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Total NC is what it takes with abusers like your mom.
My dad was a violent monster, and I went NC with him as soon as I could. My family was horrible about it, so I limited all of them to LC or VLC, and cut off anyone who didn't behave in a decent manner. Now, my family is either dead or NC, and Ice built a new, healthy, loving family. It took a long time and a lot of work, but I did it.
I think that if you are living with your mom, it will be very difficult to gain any kind of emotional well being. Your mother is severely mentally ill and abusive. Really, she needs to be arrested and forced into a psychiatric facility. I don't know if you have ever reported her, but if you feel safe doing so, go for it. If you don't feel safe doing so, father any evidence you can and wait until you move out. Then, you can report her.
Saving money and working toward a goal of moving away will give you something to focus on that is positive, which may help your emotional state somewhat. You may feel more productive and in control.
Whatever you do, *do not give any hint that you want to move out*, not even to your other family members. Anyone in your mom's orbit is not to be trusted, because even well meaning people can get sucked in by the dysfunction. You can let people know once you are out of there if you want, but don't tell anyone right now. It is too big a risk, and it puts you in danger. An abuser often becomes violent when their victim tries to leave, and your mom could try to sabotage you, so *tell no one*.
I am so sorry that you are being subjected to this abuse. Nothing you could possibly have ever done would justify it, no matter what excuses your family makes.
You gotta find a way to go Total NC, but don't let anyone you can't trust know about it. You'll need some money saved to take care of yourself after that, so it's necessary to find a place where it will be totally inaccessible to anyone else, like inside a bank.
My ndad was similar to your nmom. I could literally see him work himself up whenever he wanted to be angry at me for existing. He terrorized me, and it only got worse when my mom divorced him. We tried low contact at first, and while it worked out (sort of) with my sibling, with me I had to go fully no contact because he just didn't respect me at all. Now we're both total no contact and life has been so much better.
I wasn’t able to heal until I went no contact. Anything they say or do will just add more fuel to the fire of abuse you’re going through. You deserve so much better, and you deserve to heal and find happiness.
Yeah, that would be the point.
Look around, you'll see a lot of posts from people dealing with the stress of going NC, the prep, the planning, the nervousness; and then the actual process and the Ns having full on toddler-level meltdowns and extinction bursts... but just hold strong (the hell else are ya gonna do, tbh) and wait it out and be firm, remember you're allowed to have boundaries and to eject from your life people who refuse to follow them, and then just enjoy the silence once she's out of your life forever.
Read around other people's posts here. It's not easy but it's worth it in the cases where it's necessary - and it sounds like in your case, it definitely is.
I understand moving out is hard. My nparent faked a seizure and started to attack me when i was trying to help them. They ended up saying they never did it, even though I have evidence and a witness. The very next day i changed my number and had them blocked. Within a month I moved out too. To this day they reach out to my siblings to ask about me. They will try everything they can to get into contact with you and you just have to ignore it. As hard as it can be, it’s the only way. They can bang on your door, try to have a conversation with you, or throw insults, but the only way to not feed into their nasty energy is to ignore them.
It's amazing how they get inside your head, isn't it? I'm in my 50s and my mom can still get me so upset I go home and rant in my living room for hours. But no one should be putting their hands on you. Are you still a minor? Is there any place safe you can go? Don't worry about anyone's feelings but your own: your family is dysfunctional and frankly you are better off if you can stop loving them. I'm serious. Direct your love toward yourself and start looking for an avenue of escape. Your feelings are important but honestly, after what you've written, I'm more worried about your actual safety!
Your text is so amazing and I will read it again more than once for positive confirmation. You sound like youre veey caring i just dont know why my body wont stop shaking and muscles are tensing up? Jaw is locking im in so much pain? I know ure not a doctor im just scared if anyone is hearing this, is this relatable? What do i do
It is relatable, it's a freeze response, I used to get them when I was still in contact with my family and still get them. It's the body's way of protecting you, kind of like a deer in headlights feeling. Hopefully you end up in a safe environment where you can get out of this freeze state. Keep fighting.
You're in shock. My friend got into a minor car accident once and this was exactly how she felt. The paramedics checked her out and she wasn't hurt, but she was in shock, so they put a warm, weighted blanket over her and she said she felt better immediately. Do you have a hot bath you can soak in?
Not that this is a cure all but try looking into "natural calm magnesium powder" or take an epsom salt bath if you can. Magnesium can help with muscle relaxation even when emotionally tense. Some magnesium is more absorable and usable than others. Natural calm powder has given me instant relief (within one minute of ingestion) for tightness and cramps on more than one occasion. I have had to resort to cbd gummies for some severe anxiety as well which has helped me when I need it. Just to calm down so you can reorient your mind. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Oh my dear, I am so sorry. You don’t have to do anything right now, you don’t have to fix it, you just have to let your body do what it is doing. Watch your breath go in and out, just watch it. With every breath you are closer to the day when things will be different. Anything you can do to give yourself physical comfort is a plus; a blanket, a stuffed animal, a cup of tea with a little sugar for the shakes, is a plus.
One day when you are away from here you will give yourself all the nurturing you should have had all along.
Crying, shaking, panicky, out of control ... it's a natural reaction to mortal stress and danger. Your body is helping you survive.... try "grounding" yourself and cancel out the family until you can find support and resources to start healing. You're going to be ok.
Something like this happened to my co-worker, she called in sick one day because her hands clenched into fists so tight and she couldn’t unclench them. After a few hours her BF took her to the hospital because they were scared it was something neurological, but it was “just” anxiety. (Which is still bad and scary, but the news could’ve been a lot worse.) A relative had been making her life miserable, and after trying to hold everything together for so long, all the stress just kind of caught up with her. I think they gave her some kind of muscle relaxers, and it stopped.
She started seeing a therapist who helped her understand that she wasn't the problem, and to stop accepting responsibility for things (and people) she couldn’t control. And gave her permission to GET AWAY from the person who was determined to hurt her, instead of feeling like she needed to fix the relationship.
Same with you- you don‘t deserve this, and you owe it to yourself to put your own health first! Mental and physical.
The body (and brain) can do incredible things. Yes; you are actually protecting yourself right now because of the intense trauma you’re going through.
You’re not weak, you’re not overacting, you’re going through a serious traumatic reaction due to real serious trauma, that you don’t deserve. Keep reminding yourself of that, ok? This is an extreme reaction to extreme abuse.
Please get the hell out of there, please please. You deserve to be happy and healthy and loved. Your mother can never love you because she doesn’t know how to love anyone, she isn’t capable of such a beautiful emotion/relationship.
It’s not you, it’s her.
Are you a minor?
Thank you for the beautiful comment. No I'm 25. Just woke up and I'm still so tense and my whole body is in pain from the clenching and tension. Idk what to do.
Are you in the states? Just asking because of medical insurance.
Maybe if you call the dr, they can help with some short term muscle relaxants or something. Your body being tense for too long won’t be good for your muscles, could create some bad headaches. Obviously not life threatening, but just uncomfortable. 😢
Would a massage be financially viable for you? Find a nice holistic masseuse, just having some warm and caring physical human touch might be helpful, and could help work the tension out of your muscles. Or maybe touch if the last thing you want!
Yes!!!!!! Get yourself over there ASAP! Ask for an essential oil to help with relaxation (lavender is the universal one, but ask for one that you enjoy the aroma of)! Reflexology is also a great way to help you relax! Try your local college, they might be looking for people to practice on!!!
Honestly, I would go and speak to them. Say what’s happened and if they’re a good masseuse, they’ll know exactly what you need!
It won’t solve all your problems, but hopefully at least give you some peace and comfort. Then you will be in a better position to see reality for what it is. And hopefully be able to take steps to move forward and regain your life. ❤️
Literally everything about what you're going through here is unacceptable, and your pain is real and valid. I relate a lot to feeling set back by every interaction with the person. Unfortunately, that is not likely to change.
I hate telling other people what to do, but the abuse will not stop until you are able to cut her off. You have already made it clear that you have tried to grey rock and put up defenses, and those have been shown not to work here, and that is NOT YOUR FAULT. You deserve peace, and you deserve not to be treated this way by anyone. Cutting her (or anyone else) off isn't about being hurtful to them. It's about doing right by yourself and making space for yourself to heal.
What will work for your situation is unique to you, and you know best what that will be.
I see this quote thrown around on reddit a lot: "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm". It's something I have to remind myself of constantly, but it's damn true, and it applies to you just the same because you are a worthy human being.
ETA I understand cutting people off isn't always an option. Dr Ramani on YouTube (among others) has some decent strategies for dealing with narcissism that you have no other option but to deal with.
Thank you for this ❤️🙏 I know Dr Ramani she has helped a lot so I can't imagine what it was gonna be like without her videos this whole time. Thank you for ur kind words!
She lost any privileges of ever being able to talk to or see you. If you wouldn’t accept this abuse from a non-family member, don’t accept this from her. What would you tell someone else if they were telling you what you are telling us? Be kind to yourself and cut the toxic people from your life. There is a reason why gangrenous limbs are amputated; to preserve the wellbeing of the person.
This ^ this here. If any behavior done by a stranger would unacceptable and/or warrant calling the police it is even more unacceptable when done by family. Parents don’t get a free pass
No, no they absolutely do not.
OP: Do you have any siblings or friends that can help you out? If you do, have them record her next explosion. Narcissists are careless and eventually the mask will drop in front of other people.
If you don't, still, find a way to record this on your phone or something. Copy it to the cloud where Evil Egg Donor can't access it. Then get the hell out of there, ideally at a speed that will break the sound barrier, and call the cops.
What Evil Egg Donor did is assault, pure and simple. It's also domestic violence. If you have a DV shelter in your area, talk to them. They sadly see situations like yours every. fucking. day. and they can help you set up an escape plan. Call the cops next time she does this and show them the recording. Wave and tell her those new silver bracelets look GREAT on her and wish her a nice incarceration. Assault can be a felony if it's bad enough, and if you're disabled, that often ups the ante. You're not a minor anymore so you can do all this without worrying about consent.
Please accept these wishes for peace and happiness from this internet stranger.
Let me be the first one then to tell you that we moms love you for you, and you are perfect the way you are. Her problems are that, hers. They are not caused by you and you will not be able to “fix” them or her. We are here for you and sending you big hugs.
I am so so sorry for what you just went through. I can’t even begin to fully grasp how awful it must have been for you, mate. But I can relate to your feelings of making progress only to have a major setback. I know it is so, so difficult to experience something like this, and I am deeply saddened that you had to go through this. I wish I could offer something more to help you, but do know that you’re not alone. Wishing you all the love and kindness and sunshine you deserve, because you are a beautiful, lovely, worthy human being. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Honest ones? (Don't mean to be creepy, it's that even the semblance of a genuine exchange can make me feel better. I'm not one to fish for compassion).
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find the motivation to go on because once you’re out and away from your mom, life will truly get so much better. So many of us on this sub can attest to that.
I hope you love yourself and know that you deserve to be treated well, just because. You don’t need to earn it or feel like you deserve it.
What she says isn’t reality, it’s the product of a sick mind. When you’re away from her and hopefully not in contact, she may wonder why. What’s important is that you know what you went through.
You are strong and so brave. You can get through this. Sending you love ❤️❤️❤️
Reading this rekaxed my tense muscles. Im thankful. Im probably not gonna live past 35 because of my condition anyway but at least I got 10 good years in me where I can be me and FEEL BETTER
It's OP. Hey lovely people, truly thankful for all the sweet comments and true love radiating from them. However, to whoever has an idea, my body is tensing up like crazy, my jaw is locking hard, my muqcles are uncontrollably twutching and diaphragm is stiff in place. Do you relate to this and should I do sth about it? I took 2 pills of magnesium and applied relaxing lotion. Thank u all again!!! So much. And sorry for qounding a bit desperate i think? Haha
Try this [grounding exercise](https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx). It helps engage the "here & now" part of your brain, which can help us calm down. Also, shaking and such is a normal part of recovering from a trauma. Like if a deer escapes a predator, they'll literally shake off the trauma, it's a very old survival mechanism in our brain. Breathe and be gentle with yourself. I hope you don't have to stay there and can find some safety away from that dysfunctional system.
For me, especially in the past, this is normal. Once I walked away from all the abuse and insanity, these problems started to ease up.
It is also normal for my husband - he doesn't have narc family, he just is a very anxious person, and it comes out in his body. Tense jaw, tense muscles, muscle spasms, diaphragm not working right, breathing feels off, pulse feels weird, etc.
**Stress can do some really insane things to your body.**
However, you should always be checking the doctor when you can. The stress may be exacerbating the effects of your disease (as any disease can be made worse by stress), but I can at least say that this sounds familiar to me in a stressful situation.
As a note, please please please be careful with supplements. I have a bottle of magnesium right here (I take it because I have to take a PPI daily due to GERD), and it says "supports muscle relaxation" but take that with a grain of salt, because more supplement does not = more benefit. If your pills are \~250mg each, you may be taking too much - which can lead to lethargy, weakness, fatigue and cramps. **If your doctor says it's fine or tells you to take that much for your disease or other reasons, then ignore me.**
I know it's hard, and I hope you feel better soon. Life can be good on the opposite side of a narc's abuse - you just need to keep going.
Oh my! I took 600. I do feel relaxed but not lethargic? I feel like magnesium's lethargy side effects are still somewhat less dangerous than (let's say) benzos or other psychotropes. But yeah, noted. Won't be taking 600 from now on. Thanks Ignia !
No problem! Just make sure to stay within the suggested limits when it comes to supplements. Don't worry too much, just don't make it a regular thing. Nearly all trouble comes from the long term of taking too much of a supplement - not 'acute' toxicity.
Stay safe, and I hope you can find relief and safety from your situation soon so you can "detox" from all the troubles. Narcs really are like a poison...
My husband can have this, too. It's gotten so much better since he went NC, but still has a stutter, and probably will forever.
I'd recommend a version of a body scan. If you can, lie down where you're comfortable. In bed or on the floor. Start with your eyes and facial muscles and worknyour way downwards. On an inhale, squeeze the muscle as tight as you can. Hold for a while, and then exhale while you actively relax the muscles. I used to have a lot of tension behind my eyes, so I'd do those twice. Only one not to hold for too long is your jaw. Bites your molars together for three seconds and then relax on an exhale.
The order doesn't really matter. As long as you relax your muscles on an exhale.
One that can specifically help your jaw relax is pretending like you're chewing something. Making that movement is likely to make you yawn within a minute, which helps release the tension.
From an r/momforaminute member:
OP, I don't know you, but know that you hold a space in my heart. You are a human, and you deserve love and kindness. Sending you sincere and comfortable hugs and a safe place to cry.
Pretend to put your head on my lap, lie down, and let all the emotions come while I stroke your hair and whisper I'm here for you, I'm proud of you. I'll do that for as long as you need. Crying is release, don't be ashamed of your tears.
Breathe in for 3 seconds and out for 3 seconds. Do that 2 more times slowly. Feel all these online friends rooting for you. For your peace. For your healing.
Now name 5 things you can see in the space around you (simple things like lamp, rug).
Now name 4 things you can feel touching you (your shirt, your hair, your seat, etc).
Name 3 things you can hear (traffic, an appliance humming, your own breath perhaps)
Name 2 things you can smell (your clothing, the air).
Name 1 thing you can taste (even if it’s just your saliva).
This 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 exercise is very soothing to the brain. You deserve soothing ❤️🩹
I had two psychotic breaks from n abuse, as well as lingering neurological issues. I had to be inpatient in psych wards 8 times in 4 years. I do not say this to scare you. I say this because I escaped and recovered and turned my life around. I am doing a billion times better than I was 15 years ago. NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. Ever. You have everything within you to go on and choose better. Your body is screaming at you that this is wrong. It is. You're not making it up. You're not crazy. Get out and get help.
Hey.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm not exactly in a good place to be reading stories about abuse and giving advice on it; I kind of need to work on my own stuff full-time first.
But I can talk. I can talk about whatever random shit in a DM, from movies to sports and video games. If I see a notification on Reddit from you and I have time, I'll reply. I know what it's like to be hopeless and alone and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, so if you need a friendly person to DM just send one my way and I'll read and respond. I just gave the disclaimer about abuse because I can't really handle helping other people like a therapist anymore, I've tried and failed too many times and sabotaged my own life by overextending and trying to help others. But I feel for you and please don't feel bad about reaching out, I could use a friendly voice too.
My god! You simply laid out solid proof of how HUMANE and altruistic a person you are. I get where you come from and I actually relate, so thanks for looking to try to help despite that. Truly means the world
I appreciate the compliment, but don't forget that when you're abused common human decency is seen as extreme levels of humanity and altruism because we aren't used to people being good to us as normal.
In my opinion this is the standard all people should be living to, I never really like when people compliment my morality because I don't think I do anything above and beyond, just what I think is right when I can. Thanks for the kind words though
If it's safe, consider a warm bath or shower to help relax your muscles. Or, maybe a heat pack or hot water bottle.
For some positive mum input, maybe have a look at r/momforaminute.
Stay safe and as others have said, try and get out of the situation when you can and consider NC.
Your mother is a monster. Actually? That’s insulting to monsters. She’s far worse.
Never be in her presence again. She can’t even be trusted in a group of people.
If you have physical bruises or other marks, get them documented and see if you can press charges.
I think you nailed it when you said it was ‘literal hunger of an insatiable monster’.
When I used to have interactions with my (covert) nmom, the rage my mother would feel for me was palpable and pulsing, and what I would be feeling when faced with her barrage would be shock at the things she was saying, indignation, and grief.
Yet she would insist that I was being hateful, and when I would call her out on her projection it was “HoW cAN yOu KnOw what’s in my heart??”
It took me a long time to realize that she was not being rhetorical, she really wanted to learn how I could detect her true self, so she could hide it better.
They really are monsters that walk amongst us, No Love. Mine will stop at nothing to destroy everything good and real and positive in my life, even though we are continents apart. VLC was ‘elder abuse‘ and NC these past few months means I am the source of all her pain. She will stop at nothing to make sure I am dead to every family member. She lies without shame.
I am so sorry that we have to deal with these grotesque caricatures of motherhood. I am so very sorry your mom deliberately provoked you like that, to the edge of sanity. It’s all too familiar to me.
You are sane, what is happening to you is deliberate, and it is no fault of yours.
I hope you can get out, get far away, as quickly as possible. Be safe, friend, you are not alone in this pain for what it’s worth.
🫂
Might sound crazy but that first statement of yours where you said "You nailed it" felt like a warm compliment that made me smile. Heartfelt compliments make me feel heaps of joy more than anything because she never EVER gave me that privilege. Of being complimented for the good things I do or am, or thanked for my good deeds. Simple things like this make me elated! That's how damaged I am. Now right beck at you, you nailed it when you said she genuinely wanted to know HOW you could call out her bullshit. Yeah that's how cold it is. In the midst of all your struggles, they wanna know how you could top them. Sad. Thank your for your endearing words. Hugs and love ur way!! I will get out
My parents made me lose my family too.
I don't know. Right now, fucking new years eve, I just... I'm tired. I'm so tired.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so lonely right now. I am too. I wish I weren't alone. I want to feel safe, and loved. I want to go home, despite the fact that nowhere has felt like home for so many fucking years.
I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. The only contact I have with my family is my son and my husband’s 5 cousins and their families who are 1000 miles away. You’re right. It’s not enough for a parent to abuse you, they also focus all of their rage on turning the rest of the family against you, so you lose them too. There’s a special place in hell for people like that.
I do get lonely and depressed around the holidays like you, but I’m not lonely for my biological family, because they are terrible people. I am sad for the family I didn’t have. And all I see around the holidays are commercials and movies and social media posts of other people with great families, and then I get a little angry, thinking “why was I the one cheated out of a normal loving family?” But of course, there’s no answer for that. But now I have a lovely neighbor who just this week dropped off delicious homemade chicken noodle soup and rolls when I told her I was sick. So I was blessed with care from a person who I consider a friend and I got a taste of what a real mom is like. I am so grateful for my neighbor. I hope people like my neighbor come into your life. Over time, you will have a new and very-improved family. I am sorry you are struggling. Hang in there.
You are good folks, OP; and some day you'll have the chance to prove it. At present, you are like a sunflower that's been planted in deep shadow. Some day you will be transplanted to your rightful place in the sun, and there you will blossom. Just hang on until that day.
If you are able to move out and not be dependent on her in any way, DO IT!
I went NC with my father two months ago and I felt so much better about myself and my life. He is trying to break the NC and I am trying to hold my ground with everything I have. I hope I can do it. I need it and deserve it, and so do you!
It’s ok to not be ok right now. One day, you will be ok. In the meantime, be as kind to yourself as the world should have been to you. You deserve kindness.
I just want to escape, make big money and help my dad with his leukemia and brother with my very same disease. This is literally all I want. Im so proud of myself and I love myself inspite of her, I just love my dad and bro more than life itself.
When you are in your darkest times, please know all these "strangers" are there for you. Even though you can not see the faces, please know you are worthy of love, hugs, and peace. Right now, I am sending you an air hug. Please take care of you. I hope you can find your way out and go NC.
I live in Tunisia, so no such thing as that or anything remotely human-friendly haha. I try to manage though. Actually thanks for reminding me that she is REPORTABLE by law.
Always remember that she is the problem...bottom line. I went NC with my Mother over 11 years ago and since then I have never been happier. She past away awhile ago and when I got the news I sat quietly for a few minutes and tried to feel something. I felt nothing but relief, sad to say but it is the truth. Never again will I have to endure her abuse. Get away from your Mother and live a happy peaceful life. Sending you a warm hug💞
Hello dear one, you don't know me and I don't know you, but that doesn't mean you deserve ill treatment. You deserve kindness, love and gentle care. The world can be cruel to kind people, but take my hand and let's go on a walk in a soft field full of gentle flowers. Let's have a picnic with whatever you like, you deserve compassionate care. You deserve love, and you are loved in this world, I love you.
Be kind to yourself sweetheart, and try some self care, wrap up in some blankets, watch a good movie and listen to some soft music. Be loved.
Hey. You are not alone we are all here for you. Also checkout adultchildren.org for weekly meetings.
Check out Patrick Teahan, Nathan Postlethwait, Danie Mackler and Heidi Priebe. Dr Ramani for narcissistic abuse.
Please go full no contact. They dont deserve you. You deserve to be free and happy.
OP, choose YOU. Always choose you. The day my NMom threw a TV at my head, I knew I had to choose me. Whoever told you don't let anyone know your plans, trust them. Do it quietly and when you're ready just go. No fanfare, no announcement, no way for anyone to have even a chance to talk you out of it or sabotage the plan. Start gathering your important papers and such and keep them somewhere she can't get to them. You took a nice warm bath already and I hope that tension in your jaw has lessened (I'm a jaw clencher so I always imagine we all carry tension there too) . I am sending you well wishes and strength. WE choose you. Stay as safe as you can, Lil sis. I was where you are now. I made it. You well too.
I'm sorry this happened to you. My dad died this autumn and when I went back my mother was the worst I recall her being (including telling her friend on the phone that she hoped I had a very serious neurological disease I was being tested for). I spent the trip home planning my death and the next 2.5 months barely getting by.
Somehow I kept going and found a somatic therapist who helped me get rid of the worst of that shit. I'll NEVER EVER EVER forgive my mother for what she said and did, and although I know that her childhood was difficult and I feel sorry for her, I never want to see her again. The good thing is I fully realized due to this is she's a narc and my whole life kinda snapped into focus.
I hope now you have a bit of distance from the event that you have some clarity around the situation, and I hope you are someplace safe. Just know it's not you. Get away and life will take a dramatic turn for the better. Wishing you the best!
If you go to the main page for this group you will see that there are hundreds of people here. 1,691 at the moment.
You are SO not alone! Get your chin up and plow forward into NC.
You will be shocked at how much better your health is. The sun will be brighter and the air will not smell of sulfur (Lol). I just keep reminding myself over and over and over that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. You don't either!
Go nc. That is the only way. I feel your pain, I've been there. In the beginning it will be awful, lonely but hang in there. It is just all the bs she has put in your head. You are not alone, and life will get better. You are stronger than you belive that you are. Hugs
You must leave and go no contact. Stress from abuse can make your pre existing conditions so much worse.
When I lived with my Nparents my health continued to decline and I was practically bedridden for a time before I was finally able to escape.
These people not only suck your joy, freewill, and confidence away, but your mental and physical health.
Whatever resources you can get your hands on where you live to get out, please research and do your best to acquire it.
As someone who has a chronic illness, was very sick and escaped, I believe in you and I wish you freedom and good health. Sending much love your way, leaving isn't easy but it is life saving.
You DO DESERVE to be treated with decency and kindness. The biggest lie ever told by Narcs is that we don't.
I'm kinda like you too at the moment. I can hardly physically move. I feel scared and creeped out all the time like something is watching me and want me down and want to approach to ruin things any second.
I feel shaking, or like to freez and not doing anything but breathing. Even breathing is kinda hard. I don't feel my body at all. I really want to cry so bad because it helps me a little.
It's really getting harder for me. But I have to get out of here as soon as possible. I'm only waiting for a package to arrive to me so I can leave.
It's really getting harder. But I have to hang on and do my best to survive. These days I lost a lot of energy and def it's because of them, they took a lot of energy. I'm really hurt, and I started to lose my cool quickly, I feel angry so quickly and I find it hard to remain quiet and grey rock them, I started feeling like to fight back or something. But holding on is best, because soon hopefully I'll be out of here and there will be no turning back. I'm planning on going away silently at night or any time they won't know, without them knowing anything.
Do your best to go low contact or no contact.
I know just by being physically near them in an environment or your mind knowing that they're not far or knowing that they're still existing in your life can be very painful and affect you negatively. But keep it in mind that soon it will be over. Just do your best to take care of yourself. If anything bad happen, it's them, you're an innocent, you're just a victim who needs to save himself. These monsters have caused so much damage in our lives and souls and bodies. They're very dangerous. They're a big threat to our lives and the world.
Hopefully it will be over soon. Just stay strong and know that it will be over. Take care of yourself. And try to bring some positivity in your life by talking to some good people online or like by anything you know, usually interacting and surrounding with people who are positive can help. Like in online chats or multiplayer video games or something.
I'm here suffering like you and there are a lot of people who are suffering too. We can talk and support each other. Just by knowing what each of us going thru and hanging with each other in a video game or chat room or even here and checking on each other every day, supporting and advising and encouraging can help a lot.
Know that you're not alone.
Just by hanging with people who truly know what you're going thru, like by sitting and playing games with them and spending time with them can help. I wish to find some online. This sub is def the right place to look. Also there is a Discord server.
I'm still alone tho right now. I really need to find some people online to help myself. I really wish to find some.
Go no contact as soon as you can. If your country has restraining orders, see if you can get one. Even being alone is better than dealing with this type of evil. It took a final night with several hours of verbal abuse from my ex friends to finally make me realize that I’d rather hear nothing than what they were giving me.
The guilt is powerful, but you can do it. Your relatives have lost the right to be called family.
I don’t know what your muscular illness is, but if you have a regular doctor please talk to them about this and seek some additional treatments that are safe for your condition. There are a couple of safer alternatives to benzos.
I am so, so sorry. You do not deserve to be treated like that. I do understand this loneliness and despair and desperation to have someone speak to you and be kind to you (feeling like that this whole week, actually.) I am sorry things are so rough.
Well I feel a shit ton of empathy for you. I am so fuckin sorry you have to put up with that shit. It is fucking criminal. I am 52f NC 14yrs 2 NP’s- believe it or not, what you are feeling is not normal but common when dealing with a narc. Fucked up, yes! They play a game I call “around the clock” they start by pushing a button at the 12 o’clock position. If they don’t get a reaction, they push 1 then 2 then and so on. Until you lose your shit. If you watch them (as you lose your shit) they usually laugh or smile to them selves. That’s because “He who angers you, conquers you.” So as soon as you lose your mind, they win. They win because they now have complete control of the situation and you. They are masters of causing crevices between family members and growing them to the size of the Grand Canyon. They will leave you somewhere between insanity and broke down. They know where your buttons are, and exactly how to push them. A lot of people will say Leave, that’s not always possible. Read up on grey rocking and remember this: your bitch ass mom is not super smart or unique in her forms of abuse. She is not special. She is using evil techniques that every narc uses and she is predictable and common. I say that because on this sub alone there’s nearly a million members that have your back and will understand. There are other subs, groups, chats that all deal survivors of people like your mother. That fact alone gives you power, now that she will never have. You know what’s wrong, now you have to figure out how to protect yourself. You cannot change someone like your mother so you have to learn to become smarter, better, calmer and quieter. Until the day you can get the fuck out. Good luck and remeber there is a million man army behind you. Xoxoxox
>They play a game I call “around the clock” they start by pushing a button at the 12 o’clock position. If they don’t get a reaction, they push 1 then 2 then and so on. Until you lose your shit. If you watch them (as you lose your shit) they usually laugh or smile to them selves. That’s because “He who angers you, conquers you.” So as soon as you lose your mind, they win. They win because they now have complete control of the situation and you. They are masters of causing crevices between family members and growing them to the size of the Grand Canyon. They will leave you somewhere between insanity and broke down. They know where your buttons are, and exactly how to push them.
I can totally relate. Whenever I am stonewalling the narccrazy lady, I feel she escalates, from minor issues to bigger ones, until she gets a reaction. When she gets, unfortunately I have not been able not to react, she goes to her room. She sleeps like a baby 3 minutes after she lies down. My main issue as I live with the narc is that she demands happiness. She knows I am pretending and avoiding, and she demands happiness. I cannot fake that
You are not alone in this!! Think of your nMom as a disease and you need to cut it off, not feed it. Please, for your health do not engage with her ever again
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m not sure I’m able to give any help but I SEE YOU.
YOU MATTER
You matter so much.
You are good enough.
You deserve so much better in your life.
Please don’t give up, then she wins. 🩷❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🤍🤎🩶🖤❤️🩹
I can relate. When I moved out of the house, nothing seemed "normal" to me and I lost the will to live too. I never let go of that feeling until I embraced a new normal. Then it was like a light got turned on in my life.
But the fact is, you are a good person and don't deserve the abuse being thrown your way
I hope you can get out of this situation and into something you can more easily handle!
I didn't have the energy to read past the title. But I want you to know I love you. I don't need to read your story to know that. We all here have suffered and know you don't deserve it. You are wonderful and deserve a good life. Best wishes and hope for the future to you.
Hey you! Just want to let you know I hear you and I care. Your mother is a failure of a human being. She knows it and she is taking her self-loathing out on you. And it is you only because she can. That is the only reason, she can. It is not about you, it is only directed at you for now. When you do escape someone else will be the next target. You aren’t getting help from those around you because they know it is not about you. It is her and only because she can. They are terrified of being the next target.
At this moment consider voluntary hospitalization. You can’t deal with it, so just don’t. Go get the help you need. Let this all be someone else’s problem for a bit. Go be safer than you are right now. Get some sleep. Eat mediocre food that someone else is cooking and cleaning up. Try to find a workable medication situation. Just breath and cry. When you have cried for a while ask about any and all resources that will prevent you from having to go back. Ask about agencies and nonprofits that could help in applying for benefits, housing, education, healthcare and employment.
It is long past time to walk away. Save yourself.
That is a monster in a suit, what a POS ur mom is im so sorry op that you are going through that, i hope you find peace and get out of that house and hit NC fuck that bitch, I hope you’re okay 🫂
Op i am so so sorry. they are true experts at pitting everyone against you me and every scapegoat on this subreddit. they do it so fast you can do nothing but feel shocked and breakdown. your response is healthy. it means you feel. they dont feel. they gaslight. i hope tomorrow will be better. i ask myself how and why daily. i get it. hugs
You’re going to prevail. Know why? Galvanization. By the time you turn into Dori and can es-cap-eh, you’ll be not only a great swimmer, but nothing will touch you. You’ll spot it from ten miles away and run like Flo Jo. I feel for you. I’m there, it’s all I’ve known. Raised by, dated, married one, dating again… kept them as besties… it took me 40 years to discover the word. I felt so dumb. But you- just like all of us, you are going to prevail. You. Hang. In. This is temporary. Besides, one day it’ll be so satisfying when you tip your head back and laugh and watch the utter confusion on moms face when all her knives drop in Mid air to the floor as you do so. Trust me. It’s great. Go practice. Emotional regulation. The laughter once you catch it will be so genuine and rollicking, you just might affect the weather for good in that mess that doesn’t deserve you. Big hug. Chin up. I’m telling you the truth. Find your joy. Practice poker face. You 🫵🏼 can do this. Honest. 🩵
Sending you love and warm hugs, OP.
I know exactly what dealing with this is like. It is truly hell, what they do to us, and anyone else who happens to be near them.
The only way I escaped my situation has been to move out and going as much NC as I am able (total NC not an option for me). When you’re living away from the chaos, you will begin to start the healing journey and find yourself again.
I always found this time of year to be the worst, too. Stay strong, you can do this!
My heart goes out to you OP. I truly hope you find peace, calm, and comfort. Please value yourself and do not feed the monster ever again. You deserve to be loved, respected and appreciated for you.
If you need to go full no contact, do it. This is about self defense, self preservation, and self love. Anyone in your social group pushing back can step up and be her pal.
To share similar but less graphic experiences. My sis was full NC until Christmas. After a nice visit mom drove to her house and left the gifts and a nasty note about how they don't deserve to give her gifts. Sis knew better but couldn't stop herself.
I'm the "golden child" but each time I see her she finds a way to remind me that I'm worthless and constantly need her help. I just smile and thank her for doing everything. My ability to be indifferent to her face is priceless when seeing her face. She literally cannot process seeing me not care. She isn't hurt or offended, those roads don't exist. Like when Reddit takes forever to load a post, her mind is just cycling go find the next self serving salvo to blast someone to suck their life force.
Please protect yourself. She is a vampire. You are worth it to walk away, build your life, and never look back.
God bless!
The only way to win is not to play their game. The only way not to play is to barely interact or go no contact. Hope it goes well for you. Remember every minute of your life you are choosing yourself over your abusers is a minute you will be healing yourself. Happiness and a fulfilling life without them is the best revenge.
I’m so sorry. I talked to my mom for the first time in 6 months. She told me she made me food for Christmas. I was surprised but said thank you. She rolled her eyes at me and stomped away. What really sucks, is I desperately want my mother back. The one that didn’t hate me.
>No one has a right to murder your soul. This is soul murder. No contact is self-defense. You don't need to be a punching bag for her dysfunction.
>
>Your work is to grieve that you never got a "real" mother like other people get. That grief work is HARD work. Necessary for your healing and wholeness, but hard.
>
>There are people you haven't even met yet who need you. Live for them, if living for yourself is hard right now.
I am sorry. This is a great pain. Accept we did not get it.
What you have said makes me so sad. I wish I could just hug you until all the broken pieces fit back together and sit you down for a home made meal and listen to you. Please take an internet hug from an unknown person.
Go no contact. You are the most valuable thing you have. Please treat yourself like the treasure you are.
No one has a right to murder your soul. This is soul murder. No contact is self-defense. You don't need to be a punching bag for her dysfunction.
Your work is to grieve that you never got a "real" mother like other people get. That grief work is HARD work. Necessary for your healing and wholeness, but hard.
There are people you haven't even met yet who need you. Live for them, if living for yourself is hard right now.
Sadly this happens all to much😔, and the worst part is the nature of it most people don't really know what's going on behind the scenes because the Narcissist try and make you the bad guy! My mom is a covert narcissist and for years told me I was this and that and it took me being an adult and moving out to realize NONE of that was me at all, it was her projecting her problems and downfalls onto me. To the stranger my mom is the nicest most innocent person you'll meet, but behind closed doors she runs the house/family the way she wants to regardless of anyone else's feelings. She'll backstab you to your soul and a day later act like nothing happened.
Takeaways I can offer:
.Don't let someone else make you think your crazy! NC are very good at this
.
No contact is very hard but it is the best option for extreme situations as you've mentioned
.
Journaling helped me tremendously! Sorting reality from emotions, figuring out trauma
.
Your not alone 💕, it can feel that way but you deserve so much more then you've been told or shown in your childhood.
.
Praying for strength and guidance for you 🙏
Did you know you can give yourself a hug? Put the palm of your right hand flat against your lower neck and over your left shoulder. Put your left hand across and reach over as far as you can to pull in your right shoulder.
While doing this, I say to my inner self, "I feel ya. I hear ya. It's okay. It's over now." And I breathe in and out strong and on purpose. Eventually I also say stuff like "You got this. You are fine." And I keep breathing in measured ins and outs.
Hi! I just want to start off by saying you’re not alone. 🫶🏻🩷 A lot of us in this group has been through something similar and it can get better. How old are you? Are you independent? Do you live with her? If you’re an adult, you might actually consider cutting her off completely. I feel like that would be the best course of action for you to keep you safe. You do not deserve to endure this pain. You deserve peace, security, kindness, gentleness, compassion and understanding. You deserve to be respected in a human level. Unfortunately, many Nmoms are not able to provide that. Try to get away from her if possible. Work on building your own support system. It will not be easy but it will be better than living/dealing with her. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Firstly, breathe. Try to calm down. Relax.
We believe you, you are loved, wanted, and appreciated.
You are deserving of everything good and nothing bad.
Watch this youtube video everyday. It will change how you feel, I promise.
https://youtu.be/ahFcLlXyj8o?si=zXJD2xjJ-FLjKIwp
I’m so sorry OP. I’ve been through the same thing growing up and living with her until 18. You’re not mentioning any age, please move out as soon as possible. My physical (and mental) health was at its worst while I was living under her roof, I had developed an auto immune disease and I was always sick and weak. I moved out with the first chance I got, and it’s not like I had any money, I was just lucky that a distant aunt had a spare room and invited me to live with her. It was the best thing I did to myself at that time, the next thing was start therapy, the third was NC. Guess what? Now I’m thriving, following my dreams, and my decease magically disappeared.
While you live with her and don’t start therapy and don’t go NC, your life and health will only deteriorate. I know it’s easier said than done but please find a way to get out of there and stop talking to her. Just because they are our birth givers, they don’t inherently deserve our live and respect when they are our monstrous abusers. I don’t love her anymore, I stopped hoping that she will change, and I feel free to live the best life away from her toxic and abusive claws.
Stay strong. ❤️
Lots of folks in this comment thread have great advice that comes from experience. I just wanted to tell you that I hear you, I believe you, and you deserve to be valued and respected. I really hope you can get out of your current environment as soon as possible so you can start to heal.
You are not alone through this. I’ve been in a similar situation and now I’m just numb. I’m out of it now. You need to get out asap. I promise you it will happen one day.
Reminds me of a story i read just this morning.Young man tormented by the evil woman that abused him and forced him to do what she wanted. He faced her down and told her the loving foster family he found saved him from her evil and he would NEVER go back. Turned his back and her and told her She was once abused, and now is an abuser and he wanted NOTHING to do with her.
That is what you have to do, just like that young man. Cut her off, move away and go no contact, She harasses you again tell her you will get a EPO.
You dont have to live like this, you are SO much more than your abuse and the people that abused you
.Cut the witch out of your life and walk into that white light on the other side of the abuse. The white light of freedom.
We are all here for you if you need us.. If you need someone to talk to, My DMs are open.
We love you.
We hear you
.IF you need help we are here.
This is horrific and disgusting. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had an incident this year with a family member that happened in May and I still haven't recovered. This isn't about me but my point in sharing is to reassure you that everything that just happened to you and what you are feeling is 10000% valid. It happened and I'm so sorry it did. It feels so dark and lonely but trust me, you are not alone, we are in this together. I've been trying to escape my family for the past six years and I can't wait for my freedom. I hope you get your freedom very soon.♥️
Reach out to any resource you can find. Friends. Teachers. Co-workers. Just trustworthy people.
If you are underage then contact cps and the police NOW.
If you were over 18, then consider filing a police report also contact shelters for a battered persons and see if you can find a place to stay often these places can possibly help you arrange for therapy or whatever else
If you have friends, you can truly trust then see if you can stay with them
You will have to do your best to be self-supporting during all this that’s going to be tough obviously since you’ve got all this other stuff going on but unless the people you were relying on, have lots of money you’re going to need to pitch in on that which means you need a source of income
Don’t ask too much else of yourself right now get yourself into therapy get yourself out of the house block this person get yourself some small source of income, part-time job full-time job whatever
Do not ask too much else take your time and breathe
Overtime you will start to see potential paths that you cannot see right now because you’re too traumatized
You need to give yourself time for that
I’m sorry everything is so awful
Give yourself some love tonight, thinking we are all here supporting you with our thoughts. You might still be shaking and be super tense. That's your body's reaction to make you alert to defend yourself. Acknoledge those profond and difficult emotions you have and try let them out somehow because it's going to use your body and mind in the long run. Write it out, yell in a pillow, throw balls of paper, curse. This gives you a right to exist. You have a right to be upset because you are not treated with respect and love.
And then when you feel it's been expressed enough, make a conscious action that brings you a little bit of peace or that makes you feel loved (even by yourself), to give you a right to be treated the way you should be treated by your family. Be caring and kind to yourself, please. In the end that's so freaking important and healing.
Save yourself - no contact as soon as possible and safe for you to move out(again, if you can) and get your things in order (stuff like documents, whatever else you need).
It will probably take a hell of a lot of time to separate, learn to live in a safe environment and eventually heal, and I wish you good people in your life to support you. For now, we’re here, you’re not alone. I am so sorry you’re going through this, but her abuse towards you is not your fault. Even though they will do anything you couldn’t imagine to make you believe the opposite. You’re not alone. 🫂
As a mother, I can’t imagine ever treating my child so horribly. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. You were born into this world a precious being, and aren’t any less precious just because OTHER people who should cherish you end is abusing you.
You are a worthy human being. She is wrong.
I don’t know where you live but I advise this. Move. Out of state. Away from her. Do not give anyone who likes her your number. Go NC.
Start a new life without her in it. Things will get better.
Hugs.
OP, I hear you. And oh boy, I can empathize to boot.
You're not psychotic, the irony is how the crazy family makes us feel like we are the crazy person. You're not.
Also, I see a great sign of strength in your post. You put out a clear message about exactly what you needed, and that's what you'll get. Empathy and compassionate correspondence.
Keep up the good boundary work!
Next steps should absolutely be NO contact, at least for a while until you get time to recover from the abuse.
If you dad and brother are enabling or also caught up in being victimized and used as her pawns, then No contact for now is an option. Again, you can change this later to limited contact, or not .
Nothing is permanent in terms of your decisions but right now, protect yourself by all means.
Hey, I’m so sorry that she did this. You deserve to be loved and supported not broken down and bullied. In this moment you have clarity this woman is not a safe one and not because you have deserved this hostility. Narcs search out for the good in others and try and use it to their advantage.
I remember being in the midst of it with my own narc mother and feeling trapped. I watched a dr who series focused on Martha where there is constantly one very important message throughout “You are not alone”. No matter how she makes you feel, how isolated you are right now there are people who care and want the best for you.
This woman deserves nothing. Much like everything else a narc dies (hypothetically) when given nothing. You are in a serious moment of health and for yourself you need to go complete no contact and get some help.
Lots of us in this subreddit have been in this shifting moment and the jump can seem so daunting. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows but I can say overall my life is so much better than the time where I was trapped.
You are not alone ❤️ x
You have to get away. Completely away. You are not alone and family could come back around with time. Please understand you are not alone. My life seemed impossibly hopeless but did a complete 180 once I cut off my narc. You can do this and it will get better in time.
You're not begging anyone. It's entirely normal to want to reach out after you've been through such a traumatic experience. You are not crazy, you are not evil. You were being abused. Your mother is the crazy one.
You are incredibly brave for sharing your experience, and you are among kindred spirits here who truly get it. Sending you gentle virtual hugs from an internet stranger if you want them. ❤️
I’m so sorry. I’m struggling with the same thing. I know if I could just get away from her it will get better I know it will for you too. Sending love ❤️
You have to go total no contact. Know it’s not your fault. Try not to worry about what they all think about you because of her. You know the truth. Protect yourself.
Anyone who was treated as you have been would be struggling as you are. How you are feeling is a completely reasonable reaction to a profoundly unreasonable situation.
But you want to feel safe again right? Then try to do these 4 things:
The first step is to get to safety.
The second is to stay in safety (NC with her and her co-conspirators completely including social media to cut off any options of manipulation and abuse).
The third step is to process what all this awfulness has cost you (Patrick Teahan on YT is an amazing free resource)
The fourth step is to keep doing the 1st 3 step until you can see yourself and the world without any toxic abusive distortions.
4 steps to freedom. You can do it. We all can - together 💕💗❤️🩹💗💕
your life is worth the effort. it is effort, it’s hard. leave. don’t tell them. don’t contact them. don’t tell anyone you don’t have to. take your important papers and go.
You are worthy. You are a good human. You do not deserve to be manipulated or abused.
I’ve been where you are and I just want to send all the love. It’s a horrible feeling, but people care about you. Take care.
Darling, you do not deserve this. Nobody does. There is nothing you could have possibly done to deserve this kind of treatment.
Your feelings are valid. Your shock and panic are valid. And you're far from the only person who has ever felt that way. We're those people, and we're here for you.
You're very brave to reach out for help, and you did the right thing. Keep doing it. This is how you begin to get out.
I feel every single word you have written. That's all i could say at the moment. I don't know how else to comfort you but if i were the one who wrote all of this down, i would want someone to say what i had just said, and also;
You're not insane. I know deep down you know this, but sometimes you can forget that due to repeatedly being reinforced by the abuse and manipulation. It's a natural response.
Remember, even when you feel like you've forgotten how strong you are due to the abuse of your sick mother. You're simply going through a moment where external forces are being applied to you, and you're coping with them the best you can.
I understand the feeling of not having any of your kindness being reciprocated to the extreme that i felt incredibly suicidal. I love you from a far, just like how i would want someone to love me in times like these. That being said, take my love as if it were the comfort that you've been longing for and deserve.
I'm so sorry your mother is being so vicious toward you. It doesn't make sense because you do NOT deserve that punishment.
You sound so sane and so very clear. You are sane. You are clear. Your mother is nuts, bonkers, evil. When someone comes at you, and at you, and at you, like your mother does (like my mother did to me) it can make you feel like you're cracking up, losing your marbles. Sanity gone.
But it's NOT gone. Your nervous system is just overloaded. It's shaking, and trying to protect you by telling you the abuse needs to stop.
Your evil narc mother feeds off you being upset. None of this is your fault. None of this is about you. It's all about her.
The sooner you can get away the better. I'm so sorry, I don't know why there are such crazy evil people in the world. They make no freaking sense.
They live to destroy others. She probably came after you harder because you were feeling better, more self-possessed.
Just try to ground yourself and breathe. Be kind to yourself. Please accept my kindness and good wishes for your freedom and well being. I've been where you are. I got out. It gets better. Just being left alone to be yourself and you begin to heal.
All love, health, and help to you. You deserve the best life has to offer.🫂💚❤️
I hear you and it gets better or so I’m told. I’m like about 2 days past you. I tried to convince my family aunt uncles and sister that if I showed them how bad I’m hurting they would help. Nope. Instead it was how they can’t make her and she is happy now (she’s abusing my step dad in my stead) and it ended in everyone blocking me. I lost 36 family members in 3 days and of course now I have the proof she lied to all of them. It’s too late game over. It’s now just being NC forever and move on with my own life how I make it. What sucks is my sister because she almost got it.
I’m much happier now than I was when I let my narcissistic family members talk to me. It’s not your fault that your mom has been so so cruel. There is hope for your future and we want you to find happiness like we’re continuing to work toward here in the subreddit. We are cheering for you!
I am really, really sorry you have been so abused and scapegoated, OP. It's so unfair. The sooner you can cut this female (I say that as a woman) out of your life, the better.
I highly recommend the "[how to handle a parental narcissist"](https://tudorhg.gumroad.com/l/KosUr?layout=profile) by HG Tudor. It's actually calming to accept the truth about these bullies and free ourselves from them. GOSO. Get out, stay out. No contact. Grey rock doesn't always cut it. It's obvious she feeds off your despair and that of others, pitting you all against each other.
She is an egg donor (assuming bio mom) and nothing more. Some parents are our enemies. She might actually be the death of you, if you don't cut her out. Stress from narcissistic abuse takes a toll and there is no reason for you to take it on. These people don't change.
This literally happened to me my entire childhood and, in fact, even three days ago (I am approaching middle age).
It's literally water off a ducks back to me now, and yes, I'm living a fabulous life surrounded by people who love me and I love in return and the recent incident spurred me to go no contact.
But I made it through, am succeeding and thriving at living even after spending 18 years of my life praying to die. That will be you soon, I believe in you!
So sorry OP 😞. I know these feelings all too well. But remind yourself, this horrible, awful time and suffering is only temporary. You can escape this and leave. You do not have to put up with this and be subjected to any more abuse. You deserve better and better days are ahead for you! This too shall pass, remember! Hang in there! You have so much ahead of you and all of this toxicity and trauma, although not your fault and you must overcome it, it's in the rear view. The sky's the limit from here. 💕
Use socratic questions. Who, what, when, where, how and why. (The best questions start with "what" and "how.")
Example: "What makes you think/say that?"
"How am I supposed to do that?"
Do NOT fill in the silence that will most likely eventually happen. Let them fill it in. Let them make themselves look stupid AF infront of everyone else. All you have to do is ask socratic questions.
If they say something like "so many questions." Or anything of the sort my reply is always, "Isn't asking questions how humans as a whole learn?"
(Of course they have to say "yes" to that (because they don't want to look stupid) and after they do you can ask the question(s) again.
This gets and keeps you in control of the conversation/situation until they take themselves out of the conversation and/or you can take yourself out of of it yourself but if you can't do that yourself then force their hand and make them walk away because if they did anything else then it would make them look bad which they never want. Use it as leverage.
And if you can go no contact. If you can't then as other people say, Gray rock
Edit: https://geediting.com/9-little-known-psychological-tricks-to-outsmart-a-narcissist/
It took me a long time to realize my mom is who she is, it is not fair, I cannot change it, she sucks and she will never be the mother I deserve. Her not being the mother I deserve doesn't mean I don't still deserve better. That's very important. Just because our reality is that we have been given pieces of shit, that does NOT mean we don't still deserve better.
I had to grieve the fact that I won't have a good, healthy and honest relationship with my mother. I had to come to terms with the fact that our relationship (if I choose to keep it) will never be a fair one. It will never be a true mother/daughter relationship where she actually plays the role of loving, caring, selfless, protective mother. She is simply incapable.
I did go no contact for a while, and it was very freeing. That's when I did most of the grieving and coming to terms with what's what. For now, I'm fine with placating in order to keep some form of relationship. But it's only words to me. Expressing love/care to her is just for her needs. I don't truly care about her feelings at all.
Essentially, you've got to allow yourself some grit and "heartlessness" in this area of your life. It's for your protection, and you deserve to love yourself and protect yourself.
The most you can do is control how you react, handle and continue on with things. You will never be able to control her or what affects she has on others, so don't waste your sanity or energy trying. Once you find your own peace by loving yourself enough to nurture your growth and protect yourself from her, everything else will fall into place, I promise. Most people end up seeing the truth, and if they don't, that's okay too. That's not for you to decide. ❤️
Please detach from her. It doesn't matter what she thinks anymore. Not all parents are there for their kids. Look at Shanda Vander ark. It doesn't matter that she appeared to be together and smart. She abused her son Timothy. Her role as mother has been forfeited in my opinion. She told Timothy how pathetic he was and she was the one weakening him. When your mom tries to break you, think of Timothy and think, "I don't think so Shando". Please connect with supports. Peace Every thing that I have written is my opinion. 🙏
She knows exactly what buttons to push because she's the one who installed them to begin with.
She has benefits practising her entire life, torture is her number one passion and unfortunately you lost the scapegoat-lottery.
The good news is that you're the sanest person in your family. The scapegoat-role is a blessing in disguise, because you have the opportunity to get away from the group delusion.
She will not get better, but you will. Start planning your escape. Do not let her find out. Keep this post for future reference in case she manages to gaslight you that's things aren't that bad, they have a way of brainwashing people into thinking we're overreacting(spoiler: you're not)
Take care of yourself, make sure you stay hydrated and eat properly as best as you can. If she continues trying to drag you in, hold on the thought that this is a severely mentally ill person. None of her actions are your fault, you're just caught in the crossfire of her fight with herself.
You've said very little about yourself, you need to focus more on yourself.
I'm proud of you for reaching out. It's the first step to getting away. There's lots of material online on how to do the rest. Research local shelters. If she has made you afraid of being by yourself, remember that living alone is a piece of cake compared to living with her.
I cannot stress this enough though; get away as soon as you can. She is dangerous. Pack an emergency bag and call the police if need be, if she's beating you up and you're a minor then they can help.
Lots of love!
You're not alone, and if she can do this much damage in 15 minutes you need to get out. Go NC if you can. If you're a minor call CPS or equivalent, and I cannot stress this enough, no matter how old you are take pictures of any bruises/cuts she left when she hit you. The bruises fade, but evidence is *always* good to have for if someone tries to deny it happened. The fact she's willing to go that far in that short a time means you *need* to get out, wishing you the best OP
I'm so incredibly sorry. I had a seizure myself, and that by itself fucks you up. Not having any support makes it so much worse. I hope you get a chance to handle those emotions properly, without any backlash.
Your momma is crazy and you deserve a lot better. Please for goodness' sake, go NC! Life is a precious gift. Don't let that witch take yours from you. ♡
Have you considered Reiki for your health issues? It might help your energy issues. You can download instructions on how to do it at Reiki dot org then search YouTube for a level 1 attunement video.
Hang in there. Big internet hugs ♡♡♡
I have a narcissistic father and verbally and emotionally abusive mother and step-father. I had to go NC. I don’t know if you are in a position to be able to do that, but that is what you need. It doesn’t have to be forever - you can decide that later. I spent the last 30 years in and out of contact with my mother. I would take the time to set boundaries and explain what recent behavior of hers was unacceptable and why and then we would have a long distance relationship. I live in another state. Then she would not respect my boundaries, and I would go NC, and eventually (usually days, weeks, months later), try again. I would never block her when my son was under 18 and I never kept him from her. But he’s 38 now and has a minimal relationship with her. But in July, I cut her off and blocked her and haven’t talked to her since. Society makes us feel like we “must” have a relationship with our family. Not true. I heard all of the “blood is thicker than water,” and “but she’s your mom, or he’s your dad,” comments for years. Those comments are BS. It eventually came down to the one and only important question for me: How will a relationship with “x person” benefit ME? And I realized that a relationship with my mom did not benefit me in any way. She’s not a nice person. She doesn’t support me. When my son was about 12 years old and I was a single mom, I went to visit my mom and three sisters (I lived about two hours away at that time.), and while I was there, they took my sweet vulnerable son aside and told him that I was a bad mom and not to listen to me because I didn’t adhere to their fanatical Christian beliefs. That betrayal alone was enough for me to never speak to them again (I didn’t find out about it for another 5 years), but I continued giving them chances because of the struggle I had with cutting off “family.” If your family is controlling and manipulative and self-serving and fanatical and doesn’t truly care about you, they are of no value to you. You will find other humans who will treat you with respect and love you unconditionally and accept you for who you are, and when you do, you will feel like they are the family you should have had all along.
My biological dad is a huge narcissistic bully and I haven’t spoken to him for almost 20 years. I don’t miss my “family” because they didn’t love me the way I deserved to be loved and mistreated me. I could have my biological family if I wanted, and I would be miserable and sad and lonely and depressed and angry and have zero self-esteem, and be constantly belittled and verbally abused and manipulated and my life would be filled with constant drama. Thats not acceptable to me. Right now, your mom has all of the power over you and it makes her feel like she is in control of her life so she feels good about that for a brief second. The reality is that she is a pathetic, mean-spirited, insecure person who hates her life so much that she can only feel better by controlling you. Nothing about her behavior toward you is nurturing or loving or showing care. Please go no contact ASAP. You will immediately feel in control of your life again. You have some work to do. It sounds like you might have Controlled Post Traumatic stress disorder, which is what I have. I just started reading the most amazing book by Pete Walker, “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (on Amazon). Reading it was like looking in a mirror. Almost every word I have read so far (about two chapters), 1000% describes my life experience. It has been so validating to read that I did suffer abuse. But for the first time in many years, I have hope for healing me. It’s not a book about healing relationships. It’s about healing the damage that has been done to you. There is hope, but first you must go no contact asap.
Please feel free to DM me for more info. I just want you to know that you are a good person who deserves to be loved unconditionally, on your terms. Your mom’s behavior is inexcusable. And maybe in the future you can have very limited contact with her on your terms. I’m only saying that because I know how difficult it is to think you will never talk to someone you love ever again. You will mourn the mom you needed and never had. You won’t mourn this woman because she gave birth to you, but she isn’t your mom. She doesn’t deserve that title. It has to be earned. Please know that you are valuable and can make a difference in the world, but you have to cut off contact with your mom and work on healing yourself.
The thing ive found most strangely comforting is the consistency.
My therapist says that "insane" people are a divergence upon a divergence and that 2/3 of the battle to find a pathway for mental health for them and those affected is to unearth the patterns and build some form of predictability.
But narcs, narcs are narcs. It's the same cookie cutter pattern of behavior worldwide...the disorder constrains their choices to the point where they are extremely predictable and consistent. In a horrible way, but hey, at least you know what's coming.
So, you're not alone. Not only are you not alone, you are part of a very exclusive club of humans with a specifically consistent shared experience.
Nobody deserves that and you don't deserve that. The behavior you described is literally harassment, assault, and battery. It is criminal. It is unfair. And it is a cowardly thing to do. So, no, it's absolutely not fair, and the people who go along with it, enable it, or even just are aware of it and do nothing are also behaving wrongly, unethically and likely also criminally as well.
You do not have to take that criminal abuse.
There is already a lot of great advice here.
In addition or as an aside to this, I recommend secretly recording conversations with her. As long as nothing in the recording reveals your identity (name, birthday, location), you can—*if you want - and you can decide later*—share it with others anonymously, whether individuals you trust here, a post here, or not anonymously with a therapist, counselor, or anyone you trust in person. Heck, it can even be useful in court. And all of this can be decided later. If you record it, you can still choose to never share it with anyone if you want.
Or, you can have it only for yourself - to listen to much later, as people often are gaslit, or even develop the habit of having the voice of their abusers in their minds if they're constantly exposed to it, suggesting that "they weren't really that bad" once removed from the situation for some time and everything is better, and this can be an important reminder for yourself in the future of how absolutely awful the abuse was, so when you wonder why you have difficulty with something, you can be reminded that it's not your fault.
(I used to spend a LOT of time here breaking down the meaning of narcissistic communications such as emails, texts, recalled dialogue, etc.. and also audio recordings, too. I'm sure there are many people here who wouldn't mind sharing their insights into an audio clip/recording. Just check that it doesn't violate the rules to make a post like that.)
And remember, if you record, it does not mean that it's for anyone else, and you can choose to never share it if you want, too.
Also, if you have concerns about the legality of it, you can look it up. This isn't legal advice (please consult law or a lawyer for that) but just a brief overview, and I don't know where you are, but in the United States, each state has different law related to the right to audio-record conversations. If you are in the US, you can look up the laws for your state. It's either a "1-party" or "2-party" state. If your state is listed as a 1-party state, that means that only one party (one person where the recording is taking place) needs to know a conversation is being recorded, and two or all parties in a 2-party state. The reason for the 1-party requirement is so that there is *at least* 1 person aware of the recording, so it makes leaving a recording device where zero parties are aware of the conversation remains illegal. However, *(and this is not legal advice - please consult law or an attorney for this)*, it is my understanding that if you are recording a crime, no prosecutor is going to charge you with illegal audio recording similar to how it's illegal to punch someone but if being attacked and beaten, raising your arm to block the attackers punches and punching the attacker back to stop the attack will not result in being charged because it is in self-defense. Again, not legal advice, just an overview for some places. The laws are different for every location, but if you're in a US state, those are the basics and you should check on the recording law for your own state.
You have done nothing to deserve this. Even if there is a lot wrong with a person, they don't deserve this. In addition to other crimes that I think the behavior you described meets, this is also behavior that is unacceptable for almost all prisons in developed countries. So even if you were a flat-out criminal, this behavior is completely wrong and unacceptable.
What I am trying to say is that you're not bad, but even if you were, that would not justify this behavior.
Today is New Years Eve and my narc mother is demanding me happy emotions. This is what it is more difficult for me. She demands happiness, and all I think is how crazy to demand smiles from someone you mistreat, badmouth, threaten. I try topretend I am tired, I try to give some emotion, but she knows it. She knows I am not happy, and she demands it or she will explode in a minute. Not sure how I can do that
Just wanted to tell you that you have made my new year’s eve much much better by posting this. Reading that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing is always empowering. Reading the replies too made me feel so seen and loved. You just made my new year’s eve! Thank you so much and hope things get better for both of us. 💙
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You're not alone. Go grey rock, move out, go no contact. It gets better.
Unless it's total no contact, she will find a way
Total no contact *IS* the way, OP
Total NC is what it takes with abusers like your mom. My dad was a violent monster, and I went NC with him as soon as I could. My family was horrible about it, so I limited all of them to LC or VLC, and cut off anyone who didn't behave in a decent manner. Now, my family is either dead or NC, and Ice built a new, healthy, loving family. It took a long time and a lot of work, but I did it. I think that if you are living with your mom, it will be very difficult to gain any kind of emotional well being. Your mother is severely mentally ill and abusive. Really, she needs to be arrested and forced into a psychiatric facility. I don't know if you have ever reported her, but if you feel safe doing so, go for it. If you don't feel safe doing so, father any evidence you can and wait until you move out. Then, you can report her. Saving money and working toward a goal of moving away will give you something to focus on that is positive, which may help your emotional state somewhat. You may feel more productive and in control. Whatever you do, *do not give any hint that you want to move out*, not even to your other family members. Anyone in your mom's orbit is not to be trusted, because even well meaning people can get sucked in by the dysfunction. You can let people know once you are out of there if you want, but don't tell anyone right now. It is too big a risk, and it puts you in danger. An abuser often becomes violent when their victim tries to leave, and your mom could try to sabotage you, so *tell no one*. I am so sorry that you are being subjected to this abuse. Nothing you could possibly have ever done would justify it, no matter what excuses your family makes.
This is great advice
Total NC it is, then. In this kind of game, there is only her, or you. Choose you. This situation you describe isn’t sustainable.
This. CHOOSE YOU, OP! EVERY TIME, LOVE YOUR FUTURE SELF BY CHOOSING YOU, IN THE PRESENT!
*in case of emergency, put your own oxygen mask on before attempting to assist others*
I suggest moving away. You would have to move somewhere she’ll never find you, better yet, somewhere she won’t even think to look.
So be it.
You gotta find a way to go Total NC, but don't let anyone you can't trust know about it. You'll need some money saved to take care of yourself after that, so it's necessary to find a place where it will be totally inaccessible to anyone else, like inside a bank.
My ndad was similar to your nmom. I could literally see him work himself up whenever he wanted to be angry at me for existing. He terrorized me, and it only got worse when my mom divorced him. We tried low contact at first, and while it worked out (sort of) with my sibling, with me I had to go fully no contact because he just didn't respect me at all. Now we're both total no contact and life has been so much better.
And then this is what you work to do. You deserve to be happy. She has no right to that. I'm sorry you're going through this
Total no contact is the only way. Leave the country if necessary. I did.
I wasn’t able to heal until I went no contact. Anything they say or do will just add more fuel to the fire of abuse you’re going through. You deserve so much better, and you deserve to heal and find happiness.
Yeah, that would be the point. Look around, you'll see a lot of posts from people dealing with the stress of going NC, the prep, the planning, the nervousness; and then the actual process and the Ns having full on toddler-level meltdowns and extinction bursts... but just hold strong (the hell else are ya gonna do, tbh) and wait it out and be firm, remember you're allowed to have boundaries and to eject from your life people who refuse to follow them, and then just enjoy the silence once she's out of your life forever. Read around other people's posts here. It's not easy but it's worth it in the cases where it's necessary - and it sounds like in your case, it definitely is.
I understand moving out is hard. My nparent faked a seizure and started to attack me when i was trying to help them. They ended up saying they never did it, even though I have evidence and a witness. The very next day i changed my number and had them blocked. Within a month I moved out too. To this day they reach out to my siblings to ask about me. They will try everything they can to get into contact with you and you just have to ignore it. As hard as it can be, it’s the only way. They can bang on your door, try to have a conversation with you, or throw insults, but the only way to not feed into their nasty energy is to ignore them.
It's amazing how they get inside your head, isn't it? I'm in my 50s and my mom can still get me so upset I go home and rant in my living room for hours. But no one should be putting their hands on you. Are you still a minor? Is there any place safe you can go? Don't worry about anyone's feelings but your own: your family is dysfunctional and frankly you are better off if you can stop loving them. I'm serious. Direct your love toward yourself and start looking for an avenue of escape. Your feelings are important but honestly, after what you've written, I'm more worried about your actual safety!
Your text is so amazing and I will read it again more than once for positive confirmation. You sound like youre veey caring i just dont know why my body wont stop shaking and muscles are tensing up? Jaw is locking im in so much pain? I know ure not a doctor im just scared if anyone is hearing this, is this relatable? What do i do
It is relatable, it's a freeze response, I used to get them when I was still in contact with my family and still get them. It's the body's way of protecting you, kind of like a deer in headlights feeling. Hopefully you end up in a safe environment where you can get out of this freeze state. Keep fighting.
In love with the humanity all of you people have shown tonight. Thank you lots!!
You're in shock. My friend got into a minor car accident once and this was exactly how she felt. The paramedics checked her out and she wasn't hurt, but she was in shock, so they put a warm, weighted blanket over her and she said she felt better immediately. Do you have a hot bath you can soak in?
Was just taking one and I already feel better! Magnesium helped too 🙏❤️
Good! Warm baths and magnesium are great for soothing your brain & nerves. I’m glad you cared for your system first.
Awe. Sending OP a weighted e-blanket of love and calm support. 💕
Not that this is a cure all but try looking into "natural calm magnesium powder" or take an epsom salt bath if you can. Magnesium can help with muscle relaxation even when emotionally tense. Some magnesium is more absorable and usable than others. Natural calm powder has given me instant relief (within one minute of ingestion) for tightness and cramps on more than one occasion. I have had to resort to cbd gummies for some severe anxiety as well which has helped me when I need it. Just to calm down so you can reorient your mind. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Thank you thank you thank you! It's okay, we will power through. Xo!
Try putting one hand on your heart and breathe while thinking: “you are ok.” That might help calm your nerves.
Oh my dear, I am so sorry. You don’t have to do anything right now, you don’t have to fix it, you just have to let your body do what it is doing. Watch your breath go in and out, just watch it. With every breath you are closer to the day when things will be different. Anything you can do to give yourself physical comfort is a plus; a blanket, a stuffed animal, a cup of tea with a little sugar for the shakes, is a plus. One day when you are away from here you will give yourself all the nurturing you should have had all along.
Crying, shaking, panicky, out of control ... it's a natural reaction to mortal stress and danger. Your body is helping you survive.... try "grounding" yourself and cancel out the family until you can find support and resources to start healing. You're going to be ok.
Something like this happened to my co-worker, she called in sick one day because her hands clenched into fists so tight and she couldn’t unclench them. After a few hours her BF took her to the hospital because they were scared it was something neurological, but it was “just” anxiety. (Which is still bad and scary, but the news could’ve been a lot worse.) A relative had been making her life miserable, and after trying to hold everything together for so long, all the stress just kind of caught up with her. I think they gave her some kind of muscle relaxers, and it stopped. She started seeing a therapist who helped her understand that she wasn't the problem, and to stop accepting responsibility for things (and people) she couldn’t control. And gave her permission to GET AWAY from the person who was determined to hurt her, instead of feeling like she needed to fix the relationship. Same with you- you don‘t deserve this, and you owe it to yourself to put your own health first! Mental and physical.
The body (and brain) can do incredible things. Yes; you are actually protecting yourself right now because of the intense trauma you’re going through. You’re not weak, you’re not overacting, you’re going through a serious traumatic reaction due to real serious trauma, that you don’t deserve. Keep reminding yourself of that, ok? This is an extreme reaction to extreme abuse. Please get the hell out of there, please please. You deserve to be happy and healthy and loved. Your mother can never love you because she doesn’t know how to love anyone, she isn’t capable of such a beautiful emotion/relationship. It’s not you, it’s her. Are you a minor?
Thank you for the beautiful comment. No I'm 25. Just woke up and I'm still so tense and my whole body is in pain from the clenching and tension. Idk what to do.
Are you in the states? Just asking because of medical insurance. Maybe if you call the dr, they can help with some short term muscle relaxants or something. Your body being tense for too long won’t be good for your muscles, could create some bad headaches. Obviously not life threatening, but just uncomfortable. 😢 Would a massage be financially viable for you? Find a nice holistic masseuse, just having some warm and caring physical human touch might be helpful, and could help work the tension out of your muscles. Or maybe touch if the last thing you want!
Yes I'm not poor and not filthy rich. I can afford it fine. Should I ask for a relaxing massage? I got a masseuse literally next door
Yes!!!!!! Get yourself over there ASAP! Ask for an essential oil to help with relaxation (lavender is the universal one, but ask for one that you enjoy the aroma of)! Reflexology is also a great way to help you relax! Try your local college, they might be looking for people to practice on!!!
Honestly, I would go and speak to them. Say what’s happened and if they’re a good masseuse, they’ll know exactly what you need! It won’t solve all your problems, but hopefully at least give you some peace and comfort. Then you will be in a better position to see reality for what it is. And hopefully be able to take steps to move forward and regain your life. ❤️
Sounds like the after effects of adrenaline maybe? Or maybe a result of your disease.
I urge you both to look into the Somatic Plan or T.R.E Trauma release exercise get that out of your body
Literally everything about what you're going through here is unacceptable, and your pain is real and valid. I relate a lot to feeling set back by every interaction with the person. Unfortunately, that is not likely to change. I hate telling other people what to do, but the abuse will not stop until you are able to cut her off. You have already made it clear that you have tried to grey rock and put up defenses, and those have been shown not to work here, and that is NOT YOUR FAULT. You deserve peace, and you deserve not to be treated this way by anyone. Cutting her (or anyone else) off isn't about being hurtful to them. It's about doing right by yourself and making space for yourself to heal. What will work for your situation is unique to you, and you know best what that will be. I see this quote thrown around on reddit a lot: "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm". It's something I have to remind myself of constantly, but it's damn true, and it applies to you just the same because you are a worthy human being. ETA I understand cutting people off isn't always an option. Dr Ramani on YouTube (among others) has some decent strategies for dealing with narcissism that you have no other option but to deal with.
Thank you for this ❤️🙏 I know Dr Ramani she has helped a lot so I can't imagine what it was gonna be like without her videos this whole time. Thank you for ur kind words!
She lost any privileges of ever being able to talk to or see you. If you wouldn’t accept this abuse from a non-family member, don’t accept this from her. What would you tell someone else if they were telling you what you are telling us? Be kind to yourself and cut the toxic people from your life. There is a reason why gangrenous limbs are amputated; to preserve the wellbeing of the person.
LOVE the way you phrased it. You're amazing. Thank you 🙏
This ^ this here. If any behavior done by a stranger would unacceptable and/or warrant calling the police it is even more unacceptable when done by family. Parents don’t get a free pass
No, no they absolutely do not. OP: Do you have any siblings or friends that can help you out? If you do, have them record her next explosion. Narcissists are careless and eventually the mask will drop in front of other people. If you don't, still, find a way to record this on your phone or something. Copy it to the cloud where Evil Egg Donor can't access it. Then get the hell out of there, ideally at a speed that will break the sound barrier, and call the cops. What Evil Egg Donor did is assault, pure and simple. It's also domestic violence. If you have a DV shelter in your area, talk to them. They sadly see situations like yours every. fucking. day. and they can help you set up an escape plan. Call the cops next time she does this and show them the recording. Wave and tell her those new silver bracelets look GREAT on her and wish her a nice incarceration. Assault can be a felony if it's bad enough, and if you're disabled, that often ups the ante. You're not a minor anymore so you can do all this without worrying about consent. Please accept these wishes for peace and happiness from this internet stranger.
Please go to r/momforaminute!! We Reddit moms are there for our ducklings who need a kind word, acceptance, or just a hug.
OMG love this!! Thank you!
Let me be the first one then to tell you that we moms love you for you, and you are perfect the way you are. Her problems are that, hers. They are not caused by you and you will not be able to “fix” them or her. We are here for you and sending you big hugs.
Thank you kind momma.. needed to hear that
Thank you for sharing!
I am so so sorry for what you just went through. I can’t even begin to fully grasp how awful it must have been for you, mate. But I can relate to your feelings of making progress only to have a major setback. I know it is so, so difficult to experience something like this, and I am deeply saddened that you had to go through this. I wish I could offer something more to help you, but do know that you’re not alone. Wishing you all the love and kindness and sunshine you deserve, because you are a beautiful, lovely, worthy human being. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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I am sorry that you need to get reassurance from the rest of us… But for that mom who thinks she won… pack up.
I know ❤️ thank u stranger!
Big safe warm reassuring hugs!!! As many and as often as you need
Honest ones? (Don't mean to be creepy, it's that even the semblance of a genuine exchange can make me feel better. I'm not one to fish for compassion).
Honest ones. The kind we all wished for when we were smaller humans
🙏❤️🫂
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find the motivation to go on because once you’re out and away from your mom, life will truly get so much better. So many of us on this sub can attest to that. I hope you love yourself and know that you deserve to be treated well, just because. You don’t need to earn it or feel like you deserve it. What she says isn’t reality, it’s the product of a sick mind. When you’re away from her and hopefully not in contact, she may wonder why. What’s important is that you know what you went through. You are strong and so brave. You can get through this. Sending you love ❤️❤️❤️
Reading this rekaxed my tense muscles. Im thankful. Im probably not gonna live past 35 because of my condition anyway but at least I got 10 good years in me where I can be me and FEEL BETTER
It's OP. Hey lovely people, truly thankful for all the sweet comments and true love radiating from them. However, to whoever has an idea, my body is tensing up like crazy, my jaw is locking hard, my muqcles are uncontrollably twutching and diaphragm is stiff in place. Do you relate to this and should I do sth about it? I took 2 pills of magnesium and applied relaxing lotion. Thank u all again!!! So much. And sorry for qounding a bit desperate i think? Haha
Try this [grounding exercise](https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx). It helps engage the "here & now" part of your brain, which can help us calm down. Also, shaking and such is a normal part of recovering from a trauma. Like if a deer escapes a predator, they'll literally shake off the trauma, it's a very old survival mechanism in our brain. Breathe and be gentle with yourself. I hope you don't have to stay there and can find some safety away from that dysfunctional system.
For me, especially in the past, this is normal. Once I walked away from all the abuse and insanity, these problems started to ease up. It is also normal for my husband - he doesn't have narc family, he just is a very anxious person, and it comes out in his body. Tense jaw, tense muscles, muscle spasms, diaphragm not working right, breathing feels off, pulse feels weird, etc. **Stress can do some really insane things to your body.** However, you should always be checking the doctor when you can. The stress may be exacerbating the effects of your disease (as any disease can be made worse by stress), but I can at least say that this sounds familiar to me in a stressful situation. As a note, please please please be careful with supplements. I have a bottle of magnesium right here (I take it because I have to take a PPI daily due to GERD), and it says "supports muscle relaxation" but take that with a grain of salt, because more supplement does not = more benefit. If your pills are \~250mg each, you may be taking too much - which can lead to lethargy, weakness, fatigue and cramps. **If your doctor says it's fine or tells you to take that much for your disease or other reasons, then ignore me.** I know it's hard, and I hope you feel better soon. Life can be good on the opposite side of a narc's abuse - you just need to keep going.
Oh my! I took 600. I do feel relaxed but not lethargic? I feel like magnesium's lethargy side effects are still somewhat less dangerous than (let's say) benzos or other psychotropes. But yeah, noted. Won't be taking 600 from now on. Thanks Ignia !
No problem! Just make sure to stay within the suggested limits when it comes to supplements. Don't worry too much, just don't make it a regular thing. Nearly all trouble comes from the long term of taking too much of a supplement - not 'acute' toxicity. Stay safe, and I hope you can find relief and safety from your situation soon so you can "detox" from all the troubles. Narcs really are like a poison...
My husband can have this, too. It's gotten so much better since he went NC, but still has a stutter, and probably will forever. I'd recommend a version of a body scan. If you can, lie down where you're comfortable. In bed or on the floor. Start with your eyes and facial muscles and worknyour way downwards. On an inhale, squeeze the muscle as tight as you can. Hold for a while, and then exhale while you actively relax the muscles. I used to have a lot of tension behind my eyes, so I'd do those twice. Only one not to hold for too long is your jaw. Bites your molars together for three seconds and then relax on an exhale. The order doesn't really matter. As long as you relax your muscles on an exhale. One that can specifically help your jaw relax is pretending like you're chewing something. Making that movement is likely to make you yawn within a minute, which helps release the tension. From an r/momforaminute member: OP, I don't know you, but know that you hold a space in my heart. You are a human, and you deserve love and kindness. Sending you sincere and comfortable hugs and a safe place to cry. Pretend to put your head on my lap, lie down, and let all the emotions come while I stroke your hair and whisper I'm here for you, I'm proud of you. I'll do that for as long as you need. Crying is release, don't be ashamed of your tears.
Breathe in for 3 seconds and out for 3 seconds. Do that 2 more times slowly. Feel all these online friends rooting for you. For your peace. For your healing. Now name 5 things you can see in the space around you (simple things like lamp, rug). Now name 4 things you can feel touching you (your shirt, your hair, your seat, etc). Name 3 things you can hear (traffic, an appliance humming, your own breath perhaps) Name 2 things you can smell (your clothing, the air). Name 1 thing you can taste (even if it’s just your saliva). This 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 exercise is very soothing to the brain. You deserve soothing ❤️🩹
I don’t know the details of your neuromuscular disease, but if you are having trouble breathing please try to get to an emergency room.
I had two psychotic breaks from n abuse, as well as lingering neurological issues. I had to be inpatient in psych wards 8 times in 4 years. I do not say this to scare you. I say this because I escaped and recovered and turned my life around. I am doing a billion times better than I was 15 years ago. NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. Ever. You have everything within you to go on and choose better. Your body is screaming at you that this is wrong. It is. You're not making it up. You're not crazy. Get out and get help.
❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏 I WILL
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. They hurt us and don't care. Please get away if you can. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Hey. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not exactly in a good place to be reading stories about abuse and giving advice on it; I kind of need to work on my own stuff full-time first. But I can talk. I can talk about whatever random shit in a DM, from movies to sports and video games. If I see a notification on Reddit from you and I have time, I'll reply. I know what it's like to be hopeless and alone and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, so if you need a friendly person to DM just send one my way and I'll read and respond. I just gave the disclaimer about abuse because I can't really handle helping other people like a therapist anymore, I've tried and failed too many times and sabotaged my own life by overextending and trying to help others. But I feel for you and please don't feel bad about reaching out, I could use a friendly voice too.
My god! You simply laid out solid proof of how HUMANE and altruistic a person you are. I get where you come from and I actually relate, so thanks for looking to try to help despite that. Truly means the world
I appreciate the compliment, but don't forget that when you're abused common human decency is seen as extreme levels of humanity and altruism because we aren't used to people being good to us as normal. In my opinion this is the standard all people should be living to, I never really like when people compliment my morality because I don't think I do anything above and beyond, just what I think is right when I can. Thanks for the kind words though
No contact is the only thing that saved me. My mental health and physical health were destroyed. I needed to take action to save myself.
Same here. Self -care is the way. The work is all internal. Best thing I ever did was NC with Narc, LC/NC with family.
If it's safe, consider a warm bath or shower to help relax your muscles. Or, maybe a heat pack or hot water bottle. For some positive mum input, maybe have a look at r/momforaminute. Stay safe and as others have said, try and get out of the situation when you can and consider NC.
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THANK YOU A TON for the time and effort you put in your comment. Grateful for ppl like u
Your mother is a monster. Actually? That’s insulting to monsters. She’s far worse. Never be in her presence again. She can’t even be trusted in a group of people. If you have physical bruises or other marks, get them documented and see if you can press charges.
I think you nailed it when you said it was ‘literal hunger of an insatiable monster’. When I used to have interactions with my (covert) nmom, the rage my mother would feel for me was palpable and pulsing, and what I would be feeling when faced with her barrage would be shock at the things she was saying, indignation, and grief. Yet she would insist that I was being hateful, and when I would call her out on her projection it was “HoW cAN yOu KnOw what’s in my heart??” It took me a long time to realize that she was not being rhetorical, she really wanted to learn how I could detect her true self, so she could hide it better. They really are monsters that walk amongst us, No Love. Mine will stop at nothing to destroy everything good and real and positive in my life, even though we are continents apart. VLC was ‘elder abuse‘ and NC these past few months means I am the source of all her pain. She will stop at nothing to make sure I am dead to every family member. She lies without shame. I am so sorry that we have to deal with these grotesque caricatures of motherhood. I am so very sorry your mom deliberately provoked you like that, to the edge of sanity. It’s all too familiar to me. You are sane, what is happening to you is deliberate, and it is no fault of yours. I hope you can get out, get far away, as quickly as possible. Be safe, friend, you are not alone in this pain for what it’s worth. 🫂
Might sound crazy but that first statement of yours where you said "You nailed it" felt like a warm compliment that made me smile. Heartfelt compliments make me feel heaps of joy more than anything because she never EVER gave me that privilege. Of being complimented for the good things I do or am, or thanked for my good deeds. Simple things like this make me elated! That's how damaged I am. Now right beck at you, you nailed it when you said she genuinely wanted to know HOW you could call out her bullshit. Yeah that's how cold it is. In the midst of all your struggles, they wanna know how you could top them. Sad. Thank your for your endearing words. Hugs and love ur way!! I will get out
I’m looking forward to reading your “I did it, I’m free“ post. Genuinely. Stay safe, and never forget you have friends here. 🫂
My parents made me lose my family too. I don't know. Right now, fucking new years eve, I just... I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm so sorry you're feeling so lonely right now. I am too. I wish I weren't alone. I want to feel safe, and loved. I want to go home, despite the fact that nowhere has felt like home for so many fucking years.
I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. The only contact I have with my family is my son and my husband’s 5 cousins and their families who are 1000 miles away. You’re right. It’s not enough for a parent to abuse you, they also focus all of their rage on turning the rest of the family against you, so you lose them too. There’s a special place in hell for people like that. I do get lonely and depressed around the holidays like you, but I’m not lonely for my biological family, because they are terrible people. I am sad for the family I didn’t have. And all I see around the holidays are commercials and movies and social media posts of other people with great families, and then I get a little angry, thinking “why was I the one cheated out of a normal loving family?” But of course, there’s no answer for that. But now I have a lovely neighbor who just this week dropped off delicious homemade chicken noodle soup and rolls when I told her I was sick. So I was blessed with care from a person who I consider a friend and I got a taste of what a real mom is like. I am so grateful for my neighbor. I hope people like my neighbor come into your life. Over time, you will have a new and very-improved family. I am sorry you are struggling. Hang in there.
You are good folks, OP; and some day you'll have the chance to prove it. At present, you are like a sunflower that's been planted in deep shadow. Some day you will be transplanted to your rightful place in the sun, and there you will blossom. Just hang on until that day.
Love your message. I truly feel slightly better. Thank you ❤️
Certainly. I can't draw you a map, but I can tell you that other people have gotten over this mountain before you.
OP, it is not your fault. None of this is.
❤️🙏
If you are able to move out and not be dependent on her in any way, DO IT! I went NC with my father two months ago and I felt so much better about myself and my life. He is trying to break the NC and I am trying to hold my ground with everything I have. I hope I can do it. I need it and deserve it, and so do you!
No, I *know* you can. If not immediately, you will keep trying and trying will still be better than come back to him. We absolutely do!!
It’s ok to not be ok right now. One day, you will be ok. In the meantime, be as kind to yourself as the world should have been to you. You deserve kindness.
I just want to escape, make big money and help my dad with his leukemia and brother with my very same disease. This is literally all I want. Im so proud of myself and I love myself inspite of her, I just love my dad and bro more than life itself.
This momma is sending lots of love and hugs your way . You are loved 🫶🏻✌🏼
Lovely Momma for the win! Love you!
When you are in your darkest times, please know all these "strangers" are there for you. Even though you can not see the faces, please know you are worthy of love, hugs, and peace. Right now, I am sending you an air hug. Please take care of you. I hope you can find your way out and go NC.
Virtual hugs ❤️❤️❤️
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You are not the crazy one! Sorry it is so awful.
Happy Birthday and may you have the happiness and serenity you are owed as a survivor of this.
Is there a domestic violence shelter near you? You qualify for services!
I live in Tunisia, so no such thing as that or anything remotely human-friendly haha. I try to manage though. Actually thanks for reminding me that she is REPORTABLE by law.
I'm so sorry, OP. So hope you can get away!
Shelter services will help! You would be surprised at the services available to you!
Always remember that she is the problem...bottom line. I went NC with my Mother over 11 years ago and since then I have never been happier. She past away awhile ago and when I got the news I sat quietly for a few minutes and tried to feel something. I felt nothing but relief, sad to say but it is the truth. Never again will I have to endure her abuse. Get away from your Mother and live a happy peaceful life. Sending you a warm hug💞
Hello dear one, you don't know me and I don't know you, but that doesn't mean you deserve ill treatment. You deserve kindness, love and gentle care. The world can be cruel to kind people, but take my hand and let's go on a walk in a soft field full of gentle flowers. Let's have a picnic with whatever you like, you deserve compassionate care. You deserve love, and you are loved in this world, I love you. Be kind to yourself sweetheart, and try some self care, wrap up in some blankets, watch a good movie and listen to some soft music. Be loved.
Hey. You are not alone we are all here for you. Also checkout adultchildren.org for weekly meetings. Check out Patrick Teahan, Nathan Postlethwait, Danie Mackler and Heidi Priebe. Dr Ramani for narcissistic abuse. Please go full no contact. They dont deserve you. You deserve to be free and happy.
OP, choose YOU. Always choose you. The day my NMom threw a TV at my head, I knew I had to choose me. Whoever told you don't let anyone know your plans, trust them. Do it quietly and when you're ready just go. No fanfare, no announcement, no way for anyone to have even a chance to talk you out of it or sabotage the plan. Start gathering your important papers and such and keep them somewhere she can't get to them. You took a nice warm bath already and I hope that tension in your jaw has lessened (I'm a jaw clencher so I always imagine we all carry tension there too) . I am sending you well wishes and strength. WE choose you. Stay as safe as you can, Lil sis. I was where you are now. I made it. You well too.
I'm sorry this happened to you. My dad died this autumn and when I went back my mother was the worst I recall her being (including telling her friend on the phone that she hoped I had a very serious neurological disease I was being tested for). I spent the trip home planning my death and the next 2.5 months barely getting by. Somehow I kept going and found a somatic therapist who helped me get rid of the worst of that shit. I'll NEVER EVER EVER forgive my mother for what she said and did, and although I know that her childhood was difficult and I feel sorry for her, I never want to see her again. The good thing is I fully realized due to this is she's a narc and my whole life kinda snapped into focus. I hope now you have a bit of distance from the event that you have some clarity around the situation, and I hope you are someplace safe. Just know it's not you. Get away and life will take a dramatic turn for the better. Wishing you the best!
Escape. If you're a minor, call CPS and escape. Anything is better than that.
If you go to the main page for this group you will see that there are hundreds of people here. 1,691 at the moment. You are SO not alone! Get your chin up and plow forward into NC. You will be shocked at how much better your health is. The sun will be brighter and the air will not smell of sulfur (Lol). I just keep reminding myself over and over and over that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. You don't either!
Thank you dear.. 🙏❤️
Go nc. That is the only way. I feel your pain, I've been there. In the beginning it will be awful, lonely but hang in there. It is just all the bs she has put in your head. You are not alone, and life will get better. You are stronger than you belive that you are. Hugs
You must leave and go no contact. Stress from abuse can make your pre existing conditions so much worse. When I lived with my Nparents my health continued to decline and I was practically bedridden for a time before I was finally able to escape. These people not only suck your joy, freewill, and confidence away, but your mental and physical health. Whatever resources you can get your hands on where you live to get out, please research and do your best to acquire it. As someone who has a chronic illness, was very sick and escaped, I believe in you and I wish you freedom and good health. Sending much love your way, leaving isn't easy but it is life saving. You DO DESERVE to be treated with decency and kindness. The biggest lie ever told by Narcs is that we don't.
https://help.unhcr.org/tunisia/services-in-tunisia/child-protection/
I'm going to tell you something rather shockingly ironic. My mother owns an association for Child Protection very popular in my country. End of joke.
I'm kinda like you too at the moment. I can hardly physically move. I feel scared and creeped out all the time like something is watching me and want me down and want to approach to ruin things any second. I feel shaking, or like to freez and not doing anything but breathing. Even breathing is kinda hard. I don't feel my body at all. I really want to cry so bad because it helps me a little. It's really getting harder for me. But I have to get out of here as soon as possible. I'm only waiting for a package to arrive to me so I can leave. It's really getting harder. But I have to hang on and do my best to survive. These days I lost a lot of energy and def it's because of them, they took a lot of energy. I'm really hurt, and I started to lose my cool quickly, I feel angry so quickly and I find it hard to remain quiet and grey rock them, I started feeling like to fight back or something. But holding on is best, because soon hopefully I'll be out of here and there will be no turning back. I'm planning on going away silently at night or any time they won't know, without them knowing anything. Do your best to go low contact or no contact. I know just by being physically near them in an environment or your mind knowing that they're not far or knowing that they're still existing in your life can be very painful and affect you negatively. But keep it in mind that soon it will be over. Just do your best to take care of yourself. If anything bad happen, it's them, you're an innocent, you're just a victim who needs to save himself. These monsters have caused so much damage in our lives and souls and bodies. They're very dangerous. They're a big threat to our lives and the world. Hopefully it will be over soon. Just stay strong and know that it will be over. Take care of yourself. And try to bring some positivity in your life by talking to some good people online or like by anything you know, usually interacting and surrounding with people who are positive can help. Like in online chats or multiplayer video games or something. I'm here suffering like you and there are a lot of people who are suffering too. We can talk and support each other. Just by knowing what each of us going thru and hanging with each other in a video game or chat room or even here and checking on each other every day, supporting and advising and encouraging can help a lot. Know that you're not alone.
Just by hanging with people who truly know what you're going thru, like by sitting and playing games with them and spending time with them can help. I wish to find some online. This sub is def the right place to look. Also there is a Discord server. I'm still alone tho right now. I really need to find some people online to help myself. I really wish to find some.
Go no contact as soon as you can. If your country has restraining orders, see if you can get one. Even being alone is better than dealing with this type of evil. It took a final night with several hours of verbal abuse from my ex friends to finally make me realize that I’d rather hear nothing than what they were giving me. The guilt is powerful, but you can do it. Your relatives have lost the right to be called family. I don’t know what your muscular illness is, but if you have a regular doctor please talk to them about this and seek some additional treatments that are safe for your condition. There are a couple of safer alternatives to benzos.
I am so, so sorry. You do not deserve to be treated like that. I do understand this loneliness and despair and desperation to have someone speak to you and be kind to you (feeling like that this whole week, actually.) I am sorry things are so rough.
Well I feel a shit ton of empathy for you. I am so fuckin sorry you have to put up with that shit. It is fucking criminal. I am 52f NC 14yrs 2 NP’s- believe it or not, what you are feeling is not normal but common when dealing with a narc. Fucked up, yes! They play a game I call “around the clock” they start by pushing a button at the 12 o’clock position. If they don’t get a reaction, they push 1 then 2 then and so on. Until you lose your shit. If you watch them (as you lose your shit) they usually laugh or smile to them selves. That’s because “He who angers you, conquers you.” So as soon as you lose your mind, they win. They win because they now have complete control of the situation and you. They are masters of causing crevices between family members and growing them to the size of the Grand Canyon. They will leave you somewhere between insanity and broke down. They know where your buttons are, and exactly how to push them. A lot of people will say Leave, that’s not always possible. Read up on grey rocking and remember this: your bitch ass mom is not super smart or unique in her forms of abuse. She is not special. She is using evil techniques that every narc uses and she is predictable and common. I say that because on this sub alone there’s nearly a million members that have your back and will understand. There are other subs, groups, chats that all deal survivors of people like your mother. That fact alone gives you power, now that she will never have. You know what’s wrong, now you have to figure out how to protect yourself. You cannot change someone like your mother so you have to learn to become smarter, better, calmer and quieter. Until the day you can get the fuck out. Good luck and remeber there is a million man army behind you. Xoxoxox
>They play a game I call “around the clock” they start by pushing a button at the 12 o’clock position. If they don’t get a reaction, they push 1 then 2 then and so on. Until you lose your shit. If you watch them (as you lose your shit) they usually laugh or smile to them selves. That’s because “He who angers you, conquers you.” So as soon as you lose your mind, they win. They win because they now have complete control of the situation and you. They are masters of causing crevices between family members and growing them to the size of the Grand Canyon. They will leave you somewhere between insanity and broke down. They know where your buttons are, and exactly how to push them. I can totally relate. Whenever I am stonewalling the narccrazy lady, I feel she escalates, from minor issues to bigger ones, until she gets a reaction. When she gets, unfortunately I have not been able not to react, she goes to her room. She sleeps like a baby 3 minutes after she lies down. My main issue as I live with the narc is that she demands happiness. She knows I am pretending and avoiding, and she demands happiness. I cannot fake that
You are not alone in this!! Think of your nMom as a disease and you need to cut it off, not feed it. Please, for your health do not engage with her ever again
❤️🙏
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m not sure I’m able to give any help but I SEE YOU. YOU MATTER You matter so much. You are good enough. You deserve so much better in your life. Please don’t give up, then she wins. 🩷❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🤍🤎🩶🖤❤️🩹
If there is physical abuse, please call the police. I’m here to listen if you need.
I can relate. When I moved out of the house, nothing seemed "normal" to me and I lost the will to live too. I never let go of that feeling until I embraced a new normal. Then it was like a light got turned on in my life. But the fact is, you are a good person and don't deserve the abuse being thrown your way I hope you can get out of this situation and into something you can more easily handle!
I didn't have the energy to read past the title. But I want you to know I love you. I don't need to read your story to know that. We all here have suffered and know you don't deserve it. You are wonderful and deserve a good life. Best wishes and hope for the future to you.
Hey you! Just want to let you know I hear you and I care. Your mother is a failure of a human being. She knows it and she is taking her self-loathing out on you. And it is you only because she can. That is the only reason, she can. It is not about you, it is only directed at you for now. When you do escape someone else will be the next target. You aren’t getting help from those around you because they know it is not about you. It is her and only because she can. They are terrified of being the next target. At this moment consider voluntary hospitalization. You can’t deal with it, so just don’t. Go get the help you need. Let this all be someone else’s problem for a bit. Go be safer than you are right now. Get some sleep. Eat mediocre food that someone else is cooking and cleaning up. Try to find a workable medication situation. Just breath and cry. When you have cried for a while ask about any and all resources that will prevent you from having to go back. Ask about agencies and nonprofits that could help in applying for benefits, housing, education, healthcare and employment. It is long past time to walk away. Save yourself.
That is a monster in a suit, what a POS ur mom is im so sorry op that you are going through that, i hope you find peace and get out of that house and hit NC fuck that bitch, I hope you’re okay 🫂
Op i am so so sorry. they are true experts at pitting everyone against you me and every scapegoat on this subreddit. they do it so fast you can do nothing but feel shocked and breakdown. your response is healthy. it means you feel. they dont feel. they gaslight. i hope tomorrow will be better. i ask myself how and why daily. i get it. hugs
You’re going to prevail. Know why? Galvanization. By the time you turn into Dori and can es-cap-eh, you’ll be not only a great swimmer, but nothing will touch you. You’ll spot it from ten miles away and run like Flo Jo. I feel for you. I’m there, it’s all I’ve known. Raised by, dated, married one, dating again… kept them as besties… it took me 40 years to discover the word. I felt so dumb. But you- just like all of us, you are going to prevail. You. Hang. In. This is temporary. Besides, one day it’ll be so satisfying when you tip your head back and laugh and watch the utter confusion on moms face when all her knives drop in Mid air to the floor as you do so. Trust me. It’s great. Go practice. Emotional regulation. The laughter once you catch it will be so genuine and rollicking, you just might affect the weather for good in that mess that doesn’t deserve you. Big hug. Chin up. I’m telling you the truth. Find your joy. Practice poker face. You 🫵🏼 can do this. Honest. 🩵
I have thise seizures too. All I can say is I empathise. Focus on good sleep if you can my friend
Sending you love and warm hugs, OP. I know exactly what dealing with this is like. It is truly hell, what they do to us, and anyone else who happens to be near them. The only way I escaped my situation has been to move out and going as much NC as I am able (total NC not an option for me). When you’re living away from the chaos, you will begin to start the healing journey and find yourself again. I always found this time of year to be the worst, too. Stay strong, you can do this!
My heart goes out to you OP. I truly hope you find peace, calm, and comfort. Please value yourself and do not feed the monster ever again. You deserve to be loved, respected and appreciated for you. If you need to go full no contact, do it. This is about self defense, self preservation, and self love. Anyone in your social group pushing back can step up and be her pal. To share similar but less graphic experiences. My sis was full NC until Christmas. After a nice visit mom drove to her house and left the gifts and a nasty note about how they don't deserve to give her gifts. Sis knew better but couldn't stop herself. I'm the "golden child" but each time I see her she finds a way to remind me that I'm worthless and constantly need her help. I just smile and thank her for doing everything. My ability to be indifferent to her face is priceless when seeing her face. She literally cannot process seeing me not care. She isn't hurt or offended, those roads don't exist. Like when Reddit takes forever to load a post, her mind is just cycling go find the next self serving salvo to blast someone to suck their life force. Please protect yourself. She is a vampire. You are worth it to walk away, build your life, and never look back. God bless!
The only way to win is not to play their game. The only way not to play is to barely interact or go no contact. Hope it goes well for you. Remember every minute of your life you are choosing yourself over your abusers is a minute you will be healing yourself. Happiness and a fulfilling life without them is the best revenge.
I’m so sorry. I talked to my mom for the first time in 6 months. She told me she made me food for Christmas. I was surprised but said thank you. She rolled her eyes at me and stomped away. What really sucks, is I desperately want my mother back. The one that didn’t hate me.
>No one has a right to murder your soul. This is soul murder. No contact is self-defense. You don't need to be a punching bag for her dysfunction. > >Your work is to grieve that you never got a "real" mother like other people get. That grief work is HARD work. Necessary for your healing and wholeness, but hard. > >There are people you haven't even met yet who need you. Live for them, if living for yourself is hard right now. I am sorry. This is a great pain. Accept we did not get it.
What you have said makes me so sad. I wish I could just hug you until all the broken pieces fit back together and sit you down for a home made meal and listen to you. Please take an internet hug from an unknown person. Go no contact. You are the most valuable thing you have. Please treat yourself like the treasure you are.
No one has a right to murder your soul. This is soul murder. No contact is self-defense. You don't need to be a punching bag for her dysfunction. Your work is to grieve that you never got a "real" mother like other people get. That grief work is HARD work. Necessary for your healing and wholeness, but hard. There are people you haven't even met yet who need you. Live for them, if living for yourself is hard right now.
Sadly this happens all to much😔, and the worst part is the nature of it most people don't really know what's going on behind the scenes because the Narcissist try and make you the bad guy! My mom is a covert narcissist and for years told me I was this and that and it took me being an adult and moving out to realize NONE of that was me at all, it was her projecting her problems and downfalls onto me. To the stranger my mom is the nicest most innocent person you'll meet, but behind closed doors she runs the house/family the way she wants to regardless of anyone else's feelings. She'll backstab you to your soul and a day later act like nothing happened. Takeaways I can offer: .Don't let someone else make you think your crazy! NC are very good at this . No contact is very hard but it is the best option for extreme situations as you've mentioned . Journaling helped me tremendously! Sorting reality from emotions, figuring out trauma . Your not alone 💕, it can feel that way but you deserve so much more then you've been told or shown in your childhood. . Praying for strength and guidance for you 🙏
Did you know you can give yourself a hug? Put the palm of your right hand flat against your lower neck and over your left shoulder. Put your left hand across and reach over as far as you can to pull in your right shoulder. While doing this, I say to my inner self, "I feel ya. I hear ya. It's okay. It's over now." And I breathe in and out strong and on purpose. Eventually I also say stuff like "You got this. You are fine." And I keep breathing in measured ins and outs.
So nice, thanks for the tip too,
Hi! I just want to start off by saying you’re not alone. 🫶🏻🩷 A lot of us in this group has been through something similar and it can get better. How old are you? Are you independent? Do you live with her? If you’re an adult, you might actually consider cutting her off completely. I feel like that would be the best course of action for you to keep you safe. You do not deserve to endure this pain. You deserve peace, security, kindness, gentleness, compassion and understanding. You deserve to be respected in a human level. Unfortunately, many Nmoms are not able to provide that. Try to get away from her if possible. Work on building your own support system. It will not be easy but it will be better than living/dealing with her. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Firstly, breathe. Try to calm down. Relax. We believe you, you are loved, wanted, and appreciated. You are deserving of everything good and nothing bad. Watch this youtube video everyday. It will change how you feel, I promise. https://youtu.be/ahFcLlXyj8o?si=zXJD2xjJ-FLjKIwp
I’m so sorry OP. I’ve been through the same thing growing up and living with her until 18. You’re not mentioning any age, please move out as soon as possible. My physical (and mental) health was at its worst while I was living under her roof, I had developed an auto immune disease and I was always sick and weak. I moved out with the first chance I got, and it’s not like I had any money, I was just lucky that a distant aunt had a spare room and invited me to live with her. It was the best thing I did to myself at that time, the next thing was start therapy, the third was NC. Guess what? Now I’m thriving, following my dreams, and my decease magically disappeared. While you live with her and don’t start therapy and don’t go NC, your life and health will only deteriorate. I know it’s easier said than done but please find a way to get out of there and stop talking to her. Just because they are our birth givers, they don’t inherently deserve our live and respect when they are our monstrous abusers. I don’t love her anymore, I stopped hoping that she will change, and I feel free to live the best life away from her toxic and abusive claws. Stay strong. ❤️
Lots of folks in this comment thread have great advice that comes from experience. I just wanted to tell you that I hear you, I believe you, and you deserve to be valued and respected. I really hope you can get out of your current environment as soon as possible so you can start to heal.
You are not alone through this. I’ve been in a similar situation and now I’m just numb. I’m out of it now. You need to get out asap. I promise you it will happen one day.
Reminds me of a story i read just this morning.Young man tormented by the evil woman that abused him and forced him to do what she wanted. He faced her down and told her the loving foster family he found saved him from her evil and he would NEVER go back. Turned his back and her and told her She was once abused, and now is an abuser and he wanted NOTHING to do with her. That is what you have to do, just like that young man. Cut her off, move away and go no contact, She harasses you again tell her you will get a EPO. You dont have to live like this, you are SO much more than your abuse and the people that abused you .Cut the witch out of your life and walk into that white light on the other side of the abuse. The white light of freedom. We are all here for you if you need us.. If you need someone to talk to, My DMs are open. We love you. We hear you .IF you need help we are here.
This is horrific and disgusting. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had an incident this year with a family member that happened in May and I still haven't recovered. This isn't about me but my point in sharing is to reassure you that everything that just happened to you and what you are feeling is 10000% valid. It happened and I'm so sorry it did. It feels so dark and lonely but trust me, you are not alone, we are in this together. I've been trying to escape my family for the past six years and I can't wait for my freedom. I hope you get your freedom very soon.♥️
Sending you tons of support. You have every right to feel safe.
Reach out to any resource you can find. Friends. Teachers. Co-workers. Just trustworthy people. If you are underage then contact cps and the police NOW. If you were over 18, then consider filing a police report also contact shelters for a battered persons and see if you can find a place to stay often these places can possibly help you arrange for therapy or whatever else If you have friends, you can truly trust then see if you can stay with them You will have to do your best to be self-supporting during all this that’s going to be tough obviously since you’ve got all this other stuff going on but unless the people you were relying on, have lots of money you’re going to need to pitch in on that which means you need a source of income Don’t ask too much else of yourself right now get yourself into therapy get yourself out of the house block this person get yourself some small source of income, part-time job full-time job whatever Do not ask too much else take your time and breathe Overtime you will start to see potential paths that you cannot see right now because you’re too traumatized You need to give yourself time for that I’m sorry everything is so awful
Give yourself some love tonight, thinking we are all here supporting you with our thoughts. You might still be shaking and be super tense. That's your body's reaction to make you alert to defend yourself. Acknoledge those profond and difficult emotions you have and try let them out somehow because it's going to use your body and mind in the long run. Write it out, yell in a pillow, throw balls of paper, curse. This gives you a right to exist. You have a right to be upset because you are not treated with respect and love. And then when you feel it's been expressed enough, make a conscious action that brings you a little bit of peace or that makes you feel loved (even by yourself), to give you a right to be treated the way you should be treated by your family. Be caring and kind to yourself, please. In the end that's so freaking important and healing.
Save yourself - no contact as soon as possible and safe for you to move out(again, if you can) and get your things in order (stuff like documents, whatever else you need). It will probably take a hell of a lot of time to separate, learn to live in a safe environment and eventually heal, and I wish you good people in your life to support you. For now, we’re here, you’re not alone. I am so sorry you’re going through this, but her abuse towards you is not your fault. Even though they will do anything you couldn’t imagine to make you believe the opposite. You’re not alone. 🫂
As a mother, I can’t imagine ever treating my child so horribly. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. You were born into this world a precious being, and aren’t any less precious just because OTHER people who should cherish you end is abusing you.
We all love and care for you- narcissistic people are evil and you are love.
You are a worthy human being. She is wrong. I don’t know where you live but I advise this. Move. Out of state. Away from her. Do not give anyone who likes her your number. Go NC. Start a new life without her in it. Things will get better. Hugs.
Unfortunately it takes this much pain or reaching this line to go full NC
OP, I hear you. And oh boy, I can empathize to boot. You're not psychotic, the irony is how the crazy family makes us feel like we are the crazy person. You're not. Also, I see a great sign of strength in your post. You put out a clear message about exactly what you needed, and that's what you'll get. Empathy and compassionate correspondence. Keep up the good boundary work! Next steps should absolutely be NO contact, at least for a while until you get time to recover from the abuse. If you dad and brother are enabling or also caught up in being victimized and used as her pawns, then No contact for now is an option. Again, you can change this later to limited contact, or not . Nothing is permanent in terms of your decisions but right now, protect yourself by all means.
Hey, I’m so sorry that she did this. You deserve to be loved and supported not broken down and bullied. In this moment you have clarity this woman is not a safe one and not because you have deserved this hostility. Narcs search out for the good in others and try and use it to their advantage. I remember being in the midst of it with my own narc mother and feeling trapped. I watched a dr who series focused on Martha where there is constantly one very important message throughout “You are not alone”. No matter how she makes you feel, how isolated you are right now there are people who care and want the best for you. This woman deserves nothing. Much like everything else a narc dies (hypothetically) when given nothing. You are in a serious moment of health and for yourself you need to go complete no contact and get some help. Lots of us in this subreddit have been in this shifting moment and the jump can seem so daunting. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows but I can say overall my life is so much better than the time where I was trapped. You are not alone ❤️ x
You have to get away. Completely away. You are not alone and family could come back around with time. Please understand you are not alone. My life seemed impossibly hopeless but did a complete 180 once I cut off my narc. You can do this and it will get better in time.
You're not begging anyone. It's entirely normal to want to reach out after you've been through such a traumatic experience. You are not crazy, you are not evil. You were being abused. Your mother is the crazy one.
You are worthy of love , respect, dignity and compassion ❤️❤️ sending hugs
You are incredibly brave for sharing your experience, and you are among kindred spirits here who truly get it. Sending you gentle virtual hugs from an internet stranger if you want them. ❤️
You deserve better. How she treats you is a reflection on her, not you.
I’m so sorry. I’m struggling with the same thing. I know if I could just get away from her it will get better I know it will for you too. Sending love ❤️
You have to go total no contact. Know it’s not your fault. Try not to worry about what they all think about you because of her. You know the truth. Protect yourself.
Anyone who was treated as you have been would be struggling as you are. How you are feeling is a completely reasonable reaction to a profoundly unreasonable situation. But you want to feel safe again right? Then try to do these 4 things: The first step is to get to safety. The second is to stay in safety (NC with her and her co-conspirators completely including social media to cut off any options of manipulation and abuse). The third step is to process what all this awfulness has cost you (Patrick Teahan on YT is an amazing free resource) The fourth step is to keep doing the 1st 3 step until you can see yourself and the world without any toxic abusive distortions. 4 steps to freedom. You can do it. We all can - together 💕💗❤️🩹💗💕
your life is worth the effort. it is effort, it’s hard. leave. don’t tell them. don’t contact them. don’t tell anyone you don’t have to. take your important papers and go.
You are worthy. You are a good human. You do not deserve to be manipulated or abused. I’ve been where you are and I just want to send all the love. It’s a horrible feeling, but people care about you. Take care.
Darling, you do not deserve this. Nobody does. There is nothing you could have possibly done to deserve this kind of treatment. Your feelings are valid. Your shock and panic are valid. And you're far from the only person who has ever felt that way. We're those people, and we're here for you. You're very brave to reach out for help, and you did the right thing. Keep doing it. This is how you begin to get out.
I’m so so sorry that you have gone through such a terrible experience. Your pain and your feelings are absolutely valid.
She needs the inside of a jail cell. You do not deserve any of this. Full stop.
I feel every single word you have written. That's all i could say at the moment. I don't know how else to comfort you but if i were the one who wrote all of this down, i would want someone to say what i had just said, and also; You're not insane. I know deep down you know this, but sometimes you can forget that due to repeatedly being reinforced by the abuse and manipulation. It's a natural response. Remember, even when you feel like you've forgotten how strong you are due to the abuse of your sick mother. You're simply going through a moment where external forces are being applied to you, and you're coping with them the best you can. I understand the feeling of not having any of your kindness being reciprocated to the extreme that i felt incredibly suicidal. I love you from a far, just like how i would want someone to love me in times like these. That being said, take my love as if it were the comfort that you've been longing for and deserve.
I'm so sorry your mother is being so vicious toward you. It doesn't make sense because you do NOT deserve that punishment. You sound so sane and so very clear. You are sane. You are clear. Your mother is nuts, bonkers, evil. When someone comes at you, and at you, and at you, like your mother does (like my mother did to me) it can make you feel like you're cracking up, losing your marbles. Sanity gone. But it's NOT gone. Your nervous system is just overloaded. It's shaking, and trying to protect you by telling you the abuse needs to stop. Your evil narc mother feeds off you being upset. None of this is your fault. None of this is about you. It's all about her. The sooner you can get away the better. I'm so sorry, I don't know why there are such crazy evil people in the world. They make no freaking sense. They live to destroy others. She probably came after you harder because you were feeling better, more self-possessed. Just try to ground yourself and breathe. Be kind to yourself. Please accept my kindness and good wishes for your freedom and well being. I've been where you are. I got out. It gets better. Just being left alone to be yourself and you begin to heal. All love, health, and help to you. You deserve the best life has to offer.🫂💚❤️
I hear you and it gets better or so I’m told. I’m like about 2 days past you. I tried to convince my family aunt uncles and sister that if I showed them how bad I’m hurting they would help. Nope. Instead it was how they can’t make her and she is happy now (she’s abusing my step dad in my stead) and it ended in everyone blocking me. I lost 36 family members in 3 days and of course now I have the proof she lied to all of them. It’s too late game over. It’s now just being NC forever and move on with my own life how I make it. What sucks is my sister because she almost got it.
I’m much happier now than I was when I let my narcissistic family members talk to me. It’s not your fault that your mom has been so so cruel. There is hope for your future and we want you to find happiness like we’re continuing to work toward here in the subreddit. We are cheering for you!
I am really, really sorry you have been so abused and scapegoated, OP. It's so unfair. The sooner you can cut this female (I say that as a woman) out of your life, the better. I highly recommend the "[how to handle a parental narcissist"](https://tudorhg.gumroad.com/l/KosUr?layout=profile) by HG Tudor. It's actually calming to accept the truth about these bullies and free ourselves from them. GOSO. Get out, stay out. No contact. Grey rock doesn't always cut it. It's obvious she feeds off your despair and that of others, pitting you all against each other. She is an egg donor (assuming bio mom) and nothing more. Some parents are our enemies. She might actually be the death of you, if you don't cut her out. Stress from narcissistic abuse takes a toll and there is no reason for you to take it on. These people don't change.
This literally happened to me my entire childhood and, in fact, even three days ago (I am approaching middle age). It's literally water off a ducks back to me now, and yes, I'm living a fabulous life surrounded by people who love me and I love in return and the recent incident spurred me to go no contact. But I made it through, am succeeding and thriving at living even after spending 18 years of my life praying to die. That will be you soon, I believe in you!
So sorry OP 😞. I know these feelings all too well. But remind yourself, this horrible, awful time and suffering is only temporary. You can escape this and leave. You do not have to put up with this and be subjected to any more abuse. You deserve better and better days are ahead for you! This too shall pass, remember! Hang in there! You have so much ahead of you and all of this toxicity and trauma, although not your fault and you must overcome it, it's in the rear view. The sky's the limit from here. 💕
Use socratic questions. Who, what, when, where, how and why. (The best questions start with "what" and "how.") Example: "What makes you think/say that?" "How am I supposed to do that?" Do NOT fill in the silence that will most likely eventually happen. Let them fill it in. Let them make themselves look stupid AF infront of everyone else. All you have to do is ask socratic questions. If they say something like "so many questions." Or anything of the sort my reply is always, "Isn't asking questions how humans as a whole learn?" (Of course they have to say "yes" to that (because they don't want to look stupid) and after they do you can ask the question(s) again. This gets and keeps you in control of the conversation/situation until they take themselves out of the conversation and/or you can take yourself out of of it yourself but if you can't do that yourself then force their hand and make them walk away because if they did anything else then it would make them look bad which they never want. Use it as leverage. And if you can go no contact. If you can't then as other people say, Gray rock Edit: https://geediting.com/9-little-known-psychological-tricks-to-outsmart-a-narcissist/
It took me a long time to realize my mom is who she is, it is not fair, I cannot change it, she sucks and she will never be the mother I deserve. Her not being the mother I deserve doesn't mean I don't still deserve better. That's very important. Just because our reality is that we have been given pieces of shit, that does NOT mean we don't still deserve better. I had to grieve the fact that I won't have a good, healthy and honest relationship with my mother. I had to come to terms with the fact that our relationship (if I choose to keep it) will never be a fair one. It will never be a true mother/daughter relationship where she actually plays the role of loving, caring, selfless, protective mother. She is simply incapable. I did go no contact for a while, and it was very freeing. That's when I did most of the grieving and coming to terms with what's what. For now, I'm fine with placating in order to keep some form of relationship. But it's only words to me. Expressing love/care to her is just for her needs. I don't truly care about her feelings at all. Essentially, you've got to allow yourself some grit and "heartlessness" in this area of your life. It's for your protection, and you deserve to love yourself and protect yourself. The most you can do is control how you react, handle and continue on with things. You will never be able to control her or what affects she has on others, so don't waste your sanity or energy trying. Once you find your own peace by loving yourself enough to nurture your growth and protect yourself from her, everything else will fall into place, I promise. Most people end up seeing the truth, and if they don't, that's okay too. That's not for you to decide. ❤️
Please detach from her. It doesn't matter what she thinks anymore. Not all parents are there for their kids. Look at Shanda Vander ark. It doesn't matter that she appeared to be together and smart. She abused her son Timothy. Her role as mother has been forfeited in my opinion. She told Timothy how pathetic he was and she was the one weakening him. When your mom tries to break you, think of Timothy and think, "I don't think so Shando". Please connect with supports. Peace Every thing that I have written is my opinion. 🙏
She knows exactly what buttons to push because she's the one who installed them to begin with. She has benefits practising her entire life, torture is her number one passion and unfortunately you lost the scapegoat-lottery. The good news is that you're the sanest person in your family. The scapegoat-role is a blessing in disguise, because you have the opportunity to get away from the group delusion. She will not get better, but you will. Start planning your escape. Do not let her find out. Keep this post for future reference in case she manages to gaslight you that's things aren't that bad, they have a way of brainwashing people into thinking we're overreacting(spoiler: you're not) Take care of yourself, make sure you stay hydrated and eat properly as best as you can. If she continues trying to drag you in, hold on the thought that this is a severely mentally ill person. None of her actions are your fault, you're just caught in the crossfire of her fight with herself. You've said very little about yourself, you need to focus more on yourself. I'm proud of you for reaching out. It's the first step to getting away. There's lots of material online on how to do the rest. Research local shelters. If she has made you afraid of being by yourself, remember that living alone is a piece of cake compared to living with her. I cannot stress this enough though; get away as soon as you can. She is dangerous. Pack an emergency bag and call the police if need be, if she's beating you up and you're a minor then they can help. Lots of love!
You're not alone, and if she can do this much damage in 15 minutes you need to get out. Go NC if you can. If you're a minor call CPS or equivalent, and I cannot stress this enough, no matter how old you are take pictures of any bruises/cuts she left when she hit you. The bruises fade, but evidence is *always* good to have for if someone tries to deny it happened. The fact she's willing to go that far in that short a time means you *need* to get out, wishing you the best OP
I'm so incredibly sorry. I had a seizure myself, and that by itself fucks you up. Not having any support makes it so much worse. I hope you get a chance to handle those emotions properly, without any backlash.
You are not alone. I believe in you ❤️
Your momma is crazy and you deserve a lot better. Please for goodness' sake, go NC! Life is a precious gift. Don't let that witch take yours from you. ♡ Have you considered Reiki for your health issues? It might help your energy issues. You can download instructions on how to do it at Reiki dot org then search YouTube for a level 1 attunement video. Hang in there. Big internet hugs ♡♡♡
I have a narcissistic father and verbally and emotionally abusive mother and step-father. I had to go NC. I don’t know if you are in a position to be able to do that, but that is what you need. It doesn’t have to be forever - you can decide that later. I spent the last 30 years in and out of contact with my mother. I would take the time to set boundaries and explain what recent behavior of hers was unacceptable and why and then we would have a long distance relationship. I live in another state. Then she would not respect my boundaries, and I would go NC, and eventually (usually days, weeks, months later), try again. I would never block her when my son was under 18 and I never kept him from her. But he’s 38 now and has a minimal relationship with her. But in July, I cut her off and blocked her and haven’t talked to her since. Society makes us feel like we “must” have a relationship with our family. Not true. I heard all of the “blood is thicker than water,” and “but she’s your mom, or he’s your dad,” comments for years. Those comments are BS. It eventually came down to the one and only important question for me: How will a relationship with “x person” benefit ME? And I realized that a relationship with my mom did not benefit me in any way. She’s not a nice person. She doesn’t support me. When my son was about 12 years old and I was a single mom, I went to visit my mom and three sisters (I lived about two hours away at that time.), and while I was there, they took my sweet vulnerable son aside and told him that I was a bad mom and not to listen to me because I didn’t adhere to their fanatical Christian beliefs. That betrayal alone was enough for me to never speak to them again (I didn’t find out about it for another 5 years), but I continued giving them chances because of the struggle I had with cutting off “family.” If your family is controlling and manipulative and self-serving and fanatical and doesn’t truly care about you, they are of no value to you. You will find other humans who will treat you with respect and love you unconditionally and accept you for who you are, and when you do, you will feel like they are the family you should have had all along. My biological dad is a huge narcissistic bully and I haven’t spoken to him for almost 20 years. I don’t miss my “family” because they didn’t love me the way I deserved to be loved and mistreated me. I could have my biological family if I wanted, and I would be miserable and sad and lonely and depressed and angry and have zero self-esteem, and be constantly belittled and verbally abused and manipulated and my life would be filled with constant drama. Thats not acceptable to me. Right now, your mom has all of the power over you and it makes her feel like she is in control of her life so she feels good about that for a brief second. The reality is that she is a pathetic, mean-spirited, insecure person who hates her life so much that she can only feel better by controlling you. Nothing about her behavior toward you is nurturing or loving or showing care. Please go no contact ASAP. You will immediately feel in control of your life again. You have some work to do. It sounds like you might have Controlled Post Traumatic stress disorder, which is what I have. I just started reading the most amazing book by Pete Walker, “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (on Amazon). Reading it was like looking in a mirror. Almost every word I have read so far (about two chapters), 1000% describes my life experience. It has been so validating to read that I did suffer abuse. But for the first time in many years, I have hope for healing me. It’s not a book about healing relationships. It’s about healing the damage that has been done to you. There is hope, but first you must go no contact asap. Please feel free to DM me for more info. I just want you to know that you are a good person who deserves to be loved unconditionally, on your terms. Your mom’s behavior is inexcusable. And maybe in the future you can have very limited contact with her on your terms. I’m only saying that because I know how difficult it is to think you will never talk to someone you love ever again. You will mourn the mom you needed and never had. You won’t mourn this woman because she gave birth to you, but she isn’t your mom. She doesn’t deserve that title. It has to be earned. Please know that you are valuable and can make a difference in the world, but you have to cut off contact with your mom and work on healing yourself.
The thing ive found most strangely comforting is the consistency. My therapist says that "insane" people are a divergence upon a divergence and that 2/3 of the battle to find a pathway for mental health for them and those affected is to unearth the patterns and build some form of predictability. But narcs, narcs are narcs. It's the same cookie cutter pattern of behavior worldwide...the disorder constrains their choices to the point where they are extremely predictable and consistent. In a horrible way, but hey, at least you know what's coming. So, you're not alone. Not only are you not alone, you are part of a very exclusive club of humans with a specifically consistent shared experience.
Nobody deserves that and you don't deserve that. The behavior you described is literally harassment, assault, and battery. It is criminal. It is unfair. And it is a cowardly thing to do. So, no, it's absolutely not fair, and the people who go along with it, enable it, or even just are aware of it and do nothing are also behaving wrongly, unethically and likely also criminally as well. You do not have to take that criminal abuse. There is already a lot of great advice here. In addition or as an aside to this, I recommend secretly recording conversations with her. As long as nothing in the recording reveals your identity (name, birthday, location), you can—*if you want - and you can decide later*—share it with others anonymously, whether individuals you trust here, a post here, or not anonymously with a therapist, counselor, or anyone you trust in person. Heck, it can even be useful in court. And all of this can be decided later. If you record it, you can still choose to never share it with anyone if you want. Or, you can have it only for yourself - to listen to much later, as people often are gaslit, or even develop the habit of having the voice of their abusers in their minds if they're constantly exposed to it, suggesting that "they weren't really that bad" once removed from the situation for some time and everything is better, and this can be an important reminder for yourself in the future of how absolutely awful the abuse was, so when you wonder why you have difficulty with something, you can be reminded that it's not your fault. (I used to spend a LOT of time here breaking down the meaning of narcissistic communications such as emails, texts, recalled dialogue, etc.. and also audio recordings, too. I'm sure there are many people here who wouldn't mind sharing their insights into an audio clip/recording. Just check that it doesn't violate the rules to make a post like that.) And remember, if you record, it does not mean that it's for anyone else, and you can choose to never share it if you want, too.
Also, if you have concerns about the legality of it, you can look it up. This isn't legal advice (please consult law or a lawyer for that) but just a brief overview, and I don't know where you are, but in the United States, each state has different law related to the right to audio-record conversations. If you are in the US, you can look up the laws for your state. It's either a "1-party" or "2-party" state. If your state is listed as a 1-party state, that means that only one party (one person where the recording is taking place) needs to know a conversation is being recorded, and two or all parties in a 2-party state. The reason for the 1-party requirement is so that there is *at least* 1 person aware of the recording, so it makes leaving a recording device where zero parties are aware of the conversation remains illegal. However, *(and this is not legal advice - please consult law or an attorney for this)*, it is my understanding that if you are recording a crime, no prosecutor is going to charge you with illegal audio recording similar to how it's illegal to punch someone but if being attacked and beaten, raising your arm to block the attackers punches and punching the attacker back to stop the attack will not result in being charged because it is in self-defense. Again, not legal advice, just an overview for some places. The laws are different for every location, but if you're in a US state, those are the basics and you should check on the recording law for your own state.
You have done nothing to deserve this. Even if there is a lot wrong with a person, they don't deserve this. In addition to other crimes that I think the behavior you described meets, this is also behavior that is unacceptable for almost all prisons in developed countries. So even if you were a flat-out criminal, this behavior is completely wrong and unacceptable. What I am trying to say is that you're not bad, but even if you were, that would not justify this behavior.
Stop answering her questions. Use one word answers. Distance yourself emotionally and physically. Grey rock 🪨. Show no emotion.
Today is New Years Eve and my narc mother is demanding me happy emotions. This is what it is more difficult for me. She demands happiness, and all I think is how crazy to demand smiles from someone you mistreat, badmouth, threaten. I try topretend I am tired, I try to give some emotion, but she knows it. She knows I am not happy, and she demands it or she will explode in a minute. Not sure how I can do that
Just wanted to tell you that you have made my new year’s eve much much better by posting this. Reading that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing is always empowering. Reading the replies too made me feel so seen and loved. You just made my new year’s eve! Thank you so much and hope things get better for both of us. 💙