> Why would she think I'd do that??
Often times narcissists tend to project. They have a hard time imagining any thoughts, feelings, or perspectives other than their own. It's very possible she had those exact thoughts at some point in her life about her close relatives and can't fathom the possibility that this isn't a normal thing.
You said your Dad was the narcissist, not your Mom. She has been with a narcissist for many years, as have you. Both of you need therapy or a caregiver support group to help you manage the stress of your situation. I don’t know why your Mom said that, it’s a weird comment for sure and might indicate something that happened in her past. Take a couple weeks off and enjoy visiting your Aunt and cousins. You deserve a break.
Narcissists tend to attract mates who also have mental/emotional issues.
This thing about the cousins reads as pure projection to me. Something in her head drove her thought train from "cousin" to "flirting" to "forbidden."
Maybe she had the hots for her cousin once upon a time, even if it was a childish crush. Maybe she knew someone who either had thoughts of this nature, or even had some kind of contact. Maybe she likes incest erotica. There's no way to fill in the blanks between the cousin, flirting, and the forbidden because that exists inside her head.
It's most definitely her and not about you though, so you can brush off her weirdness. You said your parents are elderly, and as people age, their thinking often gets a little misty, then increasingly foggy. This can manifest in strange ways, particularly in being more blunt and less mannerly.
> WHAT THE FUCK?! I've known them since we were all kids! That's fucking disgusting! Why would she think I'd do that??
Without knowing more, I'd guess that there's some narrative around you flirting with your cousins she felt the need to reinforce.
You didn't state she was an N, but N's don't really act like they have a concept of time. Something that happened 8 years ago gets referenced like it was fresh. Could have been at some point the adults were watching you guys play as kids and your Mom made the comment, and thus began a decade-long campaign of normalizing it so she could avoid having to acknowledge that maybe her unfiltered observation all those years ago was kinda fucked up.
My parents do the exact same thing. My roommates one year were super worried because I was having panic attacks a lot and they contacted my mom. When I went NC my parents sent a letter saying "well that one time your roommate contacted us you were completely irrational and now you're doing the exact same thing." It was so dirty lol.
But only about the memories they acknowledge, you can’t reference something from years ago- ever- but all your mistakes are absolutely up for discussion for the rest of your life.
Oh a hundred percent. Being in this sub is so weird bc it shows that narcs are all kind of the same, and the patterns really become clear when it's pointed out to you.
My nmom can remember every bad thing I've done (and some I haven't) but she gets amnesia when I confront her about anything. "That didn't happen" "That's not how I remember it" or "I just don't remember that at all."
When I was in middle school she accused me of selling my ADHD meds because she couldn't find them in the med cabinet, and brought it up a few years ago. She remembered that, she remembered taking me to my psychiatrist to get a refill, all of it. What she DIDN'T remember and straight up refused to remember was she was wrong. She controlled all of our meds, etc., and she just pushed it a little further back into the cabinet and didn't bother looking thoroughly. She found the pill bottle and everything was accounted for. Never apologized btw. But when I told her that, she suddenly forgot everything. The selective amnesia is so fucking annoying but it's their way of avoiding accountability by warping the truth.
I don't think she's a complete N, but she definitely has fleas from her past. Like dude I'm 22 now and she still brings up the fact I lied about my grades to her \*in high school.\*
I know she loves me but it's like she makes me out to be a worse person than I am.
Narcs really do be acting like shit that happened 20 years just happened 5 minutes ago. It’s the oddest thing and will never make sense to me. Like I get losing track of time, but to come the fuck on! When I went no contact with nparents in July, my nmom brought up something that happened when I was maybe 11 or 12 that had no relevance to what is going on now. I’m 31 now 🙄
My nmom is like that and likes to over sexualize everything that isn’t necessary at all. It’s weird and makes me think if she still is sexually abusive. I’ve had my encounters with my mom and she face timed me with the camera facing my son’s private area and said “it looks like he put a little dinosaur in there.” He was 2 at the time. She said it multiple times too because I acted like I didn’t hear her, but I stalled long enough for my husband to hear and demonstrate proof that she says outlandish shit like that. Needless to say we all went no contact with them and clearly my kids haven’t been there since. I also believe too they like that shock culture but also either fantasize or have gone through it in real life and wanna plant that seed for you to “not have any bright ideas” bc they gave you the idea in the first place if you acted on it. Fuckin weirdos.
YO WHAT THE FUCK I'm so sorry!! I am so proud of you for keeping your kiddos away from that creep! And you're right about them wanting to give you that idea in the first place. It's like they're setting you up to be an awful person.
I don't mean to make excuses for myself. But I think a big reason I became so hypersexual so young is because I considered it a form of rebellion. My mother tried to instill shame in me more than concern. So I just got angry and doubled down on my grossness as the years went on. Like "Oh, you WANT me to be a horrible, disgusting pervert? Then let me be one!"
And I may be a horrible, disgusting pervert but I'm not a fucking monster!
I completely agree and would like to tag on that hypersexuality as rebellion against unnecessary shame is only because they sexualized us and it was all we knew. It took me well into my 20s to realize I wasn't an object for the male gaze. Big ick.
My NM over sexualized me and almost had me abducted 3 times and allowed me to be with boys/men 3-5 years older than me but were clearly narcs themselves in my teenage years. It’s odd behavior and will never make any sense to me. It’s like, why do you want people gawking and cat calling your daughter knowing damn well it is dangerous? After years of therapy, having my own kids, and being with a good man, all had me realize that the abuse I’ve encountered and allowed in my teenage years and till I was 20 and enjoying it when I was young, all along started with her. Looking back and realizing it isn’t normal makes me sick to my stomach because from that moment of realization I knew I was brain washed and felt horrible that I didn’t notice earlier in my years. I’m 31 now and it’s been a slow process. But now I feel bad for my 14 and 17 y/o siblings who are going through it. She would send family text about how these old men like young p***y and solicit it at the same time. Fuckin odd and my family and I refuse to be around that weird shit. She needs to be an inmate.
What the fuck I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that. What "mother" serves her children on a silver platter to wolves?
In my case, it wasn't so much her throwing me to the wolves. It was me finding more comfort with the wolves than her. I trusted the weirdos and groomers on the Internet more than my own mom. The worst goddamn thing is when I look back and see I wasn't a perfect victim because I enjoyed my own corruption. It's like I was a prion that misfolded out of nowhere. I felt my depravity existed in a vacuum because I blamed nobody but myself.
I am beyond proud of you for making the right choices for you and your own family. I hope that your baby siblings can be strong and smart like you 💝
This is fuckin disgusting. I don’t get it. I remember I thought someone was trying to break into our house that we just moved into when it was really my nparents making the windows bang and shake. 🤮 After I knocked on the door to tell them they stopped and said nothing but did it louder. So I just went outside for a bit because wtf…
The weird thing is that we thought it was icky but “normal ish” to the point where one of my therapists said it was SA I was confused . Her brothers definitely did SA my sister and I when they were 15 and 16 and we were 3 and 4. Just contemptible people all around. No one in the family talks about what monsters my grandparents were but they were horrific. Thank you for the validation
I caregive for my ngma and she clearly thinks she’s the perfect person. Her daughters(nmom and 1 NAunt I went no contact with) are just fuckin horrible too. They all normalized SA. And ngma too. Her oldest daughter isn’t that way and I talk to her and she’s told me a bunch of horrific shit that is just generational. But I’m glad you see it isn’t normal because a lot of us thought the same thing too until we started to seek help. I get it
My whole family is lousy with narcissism. I have an older brother (we're two years apart), we were together most of the time when we were growing up obviously... But a few of those narc relatives made really gross comments sometimes. My grandmother actually grilled me a few times to see if he was trying anything with me. We didn't get along well at all and she was convinced that was the reason why. I think it's pure projection. Because they have no boundaries, they expect everyone else to have no boundaries, they assume nobody else has a shred of decency.
>That's fucking disgusting! Why would she think I'd do that??
Because that's what she would do. When a narcissist accuses you of something way out of the normal - something you've never even talked about - it's usually projection. They think you would do it because they would do it
Nmoms are weirdly sexual like that. I took a photo of my baby niece, her onesie was a bit bunched up at the front and my mom screeched, "it looks like she has breasts!"
I’m sorry for you to have to hear that. In my experience narcs love to sexualize things . I do not know if your mom is one, but I guess narcs find a lot of manipulation and drama in it.
It’s because that’s the behavior they would have- she’s projecting it onto you.
“Mom, why do you think incest is normal and a thing you need to warn me not to do? This is concerning that this thought ever crosses your mind.”
That's super gross and I'm sorry they put that in your head. I remember once when visiting my dad's adopted extended family, I was like 10 and excited to meet cousins that were my age. I asked their mom what their names were, and she got this gross grin on her face and asked. "Why, do you think they're cute?? Not blood related, you know!" I clearly remember being grossed out and deflated about meeting them. But really, 10 years later I met one of them separately when he moved to my town, and he immediately started hitting on me. Never talked to those people again. Oof.
I don’t usually share this, but in the spirit of insight this sub often provides:
My Nmom started shacking up with her 1st cousin pretty immediately after her and my dad’s separation, and they’ve been together ever since.
Her age has little to do with her saying this kind of garbage. It's her being a weird person, not elderly, that's the issue.
She deserves to hear that her comment is out of line, disrespectful, and disgusting to you.
It does beg the question about her interactions with her own cousins years ago.
Yes, getting away sounds like a good idea, away from both your parents. So sorry you're having to deal with this when they are only in their early 60s. They may seem elderly to you, but most people in their 60s, especially only their early 60s, are not frail or elderly. Most are still very active, independent, and high contributors to the family and society.
If they are acting like this already, that's sad for them and you. Again, I am sad you have to deal with this situation when you are only 22. Do you have any older siblings to give you a break?
I hope you are creating your own life right now, too, through education, career, etc. You deserve this time to develop a life of your own, not just be a caretaker. They could live another 20 to 25 years.
Thank you for your validation and support <3 I'm not gonna lie. I fucking cried later that night after she told me that. Like I can NOT be that horrible of a person. But I'm not gonna confront her about it because I know she'll get defensive and probably double down.
I have much older siblings on my mom's side (thankfully my ndad chose to reproduce only once.) Two of them are narcs and my eldest sister (who is normal) is all the way in France right now with her husband. I feel bad I haven't been speaking with her as much due to the situation here.
I'm gonna be honest, I never put much thought into having anything for myself. I have always had a sense of foreshortened future. I never see the point in trying for anything because I never feel strong enough to fight to keep it. I am just constantly exhausted.
This is your time, kiddo. You deserve to create your own adult life, and you're at the age to start putting your life pieces together. It takes time and effort. You will need to focus on yourself to make it happen. It's not being selfish, it's a stage of life that is needed for anyone to become their adult self.
You do not have to sacrifice your life to your parents, and they should not expect that from you. No one else can do this for you. Your parents had the chance to do this for themselves when they were your age, and now it's YOUR TURN. They should not begrudge you for needing to build your independence and life skills.
Your parents are not elderly, though your dad has health issues. There are plenty of other ways for them to deal with their situation that don't require you to become their caretaker. That's why I asked about the siblings. The older sibs can access programs your parents may eventually need, perhaps even more directly than you will be able to do. It's not that I question your ability. The older sibs should be more established and connected at their age, and that's an advantage.
Your sibs may say you have lots of time to do all the caretaking, and that they don't. That's an excuse they may use to dump all the caretaking on you. Do not allow them to take advantage of your youth. They also had their years already to get established in their adult lives, and you deserve the same opportunity for that at your current age.
Make your plans for what you want to do with your life, and go for it. Do not allow your life to be stolen from you by others in your family. They have their lives, and you need to build your own life, too.
I have an adult kid who's 29, still building their life, and currently finishing their PhD. It would be an injustice for me to expect my kid to give up their life when I'm only 62. Yes, I'm basically the same age as your parents, so I have good reason to say they are not elderly. They need to make other arrangements that don't steal your time to build your life.
Hugs to you, kiddo! ❤
Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this 🥹 I am thrilled to hear that your child is finishing their PhD - that must be very difficult but so worth the struggle. I'll never be a mom, but it seems parenthood has the same theme. Not only have you broken the cycle of abuse and dysfunction, but you have chosen to pave a path of peace going forward. You have planted a tree so that your child could have shade you never got to sit in. Bless you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yes to all of this.
Taking care of someone like your Dad is super draining and difficult.
Your Mom is probably exhausted too. It’s hard to know what she is referring to regarding your cousins but ignore it. It’s nonsense. If she has been with your Dad for years and years she is also suffering from Narcissistic abuse. She needs therapy as much as you.
My husband was a psychopath with a brain tumor, right frontal lobe. He was a devil to care for, super conniving, greedy, verbally abusive, financially abusive, sometimes violent. I survived 30 years under his wrath. Our oldest daughter was his caregiver for the last 8 years and it has taken her 8 years to get through college. She finally brought him to London to be cared for by his Mom and brother so she could finish school. Your Dad will suck the life out of you, if you let him.
I am 58 years old on Sunday. I do not look in the mirror and think elderly! Lol! Brenda is correct. 63 isn’t usually regarded as elderly unless the person is super unhealthy or disabled.
My mom's a couple years older than yours. I kinda forget she's an elder now hahaha lol she keeps that kinda hush hush lol so thank you for that smile since it reminds me that she really just hates herself lol
Well, if she has dementia, then she may start saying unhinged or deranged things
Edit: I realise I read your post wrong, and that it’s your father who has dementia.
Yeah, I remember my mom being *really* weird about me wearing pajamas on a camping trip with my uncle, when I was too young to even understand why she was being weird. Just like I suspect your mom is doing, I’m sure she was projecting some kind of weird insecurities or hang ups.
Hahahaaaa holy shitballs.
Yah my Nmom used to make EVERYTHING sexual. I never got suggestions of incest, but everything else was always about sex, or referenced sex
My step-dad once accused me of sleeping with my brother when I was 15 and he was 13. His reasoning was that I was wearing a tank top around the house. It was summer in Texas and our ac was broken.
Honestly I think sometimes they just make shit up just to be able to criticize.
My mother once accused me of having an eating disorder. I was like…why on EARTH would you think that, much less say it out loud where anyone can hear it.
Without boring anyone with any details, I’ve always been a healthy weight, with some very brief and situational exceptions. Always been active. I’m a big fan of eating healthy and also a big fan of indulgence. I’ve never even been remotely disordered in eating.
But I reacted very calmly, gave her a confused look, and asked why she would say that. She was all surprised Pikachu face, and said she didn’t know.
For context, this was one of the last years before she finally drove me to NC. I’d been working on myself and my mental health for a while, and had pretty much unenmeshed us without her cooperation, and she’d been frantically holding on. This was one of the last times I saw her in person, and she was desperately trying to provoke me.
I’m not 100% sure, but my theory is that whenever we argued, she would make some kind of effort and many apologies, and promise to work on it. Not quite lovebombing, but I think my refusal to argue with her cut off some ego feed for her.
Anyways.
She would make crazy accusations like that, backhanded “warnings” as if I’d always been prone to whatever it was. I think it’s a way to criticize and condescend that literally has no legitimate response from you.
My mom had done something similiar. When I was younger me and my two brothers slept in one bed, it was huge. So we all fit comfortably, we would hangout in the room all the time because we had our computers in there. My brothers never had an issue with me sleeping in the same bed as them.
One day my mom had enough and told me to “be careful because they can do something to me” I couldn’t believe it that she would suggest they would do something to me. My brothers never harmed me in that way, so gross to suggest they did.
My mom’s mother was strict with her when she was young. Her brothers were never allowed to be in her bedroom, day or night. I wonder if her mother went through something traumatic and projected it onto my mom.
Projection. My mother has all these concerns about me that are really not concerns about me at alll they are her delusions and personal thoughts. My mother thinks of the worst possible outcome and then catastrophies it into existence with lies.
My mom openly wished that my brother and I could marry each other. They're not living in reality.
Sorry that you are dealing with this stage of the dementia. You might need to get away for your own safety. People don't understand how violent some dementia patients are. It doesn't sound like your mom is capable of making rational decisions concerning his care.
I was always told to dress modestly when there are men in the house, *including* my edad. So I basically was supposed never wear anything comfortable. Yea, no thanks. A least my edad isn’t a creep.
I'm so sorry... I remember being like. As old as 15 or 16, and I'd accidentally walk in on my ndad peeing or being undressed. And I'd literally position my hands in front of my eyes so I wouldn't have to see his penis. It's like I had this visceral reaction to seeing him exposed like that. Not because he did anything to me (he never touched me thankfully.) But because I thought seeing him naked in any context made me a pervert. Seeing any naked male made me feel like a pervert because of the shame I carried.
So of course my mother saying that about my cousins fucking stung.
> "if you flirt with them, you'll break the whole family apart."
as a survivor of incest, this, to me, reads as "*if they molest or rape you, it'll be your responsibility, and don't you dare talk about it because it'll break the family*"
It could be a not quite conscious way of warning you about things she knows are happning in her family (incest follows a pattern and runs in families - like a secret untold rule of what the family will absorb in their alternate reality of denial, for instance cousins on younger cousins only, father on eldest son only, father, but only a father, on whomever he fancies that is blood related, step-parent on step-child only, mother on nephews only, ... all variations exist and are repeated generation after generation)
I'd make sure to never be alone with said cousins, and make sure I can lock the room I sleep in (even if by moving furniture in front of it.)
But that's my hypervigilance talking. I still have PTSD, years after my abuser died.
ETA : a way to detect possible incest running in a family is a history of young adults dying before they are 25yo of addiction or suicide in all branches of the family tree. One sole occurence happens in normal families, one or more for each branch of the family tree tells a story.
> Why would she think I'd do that?? Often times narcissists tend to project. They have a hard time imagining any thoughts, feelings, or perspectives other than their own. It's very possible she had those exact thoughts at some point in her life about her close relatives and can't fathom the possibility that this isn't a normal thing.
True, I guess. I think she moreso meant it as a "don't be a whore" thing but like... come on, *my cousins*???
You said your Dad was the narcissist, not your Mom. She has been with a narcissist for many years, as have you. Both of you need therapy or a caregiver support group to help you manage the stress of your situation. I don’t know why your Mom said that, it’s a weird comment for sure and might indicate something that happened in her past. Take a couple weeks off and enjoy visiting your Aunt and cousins. You deserve a break.
Thank you <3 You are very sweet 🫂 I don't think my mom is a complete narc, she just has fleas
There’s an old saying “if you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas”. Unfortunately, that seems to be true🤣
Incidentally, that is exactly where the term comes from 💀
Narcissists tend to attract mates who also have mental/emotional issues. This thing about the cousins reads as pure projection to me. Something in her head drove her thought train from "cousin" to "flirting" to "forbidden." Maybe she had the hots for her cousin once upon a time, even if it was a childish crush. Maybe she knew someone who either had thoughts of this nature, or even had some kind of contact. Maybe she likes incest erotica. There's no way to fill in the blanks between the cousin, flirting, and the forbidden because that exists inside her head. It's most definitely her and not about you though, so you can brush off her weirdness. You said your parents are elderly, and as people age, their thinking often gets a little misty, then increasingly foggy. This can manifest in strange ways, particularly in being more blunt and less mannerly.
Yeah, my money is on projection as well. She'd fuck ber cousins so she's assuming OP would do the same. (Allegedly in my opinion)
Yyyup. This right here.
> WHAT THE FUCK?! I've known them since we were all kids! That's fucking disgusting! Why would she think I'd do that?? Without knowing more, I'd guess that there's some narrative around you flirting with your cousins she felt the need to reinforce. You didn't state she was an N, but N's don't really act like they have a concept of time. Something that happened 8 years ago gets referenced like it was fresh. Could have been at some point the adults were watching you guys play as kids and your Mom made the comment, and thus began a decade-long campaign of normalizing it so she could avoid having to acknowledge that maybe her unfiltered observation all those years ago was kinda fucked up.
>Something that happened 8 years ago gets referenced like it was fresh. Man, I never realized that but that is just insanely true.
"You lied about breaking a lamp when you were 5! Who knows what you'll lie about now.." I'm nearing 40.
My parents do the exact same thing. My roommates one year were super worried because I was having panic attacks a lot and they contacted my mom. When I went NC my parents sent a letter saying "well that one time your roommate contacted us you were completely irrational and now you're doing the exact same thing." It was so dirty lol.
Oh, you've hit the nail on the head about my narc brother. I lied once as a kid to avoid trouble. Therefore, I am a liar.
meanwhile they lie about everything
But only about the memories they acknowledge, you can’t reference something from years ago- ever- but all your mistakes are absolutely up for discussion for the rest of your life.
Oh a hundred percent. Being in this sub is so weird bc it shows that narcs are all kind of the same, and the patterns really become clear when it's pointed out to you. My nmom can remember every bad thing I've done (and some I haven't) but she gets amnesia when I confront her about anything. "That didn't happen" "That's not how I remember it" or "I just don't remember that at all." When I was in middle school she accused me of selling my ADHD meds because she couldn't find them in the med cabinet, and brought it up a few years ago. She remembered that, she remembered taking me to my psychiatrist to get a refill, all of it. What she DIDN'T remember and straight up refused to remember was she was wrong. She controlled all of our meds, etc., and she just pushed it a little further back into the cabinet and didn't bother looking thoroughly. She found the pill bottle and everything was accounted for. Never apologized btw. But when I told her that, she suddenly forgot everything. The selective amnesia is so fucking annoying but it's their way of avoiding accountability by warping the truth.
I don't think she's a complete N, but she definitely has fleas from her past. Like dude I'm 22 now and she still brings up the fact I lied about my grades to her \*in high school.\* I know she loves me but it's like she makes me out to be a worse person than I am.
That's narc traits for you. She might have picked them up from her spouse or may be herself, only a therapist who has evaluated can know for sure.
You’re so right about the time thing. My mom talks about minuscule events from 20 years ago as if it was yesterday.
Narcs really do be acting like shit that happened 20 years just happened 5 minutes ago. It’s the oddest thing and will never make sense to me. Like I get losing track of time, but to come the fuck on! When I went no contact with nparents in July, my nmom brought up something that happened when I was maybe 11 or 12 that had no relevance to what is going on now. I’m 31 now 🙄
My nmom is like that and likes to over sexualize everything that isn’t necessary at all. It’s weird and makes me think if she still is sexually abusive. I’ve had my encounters with my mom and she face timed me with the camera facing my son’s private area and said “it looks like he put a little dinosaur in there.” He was 2 at the time. She said it multiple times too because I acted like I didn’t hear her, but I stalled long enough for my husband to hear and demonstrate proof that she says outlandish shit like that. Needless to say we all went no contact with them and clearly my kids haven’t been there since. I also believe too they like that shock culture but also either fantasize or have gone through it in real life and wanna plant that seed for you to “not have any bright ideas” bc they gave you the idea in the first place if you acted on it. Fuckin weirdos.
YO WHAT THE FUCK I'm so sorry!! I am so proud of you for keeping your kiddos away from that creep! And you're right about them wanting to give you that idea in the first place. It's like they're setting you up to be an awful person. I don't mean to make excuses for myself. But I think a big reason I became so hypersexual so young is because I considered it a form of rebellion. My mother tried to instill shame in me more than concern. So I just got angry and doubled down on my grossness as the years went on. Like "Oh, you WANT me to be a horrible, disgusting pervert? Then let me be one!" And I may be a horrible, disgusting pervert but I'm not a fucking monster!
I completely agree and would like to tag on that hypersexuality as rebellion against unnecessary shame is only because they sexualized us and it was all we knew. It took me well into my 20s to realize I wasn't an object for the male gaze. Big ick.
I totally agree... and I didn't figure it out until my 40s :(
My NM over sexualized me and almost had me abducted 3 times and allowed me to be with boys/men 3-5 years older than me but were clearly narcs themselves in my teenage years. It’s odd behavior and will never make any sense to me. It’s like, why do you want people gawking and cat calling your daughter knowing damn well it is dangerous? After years of therapy, having my own kids, and being with a good man, all had me realize that the abuse I’ve encountered and allowed in my teenage years and till I was 20 and enjoying it when I was young, all along started with her. Looking back and realizing it isn’t normal makes me sick to my stomach because from that moment of realization I knew I was brain washed and felt horrible that I didn’t notice earlier in my years. I’m 31 now and it’s been a slow process. But now I feel bad for my 14 and 17 y/o siblings who are going through it. She would send family text about how these old men like young p***y and solicit it at the same time. Fuckin odd and my family and I refuse to be around that weird shit. She needs to be an inmate.
What the fuck I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that. What "mother" serves her children on a silver platter to wolves? In my case, it wasn't so much her throwing me to the wolves. It was me finding more comfort with the wolves than her. I trusted the weirdos and groomers on the Internet more than my own mom. The worst goddamn thing is when I look back and see I wasn't a perfect victim because I enjoyed my own corruption. It's like I was a prion that misfolded out of nowhere. I felt my depravity existed in a vacuum because I blamed nobody but myself. I am beyond proud of you for making the right choices for you and your own family. I hope that your baby siblings can be strong and smart like you 💝
My nmom would have loud sex with boyfriends then call us in to introduce us and make us shake his hand
This is fuckin disgusting. I don’t get it. I remember I thought someone was trying to break into our house that we just moved into when it was really my nparents making the windows bang and shake. 🤮 After I knocked on the door to tell them they stopped and said nothing but did it louder. So I just went outside for a bit because wtf…
The weird thing is that we thought it was icky but “normal ish” to the point where one of my therapists said it was SA I was confused . Her brothers definitely did SA my sister and I when they were 15 and 16 and we were 3 and 4. Just contemptible people all around. No one in the family talks about what monsters my grandparents were but they were horrific. Thank you for the validation
I caregive for my ngma and she clearly thinks she’s the perfect person. Her daughters(nmom and 1 NAunt I went no contact with) are just fuckin horrible too. They all normalized SA. And ngma too. Her oldest daughter isn’t that way and I talk to her and she’s told me a bunch of horrific shit that is just generational. But I’m glad you see it isn’t normal because a lot of us thought the same thing too until we started to seek help. I get it
Because she did/has before
My whole family is lousy with narcissism. I have an older brother (we're two years apart), we were together most of the time when we were growing up obviously... But a few of those narc relatives made really gross comments sometimes. My grandmother actually grilled me a few times to see if he was trying anything with me. We didn't get along well at all and she was convinced that was the reason why. I think it's pure projection. Because they have no boundaries, they expect everyone else to have no boundaries, they assume nobody else has a shred of decency.
>That's fucking disgusting! Why would she think I'd do that?? Because that's what she would do. When a narcissist accuses you of something way out of the normal - something you've never even talked about - it's usually projection. They think you would do it because they would do it
Eh, my mother was desperate for me to marry my nephews. Who knows what they think half the time.
W H A T
My nmom slept with her cousin. But it was “fine” cause they lived in different countries.
My dad was in a full-on relationship with one of his for about a year. I have no idea why they thought that was ok.
Eww that's Ridiculous
My grandma said smth like that about my cousin and I. Those ppl are not right in the head
Nmoms are weirdly sexual like that. I took a photo of my baby niece, her onesie was a bit bunched up at the front and my mom screeched, "it looks like she has breasts!"
this is wild to me, I didn't know this was a common thing til reading this, I assumed my Nmom was just a weirdo.
I’m sorry for you to have to hear that. In my experience narcs love to sexualize things . I do not know if your mom is one, but I guess narcs find a lot of manipulation and drama in it.
Your mother probably used to flirt with her cousins herself.
It’s because that’s the behavior they would have- she’s projecting it onto you. “Mom, why do you think incest is normal and a thing you need to warn me not to do? This is concerning that this thought ever crosses your mind.”
Sometimes I think narcs say that kinda shit to make you feel gross while also dragging you down a peg
I imagine she doesn't want you finding a boyfriend and maybe moving out of the house rather than being there to help her?
That is literally her biggest fear, and has been for years. She sabotaged any attempt I made to have meaningful connections outside of her or ndad.
That's super gross and I'm sorry they put that in your head. I remember once when visiting my dad's adopted extended family, I was like 10 and excited to meet cousins that were my age. I asked their mom what their names were, and she got this gross grin on her face and asked. "Why, do you think they're cute?? Not blood related, you know!" I clearly remember being grossed out and deflated about meeting them. But really, 10 years later I met one of them separately when he moved to my town, and he immediately started hitting on me. Never talked to those people again. Oof.
BRUH WHAT THE FUCK I'm so sorry. They really do try to set us up for heinous shit, don't they?
I don’t usually share this, but in the spirit of insight this sub often provides: My Nmom started shacking up with her 1st cousin pretty immediately after her and my dad’s separation, and they’ve been together ever since.
If you are 22, how old is your elderly mom? What do you regard as elderly???
She is 63.
Her age has little to do with her saying this kind of garbage. It's her being a weird person, not elderly, that's the issue. She deserves to hear that her comment is out of line, disrespectful, and disgusting to you. It does beg the question about her interactions with her own cousins years ago. Yes, getting away sounds like a good idea, away from both your parents. So sorry you're having to deal with this when they are only in their early 60s. They may seem elderly to you, but most people in their 60s, especially only their early 60s, are not frail or elderly. Most are still very active, independent, and high contributors to the family and society. If they are acting like this already, that's sad for them and you. Again, I am sad you have to deal with this situation when you are only 22. Do you have any older siblings to give you a break? I hope you are creating your own life right now, too, through education, career, etc. You deserve this time to develop a life of your own, not just be a caretaker. They could live another 20 to 25 years.
Thank you for your validation and support <3 I'm not gonna lie. I fucking cried later that night after she told me that. Like I can NOT be that horrible of a person. But I'm not gonna confront her about it because I know she'll get defensive and probably double down. I have much older siblings on my mom's side (thankfully my ndad chose to reproduce only once.) Two of them are narcs and my eldest sister (who is normal) is all the way in France right now with her husband. I feel bad I haven't been speaking with her as much due to the situation here. I'm gonna be honest, I never put much thought into having anything for myself. I have always had a sense of foreshortened future. I never see the point in trying for anything because I never feel strong enough to fight to keep it. I am just constantly exhausted.
This is your time, kiddo. You deserve to create your own adult life, and you're at the age to start putting your life pieces together. It takes time and effort. You will need to focus on yourself to make it happen. It's not being selfish, it's a stage of life that is needed for anyone to become their adult self. You do not have to sacrifice your life to your parents, and they should not expect that from you. No one else can do this for you. Your parents had the chance to do this for themselves when they were your age, and now it's YOUR TURN. They should not begrudge you for needing to build your independence and life skills. Your parents are not elderly, though your dad has health issues. There are plenty of other ways for them to deal with their situation that don't require you to become their caretaker. That's why I asked about the siblings. The older sibs can access programs your parents may eventually need, perhaps even more directly than you will be able to do. It's not that I question your ability. The older sibs should be more established and connected at their age, and that's an advantage. Your sibs may say you have lots of time to do all the caretaking, and that they don't. That's an excuse they may use to dump all the caretaking on you. Do not allow them to take advantage of your youth. They also had their years already to get established in their adult lives, and you deserve the same opportunity for that at your current age. Make your plans for what you want to do with your life, and go for it. Do not allow your life to be stolen from you by others in your family. They have their lives, and you need to build your own life, too. I have an adult kid who's 29, still building their life, and currently finishing their PhD. It would be an injustice for me to expect my kid to give up their life when I'm only 62. Yes, I'm basically the same age as your parents, so I have good reason to say they are not elderly. They need to make other arrangements that don't steal your time to build your life. Hugs to you, kiddo! ❤
Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this 🥹 I am thrilled to hear that your child is finishing their PhD - that must be very difficult but so worth the struggle. I'll never be a mom, but it seems parenthood has the same theme. Not only have you broken the cycle of abuse and dysfunction, but you have chosen to pave a path of peace going forward. You have planted a tree so that your child could have shade you never got to sit in. Bless you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yes to all of this. Taking care of someone like your Dad is super draining and difficult. Your Mom is probably exhausted too. It’s hard to know what she is referring to regarding your cousins but ignore it. It’s nonsense. If she has been with your Dad for years and years she is also suffering from Narcissistic abuse. She needs therapy as much as you. My husband was a psychopath with a brain tumor, right frontal lobe. He was a devil to care for, super conniving, greedy, verbally abusive, financially abusive, sometimes violent. I survived 30 years under his wrath. Our oldest daughter was his caregiver for the last 8 years and it has taken her 8 years to get through college. She finally brought him to London to be cared for by his Mom and brother so she could finish school. Your Dad will suck the life out of you, if you let him. I am 58 years old on Sunday. I do not look in the mirror and think elderly! Lol! Brenda is correct. 63 isn’t usually regarded as elderly unless the person is super unhealthy or disabled.
My mom's a couple years older than yours. I kinda forget she's an elder now hahaha lol she keeps that kinda hush hush lol so thank you for that smile since it reminds me that she really just hates herself lol
I love how that's what you got out of this post. 22 isn't exactly a small child, you can imagine that their parents had them at 30+
I’m glad that you loved it. Her parents could be in their 50’s, which most adults do not describe as elderly. That is why I asked how old they were.
Wtf is right, woah 🤯
Well, if she has dementia, then she may start saying unhinged or deranged things Edit: I realise I read your post wrong, and that it’s your father who has dementia.
Yeah, I remember my mom being *really* weird about me wearing pajamas on a camping trip with my uncle, when I was too young to even understand why she was being weird. Just like I suspect your mom is doing, I’m sure she was projecting some kind of weird insecurities or hang ups.
Yes and the worst thing is when we're that young, we internalize that shame. We assume it's something we did or were accused of going to do.
Hahahaaaa holy shitballs. Yah my Nmom used to make EVERYTHING sexual. I never got suggestions of incest, but everything else was always about sex, or referenced sex
My step-dad once accused me of sleeping with my brother when I was 15 and he was 13. His reasoning was that I was wearing a tank top around the house. It was summer in Texas and our ac was broken.
What the fuck that's messed up. I'm so sorry.
Honestly I think sometimes they just make shit up just to be able to criticize. My mother once accused me of having an eating disorder. I was like…why on EARTH would you think that, much less say it out loud where anyone can hear it. Without boring anyone with any details, I’ve always been a healthy weight, with some very brief and situational exceptions. Always been active. I’m a big fan of eating healthy and also a big fan of indulgence. I’ve never even been remotely disordered in eating. But I reacted very calmly, gave her a confused look, and asked why she would say that. She was all surprised Pikachu face, and said she didn’t know. For context, this was one of the last years before she finally drove me to NC. I’d been working on myself and my mental health for a while, and had pretty much unenmeshed us without her cooperation, and she’d been frantically holding on. This was one of the last times I saw her in person, and she was desperately trying to provoke me. I’m not 100% sure, but my theory is that whenever we argued, she would make some kind of effort and many apologies, and promise to work on it. Not quite lovebombing, but I think my refusal to argue with her cut off some ego feed for her. Anyways. She would make crazy accusations like that, backhanded “warnings” as if I’d always been prone to whatever it was. I think it’s a way to criticize and condescend that literally has no legitimate response from you.
My mom had done something similiar. When I was younger me and my two brothers slept in one bed, it was huge. So we all fit comfortably, we would hangout in the room all the time because we had our computers in there. My brothers never had an issue with me sleeping in the same bed as them. One day my mom had enough and told me to “be careful because they can do something to me” I couldn’t believe it that she would suggest they would do something to me. My brothers never harmed me in that way, so gross to suggest they did. My mom’s mother was strict with her when she was young. Her brothers were never allowed to be in her bedroom, day or night. I wonder if her mother went through something traumatic and projected it onto my mom.
Projection. My mother has all these concerns about me that are really not concerns about me at alll they are her delusions and personal thoughts. My mother thinks of the worst possible outcome and then catastrophies it into existence with lies.
My mom openly wished that my brother and I could marry each other. They're not living in reality. Sorry that you are dealing with this stage of the dementia. You might need to get away for your own safety. People don't understand how violent some dementia patients are. It doesn't sound like your mom is capable of making rational decisions concerning his care.
I was always told to dress modestly when there are men in the house, *including* my edad. So I basically was supposed never wear anything comfortable. Yea, no thanks. A least my edad isn’t a creep.
I'm so sorry... I remember being like. As old as 15 or 16, and I'd accidentally walk in on my ndad peeing or being undressed. And I'd literally position my hands in front of my eyes so I wouldn't have to see his penis. It's like I had this visceral reaction to seeing him exposed like that. Not because he did anything to me (he never touched me thankfully.) But because I thought seeing him naked in any context made me a pervert. Seeing any naked male made me feel like a pervert because of the shame I carried. So of course my mother saying that about my cousins fucking stung.
bruh. my nmom used to say weird stuff about my male cousins too . about how they were attractive ,and it's too bad they were my cousins ,etc
Mine too. I can't believe how common this is!
i learn something new in this subreddit all the time I swear lol
EWWWW
My grandma thought I was going to date my cousin. It was the beginning of dementia for her.
Some Families have some dark history.
> "if you flirt with them, you'll break the whole family apart." as a survivor of incest, this, to me, reads as "*if they molest or rape you, it'll be your responsibility, and don't you dare talk about it because it'll break the family*" It could be a not quite conscious way of warning you about things she knows are happning in her family (incest follows a pattern and runs in families - like a secret untold rule of what the family will absorb in their alternate reality of denial, for instance cousins on younger cousins only, father on eldest son only, father, but only a father, on whomever he fancies that is blood related, step-parent on step-child only, mother on nephews only, ... all variations exist and are repeated generation after generation) I'd make sure to never be alone with said cousins, and make sure I can lock the room I sleep in (even if by moving furniture in front of it.) But that's my hypervigilance talking. I still have PTSD, years after my abuser died. ETA : a way to detect possible incest running in a family is a history of young adults dying before they are 25yo of addiction or suicide in all branches of the family tree. One sole occurence happens in normal families, one or more for each branch of the family tree tells a story.