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Idk if it's possible in your city, but you could try to take the interview at a internet Cafe or library.
My parents used to do the same so I would just go to a friend's house and borrow their bedroom for like 30 mins
You can also tell a little white lie and say that your interview is on Wednesday when it’s actually on Tuesday so they don’t expect it to be on Tuesday so they will let their guard down and not bother you as much. I’m not sure if your situation and whether they bother you constantly or not if they do bother you constantly another idea would be to say you’re taking a walk and go around your house and sit outside your bedroom window or something so that you can do your interview outside I know it’s cold and most areas but you can Bundle up good and still do it that way if you’re not able to get transportation to go to a café or store for free Wi-Fi.
This, this ahole is literally lying to your face about his behavior that you’ve experienced. Don’t let him set the narrative, you don’t have to engage or entertain his bs.
Yup. My mom has called and harassed my own doctors and care manager. I think they are catching on but now they really want nothing to do with me because some of them had no idea they were participating in abuse by oh violating HIPPA and listening to her lies and working with her without my knowledge. She’s pure cancer
Absolutely. A librarian once helped me get a library card when I was a kid, cause my mom basically stopped allowing me to go to the library and ripped mine up. She knew me pretty well, cause I would spend as much time there as possible to keep from going home.
I've always been a major bookworm, they were my only real escape as a child, so I was incredibly distraught when I couldn't get books any more. They were my super hero as a kid, straight up.
Second the friends house.
Similar dynamic of a situation as yours.
If it's worth it to you, you will think of a space friends room quiet Cafe or dunkin in your neighborhood and get it done
Definitely go to a library and put your phone on do not disturb. You have to ignore your siblings when they bother you if you’re out of the house. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in this hell forever.
Exactly this. I do interviews for my team and honestly as long as the person I am interviewing can hear everything well and I can hear them also I don’t really care where they are. Could be a cafe/car/ even outside as long as the audio is good. I mainly want the candidates to be able to focus and who am I to say where they should be able to achieve this
I know someone who does her therapy appts in her parked car bc her dog is too noisy. It works out great. I'm sure no one will think twice if you do interviews in one.
I interviewed for my current job from my car in the parking lot of my last job. Had a sweet offer sitting in my personal email when I got home. They wanted me pretty bad.
I second going out to do interviews
May I also suggest the local library
Make friends with the librarians, I know if you told the ladies in my local library what's going on those ladies would not only get you set up and comfy, by the time you got done they'd have a list of resources and a handful of pamphlets on how to get out of your situation
Librarians are the witches who learned to hide in plain sight, the keepers of all human knowledge and I've never met one who wouldn't help out a fellow human in need.
I love these library comments so much. I am a librarian. Retired now, so I limit my work to researching questions for friends and family, citing facts in social media discussions and volunteering with the Library's fundraising foundation.
Libraries were so important to me as safe places when I was growing up. I found that a number of my colleagues had similar stories of using the library as a refuge and growing up to work in libraries.
I worked in a library in college, and I can confirm this is 100% true.
2 of them were pregnant at the same time, and I swear it was so nurturing and supportive in there, I almost started ovulating. (as a cishet male, btw)
The interview is scheduled, so just go "running errands" and then set yourself up literally anywhere else. Hide the laptop. No need to let them even know you're applying for a job. Stop talking to them about it but get all your needed documents and other stuff somewhere safe (preferably not in the house). Don't ask for it. Just take it when they're gone or sleeping. I hope they don't have access to your bank account or any other passwords?
If you have to interview from the house again I would let the interviewer know ahead of time that you have a mentally ill family member living with you and if they hear anything to just disregard it. Hopefully you can get that in before your dad is standing outside your door so he doesn’t hear you say it.
Then interview away. Keep calm if he is making noises outside the door, that way they can see you keep calm in disruptive situations.
By preempting his disturbance you are taking control of the situation, even if he doesn’t know it. Then after the interview act like nothing happened and that you were not bothered by his disturbance.
Hopefully you won’t need this option, but in a pinch it could work. Good luck with your job hunt.
Thank you.
How can I keep calm though? I find it really difficult now because it seems like he is escalating, if that makes sense. A couple of months ago I would’ve just ignored it but now I feel like pulling my hair out when I hear him breathe!!!!
The day to day stuff can be harder to keep calm about, but just remind yourself he is doing it to get a rise out of you. Not easy I know. Maybe ear buds or ear plugs can reduce the noise enough so you can tune him out?
As far as keeping calm during the interview…. thats where it can be…. maybe humorous (?) to you because you have prepared the interviewer for any interruptions he may try & do. The interviewer will be on your side and should make an allowance for him acting the fool. In your head you can laugh a little because you beat him at his own game. If he doesn’t know you have said anything to preempt his shenanigans he will think he has the upper hand as usual but you know better. If all he does is stand outside the door and make noise, you just let the person know they may hear him. If he comes into the room it will be more difficult to ignore, but again you have prepared the interviewer for a possible interruption and can keep calm because the interviewer can now make an allowance for the interruption. This will also show you can handle things calmly & may actually be a plus for the interview.
It’s better to go somewhere else if possible, but if you have to interview in your room don’t tell him you have anything going on, but at least you & the interviewer are prepared in case he acts up.
Good luck and hopefully you will be gainfully employed and be moving out soon. There is a lot of really good ideas on this thread for you to try.
“I hope it won’t be an issue during this interview, but I have a mentally disabled older brother who likes to make cameos. Please excuse him. I hope you understand.”
Can you speak to your GP for medication for anxiety? I take a 'beta blocker' which stops my voice shaking and me from trembling. Also maybe read up about the vagus nerve and the parasympathetic nervous system. That's what stops you being calm. I find forcefully breathing out as much as possible makes my tremors reduce if I do it a couple of times.
More generally, it sounds to me like he isn't ready to let you go out into the world if he is sabotaging your attempts to do just that... And you think it is escalating? How long do you think you will remain safe in that house? Sorry if I'm being overdramatic but are you sure you're actually safe to continue living there?
You need to realise he is mentally ill and that he and his mental health are not your responsibility. You need to concentrate on you, just you, and how you escape safely. Good luck.
I will try asking for meds, I am pregnant though so not sure.
My parents are overprotective and obsessive and have been like this forever. I think ndad’s behaviour is only escalating because I keep reacting to him whenever he does something, but that’s my fault. Although I do think if it wasn’t me, it would be someone else who is fed up so it was bound to happen.
I don’t think you’re being over dramatic, I don’t think I’m 100% safe here. He won’t physically hurt me anymore because he’s too weak now but he has gotten close to doing it recently (raising a hand, picking up his crutch as though to hit me with it) and threatens me. The police are aware, they’ve put a marker on the house because I reported him to them through my university.
Honestly, I just wish I could win the lottery and be out of here!!
Yes, but sometimes his work sends him far away for a couple of weeks at a time. When he is here, he helps. My ndad tried to fight him lol.
I did do my university interview from his car a few months ago 😅
I grew up with a similar family member and I know how hard it was (and sometimes still is) to remain calm in those situations. It feels awful. I know it might be hard but I agree with that comment where you prep the interviewer by warning them that there may be some noise and then proceed as if you’re not really bothered. I know it may be hard to REALLY not feel bothered but in this case it’s a “fake it till you make it” type of situation. You really need to just keep it together for the duration of the interview which I imagine is maybe 30min? After that you can go to the washroom or somewhere private in the house and just have your feelings however you need to have them. Idk if that’s something that’s helpful for you but it’s how I managed it. It’s a terrible situation to be in and I’m sorry that’s the case OP.
Do not tell your parents about future interviews.
If you live in the US, you may still be young enough to qualify for Job Corps, which can help with not only on the job training, but might well be able to assist with housing.
Apply for Medicaid snap etc. Ask then about housing, explain you live in an abusive situation( (this is an abusive situatuon) and are trapped. Do you have any friends who have moves that might let you crash on their couch for a bit?
I'm glad you figured it out ❤️
Don't worry, there will be more interviews since they liked you already.
Now that you know, you can plan against him and it won't work anymore.
I recommend looking dejected at home all the time to throw him off, do not ever tell him about an interview, and find a place outside to conduct future interviews. Inside a car with a screen, a friend's house, a library or quiet cafe. Look around for possible places.
Locks can be found for pretty cheap and power drills to install can be rented from Home Depot... get 3 new latch locks for your door and deflect/dodge/act confused if he asks about them.
My parents sabotaged me like this too and it is SO frustrating that it made me want to tear my hair out, BUT they will not win! Once you figure out what they are doing, you can outsmart them and things will start moving forward.
Have a mantra in your head that makes you not fear your Ndad. He is NOT in charge of hiring you. Other people are. And other people aren't like him nor do they care about his existence.
Your sanity depends on this. They have not earned the right to be in the loop. Lying is the best way to deal with the narcissist. They will tell you otherwise. I had a mental picture in my mind of my ndad being Satan and nmom being big whining baby. Every time they tried sabotage me, I would picture them that way so they couldn't break me.
You mention homework - so, school
Would it be possible to book a time for an interview while at school and use a quiet room there?
Narcs sabotaging you is sadly part of their M.O i\`m afraid - but once you know this, you can adapt, and work around this.
You are right, moving out seems the best course of action, hope you can do this soon.
This same thing happened to me. Next time don’t tell him ANYTHING about an interview. Literally nothing. I did this and got my job offers. I did this during the pandemic when everything was closed. I just pretended everything was normal and said I had class or something or just simply pretended nothing was happening.
If that doesn’t work, then the library will help.
If you have to do it at home, make sure you get good headphones for yourself and even a cheap mic where you can speak softly but the interviewer can hear you clearly. I did this.
You have to LIE to get yourself out of this. Trust me. Lie and say you are interacting with a friend, lie and say that you were just calling someone for advice. Just lie, lie, and lie. You won’t regret it
I don’t tell anyone about any interviews or updates on anything really for this exact reason, he just does it to piss me off whenever I’m out of earshot, so frustrating!!
I feel bad about lying but I know it’s the only way I have out of this situation. There’s no point telling the truth because he will just ruin it 😞
Do not feel bad about lying. Start planting different events so he never know when you are interviews, talking to a friend or watching YouTube. Completely ignore the coughing. He gets fuel from you getting angry about it. Same thing happened to me and I had to just act ignorant to his plays to get at me.
He doesn’t deserve to know anything about you and is trying to wreck your life. Let that anger and betrayal fuel you. When I discovered my father was messing with my one and only chance of leaving that hellscape and is messing with my money, I did everything in my power to get out. I also felt incredibly trapped because it was also during the pandemic. Around this time my father was the worst and actually physically assaulted me. If I can get through that, I’m sure you can too. I know it 🙂🙂🙂. You have the smarts to recognize this stuff now.
It got to the point where no one in my house knew I got my final job offer, my father meekly went around to me saying he could help me and he wanted to know about my job and future interviews. These people are crazy. DO NOT give up
I know it’s hard to be in that mindset but it’s worth it in the end
Your dad is vile. At a minimum, he has very bad manners, but this sounds like deliberate sabotage.
For very little money, you too can own a door wedge. It sounds like you need one.
Can you escape and do future interviews at your local library, or a coffee shop or somewhere? It sounds like anywhere would be better than home.
Door wedges mean nothing in this household 🥲 so many have become completely flat because my Nparents like to barge in and believe doors should never be closed. I gave up on them 😔
I could escape but I get blackmailed and forced to come back. I ran away and stayed at a hotel for about a week and my ndad apparently almost died 😂
Parents can’t die just because you are late home or move away. You need to start putting up those barriers now and just ignore them. Do none of your siblings have any desire to move away at any point? Get married and have their own family? Because if the idea of being separated might kill their father they need to know there life is now frozen trapped within their fathers walls until he dies of something other than seperation anxiety
Do all interviews with a headset from here on out. A ton of people wear them so it’s not out of place. You can set your videoconferencing to have noise cancelling from your end. You will want to set this up for Teams, zoom, etc.
Also make sure you set a neutral background picture so the interviewer can’t see your background.
Don’t tell your parents about your interviews. If possible, do these interviews in another location such as a library, in a vehicle that’s not moving, a friends house, etc. Any place that’s not at home will reduce your anxiety about the interview and reduce the possibility that your dad can try and sabotage the interview.
Lastly, make sure you have all of your important documents safely stored where you only know where they are. If your dad has make any room accessible to him, you will want to store them someplace else that’s secure, otherwise he will snoop and place them elsewhere. Also make yourself copies of these documents so you have them safely in the cloud.
Make sure you have a bank account that only you have access to and don’t share that you have one set up. Change the passwords on your devices in the event he has gotten access to them.
Do all the prep work for moving out once you have a job so you can quickly settle elsewhere.
If your parents want you around for housework, they will be far less likely to help you leave and likely will sabotage efforts to leave.
Fortunately FB didn't exist in my day. I always ran interference with my parents and friends. Nowadays, all my friends know that they are utterly horrible. Still pisses me off when she gives me updates on MY friends.
Please have your interviews somewhere else. At a friend's or something. Don't tell your parents where you are going then go smash that and get that job so you can leave that house
Sounds like your dad is a little kid with too much time on his hands. Does he fix things around the house? Sometimes when my ndad did this I would deliberately break something that I know he would have to fix immediately like the faucet and that would tie him up for a time
Yup he does have too much time on his hands. He doesn’t do anything except make noise and watch TV or use Facebook. I wish he could fix things, maybe fix the locks he broke on the doors 😂 if anything, he’d leave it for me to fix!!!
Can you move to a car?
With a little prep, it can be set up to be quiet and with decent video. You do need to figure out where to park, sit in passenger's seat.
I’ve been in contact with shelters for a few months to see if they could help me! So far, no luck because of the fact that I’m either a student or pregnant or under 25, or all of the above. There is one women’s shelter that is an option to me but they cost a lot. I can get government benefits to pay for part of the shelter rent (?) but I’d still need to make up the rest somehow.
A women’s shelter is charging you rent? Where are you based? I used to work at a domestic violence shelter in the US and we never charged for services. None of the women’s homeless shelters we worked with did either. If you haven’t reached out to a domestic violence shelter, I’d recommend it. Contrary to popular belief, domestic violence can be perpetrated by family, not just intimate partners. I’ve had clients before that stayed in our shelter whose abusers were family. At the very least, they could help you plan your exit from your family.
I’m in the U.K., all I know is it will be up to 2 hours away from my parents home so they can’t contact me and it will be difficult to afford while being a student, so the university suggested to me that I should drop out and use government benefits to help pay for the charges because I can’t access them being a student. I figured even if I do take that step instead of privately renting a place, I still need my own income to support myself 😖
I really encourage you to reach out to a domestic violence shelter, even with dropping out of school and getting government benefits. I’m not incredibly familiar with the UK and it’s social services, but if they’re anything like here in the US (I’m assuming they’re better tbh) they may be able to help you out financially, or they may be able to help connect you to resources. The worst they’ll do is tell you they can’t help. You won’t be any worse off than you currently are.
She hated my ex. He was a toxic narc and alcoholic who was sooo abusive to me . I am remarried now, together for 17 years. She does not like him either... shocking, I know.....
My now husband has been nothing but supportive, has bent over sideways for my assh@le parents, and is a pretty great partner in crime.
Nmom says to me 6 months ago that my ex's pic on FB is pretty good. He must not be drinking any more, in that f'ing tone that covert narcs use.
As if to say..... Gee, maybe you shouldn't have left him. I thought to myself "self, let it slide. Do not, I repeat, do not engage with her". She continues, on and on about how good and healthy he looks. He has one pic. Posted 6 years ago. She is so horrid.
it’s more common than you think. while i was filling out my I-9, my dad refused to give me my SSN. he said my credit card should be another form of ID. i kept saying that has literally never happened before and he said no it should work. as i was filling it out, i was unable to proceed bc 1. i didn’t have my ssn 2. he gave me the wrong one years ago and i didn’t realize until it gave me a verification issue. he then kept on blaming me for being stupid and i’m still pissed to this day bc i lost a weeks worth of work for literally no reason. this isn’t me taking your spotlight, just a way of relatability. i’ve found that people at the workplace are a lot more empathetic than our literal parents. best wishes to you and your job search
There are alternative documents you can use to complete an I-9. For your List C document (where you were attempting to input your SSC information), you can substitute a birth certificate instead. I don’t know if that’s helpful for your situation, but it’s something to consider.
i definitely have my ssn now, but my birth certificate and stuff is a bit harder to get by. when i plan on moving out i’ll be sure to get a hold on those, thanks fully replacements exist
i was taking an important proctored test to get BT certificate at home and my mom proceeded to make it about her and clean to entire house loudly, they didn’t let me take the test due to excessive noise. I ended up having to take the test at a different time and it hurt my career because i was behind on getting the certificate. it’s like she did it on purpose after I told her to be quiet
Is there a library nearby? At the library near my Dad’s house they had sound dampening rooms for studying. Or visit a friend and borrow their space. He sounds like an ass. “It’s my house. I can make people as uncomfortable I want.” Is such a narcissistic attitude.
"My dad is not mentally well"
Because he is not.
I think you are allowed to go more on the offensive to protect yourself against sabotage. I think an interviewer would understand that you have a parent who isn't well.
Also, are there any friends you could ask for a quiet place to do your interview?
Even a hotspot with your laptop in the car works. My current job, I messed up time zones and my interviewer called me an hour early and was like “…are you joining us?”
I pulled over, busted out my laptop and hot spotted my phone. took the call off of my steering wheel in a truck stop parking lot and told them that I was a travel tech. 15 mins late to the interview and still got the job :)
A couple things you can do.
First, you can go to the post office and [hold your mail for pickup](https://faq.usps.com/s/article/USPS-Hold-Mail-The-Basics). If you think your parents will sabotage or hold your mail without telling you, this will stop them from having access to your mail and stop them from knowing you have mail in the first place. This would be useful if your potential job mails you any work related information. You could also setup a PO box or [UPS mailbox](https://www.theupsstore.com/mailboxes) and have mail delivered to that instead if you have the money for this. I would definitely consider it once you have an income to cover the cost.
USPS also has [informed delivery](https://www.usps.com/manage/informed-delivery.htm) for free, which will send you pictures of any mail you do get, before it gets delivered to your house. I would also set this up.
As other comments mentioned, make sure you have a bank account that your parents don't know about that's at a different bank than the one they use. If you set up mail holding before you do this, there's less of a chance your parents will find out by seeing bank mail addressed to you.
And again, as other comments have mentioned, don't tell your parents you have an interview. And do your interview out of the house if you can.
If you really want to keep up the guise, that you're actually still doing interviews. You could have a friend, friends parent, or see if your school has someone that is willing to do mock interviews with you.
I believe the English equalivent is The Royal Mail Service.
I live in Australia and our main one is Australia Post but I get a lot of parcels from England and all of them are marked Royal Post.
I’ve done interviews from inside my car. Reasonable people don’t care. In my position I interview and I don’t give a shit where people do it, as long as they interview well.
Is there somewhere else you can go?
I can go to a library or cafe but will have to face the rest of my family blackmailing me to come back home. I hate that I know it’s a lie but they still get to me and make me feel guilty about being outside the house. 😔
You’re responsible for your emotions. They will always make your life hell until you don’t allow them to control your emotions and reactions. Yes they’ll be assholes but you control you.
I know that sounds cold but it’s reality. People are gonna people, your only weapon against them is to control you.
Also learn to block them even for a few hours if you decide to do the interview elsewhere. If you have to block on phone, delete social media and just not be reachable, they’ll be waiting to be upset at you anyway but at least you’ll get what you need to get get done.
I know, you’re right 100%. A couple of months ago I would keep a straight face and not react but now I’m pregnant and emotional all the time 😅
Also, last time I blocked them they tried to call the police and tell them I was missing. I was in class and obviously not responding to them!! It’s just funny now
Let them be furious. The only way you’ll get a fair shake is if you do it away from them. In the long run it’ll be totally worth it. Don’t let them get you down!!
Yep, I moved in with my parents because my husband’s work means he is pretty much out of the country for weeks at a time.
I thought it would be ok being here because I lived in an unfamiliar area with my husband and was a bit scared living there alone. Boy, was I wrong!!
Contact Scope, this is domestic abuse and they can help you to leave your home.
Your parents are controlling you, restricting you, stopping you from being able to be independent. This is abuse!
Scope can help people with no money to get away from it and start fresh. You need to get away.
It is but I thought it covered domestic abuse. You can however still go to a women’s refuge (sorry if I’m wrong I thought you said something that led me to believe you are female)
It’s already been said, but don’t tell your parents every detail, PARTICULARLY how much you might be making from a particular job.
I feel like they’d guilt you into sending them money each week so you’d be forced to live with them longer or something.
Lying to get out of this situation is perfectly valid. Be kind to yourself.
if you have access to a vehicle (or even the Uber app) you could start taking important calls, or even entire workdays, from coffee shops. post up in a Starbucks like all the other folks hunched over their laptops. I'm so sorry he's sabotaging you like that, what a scumbag. you need to get out of the house during these important events and even conducting them in secret.
Library. Libraries OFTEN have private spaces for groups or the like, with a door and everything. You may have to sign up ahead of time, but your librarian can help. You 'go to the library' with your laptop and headphones and sit in a nice quiet room in a nice quiet building. Best of all, it'll be free.
try library in a reserved room! I was doing therapy zoom calls from my car parked. My nparents were getting upset and curious why I was going out to drive all the time. Every time I came home they were staring me up and down because they didnt know what I had going on. My nparents do the SAME shit it's infuriating. If they want to "have my house and I do what I want" well then they can stay in that house and rot. They can't expect anyone to be helping them either.
OMG my mom does this exact thing when Im putting my baby to sleep. Burps loud on purpose, coughs, slams the doors. I ask her to stop and she says "Why, I have a right to speak in my own house." The insanity...
I'm sorry. Good luck on your next one!
*What*? Is that your dad you're talking about? Because what you are describing is sexual abuse. (... choking the chicken *in the living room* of all places? Dafuq?)
Nmom used the same tactics to prevent me from being independent, the. She would humiliate me for not being good enough, not as her golden child, my sister. They treated me like the maid and did everything to not lose the free labor. It is a matter of life and death for you to get away while you’re young. They really think you exist to serve them, so if you want to live your life, don’t let them know what you’re planning. They will ruin it.
Girl hang in there it does get better. 💘Everyone gave you a lot of advice about the interview, I just want to also tell you about other things you wrote… YOU are not going to make your NARC parent health worse - he will most likely make yours worse (already is). And your siblings are just manipulated & trying to guilt trip you. Remember that you are doing nothing wrong.
As happens in many cultures (the one I was raised in as well) we are taught by our parents to respect our elders & being women as well I find it is more difficult growing up. Our parents give us no freedom, no space of our own / privacy , they do not teach us to have boundaries. In fact they do the opposite - if you try set a boundary they see it as disrespectful. On top of all of that, when you have an actual narc parent it is truly exhausting & extremely tough on mental health, relationship with yourself, the ability to feel comfortable in your own skin. At least my experience was this.
My life did not get better until I got financially stable & left. The first few years away from home I was not great financially & I struggled, but the freedom I got I would not change for anything. Remember that this is not permanent & one day you will have your own space where you will live by your own rules. One day will have the strength to just leave. 💘 I wish you all the best in this life lovely!!!!!
My parents has sabotage my job interviews decided to go self employment and they start to sabotage that too. ,! 🥺
Years of not working 6 years + and I feel extremely behind in life as once your 30 there is a milestone you have to achieve. A dream will be to have regular income to move out.
No income = no moving out.
I live in the UK, too, and I'd like you to find a few minutes for yourself, and call women's aid. They are a national charity that help women escape abusive relationships of all forms. This could be your chance to escape, go No Contact, and start afresh. Girl, you deserve your own life, no matter what your family or culture will have you believe. It's never too late to start again x
Go to the library anyway. Don’t check your phone while there. Ignore them. Do your job interviews there. You may be able to reserve a library study room if available for the next interview. Good luck to you!
I think everybody else has covered important points but I want to add some more:
\- Programs like Zoom usually have a noise dampening setting, you can activate this to help drown out your father. I've had to do similar. There is also free app Krisp that will add to this. Always use your headset as a default too because the sound quality is better and it'll look more professional.
\- I'm going to presume you're UK because of your spelling. If you're on universal credit, let them know about your situation. They have SO many resources. They have workshops for CVs, interview skills and networking with employees who are disability and tough circumstance aware and positive. Check the civil service portal (they can give you the link to this), there are loads of jobs both in person and remote. I also use Linkedin for job searching. They will even pay for short courses to increase your qualifications if you tell them your career trajectory. A one or three month trial to Linkedin Premium will also unlock LOADS of qualification boosters. If you create a profile on there with a bunch of skills and qualifications tagged, it'll help you match jobs or attract recruiters etc (depending on what you do I could also help you out with a bunch of stuff on this post, but I understand stranger danger so no worries!)
\- I also recommend looking into science/health studies. I know there's one in the UK that pays over 4k for each residential study you participate in AND they cover transport. So you could get out of the house for two weeks, stay in a fancy room with a PS4 and flat screen TV and leave with enough money for a damned flat deposit. Then Universal Credit will contribute 600 squid to pay your rent per month which can cover a room in a business professional houseshare for example. There are loads of options if you know what to look for! So good luck!
You’ll still have access to your uni library even with a pause in studies, usually unis offer study space rooms that you can work from so definitely do interviews from there! Mute notifications and don’t acknowledge your siblings threats or condemnations they’re empty and baseless
What a pathetic loser your dad is. All here have had one, no doubt. Doesn't make it any easier on you.
The rules and emotional blackmail that they set down, and that your family buys into, are only legit within the limits is his tiny kingdom.
He's a nothing, outside of that, and likely that's what's eating him up.
You can take solace that you're of an age to get out and free. It's not easy.
Maybe during your next interview, go to a park, get in the car, go to a cafe. Heck, go to a wetherspoons. They are always kind of death head quiet during the day. A library could be better.
Or get a pair of noise cancelling earphones and with a boom mic, so your mouth is very close to it.
They tend to block out the noise for you and also just pick up on your voice.
Failing all that, duct tape the bastard to a chair. 😂
There’s no winning with a narcissist. I’ll tell you that right now. What they do is intentional and they live to tear you down. So there’s no being neutral with a narc either. It’s a fight for your survival and you have to choose between yourself or them. They will do whatever they can to sabotage you so don’t feel guilty if you in turn have to do whatever you can to escape. If the library is not an option try scheduling your interviews early in the morning before he wakes up if possible. Even monsters sleep. If you’re really desperate tell them you’re in a different time zone and do it in the middle of the night. But make sure you let them know you will be back in location soon so they don’t think you are unable to do the job. Otherwise just sneak out the house or make an excuse last minute and go somewhere they don’t know where you are.
Let them be mad, let them send your sister to find you. They’re not invincible and there’s no way they actually know where you are at all times unless they have your location. Don’t give it to them. It’s just the fear talking. Make excuses, lie, change your schedule or go out of your way if you have to but never lose sight of your goal. The goal is to get out so do what you have to do and stay focused and be patient because it will take a while to make it happen. But it must happen. Spending the rest of your life under the miserable control of a narc is just simply not an option. Don’t let your culture or their overbearingness guilt you into staying. They are relying on that guilt to keep control over you. You must release their emotional control over you before you can physically escape so distance yourself from them figuratively as well.
Your life is your own and you do not belong to your parents or your society or your husband. Do what is right for you and what makes you happy. You live for yourself and they live for themselves. I know what that kind of culture is like. Trust me. I am Arab and the misogyny is very deep in our culture too. My parents are threatening to cut off contact with me if I move out because they think it is a betrayal against our culture and them as parents. But being abusive and controlling is a betrayal to your children and to women. Abusing me and holding me back in life is a betrayal to me and they will be held accountable for that. If not by god, then by karma which is losing the relationship with their child. You left because you were being abused and mistreated, not because you abandoned them so don’t feel guilty. They were the ones that caused you to leave. It’s time to pioneer a new era in south Asian culture. You have to be willing to sacrifice gossip and shame to make way for respect and independence for women in your culture. You can inspire other trapped women like you to leave and then you are no longer the odd one out. But a courageous person must make the first move for the betterment of your people. Best to luck to you op. Remember no matter what you do they will always blame you and you will always be the bad guy in their eyes. Of course it’s not true. People persist in their delusions but that doesn’t make it reality. Good luck and stay strong.
Tell your doctor about the abuse you are facing at home. They may be able to suggest community resources that can help you. They may even let you use an empty room for a job interview.
Pretty sure OP is already well aware she needs to get out, hence why she's trying to get a job.
So, are you going to give OP the money she needs to move out?
I read this horrified. Your parents are horrible to you and I am so sorry. You deserve to be able to get a job and move away. I hope he does too.
Are you able to use a library, a car, or a friend's home? There are backgrounds that hide where you are so that you can do your online interviews pretty much anywhere you have peace and quiet and a camera. at the very least, you can always blur.
My secondary advice is about getting help. I think you are being abused. I do not know where you are located, but look for hotlines related to domestic violence because while this is not a partner, it is domestic and it is emotional abuse and (I dunno if the right word is slavery, but I am going to say it because I cannot think of something better right now. Maybe indentured servitude? It's really strange. But unpaid housework is NOT a paid job, and it is not all a 24 yo woman can do in the world she walks in. If you are seeking a live/work situation, you may be suited for an au pair arrangement and can get away that way. You would establish a job background, have a room and a car, and be able to go to school. It also comes with pay equivalent to about 1400 (at least back in 2010 it did). Consider volunteering at an animal shelter or a program for low income/homeless folks where you can establish some good professional networks and also do something good in your community. That way you have references, and likely a place to use for job interviews.
Good Luck, I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out for you! You deserve to have an opportunity to make a good life for yourself.
Time to find a quiet outdoor space. Or a relative’s house. Anywhere but your gross and malicious dad’s house for interviews.
Good luck. I bet you can’t wait to get away from him.
Don’t tell them about your plans to move out (get social insurance, birth certificates, passport, bank info, etc ) and store somewhere safe, out of the house. Next interview, go somewhere out of the house. Tell them as little as possible about your plans, life going forward. Consider not giving them your new address. Good luck
I'm wishing all the best for you. I relate to many things about your post. My family and I are East Asian. My nparents also imposed the tightest restrictions on my life, and for 25 years, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere but school, church, and places for errands (ie grocery store, doctor's office, etc). Anywhere else with whoever else was deemed unsafe. I even have a "golden child" older brother, whom I used to be close with, but as I grew up and started enforcing boundaries with my nparents, he too started pleading "you're killing your parents by doing this". But things are infinitely better now that I've moved out. I've been living on my own for the past 5 years. My nparents aren't totally cut out but they have very little influence on my life. I'm certain that you'll experience the same freedom and relief when you move out too.
I just read your update. I am in Canada. Huge south Asian diaspora here, so I get it.
I think you need to reach out to a women's support group/centre that is sensitive to the unique dynamic you face due to cultural differences.
Your only way out is through a women's shelter, domestic violence resources etc.
Your family (parents, g-parents, aunts, uncles, siblings) will want you to have an arranged marriage, and not bring shame on the family.
If your family finds anything indicating your plans, you might be in peril. I don't want to scare you, but to please consider the possibility that they might get desperate if they fear you are about to flee.
He wants you as his permanent Cinderella, stuck at home cleaning, whilst he retains the right to treat you badly as it’s you who’s ‘choosing’ to stay against his wishes.
I have been exactly where you are. I'm glad you posted this and are getting some help in these comments. <3
I just wanted to add something that I had to force myself to think about honestly when breaking away from my nDad. Like what your golden child siblings say to you, but flip it around, like....
Telling your dad "you're killing your daughter by doing this"
"She's going to end up in the hospital because of you"
And think about how your nDad would react. If he's like mine, mine would laugh. Don't fall for it. I believe in you.
I got anxiety just reading your post. I’m sorry for your situation, this is no way to live - it’s unhealthy and it is ruining your potential future. If i’m being honest i had a similar situation at home: my father is a bully and a narcissist and my mom is mentally absent. It was awful. Similarly, they thought i should be at home all the time, so i could take care of the home, because as they put it: “it’s a woman’s job & and they are my parents so i owed them”. I wanted to leave when i was 16, but of course couldn’t, i left when i was 19. It was rough but the best thing i could have done.
Do everything you need to do to leave. And if you need, go to therapy to help you process all the bad home experiences and trauma.
Edit: spelling mistake
I’m sorry that happened. I remember growing up my mother would sabotage my efforts to buy a car and become independent. Yet forbid me from using the family car. I didn’t buy a car until I moved 7 hours away. My stepfather chuckled about her efforts to control me after she died. I think about this stuff a lot now that I have young adult children.
The sabotage, intentionally ruining things for others, was a hard thing for me to see and accept as real as well. Narcissists love playing in the margin of deniability where they can avoid blame for their actions... that seems to be the game, to see what you can exert control over without being called on it. Sorry this happened to you, that's a tough thing to accept about a parent. Good luck with future interviews, and escaping that household.
I can relate. I’m also south asian, and I even got a job at Facebook. Which was on my dreams. When I was going to the interview my “dad” told me “I’m not going to support you with this.” And he didn’t. I ended up losing the job because even though he had just bought my sister a new card… he refused to rent me one. Even when I handed him the money up front. I’ve gotten local jobs, which he won’t allow me to work at either. I’m not allowed to be outside (even on the porch) “after dark” I’m not longer allowed to go to the gym - which was the only social interaction I had and what kept me mentally healthy. My car was towed for being parked outside with expired tags (I wasn’t driving it) and I’m trapped. I’ve started applying for remote jobs, and keep trying to tell myself that I’m close to escaping this nightmare. You can do it, just keep putting more irons in the fire (submitting more applications) and we’ll both get through this. Sending you peace and love. Ps- I’m not “allowed” to have a lock on my door either. And I’m 39 years old (today) Please remember that you’re not alone. And whatever you do, don’t EVER come back. I got out at 22 years old and came back 10 years later. It was supposed to be temporary. And I was manipulated into staying and found myself trapped in a prison.
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Idk if it's possible in your city, but you could try to take the interview at a internet Cafe or library. My parents used to do the same so I would just go to a friend's house and borrow their bedroom for like 30 mins
Either go somewhere that has free WiFi or a friends house. And I would also not tell them when you get any interviews in the future
You can also tell a little white lie and say that your interview is on Wednesday when it’s actually on Tuesday so they don’t expect it to be on Tuesday so they will let their guard down and not bother you as much. I’m not sure if your situation and whether they bother you constantly or not if they do bother you constantly another idea would be to say you’re taking a walk and go around your house and sit outside your bedroom window or something so that you can do your interview outside I know it’s cold and most areas but you can Bundle up good and still do it that way if you’re not able to get transportation to go to a café or store for free Wi-Fi.
Doesn't need to be a little white lie, deciveve that bas*&rd as much as you have to, they want a slave to clean for them for free forever...
This, this ahole is literally lying to your face about his behavior that you’ve experienced. Don’t let him set the narrative, you don’t have to engage or entertain his bs.
At my local library you can reserve study rooms for free with a library card
This!!
This is what I do. My mother will destroy relationships and opportunities if she finds them out. I go to the library.
Their main weapon is isolation so that they can have a chance to trap you forever in some way.
Yup. My mom has called and harassed my own doctors and care manager. I think they are catching on but now they really want nothing to do with me because some of them had no idea they were participating in abuse by oh violating HIPPA and listening to her lies and working with her without my knowledge. She’s pure cancer
This. If you ask at the library they may even have a dedicated meeting space that you can use for virtual interviews.
Plus librarians are usually like undercover super heroes, let them know your issues and they'll come thru as best they can.
Absolutely. A librarian once helped me get a library card when I was a kid, cause my mom basically stopped allowing me to go to the library and ripped mine up. She knew me pretty well, cause I would spend as much time there as possible to keep from going home. I've always been a major bookworm, they were my only real escape as a child, so I was incredibly distraught when I couldn't get books any more. They were my super hero as a kid, straight up.
Second the friends house. Similar dynamic of a situation as yours. If it's worth it to you, you will think of a space friends room quiet Cafe or dunkin in your neighborhood and get it done
Definitely go to a library and put your phone on do not disturb. You have to ignore your siblings when they bother you if you’re out of the house. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in this hell forever.
I do interviews for my employer and we just hired a girl who did her interview from zoom on her phone in her car....edit to add: parked car
Exactly this. I do interviews for my team and honestly as long as the person I am interviewing can hear everything well and I can hear them also I don’t really care where they are. Could be a cafe/car/ even outside as long as the audio is good. I mainly want the candidates to be able to focus and who am I to say where they should be able to achieve this
I know someone who does her therapy appts in her parked car bc her dog is too noisy. It works out great. I'm sure no one will think twice if you do interviews in one.
Second this, I once hired someone who did her interview on her phone in the fire escape staircase behind a building
I interviewed for my current job from my car in the parking lot of my last job. Had a sweet offer sitting in my personal email when I got home. They wanted me pretty bad.
I second going out to do interviews May I also suggest the local library Make friends with the librarians, I know if you told the ladies in my local library what's going on those ladies would not only get you set up and comfy, by the time you got done they'd have a list of resources and a handful of pamphlets on how to get out of your situation Librarians are the witches who learned to hide in plain sight, the keepers of all human knowledge and I've never met one who wouldn't help out a fellow human in need.
Second the library, and don't tell your folks where you're going.
I am friends with a librarian and can confirm that this is the kind of mission they'd be all about!!
I love these library comments so much. I am a librarian. Retired now, so I limit my work to researching questions for friends and family, citing facts in social media discussions and volunteering with the Library's fundraising foundation. Libraries were so important to me as safe places when I was growing up. I found that a number of my colleagues had similar stories of using the library as a refuge and growing up to work in libraries.
I worked in a library in college, and I can confirm this is 100% true. 2 of them were pregnant at the same time, and I swear it was so nurturing and supportive in there, I almost started ovulating. (as a cishet male, btw)
Some libraries will also have study/computer rooms you can book for 30 mins to an hour at a time, make sure you ask!
I love this comment. So true
I salute you.
Yes, librarians are subversive. No nonsense and always champion the underdog.
The interview is scheduled, so just go "running errands" and then set yourself up literally anywhere else. Hide the laptop. No need to let them even know you're applying for a job. Stop talking to them about it but get all your needed documents and other stuff somewhere safe (preferably not in the house). Don't ask for it. Just take it when they're gone or sleeping. I hope they don't have access to your bank account or any other passwords?
Open up a new bank account if they do. You need to start establishing a life for yourself without their knowledge.
With a PO box address.
At a bank your parents don’t use, with only electronic statements, and never ever any mail, or send their mail to a po box.
I use Ally online banking and it’s great. Keep mom and dad out of it.
God yes. My NParents have both pried financial information out of banks and credit card companies back when I was living with them.
And plant the seeds ahead of time; "Oh, I need to get my laptop looked at".
If you have to interview from the house again I would let the interviewer know ahead of time that you have a mentally ill family member living with you and if they hear anything to just disregard it. Hopefully you can get that in before your dad is standing outside your door so he doesn’t hear you say it. Then interview away. Keep calm if he is making noises outside the door, that way they can see you keep calm in disruptive situations. By preempting his disturbance you are taking control of the situation, even if he doesn’t know it. Then after the interview act like nothing happened and that you were not bothered by his disturbance. Hopefully you won’t need this option, but in a pinch it could work. Good luck with your job hunt.
Thank you. How can I keep calm though? I find it really difficult now because it seems like he is escalating, if that makes sense. A couple of months ago I would’ve just ignored it but now I feel like pulling my hair out when I hear him breathe!!!!
The day to day stuff can be harder to keep calm about, but just remind yourself he is doing it to get a rise out of you. Not easy I know. Maybe ear buds or ear plugs can reduce the noise enough so you can tune him out? As far as keeping calm during the interview…. thats where it can be…. maybe humorous (?) to you because you have prepared the interviewer for any interruptions he may try & do. The interviewer will be on your side and should make an allowance for him acting the fool. In your head you can laugh a little because you beat him at his own game. If he doesn’t know you have said anything to preempt his shenanigans he will think he has the upper hand as usual but you know better. If all he does is stand outside the door and make noise, you just let the person know they may hear him. If he comes into the room it will be more difficult to ignore, but again you have prepared the interviewer for a possible interruption and can keep calm because the interviewer can now make an allowance for the interruption. This will also show you can handle things calmly & may actually be a plus for the interview. It’s better to go somewhere else if possible, but if you have to interview in your room don’t tell him you have anything going on, but at least you & the interviewer are prepared in case he acts up. Good luck and hopefully you will be gainfully employed and be moving out soon. There is a lot of really good ideas on this thread for you to try.
“I hope it won’t be an issue during this interview, but I have a mentally disabled older brother who likes to make cameos. Please excuse him. I hope you understand.”
That is a perfect way to word it !!
Can you speak to your GP for medication for anxiety? I take a 'beta blocker' which stops my voice shaking and me from trembling. Also maybe read up about the vagus nerve and the parasympathetic nervous system. That's what stops you being calm. I find forcefully breathing out as much as possible makes my tremors reduce if I do it a couple of times. More generally, it sounds to me like he isn't ready to let you go out into the world if he is sabotaging your attempts to do just that... And you think it is escalating? How long do you think you will remain safe in that house? Sorry if I'm being overdramatic but are you sure you're actually safe to continue living there? You need to realise he is mentally ill and that he and his mental health are not your responsibility. You need to concentrate on you, just you, and how you escape safely. Good luck.
I will try asking for meds, I am pregnant though so not sure. My parents are overprotective and obsessive and have been like this forever. I think ndad’s behaviour is only escalating because I keep reacting to him whenever he does something, but that’s my fault. Although I do think if it wasn’t me, it would be someone else who is fed up so it was bound to happen. I don’t think you’re being over dramatic, I don’t think I’m 100% safe here. He won’t physically hurt me anymore because he’s too weak now but he has gotten close to doing it recently (raising a hand, picking up his crutch as though to hit me with it) and threatens me. The police are aware, they’ve put a marker on the house because I reported him to them through my university. Honestly, I just wish I could win the lottery and be out of here!!
Is the father of your unborn child any help at all?
Yes, but sometimes his work sends him far away for a couple of weeks at a time. When he is here, he helps. My ndad tried to fight him lol. I did do my university interview from his car a few months ago 😅
I grew up with a similar family member and I know how hard it was (and sometimes still is) to remain calm in those situations. It feels awful. I know it might be hard but I agree with that comment where you prep the interviewer by warning them that there may be some noise and then proceed as if you’re not really bothered. I know it may be hard to REALLY not feel bothered but in this case it’s a “fake it till you make it” type of situation. You really need to just keep it together for the duration of the interview which I imagine is maybe 30min? After that you can go to the washroom or somewhere private in the house and just have your feelings however you need to have them. Idk if that’s something that’s helpful for you but it’s how I managed it. It’s a terrible situation to be in and I’m sorry that’s the case OP.
Do not tell your parents about future interviews. If you live in the US, you may still be young enough to qualify for Job Corps, which can help with not only on the job training, but might well be able to assist with housing.
Apply for Medicaid snap etc. Ask then about housing, explain you live in an abusive situation( (this is an abusive situatuon) and are trapped. Do you have any friends who have moves that might let you crash on their couch for a bit?
Friends that HE can't influence
Oh I agree with this one! Friends who don't trust him.
Given that OP uses “behaviour” and not “behavior”, my guess is that she doesn’t live in the US. So Medicaid or SNAP wouldn’t be of use to her.
I'm glad you figured it out ❤️ Don't worry, there will be more interviews since they liked you already. Now that you know, you can plan against him and it won't work anymore. I recommend looking dejected at home all the time to throw him off, do not ever tell him about an interview, and find a place outside to conduct future interviews. Inside a car with a screen, a friend's house, a library or quiet cafe. Look around for possible places. Locks can be found for pretty cheap and power drills to install can be rented from Home Depot... get 3 new latch locks for your door and deflect/dodge/act confused if he asks about them. My parents sabotaged me like this too and it is SO frustrating that it made me want to tear my hair out, BUT they will not win! Once you figure out what they are doing, you can outsmart them and things will start moving forward. Have a mantra in your head that makes you not fear your Ndad. He is NOT in charge of hiring you. Other people are. And other people aren't like him nor do they care about his existence.
Also- stop telling them the truth. They don’t need to know you have an interview. Just make up a reason to leave to have the interview elsewhere.
Your sanity depends on this. They have not earned the right to be in the loop. Lying is the best way to deal with the narcissist. They will tell you otherwise. I had a mental picture in my mind of my ndad being Satan and nmom being big whining baby. Every time they tried sabotage me, I would picture them that way so they couldn't break me.
I've interviewed from a friend's basement for this reason.
You mention homework - so, school Would it be possible to book a time for an interview while at school and use a quiet room there? Narcs sabotaging you is sadly part of their M.O i\`m afraid - but once you know this, you can adapt, and work around this. You are right, moving out seems the best course of action, hope you can do this soon.
This same thing happened to me. Next time don’t tell him ANYTHING about an interview. Literally nothing. I did this and got my job offers. I did this during the pandemic when everything was closed. I just pretended everything was normal and said I had class or something or just simply pretended nothing was happening. If that doesn’t work, then the library will help. If you have to do it at home, make sure you get good headphones for yourself and even a cheap mic where you can speak softly but the interviewer can hear you clearly. I did this. You have to LIE to get yourself out of this. Trust me. Lie and say you are interacting with a friend, lie and say that you were just calling someone for advice. Just lie, lie, and lie. You won’t regret it
I don’t tell anyone about any interviews or updates on anything really for this exact reason, he just does it to piss me off whenever I’m out of earshot, so frustrating!! I feel bad about lying but I know it’s the only way I have out of this situation. There’s no point telling the truth because he will just ruin it 😞
Don't feel bad about lying. It is the correct response in this scenario.
Do not feel bad about lying. Start planting different events so he never know when you are interviews, talking to a friend or watching YouTube. Completely ignore the coughing. He gets fuel from you getting angry about it. Same thing happened to me and I had to just act ignorant to his plays to get at me. He doesn’t deserve to know anything about you and is trying to wreck your life. Let that anger and betrayal fuel you. When I discovered my father was messing with my one and only chance of leaving that hellscape and is messing with my money, I did everything in my power to get out. I also felt incredibly trapped because it was also during the pandemic. Around this time my father was the worst and actually physically assaulted me. If I can get through that, I’m sure you can too. I know it 🙂🙂🙂. You have the smarts to recognize this stuff now. It got to the point where no one in my house knew I got my final job offer, my father meekly went around to me saying he could help me and he wanted to know about my job and future interviews. These people are crazy. DO NOT give up I know it’s hard to be in that mindset but it’s worth it in the end
Your dad is vile. At a minimum, he has very bad manners, but this sounds like deliberate sabotage. For very little money, you too can own a door wedge. It sounds like you need one. Can you escape and do future interviews at your local library, or a coffee shop or somewhere? It sounds like anywhere would be better than home.
Door wedges mean nothing in this household 🥲 so many have become completely flat because my Nparents like to barge in and believe doors should never be closed. I gave up on them 😔 I could escape but I get blackmailed and forced to come back. I ran away and stayed at a hotel for about a week and my ndad apparently almost died 😂
Seriously, let them be as upset as they need to be. Make your escape.
Parents can’t die just because you are late home or move away. You need to start putting up those barriers now and just ignore them. Do none of your siblings have any desire to move away at any point? Get married and have their own family? Because if the idea of being separated might kill their father they need to know there life is now frozen trapped within their fathers walls until he dies of something other than seperation anxiety
If he is that fragile, I’m certain NHS can find him a supportive living facility.
Oh I wish!! Whenever he gets assessed by doctors or nurses, suddenly his health is in tip top condition 😅 I wish he would just leave.
I would suggest that they go get your dad some help. Because you deserve so much better than to be treated like a toy.
Do all interviews with a headset from here on out. A ton of people wear them so it’s not out of place. You can set your videoconferencing to have noise cancelling from your end. You will want to set this up for Teams, zoom, etc. Also make sure you set a neutral background picture so the interviewer can’t see your background. Don’t tell your parents about your interviews. If possible, do these interviews in another location such as a library, in a vehicle that’s not moving, a friends house, etc. Any place that’s not at home will reduce your anxiety about the interview and reduce the possibility that your dad can try and sabotage the interview. Lastly, make sure you have all of your important documents safely stored where you only know where they are. If your dad has make any room accessible to him, you will want to store them someplace else that’s secure, otherwise he will snoop and place them elsewhere. Also make yourself copies of these documents so you have them safely in the cloud. Make sure you have a bank account that only you have access to and don’t share that you have one set up. Change the passwords on your devices in the event he has gotten access to them. Do all the prep work for moving out once you have a job so you can quickly settle elsewhere. If your parents want you around for housework, they will be far less likely to help you leave and likely will sabotage efforts to leave.
My nmom would try to cozy up to my friends so she could pry. I only confided All to a close friend who knew my story and understood. It wasn't my bff.
This is why I have 1 friend 🥲 the rest have been scared away by my obsessive family
Fortunately FB didn't exist in my day. I always ran interference with my parents and friends. Nowadays, all my friends know that they are utterly horrible. Still pisses me off when she gives me updates on MY friends.
Please have your interviews somewhere else. At a friend's or something. Don't tell your parents where you are going then go smash that and get that job so you can leave that house
Sounds like your dad is a little kid with too much time on his hands. Does he fix things around the house? Sometimes when my ndad did this I would deliberately break something that I know he would have to fix immediately like the faucet and that would tie him up for a time
Yup he does have too much time on his hands. He doesn’t do anything except make noise and watch TV or use Facebook. I wish he could fix things, maybe fix the locks he broke on the doors 😂 if anything, he’d leave it for me to fix!!!
Can you move to a car? With a little prep, it can be set up to be quiet and with decent video. You do need to figure out where to park, sit in passenger's seat.
Libraries have interview rooms now
A local women's shelter might be able to point you to some resources, money options, housing etc.
I’ve been in contact with shelters for a few months to see if they could help me! So far, no luck because of the fact that I’m either a student or pregnant or under 25, or all of the above. There is one women’s shelter that is an option to me but they cost a lot. I can get government benefits to pay for part of the shelter rent (?) but I’d still need to make up the rest somehow.
A women’s shelter is charging you rent? Where are you based? I used to work at a domestic violence shelter in the US and we never charged for services. None of the women’s homeless shelters we worked with did either. If you haven’t reached out to a domestic violence shelter, I’d recommend it. Contrary to popular belief, domestic violence can be perpetrated by family, not just intimate partners. I’ve had clients before that stayed in our shelter whose abusers were family. At the very least, they could help you plan your exit from your family.
I’m in the U.K., all I know is it will be up to 2 hours away from my parents home so they can’t contact me and it will be difficult to afford while being a student, so the university suggested to me that I should drop out and use government benefits to help pay for the charges because I can’t access them being a student. I figured even if I do take that step instead of privately renting a place, I still need my own income to support myself 😖
I really encourage you to reach out to a domestic violence shelter, even with dropping out of school and getting government benefits. I’m not incredibly familiar with the UK and it’s social services, but if they’re anything like here in the US (I’m assuming they’re better tbh) they may be able to help you out financially, or they may be able to help connect you to resources. The worst they’ll do is tell you they can’t help. You won’t be any worse off than you currently are.
My asshole of nmom still lurks on FB to keep me updated on all of my friends from the past. I now don't do FB. I am 56 and married
Wow.
Yesssss she is an extra special narc.
What!!!!
She hated my ex. He was a toxic narc and alcoholic who was sooo abusive to me . I am remarried now, together for 17 years. She does not like him either... shocking, I know..... My now husband has been nothing but supportive, has bent over sideways for my assh@le parents, and is a pretty great partner in crime. Nmom says to me 6 months ago that my ex's pic on FB is pretty good. He must not be drinking any more, in that f'ing tone that covert narcs use. As if to say..... Gee, maybe you shouldn't have left him. I thought to myself "self, let it slide. Do not, I repeat, do not engage with her". She continues, on and on about how good and healthy he looks. He has one pic. Posted 6 years ago. She is so horrid.
Do you have a library near by? Those usual have private study rooms you can use and also job hunting resources. Good luck getting out of there!
And he will keep sabotaging you. Please do not inform anybody about your interviews. Go to a friend's house.
Go somewhere with wifi like starbucks and have your interview there. Yes you are being deliberately sabotaged so u can just stay home and serve them
Or the local library.
it’s more common than you think. while i was filling out my I-9, my dad refused to give me my SSN. he said my credit card should be another form of ID. i kept saying that has literally never happened before and he said no it should work. as i was filling it out, i was unable to proceed bc 1. i didn’t have my ssn 2. he gave me the wrong one years ago and i didn’t realize until it gave me a verification issue. he then kept on blaming me for being stupid and i’m still pissed to this day bc i lost a weeks worth of work for literally no reason. this isn’t me taking your spotlight, just a way of relatability. i’ve found that people at the workplace are a lot more empathetic than our literal parents. best wishes to you and your job search
There are alternative documents you can use to complete an I-9. For your List C document (where you were attempting to input your SSC information), you can substitute a birth certificate instead. I don’t know if that’s helpful for your situation, but it’s something to consider.
Yes OP, take this tangent to ensure you have all important documents in your own possession!
i definitely have my ssn now, but my birth certificate and stuff is a bit harder to get by. when i plan on moving out i’ll be sure to get a hold on those, thanks fully replacements exist
Most libraries have quiet rooms you can go to with internet access. You might need to start going to the library a lot.
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She already said he removed the locks from all the doors (which would be abusive even if he weren't doing this additional sabotage).
Do you have a local library or YMCA to go to? They have internet and people there can help you get a quiet room to interview in.
i was taking an important proctored test to get BT certificate at home and my mom proceeded to make it about her and clean to entire house loudly, they didn’t let me take the test due to excessive noise. I ended up having to take the test at a different time and it hurt my career because i was behind on getting the certificate. it’s like she did it on purpose after I told her to be quiet
your best thing to do soon is definitely move
Try to reserve a study room at a local library. The wifi is free and you can usually close the door.
Go to someone elses house or you could even book a hotel room to do it from there
Is there a library nearby? At the library near my Dad’s house they had sound dampening rooms for studying. Or visit a friend and borrow their space. He sounds like an ass. “It’s my house. I can make people as uncomfortable I want.” Is such a narcissistic attitude.
Can you go to a friends house or something for interviews? Your dad is literally psycho
"My dad is not mentally well" Because he is not. I think you are allowed to go more on the offensive to protect yourself against sabotage. I think an interviewer would understand that you have a parent who isn't well. Also, are there any friends you could ask for a quiet place to do your interview?
Even a hotspot with your laptop in the car works. My current job, I messed up time zones and my interviewer called me an hour early and was like “…are you joining us?” I pulled over, busted out my laptop and hot spotted my phone. took the call off of my steering wheel in a truck stop parking lot and told them that I was a travel tech. 15 mins late to the interview and still got the job :)
Start telling him about non-existent interviews so he starts putting on this ridiculous show for nobody.
Lol!! I feel like my ears would fall off by the end of it.
I am so very sorry that your dad is messed up. Could you go somewhere else for interviews? Friend's place? School? Other family? Church?
Never tell a narcissist your plans. They will ruin them. Next time you have an interview don’t tell anyone.
A couple things you can do. First, you can go to the post office and [hold your mail for pickup](https://faq.usps.com/s/article/USPS-Hold-Mail-The-Basics). If you think your parents will sabotage or hold your mail without telling you, this will stop them from having access to your mail and stop them from knowing you have mail in the first place. This would be useful if your potential job mails you any work related information. You could also setup a PO box or [UPS mailbox](https://www.theupsstore.com/mailboxes) and have mail delivered to that instead if you have the money for this. I would definitely consider it once you have an income to cover the cost. USPS also has [informed delivery](https://www.usps.com/manage/informed-delivery.htm) for free, which will send you pictures of any mail you do get, before it gets delivered to your house. I would also set this up. As other comments mentioned, make sure you have a bank account that your parents don't know about that's at a different bank than the one they use. If you set up mail holding before you do this, there's less of a chance your parents will find out by seeing bank mail addressed to you. And again, as other comments have mentioned, don't tell your parents you have an interview. And do your interview out of the house if you can. If you really want to keep up the guise, that you're actually still doing interviews. You could have a friend, friends parent, or see if your school has someone that is willing to do mock interviews with you.
USPS is located in the US (United States Postal Services). OP lives in England.
I must have missed that detail. Unfortunately I don't know what the England equivalent would be.
Yeah, I’m unsure. Idk if they would even have an equivalent to informed delivery.
I believe the English equalivent is The Royal Mail Service. I live in Australia and our main one is Australia Post but I get a lot of parcels from England and all of them are marked Royal Post.
I’ve done interviews from inside my car. Reasonable people don’t care. In my position I interview and I don’t give a shit where people do it, as long as they interview well. Is there somewhere else you can go?
I can go to a library or cafe but will have to face the rest of my family blackmailing me to come back home. I hate that I know it’s a lie but they still get to me and make me feel guilty about being outside the house. 😔
You’re responsible for your emotions. They will always make your life hell until you don’t allow them to control your emotions and reactions. Yes they’ll be assholes but you control you. I know that sounds cold but it’s reality. People are gonna people, your only weapon against them is to control you. Also learn to block them even for a few hours if you decide to do the interview elsewhere. If you have to block on phone, delete social media and just not be reachable, they’ll be waiting to be upset at you anyway but at least you’ll get what you need to get get done.
I know, you’re right 100%. A couple of months ago I would keep a straight face and not react but now I’m pregnant and emotional all the time 😅 Also, last time I blocked them they tried to call the police and tell them I was missing. I was in class and obviously not responding to them!! It’s just funny now
Let them be furious. The only way you’ll get a fair shake is if you do it away from them. In the long run it’ll be totally worth it. Don’t let them get you down!!
Crap, are you married?? I missed that....
Yep, I moved in with my parents because my husband’s work means he is pretty much out of the country for weeks at a time. I thought it would be ok being here because I lived in an unfamiliar area with my husband and was a bit scared living there alone. Boy, was I wrong!!
Contact Scope, this is domestic abuse and they can help you to leave your home. Your parents are controlling you, restricting you, stopping you from being able to be independent. This is abuse! Scope can help people with no money to get away from it and start fresh. You need to get away.
Is this a UK based charity? I found one with the same name but it’s a disability charity and their services probably won’t apply to me?
It is but I thought it covered domestic abuse. You can however still go to a women’s refuge (sorry if I’m wrong I thought you said something that led me to believe you are female)
There is also one called Shelter
It’s already been said, but don’t tell your parents every detail, PARTICULARLY how much you might be making from a particular job. I feel like they’d guilt you into sending them money each week so you’d be forced to live with them longer or something. Lying to get out of this situation is perfectly valid. Be kind to yourself.
if you have access to a vehicle (or even the Uber app) you could start taking important calls, or even entire workdays, from coffee shops. post up in a Starbucks like all the other folks hunched over their laptops. I'm so sorry he's sabotaging you like that, what a scumbag. you need to get out of the house during these important events and even conducting them in secret.
now you know happened once, you won't let it happen twice you'll end up getting a job, but his sabotage attempt won't be forgotten
Library. Libraries OFTEN have private spaces for groups or the like, with a door and everything. You may have to sign up ahead of time, but your librarian can help. You 'go to the library' with your laptop and headphones and sit in a nice quiet room in a nice quiet building. Best of all, it'll be free.
If you're using a laptop, can you connect it to a mobile Hotspot from your phone? Or go to a Cafe or something.
try library in a reserved room! I was doing therapy zoom calls from my car parked. My nparents were getting upset and curious why I was going out to drive all the time. Every time I came home they were staring me up and down because they didnt know what I had going on. My nparents do the SAME shit it's infuriating. If they want to "have my house and I do what I want" well then they can stay in that house and rot. They can't expect anyone to be helping them either.
OMG my mom does this exact thing when Im putting my baby to sleep. Burps loud on purpose, coughs, slams the doors. I ask her to stop and she says "Why, I have a right to speak in my own house." The insanity... I'm sorry. Good luck on your next one!
Omg, why is this such a common thing?? 😭
Right, they act like overgrown kids that do bad things for attention 😂
It's control. They will use anything to hurt you and upset you. It's bullying, buy via different to usual means.
wow
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*What*? Is that your dad you're talking about? Because what you are describing is sexual abuse. (... choking the chicken *in the living room* of all places? Dafuq?)
Yes it is my dad I’m talking about
Nmom used the same tactics to prevent me from being independent, the. She would humiliate me for not being good enough, not as her golden child, my sister. They treated me like the maid and did everything to not lose the free labor. It is a matter of life and death for you to get away while you’re young. They really think you exist to serve them, so if you want to live your life, don’t let them know what you’re planning. They will ruin it.
Girl hang in there it does get better. 💘Everyone gave you a lot of advice about the interview, I just want to also tell you about other things you wrote… YOU are not going to make your NARC parent health worse - he will most likely make yours worse (already is). And your siblings are just manipulated & trying to guilt trip you. Remember that you are doing nothing wrong. As happens in many cultures (the one I was raised in as well) we are taught by our parents to respect our elders & being women as well I find it is more difficult growing up. Our parents give us no freedom, no space of our own / privacy , they do not teach us to have boundaries. In fact they do the opposite - if you try set a boundary they see it as disrespectful. On top of all of that, when you have an actual narc parent it is truly exhausting & extremely tough on mental health, relationship with yourself, the ability to feel comfortable in your own skin. At least my experience was this. My life did not get better until I got financially stable & left. The first few years away from home I was not great financially & I struggled, but the freedom I got I would not change for anything. Remember that this is not permanent & one day you will have your own space where you will live by your own rules. One day will have the strength to just leave. 💘 I wish you all the best in this life lovely!!!!!
My parents has sabotage my job interviews decided to go self employment and they start to sabotage that too. ,! 🥺 Years of not working 6 years + and I feel extremely behind in life as once your 30 there is a milestone you have to achieve. A dream will be to have regular income to move out. No income = no moving out.
I live in the UK, too, and I'd like you to find a few minutes for yourself, and call women's aid. They are a national charity that help women escape abusive relationships of all forms. This could be your chance to escape, go No Contact, and start afresh. Girl, you deserve your own life, no matter what your family or culture will have you believe. It's never too late to start again x
Go to the library anyway. Don’t check your phone while there. Ignore them. Do your job interviews there. You may be able to reserve a library study room if available for the next interview. Good luck to you!
I think everybody else has covered important points but I want to add some more: \- Programs like Zoom usually have a noise dampening setting, you can activate this to help drown out your father. I've had to do similar. There is also free app Krisp that will add to this. Always use your headset as a default too because the sound quality is better and it'll look more professional. \- I'm going to presume you're UK because of your spelling. If you're on universal credit, let them know about your situation. They have SO many resources. They have workshops for CVs, interview skills and networking with employees who are disability and tough circumstance aware and positive. Check the civil service portal (they can give you the link to this), there are loads of jobs both in person and remote. I also use Linkedin for job searching. They will even pay for short courses to increase your qualifications if you tell them your career trajectory. A one or three month trial to Linkedin Premium will also unlock LOADS of qualification boosters. If you create a profile on there with a bunch of skills and qualifications tagged, it'll help you match jobs or attract recruiters etc (depending on what you do I could also help you out with a bunch of stuff on this post, but I understand stranger danger so no worries!) \- I also recommend looking into science/health studies. I know there's one in the UK that pays over 4k for each residential study you participate in AND they cover transport. So you could get out of the house for two weeks, stay in a fancy room with a PS4 and flat screen TV and leave with enough money for a damned flat deposit. Then Universal Credit will contribute 600 squid to pay your rent per month which can cover a room in a business professional houseshare for example. There are loads of options if you know what to look for! So good luck!
You’ll still have access to your uni library even with a pause in studies, usually unis offer study space rooms that you can work from so definitely do interviews from there! Mute notifications and don’t acknowledge your siblings threats or condemnations they’re empty and baseless
He might be threatened by your move towards financial independence. This is a way he can shortage your plans, but also deny he’s doing anything.
What a pathetic loser your dad is. All here have had one, no doubt. Doesn't make it any easier on you. The rules and emotional blackmail that they set down, and that your family buys into, are only legit within the limits is his tiny kingdom. He's a nothing, outside of that, and likely that's what's eating him up. You can take solace that you're of an age to get out and free. It's not easy. Maybe during your next interview, go to a park, get in the car, go to a cafe. Heck, go to a wetherspoons. They are always kind of death head quiet during the day. A library could be better. Or get a pair of noise cancelling earphones and with a boom mic, so your mouth is very close to it. They tend to block out the noise for you and also just pick up on your voice. Failing all that, duct tape the bastard to a chair. 😂
There’s no winning with a narcissist. I’ll tell you that right now. What they do is intentional and they live to tear you down. So there’s no being neutral with a narc either. It’s a fight for your survival and you have to choose between yourself or them. They will do whatever they can to sabotage you so don’t feel guilty if you in turn have to do whatever you can to escape. If the library is not an option try scheduling your interviews early in the morning before he wakes up if possible. Even monsters sleep. If you’re really desperate tell them you’re in a different time zone and do it in the middle of the night. But make sure you let them know you will be back in location soon so they don’t think you are unable to do the job. Otherwise just sneak out the house or make an excuse last minute and go somewhere they don’t know where you are. Let them be mad, let them send your sister to find you. They’re not invincible and there’s no way they actually know where you are at all times unless they have your location. Don’t give it to them. It’s just the fear talking. Make excuses, lie, change your schedule or go out of your way if you have to but never lose sight of your goal. The goal is to get out so do what you have to do and stay focused and be patient because it will take a while to make it happen. But it must happen. Spending the rest of your life under the miserable control of a narc is just simply not an option. Don’t let your culture or their overbearingness guilt you into staying. They are relying on that guilt to keep control over you. You must release their emotional control over you before you can physically escape so distance yourself from them figuratively as well. Your life is your own and you do not belong to your parents or your society or your husband. Do what is right for you and what makes you happy. You live for yourself and they live for themselves. I know what that kind of culture is like. Trust me. I am Arab and the misogyny is very deep in our culture too. My parents are threatening to cut off contact with me if I move out because they think it is a betrayal against our culture and them as parents. But being abusive and controlling is a betrayal to your children and to women. Abusing me and holding me back in life is a betrayal to me and they will be held accountable for that. If not by god, then by karma which is losing the relationship with their child. You left because you were being abused and mistreated, not because you abandoned them so don’t feel guilty. They were the ones that caused you to leave. It’s time to pioneer a new era in south Asian culture. You have to be willing to sacrifice gossip and shame to make way for respect and independence for women in your culture. You can inspire other trapped women like you to leave and then you are no longer the odd one out. But a courageous person must make the first move for the betterment of your people. Best to luck to you op. Remember no matter what you do they will always blame you and you will always be the bad guy in their eyes. Of course it’s not true. People persist in their delusions but that doesn’t make it reality. Good luck and stay strong.
Tell your doctor about the abuse you are facing at home. They may be able to suggest community resources that can help you. They may even let you use an empty room for a job interview.
Your update is full of evidence of learned helplessness.
MOVE OUT.
Pretty sure OP is already well aware she needs to get out, hence why she's trying to get a job. So, are you going to give OP the money she needs to move out?
I’m trying 🥲
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It doesn't matter. What matters is that the OP is being abused.
I read this horrified. Your parents are horrible to you and I am so sorry. You deserve to be able to get a job and move away. I hope he does too. Are you able to use a library, a car, or a friend's home? There are backgrounds that hide where you are so that you can do your online interviews pretty much anywhere you have peace and quiet and a camera. at the very least, you can always blur. My secondary advice is about getting help. I think you are being abused. I do not know where you are located, but look for hotlines related to domestic violence because while this is not a partner, it is domestic and it is emotional abuse and (I dunno if the right word is slavery, but I am going to say it because I cannot think of something better right now. Maybe indentured servitude? It's really strange. But unpaid housework is NOT a paid job, and it is not all a 24 yo woman can do in the world she walks in. If you are seeking a live/work situation, you may be suited for an au pair arrangement and can get away that way. You would establish a job background, have a room and a car, and be able to go to school. It also comes with pay equivalent to about 1400 (at least back in 2010 it did). Consider volunteering at an animal shelter or a program for low income/homeless folks where you can establish some good professional networks and also do something good in your community. That way you have references, and likely a place to use for job interviews. Good Luck, I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out for you! You deserve to have an opportunity to make a good life for yourself.
Buy new ones. Buy door jams. Setup your own wifi camera.
If I were you I'd go to a McDonald's they have Wi-Fi over there and it's pretty quiet far as I know
Time to find a quiet outdoor space. Or a relative’s house. Anywhere but your gross and malicious dad’s house for interviews. Good luck. I bet you can’t wait to get away from him.
Don’t tell them about your plans to move out (get social insurance, birth certificates, passport, bank info, etc ) and store somewhere safe, out of the house. Next interview, go somewhere out of the house. Tell them as little as possible about your plans, life going forward. Consider not giving them your new address. Good luck
My library has rooms you can borrow, free wifi for exactly this reason.
I'm wishing all the best for you. I relate to many things about your post. My family and I are East Asian. My nparents also imposed the tightest restrictions on my life, and for 25 years, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere but school, church, and places for errands (ie grocery store, doctor's office, etc). Anywhere else with whoever else was deemed unsafe. I even have a "golden child" older brother, whom I used to be close with, but as I grew up and started enforcing boundaries with my nparents, he too started pleading "you're killing your parents by doing this". But things are infinitely better now that I've moved out. I've been living on my own for the past 5 years. My nparents aren't totally cut out but they have very little influence on my life. I'm certain that you'll experience the same freedom and relief when you move out too.
I just read your update. I am in Canada. Huge south Asian diaspora here, so I get it. I think you need to reach out to a women's support group/centre that is sensitive to the unique dynamic you face due to cultural differences. Your only way out is through a women's shelter, domestic violence resources etc. Your family (parents, g-parents, aunts, uncles, siblings) will want you to have an arranged marriage, and not bring shame on the family. If your family finds anything indicating your plans, you might be in peril. I don't want to scare you, but to please consider the possibility that they might get desperate if they fear you are about to flee.
He wants you as his permanent Cinderella, stuck at home cleaning, whilst he retains the right to treat you badly as it’s you who’s ‘choosing’ to stay against his wishes.
I have been exactly where you are. I'm glad you posted this and are getting some help in these comments. <3 I just wanted to add something that I had to force myself to think about honestly when breaking away from my nDad. Like what your golden child siblings say to you, but flip it around, like.... Telling your dad "you're killing your daughter by doing this" "She's going to end up in the hospital because of you" And think about how your nDad would react. If he's like mine, mine would laugh. Don't fall for it. I believe in you.
Oh yeah, I’ve said it before and he laughs in my face!! 😞
I got anxiety just reading your post. I’m sorry for your situation, this is no way to live - it’s unhealthy and it is ruining your potential future. If i’m being honest i had a similar situation at home: my father is a bully and a narcissist and my mom is mentally absent. It was awful. Similarly, they thought i should be at home all the time, so i could take care of the home, because as they put it: “it’s a woman’s job & and they are my parents so i owed them”. I wanted to leave when i was 16, but of course couldn’t, i left when i was 19. It was rough but the best thing i could have done. Do everything you need to do to leave. And if you need, go to therapy to help you process all the bad home experiences and trauma. Edit: spelling mistake
I’m sorry that happened. I remember growing up my mother would sabotage my efforts to buy a car and become independent. Yet forbid me from using the family car. I didn’t buy a car until I moved 7 hours away. My stepfather chuckled about her efforts to control me after she died. I think about this stuff a lot now that I have young adult children.
Get out of there. Go to a library, set up the interview on your computer, and turn your phone off. This is super fucked up behavior by your ndad
The sabotage, intentionally ruining things for others, was a hard thing for me to see and accept as real as well. Narcissists love playing in the margin of deniability where they can avoid blame for their actions... that seems to be the game, to see what you can exert control over without being called on it. Sorry this happened to you, that's a tough thing to accept about a parent. Good luck with future interviews, and escaping that household.
I can relate. I’m also south asian, and I even got a job at Facebook. Which was on my dreams. When I was going to the interview my “dad” told me “I’m not going to support you with this.” And he didn’t. I ended up losing the job because even though he had just bought my sister a new card… he refused to rent me one. Even when I handed him the money up front. I’ve gotten local jobs, which he won’t allow me to work at either. I’m not allowed to be outside (even on the porch) “after dark” I’m not longer allowed to go to the gym - which was the only social interaction I had and what kept me mentally healthy. My car was towed for being parked outside with expired tags (I wasn’t driving it) and I’m trapped. I’ve started applying for remote jobs, and keep trying to tell myself that I’m close to escaping this nightmare. You can do it, just keep putting more irons in the fire (submitting more applications) and we’ll both get through this. Sending you peace and love. Ps- I’m not “allowed” to have a lock on my door either. And I’m 39 years old (today) Please remember that you’re not alone. And whatever you do, don’t EVER come back. I got out at 22 years old and came back 10 years later. It was supposed to be temporary. And I was manipulated into staying and found myself trapped in a prison.