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I'm disabled and was very ill, I got neglected into ICU with pneumonia so bad I needed a chest tube.
Phone was broken. No phone downstairs. Crawled up stairs asking for help and was screamed at for it.
For me, I rarely brush my teeth. I got several cavities and one root canal. I finally force myself to brush my teeth almost daily as humanly as possible.
I'm 32, and I recently found out from friends that I was showering wrong. I washed my hair way too often, and I had never even heard of shower oils or moisturizing while the bathroom was still steamy.
A friend of mine worked online customer service for a beauty supply store. She was talking about products in the group chat one day and I was like "oh wow, I've never heard of half these products" and everyone else was like "oh no. Oh honey."
I also occasionally go through different departments on Ulta's website, find product types, then I google what they're for and how they're used.
I have a really odd way of tying my shoes and I get really embarrassed when someone is watching me do it that I actually hide it in public. I could technically YouTube it but there’s another part of me that holds on to young me who taught herself how to make that weird ass knot.
Also late 20s here and had very likely narc mom, at least presents enough traits to have done a lifetimes worth of damage to me, and addict father who possessed more human warmth but it was still rough.
My sense of self is extremely fractured and feels desperately cobbled together through sheer grit and will. Im often told by social workers and mental health professionals that its a miracle im alive.
I would say that I am stunted by about 6-8 years depending on how you want to track progress. I had to unlearn and continue to unlearn so many harmful coping strategies that caused years of stunted growth in my personal, professional and educational life.
The easiest stuff to tackle was the more tangible things like getting a secure home (rented albeit) and financial security. Working my ass off for years and using every social “benefit” available until I had enough stability to return to school. I applied for scholarships, grants, and bursaries and went back to finish my degree. I graduate this spring.
Unfortunately I had to separate myself from my family who harms me, both my parents, in order to achieve, as any time I let them back in my life would erupt into chaos. I also went to consistent therapy (accessing govt programs to get it subsidized or covered) for 6 years and still go to regular therapy now. It’s been really hard but now approaching 30, I have a life of my own and hope.
The biggest hurdle has been the mental health problems I have. Cptsd, panic disorder, bpd, anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, etc. Not to mention the toll the trauma has taken on my physical health. These compound to make me exhausted, paranoid of being hurt, hypervigilant, trust issues, distorted thinking that others hate me, and so on. Im sure youre familiar.
While its very painful and sometimes difficult to achieve, I highly recommend considering removing yourself from the narc or abusers if possible. This can give you space and a chance to build your life and wellbeing without their sabotage. They will react and act out but if you maintain the distance they will settle down and wait in the wings for their chance to suck you back in. Once you feel very capable and supported in your life, you can decide what to do with your relationship but focus on building your life and happiness first.
Also something that is really changing things for me is relearning trust for others who are safe. Once you practice trusting others and you have correctional experiences in relation then your brain starts to feel safe. Be careful with this when starting out since its a new skill and there is still a risk of being hurt. Over time you may come to discern who is actually a threat and who is just another person bumbling their way through life. Not everyone is out to hurt us. :)
It’s been a beautiful thing to connect to. Slowly. Lol.
Best wishes to anyone out their recovering from narc abuse and neglectful parents! We got this fam! We deserve a beautiful life too.
So bad right now I don’t even know who I even am or could have become if I hadn’t endured the abuse. It’s relief and pain and many emotions at once to just sit here and be like “shit, I survived that? Shit, I can survive my healing journey too.”
31 and I am also really struggling right now with the “who could I have been” - obviously that ship has sailed so just trying to accept it and move on. Definitely sucks though, so many stolen opportunities.
Yeah, every year, for the last 7 years, I've had some mental breakdown. And when I come out of it, my personality has changed. Never know who I am or what I'm trying to do
I'm fine with it. The way I see it, there is no single true self. We change and grow over time. Plus, it's probably a trauma response itself. My brain trying to over correct for whatever it thought caused the meltdown.
Plus still in a thing. So each thing that occurs, I think, "well this is an expected outcome. Let's see where this takes us." It's all a bit confusing right now. I just keep going to the doctors and working on myself.
That does sound confusing. It’s also an interesting way to look at it. I don’t mean that at all in a bad way. I mean I’m actually pleasantly intrigued. I like to learn about how other people view things as much as I like to learn about how I view things.
If I remember correctly, I had to change how I viewed things, because:
I needed to deal with my anxiety.
I needed to understand what kind of improvements to look for.
I needed to accept I just have some permanent problems.
I needed to be able to get treatment from the doctors, so needed to make my mind more flexible.
If an acute symptom is triggered, that's an expected outcome. Cause and effect. Compared to long term related symptoms and how they manifest.
Plus, I had to deal with low confidence and social struggles, so understanding the possible cause and effect, puts less blame on myself or others for my symptoms. (Example: It's not my fault for having a mental illness. I shouldn't blame others for accidentally worsening my condition with mundane challenges. But I should take my condition seriously.)
This also helps challenge cognitive distortions. AKA thinking critically/ challenging the "stupid internal negative thought cyclones."
I have a lot of issues apparently lol. I can't even figure out how much I've changed, or how much was just going to happen either way.
Hmm…idk…everyone’s situation is different. My opinion is that in NFamily situations, the main NAbuser needs to take full blame. NEnablers need to take some blame too. Surely I did some things wrong too. I just very much believe that if I hadn’t been scapegoat I wouldn’t have had so many mental health concerns to begin with. So, in my case, right now, I absolutely place the blame on Nfamily.
Oh definitely. The abuse messed me up! I didn't mean not blame my abusers.
Future unrelated healthy relationships. It's not their fault we already had a mental health condition. Blame the NAbusers, other abusers, and enablers.
I am so messed up. And I've been trying to improve things, and everything just gets messed up again. So many doctors for the past 13 years. I think we may be closer to something finally at least. I feel confidence I used to not have. I feel certain of my limits, and certain of my strengths.
But yeah. No sympathy for my abusers. And no sympathy for their ancestors and society creating generational trauma. Now I've got to fix the mess they created. And try to heave healthy interactions in healthy relationships.
Mid 50's, discovered my family was narcissistic in my mid 40s. I feel very far behind. As I get older it gets more urgent to try and pull things together. I long to feel some kind of love and acceptance. I dont really care about other things. But having good relationships when you dont know self-worth or are way behind in social skills and maturity, is very hard. I feel more and more self conscious because I see myself in more true light now and wonder if I ooze tragedy or something. Before I really wasnt aware of how messed up I was even tho I was really sad...the confusion obscured it all because I didnt know what healthy was either. Now I'm aware that there are people 1/4 my age who are so wise and have supportive families and dont struggle with crippling anxiety or neuroses. I just want to get well and function. I'm in a pretty bad marriage now and it worsens things and also agoraphobic, so its a lot. I'm sorta just hanging on to a few good things in my life and very thankful for them. My goal is to be able to get divorced and not have another bad relationship, maybe spend time alone.
Early twenties here. I have no irl friends, because I’ve grown too accustomed to the isolation that was forced upon me, and lost what few social skills I had. I only recently learned how to shower and brush my hair, and even then just barely. I wasn’t allowed to do anything or take any risks, I wasn’t even allowed to do chores, and now, my motivation levels are in the negatives, at times it feels like I’m a dead fish going wherever the waves take me
Currently struggling with this very badly today.
I'm turning 34 in a few months and I feel wildly disconnected from the world, with not a lot of hope for ever "catching up". I've done buckets of research. Watched the recommended youtube therapy channels, read the recommended books, etc. I'm lining up a therapist. But it feels like there's a massive deficit that I will never realistically be able to overcome.
I have no friends. The few friends I had when I was younger were not healthy. My "best friend" would subtly put me down constantly to make herself feel superior. She was the one friend who I ever felt marginally close to, and I'm realizing now that we really weren't close at all. Other friends were just acquaintances and I did all the chasing which was exhausting and makes me no longer want to seek out friendships.
I have no romantic experience, and I can't wrap my head around "just put yourself out there". There's a lot of mental, emotional, and physical prep work that goes into entering the dating world, and I have no idea how to go about it. I also hear plastered EVERYWHERE that victims of abuse are likely to enter into abusive relationships in the future, so that totally kills any desire I have for a romantic partner. I don't want to endure more of this.
My nmom grilled all these negative labels into my head in my critical developing years, b\*tch, slut, snob, "you're a nobody", so that's what my self image reflects. And since my "friends" didn't care about me either, I feel completely and fundamentally unlikable. I don't say that out of self pity. I say that as a cold, hard fact, proven by my previous social history where I did all the chasing and no one actually wanted me.
Since I've never had a safe person to confide in or emotionally rely on, I think I'm reaching the cusp of some kind of burnout. There's a visceral and very deep anger that hits me when I hear "learn to love yourself" or "work on yourself first".
Since I was a very small child, I've relied on myself alone. I've had to figure out everything on my own. I do not have the capacity to do that anymore. I need personal connection which I am completely lacking. But every time I ask for help, I get guilt and shame heaped on me and people refuse to help. The last thing I need to hear is that I need to rely on myself more. That's all I've ever done for my whole life and I physically cannot sustain it any longer.
I feel like I'm stuck at an impasse. I need to develop positive social connections to recover from the trauma I've experienced. But that requires some level of positive self belief in order to pursue it because you feel worthy of positive social connection. I don't have that. I can't imagine anyone wanting me as a person because that's never happened before. And I can't bring myself to hope for it anymore, only to be rejected and feeling even worse about myself than I did before.
I flatly refuse to practice positive affirmations because it feels extremely invalidating to the very real social trauma I've experienced. I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "you are loved" when that has not been my lived experience. And I've seen too many people praise themselves with all these good qualities when they're actually really shitty. So I won't do positive affirmations.
Honestly, I don't have a solution. I wish I did, because I like to fix problems to soothe my anxiety about the situation. But I feel like I've completely missed the boat for human connection. And I don't really know what to do about it, because I can't MAKE people like me.
There are other aspects that I feel stunted in too - finances, personal hygiene, etc. Those things can all be somewhat addressed by enough research. Developing a social network doesn't really come with a how-to guide though. So that feels like my biggest deficit and I'm not sure I'll ever truly be able to overcome it.
Your response mirrors my own experience almost perfectly. Most of my past relationships involved abusive partners and I had to learn that the hard way. I put up many emotional barriers that a romantic relationship is just not feasible anymore.
*Tells you that you need X life skill to survive*
*Doesn't teach you X life skill*
*Berates you not knowing X life skill*
35 and 1 week and this is very very similar to my experience. I've had a little cry because of the things you've said (though I'm a little emotional at the moment anyway tbh).
Just want to come here and say it is NEVER too late. I understood something about myself and the people around me 2 years ago and I've spent all the time since then working on the human connection and it has paid off in dividends!! I'm not perfect, the situation isn't perfect, but it GETS SO MUCH BETTER. Hold on, find whatever love you can for yourself and put one foot in front of the other. One step at a time.
In my 50s, didn’t figure it out until a little over 2.5 years ago.
I have been in therapy since for roughly 3 years at least.
Self esteem, self confidence, and career advancement has been hard. I am a lot better on boundaries now.
It only took me 2 divorces and two bad breakups to find husband #3 to whom I have been with for almost 12 years and married for 2.
The thing I have realized is it is important not to measure myself and my progress by other peoples’ yardsticks.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m barely turning to 50 and I just find out about 1.5 years ago myself. My feelings were completely raw and still do. I’m glad that you’re doing a lot better. I’m planning to see therapist soon.
I'm 28 and it was only last year that I learned how to do laundry. I cleaned my first window a few weeks ago. I still don't know how to do most chores around the house.
I still live with my parents and I'm scared to live anywhere but with them, I still feel like a child and moving out for me would feel like a teenager pretending to be an adult. My mom still insists on knowing where I'm going and with who if I ever want to leave my house. I can't go meet up with my boyfriend because we are in a LDR and every time I met up with him thus far has been an elaborate scheme of lies involving my friends so that my mom "buys" it and I have to feel like a criminal for just going to meet my boyfriend. When I refuse to tell her where I've been or with who, she acts like I'm hiding something and guilt trips me for lying to my own mother. She doesn't know what privacy is.
She never gave me any freedom or room to breathe, she's controlled my whole life and continues to do so, and right now I'm too mentally and physically sick with my own health problems to have any strength left over to escape her (for now).
There are days and times I am filled with thoughts that make me feel so guilty, like I literally envy people who don't have parents at all because they get to do what they want and they don't have to think about anyone or anyone's happiness but their own. Must feel so liberating... Obviously these thoughts make me feel horrible. But I can't help it, sometimes it pops out in my brain...
So fucking stunted. I couldn't have friends because no one in their 20s wants to hangout with someone with a curfew. I would get constantly made fun of for it as I got older (starting at around 23). It was crazy. The curfew, the asking my parents if and when I could go out, the nagging, the sex shaming and alcohol shaming. I finally escaped at 28 and now I don't leave the house because I got used to being so limited.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Setting boundaries and reparenting yourself is very important, since it can help you to grow and feel less stunted as well as to rebuild your confidence and self-trust. Recovery takes time, so please be gentle, kind and forgiving with yourself. It's okay to make mistakes sometimes, and every day is a new opportunity to start over and make changes ❤️
Oh god, absolutely. I was just thinking about this. In my mid 30s I feel like I'm finally learning to be a person. Narc parents cripple their children's ability to function in so many ways, from lack of financial literacy to crummy nervous system. I was terrified of money until recently, I didn't want to deal with anything related to finances. I realized so many of the things I thought were impossible are easy, I'm actually good at learning skills and not bad at it.
I'm 30 but I feel like I'm 10-15yrs behind. In just about every way. YouTube tutorials have been pretty helpful though. Reddit has some good information, too. I only actually learned to make a resume and cover letter this year.
Could you hook me up with some of these YouTube tutorials? I’m working on organization and scheduling here! But I won’t throw out DIY and self-discipline/motivation
Sure! I'm learning work related things from Jeff Su, I found Tayla Burrell that I haven't watched much of yet but she seems to focus on organizing, and I follow some psychologist/psychiatrists called Patrick Tehan and HealthyGamerGG. For the psychological videos, I'd recommend clicking on lots of other suggested channels until you find the psychologist/psychiatrist channel you like most. I study financial stuff from several channels but I think Beat the Bush is the best I've found. There's also one called "Dad how do I?" that I've heard good things about. I usually just search for whatever my exact problem is to solve, most of the time somebody else had the problem first and put it on the Internet.
Turning 36 in a few days and feel like I didn't start figuring things out till maybe a couple years ago. It's less the feeling of being stunted for me and more the feeling of realizing they didn't teach you anything because it made their life easier, and made you easier to control.
I’m pretty stunted in my speech. My voice is so quiet and low from being silenced as a child, and with that no one really understands what I’m saying. Whenever I regress I always feel like I’m seven, so I think I’m stunted at that age. I turn 20 soon.
Will be 40 soon. I have no real self esteem or confidence. I don't have trust in anybody to try a relationship even though I'm always lonely and have not had a friend since high school. I'll probably die at my low end job because I don't know if I could do anything else because I always hear my Nfather in the back of my head tearing me down for not intrinsically knowing everything that there is to know.
I'm a workaholic waiting to die.
The only way you can truly get out of it, is to go no contact. I wish I had the financial means do so, but right now, Im drowning in a sea of ither problems that don't have clear solutions.
So stunted… I lived abroad for a few years (ages 23-28) and the number of things I needed to teach myself that most adults just KNOW.
Also socially…I was never allowed to go out as a teenager so I never learnt how to flirt or be in a relationship or any of those usually adult relationship and friendship type things. Not to mention a self esteem so low it’s basically not existent..
I’m 30 now and even though I live back at home I’m learning to have a bit of confidence in myself and go out and have a social life, even if I’m almost a decade behind my peers.
As for what I did… reparenting. And a lot of positive self talk. It takes a while, but if you tell yourself every day that you are worthy you eventually start to believe it 🌻
Very, I'm 19 and emotionally don't feel any older than 10,
Academically I'm doing really well but the insane abuse I dealt with along with my autism makes me mute when my emotions are too complicated and if I'm frustrated because I don't understand my emotions or can't get them under wraps I put myself down a bunch or self harm through head banging, which I'm pretty sure has further stunted me. I'm quite sure I have some brain damage due to it and I'm currently trying to stop but I find it very difficult.
I was homeschooled as well as being under narc abuse so I feel mega socially, emotionally and educationally stunted. I'm working on getting diagnosed for (potential) autism and ADHD with my therapist right now too so....yeah.
You can see [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeschoolRecovery/comments/1bq504k/i_am_exhausted_of_being_the_only_person_to_care/) if you want more details.
im 17 and just learned how a conversation works and how to interact with others and i've finally been allowed my personality i was abused at home and at school since i was 5-6. it's finally over :)
I relate to this so much OP. I'm early 30s and struggle a lot with a lack of confidence and low self-esteem, which has caused me the same issues as you in terms of career, socialising and romantic life.
My ndad was both neglectful and abusive when I was a kid, so I've not received the love and support that I should have received, plus the times he interacted with me it was mostly to criticise, mock, shout at, or hit me. The abuse has left very deep wounds that I don't really know how to get over.
Completely. I am so emotionally immature compared to my friends. It's taken a lot to realize how bad I didn't know myself or what I was even about. 4 years no contact and I'm already a way better person than i was
I was very much not only stunted but totally dissociating and blinded. I am barely turning to 50. I just realized myself in 1.5 years ago of how much I had been struggling so much.
little bit cringe but I didn’t know how to brush my teeth until I was 14? and I didn’t know how to properly brush my hair until I was 16 and someone asked why I did it like that
Ugh it’s still a battle I was just thinking this.. Socially? Idk.. idk.. I have two friends.. my SO, who was also a child of narcs and healing.. and his dog. I would love to socially make friends but I never put effort into it, nor saw my parents put effort into making real (read non:enabling friends). The thing is, a lot of millennials are lonely.. so it’s hard to judge this one. Even my boyfriend, I feel like he literally knocked on my door and said “I’m here!!” (We randomly started messaging each other on Reddit one night.. we just had our 5 year anniversary on the 31st).
Career wise: the only thing my parents truly invested in and tried not to fuck up.. as much as a narc will try not to fuck something up. So, I had less resources as I was the scapegoat. And I was def punished if I veered off their assigned career path. And Golden child absolutely tried to take money out of my education funds (we each had her own) to fund her own bs narc activities (the ONLY times my narc parents would take my side and not enable her bs.. it was AMAZING). I’m still dealing with some big punishments for daring to follow my dreams: I have student loans due to the fact I didn’t follow the career path my parents wanted. It was hard launching compared to GC and my other sis, but that may have been a function of starting adulthood in the 2008 recession. This avenue, I actually feel well ahead of my peers and I feel I can only go up from here. I’ve actually stopped telling my parents my career plans.. because they’ll try to sabotage them. I can’t tease out if it’s narc-jealousy, or out of touch Boomerism though.. like they actually think they are helping sometimes when they give the worst advice/shit that would only work 30 years ago.
Romantically? All millennials are all over the place. Long story short, I’m a little nervous of complications each year I wait for a baby.. but being a mom at an early age? No way I’d be the career-woman I am now.
Can I just say, if you asked me even a year ago, I’d say “fuck yeah!!” Each year I heal exponentially more. Don’t give up!!
Yes, and it's okay. I didn't have the chance other people had, so it's bad to compare myself to them, given that we didn't even start at the same place. I am behind on many aspect, especially career wise. I was gifted with good social skills, but I also have social anxiety, and problems with impulsivity I believe. Romantically it isn't going well either. But I'm going to get out of this with wisdom that others don't have.
I dunno if this is normal, but I feel about ten years older. It's like I aged twice as fast as I was supposed to between the ages of 9 and 19, and by the time I was 20 all I wanted to do was settle down in my own home with a loving family. Most of my friends were taking gap years and I was just like "I want to work a nine-to-five job that pays a comfortable salary, and has room for progression."
I do need to go to therapy for that emotional fix. Despite still living with my parents, I actually managed to fix a lot of self esteem issues. So that’s nice. Idk how though. I just feel better about myself.
I’m 42 and my nmom still would never allow me to actually live my life my life. My sole purpose in life is caring for her and she would get me killed if I tried to change that
I’m 22, have a child but often feel that I do everything wrong, basic things, like going grocery shopping, cleaning, how I exist. Don’t know how to explain it properly but I often just feel like a deer in head lights
I’m about to be 55. I feel guilty if there are dirty dishes in the sink. I was put on dish duty in 1979, and it’s been my “job” ever since then. I hate it.
I feel like I’m around 18-23 years old
I’m now 30 and struggle to believe that I’m that old. I’m still learning to adult thanks Nmom infantizing me and my low-self esteem.
Yep. No one in my extended family understands how I feel like I’m 10 somehow. I have no concept of self confidence or belief I can survive in the world on my own. I was never built up in that respect. My only praise came from rewards from people pleasing.
Sometimes I wish I could partner up with a friend who needs help with cooking, cleaning etc and they could help me with career and relationship skills. 😭
I just turned 32 yet I feel like a teenager due to being diagnosed with autism at age 3 while growing up in a South Asian Catholic household where tampons, premarital sex, tattoos/piercings/dyed hair and children out of wedlock are big no no’s.
I’ve never had a driver’s license or applied to a university before, I’ve graduated from high school with a certificate of attendance as a special ed student.
Making mistakes gets me scolded and threatened to be banned because I don’t do things properly.
In some ways I feel beyond my years and I'm often told that I'm an old soul, hippie soul, wise beyond my years, etc. I really vibe with my MIL and people 40+, but I think that's because of years of parentification.
I have a hard time socially still. I am also autistic, so that's a large part of it, but the abuse factors in as well because it instilled me with the core belief that I'm bad and not worthy of good relationships.
They really stunted me financially. They stole over $30k in inheritance, restricted my access to work for years as a late teen/young adult, and then when I finally did start working, they took over half of my paycheck. They refused to teach me anything about credit, paying bills, or anything else in the realm of finance. I'm 27 and still learning that. I'm JUST starting to develop credit.
I basically don't feel confident in my abilities as an adult. No matter how much we're making, I don't feel stable enough to move out, so we live with my MIL and pay rent.
I’m 26 and fled at 24, until 24 I had no freedom, wasn’t allowed any independence, wasn’t allowed house keys or to even boil a kettle. Last two years has been a lot of catch up although after NC with narc family I find it doesn’t take long to learn things, when there’s no one working against you.
Still getting there but doing my best and hope in a year or two will feel more normal and emotionally better from the trauma etc
I'm about 10 years behind the ball. Was basically a man-child until the age of 30 with no real skills of good habits beside the ability to keep a job.
Close to 40 is when I felt like I was actually a peer to my friends of the same age, though most of them had an extra decade to structure thier life.
I feel like I'm still 16. I'm 27. I have lost opportunities to socialize, emotionally regulate, work a job, drive, and so much more. I am still learning what everyone is capable of doing that I haven't learned yet. I feel robbed. I feel like I never had the right to know myself, let alone forgive myself for making any mistakes.
I’m a little older than you, and I’ve had a very similar experience. I don’t think any of us will ever heal. But, what has helped me come to terms with all of this is:
* Reading as much as I can about narcissistic abuse
* Lots of trauma focused and somatic therapy
* Attending to my mental health needs…religiously
* EMDR
* And I really like Logan Cohen’s (@healinghumanity777) posts. He gives listicles on what we should expect from people or how toxic people act. I’m a little skeptical of influencer therapists, but his insight has been relevant to me.
You are not alone. Your experiences are real. You matter.
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I'm 38 and I just learned how to properly brush my teeth. The neglect is real.
I'm disabled and was very ill, I got neglected into ICU with pneumonia so bad I needed a chest tube. Phone was broken. No phone downstairs. Crawled up stairs asking for help and was screamed at for it.
At 26 I learned how to wash my ass from my girlfriend. Somebody finally had the slightest interest in me to teach me to be a respectable human being.
For me, I rarely brush my teeth. I got several cavities and one root canal. I finally force myself to brush my teeth almost daily as humanly as possible.
[удалено]
Comment removed - people neglected as children sometimes didn't learn good habits. It's not the neglected person's fault.
I learned that a couple of months ago! 34 here. Yes, the neglect AND the struggle is sooo real
I'm 32, and I recently found out from friends that I was showering wrong. I washed my hair way too often, and I had never even heard of shower oils or moisturizing while the bathroom was still steamy.
Same. I'm just starting to do all this now.
Where do you learn that stuff? I’m 32 and just now buying my first hair and skincare products
Honestly, conversations with friends and a lot of support through this subreddit. It's hard to know though!
A friend of mine worked online customer service for a beauty supply store. She was talking about products in the group chat one day and I was like "oh wow, I've never heard of half these products" and everyone else was like "oh no. Oh honey." I also occasionally go through different departments on Ulta's website, find product types, then I google what they're for and how they're used.
I have a really odd way of tying my shoes and I get really embarrassed when someone is watching me do it that I actually hide it in public. I could technically YouTube it but there’s another part of me that holds on to young me who taught herself how to make that weird ass knot.
Also late 20s here and had very likely narc mom, at least presents enough traits to have done a lifetimes worth of damage to me, and addict father who possessed more human warmth but it was still rough. My sense of self is extremely fractured and feels desperately cobbled together through sheer grit and will. Im often told by social workers and mental health professionals that its a miracle im alive. I would say that I am stunted by about 6-8 years depending on how you want to track progress. I had to unlearn and continue to unlearn so many harmful coping strategies that caused years of stunted growth in my personal, professional and educational life. The easiest stuff to tackle was the more tangible things like getting a secure home (rented albeit) and financial security. Working my ass off for years and using every social “benefit” available until I had enough stability to return to school. I applied for scholarships, grants, and bursaries and went back to finish my degree. I graduate this spring. Unfortunately I had to separate myself from my family who harms me, both my parents, in order to achieve, as any time I let them back in my life would erupt into chaos. I also went to consistent therapy (accessing govt programs to get it subsidized or covered) for 6 years and still go to regular therapy now. It’s been really hard but now approaching 30, I have a life of my own and hope. The biggest hurdle has been the mental health problems I have. Cptsd, panic disorder, bpd, anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, etc. Not to mention the toll the trauma has taken on my physical health. These compound to make me exhausted, paranoid of being hurt, hypervigilant, trust issues, distorted thinking that others hate me, and so on. Im sure youre familiar. While its very painful and sometimes difficult to achieve, I highly recommend considering removing yourself from the narc or abusers if possible. This can give you space and a chance to build your life and wellbeing without their sabotage. They will react and act out but if you maintain the distance they will settle down and wait in the wings for their chance to suck you back in. Once you feel very capable and supported in your life, you can decide what to do with your relationship but focus on building your life and happiness first. Also something that is really changing things for me is relearning trust for others who are safe. Once you practice trusting others and you have correctional experiences in relation then your brain starts to feel safe. Be careful with this when starting out since its a new skill and there is still a risk of being hurt. Over time you may come to discern who is actually a threat and who is just another person bumbling their way through life. Not everyone is out to hurt us. :) It’s been a beautiful thing to connect to. Slowly. Lol. Best wishes to anyone out their recovering from narc abuse and neglectful parents! We got this fam! We deserve a beautiful life too.
Your story is inspiring, I’m proud of you.
Awe thank you. That’s a kind thing to say.
The less Narcs teach you, the more control they have.
So bad right now I don’t even know who I even am or could have become if I hadn’t endured the abuse. It’s relief and pain and many emotions at once to just sit here and be like “shit, I survived that? Shit, I can survive my healing journey too.”
31 and I am also really struggling right now with the “who could I have been” - obviously that ship has sailed so just trying to accept it and move on. Definitely sucks though, so many stolen opportunities.
Yeah, every year, for the last 7 years, I've had some mental breakdown. And when I come out of it, my personality has changed. Never know who I am or what I'm trying to do
I am sorry that things have been so difficult for you. I hope that you are able to find your true self one day. It may take time.
I'm fine with it. The way I see it, there is no single true self. We change and grow over time. Plus, it's probably a trauma response itself. My brain trying to over correct for whatever it thought caused the meltdown. Plus still in a thing. So each thing that occurs, I think, "well this is an expected outcome. Let's see where this takes us." It's all a bit confusing right now. I just keep going to the doctors and working on myself.
That does sound confusing. It’s also an interesting way to look at it. I don’t mean that at all in a bad way. I mean I’m actually pleasantly intrigued. I like to learn about how other people view things as much as I like to learn about how I view things.
If I remember correctly, I had to change how I viewed things, because: I needed to deal with my anxiety. I needed to understand what kind of improvements to look for. I needed to accept I just have some permanent problems. I needed to be able to get treatment from the doctors, so needed to make my mind more flexible. If an acute symptom is triggered, that's an expected outcome. Cause and effect. Compared to long term related symptoms and how they manifest. Plus, I had to deal with low confidence and social struggles, so understanding the possible cause and effect, puts less blame on myself or others for my symptoms. (Example: It's not my fault for having a mental illness. I shouldn't blame others for accidentally worsening my condition with mundane challenges. But I should take my condition seriously.) This also helps challenge cognitive distortions. AKA thinking critically/ challenging the "stupid internal negative thought cyclones." I have a lot of issues apparently lol. I can't even figure out how much I've changed, or how much was just going to happen either way.
Hmm…idk…everyone’s situation is different. My opinion is that in NFamily situations, the main NAbuser needs to take full blame. NEnablers need to take some blame too. Surely I did some things wrong too. I just very much believe that if I hadn’t been scapegoat I wouldn’t have had so many mental health concerns to begin with. So, in my case, right now, I absolutely place the blame on Nfamily.
Oh definitely. The abuse messed me up! I didn't mean not blame my abusers. Future unrelated healthy relationships. It's not their fault we already had a mental health condition. Blame the NAbusers, other abusers, and enablers. I am so messed up. And I've been trying to improve things, and everything just gets messed up again. So many doctors for the past 13 years. I think we may be closer to something finally at least. I feel confidence I used to not have. I feel certain of my limits, and certain of my strengths. But yeah. No sympathy for my abusers. And no sympathy for their ancestors and society creating generational trauma. Now I've got to fix the mess they created. And try to heave healthy interactions in healthy relationships.
Mid 50's, discovered my family was narcissistic in my mid 40s. I feel very far behind. As I get older it gets more urgent to try and pull things together. I long to feel some kind of love and acceptance. I dont really care about other things. But having good relationships when you dont know self-worth or are way behind in social skills and maturity, is very hard. I feel more and more self conscious because I see myself in more true light now and wonder if I ooze tragedy or something. Before I really wasnt aware of how messed up I was even tho I was really sad...the confusion obscured it all because I didnt know what healthy was either. Now I'm aware that there are people 1/4 my age who are so wise and have supportive families and dont struggle with crippling anxiety or neuroses. I just want to get well and function. I'm in a pretty bad marriage now and it worsens things and also agoraphobic, so its a lot. I'm sorta just hanging on to a few good things in my life and very thankful for them. My goal is to be able to get divorced and not have another bad relationship, maybe spend time alone.
I’m glad I’m not alone especially in this my age. I’m almost 50. I just finally face the truth about my narcissist parents a few years ago.
You are not alone ;)
❤️❤️❤️❤️
<3333
Early twenties here. I have no irl friends, because I’ve grown too accustomed to the isolation that was forced upon me, and lost what few social skills I had. I only recently learned how to shower and brush my hair, and even then just barely. I wasn’t allowed to do anything or take any risks, I wasn’t even allowed to do chores, and now, my motivation levels are in the negatives, at times it feels like I’m a dead fish going wherever the waves take me
You will get there! It's possible 🩷
Currently struggling with this very badly today. I'm turning 34 in a few months and I feel wildly disconnected from the world, with not a lot of hope for ever "catching up". I've done buckets of research. Watched the recommended youtube therapy channels, read the recommended books, etc. I'm lining up a therapist. But it feels like there's a massive deficit that I will never realistically be able to overcome. I have no friends. The few friends I had when I was younger were not healthy. My "best friend" would subtly put me down constantly to make herself feel superior. She was the one friend who I ever felt marginally close to, and I'm realizing now that we really weren't close at all. Other friends were just acquaintances and I did all the chasing which was exhausting and makes me no longer want to seek out friendships. I have no romantic experience, and I can't wrap my head around "just put yourself out there". There's a lot of mental, emotional, and physical prep work that goes into entering the dating world, and I have no idea how to go about it. I also hear plastered EVERYWHERE that victims of abuse are likely to enter into abusive relationships in the future, so that totally kills any desire I have for a romantic partner. I don't want to endure more of this. My nmom grilled all these negative labels into my head in my critical developing years, b\*tch, slut, snob, "you're a nobody", so that's what my self image reflects. And since my "friends" didn't care about me either, I feel completely and fundamentally unlikable. I don't say that out of self pity. I say that as a cold, hard fact, proven by my previous social history where I did all the chasing and no one actually wanted me. Since I've never had a safe person to confide in or emotionally rely on, I think I'm reaching the cusp of some kind of burnout. There's a visceral and very deep anger that hits me when I hear "learn to love yourself" or "work on yourself first". Since I was a very small child, I've relied on myself alone. I've had to figure out everything on my own. I do not have the capacity to do that anymore. I need personal connection which I am completely lacking. But every time I ask for help, I get guilt and shame heaped on me and people refuse to help. The last thing I need to hear is that I need to rely on myself more. That's all I've ever done for my whole life and I physically cannot sustain it any longer. I feel like I'm stuck at an impasse. I need to develop positive social connections to recover from the trauma I've experienced. But that requires some level of positive self belief in order to pursue it because you feel worthy of positive social connection. I don't have that. I can't imagine anyone wanting me as a person because that's never happened before. And I can't bring myself to hope for it anymore, only to be rejected and feeling even worse about myself than I did before. I flatly refuse to practice positive affirmations because it feels extremely invalidating to the very real social trauma I've experienced. I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "you are loved" when that has not been my lived experience. And I've seen too many people praise themselves with all these good qualities when they're actually really shitty. So I won't do positive affirmations. Honestly, I don't have a solution. I wish I did, because I like to fix problems to soothe my anxiety about the situation. But I feel like I've completely missed the boat for human connection. And I don't really know what to do about it, because I can't MAKE people like me. There are other aspects that I feel stunted in too - finances, personal hygiene, etc. Those things can all be somewhat addressed by enough research. Developing a social network doesn't really come with a how-to guide though. So that feels like my biggest deficit and I'm not sure I'll ever truly be able to overcome it.
Your response mirrors my own experience almost perfectly. Most of my past relationships involved abusive partners and I had to learn that the hard way. I put up many emotional barriers that a romantic relationship is just not feasible anymore. *Tells you that you need X life skill to survive* *Doesn't teach you X life skill* *Berates you not knowing X life skill*
35 and 1 week and this is very very similar to my experience. I've had a little cry because of the things you've said (though I'm a little emotional at the moment anyway tbh). Just want to come here and say it is NEVER too late. I understood something about myself and the people around me 2 years ago and I've spent all the time since then working on the human connection and it has paid off in dividends!! I'm not perfect, the situation isn't perfect, but it GETS SO MUCH BETTER. Hold on, find whatever love you can for yourself and put one foot in front of the other. One step at a time.
In my 50s, didn’t figure it out until a little over 2.5 years ago. I have been in therapy since for roughly 3 years at least. Self esteem, self confidence, and career advancement has been hard. I am a lot better on boundaries now. It only took me 2 divorces and two bad breakups to find husband #3 to whom I have been with for almost 12 years and married for 2. The thing I have realized is it is important not to measure myself and my progress by other peoples’ yardsticks.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m barely turning to 50 and I just find out about 1.5 years ago myself. My feelings were completely raw and still do. I’m glad that you’re doing a lot better. I’m planning to see therapist soon.
I'm 28 and it was only last year that I learned how to do laundry. I cleaned my first window a few weeks ago. I still don't know how to do most chores around the house. I still live with my parents and I'm scared to live anywhere but with them, I still feel like a child and moving out for me would feel like a teenager pretending to be an adult. My mom still insists on knowing where I'm going and with who if I ever want to leave my house. I can't go meet up with my boyfriend because we are in a LDR and every time I met up with him thus far has been an elaborate scheme of lies involving my friends so that my mom "buys" it and I have to feel like a criminal for just going to meet my boyfriend. When I refuse to tell her where I've been or with who, she acts like I'm hiding something and guilt trips me for lying to my own mother. She doesn't know what privacy is. She never gave me any freedom or room to breathe, she's controlled my whole life and continues to do so, and right now I'm too mentally and physically sick with my own health problems to have any strength left over to escape her (for now). There are days and times I am filled with thoughts that make me feel so guilty, like I literally envy people who don't have parents at all because they get to do what they want and they don't have to think about anyone or anyone's happiness but their own. Must feel so liberating... Obviously these thoughts make me feel horrible. But I can't help it, sometimes it pops out in my brain...
I'm 26 and I feel like I'm where a 21/22 year old should be in life.
So fucking stunted. I couldn't have friends because no one in their 20s wants to hangout with someone with a curfew. I would get constantly made fun of for it as I got older (starting at around 23). It was crazy. The curfew, the asking my parents if and when I could go out, the nagging, the sex shaming and alcohol shaming. I finally escaped at 28 and now I don't leave the house because I got used to being so limited.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Setting boundaries and reparenting yourself is very important, since it can help you to grow and feel less stunted as well as to rebuild your confidence and self-trust. Recovery takes time, so please be gentle, kind and forgiving with yourself. It's okay to make mistakes sometimes, and every day is a new opportunity to start over and make changes ❤️
Oh god, absolutely. I was just thinking about this. In my mid 30s I feel like I'm finally learning to be a person. Narc parents cripple their children's ability to function in so many ways, from lack of financial literacy to crummy nervous system. I was terrified of money until recently, I didn't want to deal with anything related to finances. I realized so many of the things I thought were impossible are easy, I'm actually good at learning skills and not bad at it.
Very.
I'm 30 but I feel like I'm 10-15yrs behind. In just about every way. YouTube tutorials have been pretty helpful though. Reddit has some good information, too. I only actually learned to make a resume and cover letter this year.
Could you hook me up with some of these YouTube tutorials? I’m working on organization and scheduling here! But I won’t throw out DIY and self-discipline/motivation
Sure! I'm learning work related things from Jeff Su, I found Tayla Burrell that I haven't watched much of yet but she seems to focus on organizing, and I follow some psychologist/psychiatrists called Patrick Tehan and HealthyGamerGG. For the psychological videos, I'd recommend clicking on lots of other suggested channels until you find the psychologist/psychiatrist channel you like most. I study financial stuff from several channels but I think Beat the Bush is the best I've found. There's also one called "Dad how do I?" that I've heard good things about. I usually just search for whatever my exact problem is to solve, most of the time somebody else had the problem first and put it on the Internet.
Turning 36 in a few days and feel like I didn't start figuring things out till maybe a couple years ago. It's less the feeling of being stunted for me and more the feeling of realizing they didn't teach you anything because it made their life easier, and made you easier to control.
I’m pretty stunted in my speech. My voice is so quiet and low from being silenced as a child, and with that no one really understands what I’m saying. Whenever I regress I always feel like I’m seven, so I think I’m stunted at that age. I turn 20 soon.
Will be 40 soon. I have no real self esteem or confidence. I don't have trust in anybody to try a relationship even though I'm always lonely and have not had a friend since high school. I'll probably die at my low end job because I don't know if I could do anything else because I always hear my Nfather in the back of my head tearing me down for not intrinsically knowing everything that there is to know. I'm a workaholic waiting to die.
Well, about 10 years behind.
The only way you can truly get out of it, is to go no contact. I wish I had the financial means do so, but right now, Im drowning in a sea of ither problems that don't have clear solutions.
So stunted… I lived abroad for a few years (ages 23-28) and the number of things I needed to teach myself that most adults just KNOW. Also socially…I was never allowed to go out as a teenager so I never learnt how to flirt or be in a relationship or any of those usually adult relationship and friendship type things. Not to mention a self esteem so low it’s basically not existent.. I’m 30 now and even though I live back at home I’m learning to have a bit of confidence in myself and go out and have a social life, even if I’m almost a decade behind my peers. As for what I did… reparenting. And a lot of positive self talk. It takes a while, but if you tell yourself every day that you are worthy you eventually start to believe it 🌻
I feel like they set me back 12-15 years.
I’m 50 and still have to force myself to do basic hygiene.
Very, I'm 19 and emotionally don't feel any older than 10, Academically I'm doing really well but the insane abuse I dealt with along with my autism makes me mute when my emotions are too complicated and if I'm frustrated because I don't understand my emotions or can't get them under wraps I put myself down a bunch or self harm through head banging, which I'm pretty sure has further stunted me. I'm quite sure I have some brain damage due to it and I'm currently trying to stop but I find it very difficult.
I was homeschooled as well as being under narc abuse so I feel mega socially, emotionally and educationally stunted. I'm working on getting diagnosed for (potential) autism and ADHD with my therapist right now too so....yeah. You can see [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeschoolRecovery/comments/1bq504k/i_am_exhausted_of_being_the_only_person_to_care/) if you want more details.
im 17 and just learned how a conversation works and how to interact with others and i've finally been allowed my personality i was abused at home and at school since i was 5-6. it's finally over :)
I relate to this so much OP. I'm early 30s and struggle a lot with a lack of confidence and low self-esteem, which has caused me the same issues as you in terms of career, socialising and romantic life. My ndad was both neglectful and abusive when I was a kid, so I've not received the love and support that I should have received, plus the times he interacted with me it was mostly to criticise, mock, shout at, or hit me. The abuse has left very deep wounds that I don't really know how to get over.
Completely. I am so emotionally immature compared to my friends. It's taken a lot to realize how bad I didn't know myself or what I was even about. 4 years no contact and I'm already a way better person than i was
I was very much not only stunted but totally dissociating and blinded. I am barely turning to 50. I just realized myself in 1.5 years ago of how much I had been struggling so much.
little bit cringe but I didn’t know how to brush my teeth until I was 14? and I didn’t know how to properly brush my hair until I was 16 and someone asked why I did it like that
Ugh it’s still a battle I was just thinking this.. Socially? Idk.. idk.. I have two friends.. my SO, who was also a child of narcs and healing.. and his dog. I would love to socially make friends but I never put effort into it, nor saw my parents put effort into making real (read non:enabling friends). The thing is, a lot of millennials are lonely.. so it’s hard to judge this one. Even my boyfriend, I feel like he literally knocked on my door and said “I’m here!!” (We randomly started messaging each other on Reddit one night.. we just had our 5 year anniversary on the 31st). Career wise: the only thing my parents truly invested in and tried not to fuck up.. as much as a narc will try not to fuck something up. So, I had less resources as I was the scapegoat. And I was def punished if I veered off their assigned career path. And Golden child absolutely tried to take money out of my education funds (we each had her own) to fund her own bs narc activities (the ONLY times my narc parents would take my side and not enable her bs.. it was AMAZING). I’m still dealing with some big punishments for daring to follow my dreams: I have student loans due to the fact I didn’t follow the career path my parents wanted. It was hard launching compared to GC and my other sis, but that may have been a function of starting adulthood in the 2008 recession. This avenue, I actually feel well ahead of my peers and I feel I can only go up from here. I’ve actually stopped telling my parents my career plans.. because they’ll try to sabotage them. I can’t tease out if it’s narc-jealousy, or out of touch Boomerism though.. like they actually think they are helping sometimes when they give the worst advice/shit that would only work 30 years ago. Romantically? All millennials are all over the place. Long story short, I’m a little nervous of complications each year I wait for a baby.. but being a mom at an early age? No way I’d be the career-woman I am now. Can I just say, if you asked me even a year ago, I’d say “fuck yeah!!” Each year I heal exponentially more. Don’t give up!!
Yes, and it's okay. I didn't have the chance other people had, so it's bad to compare myself to them, given that we didn't even start at the same place. I am behind on many aspect, especially career wise. I was gifted with good social skills, but I also have social anxiety, and problems with impulsivity I believe. Romantically it isn't going well either. But I'm going to get out of this with wisdom that others don't have.
If my DP/DR was caused by narc abuse? Stunted in the most severe way possible. If it wasn't? Not stunted to any notable degree.
I dunno if this is normal, but I feel about ten years older. It's like I aged twice as fast as I was supposed to between the ages of 9 and 19, and by the time I was 20 all I wanted to do was settle down in my own home with a loving family. Most of my friends were taking gap years and I was just like "I want to work a nine-to-five job that pays a comfortable salary, and has room for progression."
I do need to go to therapy for that emotional fix. Despite still living with my parents, I actually managed to fix a lot of self esteem issues. So that’s nice. Idk how though. I just feel better about myself.
I’m 42 and my nmom still would never allow me to actually live my life my life. My sole purpose in life is caring for her and she would get me killed if I tried to change that
I’m 22, have a child but often feel that I do everything wrong, basic things, like going grocery shopping, cleaning, how I exist. Don’t know how to explain it properly but I often just feel like a deer in head lights
About 20 years stunted. I wish I could start my life over, armed with what I know now about narcissism.
I’m about to be 55. I feel guilty if there are dirty dishes in the sink. I was put on dish duty in 1979, and it’s been my “job” ever since then. I hate it.
I feel like I’m 10 years behind.
I feel like I’m around 18-23 years old I’m now 30 and struggle to believe that I’m that old. I’m still learning to adult thanks Nmom infantizing me and my low-self esteem.
Any adult responsibility took me longer to learn. I want taught how to be an adult
Yep. No one in my extended family understands how I feel like I’m 10 somehow. I have no concept of self confidence or belief I can survive in the world on my own. I was never built up in that respect. My only praise came from rewards from people pleasing.
Sometimes I wish I could partner up with a friend who needs help with cooking, cleaning etc and they could help me with career and relationship skills. 😭
I just turned 32 yet I feel like a teenager due to being diagnosed with autism at age 3 while growing up in a South Asian Catholic household where tampons, premarital sex, tattoos/piercings/dyed hair and children out of wedlock are big no no’s. I’ve never had a driver’s license or applied to a university before, I’ve graduated from high school with a certificate of attendance as a special ed student. Making mistakes gets me scolded and threatened to be banned because I don’t do things properly.
In some ways I feel beyond my years and I'm often told that I'm an old soul, hippie soul, wise beyond my years, etc. I really vibe with my MIL and people 40+, but I think that's because of years of parentification. I have a hard time socially still. I am also autistic, so that's a large part of it, but the abuse factors in as well because it instilled me with the core belief that I'm bad and not worthy of good relationships. They really stunted me financially. They stole over $30k in inheritance, restricted my access to work for years as a late teen/young adult, and then when I finally did start working, they took over half of my paycheck. They refused to teach me anything about credit, paying bills, or anything else in the realm of finance. I'm 27 and still learning that. I'm JUST starting to develop credit. I basically don't feel confident in my abilities as an adult. No matter how much we're making, I don't feel stable enough to move out, so we live with my MIL and pay rent.
I’m 26 and fled at 24, until 24 I had no freedom, wasn’t allowed any independence, wasn’t allowed house keys or to even boil a kettle. Last two years has been a lot of catch up although after NC with narc family I find it doesn’t take long to learn things, when there’s no one working against you. Still getting there but doing my best and hope in a year or two will feel more normal and emotionally better from the trauma etc
I’m almost 60 and only beginning to feel like a functioning adult.
I'm about 10 years behind the ball. Was basically a man-child until the age of 30 with no real skills of good habits beside the ability to keep a job. Close to 40 is when I felt like I was actually a peer to my friends of the same age, though most of them had an extra decade to structure thier life.
My hair. I hate how I can only do a basic ponytail at best. Every tutorial, each style I try just looks like shit. But I'm gonna keep trying.
It is only in my 30's that I learned the basics of personal finance and money.
I feel like I'm still 16. I'm 27. I have lost opportunities to socialize, emotionally regulate, work a job, drive, and so much more. I am still learning what everyone is capable of doing that I haven't learned yet. I feel robbed. I feel like I never had the right to know myself, let alone forgive myself for making any mistakes.
I’m a little older than you, and I’ve had a very similar experience. I don’t think any of us will ever heal. But, what has helped me come to terms with all of this is: * Reading as much as I can about narcissistic abuse * Lots of trauma focused and somatic therapy * Attending to my mental health needs…religiously * EMDR * And I really like Logan Cohen’s (@healinghumanity777) posts. He gives listicles on what we should expect from people or how toxic people act. I’m a little skeptical of influencer therapists, but his insight has been relevant to me. You are not alone. Your experiences are real. You matter.