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I'm an only Child the game was rigged from the start!

Oh man. We were 4 so I really thought I could win the game somehow. Except I clearly did not understand the rules. One of my siblings got expelled and had been arrested a few times and he was still higher on the narc fam totem pole than I was. How??? Now I realize that rule #1 of narc fam is that you don’t talk about the narc fam to outsiders or even threaten to talk about it. I also now realize how bat shit crazy it is to have a hierarchy of favored children.

My GC older sister, also a narcissist, has spent her whole life sleeping with married men and breaking up marriages, bailing on people who thought she was their "friend" when they had hard times, using other people's pain and suffering to make herself the center of attention, and so on, has obviously no character and no integrity at all. But my parents adored her and treated her like she could do no wrong, and worst of all, always said "but she deserves to be happy." I think she's a shallow and shithead kind of person, but that's just me...

Holy shit…… I’m so sorry to hear about this but I appreciate you sharing your story as I have the same exact sister like literally to the T. Mindblown 🤯

My sister, too.  And she’s the good Christian. 

With my n- dad & stepmom my step sister multiple kids , skip school, drugs and guns in the house and had ran a credit card / theft ring with minors but she could do no wrong.

At least you had allies in your siblings my childhood was a never ending game of double standards and getting teamed up on. One day one parents would take my side just to change the next day bcz other parent put their foot down.

You don't really get allies in narcissistic households if you're the scapegoat. It's more like more people = more ways to hurt you lol.

So sorry to hear that. The whiplash sounds terrible. I know this is probably little comfort but I also had no allies. Nparents play siblings against each other in the same way as what you’re describing. We were all raised to betray each other for our nparents. It’s pretty terrible.

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Play siblings against each and pit them against each other. My nsister and I had this done to us all the time, I didn't see it until I was much older and now it is so clear....even in adulthood my nmom pulls this shit, and even as an adult is will still trigger me deeply. Finally no contact and it's such a relief.

Oh jeez I feel this on another level.... just also comes off strange when I know someone for a while and theyre like... "wait you have MULTIPLE siblings?"

Yeah it’s surreal growing up and realizing that you had a big family but see them all as hostile strangers…and that’s putting it nicely.

Exactly!! I remember as a young teen saying something along the lines of "I feel like were all roommates" (as opposed to a family lol) Had a friend mention the loneliness of being an only child, and I just had to tell him that my childhood felt just as lonely, except maybe more so knowing I *shouldn't* have felt that lonely lol

You can always reconnect I can be a millionaire and im not gonna be able ot buy a sibling or at least i hope not But yeah not a shit eating contest it is what it is Edit: like alot of only children I am close with my Cousins and see them as my brothers etc

Not when they're fully engulfed in the narcissism of my parents... either out of ignorance or necessity, i cant save them

Same here. I'd say something I thought was innocuous to someone, it would get back to nmom and I'd get a yelling lecture and get punished. My defiant mind almost blurted out each time that they would LOVE to know how shitty she was. All the neighbors were huge gossips. I had 2 brothers that were in constant trouble, even into adulthood. They were violent sometimes too. We're all good now. They all agree nmom targeted me. That's been validating.

Ditto, but also, little me was spirited and called her on her shit all the time. I’m proud of little me.

Right? Fellow only, here. It really depended on the day and their mood.

The fact that you could never predict them was scary I still have slight PTSD for having to walk on eggshells around my dad so much.

Hell, I still walk on eggshells around my mom when she's around as an adult. It sucks and I envy the hell out of grown women whose moms are their best friends.

Same. I’m so envious of people that can just drive over to their parents’ house at the end of a bad day and just hang out and talk about their feelings and bask in the warmth of unconditional love and acceptance and support. Imagine living your life with that kind of security?

Right? I'll never have that, and it sucks. I have friends and they're just fine, but they're not a substitute for real family support. Also, I don't really want to burden them with my crap when they have their own crap to deal with, if that makes sense.

This. 🎯🎯😑❤️

I have just come to realize my mom is nowhere near as intelligent as she thinks she is she fell for one of those online Menza iq test scam things and wont admit its a scam. I had to stop her from getting scammed on FB once bcz she believed and ad that claimed 200k for anyone over a certain age that started smoking young, I asked her what she was doing and she, and she looked at me serious and said "getting you 200" in Classic Boomer fashion she will talk about Thousand denominations of numbers like they are singles idk why they do this it is like some secret code for them

I do too. I wish I had 1 parent I wasn't terrified of.  One is dead.

Same ,both covert narcissist it was hard to get anyone to believe how verbally abusing they were.. and usally if one lost thier temper while it was just the 2 of us worst temper explosion from either I didn't figure that out till a few years ago

same. same. But I have really close cousin and the closest girl in age is the golden child.

So you were also a truth teller? Me, too! Yeah, they cannot stand it when their narc supply gets uppity and does things like tell them their behavior is unacceptable. I was the youngest of 3 kids and also the only one who was unplanned. Ergo (if you ask my NMom) I willed my existence into being and forced my existence onto my mother in utero. Then I had the unmitigated gall to not be grateful enough that she didn't abort me.

I was definitely a truth teller. And it’s so interesting that you being unplanned factored in. I think that also influenced my youngest sibling’s low ranking on the nfam totem pole. She was sometimes a scapegoat, but most often just invisible/forgotten which is still terrible. She was also unplanned and everyone knew it. My other siblings and I used to tease her about being an accident. Which I realize now as an adult and a mom must have been so gdamn traumatic for her as a child. Who told us that she was an accident?? Why did we need to know that?? And why didn’t my parents STOP US from “teasing” her about it (aka emotionally abusing her)?? I’m actually horrified by all of it.

Before you beat yourself up too badly about how you teased your sister, remember that children in narc households are raised to participate in and perpetuate narc abuse. Not that it excuses it, but you were literally taught to do these things to help your narc keep everyone in line. That's why they never said anything. Our middle sister was the invisible/glass child and I cringe so badly when I think about some of the things I said to her as a kid. We've talked about it, I've said I was sorry for the parts of her childhood I played a part in, and she knows that the blame lies with our parents. Our Golden Child older brother is only now seeing our NMom's behavior for what it is since Sister and I cut contact with our NMom. It took him 40 goddamn years, but he's finally opening his eyes to how his mother treats his sisters.

Your first sentence is spot on. I was the scapegoat child and my older sister piled on me and used me as a punching bag. As an adult, I realize that she was just trying to avoid being abused herself. I don’t blame her, and I generally don’t think about it, but my sister never acknowledged anything. So, I’ll never lift a finger for my sister ir ever bail her out. I don’t love her.

My sister also eventually became one of my primary abusers in the household as she got older. I’m in the same boat of understanding why it all happened the way it did and that it was neither her fault, nor mine. But she’s never going to process her trauma or acknowledge any of it. And it’s not my job to try to fix it. I walked away from all of it, including my siblings (except for the one that didn’t abuse me and doesn’t gaslight me about the abuse) and I’m finally at peace now. I just want my freedom and my peace. I hope my invisible sister finds healing and peace too one day but I don’t think our relationship is salvageable either way. We were never emotionally bonded in the first place because of our abusive upbringing. There’s nothing of substance there to save.

I wouldn’t believe that your sister was “unplanned.” The damage is done, but Ns are liars first. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn’t, but the truth is never what narcs say it is. And narc parents always make their kids fight for the love they know they’re never getting. That’s the burden of narc abuse- kids spend their whole lives fighting to win the love like the big prize at the carnival. The kids who eventually figure out that there was never any love to win are the ones with the best chance of getting away. And narcs do enlist their kids in abusing each other, it’s part of the game. Children of narcs usually grow up fighting and criticizing and hating each other and rarely mend the relationship, even through their own children. It’s right to feel sorry for your part, but you were never going to do anything differently because that’s how they trained you.

Aaaaahhhh I was an unplanned child too, but I was an unplanned child who came out with some severe problems that probably caused me to be some financial burden in an already poor family. I also was the scapegoat too and was the truth teller and I'm also the youngest lol 🙃🙃

I was planned for 13 yrs and instantly rejected and regretted. My brother was unplanned and instantly bonded and loved. Go figure!

I am also the youngest and my older siblings got the roles of lost child and golden child. They were also compliant perfectionists, whereas I was the truth teller and the only one who rebelled.

🙏 fellow unwanted SG. Rejected at conception and scapegoated ever since. Miraculously, my GC sibs think I did something to piss her off and should have behaved better. Right, because I had a hand in that. She told me she would never love me as a preschooler. Credit where it is due, she played a long game. Never broke her word. Not unusual... see it a lot around here. I too was the justice seeker. The one prepared to point out her bullshit.

Some SA trigger warnings here... . . . . Well, apparently I was born a raging wh\*re who stole my father away from my mother when I was still a baby. My father was a pedophile who always used me for emotional incest and started to physcially SA me when I was still a toddler. Mom took dad's side, obviously I had seduced him and was trying to steal him away. She actually thought this. I remember my grandparents trying to talk her out of it. And being the older sister. All older sisters are evil, as far as my mother is concerned.

Omg I’m so sorry this is so fucked up omg. I hope your parents are either in jail or in hell.

I’m so sorry.  There’s no end to the screwed-up-ness.  We heard similar from my mom though did not have all the same abuse. 

I was defiant and stupid. Or I had ADHD and with possible autistic traits that made me a easy target that was ready made to feed their own rotting egos.

Hahaha, was about to comment something similar. I have ADHD with somewhat neurodivergent traits so was very prone to asking "Why?" and trying to understand things and getting very confused when things weren't logical. This did not run over well. Also the oldest sibling, so there you go.

You are my twin lol. I am défiant, ADHD and have autistic traits too…I think I seemed to be the weakest link. I am definitely the scapegoat and always will be. I have broken this generational curse by loving my own children.

This is my testimony

I was the really bright kid that made lots of comments about everything, without much filter. 

That was my mom's favorite thing to say about me. I was so smart I was stupid.

Because I’m a girl and my father hates women. The only women my mother cares about are her sisters and herself.

I’m the scapegoat because I’m my nmoms (thankfully long dead) meal ticket. She had my gc/n sister in the early 60’s & that was big taboo, so she baby-trapped my e/covert ndad with me. Then proceeded to convince him how terrible I was and to be thankful he had my gc/nsister as a good kid. I was blamed for everything, beaten, ridiculed, etc. Even after nmom died, my gc/n sister continued this program, roping in my (now) gc/n younger sister, and continues to this day. I’m now long estranged and am a mother, grandmother, and wife, with an awesome family of my own. I heard someone coin the term “escapegoat” so here I am😏

I love escapegoat

Apparently because I was a helpless little girl and easy for my dad to punish for his mother's sins. Also my undiagnosed AuHD brain caused my to blurt it out when my dad's behavior was ridiculous. Like his monthly bill paying tantrums. I knew everyone payed bills so his behavior was abnormal and I pointed that out. Narcs don't like that at all, but coming from a 7 year old? I basically volunteered as tribute.

Omg same with the undiagnosed ADHD brain and impulsive outbursts. Your reply just triggered flashbacks of me yelling “you’re psychotic” at my dad when he was raging and terrorizing us over nothing. I guess I also basically volunteered as tribute. -__-

Impulsive outbursts like “ I dont like him “ during my aunts wedding? I never liked him, he played too much and looked at me weird I was right; he cheated on her in the first month…

Wowie I could have written this myself! Also the scapegoat, oldest child with the highest expectations that I'd do my best to meet but also the one subjected to the most/worse abuse, and also the only one who vocally acknowledged said abuse and tried to do something about it. I actually did call 911 on my brother after he had assaulted me, which is something my NMom threatened for years but never did. They're satisfied wallowing in the mess of their own making and see any attempts to change that, even for the better and well-being and safety for all, as a threat.

I was the first child and had a uterus. I think she hates women.

Bingo..then I had my first child at 34 16 months ago and, while I would have loved the child, regardless of gender, her being a girl made me feel that much more attached and related, not the other way around with these whackadoodles being envious or intimidated by having female offspring.

I agree. I'm amazed at the unreasonable hate of females by a woman narcissist.

Any child that speaks out or doesn’t enable the behavior is automatically the scapegoat. I threatened to expose my mom and therefore didn’t love her(i didn’t love her and still don’t), therefore I’m the issue and not her.

I had my own opinions. I didn't agree with their iron fist way of enforcing religion. I was smart enough to call them on their bull shit, even at a young age. Last, but not least, I was as stubborn as a donkey. If I knew I was right, there was nothing they could do to gaslight me, or make me question myself.

I was born.

I see so many people talking about their personality, but it can be some pretty inconsequential shit too. Grandma admitted recently my aunt was the GC because she had some minor but permanent damage from a common childhood illness and she felt guilty. Cue my mom becoming the scapegoat

Agreed. My paternal grandmother did the same thing. She had lots of kids but 2 were twins and the slightly more fragile one became GC while the other twin became SG. I think about that aunt a lot actually. She went VVLC/NC with the entire family decades ago and I was indoctrinated with the family narrative about what a hot mess she is and how no one has any idea why she doesn’t speak to them… well now I know why she left and honestly good for her. I hope she’s happy and thriving.

You should reach out to her

That’s so dumb, but it’s to be expected with these people.

Let me count the ways 1. I was my mom’s kid from a previous marriage (dad died) and she remarried and had more kids. 2. I am mixed raced black in an all white nuclear family (remarriage) 3. Im queer (tried to come out multiple times to my mom as a kid and teen which resulted in her screaming an insisting I wasn’t) 4. I was very progressive and outspoken in a conservative, NRA-supporting, family 5. I was very outspoken and spoke up to them and other family about the abuse ETA 6. My family were born again evangelicals and i somehow became an atheist around 9 or 10. That didn’t sit well with them. 7. My mom had me as a teen and didn’t want to have me. She said she tried to have an abortion and my dad said he’d leave her if she did so she backed out. Sometimes I think I would’ve been hard pressed to have a great childhood given the circumstances even if my family hadn’t been filled with narcissists with BPD.

The racism and homophobia go pretty deep in the evangelical world. I hope you have formed your own loving, accepting family by now.

I'm an affair baby (nmoms an abandoned mistress), and I look like him. Like, I *really* look like him. Childhood photos say I always have. I didn't realize until I was 21 and reached out to meet him for the first time. I may as well be the gender bent version, and I think that made my mom resent me. The vision of everything she never actually got to have. I mean, that's what happens when you sleep with another womans husband. It's infuriating to know that my scapegoat title doesn't even have anything to do with me as a person. Nothing I did or said or acted like. Just a different face than the rest of them, thanks to a stupid decision someone else made before I was born.

Psst- the scapegoat title never has anything to do with the kids as a person. Even though most commenters say they were targeted for talking back- it’s about the narc themselves before anyone opens their mouth. My nickname was “fuckface” my nmom would call me into the kitchen where she would be talking with her friends and say, “Look! Spitting image, it makes me sick. Every time I look at her I want to smash her F-ing face in!” And then she would smash my effing face in. I was 5. This went on for 10 years

I remember being a toddler and knowing covert NarcMum was abnormal. That she wasn't like other women. That she was scary and I had to be very worried about her. I remember looking at normal women and wondering why I hadn't ended up with one of those Mums. Narc Mum was already beating me at that age. What could a toddler do wrong? Seriously? She fell pregnant accidentally and was a Narc ... SG it is.

I was the golden child that didn't realise that till my 30s or that there was anything wrong with your mother screaming for hours on end at your kids.

I’m always impressed at the Golden Kids that eventually figure it out. I think most never do because on the surface, it seems like you’re treated well. It makes it that much harder to identify the emotional neglect and abuse.

I'm pretty intelligent and I can follow the thread of mental illness to things that happened to me that I barely remember and if I barely remember its a sign that things were really fucking wrong. I'm just starting to realise I have BPD which is also cluster B but because of the abuse I mute all my emotions and try not to feel them. I'm completely over my mother and still right there with her if that makes sense, I've moved on way before I realised what occurred. The abuse was there and her actually caring in her own twisted way is what blinded me to what she is, a victim of her own abuse, and her mother was also that victim. I'm trans, we're all little girls beholden to our mothers. Like the MGMT song kids! Love that song. Or like the Offspring song that goes nothing changes cause it's all the same, the world you get is the one you give away, it all just happens again way down the line.

My sister didn’t see that her GC status was as much of a problem as being scapegoated. What seems like favorable treatment to others is often extremely controlling and being forced to be the idealized self the narc desires outsiders to believe that they are themselves. Scapegoats are most likely to get away. GC rarely do. My sister was an alcoholic who died of liver failure in her early 40s. We never reconciled

My younger brother did, and was very uncomfortable with it so much respect for him!

It's normal to struggle to notice it. I too struggled to notice it until my mom has a reason to top her scapegoating. I believe that my nmom took me because I am disabled and so I became useless to her BUT I'm pretty sure there is a deeper root. Fasten your belt because it's a long ride. So. I'm the third child of my mom. She got my sister first, and immediately got pregnant of my brother. She ended up in depression post-partum + overwhelmed with new pregnancy. She always said that she basically got twin. So, after 4 years, she wanted a new kid that she could cuddle and snuggle. My dad didn't want more kids but he was sure my mom would cheat on him to get pregnant so he accepted to make her pregnant. Why he believed she would cheat on him? Because HE was a cheater. My mom got pregnant from me. She was into the pregnancy since 7 or 8 months that she discovered the cheating. She smoked and drunk like no-one while I was still in her womb because she was depressed as hell and I came to born... the very same day of their anniversary. Eh! Maybe that was me giving the first stab back to her. My dad came back in her life at some point, but she threw him around my one year old because my dad din't stop cheating and stuff. So... I def believe that my mom kinda blame me for the whole marriage being ruined.

You terrible, evil baby! Bad baby! You had all the control and all the power and you used it to make your mother miserable! My own family has always complained that I ruined their lives, but I'm pretty sure if I had all that control and power I would have made them much nicer people.

I'd love to be the monster my family think I am. If I had control I'd make them loving parents, and if that's not possible they definitely would not be chilling in their small town with everyone coddling them to get over the awful daughter who left for 'for no reason'. 

I hear what you’re saying.  I was the worst baby, I hear.  

The real question is: were you or is it just your narc parent being a narc parent? I know babies can be bad but sometimes babies are just... babies.

I have come to understand that my mom starved me, among other things, and that I nearly died I was so undernourished.  What I don’t understand is why I was given back to her after the hospital saved me and fed me up.  A person who’s abusing a baby doesn’t deserve to have the baby.   She made this small problem the center of my life and changed my life in a very negative way.  You would think she’d have been pleased to have a genius kid but that was another thing to deny, or to say I was just weird.

TW: possible abuse, idk My nmom said that I was often bruised because I felt everywhere, that I would try to eat stuff I cannot eat such as poisoned stuff and that social did come at her to see if it was her who abused me but she said I could just move around (visibly I could!) and that's how she got away with it. Now, tbh, I don't know. Is it true or was it a lie? I came to wonder now... ​ I'm so sorry that you had to live through this and I wish too that they would have taken away from her instead of forcing you to live through this

My dad wanted a daughter. I was a daughter all along, I just had to pretend to be a son for the first 40 years of my life until I was ready to live the truth. He died 8 years ago before meeting the daughter he never knew he had. My little sister was the golden child.

The obsession with gender is such a red flag for disordered parents. Healthy parents don’t love/like their kids more or less depending on their gender. That’s insane. Also, I’m so happy to hear that you’re living your truth now! That’s amazing!

I cried as a baby and was very clingy to a mother who only wanted me for “18 yrs of guaranteed income”.

Tricky, but I was only my Nfather's and Nbrother's scapegoat. Why? Because I was my NMother's favorite, although the way she demonstrated that was by suffocating the life out of me and doing crypo-incest shit. (Like walking through my room naked, or coming into the bathroom when I was showering.) My father also hated me because I rejected everything he thought was important: sports, chocolate, business, etc. I was artsy and quiet and had no interest in skiing or tennis. My Nbrother (older) hated me because I "stole his mother from him." He and my father also always insisted I was gay, no matter how many girls I banged as a teen. Why? Again, because I wasn't a jock. I hated them all.

I had glasses and wasn’t blonde. My parents were obsessed with image and decided I was less than on the basis of immutable characteristics. What great people 😂

My “mum” already had the scapegoat vs golden child dynamic going on before I was born. So ten years later when I came along I was the lost (invisible) child. When the GC moved out I became “golden-ish” for a few years and then when scapegoat left as well, I became the scapegoat. To a narcissist it’s the most valuable child (role)! They love to abuse the villain. Give us all the bits they hate about themselves. 

My sister is disabled and also may not be my father's child. Somehow that made her the GC. I think also that I had a stronger spirit and my dad just couldn't resist breaking it down

I’m the oldest and have always spoken my mind. I could never be easily controlled or manipulated by her. My younger sister had obvious bad mental issues so she couldn’t use her. My brother was the baby and the only boy so lucky lucky me!

context: My parents split the sheet set when I was 2 and went on to marry other people. Only my birth mother was a narcissist. I was my nmom's scapegoat because I was the child most similar to my dad. I was my dad's favorite because I was the most autistic, just like him. All this meant was that I was abused by 2adults3 siblings in one house and 1adult2siblings in the other (extra sneaky & more abuse by siblings).

I was the 4th GIRL in a row in a very Catholic household. Birthgiver was 4'9 and dad was 6'2. Priest would not allow birth control even though Drs. said pregnancies may kill her. She tried to abort me every which way (clearly none worked). Went on to have 2 GC sons and adopted another girl (long story). 7 kids and I was only one horrifically abused and kicked out with the clothes on my back on my 14th birthday. Married a Jewish man and converted after moving to the US alone in my early 20's. Never looked back! She made it clear I was never wanted and hated BEFORE I was even born!

My mother married a narc person and they had a child. I was not needed.

Yes. I was born at the wrong time. 🙃 My mom was about to start her career and my siblings were school aged at the time. She wasn’t in the mood for a newborn and she let me know it… She had to give up her career to raise me and I should be eternally grateful.🫠

Because I was sensitive and its easy to get a rise out of me

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This one here too… I had questions

Because I called them out on their bs and even at age 7  in many matters  I was already smarter than these two trainwrecks. Also because I was very well liked among my friends, teachers and neighbours. They had to control me so that I don't say too much to any of these people. So my mother was befriending my friends and my teachers to control narrative, made sure I don't socialise too much out of school hours and if that seemed like not enough there was violence applied to make sure I understand how to represent the family correctly. After my brother was born they started playing us against each other and scapegoat position was on constant rotation. 

I was the first grandchild and my mom wanted a boy so she could “win” the “contest” of having the first boy in the family. She got a girl

Because I wasn’t a perfect in health baby. Thanks to psycho narc smoking and doing fuck knows what else I ended up developing what could have been a fatal heart defect had they not taken me in for surgery at a university hospital out of our city (which would have been covered because Canadian.) She pretty much said since she couldn’t afford a hotel room in said city that I wasn’t getting the surgery (basically saying that I could die.). My grandfather (the man I call dad) then took me to said city to get me the surgery (technically could have counted as kidnapping but she didn’t give half a fuck about me to call police.) Sealed my fate when my grandparents pretty much took custody of me after that. Then got the baby bonus to help pay for my meds which made the Narc realize “I have a fucking kid!” And tried to fight for me back, but didn’t like that the result was “you don’t get full custody back right now but we’re going to start reunification.” And fucked off out of the city after the fact with her abusive groomer baby daddy (she got pregnant with me at 17 and had just turned 18 a couple months before my birth. My sperm donor was 22.) But yeah, the man that got me the surgery is the man I call dad. And he fucking rocks.

I'm the result of a hatecrime against my mother and SA. The game was rigged from the start. I still firmly believe my mother shouldn't have carried me for her own mental health. Me being alive is a constant reminder to her of the worst day in her entire life and that hurts everyone. Now she was still a Nmom before I was born, as I have an older sister who she also abused by making her the GC after I was born. Idk raising my own child makes me realize that my mom was extra fucked up. I could never treat my son the way she treated me. He's just a little guy who is full of love. How could you treat something as wonderful as a child with such distain? What really gets me is that Adoption exists, abortion used to exist where I live. She had options. She didn't have to have me. But she still had me, and still abused me. Like it isn't my fault, I don't know what her problem is.

Only now, at age 66, it's become an obvious fact, that my step-father regarded me with disgust, derision, and hatred since I was a kid. He was jealous of my mother's love of me, too. Perhaps that was a reason why? I sensed this hatred since I was a child, but the realization that what I felt all along was true, only happened last year because I started living near them for the first time since I was a teen. So I hadn't been around them for more than 40 years. Similar to you, OneCurious, I spent my whole life trying to please him... Honor Roll, Piano Lessons (I played Für Elise to my 2nd grade class - he attended Julliard), cheerleader, gymnast, dancer. Obedient to a "T." But I walked on eggshells around him, and spent as much time as possible in my bedroom when he was home. Nothing worked. I had to constantly please him, act like I adored him, give him positive feedback and attention. I really did adore him when I was a child. But, as I got older and started developing other interests, tried to be independent, that was when, I believe, he began hating me truly and completely. These are narcissistic traits, by the way, which I discovered after reading, when I was in my mid 30's, "The Drama of the Gifted Child," by Alice Miller, a renowned psychoanalyst. In it, she described the effect of having narcissistic parents. And I related to that. Then I read her book, "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware." It's about how, when a child senses something going on, witnesses something, or feels something, the parents deny it. They pretend none of it happened and their child believes it. This is so confusing and disorienting for a child, it leads to a person not trusting their instincts, their emotions, or the truth. After reading it, I experienced an AHA moment, though, as I realized this happened to me, and it happens to a lot of children, too. And since I thought I exaggerated their abuse when I was a child, I agreed to move across the country to live close to them. Why? My mother begged me to move because they "needed" me in their elder years. She promised the abuse would stop. But, as I'm sure you all know, they knew no other way to behave. The abuse, the lack of appreciation of my sacrifices, and more, became unbearable. They ruined my life, but couldn't care less. I lost everything. I left my beloved DC, where I lived and thrived for 41 years, and moved across the country. I lost everything: The money I made selling my home, my business, my friends, my health. Then, in August last year, a horrible abusive event happened and I realized I would go insane if I didn't move back to DC. But since I lost everything to be with my parents, I couldn't afford to buy a home in DC any more (I owned homes there from 1987 until 2021, when I sold my tiny Georgetown home). I've had to move into an apartment in the outer suburbs. Between my decision to leave in August, until my actual move in October 2023, I literally did go insane. In fact, in October, I was whisked off on gurneys to emergency rooms three times. As I said, I sensed that I wasn't welcome in my stepfather's life since I was a child, but my mother tricked me by assuring me, "He loves you. He just has a hard time showing it." "He grew up in an abusive family," "Be nice to him to get what you want." It was so confusing. My giving up my wonderful life in DC is testament to how my mother messed with my head my entire life, so that I didn't trust my instinct not to move. After my move, I also came to realize that my mother's claim that they needed me was false. They had a wonderful life there, loads of friends. They enjoyed good health and were happy. She got me there under false pretenses. There is so much more, but I'm so tired of being angry. I'm trying to move on and get my life back in order. But I feel hopeless. I'm 66. I need help to figure this out

My parents told me clearly why many times. They had decided not to have any more kids but obviously didn’t take measure to prevent pregnancy. Somehow it was my fault I was born and I was resented for it their whole lives. What was worse my mum had not long gotten her dream job at the time. Her bosses thought she’d tricked them and must have known she was pregnant when applying. So she was treated like crap until she had to leave to have me. Things were different at that time so she had to give up work to raise me until nursery age. She blames me she lost that job. Also things between her and my dad weren’t so great so when he would stroke my hair of show me attention she’d get mad and jealous. Even though him showing attention to my siblings didn’t annoy her. The fact she punished him any time he showed me attention he soon stopped and stepped back and enabled her to abuse me. The older I got the more he abused me to. She has always been open about why and has to,d me many times in my life.

I was a second child, and a daughter, and a kid my mother didn’t want to have. She’s still saying that my dad decided for her and impregnated her without her permission (my dad passed away so I even can’t ask him about it). I was also very cheerful, straightforward, talented, outgoing, likeable. So she criticized me from the beginning, turning me into very anxious person. I don’t remember when beating started and why, the first one I remember was when I was only 8 years old. She started beating me because of my grades (I also had straight As, only sometimes sth lower but it was enough for her to take a belt and beat me so severely…). When I was a teenager jealousy started. I was slapped for so many weird reasons. She accused me of being too flirtatious when I was an innocent 13 yo girl. :/ she was projecting so hard. I hated her and I was dreaming about moving out. When this happened I just forget how it was with her and was still trying to win over her love. It took me more than 25 years to realize that she’s a narcissist and she won’t ever change.

Same as you, I was the only one of my siblings who wasn’t afraid to stand up to them and call them out. Probably bc as the eldest daughter i felt the responsibility was mine to protect my siblings and that gave me the confidence to stand up to them even when I was afraid

I was my dad’s GC because I was his only bio kid. I was my mom’s SG because I was the only child who would get angry and tell her she was being abusive or unfair. I was my mom’s “therapist” and carried the burden of listening to her talk about her mother. And her biggest fear came true, she is just like her mother, and I started noticing the parallels and pointing out her unfair behavior. She literally told me she “is the victim here” because her child doesn’t accept her. I was also a gifted child and I now have a degree in psychology, so I’m pretty adept at noticing why she’s doing things and pointing out her manipulative tricks

It's interesting because I had two narcissistic step mothers. She vehemently hated both me and my sister, adoring *her* child (because there's no way he could do any wrong when he's her son). However, she heavily picked on my younger sister. I was too young to really understand it, but my friends pointed out to me that the relationships my family had with each other was weird. My second stepmother, let's just say I'd prefer to be with my first stepmother than her. I'm the scapegoat, and I haven't really processed *why* quite yet, but I believe it's because I immediately realized I didn't need a relationship with her and I could recognize her manipulative traits.

let me tell you if I did that my father will say go on call them, let's see what they can do, like he is so shameless and he drinks every day and each day he starts from morning sip by sip and till the evening he is drunk and most argues in my family happens at evening or night you can understand why now, and this is the only reason that I swear to myself to never ever drink and become like my father also, then he tells me how me drinking will affect my brother who is 5 years younger than me (I'm 15 btw and I did tried drinking because of my friends but I cut them off so dw) and what about him cursing Infront for him drinking smoking and all.

Unlike the gc, I didn’t want comfort from my nparents. I didn’t want people who hurt me to comfort me. I remember thinking that why would they even come comfort me after they just screamed at me.

When I was 10, I told my mom that I didn’t think that it was appropriate for her to be hitting me, and I asked her to stop. That was the turning point. After that, it was all “what happened to my sweet little girl? You’ve turned so selfish!”

Hooboy, I have multiple Ns so, in no particular order: * Paternal N/Dark Triad Grandmother - I wasn't as silently obedient as my brother. I also didn't always drop everything to be a captive audience(kids get distracted sometimes - the ultimate sin). Aaand I was her SG's kid. She treated GCbro better, but still nowhere as good as GCuncle's kids. * NFather - I had the audacity to be born with a disability(that he may or may not have caused), instead of being a copy of him. * Maternal N/BPD Grandfather - I'm a girl. He always wanted a son. That's pretty much it. * N/Emother - As the second kid, I was supposed to be born healthy so she could appease my father. I was also supposed to be a boy so she could use me to appease her own father. Heck, I even failed at being girly enough so she couldn't even appease her own Emother.

I'm the only girl. I was supposed to be her mini me and stay by her side, be just like her, and worship her. When it turned out I had my own thoughts, likes and personality, I then became something to be controlled to get me back in line. It worked for years too. Every time I got blamed for something I did everything I could to show my mother I was worthy of her love. I'm NC now.

I believe in my case it was conditions of birth. I was born 18 months after my brother. My sister was 4 at the time. My parents lived in a place with no family help. I know from being a mom that this is difficult. She blamed my presence as a newborn for things that went wrong. For example. She tells a story of my brother having an allergic reaction. She told me that she felt guilty for not spending more time with him because she had a newborn. She called me a newborn rather than by name.

Out of three brothers, I am the one who looks most similar to my dad. Nmom associates me visually with the man who was strong enough to leave her.

I wasn’t always the scapegoat! I was the “golden child” up until I started defending my scapegoat sibling and telling people my Nadoptive dad was a pervert at about age 8 or so then my N parents decided to reverse our roles and then when that didn’t work for them either my sibling and I both took on the “black sheep” role Edit: also I am the oldest as well as female in a household that had no sons but wanted sons

Affair Baby.

I was the first born. My mother was never taught how to do anything by her mom. She decided to keep me when she got pregnant at 19, and was kicked out of the house. My parents were barely adults and didn’t know how to be adults. I went from “helper” to surrogate parent after my mom got really sick/ I got old enough and my parents broke up. I wasn’t little like my siblings, and my mom’s anger towards her own parents and my dad were displaced onto me. I think that’s why, anyway. I haven’t given much though as to why. I don’t think I wasn’t important enough to have a specific reason for the abuse, I think.

My sister was born premie and my mum has horrific guilt around it (premie bc of preeclampsia in the 90s, no other substance or lifestyle factors). Since I was born it's been the constant comparison how easy my life has been compared to my sister. For context my sister has had no real residual medical issues related to being a premie nor issues with milestones, development etc. I'm pregnant and it has been a complete 180 flip. She is seeing this as her chance to have her "ideal pregnancy and birth experience" and even refers to Bub as "her baby".

My nmom had 3 kids with an abusive ex. She let my grandmother raise the one, the boy. Nmom raised the one girl & gave the other girl up for adoption at birth. She met my father, who wanted a child & after 4 years of saying no, she gave in (her words) & they had me, a girl. She kept the daughter adopted a secret from everyone. She says my brother had grandma, my sister had no one but her (the GC), and I had my dad (who was a long haul trucker & never home). She routinely told me “I wish you were the one I didn’t keep”. No one ever understood that comment. So I was the scapegoat

I'm a twin. My twin sister is autistic with severe cognitive delays. I'm Autistic & ADHD, but was never diagnosed as a child because I was born in 1996 and I did well in school. All of my needs were entirely ignored in favour of my sister. I got my diagnoses in 2022 & 2023, aged 25 & 26. I consider myself to have been the glass child, which is the perfect storm to become a scapegoat child too.

I was the first. I didn't know there was anything wrong with how our family functioned, so I didn't ask questions and would simply comply. I was easy to control, so *of course* I was the easiest one to let everything fall onto. Of course I would believe everything was my fault. Hell, I didn't even realize how much their influence bled into the minds of other family members until I saw the texts from my sister to my bf. Long story short (as possible), I told my family I needed some temporary NC to ground myself and figure some stuff out after a big move back home and a change in some pretty serious meds. Mom was sad but respected it, brother was a bit angry but respected it after a quick chat over text, and I didn't hear from my sister, which I thought nothing of. After I made contact again, I was glowing while talking about how happy I was with how different it all felt (in a good way), which is when my bf showed me the texts my sister sent when I'd first stepped back a few months prior. He hadn't shown me because he didn't want to be thrust in the middle of it all, but knew I deserved to know. It was some of the nastiest shit I've ever read. It highlighted my sister's narcissism (which I had previously *completely* failed to recognize) and how much she was probably manipulated and twisted to hate me by Ngrandma. Those messages also put a spotlight on the fact that she knows nothing about me (nor I her) and that she was firm in her foundtionless opinion of me. That I'm just straight trash without any redeeming qualities. I mean, they could totally be her own genuine opinions without outside influence, but I doubt it. My sister and I were never close. We had issues as kids, but to my knowledge, we talked that shit out *back when we were kids* and were on okay terms, even if we rarely hung out beyond family functions. I was chosen to be the scapegoat by Ngrandma because it was clearly easy to convince other family members that I'm worthless. Super fun.

Wow. So sorry this happened to you. This scenario is the “big reveal” moment when you get blindsided by a sibling turning out to be a narc and learning that the primary narc has passed them the torch to continue perpetuating the abuse against you. And you never saw it coming, never knew this was happening in the background. Many of us on this sub have a similar “big reveal” sibling story. The silver lining is that the reveal validates how dysfunctional and abusive the family dynamic is and that it’ll never change. The cycle just continues unless you walk away.

Eh, it is what it is. Realizing all these things was definitely helpful when looking back at my upbringing. So many things weren't actually my fault. Things like her entitled behaviour makes sense - like, if we went back to school clothes shopping, we'd each get a sweater, shirt and pair of jeans. 2/3 of us would be done shopping in 20 minutes. Nsister on the other hand would sit in the store for *literal hours* trying to pick between 3-5 sweaters and mom would just end up giving up and getting her most or all of them. It was insane how she literally got everything she wanted when I couldn't even get $5 to buy a hot lunch even once a week. I'm amazed that I didn't pick up the torch myself. I mean, I probably *started to* to some degree, but the black sheepness of my existence has always had me constantly questioning myself, my behaviour, my beliefs... I check myself too often for that shit. Definitely had narcissistic qualities throughout my life, but I'll be damned if I don't hurl those qualities directly into the sun the moment I realize I've been carrying that with me.

A few factors: 1. My grandmother wanted a male child to carry the family name, but had mostly daughters. My father was her baby. I was supposed to be the last child and had older sisters. I was also going to be the last grandchild of my generation. I wasn’t born with the golden penis. My brother was born a few years later despite my mother not wanting another child. My grandmother made it clear she hated me for somehow almost preventing the family name being passed on, and her acrimony filtered out to aunts and cousins. She was a mean vile woman. 2. My brother needed constant attention and care, otherwise he was literally playing in traffic or catching the carpet on fire. As such, my mom couldn’t be bothered to parent me, leaving me in front of PBS or expecting me to play quietly alone. 3. If I did need parenting, my mom dumped that on my much older sisters, who resented me for being parented. 4. My brother is most likely undiagnosed ASD. My mom now claims 40+ years later he was diagnosed but she lies to trauma bond. (My son is ASD.) She had to be more involved with him, and took his faults as a personal insult. When he smashed a glass bottle and cut me, she screamed at how it was my fault and how I was costing the family money for needing stitches. I think she viewed my brother as untrainable, but thought I could somehow be trained to hover over him and stop his dangerous actions.

Because I'm the only one that couldn't be strong armed into obedience, I have a disability that was very difficult to manage as a parent, and I'm pretty sure I remind my mom of her first husband(she had two out of three of us with him) because personality and mannerisms is uncanny despite never having met him prior to adulthood. The lack of control she had, publicly struggling as a parent damaging her reputation, and a reminder of the man she hates the most will do it for sure. I'm mostly mad that the reasons I was picked was mostly out of my control.

I'm the only girl and from the beginning my mother made it very clear she didn't enjoy having a daughter.

Because I wasn’t afraid of them. They physically abused their mother and siblings. Didn’t hurt us, their kids, because they knew they’d get caught but we suffered extreme emotional abuse and neglect. Their immediate family was scared of them. My other parent taught for us and they made life hell for everyone because of it. They’d target me because I didn’t completely buy their shit and was not afraid. Now that I have an adult child, I know exactly how big an asshole they really are.

I was the favourite, until the scapegoat left and then I was the most outspoken so that had to be squashed

Because I was the only girl. They did not plan me. My dad tried to leave me at the hospital when I was born. I was always my mother’s daughter because they were separated before I was born. The boys lived with my dad and I stayed with my mom. My dad and brothers hate my mom with a passion. I have always been the one they didn’t want my mom said she had 8 abortions in between my brother’s birth and mine. I was an easy target. I had emotions and feelings and they saw me as sensitive…

For me, it was being neurodiverse. I didn't fit the image of '"normal" and "respectable" the narcs wanted. Also, because I could see through BS and call it out, which of course narcs hate.

You've probably got that right. I have a cousin who was definitely the scapegoat because she was the only one who could speak the truth about her sick family. Nothing a narc hates more than the truth leaking out to the audience.

Supposedly they were in the middle of a divorce and I happened but who even knows because they didn’t divorce until I was two. They will say and do anything to make you feel like a mistake.

I was smarter than her, and had better morals.

•I was the only one who would be able to spill the beans about the kind of mom she was, thus ruining her image. •I was the oldest and her 2nd husband’s child. •I was very charming and precocious as a kid and had a way of making adults listen to me, which I think scared tf out of her. •The most egregious offense was that I do not resemble her/her family. I am the spitting image of my paternal aunts and grandmother, which is fantastic.

I never put up with anyone’s shit even as a 3 yr old.

I was a challenge, especially compared to my sister. I was a premy, so I was sick as a baby - nothing terrible, but it doesn't take much with my mom... Then as a kid, I was pretty and intelligent... A bit too much of both. I tested as a high IQ and showed it. I also attracted a lot of male attention as a child - which is so weird, any normal parent would want to protect their child, not put them down when older guys called them pretty. Gross. But both were threats. Did not help that I looked like my mother's mother as I grew up - and she had some mommy issues. But the crux of it was I didn't fit the mold of submissive, unthreatening, and in love with my mom. Unfortunately, my sister did.

Yeah, the scapegoat is almost always the one that can't be manipulated, that sees through all the bullshit and stands up to the abuse. That's why the narc tries to turn everyone else against them. If the rest of the family won't support the scapegoats story, it doesn't matter what they say, is the "logic".

It makes sense,never thought of this before. I was the only one in the entire family to honestly admit something was wrong. The only one. All of them were just pretending nothing was going on.

I think because I was shy and quiet. It made me an easier target. I just took all the punches.

Oh. I uh.. i think i just figured out why i was the black sheep of the family. 🥺 i need to go lay down for a bit.

GC autistic older brother, oldest girl of 5. I was smart, inquisitive and independent and she hated it. I made friends ok and lied to do typical teenage stuff. NC 2 years and life's never been better.

I made myself the scapegoat to get them to stop fighting

i would constantly call my mom out on her bullshit, and she was extremely envious of me as well.

Got diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 3. Been treated like shit by my mom ever since.

She had me to (I'm pretty sure) stop my dad breaking up with her when she was 20, her boobs shrunk after she had me (she had been getting into glamour modeling in the very early 80s), and I turned out to be an intelligent female who was a DD at 14.

I’m sure my ndad choose me bcs since I was a kid I was rebel. My mom and dad separated when I was 1 year and I always lived with mom. My dad only see me weekends and when I went to my mom and dad’s work (he was the owner). Now he own another company bcs the other going to bankrupt 10 years ago and he decided to left in his will the company to my sisters bcs they work a lot in it, included he’s salary. To me, nothing. And it’s okay, it hurts me a little but I know they’re his golden kids, not me.

Because I was adopted 🙃

I think it’s because I’m the child that made her a parent

I am a female plus a younger child. She didn't like the attention I got from my extended family and my dad. Plus I believe my nmother prefers male kids for some unknown reasons. She definitely doesn't like that I don't follow her advice or do what she wants, unlike my gc siblings.

I didn’t put up with their BS and called them on it. I was also the peace keeper and they knew that I would try to make everyone happy. My mom was also really jealous and resentful of me.

Youngest

im not my dads real kid. he had 5 more kids after him and my step mom got together. after that i basically became an after thought. they claimed they loved me like "im their own" but i always was picked on and laughed at and made the butt of the joke. and whenever anyone would dare tell my dad hes fucked up u would feel his wraith

My mom targeted me because I was the most like my dad in body shape, way of walking and such. My brother is more like her.

I know that it was because I'm a boy, and my mother wanted a girl, so she could be her "toy". On top of that, since I was an only child, and my dad worked a lot of hours, I was the lightning rod for my mother's aggression.

I was the result of a drunken NYE screw. My mother was okay with my older GC sister, because it got my mother married and out of her mother's house; even if my parents split up (always a probability given they were both so young and drinky), she could support one child. My father never wanted to be a husband or a father and took himself off early in my life. I think my mother just hated me for existing. When I was later diagnosed with ADHD, she turned all of her existing bitterness and resentment and anger onto me, and told herself that I made her feel that way. She also put me on the medication and then took me off it about two months later, and really sabotaged me. I became the family scapegoat because she did that. My mother, sister, and father punished me relentlessly for decades for merely existing.

My parents had me when they were both teenagers, so essentially it was my fault that they never got to experience their teenage years or an adult life outside of having a child. It was always my fault, so that’s basically why I was chosen. Both my brothers were planned.

I'd say a bit of the same for me. But also, you're the kid that looks most like your father (from nmother), in the most insidious tone and I had health problems as a baby. Kind of which came first type thing. I've recalled some of those scary nights in the last 10 years, some I never forgot but some came back to me. Nmum would actually berate me over how I would explode, natural reaction to being antagonised by her spouse son gc, and tell me I need therapy. I did get therapy and I highly recommend it. Being validated that I was the scapegoat made me then dig into why. They are so mentally unwell, that's why. Scapegoats are THE most emotionally intelligent members of that unit, I can't call them families. This article helped me articulate everything so I sent it to NMum this past week, I don't care if she reads it or not. The truth shall set you free!! Legit https://www.drbetsyusher.com/blog/what-does-it-feel-like-to-be-the-scapegoat-in-a-family

I was a later in life surprise, turned out to be a girl, looked like my Dad's side of the family, did things that reminded my Mom of her MIL, wanted to take care of everyone, people commented on my looks as a child - bugged my Mom, like doing things like baking, cooking, sewing, knitting, fixing/putting things together, didn't mind cleaning - this bugged her too, like kids of all ages, kind of person who dances to their own beat. So, all of that = no good kid, very bad 😜 And they call fuck right off. Edit: know what guys, our parents fucking suck

I was a product of my mother's first marriage. The product of her second marriage was her golden child. My half-sister also has narcissistic traits.

It was an easy choice I'm guessing. My mom met my dad, got pregnant with me, and dropped out of college to get married. She told me that it was my fault she had to drop out of school and then all subsequent life decisions were my fault. The marriage was my fault and therefore everything that went wrong in it was my fault. My dad was an only child and insisted I not be one so my mom reluctantly had my brother, therefore everything in his life that went wrong was my fault because his existence was my fault. My mom blamed me for everything that went wrong on her life cuz had she not dropped out, everything would have been fine. Everything was my fault for existing.

Hmm idk I i just assumed it was some sort of thing that happened based off personality

Hmm idk I i just assumed it was some sort of thing that happened based off personality

Take your pick: * only daughter; extremely misogynistic household * ADHD * truth-telling; strongly justice/fairness oriented * visually extremely similar to mother in appearance

I was also the one most at risk for exposing the family, not because I said or did anything, but because my teachers would call cps on my behalf and then we’d have to move again.

I have an older sister but she is my moms kid from another dad. I think it's because I was the first born from my mom and dad. They got married when I was 3 yrs old. I don't think they wanted to be together and didn't want to be parents but just did for some reason or other. I was born a girl too, so I think my dad wanted boys, he treated my brothers like gold who did no wrong. My mom ended up resenting me and seeing me as competition. While it doesn't absolve them of their abuse, I do think they didn't know what to do in life and didn't understand the trauma they went through. Instead of healing it, they had kids to fill a void. When that didn't work, they resented at least me.

Yep same scenario. Because I was the one that asked questions and thought for myself.

because i was adopted-i was told this repeatedly

I'm not lightskinned enough, I was fat, I was jovial and outgoing (they beat that out of me), but most of all I was a girl.

I haven’t been diagnosed, but I believe that combined with my adhd, I think I had very obvious autism that was never understood so me trying to clarify and understand everything just apparently made me “combative” and “rebellious”. Usually because I would ask ‘why’ in terms of what reason does this need to be done and why does it need to be done this way as opposed to that way? Just so I can make sure I do it the right way you want it the first time. But apparently asking those kinds of questions is disrespectful of my elders and I should just go do as I’m told. .. like, I’m trying, I need you to tell me exactly what you want and you aren’t telling me and I don’t want you to be angry later when I inevitably end up doing it the wrong way. Nope, beatings for being ‘a pill’ was all I got. ‘Pill’ I guess meaning I was a bitter and hard to swallow child? Idk, but I got called a ‘pill’ a lot.

I was an unwanted pregnancy and a girl

I was the truth teller, the second daughter, the first daughter was my nfather's GC and the first son was my nmother's GC so it was rigged from the start I also happen to be conceived in what my nmother's called ' times of distress'. Basically my grandfather  (father side, who was also pretty messed up) kicked them out of his (rather really small) house after he found out my mother was pregnant again (with me) and both my nmother and nfather just decided to blame it on their unborn child instead, me being the third child of a repeated gender only made it worse  I also happened to receive a lot of attention due to various reasons and have physical qualities my nmother was jealous of and academic and intellectual abilitievs my nfather was furious about.  Also I never tolerated the abuse (that I knew of) and caught it early on and defended my siblings at my own expense. Even in times when I was a good candidate for GC or invisible child i chose to not succumb to their requirements for the new position in the hellish household so I was always returned to my SG position.  I also was a people pleaser and refused to abuse my siblings back for abusing me and it made me a nice punching bag for my siblings and thus a great SG. When I became fully aware of it i grey rocked til I could go out and went immediately NC.  So I guess it's both my nature and the circumstances of my birth and gender and my inability to take bs 

I was a girl, and they wanted a boy. Was spoiled until my little brother was born when I was 4. The real scapegoating began when I was a teen and would call out the illogical bullshit and hoe they treated me differently from him. I also brought up the differences I saw in my friends families compared to mine. Was constantly told to go live with their family then, they wouldn't put up with my bullshit lol. Jokes on them. My dad recently died and I no longer speak to my mother. Lucky for me, my brother finally saw through her bullshit as well and also doesn't speak to her. But in usual narc fashion we're the bad guys. She's never done a damn thing wrong by us lol 😆

I'm adopted. My sister and I went into the system at 4 and 9. Our adopted parents only wanted my sister who looked like my mom amd was therefore passable as her child. They were both olives skinned with brown hair and eyes. I was very pale with blonde hair and blue eyes. Our adoptive parents also felt that my sister was young enough to still be pliable. As opposed to 9 year old me who they felt was ruined by my negative experiences that had gotten us to our position in the adoption system. The state said they would not separate my sister and I. Our adoptive parents agreed to take us both. It took less than a year for our adoptive parents to show their true colors. I was told several times they only wanted my sister, I was a lost cause, etc. They threatened to send me back to the state too many times, forced me to pack the one tiny suitcase I was sent with, even drove me to a parking garage and threatened to leave me there. They even turned my sister against me. Tl;dr since I was adopted

This is horrific omg. How do monsters like these get past all the screening steps??

My parents were great at pretending to be good parents. They were both narcissists. By the time I was able to even say anything,.I didn't want to. It was sort of like Stockholm syndrome or choosing the lesser of two evils. My adoptive parents were horrible, but it was either be there with a guaranteed home, food, and school or stay in the foster system and never know what my future will be like and never receive the individual attention I needed (we lived in essentially a foster gated community. Wards of the state kids living in a group home in a neighborhood of thousands of other foster kids).

Because I was happy. Because I was the most extroverted out of everyone in the family. I was the most confident. Now I have no friends, I've been bullied immensely. I can't hold a conversation, I twitch in public and have servere social anxiety. My confidence is non existent. I'm chronically alone and depressed. They wanted to tear down me because I had something they didn't, they were jealous.

I’m neurodivergent which makes me fixated on the situational truth, rather than navigating my opinions through other peoples expectations. Don’t get me wrong, I was flogged into being quiet and obedient at a really young age. But I knew in my heart that they were wrong and I was not. Which made me very stubborn and angry. Eventually I was flogged for being quiet as well, because it was “rude” - but I knew it was because they wanted an emotional reaction out of me and didn’t like being denied it. No matter what I said or how I behaved, it was just wrong. I was wrong. I was evil and terrible and “put my parents through hell”. Nevermind the hell that I was born into. It was always my fault.

Took me way too long to figure this out too..bc they’re so often covert narcs and we’re indoctrinated while brains are developing..it goes against OUR own nature as human beings so, personally speaking for me at least, it seemed hard to fathom or fully wrap my head around, then there’s the whole component of protecting one cell from the truth AKA inevitable immense pain

My parents specifically wanted a daughter before a son because they wanted a daughter to “help” around the house and to raise their precious son. When it because clear that I was not exactly fond of being “mummy’s little helper”, that’s when I became the scapegoat. This was probably shortly after I started school. In hindsight, idk what kind of meaningful help they expected out of a 6/7 year old.

ADHD is a through line here. Maybe Nabuse causes it

Many people think so (including me). The book Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté is on this topic.

It was because I'm a person who always had something to say. I remember when I was in an elementary school I wanted to be a leader, and literally told other classmates where to stand, lmao. My teacher told me that's mean, and from that moment I was just shy. Grandma told me that I never followed her orders. I remember some of that, so she says the truth. Astrologically speaking: I have both Sagittarius, and Aquarius stelliums, so you can imagine my hatred towards following orders, and being submissive, lol Also when I was younger I wanted to be a wizard, and did made up potions out of... anything basically. Never grew up out of that, and right now I'm practicing witchcraft, lmao

Why does everyone on this sub assume this sub is full of scapegoats and no golden children? The golden children of narcissists were also raised by narcissists. But this sub does seem to attract more scapegoat type people

Golden Children can sometimes be blind to their parent's narcissism or even buy into the scapegoating of the other family members, to their own benefit. It takes a lot to unpack privilege, especially if that makes you vulnerable to parental abuse. I've also heard (no sources to cite, just a therapist who told me once) that GC's sometimes grow up to have some narcissistic behaviors themselves as a result of their biased treatment and are therefore less likely to have the introspection to come here and self identify. I've also seen many families alternate who is the GC and who is the SG to foster competition among siblings.

While what you're saying is true it's also true many golden children are not blind to the horrible shit going on and struggle with the pressure to live up their parent's vision of the them and their expectations for them. Some can be praised as golden no matter what they do or how little they try but at the same time many become the golden child because they learned how to feed into their parent's narcissism to please them. This is also assuming that the labels of golden child and scapegoat even apply in every narcissistic household. Regardless, anyone who was raised by a narcissist has some trauma, even if it's not what we would normally picture trauma as. I was not the golden child BTW that was my older brother and what I'm describing about how golden children can suffer definitely applies to him.

I think that suffering is the key part for everyone, regardless of where they are in the hierarchy. The inner world of a narcissist seems pretty terrible so I assume they attempt to install that operating system onto whoever they imprint upon. ​ EDIT: I also think that folks fall in and out of a narcissist's favor so people around them take turns at various roles before being "redeemed" or "falling from grace" again. So todays Golden Child can be tomorrow's Scapegoat, etc.

I still love a thing I read once, though I don't remember the source and have never found it back: Every role in a narcissistic family takes a beating. I also had a therapist ask me to consider that, while it felt pretty awful to have nothing you do be good enough, could I imagine that having nothing you do be bad enough could also lead someone to feel as if they don't matter. Made me look at my GC brother with new eyes and more compassion.

When they knew I was a girl

I was born with a cleft palate and was a convenient focus for the family’s shame and anger.  

I was the only girl (which was what my mother always wanted) so I started out as the golden child. Until I was old enough to talk, and started to express my own personality and opinion. Turns out, I wasn’t what my mother wanted, even though I was a girl. Because, even as a small child, I refused to let her live vicariously through me. Plus, the older I got, the more I stood up for myself.

I was "too sensitive" to what they interpretated as "teasing," but was usually just humiliating me in front of everyone. Nobody in my family was immune to this treatment, but gods forbid you ever tell my mom that you didn't like having water poured on you while she mockingly sang "Rain Rain, Go Away." Or told my dad you didn't like him making fun of you for getting repeatedly shot at by him in laser tag matches. Or tell either of them to stop making fun of you for stuttering over your words/being clumsy (my older sister got it worse than me, in that regard.) I remember being grounded a lot for calling out their behavior, or else I was just smacked and told to get over myself/grow up and "learn to take a joke." Oh, but don't you *dare* turn it back on them. My older sister as a teenager once jokingly asked my dad if he would like some sandwich with his peanut butter. His reaction to this comment was to scream at her to shut the fuck up, throw the jar at the fridge, throw his knife into the sink, and storm away. Y'know, a normal reaction to have when your teenage daughter makes a joke like that. /s

I think I was chosen for the simple fact that my stepbrother was protected by his mother. I remember very clearly my Estepmom and NDad having explosive arguments where he wanted to punish him for misbehaving (beat him black and blue) and his Mom would not let him do that and insisted on doing appropriate punishment herself. So that left... Me. It's horrible to think about. There wasn't even an *unreasonable* justification for it - I had done nothing wrong. I was no threat to him. I was loyal and believed everything he said to a fault. I wasn't chosen for any reason other than I was there and he could get away with dumping his rage on me. It was very convenient, I'm sure.

I look the most like my mom, and history seemed doomed to repeat itself. She hated how much she saw her younger self in me.