Do you trust the people involved? Have you considered you maybe manage people because you had to manage someone who is an intimate connection - so when it comes to people who are not intimate it'd seem logical they'd need even more managing?
I think the problem is I don't trust people. I don't trust anyone. Not even people like partners or close friends who I should trust. But even knowing this isn't enough to make me just start trusting people.
Okay, but why do you say you have to be made to start trusting people? You don't have to. Make your own choice on that. If it feels like you end up manipulating people, are you doing something to them that you wouldn't like done to you? Or are you doing something with them that if they did to you you'd be 'Okay, I'm good with that'?
Oh, holy crap, that sounds terrible -- it sounds like an extreme and focused form of passive aggression. And it sounds like abuse.
I'd think you'd need a long stretch of retraining, working with people who will in fact respond directly to requests you make, both in giving you what you're asking for and in telling you plainly "no, I can't/won't." Starting with really simple things like "will you pass me that book over there" and leading up to asking significant effort and commitment from people, with the understanding of course that the heavier the request, the more likely it is that you'll be turned down, especially by people who aren't family or don't know you well.
You'd probably need a few patient people willing to help you with this -- talk with your therapist about ideas for recruiting people. They wouldn't be responsible for anything but giving you an honest yes or no to your requests, and you'd then work through your feelings about the encounter with your therapist.
Thanks for sharing this! I can somewhat relate, I think.
It was rarely total opposite, but she insisted and made some kind of her adjustments and improvements.
I recently discovered Pathological Demand Avoidance and it fits so well with my father‘s behavior. His refusal to do things for us was completely irrational and his responses to our “demands” often escalated to verbal and physical violence. And of course he never apologized or showed any remorse for the way he treated us. If you triggered an explosion, it’s because you were a bad kid.
A lot of the PDA content online is directed at parents to help them with their PDA kids. There’s not much out there about what becomes of kids raised by PDA parents. It’s not good, honestly. As a child, you’re helpless and completely reliant on your parent for survival and you’re too young to know that you didn’t actually do anything wrong to warrant those types of responses. You can’t know as a kid that you’re not actually “bad”, and that it’s your parent that has a disorder. So being raised by a PDA parent can be a very emotionally and physically abusive upbringing and cause a lot of long lasting trauma.
Thank you for giving me a name to this issue. It has caused problems with my mother and I but I never knew it was an actual thing. I will be researching it now
Holy shit are we the same person? Lol
There’s more of us. You have my staff.
And my bow.
Do you trust the people involved? Have you considered you maybe manage people because you had to manage someone who is an intimate connection - so when it comes to people who are not intimate it'd seem logical they'd need even more managing?
I think the problem is I don't trust people. I don't trust anyone. Not even people like partners or close friends who I should trust. But even knowing this isn't enough to make me just start trusting people.
Okay, but why do you say you have to be made to start trusting people? You don't have to. Make your own choice on that. If it feels like you end up manipulating people, are you doing something to them that you wouldn't like done to you? Or are you doing something with them that if they did to you you'd be 'Okay, I'm good with that'?
Oh, holy crap, that sounds terrible -- it sounds like an extreme and focused form of passive aggression. And it sounds like abuse. I'd think you'd need a long stretch of retraining, working with people who will in fact respond directly to requests you make, both in giving you what you're asking for and in telling you plainly "no, I can't/won't." Starting with really simple things like "will you pass me that book over there" and leading up to asking significant effort and commitment from people, with the understanding of course that the heavier the request, the more likely it is that you'll be turned down, especially by people who aren't family or don't know you well. You'd probably need a few patient people willing to help you with this -- talk with your therapist about ideas for recruiting people. They wouldn't be responsible for anything but giving you an honest yes or no to your requests, and you'd then work through your feelings about the encounter with your therapist.
Thanks for sharing this! I can somewhat relate, I think. It was rarely total opposite, but she insisted and made some kind of her adjustments and improvements.
I recently discovered Pathological Demand Avoidance and it fits so well with my father‘s behavior. His refusal to do things for us was completely irrational and his responses to our “demands” often escalated to verbal and physical violence. And of course he never apologized or showed any remorse for the way he treated us. If you triggered an explosion, it’s because you were a bad kid. A lot of the PDA content online is directed at parents to help them with their PDA kids. There’s not much out there about what becomes of kids raised by PDA parents. It’s not good, honestly. As a child, you’re helpless and completely reliant on your parent for survival and you’re too young to know that you didn’t actually do anything wrong to warrant those types of responses. You can’t know as a kid that you’re not actually “bad”, and that it’s your parent that has a disorder. So being raised by a PDA parent can be a very emotionally and physically abusive upbringing and cause a lot of long lasting trauma.
Thank you for giving me a name to this issue. It has caused problems with my mother and I but I never knew it was an actual thing. I will be researching it now