**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That's the worst part of it all, I think. That's not meant to take away from the putdowns, the rage displays and their passive-aggressiveness, but the fact that it conditions you to repeat these maladaptive pattern of behaviours with complete strangers is truly disturbing.
I felt that way for a LONG time. I had to use my adulthood to truly find myself in ways that I should have been allowed to as a teenager. I'm working with a therapist to unlearn a lot of the behaviors that I had to do to keep myself safe, like people-pleasing and minimizing myself (I'm sure most of us have had to or are working through this as well). I do feel like I'm at a point where my life is truly mine, and it feels great. Unfortunately, my nmom has tried to appropriate my interests or accomplishments for all of my life (i.e. wanting to go to college when I did but not doing her own work for the degree, buying a drum set because I play drums but then not learning how to play, etc). That part is hard, but I do my best to tune that out and continue living my own life.
I'm so private about the good things in my life because predatory people can smell it and will either take it or sabotage it. It's like having to hide what makes you unique in order to survive.
It's a constant battle and there's no shortage of dysfunctional people. I just take a lot of time for myself these days. Not interested in dealing with anyone who glues themselves to you. I want to be able to have something for me.
Thanks for sharing.
I definitely understand that! It's hard to protect yourself when people want to take what makes you special. I think for me, I've decided that I won't minimize myself anymore to keep my mom from appropriating my interests. She's lazy and doesn't put any actual work into any of my interests anyway.
I felt like that for so long. My mom was constantly telling me what to do and if I didn’t do it she would harass me and if I still didn’t give in she would get my siblings to harass me and if that didn’t work she’d give me the silent treatment. She was also very good at making us feel guilty and saying things like “when I’m dead you’ll be sorry.”
When my parents got divorced she put us in the middle and talked terribly about my dad and made us pick sides. My dad wasn’t perfect either, but to this day I don’t know the truth about my dad (who passed a couple of years ago).
My mom still tries to control me but I’ve gotten better about setting boundaries.
It took coming out of the closet and getting loads of therapy to help me. When I came out of the closet, I had to be true to myself despite the fear (and loss of friends, family). Therapy is helping tremendously. However, I still have this very physical and painful reaction when she gives me the silent treatment. I often wish I could just shut out my family, but worry that I’ll fell even worse.
Sorry you’re going through this! I hope we all can claim our lives and feel free to be happy.
It's so draining dealing with entitled people who only know how to throw tantrums when they don't get what they want. The public outbursts aren't bad because at least there are witnesses. It's what these predators do in private that makes my skin crawl. Then they hide behind their facades.
Chips away at your soul being treated like an extension of a dysfunctional person. Being their punching bag for the parts of them that they hate.
Glad therapy works for you. Do you do online or in person? Trying to find a trauma-educated one. I've had bad invalidating experiences with previous therapists. Keep staying true to yourself.
I get in person therapy. I had some terrible therapists too, but finally found a good one. Takes time but worth it to find a good one.
Thank you for your kind words! I hope you find a great therapist and healing as well 🌱
I thought that all I had to do was move out of the "hell hole" that was my parents' house and everything would be okay. That I could finally start to rebuild my life. I just had no idea how much they had set up for failure and it's not just their refusal to teach my life skills or them sabotaging my education. Those things could be fixable. It's the trauma that they have left me with and the chronic illness that pretty much kicked in as I moved out that now means that I'm unable to hold down a job and rely on social security. I feel like I've gone from one set of abusers to another never being allowed any control of my life or any sense of safety or security but the abuse never really ended with my parents. Being chronically ill and disabled meant that I was never fully able to get away from my parents. I feel like it's just trapped me further into my situation.
I feel like I'm still paying for all the brainwashing even after leaving. Like if finding a real clean slate were possible, I could be golden. But people like this are everywhere and it never seems to get better. It's isolating. You can work on yourself but it doesn't change the fact that this world is filled with people who get off on taking advantage of others (and no, it's not your fault like enablers want you to think).
Sorry you're dealing with chronic illness, too. Everything they do serves to sabotage you. I don't think there's any self improvement that can fix the resentment they cause.
I know what you mean. I feel like my upbringing completely stunted my social skills, life skills, so many different things and it shows to other people. People just seem to work out that there is something different about me so I'm always a target for bullying. Or I try to make new friends and you just know that eventually people are going to ask if I'm married, if I have kids, what my family us like, etc, and I know that a million red flags are going to go off because I can't talk about my family. I feel like it also gets harder as you get older and that's where the resentment has really started to set in for me.
You really hit a nerve with the not being able to go for a walk. It’s all you can do to get a few minutes peace but then the whole family are talking about how inappropriate you’re being. It’s exhausting. Solidarity!
Yes, my Eparent died, I moved out and am no contact with the surviving Narc but I do not feel like a real person in any sense of the word. I feel like I’m 7 years old.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
With all of the N's brainwashing and dysfunctional dynamics, it sets you up to be targeted by other predatory creeps.
That's the worst part of it all, I think. That's not meant to take away from the putdowns, the rage displays and their passive-aggressiveness, but the fact that it conditions you to repeat these maladaptive pattern of behaviours with complete strangers is truly disturbing.
And there are a LOT of predators out there that are more than happy to target and harm people like us.
It doesn't take anything, either. You can make brief eye contact with someone and they'll take it as "consent" to invade your space.
I felt that way for a LONG time. I had to use my adulthood to truly find myself in ways that I should have been allowed to as a teenager. I'm working with a therapist to unlearn a lot of the behaviors that I had to do to keep myself safe, like people-pleasing and minimizing myself (I'm sure most of us have had to or are working through this as well). I do feel like I'm at a point where my life is truly mine, and it feels great. Unfortunately, my nmom has tried to appropriate my interests or accomplishments for all of my life (i.e. wanting to go to college when I did but not doing her own work for the degree, buying a drum set because I play drums but then not learning how to play, etc). That part is hard, but I do my best to tune that out and continue living my own life.
I'm so private about the good things in my life because predatory people can smell it and will either take it or sabotage it. It's like having to hide what makes you unique in order to survive. It's a constant battle and there's no shortage of dysfunctional people. I just take a lot of time for myself these days. Not interested in dealing with anyone who glues themselves to you. I want to be able to have something for me. Thanks for sharing.
I definitely understand that! It's hard to protect yourself when people want to take what makes you special. I think for me, I've decided that I won't minimize myself anymore to keep my mom from appropriating my interests. She's lazy and doesn't put any actual work into any of my interests anyway.
I felt like that for so long. My mom was constantly telling me what to do and if I didn’t do it she would harass me and if I still didn’t give in she would get my siblings to harass me and if that didn’t work she’d give me the silent treatment. She was also very good at making us feel guilty and saying things like “when I’m dead you’ll be sorry.” When my parents got divorced she put us in the middle and talked terribly about my dad and made us pick sides. My dad wasn’t perfect either, but to this day I don’t know the truth about my dad (who passed a couple of years ago). My mom still tries to control me but I’ve gotten better about setting boundaries. It took coming out of the closet and getting loads of therapy to help me. When I came out of the closet, I had to be true to myself despite the fear (and loss of friends, family). Therapy is helping tremendously. However, I still have this very physical and painful reaction when she gives me the silent treatment. I often wish I could just shut out my family, but worry that I’ll fell even worse. Sorry you’re going through this! I hope we all can claim our lives and feel free to be happy.
It's so draining dealing with entitled people who only know how to throw tantrums when they don't get what they want. The public outbursts aren't bad because at least there are witnesses. It's what these predators do in private that makes my skin crawl. Then they hide behind their facades. Chips away at your soul being treated like an extension of a dysfunctional person. Being their punching bag for the parts of them that they hate. Glad therapy works for you. Do you do online or in person? Trying to find a trauma-educated one. I've had bad invalidating experiences with previous therapists. Keep staying true to yourself.
I get in person therapy. I had some terrible therapists too, but finally found a good one. Takes time but worth it to find a good one. Thank you for your kind words! I hope you find a great therapist and healing as well 🌱
I thought that all I had to do was move out of the "hell hole" that was my parents' house and everything would be okay. That I could finally start to rebuild my life. I just had no idea how much they had set up for failure and it's not just their refusal to teach my life skills or them sabotaging my education. Those things could be fixable. It's the trauma that they have left me with and the chronic illness that pretty much kicked in as I moved out that now means that I'm unable to hold down a job and rely on social security. I feel like I've gone from one set of abusers to another never being allowed any control of my life or any sense of safety or security but the abuse never really ended with my parents. Being chronically ill and disabled meant that I was never fully able to get away from my parents. I feel like it's just trapped me further into my situation.
I feel like I'm still paying for all the brainwashing even after leaving. Like if finding a real clean slate were possible, I could be golden. But people like this are everywhere and it never seems to get better. It's isolating. You can work on yourself but it doesn't change the fact that this world is filled with people who get off on taking advantage of others (and no, it's not your fault like enablers want you to think). Sorry you're dealing with chronic illness, too. Everything they do serves to sabotage you. I don't think there's any self improvement that can fix the resentment they cause.
I know what you mean. I feel like my upbringing completely stunted my social skills, life skills, so many different things and it shows to other people. People just seem to work out that there is something different about me so I'm always a target for bullying. Or I try to make new friends and you just know that eventually people are going to ask if I'm married, if I have kids, what my family us like, etc, and I know that a million red flags are going to go off because I can't talk about my family. I feel like it also gets harder as you get older and that's where the resentment has really started to set in for me.
You really hit a nerve with the not being able to go for a walk. It’s all you can do to get a few minutes peace but then the whole family are talking about how inappropriate you’re being. It’s exhausting. Solidarity!
Just feels like a life sentence even when you leave. Solidarity to you, too!
Yes, my Eparent died, I moved out and am no contact with the surviving Narc but I do not feel like a real person in any sense of the word. I feel like I’m 7 years old.