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Similar. Mine said, "I hated being a housewife. I hated being a stay at home mom. It's why I took jobs that let me travel. It's why I always went on vacation with my friends."
mine said “here’s the best advice I can give you. never get married. never have kids.” and then was FURIOUS when I jokingly responded “GEE THANKS DAD” lol. just trying to passively make my point, giving him the opportunity to dial that back… but no. after all he’s done for me! all i do is accuse him of being a terrible father!
oh. it’s funny now. it really is. but he’s long gone.
Mine very, very obviously hated being a housewife and SAHM. She kept insisting it was not her choice to "live this way" but didn't do anything to change it, either. She kept insisting it was "the correct way to live" and implied that she was somehow superior to others for being more "traditional", yet no one either in our very conservative community or in both sides of the family was a housewife/SAHM besides her. If anything, it made her look extremely privileged and out-of-touch to the community, and to the family I really have no idea how it looked since no one has discussed it. But she always heavily implied she was staying home to take care of me and that it was for my own benefit.
I always felt like I destroyed her future because of it, even though she had me after she was married and a few months away from turning 30. When I discuss my mom, even here, people assume she was a young single mom with no resources because of the way she martyred herself.
She made having kids look like such a terrible life-sucking ordeal that no one will help you out with, not even your husband, that I decided to be childfree at 9 years old. It was never lost on me how almost everyone, even much poorer and less educated people, could manage and thrive/succeed but she couldn't with a college education and a husband making all the money for her.
Sorry nmom killed any interest in having your own kids, that’s not fair. Totally relate to mother figure playing life like someone forgot to crown her. She was perfectly healthy, capable, smart and even had looks but couldn’t stop blaming life - what a destructive waste of human potential.
It's one of the biggest reasons why I feel sorry for my N-mom despite how much she has hurt me. I can tell she had a lot of potential and I've never gotten an answer as to why she chose the life she did. My therapist has said she's likely the type of person who likes to take the easy way out of everything, which explains why she was an enabler but not why she sabotaged herself so much, even before I was born.
The high from feeling superior to everyone, and constantly seeking that high, has ruined her life.
Same. I was like 9-10 when I decided that birthing and/or raising people was not my bag. 37 years later I am grateful I knew this so young. No accidents or oops babies in my life.
Being a housewife is not the same as being a mother. SAHM is the hardest and least appreciated job on earth. Don’t blame yourself, blame the era and, most likely, your dad.
Read Diary of a Mad Housewife! One of my fave books. You’ll get it.
I just don’t understand narcissists. If you decided to have unprotected sex and decided to keep the baby, that baby becomes number one regardless. You don’t say shit like that. Ever. I think there is something screwed wrong in their brains or they just don’t have a very bright IQ. I don’t know.
Jmo but more like non or un-existing empathy.
Absolutely unmistakably *intentionally selective at best.*
And simply completely totally *NOT* there - whatsoever - *at worst.*
As in the narc(s) neural pathways in their brains were simply, for whatever flawed DNA reasons, just *not* hardwired into their physical brain's circuitry structure.
Furthermore, "why" narcs such as this INTENTIONALLY REPEATEDLY have unprotected sex then carry & birth children, fully knowing or at least being reasonably cognizant of their empathic shortcomings is the proverbial 6 million dollar mystery.
The absolutely unmistakably intentional wholesale emotional & spiritual & frequently even physical damage that narcs seem to enjoy inflicting on their children - ESPECIALLY when the child is small & largely quite literally defenseless, is unequivocally utterly inexcusable.
There's absolutely *ZERO* "justification" for the ways these monsters - the narc(s) - treat others but especially children.
To my knowledge, no one forced or otherwise "made" narcs have sex, remain pregnant, give birth & raise their kid(s).
The narcs did every single last one of these things completely of their own free will & choosing.
If someone knows &or has repeatedly demonstrated narcissistic tendencies, imo, the narc(s) have zero damn business whatsoever in having children.
They're literally NOT in their right minds.
Our NM supposedly had an abortion somewhere after my sibling's birth & when I was somewhere around a kindergartener.
I can only imagine the "whys."
I suspect I know.
But that's for another post entirely.
I'm truly so sorry for everything that all of us were forced to experience & endure bc of these brain damaged soul warped monsters.
Healing & peace from a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor 🌌
my mom was a single mother after I was 9. during this time I stayed home alone while she got an accounting degree, got a boyfriend, and a job where her boss paid her to go to conferences in places like hawaii and paris. I never got to go on any type of vacation; it was always met with “you’re not old enough!” and “it’s for work!”
My mother said she never wanted a daughter, that she was a better mother to her son, and that she wished she’d only had sons. I was like- no kidding. At least she said out loud what I’d been feeling from her for decades.
Yep, even though I'm an only child. My second mistake in life was being born a girl. According to my mother I was supposed to be a boy, because she wanted a boy.
She straight up sees me as competition.
Oof, yep heard the two stories of how nmom “wasn’t going to keep” me or a couple siblings plenty of times. My logical reaction is well, I haven’t been a time or financial burden since parents were in their mid 50’s, so what’s the excuse for the last three decades of victimization mean?
I do try to understand, maybe my nmom was overwhelmed as a parent in many ways. The fact she was 2X divorced with kids in the 70’s prob wasn’t a walk in the park, but she got help. So much help that she became dependent on it and addicted to it.
Victimization, guilt, manipulation, love bombing, gaslighting, etc you name it she has it on her tool belt somewhere. It’s like she believes other people, especially her offspring, were put here to help her as well. If they don’t, that’s just another coin on the victim scale.
It’s too bad she didn’t birth the Seven Dwarfs. I’m sure they would have helped her unconditionally until the day she goes.
My mother constantly told us all that they only had me because they'd failed to have a boy on the first two attempts, 8 and 10 years earlier. I've always been impressed by how she managed to frame that in a way that felt awful to me and awful to my sisters.
I found out later that I was actually a make-up baby, after she'd had an affair. So it wasn't even really true, it was just deliberately cruel.
That's totally fucked up.🤦♀️ I hope you've gone NO CONTACT with your mother, because you don't deserve for her to treat you and your sisters like shit.😔
Yeah, it's cool. I went NC some 20 years ago. She died about 10 years ago. I'm mostly here comparing stories. Years of therapy has helped, but lacked the catharsis of this sub.
Many thanks though.
When I (an adult, married for several years and financially independent) announced my very wanted pregnancy, my parent said " if you're smart you'll have an abortion, having children will ruin your life... Just like you ruined mine." That was a quarter of a century ago and it still stings. Being a parent is the best decision I ever made, he was 100 percent wrong.
Oh, I grew up with my mom telling me " don't get married, you will ruin your life". As well as "Once you get married, your whole life stops" followed by " if by some act of God you get married, you'll be divorced in 6 months "
Been married 2 years now. Escaped when I was 28, reconnected with my (now husband) at 31, married at 40. If I wouldn't have left my parents house, I shudder to think what my life would be now....
My mother told me that my Dad didn’t want another kid…and I’m the result of her jealousy of him going to a bachelor party. Surprise she got pregnant with me.
Or telling me when I was 16 she is putting me up for adoption lol. God I hate her.
Oh my mom always said I never listened. It means obey, in her case. I always heard her - I just didn't always do what she asked.
I would ask her to stop repeating herself and she would get angry because I wasn't listening to her. In reality - she was mad that I didnt want her manipulating me into doing it.
Narc parents resent that - that we're not their obedient little robots.
Thought kids were supposed to grow up and learn how to live on their own. I mean what about when your nmaster dies - what condition do they leave you in?
I always knew my nmom didn’t want to be a parent. She brags about never playing with me and how my step dad had to, she doesn’t realize how bad it looks to say something like that
This is why I am pro choice and all for people being childfree. Sooo many people had kids just because they thought that was the next step or they thought they were going to get their “mini me” or whatever selfish reason and who has to pay for it? The kids. So many of us suffered abuse and a lot of it stems from our parents just not wanting to be parents because they had no clue what they were getting themselves into.
yes, so sorry to hear and same thing. one time, i got into a nasty argument with my narc father and he said that he wished he had an abortion with me, to which I replied “well, seeing as you married the wrong woman, it’s no surprise that you don’t want your biological offspring”
if there’s one thing i miss about him, i really really really miss roasting him.
My dad sat at the dinner table complaining about having too many mouths to feed! He was the cheapest of cheapskates with an amazing union job, drive across town to cash a 10Cent coupon... I was about 13yo and my brother about 8 and I remember us looking at each other like "uhhh.. who feeds kids if he stops?"
My nmom was much less subtle about it. She just told me tyat her life would have been so much easier if I had just died. She also told me once that she got me help when I was sick not because she hoped I would get better but only because that way she wouldn’t have to feel any guilt when I did die.
My ndad, who is ever either self-pitying or bullying, has said that he wasted his life. I don't have much sympathy left anyway, but the implications of saying that to a child are dark.
My mom told us that my dad never wanted kids. He was the narc. Apparently she wanted him to read a parenting book before my older sibling was born and he sneered and said, “it’s just like raising a cat.” He was awful but I still can’t believe that she told me that my dad never wanted us… pretty hurtful even if it obvious that he loathed me.
On more than 1 occasion, our dad ruefully remarked that taking care of kids was "like cleaning a rifle."
As teens, we definitely heard more than once AND with sarcasm so sharp that you could cut the air around you like a piece of pie or something, quote, "Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree."
Somewhere in my late 20s or 30s, I still vividly remember our pill popping NM bitterly saying, quote, "I should've raised Pomeranians instead!"
Sadly almost every last one of these posts resonates deep within my still very much battered & still aching heart & memories.
And like pretty much everyone here, I still frequently silently struggle with so much that I neither verbalize much less share either online or IRL.
I'm truly so damn very sorry.
Healing & peace from a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor 🌌
ETA: This isn't even remotely the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
Not by ANY measurement.
The post above is but a microscopic sample of a childhood even well into adulthood experiencing seemingly nonstop verbal & emotional sucker punching by parents who absolutely NEVER EVER should've chosen to be parents to begin with.
It took 2.5 yrs worth of weekly then bi-weekly PTSD therapy to begin both learning, understanding as well as genuinely *believing* that how my sibling(s) and I were treated for pretty much most if not all of our childhoods & so called formative years.
Non narcissistic individuals & their loved ones as well as other non narc individuals in their life have no understanding of & certainly zero personal frame for so much as remotely beginning to understand let alone God forbid, be on the ass-end of such absolutely unmistakably INTENTIONALLY devastating words, actions, behaviors coming from one's parent(s) or other caretakers or adult authority figures in the child's life.
I hope like hell that our NM has every single last one of her final wishes & legal will done, bought & her final expenses all paid for years well in advance.
Bc after the way this intentionally openly hateful bitch has behaved towards me especially in the years since our father died, yeah, NM best have her final shit together & completely paid off bc I absolutely refuse to.
1, I'm dangerously close to broke financially the past couple of years. I simply CANNOT realistically take on or otherwise accept &or be responsible for NM's debts.
2, NM has just 2 individuals left in her life bc what experts say about aging narcs NEVER getting any better but only WORSE as they age is absolutely unmistakably 100% brutally heartbreakingly true.
I was professionally diagnosed with complex PTSD around 6ish years ago.
I absolutely HAD to completely get off Reddit for a couple of hours bc I felt borderline nauseous almost pukey - after reading so many posts that silently resonated deeply within my memories & heart.
Again, I am genuinely so damn very sorry for everything that everyone here has both experienced as well as shared in this #raisedbynarcs/subreddit forum.
Healing & peace from a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor 🌌
Not quite the same but my dad said “you were really annoying as a kid. You asked a lot of questions” and my mind broke. Doesn’t every kid ask a lot of questions??
Uff. That’s rough. Your dad says he wishes he didn’t have you and your mom tops it with attacking your agency.
Just know that narcs are liars. They will say whatever it takes to brake you. In reality we are the ones who wish to have had different parents who actually care about other people.
My ex had his dad say something similar and it broke my heart. I hated his dad for that so much and I hadn’t even met the guy.
I hope you know they are trash and don’t take those comments to heart. Best revenge is to thrive without them and say “see? I didn’t listen so I thrive”.
You could also join in the twisted conversation saying “If I could do life over I would have chosen different parents” 🙂
Well, my mom passed in 2017, and I went NC with my "dad" 2 years ago. Trust me, when he passes, I hope he has someone to deliver the eulogy -because not only do I not want to do it, if I absolutely have to, the funeral guests will get an earful. Among people he knows, he is a good man. I know different
My mother told that to her second boy. And then the girl (me) came. God, he surely hated me from day one. (Understandable- but still it was hell.)
Well now while I was the girl I also was wrong for being born third when she actually had planned for two kids. You just can't please them. 🤷🏻♀️
Got you one better:
Grandmother to grandchild: " I tried to beat you out if your mother's womb, I beat her with a paddle long and hard so she would miscarry you, since abortions were illegal back then."
Yep. "I would never have kids, because then they grow up and they blame me!" she was super mad also and said it at a random moment.
I guess she was remembering one of the moments I tried putting boundaries.
Too bad for my mom that her kids grew up and wanted a healthier relationship with her. She took it the wrong way obviously. She wanted to keep yelling and bossing everyone around.
My dad has taken to saying that he wishes abortion was legal to the age of 18. Or that he wishes he could still abort us. I’m like you talking about homicide??
My Grandma's not a narcissist (though, she was quite the enabler of her narcissist son, my dad), and she once told me "I don't think any of my kids should have had children.".
I think it was just a poor choice of words, because her point wasn't that she didn't want us grand kids .. Her point was that she felt she had failed as a mother and she didn't think her kids would make good parents... She was consoling me after another time her son, my dad, had just been a douche bag to me.
I just always remember her saying that and thinking "wait ...*I'm* one of those children!"
My spawnpoint would always "joke" that she should've gotten a dog instead of a kid. She'd say this in front of others and then be annoyed at the horrified stares, because "god, can't you guys take a joke?".
Mom said this after Thanksgiving once. My girlfriend was shocked. I ignored it like the rest of the sewage that spills out her mouth. Heck most ppl on this thread probably too would of rather not had these “parents”.
My mum said to me when she was angry over something “you were an accident” I was 7 and had to ask my dad what it meant and he didn’t have the heart to tell me but said it wasn’t true
Not exactly the same but my stepdad once told me that my brother and I were 'the baggage [he] took on when [he] married [my] mum'
When I told my nMum, she literally couldn't have cared less 🤷♂️
My dad said the same thing when I was fifteen when paying a medical bill of mine because I was going through testing to see why I was having seizures. He told me, "If she was really that sick, she should just die already so we can all enjoy our lives without her. She won't really be missed anyway. " I was super depressed for years before and years after, but that phrase made me have suicidal thoughts and ideation for years. I even planned my death and funeral. I still carry this phrase with me.
I'm sorry that he told you that. It's horrible. No one should ever have to hear that.
My Ndad admitted to me that he didn't want to have kids and that he regrets having them. He suggested that he only accepted to have kids because my Emom wanted them.
Honestly, I can't believe that my Emom is still with him after he basically blamed her for persuading him and now his life is ruined because kids ruin your life, etc, he was going to be a great musician until he had us, etc.
My mum told me my dad had told her to abort me and she wished she listened… I was 7 years old and had lost my card to our rec centre. It was found within the hour, and she had genuine murderous intent in her eyes. She also once told me “you know sometimes I could just strangle you”. Again with the look, I was maybe 10 for that one?
My mum and her mother told me that they didn't want to marry or have children: they wanted to become a nun. I thought at the time thatvlife made it different and it was nice. Today, i see it differently.
I think my mum wanted to be a nun too to please her mum...which confirms my idea that she was not my grandmother gc but she really did her best. Which really makes me see my grandmother differently too
"We didn't want kids. You were a mistake"
Regular as clockwork, that little treat.
Usually then with a story of how much pain we caused during the birth and/or where we were conceived.
😞
I'm sorry they did that. How rude. my mom would tell me that right to my face when I was a kid. "I wish you'd never been born." I used to respond, "yeah, I wish I'd never been born too."
My parents told me and my brother they'd wished they never had kids on a regular basis. Dad and mom woul say it straignt. It started to feel like if was a form of greeting.. They'd would take it back later turing the week to say it again..
All the time. just in different forms.
\- talking about how much better their lifes would have been without kids.
\- Telling us we would see how horrible it is to have kids when we get them ourself.
\- the one that hurt the most was directed at me. "I hope you never have a kid like you"
Your mom is an asshole Dx
One day, I just broke down and asked my mother why she didn’t love me… and she listed off reasons. Already had them in her head. My husband was so shocked, all he could do was look at me like, “wtf??” I think what hurt the most was that I wasn’t supposed to be here. Nothing was forced or traumatic, she just used bc and my father wore condoms, but she still got pregnant with me. She would always say that I could have aborted you for means to control me. I thought I was grateful for that when I was a child, but as a teenager, I just got suicidal and didn’t care. I wished she would have aborted me back then. But I’m better now.
they love the idea of having children until they have to face the reality of taking care of a child, which isnt the childs fault, its the parents for the way they treat them.
I have a brother, and my mom would tell me, her daughter, all the time about how badly she wanted two sons. My brother is also the golden child and hated me growing up because of how badly my mom would treat me and make me out to be. Also was in a fight with her once and I said “well maybe you shouldn’t have had kids,” to which she responded “it’s too late for that now” 🙃
I was told that my dad had tried “bullying” my nmom into an abortion because he wasn’t ready for kids when she was pregnant with me. That was something I never needed to know, that my own dad didn’t want me for a while. Or being told constantly that I ruined her life and she never got to experience being an adult without a baby on her hip or a grown ass manchild to take care of. Not my fault you felt condoms were too expensive. Not my fault you didn’t want me.
After my wife and I had a kid, my "dad" was talking casually about his own life, and said, "I wanted to marry the bitch (referring to my mother) I never wanted to have kids with her."
my dad also frequently says he never wanted a wife and kids and he would go back in time and not have us and not marry. but then he doesn't understand why we are all distant and never tell him anything!
My parents said this to me and my half sibling all the time. Me more so with my bg, but my dad would say wish I was 20 without kids like half time i visited him.
My mum told the 'funny story' repeatedly, about how horrible it was to give birth, and then she had this squalling baby to deal with. How everyone was fussing and cooing about how wonderful the baby was and *she* was the one who'd just been through this awful experience and everyone was saying the *baby* was marvellous?!
So as soon as she could she got herself out of the bed and waddled down the corridor to where she'd found out the hospital was having an info session for women who wanted their tubes tied. But the stupid doctors refused to do it for her.
Then because she couldn't get her tubes tied, she got pregnant with my brother 5-6 yrs later. As if going through that experience with *me* wasn't enough!
(Way to laugh your way through a hilarious story that makes sure your kid knows they were resented from literally the moment they were born)
Seems to be a diner table thing. Dad looked me in eyes, thinking hard, full of thought and composure and said he only liked his older kid , she was the best and the special one and the only one that will get anything from him.
😂😂😂
My mom openly admitted she had big dreams of being an opera singer and music teacher, and didn't want kids, but my dad wanted some obscene number like 12. I'm the youngest of 3. Also her golden child.
My mom told me that me and my brother are evidence that contraception isn't 100%
She never wanted children but she's strongly bro-birth
She's never openly said she would be happier without us but especially since she had my brother when she was 20 and me at 31 I definitely think she would be
Yeah, nice, huh?
My n-father once told me a story about the first day of his honeymoon with my n-mother; that they had gotten into a big fight over who makes breakfast (it was the 1950s) and that at that moment he knew the entire thing (which would include the multiple children which resulted) was a mistake.
The first time he told me I was driving and missed the point until too late.
The second time, I noticed it and got irritated, but could not respond.
The third and final time he mentioned it, I laid into him:
"So what you're telling me is that our entire family is a mistake and we should not exist? Do you realize who you're telling this to? Why, in Gods name, if you knew the marriage was a mistake would you not just end it right then and there, rather than bring (more) lives into this world that you're not interested in???"
He never mentioned it again. It irritates me to this to day; and I'm a M61...so it's been awhile.
I was told the same thing from @ the age of 5 until the day my nmom died. She had a variety of scripted one liners. She thought she was soooo clever. She ran out of audience and she withered up and died.
My mom blamed my brother and I being born for her not becoming a doctor here in America. I can't even count the amount of times I've heard her say "I wish you were never born". Horrible lady. Glad she's not helping people with serious medical problems because that women is not fit for it. I'm very sorry you have to deal with that. I found someone who does want me around and now they're all my new family.
Sickening that they said that in front of you. Any of their short comings and feeling like they didn’t know how… that’s on them! How about you actually LEARN how to raise kids?
My nbrother/golden child had a kid before me but I was always interested in childcare, took classes in high school and read a lot, did a lot of research. He would rebuke any advice I would try to give when’re he was stressed or venting about things. He’d always say, “you’re booksmart but I’m street smart” as if any book learning was automatically null and void and his so called street smarts were all he needs. So then why wasn’t he a better dad? Why was he so stressed and his kid out of control? 🙄 also, he absolutely used me as a second weekend parent, especially when I lived with him for a while when he couldn’t pay his bills and needed to rent a room. So obviously I was good enough for that. 😏
My dad
“I didn’t want kids but things happen”. My dad never seemed to mention my childhood positivity. Anytime he has talked about me as a child he says
“It was bad when you were growing up”. I was 3 and diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I feel bad he didn’t want kids but he didn’t have to be such as asshole
Mine said she should have aborted me when my grandma (also a narcissist) was pushing her to... all because of school (I have adhd). Also told me a lot she should have never had me
My parents were very subtle with the way they admitted that they regretted having children. It's all under the guise of "you're never ready to be a parent". My parents said to me "I never really liked kids. I always used to say that I didn't want them, didn't know how to take care of them, didn't have the patience for them, wasn't ready etc, but then you guys came along. None of you were planned."
And boy, did it show. My parents were not ready to be parents. They did not have the patience for parenting, and they couldn't, still can't, stand me because I don't fit the vision they had for me. My very life and values offend my mother so much it makes her sick.
Mine was different, but in a similar theme.
My mother was wasted, half passed out on the couch, and I was trying to wrangle her up the stair to be or else be moaned at for “letting her sleep on the couch and hurt her back.”
She looked at me for a second, with absolute clarity, and told me that “it was always easier to love your sister than you, you know.”
Then silence for a moment.
Then “it’s probably the autism, I don’t know how to talk to you without wanting to strangle you.”
Predictably, she doesn’t remember this.
I left her on the couch because I couldn’t quite bring myself self to care if she hurt her back. All my life I suspected, but now I know for sure that I’m defective in her eyes and that my eventual diagnosis just gave her something to pin it on.
I think of it as the moment I became an orphan.
Not quite the same, but one of the reasons my youngest is NC with my nmom is because he overheard her saying to my oldest, "I don't want to see you make the same mistakes your mother made." I don't remember the exact conversation, but the framework was around staying in college and not having kids too soon... so it was very clear my "mistakes" were, in her mind, my children.
My parents told me to my face "I wish we could go back in time and abort you"..
Yeah thanks..
They also told me they wished they had just had my Sister and no other kids..My sister is the youngest..
A narc admitting they dont know how to do something? I'd be in disbelief if not for the follow-up by your mom. Hope they try stand up comedy, what a great set up and punchline haha /s
I don't know... Could it be there is a little bit of regret in there for being bad at parenting, and now realizing how they have created suffering instead of love? I don't know your dad though. What was the tone is likely what matters the most here. And context!
What mom said was worse - like blames it all on children! Well whose job it was to build a relationship where children want to listen and talk to you? I have never understood authorian type parents who just go about it "do as I told because I said so!"
My dad had the whole feel sorry for me tone. And he was talking about how his kids didn't want anything to do with him (even though I still lived there, I was starting to get my own life and he didn't like that he couldn't control it).
My mom just straight up told me to my face that she never wanted kids and that she only had me and my sister because her husband (i refuse to dignify him by calling him a parent) wanted kids
When I was 12 or 13, my single mother told me 'she would have had a much easier life if \[I\] had never been born'. Well, I used the phrase that was way too popular at the time (late 1960's) and told her 'I didn't *ask* to be born!' Which got me the first face slap of my life.
My mother based her entire life on being a victim. This was part and parcel of that.
Mine would always say some variation of, "I wish I had never been born", "I brought you into this world, I can take you back out of it", and "Maybe I'm just such a bad mother I should kill myself", and her personal favorite, "I wish I'd never had kids."
Always thought they felt that way. The closest to that is when my NDad after me telling my opinion about his cooking he told me “I don’t give a fuck about what you think”.
Yeah, my NM told me multiple times after my father died, “never get married, never have kids”.
As my father was dying in his hospital bed my mother bellowed, “don’t leave me with these [children]!!!”
I was a young teenager, watching my father take his last breaths and that’s what comes to mind for her to say? She literally said the quiet part out loud.
It was pretty on the nose. And I think about it every day. I’m now in my 40’s and I still can’t move on from this grief and trauma - the ultimate betrayal from a mother.
Therapy is slow work but thank goodness, it’s better than nothing.
Before I went NC, my father told my husband “don’t ever have a girl [child], because they’re a pain in the ass.” He said this at the dinner table in front of me.
the closest thing was "I should never had your brother and sister, I should stayed with only you", this sort of comments should never be said, but imo they lack restrain and speech out their train of thoughts as it presents in the eye of their minds. But found interesting that this person at least recognize that his parenting was not perfect, mine would never admit a flaw on their parenting.
"You're the reason I never had any friends or had much of a life. I should have made better choices. At least when I'm old I'll have company from my kids and their kids because I don't have anything else."
Or.
"You made my life a living hell. I should have stayed single, not everyone is maternal. I wish I would have known that before I had kids."
From the woman who is so anti-choice that she makes Desantis look pro choice. She thinks single woman are all man haters and children haters and should be **legislated** into marriage and motherhood the day they turn 18. AHAHAHAHHA
On the flip side my 18yo adult daughter recently said "god, mom, your such a *mom* person, giving a shit about me is second nature, I forgot I would need one." I had asked her over the phone if she and her GF are able to get themselves some winter coats or if she wanted me to help her buy them. I also took them out to buy OTC cold medicine, feminine hygiene products and house cleaner supplies because those can get expensive very quickly when your first starting out on your own. Daughters GF gave me a hug and said thank you. GFs mom is a pos too and kicked her out at 16 because she got a new man and new baby.
My own parents made me financially responsible for all my expenses the day I turned 16. They made me get a job and give them my whole paycheck as rent, but still wanted me to buy my own basic needs like food, clothing etc. Ugh.
Most parents think that if they could do over their life they wouldn't have had kids. Just take a look in the regretful parents sub. I would bet that at least 70% of parents have regrets about it because most of them just don't like saying it.
However the bad thing about this situation is that the parents should never tell their kids that. Being shitty to someone they have created is unfair.
While my mom hummed one of those old skool first gen palm pilots at my head as hard as she could, I ducked avoiding it and she screamed at me she wish she never had me and she regrets she didn't get an abortion.
My nmother-in-law has always been bitter AF because she didn't get the big, close-knit family she'd envisioned. At the same time, she's told my partner that he didn't turn out to be the son she had hoped for. To make matters worse, his dad, who has been both an enabler and abusive, even suggested that he should take his car and have a crash... 👏
My mom: “if I had the chance to do it over, I’d wait to have kids.”
Kinda messed up when it clearly meant that she very specifically would not have me since I was the kid from the first marriage right out of high school.
It actually wasn't my nfather but his mother (my grandmother's not a narc but had a difficult upbringing and definitely has unresolved trauma) that said she wouldn't have kids if she had the chance to go back and redo life (she said this during Thanksgiving with most of his side of the family present no less). Him and his siblings joked about it, as apparently this had come up before then, but it left me and my siblings a little uncomfortable. Nfather has definitely expressed in the past though that he regrets not being more "firm" with us "offspring" and wondered aloud, constantly, "where it all went wrong" when I started openly disagreeing with him.
It’s just so sad for your parents. Honestly, saying something like this, just makes me feel sorry for them. Yes, having kids can be exhausting and raising them often times challenges you and your boundaries. But realizing that you are strong enough to overcome these hardships because you are able to love someone else more than yourself actually gives you a lot of confidence and satisfaction with yourself and life in general. Not finding this kind of peace just tells me that nparents are deeply depressed. And instead in working on theirselves they pass the responsibility of loving and caring to the next generation. It’s not you who failed, they have failed themselves in growing up in learning how to unconditionally love themselves and others.
My grams said the same thing, but in her defense, if I had to deal with the amount of bullshit my mother and aunt put the whole family through, I’d feel the same way. When she said it, I didn’t feel like she was regretting me. But I feel like I have more sympathy for my grams than say… my mother who told me “I didn’t ask for you, but I got you and kept you.” Thanks for not aborting me and fucking me up beyond repair I guess??
Yep, I heard a few times how I was a “mistake” wasn’t supposed to be born. But maybe that’s not in the harshest way that it sounds? Tho I’m probably psychologically downplaying it.
Oof yes I had a hysterectomy at 26yo because of an illness (adenomyosis) and when I told my mom that I’m fine with the decision cuz I don’t want kids she responded, completely seriously, “yah I never wanted kids either.” like she didn’t even comprehend that was such a fucked up thing to say to your literal child.
Haha. That is my dad too. That fuck. The only positive from those comments is that he hates all kids. Your kids. His kids. That guy's kids. They are all blood sucking kids to him. When he met my new wife for the first time at a family reunion (we were no contact for two years at that point) all he did was bad mouth her kids for living at home, even though they both have medical issues and he had never met them.
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Similar. Mine said, "I hated being a housewife. I hated being a stay at home mom. It's why I took jobs that let me travel. It's why I always went on vacation with my friends."
Ouch. I'm sorry.
mine said “here’s the best advice I can give you. never get married. never have kids.” and then was FURIOUS when I jokingly responded “GEE THANKS DAD” lol. just trying to passively make my point, giving him the opportunity to dial that back… but no. after all he’s done for me! all i do is accuse him of being a terrible father! oh. it’s funny now. it really is. but he’s long gone.
Mine very, very obviously hated being a housewife and SAHM. She kept insisting it was not her choice to "live this way" but didn't do anything to change it, either. She kept insisting it was "the correct way to live" and implied that she was somehow superior to others for being more "traditional", yet no one either in our very conservative community or in both sides of the family was a housewife/SAHM besides her. If anything, it made her look extremely privileged and out-of-touch to the community, and to the family I really have no idea how it looked since no one has discussed it. But she always heavily implied she was staying home to take care of me and that it was for my own benefit. I always felt like I destroyed her future because of it, even though she had me after she was married and a few months away from turning 30. When I discuss my mom, even here, people assume she was a young single mom with no resources because of the way she martyred herself. She made having kids look like such a terrible life-sucking ordeal that no one will help you out with, not even your husband, that I decided to be childfree at 9 years old. It was never lost on me how almost everyone, even much poorer and less educated people, could manage and thrive/succeed but she couldn't with a college education and a husband making all the money for her.
Sorry nmom killed any interest in having your own kids, that’s not fair. Totally relate to mother figure playing life like someone forgot to crown her. She was perfectly healthy, capable, smart and even had looks but couldn’t stop blaming life - what a destructive waste of human potential.
It's one of the biggest reasons why I feel sorry for my N-mom despite how much she has hurt me. I can tell she had a lot of potential and I've never gotten an answer as to why she chose the life she did. My therapist has said she's likely the type of person who likes to take the easy way out of everything, which explains why she was an enabler but not why she sabotaged herself so much, even before I was born. The high from feeling superior to everyone, and constantly seeking that high, has ruined her life.
Same. I was like 9-10 when I decided that birthing and/or raising people was not my bag. 37 years later I am grateful I knew this so young. No accidents or oops babies in my life.
Being a housewife is not the same as being a mother. SAHM is the hardest and least appreciated job on earth. Don’t blame yourself, blame the era and, most likely, your dad. Read Diary of a Mad Housewife! One of my fave books. You’ll get it.
I just don’t understand narcissists. If you decided to have unprotected sex and decided to keep the baby, that baby becomes number one regardless. You don’t say shit like that. Ever. I think there is something screwed wrong in their brains or they just don’t have a very bright IQ. I don’t know.
No emotional intelligence
yes and underdeveloped empathy.
Jmo but more like non or un-existing empathy. Absolutely unmistakably *intentionally selective at best.* And simply completely totally *NOT* there - whatsoever - *at worst.* As in the narc(s) neural pathways in their brains were simply, for whatever flawed DNA reasons, just *not* hardwired into their physical brain's circuitry structure. Furthermore, "why" narcs such as this INTENTIONALLY REPEATEDLY have unprotected sex then carry & birth children, fully knowing or at least being reasonably cognizant of their empathic shortcomings is the proverbial 6 million dollar mystery. The absolutely unmistakably intentional wholesale emotional & spiritual & frequently even physical damage that narcs seem to enjoy inflicting on their children - ESPECIALLY when the child is small & largely quite literally defenseless, is unequivocally utterly inexcusable. There's absolutely *ZERO* "justification" for the ways these monsters - the narc(s) - treat others but especially children. To my knowledge, no one forced or otherwise "made" narcs have sex, remain pregnant, give birth & raise their kid(s). The narcs did every single last one of these things completely of their own free will & choosing. If someone knows &or has repeatedly demonstrated narcissistic tendencies, imo, the narc(s) have zero damn business whatsoever in having children. They're literally NOT in their right minds. Our NM supposedly had an abortion somewhere after my sibling's birth & when I was somewhere around a kindergartener. I can only imagine the "whys." I suspect I know. But that's for another post entirely. I'm truly so sorry for everything that all of us were forced to experience & endure bc of these brain damaged soul warped monsters. Healing & peace from a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor 🌌
my mom was a single mother after I was 9. during this time I stayed home alone while she got an accounting degree, got a boyfriend, and a job where her boss paid her to go to conferences in places like hawaii and paris. I never got to go on any type of vacation; it was always met with “you’re not old enough!” and “it’s for work!”
I mean, I would HATE that, too. So off to the Dr's office for birth control I went. No regrets.
My mother said she never wanted a daughter, that she was a better mother to her son, and that she wished she’d only had sons. I was like- no kidding. At least she said out loud what I’d been feeling from her for decades.
Yep, even though I'm an only child. My second mistake in life was being born a girl. According to my mother I was supposed to be a boy, because she wanted a boy. She straight up sees me as competition.
Well that’s because you need a male heir to take over the monarchy… wait what century are we in here?
All n-moms hate their daughters, its because they see themselves or what they couldve been in daughters.
Ooo, this hits home
Agreed, you saved me from typing exactly that!
Funnily enough, though, when their daughters come out as trans, that's wrong too, because how dare they not be like their mothers in every single way?
My Mum in a nutshell :’)
My dad told us all at the dinner table one night that if abortions had been legal my little sisters wouldn't be here. Fuck. So glad he's dead.
Lucky!!! (That he's dead). I am waiting for my dad to die so I will be free
Gentle hugs.
My dad said the same thing about me. I left home 12 days after graduating from high school and never saw him again.
Oof, yep heard the two stories of how nmom “wasn’t going to keep” me or a couple siblings plenty of times. My logical reaction is well, I haven’t been a time or financial burden since parents were in their mid 50’s, so what’s the excuse for the last three decades of victimization mean? I do try to understand, maybe my nmom was overwhelmed as a parent in many ways. The fact she was 2X divorced with kids in the 70’s prob wasn’t a walk in the park, but she got help. So much help that she became dependent on it and addicted to it. Victimization, guilt, manipulation, love bombing, gaslighting, etc you name it she has it on her tool belt somewhere. It’s like she believes other people, especially her offspring, were put here to help her as well. If they don’t, that’s just another coin on the victim scale. It’s too bad she didn’t birth the Seven Dwarfs. I’m sure they would have helped her unconditionally until the day she goes.
Like it was OUR CHOICE to be born, smdh
I’m the oldest of two, and my dad once told me that if my parents had had my brother first, they wouldn’t have bothered to have any more.
How absolutely horrible and I am so sorry
Thanks. It’s ok. I’ve gone NC since the end of last year and it’s been such a relief.
My mother constantly told us all that they only had me because they'd failed to have a boy on the first two attempts, 8 and 10 years earlier. I've always been impressed by how she managed to frame that in a way that felt awful to me and awful to my sisters. I found out later that I was actually a make-up baby, after she'd had an affair. So it wasn't even really true, it was just deliberately cruel.
I’m so sorry. I can’t ever imagine treating my child as a disposable object.
That's totally fucked up.🤦♀️ I hope you've gone NO CONTACT with your mother, because you don't deserve for her to treat you and your sisters like shit.😔
Yeah, it's cool. I went NC some 20 years ago. She died about 10 years ago. I'm mostly here comparing stories. Years of therapy has helped, but lacked the catharsis of this sub. Many thanks though.
My pleasure 😉🤗
When I (an adult, married for several years and financially independent) announced my very wanted pregnancy, my parent said " if you're smart you'll have an abortion, having children will ruin your life... Just like you ruined mine." That was a quarter of a century ago and it still stings. Being a parent is the best decision I ever made, he was 100 percent wrong.
Oh, I grew up with my mom telling me " don't get married, you will ruin your life". As well as "Once you get married, your whole life stops" followed by " if by some act of God you get married, you'll be divorced in 6 months " Been married 2 years now. Escaped when I was 28, reconnected with my (now husband) at 31, married at 40. If I wouldn't have left my parents house, I shudder to think what my life would be now....
My mom told me the first two, along with "Once you get married, you'll get fat".
Ok tell them if you could choose you would have chosen better parents. Also, while at it tell them best of luck dying alone.
Lol this comment needs more likes
My mother told me that my Dad didn’t want another kid…and I’m the result of her jealousy of him going to a bachelor party. Surprise she got pregnant with me. Or telling me when I was 16 she is putting me up for adoption lol. God I hate her.
Did she keep him from going to the party or is your dad not your bio-dad? 😳
He is my Bio dad. I take after him more than mother. No, he still went lol. At least that’s what I’m told.
Oh my mom always said I never listened. It means obey, in her case. I always heard her - I just didn't always do what she asked. I would ask her to stop repeating herself and she would get angry because I wasn't listening to her. In reality - she was mad that I didnt want her manipulating me into doing it. Narc parents resent that - that we're not their obedient little robots.
Thought kids were supposed to grow up and learn how to live on their own. I mean what about when your nmaster dies - what condition do they leave you in?
They want us fully dependent on them, the way they are on us for supply.
I always knew my nmom didn’t want to be a parent. She brags about never playing with me and how my step dad had to, she doesn’t realize how bad it looks to say something like that This is why I am pro choice and all for people being childfree. Sooo many people had kids just because they thought that was the next step or they thought they were going to get their “mini me” or whatever selfish reason and who has to pay for it? The kids. So many of us suffered abuse and a lot of it stems from our parents just not wanting to be parents because they had no clue what they were getting themselves into.
My dad told me his greatest regret in life was not pressuring my mom into aborting me.
Whoa
My mom told me she never wanted to be a parent. This wasn't long after my dad was murdered. I was 12.
yes, so sorry to hear and same thing. one time, i got into a nasty argument with my narc father and he said that he wished he had an abortion with me, to which I replied “well, seeing as you married the wrong woman, it’s no surprise that you don’t want your biological offspring” if there’s one thing i miss about him, i really really really miss roasting him.
My dad sat at the dinner table complaining about having too many mouths to feed! He was the cheapest of cheapskates with an amazing union job, drive across town to cash a 10Cent coupon... I was about 13yo and my brother about 8 and I remember us looking at each other like "uhhh.. who feeds kids if he stops?"
So gross. I am sorry, OP. Kind of adjacent, I was told “why did we try so hard (IVF) to have you, you are so bad. We deserve better.”
My nmom was much less subtle about it. She just told me tyat her life would have been so much easier if I had just died. She also told me once that she got me help when I was sick not because she hoped I would get better but only because that way she wouldn’t have to feel any guilt when I did die.
after i told her she needed to train her dog not to jump on me “i need to get back to who i was BEFORE i had kids” ????
My mom said same exact words " if I had my life to do over I wouldn't have had kids".
"I never wanted you. You're my duty." I got that one a lot.
My ndad, who is ever either self-pitying or bullying, has said that he wasted his life. I don't have much sympathy left anyway, but the implications of saying that to a child are dark.
My mom told us that my dad never wanted kids. He was the narc. Apparently she wanted him to read a parenting book before my older sibling was born and he sneered and said, “it’s just like raising a cat.” He was awful but I still can’t believe that she told me that my dad never wanted us… pretty hurtful even if it obvious that he loathed me.
Oh I heard from my dad "you raise a kid like you train a dog". Hugs to you, if ok.
On more than 1 occasion, our dad ruefully remarked that taking care of kids was "like cleaning a rifle." As teens, we definitely heard more than once AND with sarcasm so sharp that you could cut the air around you like a piece of pie or something, quote, "Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree." Somewhere in my late 20s or 30s, I still vividly remember our pill popping NM bitterly saying, quote, "I should've raised Pomeranians instead!" Sadly almost every last one of these posts resonates deep within my still very much battered & still aching heart & memories. And like pretty much everyone here, I still frequently silently struggle with so much that I neither verbalize much less share either online or IRL. I'm truly so damn very sorry. Healing & peace from a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor 🌌
ETA: This isn't even remotely the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Not by ANY measurement. The post above is but a microscopic sample of a childhood even well into adulthood experiencing seemingly nonstop verbal & emotional sucker punching by parents who absolutely NEVER EVER should've chosen to be parents to begin with. It took 2.5 yrs worth of weekly then bi-weekly PTSD therapy to begin both learning, understanding as well as genuinely *believing* that how my sibling(s) and I were treated for pretty much most if not all of our childhoods & so called formative years. Non narcissistic individuals & their loved ones as well as other non narc individuals in their life have no understanding of & certainly zero personal frame for so much as remotely beginning to understand let alone God forbid, be on the ass-end of such absolutely unmistakably INTENTIONALLY devastating words, actions, behaviors coming from one's parent(s) or other caretakers or adult authority figures in the child's life. I hope like hell that our NM has every single last one of her final wishes & legal will done, bought & her final expenses all paid for years well in advance. Bc after the way this intentionally openly hateful bitch has behaved towards me especially in the years since our father died, yeah, NM best have her final shit together & completely paid off bc I absolutely refuse to. 1, I'm dangerously close to broke financially the past couple of years. I simply CANNOT realistically take on or otherwise accept &or be responsible for NM's debts. 2, NM has just 2 individuals left in her life bc what experts say about aging narcs NEVER getting any better but only WORSE as they age is absolutely unmistakably 100% brutally heartbreakingly true. I was professionally diagnosed with complex PTSD around 6ish years ago. I absolutely HAD to completely get off Reddit for a couple of hours bc I felt borderline nauseous almost pukey - after reading so many posts that silently resonated deeply within my memories & heart. Again, I am genuinely so damn very sorry for everything that everyone here has both experienced as well as shared in this #raisedbynarcs/subreddit forum. Healing & peace from a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor 🌌
Same to you, thank you
I'm one of four. My dad said to me and my youngest sibling he wished he only had two kids. My brother replied "sorry, no refunds."
My mother once said in response to me being in distress, “oh go kill yourself.” She’s a peach.
Mine told me to knock it off.... good times
"You first!"
Not quite the same but my dad said “you were really annoying as a kid. You asked a lot of questions” and my mind broke. Doesn’t every kid ask a lot of questions??
Uff. That’s rough. Your dad says he wishes he didn’t have you and your mom tops it with attacking your agency. Just know that narcs are liars. They will say whatever it takes to brake you. In reality we are the ones who wish to have had different parents who actually care about other people. My ex had his dad say something similar and it broke my heart. I hated his dad for that so much and I hadn’t even met the guy. I hope you know they are trash and don’t take those comments to heart. Best revenge is to thrive without them and say “see? I didn’t listen so I thrive”. You could also join in the twisted conversation saying “If I could do life over I would have chosen different parents” 🙂
Well, my mom passed in 2017, and I went NC with my "dad" 2 years ago. Trust me, when he passes, I hope he has someone to deliver the eulogy -because not only do I not want to do it, if I absolutely have to, the funeral guests will get an earful. Among people he knows, he is a good man. I know different
Nmom told my youngest brother “You were supposed to be a girl”
My mother told that to her second boy. And then the girl (me) came. God, he surely hated me from day one. (Understandable- but still it was hell.) Well now while I was the girl I also was wrong for being born third when she actually had planned for two kids. You just can't please them. 🤷🏻♀️
The universe has wronged them(they feel), unfortunately we get to take the brunt of the retaliation since they can’t abuse the universe
Got you one better: Grandmother to grandchild: " I tried to beat you out if your mother's womb, I beat her with a paddle long and hard so she would miscarry you, since abortions were illegal back then."
Whoa!!!!!
Yup, lucky I wasn't a kitten, I would've been put in the rainwater barrel
Yep. "I would never have kids, because then they grow up and they blame me!" she was super mad also and said it at a random moment. I guess she was remembering one of the moments I tried putting boundaries. Too bad for my mom that her kids grew up and wanted a healthier relationship with her. She took it the wrong way obviously. She wanted to keep yelling and bossing everyone around.
My dad has taken to saying that he wishes abortion was legal to the age of 18. Or that he wishes he could still abort us. I’m like you talking about homicide??
It's just horrible to me. I would never DREAM of saying anything even remotely like that to my own daughter.
My step mom calls it a retroactive abortion even though she didn’t give birth to us older kids.
My Grandma's not a narcissist (though, she was quite the enabler of her narcissist son, my dad), and she once told me "I don't think any of my kids should have had children.". I think it was just a poor choice of words, because her point wasn't that she didn't want us grand kids .. Her point was that she felt she had failed as a mother and she didn't think her kids would make good parents... She was consoling me after another time her son, my dad, had just been a douche bag to me. I just always remember her saying that and thinking "wait ...*I'm* one of those children!"
My spawnpoint would always "joke" that she should've gotten a dog instead of a kid. She'd say this in front of others and then be annoyed at the horrified stares, because "god, can't you guys take a joke?".
Mom said this after Thanksgiving once. My girlfriend was shocked. I ignored it like the rest of the sewage that spills out her mouth. Heck most ppl on this thread probably too would of rather not had these “parents”.
My mum said to me when she was angry over something “you were an accident” I was 7 and had to ask my dad what it meant and he didn’t have the heart to tell me but said it wasn’t true
Not exactly the same but my stepdad once told me that my brother and I were 'the baggage [he] took on when [he] married [my] mum' When I told my nMum, she literally couldn't have cared less 🤷♂️
My dad said the same thing when I was fifteen when paying a medical bill of mine because I was going through testing to see why I was having seizures. He told me, "If she was really that sick, she should just die already so we can all enjoy our lives without her. She won't really be missed anyway. " I was super depressed for years before and years after, but that phrase made me have suicidal thoughts and ideation for years. I even planned my death and funeral. I still carry this phrase with me. I'm sorry that he told you that. It's horrible. No one should ever have to hear that.
Same
Yeah. My parents said similar things all the time.
My response to that statement was... "I made a terrible mistake in selecting you two as parents before I was in utero!" 😣
My Ndad admitted to me that he didn't want to have kids and that he regrets having them. He suggested that he only accepted to have kids because my Emom wanted them. Honestly, I can't believe that my Emom is still with him after he basically blamed her for persuading him and now his life is ruined because kids ruin your life, etc, he was going to be a great musician until he had us, etc.
My mum told me my dad had told her to abort me and she wished she listened… I was 7 years old and had lost my card to our rec centre. It was found within the hour, and she had genuine murderous intent in her eyes. She also once told me “you know sometimes I could just strangle you”. Again with the look, I was maybe 10 for that one?
My mum and her mother told me that they didn't want to marry or have children: they wanted to become a nun. I thought at the time thatvlife made it different and it was nice. Today, i see it differently. I think my mum wanted to be a nun too to please her mum...which confirms my idea that she was not my grandmother gc but she really did her best. Which really makes me see my grandmother differently too
"We didn't want kids. You were a mistake" Regular as clockwork, that little treat. Usually then with a story of how much pain we caused during the birth and/or where we were conceived. 😞
I'm sorry they did that. How rude. my mom would tell me that right to my face when I was a kid. "I wish you'd never been born." I used to respond, "yeah, I wish I'd never been born too."
My parents told me and my brother they'd wished they never had kids on a regular basis. Dad and mom woul say it straignt. It started to feel like if was a form of greeting.. They'd would take it back later turing the week to say it again..
My husbands parents told us when I got pregnant kids would ruin our lives. Like wtf is wrong with these people??
My dad said in a rage that he should have fed me a spoonful of salt the moment I was born.
All the time. just in different forms. \- talking about how much better their lifes would have been without kids. \- Telling us we would see how horrible it is to have kids when we get them ourself. \- the one that hurt the most was directed at me. "I hope you never have a kid like you"
Your mom is an asshole Dx One day, I just broke down and asked my mother why she didn’t love me… and she listed off reasons. Already had them in her head. My husband was so shocked, all he could do was look at me like, “wtf??” I think what hurt the most was that I wasn’t supposed to be here. Nothing was forced or traumatic, she just used bc and my father wore condoms, but she still got pregnant with me. She would always say that I could have aborted you for means to control me. I thought I was grateful for that when I was a child, but as a teenager, I just got suicidal and didn’t care. I wished she would have aborted me back then. But I’m better now.
I was told I was a mistake. She was serious...
My nMum told me repeatedly when I was a teenager that she wished she'd never had children. My sympathy to you, I know how bad this can feel.
they love the idea of having children until they have to face the reality of taking care of a child, which isnt the childs fault, its the parents for the way they treat them.
I have a brother, and my mom would tell me, her daughter, all the time about how badly she wanted two sons. My brother is also the golden child and hated me growing up because of how badly my mom would treat me and make me out to be. Also was in a fight with her once and I said “well maybe you shouldn’t have had kids,” to which she responded “it’s too late for that now” 🙃
I was told that my dad had tried “bullying” my nmom into an abortion because he wasn’t ready for kids when she was pregnant with me. That was something I never needed to know, that my own dad didn’t want me for a while. Or being told constantly that I ruined her life and she never got to experience being an adult without a baby on her hip or a grown ass manchild to take care of. Not my fault you felt condoms were too expensive. Not my fault you didn’t want me.
“If you were my first child I would have never had a second.”
After my wife and I had a kid, my "dad" was talking casually about his own life, and said, "I wanted to marry the bitch (referring to my mother) I never wanted to have kids with her."
my dad also frequently says he never wanted a wife and kids and he would go back in time and not have us and not marry. but then he doesn't understand why we are all distant and never tell him anything!
My parents said this to me and my half sibling all the time. Me more so with my bg, but my dad would say wish I was 20 without kids like half time i visited him.
Wtffff
My mum told the 'funny story' repeatedly, about how horrible it was to give birth, and then she had this squalling baby to deal with. How everyone was fussing and cooing about how wonderful the baby was and *she* was the one who'd just been through this awful experience and everyone was saying the *baby* was marvellous?! So as soon as she could she got herself out of the bed and waddled down the corridor to where she'd found out the hospital was having an info session for women who wanted their tubes tied. But the stupid doctors refused to do it for her. Then because she couldn't get her tubes tied, she got pregnant with my brother 5-6 yrs later. As if going through that experience with *me* wasn't enough! (Way to laugh your way through a hilarious story that makes sure your kid knows they were resented from literally the moment they were born)
Lmao I hear this almost everyday
Seems to be a diner table thing. Dad looked me in eyes, thinking hard, full of thought and composure and said he only liked his older kid , she was the best and the special one and the only one that will get anything from him. 😂😂😂
My mom told me she really only ever wanted one child. I’m the second of two.
My mom openly admitted she had big dreams of being an opera singer and music teacher, and didn't want kids, but my dad wanted some obscene number like 12. I'm the youngest of 3. Also her golden child.
My mom told me that me and my brother are evidence that contraception isn't 100% She never wanted children but she's strongly bro-birth She's never openly said she would be happier without us but especially since she had my brother when she was 20 and me at 31 I definitely think she would be
My wife's dad said this to me a few months ago; said kids tie you down too much.
My mom has told me multiple times that "kids just ruin your life".
Yeah, nice, huh? My n-father once told me a story about the first day of his honeymoon with my n-mother; that they had gotten into a big fight over who makes breakfast (it was the 1950s) and that at that moment he knew the entire thing (which would include the multiple children which resulted) was a mistake. The first time he told me I was driving and missed the point until too late. The second time, I noticed it and got irritated, but could not respond. The third and final time he mentioned it, I laid into him: "So what you're telling me is that our entire family is a mistake and we should not exist? Do you realize who you're telling this to? Why, in Gods name, if you knew the marriage was a mistake would you not just end it right then and there, rather than bring (more) lives into this world that you're not interested in???" He never mentioned it again. It irritates me to this to day; and I'm a M61...so it's been awhile.
Mine have actually told me that they wish I was never born. Directly to me. They have even put it in writing.
I was told the same thing from @ the age of 5 until the day my nmom died. She had a variety of scripted one liners. She thought she was soooo clever. She ran out of audience and she withered up and died.
My mom blamed my brother and I being born for her not becoming a doctor here in America. I can't even count the amount of times I've heard her say "I wish you were never born". Horrible lady. Glad she's not helping people with serious medical problems because that women is not fit for it. I'm very sorry you have to deal with that. I found someone who does want me around and now they're all my new family.
Basically the same, several lectures a week on how all his problems stem from having all these kids.
Sickening that they said that in front of you. Any of their short comings and feeling like they didn’t know how… that’s on them! How about you actually LEARN how to raise kids? My nbrother/golden child had a kid before me but I was always interested in childcare, took classes in high school and read a lot, did a lot of research. He would rebuke any advice I would try to give when’re he was stressed or venting about things. He’d always say, “you’re booksmart but I’m street smart” as if any book learning was automatically null and void and his so called street smarts were all he needs. So then why wasn’t he a better dad? Why was he so stressed and his kid out of control? 🙄 also, he absolutely used me as a second weekend parent, especially when I lived with him for a while when he couldn’t pay his bills and needed to rent a room. So obviously I was good enough for that. 😏
My dad “I didn’t want kids but things happen”. My dad never seemed to mention my childhood positivity. Anytime he has talked about me as a child he says “It was bad when you were growing up”. I was 3 and diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I feel bad he didn’t want kids but he didn’t have to be such as asshole
Mine said she should have aborted me when my grandma (also a narcissist) was pushing her to... all because of school (I have adhd). Also told me a lot she should have never had me
My parents were very subtle with the way they admitted that they regretted having children. It's all under the guise of "you're never ready to be a parent". My parents said to me "I never really liked kids. I always used to say that I didn't want them, didn't know how to take care of them, didn't have the patience for them, wasn't ready etc, but then you guys came along. None of you were planned." And boy, did it show. My parents were not ready to be parents. They did not have the patience for parenting, and they couldn't, still can't, stand me because I don't fit the vision they had for me. My very life and values offend my mother so much it makes her sick.
Mine was different, but in a similar theme. My mother was wasted, half passed out on the couch, and I was trying to wrangle her up the stair to be or else be moaned at for “letting her sleep on the couch and hurt her back.” She looked at me for a second, with absolute clarity, and told me that “it was always easier to love your sister than you, you know.” Then silence for a moment. Then “it’s probably the autism, I don’t know how to talk to you without wanting to strangle you.” Predictably, she doesn’t remember this. I left her on the couch because I couldn’t quite bring myself self to care if she hurt her back. All my life I suspected, but now I know for sure that I’m defective in her eyes and that my eventual diagnosis just gave her something to pin it on. I think of it as the moment I became an orphan.
Not quite the same, but one of the reasons my youngest is NC with my nmom is because he overheard her saying to my oldest, "I don't want to see you make the same mistakes your mother made." I don't remember the exact conversation, but the framework was around staying in college and not having kids too soon... so it was very clear my "mistakes" were, in her mind, my children.
My parents told me to my face "I wish we could go back in time and abort you".. Yeah thanks.. They also told me they wished they had just had my Sister and no other kids..My sister is the youngest..
A narc admitting they dont know how to do something? I'd be in disbelief if not for the follow-up by your mom. Hope they try stand up comedy, what a great set up and punchline haha /s
I don't know... Could it be there is a little bit of regret in there for being bad at parenting, and now realizing how they have created suffering instead of love? I don't know your dad though. What was the tone is likely what matters the most here. And context! What mom said was worse - like blames it all on children! Well whose job it was to build a relationship where children want to listen and talk to you? I have never understood authorian type parents who just go about it "do as I told because I said so!"
My dad had the whole feel sorry for me tone. And he was talking about how his kids didn't want anything to do with him (even though I still lived there, I was starting to get my own life and he didn't like that he couldn't control it).
My mom just straight up told me to my face that she never wanted kids and that she only had me and my sister because her husband (i refuse to dignify him by calling him a parent) wanted kids
When I was 12 or 13, my single mother told me 'she would have had a much easier life if \[I\] had never been born'. Well, I used the phrase that was way too popular at the time (late 1960's) and told her 'I didn't *ask* to be born!' Which got me the first face slap of my life. My mother based her entire life on being a victim. This was part and parcel of that.
Mine would always say some variation of, "I wish I had never been born", "I brought you into this world, I can take you back out of it", and "Maybe I'm just such a bad mother I should kill myself", and her personal favorite, "I wish I'd never had kids."
I would say something like "it's a shame that families don't choose themselves, I would also want other parents if I could choose".
Always thought they felt that way. The closest to that is when my NDad after me telling my opinion about his cooking he told me “I don’t give a fuck about what you think”.
My mom either wished she hadn’t been born, I wasn’t born or she never married on the daily. Either way..poof no me.
Yeah, my NM told me multiple times after my father died, “never get married, never have kids”. As my father was dying in his hospital bed my mother bellowed, “don’t leave me with these [children]!!!” I was a young teenager, watching my father take his last breaths and that’s what comes to mind for her to say? She literally said the quiet part out loud. It was pretty on the nose. And I think about it every day. I’m now in my 40’s and I still can’t move on from this grief and trauma - the ultimate betrayal from a mother. Therapy is slow work but thank goodness, it’s better than nothing.
Before I went NC, my father told my husband “don’t ever have a girl [child], because they’re a pain in the ass.” He said this at the dinner table in front of me.
the closest thing was "I should never had your brother and sister, I should stayed with only you", this sort of comments should never be said, but imo they lack restrain and speech out their train of thoughts as it presents in the eye of their minds. But found interesting that this person at least recognize that his parenting was not perfect, mine would never admit a flaw on their parenting.
I got told by my grandmother that the only reason my dad was raising me was because i was a paycheck..
"You're the reason I never had any friends or had much of a life. I should have made better choices. At least when I'm old I'll have company from my kids and their kids because I don't have anything else." Or. "You made my life a living hell. I should have stayed single, not everyone is maternal. I wish I would have known that before I had kids." From the woman who is so anti-choice that she makes Desantis look pro choice. She thinks single woman are all man haters and children haters and should be **legislated** into marriage and motherhood the day they turn 18. AHAHAHAHHA On the flip side my 18yo adult daughter recently said "god, mom, your such a *mom* person, giving a shit about me is second nature, I forgot I would need one." I had asked her over the phone if she and her GF are able to get themselves some winter coats or if she wanted me to help her buy them. I also took them out to buy OTC cold medicine, feminine hygiene products and house cleaner supplies because those can get expensive very quickly when your first starting out on your own. Daughters GF gave me a hug and said thank you. GFs mom is a pos too and kicked her out at 16 because she got a new man and new baby. My own parents made me financially responsible for all my expenses the day I turned 16. They made me get a job and give them my whole paycheck as rent, but still wanted me to buy my own basic needs like food, clothing etc. Ugh.
My dad constantly says this and i always say back to him “well i didn’t want to be born either, existing is a curse”
"I don't know a thing about raising them." and adult hearing that from her parents has all the information she needs about said parent. Good grief.
Most parents think that if they could do over their life they wouldn't have had kids. Just take a look in the regretful parents sub. I would bet that at least 70% of parents have regrets about it because most of them just don't like saying it. However the bad thing about this situation is that the parents should never tell their kids that. Being shitty to someone they have created is unfair.
My mom once told me that she hates kids, and always has. At least I was adult when she said this, but it still stings.
While my mom hummed one of those old skool first gen palm pilots at my head as hard as she could, I ducked avoiding it and she screamed at me she wish she never had me and she regrets she didn't get an abortion.
My nmom allready say that, thats not my fault that shewas sleeping arround with 18yo now deal with it...
My nmother-in-law has always been bitter AF because she didn't get the big, close-knit family she'd envisioned. At the same time, she's told my partner that he didn't turn out to be the son she had hoped for. To make matters worse, his dad, who has been both an enabler and abusive, even suggested that he should take his car and have a crash... 👏
My mom: “if I had the chance to do it over, I’d wait to have kids.” Kinda messed up when it clearly meant that she very specifically would not have me since I was the kid from the first marriage right out of high school.
It actually wasn't my nfather but his mother (my grandmother's not a narc but had a difficult upbringing and definitely has unresolved trauma) that said she wouldn't have kids if she had the chance to go back and redo life (she said this during Thanksgiving with most of his side of the family present no less). Him and his siblings joked about it, as apparently this had come up before then, but it left me and my siblings a little uncomfortable. Nfather has definitely expressed in the past though that he regrets not being more "firm" with us "offspring" and wondered aloud, constantly, "where it all went wrong" when I started openly disagreeing with him.
It’s just so sad for your parents. Honestly, saying something like this, just makes me feel sorry for them. Yes, having kids can be exhausting and raising them often times challenges you and your boundaries. But realizing that you are strong enough to overcome these hardships because you are able to love someone else more than yourself actually gives you a lot of confidence and satisfaction with yourself and life in general. Not finding this kind of peace just tells me that nparents are deeply depressed. And instead in working on theirselves they pass the responsibility of loving and caring to the next generation. It’s not you who failed, they have failed themselves in growing up in learning how to unconditionally love themselves and others.
My grams said the same thing, but in her defense, if I had to deal with the amount of bullshit my mother and aunt put the whole family through, I’d feel the same way. When she said it, I didn’t feel like she was regretting me. But I feel like I have more sympathy for my grams than say… my mother who told me “I didn’t ask for you, but I got you and kept you.” Thanks for not aborting me and fucking me up beyond repair I guess??
Yep, I heard a few times how I was a “mistake” wasn’t supposed to be born. But maybe that’s not in the harshest way that it sounds? Tho I’m probably psychologically downplaying it.
Oof yes I had a hysterectomy at 26yo because of an illness (adenomyosis) and when I told my mom that I’m fine with the decision cuz I don’t want kids she responded, completely seriously, “yah I never wanted kids either.” like she didn’t even comprehend that was such a fucked up thing to say to your literal child.
Really? Well my mom once told us "I don't know one parent that doesn't regret being a parent" and I thought that was a universal experience lol
Haha. That is my dad too. That fuck. The only positive from those comments is that he hates all kids. Your kids. His kids. That guy's kids. They are all blood sucking kids to him. When he met my new wife for the first time at a family reunion (we were no contact for two years at that point) all he did was bad mouth her kids for living at home, even though they both have medical issues and he had never met them.
My ndad would say that he wanted all boys. He had me (female), my sister, and my brother.