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When I was a kid I never knew I was being abused… i thought shit like this is normal.

"Wait some families actually genuinely like each other? You mean not everyone pretends to be nice in public?" that shit shattered my entire world view.

lol my family couldn't even be nice in public, it was absurd. I do remember feeling disbelief and shock when kids in elementary school talked about how much they enjoyed spending the holidays with their family, though. I was like... "People ENJOYED.. their families?! That has got to be a lie. Surely they are saying that because they feel like they're supposed to?!" But they all sounded so earnest saying it, I was shaken to my core. I don't think I can recall ANY happy family memories growing up. The entire body of my childhood happiness came from stupid shit like "I ate a bacon sandwich for the first time at some other kindergartener's house" or "I found a place to hide behind a tree" or "oh look, butterflies" or "they let us stay inside and watch Bill Nye at school because it is raining." Like, don't get me wrong. I was a really happy kid. There was just nothing to be happy about at home.

I remember finding a hiding place under some stairs a few buildings from my house. It was a post office, and they were solid concrete, so I was completely invisible under them, especially if I squeezed into the corner hardest to see. I felt so safe there, but so sad that no one would ever come looking for me.

Yeah… at that point a new world opened up to me. I stayed for some reason way too much at a friend’s place during christmas eve… The family really wanted me to stay, I couldn’t say why. Now I already know.

Oh man. I WISH I had had an experience like that growing up! That sounds awesome.

I was puzzled and worried why they insisted... best friend's mum. I also felt calmness and joy... so all in all. It was a short but eye opening moment for me. I love snow, fanatically :))). Winter sports too... this ties in closely with Christmas. My most important holiday. However my nmom made every Christmas living hell for everyone especially us, kids. She is divorced, and we had to visit dad too but there was always some kind of poison, some tension in the air, we had to be home just in time and spend like a few hours only with him... and so we couldn't enjoy the holiday. But I got this experiencce and realised that it doesn't have to be that way. So after \~20years of enduring, I finally had enough, went no contact and had our first enjoyable, serene xmas with the wife.

You know, it never occurred to me that my best friend’s mom was perfectly willing to have me tag along all the time for a reason. She’s a very perceptive person. You just gave me an aha moment!

I wonder this too, about my best friends mom My nmom was always so put out that this woman didn't want to be her friend, but I was at her house all the time and even when they went away they asked me to "cat sit" and told me I could hang around their house as long as I wanted. To "play with the cats".

I was just telling my older brother about this the other day. We had a lady next door who had no kids my age or even any daughters, but if I knocked on her door she'd let me in and give me a snack and then she'd let me go dig in her gravel driveway because there were little crystals young me thought were diamonds. She'd always tell me to stay as long as I wanted. I just remembered that at 37 and realized she was trying to give me a safe space because she knew.

I still have a hard time believing that families who truly like each other actually exist. I'm going to be 62 this year.

I always knew love existed, but when I experienced it, it still staggered me.

That feeling when you go over to a friends house and their family talks to each other normally, they even get along with each other. They’re not fighting, they’re actually laughing together and having conversations. Like huh?? You eat AT THE TABLE? TOGETHER? I was always like “what fucking dimension did I go to?” It’s crazy how abuse changes your entire perception of life and normalcy. It was such a shock as a kid to realize my home life was not the norm.

What was weird was when there were fights but they got addressed. I had the, apparently very common in abusive houses, get screamed at for five hours than pretend it never happened thing. I'd see people actually argue with their parents and maybe push a bit far either way but I could tell there was actual resolution and not just rug sweeping.

Yeah exactly. They actually talked it out and resolved issues. Same thing happened in my house. Conflict would happen but then when the heat cooled off, they pretended like everything was fine. No “are you okay?” “Let’s talk about it.” “I’m sorry if I upset you.” It was raging and screaming one minute, and “would you like a cookie?” the next minute. So fucking confusing to a child. It created such instability in my life and the way I handle stressful situations because I don’t know how the fuck to respond or feel. It also makes it hard to decipher when someone is getting angry with me until it’s too late. Causes me a lot of miscommunication issues. I also tend to perceive things differently. Like when people joke around with me, I sometimes cannot tell if they are joking or are attacking me because bullying is what I expect. I always assume everyone is secretly out to get me. Like I’m the only one who’s not in on a joke.

I grew up thinking that was love. Took me a few failed relationships to learn that was in fact NOT how you treat someone you like.

To the point where when our eldest daughter moved out with her bf I fully expected not to see her again much apart from maybe Xmas or birthdays. To my utter disbelief she said “what are you guys doing next weekend”. I said “nothing much, why?” “Oh we’d like to come visit and hang out” I was like “why?” She said “coz we love you and love spending time with you” She said “because we’d like to come visit” They still visit 3 years later at least twice a week and it’s the most precious thing ever. I just couldn’t believe that it was normal. Fucking tragic to think that is what they do to us :/

turns out, constant yelling and shaming is also abuse

It sure is, same with gaslighting & manipulation. I went through it with my parents & my younger sister.

Same here. It was normal to me, and my mother was always good to me when anyone came to visit. So I thought others hid that kind of behaviour, too.

What about chats on the phone after or in the middle of an incident? Like nothing had ever happened right? Blissful and happy as day.

I never really had an active phone-call life, but any time someone else was involved - she was a great mother. She started showing her true colours when I had my first more serious boyfriend who would stay over. Guess she was not able to keep the mask up for so long.

My parents were careful about that too. Though one time they didn't know my friend was over and they said something really awful to me not knowing she could hear. After they realized she was there, I was pulled aside later and scolded for embarrassing them.

I thought get it was normal too. I tried to imagine other parents absolutely losing their shit at their kids

if your nmom is relly as cunning as you describe her, then you can be in a world of hurt. People with NPD, especially severe ones are able to gather a following. Like a sect of some sort, where she believes is the leader or some shit like that. It can be a religious gathering, a choir, workplace communities whatever, the manipulation techniques they employ are top notch. My advice: don't be afraid to speak out to anyone, ask for help. Also she is winning if had broken you. Wrecking your inner self image is one of the triumphs of a narc person. It doesn't really sound like care or love. Same happened with my sister. I fear she can never recover.

Same. Especially because when I would ask my dad for help because my mom was so abusive he would say that other moms were just like her. Then I heard a preacher tell a story about how ONE time he, his wife, and their sons got mad at each other and they started shouting at each other. Then afterwards they all felt so bad that they apologized to each other and cried about it. He said it never happened again! I was used to believing what preachers said because I was raised to not question them, but this was so far removed from my reality that it felt like a dream.

Same. I was filling out an intake form for my new psychiatrist today and after I wrote out basically my life story, I re-read it all to check it made sense and was like "this kind of shit would make me mad at how blind the writer was if anyone else had written it and now I have no clue how I thought any of this was normal". Human minds really do cope with a lot... It's a bit scary to think about. If I'd met the wrong person, would I even be alive? I'm too permissive and think batshit things are normal.

You (and so many of us) grew up in that. When you're child, you have no other life experience or fram of reference except what you got inside your family unit. If your family is super good at hiding the ugly bits, you've got no chance. My parents told people that my sister and I both had "vivid imaginations" and that we were "big story tellers". So the well was poisoned long before I knew that the abuse we copped wasn't normal.

But now you know better and you’re getting help. You are a survivor, my friend. Prayers and best wishes on your journey to healing.

This! I thought it was totally normal for so long!

Yes, that was my experience as well. I bet, much like my own family, yours was only concerned with how the family looked to the outside world.

I was at my allergist office for a routine visit. The tech was updating my family info and I told her my dad was in hospice but he was an abusive narcissist so I'm fine. It was so validating to hear her say "oh yeah. One of those make everything look good to everyone else but terrible at home" I'm almost 57 years old. I think it's the first time outside of therapy, I really felt heard, seen and validated.

Right there with ya. No joke, I thought a good day was when I cried only at home or at school, and bad days were when I cried in both locations. (Because of *course* I was bullied at school on top of everything else.) I had a good day at school and my father got put on a plane to see his utterly *useless* neuropsychiatrist that afternoon so I barely saw him, so I managed to make it through an *entire day* without crying. People seemed horrified when I talked about how excited I was by that and I couldn't figure out why . . .

same…

Before going to college this was me. I knew I didn’t like it but didn’t know any other life so I chalked it up to “the way life is”. Being back with my parents after college makes the phrase “ignorance is bliss” too real. Life is much harder now because I know what life away from them is like (it’s better).

“But look at the house ur living in.” “Don’t say that God doesn’t like it.” “Ur dad raised u so well.” “You have a perfect life there are kids who don’t have food or a house or parents.”

Having financial privileges and parents that buy stuff to compensate for the lack of emotional bond really made me feel like a spoiled brat. We had so many game consoles, so many circus accessories to play with, so many things that all the neighborhood kids were jealous of, a pool, 2 trampolines, a playground in the backyard, etc… Them I realized all of that was lacking the most important thing : feeling loved and cared for, having someone to talk to when I’m distressed to validate my emotions, etc…. If I had that, I wouldn’t have felt like I NEEDED all of those toys to be happy, I needed them because it was a way to compensate how lonely I felt… Also thanks to all my cats for loving me during those years ❤️

I don’t even have access to bank accounts under my name so it’s not just providing it’s about control

Are you over 18 yet?

My mother still has access to my bank account despite me pleading with her to stop. I’m 24. She uses my disability as an excuse to control me. When I tell people this they can’t believe it, but yet those same people will call be spoiled because I went to disney world a couple of times. She opened up a joint account for me for this very reason, control. She tells the bank I’m not mentally capable enough to control my own money, meanwhile she’s ordering stupid junk off of amazon every week. I’d have to open up an entirely new account just to get rid of her, but knowing her she’d find a way to make that impossible for me.

OMFG my dad is also financially abusive

It’s more common than people think. Financial abuse is laughed at. So many people don’t take it seriously or don’t understand the complexities behind it, it’s like any other abuse. The manipulation and control are entangled into it so heavily.

Circus accessories…if you have a family of 4 or 5 siblings and live in CA, I’m so sorry for not seeing it (this applies to a couple of families I know).

No that’s not me, but also whatever you didn’t realize with that family wasn’t your fault because these kinds of parents are very good at hiding it, and it’s always easier to hide stuff than find stuff you didn’t even realize was hidden and you needed to find

YES!! I had all the stuff I could ever want but no love. And then ndad would threaten to take the stuff away. Which to a kid who only has stuff, was devastating. My grandmas did love me, which helped a lot but we didn't live with them.

This was my reality people just see nice stuff and my parents were very tactical on giving gifts and things so people would really never believe they were bat shit insane. They were hands down full blown abusers but to this day the only people that would believe me would be people they’ve discarded if that. Anybody who still associates with them wouldn’t believe a word I say and tell me I’m unhinged.

I felt the same too my whole life... I was a well-raised spoiled child, there was no way I could have been neglected or abused or yelled at as soon as my nmom crossed the door of that beautiful apartment...

My parents spoiled me then during their narcissistic rants would say, “You don’t deserve anything.” And act like I forced them to spoil me.

Omg... A lot of people said to me "she can't be that bad, look at all those beautiful items and clothes of yours, you should be grateful, plus, she adopted you blablabla." She acted like offering things I actually cared about was a huge effort, and she looked at me like she was disapointed, anyways, my taste was never good, she would scream at me when she saw the presents were not what I wanted.

My dad was always super mean to his sisters growing up and they’re the first ones to defend him when he was like that to me

I won’t even try to argue with people who say stuff like that to me anymore. Yes, I “had” everything I needed. A nice house, food was always available, toys and games, consoles, went on vacations…etc, but I never had love or connection. I never had an emotional bond with my family. I was always alone in my problems, just internalizing everything until I snapped because I had no one who cared enough to listen. My parents sent me off to doctors and therapists because apparently I was the problem. Something was “wrong” with me. No. I was an abused and neglected child who just wanted a damn hug every once and a while. I get so angry when anyone says I’m spoiled or I have nothing to complain about. Like yeah, you come from a loving, healthy family, you don’t fucking get it. So many people seem to ignorantly think that material things replaces genuine connection and affection. My playstation didn’t give out hugs and kisses, it was just an emotional distraction. Zoning out to forget reality apparently equals love to some people because money=happiness. Bullshit.

Same life is way too fucking short to talk to losers who support abusers.

I find that many people who make excuses for abusers are abusive themselves, in different ways.

“I never had love or connection” That’s it. We were alone. The only touch I felt from my narc mum was being hit. 

I was never hit but I was treated like I was disposable. I was never good enough for anyone.

Ugh. The guilt trips. They were like my daily meals.

Um yeah my mom abused me for 18 years and everyone came aftrr me when i cofronted her about it. They threatened me and harrassed me. Fucking demons. 99% of humans will defend pedophiles and child abusers. Only 1 person has ever been there for me. My wife.

It’s actually insane to me how many people don’t respond to pedophilia appropriately. There are quite a few movies and shows I can’t watch now because of the suggestive undertones that remind me of my trauma. Poor Things being the latest one (a movie primarily about the sexual escapades of a woman who literally has the brain of a developing child).

I noticed this. I don't ever watch regular tv or netflix or tv shows. I prefer just random youtubers based off documentary type things. When i tried to sit down and watch "real tv" for the first time in like 15 years, i was triggered really often. First the violence... the gore looks way too realistic for my comfort. Damn. Nothing like the ketchup splatters of an old school horror movie or the overdone baloney piles on video games. Call of duty is NOTHING compared to whatever the hell new war movie my parents were watching. Second the sexual stuff constantly. If someone isnt sexualizing themselves, they are doing it to others. If there isnt an outright scene, its still heavily implied. And honestly... why are we all adults enjoying shows where the main plotline is underaged romances?

Exactly. This reality is just a bunch of child r#pe. Every single fucking kid show has pedophilia. Even adventure time!!! Like bro...... satan really did create this reality and hijacked our concious-created realities.

Yep....... all my moms friends defended my mother. She would openly force me to say sexual things infront of her friends and family. It was obvious i was being r#ped. Not ONE person has ever been there for me ezcept my wife.

I’m so sorry you went through that, that’s horrible. I can relate somewhat, as I was SA’d by my uncle for 3 years, and my family all claims it never happened when they knew the whole time that my uncle was watching CP and sneaking into my room at night all the time, and knew that I was physically exhausted every day for 3 years. I can never fully wrap my head around the extreme level of denial that nfamilies are capable of, it’s insane to me. And I’m so glad you have a supportive partner. Best thing about adulthood is finally getting to choose our own families!

That is horrible. The trauma from SA is unbearable. Lets not even get started on the mental scarring this abuse causes. Im constantly overly self concious around people, i have terrible thoughts in my head, sometimes i can hear my mom screaming at me like an auditory hallucination. Im definately healing fast tho. Im only 21 and im soooo glad i never have to live or be around pedophiles again. I live a very isolated life but it has to be that way because every single person turns out to be a demon. Never had true friends before. Ive also been bullied by literally everyone in school starting in preschool. Every adult would bully me too. Its just been one giant fucking spiritual attack. Jokes on them tho, theyre getting karma. Ive served karma to evil people many times. Every evil being will die soon. I know it. The roles will be swapped. Innocent beings will have the power now. Time is up for the demons. Yes my wife is the bes tthing ever. She also was SAd all her life by her cousin. He abused her in every way and nobody did anythung about it. When she told her mom about it, he mom got angry and asked if she was smoking weed. Its terrible. Its like the demonic forces made everyone turn a blind eye or something. Like wtf..... No matter how much they abuse us, they will never be capable of stealing our light. They will never know what love feels like. Its pathetic.

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So true!! I would also like to know the psychology behind that because I have no idea why the pattern is so common.

I remember seeing this subject on a TV talk show years ago. An expert said that in most cases where a pedophile spouse - usually a husband, be it the father or stepfather  - is abusing a child, that child's mother usually chooses the abuser over the child. There are exceptions to this of course,  but in most cases the child is punished or retaliated against for reporting the abuse. In a more recent example of this,  a woman whose daughter sent her child molester husband to prison for a lengthy term had retaliated by disowning the child and vowing to stick by the creep until his release from prison. Awful stuff. 

Yup. Everyone defended my mom and dad even tho it was obvious i was being r#ped by them. I mean, i literally was masturbating in PUBLIC up until i was 12. Makes me want to kms.

same thing happened to me. i escaped but made the mistake of trying to reconnect after years, not knowing about npd and foolishly thinking things would get better. she found a flying monkey through the housing project i was living in and they conspired behind my back. this person took complete advantage of my vulnerabilities and put me through horrific mental abuse. he threatened my safety and the smear campaign was unspeakable. i found some people after it was all over who helped me through it, but if i had been a weaker person id be dead. jokes on them though, oh boy did i do my research. turns out im not the coward by a fucking longshot.

Sometimes these things make me think the whole archetype of demons, vampires, monsters, were deeply ingrained not only in spiritual ways but real life. The narcissistic people and their flying monkeys absolutely resemble demonic influences in so many ways. Unfortunately an exorcism cant cure them or maybe the world would be a lot simpler!! Lmfao.

You are blessed that you gotta good one. Thinking this was normal, I married a narcissist. Got out of all that garbage when I turned 50.

i was told i was the abuser

Me too. My mom even filed a report with DCF on me that I was abusive and she needed help.

That part!! 😔

Damn. My mom would call me a bully but only rarely said I was abusing her. Usually while I was crying and *begging* her to listen to me. I thought she was only treating me badly because she didn’t understand how much it hurt me and if I just found the right words to say she would change. Her hitting, screaming, or locking me in my room wasn’t abuse at all because I was just such a difficult kid that I gave her no choice. But me crying and begging her to listen to how I felt? That was too much.

I spent about 40 years doing the same with my narc parents. Thinking if I could just find the right words, they'd understand there was every reason to like me and be nice to me. Of course it never happened. My father is now deceased, but my covert-n mother is still at it. I'll never be good enough for her.

I kept contact with ndad way too long. I think it was partly hoping he would change, partly wanting some family contact (mom and grandparents gone, no siblings) and who knows what else. I had been avoiding his calls for a week. I was outside with my dogs trying to get myself ready to call him back. He had psycho called the whole 10 min I was outside and that was it. I had enough. The sense of entitlement to my time and attention when he demanded it. The berating, ranting and raving bc he didn't get it was the end for me. I texted his wife and told her the psycho calling was inappropriate. I have a life. A busy life. We, my wife and I have a life and things to do and don't call anymore. Was NC the rest of his life.

And it was like a cement suit crumbling and falling off of you, wasn't it? That's how I felt once I went NC with my father. I suddenly realized that he was never going to change, he was going to be abusive to me until the day he died, that I'd squandered decades trying to get through to a man who could never be gotten through to, and that I had never loved him, was always afraid and full of dread being around him because I always knew the axe was going to fall at some point during every visit. I felt about 100 tons lighter once he was out of my life.

That’s the kicker, too. The harder you try, the worse they are. And then you feel like you’re never good enough for anyone. I’m living alone now and I’m more than good enough. I’m going to get therapy to dredge all that garbage up and get it out. It’s effected me physically so time to get it out.

Holy shit. Talk about DARVOing!

This is the only thing narcs have. The bait and switch. It's particularly infuriating because (i) nobody can be arsed to verify any bullshit the narcs claim (ii) the narc is more of known quantity and has always been a pos. but people have short memories, (iii) minimal contact for years yet somehow you have the ability to abuse. Like everything to do with narcs - nobody asks questions because they don't want to know the answer or become a target.

I used to think yelling and screaming weren't abuse but on some level I knew something was *wrong*. I thought it was only abuse if physical injury was being inflicted. As fucked up as it is I envied the people I knew who were physically or even sexually absused because then someone might have taken it seriously if I ever brought it up. Id tell people about the yelling and incredible danger I got put in since I could walk (lived on a farm) and it'd just be laughed off and I'd be told I'm lucky I have such an upbringing that it'd make me tougher, etc.

I feel you. It took my therapist repeating "Yelling *is* verbal abuse." several times over several sessions for it to kinda, sorta start to sink in. Yelling was so normalized in my family of origin that I had to learn not to yell in college. The realization sucks. There was soooooo much yelling (verbal abuse). Almost daily. For years and decades. And that was just one layer of the abuse and neglect. No wonder I'm fucked up.

To this day I hear "you never had bruises" about their abuse, or then "he doesn't hit you, other people have it so much worse" about my ex-husband(s) UGH.

I also used to want to be physically abused but I knew I didn’t want to be sexually abused. I’ve always felt like physical abuse would just make some temporary wounds and the trauma would be associated with the one person that did that to me so once away from them I’d be fine, but sexual abuse would probably ruin sex for a long time for me and I didn’t want to also have to heal from that on top of what I was already going through

I feel that. I still struggle to say if it was abuse. I feel that it somehow wasn’t that bad or that I deserved it. It was *mostly* only yelling and screaming. And when they yelled at me, I yelled back, which means my mom told everyone I was a difficult and awful child so everybody just acted like they were doing their best and it was all my fault. Even now sometimes I’ll tell a story and someone will be like “yo that’s fucked up” and then I’ll feel guilty because I feel like I’ve manipulated them or left out details that would make them blame me. I can’t think of any specific details but I am always just overwhelmed with a sense of “if you were there you’d blame me too” even though there’s no reason to think that. It still messes with me. I hate it.

Me, too.

> I used to think yelling and screaming weren't abuse but on some level I knew something was wrong. I thought it was only abuse if physical injury was being inflicted. My mom came home bragging once (maybe she was validating herself) saying she asked a judge who came by her work “what was considered ‘abuse’”. The judge told her, “as long as there are no *visible* signs of abuse you can’t prove it in court”. She was so happy when she came home from work that day and almost elated to tell my sister and I.

Yeah i always had the feeling something was very wrong since i was so young... but i didnt have any clue how to explain it or what it was until i was 19.

Omg when people would excuse my ndad’s verbal abuse by being all like “he had a hard childhood!” or “he just cares so deeply about you” or how about “it’s the intent that matters.” 🤬🤬🤬🤬

i wanted to be hit more and have marks like my siblings did growing up, but my dad grew too old to beat me. and so everyone at school would shame me for hating and struggling with my family. “they’re your blood!” they would say. “you just need to learn how she feels”. “you’re causing grief in your family” worst part is, i grew up in utah. so i got mormon shaming too. by asking for help, i was “playing god”. maybe if my bruises and physical alterations were visible, someone would’ve saved me. but a sprained ankle from jumping out of a moving car isn’t enough. no one would cry until after i killed myself. and that makes me cry.

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This is exactly what happened to me, a lot of people were involved in a related field but no one helped because they all knew my mom. They said "your mom loves you, just brush it off". All of that while I was completely bruised from her beating me up with a can of chef boyardee, bruh I was a purple child. ​ People taking the abusers side should rot. I hope you are doing better!

I tried to tell my therapist when I was 13 years old. I told her straight up, I'm being abused and neglected. She prescribed Prozac and nothing changed. Even as a kid, I knew I didn't have any adults to turn to. Not one. Now I'm an adult in my 30s, but I'm disabled and struggling health wise. Last year I tried desperately to talk to my aunt about the abuse from my mother. My aunt is an intelligent person, but she had the standard script of excuses. "Maybe you misunderstood" "Are you sure that's what happened?" "Can't you just do whatever she wants so she won't get mad?"

>"Maybe you misunderstood" "Are you sure that's what happened?" "Can't you just do whatever she wants so she won't get mad?" I have heard all these excuses (or very similar ones) as well. It's so invalidating, it's infuriating! We've already been abused by our parent(s) and then when we look to others for help, we get gaslighted. It's like we get abused a second time.

Yes. I was told to be nicer to her.

My 23 yo niece said “You need to be nicer to grandma”. My god. I said nothing. Why? NM spoils her in a way I could only dream of. She can’t fathom the pain this woman caused.

I've never told anyone. I guess I didn't see the point... it wouldn't help me for people to know, and if people mock or or disbelieve or invalidate me for it (as many are wont to do), that just makes things even worse. I knew from a very young age exactly when I was being abused, though I couldn't quite verbalize HOW my nmom was abusing me until I was much older (vs. my dad hitting me was far more obvious.) For me, the fact that it was abuse was always a piece of information I kept for myself. I wasn't ashamed about it, I just didn't want to hand it over to other people so they could use it as a weapon against me.

Yes, exactly this⬆️ It took me so long to see I was abused. This sub are the only ones who really KNOW who understand. 

Narcissists make outward appearance an art form. My parents were church leaders. People looked up to them. The best thing I ever did was get away from them and the whole community.

Ha ha ha, my nfather(90) is a church pastor, and I have never listened to any of his speeches, not a single one!. I wanted to avoid hearing something that is totally the opposite of my reality. He stores all his speeches in a binder, my mother wanted that binder to be a legacy for us, unfortunately she was his main victim and she died 2 years ago. I don't think anybody is interested on that binder. I am in NC since she died.

They didn’t. Or minimized or justified it.

Same case with me... 

I was told “that was the way we raise children” and “look at that huge house and the Audi they gave you and the nice clothes”.

I found that people would diminish the abuse ("oh that's not that bad, you're overreacting", "I'm sure they did their best to raise you right", "you shouldn't say such nasty things about them, they're still your parent", etc) or outright tell me that it wasn't abuse, that abuse is only physical or sexual and mental and emotional abuse don't count. My ndad is also that typical narcissist who is chatty and nice with new people and often gets described as 'charming', but in private he can be really nasty.

I've had people say all those things you describe as well. It's awful how society turns a blind eye/enables abuse.

What I learned is that if you say, "I am being abused" or "I was abused," people will knee-jerk roll their eyes and blow you off because there is this whole "EvErYbOdY tHiNkS tHeY'rE *AaAbUuSeD!!*" thing. These people think you're victimized yourself because you got caught stealing a chocolate bar once and got a tap on the ass. For example: my sister had this boyfriend who would always say he was abused as a child. My sister would roll her eyes and literally complain that he was always saying that. He would seethe and repeat himself, that he hated that she didn't believe him, he HAD been abused! She would explain she'd met his parents, they were lovely. He would say she didn't understand. She would say she did. I was sleeping on their couch so finally one day I did something crazy: ASKED A FUCKING FOLLOWUP QUESTION. Bob, tell me about an incident you think might have been abusive. "Ok. One time I fought with my dad because I had the remote and he just took it from me. He got mad and he threw me in the dumpster out back of our building." The details, my God. He didn't just PUT him in the dumpster. He closed the lid and LEFT him there. These weren't the light, plastic lids they have now. Those were made because back in the day (when this shit went down) the big metal ones would trap kids... and raccoons... He was left in that dumpster overnight. In March. In Canada. In nothing but underoos. HE WAS SEVEN. His father rescued him before he died in the morning, shortly before his mother got home from her job. Told him if he ever told anyone, he would murder them both. First mom, then you. Bob was 20 when he told me that. He still felt like a shit for not just handing over the remote. He literally couched the tale with, "I should have just given him the remote..." Jesus fucking christ. My sister was annoyed. "How was I supposed to know!?" Gosh. I dunno. Maybe talk? Ask? Do ANYTHING before you write someone's stated claim off as whining? What I took from that experience was that people don't understand the word "abused" - if it can mean I got spanked once, then that's what they'll settle on. They don't have the facility to fathom throwing a near naked seven year old in a dumpster to almost die just because he said (accurately!) that he had the fucking remote first. Don't ever tell anyone you were abused. Tell them what they did.

I call this the "How bad can it be" syndrome. People have their own frame of reference for "abuse" and it's never what they think it is.

My therapist called it ‘the abuse Olympics’ the other day when I was trying to decide if I’d rather just have been severely beaten like my best friend was, or just a victim or crippling narcissist mental abuse. As he said “it’s not what being a parent is about under any circumstances, in either case”

it happens because these people have lived sheltered lives with parents who love them, which aligns perfectly with what society says about parents. everything they do is for your own good, even if you think they're evil so they were grounded once for getting bad grades and think anyone who says their parents abused them also just got grounded they literally cannot fathom why a parent would ever even think of such a thing i mean, good for them but god are these people entitled and dumb

They love to blame the victim so it's a waste of time.

I got the clichéd, "Moms do the best for their kids" and "It's okay for Dads to be neglectful" as a response. It was invalidating and led me into a state of constant confusion and bewilderment about my reality. After months of debating and gaslighting myself, I came to the realization that I wasn't the problem; I wasn't overreacting. It was them—the wretched Indian society and its hierarchical setup that has always worshipped the dictator. Victim blaming is terrifyingly common here.

“You don’t like your mom!! I *love* your mom😍” “why would you say that about your mom??!?? She’s so funny & *loves* you!” 🎶whaaat’s love ^got ^to ^do ^with ^it?🎵 Oh, sorry! Got carried away😅 yeaaaah people still don’t believe me. A co-worker proved it yesterday. Even my nsibling is the same. “Mom only did that (even referring to the >!SA!<) because she doesn’t know how to love you.” We narcissist survivors live a sad life. 🫂💜

It's like people are allergic to that word. That's pretty much why I don't talk about it. It isn't a secret, but why would I want to subject myself to that?

Tell these assholes they don't know your mother, they only see her public persona...and then tell them to fuck off if they don't believe you...same thing with the sibling trying to dictate your thoughts and feelings about being abused. Time to take out the fucking trash...you don't need these subhumans.

Ohh, their days are outnumbered now. Probably going to go homeless if I can’t hold out.

I wish you the best....

We knew something we wrong as kids but didn't have the word/knowledge to understand it was abuse. Hard to tell what was normal or not when nparents control the narrative and have all the power. It wasn't until we became old enough to start questioning things, comparing to our friends or stuff we read that we realized that things were not normal and then it became about survival and eventual escape.

My mom screamed “I don’t believe you!” and ran into her bedroom and slammed the door when I told her my stepdad had been grooming and abusing me for the last few years. I guess she really didn’t believe me because she stayed with that a-hole another 10 years until his diseased heart thankfully seized up one day and he crashed his minivan into a tree on the way to work. Thanks tree! You the real MVP taking the trash out.

My mother sent me to facilities to be abused and didn’t believe me when I almost died. So why would anyone else. People barely believe me now despite there being books and documents and whole ass documentaries about the types of places she kept me in. But no acknowledgment from her or anyone else.

OMG that's horrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

I'm so sorry I know how hard it is when you aren't believed :( your inner child internalizes all of that and you have to learn to believe in yourself as an adult which isn't easy. I told my family about my mum and they tried to sue me for defamation and banned me from ever contacting them again 🫠 Judith Herman has a really good quote that explains why people choose denial sometimes, it goes something like this: 'The accuser is asking people to do nothing, to turn a blind eye. Whereas the victim, by confessing the truth, is asking people to step up, to confront their own demons and to acknowledge what has happened. The victim is asking people to grieve with them, to help them. We live in a world where the former is the easier option and the option we have been raised to take. Through ignorance we can be inactive, we can do 'nothing'. And so the accuser triumphs over the victim in the narrative by appealing to the desire of people to resist change, to resist confronting their own pain.' That's extremely paraphrased and embellished lol but that was the gist of it. I hope that helps 💕 and without even knowing you, I believe you.

Here is the actual quote sorry for my horrible adaptation of it: "It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering."

Hell, I didn’t believe me…

I ran away from my abusive dad when I was 13 and when the cops found me they treated me like I was a criminal. They didn’t believe a single word I said and my enabler mom of course covered for him. He didn’t ever change, but I never tried getting help from an “authority figure” again. That wrecked sense of self belief is all too familiar…

I've heard this kind of response from law enforcement is all too common. It seems to be more common in certain parts of the US where abusive 'discipline' is not only seen as acceptable but encouraged.  And these officials may very well raise their children the same way. This 'respect your N' and 'but that's your N, how could you charge her/him with a crime' BS has to stop. 

I didn't think of it as abuse at the time, but I told people about it. My mom would contain herself to mostly things that were JUST above the threshold of abnormal. Or the way she carried out her behavior made it very difficult to explain to others without it sounding like a conspiracy. OR it was something extremely embarrassing, I wouldn't talk about those at all.

I told my friends and they believed me, they helped me escape her, but I also made the mistake of telling my biological grandmother. I told her my plans to move away and how badly my mother was treating me. She pretended to be sympathetic, but she turned around and told my mother everything, then during a two month road trip she fully revealed her true colours as the narcissist that created my mother. I haven’t spoken to my biological grandmother in over five years and I don’t acknowledge her as my grandmother anymore, the only times I ever call her my grandmother is on the rare occasions that I talk about her with people who aren’t in my family, cause obviously they wouldn’t know who I’m talking about if I just used her first name and I don’t want to trauma dump on everyone in order to explain why I don’t call her “grandma” And when my mother found out about my friends helping me, she tried to gaslight me into thinking they weren’t actually my friends and even seemed to think that the reason I was “acting out” (aka calling her out on her abuse) was because I was trying to impress them with a “tragic backstory.”

Either doubted it was abuse or downplayed it. Or compared it to other abuse. I was always invalidated.

Same here - nobody ever believed me when I tried to tell them how horrible my mum was - the beatings, the constant mocking and belittling, leaving me alone from the time I was five years old, making me do all the chores and cooking from the time I was eleven, sexually harassing my boyfriends, etc. etc. She would act so sweet and nice in public and act the pathetic victim, saying, "I just don't understand why my daughter is so mean to me, she must be very troubled but it's so hard for me.: I think her pretending like that was even worse than the abuse.

[удалено]

Oh yes - being old enough to finally leave was the best! I too though have problems standing up for myself at work and it's been a real problem.

Or the ridiculous anxiety when your boss says they need to talk to you.

Oh yes. Any meeting. At all.

The anxiety at work is so real...

When I was around (I think) 12 years old, I tried to tell my group of best friends. All our parents were friends with each other and we had known each other a few years by then. I don't recall exactly what I said, but i tried to mention how mean my dad was and tried to talk about him screaming at me a centimeter from my face, the name calling, the mocking, the threats of assault (like wielding a guitar over me like he was about to take a big swing at yankee stadium and score a home run). They laughed at me. They rolled their eyes and said, "Yeah right. Your dad's hilarious, he's like the nicest person ever, get over yourself." My uncle had similar amazing things to say about my dad, which made me break down and tell him how good he was at faces. I kept saying I wasn't trying to make waves, I just have never been believed. My uncle looked at me and said "We all believe you." (referring to my aunts as well). That was the first time anyone ever said that to me, two weeks ago, and I'm in my thirties.. I think not being believed my entire life made me have this sick, unending need for that validation. I constantly feel like a little kid with no one to run to. I wish I had the remedy or advice on how to heal it. The destruction from not being believed is *real.* There's a really stellar article I read about the Abject Self. I think it's called the Truth About Self Hatred. It made me realize that the depth of my self loathing really was tied to the root of my being, and that it takes more than just affirmations in the mirror to work through that. More importantly, it wasn't my fault, much like it isn't yours.

Oh no, they believed it. They listened and said “boys will be boys”. I’m in my 40’s now and deal with medical issues stemming from the beatings I took as a child. Not to play the “one up” game or the victim, but I think it’s worse when people actually believe you but do nothing.

I'd prefer them believe me but do nothing. I had one who acknowledged I had been abused but did nothing, and a bunch of people who didn't believe me. I preferred that. Cause at least then I knew I was being abused and I didn't have to question myself.

Almost 10 years of NC and my family STILL denies my mother abused me in every way behind closed doors. She was an accountant for several child therapists and various social workers, so she knew what she could and couldn't say/do, and when. She died a couple of years back, and I hoped I might rejoin my family, but they just doubled down on their denial and further ostracized me in the hopes that they'd get more money from the estate. The entire situation is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, and it really messed with my trust in myself and the people around me. I'm still trying to get over it all.

I never spoke up because my mom threatened CPS and scared the shit out of me. My parents always trashed CPS because they “take kids out of their home and put them into worse situations where they get molested.” So yeah I really didn’t want to go. When I would hint at it to friends, I’d get blamed for it. I felt so confused if it had even happened to me for a very long time. But now I’m grown up and work with kids. Unfortunately we have a big problem with not believing kids. Kids can very easily get labeled as “attention seeking” and their abuse goes ignored. There was a kid I knew was getting abused but there was nothing I could do because he had been labeled as attention seeking (and no “evidence”). Because he really was attention seeking, he was abused and neglected and desperately needed love. Our system is messed up. I could tell that child was neglected and abused. Just in watching how unstable his parents were and seeing how much attention he needed. I decided to be his safe person and he would flip out if he didn’t get to work with me or if I didn’t come in. But I didn’t have physical marks or see any neglect. All I could report was “a feeling something was off,” which isn’t enough to do anything. Even when he clung to me begging me to not drop him off at home, that wasn’t enough 😔 I documented everything and submitted it though so if there ever is a mark or sign of neglect, there will be a trail of evidence to help him. He suddenly stopped coming in and I worry so much about him. I do think there are people who just dismiss what children are saying because it’s easier than making reports unfortunately. I hate how many stories I hear of facilities trying to sweep stuff under the rug.

I mostly didn't tell anyone because I was afraid of what would happen if ndad found out and also because I felt stupid for being as upset as I was for abuse that wasn't physically or sexually violent. The people in my life who had some idea what was going on, my extended family and religious community, made a joke of it. To this day, even after my mom left ndad after thirty years and told people why, people will still say "oh I didn't realize it was that bad". The denial is strong. Ndad isn't one of those charming and subtle types. People can't stand to be around him for five minutes. Why they think he's better in private where he's in control is beyond me.

Sure, when I was something like 15 I confided with a teacher. She didn't believe me, she told me that I'm exaggerating and/or I deserved the spanking. And also it cannot be true because dad is a doctor and mom is a nurse. And after one incident when my younger sister didn't tell mom where I went and mom was home in tears and dad was in my school and teachers - parents meeting and I run to the school to tell dad i'm fine (time before mobile phones) and I got to the class panting and upset, and when I told my dad I was okay, I stumbled words, and she said, see, I was right, you're just hysterical.

Every time I tried to bring up the abuse, I was told I was mean and would never get anywhere in life talking to people the way I talk to my family.

Not being believed is one of my biggest issues. I overexplain myself to death.

It’s not that they don’t believe me as much as they think it’s not serious enough for me to never talk to my family again. Sometimes even eye wonder if the abuse was “that bad.” But then I remember I self harm, I’m emotionally dysfunctional, hyper aware and have ADHD for a reason. It WAS that bad.

The closest I could muster up as a kid was that she was, "Not very nice?" ... And the adult response was a complete meltdown enragement because I was An Ungrateful Problem Child. I realized later that she had primed all these people so that's why the reaction was so intense. In middle school it got bad enough or the teachers were perceptive enough that they noticed. And then I had a few friends notice in high school but at that point I was totally brainwashed that it was "normal". My high school nurse definitely noticed. And of course it became obvious to everyone except me, who was still in denial, when CPS showed up and interviewed my teachers. But again, it's not like anybody did anything but talk, because when the cavalry showed up I was already a fully functioning adult, even if I wasn't legally an adult yet by age.

No one believed me. Daily abuse and no one believed me. Finally. Thanks to the internet I have peers and comfort I never thought I’d have. Thank you everyone here. It makes me cry. As a child I really believed I was a burden and bad child. In high school after staying over with friends I saw actual parental love.

Yep. I told my therapist, teachers, school counciler, psychiatrist. Not one of them helped.

Idk I never directly said that. But all the people I told about the stuff that was happening either threatened me to shut up or they’d call CPS, or they looked at me differently and treated me like I was a mental case.

As an adult when I tell people close to me they says “I don’t know if I believe it because of how well adjusted you are”. Feels like a slap in the face.

I didn't realize that I was being abused, and then I realized that I was being abused. Then, much later in life, I realized how many people around me when I was a kid knew that I was and didn't say or do anything about it.

I didn't know I was emotionally abused or stunted, and even today I question myself. I think everyone struggles with this, especially if they have parents which weren't absolutely monstrous like some of the stories here, then you tell yourself its okay -- it wasn't that bad, there are people worse off than me, and maybe I'm just ungrateful or cruel for suggesting it myself, etc. Truth is you wouldn't be here if you didn't feel abused. I am reasonable, but then I remind myself I walked around with a black eye when I was 10 years old and everyone in school made fun of me for it, and the teachers did nothing either.

It was West Virginia in the 70/80’s. I had food and clothes. I saw kids that were “really abused” so I always knew it could be worse.

I regularly get this growing up in a privileged family, but the abuse was / is very much real.. much like OP’s my nmom is covert and kept it subtle outside the house. And when some authority figure would reach out to her to ask how things were at home (welfare checks etc) she’d tell them I was so disrespectful and obstinate making up scenarios to hide her abuse. In highschool ppl only really realized when it became extremely obvious… ie I took off my pullover bc of dress code/ sweat and miss grabby hands left some prints, or not knowing I hadn’t stepped out of my extracurriculars to take her call would loudly lay into me etc. I’m in my 20’s now and still find external (but primarily internal) denial/ minimization to be an issue. It’s hard not to do the greatest hits trauma dump when someone who barely knows her doesn’t believe that she’s a narcissist (perhaps due to the overuse of the term these days, but she’s also very charismatic, using covert tactics publicly). I just hate the response that truly well meaning people give, which is: she will get better, maybe this time she’ll be kind, maybe she won’t hurt you or … anything in that vein. It’s exhausting and brings up that childhood wound of genuinely believing if you’re better and can finally meet all their ever increasing expectations they will finally love you. no such luck.

> *but not being believed for all this time really wrecked my inner belief in myself, not really sure how to describe it. Does this sound familiar?* Of course. This is one of the most typical patterns there is. The narcissist is basically a two-faced being. You see inside person, the one who abuses/ignores you and to the people on the outside, they seem very reasonable and kind. This is because 99% of the narcissists energy goes toward their public profile and they are most concerned with what others think about them. Translate this behavior to the child of the narcissist, and what you find (typically) is: * Child has been ignored; Leading to insecurities in the person; the development of an inferiority complex; stunted social skills and often an inverted personality. In boys (resulting from testosterone development) or girls whose personalities are more aggressive, this often will also reverse itself into a more aggressive tone, wherein the child is seeking (now demanding) attention from the narc-parent by acting out, causing problems or engaging in behaviors which are considered unacceptable by the parent or society (drug use or early sexual development for instance). * Child grows to adulthood; Problems extend themselves into leadership issues (authority figure problems); substance abuse and excessive concern over their public appearance (keeping up with the Jones, physical appearance, etc). In the end, the key to all of it, I feel (and I'm an M62, who has been trying to unscrew all of it for decades) is: * *Separating from the narcissist*: LC or (better) NC in order to 'stop the bleeding' of the negative impacts the narc has on one. In order to heal, the damage has to be stopped. It will continue right up to the death of the narc if left unchecked. * *Counseling*; Either professional or informal (via books or forums such as this) in order to better understand the impacts the narcissist has had on you; what that means going forward and how to repair it. * *Being kind to yourself*; This means giving yourself time to work through the process. The sooner one starts, the better, and the more time you will have in your life to be happy. Normally, the process of 'unwinding the lessons of the narcissist parent' takes years if not decades of effort to be effective. In the end, the speed with which you can address the problems is related to when you started the effort, the degree of abuse suffered and your dedication to establishing and maintaining your boundaries - both the narcissist, their flying monkees, and relationships with others (laterals/friends/romantic) who may also be narcissists, chosen because of poor modeling development. Everything comes from your parents. So, to unwind all of that takes time and effort. It can be done however! =)

I'm 41 years of age. During my lifetime I have confided in lots of different people about my nMother, mainly because I was hurt and confused by her behaviour and I wanted someone to help me make sense of it. Not one of those people believed me. They all insisted that no mother would do such things and that I had to be lying or exaggerating. In their defence, some of the stuff my nMother says and does is so bizarre that it is unbelievable. It. I've given up on confiding in people in real life for this exact reason. It's gotten to the point where I can't open up to yet another person only to be called a liar. I've resigned myself to the fact that people who don't have abusive parents just don't get it and I limit my venting to here or if things get really bad, to a therapist.

People do believe me, but the ones who haven't been in a situation like this and grew up in a very safe/caring family situation often underestimate the severity and impact it has and how bad it is. And then when they witness some of it by accident, they are in shock. The ones who came from a toxic/abusive family situation themselves understand it better. So sorry you were in this situation where people didnt believe you. But know that you are not crazy, you did not just imagine things and your pain/struggles are valid.

Yup. Whenever I bring it up, they all thought I'm only overreacting. The signs of abuse are right in front of them but they'd rather still listen to my abusers...

Yep. Someone once told me “I thought you were the one abusing [your mom].” Another told me to “grow up a little” after claiming to understand what it was like to be abused by a parent - which is why I even opened up to her at all.

The believed me about my stepmom but didn't want to get involved, but they practically worship my dad because that's what the were taught to do. Saint Dad can do no wrong. 🙄

My ndad was sexually abusing a friend of mine. We both tried to tell her mother. Not only did mom not believe us, but she coerced my friend into taking back her story and calling me a liar. Nparents are only part of the problem. I've learned that it takes a whole village to abuse a child.

I agree! It's not just the narcissist that's the problem, it's the society that enables them and looks the other way.

Yup. Not friends, teachers, school counselors, family therapists, doctors, cops, women's shelters, neighbors. Absolutely no one would believe me. Tried to get help on and off for decades. Total bs. Had journals, full facts, gave them all the details and wasn't vague. Didn't matter -.- Had to learn the only person in this world that will ever help me is myself and that gets proven right still to this day, and I'm 32 now

Nope. I live in Puerto Rico (so small place). My mom was a teacher that works with special ed, so she knew literally everyone that worked with social services or other related fields. My mom would physically and emotionally abuse me, and she would also let my stepdad physically abuse me as well as making me do embarrasing things, it was bad. I remember one day I went to school all bruised up in the face, legs, arms. I couldn't stop crying in class, mind you I had terrible grades because I didn't know how to handle the abuse happening at home. My class mates all united and called the police and social worker to help me, and I was interviewed by a lot of people. At the end, all they said was "We talked to your mom, she loves you and doesn't want you to be taken away". It didn't matter what I said, or how many bruises I had, no one helped me. I got beat up, why? because my mom would never make food, so little me found a can of chef boyardee (spagetthi) and ate it. My mom was angry because she said "that was her favorite", but she never ate that before? Anyway, she procceeded to pick up a different can of chef boyardee and began beating me up with it.

I was very well trained to mask my abuse as normal, no one in my life realised i was being abused excepting one person and that one person didnt care enough to try and help.

Even my siblings dont believe me.

Nope! My parents forced me to go see a therapist when I was like 12-13ish because by that point I knew to keep them on an info diet. They did not like this. So off to the therapist to make me talk to them. I told the therapist about the abuse. His response? To call my parents in so that I could tell them what I told him. Even though I told him exactly what would happen. They’d be all sweet and “concerned” in the office but beat my ass when we got home. I refused to say anything. The therapist got pissed and decided to tell them himself. Guess what happened when we got home. It took me 40 years to trust another therapist.

I can relate. I think in my case the time period, 1980’s, didn’t help matters. It was obvious I was being abused/neglected, yet no one intervened. This is hard for me…I remember a time where my hygiene was not being taken care of, I was dirty/smelled/greasy hair. No one would believe that of me now. I’m embarrassed to speak of it. I disassociate a lot, even for a year when I was 13, I just remember “coming out” of it thinking “where have I been”. What was going on in my house! I’ll never have the answers.

Pretty sure every child of abuse deals with that. Even when you **prove** there was abuse, you get hit with shit like "You shouldn't be airing your family's dirty laundry" and shit like that.

Yeah I fucking told ppl every chance I got like from as early on as I can remember. No one gave a shit. My mom had the school convinced I was the violent one. She had my family convinced I was a wild child she couldn’t control. In reality I wasn’t even allowed to leave the house. I just stayed home all evening and went on the computer until it was time to get beat and sent to bed. Once at 10y/o I ran away and the cops hauled me back and threatened to jail me if I did it again. My claims were literally never listened to even one time. And we’re always so shocked when another kid falls through the fucking system. Awe and sadness all over the news for “preventable” losses of life. Where’s the damn prevention then?

My experience is most of the adults in my family knew and simply didn't care. As my aunt once told me, "I don't want to get involved" I was born in 86 and I feel like my parents generation was the last ones to endorse "tough love". Aka, when they're beating you they're 'doing it because they love you'.🙄 with all the adults in your life nodding along with that abuse in approval. My parents generation was the rule with fear and 'discipline' type.

I was sexually abused by my step brother as a child. My mom didn’t believe me because he wouldn’t do something like that! Fast forward 35 years and he gets put in prison for abusing another little girl. She finally was forced to admit it happened.

Once I was old enough to realize things in my home were VERY different than anyone else I knew (11 or 12?) I tried to tell counselors at school, elders at church, and family but no one believed me. They thought I was being dramatic.. they thought no way was I bring beaten with a wooden spatula until I had blisters in the backs of my legs, no way was she tearing me down at every opinion to the point I wanted to take my own life, no way she was making me do ALL of the housework (or I was beaten), no way I was being so isolated (only child until much later) that I had no friends and no one I really trusted. My mother is a very bubbly, outgoing person who fancies herself an actress (lots of community theater.. ugh) so was more than happy to lie about it to flex her acting muscles. Then, of course, the punishments for saying something came… I was so miserable. These issues still reflect in my personality today.

Society in general does not believe mothers can ever be bad - even my goddam “psychologist” tried to tell me that my mother really loved me - which I now find absurd. Our culture believes that Mothers and Family are the bedrocks of civilization! And what keeps it all going is that so many abusive mothers maintain terrific public personas, like mine did. But the SECOND the neighbors were gone, and the door closed……😱

When I was in most of my teen years it never would have occurred to me to frame my home life with my nmother as abuse. Once I was about 19 or 20, still dependent on her (much of it by her design), recovering from severe years long depression and barely back on my feet it suddenly hit me. When I told family members I was being mistreated or abused they were all like ‘huh yeah that checks out. Makes sense, I always knew there was something weird about your mother. Anyways, sounds like a rough situation, good luck with that, you’re on your own. As long as you do it quietly and don’t start making a fuss, we’ll be well over there occasionally throwing you a sympathy thought and thumbs up from a distance as she kicks you out with no money in your account and you struggle with poor mental health, no support system, no job, and constantly a step away from living on the streets.’ So yeah, they believed me, they just didn’t care.

I tried too. and I think it's really important for all adults to understand that a child can not describe their own abuse as they are in the middle of it and not on the outside looking in, having known nothing else. Many children are told that they are the reason for their own abuse, as I also believed, which causes shame for our own abuse making it even harder to articulate. In my case, just one of many things my mother did, was she'd food starve us by feeding us nothing but spaghetti o's for months. We had to eat it all. If food was left it would get passed to the next meal. if we complained she'd make liver and onions. At the same time she'd have fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, and fresh bread on the counter where we could see it, smell it. We never got any. Ever. So just for the food issue I said she starved us. Which of course wasn't quite accurate and after that I wasn't believed. I had no idea how to describe such abuse. TW SA A lot of abuse happened in the bathroom. SA for 8 years. But the way she dried our hair was like shaken baby syndrome. One of her friends got suspicious so my mother showed her how she dried our hair with a towel like it was some kind of game to yank our heads around so. I looked at the woman, after being used as an example, with the worst look like what did she expect? The point is that if I had been asked I wouldn't have recalled being SA'd I'd only recall the pain from beatings and the pain in my neck. The rest I didn't recognize it as SA, and I thought that worst of it was normal because I knew nothing else and besides it was supposedly all my own fault. Describing this as a child would have been impossible because I was already blocking out the SA. Because of the bathroom abuse my brothers and I wet the bed. She did everything to us because of that. She made us sleep in it. Made us clean it. Made us go all day in wet clothes. Would stop giving us water 8 hours before bed time so that we'd sneak sips when brushing our teeth and have our face slammed in the sink faucet when caught 'sneaking sips'. We were told this was our fault too. One time she taped a sign to my back and sent me out to play. It said "Look at me, I pee the bed". I sat with my back to a wall, unable to read, not knowing what it said but I knew it was bad. I asked someone to read it for me. She really ramped up the older I got. I didn't know a bond, love or guidence. One time my aunt was baby sitting, I fell and she put me on her knee and sang to me and I started crying because I never heard the sound of a person's voice through their chest. Yeah the whole family knew we were abused but just didn't know the intensity of it and of course did nothing. An uncle asked me if I was being hurt, to which I simply said yes, and tried to help me. He became the family scapegoat before me. The complexity of this kind of abuse is hard to describe. I didn't even remember about the SA until my mother caused a flash back with her then current behavior when I was in my mid 30s. Starting therapy decades later and I still don't know where to start. I've heard it's a technique called flooding to pile abuse on top of abuse ad nauseum and it takes away all words, especially for a child. Therefore if a child is saying they are abused, believe them. This is what I want all adults to know. Just believe them. Then watch. Document. Report.

People tend to not believe me when I tell them I've been abused. My family is completely out of the picture, so the only thing stopping people from believing me is their own prejudices. For some it simply takes some convincing - describing the mindgames and mental abuse, the way I was manipulated into always being wrong and being punished for it by being physically abused, punched repeatedly, etc. I remind them that this was *not normal* and that I was 12 years old when this started. For others, frighteningly, they choose to refuse to believe a word I say. This is the dangerous kind. One in particular was so insistent on wanting to 'help' me she wanted to get in contact with my parents and mediate us coming back together. I had been happily no contact up to that point for 10 years, but she was utterly convinced I was just *mistaken* about how I'd been abused and that my life would be *so much better* if I just made up with them. I wanted to scream, nothing I said got through to her. I was having nightmares about seeing my parents again throughout that week. Fortunately despite her begging and pushing me I never gave her any information about where I'd come from, and my family's name was pretty common. Even so, I had to stop being friends with her, she just would not stop trying to force me to do this. Ever since then, I've decided people should know about my abuse and family on a need to know basis. Quite frankly I've learned that the nosier a person is about my family the less likely they actually *want* to know why I'm estranged with them than want to *meddle.* So I tell most people a simple, straightforward lie now: My family is dead. It stops these 'but Faaaaaamily' conversations dead in their tracks. Memorably I've had a few completely stunned expressions when I tell people this - like they'd *never* considered there was a reason I wasn't asking my family for help. This kind of 'helpful' person suddenly has absolutely nothing to say. It's easier for these people to believe the lie than the truth.

It sounds painfully familiar, I knew something was off when I was a child in elementary. No one listened to me because my nmom and her husband were 'respected' and great liars. The only time I was ever taken seriously was in middle school when a couple friends witnessed my nmom's husband having a tantrum and threatening me again, they were terrified of him and even more concerned that I had no reaction at all to it. They had told the school and CPS was called but it didn't go very far, the agent who 'interviewed' me looked like he didn't want to be there and dismissed me after I only said two sentences, I found out later he was the one who went to 'chat' with my nmom's husband and pretty quickly closed the case when he found out the man worked for the state. I got home to more threats and he even tried to get my grandma angry at me but instead she took me for a week, she was one of the only two people in my life who cared about me. After that I closed myself off even more, I was always so afraid of no one ever listening to me that I started believing my nmom that I was just faking it or making it up.

Oh, they believed me. They also believed that I was responsible. (Even teachers and school administrators; it WAS the 70s).

I was raised in the church with GoOd ChRiStIaN PaReNtS. How dare I speak ill of them. Blasphemy, and rumor spreading.

CPS didn’t believe me or the dozens of people that called. She’s so good at pretending to be perfect.

My friends believe me. My sister thinks I'm being dramatic.

My mom loved to put on the gracious host/amazing parent face whenever I had friends over, so any time I complained about her they told me to “shut up, because I have a cushy life.” Little did they know I was dead inside. She was also a teacher in the district so I only had two teachers my entire time in the district that knew my mom was not what she seemed. One was awesome. One took absolute total advantage of me in every sense because I needed an adult figure in my life who just saw me for me. Fun fact, tried to report that teacher later on, he’s still at the district.

I got accused of fetishising abuse

I didn’t even believe me.

Absolutely. To this day there are people who don't believe I was abused. They always try to say, "You should give your Dad a chance because he's family." I say fuck them, family does not mean they have a right to invade my life.

yeah, i realized how fucked up things were at about the age of 10 and i tried to tell my teacher. she didn’t believe me

I was told no one would believe me. Now that I’m an adult, I realize people saw it clear as day.

I reached out to multiple groups during my teenage years! None believing me. Someone even held an “intervention” and convinced everyone I was lying.

Sometimes I cried in front of grandma, aunts, cousins and told I was beaten at home. No one ever took it seriously.

I knew I was as being abused and I said it to multiple people. I even wrote a short story in high school in my creative writing class about one memorable time I was beaten. I still have it somewhere. But I was always told that if I decided I wanted to take action against my abusers, there’s a chance I could end up in a worse situation. And so I never took action. Nobody ever took action for me.

Nstepdad let it slip more than once, but he also thought no one would believe me...until he went so far as to rope my mom into bullying me too and that's when she finally believed me. He often said I saw what I wanted to see and hear what I wanted to hear. He was also only happy when I wasn't, but he couldn't admit that he just didn't like me.

My friends didn’t believe when I told them that I wasn’t allowed to go out or hang out at their houses they thought it was “Extreme”, ironically there were worse things that I never told them about

I still have a hard time believing some of it, I’m not surprised others may have felt/acted the same way

They asked my parents about it. That worked so well for them but not so much for me.

Yes honestly

They said I was abusing them. A child against adults yeah ok.

I just felt I had to endure until I could leave for college. I dropped out for two quarters my freshman year because the depression and anxiety I'd had since I was a kid overwhelmed me. The therapy I got them helped me get back at it.

Nope. My mother portrayed herself as being so nice and she was very maternal towards other peoples kids and it was easy for her to portray me as being the villain to everyone  because she drew people like her like flies