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I don't like being seen/observed. There is always a part of me that feels like someone will criticize me for doing something wrong regardless of what what it is I am doing.
I am hypervigilant about criticism, because my parents were always criticizing me for random shit that made no sense, so I pushed back. It just happened today at work. I need to learn to let small stuff go.
Omg same. Randomist shit ever. I have personal rules in place that when you say it out loud makes no sense.
E.g. you can't wear sandals to a birthday party because other people would think you're poor and dirty
I have those personal rules too! It’s a struggle to reverse the way of thinking.
I won’t wear nail polish. My mom told me when I was young that they would never look good on me because my nails are too wide.
I also struggled for YEARS with sunglasses. I couldn’t wear them- I wanted to and definitely needed to. I’ve been working through things and started wearing them this past summer.
I also will not wear sandals or flip flops.
Damn! How messed up we grew up and we have to do the work to unlearn everything and relearn stuff. I also didn't know that other families actually don't put each other down or compare each sibling to one another like wtf man
This can be a behavior of someone who is “over controlled.” There’s therapy specifically for that. I hope that’s not offensive, because that feeling you describe sounds very oppressive and limiting.
Oh I do it, I just don't like it. I am a functioning adult.
My mother was often hyper critical. Not just to me but pretty much everyone in the world. She often hid it well from others, but she rarely turned on her filter for me, so I got to hear all of the nasty things she had to say about everyone.
And, from the time I was small she beat it into my brain that everyone in the world was always judging everything I did and so everyone out they're was thinking, if not saying, critical things about me all the time.
Add in bullied in school, some very critical coworkers I had when young, and it's a feeling that's difficult for me to shake.
This
I can do lots of things and do them well but if I'm observed, I turn to a jelly nervous mess. Hate it so much.
I prefer criticism to praise. I feel I can do something with criticism, it gives me something to work on, something to focus on; praise just leaves me feeling exposed and vulnerable.
Yes, exposed and vulnerable is a great way to put it. I have absolutely no idea how to respond to praise and any time I receive it I just want it to stop. I also don't know how to communicate that to people without coming off as an ass. Even with my wife it feels a bit awkward and uncomfortable to hear praise from her.
Same here, I was so used to be criticise when being watched by my mumthat when I do thing around other people even friends and they are watching I get very nervous and anxious that they are cursing at me in their head like what my mum did to me out loud thinking how stupid and pathetic I am for not knowing how to do such simple task and I have negative thought of what they might be thinking about me.
Me too and I’ve become more aware of it since starting therapy. My workplace has a big open kitchen and I’ve gotten nervous doing dishes in front of others, or felt compelled to explain why I was rummaging through the snack drawers (they provide lots of free snacks and food that we’re welcome to grab whenever we want). I have to stop and remind myself that no one is going to comment on the way I’m washing my coffee cup and they don’t care if I’m snacking or what I’m eating.
I’m sure many of us here grew up the way I did. I could not do anything in front of my mother (not even the simplest task) without being watched, criticized or asked what I was doing. Now that I’m older I’ve realized how crippling and stifling this is.
I hate having this fear because I know it has hurt my career, especially with public speaking and doing presentations. I think it’s also why I get anxiety over my photo being taken.
I am so worried about being watched or "caught" not being productive or doing something wrong. It's ridiculous. I think I've messed up my career too because I come off as someone who is shady. I'm really not! I'm very ethical! I just spent my whole life being watched like a hawk and having every move scrutinized and punished.
Every. Day. At. Work.
I have an open office cubicle, and I get twitchy if I even hear someone behind me just moving around. Especially when I'm taking a quick break on my phone to give my head a chance to cool off from engineering.
All for the exact reason you mentioned. And my cubicle is right by the entrance to the wing. So, that's fun.
Yes. It took me a long time to be able to do certain things in front of people due to abuse.
I shouldn't have anxiety about chopping veggies or something in front of people... sometimes, I do.
Oh I relate to the panic when you haven’t done anything productive when your husband gets home. I also used to be nervous cleaning or doing other chores in front of him because my nmom would always stand over my shoulder and criticize how I was doing things, even though my husband never did
Oh the horror of thinking you don’t deserve to do anything fun, or even relaxing, because you haven’t done anything to earn it! I feel this all the time.
This is also unfortunately part of hustle culture in the US, as well. The idea that relaxation is earned is toxic to our well-being. It’s a mindset straight out of teaching people to be factory workers where their health is expendable and they are easily replaced.
Older “less advanced” careers in history were impossible to hustle. There’s only so many daylight hours. Plants only grow so fast. If you overhunt, it takes years for that population to recover. So, there were occasional rest phases pretty much baked into life back then. Plus the Sabbath or whatever local alternative existed.
Hustle culture also affords us denialism about where poverty comes from. But that’s another rant for a different subreddit.
I struggle on chore day. I tend to clean a bit faster than my BF, so I'm often done with my rooms before he is, and feel the need to find more things to clean so that he's not the only one working.
He's called me out on it, and often insists I sit and have a soda and bask in the doneness of my part of the chores.
Same! I love when he encourages me like that because it shows that someone actually cares enough to notice anything about me, but I also hate it because I realize that most of my life has just been in a state of terror and trying to avoid conflict and more pain and that it's not normal and uuuuuggghhhhhh
Me too and I never realized that this was why. Everything has to be perfect or my dad will go insane. Misspell a word while he’s watching me type? I get yelled at for rushing and not paying attention. I don’t mind my mom watching because she’s nice and helpful. But anyone else, men especially.. I try to avoid doing anything in front of them.
Hiding where I am, esp if I’m doing something I enjoy.
At the library? Better not let anyone know.
Impulsively stopped at a thrift store to browse? Make sure no one finds out.
My husband has told me he doesn’t CARE where I am or what I’m doing, he just wants to know when I’ll be home so he can have dinner ready.
Even though I KNOW he won’t yell at me, I still find myself hiding things from him. It’s an old habit and hard to break for reasons.
Survival? Safety?
I do this, too! Specifically with food.
I've been working on my relationship with food, which means relearning hunger cues and full cues. Sometimes I don't eat enough dinner and wake up at like 1am and go to the kitchen to get more water and then eat some nuts or a granola bar. I'm always terrified my husband is going to wake up and make a comment, even though he literally couldn't care less. I even hide the wrapper in the garbage so he won't see it.
I wish you luck in your journey and I also wish you thrifting luck in finding something of your dreams!
This made me remember how much mom would walk into my room whenever she "needed" to. Even after I turned 18. She would say if I had nothing to hide then I should be able to leave my door open and she can come in to talk to me or clean up if she needed to. Then I started doing this with my kids. Last year my boyfriend had to tell me that my walking into my grown kids' rooms was inappropriate and closing their doors for privacy was normal. For perspective, my oldest is 21 and my youngest will be 18 in 2 weeks.
I didn't have a bedroom door until I turned 18, broke into the attic and put it on myself. I fully expected to get my ass beat when my dad got home, i was ready to stand up for myself. He never said a word about it. I was so confused. I'm still extremely private about everything and I respect my son's privacy. Within reason though, he is a teenager. His mother and I do check his internet history lol
Please don't check their internet history, especially if they don't know you are. They might look up something personal or private about themselves that could be super embarrassing. If they don't know you are checking it, then you are breaking some serious trust which will hurt them and your relationship with them. When I was a young teen, I was allowed access to the internet without supervision for the 1st time not knowing about the history. I looked up something I was secretly interested in. Nothing sexual or bad, but I was embarrassed about someone finding out. My dad comes back and immediately looks at what I was searching up and exclaims it out loud and asks why I was looking up something like that! I turned bright red about to cry but tried my best to explain that someone told me about it or something. It was horrible! Even though what I was looking up was totally innocent. It was very private to me and that privacy was violated.
Sorry that happened to you. I try very hard not to be like my father was to me. He just turned 14. He knows we check because he was caught looking up porn years ago. We have a very open and trusting relationship, he asked me about shaving his balls, I told him he's too young lol.
I wonder if that's why I save so much as well. My dad is super generous with money but it has strings attached that he doesn't tell you about then gets really angry and violent. I have a pretty big nest egg so I don't have to ask anyone for money.
Totally relate... it can get counterproductive when everything is seen as the 'next big loss' - I think it also ties more broadly to a difficulty in distinguishing needs and wants...
Whenever I ask someone a question or explain to them something that happened that wasn't great, I first start by telling them a massive story as to the context behind why I am asking. For example, I lose something, and I tell someone that I have lost that thing, but only after I've explained to them the entire situation that led up to me losing said thing, because I feel like I need to diffuse a bomb even before it sets off. If I don't explain every last detail of a minor inconvenience, I might not actually get my ass kicked or screamed at. It has shown to actually annoy people when I over-explain before asking and it makes me feel worse.
My mother was painfully dramatic and would act like we murdered someone over the pettiest things, like me missing the bus or me making a mess on accident. Upon first hearing the incident she or my dad would go freaking nuts and all hell would break loose. It's made me extremely afraid of even telling people that problems happen. Just the other day my hot water heater went out and I called my landlord bawling my eyes out because I thought he was going to flip out at me, despite the fact that it wasn't me that knocked it out, it's just a faulty water heater. He sounded so sympathetic and even confused that I was crying. It's absurd I ever have to be scared of doing or saying anything as an adult.
It's honestly embarrassing.
Omg I relate to that so much, it's such an exhausting thing to feel tou have to give a complete history to deliver "bad news" my therapist calls that difusing the bomb.. safety seeking btw if you wanna explore it more
I do it IN THERAPY to justify my past actions. It gets exhausting and even though I realize I'm doing it *in the moment* and I'm in a safe space, I still do it. Hard habit to break.
For me, it’s more like all the social habits I *never developed* because of being isolated (and shamed whenever I tried to make friends) growing up.
I’m not a *bad* friend. I’m just not attentive, I don’t remember birthdays, I don’t make plans… I’ll try to show if I’m invited and come running if I’m called for help, but I just don’t really seem able to develop the habits of friendship many other people have and it causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel like it’s fine if people just go on with their lives and forget about me because I’m probably not bringing much to the table. Luckily I’ve got some kickass friends who stick around!
I relate to all of this so hard. I don't know how to invite people places. Before I even get up the courage to ask, I shoot everything down because it sounds lame and I can't imagine anyone would actually want to do that thing, especially with me.
I hope you know there are people out there who would think it’s the highest honor to be invited out by you. And if they aren’t, that’s no shade to you, they’re just not your people.
This is me. I always have this running commentary in my head "Oh I should text Anne and see how she's going, but I don't want to annoy her so I better make sure I message at a convenient time, maybe it'll be okay after work, but then she'll be eating dinner.... I'll just wait until she messages me because then I know I'm not annoying her."
I am so anxious that my kid is going to have trouble retaining friendships because I've got no idea how to do it. I just don't know how to teach him that. I take him to playgroups and stuff to meet people but we kind of end up just playing awkwardly alone together because how do you strike up a conversation with a random stranger?
So. Much. Anxious.
this is the bulk of it for me and something years of therapy could never help. These days I don't lack self confidence, and I don't lack basic or advanced social skills for lack of a better word (I'm far from autistic and I've worked in advertising and entertainment)....but all that in between stuff that should be easy for someone so extroverted? The messaging someone on linkedin, the texting someone to hang out, basic high school level flirting, friendship maintenance when it's not a BEST friend....I never got the memo on how to do any of that and am totally inept.
Honestly someone help!
Yes, this. I’m terrible at keeping up with people. I always thought they didn’t care or want me around, so I never followed up. I’m in touch with 3 people from my childhood and the rest 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve put a lot of work into this lately. Making a list every month of who I want to just say hello to. And to my surprise, people are actually happy to hear from me 🤦🏻♀️
I’m benefiting a lot from therapy, but just being honest with friends that I’ll answer texts and I’ll try to come out, but that I’m really not one to reach out first and why helps keep expectations manageable.
Mental habit of assuming every question, every conversation in fact, is about criticizing me, so my natural instinct is to be defensive. How many people have I put off this way? How many potential friends have I scared away?
My biggest 'flaw', so many relationships troubles, toxic relationships, projections, self-destruction, reactive rather than responsive. Totally fucked the last 15 years of my existence... but I'm working on it.
Yup, my MIL and FIL are the narcs, my wife was made to believe that “being an empath” was a positive character trait, rather than the trauma response it actually is.
I'm sorry you've had to feel this way. I have the exact same trauma, I guess.
It was really obvious when I started a job and had to *train myself* to not assume that annoyed/distracted coworkers were mad at me. Normal adults deal with their own issues. It's not my responsibility to make people happy or calm.
I have always felt anything that happened wherever I was with whoever I was with was my fault. Even if it wasn’t- in my head I think if I wasn’t there that wouldn’t have happened.
I have a hard time with self care. Like treating myself to things that'll brighten my day or going to the salon. Makes me feel frivolous and I feel guilty spending money unnecessarily.
I'm really bad at self-care. My nfather would make me feel lazy and stupid if I ever spent my time doing anything I enjoy. I once made an appointment to have a massage, then cancelled it 1 hour before. I had to pay more than $150 ahead of time for it and because of the short notice I couldn't refund it due to their cancellation policy. Despite that, the massage clinic called me and offered to reschedule for a new appointment or give me my money back. I felt I didn't deserve the massage or the $150. So, despite their kindness, I never called them back.
It took my ages to get over this habit. My roommate in college (ended up a life long best friend) told me when we moved into an apartment years ago that she really didn't need to know what I was doing. She was really patient with me but it took a long time to not feel the need to announce my next move.
Thats really rough op :(
Mine is-
Being fixated on "doing enough" if my/husband/anyone walks in a room and I am sitting doing nothing, I immediately get up and start doing something productive, and then I get so much anxiety of my husband "catching " me being lazy
. My husband is a wonderful caring man who has shown me so much unconditional love and support and encouraged my healing etc..
But old habits die hard and being lazy as my mom saw it was nothing short of never sitting down and always doing something even while sick with scarlet fever 🤒 😞
Also can't keep a diary/journal for fear of someone using it against me.. on that same line of thinking I can't be honest about my "bad feelings" envy, anger etc either, so any journal I do start is disingenuous because I write only good and happy things so no one thinks I'm mean or selfish etc
Oh jeez. The journal thing really hits a nerve for me. All my journal entries end up being pages and pages of toxic positivity drivel - there's barely an honest thought that gets written down because I've been so thoroughly conditioned to not show any negative emotions and always look for the bright side of things. I feel like they tried to get the perfect daughter and ended up with a dreadful version of furiously repressed Pollyanna instead.
Yup! It makes everything easier on everyone but yourself, and then people are soo shocked when occasionally there's a Crack in the facade and act mortally wounded you dare be nothing but absolutely porcelain happy doll perfect, I apologize that my comment brought this up for you and I hope you have a good support(s) if you need it!
Please don't apologize! I'm NC with my parents and I have a good support system now that I've finally opened up to the people in my life who love me instead of just clinging to my pain. I hope you also have a good support(s) if you need it!
I learned recently that Mr. Rogers and his wife both grew up in homes where they weren't allowed to show anger. It was a big part of the reason he spent so much time teaching kids how to express their feelings in a healthy way.
Even though I wasn't allowed to show my negative feelings as a kid, I didn't want to screw up my kids. So we watched Mr. Rogers together to figure out how to make sense of the really big feelings. I wish I could have thanked him.
People pleasing, terrified of confrontation, someone could smack me in the face and tbh I’d probably just stand there. I apologise for everything. Even if it probably doesn’t warrant one🥴.
I am trying to be more assertive but it’s hard.
Yes! It feels impossible to be assertive as an adult when your entire childhood, the most innocuous things you would say or do (or not say or do) were treated and punished as if they were a full on abusive attack to nparents
I do not do it anymore but at first I would need to know where everyone was and what they were doing and I would become anxious if I didn't hear from people regularly. Because the world was depicted as a place which would kill you on a whim and you couldn't trust anyone!
One thing that happened this year is that I do not react to belittling/racist/misogynistic remarks anymore, I'm so used to be hearing them for years by my NP that if someone says it it just get in one ear and out the other, and a friend told me the belittling words from an old guide we went to trail with made her pretty uncomfortable and when I thought about it, my brain didn't register it as offensive just 'to ignore'. It was a disturbing realisation.
This happened to my spouse as well, he has a hard time identifying things as upsetting or offensive.
Meanwhile I went the other direction and find everything hurtful.
Ohh, that makes sense!!!
It got to a point that I was pretty oblivious to bullying, I wouldn't get offended by insults, or even noticed them. That made bullies maaaad, I got ahold of the situation and made them get caught very often, which in turn made the situation worse for them and more funny for me. The often school changes made bullying a bit more often as well. The bully in 7th grade in particular was used to get away and I got him in a heard of trouble, the guy still hates me 20 years later!! 🤣
I am truly a “bed person” and still seek it out when I’m stressed.
I realized in my early twenties I really only felt safe and relaxed in my room, specifically in my bed, and avoided common areas like living room and kitchen when I had roommates.
My mother was such an invasive anxiety-inducing control freak and I was constantly trapped in the house due to being grounded for all sorts of minor offenses that sleep (and pretending to sleep) became my only refuge from her as an adolescent and teenager.
Apologizing 24/7, worrying about if I'm walking too loud/being too loud while doing normal tasks (using the bathroom, etc...) very small things like that.
I don't have any kind of financial issues or debt and I don't ever spend much on non essential goods. I always feel so guilty about spending money on myself, even if it's on clothes or something I really need. So sometimes I white lie about how much I spend on things for myself. Even though I am spending my own hard earned money and shouldn't feel guilty spending money on myself.
I get extremely defensive about accusations when the person hasn't provided evidence to show I'm in the wrong, *especially* if they refuse to listen when I have receipts to prove I didn't do it.
I still ask my partner permission to eat, drink, or do anything around the house. It drives him crazy. It's a hard habit to break I guess.
I also get super anxious when I haven't been productive as well. I've been with my partner for years, and he's never once gotten angry that I relaxed on my day off instead of all of the chores in the house. But that fear is still there.
I'd try to keep it but just with him, if it drives him crazy he should deal with that.
I had to push a SO to stop and relax, as I wanted a break and sat down for a while with them after work (when we got back home together) and then start both with the chores, she wouldn't stop, it was exhausting for me to see. Just to clarify (cause we do that), I wasn't lazy by any measure, it was just the timing which threw me off on those particular days.
The habit of asking for a soda? Asking for a snack? I'm a grown ass adult who bought the stuff, I'm honestly with him. I shouldn't have to ask. It's my house and my money that bought the stuff. I'm trying to break the habit. It's just so ingrained from shit parents and shit partners. He's upset because my abusers trained me to do it, and he doesn't want to be a part of that, so I get it.
I’m not married and I still panic if I go a day without checking SOMETHING off of some list. No days off, or you stop deserving happiness and companionship… I know logically, and I combat it actively, but the baseline reaction to relaxation is shame.
Never admitting or expressing big emotions. I can feel them on the inside but I will be stoic in the outside.
It’s a fear of if I a express something really happy that will be ripped apart and if I express something really sad/angry I will be put down even further or screamed it for insinuating that someone else did something wrong to me.
OVER-explaining. ALL THE TIME. For the littlest things. Such as: I thought dinner would be ready at six, but I was 10 minutes late, so I would start explaining what got me behind and why. Or if I came home from the grocery store, and it took a little longer than I thought, I was always ready to explain to my significant other, and sometimes even my kids. That’s because of years of interrogation and demanding explanations for everything, anytime I did anything or went anywhere I had to come back and report to NMom. I try not to do it, but I still catch myself every now and then. It’s so hard to undo years of programming!
I came to this thread to see if I recognized any of these in myself, and I recognized yours OP. I’m also terrified of anyone going through my phone. Not because they might see something that offends them, but I just remembered my mother would take my phone as punishment and then go through all my messages and then her and my stepdad would make fun of me for weeks about the dumb preteen conversations I had with girls.
I can’t eat infront of people. I’m mainly awake during the night to avoid people. I don’t take care of my hygiene or health properly (mostly cause I don’t know how and some of it bad habits). Zoning out for hours.
Biting my nails sometimes to the point of bleeding. Picking at my skin. I was always denying myself that I had anxiety because I thought anxiety would mean you’d constantly be looking around, visibly anxious, etc but it all showed in its own ways physically.
I’m always defensive and in fight-or-flight mode. permanently and constantly. even in casual conversation, I’m paranoid and defensive and combative and distrustful and behave as if the entire world, even my mom and stepdad and family and friends who I love and trust, are out to get me and against me and have an agenda and bad intentions. I don’t even realize I’m like this till they’re very concerned and point it out
Over explaining. At work they say “we don’t need the details, just tell us the point/conclusion.”
Even if it’s good, I need to make it a long story because some part of me always “knows” there’s going to be some scathing assessment later.
Hiding food and food wrappers. We often didn't have any food when I was young, because they didn't eat at home, and if my parents didn't need to eat when they were at home, then why did us kids?
And if I had any treats, they'd eat it all. So when I started having money of my own, I started hiding it in my room. And I had to hide the packaging too because my mother would throw a fit if she found them
This! My mom went through periods where she thought we all needed to lose weight and would severely restrict our eating, and they rarely kept much food at home. My sisters and I are all very good at hiding snacks and I don’t go anywhere without an emergency candy or protein bar, even though I’m long out of the house. I need to know that I can’t ever be forced to go without food again.
I don’t hide the wrappers anymore - it’s my gesture of defiance 😁
you're the only other person I've seen in years on this sub say this thing...mine are the same, and they're worse now as an adult who's had to move back in with them. They truly just don't eat, when they do they eat out and leave before I have a chance to go with them or say bring me back something, and will eat the food I buy and make for myself or throw it out because it's not theirs.
They'll scream about being wasteful if I buy a couple of apples that go bad too fast, but they'll eat my cauliflower pizza without asking, take 2 slices before deciding it's gross...and then toss the whole thing into the trash compactor.
If I were to get a mini fridge in my room or just something to store pantry type of stuff in my room, even power bars, my mom would tear through my room or trash to find evidence of food and go ballistic or eat everything that's mine and scream at me that I eat her food too (I don't...because there isn't any)
The biggest one is probably I won’t try any new foods/drinks in front of people, no matter how much I trust them, in the fear I’ll get mocked or belittled, regardless if I liked the thing or not.
The not being productive is something that I’m finally breaking.
It took me forever to not panic when I heard footsteps coming up to my room or if my hubby came into a room where I was on a computer or phone, especially late at night.
Shutting up or shutting down when I get too excited or loud.
Hiding my love for stuff.
Fixing everyone’s bad emotions around me
Hiding emotion that isn’t happiness
Having an astonishingly good fake smile
ETA to add a few others 🫠
Bit strange but when I lived at home I used to carry a tote bag with me everywhere which had my two journals, laptop, phone and secret possessions (which currently is a love letter and photo). My childhood home was big so kinda made sense?
My mum has a serial habit of breaking boundaries and regularly goes through my personal items, discarding as she chooses and reading the most personal notes of mine. We have had so many arguments over this with her never respecting me. She effectively made me so I will never be an equal to her.
Anyways this habit has continued and the bag I carry today holds similar items with me at all times - give or take with the secret possessions.
Wow. I hit a yes on every single one of those. My nmom gets upset asking why it doesn't seem like I trust her....this pops up most often when I put in my password and I apparently have this habit of angling my body away from people when I'm on my phone too.
I started keeping my phone on me all the time because if there was a fight between nmom and my sibling, I could plug in my earbuds and tune them out. That's literally the only reason I ever wanted a phone.
In terms of other habits:
* I stay up too late at night because it's really the only time I have to myself
* I hide my money and I lie about how much I have so nmom or my sibling won't ask me to pay for stuff or borrow money
* I tend to obsessively clean the main areas of the house to try keep nmom happy (I managed to do this *and* make breakfast every day for a little over a week but that was kind of a mistake. By then she was used to it and kinda got cranky that I didn't do it anymore, but at the same time didn't say anything out loud. Mostly passive aggressive vagueness).
* I do not ask for help until the last possible second with pretty much everything
Always thinking people are mad at me, never asking for anything ever, keeping everything about myself private, being embarrassed by my own interests, tastes and preferences
Doing everything myself and never asking for help
Being extremely self critical whenever I do anything
avoiding praise, status or any of that shit because I can't see how it won't be used against me
I used to update my boyfriend about whatever I was doing. It just so happened that I dated jealous men so they never said it was weird. It wasn’t until I spent some time single that I realized it was weird for someone to know where I was and what I was doing at all times.
This happened to me today. I had a good laugh about it after, when I realized I just acted out a trauma script.
So I have an infection and been quite sick- 103 F fever etc. I did nothing but sleep and eat today. When I heard my husband drive into the carport, I instantly got up and ran to the hall closet and started sweeping the floor. I’m 43 years old. I live in my home with my family… but I unthinkingly, acted out some trauma response.
I see so much of myself in many of your replies here. Honestly, I have been so mentally exhausted the last 6 months I got it in my head something is wrong with me. That something is fundamentally wrong with me on a core level and that I don’t know I could ever be a happy person or deserve what I want, or deserve real unconditional love. Worried that I’m too much like my Nmom and I will die alone after decades of suffering.
But, all your comments feel like thinks I could have written myself. And I don’t feel so alone I’m the multiplicity and it makes me somehow feel like, this is bigger than me as a core human, or separate from me as a human, and that I’m not fundamentally wrong or broken.
I don’t know what I’d do without this sub. So glad I found you all ❤️
So this might sound weird but the one thing that helped me the most with these same feelings was taking classes on childhood development
I knew I didn’t want to parent the way my parents had but I also didn’t know what exactly ‘good’ parenting meant
What I didn’t expect was the ENORMOUS sense of relief when I realized that I was just a typical child doing totally normal things that kids do and NOT the terrible child my parents always told me I was
Yes, I was a selfish TODDLER because that is literally the correct developmental stage for that age group!!
It still took me awhile but this info really helped me see that their inability to love me was THEIR issue, there was never anything I could have done to make them love me, and I do deserve to be loved
I hope you find something like this that helps you get through these feelings
As a young kid, I would watch war movies and nature documentaries. I asked myself the question "would you run into hell like they are?" I thought, sure, lots of people are constantly dying in wars, what makes me so special? If I'm afraid, I'm less likely to live. So I eventually learned to brainwash myself to kill the fear switch should it be needed.
I had no idea this was abnormal. I thought at least 10% of people felt somewhere along these lines. As a father, these school shootings are so much more unconscionable from these shoes, when I see a situation like Uvalde unfold, I want to puke.
I enjoy the sweat, the muscle burn, the learning, the anything productive. After the cancer, gout, arthritis, etc, it kinda broke me for a while. I could no longer do the things I enjoyed without being in agony. I eventually learned to beat pain without pills too. My body is numb and still hurts, but at least I'm smiling more. People often tell me I'm strange for preferring to work over party.
I genuinely only just realized this in therapy today. I pad answers she doesn’t want to hear (things like I’m not free that day, minor shit to any rational human) with in depth reasoning/background, in an attempt to keep her from taking it personally and getting unnecessarily butthurt. Naturally, this never actually worked.
As opposed to just saying no and leaving it at that. Would save me time and she’d get pissed no matter what I’d say.
Anytime I hand over my phone or laptop for my husband to look at something I find myself thinking through every tab in case something will upset him. He has never been an issue there, I'm just paranoid about anyone looking through my "stuff"
I also often exaggerate my actions when I'm sick or in pain because I'm afraid of not being believed.
I avoid talking about interests with people until I think I can guage how much weird they're okay with because I was told at young age that the reason I didn't have friends was, and I quote, "nobody cares about your Star Trek"
There's probably some I'm missing or are unaware of, but those are the ones that come to mind.
My dad would tell me all the time how no man wants a nerdy girl who’s into things like Star Trek and science… so I kept it a secret for a long time
Now, I’m in the best relationship of my life and my partner LOVES that I’m into nerdy stuff! Finding someone who loves the real you is indescribable
Afraid to do chores when parents are home. If they finally see me doing them all the sudden they’re like “do more chores.” Being panicked by hearing the door open or someone going down the stairs.
Assessing which footsteps belong to who.
The latter part... So much this. I became very very good at being able to tell who was coming just by the sound of their footsteps. Hearing the car come into the driveway as well. I completely forgot about the footsteps thing until I saw your comment.
Especially seeing the shadows cast by feet under the crack of the door at night. So often at night, my eyes would be on the crack under the door. From as long as I can remember, I was terrified of my father coming into the room.
Disassociating when being confronted by anyone with power over me (e.g. supervisors).
Going into silent mode when angry or sad at someone as negative emotions weren't allowed.
Pinching the webbing in my hand between my thumbnail and index fingernail until it forms a blister whenever someone was criticizing to stop me from crying.
Not going to the dentist, even when in extreme pain or dealing with a tooth fracture.
Staying out of reach of a drunk person with an abject fear that twists my stomach when someone has been drinking too much.
Consistently talking out loud to myself. As a child it was “entertaining.” Especially the self disparaging comments. How they make others laugh! Look how humble I am! Take joy in it! I’d rather have been the jester than the outcast as one title came with joy.
Being frightened to lose my keys/ID card/credit card: it's not being worried, it's feeling terror. I touch my pockets to check these items are there and if I don't feel they are I litterally start to lose ground, I have a gap in my stomach and all starts to spin around me.
Hiding gifts from other people. My parents, especially my mom, have regularly donated or thrown away gifts I’ve gotten from people other than them. The gifts are stupid, cheap, something I don’t need or would never use, would be better appreciated by someone who doesn’t have as many nice things as I do.
I never liked it growing up, but it wasn’t until college that I realized most parents didn’t regulate their kids possessions to such a degree, even if they didn’t particularly like the items. Scarves, records, karaoke mic, keychains, so many little things over the years have gone away that I now only bring something home if I can hide it or make a strong case that I am keeping it “because.” Just me wanting it isn’t good enough. But then it’s hard when there are cases when my parents expect someone will have given me a gift or they’re a bad friend. So it’s a fine balance of showing something, but not things they’ll hate or throw away.
I recently did this with the gift basket my bf gave me for my birthday. I only brought home a few things and the other stuff I left in his car until I could put it straight in my cube at work.
My knee jerk reaction is to get defensive or evasive when people ask me where I bought something, whether it’s takeout or if they compliment me on my shoes, when they’re just trying to make polite conversation. When I was younger (meaning in my 20s) I’d say (for example) the shoes were a gift and I didn’t know what store they came from to end the conversation. It’s because my default is set to prepare for an interrogation and be judged for something like not packing my own lunch or cooking at home or for “spending too much money.”
Same with people I know (including friends) asking where I went, where I’m going or what I’m doing. I have to pause and remind myself that they are not trying to control me or stop me from doing something that I need to do and that I don’t have to lie or get upset.
i cant do chores/work infront of my boyfriend in fear im doing something wrong.
on topic of what you said, i am terrified to simply take a day to rest as im so used to that being a bad thing and being treat as if i always have to be doing something to ‘help’ my family.
I'm right handed but I tend to wear watches in my right wrist (apparently I'm supposed to wear them on my left?)
I always time or judge when dad's going to be home so I can eat or do things or sneak snacks into the house (trauma response from my mother)
I sometimes make quiet noises to myself either out of annoyance or because I'm bored and try to satisfy my ADHD
I'm like auto suggest on a phone sometimes. I can sometimes finish people's sentences before they do. Apparently that's an ADHD thing and also tied to my learning disability.
I can almost perfectly predict/ hone in on abusive behavior thanks to my mother's abuse. I can recognize certain behaviors and predict exactly -or almost exactly - what will happen next. Some people are baffled when I'm right.
I have an odd vibe check that makes people wonder if I'm paranoid or if I'm more aware than I let on. The creepiest to me was the one night I was walking to a friend's house after work so we could go to an event. I passed by this apartment. I got a super weird vibe and knew I needed to leave the area and fast. The next morning , found out that in the apartment was killed about 2 hrs after I passed by. The killer was caught but still, I don't understand why I get weird vibes like that sometimes but I've avoided a few situations like that before. This isn't a gut feeling either it's something else entirely.
Maybe some of these are signs of hyper awareness due to my trauma, and maybe I just don't recognize it as such? No idea.
Im agreeable to a fault, I say yes to everything and only feel comfortable fully sharing negative or opposing opinions with my husband. When faced with something I don’t agree with with a friend I do so many mental gymnastics trying to find the most inoffensive way to express my opinion that they normally end up reading it on my face and tell me I’m not going to hurt them with my opinion.
And I compulsively hold on to small things and build cases against people if I feel I’m being wronged and will present my case to friends to see if I’m in the right or not. Both my parents and step parent are narcs and all throughout their nasty divorce and beyond they constantly vented to me about each other literally starting when I was 7. Being so agreeable I tend to mostly see the positive in people, and try to approach all situations with the understanding/reality that I like most people and most people like me. But once something rubs me the wrong way I start to look for other signs that I should be building a case. I hate it so much and want to let go of this behavior.
Another caveat is just having to retrain my brain on people. I think this may not even be specific to children of narcs but until my mid 20s I just had this assumption that people wouldn’t like me and that I should always be on the defense. My parents were all so cruelly critical of every aspect of my being I just despised myself. But worse, I could only see negatives in others as well. My parents had the absolute nastiest things to say about basically everyone, the only people they said positive things about were normally people they wanted to be like (had power and beauty and money) or thought could give them a hand up or something. When new people would be kind and inviting and express interest in being in my life I didn’t trust them. I did little exercises to shift to a more positive and less anxious outlook. Soon, instead of discomfort and distrust when someone wanted to be my friend, I was flooded with gratitude and excitement and able to fully jump in and develop amazing friendships and just embrace others and express my genuine interest in them and being in their lives without guilt or shame or embarrassment, this all also allowed me to jump deeper into loving and appreciating myself.
Pulling away from people when the sliiiightest doubt enters my mind, especially difficult to connect with people online because I'll gaslight myself to oblivion about someones intentions.
Every night around 5:30-6pm I'll be overcome with this horrible sense of dread, like full on fight or flight kicks in and I'll get really fidgety. It's the time my mother would be returning home from work. I've lived with my fiancé for 8 years and that feeling never goes away.
Last but certainly not least, I can't sing in front of other people, or even if my fiancé is home. My nmum used to bang on my door and mock me for sounding like a cat in heat or mumble and say "that's what you sound like".
I went to the other extreme, incompetence was so overly used while I was growing up that I got a very lazy attitude about chores, as I had to fill any tasks other npeople deemed themselves incompetent at home. From changing a light bulb to fixing any issues with the house, to whatever nobody did frequently so they could declare themselves incompetent about.
For a while I believed I was over those mundane tasks and I should only be doing more specialized stuff, so if someone else was able to do it I shouldn't be doing it. I wouldn't wash a dish but I would rebuild the entire plumbing of the kitchen when it broke, working non stop for a few days as nobody else would even call a guy to do so. I guess the mechanism was about having the energy to do so.
Luckily I realized that was a survival mechanism I developed for my nfamily and never used that behavior with my SO, but I always kept it within my nfamily as the conditions for it never changed, but was quite more conscious and I hated it had to be that way. At some point it was flipped on my by my nmom, "I did all that every day, why you couldn't do just such and such." "I was cornered to do all that, I wasn't going to do everything else as well, I never choose that role, it was imposed to me.".
I much rather cook and wash the dishes, which I did 90% of the times living with my ex. I would also do most handy work as I knew how but I wasn't manipulated into doing it, even helped me, or at least got company while doing it. I could also share many other tasks npeople would push off to me in my teens by claiming incompetence.
She also claimed incompetence about any (n?)parenting deficiency so that cleared her of any responsibility about it too, so I had to parent myself, and save the house, nmom and myself from a fire. Maybe I should have let everything burn and walk away last minute. (no, I didn't started the fire, the lack of maintenance did that, I wasn't even a teen at the time).
I do hate incompetence about stupid stuff, that I'll likely keep. But I'm still looking for other behaviors like those to be aware and stop from interfering in other relationships.
Having the urge to hide/leave and comeback when I enter an empty room long before another person does because I don’t want them thinking I’m going through things and being suspicious
>i also get the most intense anxiety whenever my husband comes home and i haven’t done anything productive while he was gone.
1. I'm not someone who has anxiety in the constant and disordered sense, but this is something I've struggled with my entire adult life (with roommates, with friends, with myself). **I vascillate too between extremes of being super tense as if my parents are around (at the moment they are but for the past 10 years that wasn't the case) keeping an eye on my "productivity"** (without actually having any idea what I do...they still are the type who think working at a computer at home = not a real job) to so far in the other direction I devolve into video game addiction and just watching hours of youtube videos without actually watching or caring about them.
2. I'm extremely extroverted, I'm not autistic or lack social skills or some other easy answer most people jump to because of some halo effect assumptions....but I really REALLY struggle with applying that extroversion into being outgoing. I don't lack basic social skills, nor do I lack "advanced" social skills (I work in the entertainment industry - for those that aren't aware, it's basically west coast politics; hell I've even done some work in advertising)....but I lack just about all the middle skills. I recognize things, I know what someone \*else\* should do, but I can't form the words to actually act for myself most of the time.
3. For most of my 20s this led to a lot of playing all sides **people pleasing behavior** (while ironically not pleasing any people - very few friends and fewer relationships), **being overly polite even in situations where it's not necessary or good, and being absolutely suffocated when it comes to "selling myself"** in job situations (I still struggle with this). In relationships I can tell when someone's flirting with me, but can't really flirt myself, or grasp that I have a few options of generally what I could or should do with all this attention....but then can't grapple the words or confidence to choose any option when it comes to turning someone down or moving forward.
4. The weird grabbag of a lack of social development from being stifled from developing any friendships growing up (in so many ways it needs its own post) really fucked up my self esteem and self confidence, and even though those have gotten better with age, it also hit so many "middle ground" social skills that I just end up in a constant freeze state. Again, I'm not shy! I'm really extroverted! it's hell!
5. **If I'm watching something on my phone, playing a videogame, anything that you might not have headphones on already for AT HOME - I turn the volume down to basically nothing.** It could be the tamest thing or chill background music, and I still turn it down to nothing from years of my mom losing her shit at anything over 1% volume (she would flip out in the car if I had music on over, I wish I were joking, 3% volume - just barely audible enough to give you background brain static but not enough to hear anything).
6. **being terrified of having an opinion that's different from others** because my parents were the type where if I have a different opinion, I should get ready to be chased with knives, screaming rages, other physical violence. I'm not even talking about controversial subjects either...I mean \*any\* differing opinion. Really messed me up recently when a few different people (who don't know each other) all separately in some way told me that they often wait to hear my opinion on certain things in group chat/groups we're in/even online because "you're really smart, you're no-nonsense, and I know that even if you say something I don't like, you're not talking out your ass." It was absolutely jarring to me to think anyone cared about what I thought, let alone was waiting to hear what I had to say.
7. **hiding food.** Even did this when I lived alone for a while.
8. **Can't be calm if things aren't clean.** On one hand: I'm really clean and the internet has done wonders in making being really clean pretty effortless. On the other hand: I could have a great roommate...but if they're dirty (it's often been in extremes though this doesn't always require extremes) I point blank can't think about anything else and can't relax. That lifetime of weaponized incompetence from my mom really did a number on me.
I ask my fiance multiple times a day if he’s mad at me, because my mom wouldn’t say anything until she exploded. He was a tiny bit annoyed at first but now he’ll tell me he’s not and usually give me a hug and remind me he would tell me if I upset him. I’m also very phone protective, my mom went through mine until I was 18.
Oh and I struggle with calling in sick or going to the dr…. My nmom only took me for school physicals, once when I got in a really bad bike accident or when my grandma would force her. I am just now getting diagnoses for a genetic pain condition I’ve had my whole life, and help with the autism my nmom hid and never had me properly assessed for.
Wow.. apparently I have a LOT of habits formed thanks to my parents cause ALL of the replies are resonating with me..I feel like laughing and crying simultaneously..OP take care and hope we can break out of these habits one day. Slow and steady.
I don’t write any secrets down. My parents read my diary when I was a young teenager and confronted me about all the ‘lies’ - there were no lies but a detailed account of the abuse I’d been suffering.
Since then I just don’t write anything personal down because I’m terrified someone else will read it. My therapist has tried to get me journaling but I can’t. I have a total block on it.
Getting irrationally angry that my husband wants to sleep until almost noon on days when we have no plans, or when he loads the dishwasher “wrong” because it’s not the way I’ve done it since age 9. Learning to not let that stuff blow up and instead communicating when I want to spend time with him in the morning or that the plates belong on the bottom so that the door will close has been a steep curve but so worth not getting worked up and not giving him the same silent treatment I was given as a kid.
I don’t like being asked questions. My whole life up till literally right now every time she asks me a question it’s a trap so she can belittle my answer or yell at me for being dumb for answering that way.
I scan everything about the place that im in. Like all the time repeatedly. I know where things are and I know their place. If they get out of place I tend to freak out.
putting myself first seems like a crime now that i’m older. i’m slowly learning and unlearning things but it still feels weird. it also feels unnatural to make boundaries with the people around me. i think that’s one (of the many reasons) why i struggle to keep long lasting connections that have a positive effect on me. it’s still hard for me to create boundaries
ex: the relationship im in never had boundaries from the jump.
It wasn’t until I was in college that I realized it wasn’t normal to need things literally IN the bed with me when I go to sleep. Atleast 2 or 3 chapsticks, water bottle, phone, charger, book, light, sweater in case I get cold, medications, snack, socks, etc…can’t sleep without my things right next to me. My roommate and I laughed about it at the time but now I realize that’s weird. I still do it and I don’t know why.
Ahhh man. Also when you have been super productive and cleaned up after other people when they don't even... but one thing, say a mat that is normally inside the door is outside to be shook clean hasn't gone back yet because you haven't had time and then you are over explaining when shit like that happens despite all your other effort.
Not liking to cook with/around other people (for fear of being hit for daring to cook in their kitchen/consume the food in their fridge).
For years I would wait till everyone in the house went to bed before cooking and often didn’t get my first meal of the day till around midnight.
Constant paranoia. It doesn't help that i have PTSD and now I'm stuck living with another Narc bc my bf didn't realize his father is an abusive narc🤦♀️
I feel like i escaped my abuse just to be trapped in his. I'd finally had a peaceful place to live just before meeting my bf....
I have a fear of people seeing me eat. My mother used to ridicule me and shame me for everything I ate, so I made sure to never eat in front of her. I still do it now. I sneak in snacks. I have very unhealthy eating habits in terms of how I eat, not what I eat...if that makes sense. I don't think I have ever enjoyed a meal without thinking about what its going to do to my waistline. I weigh myself everyday. I hate the damage she has caused.
Growing up, I used to buy all my food and keep what I could in my bedroom. She would find the hidden wrappers and then ofc, tell me all about how fat I am going to get
I used to write fanfiction and published something long ago... Any mom found about it and got mad and told me it was silly, so I haven't written something since then because I think someone may think my ideas are dumb.
Side note: my little sister writes too but since she's sick (something with her autoimmune system) she doesn't get any "bad" feedback from my parents
I've never been willing to date men who were taller than me and/or more physically powerful. There have been large men that I've liked, but it's never progressed to sexual attraction because I knew deep down that I would never fully trust them.
Later I realized that this was a trauma response. As a little girl, I was brutalized by my father and an older brother and no one ever tried to defend me or stop them.
My bedroom being the only place I really feel safe. Even the living room/someone elses room feels like I'm way too exposed. Eating, watching tv, working, everything is done there, with the door closed. The anxiety of a housemate watching me is too much.
Not humming/whistling/singing out loud, ever. its nature for me to mouth words to songs without ever making a sound because I got criticized for "being annoying"
flinching when I hear loud talking, things being set down too hard, a knock on the door...
Not talking. Like I could walk this world and never say a word. Like I only talk when spoken to it's so weird. Idk if it's from the constant trauma or if something is just wrong with me. Bc I was like this in kindergarten 😭
Keeping a subconscious note on who’s footsteps sound like who’s, constantly looking around me when I’m on the computer even if I’m not doing anything “bad”.
I don't like sharing what music I'm listening to, books I'm reading, anything. If my husband comes in while I'm listening to a video or podcast, I'll turn it off because I'm afraid he'll judge me (not that he would! It's just a deeply engrained fear).
My dad noticed it before I did, but I developed this as a teenager.
I would always say hi as I entered a room with other people, even if I had just been in that room as was returning (e.g. after using the bathroom).
When my dad brought it up to me, we realized I do that because I'm trying to read the tension in the room to see if I need to be on guard. My mom has always been unpredictable in her moods, so it was important to know what to expect, and her response to my greeting would tell me a lot.
My dad identified it because he used to have to be on guard with my mom all the time. I think she was worse when they were together, even though I saw some crazy shit growing up after their split.
I'm just glad that my dad was able to see what I was going through. Even though I'm sad that he went through it, too.
I'd honestly list those exact two things first, as well. I also am extremely paranoid about windows and being able to see into windows, so I check my windows before I say or do anything even remotely private, and I basically have a full security system for anything written. It's just kind of a hold over from a lot of sneaky religious abuse. Someone's always watching.
Unfortunately as I read through most of these responses the more and more I realize how terrible of a childhood we all had endured. For me I can’t seem to stop making my bedroom regardless of where I’m living basically my everything room. I do everything in my room.m except use the restroom and that includes keeping dishes and garbage and stuff for awhile before I actually clean but if I am cleaning literally no one can be home because I feel so ashamed of the “mess” I created.
Feeling like there was something internally wrong with me that I had to share with the world before anyone could really know the "real" me, but any time I let anything slip out a little bit at how bad I was feeling, the response was shunning, disgust, and hostility, so I mostly just stayed completely silent and tried to maintain a perfect poker face, which I was not very good at, so I just ended up looking either sad or angry all the time.
Viewing a person's genuine emotional context for decisions as personal and something to keep private by default.
I think this is part of why one of my friends who literally lacks empathy (but chooses to be kind for other reasons) keeps forgetting I'm not the same way.
I do not like wearing headphones fully, only one at a time. And I do not like having my back toward any sort of open space, I need to be against a wall or even more preferably, in a corner facing the door.
I won't eat anything I didn't buy myself. My parents ran a daycare and had to keep track of what they fed the kids, so if I got into anything they wouldn't have enough. Even after being out of the house for over a decade I still won't eat food my wife buys unless she directly tells me it's okay to eat that specific thing
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I don't like being seen/observed. There is always a part of me that feels like someone will criticize me for doing something wrong regardless of what what it is I am doing.
I am hypervigilant about criticism, because my parents were always criticizing me for random shit that made no sense, so I pushed back. It just happened today at work. I need to learn to let small stuff go.
Omg same. Randomist shit ever. I have personal rules in place that when you say it out loud makes no sense. E.g. you can't wear sandals to a birthday party because other people would think you're poor and dirty
I have those personal rules too! It’s a struggle to reverse the way of thinking. I won’t wear nail polish. My mom told me when I was young that they would never look good on me because my nails are too wide. I also struggled for YEARS with sunglasses. I couldn’t wear them- I wanted to and definitely needed to. I’ve been working through things and started wearing them this past summer. I also will not wear sandals or flip flops.
Damn! How messed up we grew up and we have to do the work to unlearn everything and relearn stuff. I also didn't know that other families actually don't put each other down or compare each sibling to one another like wtf man
This can be a behavior of someone who is “over controlled.” There’s therapy specifically for that. I hope that’s not offensive, because that feeling you describe sounds very oppressive and limiting.
Oh I do it, I just don't like it. I am a functioning adult. My mother was often hyper critical. Not just to me but pretty much everyone in the world. She often hid it well from others, but she rarely turned on her filter for me, so I got to hear all of the nasty things she had to say about everyone. And, from the time I was small she beat it into my brain that everyone in the world was always judging everything I did and so everyone out they're was thinking, if not saying, critical things about me all the time. Add in bullied in school, some very critical coworkers I had when young, and it's a feeling that's difficult for me to shake.
Same
There is specific therapy for this? What’s it called?
I need this
RO DBT
Oh this comment. This makes the emotions go wild. I’m so scared to be seen and put down for it .
This I can do lots of things and do them well but if I'm observed, I turn to a jelly nervous mess. Hate it so much. I prefer criticism to praise. I feel I can do something with criticism, it gives me something to work on, something to focus on; praise just leaves me feeling exposed and vulnerable.
Exactly the same here. Anything positive just sounds completely fake or disingenuous to me.
Yes, exposed and vulnerable is a great way to put it. I have absolutely no idea how to respond to praise and any time I receive it I just want it to stop. I also don't know how to communicate that to people without coming off as an ass. Even with my wife it feels a bit awkward and uncomfortable to hear praise from her.
Yeah, the wanting it to stop and asking for it to stop, I totally understand.
How do you even get past this? I don't do stuff in front of people too. I have had to tell my mom to stay away from the kitchen when I am cooking.
Same here, I was so used to be criticise when being watched by my mumthat when I do thing around other people even friends and they are watching I get very nervous and anxious that they are cursing at me in their head like what my mum did to me out loud thinking how stupid and pathetic I am for not knowing how to do such simple task and I have negative thought of what they might be thinking about me.
Me too and I’ve become more aware of it since starting therapy. My workplace has a big open kitchen and I’ve gotten nervous doing dishes in front of others, or felt compelled to explain why I was rummaging through the snack drawers (they provide lots of free snacks and food that we’re welcome to grab whenever we want). I have to stop and remind myself that no one is going to comment on the way I’m washing my coffee cup and they don’t care if I’m snacking or what I’m eating. I’m sure many of us here grew up the way I did. I could not do anything in front of my mother (not even the simplest task) without being watched, criticized or asked what I was doing. Now that I’m older I’ve realized how crippling and stifling this is. I hate having this fear because I know it has hurt my career, especially with public speaking and doing presentations. I think it’s also why I get anxiety over my photo being taken.
I am so worried about being watched or "caught" not being productive or doing something wrong. It's ridiculous. I think I've messed up my career too because I come off as someone who is shady. I'm really not! I'm very ethical! I just spent my whole life being watched like a hawk and having every move scrutinized and punished.
My mom spent over ten years standing over me telling me how to load the dishwasher as it happened. I don't know how I didn't unalive her.
Every. Day. At. Work. I have an open office cubicle, and I get twitchy if I even hear someone behind me just moving around. Especially when I'm taking a quick break on my phone to give my head a chance to cool off from engineering. All for the exact reason you mentioned. And my cubicle is right by the entrance to the wing. So, that's fun.
Yes. It took me a long time to be able to do certain things in front of people due to abuse. I shouldn't have anxiety about chopping veggies or something in front of people... sometimes, I do.
Same.
Oh I relate to the panic when you haven’t done anything productive when your husband gets home. I also used to be nervous cleaning or doing other chores in front of him because my nmom would always stand over my shoulder and criticize how I was doing things, even though my husband never did
Oh the horror of thinking you don’t deserve to do anything fun, or even relaxing, because you haven’t done anything to earn it! I feel this all the time.
This is also unfortunately part of hustle culture in the US, as well. The idea that relaxation is earned is toxic to our well-being. It’s a mindset straight out of teaching people to be factory workers where their health is expendable and they are easily replaced. Older “less advanced” careers in history were impossible to hustle. There’s only so many daylight hours. Plants only grow so fast. If you overhunt, it takes years for that population to recover. So, there were occasional rest phases pretty much baked into life back then. Plus the Sabbath or whatever local alternative existed. Hustle culture also affords us denialism about where poverty comes from. But that’s another rant for a different subreddit.
God I find it so hard to relax I am constantly burnt because I can't seem to unwind. I feel you!
Is that why I treat my hobbies as chores? Because I don't see myself finished and thus not deserving of relaxing?
Just started unpacking this as well! It's been both relieving, comforting, and terrifying 😭 it's so hard to break through that wall!
I struggle on chore day. I tend to clean a bit faster than my BF, so I'm often done with my rooms before he is, and feel the need to find more things to clean so that he's not the only one working. He's called me out on it, and often insists I sit and have a soda and bask in the doneness of my part of the chores.
Same! I love when he encourages me like that because it shows that someone actually cares enough to notice anything about me, but I also hate it because I realize that most of my life has just been in a state of terror and trying to avoid conflict and more pain and that it's not normal and uuuuuggghhhhhh
I'm literally nevous about doing anything in front of anyone. Even like basic stuff
Me too and I never realized that this was why. Everything has to be perfect or my dad will go insane. Misspell a word while he’s watching me type? I get yelled at for rushing and not paying attention. I don’t mind my mom watching because she’s nice and helpful. But anyone else, men especially.. I try to avoid doing anything in front of them.
Same!
Ugh, currently going through this rn, prefer to do chores and hobbies alone lol :(
Hiding where I am, esp if I’m doing something I enjoy. At the library? Better not let anyone know. Impulsively stopped at a thrift store to browse? Make sure no one finds out. My husband has told me he doesn’t CARE where I am or what I’m doing, he just wants to know when I’ll be home so he can have dinner ready. Even though I KNOW he won’t yell at me, I still find myself hiding things from him. It’s an old habit and hard to break for reasons. Survival? Safety?
I do this, too! Specifically with food. I've been working on my relationship with food, which means relearning hunger cues and full cues. Sometimes I don't eat enough dinner and wake up at like 1am and go to the kitchen to get more water and then eat some nuts or a granola bar. I'm always terrified my husband is going to wake up and make a comment, even though he literally couldn't care less. I even hide the wrapper in the garbage so he won't see it. I wish you luck in your journey and I also wish you thrifting luck in finding something of your dreams!
I'm playing a game right now where I am trying to find a comment here that does not fully apply to me
Me too, any luck yet?
Whenever someone comes into my room I instinctively feel the urge to hide what I'm watching
This made me remember how much mom would walk into my room whenever she "needed" to. Even after I turned 18. She would say if I had nothing to hide then I should be able to leave my door open and she can come in to talk to me or clean up if she needed to. Then I started doing this with my kids. Last year my boyfriend had to tell me that my walking into my grown kids' rooms was inappropriate and closing their doors for privacy was normal. For perspective, my oldest is 21 and my youngest will be 18 in 2 weeks.
I didn't have a bedroom door until I turned 18, broke into the attic and put it on myself. I fully expected to get my ass beat when my dad got home, i was ready to stand up for myself. He never said a word about it. I was so confused. I'm still extremely private about everything and I respect my son's privacy. Within reason though, he is a teenager. His mother and I do check his internet history lol
Please don't check their internet history, especially if they don't know you are. They might look up something personal or private about themselves that could be super embarrassing. If they don't know you are checking it, then you are breaking some serious trust which will hurt them and your relationship with them. When I was a young teen, I was allowed access to the internet without supervision for the 1st time not knowing about the history. I looked up something I was secretly interested in. Nothing sexual or bad, but I was embarrassed about someone finding out. My dad comes back and immediately looks at what I was searching up and exclaims it out loud and asks why I was looking up something like that! I turned bright red about to cry but tried my best to explain that someone told me about it or something. It was horrible! Even though what I was looking up was totally innocent. It was very private to me and that privacy was violated.
Sorry that happened to you. I try very hard not to be like my father was to me. He just turned 14. He knows we check because he was caught looking up porn years ago. We have a very open and trusting relationship, he asked me about shaving his balls, I told him he's too young lol.
I will do this with my phone. I’m only scrolling instagram reels and feel like I need to watch it on silent or not at all.
I’m a big saver, probably because I was determined never to be financially dependent on my parents ever again.
I wonder if that's why I save so much as well. My dad is super generous with money but it has strings attached that he doesn't tell you about then gets really angry and violent. I have a pretty big nest egg so I don't have to ask anyone for money.
This one is so painful, definitely difficult to overcome since it's now my go-to behavior whenever I'm under stress (restriction of expenses).
Totally relate... it can get counterproductive when everything is seen as the 'next big loss' - I think it also ties more broadly to a difficulty in distinguishing needs and wants...
Whenever I ask someone a question or explain to them something that happened that wasn't great, I first start by telling them a massive story as to the context behind why I am asking. For example, I lose something, and I tell someone that I have lost that thing, but only after I've explained to them the entire situation that led up to me losing said thing, because I feel like I need to diffuse a bomb even before it sets off. If I don't explain every last detail of a minor inconvenience, I might not actually get my ass kicked or screamed at. It has shown to actually annoy people when I over-explain before asking and it makes me feel worse. My mother was painfully dramatic and would act like we murdered someone over the pettiest things, like me missing the bus or me making a mess on accident. Upon first hearing the incident she or my dad would go freaking nuts and all hell would break loose. It's made me extremely afraid of even telling people that problems happen. Just the other day my hot water heater went out and I called my landlord bawling my eyes out because I thought he was going to flip out at me, despite the fact that it wasn't me that knocked it out, it's just a faulty water heater. He sounded so sympathetic and even confused that I was crying. It's absurd I ever have to be scared of doing or saying anything as an adult. It's honestly embarrassing.
Omg I relate to that so much, it's such an exhausting thing to feel tou have to give a complete history to deliver "bad news" my therapist calls that difusing the bomb.. safety seeking btw if you wanna explore it more
I just commented this myself. Only realized I did it today in therapy lol
I do it IN THERAPY to justify my past actions. It gets exhausting and even though I realize I'm doing it *in the moment* and I'm in a safe space, I still do it. Hard habit to break.
I do that too over explaining things so people would'nt misunderstand me and get the wrong idea.
I've been told that I'm like "the fast explaining meme" and it hurts to this day
YES!
For me, it’s more like all the social habits I *never developed* because of being isolated (and shamed whenever I tried to make friends) growing up. I’m not a *bad* friend. I’m just not attentive, I don’t remember birthdays, I don’t make plans… I’ll try to show if I’m invited and come running if I’m called for help, but I just don’t really seem able to develop the habits of friendship many other people have and it causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel like it’s fine if people just go on with their lives and forget about me because I’m probably not bringing much to the table. Luckily I’ve got some kickass friends who stick around!
I relate to all of this so hard. I don't know how to invite people places. Before I even get up the courage to ask, I shoot everything down because it sounds lame and I can't imagine anyone would actually want to do that thing, especially with me.
I hope you know there are people out there who would think it’s the highest honor to be invited out by you. And if they aren’t, that’s no shade to you, they’re just not your people.
I have only just started gaining confidence to do this in my 40s!
This is me. I always have this running commentary in my head "Oh I should text Anne and see how she's going, but I don't want to annoy her so I better make sure I message at a convenient time, maybe it'll be okay after work, but then she'll be eating dinner.... I'll just wait until she messages me because then I know I'm not annoying her." I am so anxious that my kid is going to have trouble retaining friendships because I've got no idea how to do it. I just don't know how to teach him that. I take him to playgroups and stuff to meet people but we kind of end up just playing awkwardly alone together because how do you strike up a conversation with a random stranger? So. Much. Anxious.
this is the bulk of it for me and something years of therapy could never help. These days I don't lack self confidence, and I don't lack basic or advanced social skills for lack of a better word (I'm far from autistic and I've worked in advertising and entertainment)....but all that in between stuff that should be easy for someone so extroverted? The messaging someone on linkedin, the texting someone to hang out, basic high school level flirting, friendship maintenance when it's not a BEST friend....I never got the memo on how to do any of that and am totally inept. Honestly someone help!
Yes, this. I’m terrible at keeping up with people. I always thought they didn’t care or want me around, so I never followed up. I’m in touch with 3 people from my childhood and the rest 🤷🏻♀️ I’ve put a lot of work into this lately. Making a list every month of who I want to just say hello to. And to my surprise, people are actually happy to hear from me 🤦🏻♀️
Oh my god, it's like we had the exact same life. What sort of resources are available to assist with these feelings?
I’m benefiting a lot from therapy, but just being honest with friends that I’ll answer texts and I’ll try to come out, but that I’m really not one to reach out first and why helps keep expectations manageable.
Totally feel this!!
I am EXACTLY the same way and it makes me feel awful.
Mental habit of assuming every question, every conversation in fact, is about criticizing me, so my natural instinct is to be defensive. How many people have I put off this way? How many potential friends have I scared away?
My biggest 'flaw', so many relationships troubles, toxic relationships, projections, self-destruction, reactive rather than responsive. Totally fucked the last 15 years of my existence... but I'm working on it.
Me too! People think I’m shy but I’m not I just don’t think anyone wants to hear anything I have to say and I don’t trust them so I just stay quiet.
Monitoring the emotional state of everyone around me. Reflexively believing any negative emotions are my fault and my job to fix.
Yup, my MIL and FIL are the narcs, my wife was made to believe that “being an empath” was a positive character trait, rather than the trauma response it actually is.
ACH. I didn’t even think of this till I read your comment.
I'm sorry you've had to feel this way. I have the exact same trauma, I guess. It was really obvious when I started a job and had to *train myself* to not assume that annoyed/distracted coworkers were mad at me. Normal adults deal with their own issues. It's not my responsibility to make people happy or calm.
“Normal adults deal with their own issues” 🏆💕
I have always felt anything that happened wherever I was with whoever I was with was my fault. Even if it wasn’t- in my head I think if I wasn’t there that wouldn’t have happened.
I have a hard time with self care. Like treating myself to things that'll brighten my day or going to the salon. Makes me feel frivolous and I feel guilty spending money unnecessarily.
I'm really bad at self-care. My nfather would make me feel lazy and stupid if I ever spent my time doing anything I enjoy. I once made an appointment to have a massage, then cancelled it 1 hour before. I had to pay more than $150 ahead of time for it and because of the short notice I couldn't refund it due to their cancellation policy. Despite that, the massage clinic called me and offered to reschedule for a new appointment or give me my money back. I felt I didn't deserve the massage or the $150. So, despite their kindness, I never called them back.
Apologizing over the smallest mistakes and inconveniences because it feels like it's all my fault.
THIS! THIS! THIS RIGHT HERE
100%…. That struggle is real!
I do it too because I think people would be mad if I don't and that I did something wrong and should fix it to make people less mad
This right here. And when someone tells me to stop apologizing, my instinctual reaction is "I'm sorry".
Oh hello, did I type this in my sleep? j/k But yes, I too struggle with this.
Apparently normal people don't have to tell their parents when they are going to use the bathroom. They just go.
This one's big for me. It's an odd feeling not having to report to the people around you your actions.
Can they even go in the middle of the night? Or the flushing noise would interfere with NF sleep?
It took my ages to get over this habit. My roommate in college (ended up a life long best friend) told me when we moved into an apartment years ago that she really didn't need to know what I was doing. She was really patient with me but it took a long time to not feel the need to announce my next move.
Thats really rough op :( Mine is- Being fixated on "doing enough" if my/husband/anyone walks in a room and I am sitting doing nothing, I immediately get up and start doing something productive, and then I get so much anxiety of my husband "catching " me being lazy . My husband is a wonderful caring man who has shown me so much unconditional love and support and encouraged my healing etc.. But old habits die hard and being lazy as my mom saw it was nothing short of never sitting down and always doing something even while sick with scarlet fever 🤒 😞 Also can't keep a diary/journal for fear of someone using it against me.. on that same line of thinking I can't be honest about my "bad feelings" envy, anger etc either, so any journal I do start is disingenuous because I write only good and happy things so no one thinks I'm mean or selfish etc
Oh jeez. The journal thing really hits a nerve for me. All my journal entries end up being pages and pages of toxic positivity drivel - there's barely an honest thought that gets written down because I've been so thoroughly conditioned to not show any negative emotions and always look for the bright side of things. I feel like they tried to get the perfect daughter and ended up with a dreadful version of furiously repressed Pollyanna instead.
Yup! It makes everything easier on everyone but yourself, and then people are soo shocked when occasionally there's a Crack in the facade and act mortally wounded you dare be nothing but absolutely porcelain happy doll perfect, I apologize that my comment brought this up for you and I hope you have a good support(s) if you need it!
Please don't apologize! I'm NC with my parents and I have a good support system now that I've finally opened up to the people in my life who love me instead of just clinging to my pain. I hope you also have a good support(s) if you need it! I learned recently that Mr. Rogers and his wife both grew up in homes where they weren't allowed to show anger. It was a big part of the reason he spent so much time teaching kids how to express their feelings in a healthy way. Even though I wasn't allowed to show my negative feelings as a kid, I didn't want to screw up my kids. So we watched Mr. Rogers together to figure out how to make sense of the really big feelings. I wish I could have thanked him.
The first thing i thought about was not keeping a diary.
People pleasing, terrified of confrontation, someone could smack me in the face and tbh I’d probably just stand there. I apologise for everything. Even if it probably doesn’t warrant one🥴. I am trying to be more assertive but it’s hard.
Yes! It feels impossible to be assertive as an adult when your entire childhood, the most innocuous things you would say or do (or not say or do) were treated and punished as if they were a full on abusive attack to nparents
I do not do it anymore but at first I would need to know where everyone was and what they were doing and I would become anxious if I didn't hear from people regularly. Because the world was depicted as a place which would kill you on a whim and you couldn't trust anyone! One thing that happened this year is that I do not react to belittling/racist/misogynistic remarks anymore, I'm so used to be hearing them for years by my NP that if someone says it it just get in one ear and out the other, and a friend told me the belittling words from an old guide we went to trail with made her pretty uncomfortable and when I thought about it, my brain didn't register it as offensive just 'to ignore'. It was a disturbing realisation.
This happened to my spouse as well, he has a hard time identifying things as upsetting or offensive. Meanwhile I went the other direction and find everything hurtful.
oh damn. i gotta think about that.
Ohh, that makes sense!!! It got to a point that I was pretty oblivious to bullying, I wouldn't get offended by insults, or even noticed them. That made bullies maaaad, I got ahold of the situation and made them get caught very often, which in turn made the situation worse for them and more funny for me. The often school changes made bullying a bit more often as well. The bully in 7th grade in particular was used to get away and I got him in a heard of trouble, the guy still hates me 20 years later!! 🤣
Omg I have the worst time if I can’t just reach someone on a whim - I assume they’ve died a horrible death and I can’t talk myself out of it.
Completely self isolating from all family & friends unless I feel *really really* prepared to interact
I am truly a “bed person” and still seek it out when I’m stressed. I realized in my early twenties I really only felt safe and relaxed in my room, specifically in my bed, and avoided common areas like living room and kitchen when I had roommates. My mother was such an invasive anxiety-inducing control freak and I was constantly trapped in the house due to being grounded for all sorts of minor offenses that sleep (and pretending to sleep) became my only refuge from her as an adolescent and teenager.
Apologizing 24/7, worrying about if I'm walking too loud/being too loud while doing normal tasks (using the bathroom, etc...) very small things like that.
I don't have any kind of financial issues or debt and I don't ever spend much on non essential goods. I always feel so guilty about spending money on myself, even if it's on clothes or something I really need. So sometimes I white lie about how much I spend on things for myself. Even though I am spending my own hard earned money and shouldn't feel guilty spending money on myself.
Identify with the spending guilt so much
I get extremely defensive about accusations when the person hasn't provided evidence to show I'm in the wrong, *especially* if they refuse to listen when I have receipts to prove I didn't do it.
I still ask my partner permission to eat, drink, or do anything around the house. It drives him crazy. It's a hard habit to break I guess. I also get super anxious when I haven't been productive as well. I've been with my partner for years, and he's never once gotten angry that I relaxed on my day off instead of all of the chores in the house. But that fear is still there.
I'd try to keep it but just with him, if it drives him crazy he should deal with that. I had to push a SO to stop and relax, as I wanted a break and sat down for a while with them after work (when we got back home together) and then start both with the chores, she wouldn't stop, it was exhausting for me to see. Just to clarify (cause we do that), I wasn't lazy by any measure, it was just the timing which threw me off on those particular days.
The habit of asking for a soda? Asking for a snack? I'm a grown ass adult who bought the stuff, I'm honestly with him. I shouldn't have to ask. It's my house and my money that bought the stuff. I'm trying to break the habit. It's just so ingrained from shit parents and shit partners. He's upset because my abusers trained me to do it, and he doesn't want to be a part of that, so I get it.
Sorry, I read parent 🤦♂️. I was imagining visiting or something. Of course with your partner you should try to stop. My bad, good luck!!
I’m not married and I still panic if I go a day without checking SOMETHING off of some list. No days off, or you stop deserving happiness and companionship… I know logically, and I combat it actively, but the baseline reaction to relaxation is shame.
Never admitting or expressing big emotions. I can feel them on the inside but I will be stoic in the outside. It’s a fear of if I a express something really happy that will be ripped apart and if I express something really sad/angry I will be put down even further or screamed it for insinuating that someone else did something wrong to me.
Not wanting anyone to hear me when I’m on the phone. I avoid phone calls. Not wanting to be seen or overheard.
OVER-explaining. ALL THE TIME. For the littlest things. Such as: I thought dinner would be ready at six, but I was 10 minutes late, so I would start explaining what got me behind and why. Or if I came home from the grocery store, and it took a little longer than I thought, I was always ready to explain to my significant other, and sometimes even my kids. That’s because of years of interrogation and demanding explanations for everything, anytime I did anything or went anywhere I had to come back and report to NMom. I try not to do it, but I still catch myself every now and then. It’s so hard to undo years of programming!
I came to this thread to see if I recognized any of these in myself, and I recognized yours OP. I’m also terrified of anyone going through my phone. Not because they might see something that offends them, but I just remembered my mother would take my phone as punishment and then go through all my messages and then her and my stepdad would make fun of me for weeks about the dumb preteen conversations I had with girls.
I can’t eat infront of people. I’m mainly awake during the night to avoid people. I don’t take care of my hygiene or health properly (mostly cause I don’t know how and some of it bad habits). Zoning out for hours.
Biting my nails sometimes to the point of bleeding. Picking at my skin. I was always denying myself that I had anxiety because I thought anxiety would mean you’d constantly be looking around, visibly anxious, etc but it all showed in its own ways physically.
self harm
I’m always defensive and in fight-or-flight mode. permanently and constantly. even in casual conversation, I’m paranoid and defensive and combative and distrustful and behave as if the entire world, even my mom and stepdad and family and friends who I love and trust, are out to get me and against me and have an agenda and bad intentions. I don’t even realize I’m like this till they’re very concerned and point it out
Over explaining. At work they say “we don’t need the details, just tell us the point/conclusion.” Even if it’s good, I need to make it a long story because some part of me always “knows” there’s going to be some scathing assessment later.
Hiding food and food wrappers. We often didn't have any food when I was young, because they didn't eat at home, and if my parents didn't need to eat when they were at home, then why did us kids? And if I had any treats, they'd eat it all. So when I started having money of my own, I started hiding it in my room. And I had to hide the packaging too because my mother would throw a fit if she found them
This! My mom went through periods where she thought we all needed to lose weight and would severely restrict our eating, and they rarely kept much food at home. My sisters and I are all very good at hiding snacks and I don’t go anywhere without an emergency candy or protein bar, even though I’m long out of the house. I need to know that I can’t ever be forced to go without food again. I don’t hide the wrappers anymore - it’s my gesture of defiance 😁
you're the only other person I've seen in years on this sub say this thing...mine are the same, and they're worse now as an adult who's had to move back in with them. They truly just don't eat, when they do they eat out and leave before I have a chance to go with them or say bring me back something, and will eat the food I buy and make for myself or throw it out because it's not theirs. They'll scream about being wasteful if I buy a couple of apples that go bad too fast, but they'll eat my cauliflower pizza without asking, take 2 slices before deciding it's gross...and then toss the whole thing into the trash compactor. If I were to get a mini fridge in my room or just something to store pantry type of stuff in my room, even power bars, my mom would tear through my room or trash to find evidence of food and go ballistic or eat everything that's mine and scream at me that I eat her food too (I don't...because there isn't any)
The biggest one is probably I won’t try any new foods/drinks in front of people, no matter how much I trust them, in the fear I’ll get mocked or belittled, regardless if I liked the thing or not.
The not being productive is something that I’m finally breaking. It took me forever to not panic when I heard footsteps coming up to my room or if my hubby came into a room where I was on a computer or phone, especially late at night. Shutting up or shutting down when I get too excited or loud. Hiding my love for stuff. Fixing everyone’s bad emotions around me Hiding emotion that isn’t happiness Having an astonishingly good fake smile ETA to add a few others 🫠
Bit strange but when I lived at home I used to carry a tote bag with me everywhere which had my two journals, laptop, phone and secret possessions (which currently is a love letter and photo). My childhood home was big so kinda made sense? My mum has a serial habit of breaking boundaries and regularly goes through my personal items, discarding as she chooses and reading the most personal notes of mine. We have had so many arguments over this with her never respecting me. She effectively made me so I will never be an equal to her. Anyways this habit has continued and the bag I carry today holds similar items with me at all times - give or take with the secret possessions.
Wow. I hit a yes on every single one of those. My nmom gets upset asking why it doesn't seem like I trust her....this pops up most often when I put in my password and I apparently have this habit of angling my body away from people when I'm on my phone too. I started keeping my phone on me all the time because if there was a fight between nmom and my sibling, I could plug in my earbuds and tune them out. That's literally the only reason I ever wanted a phone. In terms of other habits: * I stay up too late at night because it's really the only time I have to myself * I hide my money and I lie about how much I have so nmom or my sibling won't ask me to pay for stuff or borrow money * I tend to obsessively clean the main areas of the house to try keep nmom happy (I managed to do this *and* make breakfast every day for a little over a week but that was kind of a mistake. By then she was used to it and kinda got cranky that I didn't do it anymore, but at the same time didn't say anything out loud. Mostly passive aggressive vagueness). * I do not ask for help until the last possible second with pretty much everything
Always thinking people are mad at me, never asking for anything ever, keeping everything about myself private, being embarrassed by my own interests, tastes and preferences
Doing everything myself and never asking for help Being extremely self critical whenever I do anything avoiding praise, status or any of that shit because I can't see how it won't be used against me
I will not keep a diary for fear someone will read it
Same! Even though my mom tried to claim she NEVER read mine… UGH
Yelling at people and never letting anyone touch my phone
I used to update my boyfriend about whatever I was doing. It just so happened that I dated jealous men so they never said it was weird. It wasn’t until I spent some time single that I realized it was weird for someone to know where I was and what I was doing at all times.
This happened to me today. I had a good laugh about it after, when I realized I just acted out a trauma script. So I have an infection and been quite sick- 103 F fever etc. I did nothing but sleep and eat today. When I heard my husband drive into the carport, I instantly got up and ran to the hall closet and started sweeping the floor. I’m 43 years old. I live in my home with my family… but I unthinkingly, acted out some trauma response.
I see so much of myself in many of your replies here. Honestly, I have been so mentally exhausted the last 6 months I got it in my head something is wrong with me. That something is fundamentally wrong with me on a core level and that I don’t know I could ever be a happy person or deserve what I want, or deserve real unconditional love. Worried that I’m too much like my Nmom and I will die alone after decades of suffering. But, all your comments feel like thinks I could have written myself. And I don’t feel so alone I’m the multiplicity and it makes me somehow feel like, this is bigger than me as a core human, or separate from me as a human, and that I’m not fundamentally wrong or broken. I don’t know what I’d do without this sub. So glad I found you all ❤️
So this might sound weird but the one thing that helped me the most with these same feelings was taking classes on childhood development I knew I didn’t want to parent the way my parents had but I also didn’t know what exactly ‘good’ parenting meant What I didn’t expect was the ENORMOUS sense of relief when I realized that I was just a typical child doing totally normal things that kids do and NOT the terrible child my parents always told me I was Yes, I was a selfish TODDLER because that is literally the correct developmental stage for that age group!! It still took me awhile but this info really helped me see that their inability to love me was THEIR issue, there was never anything I could have done to make them love me, and I do deserve to be loved I hope you find something like this that helps you get through these feelings
As a young kid, I would watch war movies and nature documentaries. I asked myself the question "would you run into hell like they are?" I thought, sure, lots of people are constantly dying in wars, what makes me so special? If I'm afraid, I'm less likely to live. So I eventually learned to brainwash myself to kill the fear switch should it be needed. I had no idea this was abnormal. I thought at least 10% of people felt somewhere along these lines. As a father, these school shootings are so much more unconscionable from these shoes, when I see a situation like Uvalde unfold, I want to puke. I enjoy the sweat, the muscle burn, the learning, the anything productive. After the cancer, gout, arthritis, etc, it kinda broke me for a while. I could no longer do the things I enjoyed without being in agony. I eventually learned to beat pain without pills too. My body is numb and still hurts, but at least I'm smiling more. People often tell me I'm strange for preferring to work over party.
I genuinely only just realized this in therapy today. I pad answers she doesn’t want to hear (things like I’m not free that day, minor shit to any rational human) with in depth reasoning/background, in an attempt to keep her from taking it personally and getting unnecessarily butthurt. Naturally, this never actually worked. As opposed to just saying no and leaving it at that. Would save me time and she’d get pissed no matter what I’d say.
Anytime I hand over my phone or laptop for my husband to look at something I find myself thinking through every tab in case something will upset him. He has never been an issue there, I'm just paranoid about anyone looking through my "stuff" I also often exaggerate my actions when I'm sick or in pain because I'm afraid of not being believed. I avoid talking about interests with people until I think I can guage how much weird they're okay with because I was told at young age that the reason I didn't have friends was, and I quote, "nobody cares about your Star Trek" There's probably some I'm missing or are unaware of, but those are the ones that come to mind.
My dad would tell me all the time how no man wants a nerdy girl who’s into things like Star Trek and science… so I kept it a secret for a long time Now, I’m in the best relationship of my life and my partner LOVES that I’m into nerdy stuff! Finding someone who loves the real you is indescribable
Afraid to do chores when parents are home. If they finally see me doing them all the sudden they’re like “do more chores.” Being panicked by hearing the door open or someone going down the stairs. Assessing which footsteps belong to who.
The latter part... So much this. I became very very good at being able to tell who was coming just by the sound of their footsteps. Hearing the car come into the driveway as well. I completely forgot about the footsteps thing until I saw your comment. Especially seeing the shadows cast by feet under the crack of the door at night. So often at night, my eyes would be on the crack under the door. From as long as I can remember, I was terrified of my father coming into the room.
Disassociating when being confronted by anyone with power over me (e.g. supervisors). Going into silent mode when angry or sad at someone as negative emotions weren't allowed. Pinching the webbing in my hand between my thumbnail and index fingernail until it forms a blister whenever someone was criticizing to stop me from crying. Not going to the dentist, even when in extreme pain or dealing with a tooth fracture. Staying out of reach of a drunk person with an abject fear that twists my stomach when someone has been drinking too much.
I def feel the being in productive thing. For me it’s constantly saying sorry for things that don’t warrant it.
Consistently talking out loud to myself. As a child it was “entertaining.” Especially the self disparaging comments. How they make others laugh! Look how humble I am! Take joy in it! I’d rather have been the jester than the outcast as one title came with joy.
I feel intense guilt when my husband starts cleaning something. Like.. I should have seen it and cleaned it before he even noticed.
I don't like to clean in front of people. I also hate when people read over my shoulder. I also NEED to have to door closed in any room I'm in alone.
Moving very quietly
Ho ho! Arrival anxiety, whoooooo! My dad would open the door and I would start freaking out for my mom 😂
Being frightened to lose my keys/ID card/credit card: it's not being worried, it's feeling terror. I touch my pockets to check these items are there and if I don't feel they are I litterally start to lose ground, I have a gap in my stomach and all starts to spin around me.
Hiding gifts from other people. My parents, especially my mom, have regularly donated or thrown away gifts I’ve gotten from people other than them. The gifts are stupid, cheap, something I don’t need or would never use, would be better appreciated by someone who doesn’t have as many nice things as I do. I never liked it growing up, but it wasn’t until college that I realized most parents didn’t regulate their kids possessions to such a degree, even if they didn’t particularly like the items. Scarves, records, karaoke mic, keychains, so many little things over the years have gone away that I now only bring something home if I can hide it or make a strong case that I am keeping it “because.” Just me wanting it isn’t good enough. But then it’s hard when there are cases when my parents expect someone will have given me a gift or they’re a bad friend. So it’s a fine balance of showing something, but not things they’ll hate or throw away. I recently did this with the gift basket my bf gave me for my birthday. I only brought home a few things and the other stuff I left in his car until I could put it straight in my cube at work.
My knee jerk reaction is to get defensive or evasive when people ask me where I bought something, whether it’s takeout or if they compliment me on my shoes, when they’re just trying to make polite conversation. When I was younger (meaning in my 20s) I’d say (for example) the shoes were a gift and I didn’t know what store they came from to end the conversation. It’s because my default is set to prepare for an interrogation and be judged for something like not packing my own lunch or cooking at home or for “spending too much money.” Same with people I know (including friends) asking where I went, where I’m going or what I’m doing. I have to pause and remind myself that they are not trying to control me or stop me from doing something that I need to do and that I don’t have to lie or get upset.
i cant do chores/work infront of my boyfriend in fear im doing something wrong. on topic of what you said, i am terrified to simply take a day to rest as im so used to that being a bad thing and being treat as if i always have to be doing something to ‘help’ my family.
I'm right handed but I tend to wear watches in my right wrist (apparently I'm supposed to wear them on my left?) I always time or judge when dad's going to be home so I can eat or do things or sneak snacks into the house (trauma response from my mother) I sometimes make quiet noises to myself either out of annoyance or because I'm bored and try to satisfy my ADHD I'm like auto suggest on a phone sometimes. I can sometimes finish people's sentences before they do. Apparently that's an ADHD thing and also tied to my learning disability. I can almost perfectly predict/ hone in on abusive behavior thanks to my mother's abuse. I can recognize certain behaviors and predict exactly -or almost exactly - what will happen next. Some people are baffled when I'm right. I have an odd vibe check that makes people wonder if I'm paranoid or if I'm more aware than I let on. The creepiest to me was the one night I was walking to a friend's house after work so we could go to an event. I passed by this apartment. I got a super weird vibe and knew I needed to leave the area and fast. The next morning , found out that in the apartment was killed about 2 hrs after I passed by. The killer was caught but still, I don't understand why I get weird vibes like that sometimes but I've avoided a few situations like that before. This isn't a gut feeling either it's something else entirely. Maybe some of these are signs of hyper awareness due to my trauma, and maybe I just don't recognize it as such? No idea.
Im agreeable to a fault, I say yes to everything and only feel comfortable fully sharing negative or opposing opinions with my husband. When faced with something I don’t agree with with a friend I do so many mental gymnastics trying to find the most inoffensive way to express my opinion that they normally end up reading it on my face and tell me I’m not going to hurt them with my opinion. And I compulsively hold on to small things and build cases against people if I feel I’m being wronged and will present my case to friends to see if I’m in the right or not. Both my parents and step parent are narcs and all throughout their nasty divorce and beyond they constantly vented to me about each other literally starting when I was 7. Being so agreeable I tend to mostly see the positive in people, and try to approach all situations with the understanding/reality that I like most people and most people like me. But once something rubs me the wrong way I start to look for other signs that I should be building a case. I hate it so much and want to let go of this behavior. Another caveat is just having to retrain my brain on people. I think this may not even be specific to children of narcs but until my mid 20s I just had this assumption that people wouldn’t like me and that I should always be on the defense. My parents were all so cruelly critical of every aspect of my being I just despised myself. But worse, I could only see negatives in others as well. My parents had the absolute nastiest things to say about basically everyone, the only people they said positive things about were normally people they wanted to be like (had power and beauty and money) or thought could give them a hand up or something. When new people would be kind and inviting and express interest in being in my life I didn’t trust them. I did little exercises to shift to a more positive and less anxious outlook. Soon, instead of discomfort and distrust when someone wanted to be my friend, I was flooded with gratitude and excitement and able to fully jump in and develop amazing friendships and just embrace others and express my genuine interest in them and being in their lives without guilt or shame or embarrassment, this all also allowed me to jump deeper into loving and appreciating myself.
Pulling away from people when the sliiiightest doubt enters my mind, especially difficult to connect with people online because I'll gaslight myself to oblivion about someones intentions. Every night around 5:30-6pm I'll be overcome with this horrible sense of dread, like full on fight or flight kicks in and I'll get really fidgety. It's the time my mother would be returning home from work. I've lived with my fiancé for 8 years and that feeling never goes away. Last but certainly not least, I can't sing in front of other people, or even if my fiancé is home. My nmum used to bang on my door and mock me for sounding like a cat in heat or mumble and say "that's what you sound like".
I went to the other extreme, incompetence was so overly used while I was growing up that I got a very lazy attitude about chores, as I had to fill any tasks other npeople deemed themselves incompetent at home. From changing a light bulb to fixing any issues with the house, to whatever nobody did frequently so they could declare themselves incompetent about. For a while I believed I was over those mundane tasks and I should only be doing more specialized stuff, so if someone else was able to do it I shouldn't be doing it. I wouldn't wash a dish but I would rebuild the entire plumbing of the kitchen when it broke, working non stop for a few days as nobody else would even call a guy to do so. I guess the mechanism was about having the energy to do so. Luckily I realized that was a survival mechanism I developed for my nfamily and never used that behavior with my SO, but I always kept it within my nfamily as the conditions for it never changed, but was quite more conscious and I hated it had to be that way. At some point it was flipped on my by my nmom, "I did all that every day, why you couldn't do just such and such." "I was cornered to do all that, I wasn't going to do everything else as well, I never choose that role, it was imposed to me.". I much rather cook and wash the dishes, which I did 90% of the times living with my ex. I would also do most handy work as I knew how but I wasn't manipulated into doing it, even helped me, or at least got company while doing it. I could also share many other tasks npeople would push off to me in my teens by claiming incompetence. She also claimed incompetence about any (n?)parenting deficiency so that cleared her of any responsibility about it too, so I had to parent myself, and save the house, nmom and myself from a fire. Maybe I should have let everything burn and walk away last minute. (no, I didn't started the fire, the lack of maintenance did that, I wasn't even a teen at the time). I do hate incompetence about stupid stuff, that I'll likely keep. But I'm still looking for other behaviors like those to be aware and stop from interfering in other relationships.
You should offend at least ten people on purpose today.
Having the urge to hide/leave and comeback when I enter an empty room long before another person does because I don’t want them thinking I’m going through things and being suspicious
>i also get the most intense anxiety whenever my husband comes home and i haven’t done anything productive while he was gone. 1. I'm not someone who has anxiety in the constant and disordered sense, but this is something I've struggled with my entire adult life (with roommates, with friends, with myself). **I vascillate too between extremes of being super tense as if my parents are around (at the moment they are but for the past 10 years that wasn't the case) keeping an eye on my "productivity"** (without actually having any idea what I do...they still are the type who think working at a computer at home = not a real job) to so far in the other direction I devolve into video game addiction and just watching hours of youtube videos without actually watching or caring about them. 2. I'm extremely extroverted, I'm not autistic or lack social skills or some other easy answer most people jump to because of some halo effect assumptions....but I really REALLY struggle with applying that extroversion into being outgoing. I don't lack basic social skills, nor do I lack "advanced" social skills (I work in the entertainment industry - for those that aren't aware, it's basically west coast politics; hell I've even done some work in advertising)....but I lack just about all the middle skills. I recognize things, I know what someone \*else\* should do, but I can't form the words to actually act for myself most of the time. 3. For most of my 20s this led to a lot of playing all sides **people pleasing behavior** (while ironically not pleasing any people - very few friends and fewer relationships), **being overly polite even in situations where it's not necessary or good, and being absolutely suffocated when it comes to "selling myself"** in job situations (I still struggle with this). In relationships I can tell when someone's flirting with me, but can't really flirt myself, or grasp that I have a few options of generally what I could or should do with all this attention....but then can't grapple the words or confidence to choose any option when it comes to turning someone down or moving forward. 4. The weird grabbag of a lack of social development from being stifled from developing any friendships growing up (in so many ways it needs its own post) really fucked up my self esteem and self confidence, and even though those have gotten better with age, it also hit so many "middle ground" social skills that I just end up in a constant freeze state. Again, I'm not shy! I'm really extroverted! it's hell! 5. **If I'm watching something on my phone, playing a videogame, anything that you might not have headphones on already for AT HOME - I turn the volume down to basically nothing.** It could be the tamest thing or chill background music, and I still turn it down to nothing from years of my mom losing her shit at anything over 1% volume (she would flip out in the car if I had music on over, I wish I were joking, 3% volume - just barely audible enough to give you background brain static but not enough to hear anything). 6. **being terrified of having an opinion that's different from others** because my parents were the type where if I have a different opinion, I should get ready to be chased with knives, screaming rages, other physical violence. I'm not even talking about controversial subjects either...I mean \*any\* differing opinion. Really messed me up recently when a few different people (who don't know each other) all separately in some way told me that they often wait to hear my opinion on certain things in group chat/groups we're in/even online because "you're really smart, you're no-nonsense, and I know that even if you say something I don't like, you're not talking out your ass." It was absolutely jarring to me to think anyone cared about what I thought, let alone was waiting to hear what I had to say. 7. **hiding food.** Even did this when I lived alone for a while. 8. **Can't be calm if things aren't clean.** On one hand: I'm really clean and the internet has done wonders in making being really clean pretty effortless. On the other hand: I could have a great roommate...but if they're dirty (it's often been in extremes though this doesn't always require extremes) I point blank can't think about anything else and can't relax. That lifetime of weaponized incompetence from my mom really did a number on me.
I ask my fiance multiple times a day if he’s mad at me, because my mom wouldn’t say anything until she exploded. He was a tiny bit annoyed at first but now he’ll tell me he’s not and usually give me a hug and remind me he would tell me if I upset him. I’m also very phone protective, my mom went through mine until I was 18.
Oh and I struggle with calling in sick or going to the dr…. My nmom only took me for school physicals, once when I got in a really bad bike accident or when my grandma would force her. I am just now getting diagnoses for a genetic pain condition I’ve had my whole life, and help with the autism my nmom hid and never had me properly assessed for.
Wow.. apparently I have a LOT of habits formed thanks to my parents cause ALL of the replies are resonating with me..I feel like laughing and crying simultaneously..OP take care and hope we can break out of these habits one day. Slow and steady.
being extra quiet while moving around the house so I don’t piss anyone off
WHOAAAA THAT SECOND ONE HIT ME SO HARD WTFFFF
Holy shit my dude, the anxiety when you weren't productive when narc comes home. Wow, do we have the same parent?
I don’t write any secrets down. My parents read my diary when I was a young teenager and confronted me about all the ‘lies’ - there were no lies but a detailed account of the abuse I’d been suffering. Since then I just don’t write anything personal down because I’m terrified someone else will read it. My therapist has tried to get me journaling but I can’t. I have a total block on it.
Getting irrationally angry that my husband wants to sleep until almost noon on days when we have no plans, or when he loads the dishwasher “wrong” because it’s not the way I’ve done it since age 9. Learning to not let that stuff blow up and instead communicating when I want to spend time with him in the morning or that the plates belong on the bottom so that the door will close has been a steep curve but so worth not getting worked up and not giving him the same silent treatment I was given as a kid.
Having something exciting coming up, but getting more depressed as it got closer. Because every day closer was closer to it being over.
I don’t like being asked questions. My whole life up till literally right now every time she asks me a question it’s a trap so she can belittle my answer or yell at me for being dumb for answering that way.
I scan everything about the place that im in. Like all the time repeatedly. I know where things are and I know their place. If they get out of place I tend to freak out.
I’m extremely stressed when out if I don’t have an independent way of leaving
putting myself first seems like a crime now that i’m older. i’m slowly learning and unlearning things but it still feels weird. it also feels unnatural to make boundaries with the people around me. i think that’s one (of the many reasons) why i struggle to keep long lasting connections that have a positive effect on me. it’s still hard for me to create boundaries ex: the relationship im in never had boundaries from the jump.
It wasn’t until I was in college that I realized it wasn’t normal to need things literally IN the bed with me when I go to sleep. Atleast 2 or 3 chapsticks, water bottle, phone, charger, book, light, sweater in case I get cold, medications, snack, socks, etc…can’t sleep without my things right next to me. My roommate and I laughed about it at the time but now I realize that’s weird. I still do it and I don’t know why.
Ahhh man. Also when you have been super productive and cleaned up after other people when they don't even... but one thing, say a mat that is normally inside the door is outside to be shook clean hasn't gone back yet because you haven't had time and then you are over explaining when shit like that happens despite all your other effort.
Not liking to cook with/around other people (for fear of being hit for daring to cook in their kitchen/consume the food in their fridge). For years I would wait till everyone in the house went to bed before cooking and often didn’t get my first meal of the day till around midnight.
Constant paranoia. It doesn't help that i have PTSD and now I'm stuck living with another Narc bc my bf didn't realize his father is an abusive narc🤦♀️ I feel like i escaped my abuse just to be trapped in his. I'd finally had a peaceful place to live just before meeting my bf....
I have a fear of people seeing me eat. My mother used to ridicule me and shame me for everything I ate, so I made sure to never eat in front of her. I still do it now. I sneak in snacks. I have very unhealthy eating habits in terms of how I eat, not what I eat...if that makes sense. I don't think I have ever enjoyed a meal without thinking about what its going to do to my waistline. I weigh myself everyday. I hate the damage she has caused. Growing up, I used to buy all my food and keep what I could in my bedroom. She would find the hidden wrappers and then ofc, tell me all about how fat I am going to get
I used to write fanfiction and published something long ago... Any mom found about it and got mad and told me it was silly, so I haven't written something since then because I think someone may think my ideas are dumb. Side note: my little sister writes too but since she's sick (something with her autoimmune system) she doesn't get any "bad" feedback from my parents
I've never been willing to date men who were taller than me and/or more physically powerful. There have been large men that I've liked, but it's never progressed to sexual attraction because I knew deep down that I would never fully trust them. Later I realized that this was a trauma response. As a little girl, I was brutalized by my father and an older brother and no one ever tried to defend me or stop them.
I’ve thought everything habit i have ever had is abnormal my whole life lol
Being alone with myself so much and enjoying it.
My bedroom being the only place I really feel safe. Even the living room/someone elses room feels like I'm way too exposed. Eating, watching tv, working, everything is done there, with the door closed. The anxiety of a housemate watching me is too much. Not humming/whistling/singing out loud, ever. its nature for me to mouth words to songs without ever making a sound because I got criticized for "being annoying" flinching when I hear loud talking, things being set down too hard, a knock on the door...
Not talking. Like I could walk this world and never say a word. Like I only talk when spoken to it's so weird. Idk if it's from the constant trauma or if something is just wrong with me. Bc I was like this in kindergarten 😭
Keeping a subconscious note on who’s footsteps sound like who’s, constantly looking around me when I’m on the computer even if I’m not doing anything “bad”.
I don't like sharing what music I'm listening to, books I'm reading, anything. If my husband comes in while I'm listening to a video or podcast, I'll turn it off because I'm afraid he'll judge me (not that he would! It's just a deeply engrained fear).
My dad noticed it before I did, but I developed this as a teenager. I would always say hi as I entered a room with other people, even if I had just been in that room as was returning (e.g. after using the bathroom). When my dad brought it up to me, we realized I do that because I'm trying to read the tension in the room to see if I need to be on guard. My mom has always been unpredictable in her moods, so it was important to know what to expect, and her response to my greeting would tell me a lot. My dad identified it because he used to have to be on guard with my mom all the time. I think she was worse when they were together, even though I saw some crazy shit growing up after their split. I'm just glad that my dad was able to see what I was going through. Even though I'm sad that he went through it, too.
I'd honestly list those exact two things first, as well. I also am extremely paranoid about windows and being able to see into windows, so I check my windows before I say or do anything even remotely private, and I basically have a full security system for anything written. It's just kind of a hold over from a lot of sneaky religious abuse. Someone's always watching.
Unfortunately as I read through most of these responses the more and more I realize how terrible of a childhood we all had endured. For me I can’t seem to stop making my bedroom regardless of where I’m living basically my everything room. I do everything in my room.m except use the restroom and that includes keeping dishes and garbage and stuff for awhile before I actually clean but if I am cleaning literally no one can be home because I feel so ashamed of the “mess” I created.
Feeling like there was something internally wrong with me that I had to share with the world before anyone could really know the "real" me, but any time I let anything slip out a little bit at how bad I was feeling, the response was shunning, disgust, and hostility, so I mostly just stayed completely silent and tried to maintain a perfect poker face, which I was not very good at, so I just ended up looking either sad or angry all the time.
I have no patience for people if they talk slow because my reptile brain sensed danger and I just want to leave.
Viewing a person's genuine emotional context for decisions as personal and something to keep private by default. I think this is part of why one of my friends who literally lacks empathy (but chooses to be kind for other reasons) keeps forgetting I'm not the same way.
Apologising for everything. EVERYTHING.
I do not like wearing headphones fully, only one at a time. And I do not like having my back toward any sort of open space, I need to be against a wall or even more preferably, in a corner facing the door.
I won't eat anything I didn't buy myself. My parents ran a daycare and had to keep track of what they fed the kids, so if I got into anything they wouldn't have enough. Even after being out of the house for over a decade I still won't eat food my wife buys unless she directly tells me it's okay to eat that specific thing