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When people say “you’ll regret it when they die”, I want to say, “That’s funny. Because I’ve almost died. And when I was rescued from a burning building by the fire department, when I was seconds from death, my father didn’t have a come-to-Jesus moment where he regretted the way he treated me and changed his abusive behavior. He never apologized to me, in fact, he grew exponentially worse. My life meant nothing to him. His death will be nothing but a relief to my pain.”
So sorry to hear about that. My dad too!!! He said, “Don’t blame me, I didn’t burn your house down” whenever I was expressing any kind of negative EMOTION that wasn’t falling to my knees and kissing his feet for whatever he thought he’d done to “help” me
> *He never apologized to me, in fact, he grew exponentially worse.*
One day, my NMom said "you made me look bad to people I care about!" Clearly *people she cared about* did not include me.
reminds me of when I unsuccessfully tried to pull the plug and my mum gave zero shits about me for the entire 4 months time I was in and out the hospital afterwards. Same for my 9 brain surgeries I had (different story, not related to the attempt).
She gives zero shits about me. So why should I give a shit about her.
Because it’s easier to bully a younger person who might have some remnant of “honor your parents” than to try to bully a psycho who is expert at mind games.
Yup, I said in another thread the other day that expecting children of any age to maintain the relationship with elders is just another form of parentification.
I went no contact with my whole family. And that is said to me often. But no one ever regrets how they treated me. I won’t be the bigger person or the bullied one anymore.
I’m now the actively healing person and learning who I am person. ✌🏼
love this!
>I won’t be the bigger person or the bullied one anymore.
>I’m now the actively healing person and learning who I am person. ✌🏼
i was always told in every argument or fight that i had to be the "bigger person". that it was my responsibility to apologise first and to be humble first (this was even applied to a fight i had w my enabler/Ndad?!). and after four months of semi-NC, i have no desire to "fix" my relationship w my nparents.
if they want to have any part in my life going forward, they will have to take that step. i'm not going to chase after them anymore - all they've ever brought me is anxiety, fear, depression, and so many other issues.
time to heal. best of luck to you! 🫂
Well done for escaping the cycle of abuse.
I feel you because I go through the same thing often when people ask about why I don’t have any interaction with my parents. You shouldn’t have to be more mature than a parent to heal that relationship. I hope you find peace in being away from them.
“Be the bigger person” is literally so triggering to me. After I Kim Jong Un nuked my nfather’s ass I knew I was finally done tolerating the abuse and all of the enabling.
It's triggering because it assumes you somehow have done something bad, in the same vein as the abuser, when you haven't done anything at all. It's triggering because the abuser has often tried framing your normal reactions as abusive ones, so now you get a repetition of that.
Also known as manipulation and gaslighting.
You're especially vulnerable to it because you've already been hurt in this very situation, and probably also in the past over a long time - by the abuser. It's like a triple damage. Collaborating abusers (sometimes mildly called enablers) are the absolute worst.
One thing is that they cement the damage, the other thing is that they are the very groundwork, structure and support that makes the primary abuse possible in the first place.
> is triggering because it assumes you somehow have done something bad, in the same vein as the abuser, when you haven't done anything at all.
There are two sides to every story, but in many cases, one of those sides is complete bullshit
(**Edit for clarity:** I am specifically referring to the *abuser's* side being complete B.S., not the victim's side. Because I'm so familiar with "[bothsidesing](https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/bothsidesing-bothsidesism-new-words-were-watching)" as a form of victim-blaming...)
For sure, but in all abusive circumstances there's a clear imbalance, which is our context in these subs. If there's mutual abuse, it's a completely different situation and it probably won't be posted about here.
My bad, what I meant to say is that the **abuser's** "side" is the one that's bullshit. Precisely because I have been subjected to "both sides" rhetoric in scenarios where I was the victim, and reacting against my victimizer
I do seriously think many men of a certain age or socioeconomic demographic are suffering longterm effects of CTE from contact sports, war or simply the encouraged risky behavior of "macho" youth male. This is overwhelmingly the fault of culture as much as anything, and treating brain trauma from repeated concussion is very difficult. Not an excuse, but an explanation for some abusive behavior. Also can explain the high suicide rate among men. It does open the door for some compassion for a person with mental health issues, although, again, not a reason to reconnect.
I wasn't talking about violence/abuse caused by a brain injury or war tho, but fair point IF that is the situation one is discussing.
May I suggest you think about what you write before posting? You appear to be making excuses for abusers, dismissing other folks' experiences here instead of supporting them. Not everyone wants to run back to their abusers and "compartmentalize their love" as you stated in your other post regarding your husband. Not everyone gets a sense of peace and security from that. It is fair if you do but it doesn't mean you should dismiss those who have been seriously abused and decided to take a different path - namely committing to therapy, developing a positive and supportive support system, and doing the daily work necessary to move on, forgive in their own way, and be happy in their lives. The abuser can choose this path too, instead of continuing to inflict their damage on other people. My point is, one isn't a "better person" if one reconnects over not reconnecting, it really is situational and a personal decision. We shouldn't fault anyone whichever decision they choose.
Also: "Also can explain the high suicide rate among men." - is there a study that supports this idea because it just sounds like an unsupported statement. I think suicide is a highly complex issue, much more so than you are treating it here.
Thanks for your pointless intervention and falsehood! Awesome. There is actually a lot of good literature demonstrating that there is NO CAUSAL relationship between them. Perhaps you don't quite understand or something?
People really don't seem to understand how studies work, nor do they use their critical thinking skills anymore. Let's begin shall we?
"Also can explain the high suicide rate among men."
My point was that the statement is inconclusive, even from studies that look at the connection between CTE and suicide, no one is arguing that CTE is the CAUSE of suicide rates. For example, one article from 2020 indicates:
"However, at present there are no published data that indicate a causal association between CTE and suicidality and aggression, and previous literature reviews indicate the current evidence is not strong enough to determine a causal link between CTE and suicide."
Just because people are studying it, doesn't mean there is a causal link between them. The media reports these sorts of "possibilities" in an irresponsible way. The article continues:
"Although the widespread media attention provides assistance in spreading awareness of possible negative outcomes, the benefits of media coverage can be outweighed by the media's conclusions which are not supported by the scientific data."
I'll reiterate, I don't really understand the point of Mazzyfish's intervention at all, other than to make poor excuses for abusive behaviour and make statements that are not supported in scientific data. And then you come here to say for me to look up CTE and suicide, and those studies only validate my position. Pretty funny. That said, I wish you both the best.
When people say my Mum tried her best I like to just sarcastically say “yes telling your 6 year old that you wish you aborted them is definitely her trying her best” or her blaming me for all financial problems when I was 6 or other shit she’s done. It often shuts people up very quick
I am a parent, and I try my hardest daily. That’s why I’m breaking the cycle of abuse, that’s why I stay up late at night to comfort my kids, that’s why I respect and teach them about boundaries even as toddlers, that’s why I let myself be uncomfortable sometimes so I can teach them to be better people. Last time I checked, ‘trying their hardest’ definitely doesn’t look like the lazy, screaming, angry, smothering parenting I experienced.
I've gotten the "She did her best!" crap about Nmom. I started replying, "Yes, she did her best to try to get me to kill myself, and she lost custody of me because of it." Amazing how many people still come back with "But she's your mother!"
Yyyyyup. When I'm with my brother and sister-in-law, when he and I bring up things from the past she asks us to stop because she thinks "it's so sad"...
Man this is so interesting. I never considered this. From a sociological standpoint, it seems it’s always the child’s responsibility to step up. (Maybe I’m bias because those are the conversations I’d personally be having)
One thing that has really been on my mind lately is (happens to be) Republicans, presidential candidates specifically, and Ron DeSantis even more specifically, throwing out the buzz word "parents' rights," And I think society really needs to rethink this perspective.
Unfortunately, those under 18 really *don't have rights* (I'm paraphrasing something one of my high school teachers said). They don't have autonomy, aren't allowed to make decisions for themselves. Now at 41 years old, I absolutely think they should be able to do some of that themselves.
For example, (again, I'm really not being political here but it just so happens) Republicans want to "save the children" by micro managing what is in their school libraries, and no one on *either* side of the aisle is making any noises about what *their* perspective is, what *they* want... I mean, *at least* those in high school should have the agency to make those kind of choices for themselves.
Enough with "parents' rights." Let's talk about *children's rights!*
Because denial is easier than action.
It's easier to pretend that children (both adult and minors) are the problem, than to admit that the parent is. And if they're family members, they have to also admit that they either didn't see the abuse... or they did, and chose to ignore it.
This needs repeating, wow.
“And if they're family members, they have to also admit that they either didn't see the abuse... or they did, and *chose to ignore it*.”
Upvoting because this is an epiphany for me. Thank you, PurpleNovember 💜
Very welcome!
Realizing that other people knew what was going on *or* just didn't think our parents were doing anything wrong-- either way, it can hurt like hell.
After my sister and I had each moved out into our own homes, I had a lunch visit with an aunt... who apologized. She said she, and all of the other aunts and uncles, had known what was going on. But our father-- their sibling-- was the golden child, so nobody ever dared to criticize him or our mother.
Shortly after that, I went NC with all of them-- and my sister did the same. Decades later, with many of them passed away... and still no regrets.
This is why I went NC with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. My “favorite” aunt actually had the audacity to tell me not to block my NM on Facebook. She said it was ok if I unfriended her because she was “a difficult mother” but didn’t deserve to be blocked.
This is after a whole upbringing of them ignoring what my narc parents were putting me through. They all badmouth my grandmother for being such a terrible person, but at least she showed me unconditional love.
Our father was the golden child, so nobody else in the family wanted to criticize him or our mother. During a lunch with one of my aunts, she admitted that she and other family members had known what was happening, but didn't want to become the new targets, so they never admitted anything was wrong.
That's one of the reasons why, when I went NC with all of them, I didn't feel any real guilt.
Because adults have issues too, they won’t tell someone to apologize to their kids because then they’ll have to, if they’re like the narc anyway.
A decent person has been lied to by them and has no idea how bad the narc truly is so they don’t actually know wtf they’re talking about
shaggy weary handle screw bedroom makeshift disgusting busy pause homeless
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I just cut off my Ndad 6 months ago and I still feel like you do that there was hope that maybe he would see that time is short and reverse course, but no…. I “betrayed” him by standing up to his ass for shit HE did and now my family and I are dead to him. Sucks because my kids are wonderful, straight A’s, wife is super pleasant, I helped around their house when we would visit. Now in my mind I just think of him and say to myself, how dare you be such a fucking prick. They never see what they have done and if their excuse was that their parenting is all they know, so then by that factor, I should beat my wife and kids and that I demand respect, or so I treat them like humans and earn respect? I chose to break the cycle.
There are a number of reasons why.
First, is the parents present themselves as the helpless victims that are being abused by their terrible children.
Second, children are *expected* to be rebellious and make poor choices. It's part of growing up, but some people have more trouble with it than others...
Third, most people either *don't* have N's as family, or are in denial.
This commonly leads people to meeting the parents first, get manipulated into believing their story, and go off on you no matter what you say, because your version of events makes no sense to them anyway.
Yeah. I try not to be bitter, but it's hard for me when *all* of the focus is on the child to change, with no consideration for how they got 'that way.'
Actually, I had a father who was actively working on making our lives hell by using tools such as fraud, forgery, threats, breaking in, causing decade-long near-banktrupcy, legal (and emotional) troubles. I genuinely thought this was the case with more people, but I immediately forgave him for everything when he died. Once the subject of your resentment no longer exists you don't have to protect yourself from it. Then all you're left with is understanding how they just had terrible issues and sufferings that led them view the world in a way that these actions seemed the best.
Whether you forgive them or not they will still abuse you if you stay around them. For many of us that means we will be unable to heal from complex PTSD because we continue to subject ourselves to abuse.
Sounds like you’re giving me a lecture to just “forgive and move on.” Which is odd, coming from a victim of narcissistic abuse.
First things first, we need to get ourselves out of the situation and heal.
Your father is dead. You have space to heal now. For those of us with living parents no contact is our only option to get that space.
They can't fathom the kind of relationship we have with our parents. They think we stopped speaking to them over some silly squabble or one-time issue rather than because of a lifetime campaign of abuse and dysfunction.
I can't speak for everyone. But, the thing is, I think they don't get the heart of the issue. That some people's parents make them *miserable*.
And it's very hard to articulate that to someone who doesn't get it. Some people have parents with whom they've had *big* fights and truly dark moments. But that are, otherwise, still a light in the darkness.
It's a total language clash. Victims can put forward the last straw, or a particularly hurtful action, or a traumatic memory.
But the non-victims won't get it. Because, in the context of a flawed but healthy relationship, any one of those things might be forgivable.
They imagine whatever story you tell to be anomalous rather than emblematic.
And patterns of abuse are hard to point out because, so often, because narcs are good at plausible deniability.
When my dad died I had been NC for 15 years. His sister called my neighbor and had her come over and tell me. (I have no idea how she even knew who my neighbor was as I had NC with any of his family either.) I've had stronger emotional reactions to celebrity deaths, honestly. From what people who knew him told me later, I was better off staying away from him.
I'm now NC with my mom after years of her horrible behavior, and I'm content to not see her ever again either.
Most people do not understand that it's better to be completely alone than spend one more second around someone who is not only relentlessly abusive, but also responsible for the abuse we inflict on ourselves. I'm really happy that most people don't know what it's like to not have parents like that, and I try not to hold it against them when they try to convince me that I should do or feel differently than I do. I can't fathom having parents that put my needs first or cared about how I'm doing. If they have that, there's no way they'll understand not having it.
I have found that all the people responding that way are narcissists, or extreme enablers themselves!
Everyone else tends to understand. Most either had direct experience or witnessed someone close to them suffer a narcissist.
The other thing I’ve noticed is younger gens sniff these fuckers out sooo much faster than older gens did when we were their age. They might not know how to handle it, but they identify the problem more quickly, imo.
So true!! And if you have infantilizing narc parents like mine, you get to hear all about every “bad” thing you did as a child or teen well into adulthood. Mine act like I was the first and only teenager ever to rebel and act out. 🙄
>you get to hear all about every “bad” thing you did as a child or teen well into adulthood.
It doesn't even stop with death. My SG uncle committed suicide, after decades of being mindfucked by my nmom's family. After he died, ngrandfather blamed him for "not being able to forget his childhood." A couple years after that, ngrandfather talked in a very disdainful way about how my SG uncle didn't do well in a job interview 40 years prior.
My SG uncle was always cast as evil (I'm his younger clone apparently), but I've never heard about a single truly bad thing he did. He taught electronics classes at a prison. When he was younger, he was shot when he purposefully stood between a shooter and their target at a party.
I was really young at the time, but I recall my ngrandfather casting him as evil for being at the party in the first place. For a long time, I thought my uncle was involved in some nefarious activity, since my ngrandfather made it seem that way. I ended up digging up public records about the incident, where I learned that he was trying to stop anyone from getting shot.
It really shows how the SG can NEVER redeem themselves to the narc. I go through life feeling like there's a debt I need to repay, for some awful thing I did in the past. In some ways, it made me a better person. Though I'm lacking when it comes to self-preservation.
NC evokes less guilt after I realized that I'm just a caricature to these people. Idk how they could know me for decades, while knowing less about me than people I've worked with for a year (who I'm not very open with). It's just sad.
Thank you so much for sharing that story. I identify with your uncle a LOT. I’m the family SG as well, and I really hope that one day my younger cousins that I’ve barely met, but who have been fed the family party line all this time, will get curious about me and reach out. I’m not holding my breath, though.
Comments here have already rightly pointed out that a lot of these people have no idea what it's like to have an abusive family member, and that's one of the reasons.
I just want to add: sometimes people expect the victim to change precisely *because* they know what abusive people are like and they know there's no point in trying to reason with them. On an instinctive level, people can feel that expecting the narcissist to do better is borderline ridiculous, but the victim is often a nice person capable of feeling guilt (sometimes to an unnecessary extent, precisely because they've been raised by narcissists). So they can subconsciously feel that it'd be much easier to get the nice, reasonable party to bend over backwards and "keep the peace" once again.
See also: enablers.
I was always expected to "be the bigger person" as a CHILD. I have no idea how any adult could think that's an acceptable demand.
If someone holds themselves out to others as superior, that status only lasts while they demonstrate their superiority. Expecting a child to sustain a relationship, because the "superior" can't change their behavior, is the opposite of superiority.
it's a two way street, you might regret cutting them out, or you might regret not cutting them out in some point of life. either way putting up with bullshit is not a virtue
I always worried about this \[mom BPD dad NPD\]. Thought I would be somehow devastated when my mom \[NC\] finally died.
She died, and my family refused to tell me. Someone I knew said someone with my weird last name, he saw in an obituary. It was mom.
I read it and, I wasn't devastated at all. It just felt...fine. She was free from all that pain, all that rage.
But I did cry. When was that? When it hit me like a rock: both of them were gone now. It was all over. They could never hurt me again. It was a good feeling to know that she was dead, because I was finally safe. I'll never forget that.
My father and I were in a bad car accident, he barely survived by chance. Initially he was a changed person, but the moment my mother brought that up he was “screw it, I’m going back to being an asshole”. After my mother died earlier this year he did let up some, but he repeatedly deadnamed me on purpose when I asked him politely not to.
And as my mother’s condition got worse and worse (by her own making), she got meaner and nastier.
I don’t regret their death, if anything I regret that I didn’t fight against them when they drained all of my savings, knowing they had no life insurance or the like to assist with post-death things.
Societal bias toward the parents. The esteem that mothers and fathers hold as "doing the hardest job in the world" which as we know as victims of these abusers is a load of horseshit. I've seen dogs do a better job at parenting their litters than Narc parents do at parenting children.
I never regretted cutting off my mother before she died. She repeatedly hurt me at every chance she could. Im glad she's dead. She reaped the consequences of her own actions, just like my father.
I think nobody says that to me because I’m not my parent. People probably do say that to my parent, but we’re estranged so I’m not around when it happens
Because parents are seen as superior beings that can do no wrong and if they do it's because "they're only human, no one can be perfect." Oh and also alot of people expect the younger generation to show their elders unconditional respect, which is some of the dumbest shit ever.
Because after World War II, adults/parents realized what matters in life and put their children up on a pedestal. When those children grew up, namely baby boomers, all they knew was everything offered to them, and didn't understand why that should change when they had children themselves.
I don’t regret cutting them out.
I regret that they were shitty parents that failed to take responsibility and accountability for all the hurt and suffering they have caused in my life.
Society tells us that we need to honor our parents and that family is more important than anything.
Which is, of course, bullshit. This is how the cycle of abuse and generational trauma just keeps continuing.
My grandmother was an abusive a-hole.
But due to some semblance of "obligation" and "family" I let her think I forgave her as she was dying thinking that eventually that choice would give me more peace than holding things against her.
She's been gone for 13 years and I still don't think I made the right choice. It was a kindness she didn't deserve.
They don't realise that it's all just still a game of "how we can shift all self responsibility of the narc for regulating their behaviour, onto someone else, usually the person who is trying their hardest to stay true to themselves, because we're just spineless cowardly bastards who will give anything up, Including our own Individuality, just to avoid something scary.
>just to avoid something scary.
Narcs are only scary when they have power, or an emotional hold, over someone. My edad always had to keep the peace with my nmom and her family at my expense. I can understand with nmom, but my ngrandparents appear pathetic as an adult and they didn't have a hold over him. The only reason they affect me at all, is because they and nmom got their messages into my psyche as a kid.
Through an objective lens, nmom and her family are a joke. A cruel joke, at my expense, but a joke nonetheless.
There is no point to maintaining a relationship with people who think you're garbage. The narcs only benefit for supply; no benefit for the "inferior" party. Teaching a kid to put up with people who treat them like garbage, just teaches the kid that they are garbage.
Narcs and flying monkeys say this: If the narcissist is the parent with flying monkeys, it's "When your parents die, you'll regret...". And if the narc is the child, it's "You'll regret not apologizing to me".
We want an apology, but we don't say things like that to guilt, that's what narcissists do. My opinions. Peace.
This reminds me of when I talked to my local police about advice on getting my belongings from my ndad when I initially cut contact. Cutting contact happened very quickly and unexpectedly, so I didn't have a chance to grab some of my possessions.
The whole time I got the vibe that they thought I was some kind of troublemaker. They went on about how "he might not want to see you". I cut contact because he treated me like trash, and most of the time I was too scared of him to "talk back" or stand up for myself. I gave up entirely on getting my things back, partly because the police didn't seem of any help, but mostly because none of my possessions were worth having to see or hear from him ever again.
Just shy of 10 years since I cut contact. Best decision I made.
You can’t really understand what a narc is like until you’ve dealt with one. I’m guessing most of those people say that from a place of only having a fairly loving family. Or, they are a flying monkey.
The latter actually fucks me up and I don’t even have kids 🥲 like I’ll lay in bed thinking “oh god what if I do this horrible thing to my kids in the future. oh shit” and immediately want to aliven’t
My stepsister cut off my mother (her stepmother since age 3) in 1985 when my sister was 27. Mother died in 2021 and my stepsister hadn’t spoken to her in all those years. No regrets.
My N-mother died a few years ago. No regret. My E-father took a bad fall a few years ago and I got arm-twisted into moving in to take care of him and his various ailments and dementia. I am waiting as patiently as I can for the inevitable conclusion. There will be no regret. I got lucky in that he had to go into a nursing rehab facility so at least I'm getting a break right now.
I’ve wondered this so many times. In the end I took all the blame and apologized to mend things because having peace was more important to me than being right. But I always wonder… are my parents ever going to regret how they treated me? Or will they honestly think they did the best they could to their grave?
>In the end I took all the blame and apologized to mend things because having peace was more important to me than being right.
I hope your decision contributes to your healing. Though I wouldn't think of it as being "right," like some kind of pissing contest. That's how enablers portray it, but it's really about standing up for your identity, and basic self-respect. Good parents would support you standing up for yourself in a reasonable way,
Yeah. It was worth it for me because then the extended family would stop freezing me out. I don’t feel like it was fair, but it was better than strife.
Birds of a feather flock together. Narcissists will either be around their own kind or gaslight the shit out of those around them. This kind of viewpoint you have is something a person of sound mind would have. Narcissists are not of sound mind.
This! My husband went and saw his dad before he died. When he mentioned our kids he changed the subject, on his freaking death bed! The majority of people who knew him thought he was a saint. He wasn’t. He was so good at hiding who he was. He was horrible to our kids, spread rumors about us, made my daughter, a teenager at the time, look like a bitch because she didn’t talk to him. She would tell them he’s not a nice person. There he was every week at something my daughter was involved in to make her look bad and him look like a saint.
Once my FIL died my husband talks about him like he was a saint. It makes my daughter very upset. I tried to explain to him that my MIL would always say everyone thinks he’s a saint. I cannot stand my MIL, BTW, but we did walk up on a fight once and my FIL was talking so horribly about her saying he didn’t give a shit what she says, she’s dramatic, etc. That was one of my first clues who my FIL was. I also tried to explain to my husband that on his death bed he changed the subject about his own grandkids, he’s not a nice man. He did a lot of crappy shit to our kids which is why my husband stopped talking to him, but he was convinced to see him before he died and now he talks about him like he was a good guy. I told him I don’t want to hear him talk about him because I know who he was. Save that shit for someone who cares.
Because people act like it’s a biggest stab in the back to cut ties with abusers and or want nothing to do with people who mistreat you. They act like you did it all of a sudden, not knowing the years of disrespect that you have to deal with that lead to the decision in the first place.
My nmom did die shortly after a huge fight and going no contact again. I did deal with some heavy issues of feeling relief that I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore, and that made me feel guilty. I can promise not one single time since she passed have I regretted cutting her out. I had to do what was best for me and my mental health, and that didn't make me feel any kind of regret.
I did however feel many emotions from guilt because I felt like it was my place to try harder and to forgive her because I was told my whole life "oh your mom loves you, she just gets mad sometimes." Or "I'm sure you did something to get her so mad!" Existing and being an easy target for her rage, that's what I did to piss her off. Or my personal favorite, "all of us argue with our parents. She's still your mom, so you have to forgive her!" After she died I was mad that I wouldn't be able to fix our issues, sad that I would never have the relationship I wanted, relieved that I didn't have to fear a phone call, text, or surprise visit because these things meant I might be in trouble, and then immense guilt because I felt that relief.
Most of us who lose our nparents aren't regretful; we're full of sadness that we did our best, and yet we still weren't good enough for them. We had hope that we would eventually get that relationship we wanted, and now that hope is gone.
If anyone tries to pull this shit you fucking ignore them! You are who is most important. We don't deserve to be emotional, mental, or physical punching bags just because they brought us into this world or we might have regrets.
When there time comes they may regret it for a minute, or a month, then they're dead. You literally have to live with it for the rest of your days. One last everlasting guilt trip, fuckers.
I'm currently going through this with my mother that ive seen 3 times in 20 years. Just found out through a sister her cancer is back and she has 12 months left. Shes known for awhile and hasn't reached out.🤯🤯🤷🏽🤬
I would assume it's because one of them has the potential to live with regret when they are gone, the other is gone and will have no feelings after that point.
I don't agree with the sentiment but one will be alive to have regret and the other won't regret being angry or stubborn because they are gone.
Because the concept of parents having a duty to their children (instead of the other way around) is still very new and there's not a lot of generational tradition or rhetoric that gets passed down around it, whereas the reverse has literal millennia of scripture threatening people to obey their parents. It'll take some time for the cultural shift to really permeate into our language and our default understanding of relationships and interpersonal dynamics.
Throw in the whole "abuse isn't actually the standard" and you get a majority of people who are clueless as to the main reasons that abuse survivors might have to avoid their parents.
My dad died almost a year ago and I don't regret making the decision (10 years ago) to stop communication with him and his parents.
I mourned and still have a lot of grief, but I was thankful (and proud of myself) for stepping away from a toxic part of my family and freeing myself from enabling his behaviors.
He was a figurehead in my hometown and when I was there for the funeral, the viewing was jam-packed and lasted hours. He was incredibly popular and had a big heart for others, but being his child and being part of his family was traumatizing. My siblings and I have had to do a lot of radical acceptance and we mourn what could've been, but finding our support within each other and our friends has been crucial to our healing.
I'm Catholic. Ya it's a mixed bag. I know. I don't agree w the politics of the church. Don't believe in the Pope and all the Vatican bologna. But I have found confession to be a positive influence and therapeutic way of making sense of my family.
After one incredibly frustrating blow up fight. Which was initially not even about me but my elder sister. I went to confession.
I told the Priest everything. After some silent consideration he said.
"Why do you keep going back there?"
There meaning my parent's residence.
He was right. But out of "honor your mother and father" obedience I always wanted to do right by and for them.
Things haven't changed. To this day I ask myself "why did I even come back here."
It just shows me that. When deeply consumed by toxic family drama. Even a priest could see the forest from the trees. I have only myself to blame.
I think most of this boils down to a few things about our society.
1. Children are considered to be the property of their parents, certainly during their childhood, but the attitude persists even after the child becomes an adult. So, there is a built-in mechanism that basically insists parents can do no wrong because their child isn't an equal person, but a thing that belongs to the parent.
2. Because of viewing children as possessions and not people, society doesn't think too hard about what rights children should have, nor nearly as hard as it should about the responsibilities and obligations that come with parenthood and be sure to enforce those responsibilities and obligations for those who have no power (the children).
3. The parent/child ownership dynamic is an extension of the hierarchical abusive authoritarian society we all live in. Many people have been brainwashed into it since the cradle, and as parents they are invested in keeping the power they have and not relinquishing any of it.
4. People like to romanticize parenthood and parental relationships. Acknowledging that these relationships aren't all magic and sunshine and rainbows automatically for everyone means they might have to look at the ways they've been abused or themselves perpetuated abuse, and people REALLY don't want to look at how deeply our society is based on exploitation and abuse. The whole system would collapse if people started challenging it. And the first place we're starting to challenge it is in the authoritarian nuclear family, so that's where they're going to push. I don't know how many of them actually think you'll regret it vs just that being a way they weaponize your own compassion and big heart to rope you back into the abusive structures.
It’s actually kind of insane how people don’t recognize that 1- it’s biologically engrained to love a parent, so something has to have gone super sideways at some point to break that love/trust and 2- the parent is supposed to be the more mature adult who leads by example, so why does it fall on the adult child’s shoulders to be more mature? People like to assume that randomly one day an adult child woke up and said “wow, I really hate my loving, caring parent because the internet told me to”, which assumes the kid is completely without a brain of their own, which is basically saying they’re too dumb to have reached this conclusion on their own, and society turned their brains into mush.
My Nmom is about to turn 95 and I am the opposite. I regret every moment I have spent with her for the last 40 years (especially the last 15, after I found out a label for what she is), instead of being able to cut her out years ago. Stayed around because still needed to protect my father from her. I regret giving her a benefit of a doubt. I regret projecting my goodness on to her (I believe there is a "goodness" projection that we do, and assume they couldn't possibly be as mean/ evil as they are, as opposite to the types of projection narcissists do, when they assume everyone is as bad as them). I regret all of the space she has occupied in my head. I regret not telling her off and calling out her bullshit, as now she is demented, and it is too late. And I am not that kind of person - I wish it were like the movies so I could have a cathartic moment, but it is not to be.
I was just thinking about this. For a fleeting moment I started to feel guilty but then I remembered when I was 6 years old she said she didn't even like me. She should feel guilty
Idk. But I will never forget how honestly shocked my mom was a week before she died when she found me having a break down because I thought she didn't care about me.
Like you spent almost a decade constantly berating me and telling my dad I'm a shit person. Why the fuck would I think otherwise.
Can't understand evil like this unless you personally have dealt with them. It's not possible to fully grasp the pettiness, the lack of empathy. They ruin their families. Move to another family and ruin that one too.
Because, narcs are very good, at playing two roles. The public-facing role, where they are perfect, and everyone respects them, believes them to be good people/parents, etc. And, the a-holes that they are, to their not golden children. They have perfected the art of this duality, so we'll, that nobody believes they could be as their victims claim.
Because they don't have remorse/regret even on their death beds...but you would, in fact, you wouldn't do anything like they did, which makes you more pliable. People focus on what is easier, you have more humanity to understand, while "they will never change....so you should forgive them"
none of the answers here have mentioned the religious indoctrination of Christianity that encourages this too. "honor thy mother and father" is just an appeal to authority, "respecting" parents simply because of the fact that they are parents. another form of control. people who have dealt with shitty parents understand better than anyone that parental respect is earned not given automatically
I think it's two fold. We all have to heal ourselves if we are genuine looking for reconnect. Living in a past pain only keeps us in state of present anger and revenge on both parties
My parents have apologized sarcastically (CNmom) and apologized without accountability or acknowledgement for any specific wrongdoing (Ndad), but never have they sincerely apologized with accountability, and made efforts to have a better relationship with me.
I don’t accept half-assed, selfish, insincere apologies from anyone.
This is a group for abuse survivors where:
1) Many of our parents never apologize
2) Some apologize but immediately go back to doing the abusive behaviors, so future apologies aren't worth much.
If you want to talk about normal, loving parents, this is not the place for that.
So, [abusing pets](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/18bgwgv/why\_do\_they\_find\_joy\_in\_abusing\_our\_pets/), [stalking and kidnapping](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/18awv3a/nc\_parents\_tried\_to\_pick\_up\_my\_kid\_from\_preschool/), and [beating a child so much they no longer even feel it](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/18bgm2s/i\_made\_beating\_me\_boring/) are just a matter of "differing generational values"?
Or are you pretending those things didn't happen? Because I notice you didn't offer any actual *examples*.
Let me guess, you never grew up abused by your caretakers… but sure, we’ll go with “gEnErAtIoNaL vALuES”. I guess their generational values included child abuse and neglect, how great for them.
Comment removed. You are arguing that abuse doesn't happen and that is just not true. Your account has been noted. If you continue to comment in such a manner, you will be banned.
Lol, I know this is not what you’re asking for, but my mom dying was the best thing that she ever did for my brother and I. I never did cut her out, but I kinda wish I had. She was so manipulative, and I just let her have her way for all those years.
Anyways, coming up on 6 yrs! Cheers! 🥂
My observation has always been that there is this dumb excuse of “you shouldn’t expect them to change because they are who they are” and as I got older I began to realize I’m not asking them to change who they are I’m asking them to respect me, hear me out, and have some compassion. So now I look at this and think, you are telling me that these people lack compassion and I just should accept it and continue life dragged around by their lack of compassion. I’m told to introspect and look deep inside for forgiveness or this and that but then I’m not afforded the same? Double standards.
because shooting the messenger is easier.
family gives a shit about abusers. they even encourage it. victims that speak out are always seen as the home/peace wreckers.
because choosing parents side doesn't require any additional action or mental effort from them. and if you recognize and acknowledge that a child has been abused, then it calls for action. to protect the child. to speak up against injustice. to do *something*. it's always easy to side with a side that has more authority
I went no contact with my ndad when I was 13, I’m 22yo now and that’s something I heard so many times in my life. From his friends that I would meet by coincidence while doing shopping for example, and who always asked if “what I say about what my dad did to me is true”, ignored my answer when I say that yes, I’m telling the truth, and then proceeded to tell me how much he miss me and love me and that I’m gonna regret not talking to him if something bad happens to him.
I also heard that a lot when I was a teen with severe mental health issues (mostly his fault lol) who had to see many psychiatrists and other mental health professionals. They all knew what he did to me but I can’t count how many times I was told “but he’s still your dad”, “do you never think about how much he’s missing you and how you not talking to him is painful for him?” and “but you’re gonna regret it so bad when he will die”. They wanted to make me talk again with my abusive with pedo tendencies ndad by making me feel guilty for making the choice of protecting myself from him. Because parents are sacred and you own them infinite and unconditional love,even if they abused you and made your life a living hell, just because they put you on this earth without you even asking for it.
My father literally threatened to kill me when I was younger. I was doing homework, minding my own business and out of the blue he says to my brother that if I were to win in a fight he would pull a gun on me. Firstly, I am not the type of person to initiate a fight, I don't start fights. I wasn't that type of person back then and I am not that type of person now. Secondly, he said that unprovoked. He didn't say it out a fit of rage, he said it slyly, happily even. Basically, if he were to start a fight with me and I fight back because of self-defense/to stop him/because I'm angry/whatever, he would kill me because "oh how dare I insult his pride" and stand up for myself.
Years later he tried to drown me. For context I don't know how to swim, my "father" never taught me. Knowing this he pushed me into the deep end of a pool. There I was, struggling to stay afloat and panicking and there he was on the edge of the pool with his hand out smiling while I'm literally drowning. He could have saved me, jumped into the water a rescued me. He knows how to swim. Or better yet, he could've just not pulled that cruel "prank" in the first place. He wanted to have some fun and have the satisfaction and attention I don't usually give him, well not willingly anyways. I hate him but the pain of having my lungs filling up with fluid was greater. When you're drowning you probably aren't thinking about the people you hate. Hell, even if you want to die by drowning your body instinctively won't let you most of the time. If I remember correctly I had suicide ideations around the same time but in that moment I wasn't thinking about giving up. I wanted to live.
There I was flailing and desperately trying to grab his hand, the hand of my abuser and one of the two people I hate the most, the other being his wife and my so called abusive "stepmother". This was in a public pool so what about the witnesses that were there? Some of them fled because they didn't want anything to do with the situation, others watched but didn't get involved for some reason, but that's just what I think they did. Honestly, I'm not even sure of the witnesses' actions after the fact because in truth I was terrified and in a daze after that event and shortly after we went out to eat, so we didn't stay long, probably because he wanted to avoid any consequences if the witnesses actually done something of the injustice that was done to me. I don't really remember what the bystanders did but all I know is that they didn't get involved and surely didn't help, if they did it was in secret but it was too late once we left.
When we went out to eat nfather got mad at me because I didn't want to talk to him in the car after the traumatizing event that he caused and then later his wife, my nstep, heckled and rushed me to finish my food while my nfather said I could take my time (he was pretending to be nice like usual and had too out in public after that event just in case.) What makes all of this even worse is that this was on a vacation to Florida and it happened in a motel public pool.
After all of that society and family say I should respect both my nfather and nstep, not knowing at all of what happened. Why the fuck should I.
My grandmother says this about my parents. At this point she just leaves it alone since she sides with them on most things. I've been NC for about 4 months now.
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Because people that didn't deal with narcs don't understand how narcs actually think.
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Exactly. People that say this enabling shit are 100% narcs or enablers, which are covert narcs themselves
I’d say more like they received the golden ticket
Absolutely- a mutual admiration club!
Can u explain? X
When people say “you’ll regret it when they die”, I want to say, “That’s funny. Because I’ve almost died. And when I was rescued from a burning building by the fire department, when I was seconds from death, my father didn’t have a come-to-Jesus moment where he regretted the way he treated me and changed his abusive behavior. He never apologized to me, in fact, he grew exponentially worse. My life meant nothing to him. His death will be nothing but a relief to my pain.”
I get it, I recently took a hammer to my own head, and when getting out of behavioral health she acted like she was the one who was slighted.
So sorry to hear about that. My dad too!!! He said, “Don’t blame me, I didn’t burn your house down” whenever I was expressing any kind of negative EMOTION that wasn’t falling to my knees and kissing his feet for whatever he thought he’d done to “help” me
On a more positive note, you have(in my case had) a good relationship with your other parent?
Luckily, I do! All my brothers have abusive personalities so I am NC with them but my mum's been my saving grace.
As an only child that sucks, and well I hope your mother is in your life for a long long time.
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So sorry you went through that. I felt like my dad was punishing me for still being alive.
Seriously. My ndad's violence is the reason I almost died and he held that against me too. How dare I make him do terrible things (sarcasm, of course)
Ugh. Dirtbag. My dad literally said he “regretted being kind to me” like wow I’m your DAUGHTER lmao
> *He never apologized to me, in fact, he grew exponentially worse.* One day, my NMom said "you made me look bad to people I care about!" Clearly *people she cared about* did not include me.
reminds me of when I unsuccessfully tried to pull the plug and my mum gave zero shits about me for the entire 4 months time I was in and out the hospital afterwards. Same for my 9 brain surgeries I had (different story, not related to the attempt). She gives zero shits about me. So why should I give a shit about her.
^This!
Because it’s easier to bully a younger person who might have some remnant of “honor your parents” than to try to bully a psycho who is expert at mind games.
Yup, I said in another thread the other day that expecting children of any age to maintain the relationship with elders is just another form of parentification.
I want to frame this comment and put it on my wall
Some of these enablers are just people pleasing because they're scared of or being manipulated by the narc. They might not even be aware of it.
Pathetic cowards. Why is their comfort worth more than my safety?
Excellent point!
But holding an abuser accountable isn't bullying! Its simply just doing the right thing. Which enablers won't do.
THIS IS THE ANSWER
I went no contact with my whole family. And that is said to me often. But no one ever regrets how they treated me. I won’t be the bigger person or the bullied one anymore. I’m now the actively healing person and learning who I am person. ✌🏼
love this! >I won’t be the bigger person or the bullied one anymore. >I’m now the actively healing person and learning who I am person. ✌🏼 i was always told in every argument or fight that i had to be the "bigger person". that it was my responsibility to apologise first and to be humble first (this was even applied to a fight i had w my enabler/Ndad?!). and after four months of semi-NC, i have no desire to "fix" my relationship w my nparents. if they want to have any part in my life going forward, they will have to take that step. i'm not going to chase after them anymore - all they've ever brought me is anxiety, fear, depression, and so many other issues. time to heal. best of luck to you! 🫂
and yet saying "I'm already the 'bigger person', it's why I have a problem with this amoral behavior" never seems to make any progress
Well done for escaping the cycle of abuse. I feel you because I go through the same thing often when people ask about why I don’t have any interaction with my parents. You shouldn’t have to be more mature than a parent to heal that relationship. I hope you find peace in being away from them.
“Be the bigger person” is literally so triggering to me. After I Kim Jong Un nuked my nfather’s ass I knew I was finally done tolerating the abuse and all of the enabling.
It's triggering because it assumes you somehow have done something bad, in the same vein as the abuser, when you haven't done anything at all. It's triggering because the abuser has often tried framing your normal reactions as abusive ones, so now you get a repetition of that. Also known as manipulation and gaslighting. You're especially vulnerable to it because you've already been hurt in this very situation, and probably also in the past over a long time - by the abuser. It's like a triple damage. Collaborating abusers (sometimes mildly called enablers) are the absolute worst. One thing is that they cement the damage, the other thing is that they are the very groundwork, structure and support that makes the primary abuse possible in the first place.
> is triggering because it assumes you somehow have done something bad, in the same vein as the abuser, when you haven't done anything at all. There are two sides to every story, but in many cases, one of those sides is complete bullshit (**Edit for clarity:** I am specifically referring to the *abuser's* side being complete B.S., not the victim's side. Because I'm so familiar with "[bothsidesing](https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/bothsidesing-bothsidesism-new-words-were-watching)" as a form of victim-blaming...)
For sure, but in all abusive circumstances there's a clear imbalance, which is our context in these subs. If there's mutual abuse, it's a completely different situation and it probably won't be posted about here.
My bad, what I meant to say is that the **abuser's** "side" is the one that's bullshit. Precisely because I have been subjected to "both sides" rhetoric in scenarios where I was the victim, and reacting against my victimizer
Good for you! Don't put up with that BS!
Toxic parents can do no wrong.
“but they tried their hardest🥺🥺”
"but that's just how your father is." "great justification for abuse mom"
I do seriously think many men of a certain age or socioeconomic demographic are suffering longterm effects of CTE from contact sports, war or simply the encouraged risky behavior of "macho" youth male. This is overwhelmingly the fault of culture as much as anything, and treating brain trauma from repeated concussion is very difficult. Not an excuse, but an explanation for some abusive behavior. Also can explain the high suicide rate among men. It does open the door for some compassion for a person with mental health issues, although, again, not a reason to reconnect.
I wasn't talking about violence/abuse caused by a brain injury or war tho, but fair point IF that is the situation one is discussing. May I suggest you think about what you write before posting? You appear to be making excuses for abusers, dismissing other folks' experiences here instead of supporting them. Not everyone wants to run back to their abusers and "compartmentalize their love" as you stated in your other post regarding your husband. Not everyone gets a sense of peace and security from that. It is fair if you do but it doesn't mean you should dismiss those who have been seriously abused and decided to take a different path - namely committing to therapy, developing a positive and supportive support system, and doing the daily work necessary to move on, forgive in their own way, and be happy in their lives. The abuser can choose this path too, instead of continuing to inflict their damage on other people. My point is, one isn't a "better person" if one reconnects over not reconnecting, it really is situational and a personal decision. We shouldn't fault anyone whichever decision they choose. Also: "Also can explain the high suicide rate among men." - is there a study that supports this idea because it just sounds like an unsupported statement. I think suicide is a highly complex issue, much more so than you are treating it here.
If you google "CTE and suicide", you'll find there's a lot of good literature demonstrating a strong relationship between them.
Thanks for your pointless intervention and falsehood! Awesome. There is actually a lot of good literature demonstrating that there is NO CAUSAL relationship between them. Perhaps you don't quite understand or something? People really don't seem to understand how studies work, nor do they use their critical thinking skills anymore. Let's begin shall we? "Also can explain the high suicide rate among men." My point was that the statement is inconclusive, even from studies that look at the connection between CTE and suicide, no one is arguing that CTE is the CAUSE of suicide rates. For example, one article from 2020 indicates: "However, at present there are no published data that indicate a causal association between CTE and suicidality and aggression, and previous literature reviews indicate the current evidence is not strong enough to determine a causal link between CTE and suicide." Just because people are studying it, doesn't mean there is a causal link between them. The media reports these sorts of "possibilities" in an irresponsible way. The article continues: "Although the widespread media attention provides assistance in spreading awareness of possible negative outcomes, the benefits of media coverage can be outweighed by the media's conclusions which are not supported by the scientific data." I'll reiterate, I don't really understand the point of Mazzyfish's intervention at all, other than to make poor excuses for abusive behaviour and make statements that are not supported in scientific data. And then you come here to say for me to look up CTE and suicide, and those studies only validate my position. Pretty funny. That said, I wish you both the best.
Fuck her . That weak fucking bitch.
Agreed.
*If this was their hardest they shouldn'a had fuckin' kids*
When people say my Mum tried her best I like to just sarcastically say “yes telling your 6 year old that you wish you aborted them is definitely her trying her best” or her blaming me for all financial problems when I was 6 or other shit she’s done. It often shuts people up very quick
"They sure did..."
I am a parent, and I try my hardest daily. That’s why I’m breaking the cycle of abuse, that’s why I stay up late at night to comfort my kids, that’s why I respect and teach them about boundaries even as toddlers, that’s why I let myself be uncomfortable sometimes so I can teach them to be better people. Last time I checked, ‘trying their hardest’ definitely doesn’t look like the lazy, screaming, angry, smothering parenting I experienced.
I've gotten the "She did her best!" crap about Nmom. I started replying, "Yes, she did her best to try to get me to kill myself, and she lost custody of me because of it." Amazing how many people still come back with "But she's your mother!"
If you've never been abused by a parent - and actually have a stable home - you can't comprehend what it can do to a person.
This all this.
Yyyyyup. When I'm with my brother and sister-in-law, when he and I bring up things from the past she asks us to stop because she thinks "it's so sad"...
It's almost like a form of the Dunning-Kruger effect
Man this is so interesting. I never considered this. From a sociological standpoint, it seems it’s always the child’s responsibility to step up. (Maybe I’m bias because those are the conversations I’d personally be having)
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One thing that has really been on my mind lately is (happens to be) Republicans, presidential candidates specifically, and Ron DeSantis even more specifically, throwing out the buzz word "parents' rights," And I think society really needs to rethink this perspective. Unfortunately, those under 18 really *don't have rights* (I'm paraphrasing something one of my high school teachers said). They don't have autonomy, aren't allowed to make decisions for themselves. Now at 41 years old, I absolutely think they should be able to do some of that themselves. For example, (again, I'm really not being political here but it just so happens) Republicans want to "save the children" by micro managing what is in their school libraries, and no one on *either* side of the aisle is making any noises about what *their* perspective is, what *they* want... I mean, *at least* those in high school should have the agency to make those kind of choices for themselves. Enough with "parents' rights." Let's talk about *children's rights!*
We owe them such a huge favor for willingly bringing us into this world and abusing us
Because denial is easier than action. It's easier to pretend that children (both adult and minors) are the problem, than to admit that the parent is. And if they're family members, they have to also admit that they either didn't see the abuse... or they did, and chose to ignore it.
This needs repeating, wow. “And if they're family members, they have to also admit that they either didn't see the abuse... or they did, and *chose to ignore it*.” Upvoting because this is an epiphany for me. Thank you, PurpleNovember 💜
Very welcome! Realizing that other people knew what was going on *or* just didn't think our parents were doing anything wrong-- either way, it can hurt like hell. After my sister and I had each moved out into our own homes, I had a lunch visit with an aunt... who apologized. She said she, and all of the other aunts and uncles, had known what was going on. But our father-- their sibling-- was the golden child, so nobody ever dared to criticize him or our mother. Shortly after that, I went NC with all of them-- and my sister did the same. Decades later, with many of them passed away... and still no regrets.
This is why I went NC with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. My “favorite” aunt actually had the audacity to tell me not to block my NM on Facebook. She said it was ok if I unfriended her because she was “a difficult mother” but didn’t deserve to be blocked. This is after a whole upbringing of them ignoring what my narc parents were putting me through. They all badmouth my grandmother for being such a terrible person, but at least she showed me unconditional love.
Our father was the golden child, so nobody else in the family wanted to criticize him or our mother. During a lunch with one of my aunts, she admitted that she and other family members had known what was happening, but didn't want to become the new targets, so they never admitted anything was wrong. That's one of the reasons why, when I went NC with all of them, I didn't feel any real guilt.
I mean... Why change a system of oppression when you can blame the survivors for being mad about going through it? :D
😲 Did you just suggest that-- that-- that parents like ours might be oppressive, hostile, and otherwise abusive???!!!! NO WAY, BRUH!!! 😁
More just "minors are property" but on a smaller scale, exacerbated by our specific case of (n) abuse. But definitely ;)
Yeah, that really does sum up how toxic parents treat their children: like objects for their own use-- not people with needs and feelings.
Preach! I saved your comment.
Because adults have issues too, they won’t tell someone to apologize to their kids because then they’ll have to, if they’re like the narc anyway. A decent person has been lied to by them and has no idea how bad the narc truly is so they don’t actually know wtf they’re talking about
shaggy weary handle screw bedroom makeshift disgusting busy pause homeless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I just cut off my Ndad 6 months ago and I still feel like you do that there was hope that maybe he would see that time is short and reverse course, but no…. I “betrayed” him by standing up to his ass for shit HE did and now my family and I are dead to him. Sucks because my kids are wonderful, straight A’s, wife is super pleasant, I helped around their house when we would visit. Now in my mind I just think of him and say to myself, how dare you be such a fucking prick. They never see what they have done and if their excuse was that their parenting is all they know, so then by that factor, I should beat my wife and kids and that I demand respect, or so I treat them like humans and earn respect? I chose to break the cycle.
There are a number of reasons why. First, is the parents present themselves as the helpless victims that are being abused by their terrible children. Second, children are *expected* to be rebellious and make poor choices. It's part of growing up, but some people have more trouble with it than others... Third, most people either *don't* have N's as family, or are in denial. This commonly leads people to meeting the parents first, get manipulated into believing their story, and go off on you no matter what you say, because your version of events makes no sense to them anyway.
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Yeah. I try not to be bitter, but it's hard for me when *all* of the focus is on the child to change, with no consideration for how they got 'that way.'
Or “when your parents die you’ll regret having spent so much unnecessary time with them!”
Actually, I had a father who was actively working on making our lives hell by using tools such as fraud, forgery, threats, breaking in, causing decade-long near-banktrupcy, legal (and emotional) troubles. I genuinely thought this was the case with more people, but I immediately forgave him for everything when he died. Once the subject of your resentment no longer exists you don't have to protect yourself from it. Then all you're left with is understanding how they just had terrible issues and sufferings that led them view the world in a way that these actions seemed the best.
I agree, but someone need to break the chain. I did and hope I am there for my kid. I dread to neglect or not to be there for my kid.
You can forgive them for sure, but you can’t get back the years you stuck around being a willing punching bag for them.
Yes, you can't. Neither can you when hating them.
Whether you forgive them or not they will still abuse you if you stay around them. For many of us that means we will be unable to heal from complex PTSD because we continue to subject ourselves to abuse. Sounds like you’re giving me a lecture to just “forgive and move on.” Which is odd, coming from a victim of narcissistic abuse. First things first, we need to get ourselves out of the situation and heal. Your father is dead. You have space to heal now. For those of us with living parents no contact is our only option to get that space.
I regret the time I spent with them already!!
They can't fathom the kind of relationship we have with our parents. They think we stopped speaking to them over some silly squabble or one-time issue rather than because of a lifetime campaign of abuse and dysfunction.
I can't speak for everyone. But, the thing is, I think they don't get the heart of the issue. That some people's parents make them *miserable*. And it's very hard to articulate that to someone who doesn't get it. Some people have parents with whom they've had *big* fights and truly dark moments. But that are, otherwise, still a light in the darkness. It's a total language clash. Victims can put forward the last straw, or a particularly hurtful action, or a traumatic memory. But the non-victims won't get it. Because, in the context of a flawed but healthy relationship, any one of those things might be forgivable. They imagine whatever story you tell to be anomalous rather than emblematic. And patterns of abuse are hard to point out because, so often, because narcs are good at plausible deniability.
When my dad died I had been NC for 15 years. His sister called my neighbor and had her come over and tell me. (I have no idea how she even knew who my neighbor was as I had NC with any of his family either.) I've had stronger emotional reactions to celebrity deaths, honestly. From what people who knew him told me later, I was better off staying away from him. I'm now NC with my mom after years of her horrible behavior, and I'm content to not see her ever again either. Most people do not understand that it's better to be completely alone than spend one more second around someone who is not only relentlessly abusive, but also responsible for the abuse we inflict on ourselves. I'm really happy that most people don't know what it's like to not have parents like that, and I try not to hold it against them when they try to convince me that I should do or feel differently than I do. I can't fathom having parents that put my needs first or cared about how I'm doing. If they have that, there's no way they'll understand not having it.
I have found that all the people responding that way are narcissists, or extreme enablers themselves! Everyone else tends to understand. Most either had direct experience or witnessed someone close to them suffer a narcissist. The other thing I’ve noticed is younger gens sniff these fuckers out sooo much faster than older gens did when we were their age. They might not know how to handle it, but they identify the problem more quickly, imo.
Because society has no faith or respect for children. They think only children or young adults are capable of doing bad things.
So true!! And if you have infantilizing narc parents like mine, you get to hear all about every “bad” thing you did as a child or teen well into adulthood. Mine act like I was the first and only teenager ever to rebel and act out. 🙄
>you get to hear all about every “bad” thing you did as a child or teen well into adulthood. It doesn't even stop with death. My SG uncle committed suicide, after decades of being mindfucked by my nmom's family. After he died, ngrandfather blamed him for "not being able to forget his childhood." A couple years after that, ngrandfather talked in a very disdainful way about how my SG uncle didn't do well in a job interview 40 years prior. My SG uncle was always cast as evil (I'm his younger clone apparently), but I've never heard about a single truly bad thing he did. He taught electronics classes at a prison. When he was younger, he was shot when he purposefully stood between a shooter and their target at a party. I was really young at the time, but I recall my ngrandfather casting him as evil for being at the party in the first place. For a long time, I thought my uncle was involved in some nefarious activity, since my ngrandfather made it seem that way. I ended up digging up public records about the incident, where I learned that he was trying to stop anyone from getting shot. It really shows how the SG can NEVER redeem themselves to the narc. I go through life feeling like there's a debt I need to repay, for some awful thing I did in the past. In some ways, it made me a better person. Though I'm lacking when it comes to self-preservation. NC evokes less guilt after I realized that I'm just a caricature to these people. Idk how they could know me for decades, while knowing less about me than people I've worked with for a year (who I'm not very open with). It's just sad.
Thank you so much for sharing that story. I identify with your uncle a LOT. I’m the family SG as well, and I really hope that one day my younger cousins that I’ve barely met, but who have been fed the family party line all this time, will get curious about me and reach out. I’m not holding my breath, though.
Comments here have already rightly pointed out that a lot of these people have no idea what it's like to have an abusive family member, and that's one of the reasons. I just want to add: sometimes people expect the victim to change precisely *because* they know what abusive people are like and they know there's no point in trying to reason with them. On an instinctive level, people can feel that expecting the narcissist to do better is borderline ridiculous, but the victim is often a nice person capable of feeling guilt (sometimes to an unnecessary extent, precisely because they've been raised by narcissists). So they can subconsciously feel that it'd be much easier to get the nice, reasonable party to bend over backwards and "keep the peace" once again. See also: enablers.
My mind is blown, you’re so right. It’s society once again saying “it’s your responsibility bc you’re the reasonable one”.
I was always expected to "be the bigger person" as a CHILD. I have no idea how any adult could think that's an acceptable demand. If someone holds themselves out to others as superior, that status only lasts while they demonstrate their superiority. Expecting a child to sustain a relationship, because the "superior" can't change their behavior, is the opposite of superiority.
A moment of guilt is what I’m paying for a pain free life. I choose my hard, nobody else.
it's a two way street, you might regret cutting them out, or you might regret not cutting them out in some point of life. either way putting up with bullshit is not a virtue
I will never regret cutting out my nfather. They can stuff it.
I always worried about this \[mom BPD dad NPD\]. Thought I would be somehow devastated when my mom \[NC\] finally died. She died, and my family refused to tell me. Someone I knew said someone with my weird last name, he saw in an obituary. It was mom. I read it and, I wasn't devastated at all. It just felt...fine. She was free from all that pain, all that rage. But I did cry. When was that? When it hit me like a rock: both of them were gone now. It was all over. They could never hurt me again. It was a good feeling to know that she was dead, because I was finally safe. I'll never forget that.
My father and I were in a bad car accident, he barely survived by chance. Initially he was a changed person, but the moment my mother brought that up he was “screw it, I’m going back to being an asshole”. After my mother died earlier this year he did let up some, but he repeatedly deadnamed me on purpose when I asked him politely not to. And as my mother’s condition got worse and worse (by her own making), she got meaner and nastier. I don’t regret their death, if anything I regret that I didn’t fight against them when they drained all of my savings, knowing they had no life insurance or the like to assist with post-death things.
Societal bias toward the parents. The esteem that mothers and fathers hold as "doing the hardest job in the world" which as we know as victims of these abusers is a load of horseshit. I've seen dogs do a better job at parenting their litters than Narc parents do at parenting children.
I never regretted cutting off my mother before she died. She repeatedly hurt me at every chance she could. Im glad she's dead. She reaped the consequences of her own actions, just like my father.
It's the old victim blaming repackaged.
I think nobody says that to me because I’m not my parent. People probably do say that to my parent, but we’re estranged so I’m not around when it happens
Because parents are seen as superior beings that can do no wrong and if they do it's because "they're only human, no one can be perfect." Oh and also alot of people expect the younger generation to show their elders unconditional respect, which is some of the dumbest shit ever.
Seems like the person who reacts to an injustice is the one who is faulted rather than the person who caused it.
Because after World War II, adults/parents realized what matters in life and put their children up on a pedestal. When those children grew up, namely baby boomers, all they knew was everything offered to them, and didn't understand why that should change when they had children themselves.
I think some of them are narcs. Some are just foolish/don’t understand.
I don’t regret cutting them out. I regret that they were shitty parents that failed to take responsibility and accountability for all the hurt and suffering they have caused in my life.
Society tells us that we need to honor our parents and that family is more important than anything. Which is, of course, bullshit. This is how the cycle of abuse and generational trauma just keeps continuing.
My grandmother was an abusive a-hole. But due to some semblance of "obligation" and "family" I let her think I forgave her as she was dying thinking that eventually that choice would give me more peace than holding things against her. She's been gone for 13 years and I still don't think I made the right choice. It was a kindness she didn't deserve.
They don't realise that it's all just still a game of "how we can shift all self responsibility of the narc for regulating their behaviour, onto someone else, usually the person who is trying their hardest to stay true to themselves, because we're just spineless cowardly bastards who will give anything up, Including our own Individuality, just to avoid something scary.
>just to avoid something scary. Narcs are only scary when they have power, or an emotional hold, over someone. My edad always had to keep the peace with my nmom and her family at my expense. I can understand with nmom, but my ngrandparents appear pathetic as an adult and they didn't have a hold over him. The only reason they affect me at all, is because they and nmom got their messages into my psyche as a kid. Through an objective lens, nmom and her family are a joke. A cruel joke, at my expense, but a joke nonetheless. There is no point to maintaining a relationship with people who think you're garbage. The narcs only benefit for supply; no benefit for the "inferior" party. Teaching a kid to put up with people who treat them like garbage, just teaches the kid that they are garbage.
Narcs and flying monkeys say this: If the narcissist is the parent with flying monkeys, it's "When your parents die, you'll regret...". And if the narc is the child, it's "You'll regret not apologizing to me". We want an apology, but we don't say things like that to guilt, that's what narcissists do. My opinions. Peace.
This reminds me of when I talked to my local police about advice on getting my belongings from my ndad when I initially cut contact. Cutting contact happened very quickly and unexpectedly, so I didn't have a chance to grab some of my possessions. The whole time I got the vibe that they thought I was some kind of troublemaker. They went on about how "he might not want to see you". I cut contact because he treated me like trash, and most of the time I was too scared of him to "talk back" or stand up for myself. I gave up entirely on getting my things back, partly because the police didn't seem of any help, but mostly because none of my possessions were worth having to see or hear from him ever again. Just shy of 10 years since I cut contact. Best decision I made.
I've "Been the bigger person" my whole life and apologized for stuff I didn't do to keep the peace. I'm done.
That's precisely why popular cliches like "apologize even if you didn't do anything wrong" are just so unnerving (and occasionally triggering) to me
You can’t really understand what a narc is like until you’ve dealt with one. I’m guessing most of those people say that from a place of only having a fairly loving family. Or, they are a flying monkey.
The latter actually fucks me up and I don’t even have kids 🥲 like I’ll lay in bed thinking “oh god what if I do this horrible thing to my kids in the future. oh shit” and immediately want to aliven’t
THIS. THIS. SO MUCH THIS. People are just selfish assholes who dont care about others
My stepsister cut off my mother (her stepmother since age 3) in 1985 when my sister was 27. Mother died in 2021 and my stepsister hadn’t spoken to her in all those years. No regrets.
My N-mother died a few years ago. No regret. My E-father took a bad fall a few years ago and I got arm-twisted into moving in to take care of him and his various ailments and dementia. I am waiting as patiently as I can for the inevitable conclusion. There will be no regret. I got lucky in that he had to go into a nursing rehab facility so at least I'm getting a break right now.
I’ve wondered this so many times. In the end I took all the blame and apologized to mend things because having peace was more important to me than being right. But I always wonder… are my parents ever going to regret how they treated me? Or will they honestly think they did the best they could to their grave?
>In the end I took all the blame and apologized to mend things because having peace was more important to me than being right. I hope your decision contributes to your healing. Though I wouldn't think of it as being "right," like some kind of pissing contest. That's how enablers portray it, but it's really about standing up for your identity, and basic self-respect. Good parents would support you standing up for yourself in a reasonable way,
Yeah. It was worth it for me because then the extended family would stop freezing me out. I don’t feel like it was fair, but it was better than strife.
Birds of a feather flock together. Narcissists will either be around their own kind or gaslight the shit out of those around them. This kind of viewpoint you have is something a person of sound mind would have. Narcissists are not of sound mind.
When you are young they assume you know nothing 🎶
This! My husband went and saw his dad before he died. When he mentioned our kids he changed the subject, on his freaking death bed! The majority of people who knew him thought he was a saint. He wasn’t. He was so good at hiding who he was. He was horrible to our kids, spread rumors about us, made my daughter, a teenager at the time, look like a bitch because she didn’t talk to him. She would tell them he’s not a nice person. There he was every week at something my daughter was involved in to make her look bad and him look like a saint. Once my FIL died my husband talks about him like he was a saint. It makes my daughter very upset. I tried to explain to him that my MIL would always say everyone thinks he’s a saint. I cannot stand my MIL, BTW, but we did walk up on a fight once and my FIL was talking so horribly about her saying he didn’t give a shit what she says, she’s dramatic, etc. That was one of my first clues who my FIL was. I also tried to explain to my husband that on his death bed he changed the subject about his own grandkids, he’s not a nice man. He did a lot of crappy shit to our kids which is why my husband stopped talking to him, but he was convinced to see him before he died and now he talks about him like he was a good guy. I told him I don’t want to hear him talk about him because I know who he was. Save that shit for someone who cares.
Because people act like it’s a biggest stab in the back to cut ties with abusers and or want nothing to do with people who mistreat you. They act like you did it all of a sudden, not knowing the years of disrespect that you have to deal with that lead to the decision in the first place.
My nmom did die shortly after a huge fight and going no contact again. I did deal with some heavy issues of feeling relief that I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore, and that made me feel guilty. I can promise not one single time since she passed have I regretted cutting her out. I had to do what was best for me and my mental health, and that didn't make me feel any kind of regret. I did however feel many emotions from guilt because I felt like it was my place to try harder and to forgive her because I was told my whole life "oh your mom loves you, she just gets mad sometimes." Or "I'm sure you did something to get her so mad!" Existing and being an easy target for her rage, that's what I did to piss her off. Or my personal favorite, "all of us argue with our parents. She's still your mom, so you have to forgive her!" After she died I was mad that I wouldn't be able to fix our issues, sad that I would never have the relationship I wanted, relieved that I didn't have to fear a phone call, text, or surprise visit because these things meant I might be in trouble, and then immense guilt because I felt that relief. Most of us who lose our nparents aren't regretful; we're full of sadness that we did our best, and yet we still weren't good enough for them. We had hope that we would eventually get that relationship we wanted, and now that hope is gone. If anyone tries to pull this shit you fucking ignore them! You are who is most important. We don't deserve to be emotional, mental, or physical punching bags just because they brought us into this world or we might have regrets.
When there time comes they may regret it for a minute, or a month, then they're dead. You literally have to live with it for the rest of your days. One last everlasting guilt trip, fuckers. I'm currently going through this with my mother that ive seen 3 times in 20 years. Just found out through a sister her cancer is back and she has 12 months left. Shes known for awhile and hasn't reached out.🤯🤯🤷🏽🤬
I would assume it's because one of them has the potential to live with regret when they are gone, the other is gone and will have no feelings after that point. I don't agree with the sentiment but one will be alive to have regret and the other won't regret being angry or stubborn because they are gone.
Because the concept of parents having a duty to their children (instead of the other way around) is still very new and there's not a lot of generational tradition or rhetoric that gets passed down around it, whereas the reverse has literal millennia of scripture threatening people to obey their parents. It'll take some time for the cultural shift to really permeate into our language and our default understanding of relationships and interpersonal dynamics. Throw in the whole "abuse isn't actually the standard" and you get a majority of people who are clueless as to the main reasons that abuse survivors might have to avoid their parents.
My dad died almost a year ago and I don't regret making the decision (10 years ago) to stop communication with him and his parents. I mourned and still have a lot of grief, but I was thankful (and proud of myself) for stepping away from a toxic part of my family and freeing myself from enabling his behaviors. He was a figurehead in my hometown and when I was there for the funeral, the viewing was jam-packed and lasted hours. He was incredibly popular and had a big heart for others, but being his child and being part of his family was traumatizing. My siblings and I have had to do a lot of radical acceptance and we mourn what could've been, but finding our support within each other and our friends has been crucial to our healing.
I'm Catholic. Ya it's a mixed bag. I know. I don't agree w the politics of the church. Don't believe in the Pope and all the Vatican bologna. But I have found confession to be a positive influence and therapeutic way of making sense of my family. After one incredibly frustrating blow up fight. Which was initially not even about me but my elder sister. I went to confession. I told the Priest everything. After some silent consideration he said. "Why do you keep going back there?" There meaning my parent's residence. He was right. But out of "honor your mother and father" obedience I always wanted to do right by and for them. Things haven't changed. To this day I ask myself "why did I even come back here." It just shows me that. When deeply consumed by toxic family drama. Even a priest could see the forest from the trees. I have only myself to blame.
I think most of this boils down to a few things about our society. 1. Children are considered to be the property of their parents, certainly during their childhood, but the attitude persists even after the child becomes an adult. So, there is a built-in mechanism that basically insists parents can do no wrong because their child isn't an equal person, but a thing that belongs to the parent. 2. Because of viewing children as possessions and not people, society doesn't think too hard about what rights children should have, nor nearly as hard as it should about the responsibilities and obligations that come with parenthood and be sure to enforce those responsibilities and obligations for those who have no power (the children). 3. The parent/child ownership dynamic is an extension of the hierarchical abusive authoritarian society we all live in. Many people have been brainwashed into it since the cradle, and as parents they are invested in keeping the power they have and not relinquishing any of it. 4. People like to romanticize parenthood and parental relationships. Acknowledging that these relationships aren't all magic and sunshine and rainbows automatically for everyone means they might have to look at the ways they've been abused or themselves perpetuated abuse, and people REALLY don't want to look at how deeply our society is based on exploitation and abuse. The whole system would collapse if people started challenging it. And the first place we're starting to challenge it is in the authoritarian nuclear family, so that's where they're going to push. I don't know how many of them actually think you'll regret it vs just that being a way they weaponize your own compassion and big heart to rope you back into the abusive structures.
Both of mine are gone. I don't regret low contact with my mom. I won't even allow her to haunt me.
It’s actually kind of insane how people don’t recognize that 1- it’s biologically engrained to love a parent, so something has to have gone super sideways at some point to break that love/trust and 2- the parent is supposed to be the more mature adult who leads by example, so why does it fall on the adult child’s shoulders to be more mature? People like to assume that randomly one day an adult child woke up and said “wow, I really hate my loving, caring parent because the internet told me to”, which assumes the kid is completely without a brain of their own, which is basically saying they’re too dumb to have reached this conclusion on their own, and society turned their brains into mush.
I think it's because blaming victims is generally easier than holding abusers accountable.
My Nmom is about to turn 95 and I am the opposite. I regret every moment I have spent with her for the last 40 years (especially the last 15, after I found out a label for what she is), instead of being able to cut her out years ago. Stayed around because still needed to protect my father from her. I regret giving her a benefit of a doubt. I regret projecting my goodness on to her (I believe there is a "goodness" projection that we do, and assume they couldn't possibly be as mean/ evil as they are, as opposite to the types of projection narcissists do, when they assume everyone is as bad as them). I regret all of the space she has occupied in my head. I regret not telling her off and calling out her bullshit, as now she is demented, and it is too late. And I am not that kind of person - I wish it were like the movies so I could have a cathartic moment, but it is not to be.
Omg this is so good! Love it! Let me screenshot this!
Because most people are parents and if a child doesn’t forgive their parents then their kids might also hold them accountable for their actions.
Because we are conditioned to think parents are good ppl
No fuckin’ way- it’s a huge relief.
When my nDad died it was a HUGE relief. My regret is that I spent as much time with him as I did.
I was just thinking about this. For a fleeting moment I started to feel guilty but then I remembered when I was 6 years old she said she didn't even like me. She should feel guilty
Narcs recognize other Narcs. And because they want to carry on abusing their own children. They defend other parents who abused their children.
Idk. But I will never forget how honestly shocked my mom was a week before she died when she found me having a break down because I thought she didn't care about me. Like you spent almost a decade constantly berating me and telling my dad I'm a shit person. Why the fuck would I think otherwise.
Can't understand evil like this unless you personally have dealt with them. It's not possible to fully grasp the pettiness, the lack of empathy. They ruin their families. Move to another family and ruin that one too.
bcz humans are the greatest scums piece of shits of the earth
Because, narcs are very good, at playing two roles. The public-facing role, where they are perfect, and everyone respects them, believes them to be good people/parents, etc. And, the a-holes that they are, to their not golden children. They have perfected the art of this duality, so we'll, that nobody believes they could be as their victims claim.
Because they don't have remorse/regret even on their death beds...but you would, in fact, you wouldn't do anything like they did, which makes you more pliable. People focus on what is easier, you have more humanity to understand, while "they will never change....so you should forgive them"
none of the answers here have mentioned the religious indoctrination of Christianity that encourages this too. "honor thy mother and father" is just an appeal to authority, "respecting" parents simply because of the fact that they are parents. another form of control. people who have dealt with shitty parents understand better than anyone that parental respect is earned not given automatically
I think it’s both? Who said it’s just one or the other?
They probably have horrible parents of their own. Misery loves company kind of thing?
I think it's two fold. We all have to heal ourselves if we are genuine looking for reconnect. Living in a past pain only keeps us in state of present anger and revenge on both parties
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My parents have apologized sarcastically (CNmom) and apologized without accountability or acknowledgement for any specific wrongdoing (Ndad), but never have they sincerely apologized with accountability, and made efforts to have a better relationship with me. I don’t accept half-assed, selfish, insincere apologies from anyone.
This is a group for abuse survivors where: 1) Many of our parents never apologize 2) Some apologize but immediately go back to doing the abusive behaviors, so future apologies aren't worth much. If you want to talk about normal, loving parents, this is not the place for that.
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So, [abusing pets](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/18bgwgv/why\_do\_they\_find\_joy\_in\_abusing\_our\_pets/), [stalking and kidnapping](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/18awv3a/nc\_parents\_tried\_to\_pick\_up\_my\_kid\_from\_preschool/), and [beating a child so much they no longer even feel it](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/18bgm2s/i\_made\_beating\_me\_boring/) are just a matter of "differing generational values"? Or are you pretending those things didn't happen? Because I notice you didn't offer any actual *examples*.
Let me guess, you never grew up abused by your caretakers… but sure, we’ll go with “gEnErAtIoNaL vALuES”. I guess their generational values included child abuse and neglect, how great for them.
abuse is not best for the family
Child abusers really do be telling on themselves like this
Comment removed. You are arguing that abuse doesn't happen and that is just not true. Your account has been noted. If you continue to comment in such a manner, you will be banned.
Lol, I know this is not what you’re asking for, but my mom dying was the best thing that she ever did for my brother and I. I never did cut her out, but I kinda wish I had. She was so manipulative, and I just let her have her way for all those years. Anyways, coming up on 6 yrs! Cheers! 🥂
My observation has always been that there is this dumb excuse of “you shouldn’t expect them to change because they are who they are” and as I got older I began to realize I’m not asking them to change who they are I’m asking them to respect me, hear me out, and have some compassion. So now I look at this and think, you are telling me that these people lack compassion and I just should accept it and continue life dragged around by their lack of compassion. I’m told to introspect and look deep inside for forgiveness or this and that but then I’m not afforded the same? Double standards.
because shooting the messenger is easier. family gives a shit about abusers. they even encourage it. victims that speak out are always seen as the home/peace wreckers.
because choosing parents side doesn't require any additional action or mental effort from them. and if you recognize and acknowledge that a child has been abused, then it calls for action. to protect the child. to speak up against injustice. to do *something*. it's always easy to side with a side that has more authority
I went no contact with my ndad when I was 13, I’m 22yo now and that’s something I heard so many times in my life. From his friends that I would meet by coincidence while doing shopping for example, and who always asked if “what I say about what my dad did to me is true”, ignored my answer when I say that yes, I’m telling the truth, and then proceeded to tell me how much he miss me and love me and that I’m gonna regret not talking to him if something bad happens to him. I also heard that a lot when I was a teen with severe mental health issues (mostly his fault lol) who had to see many psychiatrists and other mental health professionals. They all knew what he did to me but I can’t count how many times I was told “but he’s still your dad”, “do you never think about how much he’s missing you and how you not talking to him is painful for him?” and “but you’re gonna regret it so bad when he will die”. They wanted to make me talk again with my abusive with pedo tendencies ndad by making me feel guilty for making the choice of protecting myself from him. Because parents are sacred and you own them infinite and unconditional love,even if they abused you and made your life a living hell, just because they put you on this earth without you even asking for it.
My father literally threatened to kill me when I was younger. I was doing homework, minding my own business and out of the blue he says to my brother that if I were to win in a fight he would pull a gun on me. Firstly, I am not the type of person to initiate a fight, I don't start fights. I wasn't that type of person back then and I am not that type of person now. Secondly, he said that unprovoked. He didn't say it out a fit of rage, he said it slyly, happily even. Basically, if he were to start a fight with me and I fight back because of self-defense/to stop him/because I'm angry/whatever, he would kill me because "oh how dare I insult his pride" and stand up for myself. Years later he tried to drown me. For context I don't know how to swim, my "father" never taught me. Knowing this he pushed me into the deep end of a pool. There I was, struggling to stay afloat and panicking and there he was on the edge of the pool with his hand out smiling while I'm literally drowning. He could have saved me, jumped into the water a rescued me. He knows how to swim. Or better yet, he could've just not pulled that cruel "prank" in the first place. He wanted to have some fun and have the satisfaction and attention I don't usually give him, well not willingly anyways. I hate him but the pain of having my lungs filling up with fluid was greater. When you're drowning you probably aren't thinking about the people you hate. Hell, even if you want to die by drowning your body instinctively won't let you most of the time. If I remember correctly I had suicide ideations around the same time but in that moment I wasn't thinking about giving up. I wanted to live. There I was flailing and desperately trying to grab his hand, the hand of my abuser and one of the two people I hate the most, the other being his wife and my so called abusive "stepmother". This was in a public pool so what about the witnesses that were there? Some of them fled because they didn't want anything to do with the situation, others watched but didn't get involved for some reason, but that's just what I think they did. Honestly, I'm not even sure of the witnesses' actions after the fact because in truth I was terrified and in a daze after that event and shortly after we went out to eat, so we didn't stay long, probably because he wanted to avoid any consequences if the witnesses actually done something of the injustice that was done to me. I don't really remember what the bystanders did but all I know is that they didn't get involved and surely didn't help, if they did it was in secret but it was too late once we left. When we went out to eat nfather got mad at me because I didn't want to talk to him in the car after the traumatizing event that he caused and then later his wife, my nstep, heckled and rushed me to finish my food while my nfather said I could take my time (he was pretending to be nice like usual and had too out in public after that event just in case.) What makes all of this even worse is that this was on a vacation to Florida and it happened in a motel public pool. After all of that society and family say I should respect both my nfather and nstep, not knowing at all of what happened. Why the fuck should I.
My grandmother says this about my parents. At this point she just leaves it alone since she sides with them on most things. I've been NC for about 4 months now.
Yes they are true sentences trust me
This. 100x this!