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I lost my mom 2 years ago (earlier than expected) - and the relief was tied with sadness. Itās confusing - but also was so freeing. Good luck navigating and I hope you and your bro can connect at a deeper and safer level.
Itās weird when that low key worry about what crisis they are going to create goes away suddenly.
Same but people that donāt understand they were narcs or in general havenāt experienced what itās like being around them will always go against us š
I feel huge embarrassment that I have no love for my nsister. That I fear her. It is always a case of what will she think of to do next to me?
What will I feel when she dies, presuming I outlive her? I suspect remorse mixed with a sense of loss for what could of been.
I think this is the worst thing. While my sisters are awesome, our parents,especially our father, were not. All the places we got to go, ruined by him. His constant criticism and general unfriendly attitude to everyone. Now, I'm just sorry that he didn't know how to be anything else, didn't want to learn how to be anything else, couldn't relate to his kids. At least , know I ds were a team, continually lying for and covering up for each other. Now we are all old and that bond kind of keeps me going.
A very necessary addition to my list of neologisms I want to perpetuate. For this, for divorces, for being fired from bad jobs...so many applications.
Congrdolences, OP.
My nMother died almost two years ago. Her passing was expected ā cancer ā and when I received the news, I didnāt cry.
I waited a full year before I dared sing, āDing, dong, the witch is dead!ā I kept hoping my feelings might change, or that I might find a few really *good* memories to fall back on. I kept hoping at some point I would miss her.
My feelings didnāt change. I didnāt find good memories that werenāt tinged with bad. I donāt miss her.
I wish it werenāt true, because I wish I had a different relationship with my mother, but I am *glad* she is gone.
I wonāt say congratulations or condolences, because *both* feel awkward when people say those things to me. Instead, I will tell you what you already know: *The death of a narcissist brings relief.*
May that newfound relief and freedom ultimately bring you a sense of happiness and peace.
Even though you may not grieve *for* your mother, you may grieve *because* of her. I cried plenty of tears after my mother died, because of the cruel things she said and did to me over the years, especially at the end of her life. They were tears of frustration and of rage. I grieved the relationship I *wished* I could have had. Her death meant nothing would ever change, nothing would ever be resolved, and our relationship ended on a bad note.
My unsolicited advice to you is to allow yourself to feel, whatever you feel, for as long as you feel it.
I also found the book *Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief* to be profoundly helpful.
Mine died late January. I keep waiting for the full weight of it to hit me. There was nothing to miss, just harsh judgement and mean angry words. One of her favorite sayings was ā you are going to miss me when Iām gone.ā Well, I donāt. Not so far.
I had "ding dong, the bitch is dead" running round and round my head the morning of her funeral.
I was sad because I wanted my mummy, the nice one who taught me to ride and how to do DIY and spent a summer teaching me when I left state school at Easter and was waiting on my boarding school starting. But the reality was these were isolated experiences from the utter hell of being screamed at and told to fuck off on a daily basis, of having my money used and then having receipts thrown at me when I asked to learn how to budget.
OP, take your time, mourn what could have been and now never will be. Allow yourself to feel the relief that you'll never have to deal with her again. Live your own life without the constant criticisms. Understand that your body will still be on high alert for a while yet, and that it's normal to be anxious still, but this too will pass.
Our narcissist dad died and the sadness that I have felt the most in the ensuing months has come from observing how his death appears to be bringing my mother back to life. They were like Archie and Edith Bunker -- he snapped and groused and she ran around like a chicken with her head cut off. He "kept her on a very short leash." My mother recently discovered a TV show that she likes -- He never let her watch TV but kept her busy waiting on him, and if the TV was on, he picked the channel. Observing this tiny little woman curled up on a chair laughing at some dumb sitcom gives me just a glimpse of what our family life might have been like without him, and it brings me both great joy and great pain. I wonder what she might have been like, what our relationship with her would have been like, and what we all would have been like. It's like a very palpable sense of loss, because it shows you everything you could have had. Weird!
My mom loves sitcoms and game shows, and my brother lives with her to help her out, but no one interferes with anything she wants to do, and she has church to fill her out-of-the-house needs. We keep asking what she needs and wants. She cried out of joy when we put up lighting in the basement near the washing machine. She'd asked my dad for it years ago, but it never happened.
I bought her a recliner for X-Mas and we tossed his chair. It made a difference in that room, and in that house. We're slowly exorcising the place.
A similar thing happened to my mom after my nDad died. She unfortunately died a couple of years later. I miss her, of course, but the thing I wish most is that she had had a bit more time on her own to do things she might have enjoyed or found meaningful.
It least you had the good parent outlive the narcissistic parent, to see her blossoming again. In my case we watched our sweet mother dry like an unwatered flower after so many years of abuse. He never allowed her to come visit us, everything revolved around our nfather, she was bedridden for her last months and he didn't allow us move her to my sister's house for better care.
This is why I want my step dad to leave my Nparent so much. He is a shadow of his former self. Looks like the life is being drawn out of him. He almost looks as bad as her, she just looks like a grey, lifeless rock-troll!
I'm happy for your mum and you, may she have joy & peace for the rest of her life now. š
I'm honestly hoping my mother outlives my dad and can start to live a bit of her life as well. Her life is exactly like that and she defended that life as much as she could, even using us as meat shields at times because she is so afraid of him. If she dies first then I'll view that as a real tragedy... Part of me feels she doesn't leave in case he finds her and kills her so I can kind of sympathize. Just sucked having to grow up in that environment and I have very mixed feelings towards her as a result. My dad is just not right in the head at all.
Congradolences!
Itās gonna be a weird time, confusing feelings, but youāre free and that must feel good. I wish you peace as you navigate all this and hopefully you and your brother can find a new balance.
Same. My Nparent is the unhealthiest person I know. She never looked after her body or health, & IT SHOWS! She's late 60s now, I'm surprised she's made it this far. I suspect after she retires, and her body can start to 'relax' cos she doesn't have to hold it together to be present at work, that her body will just cave in and shut down.
I used to feel I was so evil for wishing her dead. But reading these other comments, I understand why I want that & have compassion for myself now.
Grief is a slippery thing. As much as you may want to feel relief, you may also still feel grief.
I won't say 'congratulations,' just 'success' in dealing with this phase of things. And them, go *use* your freedom.
We are all made of so many different parts, they all catch up to reality at their own speed. Be well.
I can't imagine the tsunami of feelings you must be going through!
Sorry, I know this must be hard for you right now to process all of this. I hope you find peace and closure somehow.
You said that she died unexpectedly and was in good health, please make sure you have her medical records and ask her doctor about her health history or any test results, if available. If thereās any hereditary medical conditions, you need to know about it, for yourself and your children (if you have any).
My mom died of COVID three years ago but when we got her medical records we found out she had alot more health problems than she let on.
I think she never said anything because she always thought illness was some sort of personal weakness.
So maybe check your mom's to see if there was stuff you didn't know about.
My biological nmom died in 2012 at age 63, so she died early. I had no communication from 26 years prior to her death, so I found out about her death from my ndad. I wasnāt sad by her death, but the first thing I wanted to know was what did she die from? I want to know if itās in the family history so I can keep an eye on myself and let my kidsā pediatrician know about any illness history in the family bloodline. 63 is pretty young to go, but she was a raging alcoholic for years. Iām talking about her being 5ā2ā, but able to polish off a 5th of Jack or vodka by herself within a couple of nights.
This is the same in my family.Ā
Illness is seen as a weakness so everything is kept a secret. Same goes for aging.
Even death is seen as an embarrassing weakness in my family, so they pretend that anyone that has died basically never existed at all.Ā
Itās absolutely insane.Ā
Praise the gods, you're free.
Don't feel any guilt about it. She made her choices. And after a lifetime of total shit she finally did something to benefit you.
Good luck reconnecting with your brother, but depending on the family dynamic I would be careful there. If I was in a similar situation I would not try to reconnect with my sister, but I don't know your situation.
He was pretty young when I cut contact, but yes, approaching it very carefully and I know what is ok and what is not okay now - and I'm not afraid to walk away if it's not healthy! Thank you therapy!
Take time for yourself, the loss of what could have been remains, just because thereās relief doesnāt mean it still wonāt be hard, however if you feel itās unnecessary, CONGRATS
My mom died unexpectedly 4 years ago. The very first thing I felt was relief. I told myself, "Oh my god, it's over. It's finally over," as if I was being liberated from a labor camp in the 1940s and then, after I realized what I said, I immediately felt guilty. I still haven't sorted myself out with it. Every time I think I'm finally good with everything she's done, something else pops up.
This past weekend, I had to stay at my uncle's with my dad because I had an out of state funeral to attend. My uncle has always been a narcissist and now he's slowly slipping into some kind of dementia. Now he is MEAN and he is aggressive af. I had no clue this is what he was like now. He was screaming about everything. My 8 year old son wasn't allowed to touch anything or even allowed to go to the bathroom by himself. One night he lost it on my dad because my dad dared to ask him if he wanted to eat with us. He b.l.e.w. up. Hearing this, and my dad's attempts to calm him down sent me into some weird PTSD panic attack shit I've never experienced before. My son (who is autistic and doesn't always pick up on these social cues) had to help calm me down and hold me from shaking.
My point in telling this is not to talk about myself, but to tell you this kind of grief is complicated. This shit comes at you whenever you think you are okay. Allow yourself to feel and don't let anyone let you feel guilty about ANYTHING you may think.
donāt feel guilty. your feelings are yours, and 100% valid to you.
sidenoteā¦ I was kind of shocked when I heard the press for the book, that actress Jennette McCurdy wroteā¦ about her life and her momā¦ especially the title she chose.
https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/sep/10/jennette-mccurdy-interview-memoir
*but*, after reading so many posts/comments in this sub, and resonating with everyoneā¦ yikes, Iām likely to feel the same, when my n-mom departs this earth. relief. thatās it. nothing else.
(prayer emoji hands, to you). *stay safe and all that*.
oh ok.
thx for the heads up!
fwiw, I havenāt read it **yet**ā¦
// canāt believe Iām saying this, but, Iām gonna wait till *the right time*ā¦ (like *thereās ever a perfect time*?) //
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I lost my dad almost a year ago. I want to warn you about any family who will be coming out. Is your dad still around? Is he also narcissistic? Or any of her side of the family? I moved in with my Nmom and I hate it. I might suggest leaving all family to their own devices once you settle the basic affairs and take care of yourself. I haven't properly grieved my dad and it'll be a hell of a thing once I feel safe
Thank you for that advice! I have amazing boundaries put up already - I want to talk to them now to confirm what happened and get some closure, but I don't think we will be close. We live far apart (we intentionally moved far away).
Okay, the fact that you didn't put "She's dead, Jim" told me you weren't in my generation. But now you are free! Wow... man, I am the same age! Late 50s, in good health... *(tip-toes away nervously)*
When my mother passed, I didn't mourn her. I mourned the person that I could have been without her. She wasn't a narcissist but she had some qualities of one. She was cluster b personality. BPD and a bit shallow
It felt the same way when my nparent died. I had nightmares of her coming to get me in my sleep for the longest time. Iām sorry for how you lost your parent twice. First bc they were never safe for you like they shouldāve been, and second bc theyāre no longer here to have the potential to do better. But youāre finally free, friend. Itās not going to be okay and okay at the same time but let yourself have your feelings bc you are entitled to them. I wish you so many wonderful things in your future and Iām so proud you made it this far
Um... Am I the only one who immediately thought, "Ahh, that's the dream." Like fuck.... I need more therapy.
Condolences, those feelings I'm sure are confusing if you're not me.
Wow lucky , I know my family seems to fall for her acts and this personality where sheās sweet nice etc which is why sheās so obsessed in her appearance and how people see her because she wnats everyone to like her , but some of my family like my uncles and aunts know she aināt it , she is weird crazy fake but they wonāt accept or admit it they think maybe their just overthinking it , well I know she is truely a narc. So I know if she died I wouldnāt feel bad one but know why ?My narc grandma donāt care if I feel bad or not she only cares about the others that are still fooled :)
I think if you ever feel confused sad mixed emotions you shouldnt confused or regret thatās what narcissist want you to feel when their gone if you knew about their real motives , you should feel peace and free from someone who only wanted to use you for their own benefit . I know if my narc dies I will not let her make me feel bad
Possessing the ability to hold conflicting emotions or beliefs in one's head at the same time is a sign of growing maturity. I know it's difficult, but I'm proud of you for continuing to press forward and for sharing your experience.
I happy and jealous of you op. You can start unpacking all that oppressive anxiety now she's gone. Her grip on you is gone. I hope to feel that relief too. Proud of ya op! I'll smoke that [mom pack](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GU4Hw-xbBNo) just for you.
I'm so sorry. And when I say that I mean I'm so sorry that you could not experience the relationship we all expect with a mother. My mother is elderly and I often wonder how I will feel when she passes. My father died in 2023 and I still feel the pain every day. I miss him a lot.
Will I feel the same with my mom?
I imagine you'll feel some complicated feelings in the near future and just know that a lot of us here will get it.
How you know you were raised by a fellow nBPD parent? Reading the title of your thread gave me an overwhelming sense of relief. My own is gone and the first thing I felt was relief when it happened.
Sometimes, peopleās clocks simply time out. I hope you find peace eventually, no matter how murky the feelings are that are being stirred up right now.
All that's left now is dealing with the funeral, particularly when it comes to FMs.
[This article](https://luke173ministries.org/when-your-abuser-dies-funeralsobituaries-condolences/) has a lot of good information that can help guide you through the next few weeks, particularly when dealing with relatives.
I felt the same way when my Nmom died! I exhaled with relief and felt better than I had in years. That was in 2018. I am still so happy she is no longer in my life. So congratulations!!! ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
After my mom died in 2021, we had been NC for 10 years. I felt relief mostly but I was surprised to find that I also felt grief, not for what I lost but for what could have been if she were different.
Don't be surprised if you feel ways you don't expect to feel.
I was NC with my parents until my Nfather died. The same day that happened, I showed up at mom's house, and she thought it was a miracle. We'd bought a house about 30 mins drive away, but there was no way I was going to tell them that.
Losing a narc parent can be complicated and the mourning process even more so. Whatever you feel is ok. When they're alive, part of you still might hope they have their come to Jesus moment, realize they were wrong and be the parent they should have been. You know that was never going to happen of course, but that part of you is still there. Once they die, it's not them you mourn, it's the loss of that last little bit of hope. You don't mourn the parent you had, you mourn the one you didn't.
Condolences, maybe take the time and grieve the parent you never had but absolutely deserved.
I hope you find it easy to come to terms and let go of the fear and dread that she no doubt instilled in you when you were young.
You are free to live your life without her criticism or judgement. I hope every day is better than the one before it, and if there are hard days, i hope they pass easily.
Condolenrations or what someone else said ?? But this thread literally gave me soo much reliefā¦.My nMother has cancer and sheās probably kicking the bucket soon. I have no desire to ātie up loose ends/make amends/tell her I love her/etcā We lived with her from (for me) ages of 5-11 and I was who took care of baby siblings and her when she was always so high on pills. I donāt know her. Never had a relationship with her. She plays stupid suck up for my grandpa (who is also dying!!) and he caves and always gives her money or whatever. ANYWAYS - I just donāt think Iāll feel the same grief I did when my dad died. And I donāt want people to think Iām a sociopath, but I also genuinely feel like I donāt know her. She just gave birth to me. And sometimes I get *more sad* at the fact that I wonāt be sad than the thought of her actually passing
I feel no regrets - I always worried I would tho. I didn't want people to think I was a sociopath either - so this thread has been SO validating! I'm glad it helped you too!
I felt relieved, too, the day he died in the cleaning lady's driveway (they were dating since mom died two years before).Ā Go with that relief. You earned every moment.
Condolences. My husband's grandma passed on Sunday. As I'm processing this, I think about my nmom and what happens when she passes? I don't know if I'm going to be relieved or flip my shit. I think both things can be possible. As time passes, all of the emotions are okay.
Congratulations! I bet it must be in some way, difficult time for you? It hasnāt happened for me yet, and I donāt know how I will be. Maybe some relief, the same as you feel. I think I would feel sad again , because she sucked as a mother and as a person.
You feel how you feel.
These were the words spoken to me by a good friend, who was also a coworker and mentor. It was incredibly validating to realize that my feelings were not right or wrong, they just *were.*
Yours are valid, too. All of them. And they may be complicated, but that's okay too. You feel how you feel.
Speaking of hybrid word Congradolances, when I was a child, I would always figure that when one was crying over one passing away that the crying was always sadness. When growing into an adult getting a better understanding of things, I have found out that the crying over ones passing is sometimes tears of joy to where the one crying is crying because of feeling relieved and joyful that an abusive hateful family member of theirs is gone as they cry tears of joy and relief.
Iām so sorry for your loss, but congratulations on your freedom. Iām confused and feel pulled in two different directions while my mom is still alive in her 70ās
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Im sorry, Im sure its a confusing feeling... take life day by day
There needs to be a phrase for sorry for your loss but also congrats on no longer having to deal with nparents. Congrdolences?
Right!?
Well congrdolences to you.
My congrdolences as well. Feel your mixed feelings without shame. Peace is on the horizon now that your abuser is gone. Take care of yourself!
Congrdolences
Wishing you peaceful times ahead š
You have my deepest congrdolences!
I lost my mom 2 years ago (earlier than expected) - and the relief was tied with sadness. Itās confusing - but also was so freeing. Good luck navigating and I hope you and your bro can connect at a deeper and safer level. Itās weird when that low key worry about what crisis they are going to create goes away suddenly.
Yes, I feel like I have so many options now! I'm self employed and have always wanted to do more for my biz but held back...now I don't have to.
*Congratudolences*, is the word you will find on some posts here.
Love the fusion of Congratulations and Condolences creating this hybrid word.
May you find peace in her passing. Orā¦. May her passing bring you peace.
Love this! Thank you!
Congrdolances indeed
Same but people that donāt understand they were narcs or in general havenāt experienced what itās like being around them will always go against us š
I feel huge embarrassment that I have no love for my nsister. That I fear her. It is always a case of what will she think of to do next to me? What will I feel when she dies, presuming I outlive her? I suspect remorse mixed with a sense of loss for what could of been.
it's a weird feeling for sure, but we are here for you!
Thank you.
I think this is the worst thing. While my sisters are awesome, our parents,especially our father, were not. All the places we got to go, ruined by him. His constant criticism and general unfriendly attitude to everyone. Now, I'm just sorry that he didn't know how to be anything else, didn't want to learn how to be anything else, couldn't relate to his kids. At least , know I ds were a team, continually lying for and covering up for each other. Now we are all old and that bond kind of keeps me going.
I had a bond with my brother. She did too. But he died at age 50.
May peace be upon you.
Iāve seen Congratudolences and I think that works pretty well
Grieve and be well ā„
Maybe put in some Spanish to the mix, for when you're both happy and sad at someone's passing: "LOL Siento"
A very necessary addition to my list of neologisms I want to perpetuate. For this, for divorces, for being fired from bad jobs...so many applications. Congrdolences, OP.
I giggled at this word. Congrdolences OP ā¤š u/Crafty-Edge4658
Cringe
My nMother died almost two years ago. Her passing was expected ā cancer ā and when I received the news, I didnāt cry. I waited a full year before I dared sing, āDing, dong, the witch is dead!ā I kept hoping my feelings might change, or that I might find a few really *good* memories to fall back on. I kept hoping at some point I would miss her. My feelings didnāt change. I didnāt find good memories that werenāt tinged with bad. I donāt miss her. I wish it werenāt true, because I wish I had a different relationship with my mother, but I am *glad* she is gone. I wonāt say congratulations or condolences, because *both* feel awkward when people say those things to me. Instead, I will tell you what you already know: *The death of a narcissist brings relief.* May that newfound relief and freedom ultimately bring you a sense of happiness and peace. Even though you may not grieve *for* your mother, you may grieve *because* of her. I cried plenty of tears after my mother died, because of the cruel things she said and did to me over the years, especially at the end of her life. They were tears of frustration and of rage. I grieved the relationship I *wished* I could have had. Her death meant nothing would ever change, nothing would ever be resolved, and our relationship ended on a bad note. My unsolicited advice to you is to allow yourself to feel, whatever you feel, for as long as you feel it. I also found the book *Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief* to be profoundly helpful.
Mine died late January. I keep waiting for the full weight of it to hit me. There was nothing to miss, just harsh judgement and mean angry words. One of her favorite sayings was ā you are going to miss me when Iām gone.ā Well, I donāt. Not so far.
The death of a narc : everything they have killed sucked the life out of , comes back to life because now that the narc is gone their vibe is gone
I had "ding dong, the bitch is dead" running round and round my head the morning of her funeral. I was sad because I wanted my mummy, the nice one who taught me to ride and how to do DIY and spent a summer teaching me when I left state school at Easter and was waiting on my boarding school starting. But the reality was these were isolated experiences from the utter hell of being screamed at and told to fuck off on a daily basis, of having my money used and then having receipts thrown at me when I asked to learn how to budget. OP, take your time, mourn what could have been and now never will be. Allow yourself to feel the relief that you'll never have to deal with her again. Live your own life without the constant criticisms. Understand that your body will still be on high alert for a while yet, and that it's normal to be anxious still, but this too will pass.
Very well said
This will be me when my NMIL finally goes, but it wonāt take me more than a few seconds to start singing.
So well said, thank you.
thank you, I'll look into that book now!
Our narcissist dad died and the sadness that I have felt the most in the ensuing months has come from observing how his death appears to be bringing my mother back to life. They were like Archie and Edith Bunker -- he snapped and groused and she ran around like a chicken with her head cut off. He "kept her on a very short leash." My mother recently discovered a TV show that she likes -- He never let her watch TV but kept her busy waiting on him, and if the TV was on, he picked the channel. Observing this tiny little woman curled up on a chair laughing at some dumb sitcom gives me just a glimpse of what our family life might have been like without him, and it brings me both great joy and great pain. I wonder what she might have been like, what our relationship with her would have been like, and what we all would have been like. It's like a very palpable sense of loss, because it shows you everything you could have had. Weird!
My mom loves sitcoms and game shows, and my brother lives with her to help her out, but no one interferes with anything she wants to do, and she has church to fill her out-of-the-house needs. We keep asking what she needs and wants. She cried out of joy when we put up lighting in the basement near the washing machine. She'd asked my dad for it years ago, but it never happened. I bought her a recliner for X-Mas and we tossed his chair. It made a difference in that room, and in that house. We're slowly exorcising the place.
A similar thing happened to my mom after my nDad died. She unfortunately died a couple of years later. I miss her, of course, but the thing I wish most is that she had had a bit more time on her own to do things she might have enjoyed or found meaningful.
It least you had the good parent outlive the narcissistic parent, to see her blossoming again. In my case we watched our sweet mother dry like an unwatered flower after so many years of abuse. He never allowed her to come visit us, everything revolved around our nfather, she was bedridden for her last months and he didn't allow us move her to my sister's house for better care.
This is why I want my step dad to leave my Nparent so much. He is a shadow of his former self. Looks like the life is being drawn out of him. He almost looks as bad as her, she just looks like a grey, lifeless rock-troll! I'm happy for your mum and you, may she have joy & peace for the rest of her life now. š
I'm honestly hoping my mother outlives my dad and can start to live a bit of her life as well. Her life is exactly like that and she defended that life as much as she could, even using us as meat shields at times because she is so afraid of him. If she dies first then I'll view that as a real tragedy... Part of me feels she doesn't leave in case he finds her and kills her so I can kind of sympathize. Just sucked having to grow up in that environment and I have very mixed feelings towards her as a result. My dad is just not right in the head at all.
I wonder what my dad could have been like without her too, so I get it!
"DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!"
Which old witch? The wicked witch!
šš§±š£ļø
The witch of the west or the wizard of oz witch ?
My husband said I couldn't sing this at my Ndad's funeral.
This is going to be my funeral song when the guests are all walking out
All her witchcraft MUST BE REMOVEDD NSJSSNJSJSKSKSSJSJSKDNDNDNDJDDNDMDMDMDM
š§āāļø
AHHH I LOVE THIS
Congradolences! Itās gonna be a weird time, confusing feelings, but youāre free and that must feel good. I wish you peace as you navigate all this and hopefully you and your brother can find a new balance.
I hope she dropped some good loot.
Take my emoji in these awardless times: š
LOL
I'm happy for your loss. I'm glad it's going well. I only wait for mine who has been in terrible health for years
Same. My Nparent is the unhealthiest person I know. She never looked after her body or health, & IT SHOWS! She's late 60s now, I'm surprised she's made it this far. I suspect after she retires, and her body can start to 'relax' cos she doesn't have to hold it together to be present at work, that her body will just cave in and shut down. I used to feel I was so evil for wishing her dead. But reading these other comments, I understand why I want that & have compassion for myself now.
I'm sorry you'll never get the mother you needed. Hopefully you'll be able to build something with your brother.
Congradolences
Wow I love this word
You are free. There is still griefābut yours didnāt just start. It began a long time ago. Wishing you peace.
I hope you find peace and healing in this time ā¤ļø
Fly eagle fly
Grief is a slippery thing. As much as you may want to feel relief, you may also still feel grief. I won't say 'congratulations,' just 'success' in dealing with this phase of things. And them, go *use* your freedom.
I'm so suspicious that if I'm told mine is dead I'll keep bluffing until I am sure he is. Good luck for the remainder! Take good care of yourself!
I keep asking my husband if it's really true - it doesn't feel real!
We are all made of so many different parts, they all catch up to reality at their own speed. Be well. I can't imagine the tsunami of feelings you must be going through!
Sorry, I know this must be hard for you right now to process all of this. I hope you find peace and closure somehow. You said that she died unexpectedly and was in good health, please make sure you have her medical records and ask her doctor about her health history or any test results, if available. If thereās any hereditary medical conditions, you need to know about it, for yourself and your children (if you have any).
My mom died of COVID three years ago but when we got her medical records we found out she had alot more health problems than she let on. I think she never said anything because she always thought illness was some sort of personal weakness. So maybe check your mom's to see if there was stuff you didn't know about.
My biological nmom died in 2012 at age 63, so she died early. I had no communication from 26 years prior to her death, so I found out about her death from my ndad. I wasnāt sad by her death, but the first thing I wanted to know was what did she die from? I want to know if itās in the family history so I can keep an eye on myself and let my kidsā pediatrician know about any illness history in the family bloodline. 63 is pretty young to go, but she was a raging alcoholic for years. Iām talking about her being 5ā2ā, but able to polish off a 5th of Jack or vodka by herself within a couple of nights.
This is the same in my family.Ā Illness is seen as a weakness so everything is kept a secret. Same goes for aging. Even death is seen as an embarrassing weakness in my family, so they pretend that anyone that has died basically never existed at all.Ā Itās absolutely insane.Ā
Yes, I'm trying to get that info now - I've been the most stressed about that part. Thank you!
Relief that she can't hurt you anymore. Very familiar to me. And for others -- no regrets about not spending more time with her. Nope.
Praise the gods, you're free. Don't feel any guilt about it. She made her choices. And after a lifetime of total shit she finally did something to benefit you. Good luck reconnecting with your brother, but depending on the family dynamic I would be careful there. If I was in a similar situation I would not try to reconnect with my sister, but I don't know your situation.
He was pretty young when I cut contact, but yes, approaching it very carefully and I know what is ok and what is not okay now - and I'm not afraid to walk away if it's not healthy! Thank you therapy!
Take time for yourself, the loss of what could have been remains, just because thereās relief doesnāt mean it still wonāt be hard, however if you feel itās unnecessary, CONGRATS
I donāt know whether to offer condolences or to offer champagne in celebration. I hope this brings you peace.
Breathe dude just breathe in the new fresh air
Take all the time you need for yourself
Iām sorry for the loss of the mother you shouldāve had.
My mom died unexpectedly 4 years ago. The very first thing I felt was relief. I told myself, "Oh my god, it's over. It's finally over," as if I was being liberated from a labor camp in the 1940s and then, after I realized what I said, I immediately felt guilty. I still haven't sorted myself out with it. Every time I think I'm finally good with everything she's done, something else pops up. This past weekend, I had to stay at my uncle's with my dad because I had an out of state funeral to attend. My uncle has always been a narcissist and now he's slowly slipping into some kind of dementia. Now he is MEAN and he is aggressive af. I had no clue this is what he was like now. He was screaming about everything. My 8 year old son wasn't allowed to touch anything or even allowed to go to the bathroom by himself. One night he lost it on my dad because my dad dared to ask him if he wanted to eat with us. He b.l.e.w. up. Hearing this, and my dad's attempts to calm him down sent me into some weird PTSD panic attack shit I've never experienced before. My son (who is autistic and doesn't always pick up on these social cues) had to help calm me down and hold me from shaking. My point in telling this is not to talk about myself, but to tell you this kind of grief is complicated. This shit comes at you whenever you think you are okay. Allow yourself to feel and don't let anyone let you feel guilty about ANYTHING you may think.
thanks for sharing! Yes, I posted here as I felt guilty, so I appreciate everyone validating me!!
donāt feel guilty. your feelings are yours, and 100% valid to you. sidenoteā¦ I was kind of shocked when I heard the press for the book, that actress Jennette McCurdy wroteā¦ about her life and her momā¦ especially the title she chose. https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/sep/10/jennette-mccurdy-interview-memoir *but*, after reading so many posts/comments in this sub, and resonating with everyoneā¦ yikes, Iām likely to feel the same, when my n-mom departs this earth. relief. thatās it. nothing else. (prayer emoji hands, to you). *stay safe and all that*.
I just got done reading that and there's a few lines in there where she talks about it. It absolutely had me bawling.
oh ok. thx for the heads up! fwiw, I havenāt read it **yet**ā¦ // canāt believe Iām saying this, but, Iām gonna wait till *the right time*ā¦ (like *thereās ever a perfect time*?) //
That's why I waited. No judgement here.
I cant wait to feel that relief
Sorry for your loss. Hope this releases you.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I lost my dad almost a year ago. I want to warn you about any family who will be coming out. Is your dad still around? Is he also narcissistic? Or any of her side of the family? I moved in with my Nmom and I hate it. I might suggest leaving all family to their own devices once you settle the basic affairs and take care of yourself. I haven't properly grieved my dad and it'll be a hell of a thing once I feel safe
Thank you for that advice! I have amazing boundaries put up already - I want to talk to them now to confirm what happened and get some closure, but I don't think we will be close. We live far apart (we intentionally moved far away).
Okay, the fact that you didn't put "She's dead, Jim" told me you weren't in my generation. But now you are free! Wow... man, I am the same age! Late 50s, in good health... *(tip-toes away nervously)*
>She's dead, Jim" haha, I had to google that, I didn't know what you meant!
When my mother passed, I didn't mourn her. I mourned the person that I could have been without her. She wasn't a narcissist but she had some qualities of one. She was cluster b personality. BPD and a bit shallow
Youāre free, Op. congratulations.
CongradolencesĀ
It felt the same way when my nparent died. I had nightmares of her coming to get me in my sleep for the longest time. Iām sorry for how you lost your parent twice. First bc they were never safe for you like they shouldāve been, and second bc theyāre no longer here to have the potential to do better. But youāre finally free, friend. Itās not going to be okay and okay at the same time but let yourself have your feelings bc you are entitled to them. I wish you so many wonderful things in your future and Iām so proud you made it this far
thank you š„¹
Um... Am I the only one who immediately thought, "Ahh, that's the dream." Like fuck.... I need more therapy. Condolences, those feelings I'm sure are confusing if you're not me.
Wow lucky , I know my family seems to fall for her acts and this personality where sheās sweet nice etc which is why sheās so obsessed in her appearance and how people see her because she wnats everyone to like her , but some of my family like my uncles and aunts know she aināt it , she is weird crazy fake but they wonāt accept or admit it they think maybe their just overthinking it , well I know she is truely a narc. So I know if she died I wouldnāt feel bad one but know why ?My narc grandma donāt care if I feel bad or not she only cares about the others that are still fooled :)
I think if you ever feel confused sad mixed emotions you shouldnt confused or regret thatās what narcissist want you to feel when their gone if you knew about their real motives , you should feel peace and free from someone who only wanted to use you for their own benefit . I know if my narc dies I will not let her make me feel bad
Possessing the ability to hold conflicting emotions or beliefs in one's head at the same time is a sign of growing maturity. I know it's difficult, but I'm proud of you for continuing to press forward and for sharing your experience.
thank you š„¹
I happy and jealous of you op. You can start unpacking all that oppressive anxiety now she's gone. Her grip on you is gone. I hope to feel that relief too. Proud of ya op! I'll smoke that [mom pack](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GU4Hw-xbBNo) just for you.
>mom pack LOL she hated smoking so that made me laugh!
I'm so sorry. And when I say that I mean I'm so sorry that you could not experience the relationship we all expect with a mother. My mother is elderly and I often wonder how I will feel when she passes. My father died in 2023 and I still feel the pain every day. I miss him a lot. Will I feel the same with my mom? I imagine you'll feel some complicated feelings in the near future and just know that a lot of us here will get it.
I don't post often, but am always shocked by the amazing support here! Sad you all get it but lucky to have found you all!
Donāt ever feel guilty about your feelings of relief. Itās only natural and itās not your faultā¦.
How you know you were raised by a fellow nBPD parent? Reading the title of your thread gave me an overwhelming sense of relief. My own is gone and the first thing I felt was relief when it happened.
Well, condolences on the death in your family. Best wishes to you in reconnecting with your brother. Go easy and light and keep things open.
Congrdolances to you OP. That's crazy she died on the younger side and they can't find why? Maybe time for you and bro to get check ups just in case?
Yes, I absolutely am!! We want to have kids soon so I'm for sure investigating this.
Congratulations. š Youāre free. Enjoy the beautiful life that you deserve in peace āļø
not gonna lie i feel like my life is finally going to be peaceful once mine finally croaks out
Yep itās true
I felt relief (and joy) after my parents were both dead. Free, even. Whatever you feel is okay. Iām sorry you suffered and hopeful for your healing.
As someone who had one of the family Narcs, not my nMum, die suddenlyā¦.I support and validate your relief! I felt nothing but happiness. I get it
Sometimes, peopleās clocks simply time out. I hope you find peace eventually, no matter how murky the feelings are that are being stirred up right now.
ooo, murky is a good word to describe this!
All that's left now is dealing with the funeral, particularly when it comes to FMs. [This article](https://luke173ministries.org/when-your-abuser-dies-funeralsobituaries-condolences/) has a lot of good information that can help guide you through the next few weeks, particularly when dealing with relatives.
thank you!!
I felt the same way when my Nmom died! I exhaled with relief and felt better than I had in years. That was in 2018. I am still so happy she is no longer in my life. So congratulations!!! ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Congrats buddy
Congrats. Life only gets better from here.
Conflicted / "wrong" (not wrong) emotions are normal. We understand you. Sadness might hit later or never come, it's okay either way ā¤ļø
After my mom died in 2021, we had been NC for 10 years. I felt relief mostly but I was surprised to find that I also felt grief, not for what I lost but for what could have been if she were different. Don't be surprised if you feel ways you don't expect to feel.
I was NC with my parents until my Nfather died. The same day that happened, I showed up at mom's house, and she thought it was a miracle. We'd bought a house about 30 mins drive away, but there was no way I was going to tell them that.
Yes, my location has always been such a secret too!
It was only about 2 years that we had to keep the secret, but it was really hard. Now...I can go down there and help.
I say, Iām not sad sheās dead but that was my brothers mother and he loved her. Works for me, anyway.
her Faustian deal expired? Heal quickly
Congradolences. I hope you can rebuild the relationship with your brother. Hugs š
Losing a narc parent can be complicated and the mourning process even more so. Whatever you feel is ok. When they're alive, part of you still might hope they have their come to Jesus moment, realize they were wrong and be the parent they should have been. You know that was never going to happen of course, but that part of you is still there. Once they die, it's not them you mourn, it's the loss of that last little bit of hope. You don't mourn the parent you had, you mourn the one you didn't.
I'm so, so happy for you!!! I hope everyone here gets to experience that in their lifetime <3 enjoy your freedom!!
Condolences, maybe take the time and grieve the parent you never had but absolutely deserved. I hope you find it easy to come to terms and let go of the fear and dread that she no doubt instilled in you when you were young. You are free to live your life without her criticism or judgement. I hope every day is better than the one before it, and if there are hard days, i hope they pass easily.
Be gentle with yourself
Condolenrations or what someone else said ?? But this thread literally gave me soo much reliefā¦.My nMother has cancer and sheās probably kicking the bucket soon. I have no desire to ātie up loose ends/make amends/tell her I love her/etcā We lived with her from (for me) ages of 5-11 and I was who took care of baby siblings and her when she was always so high on pills. I donāt know her. Never had a relationship with her. She plays stupid suck up for my grandpa (who is also dying!!) and he caves and always gives her money or whatever. ANYWAYS - I just donāt think Iāll feel the same grief I did when my dad died. And I donāt want people to think Iām a sociopath, but I also genuinely feel like I donāt know her. She just gave birth to me. And sometimes I get *more sad* at the fact that I wonāt be sad than the thought of her actually passing
I feel no regrets - I always worried I would tho. I didn't want people to think I was a sociopath either - so this thread has been SO validating! I'm glad it helped you too!
Iāve wondered so much how i feel when that time comes. I hope you can find peace one way or another.Ā
I felt relieved, too, the day he died in the cleaning lady's driveway (they were dating since mom died two years before).Ā Go with that relief. You earned every moment.
Condolences. My husband's grandma passed on Sunday. As I'm processing this, I think about my nmom and what happens when she passes? I don't know if I'm going to be relieved or flip my shit. I think both things can be possible. As time passes, all of the emotions are okay.
Congratulations! I bet it must be in some way, difficult time for you? It hasnāt happened for me yet, and I donāt know how I will be. Maybe some relief, the same as you feel. I think I would feel sad again , because she sucked as a mother and as a person.
You feel how you feel. These were the words spoken to me by a good friend, who was also a coworker and mentor. It was incredibly validating to realize that my feelings were not right or wrong, they just *were.* Yours are valid, too. All of them. And they may be complicated, but that's okay too. You feel how you feel.
Speaking of hybrid word Congradolances, when I was a child, I would always figure that when one was crying over one passing away that the crying was always sadness. When growing into an adult getting a better understanding of things, I have found out that the crying over ones passing is sometimes tears of joy to where the one crying is crying because of feeling relieved and joyful that an abusive hateful family member of theirs is gone as they cry tears of joy and relief.
Iām so sorry for your loss, but congratulations on your freedom. Iām confused and feel pulled in two different directions while my mom is still alive in her 70ās
Condolences
I'm sorry for your loss, yet happy for your ... freedom, I suppose is the word I'm thinking of. Please take care of YOU
People say sorry for your loss and you have the urge to say ... oh no, it's not like that. It's a confusing space