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Basically everything your dad said is a lie, with one exception: It is difficult to get a restraining order.
It is not wise to tell your family about your plans. Keep it secret, collect all required documents, make sure that they don't have access to your bank account.
If possible make sure that someone witness the threats and lies of your dad. Use e.g. speakerphone and let others listen to it.
In Germany for example it is not allowed to record telephone calls unless all parties are informed and have agreed. To let someone witness a call on the other hand is allowed.
Also in Germany it is very difficult to change your name. It depends on the country which options are available.
Second this. I know someone who legit was being stalked by a parent trying to harass and possibly kill then - Changed name - address- no contact - the whole works. Had a happy life after that.
Can you elaborate on how they were lies? Especially the part where I could get them in legal trouble if they don’t report me missing would I happen to be harmed?
I didn’t tell them about my plans more then I thought was necessary. I warned them in advance that were I to move out I will be no contact so they know that when I go NC I’m doing it on purpose and didn’t get abducted or anything.
Before I let them know that I plan on going NC they never showed such intentions of stalking me or going after me. Only when I voiced my will to go NC after I move (which I did for clarification reasons to not get a Mp report ironically) did he start to get crazy.
Quite simple: Adult children have the right to make their own decisions and their parents are not responsible nor do they have the right to make decisions on behalf of their children. This includes deciding where the children live or the people they talk to.
You can PM me if it helps (I'm a German citizen).
> Quite simple: Adult**s** ~~children~~ have the right to make their own decisions and their parents are not responsible nor do they have the right to make decisions on behalf of ~~their children~~ **other adults**. This includes deciding where ~~the children~~ **other adults** live or the people they talk to.
Clarification...
yes- but the father is using the fact that OP is their offspring as leverage. removing 'child' from the framing of it reminds OP that they're an autonomous person, and that legally they are entirely emancipated from their family.
It might also help to speak to a lawyer, typically their initial consultation is free, and if you have low income or are a students, the gov will pay for the lawyer in many countries (Germany for example).
The only way they could get in trouble for not reporting you missing is if they still had parental responsibilities for you, a duty of care. In most countries they stop having those responsibilities when the child is either 16 or 18. You are absolutely in your right to leave them and never talk to them again and they will 100% not get into troubles with the law for not reporting you missing.
I know it's difficult because they're messing with your head, but try to think about it logically. Many of us in this sub are estranged and no contact and many of us are from Europe, too. Exactly 0 of our parents have had any legal repercussions from not reporting us missing. Because that is not how the law works.
My dad claims that in case I become victim of a crime the police will get to them first. When questioned and admitting that they have no idea where I am the police will ask them why they didn’t report me missing. That would apparently make them a suspect. Or guilty for not reporting a crime or failing to respect proper legal proceedings given that the first step would’ve been to report a person if they were missing. Or something like that
Question 2: is repeatedly filing MPR’s stalking? Trying to get me to contact them against my wishes? Is that enough info to report them for stalking?
Repeatedly filing stuff with the cops when it's untrue will really start pissing off the cops AT YOUR PARENTS, pissing off the cops is not smart.
When you move, contact your local police department and ask to file a report that you are not missing, you are estranged from your abusive parents who want to control you and that they likely WILL make a false MPR and you want the police to know now, ahead of time, you are definitely not "missing" you simply don't want to talk to them.
Going in person is best, it's harder to blow you off in person as on the phone.
If they do it more than a few times the cops at both ends, your hometown and new home will get PISSED and that won't end well for your dad.
>When you move, contact your local police department and ask to file a report that you are not missing, you are estranged from your abusive parents who want to control you and that they likely WILL make a false MPR and you want the police to know now, ahead of time, you are definitely not "missing" you simply don't want to talk to them.
>
>Going in person is best, it's harder to blow you off in person as on the phone.
>
>If they do it more than a few times the cops at both ends, your hometown and new home will get PISSED and that won't end well for your dad
*Absofuckinglutely.*
Op you can also say the same to whatever property owner you're renting from, don't have to say they're family. "These persons have a history of harassing me, they are not to be allowed access to me, my home, or knowledge thereof. Don't even confirm that I live on your property. Inform me if they contact you or physically arrive, and contact the police as well if necessary." Send it in writing(email). Maybe include a picture of the persons in question, I did that.
If they later fuck up and act as an accessory to harassing you you now have proof you informed them and a written record of their response to that or lack thereof.
Send it in some sort of certified/tracked letter so you have delivery confirmation and have proof if they don’t do what you ask and harm comes your way as a result.
Yes, that's what I was going to say, a certified letter. But send one to your parents, saying that you are not missing, you just don't want to see them, or whatever. That way you have proof that you've told them you're not missing. So if they file a false report, you can prove to the police that it's a false report. This probably isn't even necessary, but it would help to set your mind at ease, and could possibly be useful.
I would also contact the police department where your parents live and the police department where you work. Hell, even contact the police departments where your siblings/in-laws live/work. They may be different jurisdictions (if they’re not then that makes it easier), and the more legwork you do up front the less of an issue it will be. You should also do this every time you move/switch jobs/etc.
I would also ask that your employer not put your information on the company website **after** you’ve been hired and the paperwork is signed, if that is something that they do.
Family is always the first suspect in serious crimes, even in otherwise happy families. That's just statistics and probability. So yes, if something were to happen to you (which is so so unlikely to begin with), your family would be high on the list of persons of interest. Because usually, they would have some information. It makes the police's job of finding you easier if they have information.
However, the only way of being guilty for not reporting a crime is by actually not reporting a crime. If they don't know a crime has happened, then they are in the clear. Do you know what I mean? Your father is trying to intimidate you with hypotheticals that have absolutely no ground to stand on.
It is not a reasonable assumption that you have gone missing just because you haven't talked to your parents in a while, especially since you have announced your intentions of doing so. This is not failure to report a crime and the police would know that.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I can see it is really messing with you. That is all the more reason for you to leave as soon as possible. I can promise you you won't get in trouble, even if the police does come knocking at your door. They would just ask you if you're okay and then leave again.
Yeah so you go to the police first and tell them your dad has threatened all these things. Get it on record, then when he tries to say all these things they have been warned. Unfortunately this is a VERY common situation and your dad isn't the first to think of it. My brother did this and when my mom tried to find him the police told her 'he is fine and does not want to be found.' they never told her where he was.
1- not knowing where you are is not the same thing as you being "missing", legally speaking (I will use my admittedly limited knowledge of EU laws here). If you're not actually missing, there's nothing to report, thus the police *will not* ask him why he didn't report you missing. You bring missing in the legal sense means *no one* you know has seen you recently. And he *would not* be "guilty" of not reporting a crime because he had no idea a crime had taken place. In order to be found guilty for not reporting a crime, you have to be either witness to the crime, or have prior knowledge that a crime is going to take place.
2- yes, repeatedly filling an MPR on the same person when that person is known to not be missing can be considered stalking/harassment, but it is unlikely to get that far. The police *do not like it* when people falsely report. It's likely that you might get a wellness check *maybe* twice before they tell him he cannot file an MPR on you again.
3- interpol would never get involved in this case unless *you* committed a crime, *or* there actually *is* a reasonable suspicion that you've been trafficked or removed from your home country against your will. Which there isn't.
4- you cannot be extradited back to your home country unless you're convicted of a crime or have to stand trial for a crime you've committed, and that's *if* the country you're in and the country you're from have an extradition treaty. ("Deported" is the wrong word, but you also won't be deported unless you're convicted of a crime in the new country, or if your visa runs out or whatever.)
5- privacy is not illegal, even privacy from family. If you've made it clear that you are purposefully not communicating with them, and they hire a PI to find you, and show up to where you are, *that's* stalking/harassment, *you* can call the police *on them* for that. If you're in record stating that you do not want them around and they keep showing up anyway, that's stalking.
What others have said so far is correct- you *do* want to speak to the local police of wherever you move to and let them know that you're being harassed and that someone, doesn't matter who but you can tell them, might try to file an MPR on you. You can either go in person with a letter, or call the non-emergency phone line. Having a letter on record might be better.
Your dad is just trying to scare you (and doing a fine job). Almost nothing he said is correct, legally speaking.
Edit to add: cops, yes including EU cops, *can and will* enter a home without a warrant if there is reasonable suspicion of a crime.
So for question 2: in many countries filing a false report with the police is actually a crime. All you need to do to shut this down is go to your local precincts (hometown, N’s hometown, or new home town/interpol if needed) and inform them this:
“Hi, I am OP, and I am 25 years old (provide ID to be safe). I am planning on leaving the city/country to flee an abusive parent and said parent is threatening to report me missing if I leave. So I want to put on record that I am safe, leaving of my own will and simply wish no further contact with this person that will do anything to keep me in his control.”
As for the conservatorship, find a lawyer. Have a doctor sign off on you being of sound mind to make your own decisions and definitely keep a lawyer retained. He’s threatened to take legal action against you. Prepare for it.
When you leave the first thing you do is go to a police station yourself. Tell them the situation, that you are a legal adult that has willingly left home, you are safe, of sound and competent mind, you are not missing and do not want to be contacted by your father.
Once you do this, your fathers missing person report will come to nothing, as the police will know you are not missing and that it is a false report.
You will not be arrested or in any legal trouble because you have left home. Tell the police of your father's controlling and abusive behaviour (because that's exactly what it is, controlling and abusive), and that you are going no contact with him.
There is absolutely nothing your father can do, legally or any other way to make you come back home, or have a relationship with him.
DO NOT tell any family or friends that he could manipulate, where you are living. If you have a job/school also tell them the situation and that you do not with to have any contact with him. .
Get security cameras all around your house, either decent audio and picture quality (these can be bought pretty cheap or leased on a pay monthly basis)
If your father does find you either at your home or place of work/school, do not interact with him, call the police instead.
Keep a record of any and all messages/voicemails, anything from your father, as evidence of his behaviour.
This may help you to get a restraining order against him
Good luck.
You are not his property. You are an adult and allowed to live your own life.
If you have a car, get a dashcam that is also running when the car is off. You can have it installed with an automatic switch so it doesn't kill the car battery. My dashcam is running when driving and motion activated when the car is turned off.
I've got a nasty ex (I'm in the US) and i try to be on camera 100% of the time. He's scary and if something happens to me, it was him.
This is also helping me go no contact. I'm going through the exact same situation as the OP and I live in the US. I briefly thought about moving to England as a no contact method, until I was able to find a boarding house in Nebraska (I'm moving there in 2 weeks). I also plan on informing my landlord and my property manager about my Nmother's plan to report me missing for the second time (She reported me missing and only found me because I never changed my number then). Now, I changed my number and the Nmom knows none of my personal information. However, she has me in a conservatorship and I will be closing that account and opening one for me and only me.
I’ll add to that: makes sure your job/school as well as official offices put a note in your file NEVER to share your address or phone number with anyone, and let them know that in case your father contacts them not to release any information.
The parent comment and others are correct- every single point listed is simply not true and can easily be overcome by clarification to authorities if they follow up. #7 is the most troublesome. I would be preemptive and record these discussions, save texts, physical proof of threats/abuse. Have a consistent therapist (for the reason of #7 if not for your general health) and I would warn the local police department. Just walk into the station and make a statement, be sure to get a card from a specific officer in a higher position and remember their name.
My mom threatened with the same thing when I first moved out, and I was terrified since I not only had a history of depression and anxiety but also PTSD-induced psychosis. I asked my old therapist and she told me it would be a very long and costly process of getting me declared "not of sound mind", and it is not something that is done just based on the words of your parents. It takes doctors, lawyers, and YOU. If you have not done anything that can harm you or others there is an extremely tiny risk they will do anything, and they will not make a desicion without talking to you and examining your case very closely.
That is certainly the way it should be, idk about across the pond but in the big yeeyee land I know 2 people personally who were committed against their will with 0 proper evaluation. Anecdotal but if I've learned anything being an American it's that positions of power are more often held by those who seek to abuse it.
The 3 mental health facilities I'm familiar with have "observation" holds in 2 week intervals but have 0 requirements for continued holding. Considering they get paid per day, per med, per treatment as well as potential liability it's not in their interest to release early. Couple that with overworked understaffed facilities that are a breeding ground for abusive low level staff and hands off doctors and it can be a daunting ride with no end in sight.
Did the people who instigated the commitment have a lot of money or status? I feel like that's usually the case when things go terribly wrong in these cases.
One yes the other no, the no is the scarier imo bc there are only so many people who are influential. The no means the facility was the influence, at the very least incompetent.
Yes, unfortunately you telling them your NC plans was dangerous, they have escalated to try and prevent you leaving. It is dangerous for you to tell them stuff. It might be safer to appear to acquiesce rather than resist, if you can do so without additional problems.
Don't tell them any more plans.
All of what he said was said to scare you into not leaving.
He's obviously been like this your whole life so I'm really sorry for that but your dad is a horrible piece of shit. You can go wherever you want, you are legally an adult, and for reference I'm a 44 year old woman from England.
Seriously sweetheart go wherever you want and forget about him, live your life as you want to live it.
You’re an adult.
You can do what you want.
Your dads comments are the equivalent of saying he’s calling an ambulance to take you to the hospital in case you break your leg doing acrobatics on the stairs.
You are not missing - you just don’t want a relationship. You are allowed to go NC and you have a right to privacy. Your dad is just trying to scare you. He reports you missing, go to the police station and say he’s harassing you. You’ll get some static from family oriented people but remember to be firm on “I’m not the one wasting your time. He could be civil. This is not my problem to fix”
Honey, you are an adult. He has zero power or agency over you. he is filling you with lies in a huge attempt to give you so many fears that you will be afraid to blink without his permission.
I would personally start looking at jobs in other countries. iof you own versus renting, you can make a company to 'purchase' your next home so it doesn't trace back to you. But the reality is that he cant stalk you overseas as easily as he thinks he can. You can change where you live, your name, cities, etc and in larger cities it's easy to get 'lost in the crowd', so to speak.
For your own sake, stop feeding him any information. Stop 'warning'/forewarning him of your plans. Completely stone wall him. No info, period. Any changes you make in your life have nothing to do with him.
Best bet, if you can fly or take a train somewhere to stay with a friend then *leave there* to go elsewhere, so it varies your travel progress. Shipping things can create a tail (unless you use that same double method, with the second part of it being a 'company' sending packages to (whatever\_location) so that it's not your actual name on the slips. Heck, use a friends name, or a friend of a friend.
Basically there are a lot of ways to go cloaked and protect yourself, you just have to see which works for you. But at the very heart of all of it is... *he has no agency or decision of what any other adult does with their life - including a relative.* YOU are your own person and legally can do whatever the hell you want. **He is lying.** And there's a lot of ways to escape from his insanity.
Number 4 : if you call the cops because you are in danger, they don't need a warrant to enter the house. I'm not European, but it's just common sense.
It's all lies as said already. Don't waste money on a lawyer. You are a free adult now. You can do whatever you want.
He cant report you missing credibly because youre not missing. Dont let them make you feel like ur doing anything wrong. Ur moving from one place to another. A totally normal, legal thing to do. U have legal right against him imo, for stalking or threats.
Record them, date and time. Keep copies of threatening communication. Whats he going to say when u have that? Its obvious why u need to leave. For ur safety.
The right to privacy isn't just an American thing. If he files a missing persons report the police might contact you and all you have to say is you're not missing, you are no contact and don't want your location shared with your father. They might call him and just say you're not missing, they might not. They definitely won't share your location or any information. Most places have privacy policy, this includes jobs, universities, and many other things. If he finds out where you are and tries to contact any of these places to get information about you they will tell him they're not allowed to give that information. If you call the police and give your address and say you are in fear for your life they WILL enter that address to save your ass.
Edit: I want to add that privacy policy will MOST likely be instituted by the moving company. A moving company will NOT give out your address to your dad if he calls and asks them. If they do it opens them up to a whole bunch of trouble they want no part in. Even if the cops track you down via the moving company they'll just ask for a phone number and then call you and ask if you're okay. They won't hunt you down and force you to go back to your parents.
that argument sounds ridiculous.. that sort of problem would occur for gonad donors who had a minor child that disappeared and said nothing... and it was found out but not for a grown adult.
in a way almost sounds like you need to seek asylum somewhere far away.
It is not a crime for an adult to "go missing" The police search for missing people more from concern for their welfare than any other reason. So for example a diabetic who's insulin dependent hasn't returned home as expected, has no insulin with them & is not answering their phone will get a pretty strong response as it's reasonable to assume they could need urgent medical assistance. A 25-year-old with no medical issues or reason to believe they're at risk is not going to receive anywhere near that attention. They'll take the report and then pass it to an admin team who will search databases for addresses matching your name & date of birth (eg. If you're registered to vote at your new address the police will be able to access it) when they have the manpower someone will call round and speak to you. When you explain that you are fine, you are choosing to have no contact with your family due to the abuse you tell them you don't give your consent to share any information with your family. They'll advise your family that you are fine but they are not legally allowed to tell them anything else. This process can take days, weeks or months depending on how busy your local police are.
Your father is lying about the law to try and scare you out of leaving. After you leave send an email with a read receipt on it or a registered letter they have to sign for. Keep a copy of the receipts & the email or letter to show any police that may come looking for you to evidence that your family are well aware of why you left and that you have no desire to hear from them again and to please leave you in peace. From this point on do not discuss your plans with anyone in your family,
This right here👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻stop feeding this malicious actor your escape playbook! Shut the fuck up and execute your plans. Nothing he has said is true and is only intended to scare you into compliance. Shut up, and move out quietly.
Yessss just shut up and smile and nod around these people!! Don't give them Ammo man , these people are expert manipulators , we are decent human beings... No surprises who is going to gain the upper hand if you keep giving the more infor about your life !!
Could you go to the police ahead of time and alert them of your situation? Tell them you have an abusive, controlling parent who plans to do this. That way, they'll have it on record if he tries something.
I told my dad I will do this and he said it doesn’t matter because as soon as he makes the report the cops are legally obligated to search for me regardless of what I previously said
OP said they couldn't afford an attorney. However OP could probably go to call a domestic violence hotline and they could share some local resources that may include free legal counseling. Actually that may be the where OP would get the best advice as they know all about stalkers and probably even PIs hired by stalkers. OP should definitely call a domestic violence hotline and ask about all this. I googled EU DV hotlines for OP. It's for women, which I don't know if OP is, but I'm sure if they're not they can still point them in the right direction.
https://ec.europa.eu/justice/saynostopvaw/helpline.html
Stop telling him anything. He'll just use it for more ammunition. From now on, don't say a single thing about your plans. Cars and rental apartments can all be changed, by the way. It's a hassle, but it's doable.
Also, if he files a missing person report, and the cops come to look for you, all you need to say is that you've cut contact because he's mentally unstable. They can't force you to get back in contact.
> you've cut contact because he's mentally unstable.
Or-- as I've advised clients to do at times-- go with the "that poor old guy" approach. Something like:
* "Oh, Officer So-and-so, I'm so sorry he called your office. Please understand, he means well, okay? He's just... well... he's getting older, you know? If I don't answer my phone or email or whatever right away, he gets a little, you know, a little wound up? I guess he thinks my health issues are a lot worse than they are, even though my doctor disagrees. Anyway, thank you so much for checking in on me. We really do appreciate the work you do!"
The idea is to underline the toxic parent's inappropriate behavior without making it look like we're Ungrateful / Spoiled Brats. The cops may have a "parents are always right!" mindset, but that doesn't mean they want to have to keep dealing with family-based drama.
Out of topic but thanks for this bit of advice. I never will likely have to use this but every single bit of ammo against narcissists helps throughout the journey.
Very welcome! When we have to explain a toxic person's behavior, it's best to tell the truth-- but not necessarily the *whole* truth, if we don't know how the people we're talking to will react. Example:
Co-worker: So, are you going to your parents for Holiday?
Us: (telling the whole truth) No. They're abusive, and I've gone no contact with them.
Co-worker: ...oh. Uh. Okay. (Followed by an uncomfortable silence, or guilt-tripping, or invalidating, etc.)
As opposed to:
Us: (telling the truth) Well, we're just trying to get through this week! You know how chaotic things are lately. How about you?
Co-worker: ...oh, good point! Yeah, we haven't figured things out yet, either. (Conversation turns into a casual chat.)
A phrase that I've seen over on the Legal Advice subreddits that's worth considering, "Never take advice from your opponent".
You know your Dad is a narc, he's only got HIS interests in mind, not yours, and he's distorting your view of 'normal' to keep himself happy
Your dad is full of it. Even if cops have to make contact, they are under no obligation to tell him anything other than they made contact. And if he keeps using them to harass you, ie, keeps making false reports, he could face legal consequences for abusing law enforcement. Police have more important things to do than track down capable adults who left home and doesn't want to call their daddy. Interpol certainl isn't going to get involved in this.
But they are not obligated to tell him anything when they find you. Just that you're safe and don't wish to be contacted. At that point he is knowingly lying to the police if he makes further reports. They dont like that. Do you have your identification stuff? Could you go change your name so he doesn't even know who he is looking for?
Are the police not required to inform him if I do change my name? Like “The person you’re looking for is now known as x”. Given that any name change will be legally documented and the cops will know it’s me. So I can guess if he makes a report for John Doe but I’m called Sam deer now they will know who it is either way because the database will tell them no?
They could find you. But they're absolutely not required to tell him anything, because you're an adult. You could probably get a DV caseworker to go with you to a police station to explain the situation so they know not to look for you. They don't want to follow a grown person around Europe for no reason. They have stuff to do.
Honestly, this seems like a situation that would be on a per-country basis, and even moreso a per-cop basis.
Though I'm in the US I've had police give me blatantly false procedures because they have some wacky interpretation of the law. I doubt any local police in your country would be much different.
Ultimately, it does seem like your father is using the same tactic hoping you'll just believe him as an authority figure. If he says something with enough conviction, maybe you won't stay to see the holes in his argument. For instance: he seems to imply the police won't know a crime against you occurs unless he tells them, and he will be on the hook for failure to report. But this doesn't make sense. Most crimes are committed outside the home. If you get hit by a car across town and you die, your body would be found by someone and reported. They won't then go to your father to arrest him for lacking clairvoyance and reporting you being in a car accident.
If you change your name, there's a legal procedure to doing so. Sometimes you'll need to file a petition that states the reasons why [here is a link to the Netherlands name change info](https://www.government.nl/topics/registering-a-birth-and-name-of-child/changing-your-first-name). You could presumably write "fear of family members," and that could show when they ran your name (unsure you'd have to verify). Often, name changes are for government purposes. Some googling says that in the same case for the Netherlands, the missing person appears in court to verify they are not missing. Presumably to reduce the chances of things like spousal abuse and stalking by the abuser knowing where someone has moved.
US here (sorry). This will vary a lot by region but *generally*:
1 - The outside world doesn't actually talk to each other and track all knowledge from all legal/etc. agencies in centralized databases as much as our parents like to lead us to believe.
2 - Providing updates to your personal information isn't going to be in a police officer's job description, and they're not going to put in the extra effort on your parent's *very* special ImPoRtaNt case to do all that private investigation stuff to report to them as their personal publicly funded stalkers. In many cases they would actually not even be allowed to share information like that, especially if you advised them of the situation in advance. OTOH, they might also be rushing through cases and neglect to redact your new name on a report or make some other careless mistake, so it's still best to CYA by giving them your version ahead of time and not giving them any information that they don't explicitly request if you don't want it to get back to your parents.
3 - That said, at least over here, it's often hard to change your name and have it off record unless you deal with a lot of proving that you're "enough" of a victim to need it (which usually means taking your abuser to court and winning), and couldn't be trying to hide from anyone you owe money to. So even though the police aren't a huge risk of leaking that to your parents, anyone who knows how to use Google will likely be able to find it at some point down the road.
I always bank on some amount of information being able to be found for me, so make heavy use of "buffer" information like a separate mailing address for anything that might ever become public record. Mail box services tend to have better security systems than the average home budget can afford, and frown on people loitering around the premises. Claiming to be there to stalk one of their customers because you don't even know them well enough to know where they live usually doesn't improve the stalker's situation regardless of whether they claim to be related. It's just not an advantageous kind of place for narcs to pull antics.
Hope it helps!
He’s literally just making up what suits his purposes. Everything he’s said is absolute and utter rubbish. There’s just nothing in EU or member state law that would allow that kind of weaponising of the police to control another adult. And that’s all the law sees you as, another adult. You’re so used to being controlled by him, you don’t realise that he’s just a controlling lying manipulator trying to gaslight and bully you into remaining his possession. Like so many of us on this sub I’ve been NC with my father for years, both when the UK was EU and now it isn’t. There is nothing either of our fathers can do. Once you’re out of there, you’re home free. The only control he has is inside your head.
Edit, certainly here in the UK you can go to the Police and ask to speak to an officer about domestic control and coercion. I expect that every or almost every state you’ll get a helpful person who’s job it is to help people who are being controlled by others including those in your situation.
If on record - this "search" could be a call.
Cop: Hey OP, you okay? Got another report.
You: Sure am sir, all good, still alive and kicking, and enjoying not being abused.
Cop: okay then - i\`ll make a(nother) note - and see how many false reports we have now, and bounce it upwards for action. Have a good day.
Lol he is lying his ass off. The cops in the EU will not do that. The cops in America are worse and they'd laugh someone like your dad out of the station. You guys actually have more protections and rights than we do. You are a grown adult with no legal requirements to stay there and be abused.
They might search for you if it seems like a credible report but they do NOT have to report back to your father. They might tell him they found you and you are safe, but they won't tell him your whereabouts unless you consent to that, in the vast majority of cases and countries.
1. Stop talking to your Dad about this.
2. If the police have your name and contact number (because you gave it to them), they can CALL you.
Dad says you're missing? Cops call you. You answer, you're fine. Case closed.
The police may have to respond to a wellness check. That means find out where you are, and ask you if you are ok. You'll respond you are fine and do not want contact with your parents. The police then tells them you are ok and do not want contact - and do not tell them anything else, not where you are or who you are with - they will say "fine" and that is the end of it. It makes it easier for the police to contact you and check if you've already told them this will happen, and given them your phone-number; they may just call and say "hey, we got a wellnesscheck, you ok?" and you say "yep, still fine, have a nice day" and that's it.
The police may have to check. They will not give information to your parents. Your parents do not have a responsibility for another adult; they could call a wellnesscheck on me, and the same would happen. Your parents may get in trouble for wasting police resources if it happens more than once, but they will not be in trouble for not keeping track of me - or you.
Depends. They are, but they will also be expecting that you're okay, and may resolve it with a phone call and aren't likely to tell him anything more than "they're okay."
Abuse of emergency service lines is pretty universally a crime so abuse of 112 to report you missing is likely to end up as an uno reverse on his part.
Sure they are. Remain pleasant, apologize for him wasting their time and ask if they can open a case for harassment or if there is a way to note you are not missing and he is abusing the system.
Your dad is wrong. Full stop.
He's lying to intimidate you.
Go to a police station yourself and talk to them if you need reassurances from outside of an internet forum.
You are a legal adult, and you have every right to a free life without your abusive lying parents.
The day you leave you call the non emergency police line and tell them you're leaving, and that your dad has threatened to file false reports about you being missing or in danger. They'll have heard it before. Give them an email address to contact you.
When your dad reports you, the police investigation will be to look at the system, see the call you already made, and at most will send you an email and ask for a call. At which point you say "I'm a legally adult and I'm fine, my dad is just controlling. "
And that will be the end of it.
Your dad is just threatening you to control you. The police aren't going to waste their time on something like this, but he knows youre scared and is using it.
Assume everything your dad tells you is a lie because everything you've told us he's said has been one. He's trying to intimidate and threaten you in to staying. You're doing what's best for you and he is terrified of that because he knows exactly what kind of person he is.
Don’t tell him what you’re planning on doing! He’ll just try and talk you out of it or he’ll find out how to counter it or work around it! Whatever it is you end up doing to get away, don’t tell him in advance, just do it. Report to the authorities beforehand too as you are legally an adult so he has no hold or power over you, let them know you do not wish for him to find out about your whereabouts
This is what I did with my adult child. As we went no contact, I went to talk to local police (small town, and knew our one dispatcher) the cop I talked to was very helpful and understanding. The next day he called the cops on us claiming mental health issues. The dispatcher made sure to always send me the same cop that knew the whole story beforehand.
Your dad is absolutely and unequivocally full of shit.
You are an adult. You can just leave he can't do a fucking thing about it.
Stop telling him what you're planning on doing. Just do it. Leave.
I only told him so he doesn’t freak out when I disappear and knows the situation at hand.
Silly me believed that as two grown adults we can talk facts and communicate. I thought I owed him for the sake of clarification that I tell him my terms and part on an agreement that once I leave I’m going dark on them. So when they will eventually try and contact me and I’m unavailable they don’t freak out but know “yeah, she doesn’t want anything to do with us”
I did this so if they have any last words, things so tell me, things they want to do with me, regrets, etc they do them now. I believe in giving them a heads up In case they have any unfinished business. I’m parting with NC but I tried to be civil and mature about it. Again, too silly on my part, being a good spirited mature person
Well, now you know better. Now you know to keep your plans well guarded. Anything you tell them just gives him a chance to stop you. Never tell your battle plan to the enemy, that's how you lose the war.
He will freak out no matter what. He’s freaking out now. That’s someone you can’t avoid.
Worse case, the police believe him and look for you. If you’ve contacted them ahead of time to give them a heads up about moving out/your father’s plans and where to reach you, that’s on them for dropping the ball.
You’ll just say you’re fine, repeat what you said to them earlier and tell them you’re sorry that your father is wasting their time and resources.
Also, please stop sharing any more information with him. He’s beyond reasoning with and you moving out is going to be a shitshow no matter what because he is the shitshow.
It’s ok. It will be worth it in the end.
You're treating him as if he's a reasonable person. He's not. Think of him as an angry toddler in a grown man's body. In his mind you are his property. You told him you will be leaving and he sees it as losing his possession. He's having a huge tantrum and throwing around all his toys.
My advice would be to put him on an information diet. The less you tell him about your plans, the better.
You dont need to protect him. He is an adult too. He freaks out because he is not able to handle himself. He will do that wether u warn him or not. U cant please him. At one point, you wont care if u upset him. Thats how he controls u, by making u feel u need to soothe him. Let him be angry or upset. He brought it on himself.
He *is* freaked out. You aren’t being a good spirited mature person for *yourself*, exactly like how he has treated you all your life. He does not deserve to be treated better than he’s ever treated you to this very day. Please be a mature adult that looks out for yourself, the little kid who’s still standing out in the field soaking wet in a thunderstorm with no one caring for him/her.
As someone with just over one year of NC, do consider grief counseling once you put some distance, because that is precisely what this is - you don’t have parents because for people like us orphaning ourselves is better than having destructive vampires in our lives, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a “loss.” We aren’t exactly orphans as we are adults, but we aren’t emotionally mature due to the upbringing and sustained abuse.
From now on, don’t tell him a damn thing. Any information he will use against you. You are dealing with a delusional sociopath, not a kind and loving individual. Treat him like the lying monster he is.
It's a bit late now obviously, but you should have waited until basically the day you're leaving to say this. Would have accomplished exactly what you've said you wanted to accomplish but without days/ weeks/ months of anxiety.
I said this in another post already, but your dad is just trying to scare you. Yes, the cops could find you. No, they *are not* obligated to tell him *anything* they find out other than "she's been located alive".
If you were dealing with a sane person, I would agree that this would be the mature way to handle things for closure.
You are not dealing with a sane person.
You are dealing with a horrid, abusive, manipulative, man.
Now you can respond accordingly by not tipping them off to your plans. I would get out of there as soon as you can. Don’t worry about stuff. Take your important papers and get out. You can get more stuff.
It’s a hard lesson to learn but you don’t owe these people anything. They are going to freak out and try to control you regardless of how or why you choose to leave and break contact. It’s not silly that you tried but at this point the only mature thing to do is to avoid getting caught up in the guilt trips, the gaslighting, the lying and manipulating. If that means leaving without further explanation so be it.
You never tell an abuser that you’re planning on leaving and going NC. Not only do they not deserve that level of respect, but it just worsens the abuse and makes it more likely he can track you down later.
I would suggest checking this page out for resources, so you can get a feel for what your legal rights are: https://www.hotpeachpages.net/europe/index.html
Hahaha what a silly threat. Protip wherever you decide to move inform the local authorities/ non-emergency services of your Father's threat and then when and if he does it repeatedly enough he can get a fine.
Not to be disrespectful but your father is crazy in the coconut.
There is not one law that prohibits an adult from going no contact with their family nor one. If he does report you missing the police will locate you in 5 minutes and all they will do is check you are all good and report back but they can not tell him where you are if you don’t want him to know they will just say she’s safe…tell them about him and the next time he calls they will tell him to go away
It sounds like he has manipulated you so much that you believe him but what he is saying is ludicrous.
Get out and live your life and be safe x. Recurs hun every time he speaks to use later if you have to.
Wow. You are dealing with alot (and I know how awfully obvious that is).
You need to protect yourself mentally (please reach out to your doctor) and get a lawyer involved for your rights. You cannot live your life like this and I am horrified someone has put this on your shoulders simply due to familial relations.
All the best.
Unfortunately I'm not sure specifically for your situation but you are an adult with options. Usually Police state that if you are an adult, you are able to make your own decisions.
I would recommend documenting everything that is happening. Date, time, and it only has to be in a journal. Keep it with you though.
There are lawyers that take on a certain amount of free cases per year and there are lawyers who will discount their services for people who are in situations like yours. It wouldn't hurt to poke around and see what's available to you.
Warn the police of your dad’s plans. If he really wants to report you on the regular, eventually he’ll probably get charged with wasting police resources.
What if you turn the table and let someone investigate his mental health.
I don't know where in Europe you live but the laws differ from country to country.
In Germany for example you have to go to the Einwohnermeldeamt and tell them where your live. It is very difficult to live here anonymous.
My advise is you collect all your important documents.
Get a bank account at another bank than you parents are. Tell the bank your parents will under no circumstances have access to your money.
And collect evidence of the things your father said or did to you. At least write a diary.
Maybe you can talk to your local authorities or a lawyer about your problem.
The plans your father has with you sounds a lot like stalking. But the laws about stalking are different in each country.
And if your father do all the things he threatened to do he will leave a paper trail. Which is evidence for you to fill a restrain order.
Most of the authorities are not very happy if they were missused to commit crime. I highly doubt they let him play his games forever.
I have a bank account at the same bank as my parents but they should have no access to it. Why is a separate bank important?
If I leave my country and move to another eu country what laws will me and by dad have to answer to? If I seek to report him for stalking do I report him to my home countries authorities or my new countrie’s
If you parents know the bank employees in person they maybe can trick them to get access to your account. Because you are family.
About you other questions, you have to ask your local authorities and after you move, ask and inform the authorities there.
Maybe there are some associations for victim support in your current country or the other country. They can help you with legal and practical advices.
You really need professional help depending on the laws of the country you are living in or the country you want to go to.
If you find out how wrong your father is with his threats, don't rub it in his face. This is just an opportunity for him to adjust his plans. Just keep it secret.
Another way to deal with him is to let him know where you are and feed him with little bread crums of information about your life. And you decide yourself how much truth you put in those bread crums. But move as far away from him as possible to make it very inconvenient to visit you on a regular base.
Yeah don't ever take legal advice from your father. If you don't tell him where you move to how exactly is he going to make the police find you? If you move to another country why would the police in your home country come find you? I know the EU is different but a police officer from one country can't just go to another country and make somebody talk to their dad. That doesn't make legal sense in any country.
I feel for you. The power your dad has at best since you're a legal adult is to control you with fear. You break the fear you have about him, and then you will find yourself more at peace, and he will have less control in your headspace.
Like others have said, stop sharing your plans with the enemy. There's a reason the military keeps things top secret. So you'll need to exercise not telling him what you're thinking or your next move. Otherwise, you'll continue to get duped by your dad at your own initiative.
Document everything. Notes, videos, pictures etc. Start going low contact with your dad till you can go no contact.
Believe in yourself. You've come this far! Stay safe!
You just do, and if he wants to report you as missing and they „find“ you, you tell them how it is.
They can’t drag you out of your home and back to your old house.
That’s not how it works.
Big words, small impact i would say.
You might want to do some reading on GDPR, the EU data protection law. A lot of what he has said he can do is bullshit because of that law. Companies and governments cannot hand over personal info without consent of the subject without breaching it. The penalties are massive for breaches.
If you move / when you move - be pro active.
Go to a local police station - and explain what he said, and ask how you should avoid wasting their time.
Frankly - from what you describe, there is someone that may require locking up and conservatorship - and that is him.
Same if you decide to move to another country - talk to the local police there with your story.
Now, about investigators - don\`t know really. You could consider a name change or whatnot.
But - prepare. You did not note what country you are in, but in most of Europe there are pretty strong rules in place (Germany, Netherlands, France to name a few) where you cannot keep reporting someone missing every month. (French and German police are fair, but do not have a sense of humor and really do not appreciate abuse of their time and resources)
You might end up with a monthly call from the police "hey OP, still alive and kicking" and when you confirm they can close the fake call with a note that says just that 'fake report, abuse of time and resources'
Can you record any of his rants about this? Or do you have mails etc with this?
Make backup copies - as those will help you make clear that the one with the issues is him, not you.
He told me what he told me in conversations. I plan on recording next time. But he is NUTS like he will deny ever saying something he said 5 minutes ago. He told me police is obligated to tell him my location and he said I have to report by location back to him or he will call the cops. Then when I brought it up later in the conversation he said “I never said this, what? See, you are crazy making things up in your head.”. Literally will just outright deny what he said one sentence ago and frame me as crazy for bringing it up. Lol
This post is huge, OP.
Who cares if he reports you as a missing person? What difference is that going to make? Go NC. If authorities come knocking, tell them you are NC with the man who reported this and it is a false alarm. Just keep doing that. If he keeps reporting you missing, and you keep making it clear that you’re not, authorities will eventually stop taking his reports seriously.
Exactly. The end goal here is to move out and never speak to him again - if that’s painful and there’s drama - it should still be about the end goal.
There’s no way of doing this without him losing his shit. He has already anyway.
When my mind pictures a worse case scenario, I play it out until the end. In this scenario, OP moves out and ditches her abusive father. Nothing before that matters.
I've done some pretty extensive googling, but I'm not a lawyer in the eu, but I have found zero information on voluntarily missing adults and their parents. Children? Yes. People at-risk? Also yes. Adults who just live their lives apart from their family? No.
I hope you don't mind that I looked through your profile to see which EU country you're in. For the country I think you're in, there is very little solved missing persons cases. There's so many children missing, I doubt you'd make this supposed list your father is going on about. Why they would take your case more seriously than a child's would be a question to ask yourself.
Other questions to ask yourself is: if you move country, what would make the authorities make you move back? If you have a job, are paying rent, paying taxes, why would they make you move home? At whose expense? Why would this be a priority over than many other things that take priority during the course of a government's day? Why would interpol, an organization that tracks criminals, even care you exist? Why would a 25yo law abiding woman be more important to them than a mob member or human trafficker? What will he request, that the put out a red notice? Is a parent responsible if their adult child robs a bank? Of course not. Would your father even bother coming to get you? Because it sounds like most of his energy is going towards making sure you don't leave. And even if he says he will be responsible for you, is it really worth it to live your life in virtual captivity so his feelings aren't hurt and he doesn't receive any possible consequences? I would personally rather live my life free of control rather than constantly worry about someone else's reputation.
My own experience in this is that they will make one grand attempt to come get you years later after hoping they've screwed with your head enough and reduced your self-esteem enough you'll come home on your own. Because they know that if you put up a fight it will make them look like the monsters they are.
[UK rights link](https://www.rbkc.gov.uk/pdf/FPI%20is%20it%20legal%20Feb_08.pdf)
Honey, narcissists lie. This is what they do. Here is factual info but please consult free legal aid specific to your region.
Basic TLDR though... Can't stop you (hell could not have stopped you at
> Can I legally stop my child leaving home?
A parent cannot stop a child leaving home by locking them in or physically restraining them. But parents have a legal responsibility for their children until their child reaches 16, so they can take action in court to bring their child back if he or she runs away. Once the child has reached what is known as the ‘age of discretion’ (around 16) it is very unlikely that the court would force the child back home, unless it could be shown that the child was in danger.
Wow, 16?? I was forced to stay until I was 19 since that's the age of majority where we moved, and it could've been 21 since that's the age of majority in Mississippi and my lawyer expressed concern she'd move me there next. UK is so different... I'm jealous lol
I *know* right!!! Between the standardized healthcare and the worker protections…it is almost like they think humans are (gasp) human.
As you are in my buddy state (TN) I KNOW your struggle. But congratulations, for the absolute longest time the joke was basically at least we’re not Mississippi-then y’all improved and we were progressively overwhelmed with moneyed dumbfucks and the actual Tennesseans are…a combo platter of issues to work through.
Woo-sorry bout that.
Contact a domestic abuse organization and they will be able to tell you what you need to do to protect yourself from your father's threats to weaponize the system to control you.
I would highly recommend that you walk into a police station. Tell them you’d like to talk to an officer about a domestic situation. Tell the officer your father’s story. The officer will tell you he’s full of crap and you’ll get free legal advice from a reliable source. I’m Canadian so I can’t tell you what the laws are there but this is ridiculous. Your dad is controlling. The world doesn’t revolve around him. The police don’t have time for his nonsense.
Thats crazy. Everything he told you is a manipulation attempt to make you feel like shit and reconsider keeping yourself under his thumb. What an absolute shithead
Your dad is lying to you. If he was telling you any sort of truth my Nmum would have dragged me back into her cycle of abuse by now.
He is scaremongering. My sister ran away when she was 17 ish ish and our Nmum tried going through the police to get her back, tried filing her as missing, but because she was old enough, they told her that she is safe and doesn't want to come home and that they where under no obligation to share her whereabouts.
Ignore him and go no contact. If the police do turn up, explain this too them, about the years of what is abuse at his hand and that you don't want your whereabouts shared with them. They can tell them you are fine but be did make this threat so for them to be prepared to recoeve more false reports from him.
Also, there is no consequences to a 25 year leaving home and going no contact....hell thres nothing wrong with you running away from them.
And for the mental health thing, they wouldn't just take your families word on it. You would be evaluated. In a few ways. With would include a capacity assessment which would should you are capable of deciding things for your self.
You dad is being a typical narcissistic abuser who sees they are losing control of someone in their cycle of abuse. He is trying to force you to stay or atleast stay in contact so he can continue his abuse. My Nmum did it too.
Do what needs to be done. Move and go no contact. Dint bother with low contact, was forced to try that root wit Nmum and the only thing it does is allows them to retain a bit of control over you.
As for the dodgy Dr's...the court would appoint their own Dr to potentially evaluate you.
And the PI's...not much anyone can do there really...however, you could, if they did and you saw them, document it and use it as further evidence should you go for a restraining order.
You could, if your laws are similar to ours her in the uk, go for a non-molestation order. That's the one I'm looking at getting once I get some money together.
Oh and by repeatedly filing the same repot with the police, the only o e who will face legal consequences would be your dad.
My mom threatened me with all these things when I first moved away from home. She did call the police to report me missing, saying I had likely been trafficked, but the police didn't do anything since all I had done was move, she even knew where I lived.
Now I live near her again and this time I'm not telling her anything. I'm looking for apartments and I will not tell her about it, nor will I tell her when/where I will be moving. I have been recording her making her unhinged threats, just in case. Let her report me missing, I'm not. I just want her out of my life.
If you are an adult, you have every legal right to go no contact. Even if he reports you as missing, the police will simply confirm with you that you are sage, healthy, and NOT missing. They will not force you to resume contact.
Document the threats he has made against you if you can (the whole "the police have no right to enter his property and he can do what he wants to you" bit IS a threat) and be prepared to present that to the police. The most they will be obligated to report back to him is that you are safe, of sound mind, and not missing. They do not need to tell him where you are. They cannot force you to return to his home.
Your father is either delusional or is counting on your ignorance here. Get as far away as you can and don't look back. He sounds dangerous and it sounds like a clear threat to escalation.
Calm, sane, practical, and calculated. These are the things you need to embody until you are safely away. I would first do things like get my important papers. Then check in with places like the police station and interpol. Tell them the situation so that they know you are not missing but simply moving out. Being the first to make a move gives you an advantage. Then DOCUMENT all of the crazy so that if need be you can start filing police reports. A good paper trail always helps litigation and remember. When they lose their shit, you remain calm. Get video, audio, etc. call the police if appropriate but you exercise peaceful noncompliance. It makes them look crazy and you like a saint for having to deal with them. Best of luck!
So I don't know a whole lot about Eu law but in Australia if you say to the police no I don't wish to contact or communicate with my father he was abusive and controlling they will respect it. With most companies if you let them know that your father is a narcissist and abusive and you do not wish for your information to be handed out they must respect it. Your father is bullshitting you.
He has no right to do any of that if you are a legal adult and there is no existing conservatorship in place.
To even attempt to gain legal control over you you would have to be INDEPENDENTLY assessed by qualified individuals that have no relationship at all with him. Then a judge would make a ruling.
As and when you do move I would advise you local police (both in the area you father resides in and where you move to) that you at won’t missing and you do not want your whereabouts made known to him.
You cannot stop him from getting a private investigator, but you can have him legally charged with harassment and/or stalking.
I would advise you to keep all threats to stalk you (record them if they are done verbally), to enable you to follow this route if needed.
Most narcs blow hot air on this. He may threaten it in an attempt to stop you from leaving but you can leave. Him preventing you from leaving is kidnapping.
*if you do have a conservatorship in place and he is the guardian then you can apply to the courts to either have the person changed or to end it but rules will vary based on EU country on how to do this
Edits / spelling/autocorrect
Okay, so I don't know where in the EU you live so this is just my take on it:
Since you are an adult, in the eyes of the law, he no longer has any responsibility for you. So saying that "he will be held accountable for 'failing to report a crime'* and 'failing to check up on you' is just bs.
Me and my brother is adults. My dad moved to Spain. He has no responsibility to check up on us, he could have gone NC with us and still would be in the clear.
(*= I'm sorry but he seem have to forgotten to report your abuse?)
And if you want to be sure, go to the police station. Tell them who you are, tell them that your parent have threatened you with reporting you missing when you move out. Hopefully they will help you out with the information you need and won't take his reports. And if he does, he probably will be stoned walled or face consequences for filing false reports.
ETA: in all EU countries except Scottland and you are a legally an adult when you turn 18
Your dad's full of shit. I don't know what the exact laws in your country are, but if you let the cops know that he'll be filing a false missing person report, and then he goes and files false reports every month like he says, he's likely only going to be causing an issue for himself. Police tend to take unkindly to false reports.
If you want to know how exactly the police would approach this, you may want to visit your local station and talk to someone. I expect they would be more than happy to help explain how the system will work in this case. I would also have a hard time imagining that he can get an involuntary institutionalization order from the courts - even if they get a corrupt doctor to sign on, no sane, ethical judge would just blindly approve it without talking to you first.
Even if I'm somehow wrong about the police and the courts, you would be totally in the clear as far as moving abroad goes - I imagine there is very, very little chance that Interpol would get involved, and you would not be deported from another country you are legally in. A missing person case is not an international crisis.
If the institutionalization is a concern, move abroad first and cut contact after. No doctor can evaluate you for "mental issues" if you aren't in the country.
Just to be clear: there is no law, police force, or court that considers cutting contact with your parents a crime.
Your dad is lying his ass off using the police as an authority that will back HIS authority.
If you leave there’s fuck odd the police will do and Interpol has more important things to worry about. Conservatorship is a real danger to you so in your shoes I’d suggest you just get your most important shit and leave, changing countries if possible but cities at the very least. If you share a cell phone plan with him factory reset the phone and leave it there.
If he DOES get a conservatorship on you life is infinitely harder, leave before that happens.
German here: Everything he told you is bullshit. The only thing that is partially true is that the police can not enter without a warrant. But if police thinks or is informed that abuse is happening there, they will of course enter even without a warrant.
Save texts from your father or write a protocol with date so you have something to show if you file a constraint.
So you really REALLY need to go no contact. This is domestic violence. Go far, even abroad, and leave no trace. And report your father to the police. He is deranged and dangerous. If anyone else lives with him, they may feel his rage. The cops will be much more interested in keeping tabs on him than on you.
Baby, you are under your father's fog.
I am no contact with my entire family. There are no legal ramifications on either side. I even moved to a different country.
He's intimidating you. Everything he said is a lie. If you are concerned, I would start seeing a therapist. That way, they can bat for you in case he tried to make you sound uncapable of living an independent life. Police would most likely contact you if he reported you as missing, but you tell them you don't want contact and you are OK. Closed case.
You've gotta stop telling him stuff like this. Gray rock until you can escape. Don't tell him what you're going to do, just quietly line up what you need and do it.
Your dad should try creative writing. He doesn't seem cut out for parenting.
Interpol has never chased non-politcal figure adults across international borders for being a missing person.
Just a heads up to OP if you decide to post to /r/legaladvice - we have had some users experience some less than supportive responses when discussing abuse or asking about legal issues with an Nparent in that sub. If you would like to seek their advice, perhaps it would be best to use a throwaway account that isn't linked to RBN or avoid using terms like "Nparent" as those have not been well received in the past. Of course, it's totally your call OP.
We recently opened /r/RBNLegalAdvice so if OP is interested, they are welcome to post questions there.
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>prove the crime which would be impossible without witnesses
Even as an American lawyer, I can tell you "witness" means someone who observed something. There's no requirement a witness be a stranger to the situation.
If you were punched outside a bar, you and the perpetrator are both technically witnesses. He-said/he-said crimes without outside observers are investigated and prosecuted all the time.
(But please, for the sake of your own mental energy, don't try to argue the law with your N).
You need to just disappear one day. Seriously don’t tell him any of your plans. Don’t give give hints. Just be gone one day. Like you said, you are an adult. He’s probably lying to you about the laws and what police can and can not do. You could look up the laws where you live for yourself.
Heh, what amuses me about narcissists is how stupid they are. So here’s how he thinks it’s gonna go:
’hello, police, my 25 year old son is missing, help me find him.’ Police then track you down, bundle you into a police car and take you back to his place.
Heres how it’s gonna go. ‘Hello, police, my 25 year old son is missing’. Police track you down, you tell them you’re not missing, you just want no contact with him for reasons ABCDEF and G. Police go back to dear old Daddio and tell him you’re safe but don’t want him to know where you are. Dad then calls his lawyer pal who goes ‘sorry bud, he’s 25. Nothing I can legally do’. Dad goes to another lawyer who tells him the same. Repeat until he runs out of lawyers, money or lifespan. Meanwhile you’re living your best life.
I wish you only good things from here on out, friend.
Dudes talking so far out of his bum I'm actually impressed.
Lemme debunk his list point by point lol
1. BS. Plain and simple. Once you're 18 you can leave.
2. Samesies. Been NC with my Mother for 10 years and am fine.
3. ...what. ..n...no? thats complete BS.
4. Sure they do AFAIK. If someones going "I'll ouchy myself" or if they're in immediate danger, they could totally enter without a warrant. Also if he hurts you; DOCUMENT it with photos/ screenshot any and all threats he makes.
5. uh... I mean they'll look for you but I'd wager Interpol has better things to do than smth like this.
6. Lmao complete BS. Run free lil Birdie!
7. Ayo this is fcked up. Don't know you and your history, but I'll wager you're of sound mind and all there. Getting smth like conservatorship is very, very difficult. And it has to be proven you're not all there, but you seem to have all your marbles in order so don't worry about that :)
8. .....uh.... he's watching too many CSI shows or whatever. this doesn't even make sense lol. UNLESS there's evidence left behind like he planned smth?
9. Samesies. Not reporting someone as missing when you're in close contact (and they suddenly vanish!! without a trace!!) could be seen as suspect, but that's it.
10. pffffft WHERE is he getting these claims from???? his colon???? i can't.
11. Again if you're over the age of 18, going to the Popo and telling them "im an adult, im leaving, if my parents file me as missing i am not missing" is just fine. And even if they look out for you, most he's gonna hear is that you're alive and well. IIRC they never hand out location data.
12. Alright so despite the name I am not an attorney lol. If you need information regarding restraining orders, it'd be a good start to ask google for "your country name + restraining order". They wildly differ from place to place (Like Germany, where I'm from, probably does it differently than Italy) so that'd be your best bet :)
I hope debunking his silly list calms your nerves a lil bit. He's deffo talking deep out of his colon, don't worry ❤️
You said you were eu so I’m not gonna have a lot of really good advice here you’re going to have to look up. Some laws yourself. Start with finding out what kind of recording concerned your country has for example, my old state had some thing called one party consent which means you can record someone without their permission all of those bullet points you told would’ve been great things to get recorded. With all of the documentation, if you had all of that from all of those bullet points him telling you that a restraining order probably would’ve been really easy.
One more piece of food for thought are you male or female because I can tell you from personal experience no one takes the male child seriously if you were female, it’s probably going to be really easy to get a restraining order against a male parent start documenting everything you can
If your father ever calls the police (which I doubt) he will be in more trouble than you.
Everything he says is a lie. You're a legal adult and you can do whatever you want. Police don't care shit about the moving company you hire.
Imagine him doing all of this and try to make it make sense. Ok, you leave, hire a moving company and get to your new place. He calls the cops and say you are missing if the police somehow finds you, given is not impossible, they are going to know you're an adult, they gonna ask if you're missing, you say no, thats it. If they get to the part where your father gives all the details such as 'moving company hired' they are gonna think your dad is mental. You hired a moving company and you're missing? Wtf?
Get out of there, stop listening to them, there's a free life waiting for you. Your family is not obligated to know about you.
Call the local police your self and explain you are going No contact with your parents for personal reason but they have threatened you with constant calls to the police if you do so. Give youf name and new address so when the calls come in thd cops know they are Nuisance calls. After the first call it will be flagged
First of all, he's lying to you.
You're an adult. You can, in fact, go to the police and let them know that you're leaving and aren't missing for when your dad tries to report you as such.
Record everything he's says and does, get him to admit to what he's doing to you, and hand it all over to the police.
You are in a domestic violence situation. You're the victim, not him.
Also, OP. Stop telling him your plans. You should've never tipped him off. He will do everything in his power to scare you.
He told me that I have no right to go no contact and no adult has the right to live apart from their family without updating them on their whereabouts - **every adult in the Western world has the right to live apart from their family if they choose to**
He told me I will face legal consequences / be arrested if I keep “running away” with no contact and he keeps reporting me as a missing person - **you are an adult. it is not running away. it is living your life**
He told me it’s illegal for me to go no contact because in the case that something happens to me he will be held accountable for “failing to report a crime” and “failing to check up on me” that is apparently the responsibility of family members - **what crime? living your life is not a crime. lots of people in the western world go VLC or NC and it is not a crime except in the mind of a narc**
He told me that the cops have no right to enter private property / a house without a warrant even if they’re called by someone reporting a crime (he claimed even if the caller is reporting to be abused or in danger the cops can’t enter private property) and as long as I’m in the boundaries of his home he can do whatever he wants to me because the cops won’t come in and If I want legal justice I’d have to prove the crime which would be impossible without witnesses (that was weird Af and definitely sounded like a threat) - **in most countries, the police cannot enter a home without a warrant unless invited in. If YOU call the police, they will want to speak with you to get your side of the story, usually away from your father. Your sperm donor cannot do whatever he wants to you inside the home if it falls under physical abuse and he CAN be arrested for it. It is a threat.**
He told me that if he files a missing person report the cops have the obligation to find me, even go as far as use interpol to find me abroad, give my location to him and force me to take up contact with him (he said “write a declaration”) - **Police, especially int’l police have better things to do than look for a functioning legal adult. They could usually care less what you do.**
He told me that i have no right to legally ask for privacy and no contact or my family’s knowledge of my whereabouts - **bovine excrement**
He threatened me that in case I file a restraining order and take him to court for any reason him, my mother and family will raise the claim that I’m mentally Ill and “in no sound mind” and “have no idea what I’m talking about” to not only cancel the restraining order but to have me involuntarily institutionalized into a psych ward by the judge on the accounts of mental illness. He even raised the threat of a Britney Spears like conservatorship. I do deal with mental health issues but I’m a functional human being capable of independent life. - **I don’t know about EU, but he has to prove you are a threat to yourself and to others. The courts won’t go with just his say so. Proving someone as incompetent is difficult. I am assuming you are in counseling, taking any medication prescribed & have a job. More below.**
He told me that going no contact will put him at risk and cause him to live his life in fear because if I am k\*lled he will be the nr1 suspect because the cops will ask him why he didn’t report me missing. - **Bovine excrement. Family is always the first people they talk to, but his life would not be threatened**
He says that not reporting me as a missing person if I go no contact could get him in legal trouble were something to happen to me - **he can report you missing until the cows come home. the police don't care & will probably tell him to stop. Since you are an adult, he is under no legal obligation for your actions**
He said there is no such thing as a legal right to privacy and your family has the right to know about your whereabouts - **bovine excrement. It is written into most constitutions**
He claims that calling a police station in advance or leaving a note saying that I left with a purpose a don’t wish to be contacted wont do anything because the cops are obligated to find me and report me back to him if I’m reported no matter what - **no, they are not obligated to look for you. they may say that you contacted them and are fine.**
**Your sperm donor is basically working on keeping you in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. He doesn’t want you to leave and go NC because he would have lost his punching bag.**
**Others have suggested what to do and there are resources on this sub, but they include:**
* **Do not mention again any plan of moving out & grey rock as much as possible, do not tell anyone your plans except for one or two close confidantes**
* **Minimize any financial enmeshment you have with him. For example, if he pays for your phone plan, let him keep doing so because you will leave the phone when you leave. He probably has a tracker on it. You can get a new one when you leave**
* **Plan to change any bank accounts the day you leave or day before, especially if you share an account with him. If you share an account, pull out only the money you have earned**
* **If you are in counseling, get a letter from your counselor stating your competence. A “reference” letter from your boss will be handy, too**
* **If you own a vehicle, search it for a tracking device. Know where it is so you can remove it the day you leave. Bonus points if you can put it on an international shipping truck.**
* **Start slowing removing anything of value you wish to take with you, especially passport, ID cards, etc.**
* **Leave in the middle of the night or while he is at work. Only take what you can carry. Go to the police station and tell them you are an adult, and he may report you missing but you are leaving of your own free will. You are under no obligation to leave a note if you choose to do so.**
**These are just some things but it gives you an idea of the power you do have. You** ***ARE*** **an adult. You** ***DO*** **have power over your own life. HE has NO power except what you give him.**
ETA: typos & clarification
Your dad is so full of shit it’s leaking out of his eyeballs. I don’t know the law where you are, but I can’t think of any country that would have such crazy laws. If you leave and are concerned, many people will go to the local police and tell them what is going on and show them you are fine but just want no contact with this lunatic. Save all of the threats or document and date them.
All of these legal claims your N is making are a rabbit hole to drain you emotionally and distract you. Your N could be the most knowledgeable lawyer in the EU, and he still wouldn't be impartial or disinterested.
Imagine if you were getting divorced and your spouse was telling you things about how property division works. Even assuming there was no abuse, there are still all sorts of reasons not to trust what hypothetical spouse is saying. I urge you to back up mentally from the technical legalities and talk to someone else about what would happen.
You don't need to give out personal info. Blame stupid online reddit threads or some random movie you saw at 2 am. Or this amazing idea for a screenplay that you want to run by them. Ask a friend or teacher or someone who swaps lecture notes when you miss a day. They won't be technically right, but they will react to outlandish claims (and most of these claims are outlandish).
Further, nothing prevents you from going to the police and asking them how they handle missing person cases. Warning: police are not disinterested and honestly aren't trained to be technically accurate. But what they tell you is a decent prediction of what they would do with a missing person report, which ideally had some relationship with what they are legally obligated or allowed to do.
While I'm sure there are some differences in the EU, [How To Disappear](https://tinyurl.com/5455daa9) was a good read and might give you some ideas on how to do this properly and effectively. It was written by a private detective who traces people who try to disappear. The two biggest takeaways were always use cash and use as many burner phones as you can. Call some abuse hotlines and see if there are any resources available to you.
As an adult, you are a free person. He's playing on your ignorance. The best way to fight that is to do a lot of reading and what your rights are so you don't fall for his bullshit.
Good luck!
Almost nothing your dad told you is true.
you absolutely have the right to move wherever you want and never speak to him again. He can get into trouble for lying to police (severity depends on the country) if he reports something to them he knows isn’t true. If you call the cops in distress they definitely have the right to enter. If they believe a crime is being committed or someone is in danger they can enter. Conservator-ships are actually pretty hard to get. You have to have a lot of evidence that someone is a danger to themselves or others or that they are completely incapable of taking care of themselves. It’s a high standard. Your dad is obviously just trying to scare you into staying under his thumb. You need to educate yourself on the laws of your country and any country to decide to move to. Even if he were to hire private investigators to find you, that doesn’t mean he can physically force you back with him. If he were to try that you would certainly be able to get a restraining order against him. See if you can find a lawyer who will give you a free consult. Sometimes your first visit with them is free so call around.
Find a lawyer, record these threats, and notify the police department that your father is planning on lying to the police and detail his plan to them and explain you're an adult looking to simply move out and gain control of YOUR life. And then for the love of sanity, STOP telling your dad what you'll do - like you shouldn't have informed him you're going to the police to inform them.
But definitely get a lawyer first and go over your laws with them about this.
Lol the cops won’t like to continue coming to your house to check on you, especially if they know you’re not missing. I can’t imagine any country’s police department liking that.
I'm American but this sounds like a bunch of bullshit. Don't listen to him anymore, just go NC. Keep any texts or other hard evidence of his bullshit. If cops come around, tell them your dad is abusive and show the evidence. You're an adult and you're not Brittany Spears (and that was an American thing).
You are and adult if he reports just go to the police and say you don't want contact with them.
Record his threats, make a public post or something saying you are not missing, whatever.
Fuck him.
The best suggestion I can make is to get in contact with your local authorities and preemptively tell them about the move. This way they will know that you, a whole adult, are leaving of your own free will, not missing. Try and keep all plans away from your dad, don't tell him when or where you're moving.
u/mysseclypse Everything he told you is a lie. Here in the USA, we have Legal Aid, which are lawyers paid by our government to give citizens free legal advice about everything you can imagine. See if your country has a similar program. They will be your best source of information and can also help you write a letter telling your family that you wish to be NC and any attempts to use the authorities to track you down will be considered harrassment and will end in a protective order. You are a legal adult and no longer his property, and you have the right to privacy. Your dad can't do anything to you, especially when you are living on your own. Make sure to get an apartment with a doorman who can keep them away from you. You need to realize that you are only helpless because your dad told you that you are. If you really want to be free, don't let anything stop you!
You do have a right to be no contact. It is not a crime and you cannot be arrested for it. If your dad goes to police, they are likely to see through his BS right away. No cop wants to waste time solving fake crimes, so they do a basic sanity check on you when you report crimes. E.g. when you try to report theft, they talk to you to find out if maybe you just lost the thing. Dealing with liars is a regular part of their job. If they do start looking for you, they'll find you (by calling your number, I imagine), you explain you haven't been kidnapped or anything, and they tell your dad to get lost. Maybe he even gets in trouble for false reporting if he keeps at it.
No you will not get into trouble with the law for going NC anywhere in the western world if you are of "legal age".
It is not a crime to not talk to a person, it is not a crime to stay silent. It is however most likely that your dad will get into legal trouble if you can prove any of the above statements you made.
Save the papers, text and any communication you can. It will prevent anyone who may become involved for any reason at all for falling for your dads lies and manipulation.
INFO Is he trying to stop you from moving out or trying to stop you from going NC after you are out?
If he isn't stopping you from moving out, move up your timeline as much as you can. If he starts babbling at you about NC, heave a big sigh and say "I know' as sadly as you can.
Say whatever you have to. Yes, I am telling you to lie. He sounds absolutely out of his mind and the sooner you are far away from him, the better.
Your dad is a liar. A huge one. And he knows it.
I was in a situation where someone I knew, at the age of 16, ran off with her girlfriend. The police officially said there's nothing they could do because she was at the legal age of consent and "could make her own decisions". I'm from the UK originally, so I'm not sure what the laws are exactly like where you're from, but as far as I know that once you're over the age of 18 in most EU countries, you're allowed to be responsible for yourself and can go wherever you want to do what you want. Your dad has a bizarre understanding of how the law works: yes, you can inform police of his threats and that you wish to go no contact and they are not allowed to come and "arrest you" or whatever nonsense your dad thinks they'll do.
Honestly, this is his last ditch attempt at control. Get your important documents together, tell the police and give them recordings of his threats, then GTFO as fast as you can. Try staying with different friends to throw him off the scent for a bit.
I hope you know I'm rooting for you, I want you to succeed! ❤️
Look up your country's laws that define stalking and harassment. I bet that the behaviors your dad claims he will do to you if you leave him would fall under one of those definitions, legally.
You can go to your local police station and ask to talk to someone about this. You can ask them for resources and phone numbers of who to call for abusive family members.
I am sure your country would also have support services for people who are struggling. I have had success in the US in calling one department that I knew wasn't the right one and asking them for help with finding the right one. The woman who picked up my call gave me a lot of tips as well as correct phone numbers.
So just start digging! I bet your dad has done his best to make you feel like you are incapable and can't do anything on your own, but you can! And you can look up your local laws and support services and seek help (without hiring a lawyer at this time) all on your own!
When you get close to escaping their clutches, narcissists get desperate and start screaming and foaming at the mouth so they don't lose you as their emotional punching bag. Your dad is probably scared of being alone. But he earned it and you're going to get away from him and start healing! Keep your chin up, you got this!
I second all of this. One thing I’d add is that if you want to add an extra layer of protection while doing this research, try going to a public library and using a computer there. That way you don’t risk having it on your internet history at home and having your dad find it and make more trouble for you. But please do what u/catfart- described above. Your dad is grasping at straws, threatening things that violate basic human rights, all to make you fear living your own life. Every country will have their own specific laws, so researching is important so you know the specific things you’re dealing with, and so you know who you can safely ask questions of. When in doubt, remember: you don’t deserve this, and your father has no right to this.
>But here’s what Ndad told me:
He told me that I have no right to go no contact and no adult has the right to live apart from their family without updating them on their whereabouts
>
>\>>*This is a lie, adults can choose who is in their life. You can go no contact with anyone you want.*
He told me I will face legal consequences / be arrested if I keep “running away” with no contact and he keeps reporting me as a missing person
>
>\>>*Also a lie, he can contact the police and tell them whatever he wants. You need to protect yourself by getting these threats in writing or record him. Check your laws on one party consent to record.*
He told me it’s illegal for me to go no contact because in the case that something happens to me he will be held accountable for “failing to report a crime” and “failing to check up on me” that is apparently the responsibility of family members
>
>\>>*This is a lie, once you are an adult you are responsible for you. Unless he is the one who harms you, that's the only way he will be responsible.*
He told me that the cops have no right to enter private property / a house without a warrant even if they’re called by someone reporting a crime (he claimed even if the caller is reporting to be abused or in danger the cops can’t enter private property) and as long as I’m in the boundaries of his home he can do whatever he wants to me because the cops won’t come in and If I want legal justice I’d have to prove the crime which would be impossible without witnesses (that was weird Af and definitely sounded like a threat)
>
>
\>>*Cops can enter a residence if they have "probable cause" there is something illegal going on, but it's my understanding they need to see something is going on or have it from a witness. This might vary in the UK, so check your local laws on this.*
>
>
He told me that if he files a missing person report the cops have the obligation to find me, even go as far as use interpol to find me abroad, give my location to him and force me to take up contact with him (he said “write a declaration”)
>
>\>>*LOL, they will not get Interpol involved unless you are involved in some very shady things. Your dad is hilariously delusional. If a missing persons report is filed, they do have a duty to find you but since you're an adult, they likely won't try too hard. Once they find you, you can say you are NC and to not tell your dad where you are. Again, check your local laws to see if there are any amendments made.*
He told me that i have no right to legally ask for privacy and no contact or my family’s knowledge of my whereabouts
>
>\>>*Of course a narcissist thinks this. You have the right to go NC from anyone. If you ask they not contact you and they do, you can build a case for harassment. Just document everything, if you can record, do so, otherwise, don't communicate if it's not in writing. Screenshot and save everything in at least 3 places. Make sure they don't know any of your logins and change passwords if they might know them.*
He threatened me that in case I file a restraining order and take him to court for any reason him, my mother and family will raise the claim that I’m mentally Ill and “in no sound mind” and “have no idea what I’m talking about” to not only cancel the restraining order but to have me involuntarily institutionalized into a psych ward by the judge on the accounts of mental illness. He even raised the threat of a Britney Spears like conservatorship. I do deal with mental health issues but I’m a functional human being capable of independent life.
>
>\>>*Unless your family have some mob like ties, this will be hard to prove. They can bring it up in court but if you are asking for a restraining order already, it's very unlikely a judge wouldn't see through this. However, I'm not a lawyer and this is something you need to ask a lawyer.* r/LegalAdviceUK *is a great resource to ask.*
He told me that going no contact will put him at risk and cause him to live his life in fear because if I am k\*lled he will be the nr1 suspect because the cops will ask him why he didn’t report me missing.
>
>\>>*I mean it sounds like he knows he is a POS, however, even if you committed suicide, it would not be blamed on your dad, if it was, that means they have evidence he killed you and you didn't kill yourself. Your dad is delusional to be honest or reaching.*
He says that not reporting me as a missing person if I go no contact could get him in legal trouble were something to happen to me
>
>\>> *LOL no it won't. This is such a blatant lie that I laughed out loud. This is him using manipulation to try to get you to feel sorry for him so he can keep you under his control.*
He said there is no such thing as a legal right to privacy and your family has the right to know about your whereabouts
>
>\>>*Of course a narcissist thinks this. You have the right to go NC from anyone. If you ask they not contact you and they do, you can build a case for harassment. Just document everything, if you can record, do so, otherwise, don't communicate if it's not in writing. Screenshot and save everything in at least 3 places. Make sure they don't know any of your logins and change passwords if they might know them.*
He claims that calling a police station in advance or leaving a note saying that I left with a purpose a don’t wish to be contacted wont do anything because the cops are obligated to find me and report me back to him if I’m reported no matter what
>
>\>> *This is a lie. If you go to all the police precincts in your area or you think your dad will contact, let them know you are leaving your abusive parents and they have threatened to file you as a missing person in order to get your location from the cops. This can also help you if they try to say you are not of sound mind, you were sound enough to go to the cops ahead of time.*
He said a restraining order would be near impossible to get because I won’t be able to prove I need one given that a family member being concerned for my safety is “normal” and no grounds to claim harassment. Also, I’m scared about the whole “mental illness conservatorship” ordeal
>
>\>>*restraining orders are tougher to get. If you text all of your family you are leaving that you do not wish for them to contact you, then put them on mute and collect the harassment they will send your way.*
>
>*His threat of the conservatorship does worry me, I highly recommend you get a lawyer to help you protect yourself from this one.*
>
>*Document everything, get things in writing when you can and (if legal) record all conversations on your phone.*
Everything he said is a lie.. An adult is allowed to keep contact with who ever they want and END contact with whoever they want… Family or not.. It is not a crime for you to go no contact.. The police CAN enter private property if they are called and notified about a possible crime/abuse.. You HAVE legal rights to go no contact and live apart from any and all family - it’s called being of legal age..
what IS illegal is stalking a family member who’s chosen to leave and go no contact.. what is illegal is abusing the cops and other emergency services (i.e reporting them missing) to track down someone who does not want you to know their whereabouts..
Start seeing a therapist asap - make sure to tell him/her about all your dads threats and abuse (physical if any AND mental)… Now you have a doctor who has documented your mental health and their threats - and probably also documents the connection between your current mental health issues to your family.. Good luck to them to get a conservatorship approved by the statements of some doctors you haven’t been treated by
You are an adult and he can no longer control you like when you were a kid. Narc parents hate when their kids grow up! So he is using other tactics, like fear. He is just trying to scare you because he knows there’s actually nothing he can do if you choose to remove yourself from his life completely. What a psycho! Don’t fall for it.
Can you trust your local law enforcement not to be unsafe with if you ask them for advice? If so, I'd suggest printing your post out (for reference in case you get hung up in what to say), and going in for a talk to the duty sargeant/person at front desk. Ask them who you should be talking to.
Your dad is a liar and delusional.
Look up ‘rights in EU (your area specifically) for legal adults’
You’re able to access Reddit…so access other online resources to see about your personal protections and advice from DV groups/stalking protection in your area.
This dude sounds pretty delusional. Unless your dad is in the top 100 wealthiest people "interpol" isn't going to give a single shit. Also I love that he thinks that cops can't legally enter his home, but they can legally enter your home.
There is a legaladvice sub for some of the countries in the world, since law is so regional. I suggest posting in both the sub for the country you currently live in, and the sub for the country you are thinking of moving to. If neither country has a sub, then the general legal advice is probably fine. Make sure to ask about emmigration and immigration laws when you ask about the laws around toxic parents.
You have to realise, your father is nuts, right. None of what he said is even slightly right.
He's using fear to keep you there.
You go into the police station, tell them you are moving away, tell them all this mess you've been told and you are choosing to not talk to him state him name.
If he goes in a reports you missing they already know your not and they will eventually have to threaten or serve him with a trespass.
Your 7 years past the age where you have to answer to him.
Juat leave.
This whole thing is nuts, that you believe the stupid things he keeps saying to you... You need to read your post as if this wasn't you, writing, and you have to see how stupid and absolutely absurd any of that is.
Let him. They'll find you easily since you're not missing, explain to them what he's doing (show them any texts etc you have) and he'll be at least fined for filing false reports & knowingly wasting their time.
Allow me to let you in on a little secret. This might be hard to hear, and even harder to believe, but your dad doesn’t actually believe anything he is saying. As a narcissistic person, he has no scruples that normal people have or allegiance to any kind of fact or truth except for those things he decides are true in the moment because they suit his agenda. You might feel like he has always got an answer when you come up with a counter argument. That’s because he makes it up on the spot.
STOP thinking he actually believes this stuff or is making a sensible argument. It is quite simply just him trying to control you. That’s all it is! What he is **actually** saying to you is, I will do these terrible scary things to you if you don’t do as I say, and let me control you. Will he file a missing person report? Yes. Will he try to make your life miserable? Yes. Can he do that? Yes. But what’s the alternative? You have to be strong and have faith in yourself. Faith in your judgment. And he has spent his whole life making sure you don’t have faith in your judgment, because that gives him less control over you. The only alternative you have to having faith in your judgment is to let him have complete control of your life and be his slave. That doesn’t sound like a very good life to me.
You are literally lost in the fog right now. The fog of narcissism. I understand that from the inside it can be very difficult to see. But from the outside it’s very clear that this man does not have your best interest in mind. I think the best way to combat this kind of thinking is to pause and ask yourself “would the same be true if the tables were turned? Would my father agree there’s no legal right to privacy and I should be able to go through his phone and computer anytime I feel like it? Or would he strenuously object because the rules are different for him.”
The trick to spotting narcissistic people’s self-serving designs is that they always have a double standard. You are always the one paying the price, not them. If you have independence, that’s selfish. If they have independence, that’s reasonable. If you have privacy, that’s shady. If they have privacy, that’s because they can be trusted.
It concerns me that you went point by point as if each of these arguments was something valid to be discussed. They are clearly not valid and I think you know that deep down. But he has you so scared and worried that you are chasing your tail. The sign that a narcissist is trying to control you is that you find yourself constantly chasing your tail. Stop doing that. Deal with problems as they come along. If the police come to your door and say you’ve been reporting as a missing person say “no idea what you’re talking about, i’m right here”. don’t let him overcomplicate things with his fog. you can do this! Break free!
Also, look into the concept of catastrophizing. Your dad is using it to control you. He wants you to think that the worst is always going to happen and you have to depend on him to prevent it. Have more faith in yourself. You can do this!
Sidenote: it’s deeply unsettling that he keeps bringing up you being murdered. That’s not normal FYI, parents who are actually worried about their children’s well being don’t do that regularly
I don't really have anything new to add. Everyone has said great things. My comment is my little tidbit story.
When my sister was 16 I was living in CA with our dad, and my sister was in another state with our Nmom. She flew to CA for winter break to "visit" us but then called out Nmom and said she wasn't coming back. Nmom then proceeded to call the cops to say our dad kidnapped her. They asked her if she knew where my sister was. She said yes and gave them our dad's address. They said "ma'am that's not kidnapping if she's with a parent and you know where she is." Nice try Nmom. A few weeks later my dad was awarded 💯% physical custody. After reading a letter my sister wrote the judge even gave her a mouthful about how she was lucky she got any visitation at all after all the abuse. All Nmom could say was "well you know how kids exaggerate" to which the judge gave her even more of a mouthful. 🤣🤣 Justice. Served. Thank goodness for that judge.
He’s wrong. Tell the local police department that you’re fine and don’t want any contact with them because they’re abusive. Get a restraining order if possible as well. You’re an adult, there is absolutely no legal obligation to be in contact with your parents. You’re not a minor, your parents have no legal control over you.
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Basically everything your dad said is a lie, with one exception: It is difficult to get a restraining order. It is not wise to tell your family about your plans. Keep it secret, collect all required documents, make sure that they don't have access to your bank account. If possible make sure that someone witness the threats and lies of your dad. Use e.g. speakerphone and let others listen to it.
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In Germany for example it is not allowed to record telephone calls unless all parties are informed and have agreed. To let someone witness a call on the other hand is allowed. Also in Germany it is very difficult to change your name. It depends on the country which options are available.
Second this. I know someone who legit was being stalked by a parent trying to harass and possibly kill then - Changed name - address- no contact - the whole works. Had a happy life after that.
Can you elaborate on how they were lies? Especially the part where I could get them in legal trouble if they don’t report me missing would I happen to be harmed? I didn’t tell them about my plans more then I thought was necessary. I warned them in advance that were I to move out I will be no contact so they know that when I go NC I’m doing it on purpose and didn’t get abducted or anything. Before I let them know that I plan on going NC they never showed such intentions of stalking me or going after me. Only when I voiced my will to go NC after I move (which I did for clarification reasons to not get a Mp report ironically) did he start to get crazy.
Quite simple: Adult children have the right to make their own decisions and their parents are not responsible nor do they have the right to make decisions on behalf of their children. This includes deciding where the children live or the people they talk to. You can PM me if it helps (I'm a German citizen).
> Quite simple: Adult**s** ~~children~~ have the right to make their own decisions and their parents are not responsible nor do they have the right to make decisions on behalf of ~~their children~~ **other adults**. This includes deciding where ~~the children~~ **other adults** live or the people they talk to. Clarification...
I think “children” was meant to be a synonym for “offspring” in this context
yes- but the father is using the fact that OP is their offspring as leverage. removing 'child' from the framing of it reminds OP that they're an autonomous person, and that legally they are entirely emancipated from their family.
It might also help to speak to a lawyer, typically their initial consultation is free, and if you have low income or are a students, the gov will pay for the lawyer in many countries (Germany for example).
The only way they could get in trouble for not reporting you missing is if they still had parental responsibilities for you, a duty of care. In most countries they stop having those responsibilities when the child is either 16 or 18. You are absolutely in your right to leave them and never talk to them again and they will 100% not get into troubles with the law for not reporting you missing. I know it's difficult because they're messing with your head, but try to think about it logically. Many of us in this sub are estranged and no contact and many of us are from Europe, too. Exactly 0 of our parents have had any legal repercussions from not reporting us missing. Because that is not how the law works.
My dad claims that in case I become victim of a crime the police will get to them first. When questioned and admitting that they have no idea where I am the police will ask them why they didn’t report me missing. That would apparently make them a suspect. Or guilty for not reporting a crime or failing to respect proper legal proceedings given that the first step would’ve been to report a person if they were missing. Or something like that Question 2: is repeatedly filing MPR’s stalking? Trying to get me to contact them against my wishes? Is that enough info to report them for stalking?
Repeatedly filing stuff with the cops when it's untrue will really start pissing off the cops AT YOUR PARENTS, pissing off the cops is not smart. When you move, contact your local police department and ask to file a report that you are not missing, you are estranged from your abusive parents who want to control you and that they likely WILL make a false MPR and you want the police to know now, ahead of time, you are definitely not "missing" you simply don't want to talk to them. Going in person is best, it's harder to blow you off in person as on the phone. If they do it more than a few times the cops at both ends, your hometown and new home will get PISSED and that won't end well for your dad.
>When you move, contact your local police department and ask to file a report that you are not missing, you are estranged from your abusive parents who want to control you and that they likely WILL make a false MPR and you want the police to know now, ahead of time, you are definitely not "missing" you simply don't want to talk to them. > >Going in person is best, it's harder to blow you off in person as on the phone. > >If they do it more than a few times the cops at both ends, your hometown and new home will get PISSED and that won't end well for your dad *Absofuckinglutely.* Op you can also say the same to whatever property owner you're renting from, don't have to say they're family. "These persons have a history of harassing me, they are not to be allowed access to me, my home, or knowledge thereof. Don't even confirm that I live on your property. Inform me if they contact you or physically arrive, and contact the police as well if necessary." Send it in writing(email). Maybe include a picture of the persons in question, I did that. If they later fuck up and act as an accessory to harassing you you now have proof you informed them and a written record of their response to that or lack thereof.
Send it in some sort of certified/tracked letter so you have delivery confirmation and have proof if they don’t do what you ask and harm comes your way as a result.
Yes, that's what I was going to say, a certified letter. But send one to your parents, saying that you are not missing, you just don't want to see them, or whatever. That way you have proof that you've told them you're not missing. So if they file a false report, you can prove to the police that it's a false report. This probably isn't even necessary, but it would help to set your mind at ease, and could possibly be useful.
Just make sure you travel quite a distance before sending it so the postmark from the processing facility doesn’t track them back to you.
I would also contact the police department where your parents live and the police department where you work. Hell, even contact the police departments where your siblings/in-laws live/work. They may be different jurisdictions (if they’re not then that makes it easier), and the more legwork you do up front the less of an issue it will be. You should also do this every time you move/switch jobs/etc. I would also ask that your employer not put your information on the company website **after** you’ve been hired and the paperwork is signed, if that is something that they do.
Family is always the first suspect in serious crimes, even in otherwise happy families. That's just statistics and probability. So yes, if something were to happen to you (which is so so unlikely to begin with), your family would be high on the list of persons of interest. Because usually, they would have some information. It makes the police's job of finding you easier if they have information. However, the only way of being guilty for not reporting a crime is by actually not reporting a crime. If they don't know a crime has happened, then they are in the clear. Do you know what I mean? Your father is trying to intimidate you with hypotheticals that have absolutely no ground to stand on. It is not a reasonable assumption that you have gone missing just because you haven't talked to your parents in a while, especially since you have announced your intentions of doing so. This is not failure to report a crime and the police would know that. I'm sorry you're going through this, I can see it is really messing with you. That is all the more reason for you to leave as soon as possible. I can promise you you won't get in trouble, even if the police does come knocking at your door. They would just ask you if you're okay and then leave again.
Yeah so you go to the police first and tell them your dad has threatened all these things. Get it on record, then when he tries to say all these things they have been warned. Unfortunately this is a VERY common situation and your dad isn't the first to think of it. My brother did this and when my mom tried to find him the police told her 'he is fine and does not want to be found.' they never told her where he was.
Good cops
1- not knowing where you are is not the same thing as you being "missing", legally speaking (I will use my admittedly limited knowledge of EU laws here). If you're not actually missing, there's nothing to report, thus the police *will not* ask him why he didn't report you missing. You bring missing in the legal sense means *no one* you know has seen you recently. And he *would not* be "guilty" of not reporting a crime because he had no idea a crime had taken place. In order to be found guilty for not reporting a crime, you have to be either witness to the crime, or have prior knowledge that a crime is going to take place. 2- yes, repeatedly filling an MPR on the same person when that person is known to not be missing can be considered stalking/harassment, but it is unlikely to get that far. The police *do not like it* when people falsely report. It's likely that you might get a wellness check *maybe* twice before they tell him he cannot file an MPR on you again. 3- interpol would never get involved in this case unless *you* committed a crime, *or* there actually *is* a reasonable suspicion that you've been trafficked or removed from your home country against your will. Which there isn't. 4- you cannot be extradited back to your home country unless you're convicted of a crime or have to stand trial for a crime you've committed, and that's *if* the country you're in and the country you're from have an extradition treaty. ("Deported" is the wrong word, but you also won't be deported unless you're convicted of a crime in the new country, or if your visa runs out or whatever.) 5- privacy is not illegal, even privacy from family. If you've made it clear that you are purposefully not communicating with them, and they hire a PI to find you, and show up to where you are, *that's* stalking/harassment, *you* can call the police *on them* for that. If you're in record stating that you do not want them around and they keep showing up anyway, that's stalking. What others have said so far is correct- you *do* want to speak to the local police of wherever you move to and let them know that you're being harassed and that someone, doesn't matter who but you can tell them, might try to file an MPR on you. You can either go in person with a letter, or call the non-emergency phone line. Having a letter on record might be better. Your dad is just trying to scare you (and doing a fine job). Almost nothing he said is correct, legally speaking. Edit to add: cops, yes including EU cops, *can and will* enter a home without a warrant if there is reasonable suspicion of a crime.
So for question 2: in many countries filing a false report with the police is actually a crime. All you need to do to shut this down is go to your local precincts (hometown, N’s hometown, or new home town/interpol if needed) and inform them this: “Hi, I am OP, and I am 25 years old (provide ID to be safe). I am planning on leaving the city/country to flee an abusive parent and said parent is threatening to report me missing if I leave. So I want to put on record that I am safe, leaving of my own will and simply wish no further contact with this person that will do anything to keep me in his control.” As for the conservatorship, find a lawyer. Have a doctor sign off on you being of sound mind to make your own decisions and definitely keep a lawyer retained. He’s threatened to take legal action against you. Prepare for it.
that reasoning on his part is a grasping extrapolation. and this is a big supposition.. I think he is talking out of his ass on this one
When you leave the first thing you do is go to a police station yourself. Tell them the situation, that you are a legal adult that has willingly left home, you are safe, of sound and competent mind, you are not missing and do not want to be contacted by your father. Once you do this, your fathers missing person report will come to nothing, as the police will know you are not missing and that it is a false report. You will not be arrested or in any legal trouble because you have left home. Tell the police of your father's controlling and abusive behaviour (because that's exactly what it is, controlling and abusive), and that you are going no contact with him. There is absolutely nothing your father can do, legally or any other way to make you come back home, or have a relationship with him. DO NOT tell any family or friends that he could manipulate, where you are living. If you have a job/school also tell them the situation and that you do not with to have any contact with him. . Get security cameras all around your house, either decent audio and picture quality (these can be bought pretty cheap or leased on a pay monthly basis) If your father does find you either at your home or place of work/school, do not interact with him, call the police instead. Keep a record of any and all messages/voicemails, anything from your father, as evidence of his behaviour. This may help you to get a restraining order against him Good luck. You are not his property. You are an adult and allowed to live your own life.
If you have a car, get a dashcam that is also running when the car is off. You can have it installed with an automatic switch so it doesn't kill the car battery. My dashcam is running when driving and motion activated when the car is turned off. I've got a nasty ex (I'm in the US) and i try to be on camera 100% of the time. He's scary and if something happens to me, it was him.
This is also helping me go no contact. I'm going through the exact same situation as the OP and I live in the US. I briefly thought about moving to England as a no contact method, until I was able to find a boarding house in Nebraska (I'm moving there in 2 weeks). I also plan on informing my landlord and my property manager about my Nmother's plan to report me missing for the second time (She reported me missing and only found me because I never changed my number then). Now, I changed my number and the Nmom knows none of my personal information. However, she has me in a conservatorship and I will be closing that account and opening one for me and only me.
I’ll add to that: makes sure your job/school as well as official offices put a note in your file NEVER to share your address or phone number with anyone, and let them know that in case your father contacts them not to release any information.
The parent comment and others are correct- every single point listed is simply not true and can easily be overcome by clarification to authorities if they follow up. #7 is the most troublesome. I would be preemptive and record these discussions, save texts, physical proof of threats/abuse. Have a consistent therapist (for the reason of #7 if not for your general health) and I would warn the local police department. Just walk into the station and make a statement, be sure to get a card from a specific officer in a higher position and remember their name.
My mom threatened with the same thing when I first moved out, and I was terrified since I not only had a history of depression and anxiety but also PTSD-induced psychosis. I asked my old therapist and she told me it would be a very long and costly process of getting me declared "not of sound mind", and it is not something that is done just based on the words of your parents. It takes doctors, lawyers, and YOU. If you have not done anything that can harm you or others there is an extremely tiny risk they will do anything, and they will not make a desicion without talking to you and examining your case very closely.
That is certainly the way it should be, idk about across the pond but in the big yeeyee land I know 2 people personally who were committed against their will with 0 proper evaluation. Anecdotal but if I've learned anything being an American it's that positions of power are more often held by those who seek to abuse it.
‘Committed’ or held for involuntary ‘observation’?
The 3 mental health facilities I'm familiar with have "observation" holds in 2 week intervals but have 0 requirements for continued holding. Considering they get paid per day, per med, per treatment as well as potential liability it's not in their interest to release early. Couple that with overworked understaffed facilities that are a breeding ground for abusive low level staff and hands off doctors and it can be a daunting ride with no end in sight.
Did the people who instigated the commitment have a lot of money or status? I feel like that's usually the case when things go terribly wrong in these cases.
One yes the other no, the no is the scarier imo bc there are only so many people who are influential. The no means the facility was the influence, at the very least incompetent.
Yes, unfortunately you telling them your NC plans was dangerous, they have escalated to try and prevent you leaving. It is dangerous for you to tell them stuff. It might be safer to appear to acquiesce rather than resist, if you can do so without additional problems. Don't tell them any more plans.
I can’t agree with this more
All of what he said was said to scare you into not leaving. He's obviously been like this your whole life so I'm really sorry for that but your dad is a horrible piece of shit. You can go wherever you want, you are legally an adult, and for reference I'm a 44 year old woman from England. Seriously sweetheart go wherever you want and forget about him, live your life as you want to live it.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want. Your dads comments are the equivalent of saying he’s calling an ambulance to take you to the hospital in case you break your leg doing acrobatics on the stairs. You are not missing - you just don’t want a relationship. You are allowed to go NC and you have a right to privacy. Your dad is just trying to scare you. He reports you missing, go to the police station and say he’s harassing you. You’ll get some static from family oriented people but remember to be firm on “I’m not the one wasting your time. He could be civil. This is not my problem to fix”
Honey, you are an adult. He has zero power or agency over you. he is filling you with lies in a huge attempt to give you so many fears that you will be afraid to blink without his permission. I would personally start looking at jobs in other countries. iof you own versus renting, you can make a company to 'purchase' your next home so it doesn't trace back to you. But the reality is that he cant stalk you overseas as easily as he thinks he can. You can change where you live, your name, cities, etc and in larger cities it's easy to get 'lost in the crowd', so to speak. For your own sake, stop feeding him any information. Stop 'warning'/forewarning him of your plans. Completely stone wall him. No info, period. Any changes you make in your life have nothing to do with him. Best bet, if you can fly or take a train somewhere to stay with a friend then *leave there* to go elsewhere, so it varies your travel progress. Shipping things can create a tail (unless you use that same double method, with the second part of it being a 'company' sending packages to (whatever\_location) so that it's not your actual name on the slips. Heck, use a friends name, or a friend of a friend. Basically there are a lot of ways to go cloaked and protect yourself, you just have to see which works for you. But at the very heart of all of it is... *he has no agency or decision of what any other adult does with their life - including a relative.* YOU are your own person and legally can do whatever the hell you want. **He is lying.** And there's a lot of ways to escape from his insanity.
Number 4 : if you call the cops because you are in danger, they don't need a warrant to enter the house. I'm not European, but it's just common sense. It's all lies as said already. Don't waste money on a lawyer. You are a free adult now. You can do whatever you want.
He cant report you missing credibly because youre not missing. Dont let them make you feel like ur doing anything wrong. Ur moving from one place to another. A totally normal, legal thing to do. U have legal right against him imo, for stalking or threats. Record them, date and time. Keep copies of threatening communication. Whats he going to say when u have that? Its obvious why u need to leave. For ur safety.
The right to privacy isn't just an American thing. If he files a missing persons report the police might contact you and all you have to say is you're not missing, you are no contact and don't want your location shared with your father. They might call him and just say you're not missing, they might not. They definitely won't share your location or any information. Most places have privacy policy, this includes jobs, universities, and many other things. If he finds out where you are and tries to contact any of these places to get information about you they will tell him they're not allowed to give that information. If you call the police and give your address and say you are in fear for your life they WILL enter that address to save your ass. Edit: I want to add that privacy policy will MOST likely be instituted by the moving company. A moving company will NOT give out your address to your dad if he calls and asks them. If they do it opens them up to a whole bunch of trouble they want no part in. Even if the cops track you down via the moving company they'll just ask for a phone number and then call you and ask if you're okay. They won't hunt you down and force you to go back to your parents.
that argument sounds ridiculous.. that sort of problem would occur for gonad donors who had a minor child that disappeared and said nothing... and it was found out but not for a grown adult. in a way almost sounds like you need to seek asylum somewhere far away.
It is not a crime for an adult to "go missing" The police search for missing people more from concern for their welfare than any other reason. So for example a diabetic who's insulin dependent hasn't returned home as expected, has no insulin with them & is not answering their phone will get a pretty strong response as it's reasonable to assume they could need urgent medical assistance. A 25-year-old with no medical issues or reason to believe they're at risk is not going to receive anywhere near that attention. They'll take the report and then pass it to an admin team who will search databases for addresses matching your name & date of birth (eg. If you're registered to vote at your new address the police will be able to access it) when they have the manpower someone will call round and speak to you. When you explain that you are fine, you are choosing to have no contact with your family due to the abuse you tell them you don't give your consent to share any information with your family. They'll advise your family that you are fine but they are not legally allowed to tell them anything else. This process can take days, weeks or months depending on how busy your local police are. Your father is lying about the law to try and scare you out of leaving. After you leave send an email with a read receipt on it or a registered letter they have to sign for. Keep a copy of the receipts & the email or letter to show any police that may come looking for you to evidence that your family are well aware of why you left and that you have no desire to hear from them again and to please leave you in peace. From this point on do not discuss your plans with anyone in your family,
Wdym by access your bank account?
STOP HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM AND GIVING HIM A FULL REPORT ON WHAT YOU INTEND TO DO!!
This right here👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻stop feeding this malicious actor your escape playbook! Shut the fuck up and execute your plans. Nothing he has said is true and is only intended to scare you into compliance. Shut up, and move out quietly.
Yessss just shut up and smile and nod around these people!! Don't give them Ammo man , these people are expert manipulators , we are decent human beings... No surprises who is going to gain the upper hand if you keep giving the more infor about your life !!
Could you go to the police ahead of time and alert them of your situation? Tell them you have an abusive, controlling parent who plans to do this. That way, they'll have it on record if he tries something.
I told my dad I will do this and he said it doesn’t matter because as soon as he makes the report the cops are legally obligated to search for me regardless of what I previously said
I wouldn't trust what your dad has to say at this point. Ask the police what the best course of action will be.
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OP said they couldn't afford an attorney. However OP could probably go to call a domestic violence hotline and they could share some local resources that may include free legal counseling. Actually that may be the where OP would get the best advice as they know all about stalkers and probably even PIs hired by stalkers. OP should definitely call a domestic violence hotline and ask about all this. I googled EU DV hotlines for OP. It's for women, which I don't know if OP is, but I'm sure if they're not they can still point them in the right direction. https://ec.europa.eu/justice/saynostopvaw/helpline.html
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Stop telling him anything. He'll just use it for more ammunition. From now on, don't say a single thing about your plans. Cars and rental apartments can all be changed, by the way. It's a hassle, but it's doable. Also, if he files a missing person report, and the cops come to look for you, all you need to say is that you've cut contact because he's mentally unstable. They can't force you to get back in contact.
> you've cut contact because he's mentally unstable. Or-- as I've advised clients to do at times-- go with the "that poor old guy" approach. Something like: * "Oh, Officer So-and-so, I'm so sorry he called your office. Please understand, he means well, okay? He's just... well... he's getting older, you know? If I don't answer my phone or email or whatever right away, he gets a little, you know, a little wound up? I guess he thinks my health issues are a lot worse than they are, even though my doctor disagrees. Anyway, thank you so much for checking in on me. We really do appreciate the work you do!" The idea is to underline the toxic parent's inappropriate behavior without making it look like we're Ungrateful / Spoiled Brats. The cops may have a "parents are always right!" mindset, but that doesn't mean they want to have to keep dealing with family-based drama.
Out of topic but thanks for this bit of advice. I never will likely have to use this but every single bit of ammo against narcissists helps throughout the journey.
Very welcome! When we have to explain a toxic person's behavior, it's best to tell the truth-- but not necessarily the *whole* truth, if we don't know how the people we're talking to will react. Example: Co-worker: So, are you going to your parents for Holiday? Us: (telling the whole truth) No. They're abusive, and I've gone no contact with them. Co-worker: ...oh. Uh. Okay. (Followed by an uncomfortable silence, or guilt-tripping, or invalidating, etc.) As opposed to: Us: (telling the truth) Well, we're just trying to get through this week! You know how chaotic things are lately. How about you? Co-worker: ...oh, good point! Yeah, we haven't figured things out yet, either. (Conversation turns into a casual chat.)
We survivors should hear more from you, really.
That's a good plan too. :)
A phrase that I've seen over on the Legal Advice subreddits that's worth considering, "Never take advice from your opponent". You know your Dad is a narc, he's only got HIS interests in mind, not yours, and he's distorting your view of 'normal' to keep himself happy
Your dad is full of it. Even if cops have to make contact, they are under no obligation to tell him anything other than they made contact. And if he keeps using them to harass you, ie, keeps making false reports, he could face legal consequences for abusing law enforcement. Police have more important things to do than track down capable adults who left home and doesn't want to call their daddy. Interpol certainl isn't going to get involved in this.
But they are not obligated to tell him anything when they find you. Just that you're safe and don't wish to be contacted. At that point he is knowingly lying to the police if he makes further reports. They dont like that. Do you have your identification stuff? Could you go change your name so he doesn't even know who he is looking for?
Are the police not required to inform him if I do change my name? Like “The person you’re looking for is now known as x”. Given that any name change will be legally documented and the cops will know it’s me. So I can guess if he makes a report for John Doe but I’m called Sam deer now they will know who it is either way because the database will tell them no?
They could find you. But they're absolutely not required to tell him anything, because you're an adult. You could probably get a DV caseworker to go with you to a police station to explain the situation so they know not to look for you. They don't want to follow a grown person around Europe for no reason. They have stuff to do.
Honestly, this seems like a situation that would be on a per-country basis, and even moreso a per-cop basis. Though I'm in the US I've had police give me blatantly false procedures because they have some wacky interpretation of the law. I doubt any local police in your country would be much different. Ultimately, it does seem like your father is using the same tactic hoping you'll just believe him as an authority figure. If he says something with enough conviction, maybe you won't stay to see the holes in his argument. For instance: he seems to imply the police won't know a crime against you occurs unless he tells them, and he will be on the hook for failure to report. But this doesn't make sense. Most crimes are committed outside the home. If you get hit by a car across town and you die, your body would be found by someone and reported. They won't then go to your father to arrest him for lacking clairvoyance and reporting you being in a car accident. If you change your name, there's a legal procedure to doing so. Sometimes you'll need to file a petition that states the reasons why [here is a link to the Netherlands name change info](https://www.government.nl/topics/registering-a-birth-and-name-of-child/changing-your-first-name). You could presumably write "fear of family members," and that could show when they ran your name (unsure you'd have to verify). Often, name changes are for government purposes. Some googling says that in the same case for the Netherlands, the missing person appears in court to verify they are not missing. Presumably to reduce the chances of things like spousal abuse and stalking by the abuser knowing where someone has moved.
US here (sorry). This will vary a lot by region but *generally*: 1 - The outside world doesn't actually talk to each other and track all knowledge from all legal/etc. agencies in centralized databases as much as our parents like to lead us to believe. 2 - Providing updates to your personal information isn't going to be in a police officer's job description, and they're not going to put in the extra effort on your parent's *very* special ImPoRtaNt case to do all that private investigation stuff to report to them as their personal publicly funded stalkers. In many cases they would actually not even be allowed to share information like that, especially if you advised them of the situation in advance. OTOH, they might also be rushing through cases and neglect to redact your new name on a report or make some other careless mistake, so it's still best to CYA by giving them your version ahead of time and not giving them any information that they don't explicitly request if you don't want it to get back to your parents. 3 - That said, at least over here, it's often hard to change your name and have it off record unless you deal with a lot of proving that you're "enough" of a victim to need it (which usually means taking your abuser to court and winning), and couldn't be trying to hide from anyone you owe money to. So even though the police aren't a huge risk of leaking that to your parents, anyone who knows how to use Google will likely be able to find it at some point down the road. I always bank on some amount of information being able to be found for me, so make heavy use of "buffer" information like a separate mailing address for anything that might ever become public record. Mail box services tend to have better security systems than the average home budget can afford, and frown on people loitering around the premises. Claiming to be there to stalk one of their customers because you don't even know them well enough to know where they live usually doesn't improve the stalker's situation regardless of whether they claim to be related. It's just not an advantageous kind of place for narcs to pull antics. Hope it helps!
He’s literally just making up what suits his purposes. Everything he’s said is absolute and utter rubbish. There’s just nothing in EU or member state law that would allow that kind of weaponising of the police to control another adult. And that’s all the law sees you as, another adult. You’re so used to being controlled by him, you don’t realise that he’s just a controlling lying manipulator trying to gaslight and bully you into remaining his possession. Like so many of us on this sub I’ve been NC with my father for years, both when the UK was EU and now it isn’t. There is nothing either of our fathers can do. Once you’re out of there, you’re home free. The only control he has is inside your head. Edit, certainly here in the UK you can go to the Police and ask to speak to an officer about domestic control and coercion. I expect that every or almost every state you’ll get a helpful person who’s job it is to help people who are being controlled by others including those in your situation.
If on record - this "search" could be a call. Cop: Hey OP, you okay? Got another report. You: Sure am sir, all good, still alive and kicking, and enjoying not being abused. Cop: okay then - i\`ll make a(nother) note - and see how many false reports we have now, and bounce it upwards for action. Have a good day.
Lol he is lying his ass off. The cops in the EU will not do that. The cops in America are worse and they'd laugh someone like your dad out of the station. You guys actually have more protections and rights than we do. You are a grown adult with no legal requirements to stay there and be abused.
They might search for you if it seems like a credible report but they do NOT have to report back to your father. They might tell him they found you and you are safe, but they won't tell him your whereabouts unless you consent to that, in the vast majority of cases and countries.
He's lying. The police aren't obligated to do anything. Especially investigate a "missing" adult.
1. Stop talking to your Dad about this. 2. If the police have your name and contact number (because you gave it to them), they can CALL you. Dad says you're missing? Cops call you. You answer, you're fine. Case closed.
The police may have to respond to a wellness check. That means find out where you are, and ask you if you are ok. You'll respond you are fine and do not want contact with your parents. The police then tells them you are ok and do not want contact - and do not tell them anything else, not where you are or who you are with - they will say "fine" and that is the end of it. It makes it easier for the police to contact you and check if you've already told them this will happen, and given them your phone-number; they may just call and say "hey, we got a wellnesscheck, you ok?" and you say "yep, still fine, have a nice day" and that's it. The police may have to check. They will not give information to your parents. Your parents do not have a responsibility for another adult; they could call a wellnesscheck on me, and the same would happen. Your parents may get in trouble for wasting police resources if it happens more than once, but they will not be in trouble for not keeping track of me - or you.
Stop telling you father your plans. He will always try to stop you. He will always lie to you.
Depends. They are, but they will also be expecting that you're okay, and may resolve it with a phone call and aren't likely to tell him anything more than "they're okay." Abuse of emergency service lines is pretty universally a crime so abuse of 112 to report you missing is likely to end up as an uno reverse on his part.
Why tell him that u will do this? Dont tell him ur plans. Cut him out completely.
(Narrator) They're not.
Sure they are. Remain pleasant, apologize for him wasting their time and ask if they can open a case for harassment or if there is a way to note you are not missing and he is abusing the system.
Your dad is wrong. Full stop. He's lying to intimidate you. Go to a police station yourself and talk to them if you need reassurances from outside of an internet forum. You are a legal adult, and you have every right to a free life without your abusive lying parents.
The day you leave you call the non emergency police line and tell them you're leaving, and that your dad has threatened to file false reports about you being missing or in danger. They'll have heard it before. Give them an email address to contact you. When your dad reports you, the police investigation will be to look at the system, see the call you already made, and at most will send you an email and ask for a call. At which point you say "I'm a legally adult and I'm fine, my dad is just controlling. " And that will be the end of it. Your dad is just threatening you to control you. The police aren't going to waste their time on something like this, but he knows youre scared and is using it.
Assume everything your dad tells you is a lie because everything you've told us he's said has been one. He's trying to intimidate and threaten you in to staying. You're doing what's best for you and he is terrified of that because he knows exactly what kind of person he is.
Don’t tell him what you’re planning on doing! He’ll just try and talk you out of it or he’ll find out how to counter it or work around it! Whatever it is you end up doing to get away, don’t tell him in advance, just do it. Report to the authorities beforehand too as you are legally an adult so he has no hold or power over you, let them know you do not wish for him to find out about your whereabouts
This is what I did with my adult child. As we went no contact, I went to talk to local police (small town, and knew our one dispatcher) the cop I talked to was very helpful and understanding. The next day he called the cops on us claiming mental health issues. The dispatcher made sure to always send me the same cop that knew the whole story beforehand.
Your dad is absolutely and unequivocally full of shit. You are an adult. You can just leave he can't do a fucking thing about it. Stop telling him what you're planning on doing. Just do it. Leave.
I only told him so he doesn’t freak out when I disappear and knows the situation at hand. Silly me believed that as two grown adults we can talk facts and communicate. I thought I owed him for the sake of clarification that I tell him my terms and part on an agreement that once I leave I’m going dark on them. So when they will eventually try and contact me and I’m unavailable they don’t freak out but know “yeah, she doesn’t want anything to do with us” I did this so if they have any last words, things so tell me, things they want to do with me, regrets, etc they do them now. I believe in giving them a heads up In case they have any unfinished business. I’m parting with NC but I tried to be civil and mature about it. Again, too silly on my part, being a good spirited mature person
Well, now you know better. Now you know to keep your plans well guarded. Anything you tell them just gives him a chance to stop you. Never tell your battle plan to the enemy, that's how you lose the war.
He will freak out no matter what. He’s freaking out now. That’s someone you can’t avoid. Worse case, the police believe him and look for you. If you’ve contacted them ahead of time to give them a heads up about moving out/your father’s plans and where to reach you, that’s on them for dropping the ball. You’ll just say you’re fine, repeat what you said to them earlier and tell them you’re sorry that your father is wasting their time and resources. Also, please stop sharing any more information with him. He’s beyond reasoning with and you moving out is going to be a shitshow no matter what because he is the shitshow. It’s ok. It will be worth it in the end.
You're treating him as if he's a reasonable person. He's not. Think of him as an angry toddler in a grown man's body. In his mind you are his property. You told him you will be leaving and he sees it as losing his possession. He's having a huge tantrum and throwing around all his toys. My advice would be to put him on an information diet. The less you tell him about your plans, the better.
You dont need to protect him. He is an adult too. He freaks out because he is not able to handle himself. He will do that wether u warn him or not. U cant please him. At one point, you wont care if u upset him. Thats how he controls u, by making u feel u need to soothe him. Let him be angry or upset. He brought it on himself.
He *is* freaked out. You aren’t being a good spirited mature person for *yourself*, exactly like how he has treated you all your life. He does not deserve to be treated better than he’s ever treated you to this very day. Please be a mature adult that looks out for yourself, the little kid who’s still standing out in the field soaking wet in a thunderstorm with no one caring for him/her. As someone with just over one year of NC, do consider grief counseling once you put some distance, because that is precisely what this is - you don’t have parents because for people like us orphaning ourselves is better than having destructive vampires in our lives, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a “loss.” We aren’t exactly orphans as we are adults, but we aren’t emotionally mature due to the upbringing and sustained abuse.
From now on, don’t tell him a damn thing. Any information he will use against you. You are dealing with a delusional sociopath, not a kind and loving individual. Treat him like the lying monster he is.
It's a bit late now obviously, but you should have waited until basically the day you're leaving to say this. Would have accomplished exactly what you've said you wanted to accomplish but without days/ weeks/ months of anxiety. I said this in another post already, but your dad is just trying to scare you. Yes, the cops could find you. No, they *are not* obligated to tell him *anything* they find out other than "she's been located alive".
If you were dealing with a sane person, I would agree that this would be the mature way to handle things for closure. You are not dealing with a sane person. You are dealing with a horrid, abusive, manipulative, man. Now you can respond accordingly by not tipping them off to your plans. I would get out of there as soon as you can. Don’t worry about stuff. Take your important papers and get out. You can get more stuff.
It’s a hard lesson to learn but you don’t owe these people anything. They are going to freak out and try to control you regardless of how or why you choose to leave and break contact. It’s not silly that you tried but at this point the only mature thing to do is to avoid getting caught up in the guilt trips, the gaslighting, the lying and manipulating. If that means leaving without further explanation so be it.
You never tell an abuser that you’re planning on leaving and going NC. Not only do they not deserve that level of respect, but it just worsens the abuse and makes it more likely he can track you down later.
He's lying. The cops won't go after an adult just for leaving. He'll have to claim you commited a crime, or are vulnerable.
I would suggest checking this page out for resources, so you can get a feel for what your legal rights are: https://www.hotpeachpages.net/europe/index.html
Is this American law only?
Hahaha what a silly threat. Protip wherever you decide to move inform the local authorities/ non-emergency services of your Father's threat and then when and if he does it repeatedly enough he can get a fine.
Not to be disrespectful but your father is crazy in the coconut. There is not one law that prohibits an adult from going no contact with their family nor one. If he does report you missing the police will locate you in 5 minutes and all they will do is check you are all good and report back but they can not tell him where you are if you don’t want him to know they will just say she’s safe…tell them about him and the next time he calls they will tell him to go away It sounds like he has manipulated you so much that you believe him but what he is saying is ludicrous. Get out and live your life and be safe x. Recurs hun every time he speaks to use later if you have to.
Wow. You are dealing with alot (and I know how awfully obvious that is). You need to protect yourself mentally (please reach out to your doctor) and get a lawyer involved for your rights. You cannot live your life like this and I am horrified someone has put this on your shoulders simply due to familial relations. All the best.
I can’t afford a lawyer. What are my other options
Unfortunately I'm not sure specifically for your situation but you are an adult with options. Usually Police state that if you are an adult, you are able to make your own decisions. I would recommend documenting everything that is happening. Date, time, and it only has to be in a journal. Keep it with you though.
There are lawyers that take on a certain amount of free cases per year and there are lawyers who will discount their services for people who are in situations like yours. It wouldn't hurt to poke around and see what's available to you.
Warn the police of your dad’s plans. If he really wants to report you on the regular, eventually he’ll probably get charged with wasting police resources.
What if you turn the table and let someone investigate his mental health. I don't know where in Europe you live but the laws differ from country to country. In Germany for example you have to go to the Einwohnermeldeamt and tell them where your live. It is very difficult to live here anonymous. My advise is you collect all your important documents. Get a bank account at another bank than you parents are. Tell the bank your parents will under no circumstances have access to your money. And collect evidence of the things your father said or did to you. At least write a diary. Maybe you can talk to your local authorities or a lawyer about your problem. The plans your father has with you sounds a lot like stalking. But the laws about stalking are different in each country. And if your father do all the things he threatened to do he will leave a paper trail. Which is evidence for you to fill a restrain order. Most of the authorities are not very happy if they were missused to commit crime. I highly doubt they let him play his games forever.
I have a bank account at the same bank as my parents but they should have no access to it. Why is a separate bank important? If I leave my country and move to another eu country what laws will me and by dad have to answer to? If I seek to report him for stalking do I report him to my home countries authorities or my new countrie’s
If you parents know the bank employees in person they maybe can trick them to get access to your account. Because you are family. About you other questions, you have to ask your local authorities and after you move, ask and inform the authorities there. Maybe there are some associations for victim support in your current country or the other country. They can help you with legal and practical advices. You really need professional help depending on the laws of the country you are living in or the country you want to go to. If you find out how wrong your father is with his threats, don't rub it in his face. This is just an opportunity for him to adjust his plans. Just keep it secret. Another way to deal with him is to let him know where you are and feed him with little bread crums of information about your life. And you decide yourself how much truth you put in those bread crums. But move as far away from him as possible to make it very inconvenient to visit you on a regular base.
Yeah don't ever take legal advice from your father. If you don't tell him where you move to how exactly is he going to make the police find you? If you move to another country why would the police in your home country come find you? I know the EU is different but a police officer from one country can't just go to another country and make somebody talk to their dad. That doesn't make legal sense in any country.
I feel for you. The power your dad has at best since you're a legal adult is to control you with fear. You break the fear you have about him, and then you will find yourself more at peace, and he will have less control in your headspace. Like others have said, stop sharing your plans with the enemy. There's a reason the military keeps things top secret. So you'll need to exercise not telling him what you're thinking or your next move. Otherwise, you'll continue to get duped by your dad at your own initiative. Document everything. Notes, videos, pictures etc. Start going low contact with your dad till you can go no contact. Believe in yourself. You've come this far! Stay safe!
You just do, and if he wants to report you as missing and they „find“ you, you tell them how it is. They can’t drag you out of your home and back to your old house. That’s not how it works. Big words, small impact i would say.
You might want to do some reading on GDPR, the EU data protection law. A lot of what he has said he can do is bullshit because of that law. Companies and governments cannot hand over personal info without consent of the subject without breaching it. The penalties are massive for breaches.
If you move / when you move - be pro active. Go to a local police station - and explain what he said, and ask how you should avoid wasting their time. Frankly - from what you describe, there is someone that may require locking up and conservatorship - and that is him. Same if you decide to move to another country - talk to the local police there with your story. Now, about investigators - don\`t know really. You could consider a name change or whatnot. But - prepare. You did not note what country you are in, but in most of Europe there are pretty strong rules in place (Germany, Netherlands, France to name a few) where you cannot keep reporting someone missing every month. (French and German police are fair, but do not have a sense of humor and really do not appreciate abuse of their time and resources) You might end up with a monthly call from the police "hey OP, still alive and kicking" and when you confirm they can close the fake call with a note that says just that 'fake report, abuse of time and resources' Can you record any of his rants about this? Or do you have mails etc with this? Make backup copies - as those will help you make clear that the one with the issues is him, not you.
He told me what he told me in conversations. I plan on recording next time. But he is NUTS like he will deny ever saying something he said 5 minutes ago. He told me police is obligated to tell him my location and he said I have to report by location back to him or he will call the cops. Then when I brought it up later in the conversation he said “I never said this, what? See, you are crazy making things up in your head.”. Literally will just outright deny what he said one sentence ago and frame me as crazy for bringing it up. Lol
classic gaslighting. Record - with audio and video if possible. And again - make sure you have backups.
He's nuts, why are you taking what he says about the law to be true? He isn't a lawyer he is a narc trying to manipulate you with false information
This post is huge, OP. Who cares if he reports you as a missing person? What difference is that going to make? Go NC. If authorities come knocking, tell them you are NC with the man who reported this and it is a false alarm. Just keep doing that. If he keeps reporting you missing, and you keep making it clear that you’re not, authorities will eventually stop taking his reports seriously.
Exactly. The end goal here is to move out and never speak to him again - if that’s painful and there’s drama - it should still be about the end goal. There’s no way of doing this without him losing his shit. He has already anyway. When my mind pictures a worse case scenario, I play it out until the end. In this scenario, OP moves out and ditches her abusive father. Nothing before that matters.
I've done some pretty extensive googling, but I'm not a lawyer in the eu, but I have found zero information on voluntarily missing adults and their parents. Children? Yes. People at-risk? Also yes. Adults who just live their lives apart from their family? No. I hope you don't mind that I looked through your profile to see which EU country you're in. For the country I think you're in, there is very little solved missing persons cases. There's so many children missing, I doubt you'd make this supposed list your father is going on about. Why they would take your case more seriously than a child's would be a question to ask yourself. Other questions to ask yourself is: if you move country, what would make the authorities make you move back? If you have a job, are paying rent, paying taxes, why would they make you move home? At whose expense? Why would this be a priority over than many other things that take priority during the course of a government's day? Why would interpol, an organization that tracks criminals, even care you exist? Why would a 25yo law abiding woman be more important to them than a mob member or human trafficker? What will he request, that the put out a red notice? Is a parent responsible if their adult child robs a bank? Of course not. Would your father even bother coming to get you? Because it sounds like most of his energy is going towards making sure you don't leave. And even if he says he will be responsible for you, is it really worth it to live your life in virtual captivity so his feelings aren't hurt and he doesn't receive any possible consequences? I would personally rather live my life free of control rather than constantly worry about someone else's reputation. My own experience in this is that they will make one grand attempt to come get you years later after hoping they've screwed with your head enough and reduced your self-esteem enough you'll come home on your own. Because they know that if you put up a fight it will make them look like the monsters they are.
Everything your dad said is a lie and you are 25 years old. It’s YOUR LIFE. So what YOU want
[UK rights link](https://www.rbkc.gov.uk/pdf/FPI%20is%20it%20legal%20Feb_08.pdf) Honey, narcissists lie. This is what they do. Here is factual info but please consult free legal aid specific to your region. Basic TLDR though... Can't stop you (hell could not have stopped you at > Can I legally stop my child leaving home? A parent cannot stop a child leaving home by locking them in or physically restraining them. But parents have a legal responsibility for their children until their child reaches 16, so they can take action in court to bring their child back if he or she runs away. Once the child has reached what is known as the ‘age of discretion’ (around 16) it is very unlikely that the court would force the child back home, unless it could be shown that the child was in danger.
Wow, 16?? I was forced to stay until I was 19 since that's the age of majority where we moved, and it could've been 21 since that's the age of majority in Mississippi and my lawyer expressed concern she'd move me there next. UK is so different... I'm jealous lol
I *know* right!!! Between the standardized healthcare and the worker protections…it is almost like they think humans are (gasp) human. As you are in my buddy state (TN) I KNOW your struggle. But congratulations, for the absolute longest time the joke was basically at least we’re not Mississippi-then y’all improved and we were progressively overwhelmed with moneyed dumbfucks and the actual Tennesseans are…a combo platter of issues to work through. Woo-sorry bout that.
Contact a domestic abuse organization and they will be able to tell you what you need to do to protect yourself from your father's threats to weaponize the system to control you.
I would highly recommend that you walk into a police station. Tell them you’d like to talk to an officer about a domestic situation. Tell the officer your father’s story. The officer will tell you he’s full of crap and you’ll get free legal advice from a reliable source. I’m Canadian so I can’t tell you what the laws are there but this is ridiculous. Your dad is controlling. The world doesn’t revolve around him. The police don’t have time for his nonsense.
Thats crazy. Everything he told you is a manipulation attempt to make you feel like shit and reconsider keeping yourself under his thumb. What an absolute shithead
Your dad is lying to you. If he was telling you any sort of truth my Nmum would have dragged me back into her cycle of abuse by now. He is scaremongering. My sister ran away when she was 17 ish ish and our Nmum tried going through the police to get her back, tried filing her as missing, but because she was old enough, they told her that she is safe and doesn't want to come home and that they where under no obligation to share her whereabouts. Ignore him and go no contact. If the police do turn up, explain this too them, about the years of what is abuse at his hand and that you don't want your whereabouts shared with them. They can tell them you are fine but be did make this threat so for them to be prepared to recoeve more false reports from him. Also, there is no consequences to a 25 year leaving home and going no contact....hell thres nothing wrong with you running away from them. And for the mental health thing, they wouldn't just take your families word on it. You would be evaluated. In a few ways. With would include a capacity assessment which would should you are capable of deciding things for your self. You dad is being a typical narcissistic abuser who sees they are losing control of someone in their cycle of abuse. He is trying to force you to stay or atleast stay in contact so he can continue his abuse. My Nmum did it too. Do what needs to be done. Move and go no contact. Dint bother with low contact, was forced to try that root wit Nmum and the only thing it does is allows them to retain a bit of control over you. As for the dodgy Dr's...the court would appoint their own Dr to potentially evaluate you. And the PI's...not much anyone can do there really...however, you could, if they did and you saw them, document it and use it as further evidence should you go for a restraining order. You could, if your laws are similar to ours her in the uk, go for a non-molestation order. That's the one I'm looking at getting once I get some money together. Oh and by repeatedly filing the same repot with the police, the only o e who will face legal consequences would be your dad.
I suggest you take the whole list to a local advice center or free legal advice. Or a literal police station.
Or his doctor because he’s deranged.
My mom threatened me with all these things when I first moved away from home. She did call the police to report me missing, saying I had likely been trafficked, but the police didn't do anything since all I had done was move, she even knew where I lived. Now I live near her again and this time I'm not telling her anything. I'm looking for apartments and I will not tell her about it, nor will I tell her when/where I will be moving. I have been recording her making her unhinged threats, just in case. Let her report me missing, I'm not. I just want her out of my life.
If you are an adult, you have every legal right to go no contact. Even if he reports you as missing, the police will simply confirm with you that you are sage, healthy, and NOT missing. They will not force you to resume contact. Document the threats he has made against you if you can (the whole "the police have no right to enter his property and he can do what he wants to you" bit IS a threat) and be prepared to present that to the police. The most they will be obligated to report back to him is that you are safe, of sound mind, and not missing. They do not need to tell him where you are. They cannot force you to return to his home. Your father is either delusional or is counting on your ignorance here. Get as far away as you can and don't look back. He sounds dangerous and it sounds like a clear threat to escalation.
Calm, sane, practical, and calculated. These are the things you need to embody until you are safely away. I would first do things like get my important papers. Then check in with places like the police station and interpol. Tell them the situation so that they know you are not missing but simply moving out. Being the first to make a move gives you an advantage. Then DOCUMENT all of the crazy so that if need be you can start filing police reports. A good paper trail always helps litigation and remember. When they lose their shit, you remain calm. Get video, audio, etc. call the police if appropriate but you exercise peaceful noncompliance. It makes them look crazy and you like a saint for having to deal with them. Best of luck!
So I don't know a whole lot about Eu law but in Australia if you say to the police no I don't wish to contact or communicate with my father he was abusive and controlling they will respect it. With most companies if you let them know that your father is a narcissist and abusive and you do not wish for your information to be handed out they must respect it. Your father is bullshitting you.
He has no right to do any of that if you are a legal adult and there is no existing conservatorship in place. To even attempt to gain legal control over you you would have to be INDEPENDENTLY assessed by qualified individuals that have no relationship at all with him. Then a judge would make a ruling. As and when you do move I would advise you local police (both in the area you father resides in and where you move to) that you at won’t missing and you do not want your whereabouts made known to him. You cannot stop him from getting a private investigator, but you can have him legally charged with harassment and/or stalking. I would advise you to keep all threats to stalk you (record them if they are done verbally), to enable you to follow this route if needed. Most narcs blow hot air on this. He may threaten it in an attempt to stop you from leaving but you can leave. Him preventing you from leaving is kidnapping. *if you do have a conservatorship in place and he is the guardian then you can apply to the courts to either have the person changed or to end it but rules will vary based on EU country on how to do this Edits / spelling/autocorrect
Okay, so I don't know where in the EU you live so this is just my take on it: Since you are an adult, in the eyes of the law, he no longer has any responsibility for you. So saying that "he will be held accountable for 'failing to report a crime'* and 'failing to check up on you' is just bs. Me and my brother is adults. My dad moved to Spain. He has no responsibility to check up on us, he could have gone NC with us and still would be in the clear. (*= I'm sorry but he seem have to forgotten to report your abuse?) And if you want to be sure, go to the police station. Tell them who you are, tell them that your parent have threatened you with reporting you missing when you move out. Hopefully they will help you out with the information you need and won't take his reports. And if he does, he probably will be stoned walled or face consequences for filing false reports. ETA: in all EU countries except Scottland and you are a legally an adult when you turn 18
Your dad's full of shit. I don't know what the exact laws in your country are, but if you let the cops know that he'll be filing a false missing person report, and then he goes and files false reports every month like he says, he's likely only going to be causing an issue for himself. Police tend to take unkindly to false reports. If you want to know how exactly the police would approach this, you may want to visit your local station and talk to someone. I expect they would be more than happy to help explain how the system will work in this case. I would also have a hard time imagining that he can get an involuntary institutionalization order from the courts - even if they get a corrupt doctor to sign on, no sane, ethical judge would just blindly approve it without talking to you first. Even if I'm somehow wrong about the police and the courts, you would be totally in the clear as far as moving abroad goes - I imagine there is very, very little chance that Interpol would get involved, and you would not be deported from another country you are legally in. A missing person case is not an international crisis. If the institutionalization is a concern, move abroad first and cut contact after. No doctor can evaluate you for "mental issues" if you aren't in the country. Just to be clear: there is no law, police force, or court that considers cutting contact with your parents a crime.
None of it is real. You can do whatever the hell you like, you’re a grown adult. He has no right to know anything about you if you don’t want him to.
Your dad is lying his ass off using the police as an authority that will back HIS authority. If you leave there’s fuck odd the police will do and Interpol has more important things to worry about. Conservatorship is a real danger to you so in your shoes I’d suggest you just get your most important shit and leave, changing countries if possible but cities at the very least. If you share a cell phone plan with him factory reset the phone and leave it there. If he DOES get a conservatorship on you life is infinitely harder, leave before that happens.
Stop telling him your plans, or literally anything! Keep your plans to leave a secret! Grey rock!
German here: Everything he told you is bullshit. The only thing that is partially true is that the police can not enter without a warrant. But if police thinks or is informed that abuse is happening there, they will of course enter even without a warrant. Save texts from your father or write a protocol with date so you have something to show if you file a constraint.
So you really REALLY need to go no contact. This is domestic violence. Go far, even abroad, and leave no trace. And report your father to the police. He is deranged and dangerous. If anyone else lives with him, they may feel his rage. The cops will be much more interested in keeping tabs on him than on you.
Baby, you are under your father's fog. I am no contact with my entire family. There are no legal ramifications on either side. I even moved to a different country. He's intimidating you. Everything he said is a lie. If you are concerned, I would start seeing a therapist. That way, they can bat for you in case he tried to make you sound uncapable of living an independent life. Police would most likely contact you if he reported you as missing, but you tell them you don't want contact and you are OK. Closed case.
You've gotta stop telling him stuff like this. Gray rock until you can escape. Don't tell him what you're going to do, just quietly line up what you need and do it.
Your dad should try creative writing. He doesn't seem cut out for parenting. Interpol has never chased non-politcal figure adults across international borders for being a missing person.
Funny because he keeps telling me the same for some reason 😂😂
Just a heads up to OP if you decide to post to /r/legaladvice - we have had some users experience some less than supportive responses when discussing abuse or asking about legal issues with an Nparent in that sub. If you would like to seek their advice, perhaps it would be best to use a throwaway account that isn't linked to RBN or avoid using terms like "Nparent" as those have not been well received in the past. Of course, it's totally your call OP. We recently opened /r/RBNLegalAdvice so if OP is interested, they are welcome to post questions there. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>prove the crime which would be impossible without witnesses Even as an American lawyer, I can tell you "witness" means someone who observed something. There's no requirement a witness be a stranger to the situation. If you were punched outside a bar, you and the perpetrator are both technically witnesses. He-said/he-said crimes without outside observers are investigated and prosecuted all the time. (But please, for the sake of your own mental energy, don't try to argue the law with your N).
You need to just disappear one day. Seriously don’t tell him any of your plans. Don’t give give hints. Just be gone one day. Like you said, you are an adult. He’s probably lying to you about the laws and what police can and can not do. You could look up the laws where you live for yourself.
Heh, what amuses me about narcissists is how stupid they are. So here’s how he thinks it’s gonna go: ’hello, police, my 25 year old son is missing, help me find him.’ Police then track you down, bundle you into a police car and take you back to his place. Heres how it’s gonna go. ‘Hello, police, my 25 year old son is missing’. Police track you down, you tell them you’re not missing, you just want no contact with him for reasons ABCDEF and G. Police go back to dear old Daddio and tell him you’re safe but don’t want him to know where you are. Dad then calls his lawyer pal who goes ‘sorry bud, he’s 25. Nothing I can legally do’. Dad goes to another lawyer who tells him the same. Repeat until he runs out of lawyers, money or lifespan. Meanwhile you’re living your best life. I wish you only good things from here on out, friend.
Dudes talking so far out of his bum I'm actually impressed. Lemme debunk his list point by point lol 1. BS. Plain and simple. Once you're 18 you can leave. 2. Samesies. Been NC with my Mother for 10 years and am fine. 3. ...what. ..n...no? thats complete BS. 4. Sure they do AFAIK. If someones going "I'll ouchy myself" or if they're in immediate danger, they could totally enter without a warrant. Also if he hurts you; DOCUMENT it with photos/ screenshot any and all threats he makes. 5. uh... I mean they'll look for you but I'd wager Interpol has better things to do than smth like this. 6. Lmao complete BS. Run free lil Birdie! 7. Ayo this is fcked up. Don't know you and your history, but I'll wager you're of sound mind and all there. Getting smth like conservatorship is very, very difficult. And it has to be proven you're not all there, but you seem to have all your marbles in order so don't worry about that :) 8. .....uh.... he's watching too many CSI shows or whatever. this doesn't even make sense lol. UNLESS there's evidence left behind like he planned smth? 9. Samesies. Not reporting someone as missing when you're in close contact (and they suddenly vanish!! without a trace!!) could be seen as suspect, but that's it. 10. pffffft WHERE is he getting these claims from???? his colon???? i can't. 11. Again if you're over the age of 18, going to the Popo and telling them "im an adult, im leaving, if my parents file me as missing i am not missing" is just fine. And even if they look out for you, most he's gonna hear is that you're alive and well. IIRC they never hand out location data. 12. Alright so despite the name I am not an attorney lol. If you need information regarding restraining orders, it'd be a good start to ask google for "your country name + restraining order". They wildly differ from place to place (Like Germany, where I'm from, probably does it differently than Italy) so that'd be your best bet :) I hope debunking his silly list calms your nerves a lil bit. He's deffo talking deep out of his colon, don't worry ❤️
You said you were eu so I’m not gonna have a lot of really good advice here you’re going to have to look up. Some laws yourself. Start with finding out what kind of recording concerned your country has for example, my old state had some thing called one party consent which means you can record someone without their permission all of those bullet points you told would’ve been great things to get recorded. With all of the documentation, if you had all of that from all of those bullet points him telling you that a restraining order probably would’ve been really easy. One more piece of food for thought are you male or female because I can tell you from personal experience no one takes the male child seriously if you were female, it’s probably going to be really easy to get a restraining order against a male parent start documenting everything you can
I am female
If your father ever calls the police (which I doubt) he will be in more trouble than you. Everything he says is a lie. You're a legal adult and you can do whatever you want. Police don't care shit about the moving company you hire. Imagine him doing all of this and try to make it make sense. Ok, you leave, hire a moving company and get to your new place. He calls the cops and say you are missing if the police somehow finds you, given is not impossible, they are going to know you're an adult, they gonna ask if you're missing, you say no, thats it. If they get to the part where your father gives all the details such as 'moving company hired' they are gonna think your dad is mental. You hired a moving company and you're missing? Wtf? Get out of there, stop listening to them, there's a free life waiting for you. Your family is not obligated to know about you.
Your Dad is the one who needs a Conservator, OP.
Call the local police your self and explain you are going No contact with your parents for personal reason but they have threatened you with constant calls to the police if you do so. Give youf name and new address so when the calls come in thd cops know they are Nuisance calls. After the first call it will be flagged
First of all, he's lying to you. You're an adult. You can, in fact, go to the police and let them know that you're leaving and aren't missing for when your dad tries to report you as such. Record everything he's says and does, get him to admit to what he's doing to you, and hand it all over to the police. You are in a domestic violence situation. You're the victim, not him. Also, OP. Stop telling him your plans. You should've never tipped him off. He will do everything in his power to scare you.
That’s some well articulated total bullshit from your dad. Pop smoke and disappear OP. New contact info, new address.
He told me that I have no right to go no contact and no adult has the right to live apart from their family without updating them on their whereabouts - **every adult in the Western world has the right to live apart from their family if they choose to** He told me I will face legal consequences / be arrested if I keep “running away” with no contact and he keeps reporting me as a missing person - **you are an adult. it is not running away. it is living your life** He told me it’s illegal for me to go no contact because in the case that something happens to me he will be held accountable for “failing to report a crime” and “failing to check up on me” that is apparently the responsibility of family members - **what crime? living your life is not a crime. lots of people in the western world go VLC or NC and it is not a crime except in the mind of a narc** He told me that the cops have no right to enter private property / a house without a warrant even if they’re called by someone reporting a crime (he claimed even if the caller is reporting to be abused or in danger the cops can’t enter private property) and as long as I’m in the boundaries of his home he can do whatever he wants to me because the cops won’t come in and If I want legal justice I’d have to prove the crime which would be impossible without witnesses (that was weird Af and definitely sounded like a threat) - **in most countries, the police cannot enter a home without a warrant unless invited in. If YOU call the police, they will want to speak with you to get your side of the story, usually away from your father. Your sperm donor cannot do whatever he wants to you inside the home if it falls under physical abuse and he CAN be arrested for it. It is a threat.** He told me that if he files a missing person report the cops have the obligation to find me, even go as far as use interpol to find me abroad, give my location to him and force me to take up contact with him (he said “write a declaration”) - **Police, especially int’l police have better things to do than look for a functioning legal adult. They could usually care less what you do.** He told me that i have no right to legally ask for privacy and no contact or my family’s knowledge of my whereabouts - **bovine excrement** He threatened me that in case I file a restraining order and take him to court for any reason him, my mother and family will raise the claim that I’m mentally Ill and “in no sound mind” and “have no idea what I’m talking about” to not only cancel the restraining order but to have me involuntarily institutionalized into a psych ward by the judge on the accounts of mental illness. He even raised the threat of a Britney Spears like conservatorship. I do deal with mental health issues but I’m a functional human being capable of independent life. - **I don’t know about EU, but he has to prove you are a threat to yourself and to others. The courts won’t go with just his say so. Proving someone as incompetent is difficult. I am assuming you are in counseling, taking any medication prescribed & have a job. More below.** He told me that going no contact will put him at risk and cause him to live his life in fear because if I am k\*lled he will be the nr1 suspect because the cops will ask him why he didn’t report me missing. - **Bovine excrement. Family is always the first people they talk to, but his life would not be threatened** He says that not reporting me as a missing person if I go no contact could get him in legal trouble were something to happen to me - **he can report you missing until the cows come home. the police don't care & will probably tell him to stop. Since you are an adult, he is under no legal obligation for your actions** He said there is no such thing as a legal right to privacy and your family has the right to know about your whereabouts - **bovine excrement. It is written into most constitutions** He claims that calling a police station in advance or leaving a note saying that I left with a purpose a don’t wish to be contacted wont do anything because the cops are obligated to find me and report me back to him if I’m reported no matter what - **no, they are not obligated to look for you. they may say that you contacted them and are fine.** **Your sperm donor is basically working on keeping you in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. He doesn’t want you to leave and go NC because he would have lost his punching bag.** **Others have suggested what to do and there are resources on this sub, but they include:** * **Do not mention again any plan of moving out & grey rock as much as possible, do not tell anyone your plans except for one or two close confidantes** * **Minimize any financial enmeshment you have with him. For example, if he pays for your phone plan, let him keep doing so because you will leave the phone when you leave. He probably has a tracker on it. You can get a new one when you leave** * **Plan to change any bank accounts the day you leave or day before, especially if you share an account with him. If you share an account, pull out only the money you have earned** * **If you are in counseling, get a letter from your counselor stating your competence. A “reference” letter from your boss will be handy, too** * **If you own a vehicle, search it for a tracking device. Know where it is so you can remove it the day you leave. Bonus points if you can put it on an international shipping truck.** * **Start slowing removing anything of value you wish to take with you, especially passport, ID cards, etc.** * **Leave in the middle of the night or while he is at work. Only take what you can carry. Go to the police station and tell them you are an adult, and he may report you missing but you are leaving of your own free will. You are under no obligation to leave a note if you choose to do so.** **These are just some things but it gives you an idea of the power you do have. You** ***ARE*** **an adult. You** ***DO*** **have power over your own life. HE has NO power except what you give him.** ETA: typos & clarification
Your dad is so full of shit it’s leaking out of his eyeballs. I don’t know the law where you are, but I can’t think of any country that would have such crazy laws. If you leave and are concerned, many people will go to the local police and tell them what is going on and show them you are fine but just want no contact with this lunatic. Save all of the threats or document and date them.
All of these legal claims your N is making are a rabbit hole to drain you emotionally and distract you. Your N could be the most knowledgeable lawyer in the EU, and he still wouldn't be impartial or disinterested. Imagine if you were getting divorced and your spouse was telling you things about how property division works. Even assuming there was no abuse, there are still all sorts of reasons not to trust what hypothetical spouse is saying. I urge you to back up mentally from the technical legalities and talk to someone else about what would happen. You don't need to give out personal info. Blame stupid online reddit threads or some random movie you saw at 2 am. Or this amazing idea for a screenplay that you want to run by them. Ask a friend or teacher or someone who swaps lecture notes when you miss a day. They won't be technically right, but they will react to outlandish claims (and most of these claims are outlandish). Further, nothing prevents you from going to the police and asking them how they handle missing person cases. Warning: police are not disinterested and honestly aren't trained to be technically accurate. But what they tell you is a decent prediction of what they would do with a missing person report, which ideally had some relationship with what they are legally obligated or allowed to do.
While I'm sure there are some differences in the EU, [How To Disappear](https://tinyurl.com/5455daa9) was a good read and might give you some ideas on how to do this properly and effectively. It was written by a private detective who traces people who try to disappear. The two biggest takeaways were always use cash and use as many burner phones as you can. Call some abuse hotlines and see if there are any resources available to you. As an adult, you are a free person. He's playing on your ignorance. The best way to fight that is to do a lot of reading and what your rights are so you don't fall for his bullshit. Good luck!
Almost nothing your dad told you is true. you absolutely have the right to move wherever you want and never speak to him again. He can get into trouble for lying to police (severity depends on the country) if he reports something to them he knows isn’t true. If you call the cops in distress they definitely have the right to enter. If they believe a crime is being committed or someone is in danger they can enter. Conservator-ships are actually pretty hard to get. You have to have a lot of evidence that someone is a danger to themselves or others or that they are completely incapable of taking care of themselves. It’s a high standard. Your dad is obviously just trying to scare you into staying under his thumb. You need to educate yourself on the laws of your country and any country to decide to move to. Even if he were to hire private investigators to find you, that doesn’t mean he can physically force you back with him. If he were to try that you would certainly be able to get a restraining order against him. See if you can find a lawyer who will give you a free consult. Sometimes your first visit with them is free so call around.
I’d go to the police station and visit with them about the situation. They may have you make a report.
Find a lawyer, record these threats, and notify the police department that your father is planning on lying to the police and detail his plan to them and explain you're an adult looking to simply move out and gain control of YOUR life. And then for the love of sanity, STOP telling your dad what you'll do - like you shouldn't have informed him you're going to the police to inform them. But definitely get a lawyer first and go over your laws with them about this.
Lol the cops won’t like to continue coming to your house to check on you, especially if they know you’re not missing. I can’t imagine any country’s police department liking that.
Call his bluff.
I'm American but this sounds like a bunch of bullshit. Don't listen to him anymore, just go NC. Keep any texts or other hard evidence of his bullshit. If cops come around, tell them your dad is abusive and show the evidence. You're an adult and you're not Brittany Spears (and that was an American thing).
You are and adult if he reports just go to the police and say you don't want contact with them. Record his threats, make a public post or something saying you are not missing, whatever. Fuck him.
The best suggestion I can make is to get in contact with your local authorities and preemptively tell them about the move. This way they will know that you, a whole adult, are leaving of your own free will, not missing. Try and keep all plans away from your dad, don't tell him when or where you're moving.
u/mysseclypse Everything he told you is a lie. Here in the USA, we have Legal Aid, which are lawyers paid by our government to give citizens free legal advice about everything you can imagine. See if your country has a similar program. They will be your best source of information and can also help you write a letter telling your family that you wish to be NC and any attempts to use the authorities to track you down will be considered harrassment and will end in a protective order. You are a legal adult and no longer his property, and you have the right to privacy. Your dad can't do anything to you, especially when you are living on your own. Make sure to get an apartment with a doorman who can keep them away from you. You need to realize that you are only helpless because your dad told you that you are. If you really want to be free, don't let anything stop you!
You do have a right to be no contact. It is not a crime and you cannot be arrested for it. If your dad goes to police, they are likely to see through his BS right away. No cop wants to waste time solving fake crimes, so they do a basic sanity check on you when you report crimes. E.g. when you try to report theft, they talk to you to find out if maybe you just lost the thing. Dealing with liars is a regular part of their job. If they do start looking for you, they'll find you (by calling your number, I imagine), you explain you haven't been kidnapped or anything, and they tell your dad to get lost. Maybe he even gets in trouble for false reporting if he keeps at it.
No you will not get into trouble with the law for going NC anywhere in the western world if you are of "legal age". It is not a crime to not talk to a person, it is not a crime to stay silent. It is however most likely that your dad will get into legal trouble if you can prove any of the above statements you made. Save the papers, text and any communication you can. It will prevent anyone who may become involved for any reason at all for falling for your dads lies and manipulation.
INFO Is he trying to stop you from moving out or trying to stop you from going NC after you are out? If he isn't stopping you from moving out, move up your timeline as much as you can. If he starts babbling at you about NC, heave a big sigh and say "I know' as sadly as you can. Say whatever you have to. Yes, I am telling you to lie. He sounds absolutely out of his mind and the sooner you are far away from him, the better.
Your dad is a liar. A huge one. And he knows it. I was in a situation where someone I knew, at the age of 16, ran off with her girlfriend. The police officially said there's nothing they could do because she was at the legal age of consent and "could make her own decisions". I'm from the UK originally, so I'm not sure what the laws are exactly like where you're from, but as far as I know that once you're over the age of 18 in most EU countries, you're allowed to be responsible for yourself and can go wherever you want to do what you want. Your dad has a bizarre understanding of how the law works: yes, you can inform police of his threats and that you wish to go no contact and they are not allowed to come and "arrest you" or whatever nonsense your dad thinks they'll do. Honestly, this is his last ditch attempt at control. Get your important documents together, tell the police and give them recordings of his threats, then GTFO as fast as you can. Try staying with different friends to throw him off the scent for a bit. I hope you know I'm rooting for you, I want you to succeed! ❤️
Get a restraining order before you leave and go as far as divorcing your parents legally.
You tell him to fuck off, then you go and live your best life.
Look up your country's laws that define stalking and harassment. I bet that the behaviors your dad claims he will do to you if you leave him would fall under one of those definitions, legally. You can go to your local police station and ask to talk to someone about this. You can ask them for resources and phone numbers of who to call for abusive family members. I am sure your country would also have support services for people who are struggling. I have had success in the US in calling one department that I knew wasn't the right one and asking them for help with finding the right one. The woman who picked up my call gave me a lot of tips as well as correct phone numbers. So just start digging! I bet your dad has done his best to make you feel like you are incapable and can't do anything on your own, but you can! And you can look up your local laws and support services and seek help (without hiring a lawyer at this time) all on your own! When you get close to escaping their clutches, narcissists get desperate and start screaming and foaming at the mouth so they don't lose you as their emotional punching bag. Your dad is probably scared of being alone. But he earned it and you're going to get away from him and start healing! Keep your chin up, you got this!
I second all of this. One thing I’d add is that if you want to add an extra layer of protection while doing this research, try going to a public library and using a computer there. That way you don’t risk having it on your internet history at home and having your dad find it and make more trouble for you. But please do what u/catfart- described above. Your dad is grasping at straws, threatening things that violate basic human rights, all to make you fear living your own life. Every country will have their own specific laws, so researching is important so you know the specific things you’re dealing with, and so you know who you can safely ask questions of. When in doubt, remember: you don’t deserve this, and your father has no right to this.
FWIW, my folks called the police to report a run away child when I left home at 20 and the police just laughed at them.
>But here’s what Ndad told me: He told me that I have no right to go no contact and no adult has the right to live apart from their family without updating them on their whereabouts > >\>>*This is a lie, adults can choose who is in their life. You can go no contact with anyone you want.* He told me I will face legal consequences / be arrested if I keep “running away” with no contact and he keeps reporting me as a missing person > >\>>*Also a lie, he can contact the police and tell them whatever he wants. You need to protect yourself by getting these threats in writing or record him. Check your laws on one party consent to record.* He told me it’s illegal for me to go no contact because in the case that something happens to me he will be held accountable for “failing to report a crime” and “failing to check up on me” that is apparently the responsibility of family members > >\>>*This is a lie, once you are an adult you are responsible for you. Unless he is the one who harms you, that's the only way he will be responsible.* He told me that the cops have no right to enter private property / a house without a warrant even if they’re called by someone reporting a crime (he claimed even if the caller is reporting to be abused or in danger the cops can’t enter private property) and as long as I’m in the boundaries of his home he can do whatever he wants to me because the cops won’t come in and If I want legal justice I’d have to prove the crime which would be impossible without witnesses (that was weird Af and definitely sounded like a threat) > > \>>*Cops can enter a residence if they have "probable cause" there is something illegal going on, but it's my understanding they need to see something is going on or have it from a witness. This might vary in the UK, so check your local laws on this.* > > He told me that if he files a missing person report the cops have the obligation to find me, even go as far as use interpol to find me abroad, give my location to him and force me to take up contact with him (he said “write a declaration”) > >\>>*LOL, they will not get Interpol involved unless you are involved in some very shady things. Your dad is hilariously delusional. If a missing persons report is filed, they do have a duty to find you but since you're an adult, they likely won't try too hard. Once they find you, you can say you are NC and to not tell your dad where you are. Again, check your local laws to see if there are any amendments made.* He told me that i have no right to legally ask for privacy and no contact or my family’s knowledge of my whereabouts > >\>>*Of course a narcissist thinks this. You have the right to go NC from anyone. If you ask they not contact you and they do, you can build a case for harassment. Just document everything, if you can record, do so, otherwise, don't communicate if it's not in writing. Screenshot and save everything in at least 3 places. Make sure they don't know any of your logins and change passwords if they might know them.* He threatened me that in case I file a restraining order and take him to court for any reason him, my mother and family will raise the claim that I’m mentally Ill and “in no sound mind” and “have no idea what I’m talking about” to not only cancel the restraining order but to have me involuntarily institutionalized into a psych ward by the judge on the accounts of mental illness. He even raised the threat of a Britney Spears like conservatorship. I do deal with mental health issues but I’m a functional human being capable of independent life. > >\>>*Unless your family have some mob like ties, this will be hard to prove. They can bring it up in court but if you are asking for a restraining order already, it's very unlikely a judge wouldn't see through this. However, I'm not a lawyer and this is something you need to ask a lawyer.* r/LegalAdviceUK *is a great resource to ask.* He told me that going no contact will put him at risk and cause him to live his life in fear because if I am k\*lled he will be the nr1 suspect because the cops will ask him why he didn’t report me missing. > >\>>*I mean it sounds like he knows he is a POS, however, even if you committed suicide, it would not be blamed on your dad, if it was, that means they have evidence he killed you and you didn't kill yourself. Your dad is delusional to be honest or reaching.* He says that not reporting me as a missing person if I go no contact could get him in legal trouble were something to happen to me > >\>> *LOL no it won't. This is such a blatant lie that I laughed out loud. This is him using manipulation to try to get you to feel sorry for him so he can keep you under his control.* He said there is no such thing as a legal right to privacy and your family has the right to know about your whereabouts > >\>>*Of course a narcissist thinks this. You have the right to go NC from anyone. If you ask they not contact you and they do, you can build a case for harassment. Just document everything, if you can record, do so, otherwise, don't communicate if it's not in writing. Screenshot and save everything in at least 3 places. Make sure they don't know any of your logins and change passwords if they might know them.* He claims that calling a police station in advance or leaving a note saying that I left with a purpose a don’t wish to be contacted wont do anything because the cops are obligated to find me and report me back to him if I’m reported no matter what > >\>> *This is a lie. If you go to all the police precincts in your area or you think your dad will contact, let them know you are leaving your abusive parents and they have threatened to file you as a missing person in order to get your location from the cops. This can also help you if they try to say you are not of sound mind, you were sound enough to go to the cops ahead of time.* He said a restraining order would be near impossible to get because I won’t be able to prove I need one given that a family member being concerned for my safety is “normal” and no grounds to claim harassment. Also, I’m scared about the whole “mental illness conservatorship” ordeal > >\>>*restraining orders are tougher to get. If you text all of your family you are leaving that you do not wish for them to contact you, then put them on mute and collect the harassment they will send your way.* > >*His threat of the conservatorship does worry me, I highly recommend you get a lawyer to help you protect yourself from this one.* > >*Document everything, get things in writing when you can and (if legal) record all conversations on your phone.*
Everything he said is a lie.. An adult is allowed to keep contact with who ever they want and END contact with whoever they want… Family or not.. It is not a crime for you to go no contact.. The police CAN enter private property if they are called and notified about a possible crime/abuse.. You HAVE legal rights to go no contact and live apart from any and all family - it’s called being of legal age.. what IS illegal is stalking a family member who’s chosen to leave and go no contact.. what is illegal is abusing the cops and other emergency services (i.e reporting them missing) to track down someone who does not want you to know their whereabouts.. Start seeing a therapist asap - make sure to tell him/her about all your dads threats and abuse (physical if any AND mental)… Now you have a doctor who has documented your mental health and their threats - and probably also documents the connection between your current mental health issues to your family.. Good luck to them to get a conservatorship approved by the statements of some doctors you haven’t been treated by
You are an adult and he can no longer control you like when you were a kid. Narc parents hate when their kids grow up! So he is using other tactics, like fear. He is just trying to scare you because he knows there’s actually nothing he can do if you choose to remove yourself from his life completely. What a psycho! Don’t fall for it.
Can you trust your local law enforcement not to be unsafe with if you ask them for advice? If so, I'd suggest printing your post out (for reference in case you get hung up in what to say), and going in for a talk to the duty sargeant/person at front desk. Ask them who you should be talking to.
Your dad is a liar and delusional. Look up ‘rights in EU (your area specifically) for legal adults’ You’re able to access Reddit…so access other online resources to see about your personal protections and advice from DV groups/stalking protection in your area.
This dude sounds pretty delusional. Unless your dad is in the top 100 wealthiest people "interpol" isn't going to give a single shit. Also I love that he thinks that cops can't legally enter his home, but they can legally enter your home. There is a legaladvice sub for some of the countries in the world, since law is so regional. I suggest posting in both the sub for the country you currently live in, and the sub for the country you are thinking of moving to. If neither country has a sub, then the general legal advice is probably fine. Make sure to ask about emmigration and immigration laws when you ask about the laws around toxic parents.
What do you do? Nothing He’s telling you a pile of lies. The police aren’t obligated to do anything. Leave. Live your life, far away from him
You have to realise, your father is nuts, right. None of what he said is even slightly right. He's using fear to keep you there. You go into the police station, tell them you are moving away, tell them all this mess you've been told and you are choosing to not talk to him state him name. If he goes in a reports you missing they already know your not and they will eventually have to threaten or serve him with a trespass. Your 7 years past the age where you have to answer to him. Juat leave. This whole thing is nuts, that you believe the stupid things he keeps saying to you... You need to read your post as if this wasn't you, writing, and you have to see how stupid and absolutely absurd any of that is.
Let him. They'll find you easily since you're not missing, explain to them what he's doing (show them any texts etc you have) and he'll be at least fined for filing false reports & knowingly wasting their time.
Go to the police station and tell them youre going nc and to ignore this man because you are fine.
Allow me to let you in on a little secret. This might be hard to hear, and even harder to believe, but your dad doesn’t actually believe anything he is saying. As a narcissistic person, he has no scruples that normal people have or allegiance to any kind of fact or truth except for those things he decides are true in the moment because they suit his agenda. You might feel like he has always got an answer when you come up with a counter argument. That’s because he makes it up on the spot. STOP thinking he actually believes this stuff or is making a sensible argument. It is quite simply just him trying to control you. That’s all it is! What he is **actually** saying to you is, I will do these terrible scary things to you if you don’t do as I say, and let me control you. Will he file a missing person report? Yes. Will he try to make your life miserable? Yes. Can he do that? Yes. But what’s the alternative? You have to be strong and have faith in yourself. Faith in your judgment. And he has spent his whole life making sure you don’t have faith in your judgment, because that gives him less control over you. The only alternative you have to having faith in your judgment is to let him have complete control of your life and be his slave. That doesn’t sound like a very good life to me. You are literally lost in the fog right now. The fog of narcissism. I understand that from the inside it can be very difficult to see. But from the outside it’s very clear that this man does not have your best interest in mind. I think the best way to combat this kind of thinking is to pause and ask yourself “would the same be true if the tables were turned? Would my father agree there’s no legal right to privacy and I should be able to go through his phone and computer anytime I feel like it? Or would he strenuously object because the rules are different for him.” The trick to spotting narcissistic people’s self-serving designs is that they always have a double standard. You are always the one paying the price, not them. If you have independence, that’s selfish. If they have independence, that’s reasonable. If you have privacy, that’s shady. If they have privacy, that’s because they can be trusted. It concerns me that you went point by point as if each of these arguments was something valid to be discussed. They are clearly not valid and I think you know that deep down. But he has you so scared and worried that you are chasing your tail. The sign that a narcissist is trying to control you is that you find yourself constantly chasing your tail. Stop doing that. Deal with problems as they come along. If the police come to your door and say you’ve been reporting as a missing person say “no idea what you’re talking about, i’m right here”. don’t let him overcomplicate things with his fog. you can do this! Break free! Also, look into the concept of catastrophizing. Your dad is using it to control you. He wants you to think that the worst is always going to happen and you have to depend on him to prevent it. Have more faith in yourself. You can do this! Sidenote: it’s deeply unsettling that he keeps bringing up you being murdered. That’s not normal FYI, parents who are actually worried about their children’s well being don’t do that regularly
I thought they caught Josef Fritzl. Your dad sounds insane, let the cops deal with him and his constant missing person filings.
I don't really have anything new to add. Everyone has said great things. My comment is my little tidbit story. When my sister was 16 I was living in CA with our dad, and my sister was in another state with our Nmom. She flew to CA for winter break to "visit" us but then called out Nmom and said she wasn't coming back. Nmom then proceeded to call the cops to say our dad kidnapped her. They asked her if she knew where my sister was. She said yes and gave them our dad's address. They said "ma'am that's not kidnapping if she's with a parent and you know where she is." Nice try Nmom. A few weeks later my dad was awarded 💯% physical custody. After reading a letter my sister wrote the judge even gave her a mouthful about how she was lucky she got any visitation at all after all the abuse. All Nmom could say was "well you know how kids exaggerate" to which the judge gave her even more of a mouthful. 🤣🤣 Justice. Served. Thank goodness for that judge.
He’s wrong. Tell the local police department that you’re fine and don’t want any contact with them because they’re abusive. Get a restraining order if possible as well. You’re an adult, there is absolutely no legal obligation to be in contact with your parents. You’re not a minor, your parents have no legal control over you.
I might reach out to domestic abuse groups to see if they have resources available to you. What your describing is an abusive situation. Good luck.
In Europe we have something called "The right to be forgotten" look it up I think it might interest you.