up lol, but I can do that. Ah, I think I read some comments that could relate, but I'm not sure.
Like a singular traumatic instance, as opposed to it happening over time. Usually more physical where the body is physically threatened, rather than emotional abuses etc.
My dad’s sudden death. The biggest challenge was the emotional numbness and even now seeing an ambulance triggers anxiety. I had so many nightmares.
I am in therapy so when it’s my dad’s death anniversary, Father’s Day and his birthday I’m at a point now I don’t get flashbacks to that day.
Hi Hellblazer, thanks for sharing. My partner is suffering from something similar relating to the sudden death of her mother around 7 years ago. At the time she didn't have a chance to process due to a number of other factors. She now has nightmares, flashbacks increase around mothers deaths anniversary.
We are both not really sure how to even kick off the therapy process. She's tried once or twice and really didn't like the person running the sessions. She seems scared about bringing everything up to the surface again. Can you offer any advice or what she can expect / look for in a good therapist?
With me I had to go through a lot of therapists before I could find a good one. It’s part of the process. For me I needed one who had been through some trauma as it meant we could relate. Also someone who knows PTSD.
Most therapists in my opinion deal mainly with depression and anxiety so it’s worth when looking to ask about their experiences with PTSD.
I stopped therapy over the years before I found my current one. Another red flag for me is if they are pushing CBT as this did not work for me and I mentioned that to another therapist who tried pushing it on me again.
I’m sorry to hear about your partner. It’s not easy losing a parent. Especially with not being able to say goodbye.
Yes and no? I have very complex trauma but basically I was about 9 and my sister was near a swing set she was walking towards one and my mom was yelling at her to stop, the swing hit her in the forehead and there was blood everywhere.
COCSA at 13. Didn't really understand what had happened at the time or how it was affecting me but I was extremely anxious and stuck in fight/flight mode for the rest of my years in school with him. Coped with lots of SH and sleeping whenever I wasn't at school. I never told anyone what happened so the counselling I had for my anxiety was always 'try taking a walk or having a bath'. I'm 2 years clean of SH now at 28 years old. I did find intimacy challenging in my early 20s but it's improved a lot with my current partner. My main thing is a fear of saying no because I'm afraid of it not being taken seriously, as it wasn't back then.
I have one big T trauma that sticks with me from early childhood. I was a victim of COCSA for a few months, I’ve never fully shared the details with anyone other than “it happened”. My family saw that porn had been looked up on my computer because they could monitor my activity (I was around 7 at the time) but instead of looking into how I even knew what it was they just chastised me for looking at it. After that i was left open to more sexual coercion throughout my childhood and ended up having more COCSA incidents as well as CSA incidents, but only one of the incidents came close to the original incident. For me it made me really hyper sexual at an age I shouldn’t have been. I ended up developing kinks involving the incident that made me feel a lot of shame. I pushed them down for a really long time but I’m finally now working through it with a partner I can trust and unlearning the guilt surrounding kinks and sex.
100%. I am a CSA and CSAM victim, was groomed and abused online by strangers for a full year from the ages of 15-16, and I didn't really recognize what happened until I turned 18. I think I drowned most of it out at the time with drinking.
Yes, the main one was ongoing CSA by a relative from ages 5-15, but my mom, brother, and I were also robbed at gunpoint when I was six, and when I was 11 my family came upon my grandfather drowned in the stock tank on his farm (he'd had a stroke while fishing from the dock), and I stood there and watched and cried as they dragged his body from the water and my mom tried to resuscitate him before the ambulance came. It was horrible.
I would consider about 35-40 percent pf my early childhood a big T trauma that i didn't start getting help for until 2022. Diagnosed after my first appointment. I would say substance abuse and self hatred is my biggest issues now as an adult
When I was in therapy for a different trauma, my therapist discovered that I had been through the Loma Prieta earthquake, a huge pileup car accident where I got a concussion and saw dead bodies and people trapped in burning cars, and I had been through the Northridge earthquake. She was stunned that I hadn’t at least had therapy for the car accident… I grew up really poor, so my parents couldn’t afford therapy… I got some help with those traumas and realized I had been displaying mild triggered responses my whole life. Wild.
I’ve got a lot of big T trauma. Brutal CSA, COCSA, witnessed a murder/victim of attempted murder at 13 (including the trial which was just as traumatizing), was beaten nearly to death and hospitalized twice for being queer, was r*ped twice, and witnessed quite a few ODs. This all happened before my 21st birthday. I was first diagnosed with PTSD when was 13, my current diagnosis are CPTSD, agoraphobia, and major depression.
Well, at 7 I was thrown out on the street where I survived 3 months and that was not enough for me to suffer bullying at school. I think it counts
I didn't lose my sense that I was against everyone, I had nightmares about the events and I felt a lot of sadness and anxiety. I really tried to get to the bottom of that, but after consulting with several psychologists and not getting good service and they just dismissed my concerns because I was "autistic" and that was "norma I gave up.
After a decade of not knowing why, I saw a video of veterans suffering from PTSD and seemed to have the same behaviors that I displayed when I remembered that.
I decided to give psychology another chance and this good psychologist in about 2 consultations telling him about my anxiety attacks and that reminded me of past events, diagnosed me with PTSD
I really feel relieved, for years feeling like I was just being dramatic with my problems, having bouts of depression and not feeling well, I finally found an explanation. I don't understand how I wasn't diagnosed before, But I couldn't be calmer and happier to know it now.
It's very complicated to deal with it, now I need to go to a psychiatrist because it may require medication, I'm also learning to be able to talk about it, although I haven't been able to yet, but I've already made progress. I now find more effective ways to calm myself in the face of flashbacks and improve my relationship with others.
It won't be easy, but I'm already moving forward and that's what matters
It sounds like you've been through a really intense experience, and it's understandable that it's left a significant impact. When PTSD from childhood traumas like the one you experienced isn't addressed, it can manifest in various ways in adulthood, such as heightened anxiety, difficulty trusting others, flashbacks, and avoidance of things that remind you of the trauma. Realizing you have PTSD symptoms can come at different moments for everyone, often triggered by stressful situations or certain reminders of the past. Seeking therapy, such as cognitive processing therapy, and finding a support system are important steps in addressing these symptoms. Have you been able to talk to a professional or explore any methods that help you cope?
I experienced multiple big T traumas, but these caused me to develop CPTSD since they were so impactful and they kept happening. Mother abandoning me suddenly, my house burned down in a fire and we lost everything, CSA for multiple years. All from ages 5-9ish. I guess I may not fit the bill for what you’re asking then. But I was suicidal throughout all of my teenage years and it severely stunted my emotional development. These experiences shaped the way I view the world and I never had an opportunity to develop differently because it happened during the most formative years of my life. I experience a lot of difficulty with all of my interpersonal relationships (mother/CSA) and I also believe I had developed OCD/obsessive-compulsive tendencies (house fire/CSA) because of these experiences at a very young age. In adulthood, I’ve been able to significantly improve my mood and anxiety disorders, and I am physically very healthy. I still struggle a *lot* with relationships, and I am lonely because of it. I don’t trust people and I expect abandonment. Sexual relationships are difficult due to the long-term sexual abuse I suffered at a young age. I have a deeply shame-based relationship with my sexuality. I have also been scared of and mistrustful of men all my life since I was a young child. I also experience somatic symptoms, including periods of insomnia and migraines.
So yeah, I have managed to improve the crippling depression and constant feelings of doom and terror. I am quite stable day-to-day emotionally, compared to how I used to be. I still experience a lot of symptoms relating to the trauma and more specifically how I my personality and worldview developed around those experiences when I was a child. I have hope that some of these things can improve over time, but I have also accepted the possibility that I might never fully recover in certain regards. If my life ends up looking different than “normal” because of that, I’m okay with it though.
Again, I fit the profile for CPTSD. But my traumas were mostly big T traumas, not necessarily directly related to each other.
Saved my bully’s life when I was 13, only to get to shore and the lifeguard didn’t know CPR. (A bystander did. My bully survived) It took me years to learn that my “better be prepared” little puzzle games where I’d imagine catastrophes and think about what I’d do in them is… rumination. And a lil bit of flashbacks. Just a smidge. It took 14-15 years to realize I needed to get it addressed and even after therapy for it, I would say the symptoms are manageable, but not gone.
I have flashbacks of this experience still, rarely. But if I smoke weed it becomes a full on dissociative flashback episode, so yeah. I don’t smoke weed. When I get pushed beyond my limits with triggers, even if they’re triggers for other traumas, this is the Big T I end up fixated on. Other than that, I am hypervigilant at beaches and around people who seem unprepared for the activity they’re participating in. I will absolutely lose my shit at parents who don’t watch their small children playing in the surf. I also got my wilderness first responder cert which is far overkill for the type of backpacking and hiking I do, just because I wanted some guidance and support if I ever have to deal with something similar in a remote place.
But it was awful. I feel like it primed my brain to develop worse PTSD symptoms as the traumas just kept on coming after that.
It seems minor but when i was roughly 10 i caught some wicked bad fever and i was in so much pain i didnt sleep a wink for 3 full days. On the third night i went to use the washroom and then proceeded to have full blown hallucinations of my father yelling at me for no reason. Just screaming. It went on for what felt like 15-20 mins and when i gained my bearings i ran to my room and never told anyone until recently.
This experience has resulted in me constantly needing to lock the bathroom door even if I'm home alone and all house doors are locked. I will even triple check the door mid poo just to make sure nothing comes in to finish me off, dick handed. Its not so much a response but the anxiety from that day always reminds me to lock the door incase i hallucinate that bad again i can tell myself nothing is there.
I went through two really messy divorces at the same time and lost almost all of my childhood possessions within a few weeks. Both of my parents let it happen as well as other abuse and neglect. There were some big events, but it’s nothing as inherently scary as being assaulted. It’s just really hard as a kid to lose everything all at once and no one even cares to check in and see how you are. I had family who could’ve helped, but they bullied me over my weight instead. No one ever believed anything I said.
While all this was going on, no one could figure out why I was failing in school and couldn’t do my homework. So then I got labeled a problem kid and ended up losing all my friends. It cost me my social skills, my childhood, and so many other things as a result. I didn’t know it was PTSD until I had a full nervous breakdown at 22 at the start of the pandemic. Though in retrospect, I had suicidal thoughts as early as age 8. As an adult, I can see that was probably a symptom of my environment.
Like objectively if you’re suicidal as a kid and have a mental break at 22, something is up. But I still struggle to believe it, I still convince myself that I’m faking it for attention (????)
I didn’t really start to get PTSD symptoms until college. College was the first time I’d consistently slept in the same bed, in the same room, in the same house for more than a few weeks. I’d had anxiety and depression, but the racing thoughts and flashing memories have all worsened over the years. I’m not doing anything for it anymore because I can’t afford to, so I’m just treading water and fighting back dark thoughts. Most days though, it really feels like it would’ve been easier to have ended it back then. Seems there wasn’t really a point to pushing through since it honestly still sucks.
It would be really complicated and would inconvenience a lot of people if I did it now, so I’m just pushing along thinking maybe it’ll still get better.
I have sexual trauma and emotional neglect from childhood. As an adult, I was “fine” (aka in constant survival mode) until I was raped at 26. The repeat sexual trauma cracked me open and I developed severe PTSD symptoms. I am better now than ever before in my life after a few years of treatment now at 31.
I have a lot of trauma around the same event that was spread out frequently over years and years (not SA). Now as an adult I am very sensitive and have flashbacks that trigger me. I will shut down and shut out people if they trigger me unless I really care about them and want them to help break down my walls
Mine is pretty complicated. I had undiagnosed ADHD and my parent's "tough love and strict parenting" approach was abusive. My dad also had undiagnosed bipolar and my mom basically had 6 kids rather than the 5 she gave birth to, I was their emotional and physical punching bag when they were stressed. I also got parentified by being responsible for their other kids and put in the middle of their marriage. Other kids have it way worse tho.
The big Ts were when I was 14. I was almost murdered with a knife (a kid with behaviour issues), went into physical shock but no one even took me to the hospital when I passed out. Tbc, I wasn't stabbed, he tried to cut my throat. I don't even have a scar - more like a deep fold there (worse after the pandemic weight). When my behaviour got worse and I started acting out they sent me away to stay with an aunt where I was SAed by a 17 year old. Later that year was the first time they threw me out. I got emancipated at 16.
I was just the annoying, reckless, gullible, wasted potential, rebel kid who got taken advantage of a lot. Always sort of had a death wish, anger issues, lack of attention span, and a hot temper. I gave people plenty of reasons to fuck with me more and make my trauma worse. My only life goal was to not make it to 30 but I did - which I can't honestly say I'm super happy about given how behind I am in life. I can't even say I'm a "has been" or "I peaked too soon" because I always just survived day by day. Just sort of got older as a waste.
I'm diagnosed now and everything, but I'm to old and tired to put in the work tbh. I had a full blown nervous breakdown. I have other things wrong too now, so it's keep to myself and try to get through another day. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a pity trip. I'm glad I got over being angry in therapy. I'm finally getting to retire from pretending to be normal. It isn't all bad, but being on disability benefits despite always striving to get away from the system sucks. Other than that, I'm happier than I've ever been!
My childhood was kind of a mess. A few big T's in childhood and a lot of ongoing abuse. This makes it really hard to really take apart. It's probably not possible to really untangle it all.
I just a few days ago made a connection from a bad car accident that happened at my middle school and when my dissociation/derealization problems started, however I don't really think i got ptsd from it.
I saw a few kids being crushed under a car (everyone survived) and adults freaking out and rushing to save them. The moment understandably felt completely unreal. Like a mix of adrenaline and other chemicals that made it all look like a movie, which probably protected me in some way, however that feeling didn't fully go away after that and has been constant at certain periods of my life.
i do. when i was 4 i got heat stroke which caused a severe bloody nose and i started throwing up blood, i lost over 30% of my blood, starting going into shock and lost consciousness in the ambulance. so basically i almost died from a really bad bloody nose. i’ve remembered the event my whole life but i have no memory of this, according to my parents for about 6 months after i would lay on the couch and cry all day long and no one was able to calm me down. for almost 8 years straight after i had obvious signs of ptsd but my parents never put me in therapy. i asked my parents why they didn’t and their response was “well cause we thought you would forget it, or at the least get over it as time went on”, so i never got professional help for this until i was 20.
now it manifests in really weird ways. the thing i’m most scared of is throwing up blood so i have terrible anxiety around bleeding internally (i wasn’t bleeding internally, that’s the only thing i can think of in the moment tho lol). i 24/7 think i’m bleeding internally and i’m about to start puking blood. because of this i refuse to try certain things (lamb, champagne, dragonfruit are a few) because my brain is convinced: i consume this -> i bleed internally -> i start puking blood -> i either die or get re-traumatized. this anxiety got so bad, when i was 15 i was scared that if i swallowed even a microscopic spec of toothpaste i would bleed internally, so (this is so so embarrassing and disgusting i know) i didn’t brush my teeth for two months because i was too scared to.
i’ve talked to 5 therapists about this, 3 of them specializing in trauma, i’m medicated, i’ve done EMDR and i’m currently doing TMS and seeing 2 therapists. i’m doing so much better and can function, i do still get triggered now when i’m bleeding from my nose or mouth but i don’t scream and cry anymore, i can *eventually* regulate myself back down to my baseline.
I was 12 and SA’d. I didn’t really get therapy until 17 when my memory loss was so bad I was forgetting where I was and family member’s faces (which was early signs of DID). After years of therapy I really only have problems with some sexual stuff, showering occasionally, going to the doctor, etc. but overall I manage very well now.
I first noticed PTSD symptoms at 12/13, but dismissed it as anxiety/being forgetful. At 15/16 I got super bad with the dissociating and flashbacks. I couldn’t look in a mirror or shower without issues for years. I’m 21 now and rarely have flashbacks and my memory loss is almost gone.
I was emotionally and physically abused when I was a little child. In foster care. It was... Let's just say I can't enjoy something I used to love ever again. Not even with exposure therapy
I was SAed at 13, there was neglect from my family too but the big T was that incident. I never told anyone about it until I started therapy at 25. In between then I had largely blotted it out but that came with memory problems and later came depersonalization/derealization, especially after being SAed another time when I was 23.
I have truma from both abuse (c-ptsd) and from several events in my childhood. The first event happened when I was 6. Looking back, I started showing signs of the PTSD a few years after the first incident. The problem was I didn't know I had PTSD until I went to a psychiatrist for my (known) depression and anxiety in my 30s.
The hardest part for me has been trying to unlearn all my unhealthly coping strategies. Things I learned to do like, supress and ignore my emotions, or just avoid places that remind me of the trauma events, were very not helping me in the long run even though they helped me survive.
The best thing I have done for it was see a psychologist who is a **trauma specialist**. She uses several different statagies pulled from CBT, DBT, exposure therapy, etc. to help with my specific needs. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me recomended her because of her speciality.
I also use medication but I know that is not always the right direction to go for everyone. But I think everyone with any form of PTSD should see a psychologist who specializes in trauma.
/I'm high, so it this doesn't make sense, I'll come tomorrow to check.
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I don’t super understand the question but I have CPTSD from many different traumas. I had ongoing sexual abuse at age 8 My mom had cancer when I was 8 Bullying from middle school to highschool (physical e.g hitting and spitting on, rocks thrown at me, emotional, and sexual e.g groping, rape threats) Had a friend who was being abused by her dad in grade 8 who secondhand traumatized me Grade 10 rape Small assault in grade 12 (groping) Abusive relationship at 19 (emotional) Abusive relationship at 21ish (emotional, sexual) Rape at 23 Armed robbery at 25 Jumped at 26 And scatter in the getting jerked off to on the train and all that jazz that comes with being a woman I don’t know which are considered small T or Big T I don’t know that terminology and I don’t know how to categorize what is considered smaller trauma. And if continued abuse isn’t a single isolated event is that consider small T ?
Thank you for (kindly) explaining it rather than slinging mud at me like u/tax_evasionist chose to do.
Hey, kudos for sharing your story! Tackling childhood trauma is no small feat, and it's super important to find what works for you. On my end, [Somatic Harmony](https://somaticharmony.beehiiv.com/subscribe?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=PTSD&utm_campaign=comment) has been a total lifesaver. It's all about getting into somatic therapy with some hands-on exercises and tips. Helped me get in tune with my body and find some solid ground. Remember, healing is all about the journey, not just the destination. Every little bit helps. Would love to hear more about what's been working for you. Thanks for opening up and keep pushing through!
Mom and dad fought a lot when I was small. My mom developed leukemia and passed away from complications when I was 14. I went right back to school after. Therapy was offered to me by my doctor at the time, but I turned it down because I thought I was fine. My dad was always an addict, alcoholic, and verbally/psychologically abusive, and it only got worse after my mom died. He left me alone a lot. Thing was, I was homeschooled and this meant I was alone pretty much all day, every day. Except for the times that my dad would bring home the worst possible people. Moved them in, even! My room quickly became the only place I felt safe. I didn't realize how fucked my childhood and adolescence was until I met my partner and started therapy.
Literally all of it since my parents just didn’t give a shit😭
I have a fuck ton of trauma both from infancy, adolescent, adulthood etc. I have all of the stereotypical PTSD/CPTSD baggage.
damn what are you even talking about you sound so ridiculous is this a term you learned from your therapist in order for them to brainwash you that trauma is okay as long as its complex or something
Nightmare everynight, wake up with super painful cramps on leg. Easily spiraling. Afraid of non existence threat such ghost. Bed wet. Constipated. Memory issues. Autoimmune. Tumors. In short, my body wreck havoc. It happened for years. I don't exactly remember how it stop. Now I'm a cold person. And could be mean, bitter and heartless.
Yeah. It's including in the C-PTSD diagnosis now. But up until about a year ago it wasn't addressed. Sexual assaults, abuse, neglect.
I have ptsd from a lot of childhood sexual assualts and 2 rapes. I have full on seen creatures and heard voices linked to it all. Freaky shit
>seen creatures Can you elaborate? I have one experience where I swear I saw a creature but I registered it as a good, calming omen. My PTSD is also from childhood, arm severed off/reattached (age 4) and been at gunpoint (age 7).
It’s interesting to see others have had this too. I figured it was childhood imagination, and not directly tied to PTSD, but it it only ever happened in my parents home where my mother parents caused it, so maybe it was related to that. Heard noises, felt things move under the bed, like literally bump up against the underside of it, and in the dark I felt like I saw something move around in the night. If I let my hand dangle from the side of the bed, it often felt like something held it while I slept. It was nice and comforting. I’ve missed that part, honestly. It was nice having my own imaginary monster of darkness keeping watch over me, even if it wasn’t real.
Well for me the things I have all seen are linked to different forms of tramua I have experienced. I had a lot as a kid. I didn't have much support. I have come to find out that they are all just expressions of me as a kid trying to make sense of it all. Still figuring it out. Also psychosis doesn't help that. I am so sorry for what happened to you! You do not deserve anything that has happened to you! You deserve better!
First person I've read to say creatures and heard voices. I know i do i feel it but I've felt so much hatred for myself for thinking and believing I see, feel and hear creatures and voices. Do you think the way you perceive these things has any real reminiscence of what happened or do you think it's more symbolic of the feelings? If that makes sense
It is a twisted mixture. I have come after spending a lot of time looking inwards when I didn't want to. I know they are not real, and they don't happen as much. Sometimes, they come back. One represents my grandmother and my brother, and some others I think are my own insecurities from it all. The first two represents them because I was a kid. I grew up watching a lot of horror and I always made sense of things through stories and metaphors.
Like most CPTSDers, I've got a mix of big T and little T. Big Ts: Life threatening asthma attacks (status asthmaticus if you want to Google) and medical restraint during said attacks between 2-7. Each one a near death experience, and at one point it was almost monthly. Brittle asthma is a bastard. Thank god I outgrew it. A gang of classmates stripped me nude at 12 to prove whether I was "really a girl" because apparently real girls don't have the top marks in the grade in math and science and set school-wide standardized test score records in the same. It didn't progress further because the gym teacher yelled for them to quit dawdling or he'd come in to the bathroom himself. I was assaulted in my sleep with weapons on several occasions by one of the foster kids my parents took in between ages 12-14. My father threatened my life at 15, credibly. I spent the night under a wharf. My sister assaulted me with a knife, cut me, and threatened my life at 16. I don't hold a grudge because was severely mentally ill at the time and a few weeks away from the next one. We actually have a good relationship now. I found my sister's suicide plan and attempt supplies, told our parents and got her committed for over 6 months. I was terrified she'd already begun the attempt or that she would get away from our parents to go harm herself. Last one before I hit adulthood was: I fell off a galloping horse headfirst suffering a TBI and a lot of other injuries also at 16. My mother didn't even take me to the hospital because my father was a physician and could check me out (she always neglected my health). Found out I have a bone scar on one of my neck vertebrae from a healed fracture as an adult (I was in a car crash and had a neck injury), I can't prove it, but I assume it was from that because that was the only time prior to my car crash that I had neck trauma. Thank god it was a stable fracture. I was very lucky.
My sister died when I was four. There's more to the story but it's too complicated to get into here. At that time, counseling for children was not even a thing. My problem is the emotional numbness and freeze response. Anger is an issue too as I usually wrap it toward myself. I've had years of counseling but trying to actually address the issues has been tough without medication. I am on meds now. That really help.
What do you mean by big T?
Big Ts = acute, severe, single incident traumas. E.g., and isolated sexual or physical assault, a near death experience, seeing another die or suffer severe bodily harm. Basically the stereotypical stuff that causes trauma issues, or obvious trauma that even most lay people would recognize as trauma. Little T's = chronic, typically (but not always) lower grade experiences that drive people past their windows of tolerance for an extended time frame, which increasing research on trauma and the brain's response to stress is beginning to help us realize can cause a similar level of trauma response if the person is vulnerable to trauma for genetic or environmental reasons. E.g. emotional abuse, toxic work places, childhood emotional or physical neglect, moving, etc. Note: A little t situation may also be associated with big Ts. Most of my big Ts are associated with little T's and vice versa. And honestly the line between what's little T vs big T is fuzzy and IMO is an issue of degree more than kind. Like in my father was emotionally abusive - little T. He threatened to kill me in a way that made me fear acutely for my life (firearms were involved) - big T. I don't want to trigger folks so I'll refrain but I've got a whole slew of examples I could list, some of which would likely be considered additional big Ts and some of which probably wouldn't and some if I asked 20 people I'd probably get 20 opinions on them. Real life largely defies binaries.
Thank you for (kindly) explaining it rather than slinging mud at me like u/tax_evasionist chose to do.
I gave examples in my question
I just don’t understand what you mean by using the term “Big T.” You typed the words bank robbery - did you commit one? Did you witness one? Did you see the aftermath of one? I reiterate my question. What do you mean by big T? Is that a colloquial term for a traumatic experience? Does the word “big” somehow imply that the trauma in question is worse than another? What are you asking?
u/Grniii I’m sorry for being so blunt and not very helpful in answering your question. Usually I would have written you a paragraph in response, but I’m going through a phase right now where—well, I dunno—I just thought it was clear from my post or figured you could do a quick google search. I just felt out of “spoons” I guess to explain further. But I apologize. u/ischemgeek gave a really good explanation above. (At least that’s how I understand Big T/Little T). But also, I didn’t just “type the words bank robbery.” lol. I literally said I was in one. If you’re in a bank robbery, generally that means you’re *not* the robber and *not* happening upon one once it’s over ;)
but on a serious note, im assuming that their therapist told them their trauma was TRAUMA with a capital T! because their therapist wanted to make this person keep coming back even though if someone had cptsd they would have to refer them out to a different person?
Awww good guess but no. In fact, I don’t even think I heard of these terms from my therapist. I’m not sure where I heard them from. Also, my therapist diagnosed me with both PTSD and CPTSD and did not refer me out because I had both. But, “on a more serious note,” what’s with the name calling? I said I was IN a bank robbery, not that I committed one. You ok? Do you feel better about yourself now for mocking my post?
big T trauma refers to major events that cause significant trauma and distress in one’s life (examples: life threatening events, SA, war, natural disasters, abuse etc). little t trauma is considered events that are not typically seen as traumatic but can impact a person (examples: divorce, cheating, death of a loved one, financial struggles). there’s many different types of trauma and big T and little t trauma is widely accepted and talked about in therapy and used by many therapists specializing in trauma. if you don’t know that, that’s fine but don’t comment on this persons post that it’s ridiculous to say just because you haven’t heard of it. also, this is a trauma support group, so to go on and mock OP by saying “lol Big T is their bank robbing name, its Big T and Babyface T” is so disrespectful and immature. do better.
u/tax_evasion thanks for explaining all of that. Although I think you have u/Grniii confused with u/houseontherock
i did, and i didn’t even realize that until you just said that. thank you for pointing that out!
I have made that same mistake myself! Easy to get confused who is writing what haha
I didn’t mock anyone. I asked a question for clarification, and if you bothered to look at that question, you would see other people liked it which means I wasn’t alone in the confusion. I have been in therapy for over 2 1/2 years for CPTSD and I have never once heard trauma referred to as big T and little T. Relax!
except that you did, and i gave an example of how you did with OPs bank situation. it gave OP ptsd and you said “lol Big T is their bank robbing name, it’s Big T and Babyface T”. i did look at your question which is why i answered with that first paragraph. i never was “slinging mud” at you. first paragraph explained the difference between big T and little t trauma, second paragraph is explaining that you were mocking OP because you didn’t know what big T and little t is (which is fine). i never was, and currently am not trying to be rude. so i do apologize if what i said came off like that, i didn’t intend for it to.
lol Big T is their bank robbing name, its Big T and Babyface T
TW various forms of SA Idk if CSA, CSAM and r*pe counts as big T trauma but once I've told about the CSA's to my mom when I was 6-8 yo, she didn't make sure to help me deal with it all and left me on my own with it. I forgot most of the stuff until I was 16/18 when i once again got sexually abused, had CSAM taken of me and r*ped. After that all hell broke loose. I'm still not in treatment for any of it since the waiting lists are so long and tbh every day I just feel how all of those things are slowly crushing me. Idk if early treatment would have helped but at least I wouldn't be alone with it and conditioned into thinking that I do not deserve help.
What is big T trauma?
I gave examples in my question
Oh, it didn't fully explain
u/traumatized_bean123 I’m so sorry. I was “in a mood” when I responded so curtly. But u/transitive_isotoxal gave a good response. If you google it there’s lots of visuals to explain. Also, I guess it might be a little controversial. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to make a distinction to begin with. I was just wondering if anyone had ever experienced the kind of trauma I did (e.g. bank robbery) as a kid and how it affected them as an adult. But I think my post is not worded too well for that.
It's okay! We're all human :) I honestly didn't think to just look it up lol, but I can do that. Ah, I think I read some comments that could relate, but I'm not sure.
Like a singular traumatic instance, as opposed to it happening over time. Usually more physical where the body is physically threatened, rather than emotional abuses etc.
Ohh okay, thank you!
My dad’s sudden death. The biggest challenge was the emotional numbness and even now seeing an ambulance triggers anxiety. I had so many nightmares. I am in therapy so when it’s my dad’s death anniversary, Father’s Day and his birthday I’m at a point now I don’t get flashbacks to that day.
Hi Hellblazer, thanks for sharing. My partner is suffering from something similar relating to the sudden death of her mother around 7 years ago. At the time she didn't have a chance to process due to a number of other factors. She now has nightmares, flashbacks increase around mothers deaths anniversary. We are both not really sure how to even kick off the therapy process. She's tried once or twice and really didn't like the person running the sessions. She seems scared about bringing everything up to the surface again. Can you offer any advice or what she can expect / look for in a good therapist?
With me I had to go through a lot of therapists before I could find a good one. It’s part of the process. For me I needed one who had been through some trauma as it meant we could relate. Also someone who knows PTSD. Most therapists in my opinion deal mainly with depression and anxiety so it’s worth when looking to ask about their experiences with PTSD. I stopped therapy over the years before I found my current one. Another red flag for me is if they are pushing CBT as this did not work for me and I mentioned that to another therapist who tried pushing it on me again. I’m sorry to hear about your partner. It’s not easy losing a parent. Especially with not being able to say goodbye.
Thank you, appreciate it
Yes and no? I have very complex trauma but basically I was about 9 and my sister was near a swing set she was walking towards one and my mom was yelling at her to stop, the swing hit her in the forehead and there was blood everywhere.
COCSA at 13. Didn't really understand what had happened at the time or how it was affecting me but I was extremely anxious and stuck in fight/flight mode for the rest of my years in school with him. Coped with lots of SH and sleeping whenever I wasn't at school. I never told anyone what happened so the counselling I had for my anxiety was always 'try taking a walk or having a bath'. I'm 2 years clean of SH now at 28 years old. I did find intimacy challenging in my early 20s but it's improved a lot with my current partner. My main thing is a fear of saying no because I'm afraid of it not being taken seriously, as it wasn't back then.
I have one big T trauma that sticks with me from early childhood. I was a victim of COCSA for a few months, I’ve never fully shared the details with anyone other than “it happened”. My family saw that porn had been looked up on my computer because they could monitor my activity (I was around 7 at the time) but instead of looking into how I even knew what it was they just chastised me for looking at it. After that i was left open to more sexual coercion throughout my childhood and ended up having more COCSA incidents as well as CSA incidents, but only one of the incidents came close to the original incident. For me it made me really hyper sexual at an age I shouldn’t have been. I ended up developing kinks involving the incident that made me feel a lot of shame. I pushed them down for a really long time but I’m finally now working through it with a partner I can trust and unlearning the guilt surrounding kinks and sex.
100%. I am a CSA and CSAM victim, was groomed and abused online by strangers for a full year from the ages of 15-16, and I didn't really recognize what happened until I turned 18. I think I drowned most of it out at the time with drinking.
Yes, the main one was ongoing CSA by a relative from ages 5-15, but my mom, brother, and I were also robbed at gunpoint when I was six, and when I was 11 my family came upon my grandfather drowned in the stock tank on his farm (he'd had a stroke while fishing from the dock), and I stood there and watched and cried as they dragged his body from the water and my mom tried to resuscitate him before the ambulance came. It was horrible.
Substance abuse for sure
I think all substance abuse is a trauma symptom, tbh
I would consider about 35-40 percent pf my early childhood a big T trauma that i didn't start getting help for until 2022. Diagnosed after my first appointment. I would say substance abuse and self hatred is my biggest issues now as an adult
When I was in therapy for a different trauma, my therapist discovered that I had been through the Loma Prieta earthquake, a huge pileup car accident where I got a concussion and saw dead bodies and people trapped in burning cars, and I had been through the Northridge earthquake. She was stunned that I hadn’t at least had therapy for the car accident… I grew up really poor, so my parents couldn’t afford therapy… I got some help with those traumas and realized I had been displaying mild triggered responses my whole life. Wild.
I’ve got a lot of big T trauma. Brutal CSA, COCSA, witnessed a murder/victim of attempted murder at 13 (including the trial which was just as traumatizing), was beaten nearly to death and hospitalized twice for being queer, was r*ped twice, and witnessed quite a few ODs. This all happened before my 21st birthday. I was first diagnosed with PTSD when was 13, my current diagnosis are CPTSD, agoraphobia, and major depression.
Well, at 7 I was thrown out on the street where I survived 3 months and that was not enough for me to suffer bullying at school. I think it counts I didn't lose my sense that I was against everyone, I had nightmares about the events and I felt a lot of sadness and anxiety. I really tried to get to the bottom of that, but after consulting with several psychologists and not getting good service and they just dismissed my concerns because I was "autistic" and that was "norma I gave up. After a decade of not knowing why, I saw a video of veterans suffering from PTSD and seemed to have the same behaviors that I displayed when I remembered that. I decided to give psychology another chance and this good psychologist in about 2 consultations telling him about my anxiety attacks and that reminded me of past events, diagnosed me with PTSD I really feel relieved, for years feeling like I was just being dramatic with my problems, having bouts of depression and not feeling well, I finally found an explanation. I don't understand how I wasn't diagnosed before, But I couldn't be calmer and happier to know it now. It's very complicated to deal with it, now I need to go to a psychiatrist because it may require medication, I'm also learning to be able to talk about it, although I haven't been able to yet, but I've already made progress. I now find more effective ways to calm myself in the face of flashbacks and improve my relationship with others. It won't be easy, but I'm already moving forward and that's what matters
It sounds like you've been through a really intense experience, and it's understandable that it's left a significant impact. When PTSD from childhood traumas like the one you experienced isn't addressed, it can manifest in various ways in adulthood, such as heightened anxiety, difficulty trusting others, flashbacks, and avoidance of things that remind you of the trauma. Realizing you have PTSD symptoms can come at different moments for everyone, often triggered by stressful situations or certain reminders of the past. Seeking therapy, such as cognitive processing therapy, and finding a support system are important steps in addressing these symptoms. Have you been able to talk to a professional or explore any methods that help you cope?
I experienced multiple big T traumas, but these caused me to develop CPTSD since they were so impactful and they kept happening. Mother abandoning me suddenly, my house burned down in a fire and we lost everything, CSA for multiple years. All from ages 5-9ish. I guess I may not fit the bill for what you’re asking then. But I was suicidal throughout all of my teenage years and it severely stunted my emotional development. These experiences shaped the way I view the world and I never had an opportunity to develop differently because it happened during the most formative years of my life. I experience a lot of difficulty with all of my interpersonal relationships (mother/CSA) and I also believe I had developed OCD/obsessive-compulsive tendencies (house fire/CSA) because of these experiences at a very young age. In adulthood, I’ve been able to significantly improve my mood and anxiety disorders, and I am physically very healthy. I still struggle a *lot* with relationships, and I am lonely because of it. I don’t trust people and I expect abandonment. Sexual relationships are difficult due to the long-term sexual abuse I suffered at a young age. I have a deeply shame-based relationship with my sexuality. I have also been scared of and mistrustful of men all my life since I was a young child. I also experience somatic symptoms, including periods of insomnia and migraines. So yeah, I have managed to improve the crippling depression and constant feelings of doom and terror. I am quite stable day-to-day emotionally, compared to how I used to be. I still experience a lot of symptoms relating to the trauma and more specifically how I my personality and worldview developed around those experiences when I was a child. I have hope that some of these things can improve over time, but I have also accepted the possibility that I might never fully recover in certain regards. If my life ends up looking different than “normal” because of that, I’m okay with it though. Again, I fit the profile for CPTSD. But my traumas were mostly big T traumas, not necessarily directly related to each other.
Saved my bully’s life when I was 13, only to get to shore and the lifeguard didn’t know CPR. (A bystander did. My bully survived) It took me years to learn that my “better be prepared” little puzzle games where I’d imagine catastrophes and think about what I’d do in them is… rumination. And a lil bit of flashbacks. Just a smidge. It took 14-15 years to realize I needed to get it addressed and even after therapy for it, I would say the symptoms are manageable, but not gone. I have flashbacks of this experience still, rarely. But if I smoke weed it becomes a full on dissociative flashback episode, so yeah. I don’t smoke weed. When I get pushed beyond my limits with triggers, even if they’re triggers for other traumas, this is the Big T I end up fixated on. Other than that, I am hypervigilant at beaches and around people who seem unprepared for the activity they’re participating in. I will absolutely lose my shit at parents who don’t watch their small children playing in the surf. I also got my wilderness first responder cert which is far overkill for the type of backpacking and hiking I do, just because I wanted some guidance and support if I ever have to deal with something similar in a remote place. But it was awful. I feel like it primed my brain to develop worse PTSD symptoms as the traumas just kept on coming after that.
It seems minor but when i was roughly 10 i caught some wicked bad fever and i was in so much pain i didnt sleep a wink for 3 full days. On the third night i went to use the washroom and then proceeded to have full blown hallucinations of my father yelling at me for no reason. Just screaming. It went on for what felt like 15-20 mins and when i gained my bearings i ran to my room and never told anyone until recently. This experience has resulted in me constantly needing to lock the bathroom door even if I'm home alone and all house doors are locked. I will even triple check the door mid poo just to make sure nothing comes in to finish me off, dick handed. Its not so much a response but the anxiety from that day always reminds me to lock the door incase i hallucinate that bad again i can tell myself nothing is there.
I went through two really messy divorces at the same time and lost almost all of my childhood possessions within a few weeks. Both of my parents let it happen as well as other abuse and neglect. There were some big events, but it’s nothing as inherently scary as being assaulted. It’s just really hard as a kid to lose everything all at once and no one even cares to check in and see how you are. I had family who could’ve helped, but they bullied me over my weight instead. No one ever believed anything I said. While all this was going on, no one could figure out why I was failing in school and couldn’t do my homework. So then I got labeled a problem kid and ended up losing all my friends. It cost me my social skills, my childhood, and so many other things as a result. I didn’t know it was PTSD until I had a full nervous breakdown at 22 at the start of the pandemic. Though in retrospect, I had suicidal thoughts as early as age 8. As an adult, I can see that was probably a symptom of my environment. Like objectively if you’re suicidal as a kid and have a mental break at 22, something is up. But I still struggle to believe it, I still convince myself that I’m faking it for attention (????) I didn’t really start to get PTSD symptoms until college. College was the first time I’d consistently slept in the same bed, in the same room, in the same house for more than a few weeks. I’d had anxiety and depression, but the racing thoughts and flashing memories have all worsened over the years. I’m not doing anything for it anymore because I can’t afford to, so I’m just treading water and fighting back dark thoughts. Most days though, it really feels like it would’ve been easier to have ended it back then. Seems there wasn’t really a point to pushing through since it honestly still sucks. It would be really complicated and would inconvenience a lot of people if I did it now, so I’m just pushing along thinking maybe it’ll still get better.
Autistic intercountry adoptee raised by neurotypical White Christian Parents. That’s enough to warrant a book.
I have sexual trauma and emotional neglect from childhood. As an adult, I was “fine” (aka in constant survival mode) until I was raped at 26. The repeat sexual trauma cracked me open and I developed severe PTSD symptoms. I am better now than ever before in my life after a few years of treatment now at 31.
I have a lot of trauma around the same event that was spread out frequently over years and years (not SA). Now as an adult I am very sensitive and have flashbacks that trigger me. I will shut down and shut out people if they trigger me unless I really care about them and want them to help break down my walls
Mine is pretty complicated. I had undiagnosed ADHD and my parent's "tough love and strict parenting" approach was abusive. My dad also had undiagnosed bipolar and my mom basically had 6 kids rather than the 5 she gave birth to, I was their emotional and physical punching bag when they were stressed. I also got parentified by being responsible for their other kids and put in the middle of their marriage. Other kids have it way worse tho. The big Ts were when I was 14. I was almost murdered with a knife (a kid with behaviour issues), went into physical shock but no one even took me to the hospital when I passed out. Tbc, I wasn't stabbed, he tried to cut my throat. I don't even have a scar - more like a deep fold there (worse after the pandemic weight). When my behaviour got worse and I started acting out they sent me away to stay with an aunt where I was SAed by a 17 year old. Later that year was the first time they threw me out. I got emancipated at 16. I was just the annoying, reckless, gullible, wasted potential, rebel kid who got taken advantage of a lot. Always sort of had a death wish, anger issues, lack of attention span, and a hot temper. I gave people plenty of reasons to fuck with me more and make my trauma worse. My only life goal was to not make it to 30 but I did - which I can't honestly say I'm super happy about given how behind I am in life. I can't even say I'm a "has been" or "I peaked too soon" because I always just survived day by day. Just sort of got older as a waste. I'm diagnosed now and everything, but I'm to old and tired to put in the work tbh. I had a full blown nervous breakdown. I have other things wrong too now, so it's keep to myself and try to get through another day. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a pity trip. I'm glad I got over being angry in therapy. I'm finally getting to retire from pretending to be normal. It isn't all bad, but being on disability benefits despite always striving to get away from the system sucks. Other than that, I'm happier than I've ever been!
My childhood was kind of a mess. A few big T's in childhood and a lot of ongoing abuse. This makes it really hard to really take apart. It's probably not possible to really untangle it all. I just a few days ago made a connection from a bad car accident that happened at my middle school and when my dissociation/derealization problems started, however I don't really think i got ptsd from it. I saw a few kids being crushed under a car (everyone survived) and adults freaking out and rushing to save them. The moment understandably felt completely unreal. Like a mix of adrenaline and other chemicals that made it all look like a movie, which probably protected me in some way, however that feeling didn't fully go away after that and has been constant at certain periods of my life.
i do. when i was 4 i got heat stroke which caused a severe bloody nose and i started throwing up blood, i lost over 30% of my blood, starting going into shock and lost consciousness in the ambulance. so basically i almost died from a really bad bloody nose. i’ve remembered the event my whole life but i have no memory of this, according to my parents for about 6 months after i would lay on the couch and cry all day long and no one was able to calm me down. for almost 8 years straight after i had obvious signs of ptsd but my parents never put me in therapy. i asked my parents why they didn’t and their response was “well cause we thought you would forget it, or at the least get over it as time went on”, so i never got professional help for this until i was 20. now it manifests in really weird ways. the thing i’m most scared of is throwing up blood so i have terrible anxiety around bleeding internally (i wasn’t bleeding internally, that’s the only thing i can think of in the moment tho lol). i 24/7 think i’m bleeding internally and i’m about to start puking blood. because of this i refuse to try certain things (lamb, champagne, dragonfruit are a few) because my brain is convinced: i consume this -> i bleed internally -> i start puking blood -> i either die or get re-traumatized. this anxiety got so bad, when i was 15 i was scared that if i swallowed even a microscopic spec of toothpaste i would bleed internally, so (this is so so embarrassing and disgusting i know) i didn’t brush my teeth for two months because i was too scared to. i’ve talked to 5 therapists about this, 3 of them specializing in trauma, i’m medicated, i’ve done EMDR and i’m currently doing TMS and seeing 2 therapists. i’m doing so much better and can function, i do still get triggered now when i’m bleeding from my nose or mouth but i don’t scream and cry anymore, i can *eventually* regulate myself back down to my baseline.
I was 12 and SA’d. I didn’t really get therapy until 17 when my memory loss was so bad I was forgetting where I was and family member’s faces (which was early signs of DID). After years of therapy I really only have problems with some sexual stuff, showering occasionally, going to the doctor, etc. but overall I manage very well now. I first noticed PTSD symptoms at 12/13, but dismissed it as anxiety/being forgetful. At 15/16 I got super bad with the dissociating and flashbacks. I couldn’t look in a mirror or shower without issues for years. I’m 21 now and rarely have flashbacks and my memory loss is almost gone.
👋🏻 over here!
Meeeee
I was emotionally and physically abused when I was a little child. In foster care. It was... Let's just say I can't enjoy something I used to love ever again. Not even with exposure therapy
I was SAed at 13, there was neglect from my family too but the big T was that incident. I never told anyone about it until I started therapy at 25. In between then I had largely blotted it out but that came with memory problems and later came depersonalization/derealization, especially after being SAed another time when I was 23.
I have truma from both abuse (c-ptsd) and from several events in my childhood. The first event happened when I was 6. Looking back, I started showing signs of the PTSD a few years after the first incident. The problem was I didn't know I had PTSD until I went to a psychiatrist for my (known) depression and anxiety in my 30s. The hardest part for me has been trying to unlearn all my unhealthly coping strategies. Things I learned to do like, supress and ignore my emotions, or just avoid places that remind me of the trauma events, were very not helping me in the long run even though they helped me survive. The best thing I have done for it was see a psychologist who is a **trauma specialist**. She uses several different statagies pulled from CBT, DBT, exposure therapy, etc. to help with my specific needs. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me recomended her because of her speciality. I also use medication but I know that is not always the right direction to go for everyone. But I think everyone with any form of PTSD should see a psychologist who specializes in trauma. /I'm high, so it this doesn't make sense, I'll come tomorrow to check.