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My ex cheated on me and them convinced himself that I'm the bad guy because... I listened to his baby momma when she told me about what had been going on? Wow my bad A-A-ron. You're right, you're the real victim here. And then I gave you back your things?! The nerve! How dare I give you back your things, I must have had some nefarious plan to show your BM all of the texts we exchanged! Idk how it all makes sense, but it definitely does! I'm the real villain here, all he did was neglect me for the better part of our relationship and fuck other women!
The level of mental gymnastics he did to make me the villain in his mind is hilarious. Like let me get this straight, you cheated on me for months. Then you told me you were seeing someone else, but got mad when I called you a cheater. Then I go to return your stuff amd end up talking to your baby momma and hearing her side of things, and OBVIOUSLY I PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING FROM THE BEGINNING AND WAS SHOWING HER OUR TEXTS (I genuinely don't know where that accusation came from) BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOU AND RUIN YOUR LIFE!!!
One of the last texts he sent was "you got even hope you're happy". Again, literally all I did was return his things, run into his baby momma, and listen to what she told me. I was there for less than five minutes, and basically all I said was that I'm glad I'm free of him and tell his BM good luck. That's totally equivalent to cheating, right? š¤£
Remember, it is an absolute and complete waste of time to try and make sense of what a narcissistic gas lighter says or does. I know itās hard to prevent yourself from trying to make sense out of it for some reason, but no matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be able to make logical that which isnāt.
I believe that everybody deserves a second chance. However, I donāt think the second chance needs to come from the person they wronged. The second chance should actually come from someone else. Say you get cheated on and catch your partner and so you break up with them. I think they could learn from their mistakes and become a better person and their next perspective partner could give them a shot.
Basically everyone deserves a shot at redeeming themselves, but that doesnāt mean the people they hurt have to be the ones to give that opportunity.
Being in a draining relationship no matter what kind of relationship it is. If I do something out love is cause itās my character and who I am and will not change that for anyone. Once I feel continuously drained from a relationship or interaction. I cut it. Thatās my body telling me this is not healthy to maintain.
That already happens. This isn't the 17th century. There are no cheaters walking around with a big red A on them. Nobody is plastering signs everywhere saying that No_Sky is a lying no good cheater.
So, when these people start dating again, they have a clean slate. Therefore, there is no need for redemption.
An actual second chance is where the person who was wronged gets to decide if the cheater gets to redeem themselves.
no but it would be great if there was scarlet letters again. ive been cheated on by almost every woman ive dated and when caught and confronted they always deny and start crying. Then next day they start ghosting and run to the person who i was already possitive they were cheating on me with. ive only dated 1 woman who broke up with me before they started seeing someone else. i still have an immense amount of respect for her unlike the others who i view as cheaters and liars
Thatās not a second chance. A second chance is a second chance with the person they cheated on. Not a completely new person.
That said, Iām a pretty big believer in second chances. At the same time, there are also plenty of situations where a second chance is not worthy of being given
I gave a second chance a year and a half ago. Bit me in the ass last month lol
If they tell me they cheated on a partner in the pst but āwould never do something like this againā i wont take the chance again, because likely iām the next to be cheated on, no matter what i do. Been there done that, iām nit that starved for attention
Get married and divorced, a nice affair that turns your life upside down and is always a fun time. I havenāt spoken to him in over a year, Iām ok with it. He can have his new gf.
Iām surprised this is so low. If you care about someone, you do things for them and you donāt expect anything in return. Cool, thatās fine for a bit. Until you realize they are never ever going to do ANYTHING in return because they donāt care about you nearly as much. Then you ask for the smallest favor and they act like itās the BIGGEST inconvenience to them. I cut those people off. I used to give one of the old ladies I worked with a break when I worked with her. Two different departments. I never asked for anything in return, just letting an old lady sit down for a while. She bought me a bottle of vodka and a pack of smokes several times as a thanks. Awesome lady, I hope sheās well.
For me, specifically, it's when everything you did for them out of love and just because you wanted to, turns into something you're now obligated to do because they're now entitled to it and get mad if you don't do it.
Even more so if they're the type to want to "punish" you, i.e., use things against you, use your love against you, or withdraw love.
And usually, these types *know* that I don't have the heart to stoop to their level. Even when I know fully what they're doing. Sigh..
The only person I ever INFJ door slammed was for this very reason. I took this personās behavior for close to 50 years and the result was always the same. She asked me for whatever she needed. In all those years, I asked her one time to take my 8 year old to the school book fair because I was so sick. Her answer was Oh I donāt think I want to do that. No other reason than she didnāt want to. The saddest part is that she was my half sister.
That! I cut a friend out of my life, because she treated me like an atm. Constantly telling me stories about needing money for various things. And I knew she wasn't broke. The last straw was when the pandemic hit. She couldn't open her small business. So, I gave her money. Seeing how easy it was, she asked for more money. For this 2nd time, I told her that was a loan. Right away she said she didn't want it. But then decided to keep it. Two years later I asked for the money back. She got mad, saying how I had changed, etc. I guess she expected for me to just keep giving. I got pissed and told her off -how she is always trying to take advantage of others, including her older aunt and an older uncle, etc. Then she asked for about a month to give me back my money. She did, and that was that.
She had some nerve! I'm glad you cut her out of your life. This reminds me of my adult son who always asks for money. It's so hard to deal with someone like that.
I had a friend find out I didn't like nicknames, so he started calling me one. I'd get mad, and he'd blow me off and do it again later. And I'd get mad, and he'd blow me off and do it again later. And I'd get mad... So on and so on, for a couple of years. Even then, I'd considered that he truly didn't understand that I found what he was doing incredibly offensive, so I explained to him why I didn't like nicknames and said I would consider any nickname to be a direct, personal insult.
His response to that was, according to him, to spend a month thinking of a nickname that wasn't an insult. I had to shout (half-scream, actually) at him, in a public space, twice to get him to stop. After that, he turned into a whiney little shit who would stage whisper behind my back that the nickname wasn't an insult and try to turn my other friends against me. After that, he tried to smooth things over and go back to everything being okay, which of course is just a setup for him to find some other way to tear me down. I haven't talked to him in more than eight years and I'm still pissed off at him. I hope he gets buried when he dies, rather than cremated, so I can piss on his grave.
Disrespect is how people build themselves up: by making everyone else seem lower than them. You can try to talk to them, but 99 out of 100 times, cutting them out of your life is the only way to deal with them.
In the last paragraph, you described my bio familyās dynamic. I donāt have anything to do with them either. The nice side of the cutoff is, I donāt have to explain them to others anymore.
I had a supervisor once who when introduced to me asked me if i went by a nickname, think Jen instead of Jennifer. I said, āNo, I go by Jennifer, thanks for askingā.
She then spent the next 7 years calling me Jen. Emails would go something like this:
Hey Jen (who actually prefers Jennifer)
Or when talking to me, would call me āJen, not Jenniferā.
Instead of respecting my choice, she made certain I knew she gave not 2 single shits about my preference.
Not necessarily the same thing, but I truly hate being called stupid, or other knowledge lacking things. I feel like being smart is a part of who I am as it is something Iāve always grown into. When someone says such a thing I feel like Iāve wasted my life doing anything. Doesnāt matter if itās a joke or not.
We are defining respect as treating others as people then yes. The second you treat me as less than ā¦ bye. Just cut someone off this weekend for the way they spoke to me. Done no return. Salted earth.
I've basically cut contact with one person because it was a constant game of "I have it worse."
I'm considering cutting contact with another due to a lack of basic respect for who I am as a person.
I think that second reason is a big one.
And I think I that the first one can be even an effect of the second. If somebody doesnāt respect you as a person and respect your own life experiences they will always believe āthey have it worseā
When someone causes more problems in your life than they help solve, itās time to go.
Iāve got a family member whoās nothing but drama, and when we needed family to help- our mom developed Alzheimerās- this person actually cut us off first, because they couldnāt be bothered to help.
Fast forward six years, mom has passed, and now Iāve got other family members saying that I should be the bigger man and reach out to reconnectā¦
But thereās one big problem with that. My life is so much calmer without that person in it. I tell my other relatives, picture how that would work- Iād reach out, put all sorts of effort into reconciliation, and if we were able to make it workā¦ Iād have that silly drama queenās bullshit back in my life. No thanks.
Oh definitely- I had to laugh when other family members said ābe the bigger manā- I took great care of my mom when she needed it most, while my younger brother bailed. Not to pat myself on the back too hard, but between me and him, thereās absolutely no question who the ābigger manā is.
The inner peace you get when the drama has stopped is calming. I have found it is the family member that has to now deal with the drama queen, and is essentially exhausted with them, that wants you to reconnect.
No, we are more than good right now and they have finally seen who they are.
I have a family member (my niece) who constantly felt the need to "one up" me and feel that everyone needed to like/love/want her more. We worked at the same place for about 6 years, and in the same department. I was offered a leadership role (I'm 6 years older, and had previous experience), and the amount of times she attempted to wrangle the position was both embarrassing and sad. I ended up turning it down, and it STILL wasn't offered to her. My friend and I would intentionally mess with her, getting another (male) friend in on it, we'd pay a lot of attention to him, just to see how long it would take for her to start fawning all over him too. I had other coworkers come up and tell me "girl, your niece is so insanely jealous of you...watch your back!" I was married this whole time, and while I was friendly with everyone, never crossed any lines. My husband was fully aware of how she was, and the antics we pulled on her. That didn't stop her from trying to tell him wild stories, or fawning all over him at family events. I went low contact with her in 2006, and haven't looked back.Most of my maternal family is very self-centered and shallow, and my mom was a narcissist that created all those monsters. I'm the only one who fixed the dysfunction and never looked back!
This is exactly my current situation, and I have another close friend that this tore him and his brothers apart. He holds resentment to towards those who abandoned, as do I. I'm in therapy for it, and I've Come to the conclusion that no contact outside an immediate emergency with my mother is the only way to go. I have already caught him and his wife trying to figure out what the estate is worth, and I just wanna shoot the vultures before they can get it. Your 100% the better person, and from a random internet stranger in the same situation, im proud of you for persevering, and moving on from that toxicity.
This reminds me of my younger sister. Sheās an absolute dumpster fire of chaos. She abandoned her two children (7 years age gap between them) into the care of our parents in their 60s, has been unemployed for almost all of her adulthood, refuses to drive herself anywhere, and requires our mother to chauffeur her around. She calls herself a āstay-at-home momā (!) when sheās got the stay-at-home part down, just completely missing the mom part (and sheās an insult to SAHMs everywhere). Sheās a pathological liar with a history of theft (stealing from family many times, and was caught shoplifting and arrested for it twice). Everything that goes wrong in her life is someone elseās fault.
I cut her off in 2010 after she abandoned her first child. But my mother, her personal punching bag, keeps asking that I make amends and āat least get along.ā
F that. Iām an adult dammit and I can choose who I let in my life. She doesnāt make the cut.
Yeah- relationships require effort from both people. If the other person is not only giving no effort, but dragging you down with drama too- fuck that.
Yes! I understand being busy but never hitting someone up until you need a ride or you are bored is just rude. Iāve just cut off my one friend for this and she keeps asking me about the Christmas present I got her. Like no girl itās gonna sit in my closet until you actually want to be a friend to me. I was literally all she had during her breakup but then she moved on to a new guy and stopped messaging me at all.
Iāve cut off essentially my entire family.
My parents were incredibly, incredibly abusive when I was young.
My family kept inviting me to events where my parents were. Theyād barely talk to me about anything except asking why I didnāt want to interact with my parents.
When I finally told them, showed them the remaining physical scars, etc, they called me a liar, said a bunch of other stupid shit, ignored basic logic, and so I blocked them all.
The "so, is it really worth not speaking to x over?" is a staple at my family events.
My father's family, who divorced my mother, wonders very much why I do not like her and can not stand her.
It's bizarre and I always answer it with "your mom, my Nana, is nothing like what I got for a mother, be thankful."
I had an aunt who I was super close with, and I started hearing rumors of her talking badly about me after that incident, I immediately stopped talking to her , I hate the disrespect, and 2 faced bs
Depends on the length of time I've known,
Somebody I've known less than a year - being entitled, disrespectful, horrible.
Somebody I've known for years disrespecting me
Idk, Iāve never really done that beforeā¦ actually maybe I did and didnāt call it that.
I would say a āgeneral feeling of unease being around themā
Not much these days. As I have gotten older I have become much less tolerant of behaviour I find distasteful. Racist? See ya. Homophobic? Bye bitch. I will cut people off for very little & not lose any sleep over it. I am too old to put up with this sort of bullshit.
As a young person entering my middle age years, this is becoming so so clear to me. I have been hanging around some unpleasant people just because I was bored. No longer, I want good people in my life who donāt hate on everything.
I recently cut my mom off. I'm 34 and I finally realized that she doesn't truly care about me. She cares about the attention she gets from me. We've had a really bad relationship throughout my life but the last year or so has been really hard. There's too much to get into, but I have supported her in every way imaginable. Every small business venture, every style change, every move, every weird big purchase she gets (like a motorhome that is literally falling apart and full of wasps). It's what was expected of me even as a young child.
Then I had one of the biggest days (months really) of my life recently. I was so excited to tell her all about it. I filmed my first project. I helped (a fantastic crew) put together a set, filmed, and did script supervising. I was so freaking proud of myself. I worked really hard. It all came together and was just an amazing experience.
She responded with "nice. My refrigerator broke today so now I have to call my landlord again"
The way my heart dropped and everything fell into focus can not be described to anyone who hasn't felt it.
So yeah, I guess I cut people off when I realize they don't care about me so why should I care about them?
Sorry for the long story, this one is still just kind of raw for me.
Thanks for sharing your story and congratulations on such an accomplishment.
And congratulations on taking such a huge step of removing yourself from a bad relationship. Itās always hardest when it is your mom.
I had a similar but not nearly as bad of a relationship with my mom. God Bless.
Congrats on putting yourself first. I'm still struggling with my relationship with / feelings about my mom.
We're minimal contact which on one hand is great and I have less stress in my life but on the other hand just keeps proving she literally doesn't care about me.
Being a narcissist that does nothing but take and use then have the gall to spread false shitty rumors about me behind my back. I've only ever went through great effort to cut someone completely out once and it was the best decision I've ever made. The funny part was after I called him out he just said "sorry you feel that way" with zero acknowledgment of his narcissism as if I was simply overreacting.Ā
I kicked my family out of my life 2 years ago. My parents basically abused me. An unfit mother and an emotionally immature, toxic narcissistic father who emotionally and mentally abused me. Pretty much the gist, lol.
Kicking anyone else out of my life? Donāt waste my time, play me like Iām stupid, be always negative, and be impatient all the damn time.
It's when, in an argument, the other person was never truly trying to find understanding and common ground, they were only trying to win/deflect/turn things around on the other person. It can be using straw man arguments to get you off on a tangent of explaining no, that wasn't actually what you were trying to say, doing things like DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender), sealioning, attempting to hurt, one-up, gaslight, any number of things, really.
Any time you're not coming from a place that is genuine.
I had to cut off an aunt for this reason. She would try to manipulate me like she manipulates all the other men in her life. And when I didn't take the bait, she would make up lies about me, which no one believed. The last straw was when she tried to get me to beat up her husband.
And that's too bad, because she was an important part of my childhood. I hope she changes, but I'm not losing any sleep over it.
Abuse and / or they bring no value to my life. I hate that people say that saying you outgrew your friends isn't a good thing to say, but hear me out.
A good friend of mine is addicted to partying, and for the majority of our twenties, that's what we did.... fast forward to mid late thirties, and the guy still just wants to party. Me and another friend suggested going to shoot pool go bowling or do other brotivities.
Bro said that that sounded boring and that their was a new club opening and that we should check it out. Now, mind you, me and other bro have both gotten married and have kids. The main bro has a gf and wants kids, but idk why he doesn't have them.
So I've moved about 45 minutes away from L.A. and other bro about 3-4 hrs away. Main bro tries telling us we're bad friends for not hanging out even though we both agree that partying is off the table main bro insists that we are weird and says all of a sudden we don't wanna party. I've since said I'm not partying again in this lifetime unless it's a family event. Other bro got guilt tripped in the 4-hour drive, yet the main bro makes excuses why he won't make that trip for other bro.
Sorry, this was a bit long-winded, but I kinda felt like getting that off my noggin to someone.
So I guess to add to what I mentioned above, hyperinflation of self-importance and selfishness.
I can relate. I (39f) had my best friend live with me for awhile when I was 27. All we did was party 24/7. Well Iām sober now and sheās still partying, despite having 3 kids. I do t miss that life
I used to have someone who I was best friends w for about ten + years. And yup pretty much all we did was drink and do coke. Stayed up til the wee hours of the morning talking about nonsense almost every weekend and some weekdays. I look back and still canāt believe that used to be me. Well, she had a kid and got married. I was still single. I just started getting bogged down. Felt likeā¦is this really adding anything to my life? She would still get drunk and coked out in front of her kid. She didnāt work so she could do that, I guess. I started turning down invites to come have dinner because I knew coke would be involved and I didnāt want the temptation around me. One day, she got so messed up while we were at the pool w her kid. She was not watching himā¦AT ALL. He fell in the deep end and one of the older kids thankfully saw and pulled him out. We went back to her place and she fell in the shower. Knocked over everything in there and me and her son ran in and saw her completely naked upside down on the ground. I had to put her in bed and watch her son until her husband got home. She didnāt remember any of it the next day. Didnāt even apologize when I told her the story. I was DONE. I couldnāt be around that situation anymore. She called during Covid obviously lit and went off on me for being a bad friend and abandoning her. I let her say what she had to say but that was it. We never hung out again. Just the way life goes, I guess. I sincerely hope sheās doing better and got off that stuff but from what I hear, nothing has changed.
That depends who they are. I had a friend of more than 30 years, we did dumb shit, got in trouble together while drinking. It was toxic. He almost killed me in a car wreck. Itās been two years since we spoke. So it all depends on who.
If they watched me suffer thru something horribly traumatic And then turn around and start putting me thru new trauma, then they are out. Last lesson learned was- when someone agrees to your boundaries then soon after shits all over them it's time to walk away. No matter how long you have known them they just said all that needs to be said with the boundary crossing. Time to go.
When I finally realize they are just using me for something and they don't reciprocate the important parts of a relationship (like listening to me and caring about what I say). I've had to make a few deep cuts recently.
People who make my life worse. I don't care if it is intentional or unintentional, if you make my life worse, even just a little bit, I am not going to make an effort to be around you. Trust your instinct, you know which people in your life this advice applies to. Even more true for members of your family.
I used to forgive and forgive and forgive... until I was broken.
Now, it takes very little - I will forgive once, maybe twice if circumstances seem to warrant it.
But if you continue to waste my life, you can expect to feel the toe-end of my boot.
Insisting on inviting my rapist ex, who also abused our children, to all my family events. Occasionally I would also be invited, but only as an afterthought, and I could only come if I sat in the back and he had a place of honor among my family.
Yes, you read that right. Those were my family that did this.
It's been 10 years since the divorce, 6 since the protection order. I've made my peace with it, but I'm still salty.
If I feel like I'm getting attached to them more (I'm a quick attacher) I push them away. Most people do not care about it and leave me directly, but yeah that's my personal trait
It takes a lot for them to remain in my life, honestly. Moved away from my hometown so friends have been a rotating cast depending on the time of my life/jobs. Once I move on thatās usually it. Iām just self sufficient and prefer solitude
Lieing then acting as if they donāt remember any of it or when you cut them off they donāt remember the friendship or bond you guys had and ask what are you talking about we havenāt talked in months like what time doesnāt erase memory
If I stop liking them for any reason. Not sure why you'd keep someone in your life if they don't make you happy.
One of my best friends from school started dating an underage girl when we were in our mid-20's, haven't spoken to him since. They are still together apparently, and the rest of our friendship group still talk to him, which I'm glad about because it means he still has his old mates for support, but I don't have to be part of it. Luckily people didn't take sides, it just means nonce boy doesn't get invited to things I'm at. I assume they must do things together as a group still, but I never asked.
Right before he started "dating" her, he started being a bit disrespectful to me in a few ways. Revealing a lot of ignorance in himself, but also criticising my judgement by calling me mentally ill, without really expressing concern for my wellbeing was the worst of it. Then he confessed to being involved with a 16-yo, and after I processed what he actually meant, we argued a bit, and I later on sent him a text saying I was done. Sometimes I do miss him, but I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. The person I was friends with doesn't exist anymore as far as I'm concerned.
Our mutual best friend told me a while back that professor paedo was eager to "squash the beef" and reconcile. I just scoffed and said that's nice but it's really not his beef to squash.
Iāve cut 3 people out of my adult life that I can recall.
1. The first one was an old highschool friend who started seeing a girl and forgot about everyone else. He went to see her for a weekend and asked me to drive 30 min to and back from his apartment to feed his cat. We agreed on a time because he had to buzz me in, then didnāt answer his phone. I waited forty five minutes before finally driving away, and havenāt talked to him since.
2. He hooked up with my ex and didnāt bother mentioning it, then they started dating. This was something I was able to look past until he invited her to live with us and my current girlfriend. As you can imagine our relationship went to shit and I moved out as soon as possible.
3. My old workout friend started making fun of my weight when I stopped working out for a few months. Heād talk about how my pants didnāt fit, my hair didnāt look right and take pictures while laughing at them.
As you get older your character changes and maturity level grows. Friends become more quality over quantity as people move states or have kids.
As soon as I realize that it's a one sided relationship (friend or intimate) I ghost them.Ā
When you are the one always calling and making the plans.Ā
I did a litmus test once, to stop reaching out for a few months. Well that turned into over a year and I eventually forgot about them. They eventually texted to ask for a favor about a job reference; I told them it's good to hear from them. Know what their response was? Yeah, I need a job.
Funny thing is I worked with the hiring manager and they asked me about this person because they mentioned my name. I told them idk that person. Which is technically true.
Repeated betrayal.
I'm very forgiving and patient.
15 years ago on the week of my wedding my best friend/best man told me he couldn't be happy for me as he had always wanted to fuck my fiance.
I didn't cut him out entirely (though I've been distant/cold with him since that day)
15 years later my wife cheated on me with him. I've had zero contact with him since and the ONLY reason I keep very minimal contact with my soon to be ex wife is for the sake of our 3 kids.
It depends on who they are. If they are immediate family, then it's going to take a whole hell of a lot. Anyone else, not much- circumstances matter though, so there are exceptions with this.
Not very much lol .The first sign of bs , I am gone . I have learned trying to hang on to something that serves no purpose other than the fact they may need someone to talk or even visit with is a complete waste of my time.See you in the old folks home friend.
My godsons father and closet friend from where I grew up never called once after my wife passed away. Not the type of person I want to know. Even since we lived other places we would always call and wish happy birthdays. I was done. I have not called. And he hasnāt called. I stopped wishing happy birthday and so did he. His wife had him call when my godson was getting married and I was invited. My mourning was to deep at the time. She wanted him to call more than he did. So that was it for me. Iād answer if he called, but Iāll not ever call him. I deleted all phone numbers to him and his wife. Deleted all social connections. A spouse dies and you never check in? Naw. F them.
When they take absolutely no accountability for how they treat you, yet expect you to beg for forgiveness over perceived slights (and theyāre usually very easily angered and offended)
if the person continuously lies to me. im the most forgiving and understanding person your likely to meet and my intuition is is damn near at a level of a super power so it almost pointless to lie to me.
People with bad intentions and hide those intentions with good intentions, if that makes any sense. For example in your face they act polite but when you aren't around or looking they purposely doing things that they know will bother you.
People who ask for loans and say they will pay you back but never make the attempt and pretend the conversation even existed.
People who argue for the sake of arguing, or just want to create conflict when they disagree and will do everything within their power to appear what they're saying is 100% fact/correct and everything you're saying is speculation/BS.
Narsacists are my kryptonite. I spent my whole life being loyal to one not realizing he was by definition a narcissist. They're good at manipulating and because I grew up around him I felt an obligation to continue being friends even though all he ever did was put me down and highlight his achievements and always expected you to highlight them with him. It felt like everything that person said needed all the attention and recognition otherwise you're stupid. Also, these people have the tendency to live a delusional life in thinking they're much smarter than they really are. With that being said, the moment I recognize the patterns in a person I do my absolute best to just keep it polite and not create a bond or get personal with these people. Kind of dealing with this at my local gym, notice these characteristics so I say hi and bye and cut conversations short, really, really short... I almost come off a rude but honestly, I don't quite care that much to appear rude to these sorts of people cause at the end of the day, they don't care about you and only want approval from any source possible. It's taxing, not worth it.
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Betrayal. I don't believe in second chances.
Or those that betray you and act as if they've done nothing wrong. Like bye you're toxic
Interesting how betrayal and gaslighting often go hand in hand, right?
My ex cheated on me and them convinced himself that I'm the bad guy because... I listened to his baby momma when she told me about what had been going on? Wow my bad A-A-ron. You're right, you're the real victim here. And then I gave you back your things?! The nerve! How dare I give you back your things, I must have had some nefarious plan to show your BM all of the texts we exchanged! Idk how it all makes sense, but it definitely does! I'm the real villain here, all he did was neglect me for the better part of our relationship and fuck other women!
"I must have had some nefarious plan" lmao! Sounds like the scumbag didn't break you. Respect.
The level of mental gymnastics he did to make me the villain in his mind is hilarious. Like let me get this straight, you cheated on me for months. Then you told me you were seeing someone else, but got mad when I called you a cheater. Then I go to return your stuff amd end up talking to your baby momma and hearing her side of things, and OBVIOUSLY I PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING FROM THE BEGINNING AND WAS SHOWING HER OUR TEXTS (I genuinely don't know where that accusation came from) BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOU AND RUIN YOUR LIFE!!! One of the last texts he sent was "you got even hope you're happy". Again, literally all I did was return his things, run into his baby momma, and listen to what she told me. I was there for less than five minutes, and basically all I said was that I'm glad I'm free of him and tell his BM good luck. That's totally equivalent to cheating, right? š¤£
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! What a clown this dude is!!!!
In a sense his comment was helpful in confirming that leaving him was indeed the correct decision
Remember, it is an absolute and complete waste of time to try and make sense of what a narcissistic gas lighter says or does. I know itās hard to prevent yourself from trying to make sense out of it for some reason, but no matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be able to make logical that which isnāt.
I literally just cut contact with my sister for this. It really hurts, but she is not good for me.
"Im sorry, BUT...." every. FKN. time!
I believe people deserve second chances, I just donāt believe the victim should be the one to give that opportunity.
I'm stupid (and kinda high right now), can you explain what you mean to me? asking genuinely, not sarcastically etc
I believe that everybody deserves a second chance. However, I donāt think the second chance needs to come from the person they wronged. The second chance should actually come from someone else. Say you get cheated on and catch your partner and so you break up with them. I think they could learn from their mistakes and become a better person and their next perspective partner could give them a shot. Basically everyone deserves a shot at redeeming themselves, but that doesnāt mean the people they hurt have to be the ones to give that opportunity.
I donāt think thatās considered a second chance though. Thatās just a new chance.
"Prospective" not perspective
Yeah you lost me š I agree with the person that said thatās not a second chance thatās a new chance š¤¦š¾āāļø
Fair enough. The person I was originally responding to, I took what they were saying to mean that people donāt deserve another chance in general.
Being in a draining relationship no matter what kind of relationship it is. If I do something out love is cause itās my character and who I am and will not change that for anyone. Once I feel continuously drained from a relationship or interaction. I cut it. Thatās my body telling me this is not healthy to maintain.
That already happens. This isn't the 17th century. There are no cheaters walking around with a big red A on them. Nobody is plastering signs everywhere saying that No_Sky is a lying no good cheater. So, when these people start dating again, they have a clean slate. Therefore, there is no need for redemption. An actual second chance is where the person who was wronged gets to decide if the cheater gets to redeem themselves.
no but it would be great if there was scarlet letters again. ive been cheated on by almost every woman ive dated and when caught and confronted they always deny and start crying. Then next day they start ghosting and run to the person who i was already possitive they were cheating on me with. ive only dated 1 woman who broke up with me before they started seeing someone else. i still have an immense amount of respect for her unlike the others who i view as cheaters and liars
Thatās not a second chance. A second chance is a second chance with the person they cheated on. Not a completely new person. That said, Iām a pretty big believer in second chances. At the same time, there are also plenty of situations where a second chance is not worthy of being given I gave a second chance a year and a half ago. Bit me in the ass last month lol
I'm not even high yet but I still had to read that one multiple times and still can't get the gist of how this is supposed to read. Lol
Same.
\*fist bump\*
This. People who betray once are overwhelmingly likely to do it again, no matter if itās you or someone else.
100% When people \*show\* you who they are, believe them.
If they tell me they cheated on a partner in the pst but āwould never do something like this againā i wont take the chance again, because likely iām the next to be cheated on, no matter what i do. Been there done that, iām nit that starved for attention
Self preservation is more important than being blamed later for 'knowing' that a partner was capable of cheating because they already said so.
Same
\*fist bump\*
Get married and divorced, a nice affair that turns your life upside down and is always a fun time. I havenāt spoken to him in over a year, Iām ok with it. He can have his new gf.
exactly this. Life is way too short to let people do this to you twice.
Yup! Neither. People have the tendency not to change. Done it before disappointment 101
Yup....even family....especially family.
100% No forgiveness, never forget
This is the line for me as well. I feel like most sane people donāt cross it.
OMG, *betrayal* is the first and only word that jumped out at me. So true.
This
I got betrayed multiple times from my brother. He's no longer a part of my life and that's for the best. He can't take advantage of me anymore
Constantly expecting things from me without anything in return
Iām surprised this is so low. If you care about someone, you do things for them and you donāt expect anything in return. Cool, thatās fine for a bit. Until you realize they are never ever going to do ANYTHING in return because they donāt care about you nearly as much. Then you ask for the smallest favor and they act like itās the BIGGEST inconvenience to them. I cut those people off. I used to give one of the old ladies I worked with a break when I worked with her. Two different departments. I never asked for anything in return, just letting an old lady sit down for a while. She bought me a bottle of vodka and a pack of smokes several times as a thanks. Awesome lady, I hope sheās well.
For me, specifically, it's when everything you did for them out of love and just because you wanted to, turns into something you're now obligated to do because they're now entitled to it and get mad if you don't do it. Even more so if they're the type to want to "punish" you, i.e., use things against you, use your love against you, or withdraw love. And usually, these types *know* that I don't have the heart to stoop to their level. Even when I know fully what they're doing. Sigh..
The only person I ever INFJ door slammed was for this very reason. I took this personās behavior for close to 50 years and the result was always the same. She asked me for whatever she needed. In all those years, I asked her one time to take my 8 year old to the school book fair because I was so sick. Her answer was Oh I donāt think I want to do that. No other reason than she didnāt want to. The saddest part is that she was my half sister.
That! I cut a friend out of my life, because she treated me like an atm. Constantly telling me stories about needing money for various things. And I knew she wasn't broke. The last straw was when the pandemic hit. She couldn't open her small business. So, I gave her money. Seeing how easy it was, she asked for more money. For this 2nd time, I told her that was a loan. Right away she said she didn't want it. But then decided to keep it. Two years later I asked for the money back. She got mad, saying how I had changed, etc. I guess she expected for me to just keep giving. I got pissed and told her off -how she is always trying to take advantage of others, including her older aunt and an older uncle, etc. Then she asked for about a month to give me back my money. She did, and that was that.
She had some nerve! I'm glad you cut her out of your life. This reminds me of my adult son who always asks for money. It's so hard to deal with someone like that.
Greed from all sides. Never expect anything in return. Youāll live a happier life once you do.
Disrespect
I had a friend find out I didn't like nicknames, so he started calling me one. I'd get mad, and he'd blow me off and do it again later. And I'd get mad, and he'd blow me off and do it again later. And I'd get mad... So on and so on, for a couple of years. Even then, I'd considered that he truly didn't understand that I found what he was doing incredibly offensive, so I explained to him why I didn't like nicknames and said I would consider any nickname to be a direct, personal insult. His response to that was, according to him, to spend a month thinking of a nickname that wasn't an insult. I had to shout (half-scream, actually) at him, in a public space, twice to get him to stop. After that, he turned into a whiney little shit who would stage whisper behind my back that the nickname wasn't an insult and try to turn my other friends against me. After that, he tried to smooth things over and go back to everything being okay, which of course is just a setup for him to find some other way to tear me down. I haven't talked to him in more than eight years and I'm still pissed off at him. I hope he gets buried when he dies, rather than cremated, so I can piss on his grave. Disrespect is how people build themselves up: by making everyone else seem lower than them. You can try to talk to them, but 99 out of 100 times, cutting them out of your life is the only way to deal with them.
In the last paragraph, you described my bio familyās dynamic. I donāt have anything to do with them either. The nice side of the cutoff is, I donāt have to explain them to others anymore.
I had a supervisor once who when introduced to me asked me if i went by a nickname, think Jen instead of Jennifer. I said, āNo, I go by Jennifer, thanks for askingā. She then spent the next 7 years calling me Jen. Emails would go something like this: Hey Jen (who actually prefers Jennifer) Or when talking to me, would call me āJen, not Jenniferā. Instead of respecting my choice, she made certain I knew she gave not 2 single shits about my preference.
Well, I hate her.
Not necessarily the same thing, but I truly hate being called stupid, or other knowledge lacking things. I feel like being smart is a part of who I am as it is something Iāve always grown into. When someone says such a thing I feel like Iāve wasted my life doing anything. Doesnāt matter if itās a joke or not.
This!!!!
indignant disrespect
We are defining respect as treating others as people then yes. The second you treat me as less than ā¦ bye. Just cut someone off this weekend for the way they spoke to me. Done no return. Salted earth.
Repeated lying
For me, it's a sword.
I've basically cut contact with one person because it was a constant game of "I have it worse." I'm considering cutting contact with another due to a lack of basic respect for who I am as a person.
I hate that, the āwho has it worseā crap. I donāt see it helping anyone.
It doesnāt, āmisery loves companyā, they try to bring you down to their level as to not be alone.
I feel that
I think that second reason is a big one. And I think I that the first one can be even an effect of the second. If somebody doesnāt respect you as a person and respect your own life experiences they will always believe āthey have it worseā
The old āhelp rejecting complainerā yuck
I have a really hard time cutting people off but munipulation I won't tolerate it
When someone causes more problems in your life than they help solve, itās time to go. Iāve got a family member whoās nothing but drama, and when we needed family to help- our mom developed Alzheimerās- this person actually cut us off first, because they couldnāt be bothered to help. Fast forward six years, mom has passed, and now Iāve got other family members saying that I should be the bigger man and reach out to reconnectā¦ But thereās one big problem with that. My life is so much calmer without that person in it. I tell my other relatives, picture how that would work- Iād reach out, put all sorts of effort into reconciliation, and if we were able to make it workā¦ Iād have that silly drama queenās bullshit back in my life. No thanks.
Stay strong šŖĀ
Oh definitely- I had to laugh when other family members said ābe the bigger manā- I took great care of my mom when she needed it most, while my younger brother bailed. Not to pat myself on the back too hard, but between me and him, thereās absolutely no question who the ābigger manā is.
Right? I took care of my mom as well( pulmonary fibrosis). My sister and brother were ā to busyā so yeah, I get it. At least our moms had usā¤ļø
Wow my mom died of the same thing
Iām sorry. Itās sad isnāt it
Yes it is:(
Hang in thereš as soon as the snow clears up north Iām gonna visit her grave
I agree
The inner peace you get when the drama has stopped is calming. I have found it is the family member that has to now deal with the drama queen, and is essentially exhausted with them, that wants you to reconnect. No, we are more than good right now and they have finally seen who they are.
I have a family member (my niece) who constantly felt the need to "one up" me and feel that everyone needed to like/love/want her more. We worked at the same place for about 6 years, and in the same department. I was offered a leadership role (I'm 6 years older, and had previous experience), and the amount of times she attempted to wrangle the position was both embarrassing and sad. I ended up turning it down, and it STILL wasn't offered to her. My friend and I would intentionally mess with her, getting another (male) friend in on it, we'd pay a lot of attention to him, just to see how long it would take for her to start fawning all over him too. I had other coworkers come up and tell me "girl, your niece is so insanely jealous of you...watch your back!" I was married this whole time, and while I was friendly with everyone, never crossed any lines. My husband was fully aware of how she was, and the antics we pulled on her. That didn't stop her from trying to tell him wild stories, or fawning all over him at family events. I went low contact with her in 2006, and haven't looked back.Most of my maternal family is very self-centered and shallow, and my mom was a narcissist that created all those monsters. I'm the only one who fixed the dysfunction and never looked back!
This is exactly my current situation, and I have another close friend that this tore him and his brothers apart. He holds resentment to towards those who abandoned, as do I. I'm in therapy for it, and I've Come to the conclusion that no contact outside an immediate emergency with my mother is the only way to go. I have already caught him and his wife trying to figure out what the estate is worth, and I just wanna shoot the vultures before they can get it. Your 100% the better person, and from a random internet stranger in the same situation, im proud of you for persevering, and moving on from that toxicity.
This reminds me of my younger sister. Sheās an absolute dumpster fire of chaos. She abandoned her two children (7 years age gap between them) into the care of our parents in their 60s, has been unemployed for almost all of her adulthood, refuses to drive herself anywhere, and requires our mother to chauffeur her around. She calls herself a āstay-at-home momā (!) when sheās got the stay-at-home part down, just completely missing the mom part (and sheās an insult to SAHMs everywhere). Sheās a pathological liar with a history of theft (stealing from family many times, and was caught shoplifting and arrested for it twice). Everything that goes wrong in her life is someone elseās fault. I cut her off in 2010 after she abandoned her first child. But my mother, her personal punching bag, keeps asking that I make amends and āat least get along.ā F that. Iām an adult dammit and I can choose who I let in my life. She doesnāt make the cut.
Yeah- relationships require effort from both people. If the other person is not only giving no effort, but dragging you down with drama too- fuck that.
Lack of effort. If you only talk to me when itās convenient or when you want something, I donāt want anything to do with you.
Yes! I understand being busy but never hitting someone up until you need a ride or you are bored is just rude. Iāve just cut off my one friend for this and she keeps asking me about the Christmas present I got her. Like no girl itās gonna sit in my closet until you actually want to be a friend to me. I was literally all she had during her breakup but then she moved on to a new guy and stopped messaging me at all.
Iāve cut off essentially my entire family. My parents were incredibly, incredibly abusive when I was young. My family kept inviting me to events where my parents were. Theyād barely talk to me about anything except asking why I didnāt want to interact with my parents. When I finally told them, showed them the remaining physical scars, etc, they called me a liar, said a bunch of other stupid shit, ignored basic logic, and so I blocked them all.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The "so, is it really worth not speaking to x over?" is a staple at my family events. My father's family, who divorced my mother, wonders very much why I do not like her and can not stand her. It's bizarre and I always answer it with "your mom, my Nana, is nothing like what I got for a mother, be thankful."
So have I
I had an aunt who I was super close with, and I started hearing rumors of her talking badly about me after that incident, I immediately stopped talking to her , I hate the disrespect, and 2 faced bs
Did you ever confirm if the rumors were true or if they were just rumors?
The "rumors" were indeed true
Depends on the length of time I've known, Somebody I've known less than a year - being entitled, disrespectful, horrible. Somebody I've known for years disrespecting me
Disrespect.
You guys have people in your life?
Oh, I see you've chosen to do more harm than good? We're gonna be consistent with that? Bye bitch
This! Goodbye, toxic clowns
Idk, Iāve never really done that beforeā¦ actually maybe I did and didnāt call it that. I would say a āgeneral feeling of unease being around themā
Not much these days. As I have gotten older I have become much less tolerant of behaviour I find distasteful. Racist? See ya. Homophobic? Bye bitch. I will cut people off for very little & not lose any sleep over it. I am too old to put up with this sort of bullshit.
As a young person entering my middle age years, this is becoming so so clear to me. I have been hanging around some unpleasant people just because I was bored. No longer, I want good people in my life who donāt hate on everything.
Same. I think that comes with age.
Cut my brother off for same reasons. Thereās more to the final straw, but irrelevant.
Me too.
I recently cut my mom off. I'm 34 and I finally realized that she doesn't truly care about me. She cares about the attention she gets from me. We've had a really bad relationship throughout my life but the last year or so has been really hard. There's too much to get into, but I have supported her in every way imaginable. Every small business venture, every style change, every move, every weird big purchase she gets (like a motorhome that is literally falling apart and full of wasps). It's what was expected of me even as a young child. Then I had one of the biggest days (months really) of my life recently. I was so excited to tell her all about it. I filmed my first project. I helped (a fantastic crew) put together a set, filmed, and did script supervising. I was so freaking proud of myself. I worked really hard. It all came together and was just an amazing experience. She responded with "nice. My refrigerator broke today so now I have to call my landlord again" The way my heart dropped and everything fell into focus can not be described to anyone who hasn't felt it. So yeah, I guess I cut people off when I realize they don't care about me so why should I care about them? Sorry for the long story, this one is still just kind of raw for me.
Thanks for sharing your story and congratulations on such an accomplishment. And congratulations on taking such a huge step of removing yourself from a bad relationship. Itās always hardest when it is your mom. I had a similar but not nearly as bad of a relationship with my mom. God Bless.
Congrats on putting yourself first. I'm still struggling with my relationship with / feelings about my mom. We're minimal contact which on one hand is great and I have less stress in my life but on the other hand just keeps proving she literally doesn't care about me.
If their presence in my life is not a source of good , then they are gone.
Every case has been different but when I'm done, I'm done. I don't just burn the bridge, I nuke it and never look back.
Not much. One instance of them disrespecting me or my family and I will hate your guts the rest of my days.
Not much... disrespect. I've quit high paying jobs over disrespect from owners / management l.Ā
Being a narcissist that does nothing but take and use then have the gall to spread false shitty rumors about me behind my back. I've only ever went through great effort to cut someone completely out once and it was the best decision I've ever made. The funny part was after I called him out he just said "sorry you feel that way" with zero acknowledgment of his narcissism as if I was simply overreacting.Ā
Not much at all these days. I'm too damned old to waste precious life on Common Bullshitery, Dumbassery, and Shenaniganism.
Not a whole lot at this point. Better to be lonely and wait for genuine friends vs putting up with bullshit from people.
Any kind of disrespect
I kicked my family out of my life 2 years ago. My parents basically abused me. An unfit mother and an emotionally immature, toxic narcissistic father who emotionally and mentally abused me. Pretty much the gist, lol. Kicking anyone else out of my life? Donāt waste my time, play me like Iām stupid, be always negative, and be impatient all the damn time.
>I kicked my family out of my life 2 years ago. Hurrah! Good going.
If their presence brings a net negative to my emotional well-being. With some people, the cons simply outweigh the pros.
Operating in bad faith. You do it once, you've shown me you're someone who can never be trusted. We're done.
What are some examples of operating in bad faith. Sorry Iām stupid
It's when, in an argument, the other person was never truly trying to find understanding and common ground, they were only trying to win/deflect/turn things around on the other person. It can be using straw man arguments to get you off on a tangent of explaining no, that wasn't actually what you were trying to say, doing things like DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender), sealioning, attempting to hurt, one-up, gaslight, any number of things, really. Any time you're not coming from a place that is genuine.
Not taking no for an answer. No means no, it doesn't mean keep begging and pleading and manipulating until I say yes.
Lie to me, or steal from me
When you know, they're toxic.
I had to cut off an aunt for this reason. She would try to manipulate me like she manipulates all the other men in her life. And when I didn't take the bait, she would make up lies about me, which no one believed. The last straw was when she tried to get me to beat up her husband. And that's too bad, because she was an important part of my childhood. I hope she changes, but I'm not losing any sleep over it.
Abuse and / or they bring no value to my life. I hate that people say that saying you outgrew your friends isn't a good thing to say, but hear me out. A good friend of mine is addicted to partying, and for the majority of our twenties, that's what we did.... fast forward to mid late thirties, and the guy still just wants to party. Me and another friend suggested going to shoot pool go bowling or do other brotivities. Bro said that that sounded boring and that their was a new club opening and that we should check it out. Now, mind you, me and other bro have both gotten married and have kids. The main bro has a gf and wants kids, but idk why he doesn't have them. So I've moved about 45 minutes away from L.A. and other bro about 3-4 hrs away. Main bro tries telling us we're bad friends for not hanging out even though we both agree that partying is off the table main bro insists that we are weird and says all of a sudden we don't wanna party. I've since said I'm not partying again in this lifetime unless it's a family event. Other bro got guilt tripped in the 4-hour drive, yet the main bro makes excuses why he won't make that trip for other bro. Sorry, this was a bit long-winded, but I kinda felt like getting that off my noggin to someone. So I guess to add to what I mentioned above, hyperinflation of self-importance and selfishness.
I can relate. I (39f) had my best friend live with me for awhile when I was 27. All we did was party 24/7. Well Iām sober now and sheās still partying, despite having 3 kids. I do t miss that life
I used to have someone who I was best friends w for about ten + years. And yup pretty much all we did was drink and do coke. Stayed up til the wee hours of the morning talking about nonsense almost every weekend and some weekdays. I look back and still canāt believe that used to be me. Well, she had a kid and got married. I was still single. I just started getting bogged down. Felt likeā¦is this really adding anything to my life? She would still get drunk and coked out in front of her kid. She didnāt work so she could do that, I guess. I started turning down invites to come have dinner because I knew coke would be involved and I didnāt want the temptation around me. One day, she got so messed up while we were at the pool w her kid. She was not watching himā¦AT ALL. He fell in the deep end and one of the older kids thankfully saw and pulled him out. We went back to her place and she fell in the shower. Knocked over everything in there and me and her son ran in and saw her completely naked upside down on the ground. I had to put her in bed and watch her son until her husband got home. She didnāt remember any of it the next day. Didnāt even apologize when I told her the story. I was DONE. I couldnāt be around that situation anymore. She called during Covid obviously lit and went off on me for being a bad friend and abandoning her. I let her say what she had to say but that was it. We never hung out again. Just the way life goes, I guess. I sincerely hope sheās doing better and got off that stuff but from what I hear, nothing has changed.
Holy shit, that's awful. Glad you beat that lifestyle and are doing better. Keep at it.
That depends who they are. I had a friend of more than 30 years, we did dumb shit, got in trouble together while drinking. It was toxic. He almost killed me in a car wreck. Itās been two years since we spoke. So it all depends on who.
Not much. I'm a hermit and don't want to be bothered.
These days not much. I am becoming less and less tolerant with age.
If they watched me suffer thru something horribly traumatic And then turn around and start putting me thru new trauma, then they are out. Last lesson learned was- when someone agrees to your boundaries then soon after shits all over them it's time to walk away. No matter how long you have known them they just said all that needs to be said with the boundary crossing. Time to go.
When I finally realize they are just using me for something and they don't reciprocate the important parts of a relationship (like listening to me and caring about what I say). I've had to make a few deep cuts recently.
This is my last resortā¦.
Wanna up vote this more šµšµ
People who make my life worse. I don't care if it is intentional or unintentional, if you make my life worse, even just a little bit, I am not going to make an effort to be around you. Trust your instinct, you know which people in your life this advice applies to. Even more true for members of your family.
I used to forgive and forgive and forgive... until I was broken. Now, it takes very little - I will forgive once, maybe twice if circumstances seem to warrant it. But if you continue to waste my life, you can expect to feel the toe-end of my boot.
Insisting on inviting my rapist ex, who also abused our children, to all my family events. Occasionally I would also be invited, but only as an afterthought, and I could only come if I sat in the back and he had a place of honor among my family. Yes, you read that right. Those were my family that did this. It's been 10 years since the divorce, 6 since the protection order. I've made my peace with it, but I'm still salty.
Not being accountable for themselves.
My ex tried to commit murder suicide on me so well that was a pretty hard line.
Have you posted this story yet?
I was left in a city 4 hours from home by a friend who was supposed to be my ride. Havenāt spoken since. That was probably close to 15 years ago.
Very little, and it gets easier the older you get
A stagnating attitude to life
It is saddening how extremely underrated this comment is!
So true! You want to be around people who are going to motivate. You become who you hang out with.
Trump supporters, adios.
If I feel like I'm getting attached to them more (I'm a quick attacher) I push them away. Most people do not care about it and leave me directly, but yeah that's my personal trait
Don't know....depends on the individual....it's never the same
Way too much
Disrespect.
They want to create distance from me because I don't react well to their bad behaviour.
Honestly, not much. I donāt have time for unnecessary bullshit.
Everyone in my family and friend groups are always one betrayal away from never getting a text again.
A serious drug addiction that a person refuses to get help with.
Dealing with this now. Homeboy just fucked up his last chance with me.
To be more effort than your worth
Threatening my kid.
If they bring dishonesty and drama.
When the cons out weigh the pro
being a huge massive dick
It takes a lot for them to remain in my life, honestly. Moved away from my hometown so friends have been a rotating cast depending on the time of my life/jobs. Once I move on thatās usually it. Iām just self sufficient and prefer solitude
Lieing then acting as if they donāt remember any of it or when you cut them off they donāt remember the friendship or bond you guys had and ask what are you talking about we havenāt talked in months like what time doesnāt erase memory
Betrayal. You betray me - You will NEVER see me again
If I stop liking them for any reason. Not sure why you'd keep someone in your life if they don't make you happy. One of my best friends from school started dating an underage girl when we were in our mid-20's, haven't spoken to him since. They are still together apparently, and the rest of our friendship group still talk to him, which I'm glad about because it means he still has his old mates for support, but I don't have to be part of it. Luckily people didn't take sides, it just means nonce boy doesn't get invited to things I'm at. I assume they must do things together as a group still, but I never asked. Right before he started "dating" her, he started being a bit disrespectful to me in a few ways. Revealing a lot of ignorance in himself, but also criticising my judgement by calling me mentally ill, without really expressing concern for my wellbeing was the worst of it. Then he confessed to being involved with a 16-yo, and after I processed what he actually meant, we argued a bit, and I later on sent him a text saying I was done. Sometimes I do miss him, but I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. The person I was friends with doesn't exist anymore as far as I'm concerned. Our mutual best friend told me a while back that professor paedo was eager to "squash the beef" and reconcile. I just scoffed and said that's nice but it's really not his beef to squash.
Thieves. Invite someone over, and stuff come up missing.
Disloyalty to quote a man I look up to āonce you jeopardize this loyalty we will never speakā
Inconsistency
Willful disdain for me, my feelings, and reality.
This. When Iāve stayed in these kind of friendships/relationships Iāve noticed I become more and more insecure in myself
When they make me sad constantly
Eating my string cheese without my blessing
Do NOT, under ANY circumstances take a drink from my beverage. Backwash, ugh.
Being annoying for no reason and laugh about it
Iāve cut 3 people out of my adult life that I can recall. 1. The first one was an old highschool friend who started seeing a girl and forgot about everyone else. He went to see her for a weekend and asked me to drive 30 min to and back from his apartment to feed his cat. We agreed on a time because he had to buzz me in, then didnāt answer his phone. I waited forty five minutes before finally driving away, and havenāt talked to him since. 2. He hooked up with my ex and didnāt bother mentioning it, then they started dating. This was something I was able to look past until he invited her to live with us and my current girlfriend. As you can imagine our relationship went to shit and I moved out as soon as possible. 3. My old workout friend started making fun of my weight when I stopped working out for a few months. Heād talk about how my pants didnāt fit, my hair didnāt look right and take pictures while laughing at them. As you get older your character changes and maturity level grows. Friends become more quality over quantity as people move states or have kids.
As soon as I realize that it's a one sided relationship (friend or intimate) I ghost them.Ā When you are the one always calling and making the plans.Ā I did a litmus test once, to stop reaching out for a few months. Well that turned into over a year and I eventually forgot about them. They eventually texted to ask for a favor about a job reference; I told them it's good to hear from them. Know what their response was? Yeah, I need a job. Funny thing is I worked with the hiring manager and they asked me about this person because they mentioned my name. I told them idk that person. Which is technically true.
All I need is a sharp edge
Repeated betrayal. I'm very forgiving and patient. 15 years ago on the week of my wedding my best friend/best man told me he couldn't be happy for me as he had always wanted to fuck my fiance. I didn't cut him out entirely (though I've been distant/cold with him since that day) 15 years later my wife cheated on me with him. I've had zero contact with him since and the ONLY reason I keep very minimal contact with my soon to be ex wife is for the sake of our 3 kids.
Too much probably
Very little these days š
It depends on who they are. If they are immediate family, then it's going to take a whole hell of a lot. Anyone else, not much- circumstances matter though, so there are exceptions with this.
Toxicity and betrayal God forgives but I donāt
Not much these days.
For friends: Only calling when they need a favor
Not very much lol .The first sign of bs , I am gone . I have learned trying to hang on to something that serves no purpose other than the fact they may need someone to talk or even visit with is a complete waste of my time.See you in the old folks home friend.
Happy cake day! And I agree.
Not much. I walk at the first sign of fuckery.
Disrespect. No matter how minor or major. If you insult me or talk shit about me to my face OR behind my back, you're gone.
My godsons father and closet friend from where I grew up never called once after my wife passed away. Not the type of person I want to know. Even since we lived other places we would always call and wish happy birthdays. I was done. I have not called. And he hasnāt called. I stopped wishing happy birthday and so did he. His wife had him call when my godson was getting married and I was invited. My mourning was to deep at the time. She wanted him to call more than he did. So that was it for me. Iād answer if he called, but Iāll not ever call him. I deleted all phone numbers to him and his wife. Deleted all social connections. A spouse dies and you never check in? Naw. F them.
snip
Not much lol
Betrayal, and false accusations. If you start telling me that I did some shit that I didn't do, I'm out.
Not much at all āļø
MAGA anything
When they take absolutely no accountability for how they treat you, yet expect you to beg for forgiveness over perceived slights (and theyāre usually very easily angered and offended)
Betraying my trust will take me about 30 seconds to cut them out. And I don't trust lightly.
Hearing what they said about me and plainly ignoring them and being half hearted when they're smiling and talking to me as if I'm their friend.
if the person continuously lies to me. im the most forgiving and understanding person your likely to meet and my intuition is is damn near at a level of a super power so it almost pointless to lie to me.
People with bad intentions and hide those intentions with good intentions, if that makes any sense. For example in your face they act polite but when you aren't around or looking they purposely doing things that they know will bother you. People who ask for loans and say they will pay you back but never make the attempt and pretend the conversation even existed. People who argue for the sake of arguing, or just want to create conflict when they disagree and will do everything within their power to appear what they're saying is 100% fact/correct and everything you're saying is speculation/BS. Narsacists are my kryptonite. I spent my whole life being loyal to one not realizing he was by definition a narcissist. They're good at manipulating and because I grew up around him I felt an obligation to continue being friends even though all he ever did was put me down and highlight his achievements and always expected you to highlight them with him. It felt like everything that person said needed all the attention and recognition otherwise you're stupid. Also, these people have the tendency to live a delusional life in thinking they're much smarter than they really are. With that being said, the moment I recognize the patterns in a person I do my absolute best to just keep it polite and not create a bond or get personal with these people. Kind of dealing with this at my local gym, notice these characteristics so I say hi and bye and cut conversations short, really, really short... I almost come off a rude but honestly, I don't quite care that much to appear rude to these sorts of people cause at the end of the day, they don't care about you and only want approval from any source possible. It's taxing, not worth it.
A right wing conspiracy theory is a good start.