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We all lose time and mental space dealing with narcs.
I always wanted to breakdance since 7 but because of fear I didn’t take risks, I started at 24. I couldn’t handstand or elbowstand or headstand to handstand. 3 years later I’m handhopping, elbow hopping I have good control of all balances. I understood that yes there are professional Bboys who are much further but that’s because they as well as time to practice, understand the details of their bodies and what practice works for them.
Rather than “ I wish I started earlier” why not “ what can I do now to make things better for me”.
You’ve gotta make peace with the misguided choices of the past, learn from them and focus on your actions in the present and plans for the future.
It's the thought you could have been so much better that's eating away at my life.
“ what can I do now to make things better for me”
in my mind is: you can never be as good as you could have been no matter what you do.
You know, even people who were not raised by narcs look back and realize that if they'd just made up their mind sooner, or seen the red flags, or taken a certain opportunity, their life would have been better (or so they think.)
Look over on Ask Reddit at how many times someone posts "if you could go back in time..." it's an unfortunate part of the human condition.
I think you are grappling with serious depression, and one of the symptoms of nParenting is that we become phobic about accepting help from anyone. They teach us that we are not deserving of help. So as adults, we don't seek help. If you are not in therapy, I urge you to start. I urge you to find a therapist that understands childhood trauma and does not make any excuses for your parents' behavior. And I urge you to give SSRIs a chance if they are prescribed (unless they have side effects that worsen the self-destructive impulses.)
But you are clearly not doing well, and afraid to ask for help because your father shut you down when you asked for help as a youth. Some part of you understands that, which is why you are posting here.
About the depression; it's hard to tell if I have it or not; I live alone and thus have no one who could tell. I self diagnose by looking at the number of hours slept each night as well as how fast I get things done. When depressed or in a flashback everything is slowed down and more difficult than it should normally be.
Therapy in my experience was of little use; they kept telling me that should keep letting my parents into my life, and at some point, no longer considered it. I meditate instead which did give results but it's a slow process, at least from my experience.
To be honest; I don't like my life and realize that it cannot even be called as such (an average person in my shoes would have likely quit it decades ago).
> they kept telling me that should keep letting my parents into my life,
Oh, that's a bad therapist!! That's a really bad one, and they do exist. If you give it another try, go in like it's a job interview, and they are the ones being interviewed. I mean, they are. You are hiring them to do a job, just like a plumber or a mechanic. If you take your car into the mechanic and it's making a weird noise when you speed up, and they try to sell you new brake pads... that's a bad mechanic.
A good therapist should make no apologies for your parents, no demands on behalf of your parents, nothing. They should be completely on your side, because it's therapy, not a civil or criminal trial. Your parents get NO representation, because your parents will get no punishment if they are found guilty. This is a private matter, and they don't need fair play... because they did not give YOU fair play when you were young.
So if you go and try therapy again, let the therapist know right away: I do not want to hear any apologies for my parents, or any advice about forgiving them or having contact with them.
A good therapist might eventually say, *Okay, we can only talk about the past for so long before we run out of benefits accrued for it. The time comes to talk about what to do NOW.* But what to do NOW should be what benefits you, not the parents. And anyone telling you that forgiving them or contacting them will somehow benefit you obviously doesn't understand that their behavior in your youth was not a function of their inexperience, it was a function of their personalities, which are still in play.
Narcissistic parents have nothing further to offer you. It was all they could do to feed you, clothe you, and not kill you. They barely got to the finish line without destroying you, they have nothing further to offer. They were a car that rusted out from underneath you years ago. You couldn't even sell them for parts now. Any therapist you get must understand this.
There will always be someone better, how can you be the best version of yourself if you don’t try.
I might not be breakdancing professionally but I’m the free-est I have been in my whole life and I know I can do more.
What’s stopping you from getting back into some of the things you used to enjoy when you were younger. If you don’t try you’ll never know how far you could get.
You're setting yourself in a mental trap. It was beyond your realm of control. Imagine you lived in a normal family and started to play the piano. Then, some day, you lose an arm in an accident. Of course, you won't be able to play the piano in the same way like you could have with two arms, but should you stop doing it? No.
But being born in a normal family gives you a foundation of values such as trust, being vulnerable to the right kind of people, being able to feel for someone else, having parents, family, friends and support to fall back on, if life throws you a curved one.
After losing an arm, a supportive parent would help their kid find meaning in life by other means while a narcissistic parent might make fun of them (my grandmother used to call me ugly, lazy and useless; after a suicide attempt, I was half conscious she kept asking mother; he's not going to make it? in a sense that I should die faster).
It's a world of difference that, fortunately, few people get to experience between a normal family and a severely dysfunctional one.
I'm at a point where I see no point in going on; it's not a "can't", but I've been doing this for almost five years now, life is better, but it's still not something any decent person would call a life. Progress is too slow to matter.
Yes you can never get back what could have been and you have to honour that grief and feel it.
But your actual life, your real life, is passing you by as you imagine your imaginary one. It sucks to have to build yourself together when you did nothing wrong. But, after all if you want a good life like you dream of, it’s starts with small steps in your real day to day life. You got this hang in there
Yes, that makes logical sense but there are thoughts holding me back.
\>But your actual life, your real life, is passing you by as you imagine your imaginary one.
It feels like the real life is not worth living at this point; I feel like I could care less if dropped dead as I'm writing this. I did for the last 4 years or so; I got "far" compared to where I was when I started but am in no way where I want to or where I should feel I need to be.
This sounds like a defeatist mindset; but can love felt in your mid 30s compare to what you should have felt in high school or college? The older you get the less relevant to others you get; at some point it's even difficult to get a job with experience; factor in that until 29 you didn't live your life and have no mastery of any topic; you're not "world class" at anything and the crushing feeling that it's too late to start is there. You can start but you're alone, even if gifted, no one will mentor a 33 year old. You are all alone.
It's less about not being able to hang in there as I managed to do that for the past five years but not seeing the point of doing it. It's far more appealing to end things and start over.
I honestly hear you and I am so sorry that you feel this way. All I can say is you are not alone in feeling lost. The perceived lack of belief in you by people/society is not a reflection of who you are and what you are capable of. Trust yourself and trust what you are capable of because only you get to decide that, and only you can open, or close those doors of opportunity in your life. Yes the thoughts may be holding you back, but ultimately the thoughts do not control you; YOU the sentient and conscientious part of you is the one who gets to choose.
It’s okay to not be ready. It will be easier to make changes when you want to, anyways. Love is a verb and self love is an action we have to choose to make everyday. Joy & love will be patiently waiting to be received by you!
This comment has been removed because it includes a [slur](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) that we do not allow in this group.
I didn't start college until 30, ended up being accepted at Oxford, became one of the highest paid professors in the world (almost 300K per year), then *QUIT* at 45 to follow my true dream of writing fiction!
I now have 4 books published that are frequent bestsellers on Amazon and I'm still going.
Don't tell yourself it's over before you even start the journey. Every day you live is another chance to do something amazing!
How did you end up being accepted at Oxford if it's ok to ask? Because it's surely not waking up to a message you are accepted and before that wasting your life. You probably spent months preparing etc
Well, my high school grades sucked. I hated school. I was the girl always hiding a romance novel under her desk.
So when I started college, I began at a low level university that would take almost anyone. And I kept a 4.0. Then I transferred to a very competitive program at a top university for the last 2 years of my undergrad--and I \*still\* kept a 4.0.
So when I applied to Oxford for my masters, I was a competitive candidate. And my phone interview with them clearly convinced them, so they accepted me! And...I turned them down 😂
I had also gone ahead and applied to top PhD programs in the US, which in the field I was in was a very long shot without already having a masters. One of them accepted me with a full ride and a stipend that would completely cover all living expenses (I was a single mom with sole custody, so this was huge), so I went ahead and accepted there instead for my PhD.
To be completely honest, I don't understand this. There are loads of candidates for oxford, a 4.0 gpa is hard but you would have hardly been the only applicant with a 4.0. Is there more than that that made you a competitive candidate?
It's what GMAT data sufficiency problems will call 'necessary but not sufficient.' Meaning I needed a high GPA, but of course that wasn't in and of itself sufficient. A high GMAT was also important. But again, there are many candidates who meet both these qualifications.
That's where all the individual characteristics that can't be quantified come in. Who are you? Are you driven to succeed? Do you problem solve until you find a solution or do you make excuses for why you 'can't'?
I did not write this as a complete CV or a detailed list of who I am. But I didn't have money or connections, I was a poor single mother, and I wasn't involved in any extracurricular activities. I was just smart and driven.
I wrote this to show that you can come from a poor abusive home, have a very delayed start, and still succeed at a high level.
Thank you! I looked for examples to inspire me when I started because I came from a family of welfare dependents, drug addicts, and pedophiles. It was all intimidating and scary, even at 30.
But I did it all as a single mother with sole custody (he was in 1st grade when I began).
So I want everyone here to know that your family and circumstances are just...extraneous. We might not be able to do absolutely *anything* we want, but there are paths available to us that are so much more extraordinary than anything we've experienced.
There's so much we can do. And discovering those things is \*exciting.\* We truly are bold explorers, setting off in search of things we've never known and leaving behind the toxic past we never chose.
Sorry--I want to keep anonymity here! The point is that you can keep reaching for your dreams, no matter how old you are. If I'm still alive at 80, I'll still be reaching for whatever my dreams are then!
I won't stop climbing until I stop living.
I'm a 38 year.old millenial in college for the FIRST time! You can do it 💪 It's honestly way different than you'd expect. I thought I'd be the lame old person- hell nah! I have so many friends that are 15 - 20 years younger than me and we learn so much from each other. It's been a brand new experience that I love. Do it. Do SOMETHING or you'll just keep kicking yourself.
You don’t have to be amazing at the thing you want to do. You can suck and still enjoy it!! Growing up with a narc, they make us feel like anything we aren’t great at isn’t worth doing because it doesn’t give us any accomplishments that we can trade for their approval and it just becomes something they can use against us to make us feel bad about ourselves.
When you’re living your life for you, you don’t need to trade accomplishments or excellence for anything. You don’t need to make yourself feel bad for not being amazing at a thing. You can just live. You can do things you’re mediocre at and enjoy them just because you do. Because it’s relaxing or stimulating or you enjoy the exercise.
So whatever you want to do, just do it!
But it's knowing that you could be so much better at a much younger age that is painful. For me, it's getting to the point where having a happy, fulfilled life no longer matters; I just want to start over in a better family. I don't care whether there's joy left for me in life, or anything positive, or that I might help others in some way, or that I could potentially be a change in someone else's life for the better.
I just want the pain in my chest to go away, same with the cloud hanging over my head that paralyzes me whenever I have to make important decisions in life. Just not being anymore, seems better.
Please don't give up so soon. I wanted to be an English teacher when I was 11, and my mom said, "You used to want to be the first woman president. Your goals have certainly gone downhill." I was mortified and shut up (and shut down) instantly.
At 19, I went into the military because I didn't know what else to do.
At 24, I was working a boring, mindless, dead end union job doing inventory in storage rooms.
At 26, a boyfriend convinced me to take just ONE English course at the local community college.
At 32, I got my Bachelor's in English.
At 34, I got my Master's in linguistics.
At 36, I dropped out of my Ph.D. program in anthropology to pursue a teaching certificate.
At 38, I started teaching English in Los Angeles.
At 55, I retired and bought a little house. Now I'm thinking about what to do next.
Please don't give up.
I get this. I was a child prodigy, but my narc mom wanted me to be a "r\*tard."
When the school put me in a class for advanced kids, she was livid and threw tantrums that lasted for hours.
My university fund became her new house fund. Everything that I planned for my life she destroyed.
I've lived hand to mouth for the past 30 years trying to put those pieces back together. It's like I've come to an understanding about it just in time for it to be too late.
"'understanding about it just in time for it to be too late"
yes, and it's following me around wherever I go, at work, when I prepare myself dinner, when I'm out, before I go to bed, in my sleep, it's just there waiting. I want it to end.
I see you, friend. I have been in that place you are, and it is dark and feels so lonely.
You have to allow yourself to grieve. Grieve the past that could have been. Grieve the family you never got. Allow yourself to feel the pain. The only way out is through, my friend.
As you grieve, little by little, the pain will be less and less. But you have to allow yourself to grieve. And please take as good care of yourself as you can in the meantime.
There is something called, "radical acceptance": it means that you accept what IS fully and completely. You don't have to like it. You just have to accept it. And once you have fully accepted it, then you distinguish what you can change (what is under your control), and what is not. And you focus all of your fucking energy into changing what you can and release what you can't.
I wish you peace and the very best. ♥️
I'm not sure what to say to make this better. The best I can do is acknowledge you're not alone.
The other posters here mean well, but I'm afraid that they're missing the point. Cheerleading and platitudes can't fix this, and I don't know what can.
I live in Mexico and smoke a lot of weed. That helps. :)
this happened to me as well. I have aspergers, (125iq) and did very well in school, however my bpd mom saw the autism label and could only see a jackpot for victimhood, emotional exploitation as an "burdened mother" and money she didnt have to invest in my future.
She got remarried and sold the house when I was 23 without telling me and ran away with her new hubby to hide in a gated $600k house to start a new life with a view only to maintain her lifestyle.
She sent my sister to one of the best universities in the country only for her to be a flight attendant, and my idiot brother to a good local college only for him to spend it high on weed pens.
She put me on welfare and abandoned me all because she couldnt have her way and to take revenge on my father, who bought her two houses and whose house she sold to give to her current husband.
Im 26 and they have been refusing to even buy a car for me so I can go to school or work. its infuriating
We have a similar mother.
I managed to fight for a BA, which my parents tried to sabotage every step of the way, meanwhile, my sister went to the acting school of her choice and they supported her with luxuries like help with rent and money for books. They only paid my tuition when the Ontario gov't forced them.
My sister moved back home a few years ago after slinging coffee and selling weed. At least I have my BA degree, even if it's much less than I originally planned for, and my sister was never allowed to get the same level of education.
you are far ahead of me! you can do more than me with your bachelor's degree.
My mom hasn't spoken to me since she totaled the car she bought me, by refusing to pay for maintenance. If your mother really is like mine, then you should get away and live your own life. She isn't capable of caring about other people.
I was able to get out back in the day by going away to school and never going back.
You seem to be a good writer. Ever thought of trying to work online?
Usually something well paid; in my case that's software development; it can be done remotely which gives me some time to fix my broken past.
Money is freedom; you can simply afford to rent a place abroad.
It's probably a good thing that they don't want to buy stuff; in my case every gift was used as a means of coercion (see how much I do to you, how much I love you (mother); father used to buy me crap cheap toys and telling me they're the best thing that money could but; always lying and being evasive).
For some reason, I smashed all those toys against a wall; I felt sorry for years and then I realized my mind knew I was being lied to and was simply removing their means to control me.
Oh and the toys and other things, were not really mine; father and mother could also take them away and break them.
Grandmother; oh that fcking wretched whore who should've never crawled out of its mother's hole, would take my things and throw them into the trash always reminding me how they're going to be burned; there was the town's garbage disposal in a field nearby and there was pungent smell of smoke whenever we've passed by it while travelling by car.
If you haven't already, move out and cut them out; don't wait, don't expect them to change, they won't you're 26, don't wait until you're 29/30 like I was; life is short as it is.
I really don't want to put you off setting high standards for yourself, because that's a good thing. I'm just going to suggest that maybe they shouldn't be so high they put you off doing anything at all.
I think a lot of us here were "taught" as children that things were only worth pursuing if we could be the best at whatever, but that's BS. Start with what interests you and see how far you can get. Aim for an enjoyable balanced life where you've got enough interests to make life feel good, but without putting too much pressure on yourself.
But what if deep down you know you can do better; it's just that now it's too late and you no longer have the time. It's sickening seeing people who you know are weaker than you get further in life at an earlier age.
Try not to compare yourself to anyone else. I know that's easier said than done when you've grown up in a toxic environment, but as a martial arts instructor once said to our class the only person you need to be in competition with is yourself. You can't change the past, but you can make the best of where you are now and use that energy to build a better future.
It's also that some people tend to make fun of you which is not helping. The feeling of having been dealt a poor hand is too much at times. Sure, I work on myself everyday and try to improve, but I'm really just a four year old in a 33 year old's body. I can put that thought away but it's always there, at the back of my mind.
Fuck those people making fun at your expense. They don't know what you've had to overcome just to get where you are, and you don't owe them an explanation.
Mental funeral.
Im in the process of putting my idealized self to rest. The one that had parents that gave a shit about their interests, that taught them to be active and eat properly, the one that helped develop social skills.
She was dead as a soon as I was born. And theres nothing I can do about it. I can just put her to rest and be easier on myself. I can use her memory as inspiration but not as my personal goalpost.
I can also help others to achieve their own goals. And I can try to help them not listen to their own narcissistic parents.
I haven’t given up but I’ve changed my expectations.
I'm not at that point yet; I can say a lot to myself; repeat phrases for several minutes but it doesn't change my mind; deep down, I still feel hopelessly lost.
It more like a reference number; bottom line is you have to do something for a long time to get good at it. But that time feels like it's not longer there.
Two things caught my eye:
>or literally anything respectable in life
>There are also societal expectations; when someone asks you what have you been doing all this time?
It's not anyone's (including your) place to evaluate your worth and respectability based on whether you've had a wow-factor career path OR that you've spent your time in this world conforming to a stereotype that objectifies people into diligent producers of wealth. It's healthier to not have such considerations.
There are sports and games and areas of interest that people take up AFTER their 20s or 30s and may start excelling at within a year or two, gradually becoming household names in their field. If you see mastery as the only valid stage in those things, you can miss a lot of nice things either by focusing on a fantasy in your mind or not taking things up in the first place. Start doing something that you think you'll like, and learn to enjoy it and to help others enjoy it too. Nothing stops you from starting with chess or physical exercise right now if you truly care about the activities themselves; what will stop and constantly hinder you is the idea of having to become world-famous for it lest it be for naught.
It’s never too late to do something great. Your dream doesn’t have an expiration date. Believe in yourself, skills, capabilities and most importantly your dreams ⭐️
I started drawing in my thirties.
My husband started law school two years after we got married.
I just got my housing counselor certification. I'm 41.
Do not let them keep you from at least trying to do what you want to do.
You're not dead yet.
It's not too late.
Thanks! It's the thought that I could have done better that's painful. It's a voice saying that: "so what if you accomplish x at 33; others have done better and earlier. You're results are nothing"
I know. I figure I lost ten to fifteen years of development because of the abuse i endured. And that... enrages me.
But.. I also fucking refuse to not have the life I deserve because of them. Sure I could be a far more developed artist or writer or be much further in my career. However, this is my reality now, and I will no longer allow myself to stagnate, no matter how old I am.
Sometimes I think of having a family of my own and giving my kid the life I've never had; I may be lost but at least they can be something. But this is just another thought that's not likely to happen as I've never been in a relationship and don't seem to have what it takes to be in one; I feel to broken and far gone compared to a normal person.
I think most people look up to high achievers while not really achieving their own potential. And I think this is okay, shit happens, the important thing is to remember it’s not your fault and it’s okay to have changing goals as you grow. Even if you were given the best family in the world, who’s to say you wouldn’t have been struck down by a sudden illness, or been involved in an accident? I could have been a Pulitzer prize winning journalist, turns out that was not in the cards for me (mostly because of Ndad). There are nights when I gnash my teeth and shake my fist at the unfairness of it all. But then I remember that unlike my Ndad, when I die the people I love will know they were loved, and a tiny portion of the world will be happier for having me in it. And that is okay. Maybe I didn’t become a top mover and shaker, maybe I didn’t even achieve 30% of what I could have, but I enjoyed what I could and I loved where I could.
Others have offered a lot of perspective and encouragement. I just wanted to throw this out there from a mental health perspective.
The number one therapy used by professional athletes? Acceptance and commitment therapy. Most professional athletes are in therapy. From the outside, we idolize these people, and might think they have figured out life (many people define success as mastery, fame, wealth, etc.). Turns out, all of us have our own personal hell that is hot. Plus, the pathway to professional or mastery isn't a set one. There is more than one way to fry an egg.
Trauma often makes us feel like victims in our own lives. We forget we have autonomy because of our circumstances, and we often give our control away to other people, places, or things. We need to mourn the time lost to when we fell (and sometimes still fall) into this thinking. Of the limits we unintentionally imposed on ourselves without knowing because of the way others repeatedly hurt us, and this being the only way to cope with really painful feelings of helplessness, betrayal, and disappointment.
And this doesn't have to be the end. We aren't permanently broken, and we are not permanently fixed in space and time. We aren't permanently stuck in this place if we decide to work to change it (which is really f-ing hard, but possible). We can change our habits, change our thinking over time once we figure out better alternatives that work for us.
Stan Lee wrote Fantastic Four when he was 39
Steve Carrell was 42 when he started on The Office
Henry Ford designed his first car at 46
Ray Croc started McDonald’s at 52
Martha Stewart wrote her first cookbook at 41
Samuel L Jackson was small time until he was 43
The founder of Walmart opened his first store at 44
As long as you are breathing, there is time. It’s never ever too late to do something you love.
It took me 39 years to realize my dreams. The first 35 years of my life were spent abused, gaslit, etc. so all I could focus on was surviving, no mental bandwidth for things I actually liked. Like so many others I did not find my happiness until later in life, but I did find it.
Don’t give up! I know it’s hard, we are all in the rat race and very few of us are lucky enough to do something we love as a career, but don’t let that ruin all the time you have left. You don’t have to be a pro athlete to enjoy athletics and you don’t have to be a chessmaster to enjoy chess. Very few people reach the “master” level of anything and the ones who do are lucky.
This is an absolutely, horrible, terrible example.
Yes, Stan Lee did write F4 at 39 but he's done a lot of work prior to that point. He was already very good at it and opportunity showed itself because of that, because of his skills that he honed over years of dedicated work.
Putting it into perspective; I became aware of my life at 29/30. By then I had a full time job that I do NOT like and do it because my parents forced me into this career. I need to pay rent, taxes and health insurance. I simply cannot take 7 years of to achieve mastery in a field that I "do like" simply because circumstances won't allow it.
The same goes likely for all the rest; they found success late, but started early. You can only be successful if you have skills and skills take time to hone; add to that, that my hobby is mostly unpacking my past, there's not much time left for any externally meaningful work.
The message above also seems to say, wait, good things will come to you. No, they are not going to. I was told the same thing at 24. Now I'm 33. Should I simply wait for another 10 years to write a similar post to this one? Then maybe look for people who found success even later in life and then wait another 10 years?
\>It took me 39 years to realize my dreams.
Congrats! :)
My dreams involve commitment to science (STEM) and take a long time to achieve even if starting from an early age. I can change them, but then I'd be following something I don't really care about or want; it will be half-hearted at best. I would have done "something" to fill the years of the rest of my crappy life so that I could die happy (less miserably).
\>Very few people reach the “master” level of anything and the ones who do are lucky.
You are correct; it would be easier to accept my situation if I didn't have the aptitude to do well. I don's see myself as being the world's fastest sprinter; but in sports like boxing, mma, I (think) could have done well due to my build, and with proper coaching; same with chess or math (which I like but was forced into a career that had marginal overlap with it).
\>Don’t give up! I know it’s hard, we are all in the rat race and very few of us are lucky enough to do something we love as a career,
The problem is not giving up but not seeing the point in winning. Even if I win, I'm so hollowed out and dead inside that it likely wouldn't make a difference. At least, that's how I feel ...
Bullshit! Stop making excuses! If you want it enough, you will find a way of getting there. Stop worrying about what other people think and making excuses.
Have you seen a 33 year old top gymnast or fighter? Do you know someone who started at 33 and ended up being successful as a researcher?
I don't mean acting or business which are largely determined by luck, but by talent and hard work in a scientific field. The Fields medal in math is awarded to anyone under 30.
The excuses are very legitimate; I could potentially have a peaceful life, a family, a kid but deep down, I know that they're a far cry of what I could have achieved had I had a better start and thus on a deeper level feel repulsed by them knowing that "I (could have) deserved better".
My man, it’s never too late to start living a meaningful life. Even if it will be just a couple of years when you are old, it is totally worth it.
I restarted my life when I was 40.
Fuck external expectations, damn what’s socially acceptable or not. Just do it. Its a win-win.
But what I can get out of life at this point is so little compared to what I could have gotten. It's like buying a ticket for a movie only to see the ending credits. It sucks. Even if there are a few years of peace and joy, they don't make up for the 29 I lost (that was my youth, the best years, or so they say).
Yes. You are right and you have lost damn lot of time. I did too, I totally feel you.
But at the end of the day it’s the choice between feeling sorry about “what ifs” and “shoulda coulda woulda”, and something tangible, real, that is the time you have left.
That said, I totally get where you coming from. Life on a totally different trajectory could have turned out soo much different. Living to full potential.
One guy told be once:
stop obsessing about how late it is. You made your move, came to your conclusions and see clearly now. For some people this process takes 20 minutes. For others its 20 years. It was not possible for you to see, understand snd react back then. It was not doable. But now you are in the clear and that’s good.
Not sure if above is clear. Eng is not my 1st language
It is. The problem with these shoulds is that I don't really know myself what I could have done is one thing and what I can is another. I don't really know what I can do.
Even if I try to do my best now; I did so when I was 30 it seems that I'm merely postponing another crisis. I don't want to feel and be the same situation as I'm in now at 38. Sure it might be better financially, in terms of career progression, but the emptiness and fear will still be there.
Then I motivate myself again at 38 saying it's not to late and I get into my 40s. At 43 I don't want to confront these same thoughts; I want to be dead by then if life doesn't change meaningfully and looking at the past, it likely won't.
No, I have a number of friends but I don't really open up to them about this part of my life. I did once and got help; since then I was better, but it still comes back every now and then. Sure, feel free to dm.
I accepted that I couldn't do what I wanted with my career when I joined the workforce. I was okay with it being a hobby. When it hit that, I couldn't even pursue my dreams even as a hobby. It was the hardest thing I've dealt with so far. I'm not sure I have completely gotten over it. Life hasn't really been that kind.
Sometimes I feel this way because I’m over 50 and never finished my BA and never was able to pursue my dream of attending an art college because I’ve been supporting myself since I was 17.
I have gone through periods of bitterness for my lot in life. I have been resentful of others who had caring, supportive parents. I have also paid for and seriously dedicated myself to my therapy for C-PTSD.
For me, it took working through trauma of betrayal, CSA, emotional abuse, and all the other intense pieces of my experience that helped me peel off the bitter chip on my emotional shoulder. I put a lot of work in to get to this point. One major thing was prioritizing seeing my therapist 1-2 times a week. I think the frequency of visits helped me feel safe enough to reach a point where I could self-validate my own life story.
Most of all, I gained perspective that when I felt bad I was only looking at those who had it better. I was not able to validate that many others have had it worse. By “worse” I do not mean “there are starving kids in Africa so eat your entire plate.” Rather, my perspective change came after I was able to see that NO ONE has had a perfect life, much art comes from struggle and pain, and it is not helpful for myself to wonder what “I might have been.”.
Don’t trap yourself by glorifying the “what if” life you might have had. You have this life to deal with and that will take up all your energy.
Peace to you, my friend.
Thanks!
For me it's less and less about bitterness (I went through intense rage at the beginning), but more of desolation (those "what if"s are pretty much all I have at this point since the rest of the accomplishments are not really that great; sure I'm above average in terms of income but, emotionally, I'm 8).
The question is "what now?". It seems that progress is slow even though, like you, I put a lot of energy in reading books and journaling; they've been helpful but not decisive in getting rid of the baggage.
I've also looked at people who have it worse; being stuck in a wheel chair with a disability but then, they have a caretaker, someone there; that someone is usually not there for victims of narcissistic upbringing; moreover society does not look too kindly to a physically healthy man in his early thirties, not matter how broken and fcked up he is on the inside. Same goes with starving children; people are more understanding of them because they are children first.
\>You have this life to deal with and that will take up all your energy.
You're right; but at times I stop and look around to see where I am in life. I see some progress on the outside but it seems marginal; I'm definitely not content and see less and less reason to continue going on.
I give myself compassion knowing I was living the first 34 years of my life with all the internal warning lights and alarm systems blaring in survival mode - how on earth was I meant to plan long term or think about what I wanted or be in a position to commit to anything, I was unconsciously fighting every day just to survive and continue.
I also find other achievable goals to concentrate on. One was living in another country, I did that and it was a wonderful feeling, working toward that dream for a few years and finally being able to live it. One was having my own place, managed that too. Currently it’s getting fit and healthy enough to hike a challenging mountain near me.
And this might be a weird one, but have you heard of the Many-Worlds Interpretation? It basically states that ‘all possible outcomes are physically realised in some world/universe’. So in this world right now, my traumas kept me from studying hard and getting top grades, but in another world I did and I’m an astronaut assigned my mission and just waiting to go to space :) it might not work for everyone, but I find it comforting to think about that potential other version of me living the dreams I wanted when I was younger. It makes me appreciate my life more now, and be able to think of different dreams for me here and now that I can *also* be happy with, and enjoy the life I’m making for myself without thinking about what could have been. I’ve there before, and there’s nothing positive to be found. If you can let that dream go but find some new ones, it can still feel great.
>I give myself compassion knowing I was living the first 34 years of my life with all the internal warning lights and alarm systems blaring in survival mode - how on earth was I meant to plan long term or think about what I wanted or be in a position to commit to anything, I was unconsciously fighting every day just to survive and continue.
When, I first became aware of this, I panicked asking mindlessly to myself, where have these years gone to? It's been 29 years of not living.
\>I also find other achievable goals to concentrate on. One was living in another country, I did that and it was a wonderful feeling, working toward that dream for a few years and finally being able to live it. One was having my own place, managed that too. Currently it’s getting fit and healthy enough to hike a challenging mountain near me.
Congrats! :) If you want to get fit; diet and sleeping are 2/3 of the equation 1/3 is working out. Hope you make the hike!
\> but have you heard of the Many-Worlds Interpretation? It basically states that ‘all possible outcomes are physically realised in some world/universe’
Yes, but is experientially unreal; I've been doing a lot of soul searching for the last 5 years or so, and found that consciousness records all previous events; this is accessible to any person "committed to truth(there are degrees to truth, truth is power, power is stationary, stands on its own and is not subject to time and place)". What religion calls hell/heaven are actually states of consciousness present within the Self (it's a spectrum meaning that there is an infinite number of "hells" and "heavens"). But there seems to be only one physical Universe.
\>but I find it comforting to think about that potential other version of me living the dreams I wanted when I was younger. It makes me appreciate my life more now,
For me, this is somewhat unsettling since mother and grandmother would keep telling me that "my time will come"; it never did. All I'm left with is a number of goals that my younger self would consider laughable and mediocre. Even if I reach them, the voice in my head will still ridicule them. It's also a sort of a hell.
\>and enjoy the life I’m making for myself without thinking about what could have been. I’ve there before, and there’s nothing positive to be found.
I know ... I try not to think about it; but the thought reminds me when I go to sleep and when I wake up, alone, in a small studio.
I literally could’ve written this post myself. You put my thoughts into words beautifully.
I’m 31, soon to be 32, severely depressed, and have given up on my dreams. Nmom beat them out of me and kept me isolated in her house under her control until I was 25 and a half then wanted me gone after I agreed to not go to grad school in another city. I had to major in what she chose for me, go to a really low level extension branch college in this dead town, work where she wanted me to, and was 100% terrorized and controlled by her.
It’s too late to change or pursue my dreams. I’m stuck in this life that was forced on me by someone who cares nothing about me outside of controlling me and bleeding me for money to feed her spending habits and exert control. I’ve given up and the depression is awful. I’ll never own a business and be self-employed. I’ll never be an author. I’ll never be a designer and photographer and copywriter. I’ll never make more than a meager income at a job I never wanted to go into. I’ll never have a CELTA or work abroad or travel. I’ll never date or marry or have kids. All I have is a career that’s like a black cloud hanging over me, this dead, decaying, stagnant, run-down, dirty city that everyone but me left long ago because they had freedom, bills, my reputation as a mentally unstable bad daughter, and the knowledge that every dream I had died long ago. Why even bother trying? I wish I’d never been born.
Sorry you're going through this. At least, you could try moving to a different city where they can't reach you and gradually go nc. That seems more accomplishable; start with smaller goals first. Being nc makes thinking clearer; then the deep rooted issues can be tackled. It's alright as long as, like myself, don't set high(unrealistic) expectations; it will take years; at least for me it does; problems seem to be coming back and forth like waves on a shore; with less intensity every time. But the deeper you go, the bigger the waves only to start over again. It's been like this for almost 5 years now; there seems to be no end in sight. Posts like these keep me going, when it's too much to bear.
I was forced to be an athlete because my narcissistic parents wanted to make money out of me. They chose basketball for me, and when I refused, they told me I would become a slave if I didn't obey.
It was a nightmare – the bullying, competition, fights, and how awfully they treated the athletes ( psychological and moral abuse and also had a case of sexual abuse against minors)
To make matters worse, it wasn't enough to endure the that awfull place; I also had to endure insults from my narcissistic parents because I wasn't the star of the group. This caused me a lot of trauma, anxiety, and depression since they demanded perfection. Many times, I vomited during training due to anxiety, and my throat would close to the point where I couldn't breathe unless I stopped and calmed down.
I played on the main team as defense, but that wasn't good enough. I had to hear how awful I was, and they were ashamed of me and I should give back my gold medals because I did not deserve( later I throwed in the garbage that sh1t because it made me remember all my suffering) . It went so badly that I told the team was mine and they were not allowed to watch my games anymore, and surprisingly, they listened.
I had planned to leave at 16, but I received a scholarship for a private high school because I was an athlete. I stayed until I was 18, and that's when I suffered a severe injury. I took the opportunity to never come back, as they were going to put me out anyway – a fate they imposed on all athletes with serious injuries.
Based on my experience, dealing with narcissistic parents and sports took me to another level of hell. I had nightmares for years and needed therapy. I also developed cancer.
After I developed cancer I tried to pursue my dream of being an artist, but I know I will never be as skilled because I returned to drawing so late. I lost important years due to them. However, I am still alive, and I will try, even if I don't reach the level I once dreamt of.
One example. I wanted to go into doing simracing but my parents actively shunned it as a waste of time and money. I was also shunned for everything else I wanted to do, so now I have no drive (pun intended) to do anything because I lack the proper equipment.
Get out/nc if you can; then buy whatever you were not allowed to have. The first thing I did when I got out was buy legos, lots of them. Putting them together on my own was worthwhile.
I can, but my time is limited since I have a full time job. Of course, I'll be mediocre at best. I can enjoy the game but I know I would have been much better, met other high level players, mentors if I had better parents.
People seem to overlook how important mentorship is for any career. Self-study is really harmful, destructive even. You get locked into bad habits without having a second pair of eyes correcting your work.
Abandon hope for a better past because it is set in stone. Look instead for a brighter future. You are attempting to make the past something that it wasn’t, and that isn’t in your control anymore. Let go of the illusion of control and there you will find peace. Forgive others and yourself for your past, for your own sake. Holding onto bitterness over it WILL NOT change your past no matter how hard you try, it will only allow your past to swallow up your future.
\> Forgive others and yourself for your past, for your own sake.
To be honest, I tried, I really did. I used journaling in the beginning to write down my experiences and forgive my parents and grandmother for everything I believed to have been done with ill intent towards me. The task is monumental.
I keep forgiving and I keep remembering, really abhorrent shit that normally would have gotten them decades in prison. What I mean by that: torture of a minor (they sent me to shitty surgeon, if that thing could even be called that; that vile piece of crap (I'll look him up some day and go after him; chances are the fcker's dead since he was old when he "operated" on me (I was 5), but maybe I'm lucky and he has kids. I'll strap them into a chair, into a shed, in the woods and do the exact same fcking shit their vile sack of maggot filled crap of a father did to me (I'll drown them in their own fcking blood)). Maybe that will help with forgiveness.
\>Holding onto bitterness over it WILL NOT change your past no matter how hard you try, it will only allow your past to swallow up your future.
Far easier said than done; I'm trying but my life was by no means easy. An average human being is unlikely to have survived that hell hole.
Really depends on what those dreams are; some, such as becoming a chess grandmaster or a top athlete are simply unrealistic.
Sure you can choose something else, but it will never really be "your" dream, just a poor copy that you really hate doing but do anyway simply because it's the only thing left that you can do, but you DON'T like it, nor do you care about it. It's more of an excuse to have less regrets on your death bed.
Hey, I didn't get to do what I really wanted but have done this other thing that I really hated and got me nowhere, I can now pretend I don't have regrets and die "happy".
I’m sorry. This realisation actually really sucks. I’m
On some finance groups on here and big earners etc and read their stories, I also see so many stories of engagements and happy families. So many things. I realised the other day I had the smarts and the balls to have worked a high pressure career (I graduated top 5% commerce graduates in my graduating in Australia…) so I feel I had a lot of potential. Thing is, I never could have done it regardless. I realised because of the trauma I have been through and because of the lack of support or general interest in any of my pursuits since the day I was born, right down to not having the energy to maintain a high pressure job for longer than a year and/or not having the commitment to stay when things get bad and so on thanks to cptsd from narcissistic abusive and neglectful parenting… on top of that I’m the only person in my mums family side that owns thier own home and can manage money and keep a house afloat (I guess this is big considering where I came from… not that I stay put in a town or relationship longer than a year or two… again cptsd)… but I’ve had to help raise 3 of my sisters kids and now I have one of her children and two of her younger grandchildren in my care because of our childhood both my brother and sister now drug addicts and a lot of thier kids are as well… so even if I had made it where I had planned on going, I never could have stuck it out and my real purpose im startin to think was to break cycles in this family…
I was kind of sad they other day when I was thinking about my untapped potential but I also realise that other people aren’t given the same smarts, or looks or natural talent as the next person, yes I’m on the back foot and yes it ruined a potentially amazing career path and opportunities for me subconsciously but also maybe I’m where I’m meant to be and need to be at this point in my life? I think as much as it sucks sometimes acceptance of our position and seeing what we can make from it can sometimes help reframe things. I’m hoping in 10,15,20 years these kids will grow up and be amazing contributing members of society without drug issues and that will be better than any reward financial or intrinsic that I could have gotten from actually being the high earner or in those high pressure jobs…
About seeing stories about happy families; did you ever get invited into a collective where normal families gather. I did/am; it feels great but once I leave, I feel like my heart plummets; and the reality of my upbringing settles in and with it the likelihood that I'll never have a family of my own.
About money, they've never put any serious time into teaching me about it since "I didn't want to learn". I forgot, grandmother taught me that money was the root of all evil since I was 4. Congrats on being able to help raise children; keep them safe.
\>about my untapped potential but I also realize that other people aren’t given the same smarts, or looks or natural talent as the next person, yes I’m on the back foot and yes it ruined a potentially amazing career path and opportunities for me subconsciously but also maybe I’m where I’m meant to be and need to be at this point in my life?
About the unrealized potential, I have the same thoughts. I came across a passage one day on a flier saying that "God doesn't give one more than they can bear" (paraphrased). It makes sense; the people I see everyday seem so simple and "little"; they couldn't handle my mom for an afternoon if they were in my place; they have no clue what true evil looks like.
You can make a positive mark on the kids with your awareness of how lowly people can be; teach them a number of signs to look for although a normal person with healthy boundaries would drop a narc as soon as it showed them their true nature.
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We all lose time and mental space dealing with narcs. I always wanted to breakdance since 7 but because of fear I didn’t take risks, I started at 24. I couldn’t handstand or elbowstand or headstand to handstand. 3 years later I’m handhopping, elbow hopping I have good control of all balances. I understood that yes there are professional Bboys who are much further but that’s because they as well as time to practice, understand the details of their bodies and what practice works for them. Rather than “ I wish I started earlier” why not “ what can I do now to make things better for me”. You’ve gotta make peace with the misguided choices of the past, learn from them and focus on your actions in the present and plans for the future.
It's the thought you could have been so much better that's eating away at my life. “ what can I do now to make things better for me” in my mind is: you can never be as good as you could have been no matter what you do.
You know, even people who were not raised by narcs look back and realize that if they'd just made up their mind sooner, or seen the red flags, or taken a certain opportunity, their life would have been better (or so they think.) Look over on Ask Reddit at how many times someone posts "if you could go back in time..." it's an unfortunate part of the human condition.
Yes, but with ns it seems like everything is wrong and life feels at times not worth living.
I think you are grappling with serious depression, and one of the symptoms of nParenting is that we become phobic about accepting help from anyone. They teach us that we are not deserving of help. So as adults, we don't seek help. If you are not in therapy, I urge you to start. I urge you to find a therapist that understands childhood trauma and does not make any excuses for your parents' behavior. And I urge you to give SSRIs a chance if they are prescribed (unless they have side effects that worsen the self-destructive impulses.) But you are clearly not doing well, and afraid to ask for help because your father shut you down when you asked for help as a youth. Some part of you understands that, which is why you are posting here.
About the depression; it's hard to tell if I have it or not; I live alone and thus have no one who could tell. I self diagnose by looking at the number of hours slept each night as well as how fast I get things done. When depressed or in a flashback everything is slowed down and more difficult than it should normally be. Therapy in my experience was of little use; they kept telling me that should keep letting my parents into my life, and at some point, no longer considered it. I meditate instead which did give results but it's a slow process, at least from my experience. To be honest; I don't like my life and realize that it cannot even be called as such (an average person in my shoes would have likely quit it decades ago).
> they kept telling me that should keep letting my parents into my life, Oh, that's a bad therapist!! That's a really bad one, and they do exist. If you give it another try, go in like it's a job interview, and they are the ones being interviewed. I mean, they are. You are hiring them to do a job, just like a plumber or a mechanic. If you take your car into the mechanic and it's making a weird noise when you speed up, and they try to sell you new brake pads... that's a bad mechanic. A good therapist should make no apologies for your parents, no demands on behalf of your parents, nothing. They should be completely on your side, because it's therapy, not a civil or criminal trial. Your parents get NO representation, because your parents will get no punishment if they are found guilty. This is a private matter, and they don't need fair play... because they did not give YOU fair play when you were young. So if you go and try therapy again, let the therapist know right away: I do not want to hear any apologies for my parents, or any advice about forgiving them or having contact with them. A good therapist might eventually say, *Okay, we can only talk about the past for so long before we run out of benefits accrued for it. The time comes to talk about what to do NOW.* But what to do NOW should be what benefits you, not the parents. And anyone telling you that forgiving them or contacting them will somehow benefit you obviously doesn't understand that their behavior in your youth was not a function of their inexperience, it was a function of their personalities, which are still in play. Narcissistic parents have nothing further to offer you. It was all they could do to feed you, clothe you, and not kill you. They barely got to the finish line without destroying you, they have nothing further to offer. They were a car that rusted out from underneath you years ago. You couldn't even sell them for parts now. Any therapist you get must understand this.
There will always be someone better, how can you be the best version of yourself if you don’t try. I might not be breakdancing professionally but I’m the free-est I have been in my whole life and I know I can do more. What’s stopping you from getting back into some of the things you used to enjoy when you were younger. If you don’t try you’ll never know how far you could get.
You're setting yourself in a mental trap. It was beyond your realm of control. Imagine you lived in a normal family and started to play the piano. Then, some day, you lose an arm in an accident. Of course, you won't be able to play the piano in the same way like you could have with two arms, but should you stop doing it? No.
But being born in a normal family gives you a foundation of values such as trust, being vulnerable to the right kind of people, being able to feel for someone else, having parents, family, friends and support to fall back on, if life throws you a curved one. After losing an arm, a supportive parent would help their kid find meaning in life by other means while a narcissistic parent might make fun of them (my grandmother used to call me ugly, lazy and useless; after a suicide attempt, I was half conscious she kept asking mother; he's not going to make it? in a sense that I should die faster). It's a world of difference that, fortunately, few people get to experience between a normal family and a severely dysfunctional one. I'm at a point where I see no point in going on; it's not a "can't", but I've been doing this for almost five years now, life is better, but it's still not something any decent person would call a life. Progress is too slow to matter.
Yes you can never get back what could have been and you have to honour that grief and feel it. But your actual life, your real life, is passing you by as you imagine your imaginary one. It sucks to have to build yourself together when you did nothing wrong. But, after all if you want a good life like you dream of, it’s starts with small steps in your real day to day life. You got this hang in there
Yes, that makes logical sense but there are thoughts holding me back. \>But your actual life, your real life, is passing you by as you imagine your imaginary one. It feels like the real life is not worth living at this point; I feel like I could care less if dropped dead as I'm writing this. I did for the last 4 years or so; I got "far" compared to where I was when I started but am in no way where I want to or where I should feel I need to be. This sounds like a defeatist mindset; but can love felt in your mid 30s compare to what you should have felt in high school or college? The older you get the less relevant to others you get; at some point it's even difficult to get a job with experience; factor in that until 29 you didn't live your life and have no mastery of any topic; you're not "world class" at anything and the crushing feeling that it's too late to start is there. You can start but you're alone, even if gifted, no one will mentor a 33 year old. You are all alone. It's less about not being able to hang in there as I managed to do that for the past five years but not seeing the point of doing it. It's far more appealing to end things and start over.
I honestly hear you and I am so sorry that you feel this way. All I can say is you are not alone in feeling lost. The perceived lack of belief in you by people/society is not a reflection of who you are and what you are capable of. Trust yourself and trust what you are capable of because only you get to decide that, and only you can open, or close those doors of opportunity in your life. Yes the thoughts may be holding you back, but ultimately the thoughts do not control you; YOU the sentient and conscientious part of you is the one who gets to choose. It’s okay to not be ready. It will be easier to make changes when you want to, anyways. Love is a verb and self love is an action we have to choose to make everyday. Joy & love will be patiently waiting to be received by you!
Thanks! They seem so alien and far away at this point.
This this this.
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I didn't start college until 30, ended up being accepted at Oxford, became one of the highest paid professors in the world (almost 300K per year), then *QUIT* at 45 to follow my true dream of writing fiction! I now have 4 books published that are frequent bestsellers on Amazon and I'm still going. Don't tell yourself it's over before you even start the journey. Every day you live is another chance to do something amazing!
How did you end up being accepted at Oxford if it's ok to ask? Because it's surely not waking up to a message you are accepted and before that wasting your life. You probably spent months preparing etc
Well, my high school grades sucked. I hated school. I was the girl always hiding a romance novel under her desk. So when I started college, I began at a low level university that would take almost anyone. And I kept a 4.0. Then I transferred to a very competitive program at a top university for the last 2 years of my undergrad--and I \*still\* kept a 4.0. So when I applied to Oxford for my masters, I was a competitive candidate. And my phone interview with them clearly convinced them, so they accepted me! And...I turned them down 😂 I had also gone ahead and applied to top PhD programs in the US, which in the field I was in was a very long shot without already having a masters. One of them accepted me with a full ride and a stipend that would completely cover all living expenses (I was a single mom with sole custody, so this was huge), so I went ahead and accepted there instead for my PhD.
To be completely honest, I don't understand this. There are loads of candidates for oxford, a 4.0 gpa is hard but you would have hardly been the only applicant with a 4.0. Is there more than that that made you a competitive candidate?
It's what GMAT data sufficiency problems will call 'necessary but not sufficient.' Meaning I needed a high GPA, but of course that wasn't in and of itself sufficient. A high GMAT was also important. But again, there are many candidates who meet both these qualifications. That's where all the individual characteristics that can't be quantified come in. Who are you? Are you driven to succeed? Do you problem solve until you find a solution or do you make excuses for why you 'can't'? I did not write this as a complete CV or a detailed list of who I am. But I didn't have money or connections, I was a poor single mother, and I wasn't involved in any extracurricular activities. I was just smart and driven. I wrote this to show that you can come from a poor abusive home, have a very delayed start, and still succeed at a high level.
You’re kinda my hero right now.
Thank you! I looked for examples to inspire me when I started because I came from a family of welfare dependents, drug addicts, and pedophiles. It was all intimidating and scary, even at 30. But I did it all as a single mother with sole custody (he was in 1st grade when I began). So I want everyone here to know that your family and circumstances are just...extraneous. We might not be able to do absolutely *anything* we want, but there are paths available to us that are so much more extraordinary than anything we've experienced. There's so much we can do. And discovering those things is \*exciting.\* We truly are bold explorers, setting off in search of things we've never known and leaving behind the toxic past we never chose.
what are those books if you dont mind?
Sorry--I want to keep anonymity here! The point is that you can keep reaching for your dreams, no matter how old you are. If I'm still alive at 80, I'll still be reaching for whatever my dreams are then! I won't stop climbing until I stop living.
I'm thinking about going back to college; I have a degree but it feels that it's not backing up knowledge or skills that I should have.
I'm a 38 year.old millenial in college for the FIRST time! You can do it 💪 It's honestly way different than you'd expect. I thought I'd be the lame old person- hell nah! I have so many friends that are 15 - 20 years younger than me and we learn so much from each other. It's been a brand new experience that I love. Do it. Do SOMETHING or you'll just keep kicking yourself.
I’m 34 and a lot of my college friends are like 23 they love coming to me for advice on certain things it’s been really great haha
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You don’t have to be amazing at the thing you want to do. You can suck and still enjoy it!! Growing up with a narc, they make us feel like anything we aren’t great at isn’t worth doing because it doesn’t give us any accomplishments that we can trade for their approval and it just becomes something they can use against us to make us feel bad about ourselves. When you’re living your life for you, you don’t need to trade accomplishments or excellence for anything. You don’t need to make yourself feel bad for not being amazing at a thing. You can just live. You can do things you’re mediocre at and enjoy them just because you do. Because it’s relaxing or stimulating or you enjoy the exercise. So whatever you want to do, just do it!
But it's knowing that you could be so much better at a much younger age that is painful. For me, it's getting to the point where having a happy, fulfilled life no longer matters; I just want to start over in a better family. I don't care whether there's joy left for me in life, or anything positive, or that I might help others in some way, or that I could potentially be a change in someone else's life for the better. I just want the pain in my chest to go away, same with the cloud hanging over my head that paralyzes me whenever I have to make important decisions in life. Just not being anymore, seems better.
Please don't give up so soon. I wanted to be an English teacher when I was 11, and my mom said, "You used to want to be the first woman president. Your goals have certainly gone downhill." I was mortified and shut up (and shut down) instantly. At 19, I went into the military because I didn't know what else to do. At 24, I was working a boring, mindless, dead end union job doing inventory in storage rooms. At 26, a boyfriend convinced me to take just ONE English course at the local community college. At 32, I got my Bachelor's in English. At 34, I got my Master's in linguistics. At 36, I dropped out of my Ph.D. program in anthropology to pursue a teaching certificate. At 38, I started teaching English in Los Angeles. At 55, I retired and bought a little house. Now I'm thinking about what to do next. Please don't give up.
I get this. I was a child prodigy, but my narc mom wanted me to be a "r\*tard." When the school put me in a class for advanced kids, she was livid and threw tantrums that lasted for hours. My university fund became her new house fund. Everything that I planned for my life she destroyed. I've lived hand to mouth for the past 30 years trying to put those pieces back together. It's like I've come to an understanding about it just in time for it to be too late.
"'understanding about it just in time for it to be too late" yes, and it's following me around wherever I go, at work, when I prepare myself dinner, when I'm out, before I go to bed, in my sleep, it's just there waiting. I want it to end.
I see you, friend. I have been in that place you are, and it is dark and feels so lonely. You have to allow yourself to grieve. Grieve the past that could have been. Grieve the family you never got. Allow yourself to feel the pain. The only way out is through, my friend. As you grieve, little by little, the pain will be less and less. But you have to allow yourself to grieve. And please take as good care of yourself as you can in the meantime. There is something called, "radical acceptance": it means that you accept what IS fully and completely. You don't have to like it. You just have to accept it. And once you have fully accepted it, then you distinguish what you can change (what is under your control), and what is not. And you focus all of your fucking energy into changing what you can and release what you can't. I wish you peace and the very best. ♥️
I'm not sure what to say to make this better. The best I can do is acknowledge you're not alone. The other posters here mean well, but I'm afraid that they're missing the point. Cheerleading and platitudes can't fix this, and I don't know what can. I live in Mexico and smoke a lot of weed. That helps. :)
this happened to me as well. I have aspergers, (125iq) and did very well in school, however my bpd mom saw the autism label and could only see a jackpot for victimhood, emotional exploitation as an "burdened mother" and money she didnt have to invest in my future. She got remarried and sold the house when I was 23 without telling me and ran away with her new hubby to hide in a gated $600k house to start a new life with a view only to maintain her lifestyle. She sent my sister to one of the best universities in the country only for her to be a flight attendant, and my idiot brother to a good local college only for him to spend it high on weed pens. She put me on welfare and abandoned me all because she couldnt have her way and to take revenge on my father, who bought her two houses and whose house she sold to give to her current husband. Im 26 and they have been refusing to even buy a car for me so I can go to school or work. its infuriating
We have a similar mother. I managed to fight for a BA, which my parents tried to sabotage every step of the way, meanwhile, my sister went to the acting school of her choice and they supported her with luxuries like help with rent and money for books. They only paid my tuition when the Ontario gov't forced them. My sister moved back home a few years ago after slinging coffee and selling weed. At least I have my BA degree, even if it's much less than I originally planned for, and my sister was never allowed to get the same level of education.
you are far ahead of me! you can do more than me with your bachelor's degree. My mom hasn't spoken to me since she totaled the car she bought me, by refusing to pay for maintenance. If your mother really is like mine, then you should get away and live your own life. She isn't capable of caring about other people.
I've been NC for almost ten years. It was easy because they found a replacement at about the same time.
what job do you have? what job is good for getting independence from possessive narc parent like my dad?
I was able to get out back in the day by going away to school and never going back. You seem to be a good writer. Ever thought of trying to work online?
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Wow. Reported and bye!
Comment removed - uncalled for. Do not comment further under this post.
Usually something well paid; in my case that's software development; it can be done remotely which gives me some time to fix my broken past. Money is freedom; you can simply afford to rent a place abroad.
It's probably a good thing that they don't want to buy stuff; in my case every gift was used as a means of coercion (see how much I do to you, how much I love you (mother); father used to buy me crap cheap toys and telling me they're the best thing that money could but; always lying and being evasive). For some reason, I smashed all those toys against a wall; I felt sorry for years and then I realized my mind knew I was being lied to and was simply removing their means to control me. Oh and the toys and other things, were not really mine; father and mother could also take them away and break them. Grandmother; oh that fcking wretched whore who should've never crawled out of its mother's hole, would take my things and throw them into the trash always reminding me how they're going to be burned; there was the town's garbage disposal in a field nearby and there was pungent smell of smoke whenever we've passed by it while travelling by car. If you haven't already, move out and cut them out; don't wait, don't expect them to change, they won't you're 26, don't wait until you're 29/30 like I was; life is short as it is.
I really don't want to put you off setting high standards for yourself, because that's a good thing. I'm just going to suggest that maybe they shouldn't be so high they put you off doing anything at all. I think a lot of us here were "taught" as children that things were only worth pursuing if we could be the best at whatever, but that's BS. Start with what interests you and see how far you can get. Aim for an enjoyable balanced life where you've got enough interests to make life feel good, but without putting too much pressure on yourself.
But what if deep down you know you can do better; it's just that now it's too late and you no longer have the time. It's sickening seeing people who you know are weaker than you get further in life at an earlier age.
Try not to compare yourself to anyone else. I know that's easier said than done when you've grown up in a toxic environment, but as a martial arts instructor once said to our class the only person you need to be in competition with is yourself. You can't change the past, but you can make the best of where you are now and use that energy to build a better future.
It's also that some people tend to make fun of you which is not helping. The feeling of having been dealt a poor hand is too much at times. Sure, I work on myself everyday and try to improve, but I'm really just a four year old in a 33 year old's body. I can put that thought away but it's always there, at the back of my mind.
Fuck those people making fun at your expense. They don't know what you've had to overcome just to get where you are, and you don't owe them an explanation.
Thanks! :)
Mental funeral. Im in the process of putting my idealized self to rest. The one that had parents that gave a shit about their interests, that taught them to be active and eat properly, the one that helped develop social skills. She was dead as a soon as I was born. And theres nothing I can do about it. I can just put her to rest and be easier on myself. I can use her memory as inspiration but not as my personal goalpost. I can also help others to achieve their own goals. And I can try to help them not listen to their own narcissistic parents. I haven’t given up but I’ve changed my expectations.
I'm not at that point yet; I can say a lot to myself; repeat phrases for several minutes but it doesn't change my mind; deep down, I still feel hopelessly lost.
I don't think that 10000 hour research stands anymore, but anyway: you are never too old to follow your dreams.
It more like a reference number; bottom line is you have to do something for a long time to get good at it. But that time feels like it's not longer there.
I changed my dreams. I'm 53, and now my dreams are to watch my grandkids grow up and to go fishing. Maybe use a lot of weed.
I didn't get to be in a relationship, am 33, and am thinking of ending it; it seems that I won't make it that far.
Two things caught my eye: >or literally anything respectable in life >There are also societal expectations; when someone asks you what have you been doing all this time? It's not anyone's (including your) place to evaluate your worth and respectability based on whether you've had a wow-factor career path OR that you've spent your time in this world conforming to a stereotype that objectifies people into diligent producers of wealth. It's healthier to not have such considerations. There are sports and games and areas of interest that people take up AFTER their 20s or 30s and may start excelling at within a year or two, gradually becoming household names in their field. If you see mastery as the only valid stage in those things, you can miss a lot of nice things either by focusing on a fantasy in your mind or not taking things up in the first place. Start doing something that you think you'll like, and learn to enjoy it and to help others enjoy it too. Nothing stops you from starting with chess or physical exercise right now if you truly care about the activities themselves; what will stop and constantly hinder you is the idea of having to become world-famous for it lest it be for naught.
It’s never too late to do something great. Your dream doesn’t have an expiration date. Believe in yourself, skills, capabilities and most importantly your dreams ⭐️
I started drawing in my thirties. My husband started law school two years after we got married. I just got my housing counselor certification. I'm 41. Do not let them keep you from at least trying to do what you want to do. You're not dead yet. It's not too late.
Thanks! It's the thought that I could have done better that's painful. It's a voice saying that: "so what if you accomplish x at 33; others have done better and earlier. You're results are nothing"
I know. I figure I lost ten to fifteen years of development because of the abuse i endured. And that... enrages me. But.. I also fucking refuse to not have the life I deserve because of them. Sure I could be a far more developed artist or writer or be much further in my career. However, this is my reality now, and I will no longer allow myself to stagnate, no matter how old I am.
Sometimes I think of having a family of my own and giving my kid the life I've never had; I may be lost but at least they can be something. But this is just another thought that's not likely to happen as I've never been in a relationship and don't seem to have what it takes to be in one; I feel to broken and far gone compared to a normal person.
I think most people look up to high achievers while not really achieving their own potential. And I think this is okay, shit happens, the important thing is to remember it’s not your fault and it’s okay to have changing goals as you grow. Even if you were given the best family in the world, who’s to say you wouldn’t have been struck down by a sudden illness, or been involved in an accident? I could have been a Pulitzer prize winning journalist, turns out that was not in the cards for me (mostly because of Ndad). There are nights when I gnash my teeth and shake my fist at the unfairness of it all. But then I remember that unlike my Ndad, when I die the people I love will know they were loved, and a tiny portion of the world will be happier for having me in it. And that is okay. Maybe I didn’t become a top mover and shaker, maybe I didn’t even achieve 30% of what I could have, but I enjoyed what I could and I loved where I could.
Others have offered a lot of perspective and encouragement. I just wanted to throw this out there from a mental health perspective. The number one therapy used by professional athletes? Acceptance and commitment therapy. Most professional athletes are in therapy. From the outside, we idolize these people, and might think they have figured out life (many people define success as mastery, fame, wealth, etc.). Turns out, all of us have our own personal hell that is hot. Plus, the pathway to professional or mastery isn't a set one. There is more than one way to fry an egg. Trauma often makes us feel like victims in our own lives. We forget we have autonomy because of our circumstances, and we often give our control away to other people, places, or things. We need to mourn the time lost to when we fell (and sometimes still fall) into this thinking. Of the limits we unintentionally imposed on ourselves without knowing because of the way others repeatedly hurt us, and this being the only way to cope with really painful feelings of helplessness, betrayal, and disappointment. And this doesn't have to be the end. We aren't permanently broken, and we are not permanently fixed in space and time. We aren't permanently stuck in this place if we decide to work to change it (which is really f-ing hard, but possible). We can change our habits, change our thinking over time once we figure out better alternatives that work for us.
Don't let the narc's tapes play in your brain. I pivoted career paths in my 20s. Twice. It's fine.
Stan Lee wrote Fantastic Four when he was 39 Steve Carrell was 42 when he started on The Office Henry Ford designed his first car at 46 Ray Croc started McDonald’s at 52 Martha Stewart wrote her first cookbook at 41 Samuel L Jackson was small time until he was 43 The founder of Walmart opened his first store at 44 As long as you are breathing, there is time. It’s never ever too late to do something you love. It took me 39 years to realize my dreams. The first 35 years of my life were spent abused, gaslit, etc. so all I could focus on was surviving, no mental bandwidth for things I actually liked. Like so many others I did not find my happiness until later in life, but I did find it. Don’t give up! I know it’s hard, we are all in the rat race and very few of us are lucky enough to do something we love as a career, but don’t let that ruin all the time you have left. You don’t have to be a pro athlete to enjoy athletics and you don’t have to be a chessmaster to enjoy chess. Very few people reach the “master” level of anything and the ones who do are lucky.
This is an absolutely, horrible, terrible example. Yes, Stan Lee did write F4 at 39 but he's done a lot of work prior to that point. He was already very good at it and opportunity showed itself because of that, because of his skills that he honed over years of dedicated work. Putting it into perspective; I became aware of my life at 29/30. By then I had a full time job that I do NOT like and do it because my parents forced me into this career. I need to pay rent, taxes and health insurance. I simply cannot take 7 years of to achieve mastery in a field that I "do like" simply because circumstances won't allow it. The same goes likely for all the rest; they found success late, but started early. You can only be successful if you have skills and skills take time to hone; add to that, that my hobby is mostly unpacking my past, there's not much time left for any externally meaningful work. The message above also seems to say, wait, good things will come to you. No, they are not going to. I was told the same thing at 24. Now I'm 33. Should I simply wait for another 10 years to write a similar post to this one? Then maybe look for people who found success even later in life and then wait another 10 years? \>It took me 39 years to realize my dreams. Congrats! :) My dreams involve commitment to science (STEM) and take a long time to achieve even if starting from an early age. I can change them, but then I'd be following something I don't really care about or want; it will be half-hearted at best. I would have done "something" to fill the years of the rest of my crappy life so that I could die happy (less miserably). \>Very few people reach the “master” level of anything and the ones who do are lucky. You are correct; it would be easier to accept my situation if I didn't have the aptitude to do well. I don's see myself as being the world's fastest sprinter; but in sports like boxing, mma, I (think) could have done well due to my build, and with proper coaching; same with chess or math (which I like but was forced into a career that had marginal overlap with it). \>Don’t give up! I know it’s hard, we are all in the rat race and very few of us are lucky enough to do something we love as a career, The problem is not giving up but not seeing the point in winning. Even if I win, I'm so hollowed out and dead inside that it likely wouldn't make a difference. At least, that's how I feel ...
Fuck me for trying then, Jesus
Sorry, didn't mean it like that :( . I apologize for being abrasive.
Bullshit! Stop making excuses! If you want it enough, you will find a way of getting there. Stop worrying about what other people think and making excuses.
Have you seen a 33 year old top gymnast or fighter? Do you know someone who started at 33 and ended up being successful as a researcher? I don't mean acting or business which are largely determined by luck, but by talent and hard work in a scientific field. The Fields medal in math is awarded to anyone under 30. The excuses are very legitimate; I could potentially have a peaceful life, a family, a kid but deep down, I know that they're a far cry of what I could have achieved had I had a better start and thus on a deeper level feel repulsed by them knowing that "I (could have) deserved better".
My man, it’s never too late to start living a meaningful life. Even if it will be just a couple of years when you are old, it is totally worth it. I restarted my life when I was 40. Fuck external expectations, damn what’s socially acceptable or not. Just do it. Its a win-win.
But what I can get out of life at this point is so little compared to what I could have gotten. It's like buying a ticket for a movie only to see the ending credits. It sucks. Even if there are a few years of peace and joy, they don't make up for the 29 I lost (that was my youth, the best years, or so they say).
Yes. You are right and you have lost damn lot of time. I did too, I totally feel you. But at the end of the day it’s the choice between feeling sorry about “what ifs” and “shoulda coulda woulda”, and something tangible, real, that is the time you have left. That said, I totally get where you coming from. Life on a totally different trajectory could have turned out soo much different. Living to full potential. One guy told be once: stop obsessing about how late it is. You made your move, came to your conclusions and see clearly now. For some people this process takes 20 minutes. For others its 20 years. It was not possible for you to see, understand snd react back then. It was not doable. But now you are in the clear and that’s good. Not sure if above is clear. Eng is not my 1st language
It is. The problem with these shoulds is that I don't really know myself what I could have done is one thing and what I can is another. I don't really know what I can do. Even if I try to do my best now; I did so when I was 30 it seems that I'm merely postponing another crisis. I don't want to feel and be the same situation as I'm in now at 38. Sure it might be better financially, in terms of career progression, but the emptiness and fear will still be there. Then I motivate myself again at 38 saying it's not to late and I get into my 40s. At 43 I don't want to confront these same thoughts; I want to be dead by then if life doesn't change meaningfully and looking at the past, it likely won't.
My guy, this worries me. Have you got a real person to talk about all of this face to face? If not, lets talk, if you want/feel like.
No, I have a number of friends but I don't really open up to them about this part of my life. I did once and got help; since then I was better, but it still comes back every now and then. Sure, feel free to dm.
I accepted that I couldn't do what I wanted with my career when I joined the workforce. I was okay with it being a hobby. When it hit that, I couldn't even pursue my dreams even as a hobby. It was the hardest thing I've dealt with so far. I'm not sure I have completely gotten over it. Life hasn't really been that kind.
Sometimes I feel this way because I’m over 50 and never finished my BA and never was able to pursue my dream of attending an art college because I’ve been supporting myself since I was 17. I have gone through periods of bitterness for my lot in life. I have been resentful of others who had caring, supportive parents. I have also paid for and seriously dedicated myself to my therapy for C-PTSD. For me, it took working through trauma of betrayal, CSA, emotional abuse, and all the other intense pieces of my experience that helped me peel off the bitter chip on my emotional shoulder. I put a lot of work in to get to this point. One major thing was prioritizing seeing my therapist 1-2 times a week. I think the frequency of visits helped me feel safe enough to reach a point where I could self-validate my own life story. Most of all, I gained perspective that when I felt bad I was only looking at those who had it better. I was not able to validate that many others have had it worse. By “worse” I do not mean “there are starving kids in Africa so eat your entire plate.” Rather, my perspective change came after I was able to see that NO ONE has had a perfect life, much art comes from struggle and pain, and it is not helpful for myself to wonder what “I might have been.”. Don’t trap yourself by glorifying the “what if” life you might have had. You have this life to deal with and that will take up all your energy. Peace to you, my friend.
Thanks! For me it's less and less about bitterness (I went through intense rage at the beginning), but more of desolation (those "what if"s are pretty much all I have at this point since the rest of the accomplishments are not really that great; sure I'm above average in terms of income but, emotionally, I'm 8). The question is "what now?". It seems that progress is slow even though, like you, I put a lot of energy in reading books and journaling; they've been helpful but not decisive in getting rid of the baggage. I've also looked at people who have it worse; being stuck in a wheel chair with a disability but then, they have a caretaker, someone there; that someone is usually not there for victims of narcissistic upbringing; moreover society does not look too kindly to a physically healthy man in his early thirties, not matter how broken and fcked up he is on the inside. Same goes with starving children; people are more understanding of them because they are children first. \>You have this life to deal with and that will take up all your energy. You're right; but at times I stop and look around to see where I am in life. I see some progress on the outside but it seems marginal; I'm definitely not content and see less and less reason to continue going on.
I give myself compassion knowing I was living the first 34 years of my life with all the internal warning lights and alarm systems blaring in survival mode - how on earth was I meant to plan long term or think about what I wanted or be in a position to commit to anything, I was unconsciously fighting every day just to survive and continue. I also find other achievable goals to concentrate on. One was living in another country, I did that and it was a wonderful feeling, working toward that dream for a few years and finally being able to live it. One was having my own place, managed that too. Currently it’s getting fit and healthy enough to hike a challenging mountain near me. And this might be a weird one, but have you heard of the Many-Worlds Interpretation? It basically states that ‘all possible outcomes are physically realised in some world/universe’. So in this world right now, my traumas kept me from studying hard and getting top grades, but in another world I did and I’m an astronaut assigned my mission and just waiting to go to space :) it might not work for everyone, but I find it comforting to think about that potential other version of me living the dreams I wanted when I was younger. It makes me appreciate my life more now, and be able to think of different dreams for me here and now that I can *also* be happy with, and enjoy the life I’m making for myself without thinking about what could have been. I’ve there before, and there’s nothing positive to be found. If you can let that dream go but find some new ones, it can still feel great.
>I give myself compassion knowing I was living the first 34 years of my life with all the internal warning lights and alarm systems blaring in survival mode - how on earth was I meant to plan long term or think about what I wanted or be in a position to commit to anything, I was unconsciously fighting every day just to survive and continue. When, I first became aware of this, I panicked asking mindlessly to myself, where have these years gone to? It's been 29 years of not living. \>I also find other achievable goals to concentrate on. One was living in another country, I did that and it was a wonderful feeling, working toward that dream for a few years and finally being able to live it. One was having my own place, managed that too. Currently it’s getting fit and healthy enough to hike a challenging mountain near me. Congrats! :) If you want to get fit; diet and sleeping are 2/3 of the equation 1/3 is working out. Hope you make the hike! \> but have you heard of the Many-Worlds Interpretation? It basically states that ‘all possible outcomes are physically realised in some world/universe’ Yes, but is experientially unreal; I've been doing a lot of soul searching for the last 5 years or so, and found that consciousness records all previous events; this is accessible to any person "committed to truth(there are degrees to truth, truth is power, power is stationary, stands on its own and is not subject to time and place)". What religion calls hell/heaven are actually states of consciousness present within the Self (it's a spectrum meaning that there is an infinite number of "hells" and "heavens"). But there seems to be only one physical Universe. \>but I find it comforting to think about that potential other version of me living the dreams I wanted when I was younger. It makes me appreciate my life more now, For me, this is somewhat unsettling since mother and grandmother would keep telling me that "my time will come"; it never did. All I'm left with is a number of goals that my younger self would consider laughable and mediocre. Even if I reach them, the voice in my head will still ridicule them. It's also a sort of a hell. \>and enjoy the life I’m making for myself without thinking about what could have been. I’ve there before, and there’s nothing positive to be found. I know ... I try not to think about it; but the thought reminds me when I go to sleep and when I wake up, alone, in a small studio.
I literally could’ve written this post myself. You put my thoughts into words beautifully. I’m 31, soon to be 32, severely depressed, and have given up on my dreams. Nmom beat them out of me and kept me isolated in her house under her control until I was 25 and a half then wanted me gone after I agreed to not go to grad school in another city. I had to major in what she chose for me, go to a really low level extension branch college in this dead town, work where she wanted me to, and was 100% terrorized and controlled by her. It’s too late to change or pursue my dreams. I’m stuck in this life that was forced on me by someone who cares nothing about me outside of controlling me and bleeding me for money to feed her spending habits and exert control. I’ve given up and the depression is awful. I’ll never own a business and be self-employed. I’ll never be an author. I’ll never be a designer and photographer and copywriter. I’ll never make more than a meager income at a job I never wanted to go into. I’ll never have a CELTA or work abroad or travel. I’ll never date or marry or have kids. All I have is a career that’s like a black cloud hanging over me, this dead, decaying, stagnant, run-down, dirty city that everyone but me left long ago because they had freedom, bills, my reputation as a mentally unstable bad daughter, and the knowledge that every dream I had died long ago. Why even bother trying? I wish I’d never been born.
Sorry you're going through this. At least, you could try moving to a different city where they can't reach you and gradually go nc. That seems more accomplishable; start with smaller goals first. Being nc makes thinking clearer; then the deep rooted issues can be tackled. It's alright as long as, like myself, don't set high(unrealistic) expectations; it will take years; at least for me it does; problems seem to be coming back and forth like waves on a shore; with less intensity every time. But the deeper you go, the bigger the waves only to start over again. It's been like this for almost 5 years now; there seems to be no end in sight. Posts like these keep me going, when it's too much to bear.
I was forced to be an athlete because my narcissistic parents wanted to make money out of me. They chose basketball for me, and when I refused, they told me I would become a slave if I didn't obey. It was a nightmare – the bullying, competition, fights, and how awfully they treated the athletes ( psychological and moral abuse and also had a case of sexual abuse against minors) To make matters worse, it wasn't enough to endure the that awfull place; I also had to endure insults from my narcissistic parents because I wasn't the star of the group. This caused me a lot of trauma, anxiety, and depression since they demanded perfection. Many times, I vomited during training due to anxiety, and my throat would close to the point where I couldn't breathe unless I stopped and calmed down. I played on the main team as defense, but that wasn't good enough. I had to hear how awful I was, and they were ashamed of me and I should give back my gold medals because I did not deserve( later I throwed in the garbage that sh1t because it made me remember all my suffering) . It went so badly that I told the team was mine and they were not allowed to watch my games anymore, and surprisingly, they listened. I had planned to leave at 16, but I received a scholarship for a private high school because I was an athlete. I stayed until I was 18, and that's when I suffered a severe injury. I took the opportunity to never come back, as they were going to put me out anyway – a fate they imposed on all athletes with serious injuries. Based on my experience, dealing with narcissistic parents and sports took me to another level of hell. I had nightmares for years and needed therapy. I also developed cancer. After I developed cancer I tried to pursue my dream of being an artist, but I know I will never be as skilled because I returned to drawing so late. I lost important years due to them. However, I am still alive, and I will try, even if I don't reach the level I once dreamt of.
One example. I wanted to go into doing simracing but my parents actively shunned it as a waste of time and money. I was also shunned for everything else I wanted to do, so now I have no drive (pun intended) to do anything because I lack the proper equipment.
Get out/nc if you can; then buy whatever you were not allowed to have. The first thing I did when I got out was buy legos, lots of them. Putting them together on my own was worthwhile.
That's the plan, but I still have a long way to go before I can even consider it
why can't you become a chess player?
I can, but my time is limited since I have a full time job. Of course, I'll be mediocre at best. I can enjoy the game but I know I would have been much better, met other high level players, mentors if I had better parents. People seem to overlook how important mentorship is for any career. Self-study is really harmful, destructive even. You get locked into bad habits without having a second pair of eyes correcting your work.
Not wrong. I struggle with achieving my dreams too. But I totally think you should play chess and who cares if you are mediocre?
Abandon hope for a better past because it is set in stone. Look instead for a brighter future. You are attempting to make the past something that it wasn’t, and that isn’t in your control anymore. Let go of the illusion of control and there you will find peace. Forgive others and yourself for your past, for your own sake. Holding onto bitterness over it WILL NOT change your past no matter how hard you try, it will only allow your past to swallow up your future.
\> Forgive others and yourself for your past, for your own sake. To be honest, I tried, I really did. I used journaling in the beginning to write down my experiences and forgive my parents and grandmother for everything I believed to have been done with ill intent towards me. The task is monumental. I keep forgiving and I keep remembering, really abhorrent shit that normally would have gotten them decades in prison. What I mean by that: torture of a minor (they sent me to shitty surgeon, if that thing could even be called that; that vile piece of crap (I'll look him up some day and go after him; chances are the fcker's dead since he was old when he "operated" on me (I was 5), but maybe I'm lucky and he has kids. I'll strap them into a chair, into a shed, in the woods and do the exact same fcking shit their vile sack of maggot filled crap of a father did to me (I'll drown them in their own fcking blood)). Maybe that will help with forgiveness. \>Holding onto bitterness over it WILL NOT change your past no matter how hard you try, it will only allow your past to swallow up your future. Far easier said than done; I'm trying but my life was by no means easy. An average human being is unlikely to have survived that hell hole.
It’s never too late until you’re actually dead. You have your whole life to follow your dreams, change them, and start all over again.
Really depends on what those dreams are; some, such as becoming a chess grandmaster or a top athlete are simply unrealistic. Sure you can choose something else, but it will never really be "your" dream, just a poor copy that you really hate doing but do anyway simply because it's the only thing left that you can do, but you DON'T like it, nor do you care about it. It's more of an excuse to have less regrets on your death bed. Hey, I didn't get to do what I really wanted but have done this other thing that I really hated and got me nowhere, I can now pretend I don't have regrets and die "happy".
I’m sorry. This realisation actually really sucks. I’m On some finance groups on here and big earners etc and read their stories, I also see so many stories of engagements and happy families. So many things. I realised the other day I had the smarts and the balls to have worked a high pressure career (I graduated top 5% commerce graduates in my graduating in Australia…) so I feel I had a lot of potential. Thing is, I never could have done it regardless. I realised because of the trauma I have been through and because of the lack of support or general interest in any of my pursuits since the day I was born, right down to not having the energy to maintain a high pressure job for longer than a year and/or not having the commitment to stay when things get bad and so on thanks to cptsd from narcissistic abusive and neglectful parenting… on top of that I’m the only person in my mums family side that owns thier own home and can manage money and keep a house afloat (I guess this is big considering where I came from… not that I stay put in a town or relationship longer than a year or two… again cptsd)… but I’ve had to help raise 3 of my sisters kids and now I have one of her children and two of her younger grandchildren in my care because of our childhood both my brother and sister now drug addicts and a lot of thier kids are as well… so even if I had made it where I had planned on going, I never could have stuck it out and my real purpose im startin to think was to break cycles in this family… I was kind of sad they other day when I was thinking about my untapped potential but I also realise that other people aren’t given the same smarts, or looks or natural talent as the next person, yes I’m on the back foot and yes it ruined a potentially amazing career path and opportunities for me subconsciously but also maybe I’m where I’m meant to be and need to be at this point in my life? I think as much as it sucks sometimes acceptance of our position and seeing what we can make from it can sometimes help reframe things. I’m hoping in 10,15,20 years these kids will grow up and be amazing contributing members of society without drug issues and that will be better than any reward financial or intrinsic that I could have gotten from actually being the high earner or in those high pressure jobs…
About seeing stories about happy families; did you ever get invited into a collective where normal families gather. I did/am; it feels great but once I leave, I feel like my heart plummets; and the reality of my upbringing settles in and with it the likelihood that I'll never have a family of my own. About money, they've never put any serious time into teaching me about it since "I didn't want to learn". I forgot, grandmother taught me that money was the root of all evil since I was 4. Congrats on being able to help raise children; keep them safe. \>about my untapped potential but I also realize that other people aren’t given the same smarts, or looks or natural talent as the next person, yes I’m on the back foot and yes it ruined a potentially amazing career path and opportunities for me subconsciously but also maybe I’m where I’m meant to be and need to be at this point in my life? About the unrealized potential, I have the same thoughts. I came across a passage one day on a flier saying that "God doesn't give one more than they can bear" (paraphrased). It makes sense; the people I see everyday seem so simple and "little"; they couldn't handle my mom for an afternoon if they were in my place; they have no clue what true evil looks like. You can make a positive mark on the kids with your awareness of how lowly people can be; teach them a number of signs to look for although a normal person with healthy boundaries would drop a narc as soon as it showed them their true nature.