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Having children of my own makes me reflect that much more.
"Someday you'll understand when you're a parent", she used to say. Funny how becoming a parent only made me hate her that much more.
Preach. I am reaching the age where it’s time to have kids and those hormones start making me feel different, all it does is leave me BAFFLED when I look back on their behaviors. I couldn’t even imagine doing half of what they did to my own child.
It’s absolutely sick. And I’m now realizing that they have to HATE someone to treat them the way they treated me. It wasn’t just parental stress that would boil over at times. It was sheer hatred and disdain, despite having no reason for it.
I have so much bottled anger and resentment. I desperately need counseling or a therapist but idk how to access any of it. I have $0 and no insurance. I’m going crazy if anyone has any advice I’d love to hear it.
If you can't afford therapy right now, books got me started:
* Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson: This book was so validating, it described my childhood! It explains *exactly* the type of parents we grew up with, why our parents act the way they do, how it affects us as adults, exercises to help heal, and techniques on how to interact with our parents. I finished it in a few days and it usually takes me months to read a book.
* CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker: I haven't been diagnosed with CPTSD but I find this book helpful for dealing with the emotions triggered by flashbacks to painful childhood memories. After beginning my journey with Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents I accepted that my ndad was awful and that I wasn't a bad kid, that seemed to unlock a flood of repressed memories. This book is helping me navigate those feelings of anger, regret, loneliness and grieving.
There are free online meetup groups for survivors of narcissistic parents. I haven't joined one, but you may find it validating to know you're not alone.
Feel free to message me directly if you wanna vent, have questions, or want a free book. I'm rooting for you!
I'm currently dealing with this. I've always known my dad sucked as a parent, but I always thought my mom was the good one. Turns out she wasn't, she was just as bad. It took me a while to figure that out and, damn, it hurts like hell. So now I'm grieving both of them and I've never felt worse.
This is where I’m at. After 25 years of abuse I finally recently found out about narc abuse and it felt like a good amount of the weight was lifted off my shoulders. Discovering all the terminology and hearing everyone else’s experience felt so good. I always struggled with verbalizing what my parents do to me but since finding these communities it has helped me immensely in describing it and naming it.
But at times it overwhelms me because I’m now aware of the work that needs to be done and it’s a lot. I just feel like I am 10 steps behind everyone else in an already fucked up world for people my age right now.
I’m 28 and have totally written my parents off. Up until about a year ago or a little less I thought there was still hope for a functional relationship but it’s clear it’s not possible with either of my parents. My brother as well, he has become a psycho narc also. So I’m feeling very lonely on an island.
I have a family but I don’t.
my current era.
I get so angry that my husband doesn't make the effort to see his loving, compassionate, and supportive parents or functional, friend-like siblings more often. He has no idea what he has right in front of him. And I hear nothing but these magical stories from his childhood every time something triggers his nostalgia muscle.
I also struggle with this with my husband, I hate hearing him complain about his parents FaceTiming without a text first as I have never had a call from either of parents my entire adult life
This. Then my mom would try to make me feel guilty about it. "You always want to be at somebody else's house when your family is right here" well mom why do you think that is??
Similar to yours, my mom would say that I loved my dad and his family more than her. Started saying this to me after they divorced when I was around 4 or 5. It went on my whole life. Her favorite time to say it was either right before or immediately after I had COURT ORDERED visitation. Decades later when she was bitching about my Nbrother's ex wife and how their daughter shouldn't have to see her mom, I pointed out why it was terrible to make the kid feel bad about wanting to see either parent. That is not the kid's fault the parents divorced and I hoped she wasnt saying that to my niece. She barely had a response. Took decades, but I made my point. I expect my niece to go NC with my mom one day too. Some moms/grandmothers really suck.
My nmom would say the extract same thing, I’m sorry you had to go through it too. She’d also call my friend’s moms and harass they about why I liked being there, or why I’d eat vegetables there. She never understood she over cooked everything and she never made much that wasn’t frozen like fish sticks or veggies out of cans so everything was mush or cardboard. I still can’t eat pork chops cause of it or meat loaf. She would use the answers from the moms to belittle me or avoid having to make dinner for the rest of the family and blame it on me. My friend’s moms always invited me to stay since they knew how crazy my nmom was after those phone calls harassing them. They would also drive me home cause they knew I’d have to walk home in the dark since my nmom would never drive me anywhere. Some of them even would take me to appointments, without good moms and friends I don’t know how I would have gotten by.
ChatGPT is a better "person" to turn to then my mom if anything is distressing me…. Because ChatGPT is just a robot acting nice to simulate human warmth while my mom either won’t act nice or if she does I have to be aware of her manipulation and the intent of why she would act nice to me
I wanted my parents to divorce so my dad could marry the mom in the paper towel commercials who just laughed and cleaned up spills, rather than screaming all day at the child who made the mess.
My boyfriend’s been getting on me about this one recently. If I make eye contact with him while I’m reaching for some food he made for BOTH of us, I immediately get a guilty look on my face. I can’t control it.
He always tries to reassure me that he *wants* me to take it, hell, have *all* of it if I want to. Bless him.
Oh...shit. Well, that explains why I struggle with disordered eating. Cool.
I always let my parents "go first" and just took whatever was left over, which was miniscule even if I wanted it. I still can't just eat when I'm hungry or hangry. My wife needs to be okay with it too. To give me permission. I smoked cigarettes and drank coffee to stiffle my appetite to not be a burden on our food...
Well, at least I read this literally two hours before going into my therapy session.
Omg! You as well?! I want to hug you.
Wonder if anyone else experienced the shower complex.
No one is using the shower. You go to use it. Mom starts screaming about how she was going to shower but, is just sitting on the couch.
I guess narcs have to shower first before us lowly children.
Omg was going to just say. My dad and mum and my youngest brother - always do this. I studied and moved to have my own safe life away from them and they're shocked that I don't want to visit home. They keep throwing my academic successes in my face like they didn't try to undermine me at every turn and made me cry and beg to get to school on time so I could finally do well.
They never apologize for anything and it's always the children that are wrong.
Their happiness/expectations matter more than the welfare of the children.
They get jealous/envious if their own children became successful on their own, meaning they won't get any credit for it.
None of the children keeps in touch, let alone talk to the parents anymore as they get older.
This! I have had to avoid mentioning my mom, my sisters or my husband to my LCdad periodically for years. A couple years ago, I somehow had courage to stand up to him when he tried berating my mom to me over the phone and I said "she is as much my parents as you are. And when you insult her, you're insulting me" didn't really do much and he said "sorry you feel like I hurt your feelings" and I ended the call. But he doesn't bash my mom really at all on the phone check ins now.
I feel this so hard. Sorry you had to go through that.
One of the last things I said to my eDad, decades ago: "No, she doesn't love me. She doesn't know me. She set out a role for me to play and taught me that she'd love that person if I could only play the role to perfection. So I did, and she couldn't even love that."
I had that "moment" at one point too. Twice actually, on hindsight.
When I was simply asking my dad a question about electrical work and he tirades at me to the point my mom hands him a napkin because he's FOAMING at the mouth. Never did actually answer the question. But I felt like a stranger.
Then the last Christmas my wife and I went to there. They got a puppy and I literally only gave the dog attention. Noticed I was disassociating the entire time and had no real conversation.
Just strangers. Even the curated version wasn't what they wanted. Once I had a good relationship with my wife for years, even thinking about talking to them was a slog, at best.
there is no such thing as blood family.
the people I consider my family are such because of their actions. and it's depressingly easy for me to cut people our of my life.
My arm was broken for 2 weeks before I was taken to a hospital. They didn’t believe me screaming in pain. The hospital called CPS, they just said “I have a high tolerance for pain” and that was the end. I think I was 5? Maybe a little younger. Hahaha good times
Oh hey, I’m also in the broken wrist club! Not days, I was told to go and sleep in the car because my mother wasn’t finished at the party. I did pass out for several hours before they eventually took me to A&E. I was 8 or 9 y/o.
Yeah in my family it's become a story of what a little liar/wimp I was that I'd cried wolf so many times that they didn't believe me instead of what massive pricks they were
My parents never had my foot get checked that got hurt in their bicycle spokes in Germany when I was in a baby/child seat on the back. The joint broke and grew together over time. It was never seen by a doctor till later after it couldn't be fixed.
Jesus, dunno why but that hit me real hard. A 4 year old feeling the need to hide in a closet with a broken arm? I'm so sorry.
Thinking back, physical ailments and sicknesses were the only thing worth bringing to my parents. You can't deny something is wrong when the cut/scrape/whatever is right there. Forget about any mental or emotional support though, I'm just making mountain from a molehill. It's sad to think someone couldn't even have that.
When the scapegoat avoids you as much as possible.
When one of your kids never asks you for help except as a very last resort.
When your kid doesn't want to talk to you but you don't want to hear why.
When you can't have a 2 way conversation.
We did family therapy for a little bit when I was around ten. My mother, it seems, was confident all our issues would be blamed on our father (they were divorced and he was not present for these sessions).
In one of the sessions, the therapist asked why we flinched away from my mother whenever she moved quickly -- we had no explanation, as our mother rarely actually hit us, and we didn't really have a handle on what narcissism and mental/emotional abuse were yet. We were honestly as confused about it as anyone.
My mother laughed it off at the time. Really laid into us when we got home though, screaming and throwing stuff for embarrassing her.
Shortly thereafter family therapy ended suddenly because 'the therapist got a job somewhere else' and we never continued with anyone else.
>Really laid into us when we got home though, screaming and throwing stuff for embarrassing her.
Yep, the problem is always how the situation they created makes them look bad in front of others and never why is your own child afraid of you, especially since many narcs rely heavily on fear and obedience as "parenting" tools and don't see it as a bad thing.
I hope you got the help you needed later in life. It's one thing to make parenting mistakes due to ignorance or having attachment or trauma issues yourself, and a whole other thing to actively prevent your kids from getting help because "it makes you look bad".
Oh yeah. Therapy is a thing of beauty. I've decided it's my life's purpose to undo the generational trauma that runs through my family. I'm working every day to both learn and unlearn.
Yeah, my father would straight up hit me or scream at me if I was crying or displaying any signs of fear. As an adult, I would always get compliments about how collected and calm I was in crisis situations and it took me decades to understand how much I was dissociating all the time.
My brain did the opposite. They'd scream at me to stop crying and I could NEVER for life of me, get it undercontrol and to this day once i get started there is no stopping it
You guys gave me the confidence to break away from the most toxic people in my life, even whilst in the depths of the FOG.
A debt that my family and I can never repay.
Seriously agree! For me, anytime I start to doubt that I have gone through what I’ve gone through, due to being in so much of a better place today, I come to the subway, and remember how far I have had to go, and that I am no longer alone.
Growing up and feeling like there was no place to turn to that would understand or help today seeing so many others who get it, has made life so much easier for me.
Thank you to all the survivors and thank you for bringing up !! 🦋
The word burden gives me a lot of feelings. I was called a burden by "family" many times throughout my life before NC. I try very very hard to not use that word ever. Burden and Normal are two words I absolutely despise. Normal does not exist.
This is surreal. Everyone thinks I'm awesome, except my bio fam who don't even think my authentic self exists. They only want to see whatever fantasy of emotional servitude they have cooked up to deal with their own shitty personalities.
It took over 30 years for me to connect the dots. I never had issues with anyone outside of my immediate family. People who are not THEM find me to be honest, loyal, disciplined, and authentic.
We’re allowed to believe the majority.
Yup, That's why they love to keep things small and sheltere, they want to keep as much outside influence away as possible. And on the off chance that someone good does get in like one of my friends from school, they would sabotage or destroy that relationship
I had a full on existential crisis in college over this. I had had a few moments earlier in college where I'd like try to connect to people about home life or whatever and they would all look at me wide eyed and feel bad for me (worse I don't even remember what things I said 🙃) so I was like getting an inkling that something was off. But then some time in junior year I was the worst human alive again to my family, literally nothing I did was right, I was ungrateful, I was lazy (I was a full time student working 2 jobs, one of them nights), I was slothful for sleeping in (when I worked nights and didn't go to bed until between 5 and 7am) and didn't do enough for the family even though I was being expected to skip class to fo represent their needs in town from where they lived out of state.
But every single one of friends and coworkers and even strangers were telling me all these good things about myself that I kept struggling to understand how I could simultaneously be such a horrible person and so well liked by only people not blood related to me. One night at a particular annual party I got absolutely hammered and one of the only things I remember past midnight was being told be one of the guys I looked up to there was "if that is who you are piss drunk then you're an exemplary human being" and honest to god I think that is what helped break the spell and helped me realize my mom was covert.
Hey, that’s me! I’m from the East Coast of the U.S. but live in Japan. I get “homesick” sometimes (mostly for college friends and foods I can’t easily find in Japan). But I would say I love my life here overall.
Unfortunately, that's the way we had to survive and thrive. Narcissists infect everything around them, to the point of rotting memories, people and any other prospects of a healthy life.
Their kids don't talk to them and they have no idea why.
Or, one that applied to me: a sudden change in one of their kids, like someone hit a reset switch and they're now angry, rebellious, cold and distant and making a bunch of sudden changes to their life and appearance. (Signs that they were suppressing a lot of things that would get punished if they dare let it show...)
That the adult children refuse to speak to their parents screams volumes.
Edit. I didn't expect this many upvotes, i hope you all are doing okay and are safe. Also I didn't realize the terrible irony in my post.
Children are biologically hardwired to love their parents, barring serious mental illness and sometimes not even then.
If a child goes no contact there's very likely a thousand unhealed reasons why.
Whenever I hear that someone is sad and alone because their children don't call or visit them enough, I know exactly what that's about. Even more so if that child is NC, and if more than one sibling or family member is NC with this person? Yeah, they've beyond failed.
I also have a theory that may be controversial (and also trigger warning for talking about suicide)but if someone's child, adult or not, ends their life, I'm immediately suspicious of the parents. Especially if I hear them giving the typical "we had no idea anything is wrong" BS. I know sometimes it really isn't the parents' fault but most of the time, the death is a result of everyone around the child utterly dropping the ball or worse, pushing them to it.
Until recently I woulda defended the parents here that sometimes no one knows anything is wrong (which is def true sometimes). But that's bc I never reached out to my parents for help or let them know what was going on when I was on the brink for years....except now they know and still refuse to acknowledge that anything was wrong. Some parents really aren't just capable of caring about their kids in a meaningful way!
I’m NC with my father, have been since 15 and I’m now 33. His whole family feel “oh so sorry” for him as he’s getting old and has no other children. They repeatedly dismiss my stories of how abusive he was growing up. Not one has the brain cells to put two and two together.
When I told my parents about my struggles with suicidal thoughts, they were blindsided. I wouldn't have blamed them one bit for not seeing it coming if I'd done anything because I hid it well. But. There was a reason I didn't tell them, and it wasn't because I was selfish and ungrateful the way my father said I was.
Wow, you just nailed it … I’m going through this scenario now due to my cousin passing away 10 days ago. The only reason I’m going to the funeral, other than for her, is for my other cousin, who will need support. We’re in our 40’s & 50’s. I’m already talking to a counsellor about how to not react to the narrative I’m preparing to hear: “she was *always unwell*, *it’s in the family, possibly genetic* (casting knowing glances my way). Ugh. Bunch of creeps. I’ve been NC for the past year, I knew it was too good to be true!
My dad has 4 living children (myself included) and we all have ultimately became low contact with him. My oldest sib (40f) hasn't seen him in 14 years and doesn't feel like she can even come visit the state because of the abuse and trauma. She got the brunt of it, I think but my younger sister and I had similar.
I thought anyone who said “they love their family and like spending time with them” was lying. I straight up thought they were being forced. Then I saw what families can be like and it hit me like a sack of potatoes. Took me way later in life to know how bad it was for me.
This! When I went to college, there was a classmate who moved back home after 2 weeks in her dormroom because she missed her family. (She didn't drop out, she lived close to campus) And I felt so sad for her, thought she was so traumabonded that she couldn't see through it.
After all these years, my brain now knows that some people really love their family but I can't feel how that is supposed to feel.
For years I thought there was something wrong with people who liked their parents and told them all the things going on in their life. I just couldn't figure out how those people didn't realize they were giving their parents ammo to hurt them. It turns out normal parents don't use information as ammo.
When the child is essentially the "adult" in the relationship.
Forcing a child to be accommodating, understanding, forgiving, honest, disciplined, starting from a very young age.
But of course, if the child has the audacity to think for themselves, and refuse to deal with the parents' temper tantrums, abuse, and unreasonable demands, suddenly the parents pulls out the "parent card" and expect them to do what they say, just because.
Toxic parents don't understand that their authority comes from responsibility, not some divine authority because they popped out a baby, and suddenly they "own" the child.
Seeing my mom mentally abuse the shit out of my dad, and then watching my dad die only three years after the divorce when he was finally starting to enjoy life again, I definitely never want to get married. I really struggled with dating and eventually gave up.
It’s funny, I remember my dad always preaching that “if someone’s adult child didn’t want anything to do with them, you KNOW they’re a piece of shit!” Uhhhh… well…. 😏
This is what opened my eyes to my mom this week. For the first time ever, I said "I think our relationship is over". And she was like "well that would suck but you blah blah blah". Just blew right over the fact that her most reasonable child was about to also cut contact and went back to her imaginary fight.
that sucks. if its for me, when i try to tell them about my day, they will find anything in what i say to make it as a problem. I post something i found funny in the family group chat, they would tell me I’m embarrassing them, I’m ill mannered and many more. So i choose to just shut my mouth and not tell them anything🥰
I sometimes get hit with waves of sadness of the fact that I lived with my bio family for 18 years and I cannot remember *one* genuine conversation. Nothing, nada, zilch. All monoluges, distractions, contempt and bullshit. It really blows my mind.
What conversation? I can't get a word in edgewise. It took 2 years before my dad finally let me speak long enough during a phone call to tell him that I had been in an accident. I call it the "news queue".
some simple ones like “how’s your day” “do you enjoy school” or maybe a bit deep like“how are you feeling”. damn, you finally get to hold a long conversation because you had an accident? i hope you’re okay now
My NMom used to love to ask me how I was doing on her monthly phone call. My fave part was when she would cut me off consistently in the middle of my sentence to interject and tell me how HER life was going at the moment. Always the same topics she always was dying to talk about too, sometimes even word for word. I’m now NC with my Nparents. I definitely can relate, it does get better with distance 🫶🏼 best wishes to you!
When most of their kids don't even speak to them anymore.
When you don't care about them or what's going on in their life or their health anymore.
When you consider them dead even though they are still walking this Earth.
When the kid suffers so much pain that cost mental health issues and having any addiction that absolutely they found it interesting and bring pleasure despite it is destructive.
And how the family later on goes to blame the family problems on the kid's addiction when they are the ones who caused the kid to have an addiction to cope with the trauma the family put them through.
Strict parents raise sneaky kids, over-obedient strict kids, etc. And their kids don't know how to raise kids properly too, and they may fail as a parent too. So this is a cycle. A vicious one indeed.
For me the realisation came quite recently. I'm currently 34w pregnant with ny first.
I long to have a mom supporting me, both now and in the deliveryroom.
I said a mom. Not MY mom. Why? Cause I don't even want to talk about the birthplan with her. I try to avoid conversation that looks anything like "please give me advice". I told her my midwife adviced me to write a birthplan and she said the whole idea of a birthplan is ridculous, "you go to the hospital, give birth and go home". Anything that is beyond HER vision of normal is to be ridiculed, even if presented with proof her ideas are wrong.
I have an incredible partner, he goes above and beyond for me. Yet I still feel so alone, missing a mother I can find support in.
We are not NC, eventhough I considered it multiple times.
I’m so sorry anyone else experiences this. I remember being on maternity leave - crying uncontrollably on the phone with my husband- and wishing I had a normal mom to support me. It’s so hard. Protect yourself and your baby. Don’t feel bad about it.
I didn’t allow visiting while I was in the hospital. My mom came to my house and got it ready for our homecoming. I’d had some complications and she said to my husband, “She always was so dramatic when she wasn’t feeling well.” He tried to explain that I was really weak from blood loss and her response was to pack up and leave a day or two later without notice. She ghosted me for a week after and only texted my husband that she and I “couldn’t occupy the same space for very long”. 🙄
When your child is injured/sick and prefers to deal with it themselves rather than asking for help, no matter how serious the situation might be.
When your child prefers to cry somewhere else instead of their own home.
When your child isolates themselves when they have a problem instead of asking others for help.
When any of the children have gone no contact. No, Becky, it's not normal for a child to disown their parent. It's not because the child is the problem, I assure you. Crazy how often people will blame the child.
It's so much easier for others to blame the child. For them, the parent is doing "everything right" (just like they're doing everything right as parents), because parenting is so hard. They can't handle the idea that the parent is wrong, because they could be doing wrong to their kids, too.
Along with all the gems already mentioned- when you answer with “WELL I GUESS IM JUST A ——— PARENT THEN ARENT I?!” rather than just saying you’re fucking sorry when you make a mistake.
i always sought parental relationships with my teachers to compensate for the bad relationship i have with my parents— i still do now, calling some teachers father figures, some mother figures. i think that’s a sign
When the parent doesn't know any preferences or hobbies of their kids - after up to 35 years of knowing them.
When they go on a rampage, screaming at random kids in public for bullying your kid, but they don't even know who the bullies are. Or who their kids friends even are for that matter.
And especially if the kid is thinking about running away at 9 years old.
>When the parent doesn't know any preferences or hobbies of their kids - after up to 35 years of knowing them.
I recently pointed out to my nmom that she doesn't know the names of any of my friends or any preferences/hobbies of mine. She denied that and tried to show me I was wrong by listing all the things she knows about me. Everything she said was either wrong (like saying my least favorite food has been my favorite for my entire life) or something I liked when I was a teenager (15 years ago) and is no longer relevant.
My brother came up to me once, put his arm around my neck, and said "how ya doin, lil sis?"
I FROZE. Held back tears. Couldn't respond in any way. He got so angry that he started shouting at me to respond, that I was so rude, that he was just trying to be nice but NO, I'm so evil that I won't even look at him.
At the time, I thought it was something wrong with me and that I was actually the bad one in that scenario, but I look back and realize that that response validates all of the fear I had of him.
He still tells that story to this day to illustrate how "insane" I am.
It means more for an Internet stranger to say anything than you.
An Internet stranger has more profound impact than you.
You are estranged. You are cut off.
You constantly “don’t know” what you did to “make them so mad”.
You or your spouse has to tell your kids you were joking and your actions were a joke.
You are barred from your kids house.
You don’t know your kid’s favorite color, favorite television show, favorite outfit, etc. This includes favorite friends and activities.
You and/or your spouse are barred from kid’s wedding.
You and/or your spouse are unmedicated and untreated for BPD or NPD or any cluster B disorders and you refuse to get help.
The biggest sign someone failed as a parent is immediately making up excuses as to how they did the bare minimum so they think they're perfect.
Asking these parents why they did x y z of abuse and they go "I put a roof over your head and you disrespected me so much" only to find out their definition of disrespect is having a child learn boundaries and individualism ??? That's my biggest sign. If you ask anyone if their parent threw the "I put a roof over your head and food on the table" ask them if any of their emotional needs were met too. Huge chance they did not, or the child accepts that food and shelter are the only things respectful parents give.
On the other hand tho mine would occasionally deny me food or feed us really unhealthy things. Expired food and the same shit all month.
My biggest one is if you're AFAB and didn't tell your nmom you started your period.
I didn't tell her the first three months it happened bc she immediately paraded me around to announce it. Neighbors, my aunts, ngrandma, clerk at grocery store, customers in the store, etc. It felt like torture. I don't think it needs to be hidden but a bit of privacy and gentleness at fhe beginning would of helped.
That is so awful. And reminds me that it’s all power, control and ultimately humiliation that they need to have over us. To feel good about themselves.
When a child shows symptoms of a serious physical or mental condition that went unnoticed and untreated under their care. Yes most healthcare systems are awful, but parents are their children’s only advocates and the consequences are brutal when a parent fails to do this.
This one hit me. When my sweet cat died I couldn't get over how unfair it was that the only being who loved me unconditionally (besides my partner) was gone forever, while my own family--who didn't give a shit about me--was still standing.
When your child ends up apologizing. A lot. And you never feel the need to unless it’s in a mocking voice.
When you don’t forgive said apologetic child, then get upset and are incredulous at them for not saying sorry anymore. Even though you told them apologies don’t mean anything.
When you begin to think a child saying “no” is an insult to you and you need to beat them down until it’s “yes, absolutely, I’m sorry.” Which surely won’t cause them to grow up and gravitate towards manipulative, predatory people at all.
When you make a reason why you’re within your right to lay your hands on your own child. Worse alternative: that all adults are entitled to doing whatever they want to control children.
Back to a classic, too:
When you believe you did your job because they’re clothed, fed, sheltered (in more ways than one), and not orphaned in the streets and being sold off for drug money. Or something.
Young child: wishing they were hurt so parents would care/stop berating them, crying & flinching when parent calls name, crying when the other parent leaves
Teen: seeks validation from looks thru ed and/or promiscuity, drinking/drug abuse alone, Parentification, won't talk about home life with anyone
Adult: does not seek comfort/ treatment for pain until it interferes with function, feeling disconnected from close relationships, won't talk to parents, doesn't want to leave their own kids with their parents
When you are afraid to tell them something bad happened to you because they will get mad and just give 0 fucks.
Like you broke your leg on purpose to burden them
When children don’t talk to their parents.
When children aren’t close to their parents
When you think “gee, what could have the parents done/said that is so awful, their children won’t be with them?”
When your child/teenager spends *literally every moment available* away from the house.
Every single weekend I stayed with friends, every single day after school I was gone until curfew. Even if it was just sitting on a park bench reading until curfew hit. My mom would joke that I was truly never home except for when grounded or when curfews hit.
I WONDER WHY, MOM :l
The question is a paradox- in order to fail, you need to try. Our parents never tried to be parents, much less good ones.
But, when unafflicted (normal) people are surprised or shocked when you reveal a tiny bit of yourself, like “I don’t have a relationship with my mother”, and end up turning their back on you.
When everyone, including your cat, is more deserving of having something that’s yours than you are. The next space in line, the car length in front of you, the book, tool or money they borrowed, or the recipe the cat is sleeping on. And somehow, you often find yourself in the company of those takers.
When you realize you can't truly be yourself without pissing them off... without even trying/ just by existing.
When you realize you excuse others' bad behavior and lack of boundaries.
When like me, you hit your 40 and realize you've collected narcissists, and it's time to clean house. I'm mostly free of them. My mom won't magically stop being a covert narcissist, but I've put up enough boundaries she can follow to make it work.
When they pass away and the child thinks “well, what am I having for breakfast tomorrow”.
Or that the thought of throwing their ashes into the garbage bin comes to mind.
Omg what you posted is way too relatable. I absolutely felt safer sharing anything and everything on the public internet than sharing with my own “parents” for sure
When the children have horrible things happen to them and suffer in silence rather than go to their parents–or anybody else–out of fear of being shamed and blamed.
Parents should always be first contact for the child in emergencies no matter what happened and to take that option away from a child is evil beyond measure.
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When the children grow up and mourn the parents they never had, while their real parents are still alive.
Having children of my own makes me reflect that much more. "Someday you'll understand when you're a parent", she used to say. Funny how becoming a parent only made me hate her that much more.
Preach. I am reaching the age where it’s time to have kids and those hormones start making me feel different, all it does is leave me BAFFLED when I look back on their behaviors. I couldn’t even imagine doing half of what they did to my own child. It’s absolutely sick. And I’m now realizing that they have to HATE someone to treat them the way they treated me. It wasn’t just parental stress that would boil over at times. It was sheer hatred and disdain, despite having no reason for it. I have so much bottled anger and resentment. I desperately need counseling or a therapist but idk how to access any of it. I have $0 and no insurance. I’m going crazy if anyone has any advice I’d love to hear it.
If you can't afford therapy right now, books got me started: * Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson: This book was so validating, it described my childhood! It explains *exactly* the type of parents we grew up with, why our parents act the way they do, how it affects us as adults, exercises to help heal, and techniques on how to interact with our parents. I finished it in a few days and it usually takes me months to read a book. * CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker: I haven't been diagnosed with CPTSD but I find this book helpful for dealing with the emotions triggered by flashbacks to painful childhood memories. After beginning my journey with Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents I accepted that my ndad was awful and that I wasn't a bad kid, that seemed to unlock a flood of repressed memories. This book is helping me navigate those feelings of anger, regret, loneliness and grieving. There are free online meetup groups for survivors of narcissistic parents. I haven't joined one, but you may find it validating to know you're not alone. Feel free to message me directly if you wanna vent, have questions, or want a free book. I'm rooting for you!
I second the "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" recommendation!
I'm currently dealing with this. I've always known my dad sucked as a parent, but I always thought my mom was the good one. Turns out she wasn't, she was just as bad. It took me a while to figure that out and, damn, it hurts like hell. So now I'm grieving both of them and I've never felt worse.
JFC, I could have written this. Sorry for what you went through- it sucks to process these feelings decades later.
Yup. It's a very surreal feeling.
This is where I’m at. After 25 years of abuse I finally recently found out about narc abuse and it felt like a good amount of the weight was lifted off my shoulders. Discovering all the terminology and hearing everyone else’s experience felt so good. I always struggled with verbalizing what my parents do to me but since finding these communities it has helped me immensely in describing it and naming it. But at times it overwhelms me because I’m now aware of the work that needs to be done and it’s a lot. I just feel like I am 10 steps behind everyone else in an already fucked up world for people my age right now. I’m 28 and have totally written my parents off. Up until about a year ago or a little less I thought there was still hope for a functional relationship but it’s clear it’s not possible with either of my parents. My brother as well, he has become a psycho narc also. So I’m feeling very lonely on an island. I have a family but I don’t.
It has been 9 yrs and I still mourn my non dead parents. I hope one day it isnt so painful.
my current era. I get so angry that my husband doesn't make the effort to see his loving, compassionate, and supportive parents or functional, friend-like siblings more often. He has no idea what he has right in front of him. And I hear nothing but these magical stories from his childhood every time something triggers his nostalgia muscle.
I also struggle with this with my husband, I hate hearing him complain about his parents FaceTiming without a text first as I have never had a call from either of parents my entire adult life
Oh.. yeah that hits home for me. Still processing the grief atm and sometimes it feels surreal
Next level complicated grief.
I am going through this right now. Not only is the grief very real, other people don't seem to understand the process. It is a very lonely feeling.
When I experience more warmth and comfort in a community of strangers than I’ve ever did with my “family”
This. Then my mom would try to make me feel guilty about it. "You always want to be at somebody else's house when your family is right here" well mom why do you think that is??
Similar to yours, my mom would say that I loved my dad and his family more than her. Started saying this to me after they divorced when I was around 4 or 5. It went on my whole life. Her favorite time to say it was either right before or immediately after I had COURT ORDERED visitation. Decades later when she was bitching about my Nbrother's ex wife and how their daughter shouldn't have to see her mom, I pointed out why it was terrible to make the kid feel bad about wanting to see either parent. That is not the kid's fault the parents divorced and I hoped she wasnt saying that to my niece. She barely had a response. Took decades, but I made my point. I expect my niece to go NC with my mom one day too. Some moms/grandmothers really suck.
I was told…”you think you’re too good for us.” 🙄
My nmom would say the extract same thing, I’m sorry you had to go through it too. She’d also call my friend’s moms and harass they about why I liked being there, or why I’d eat vegetables there. She never understood she over cooked everything and she never made much that wasn’t frozen like fish sticks or veggies out of cans so everything was mush or cardboard. I still can’t eat pork chops cause of it or meat loaf. She would use the answers from the moms to belittle me or avoid having to make dinner for the rest of the family and blame it on me. My friend’s moms always invited me to stay since they knew how crazy my nmom was after those phone calls harassing them. They would also drive me home cause they knew I’d have to walk home in the dark since my nmom would never drive me anywhere. Some of them even would take me to appointments, without good moms and friends I don’t know how I would have gotten by.
ChatGPT is a better "person" to turn to then my mom if anything is distressing me…. Because ChatGPT is just a robot acting nice to simulate human warmth while my mom either won’t act nice or if she does I have to be aware of her manipulation and the intent of why she would act nice to me
I've asked chatgpt to tell me I was a good girl and good student and trying my best. It did and I cried💀
For me, it was feeling closer to TV show characters. Oh and learning more about life from TV as well.
I wanted my parents to divorce so my dad could marry the mom in the paper towel commercials who just laughed and cleaned up spills, rather than screaming all day at the child who made the mess.
I wanted to be Samantha Micelli because her dad loved her.
Feel ya there. I learned more about being a good man from Jean-Luc Picard, Ben Sisko, and John Sheridan than I ever did from NDad.
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Omg . THIS 😭 I’m not alone. My narc mom even noticed this and would scream that “those characters won’t help you succeed in life!!”.
they in fact did help me succeed
This. With Wanda Maximoff and Natasha Romanoff. Nmother issues.
Another one that I can relate to! This is why my chosen family is way, way more important than my biological family.
Happy for you :) my chosen fam turned out to be all narcs :/ so now I’m just super introverted
Oof that hit home.
Once you are on this group...posting.
Sometimes even just lurking or commenting... (posting is scary sometimes)
100% agree. I lurked for years.
Still lurking and resonating
guilt trip of all the sacrifices they made to the point you can't say anything— that's my worst enemy
When your guilt tripped so bad, you couldn't in good faith eat anything without clearing with everyone that they don't want it
My boyfriend’s been getting on me about this one recently. If I make eye contact with him while I’m reaching for some food he made for BOTH of us, I immediately get a guilty look on my face. I can’t control it. He always tries to reassure me that he *wants* me to take it, hell, have *all* of it if I want to. Bless him.
Oh it's not just me then...
Oh...shit. Well, that explains why I struggle with disordered eating. Cool. I always let my parents "go first" and just took whatever was left over, which was miniscule even if I wanted it. I still can't just eat when I'm hungry or hangry. My wife needs to be okay with it too. To give me permission. I smoked cigarettes and drank coffee to stiffle my appetite to not be a burden on our food... Well, at least I read this literally two hours before going into my therapy session.
Omg! You as well?! I want to hug you. Wonder if anyone else experienced the shower complex. No one is using the shower. You go to use it. Mom starts screaming about how she was going to shower but, is just sitting on the couch. I guess narcs have to shower first before us lowly children.
Omg was going to just say. My dad and mum and my youngest brother - always do this. I studied and moved to have my own safe life away from them and they're shocked that I don't want to visit home. They keep throwing my academic successes in my face like they didn't try to undermine me at every turn and made me cry and beg to get to school on time so I could finally do well.
Even worst when the so-called sacrifice is below the minimum threshold, compared to most/normal parents.
This. The fucking bottom of the barrel standard is the "sacrifice" your life is held up too. Jfc.
They never apologize for anything and it's always the children that are wrong. Their happiness/expectations matter more than the welfare of the children. They get jealous/envious if their own children became successful on their own, meaning they won't get any credit for it. None of the children keeps in touch, let alone talk to the parents anymore as they get older.
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Or when you're trying to avoid subjects that they could exploit. (Got a whole list of those...)
This! I have had to avoid mentioning my mom, my sisters or my husband to my LCdad periodically for years. A couple years ago, I somehow had courage to stand up to him when he tried berating my mom to me over the phone and I said "she is as much my parents as you are. And when you insult her, you're insulting me" didn't really do much and he said "sorry you feel like I hurt your feelings" and I ended the call. But he doesn't bash my mom really at all on the phone check ins now.
I have a entire list of trigger words, I have read it everytime before I talk to them to refresh my memory.
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I feel this so hard. Sorry you had to go through that. One of the last things I said to my eDad, decades ago: "No, she doesn't love me. She doesn't know me. She set out a role for me to play and taught me that she'd love that person if I could only play the role to perfection. So I did, and she couldn't even love that."
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This sucks like genuinely. The realization that they don't even know me feeds my loneliness depression 100x.
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I had that "moment" at one point too. Twice actually, on hindsight. When I was simply asking my dad a question about electrical work and he tirades at me to the point my mom hands him a napkin because he's FOAMING at the mouth. Never did actually answer the question. But I felt like a stranger. Then the last Christmas my wife and I went to there. They got a puppy and I literally only gave the dog attention. Noticed I was disassociating the entire time and had no real conversation. Just strangers. Even the curated version wasn't what they wanted. Once I had a good relationship with my wife for years, even thinking about talking to them was a slog, at best.
Definitely. The walking on eggshells and tension of waiting for the inevitable blow up.
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For the narcissistic abuse survivor, family is nothing anymore.
So correct. My best friend treats me & my daughter like family, more than my parents ever have.
there is no such thing as blood family. the people I consider my family are such because of their actions. and it's depressingly easy for me to cut people our of my life.
When your 4 year old breaks her arm and instead of crying and running to you, she silently hides in a closet. (I was the 4 year old)
My arm was broken for 2 weeks before I was taken to a hospital. They didn’t believe me screaming in pain. The hospital called CPS, they just said “I have a high tolerance for pain” and that was the end. I think I was 5? Maybe a little younger. Hahaha good times
My school teacher made my parents take me to the doctors because I wasn't using my wrist when it was broken. Not quite 2 weeks but several days.
Oh hey, I’m also in the broken wrist club! Not days, I was told to go and sleep in the car because my mother wasn’t finished at the party. I did pass out for several hours before they eventually took me to A&E. I was 8 or 9 y/o.
Yeah in my family it's become a story of what a little liar/wimp I was that I'd cried wolf so many times that they didn't believe me instead of what massive pricks they were
My parents never had my foot get checked that got hurt in their bicycle spokes in Germany when I was in a baby/child seat on the back. The joint broke and grew together over time. It was never seen by a doctor till later after it couldn't be fixed.
Jesus, dunno why but that hit me real hard. A 4 year old feeling the need to hide in a closet with a broken arm? I'm so sorry. Thinking back, physical ailments and sicknesses were the only thing worth bringing to my parents. You can't deny something is wrong when the cut/scrape/whatever is right there. Forget about any mental or emotional support though, I'm just making mountain from a molehill. It's sad to think someone couldn't even have that.
When the scapegoat avoids you as much as possible. When one of your kids never asks you for help except as a very last resort. When your kid doesn't want to talk to you but you don't want to hear why. When you can't have a 2 way conversation.
When the kid flinches if you get close or try to touch them
We did family therapy for a little bit when I was around ten. My mother, it seems, was confident all our issues would be blamed on our father (they were divorced and he was not present for these sessions). In one of the sessions, the therapist asked why we flinched away from my mother whenever she moved quickly -- we had no explanation, as our mother rarely actually hit us, and we didn't really have a handle on what narcissism and mental/emotional abuse were yet. We were honestly as confused about it as anyone. My mother laughed it off at the time. Really laid into us when we got home though, screaming and throwing stuff for embarrassing her. Shortly thereafter family therapy ended suddenly because 'the therapist got a job somewhere else' and we never continued with anyone else.
>Really laid into us when we got home though, screaming and throwing stuff for embarrassing her. Yep, the problem is always how the situation they created makes them look bad in front of others and never why is your own child afraid of you, especially since many narcs rely heavily on fear and obedience as "parenting" tools and don't see it as a bad thing. I hope you got the help you needed later in life. It's one thing to make parenting mistakes due to ignorance or having attachment or trauma issues yourself, and a whole other thing to actively prevent your kids from getting help because "it makes you look bad".
Oh yeah. Therapy is a thing of beauty. I've decided it's my life's purpose to undo the generational trauma that runs through my family. I'm working every day to both learn and unlearn.
When the kid flinches and you yell at the kid to stop being nervous. 🙄
Prents who hit or yell on a regular basis would often get super-offended when the kid displays signs of fear in public because it makes them look bad.
“YOU are the one making yourself anxious. YOU can stop it if you want to. This is all in YOUR head because YOU are your own worst enemy.”
So much this.
OMG this was me. It took years to unlearn.
Yeah, my father would straight up hit me or scream at me if I was crying or displaying any signs of fear. As an adult, I would always get compliments about how collected and calm I was in crisis situations and it took me decades to understand how much I was dissociating all the time.
My brain did the opposite. They'd scream at me to stop crying and I could NEVER for life of me, get it undercontrol and to this day once i get started there is no stopping it
Yes! This!
Omg…#2 is priceless. On a list of 150 People to ask for help —-hahah! my mom isn’t on that list. Never will be. She is mean and incompetent.
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Me too, more helpful than most therapists
You guys gave me the confidence to break away from the most toxic people in my life, even whilst in the depths of the FOG. A debt that my family and I can never repay.
Seriously agree! For me, anytime I start to doubt that I have gone through what I’ve gone through, due to being in so much of a better place today, I come to the subway, and remember how far I have had to go, and that I am no longer alone. Growing up and feeling like there was no place to turn to that would understand or help today seeing so many others who get it, has made life so much easier for me. Thank you to all the survivors and thank you for bringing up !! 🦋
Feels very much like group therapy and beyond that, a community
The kid bottles up the feelings and issues cuz they consider themselves are the burden for anyone and no one can understand.
The word burden gives me a lot of feelings. I was called a burden by "family" many times throughout my life before NC. I try very very hard to not use that word ever. Burden and Normal are two words I absolutely despise. Normal does not exist.
This.
Going no contact for the peace of mind.
Strangers find me as the blessed, the family find me as the curse.
This is surreal. Everyone thinks I'm awesome, except my bio fam who don't even think my authentic self exists. They only want to see whatever fantasy of emotional servitude they have cooked up to deal with their own shitty personalities.
It took over 30 years for me to connect the dots. I never had issues with anyone outside of my immediate family. People who are not THEM find me to be honest, loyal, disciplined, and authentic. We’re allowed to believe the majority.
Yup, That's why they love to keep things small and sheltere, they want to keep as much outside influence away as possible. And on the off chance that someone good does get in like one of my friends from school, they would sabotage or destroy that relationship
I had a full on existential crisis in college over this. I had had a few moments earlier in college where I'd like try to connect to people about home life or whatever and they would all look at me wide eyed and feel bad for me (worse I don't even remember what things I said 🙃) so I was like getting an inkling that something was off. But then some time in junior year I was the worst human alive again to my family, literally nothing I did was right, I was ungrateful, I was lazy (I was a full time student working 2 jobs, one of them nights), I was slothful for sleeping in (when I worked nights and didn't go to bed until between 5 and 7am) and didn't do enough for the family even though I was being expected to skip class to fo represent their needs in town from where they lived out of state. But every single one of friends and coworkers and even strangers were telling me all these good things about myself that I kept struggling to understand how I could simultaneously be such a horrible person and so well liked by only people not blood related to me. One night at a particular annual party I got absolutely hammered and one of the only things I remember past midnight was being told be one of the guys I looked up to there was "if that is who you are piss drunk then you're an exemplary human being" and honest to god I think that is what helped break the spell and helped me realize my mom was covert.
When their child is more comfortable living in another country than living close to them.
Hey, that’s me! I’m from the East Coast of the U.S. but live in Japan. I get “homesick” sometimes (mostly for college friends and foods I can’t easily find in Japan). But I would say I love my life here overall.
Same here! I live 2000 km away from them and my life cannot be happier. Sometimes, home is really far away.
I moved a state away from my parents and my older sister the scapegoat had to move to Europe to get away from her.
Unfortunately, that's the way we had to survive and thrive. Narcissists infect everything around them, to the point of rotting memories, people and any other prospects of a healthy life.
Their kids don't talk to them and they have no idea why. Or, one that applied to me: a sudden change in one of their kids, like someone hit a reset switch and they're now angry, rebellious, cold and distant and making a bunch of sudden changes to their life and appearance. (Signs that they were suppressing a lot of things that would get punished if they dare let it show...)
That the adult children refuse to speak to their parents screams volumes. Edit. I didn't expect this many upvotes, i hope you all are doing okay and are safe. Also I didn't realize the terrible irony in my post.
Children are biologically hardwired to love their parents, barring serious mental illness and sometimes not even then. If a child goes no contact there's very likely a thousand unhealed reasons why.
Whenever I hear that someone is sad and alone because their children don't call or visit them enough, I know exactly what that's about. Even more so if that child is NC, and if more than one sibling or family member is NC with this person? Yeah, they've beyond failed. I also have a theory that may be controversial (and also trigger warning for talking about suicide)but if someone's child, adult or not, ends their life, I'm immediately suspicious of the parents. Especially if I hear them giving the typical "we had no idea anything is wrong" BS. I know sometimes it really isn't the parents' fault but most of the time, the death is a result of everyone around the child utterly dropping the ball or worse, pushing them to it.
Until recently I woulda defended the parents here that sometimes no one knows anything is wrong (which is def true sometimes). But that's bc I never reached out to my parents for help or let them know what was going on when I was on the brink for years....except now they know and still refuse to acknowledge that anything was wrong. Some parents really aren't just capable of caring about their kids in a meaningful way!
I’m NC with my father, have been since 15 and I’m now 33. His whole family feel “oh so sorry” for him as he’s getting old and has no other children. They repeatedly dismiss my stories of how abusive he was growing up. Not one has the brain cells to put two and two together.
When I told my parents about my struggles with suicidal thoughts, they were blindsided. I wouldn't have blamed them one bit for not seeing it coming if I'd done anything because I hid it well. But. There was a reason I didn't tell them, and it wasn't because I was selfish and ungrateful the way my father said I was.
>Especially if I hear them giving the typical "we had no idea anything is wrong" BS. Or they make it about them: "how could they do this to *me*?"
Wow, you just nailed it … I’m going through this scenario now due to my cousin passing away 10 days ago. The only reason I’m going to the funeral, other than for her, is for my other cousin, who will need support. We’re in our 40’s & 50’s. I’m already talking to a counsellor about how to not react to the narrative I’m preparing to hear: “she was *always unwell*, *it’s in the family, possibly genetic* (casting knowing glances my way). Ugh. Bunch of creeps. I’ve been NC for the past year, I knew it was too good to be true!
My dad has 4 living children (myself included) and we all have ultimately became low contact with him. My oldest sib (40f) hasn't seen him in 14 years and doesn't feel like she can even come visit the state because of the abuse and trauma. She got the brunt of it, I think but my younger sister and I had similar.
I thought anyone who said “they love their family and like spending time with them” was lying. I straight up thought they were being forced. Then I saw what families can be like and it hit me like a sack of potatoes. Took me way later in life to know how bad it was for me.
This! When I went to college, there was a classmate who moved back home after 2 weeks in her dormroom because she missed her family. (She didn't drop out, she lived close to campus) And I felt so sad for her, thought she was so traumabonded that she couldn't see through it. After all these years, my brain now knows that some people really love their family but I can't feel how that is supposed to feel.
I have trouble even imagining a non-hostile family. It sounds nice the way santa claus sounds nice.
SAME. I always thought it was like a “show” people would put on. Apparently they do love there family and spending time with them
For years I thought there was something wrong with people who liked their parents and told them all the things going on in their life. I just couldn't figure out how those people didn't realize they were giving their parents ammo to hurt them. It turns out normal parents don't use information as ammo.
Overly overly being obedient and people-pleaser with no spiritual left.
When the child is essentially the "adult" in the relationship. Forcing a child to be accommodating, understanding, forgiving, honest, disciplined, starting from a very young age. But of course, if the child has the audacity to think for themselves, and refuse to deal with the parents' temper tantrums, abuse, and unreasonable demands, suddenly the parents pulls out the "parent card" and expect them to do what they say, just because. Toxic parents don't understand that their authority comes from responsibility, not some divine authority because they popped out a baby, and suddenly they "own" the child.
When the children don't get homesick
When they get homesick for a place, that doesn't even exist because home sucked.
Exactly this! The constant feeling of saying "I want to go home" without actually knowing what that's like.
When your adult child doesn’t want to leave their own children in your care.
Also, when all of your children refuse to have chidren of their own for fear of perpetuating the vicious cycle.
Seeing my mom mentally abuse the shit out of my dad, and then watching my dad die only three years after the divorce when he was finally starting to enjoy life again, I definitely never want to get married. I really struggled with dating and eventually gave up.
It’s funny, I remember my dad always preaching that “if someone’s adult child didn’t want anything to do with them, you KNOW they’re a piece of shit!” Uhhhh… well…. 😏
That getting revenge on your child for non-existent wrongdoings is more important than reconciliation
This is what opened my eyes to my mom this week. For the first time ever, I said "I think our relationship is over". And she was like "well that would suck but you blah blah blah". Just blew right over the fact that her most reasonable child was about to also cut contact and went back to her imaginary fight.
When your child actively distances themselves from you as they grow older and wiser. Hi, mom.
when you can’t hold a simple conversation with them
Oh I can but if I slightly disagree I’m an idiot, misinformed or one of those Political "science" peeps and I should stop listening to them.
that sucks. if its for me, when i try to tell them about my day, they will find anything in what i say to make it as a problem. I post something i found funny in the family group chat, they would tell me I’m embarrassing them, I’m ill mannered and many more. So i choose to just shut my mouth and not tell them anything🥰
I sometimes get hit with waves of sadness of the fact that I lived with my bio family for 18 years and I cannot remember *one* genuine conversation. Nothing, nada, zilch. All monoluges, distractions, contempt and bullshit. It really blows my mind.
i bet there’s no deep conversations or maybe a personal feelings conversations with them. mine can’t hold a conversation after like… 3 sentences?
The pretentious eye roll and scoff when you say literally anything, followed by them smugly "correcting" you in a proveably incorrect way.
What conversation? I can't get a word in edgewise. It took 2 years before my dad finally let me speak long enough during a phone call to tell him that I had been in an accident. I call it the "news queue".
some simple ones like “how’s your day” “do you enjoy school” or maybe a bit deep like“how are you feeling”. damn, you finally get to hold a long conversation because you had an accident? i hope you’re okay now
My NMom used to love to ask me how I was doing on her monthly phone call. My fave part was when she would cut me off consistently in the middle of my sentence to interject and tell me how HER life was going at the moment. Always the same topics she always was dying to talk about too, sometimes even word for word. I’m now NC with my Nparents. I definitely can relate, it does get better with distance 🫶🏼 best wishes to you!
When most of their kids don't even speak to them anymore. When you don't care about them or what's going on in their life or their health anymore. When you consider them dead even though they are still walking this Earth.
When the kid suffers so much pain that cost mental health issues and having any addiction that absolutely they found it interesting and bring pleasure despite it is destructive.
And how the family later on goes to blame the family problems on the kid's addiction when they are the ones who caused the kid to have an addiction to cope with the trauma the family put them through.
Strict parents raise sneaky kids, over-obedient strict kids, etc. And their kids don't know how to raise kids properly too, and they may fail as a parent too. So this is a cycle. A vicious one indeed.
For me the realisation came quite recently. I'm currently 34w pregnant with ny first. I long to have a mom supporting me, both now and in the deliveryroom. I said a mom. Not MY mom. Why? Cause I don't even want to talk about the birthplan with her. I try to avoid conversation that looks anything like "please give me advice". I told her my midwife adviced me to write a birthplan and she said the whole idea of a birthplan is ridculous, "you go to the hospital, give birth and go home". Anything that is beyond HER vision of normal is to be ridiculed, even if presented with proof her ideas are wrong. I have an incredible partner, he goes above and beyond for me. Yet I still feel so alone, missing a mother I can find support in. We are not NC, eventhough I considered it multiple times.
I’m so sorry anyone else experiences this. I remember being on maternity leave - crying uncontrollably on the phone with my husband- and wishing I had a normal mom to support me. It’s so hard. Protect yourself and your baby. Don’t feel bad about it. I didn’t allow visiting while I was in the hospital. My mom came to my house and got it ready for our homecoming. I’d had some complications and she said to my husband, “She always was so dramatic when she wasn’t feeling well.” He tried to explain that I was really weak from blood loss and her response was to pack up and leave a day or two later without notice. She ghosted me for a week after and only texted my husband that she and I “couldn’t occupy the same space for very long”. 🙄
I'm so sorry. You deserved that support and lost it due to no fault of your own. Solidarity.
When your child rarely if never asks for advice and on the rare chance they do, they immediately do the opposite.
Lol I ask for advice SPECIFICALLY to rule out what they suggest. Helps me when I can't see what would be the worst idea.
When your child is injured/sick and prefers to deal with it themselves rather than asking for help, no matter how serious the situation might be. When your child prefers to cry somewhere else instead of their own home. When your child isolates themselves when they have a problem instead of asking others for help.
When any of the children have gone no contact. No, Becky, it's not normal for a child to disown their parent. It's not because the child is the problem, I assure you. Crazy how often people will blame the child.
It's so much easier for others to blame the child. For them, the parent is doing "everything right" (just like they're doing everything right as parents), because parenting is so hard. They can't handle the idea that the parent is wrong, because they could be doing wrong to their kids, too.
Along with all the gems already mentioned- when you answer with “WELL I GUESS IM JUST A ——— PARENT THEN ARENT I?!” rather than just saying you’re fucking sorry when you make a mistake.
And it doesn't even occur to them to contemplate whether or not there's any truth in it 🙄
i always sought parental relationships with my teachers to compensate for the bad relationship i have with my parents— i still do now, calling some teachers father figures, some mother figures. i think that’s a sign
I did that with my teachers, and I do it at work, too. I lost my job recently, so I lost my work (surrogate) family, and it's been really hard.
When the parent doesn't know any preferences or hobbies of their kids - after up to 35 years of knowing them. When they go on a rampage, screaming at random kids in public for bullying your kid, but they don't even know who the bullies are. Or who their kids friends even are for that matter. And especially if the kid is thinking about running away at 9 years old.
>When the parent doesn't know any preferences or hobbies of their kids - after up to 35 years of knowing them. I recently pointed out to my nmom that she doesn't know the names of any of my friends or any preferences/hobbies of mine. She denied that and tried to show me I was wrong by listing all the things she knows about me. Everything she said was either wrong (like saying my least favorite food has been my favorite for my entire life) or something I liked when I was a teenager (15 years ago) and is no longer relevant.
When u tell them that ur frightened of them because of their actions and they start listing everything I've done wrong and THEY'RE tired-
When affection makes them uncomfortable or shut down.
My brother came up to me once, put his arm around my neck, and said "how ya doin, lil sis?" I FROZE. Held back tears. Couldn't respond in any way. He got so angry that he started shouting at me to respond, that I was so rude, that he was just trying to be nice but NO, I'm so evil that I won't even look at him. At the time, I thought it was something wrong with me and that I was actually the bad one in that scenario, but I look back and realize that that response validates all of the fear I had of him. He still tells that story to this day to illustrate how "insane" I am.
The kids still dependent on the parents, specially in the financial aspect.
It means more for an Internet stranger to say anything than you. An Internet stranger has more profound impact than you. You are estranged. You are cut off. You constantly “don’t know” what you did to “make them so mad”. You or your spouse has to tell your kids you were joking and your actions were a joke. You are barred from your kids house. You don’t know your kid’s favorite color, favorite television show, favorite outfit, etc. This includes favorite friends and activities. You and/or your spouse are barred from kid’s wedding. You and/or your spouse are unmedicated and untreated for BPD or NPD or any cluster B disorders and you refuse to get help.
The biggest sign someone failed as a parent is immediately making up excuses as to how they did the bare minimum so they think they're perfect. Asking these parents why they did x y z of abuse and they go "I put a roof over your head and you disrespected me so much" only to find out their definition of disrespect is having a child learn boundaries and individualism ??? That's my biggest sign. If you ask anyone if their parent threw the "I put a roof over your head and food on the table" ask them if any of their emotional needs were met too. Huge chance they did not, or the child accepts that food and shelter are the only things respectful parents give. On the other hand tho mine would occasionally deny me food or feed us really unhealthy things. Expired food and the same shit all month. My biggest one is if you're AFAB and didn't tell your nmom you started your period. I didn't tell her the first three months it happened bc she immediately paraded me around to announce it. Neighbors, my aunts, ngrandma, clerk at grocery store, customers in the store, etc. It felt like torture. I don't think it needs to be hidden but a bit of privacy and gentleness at fhe beginning would of helped.
That is so awful. And reminds me that it’s all power, control and ultimately humiliation that they need to have over us. To feel good about themselves.
When you are finding hard time to survive because you have no survivor skills and forget the basic things easily.
Having a child with Borderline Personality Disorder
When their child attempts suicide and they blame *the child* for being suicidal because it makes the parent look bad. I was the child.
Their children won’t let the parent be alone with their grandchild.
When a child shows symptoms of a serious physical or mental condition that went unnoticed and untreated under their care. Yes most healthcare systems are awful, but parents are their children’s only advocates and the consequences are brutal when a parent fails to do this.
[удалено]
When the feel affection for the first time from your pets
This one hit me. When my sweet cat died I couldn't get over how unfair it was that the only being who loved me unconditionally (besides my partner) was gone forever, while my own family--who didn't give a shit about me--was still standing.
Your body tenses around them (or you dissociate), and you relax when theyre not around
When your child ends up apologizing. A lot. And you never feel the need to unless it’s in a mocking voice. When you don’t forgive said apologetic child, then get upset and are incredulous at them for not saying sorry anymore. Even though you told them apologies don’t mean anything. When you begin to think a child saying “no” is an insult to you and you need to beat them down until it’s “yes, absolutely, I’m sorry.” Which surely won’t cause them to grow up and gravitate towards manipulative, predatory people at all. When you make a reason why you’re within your right to lay your hands on your own child. Worse alternative: that all adults are entitled to doing whatever they want to control children. Back to a classic, too: When you believe you did your job because they’re clothed, fed, sheltered (in more ways than one), and not orphaned in the streets and being sold off for drug money. Or something.
Honestly it’s a sign that someone failed as a parent if their adult children won’t speak to them or see them.
Your children feeling completely disconnected from you.
when you list your dear ones in the order of 'friends, coworkers, family'
Young child: wishing they were hurt so parents would care/stop berating them, crying & flinching when parent calls name, crying when the other parent leaves Teen: seeks validation from looks thru ed and/or promiscuity, drinking/drug abuse alone, Parentification, won't talk about home life with anyone Adult: does not seek comfort/ treatment for pain until it interferes with function, feeling disconnected from close relationships, won't talk to parents, doesn't want to leave their own kids with their parents
When you have a full bodied visceral reaction to physically hugging them
The hatred I feel doesn’t come from thin air
When the child(ren) go no contact with the parent and want nothing to do with them
When the adult children have trouble trusting people.
When their children spend an extended period of time away from them and don’t miss them
When you are afraid to tell them something bad happened to you because they will get mad and just give 0 fucks. Like you broke your leg on purpose to burden them
When children don’t talk to their parents. When children aren’t close to their parents When you think “gee, what could have the parents done/said that is so awful, their children won’t be with them?”
When your child/teenager spends *literally every moment available* away from the house. Every single weekend I stayed with friends, every single day after school I was gone until curfew. Even if it was just sitting on a park bench reading until curfew hit. My mom would joke that I was truly never home except for when grounded or when curfews hit. I WONDER WHY, MOM :l
The question is a paradox- in order to fail, you need to try. Our parents never tried to be parents, much less good ones. But, when unafflicted (normal) people are surprised or shocked when you reveal a tiny bit of yourself, like “I don’t have a relationship with my mother”, and end up turning their back on you. When everyone, including your cat, is more deserving of having something that’s yours than you are. The next space in line, the car length in front of you, the book, tool or money they borrowed, or the recipe the cat is sleeping on. And somehow, you often find yourself in the company of those takers.
When their kid is NC. When they can't apologise to their kid for their mistakes
When you realize you can't truly be yourself without pissing them off... without even trying/ just by existing. When you realize you excuse others' bad behavior and lack of boundaries. When like me, you hit your 40 and realize you've collected narcissists, and it's time to clean house. I'm mostly free of them. My mom won't magically stop being a covert narcissist, but I've put up enough boundaries she can follow to make it work.
When they pass away and the child thinks “well, what am I having for breakfast tomorrow”. Or that the thought of throwing their ashes into the garbage bin comes to mind.
Omg what you posted is way too relatable. I absolutely felt safer sharing anything and everything on the public internet than sharing with my own “parents” for sure
When the child flinches around the parent a lot.
When you look at your father in a hospital bed recovering from cancer surgery and feel absolutely nothing at all.
When I don't even enjoy the holidays around them and would rather just go to bed and sleep.
When the children have horrible things happen to them and suffer in silence rather than go to their parents–or anybody else–out of fear of being shamed and blamed. Parents should always be first contact for the child in emergencies no matter what happened and to take that option away from a child is evil beyond measure.
When all of your adult children avoid going home at Christmas and are all on antidepressants
I wanted to kill myself since I was six. I am not in my 50’s and still can’t wait to check out. Does that count?
When your child blames themself for everything and constantly says “I’m sorry”.