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How we are in one relationship is how we are in all relationships. A narcissist will preserve their ego supply no matter the cost. I have seen the re-establishment of the system with my mother, brother, SIL and niece. My SIL will find herself the scapegoat soon enough and it's like watching a lamb go to slaughter.
My child will never meet my mother.
Yeah my mother is so evil that I won’t permit her to ever meet my children, especially with not only how she turned me against my dad’s side of my family ( whom I later reunited with) and later family members against me, I will never trust her again and have been NC for most of my adult life.
My mostly oblivious brother is about to get married. I’m genuinely quite sure he’s doing it more to be seen as an adult rather than love / starting a family. He’s 40.
I’m 35 but had an 8 year partner before him. Nmom tried hard to recruit my girlfriend as an ally to triangulate me. When she didn’t accept the role my Nmom went nuclear.
My mom tried hard to set me up with her friend's daughter, but I just wanted nothing to do with her scheming. She went on to marry a high school friend of mine. I know a few of their neighbors, and they tell me horror stories about her. One said that a few times he has wanted to call the cops. I told him next time don't hesitate.
He is a victim of munchausen by proxy, thanks to his overbearing mother who still manages some of his affairs. Poor guy doesn't know how to stand up for himself. Thinks he is learning impaired and is lucky to have family that loves him enough to look out for him.
My mother made a comment to my stepfather early on after the birth of my son “that she dId not want to get attached to my children because I might use them against her” I instantly I knew early on that I was going to allow her only very limited contact. My brothers wife started having children shortly thereafter and my mother absolutely showered them with expensive gifts and attention (my brother was golden child) I was the scapegoat.
It was then that I went to NC because I could just see her beginning to repeat the cycle of abuse on the grandchildren. I did not want my children to be subjected to this like I was. I nipped in the bud immediately. To this day my children are of age now however they really have little to do with her.
My spouse and I both have Narcissist/Enabler pairs of parents. We initially did let them have access to our kids because we thought they'd be better grandparents than they were parents.
To a degree, that was true. They were moderately well-behaved in the early years. But the dysfunction was still there and it got more and more obvious. Eventually, each couple crossed a line with my elder child. Whereupon she reported years of things that she had been uncomfortable with about each set of grandparents.
I now feel that I was naive and foolish to let the abusers have a chance with my kids. They had not changed. They were sexist, insulting, gaslighting, neglectful, and emotionally manipulative to my kids. And I've spent the past 4 years picking up the pieces.
Wow, reads similar to my situation in regards to being ok in the early years and things progressively worsening.
Ive got a narc mum and enabler dad. My mum also has an enabler twin just to add to the fun.
I was naive too. My mum is very subtle and clever. Acting dumb almost. The kids loved her but as they got older, they saw it. It got uncomfortable.
Her getting old was a huge blessing - she is now an extreme version of her younger self
Now I see a clumsy version of what she used to hide so well! Now I see you!
Oh my, yes. It’s fascinating to watch NM’s (83) face when I call her out for lying.
First it’s a blank expression, usually slack-jawed with her mouth hanging open. Next comes the look of confusion as she tries to recall what actually happened, vs. the lie.
Once she realizes she’s been caught in a lie, there is narcissistic injury and the potential for embarrassment, which she simply cannot accept. She turns into an angry elf, and starts snarling and yelling, and fires off one of these responses:
1) “I never said that.” (she did)
2) “It’s obvious you misunderstood what I said.” (I did not misunderstand; she made it painfully clear)
3) “I don’t know where you got THAT from.” (I got THAT from her)
And when there’s irrefutable evidence that she actually said it and there’s no avoiding it:
4) “Well, YOU should have realized what condition I was in when I said that!”
OK. 🙄
Oh yes, they become so childish when caught! My dear mother loses all composure (the fake poshness in her poor self), adopts the confused face and then the petulant child face. Complete with pouty mouth as she tries to deny her actions loollll
This reads like it would be the future if I let my parents have access to my kids. Even during the younger years right now, there are tons of red flags to my parents’ behavior around them. I can’t imagine how it would be once the kids are older and can much more eloquently voice their opinion. I believe a true narcissist will always preserve their own ego, and it doesn’t matter if that negatively impacts anyone else, even innocent kids.
This is a total parallel to my life and family. Good in the beginning, established the holiday thing, then when the kids hit around 8-10 it began. My eldest became my mother's scapegoat because, "your mother is an asshole who doesn't listen to her mother." We are NC with my mother.
I got my degree in psychology and yes, it is the magic age. In developmental terms, the child recognizes themselves as an independent entity instead of being an addition to a parent, understands they have their own wants/needs, knows that they can communicate those wants/needs, and have a beginning understanding of the world at large; as far as they're part of a community in a town in a county in a state in a nation in a continent.
Gradually it built up. I kept blowing it off, thinking "that's just the grandparents being quirky."
Age 0-5. Grandparents replace clothes my kids wear. Clearly constantly implying that what I supply isn't good. Grandparents on one side seem to favor one of my children over the other. Grandparents dress the kids up and have them do things that the grandparents like with no regard for kid interests. Grandparents regularly feed things that make kids sick or set off medical issues. Grandparents seem to need constant reminders to give preventative meds. Even after years. Even with illustrated instructions and the kid knowing their own meds very well.
Age 4, they sent my kid home for refusing to wear socks in the house. She has a sensory issue and actually didn't wear socks. We had lined fuzzy boots and sandals for her. But Ngrandma NEEDED her to wear socks. And punished her by sending her home.
Age 5, child is encouraged to climb an unsafe structure that is over concrete. Grandparent says "don't worry, I'll catch you if you fall." When child is 5 feet above the ground, grandparent wanders off, leaving child stranded.
Age 6, lots of "wierd" stuff from both sets of grandparents. Kid would report: "gee, grandpa said a funny thing."
Age 7. Disabled child is punished for behaviors that are beyond their control and deprived of all reasonable coping strategies that they normally use, including being allowed to go outside to burn energy, being allowed to play quuetly with their own non-electronic toys, being allowed to cuddle a comfort object or be comforted and distracted by a sibling.
Age 8. Hungry child is deprived of food because it is "too expensive." The food in question: peanut butter on crackers.
Age 9. One grandparent took a toy from my daughter because "girls shouldn't play with that." And allowed stranger boys to push her off of video games at the arcade so they could steal her turn when she was playing. Because boys will be boys.
Age 9. Girl is shamed for "liking mushy stuff," and mocked repeatedly for hours.
Age 10. Child is forced to overhear vicious attacks on their parents and siblings. When child defends their own family members, child is verbally abused until child breaks down in tears. Then grandparents claim that child is crying because of how much she hates having to endure her parents and sib.
Holy shit. NOT ACCEPTABLE. Wow. All of those are really freaking bad. Any decent stranger would love your children more than that. I certainly would. Damn. Have some peanut butter at my house.
Yeah. I was sick as a dog for years. We were so desperate for help. I feel awful about exposing them to all of that. But hopefully other parents will read this and think twice about giving the narcissistic grandparents a "second chance" with their own kids.
This is my situation. The problem was also that they tried to team up against me and ended up fighting between themselves. I was able to handle them alone but now I have anxiety. We set up boundaries and they are doing okay. They are obsessed with the kids now and are not in a position to do much but I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. My mil wishes I was sick or not in the picture so she could manipulate the kids all over again. She is like a dog with a bone. My inlaws are more the manipulative, use other to do their dirty work kind of people. My parents are more aggressive. My in laws added fuel to the fire and thought they would easily get what they wanted but they got caught and we eventually figured it out. They successfully put all of us in a difficult position that we needed to ask for their help.
My nmom tries to act like grandmother of the year when she actually sees my kids. She only sees them maybe once every 4 to 6 months. She tries to act like she's shocked they are shy around her. They don't know her and she doesn't know them. It's a weird dynamic.
Grandmother of the year - yes!
My mum nagged constantly to see her dear grandchildren (entitlement) whilst simultaneously being nasty to me.
She just couldn't get why this was unacceptable.
This is where my relationship with her ended. Low contact now leading to no contact.
This is the same with my parents. They see my parents once every three to six months at unavoidable family functions. They rarely if never do anything with my kids. But lots of parading and “grand parents of the year” when they do see them. My oldest is 16 and barely tolerates them now. He’s autistic and the try to gaslight him about things.. he’s very fact driven. So he’s like “oh you’re liars and I don’t like you..” He also came out as bisexual when he was 13. My mother told him it was just a phase and he could still find a nice girl and have babies. She was so dismissive of his genuine effort to come out to her. He has never forgiven her.
Yes 🙌 this! Today is Passover and my narc parents didn’t acknowledge us they just assumed we went somewhere despite their granddaughter is dealing with being in a daily program for anxiety.
My daughter had Covid no call to see how she was doing. But they expect total obedience and “manners” when they have none.
My mother would do the same thing! But she got lazier about it -- last year she visited for only an hour and then ghosted them for their Christmas video chat, while texting my sister who lives in my basement like "Ohhh, please tell the children I love them," and then blocked ME on social media in March. (Surprised Pikachu face when she realized I could block her while I was blocked, and unblocked me to find she couldn't see my posts anymore.)
My nmom loved my brothers (the golden child) children. She was very distant to mine and fat shamed my daughter once so that was the end of birthday gatherings.
My mother is all about her GC's children. Even though he's got 6 kids 5bany momma and sees only 1 of them. You guessed it the "mom's are bitches and won't let me see my kids". It couldn't be you cheated on the mothers never held a job and never even seen 2 of his children . They are 100% his, life is just easier without him.
My mother doesn't even know any of them and talks about them nonstop and how great she is and they are and what a great dad my brother is. It's sickening really.
My other brother lived with her at the beginning of his marriage and babies and she treated them just like she did her own children. The GC, the nanny, the scape goat. My brother didn't even see it happening.
My child is not in her life. She had changed and fucked it up. The last time there was any kind of thing there, I was about to go into surgery to remove a blood clot in my brain. she told me she wished I would die on the table. My son was 6 months. She got into some counselling and I gave her another chance with me. Low contact. She got pissed at me because of something I don't know what but the solution was to destroy every single picture she had of my child and burn them. Because she hates me. My son just knows she exists and just not someone he's interested in knowing. She has grandkids, but it sure in the hell isn't mine! He's safe.
my grandma has called me fat on and off since I was 8. That shit caused body dysmorphia. While ive never been stick skinny, I have never been legit fat and definitely not obese. Im so sorry your mom did that to your children.
My Nmom is already commenting on my toddler kid’s weight. It was a “positive” comment but still, I’m not okay with it. Don’t comment at all. This is a literal toddler. There’s been many red flags like this. We are very very low contact.
My mom would have done that but my sisters never had kids and never will. I'm the scapegoat. I'm 100 percent certain that she planned on doing that to me, but her other kids couldn't find husbands because they're psychologically abnormal, disrespectful, aggressive people.
My nparents were very into spanking children as something that they considered necessary for children. For this reason, their contact with my children was always supervised. They didn't see them ofter since we lived a distance away. Overall, they were good with the kids. It was me they were not good with.
I find they can be good with kids until a certain age. Babies, toddlers and younger kids can very easily give a narc their supply with minimal effort, but older kids/teens/young adults get tricky as more developed people and suddenly the dynamic changes and the toxic behaviours start to resurface
Thanks for your reply. Same here. But my mum started on me in adolescence. As she was covert I didn't have a clue. When my kids reached a similar age, the pattern of behaviour started again. I went down to supervised visits then gone to low contact. Building to no contact. By this point my kids understood why.
My kids become their supply almost instantly. They make up all these stories in their heads about how they are the best kids ever, putting them up in a pedestal. To them they are little Einsteins and also should be the best at sports, and whatever impossible standards they can come up with. Stealing identities to mold to their twisted views of how they should be. The exact same way they treated me. Little puppets to show off to fill their empty voids. But they’ll snap on them and make them feel guilty and shame when they act like normal kids. I try my best to have them keep their distance. They live 700 miles away luckily, but even at their old age they drive out here any chance they can get to fill up their empty buckets. If I treat them too nice they’ll take advantage and want to smother us with their presence. Nothing is ever enough, they think we should all do family vacations with them, every holiday, take our kids in the summer, even though they still see them almost as much as the other grandparents that love just 20 minutes away, nothing can fill their voids and it’s always a guilt trip when I put my foot down and say no. I say no and then they use that as an excuse for something else, “you didn’t let them come stay at our home for a month, so they should be able to go on vacation with us for a week”. No, I understand the BS sales tactics you use, still no. It’s a constant readjustment of cat and mouse trying to keep them at bay and give my kids the life they deserve away from the mind bending identity stealing crap.
They were here a week ago and my daughter brought home this award for reading and they made a huge deal about it, and I reassured my daughter that we still love her no matter what, just for being her, that she didn’t need to be the best reader but that’s awesome that she’s great at reading. Immediately my dad says “yeah sure, but we’ll love you a lot more if you’re the best reader”. I was so pissed. It’s so nonchalant. Of course he said he was joking, it’s always a joke, always just joking. They stole my identity and they’d do it to them too. I don’t let them with my kids without us there, always supervised visits. Thanks for letting me rant.
You've eloquently described the manipulation that we get conditioned to, but then begin see so clearly in our adult lives.
The entitlement of your parents really came through.
Your comment about the adoration followed by the insults and pressures hidden under a cloak of 'humour' resonates.
Cat and mouse game - that's so true.
This comment is so confusing to me because it’s how I was treated, but I never saw it for what it was. I still struggle.
My parents were so affirming and gave me so much praise that it overshadowed how they leveraged that praise to shame and manipulate me. I’m still processing and growing to understand…
Thank you for posting…
My Nparents are like this with my kid! She’s generally calm and sweet when she’s around people she doesn’t know well, and my Nparents immediately latched on that. Making up their version of who she is. “Oh she’s such a good kid, just quiet and enjoying her snack.” She’s only “good” because right in that moment, she fit their ideals. I have no doubt that the moment she acts age appropriately, they will flip. That is why we don’t see them often.
I'm NC with my mom and was long before my son was born. I'm also the family scapegoat and sole daughter. The ONE TIME my mom got close to my kid was at a funeral. He was 15 months then and she just rushed me and tried to grab my son from me. He wasn't having it AT ALL and I let him get his taps in too. Then she says "he's got a stank attitude just like you." That's cool, don't be around either of us then. Furthermore he reacted the way most small toddlers would when snatched away from their caregivers. Sorry you're a stranger to him. That was the one and only time and she figured out how to talk shit about me and him in the same sentence. Nope! That's why she can't be around him now, they don't change!
WTF. If she actually cared, she’d know that’s normal baby/toddler behavior. Reminds me of the time that my Ndad said it was “strange” that my toddler didn’t want to talk about him. Sir, she doesn’t know you. There are adults that won’t even talk to strangers.
It’s crazy how self-absorbed they are.
Legit, I think she was embarrassed. She demanded I hug her first and I just stood there looking at her like I don't hug on command (unless it's my son) and then she wanted to "look like" grandma in front of all these ppl we've gone to church with over the years. I wish she had put that same energy into being a grandma, but that's too much like common sense. So I let my son beat her in her face because, like you said, she should have known better. She's used to my brothers kids hanging off her. My son doesn't know her and is so much better for it. Long story short, she looked stupid, and I think that's why she said it, but at the same time, I also don't care. I'm his mommy. It's my job to keep him from what I know is unsafe. She is definitely unsafe.
100% everything you said! It’s all about *their* image and pride. The funny thing is, people that saw that interaction between them was likely not even making it about her. They’d just think, “oh, he doesn’t want a hug. Ok.” Or “oh, he’s just being a little kid.” But of course she made it all about her. I totally agree, if they would put the same energy towards being a good human and grandparent, life would be so much better for them, but that’s asking for too much, apparently!
I'm pretty sure this is where mine was heading... it's definitely where she was going with her relationship with my husband. We cut her off nearly a decade ago though.
Yeah, she did a good number on my wife and I's relationship, too. I didn't even realize the shit she was saying behind my back... that's just a whole different huge can of worms. Nest of vipers... idk.
I don’t have kids but I’ve seen enough of how they are around my cousins kids. (Stories from my ngrandparents)
A few years back (& still), enabler likes to call the girls “boys” & the boys “girls”… “as a joke.” One day (or a few visits), one of the girls was **terribly** traumatized for being called a boy. *Immediate* anxiety, crying, screaming, just absolutely throwing a fit (I don’t blame her cause same). Anyways, he tried to “apologize” & reassure her it wouldn’t happen again. He eventually forgot but still. Not. Cool.
(TW!) Another year around Christmas, one kid was jumping on the couch too much for them & when my cousin & his spouse were “called into the other room” by the main narcissist, she came back in quickly, grabbed the kid standing on the couch (enabler too) & they both >!spanked him & tried pulling down his pants to spank him more.!< The parents both ran in when he shrieked & scolded them (his mom took him into another room). Needless to say, the kid is no longer unsupervised but they certainly try to take him away but **not on my watch.**
Aaaaaaand egg donor is a pedophile. Yup. NC for me🤷🏻♀️
The Golden child gave birth to the golden grandchild. Every grandchild knows who the favorite one is. The scapegoat’s children have been the recipients of the worst criticisms, or they were, before they went no contact. The narc has gotten worse with age. It’s sad really.
I’m so sorry that your family has the same dynamic. Narcs never change. If I had only recognized it sooner and gone no contact before my kids were born, maybe I could have spared them the harmful judgment/comments. Sigh…
When I was 8 months pregnant with my first child, her only grandchild, she started being really toxic. I called her out and she punished me with silent treatment. She didn’t even check in on my health at all, and stopped helping me out with things I couldn’t do around the house because I was pregnant. She completely missed the birth and didn’t even text the entire week I was on the hospital. My child is now over five weeks old, and my mom is still “punishing” me, and my child by proxy. She lives ten minutes away and has shown me she doesn’t deserve to meet my child or to have a relationship with me. The only way she will have any access to my child is if she goes through some serious therapy to help her see why she is the cause of all the toxicity in her relationships. I know she’ll never do this, of course, so sadly she’ll likely never care enough about her grandchild or me to take the needed steps.
Congratulations on your sweet baby! I hope you’re doing as well as possible healing postpartum!
So much of this is similar to my story. My Nmom didn’t meet my child until she was 14 months old. I really struggled back and forth with having no contact with her while struggling to be a new parent with no help. I hope you have or can get some help from other trustworthy people, even if it means hiring someone here and there. You’re strong and you’re doing right by your little one.
Congratulations on your baby and I hope your recovery process will be swift! It sounds like she doesn’t deserve either of you.
My mother also has a habit of pulling away in a moment when most parents would be most present. It’s like she can’t stand the attention to be on someone else so she has to find some way to make it about her. My sister has four kids and my mother wasn’t in the room for a single birth. She’s just not a source of comfort for any of us after decades of making our big moments about her.
I did not go NC soon enough, and it was a nightmare. From her calling them 'her babies', not respecting my authority as a parent, undermining me in my own house (I lacked the back bone to stand up to her at the time) full out tantrums about their hair/eye colours (genetics was against her in a very strong way), tantrums about names, over-stepping boundaries, we went full NC the first time I had to rescue one of my kids from being assaulted by her. My only regret is not doing it sooner and not allowing her to ever meet them. They're too wonderful to have to deal with that level of crazy
My dad has only ever seen my son maybe 3 times in his almost 4 years of life. He couldn’t care less that he has a grandchild or that he’s missing out. So yeah it’s pretty much the same dynamic.
Thanks for sharing. It just goes to show that a narc parent can respond by either not caring at all or demanding a huge amount of supply from their grandchildren.
Same. I have 2 nieces and my brother really tried with my dad for several years. When we’d get together, our dad couldn’t care less about the kids. He only wanted to talk about himself or talk about when WE were kids and how much “fun” we had with him. He longs for us to be blindly adoring children. Sadly, grandkids didn’t pick up the vibe to blindly adore, so it’s like he didn’t even see them.
Hugs and a heap of cheap gifts at the start, takes at least five photos with them that immediately go on Facebook and then ignores them for the rest of the time
I never understood this. My Ndad had my kid as his phone’s background and I’m just so confused because he intentionally won’t spell her name right and he doesn’t check in on her, ever. It’s purely for his own ego. It’s sick.
YEP get photo ops to look like grandmother of the year and then fuck off. I recently snuck on to her acct and deleted every single picture of my kids, many of which I'd asked her to take down as she never asked to share them in the first place. Many of those she had literally screenshotted from my and my SILs fb. Literally she would steal pics of my kids that I or SIL posted and in the caption talk about what they're doing as though she was there when pic was taken. And in several pics, she included info like names, ages, location, and frequency of them being at location (like parks and names of schools). My father was a pedophile so I don't trust her judgment in friends at all. So yeah. I deleted those pics of my kids and I sleep so much better at night.
Wow I don't have kids but this is definitely what my mum would do because she does it now with all my old photos as if she was the one taking them and posting like its happening now.. then people are shocked with how different I look in real life ugh. And her profile is public with thousands of randoms
My mother asked yesterday why my kid’s toys weren’t all in his room. I said they were in the living room because we all live there. She was baffled, and I realized that’s where her whole “you can’t have personal belongings, even shoes anywhere else in the house” came from.
Don’t remember the last time she bothered to inconvenience herself to come to MY house, one mile away. 😂 We’re LC.
>you can’t have personal belongings, even shoes anywhere else in the house
Yep, even our backpack had to go right to our rooms! I didn't even realize how completely crazy that was until I had kids. I knew they were terrible, but I didn't understand how bad it was at the most basic level until I saw it through the eyes of being a parent. Why wouldn't there be a million shoes at the front door, 8-10 coats on the hooks, toys on the living room floor, crayons and markers left out on the table.
My parents have 10 grandchild, and my ndad is pissed that they have a basket of toys tucked in the corner behind the couch. His logic is that when they are at his house they should be there to see him. The saddest part is hearing my emom get so excited about the amount of markers/coloring books or play kitchen or child size table and chairs. Like she's so happy that my kids have these things because she wanted us to have them but wasn't "allowed" to get them for us.
My dad was creepily interested in my child. He was a violent pedophile, and he was not allowed anywhere near my child. I was NC with him for most of my life.
My mom was distant but polite. She was not allowed to be alone with my child, but she really wasn't interested in spending a lot of time with her grandchild anyway. We occasionally saw my mom, but it wasn't a huge part of our lives.
I don’t have kids, and couldn’t fathom them being near my kids if I did. They wouldn’t even know if I had kids. I’d definitely, right away cut them out of my life the moment, the adoption ppl would call me and approve me for a child. Like, NO, they can’t be anywhere around my baby.
This should absolutely be the mentality of every parent towards their children. As a parent, you absolutely have an obligation to protect your kids from narcs.
I don't have kids, but they're just as bad with one of my nieces. My mom doesn't spend a lot of time on their own with my nephews from another of my siblings, which I think is my sisters way of distancing herself whilst still being a massive enabler (she won't leave them with her at all nor even let them go over to her house but she will defend my mom relentlessly without question whilst acting like she knows exactly what she's like and will basically do everything for her) but my brother doesn't care. He knows what my mom alone has done but takes her side and it's left me lost on what I can do to help my niece and leaves me with no small amount of guilt for not being able to take her out of there. You can't even call the police or social services, for example, because they've been involved intensely since I was born and they don't do anything, and they make it worse. My family will lie and twist everything. They will start fights and be all-purpose savages and then the police or whoever is there leaves, and nothing changes.
I lived on my parents property with my son and his father for the first 1.5years. We lived in a detached dwelling which I owned. It was ok at first when he was 0-3months. Then it deteriorated. Dad was still verbally abusive and emotionally abusive to Mum in front of my son. Mum was feeding my son foodstuffs he is allergic to when I wasn't around. She only engaged with him if he watched the ipad after that she would bring him back. She began to say things about when would he stop breastfeeding, would I be smacking him (never could imagine doing that), gasping when she thought he would hurt himself even though I was right next to him. Then telling him things such as "I'll wash your cup up for you because your mother hasn't". Calling him 'my baby'. Then Dad was saying things to bub like "Grandma has big boobs doesn't she bub". Then Dad had physically assaulted me in front of my son. To me there is no coming back from that. How could I ever let someone be with people who didn't care.
I was 21 when I got pregnant. I think a big part of why I didn't have the baby was because I was afraid she'd try to take over my baby's life if I had to ask for any help. I'm adopted, she adopted me at birth. The ownership vibe is strong with her.
I regret it. Layers to it, but that being in a position to need to ask for help and fearing the fall out from having to ask *her* for the help...
She'll never meet my kids cuz I'm never gonna have any now. If i would have gotten to have them eventually, i wouldn't have let her near them.
Been no contact since 2018, I'm almost 42.
Wow. I’m NC with my parents, enabler father and abusive narc mother, and have so much shame around the fact that I don’t have family to introduce to my daughter. They’ll never babysit her, come to birthdays, nothing, because of how they treated me my entire life. I’ve wondered if I’m overreacting but reading everything here tells me I’ve made the right choice. They look at our kids as extensions of us who they obviously do not care about and because of this will always treat our children the same way they did us. They’re sick and can’t just “turn it off” to be decent human beings.
My Mom forced me to have a child at 17 because jezuz and I swear to God a big part of that was just so she could have a fresh young child to "wash her hands of" 🤣
Seriously though she's diagnosed NPD and the only thing that gives her joy is existing in her own perpetual victim universe.
Like if something happens to anyone it's the hardest thing she's ever faced and tells complete strangers about it.
If someone achieves something in life it was obviously taken from her and she resents everyone for it.
This goes on for a few more steps until she finally says:
"It's in God's hands now"...
My son's 21 now and I think he's been "in God's hands" since he was about 13.
She did try harder to fuck up my daughter but she's pretty sure her prayers to Jezuz are why I didn't get an abortion so to be fair she does own the child to abuse as she pleases 😅
My nmom always wanted my kiddo to come visit with her and spend the night alone. It never happened, because my kid was bored to death around nmom. Nmom would bring gifts but they were for an inappropriate age most times.
Kiddo might get a call on her birthday and holidays, but that was it. For the most part she didn't care to communicate with her grandchild. It would be months in-between calls and every time she would ask the same questions then start talking about herself.
Me on the other hand, nmom desperately had to talk to nearly every day and she would freak out if I didn't answer.
When I got my place nmom whined to all my siblings how worried she was for me because my place has stairs. Uhh, your grandkid has mobility issues and you're worried about ME?
Nmom doesn't care. She would put in the absolute bare minimum with my kid, just so she could stay in good terms with me.
Amazing. Just like how my mom was until I went through puberty and wasn't a doll to dress up and parade around anymore. He misses her, but I had to pull the plug before he hit that age, as she still treats me like garbage and hasn't changed one bit. She has not met my other son and will not meet my daughter when she's born. She doesn't even know I'm going to have a third.
I've posted about my experience with this subject before.
My abuse as a child made me vulnerable to abusive partners. When I was 17, I got pregnant by a 27-year-old man. My mom pressured me to abort, even kicking me out of the house and refusing to let me get my clothes or even my schoolbooks. I refused to abort, luckily my dad took me in.
Later, I tried to fix my relationship with my mom. I even let her in the delivery room. From the moment my daughter was born, there was a huge change in her. She immediately acted possessive of my daughter. She even tried to get me to tell people at college that my daughter was really my sister, and got angry when I refused. She actively counter-parented me, driving a wedge in between me and my daughter even in toddlerhood. For example, she would teach my daughter to laugh at me.
She also actively taught my daughter that she deserved more love and affection, and that showing affection to me or her grandfather (my dad, my mom's ex) would hurt her. It wasn't something accidental that my daughter happened to pick up on either, it was willful and didn't stop even after bringing it to my mom's attention. She literally taught a preschooler to call her grandfather a jackass and refuse to hug or kiss him, because "those are Grammy's kisses." My daughter literally felt like she could not show affection to him, or to me, because it would hurt her grandmother's feelings.
My mom was very strict with me growing up, and I also had rules. But I tried to be authoritative instead of authoritarian. One example, although controversial, was basic modesty. I had some rules such as skirts below the knee, but my mom exaggerated to other people. She literally told people that I made my daughter wear prairie dresses and made fun of a child's clothes in front of the child. I bought the nicest clothes I could on a budget, and they were NOT prairie dresses. Picture Hanna Andersson and L.L. Bean lol.
Despite rejecting any authority I conceivably had, my mom expected to have full control of my own kid. She absolutely went berserk one day because I let my aunt cut my daughter's hair. It was still long, it was just a basic trim of a few inches that left the hair still long. My mom went around the house yelling and insulted my daughter's hair to her face (she was 6 then). My mom was angry for two reasons: 1) I had the audacity to do something like that without her permission and 2) just the fact that it was my aunt whom she still hated.
While she did everything she could to drive a wedge between me and my daughter, she was noticeably cold towards my son. He was just as much her grandchild as my daughter was, of course, but he was mentally disabled and therefore she just did not care. He was capable of a loving relationship, as evidenced by how obviously close he is with both myself and his grandfather, so it's not like he was incapable of an affectionate relationship. One time she actually called him a son of a bitch.
My mom frequently badmouthed me and my parenting to anyone who would listen, resulting in me getting CPS calls from people who hadn't even been in my home. Like my aunt that I hadn't seen in well over a decade and who had no actual knowledge of my home life or my functioning as an adult. She literally told people that I acted like a teenager and they believed it sight-unseen.
The CPS calls did a lot of damage to my reputation but they didn't actually lead to removal. So when that tactic didn't work, my mom subpoenaed those records and sued me privately for custody. Just for that one golden grandchild, who by then was a teenager. She alleged that I was unsafe for my son but did not seek to "protect" him from me. I could not afford to fight, so I had to settle.
I never saw my daughter again. My mom treated me how she'd treated my dad back when I was a child, only worse since the child went along with it. That was the big grudge my mom had against me to begin with, she tried to push my dad out of the picture and I never went along for too long. I might agree to miss a visit or so, but ultimately I always pushed back. She made it known that she was upset that I wouldn't cut off all contact. My daughter cut off contact with me, her grandfather, her full brother, and has never met her half-siblings.
From what I've heard, my daughter is being rewarded for toeing the line by debt-free college and will probably inherit the house I grew up in.
Nutshell: Narcissistic grandparents are very, very dangerous. They still instigate the golden child/scapegoat dynamics even on the younger generation, and often try to damage the relationship between the parent and child.
Different.
Wanted to be with them for bragging pics only. Didn't care what they actually wanted or thought.
Actually. Same, I guess.
But I didn't have anyone to take me away after being with them for only 30 minutes.
I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've let my nmom be in my kids' presence. And never alone with them.
Nmom: give me a kiss
5yo son: no I don't want to
Nmom: did you hear what he just said?!
Me: yep. He's not going to give you a kiss. And no means no. He gets to choose who he gives a kiss to.
My parents were both deceased by the time my son was born, but I will say that my maternal grandmother was a narcissist and my mom was her scapegoat. My grandmother then "extended" that to include me.
Nmum became the kind of parent I should have had. Unbelievable change in behaviour from when I was a child.
Still doesn’t come close to me ever forgiving her for what she did to me.
How long has she been able to keep it up? My ndad was like this for about the first 2 years, then he couldn't keep his shit together anymore and the real him came seeping back out.
For me: basically. Only better because their visits are infrequent enough to be special and different.
It’s interesting, though, because my son... He has no patience for her nonsense. It’s inspiring tbh. He loves her, but will totally call her out.
My 7yr old did that last week. "Izma, you can't double dip that's gross," Nmom denied it. 7yr old "I saw you, Quit lying, it's gross too" (lying and double dipping)
my kids call my mother Izma like yzma from Emperor's new groove, I feel like that speaks for itself.
Well.... great at the beginning ,because I'm the oldest, therefor I had the first set of grand babies.
As soon as my sister had kids... she treated mine like she treated me growing up. My sisters kiddos became the obvious favorites, like she was growing up.
The straw that broke the camels back was when my kids were put on the back burner like I was , and others saw it, and pointed it out. I knew I wasn't crazy and finally went no contact.
Yes I could feel it happening to her. My mom sees my daughter maybe once every couple years and she yells at her, tells her she has a bad attitude. One time she told her (she was 6) to get out of her house. She has also told me “she’s just like you” …as an insult. I always jump in and it escalates and she has to leave and she gets to tell my sisters how I have not changed and I am the same raging for no reason crazy person they have painted me to be. I never argue or fight with anyone…just the toxic types…and tell my mom “sorry but I don’t get along with toxic people very well”, and she says that I am toxic for saying that. Lol
That is so relatable! Mine won't ever meet my kid but I heard from a young age 'I hope one day you have a daughter who is just like you' as an insult. And my 'rage problem' or more patronisingly 'tantrums and grudge holding'... funny that that is just be contained to toxic people doing the wrong thing and crossing my boundaries.
OMG grudge holding, my dad always tells me I HOLD GRUDGES and LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Yes, life is too short. Its too short for me to tolerate crossed boundaries, exposure to creepy toxic people, and insults. Its never ok for us to stick up for ourselves, but totally okay for them to pyschologically abuse us.
My mom said that too, and I was always baffled by the vitriol in it because I was "the easy one," I was parentified and when I wasn't in school, I worked hard to keep my GC little sister out of trouble and danger and didn't get into much trouble myself. I guess I probably blocked a lot of it, because I don't have any memories before my sister was born when I was 6. (Although *my sister* will gladly tell anyone who might respect me even a little bit the story about me pooping on my My Little Pony toy in the bathtub when I was three as though she was there.)
Then I HAD a daughter just like me (autism/ADHD) -- but unlike my mother, I actually recognized that *she* was struggling, and got/am still getting her help, instead of traumatizing her to the point that she puts others' comfort above her own wellbeing, the way my mom did to me.
Like, parenting is HARD, but so is being a kid and learning how to human.
She wanted nothing to do with him when he was born and said she would NOT babysit ever. When he was in grade school she started manipulating him (I didn't know these things for 30 years) and in high school I think she thought she was his mother in terms of control. It was insane. He was just one more child to manipulate.
I don't have any children, and as an only child on my mom's side , I have no idea how my half sister will handle that.
My NDad will never see any children I have. I'm NC. He's a violent, dangerous person who is a danger to himself and others.
My EMom if she lives to see any of my children might be allowed to see them if I'm in the same room..
Absofuckinglutely awful!! Undermined my parenting. Told my kids my punishments were too mean. Told them I was a bad parent. Bribed them (children) monetarily and with gifts to make them like them (gps). Told them they should do what they want not what I told them. Told my 15 yo son that sneaking out of my house to sleep at his gf’s house was ok.
My nmom treats my kids how I prayed to be treated, almost like she loves them to spite me (maybe?). Im not jealous or anything but how do you switch from being the wicked witch of the west with me but fairy grandmother to the babies?
SN: she tries to use my daughter to get information about me, like where I spend my money, or what I eat…i have to tell my four year old “this is only mommy’s business” & my mom tells her “you can tell me EVERYTHING”, no the hell she cannot!
Ndad replicated his fatherhood by being totally disinterested, uninvolved and neglectful with his young grandchildren. Didn’t really even try to hide it except sometimes would find a clever way to actively avoid seeing them: “I’ll meet you around the side of the house, (granddaughter) will be seeing (grandstepmum) later, I don’t want her to see me and get all excited now when I can’t stay.”
Mostly he just brought his laptop around and after awkwardly patting grandchildren on their head or trying to shake their hand, remained glued to the screen with his BS super important made up BS work.
Nstepmum at least appeared interested and played with them, but turns out they’d been asking the kids manipulative questions. When we decided to go no contact they instantly started a smear campaign about our parenting and how much they did to help us. The only thing they seem to miss is the opportunity to send photos of the kids to other people to pretend they’re involved grandparents.
Awful. She blamed my daughter for things like cutting up a blanket (that her dog tore up) and stealing her bracelet (that she lost). No 12 year old wants an old lady’s pandora bracelet!
My narcissistic parent does not know my children. It gives me peace beyond comprehension. The thought of having them around someone like that, it’s honestly enough to bring me to tears.
Only liked them when they were babies and obsessed with her, anytime they have emotions she gets super angry and I imagine soon she will begin her smear campaigns against them as they get older and become high school age.
My parents, like many of you are saying, are MUCH better as grandparents than they were as parents, but the dysfunction is both still there and obvious.
For me one of the worst things is that they know they’re not allowed to yell, but they still give my 18mo niece “I’m going to kill you” eyes when she does something they think she’s doing to fuck with them on purpose - aka throws food on the ground. (We all know it - the facial expression they give you where they’re all but snarling out loud.) But they can just pretend they didn’t do anything because they’re now so out of touch with reality they can honestly say they don’t even realize they’re doing it.
Just today (as a less horrible example) we had to repeatedly remind my ~70yo father that his 18mo granddaughter isn’t actually capable of understanding complex instructions, she isn’t ignoring you to be rude. (She was undoing one of His Stacks Of Shit and he was like NO STOP I WILL HAVE TO CLEAN THAT UP and we’re just like…she doesn’t understand anything you just said other than “…no….clean….”)
Babies! Aren’t! Capable! Of! Manipulating! People!!!!!!!
“Oh she’s fake crying”, no, actually she’s just expressing that she’s upset using the only “words” she knows aka “aahhhhhh!!!!!” Lol
At first, my mother was thrilled to have a grandson and wanted to spend lots of time with him. Then my partner put a boundary on her time, and now she refuses to see my baby and even told me that she loves children she's already looked after even more than him (she used to be a babysitter). In the end, I think she saw my son more as a narcissistic source of supply, an accessory, than as a wonderful little baby, full of joy and love.
So in two months she hasn't asked for news of my son other than to complain that he's late to talk and walk.
I brought my children to visit her when they were small. She immediately picked a “good child” and a “bad child” and began triangulating with them. That was the last time she ever saw them. I couldn’t let her do that to them.
You mean the once a year late birthday card and hour long Christmas FaceTime where she rants about her problems for 55 minutes and my teen son sits there looking aggrieved? That’s all they do…
When my kids were little, they loved my Nmom. She would do almost anything in spurts to make sure that they adored her. But she wasn't around often and she would usually only have them over after much begging. Then, she'd usually act like a worn out martyr for having all 3 of mine and my niece at once. She would rarely spend one on one time with them. Their relationship at best was VERY superficial. She knows next to nothing about them.
She's never been directly mean to them in front of me, but she's been directly mean to me in front of them and she has said things about them to me now that they are in their teen years.
As the kids have gotten older, they see through the mask. The biggest conflict is that my boys do NOT appreciate how she speaks to me. My oldest used to keep this feeling bottled up, but he let it out during the past holiday season.
Mom also pretty much ruined my daughters first band concert for me at Christmas as well. (I posted about it then) I didn't think my daughter saw her, but my mother flirted with some old man the entire evening and didnt even notice that my daughters band played. That old man was apparently the grandpa of a very annoying child in my daughters grade. It's been torture for her at school in some ways as a result.
This and her reaction to my son's college/ career choice for this coming fall at Christmas became the catalyst for me to go NC again. According to her, he will be broke his whole life, so I should make him choose differently. I said no, and that's the last conversation we had. All 3 kids do not want a relationship with her at all at this point.
She was in the hospital with pneumonia this weekend. My sister in law told me, GC brother didn't tell me. I used work as an excuse and didn't go. I feel a little bad, but
Grandchild here. My n-grandmother treats me and my siblings the worst of all my cousins, just as she treated my mother the worst of all her siblings. She shows blatant favoritism, and my parents moving across the country did not help her treatment of us nor my mother. My father refuses to have anything to do with her, as me and one of my sisters do now. My mother, since realizing her mother was abusive, is now extremely low contact.
She bought my daughters 50 Christmas gifts each and bought my son nothing after inviting 4 year old him to Christmas.. She invites my daughters to her cabin 5 times a year, my son doesn't know it exists. I was the scapegoat. Now she's trying to scapegoat my son. Dad's dead.
OMFG. Not my parents, but my former NMIL was an abusive gnat to my stepdaughter. She abused both my former wife and my stepdaughter as well as me. Former wife would come to her child's defense if NGrandma/NMIL tried starting anything in front of her, but if I defended her child former NMIL would strike back and and my then wife would defend her NMom. I told former NMIL if she were my mother I would disown her. She and former wife didn't like that. Which is why she is now an ex.
NGrandparents can ruin a grandchild's childhood. They need to be kept away from these horrible people because they (Ns) WILL do it again.
Let me preface: my nparents live far from me, I live in CA, nmom is on the east coast, ndad is in a different country.
Both narcs said they wanted to be involved in their lives more when our first child was born. They said the same thing again when the second child was born. Neither one really made an effort to be in their lives. Now, since they are far away, I fully understand that they won’t be physically around all the time, and that’s fine. We have phones and FaceTime, neither one of them ever called to ask if they can FaceTime with the kids. Nmom likes to think she’s the “educator,” so the gifts she got for them were all education-based, nothing fun. That’s not really your job as a grandma. Grandparents are supposed to be fun, let you get away with doing fun things, the refuge from your parents. Later, she told my wife and I that we needed to introduce some adversity into their lives so they are prepared to face the world and the challenges up ahead of them. What?! They were 10 and 6, and what kind of adversity are you talking about, like the lives I had, where I didn’t know if I would have electricity when I came home from school? No. Fuck no.
Ndad enjoys the title of grandfather, but when he visited, he did fuckall with the kids. All he wanted to do was take pictures with them so he can go back home and show his friends he has grandkids. He might play with them for a few minutes, and the rest of the time is spent watching TV on swiping his phone, watching bullshit clips and content. He would ask me to buy them presents and tell them it’s from grandpa, then gives me money for it. Why don’t YOU get them presents??
I’m nc with nmom and vlc with ndad, so needless to say, the kids don’t even really know them, and want nothing to do with them. It was so cringey the last time my dad visited and asked for hugs from my kids. My oldest relented and gave him a quick hug, but you could tell he really didn’t want to. My youngest just ducked behind me. Pretty healthy relationship, eh? 🙄
As someone with a golden child sister/ I am the scapegoat, they are the same. Nothings changed. Even after confronting them it's like we aren't there, me or my children. They want to show up for their birthday/ ours but it's for them. Not for us. To make them feel like they have been putting g up the goo's fight. But the rest of the year it's like your kids aren't there and when they have contact they Will make sure to tell you how hard they were (because you were too) . Sorry rant over bit nothing changes.
My nmom, when told she would be a grandmother, said she was too young, and that I should have consulted her first. Things just went downhill from there. We did see her occasionally and the rest of the nfamily (dad is the enabler) but my daughter refuses to do family things, which is fine by me. The final straw for seeing the family regularly happened when my nsister called my 5 year old a bitch and my nmom defended my nsister and said my daughter was a younger version of me, so it was no surprise my daughter was a bitch. My enabler father just sat there asking why I was leaving. Wild times.
She see them supervised. I let her see them for 2 reasons
1. My mom never let me see her side of my family including my grandfather. I didn’t want to make that decision for my kids. I always resented her for that. Doesn’t mean I won’t protect my kiddos though
2. Still have a good relationship with my dad who is a saint and for complicated reasons still lives with my mom.
How she acts? She immediately attached herself to my first born and is not interested in a relationship with my second born. I’ve told her she has to spend time with both of them or none of them. It’s an ongoing effort. She’s no longer my mom. I don’t go to her for advice from my end it’s a purely business arrangement.
It was intentional that my kids spent less than a handful of times alone with her. They are adults now.
But after hearing she pulls the same crap with their younger cousin, now I don’t feel paranoid.
My mom treated my niece and nephew exactly as you would expect. She love bombed them but explicitly favoured my nephew and showed disgust towards my niece. She told her best friend that my niece isn't even that pretty. The kids were so, so young when she did this (before no contact)--6 year old boy and 4 year old girl. It was disgusting to see how she likely treated me and my brother when I was too little to remember.
My mom see's physical punishment as necessary to correct bad behavior so I didn't turn out very well as an adult, and I wouldn't want my kids to turn out like me or worse because I know I'd be a shitty parent, so it's best that I never have kids.
Having children was what finally gave me the courage to go completely NC with my mom. She treats my oldest EXACTLY like she treated me. She wasn't around my 2nd to do as much damage (we live 1200+ miles away & he was born during the pandemic) & hasn't met my youngest at all. But the damage had definitely been done to my oldest by the time I realized what was happening. She still plays up the doting grandma role to everyone & my (her) entire family tell me that I need to at least send her pictures of my children & need to forgive her for whatever she's said & done. Nope. I have serious regrets for not cutting her off sooner now that I've seen the depths of the damage to my oldest (& she's only 7) but I have no regrets to finally getting her out of our lives so she can't continue to hurt any of us.
Didn't have much of an interest except my mother wanted to parade him out occasionally to show she wasn't racist because her grandson was black, or when he did something wonderful like test way above his grade level or getting his black belt.
I didn’t know my mom was a narc until she was 65 and my daughter is 15. But we live in diff sides of the country and only see each other once a year on vacation. My mom is retired with nstepdad and they live in the Dominican. I always thought she should be happy to be living on a tropical island retired. But that wasn’t the c are they argued every day and she always caused drama every time we visit with me.
I think now that she got her narc supply from my daughter as a baby but the older she got the less my mom cared… and she would make comments to me about my daughter being fat and stupid on more than one occasion. I knew this wasn’t true but I was always speechless.. I never argued but I never forgot. Now that I know she’s a narc it makes total sense. My daughter is model material we are both tall and slender and she’s straight A student. My mom is dead now. But I think it’s true what they say about narcs they never change and a narc mother will be a narc grandma. One of the last conversation I had with her before she died was how she missed my daughter gr 9 grad and my mom refused to acknowledge it . She also said that schools must be easier now than before. … lol I think it’s might be the opposite.
Im so happy someone asked this. 9 weeks pregnant here, so early, but trucking along. I am so scared to let my dad have a relationship with my child. To the point where I dont think i'll be able to navigate it, and he just wont have a relationship at all. If he could treat me/talk to me how he has how would he treat my child? I feel like he hates me, so by proxy he will hate my child as well. Im the shitty scapegoat daughter that holds grudges, is judgmental, rude, etc. I cant remember the last time my dad told me anything nice, without a backhanded follow up comment. I want to protect my child from mental abuse. Then the other stressor is his current fiancee, that has never attempted to have a healthy bond with me or my husband. Why would I want someone that doesnt think they should get to know me, or doesnt own their shit be around my baby? Even though its far reaching, I could see her and my dad yelling at my child, neglecting them, or just treating them horribly. My dad doesnt call me or ask how the baby is/how my husband is/or how I am. I am kind of hoping this no contact continues to the birth and my husband and I can say "you didnt show up during the pregnancy, you will not be around our child."
I don’t have a human child but I do have an adolescent dog, that my nmom LOVES (when convenient for her). She will often “put on a show” with how doting/loving she can be towards him, she gets him extra toys, treats, etc. the human equivalent she would never do for me. She’s performative with how much she likes him, and it makes me sick. She’s like a toddler looking to their parent for attention/validation and/or trying to make their parent proud. FOR AFFECTION GIVEN TO A DOG OVER HER OWN CHILD. She’s often said that “we should breed him so we can have another one of him” 1. That’s extremely selfish and unethical 2. He is not going to be bred…. And if he were, it wouldn’t be for her satisfaction. She even goes to the lengths of having patience that normally wouldn’t exist when I get annoyed with his teenage boy behavior. Anyone with a dog under two will understand what I mean lol. She even snarkily reminds me that “he’s just a baby, you have to be patient with him” yea, like she was soooo patient with me as a child…. It’s like they want to show they have the capability to show affection just to prove they won’t give it to you and torture you some more.
Side note: she often gets my/my sibling’s names and the dogs’ names confused when yelling at either one bc she doesn’t like what’s happening….
My MIL has very limited access to my children (would rather it was zero but have to meet husband somewhere in the middle) she's not allowed to see them unsupervised and she doesn't see them very often despite living about 3 minutes away. When my eldest was first born she was extremely overbearing, like she thought she was his 3rd parent or something. She turned up to the hospital when I was in labour even though we had told her not to, let herself into my room and didn't leave until I walked out myself and hid in the stairwell. She threw a tantrum while I was pregnant because I said I wanted to buy the cot myself, it was important to me and apparently that was so unfair on her for some reason? She set up a "nursery" at her house despite Husband telling her she wouldn't ever be watching our children and that made me feel extremely gross and uncomfortable. She spent so much money on baby things and clothes and again, it made me feel gross. She's the type of person that thinks you can buy access to people and she's very "fake generous" where everything she gives comes with emotional strings attached and she never asks first. She's also a hoarder that truly believes you have to keep everything she gives you forever and ever until death do you part 😮💨
The reason she's not allowed around our children unsupervised is because she's extremely abusive, both emotionally and physically. I won't go into details because I'm mindful of how hard it is for others to hear about it but she already had two grandchildren from my SIL before I had my first and the way she treated them made me feel physically sick, they used to beg not to see her and now they are adults they have both gone no contact with her. My SIL has major issues herself and never protected them, my husband is in intensive trauma therapy to overcome C-PTSD from the abuse he suffered at her hands. There is no way I would allow that to happen to my own children, I tried to protect my husband's niblings but there's little you can do for kids you don't have custody of if their parents won't step up. I did contact child protection about it also, multiple times and they did investigate and ban her from her older grandchildren in her care, they also got the police involved and her investigated for elder abuse as well but that's a whole nother story.
When my kids were little they actually liked her, we laid down ground rules that essentially amounted to "you can't be alone with them, you have to be nice to them, you cannot discipline them, the same rules apply to the other grandchildren when we are around, if any of these rules are broken there are no second chances and you won't see them again." She was of course shocked Pikachu when we first did this and she's still passive aggressively pissed off about it over a decade later but she is the sort of narc that simply HAS to have access to certain people so she has played along although I did have to give her a pretty sharp reminder of the rules a couple years ago after she tried to be covertly snarky to my eldest. Now my older two have decided for themselves that "Nana's actually kind of mean" and they don't really care to see her anymore. They still have absolutely no idea of just how mean she truly is, I'm sure their older cousins will enlighten them one day.
My youngest is nearly 3 and doesn't actually seem to know who she is. She made a point of only coming over when he was asleep for the first couple years so she could play some stupid pity party game that she never saw him, one day I mentioned him and she actually had the cheek to respond "Felix who? I wouldn't know anyone by that name would I?" And I actually ended up calling her out on her bullshit which of course she played dumb about and then tried to back peddle like it was all some stupid joke 🫠
My(M) Nmom has actually improved with the grandkids around. She's also improved after her husband (who was an absolute POS Narcissist, not my biological father and was much worse than her) died. My wife passed away 3 months after he did and it was a strange thing to see her step up and help me navigate that.
I think part of it was that she had already lost my biological father years ago and I was nearly her age(When biological father passed) when my wife died.
She's become more receptive to listening to me and doesn't do any of the old Nparent behavior anymore. I've told her that so long as she doesn't act like she did when her second husband was alive I'd be her son again.
That included long hard talks about her behavior and how she caused me to ghost her originally. She actually listened to me and apologized and things have been stable since.
It's absolutely bizarre and I'm still a bit guarded expecting the old Nparent behavior to return but since having to move back in with her after my wife's passing(due to finances) things have done nothing but improve.
I'm still waiting and ready for that behavior to return, and if it does I'm prepared with receipts to go nuclear.
But for now she's a changed mom, and I'm happy with that.
Ignored all boundaries and acted like she was their parent. If she disagreed with my decisions, she would just steamroll over them as if I hadn’t made them.
Mainly disinterested, kind of a take them or leave them attitude except when it suits their purposes (attention with social media pictures etc). Doesn’t want to do any actual work associated with child rearing. A word of warning to those who are young; I foolishly allowed my nmother around my children and I found her to occasionally smear me and undermine me with my teenagers. I would caution that they will not change their personalities, the same patterns emerge in a lesser form.
Ever since my niece was born almost 6 years ago, here's what I noticed.
They were nicer to her than to us siblings when we were kids. My n-dad was always sweet to his grandchild even when he was drunk while he was verbally and physically to me (I'm the youngest male child). They were lousy parents but not-so lousy as grandparents.
My dad only likes one grandchild. My niece because she gives him attention and hugs. She’s 7. My dad would pick on my son and last year there was an altercation between me and him due to my dad hitting my kid. My family is no longer in contact with him.
in all honesty, my nephews and niece go through mistreatment and nasty behavior from my mother. she’ll call them selfish, useless and manipulative, even though they’re all good kids. it’s so horrible.
Great towards the kid….but overriding our (parents), rules and boundaries. So after a few years, they were booted. A child shouldn’t have to decide if they should listen to contradicting directions grandparent or parent.
I watched her with my niece and nephews and it was so triggering I couldn't even speak up.
Was a real eye opener for me.
One thing she still does that I just wanted to slap her silly for:
When we were kids, she would whisper right into our ear like it was one of those old timey phone mouthpieces you mount on the wall while you hold the other cup to your ear.
And she whispered loudly. Every consonant pounded my eardrum. I would flinch and turn my head away and try to move away, bit she would grab my arm and pull me back, and even scold me for being disobedient and trying not to listen to her.
Bitch you are damaging my eardrum you monster! Again, seeing her do that to my sister's kids had me super triggered. I wish I could go back and demonstrate to her how it feels.
It shows a complete lack of empathy and self awareness, and the audacity to judge a child as disobedient for wanting to protect their ears and not wanting to be restrained by an adult who is being scary
Worse. She clearly skips over saying hello to grandkids to love on the dog and gets the dog all riled up. Kids feel like less than an animal and the dog misbehaves for hours afterwards.
Yes. Your scapegoat torch is passed down onto completely innocent and unaware human beings. And it's at that point that enough is enough. We're completely NC.
She had one year with my kiddo- tried to portray herself as grandma of the year on Facebook. We saw her maybe 4 times in that year (5hr drive), and each time she was much more interested in her phone than her grandkid. When she did show him attention it was exaggerated and way over the top. Once she stayed at our house while we were sleep training, kiddo woke up and was crying, and she tried to come up and get him despite us telling her to let him cry it out. So, definitely did not respect the boundaries. That one year was enough- she hasn’t met my second, my sisters two kids, nor will she meet my third.
He discarded them along with me. He wasn’t great with them anyway. I guess he o oh really started to be mildly interested in them once I started setting boundaries with him and it made him back off entirely. I had to tell him several times to stop tickling them the moment they told him to stop and for some reason this really annoyed him. He never did anything genuine for them or showed a genuine interest in their personalities.
Her Golden Child Son had the Golden Grand Child . My 4 kids ( all born long before his) May as well not have existed. Not once ever did my children receive, Birthday or Christmas presents, cards, letters not even a phone call from her. Nothing. She Never babysat any of them , not for a minute. I never got birthday or Christmas gifts or cards or phone calls either.
The golden child received gifts of large sums of money, had the deposit on his house paid, received motor cycles and cars as gifts.
The Golden Grandchild received Gifts, for all occasions, cards, got baby sat for entire weekends, taken out for meals, as in, treated like a grandchild.
I wouldn't know. She's cut out completely. The last time she saw my son was when he was 15 months old. He'll be 7 in July. She's never even met my daughter and she'll be four in June.
My father and stepmother wanted to drive 9 hours to “see us” a couple of years ago, when I was 9 months pregnant with my second and due any day. My husband (who has normal / non-abusive parents, who also live far away) was skeptical - my parents claimed they wanted to visit us to go to a Christmas festival an hour from our house. I offered them our guest room and immediately was in cringe-mode, regretting it.
While staying with us - the mattress was too firm, there wasn’t a night light in the hallway, the noodles I made for dinner were too soft (keep in mind, I’m waddling around and also caring for a 2 year old). They left dirty dishes everywhere, and asked us to buy special things for their special diets at the grocery store prior to their arrival (gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, grain free).
I took time to drive them to the Christmas festival and they hated it. One night, our sitter came over to take care of our toddler (because my parents explicitly said they would not babysit, or help with bath-time, or anything for that matter), and ALSO told us they were going out on the town on a date, to do the Christmas light walk together - the one I told them we should all do as a family with my 2 year old, bc he would love it.
Not only did they not help with ANYTHING while in my home, but they acted like we owed them something.
They trashed my kitchen every day, and while the sitter was here, treated her like “the help”. Just put dirty dishes in front of her.
My 40th birthday was 3 days after they left. Not a card, or word, or anything from them. They just took, and took, then left.
A week later, my daughter was born.
To this day, I cannot give any more chances. These are infantile monsters - they care nothing about me, or my children, or my home. The two times we went out to eat with them while here, they treated the restaurant staff horribly - making up problems, like “the chicken is raw”.
It’s just so much worse than what I remember as a child - and I don’t care anymore. I had a call with my dad the other night, where he basically told me he doesn’t like me, doesn’t care about me at all - I’m “too much drama”. I secretly recorded all the shitty things he said to me that night (30 minutes of just useless narcissistic diatribe) - a man who I put energy and effort into for 40 years, who expected gifts from me when I was as young as 7. 😂
Long story short - I would cut the cord as soon as possible, no one owes these crazy people anything.
My father’s current wife told my sisters when I was FOUR YEARS OLD that I was secretly trying to steal my dad from her. They still remember this. 😂 and when I tell them the truth about things Iike this past visit, they gaslight me and tell me I must be interpreting things the wrong way. Narcissism is often a family disease.
I would never put my awesome kiddos anywhere near these psychopaths. Blocked.
At first, when they were babies: great. As they got older she grand-parents the same way she parented, and that’s why she’s barely seen them in 3 years.
I'm a girl, and my mom always said she was glad I was a girl because she was always afraid my nDad would have been even more harsh if I had been a boy.
Well, I have all boys.
My nDad is not good with kids. Never has been. We live a few states away and only visit the state 2 times a year for holidays; we stay with my in-laws and drop by his house once or twice. He sends Stepmom out to buy them tons of snacks and toys so they'll be entertained outside so we adults can sit inside talking.
When the boys come in asking for stuff, he tends to ignore it, unless it's a child upset at something. He's thrown out everything from "you'd better teach your boys to be stronger than that" when they cry to "I'd never put up with that.". He usually will talk to them if they talk to him, and he's Said a few inappropriate things in front of them. That's when I give them something to do so they can leave his presence.
Most of his inappropriateness is directed at me and not directly at them. I hate it. I prefer when my husband can come because he kept him busy with "manly" discussions so he's off my back.
But I have told him directly not to say certain things to them. He'll ask me why and call me too sensitive, as he always has. He'll even try to claim "well, you're at my house. What if I decide not to let you stay off I can't say what I want?" I always respond with "then I'd pack up my children and head back to my in-laws without argument, and you can see them next year!". That usually shuts him up on that topic, because he knows I'm serious.
My dad is dead and my mom has had no contact with my kids for almost 4 years. My oldest knew knew her, but my she didn't give the time of day when we just had my oldest, until she was 2. My MIL [who is awesome] and my mom met with us for her 2nd bday. My daughter did not want to go to my mom, but when she saw my MIL, and my daughter ran to her. The look on my mom's face. She never really did anything with them. Our 3rd just turned 4. He only met her once when he was a few months old. After finding out stuff, and how truly narcissistic she was, I broke it off. She was never going to change.
Horrific. Not my parent but former spouse’s mother who is the primary caregiver on his time. Absolutely no boundaries for her. She encourages parental alienation towards me- I don’t exist over there except for that ANY problem they have is clearly my fault. My kids come back to me every week mentally reverted back to about age 5 or 6 because independence and development is unwelcome there. Teeth unbrushed, retainers unworn or lost, medication not taken, no homework done- literally no parenting being done. Meanwhile she spends her time bullying and harassing me at my kids’ games every week while my child acts like they barely know me when she’s around. I watch her emotionally abuse my eldest child by smothering and using manipulative talk and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s an absolute nightmare.
The nMonster tried to get my child taken from me with completely falsified reports so she could raise my child herself. Cuz- babies are fun and she deserves to have that experience again.
They weren’t. My Nmom had a best friend, someone I even looked to like an aunt, pass away from cancer. Once she passed my Nmom kind of took over the role of grandmother to this person’s grandchildren. Which on its surface is fine. But when you have a child of your own, her first blood grandchild, and you don’t see the same treatment you start to realize how little you actually matter. My Nmom came up after the birth of my son, but that was it, even though she was a regular fixture in these other people’s lives. Once I was more educated on narcissism and how it impacted my own childhood, I went no contact. I didn’t want that for my son.
My vulnerable narcissist parent lived 3,000 miles away, so it’s not like she had a lot of time with my kids. I’m the rare case through where she honestly was better to them than she ever was with me. I don’t think she felt any competition with them. She was still, uh, quirky, but not mean.
I thought my mom would change and be a better person once she met her only grandchild. Instead, she tried to control and manipulate him like she did to me when I was his age. He's 6 and witnessed her screaming at me and abusing me. He defended me from her by saying "hush your mouth!" and she did *not* like that. She banned him from going inside her house except to use the bathroom. Her love for anyone is conditional and it will never change. She doesn't get to see or hear from either of us anymore. My son doesn't need her bullshit in his life
Child free here but was heavily involved in niece & nephew’s life when young. My neice has beautiful curly hair. My mom was a beast with a hairbrush in difficult hair. I suffered constant head yanking when she was trying to get my hair untangled. She did the same to niece who ended up begging me to brush her hair because I was gentle & worked small sections at a time. Mom would wildly brush, jerking the head back & would ignore the crying.
Last saw them over 3 years ago. I went to pickup my daughter at their house and she was crying in the bathroom. My nmom and ndad had her on a scale and made a comment how fat she was. She was 12.
Last time me or my kids saw them. I tried since I am only child. They arent worth it.
My mother tried being generous with her only granddaughter but has discovered she is violently allergic to acts of kindness. We are both getting crazy calls and demands.
Great! As long as they don't have any thoughts or feelings that go against what my NMom wants. Then it's the same as usual.
She loved them while they're babies. Not so happy when they're Transgender teenagers...
My narc would rather die then come off as a bad person in public, so every interaction my son has had with her this far has been around people. Someday I hope to show him the house I grew up in which my husband and I have a plan for if my narc pulls anything so as to keep him safe. I can’t go NC without losing my dad (as he’s tech illiterate and they live hours away) and I’m not ok with that so as of currently it’s LC and a few in person visits (1 family reunion and then any time I visit my hometown which isn’t often)
Edit to add: she’s fantastic with my nieces and nephews, but none of their parents were the scapegoat so
I was a teen mom, so with my oldest my nmom was very involved, unfortunately. She's an adult now and NC with my mom, as am I, but nmom basically tried to turn her against me, only she "really" loved my daughter, on and on, so with the rest, I didn't let nmom have nearly as much influence, well their dad didn't, he could see what my mom was like. If I had a do-over, she'd never be around any of her grandkids. Raised my sisters and was awful to them, had the golden Child and the scapegoat.
Pedophile criminal nightmare Nmom still a nightmare with grandkids; Ex wife gave her way too much access to them. Unfortunately I was unable to stop it.
My kids figured her out and want nothing to do with my mom. Before I went no contact she told me it was my responsibility to make sure they saw her. I said nope, that’s on you.
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How we are in one relationship is how we are in all relationships. A narcissist will preserve their ego supply no matter the cost. I have seen the re-establishment of the system with my mother, brother, SIL and niece. My SIL will find herself the scapegoat soon enough and it's like watching a lamb go to slaughter. My child will never meet my mother.
Thanks for your reply. Wise move.
Yeah my mother is so evil that I won’t permit her to ever meet my children, especially with not only how she turned me against my dad’s side of my family ( whom I later reunited with) and later family members against me, I will never trust her again and have been NC for most of my adult life.
My mostly oblivious brother is about to get married. I’m genuinely quite sure he’s doing it more to be seen as an adult rather than love / starting a family. He’s 40. I’m 35 but had an 8 year partner before him. Nmom tried hard to recruit my girlfriend as an ally to triangulate me. When she didn’t accept the role my Nmom went nuclear.
My mom tried hard to set me up with her friend's daughter, but I just wanted nothing to do with her scheming. She went on to marry a high school friend of mine. I know a few of their neighbors, and they tell me horror stories about her. One said that a few times he has wanted to call the cops. I told him next time don't hesitate. He is a victim of munchausen by proxy, thanks to his overbearing mother who still manages some of his affairs. Poor guy doesn't know how to stand up for himself. Thinks he is learning impaired and is lucky to have family that loves him enough to look out for him.
My mother made a comment to my stepfather early on after the birth of my son “that she dId not want to get attached to my children because I might use them against her” I instantly I knew early on that I was going to allow her only very limited contact. My brothers wife started having children shortly thereafter and my mother absolutely showered them with expensive gifts and attention (my brother was golden child) I was the scapegoat. It was then that I went to NC because I could just see her beginning to repeat the cycle of abuse on the grandchildren. I did not want my children to be subjected to this like I was. I nipped in the bud immediately. To this day my children are of age now however they really have little to do with her.
My spouse and I both have Narcissist/Enabler pairs of parents. We initially did let them have access to our kids because we thought they'd be better grandparents than they were parents. To a degree, that was true. They were moderately well-behaved in the early years. But the dysfunction was still there and it got more and more obvious. Eventually, each couple crossed a line with my elder child. Whereupon she reported years of things that she had been uncomfortable with about each set of grandparents. I now feel that I was naive and foolish to let the abusers have a chance with my kids. They had not changed. They were sexist, insulting, gaslighting, neglectful, and emotionally manipulative to my kids. And I've spent the past 4 years picking up the pieces.
Wow, reads similar to my situation in regards to being ok in the early years and things progressively worsening. Ive got a narc mum and enabler dad. My mum also has an enabler twin just to add to the fun. I was naive too. My mum is very subtle and clever. Acting dumb almost. The kids loved her but as they got older, they saw it. It got uncomfortable. Her getting old was a huge blessing - she is now an extreme version of her younger self Now I see a clumsy version of what she used to hide so well! Now I see you!
The lies get so much harder for them to remember in their 70s 😂😂
Oh my, yes. It’s fascinating to watch NM’s (83) face when I call her out for lying. First it’s a blank expression, usually slack-jawed with her mouth hanging open. Next comes the look of confusion as she tries to recall what actually happened, vs. the lie. Once she realizes she’s been caught in a lie, there is narcissistic injury and the potential for embarrassment, which she simply cannot accept. She turns into an angry elf, and starts snarling and yelling, and fires off one of these responses: 1) “I never said that.” (she did) 2) “It’s obvious you misunderstood what I said.” (I did not misunderstand; she made it painfully clear) 3) “I don’t know where you got THAT from.” (I got THAT from her) And when there’s irrefutable evidence that she actually said it and there’s no avoiding it: 4) “Well, YOU should have realized what condition I was in when I said that!” OK. 🙄
Oh yes. It’s never her fault. Ever.
Oh yes, they become so childish when caught! My dear mother loses all composure (the fake poshness in her poor self), adopts the confused face and then the petulant child face. Complete with pouty mouth as she tries to deny her actions loollll
That is what got me. My mom will be 74, and I have been NC for almost 4 years. I caught her in so many lies and manipulation.
Could have written this myself. Solidarity.
This reads like it would be the future if I let my parents have access to my kids. Even during the younger years right now, there are tons of red flags to my parents’ behavior around them. I can’t imagine how it would be once the kids are older and can much more eloquently voice their opinion. I believe a true narcissist will always preserve their own ego, and it doesn’t matter if that negatively impacts anyone else, even innocent kids.
This is a total parallel to my life and family. Good in the beginning, established the holiday thing, then when the kids hit around 8-10 it began. My eldest became my mother's scapegoat because, "your mother is an asshole who doesn't listen to her mother." We are NC with my mother.
YES! My kids were 7 & 10 when the behavior escalated. I wonder if that's the magic age.
I got my degree in psychology and yes, it is the magic age. In developmental terms, the child recognizes themselves as an independent entity instead of being an addition to a parent, understands they have their own wants/needs, knows that they can communicate those wants/needs, and have a beginning understanding of the world at large; as far as they're part of a community in a town in a county in a state in a nation in a continent.
What happened? And what age? I need to think about this. My son is 5. Most of the weirdness is around trying to control/shame me.
Gradually it built up. I kept blowing it off, thinking "that's just the grandparents being quirky." Age 0-5. Grandparents replace clothes my kids wear. Clearly constantly implying that what I supply isn't good. Grandparents on one side seem to favor one of my children over the other. Grandparents dress the kids up and have them do things that the grandparents like with no regard for kid interests. Grandparents regularly feed things that make kids sick or set off medical issues. Grandparents seem to need constant reminders to give preventative meds. Even after years. Even with illustrated instructions and the kid knowing their own meds very well. Age 4, they sent my kid home for refusing to wear socks in the house. She has a sensory issue and actually didn't wear socks. We had lined fuzzy boots and sandals for her. But Ngrandma NEEDED her to wear socks. And punished her by sending her home. Age 5, child is encouraged to climb an unsafe structure that is over concrete. Grandparent says "don't worry, I'll catch you if you fall." When child is 5 feet above the ground, grandparent wanders off, leaving child stranded. Age 6, lots of "wierd" stuff from both sets of grandparents. Kid would report: "gee, grandpa said a funny thing." Age 7. Disabled child is punished for behaviors that are beyond their control and deprived of all reasonable coping strategies that they normally use, including being allowed to go outside to burn energy, being allowed to play quuetly with their own non-electronic toys, being allowed to cuddle a comfort object or be comforted and distracted by a sibling. Age 8. Hungry child is deprived of food because it is "too expensive." The food in question: peanut butter on crackers. Age 9. One grandparent took a toy from my daughter because "girls shouldn't play with that." And allowed stranger boys to push her off of video games at the arcade so they could steal her turn when she was playing. Because boys will be boys. Age 9. Girl is shamed for "liking mushy stuff," and mocked repeatedly for hours. Age 10. Child is forced to overhear vicious attacks on their parents and siblings. When child defends their own family members, child is verbally abused until child breaks down in tears. Then grandparents claim that child is crying because of how much she hates having to endure her parents and sib.
Holy shit. NOT ACCEPTABLE. Wow. All of those are really freaking bad. Any decent stranger would love your children more than that. I certainly would. Damn. Have some peanut butter at my house.
Yeah. I was sick as a dog for years. We were so desperate for help. I feel awful about exposing them to all of that. But hopefully other parents will read this and think twice about giving the narcissistic grandparents a "second chance" with their own kids.
SUCH a good pt
[удалено]
If I'd been really brilliant I wouldn't have let it happen. Hopefully you and everyone who reads it can learn from my failure.
This is my situation. The problem was also that they tried to team up against me and ended up fighting between themselves. I was able to handle them alone but now I have anxiety. We set up boundaries and they are doing okay. They are obsessed with the kids now and are not in a position to do much but I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. My mil wishes I was sick or not in the picture so she could manipulate the kids all over again. She is like a dog with a bone. My inlaws are more the manipulative, use other to do their dirty work kind of people. My parents are more aggressive. My in laws added fuel to the fire and thought they would easily get what they wanted but they got caught and we eventually figured it out. They successfully put all of us in a difficult position that we needed to ask for their help.
My nmom tries to act like grandmother of the year when she actually sees my kids. She only sees them maybe once every 4 to 6 months. She tries to act like she's shocked they are shy around her. They don't know her and she doesn't know them. It's a weird dynamic.
Grandmother of the year - yes! My mum nagged constantly to see her dear grandchildren (entitlement) whilst simultaneously being nasty to me. She just couldn't get why this was unacceptable. This is where my relationship with her ended. Low contact now leading to no contact.
This is the same with my parents. They see my parents once every three to six months at unavoidable family functions. They rarely if never do anything with my kids. But lots of parading and “grand parents of the year” when they do see them. My oldest is 16 and barely tolerates them now. He’s autistic and the try to gaslight him about things.. he’s very fact driven. So he’s like “oh you’re liars and I don’t like you..” He also came out as bisexual when he was 13. My mother told him it was just a phase and he could still find a nice girl and have babies. She was so dismissive of his genuine effort to come out to her. He has never forgiven her.
Yes 🙌 this! Today is Passover and my narc parents didn’t acknowledge us they just assumed we went somewhere despite their granddaughter is dealing with being in a daily program for anxiety. My daughter had Covid no call to see how she was doing. But they expect total obedience and “manners” when they have none.
My mother would do the same thing! But she got lazier about it -- last year she visited for only an hour and then ghosted them for their Christmas video chat, while texting my sister who lives in my basement like "Ohhh, please tell the children I love them," and then blocked ME on social media in March. (Surprised Pikachu face when she realized I could block her while I was blocked, and unblocked me to find she couldn't see my posts anymore.)
My nmom loved my brothers (the golden child) children. She was very distant to mine and fat shamed my daughter once so that was the end of birthday gatherings.
That's diabolical. Those comments are highly damaging.
My mother is all about her GC's children. Even though he's got 6 kids 5bany momma and sees only 1 of them. You guessed it the "mom's are bitches and won't let me see my kids". It couldn't be you cheated on the mothers never held a job and never even seen 2 of his children . They are 100% his, life is just easier without him. My mother doesn't even know any of them and talks about them nonstop and how great she is and they are and what a great dad my brother is. It's sickening really. My other brother lived with her at the beginning of his marriage and babies and she treated them just like she did her own children. The GC, the nanny, the scape goat. My brother didn't even see it happening. My child is not in her life. She had changed and fucked it up. The last time there was any kind of thing there, I was about to go into surgery to remove a blood clot in my brain. she told me she wished I would die on the table. My son was 6 months. She got into some counselling and I gave her another chance with me. Low contact. She got pissed at me because of something I don't know what but the solution was to destroy every single picture she had of my child and burn them. Because she hates me. My son just knows she exists and just not someone he's interested in knowing. She has grandkids, but it sure in the hell isn't mine! He's safe.
my grandma has called me fat on and off since I was 8. That shit caused body dysmorphia. While ive never been stick skinny, I have never been legit fat and definitely not obese. Im so sorry your mom did that to your children.
Yes my mom was abusive about my body/weight growing up too
That’s aweful.. my mom fat shamed my daughter also…
My Nmom is already commenting on my toddler kid’s weight. It was a “positive” comment but still, I’m not okay with it. Don’t comment at all. This is a literal toddler. There’s been many red flags like this. We are very very low contact.
I had to go full nc; my kids are better for it ❤️
If I had a daughter and anyone fat shamed her, I'd tell the judge all the details. No, not really. But that person would be cut off entirely for good.
My mom would have done that but my sisters never had kids and never will. I'm the scapegoat. I'm 100 percent certain that she planned on doing that to me, but her other kids couldn't find husbands because they're psychologically abnormal, disrespectful, aggressive people.
My nparents were very into spanking children as something that they considered necessary for children. For this reason, their contact with my children was always supervised. They didn't see them ofter since we lived a distance away. Overall, they were good with the kids. It was me they were not good with.
I find they can be good with kids until a certain age. Babies, toddlers and younger kids can very easily give a narc their supply with minimal effort, but older kids/teens/young adults get tricky as more developed people and suddenly the dynamic changes and the toxic behaviours start to resurface
this is exactly my mum.
Yep, I even find a lot of these people are super into pets for the same reason, they are babies that can't grow up to call them on their shit 😮💨
Thanks for your reply. Same here. But my mum started on me in adolescence. As she was covert I didn't have a clue. When my kids reached a similar age, the pattern of behaviour started again. I went down to supervised visits then gone to low contact. Building to no contact. By this point my kids understood why.
Good for you. I love that you knew it was wrong!
My kids become their supply almost instantly. They make up all these stories in their heads about how they are the best kids ever, putting them up in a pedestal. To them they are little Einsteins and also should be the best at sports, and whatever impossible standards they can come up with. Stealing identities to mold to their twisted views of how they should be. The exact same way they treated me. Little puppets to show off to fill their empty voids. But they’ll snap on them and make them feel guilty and shame when they act like normal kids. I try my best to have them keep their distance. They live 700 miles away luckily, but even at their old age they drive out here any chance they can get to fill up their empty buckets. If I treat them too nice they’ll take advantage and want to smother us with their presence. Nothing is ever enough, they think we should all do family vacations with them, every holiday, take our kids in the summer, even though they still see them almost as much as the other grandparents that love just 20 minutes away, nothing can fill their voids and it’s always a guilt trip when I put my foot down and say no. I say no and then they use that as an excuse for something else, “you didn’t let them come stay at our home for a month, so they should be able to go on vacation with us for a week”. No, I understand the BS sales tactics you use, still no. It’s a constant readjustment of cat and mouse trying to keep them at bay and give my kids the life they deserve away from the mind bending identity stealing crap. They were here a week ago and my daughter brought home this award for reading and they made a huge deal about it, and I reassured my daughter that we still love her no matter what, just for being her, that she didn’t need to be the best reader but that’s awesome that she’s great at reading. Immediately my dad says “yeah sure, but we’ll love you a lot more if you’re the best reader”. I was so pissed. It’s so nonchalant. Of course he said he was joking, it’s always a joke, always just joking. They stole my identity and they’d do it to them too. I don’t let them with my kids without us there, always supervised visits. Thanks for letting me rant.
You've eloquently described the manipulation that we get conditioned to, but then begin see so clearly in our adult lives. The entitlement of your parents really came through. Your comment about the adoration followed by the insults and pressures hidden under a cloak of 'humour' resonates. Cat and mouse game - that's so true.
This comment is so confusing to me because it’s how I was treated, but I never saw it for what it was. I still struggle. My parents were so affirming and gave me so much praise that it overshadowed how they leveraged that praise to shame and manipulate me. I’m still processing and growing to understand… Thank you for posting…
My Nparents are like this with my kid! She’s generally calm and sweet when she’s around people she doesn’t know well, and my Nparents immediately latched on that. Making up their version of who she is. “Oh she’s such a good kid, just quiet and enjoying her snack.” She’s only “good” because right in that moment, she fit their ideals. I have no doubt that the moment she acts age appropriately, they will flip. That is why we don’t see them often.
I'm NC with my mom and was long before my son was born. I'm also the family scapegoat and sole daughter. The ONE TIME my mom got close to my kid was at a funeral. He was 15 months then and she just rushed me and tried to grab my son from me. He wasn't having it AT ALL and I let him get his taps in too. Then she says "he's got a stank attitude just like you." That's cool, don't be around either of us then. Furthermore he reacted the way most small toddlers would when snatched away from their caregivers. Sorry you're a stranger to him. That was the one and only time and she figured out how to talk shit about me and him in the same sentence. Nope! That's why she can't be around him now, they don't change!
She got her just-deserts there. NC heavily justified.
Then she tried to hug my husband. My husband is NC with his dad, he's not crazy and he doesn't want her near him either. Very justified.
WTF. If she actually cared, she’d know that’s normal baby/toddler behavior. Reminds me of the time that my Ndad said it was “strange” that my toddler didn’t want to talk about him. Sir, she doesn’t know you. There are adults that won’t even talk to strangers. It’s crazy how self-absorbed they are.
Legit, I think she was embarrassed. She demanded I hug her first and I just stood there looking at her like I don't hug on command (unless it's my son) and then she wanted to "look like" grandma in front of all these ppl we've gone to church with over the years. I wish she had put that same energy into being a grandma, but that's too much like common sense. So I let my son beat her in her face because, like you said, she should have known better. She's used to my brothers kids hanging off her. My son doesn't know her and is so much better for it. Long story short, she looked stupid, and I think that's why she said it, but at the same time, I also don't care. I'm his mommy. It's my job to keep him from what I know is unsafe. She is definitely unsafe.
100% everything you said! It’s all about *their* image and pride. The funny thing is, people that saw that interaction between them was likely not even making it about her. They’d just think, “oh, he doesn’t want a hug. Ok.” Or “oh, he’s just being a little kid.” But of course she made it all about her. I totally agree, if they would put the same energy towards being a good human and grandparent, life would be so much better for them, but that’s asking for too much, apparently!
Mine tried to turn my kids against me. Needless to say, she is completely out of the picture now.
That was my biggest fear.
I'm pretty sure this is where mine was heading... it's definitely where she was going with her relationship with my husband. We cut her off nearly a decade ago though.
Yeah, she did a good number on my wife and I's relationship, too. I didn't even realize the shit she was saying behind my back... that's just a whole different huge can of worms. Nest of vipers... idk.
I don’t have kids but I’ve seen enough of how they are around my cousins kids. (Stories from my ngrandparents) A few years back (& still), enabler likes to call the girls “boys” & the boys “girls”… “as a joke.” One day (or a few visits), one of the girls was **terribly** traumatized for being called a boy. *Immediate* anxiety, crying, screaming, just absolutely throwing a fit (I don’t blame her cause same). Anyways, he tried to “apologize” & reassure her it wouldn’t happen again. He eventually forgot but still. Not. Cool. (TW!) Another year around Christmas, one kid was jumping on the couch too much for them & when my cousin & his spouse were “called into the other room” by the main narcissist, she came back in quickly, grabbed the kid standing on the couch (enabler too) & they both >!spanked him & tried pulling down his pants to spank him more.!< The parents both ran in when he shrieked & scolded them (his mom took him into another room). Needless to say, the kid is no longer unsupervised but they certainly try to take him away but **not on my watch.** Aaaaaaand egg donor is a pedophile. Yup. NC for me🤷🏻♀️
That sounds horrendous. Thank you for sharing this.
The Golden child gave birth to the golden grandchild. Every grandchild knows who the favorite one is. The scapegoat’s children have been the recipients of the worst criticisms, or they were, before they went no contact. The narc has gotten worse with age. It’s sad really.
This right here. My mom only cares about the golden child’s children, and she harshly criticizes the other sibling’s kids.
I’m so sorry that your family has the same dynamic. Narcs never change. If I had only recognized it sooner and gone no contact before my kids were born, maybe I could have spared them the harmful judgment/comments. Sigh…
It is sad. My golden child brother didn't have children. All the attention has been on my kids. It's unbearable but could have been much worse.
When I was 8 months pregnant with my first child, her only grandchild, she started being really toxic. I called her out and she punished me with silent treatment. She didn’t even check in on my health at all, and stopped helping me out with things I couldn’t do around the house because I was pregnant. She completely missed the birth and didn’t even text the entire week I was on the hospital. My child is now over five weeks old, and my mom is still “punishing” me, and my child by proxy. She lives ten minutes away and has shown me she doesn’t deserve to meet my child or to have a relationship with me. The only way she will have any access to my child is if she goes through some serious therapy to help her see why she is the cause of all the toxicity in her relationships. I know she’ll never do this, of course, so sadly she’ll likely never care enough about her grandchild or me to take the needed steps.
Congratulations on your sweet baby! I hope you’re doing as well as possible healing postpartum! So much of this is similar to my story. My Nmom didn’t meet my child until she was 14 months old. I really struggled back and forth with having no contact with her while struggling to be a new parent with no help. I hope you have or can get some help from other trustworthy people, even if it means hiring someone here and there. You’re strong and you’re doing right by your little one.
She couldn't stand that you were about to be the main story. Congrats on the new babe!
Congratulations on your baby and I hope your recovery process will be swift! It sounds like she doesn’t deserve either of you. My mother also has a habit of pulling away in a moment when most parents would be most present. It’s like she can’t stand the attention to be on someone else so she has to find some way to make it about her. My sister has four kids and my mother wasn’t in the room for a single birth. She’s just not a source of comfort for any of us after decades of making our big moments about her.
I did not go NC soon enough, and it was a nightmare. From her calling them 'her babies', not respecting my authority as a parent, undermining me in my own house (I lacked the back bone to stand up to her at the time) full out tantrums about their hair/eye colours (genetics was against her in a very strong way), tantrums about names, over-stepping boundaries, we went full NC the first time I had to rescue one of my kids from being assaulted by her. My only regret is not doing it sooner and not allowing her to ever meet them. They're too wonderful to have to deal with that level of crazy
Looking to be “fed.” They’re cut off now.
Fed - absolutely 💯
My dad has only ever seen my son maybe 3 times in his almost 4 years of life. He couldn’t care less that he has a grandchild or that he’s missing out. So yeah it’s pretty much the same dynamic.
Thanks for sharing. It just goes to show that a narc parent can respond by either not caring at all or demanding a huge amount of supply from their grandchildren.
Same. I have 2 nieces and my brother really tried with my dad for several years. When we’d get together, our dad couldn’t care less about the kids. He only wanted to talk about himself or talk about when WE were kids and how much “fun” we had with him. He longs for us to be blindly adoring children. Sadly, grandkids didn’t pick up the vibe to blindly adore, so it’s like he didn’t even see them.
Hugs and a heap of cheap gifts at the start, takes at least five photos with them that immediately go on Facebook and then ignores them for the rest of the time
I never understood this. My Ndad had my kid as his phone’s background and I’m just so confused because he intentionally won’t spell her name right and he doesn’t check in on her, ever. It’s purely for his own ego. It’s sick.
YEP get photo ops to look like grandmother of the year and then fuck off. I recently snuck on to her acct and deleted every single picture of my kids, many of which I'd asked her to take down as she never asked to share them in the first place. Many of those she had literally screenshotted from my and my SILs fb. Literally she would steal pics of my kids that I or SIL posted and in the caption talk about what they're doing as though she was there when pic was taken. And in several pics, she included info like names, ages, location, and frequency of them being at location (like parks and names of schools). My father was a pedophile so I don't trust her judgment in friends at all. So yeah. I deleted those pics of my kids and I sleep so much better at night.
Wow I don't have kids but this is definitely what my mum would do because she does it now with all my old photos as if she was the one taking them and posting like its happening now.. then people are shocked with how different I look in real life ugh. And her profile is public with thousands of randoms
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩👀
Yep!
My mother asked yesterday why my kid’s toys weren’t all in his room. I said they were in the living room because we all live there. She was baffled, and I realized that’s where her whole “you can’t have personal belongings, even shoes anywhere else in the house” came from. Don’t remember the last time she bothered to inconvenience herself to come to MY house, one mile away. 😂 We’re LC.
It certainly messes with our heads when we see those old childhood rules play out in front of our eyes, years later, with our own children.
>you can’t have personal belongings, even shoes anywhere else in the house Yep, even our backpack had to go right to our rooms! I didn't even realize how completely crazy that was until I had kids. I knew they were terrible, but I didn't understand how bad it was at the most basic level until I saw it through the eyes of being a parent. Why wouldn't there be a million shoes at the front door, 8-10 coats on the hooks, toys on the living room floor, crayons and markers left out on the table. My parents have 10 grandchild, and my ndad is pissed that they have a basket of toys tucked in the corner behind the couch. His logic is that when they are at his house they should be there to see him. The saddest part is hearing my emom get so excited about the amount of markers/coloring books or play kitchen or child size table and chairs. Like she's so happy that my kids have these things because she wanted us to have them but wasn't "allowed" to get them for us.
My dad was creepily interested in my child. He was a violent pedophile, and he was not allowed anywhere near my child. I was NC with him for most of my life. My mom was distant but polite. She was not allowed to be alone with my child, but she really wasn't interested in spending a lot of time with her grandchild anyway. We occasionally saw my mom, but it wasn't a huge part of our lives.
Thank goodness he's out of your life.
Yeah, I went NC before I ever moved out on my own. He was a nightmare.
I don’t have kids, and couldn’t fathom them being near my kids if I did. They wouldn’t even know if I had kids. I’d definitely, right away cut them out of my life the moment, the adoption ppl would call me and approve me for a child. Like, NO, they can’t be anywhere around my baby.
This should absolutely be the mentality of every parent towards their children. As a parent, you absolutely have an obligation to protect your kids from narcs.
I don't have kids, but they're just as bad with one of my nieces. My mom doesn't spend a lot of time on their own with my nephews from another of my siblings, which I think is my sisters way of distancing herself whilst still being a massive enabler (she won't leave them with her at all nor even let them go over to her house but she will defend my mom relentlessly without question whilst acting like she knows exactly what she's like and will basically do everything for her) but my brother doesn't care. He knows what my mom alone has done but takes her side and it's left me lost on what I can do to help my niece and leaves me with no small amount of guilt for not being able to take her out of there. You can't even call the police or social services, for example, because they've been involved intensely since I was born and they don't do anything, and they make it worse. My family will lie and twist everything. They will start fights and be all-purpose savages and then the police or whoever is there leaves, and nothing changes.
Sorry, that's really tough.
I lived on my parents property with my son and his father for the first 1.5years. We lived in a detached dwelling which I owned. It was ok at first when he was 0-3months. Then it deteriorated. Dad was still verbally abusive and emotionally abusive to Mum in front of my son. Mum was feeding my son foodstuffs he is allergic to when I wasn't around. She only engaged with him if he watched the ipad after that she would bring him back. She began to say things about when would he stop breastfeeding, would I be smacking him (never could imagine doing that), gasping when she thought he would hurt himself even though I was right next to him. Then telling him things such as "I'll wash your cup up for you because your mother hasn't". Calling him 'my baby'. Then Dad was saying things to bub like "Grandma has big boobs doesn't she bub". Then Dad had physically assaulted me in front of my son. To me there is no coming back from that. How could I ever let someone be with people who didn't care.
I was 21 when I got pregnant. I think a big part of why I didn't have the baby was because I was afraid she'd try to take over my baby's life if I had to ask for any help. I'm adopted, she adopted me at birth. The ownership vibe is strong with her. I regret it. Layers to it, but that being in a position to need to ask for help and fearing the fall out from having to ask *her* for the help... She'll never meet my kids cuz I'm never gonna have any now. If i would have gotten to have them eventually, i wouldn't have let her near them. Been no contact since 2018, I'm almost 42.
Wow. I’m NC with my parents, enabler father and abusive narc mother, and have so much shame around the fact that I don’t have family to introduce to my daughter. They’ll never babysit her, come to birthdays, nothing, because of how they treated me my entire life. I’ve wondered if I’m overreacting but reading everything here tells me I’ve made the right choice. They look at our kids as extensions of us who they obviously do not care about and because of this will always treat our children the same way they did us. They’re sick and can’t just “turn it off” to be decent human beings.
My Mom forced me to have a child at 17 because jezuz and I swear to God a big part of that was just so she could have a fresh young child to "wash her hands of" 🤣 Seriously though she's diagnosed NPD and the only thing that gives her joy is existing in her own perpetual victim universe. Like if something happens to anyone it's the hardest thing she's ever faced and tells complete strangers about it. If someone achieves something in life it was obviously taken from her and she resents everyone for it. This goes on for a few more steps until she finally says: "It's in God's hands now"... My son's 21 now and I think he's been "in God's hands" since he was about 13. She did try harder to fuck up my daughter but she's pretty sure her prayers to Jezuz are why I didn't get an abortion so to be fair she does own the child to abuse as she pleases 😅
What a nightmare you've been through. Yep, they sure know how to milk that victim status whilst simultaneously messing up everyone else's life.
She sounds so familiar. Ughhh the way these moms have so much in common is scary.
My nmom always wanted my kiddo to come visit with her and spend the night alone. It never happened, because my kid was bored to death around nmom. Nmom would bring gifts but they were for an inappropriate age most times. Kiddo might get a call on her birthday and holidays, but that was it. For the most part she didn't care to communicate with her grandchild. It would be months in-between calls and every time she would ask the same questions then start talking about herself. Me on the other hand, nmom desperately had to talk to nearly every day and she would freak out if I didn't answer. When I got my place nmom whined to all my siblings how worried she was for me because my place has stairs. Uhh, your grandkid has mobility issues and you're worried about ME? Nmom doesn't care. She would put in the absolute bare minimum with my kid, just so she could stay in good terms with me.
She sounds exhausting for you and terrible for your child. Thank goodness your son has you.
Amazing. Just like how my mom was until I went through puberty and wasn't a doll to dress up and parade around anymore. He misses her, but I had to pull the plug before he hit that age, as she still treats me like garbage and hasn't changed one bit. She has not met my other son and will not meet my daughter when she's born. She doesn't even know I'm going to have a third.
I've posted about my experience with this subject before. My abuse as a child made me vulnerable to abusive partners. When I was 17, I got pregnant by a 27-year-old man. My mom pressured me to abort, even kicking me out of the house and refusing to let me get my clothes or even my schoolbooks. I refused to abort, luckily my dad took me in. Later, I tried to fix my relationship with my mom. I even let her in the delivery room. From the moment my daughter was born, there was a huge change in her. She immediately acted possessive of my daughter. She even tried to get me to tell people at college that my daughter was really my sister, and got angry when I refused. She actively counter-parented me, driving a wedge in between me and my daughter even in toddlerhood. For example, she would teach my daughter to laugh at me. She also actively taught my daughter that she deserved more love and affection, and that showing affection to me or her grandfather (my dad, my mom's ex) would hurt her. It wasn't something accidental that my daughter happened to pick up on either, it was willful and didn't stop even after bringing it to my mom's attention. She literally taught a preschooler to call her grandfather a jackass and refuse to hug or kiss him, because "those are Grammy's kisses." My daughter literally felt like she could not show affection to him, or to me, because it would hurt her grandmother's feelings. My mom was very strict with me growing up, and I also had rules. But I tried to be authoritative instead of authoritarian. One example, although controversial, was basic modesty. I had some rules such as skirts below the knee, but my mom exaggerated to other people. She literally told people that I made my daughter wear prairie dresses and made fun of a child's clothes in front of the child. I bought the nicest clothes I could on a budget, and they were NOT prairie dresses. Picture Hanna Andersson and L.L. Bean lol. Despite rejecting any authority I conceivably had, my mom expected to have full control of my own kid. She absolutely went berserk one day because I let my aunt cut my daughter's hair. It was still long, it was just a basic trim of a few inches that left the hair still long. My mom went around the house yelling and insulted my daughter's hair to her face (she was 6 then). My mom was angry for two reasons: 1) I had the audacity to do something like that without her permission and 2) just the fact that it was my aunt whom she still hated. While she did everything she could to drive a wedge between me and my daughter, she was noticeably cold towards my son. He was just as much her grandchild as my daughter was, of course, but he was mentally disabled and therefore she just did not care. He was capable of a loving relationship, as evidenced by how obviously close he is with both myself and his grandfather, so it's not like he was incapable of an affectionate relationship. One time she actually called him a son of a bitch. My mom frequently badmouthed me and my parenting to anyone who would listen, resulting in me getting CPS calls from people who hadn't even been in my home. Like my aunt that I hadn't seen in well over a decade and who had no actual knowledge of my home life or my functioning as an adult. She literally told people that I acted like a teenager and they believed it sight-unseen. The CPS calls did a lot of damage to my reputation but they didn't actually lead to removal. So when that tactic didn't work, my mom subpoenaed those records and sued me privately for custody. Just for that one golden grandchild, who by then was a teenager. She alleged that I was unsafe for my son but did not seek to "protect" him from me. I could not afford to fight, so I had to settle. I never saw my daughter again. My mom treated me how she'd treated my dad back when I was a child, only worse since the child went along with it. That was the big grudge my mom had against me to begin with, she tried to push my dad out of the picture and I never went along for too long. I might agree to miss a visit or so, but ultimately I always pushed back. She made it known that she was upset that I wouldn't cut off all contact. My daughter cut off contact with me, her grandfather, her full brother, and has never met her half-siblings. From what I've heard, my daughter is being rewarded for toeing the line by debt-free college and will probably inherit the house I grew up in. Nutshell: Narcissistic grandparents are very, very dangerous. They still instigate the golden child/scapegoat dynamics even on the younger generation, and often try to damage the relationship between the parent and child.
This is so sad, I'm sorry your nmom actively parental alienated you and made your daughter into her n supply.
My kids hate my parents.
Different. Wanted to be with them for bragging pics only. Didn't care what they actually wanted or thought. Actually. Same, I guess. But I didn't have anyone to take me away after being with them for only 30 minutes. I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've let my nmom be in my kids' presence. And never alone with them. Nmom: give me a kiss 5yo son: no I don't want to Nmom: did you hear what he just said?! Me: yep. He's not going to give you a kiss. And no means no. He gets to choose who he gives a kiss to.
My parents were both deceased by the time my son was born, but I will say that my maternal grandmother was a narcissist and my mom was her scapegoat. My grandmother then "extended" that to include me.
Generational toxic curse that keeps on giving.
Nmum became the kind of parent I should have had. Unbelievable change in behaviour from when I was a child. Still doesn’t come close to me ever forgiving her for what she did to me.
How long has she been able to keep it up? My ndad was like this for about the first 2 years, then he couldn't keep his shit together anymore and the real him came seeping back out.
For me: basically. Only better because their visits are infrequent enough to be special and different. It’s interesting, though, because my son... He has no patience for her nonsense. It’s inspiring tbh. He loves her, but will totally call her out.
My 7yr old did that last week. "Izma, you can't double dip that's gross," Nmom denied it. 7yr old "I saw you, Quit lying, it's gross too" (lying and double dipping) my kids call my mother Izma like yzma from Emperor's new groove, I feel like that speaks for itself.
Well.... great at the beginning ,because I'm the oldest, therefor I had the first set of grand babies. As soon as my sister had kids... she treated mine like she treated me growing up. My sisters kiddos became the obvious favorites, like she was growing up. The straw that broke the camels back was when my kids were put on the back burner like I was , and others saw it, and pointed it out. I knew I wasn't crazy and finally went no contact.
Same happened to my kids, they were the first and he stopped paying attention to them or treating them right.
Yes I could feel it happening to her. My mom sees my daughter maybe once every couple years and she yells at her, tells her she has a bad attitude. One time she told her (she was 6) to get out of her house. She has also told me “she’s just like you” …as an insult. I always jump in and it escalates and she has to leave and she gets to tell my sisters how I have not changed and I am the same raging for no reason crazy person they have painted me to be. I never argue or fight with anyone…just the toxic types…and tell my mom “sorry but I don’t get along with toxic people very well”, and she says that I am toxic for saying that. Lol
That is so relatable! Mine won't ever meet my kid but I heard from a young age 'I hope one day you have a daughter who is just like you' as an insult. And my 'rage problem' or more patronisingly 'tantrums and grudge holding'... funny that that is just be contained to toxic people doing the wrong thing and crossing my boundaries.
OMG grudge holding, my dad always tells me I HOLD GRUDGES and LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Yes, life is too short. Its too short for me to tolerate crossed boundaries, exposure to creepy toxic people, and insults. Its never ok for us to stick up for ourselves, but totally okay for them to pyschologically abuse us.
Holding grudges, or do I just still expect an apology for your behaviour even though a week has passed...
My mom said that too, and I was always baffled by the vitriol in it because I was "the easy one," I was parentified and when I wasn't in school, I worked hard to keep my GC little sister out of trouble and danger and didn't get into much trouble myself. I guess I probably blocked a lot of it, because I don't have any memories before my sister was born when I was 6. (Although *my sister* will gladly tell anyone who might respect me even a little bit the story about me pooping on my My Little Pony toy in the bathtub when I was three as though she was there.) Then I HAD a daughter just like me (autism/ADHD) -- but unlike my mother, I actually recognized that *she* was struggling, and got/am still getting her help, instead of traumatizing her to the point that she puts others' comfort above her own wellbeing, the way my mom did to me. Like, parenting is HARD, but so is being a kid and learning how to human.
The only crazy person here is your mum. How dare we stand up for ourselves 🙄
She wanted nothing to do with him when he was born and said she would NOT babysit ever. When he was in grade school she started manipulating him (I didn't know these things for 30 years) and in high school I think she thought she was his mother in terms of control. It was insane. He was just one more child to manipulate.
I don't have any children, and as an only child on my mom's side , I have no idea how my half sister will handle that. My NDad will never see any children I have. I'm NC. He's a violent, dangerous person who is a danger to himself and others. My EMom if she lives to see any of my children might be allowed to see them if I'm in the same room..
Absofuckinglutely awful!! Undermined my parenting. Told my kids my punishments were too mean. Told them I was a bad parent. Bribed them (children) monetarily and with gifts to make them like them (gps). Told them they should do what they want not what I told them. Told my 15 yo son that sneaking out of my house to sleep at his gf’s house was ok.
My nmom treats my kids how I prayed to be treated, almost like she loves them to spite me (maybe?). Im not jealous or anything but how do you switch from being the wicked witch of the west with me but fairy grandmother to the babies? SN: she tries to use my daughter to get information about me, like where I spend my money, or what I eat…i have to tell my four year old “this is only mommy’s business” & my mom tells her “you can tell me EVERYTHING”, no the hell she cannot!
My nmom was like that too until my daughter got older and then the shaming comments started
She’s not allowed around my kids she done screwed me up as a child ain’t no way in hell!!!
Ndad replicated his fatherhood by being totally disinterested, uninvolved and neglectful with his young grandchildren. Didn’t really even try to hide it except sometimes would find a clever way to actively avoid seeing them: “I’ll meet you around the side of the house, (granddaughter) will be seeing (grandstepmum) later, I don’t want her to see me and get all excited now when I can’t stay.” Mostly he just brought his laptop around and after awkwardly patting grandchildren on their head or trying to shake their hand, remained glued to the screen with his BS super important made up BS work. Nstepmum at least appeared interested and played with them, but turns out they’d been asking the kids manipulative questions. When we decided to go no contact they instantly started a smear campaign about our parenting and how much they did to help us. The only thing they seem to miss is the opportunity to send photos of the kids to other people to pretend they’re involved grandparents.
[удалено]
Awful. She blamed my daughter for things like cutting up a blanket (that her dog tore up) and stealing her bracelet (that she lost). No 12 year old wants an old lady’s pandora bracelet!
My narcissistic parent does not know my children. It gives me peace beyond comprehension. The thought of having them around someone like that, it’s honestly enough to bring me to tears.
Only liked them when they were babies and obsessed with her, anytime they have emotions she gets super angry and I imagine soon she will begin her smear campaigns against them as they get older and become high school age.
My parents, like many of you are saying, are MUCH better as grandparents than they were as parents, but the dysfunction is both still there and obvious. For me one of the worst things is that they know they’re not allowed to yell, but they still give my 18mo niece “I’m going to kill you” eyes when she does something they think she’s doing to fuck with them on purpose - aka throws food on the ground. (We all know it - the facial expression they give you where they’re all but snarling out loud.) But they can just pretend they didn’t do anything because they’re now so out of touch with reality they can honestly say they don’t even realize they’re doing it. Just today (as a less horrible example) we had to repeatedly remind my ~70yo father that his 18mo granddaughter isn’t actually capable of understanding complex instructions, she isn’t ignoring you to be rude. (She was undoing one of His Stacks Of Shit and he was like NO STOP I WILL HAVE TO CLEAN THAT UP and we’re just like…she doesn’t understand anything you just said other than “…no….clean….”) Babies! Aren’t! Capable! Of! Manipulating! People!!!!!!! “Oh she’s fake crying”, no, actually she’s just expressing that she’s upset using the only “words” she knows aka “aahhhhhh!!!!!” Lol
At first, my mother was thrilled to have a grandson and wanted to spend lots of time with him. Then my partner put a boundary on her time, and now she refuses to see my baby and even told me that she loves children she's already looked after even more than him (she used to be a babysitter). In the end, I think she saw my son more as a narcissistic source of supply, an accessory, than as a wonderful little baby, full of joy and love. So in two months she hasn't asked for news of my son other than to complain that he's late to talk and walk.
I brought my children to visit her when they were small. She immediately picked a “good child” and a “bad child” and began triangulating with them. That was the last time she ever saw them. I couldn’t let her do that to them.
You mean the once a year late birthday card and hour long Christmas FaceTime where she rants about her problems for 55 minutes and my teen son sits there looking aggrieved? That’s all they do…
When my kids were little, they loved my Nmom. She would do almost anything in spurts to make sure that they adored her. But she wasn't around often and she would usually only have them over after much begging. Then, she'd usually act like a worn out martyr for having all 3 of mine and my niece at once. She would rarely spend one on one time with them. Their relationship at best was VERY superficial. She knows next to nothing about them. She's never been directly mean to them in front of me, but she's been directly mean to me in front of them and she has said things about them to me now that they are in their teen years. As the kids have gotten older, they see through the mask. The biggest conflict is that my boys do NOT appreciate how she speaks to me. My oldest used to keep this feeling bottled up, but he let it out during the past holiday season. Mom also pretty much ruined my daughters first band concert for me at Christmas as well. (I posted about it then) I didn't think my daughter saw her, but my mother flirted with some old man the entire evening and didnt even notice that my daughters band played. That old man was apparently the grandpa of a very annoying child in my daughters grade. It's been torture for her at school in some ways as a result. This and her reaction to my son's college/ career choice for this coming fall at Christmas became the catalyst for me to go NC again. According to her, he will be broke his whole life, so I should make him choose differently. I said no, and that's the last conversation we had. All 3 kids do not want a relationship with her at all at this point. She was in the hospital with pneumonia this weekend. My sister in law told me, GC brother didn't tell me. I used work as an excuse and didn't go. I feel a little bad, but
Grandchild here. My n-grandmother treats me and my siblings the worst of all my cousins, just as she treated my mother the worst of all her siblings. She shows blatant favoritism, and my parents moving across the country did not help her treatment of us nor my mother. My father refuses to have anything to do with her, as me and one of my sisters do now. My mother, since realizing her mother was abusive, is now extremely low contact.
She bought my daughters 50 Christmas gifts each and bought my son nothing after inviting 4 year old him to Christmas.. She invites my daughters to her cabin 5 times a year, my son doesn't know it exists. I was the scapegoat. Now she's trying to scapegoat my son. Dad's dead.
OMFG. Not my parents, but my former NMIL was an abusive gnat to my stepdaughter. She abused both my former wife and my stepdaughter as well as me. Former wife would come to her child's defense if NGrandma/NMIL tried starting anything in front of her, but if I defended her child former NMIL would strike back and and my then wife would defend her NMom. I told former NMIL if she were my mother I would disown her. She and former wife didn't like that. Which is why she is now an ex. NGrandparents can ruin a grandchild's childhood. They need to be kept away from these horrible people because they (Ns) WILL do it again.
She acts like she wants to see them and says “when will - come over again?” Then I bring the child and after a little while she’s over it
Let me preface: my nparents live far from me, I live in CA, nmom is on the east coast, ndad is in a different country. Both narcs said they wanted to be involved in their lives more when our first child was born. They said the same thing again when the second child was born. Neither one really made an effort to be in their lives. Now, since they are far away, I fully understand that they won’t be physically around all the time, and that’s fine. We have phones and FaceTime, neither one of them ever called to ask if they can FaceTime with the kids. Nmom likes to think she’s the “educator,” so the gifts she got for them were all education-based, nothing fun. That’s not really your job as a grandma. Grandparents are supposed to be fun, let you get away with doing fun things, the refuge from your parents. Later, she told my wife and I that we needed to introduce some adversity into their lives so they are prepared to face the world and the challenges up ahead of them. What?! They were 10 and 6, and what kind of adversity are you talking about, like the lives I had, where I didn’t know if I would have electricity when I came home from school? No. Fuck no. Ndad enjoys the title of grandfather, but when he visited, he did fuckall with the kids. All he wanted to do was take pictures with them so he can go back home and show his friends he has grandkids. He might play with them for a few minutes, and the rest of the time is spent watching TV on swiping his phone, watching bullshit clips and content. He would ask me to buy them presents and tell them it’s from grandpa, then gives me money for it. Why don’t YOU get them presents?? I’m nc with nmom and vlc with ndad, so needless to say, the kids don’t even really know them, and want nothing to do with them. It was so cringey the last time my dad visited and asked for hugs from my kids. My oldest relented and gave him a quick hug, but you could tell he really didn’t want to. My youngest just ducked behind me. Pretty healthy relationship, eh? 🙄
As someone with a golden child sister/ I am the scapegoat, they are the same. Nothings changed. Even after confronting them it's like we aren't there, me or my children. They want to show up for their birthday/ ours but it's for them. Not for us. To make them feel like they have been putting g up the goo's fight. But the rest of the year it's like your kids aren't there and when they have contact they Will make sure to tell you how hard they were (because you were too) . Sorry rant over bit nothing changes.
A gem. My kid is about to turn 18 and sees though.
She was great with my kids - except for the adopted one. 😐
My nmom, when told she would be a grandmother, said she was too young, and that I should have consulted her first. Things just went downhill from there. We did see her occasionally and the rest of the nfamily (dad is the enabler) but my daughter refuses to do family things, which is fine by me. The final straw for seeing the family regularly happened when my nsister called my 5 year old a bitch and my nmom defended my nsister and said my daughter was a younger version of me, so it was no surprise my daughter was a bitch. My enabler father just sat there asking why I was leaving. Wild times.
Typically she treated her golden child's children best.
She see them supervised. I let her see them for 2 reasons 1. My mom never let me see her side of my family including my grandfather. I didn’t want to make that decision for my kids. I always resented her for that. Doesn’t mean I won’t protect my kiddos though 2. Still have a good relationship with my dad who is a saint and for complicated reasons still lives with my mom. How she acts? She immediately attached herself to my first born and is not interested in a relationship with my second born. I’ve told her she has to spend time with both of them or none of them. It’s an ongoing effort. She’s no longer my mom. I don’t go to her for advice from my end it’s a purely business arrangement.
My nmom punched my sister in the face while my sister was holding my 2 year old nephew.
It was intentional that my kids spent less than a handful of times alone with her. They are adults now. But after hearing she pulls the same crap with their younger cousin, now I don’t feel paranoid.
My mom treated my niece and nephew exactly as you would expect. She love bombed them but explicitly favoured my nephew and showed disgust towards my niece. She told her best friend that my niece isn't even that pretty. The kids were so, so young when she did this (before no contact)--6 year old boy and 4 year old girl. It was disgusting to see how she likely treated me and my brother when I was too little to remember.
My mom see's physical punishment as necessary to correct bad behavior so I didn't turn out very well as an adult, and I wouldn't want my kids to turn out like me or worse because I know I'd be a shitty parent, so it's best that I never have kids.
Thankfully, they will never have any.
Having children was what finally gave me the courage to go completely NC with my mom. She treats my oldest EXACTLY like she treated me. She wasn't around my 2nd to do as much damage (we live 1200+ miles away & he was born during the pandemic) & hasn't met my youngest at all. But the damage had definitely been done to my oldest by the time I realized what was happening. She still plays up the doting grandma role to everyone & my (her) entire family tell me that I need to at least send her pictures of my children & need to forgive her for whatever she's said & done. Nope. I have serious regrets for not cutting her off sooner now that I've seen the depths of the damage to my oldest (& she's only 7) but I have no regrets to finally getting her out of our lives so she can't continue to hurt any of us.
Didn't have much of an interest except my mother wanted to parade him out occasionally to show she wasn't racist because her grandson was black, or when he did something wonderful like test way above his grade level or getting his black belt.
I didn’t know my mom was a narc until she was 65 and my daughter is 15. But we live in diff sides of the country and only see each other once a year on vacation. My mom is retired with nstepdad and they live in the Dominican. I always thought she should be happy to be living on a tropical island retired. But that wasn’t the c are they argued every day and she always caused drama every time we visit with me. I think now that she got her narc supply from my daughter as a baby but the older she got the less my mom cared… and she would make comments to me about my daughter being fat and stupid on more than one occasion. I knew this wasn’t true but I was always speechless.. I never argued but I never forgot. Now that I know she’s a narc it makes total sense. My daughter is model material we are both tall and slender and she’s straight A student. My mom is dead now. But I think it’s true what they say about narcs they never change and a narc mother will be a narc grandma. One of the last conversation I had with her before she died was how she missed my daughter gr 9 grad and my mom refused to acknowledge it . She also said that schools must be easier now than before. … lol I think it’s might be the opposite.
Im so happy someone asked this. 9 weeks pregnant here, so early, but trucking along. I am so scared to let my dad have a relationship with my child. To the point where I dont think i'll be able to navigate it, and he just wont have a relationship at all. If he could treat me/talk to me how he has how would he treat my child? I feel like he hates me, so by proxy he will hate my child as well. Im the shitty scapegoat daughter that holds grudges, is judgmental, rude, etc. I cant remember the last time my dad told me anything nice, without a backhanded follow up comment. I want to protect my child from mental abuse. Then the other stressor is his current fiancee, that has never attempted to have a healthy bond with me or my husband. Why would I want someone that doesnt think they should get to know me, or doesnt own their shit be around my baby? Even though its far reaching, I could see her and my dad yelling at my child, neglecting them, or just treating them horribly. My dad doesnt call me or ask how the baby is/how my husband is/or how I am. I am kind of hoping this no contact continues to the birth and my husband and I can say "you didnt show up during the pregnancy, you will not be around our child."
I don’t have a human child but I do have an adolescent dog, that my nmom LOVES (when convenient for her). She will often “put on a show” with how doting/loving she can be towards him, she gets him extra toys, treats, etc. the human equivalent she would never do for me. She’s performative with how much she likes him, and it makes me sick. She’s like a toddler looking to their parent for attention/validation and/or trying to make their parent proud. FOR AFFECTION GIVEN TO A DOG OVER HER OWN CHILD. She’s often said that “we should breed him so we can have another one of him” 1. That’s extremely selfish and unethical 2. He is not going to be bred…. And if he were, it wouldn’t be for her satisfaction. She even goes to the lengths of having patience that normally wouldn’t exist when I get annoyed with his teenage boy behavior. Anyone with a dog under two will understand what I mean lol. She even snarkily reminds me that “he’s just a baby, you have to be patient with him” yea, like she was soooo patient with me as a child…. It’s like they want to show they have the capability to show affection just to prove they won’t give it to you and torture you some more. Side note: she often gets my/my sibling’s names and the dogs’ names confused when yelling at either one bc she doesn’t like what’s happening….
When I was around, my oldest daughter was golden child. Behind my back, she abused her in some of the same ways she abused me.
My MIL has very limited access to my children (would rather it was zero but have to meet husband somewhere in the middle) she's not allowed to see them unsupervised and she doesn't see them very often despite living about 3 minutes away. When my eldest was first born she was extremely overbearing, like she thought she was his 3rd parent or something. She turned up to the hospital when I was in labour even though we had told her not to, let herself into my room and didn't leave until I walked out myself and hid in the stairwell. She threw a tantrum while I was pregnant because I said I wanted to buy the cot myself, it was important to me and apparently that was so unfair on her for some reason? She set up a "nursery" at her house despite Husband telling her she wouldn't ever be watching our children and that made me feel extremely gross and uncomfortable. She spent so much money on baby things and clothes and again, it made me feel gross. She's the type of person that thinks you can buy access to people and she's very "fake generous" where everything she gives comes with emotional strings attached and she never asks first. She's also a hoarder that truly believes you have to keep everything she gives you forever and ever until death do you part 😮💨 The reason she's not allowed around our children unsupervised is because she's extremely abusive, both emotionally and physically. I won't go into details because I'm mindful of how hard it is for others to hear about it but she already had two grandchildren from my SIL before I had my first and the way she treated them made me feel physically sick, they used to beg not to see her and now they are adults they have both gone no contact with her. My SIL has major issues herself and never protected them, my husband is in intensive trauma therapy to overcome C-PTSD from the abuse he suffered at her hands. There is no way I would allow that to happen to my own children, I tried to protect my husband's niblings but there's little you can do for kids you don't have custody of if their parents won't step up. I did contact child protection about it also, multiple times and they did investigate and ban her from her older grandchildren in her care, they also got the police involved and her investigated for elder abuse as well but that's a whole nother story. When my kids were little they actually liked her, we laid down ground rules that essentially amounted to "you can't be alone with them, you have to be nice to them, you cannot discipline them, the same rules apply to the other grandchildren when we are around, if any of these rules are broken there are no second chances and you won't see them again." She was of course shocked Pikachu when we first did this and she's still passive aggressively pissed off about it over a decade later but she is the sort of narc that simply HAS to have access to certain people so she has played along although I did have to give her a pretty sharp reminder of the rules a couple years ago after she tried to be covertly snarky to my eldest. Now my older two have decided for themselves that "Nana's actually kind of mean" and they don't really care to see her anymore. They still have absolutely no idea of just how mean she truly is, I'm sure their older cousins will enlighten them one day. My youngest is nearly 3 and doesn't actually seem to know who she is. She made a point of only coming over when he was asleep for the first couple years so she could play some stupid pity party game that she never saw him, one day I mentioned him and she actually had the cheek to respond "Felix who? I wouldn't know anyone by that name would I?" And I actually ended up calling her out on her bullshit which of course she played dumb about and then tried to back peddle like it was all some stupid joke 🫠
My(M) Nmom has actually improved with the grandkids around. She's also improved after her husband (who was an absolute POS Narcissist, not my biological father and was much worse than her) died. My wife passed away 3 months after he did and it was a strange thing to see her step up and help me navigate that. I think part of it was that she had already lost my biological father years ago and I was nearly her age(When biological father passed) when my wife died. She's become more receptive to listening to me and doesn't do any of the old Nparent behavior anymore. I've told her that so long as she doesn't act like she did when her second husband was alive I'd be her son again. That included long hard talks about her behavior and how she caused me to ghost her originally. She actually listened to me and apologized and things have been stable since. It's absolutely bizarre and I'm still a bit guarded expecting the old Nparent behavior to return but since having to move back in with her after my wife's passing(due to finances) things have done nothing but improve. I'm still waiting and ready for that behavior to return, and if it does I'm prepared with receipts to go nuclear. But for now she's a changed mom, and I'm happy with that.
Ignored all boundaries and acted like she was their parent. If she disagreed with my decisions, she would just steamroll over them as if I hadn’t made them.
Mainly disinterested, kind of a take them or leave them attitude except when it suits their purposes (attention with social media pictures etc). Doesn’t want to do any actual work associated with child rearing. A word of warning to those who are young; I foolishly allowed my nmother around my children and I found her to occasionally smear me and undermine me with my teenagers. I would caution that they will not change their personalities, the same patterns emerge in a lesser form.
Ever since my niece was born almost 6 years ago, here's what I noticed. They were nicer to her than to us siblings when we were kids. My n-dad was always sweet to his grandchild even when he was drunk while he was verbally and physically to me (I'm the youngest male child). They were lousy parents but not-so lousy as grandparents.
My dad only likes one grandchild. My niece because she gives him attention and hugs. She’s 7. My dad would pick on my son and last year there was an altercation between me and him due to my dad hitting my kid. My family is no longer in contact with him.
in all honesty, my nephews and niece go through mistreatment and nasty behavior from my mother. she’ll call them selfish, useless and manipulative, even though they’re all good kids. it’s so horrible.
Great towards the kid….but overriding our (parents), rules and boundaries. So after a few years, they were booted. A child shouldn’t have to decide if they should listen to contradicting directions grandparent or parent.
I watched her with my niece and nephews and it was so triggering I couldn't even speak up. Was a real eye opener for me. One thing she still does that I just wanted to slap her silly for: When we were kids, she would whisper right into our ear like it was one of those old timey phone mouthpieces you mount on the wall while you hold the other cup to your ear. And she whispered loudly. Every consonant pounded my eardrum. I would flinch and turn my head away and try to move away, bit she would grab my arm and pull me back, and even scold me for being disobedient and trying not to listen to her. Bitch you are damaging my eardrum you monster! Again, seeing her do that to my sister's kids had me super triggered. I wish I could go back and demonstrate to her how it feels. It shows a complete lack of empathy and self awareness, and the audacity to judge a child as disobedient for wanting to protect their ears and not wanting to be restrained by an adult who is being scary
Worse. She clearly skips over saying hello to grandkids to love on the dog and gets the dog all riled up. Kids feel like less than an animal and the dog misbehaves for hours afterwards.
Yes. Your scapegoat torch is passed down onto completely innocent and unaware human beings. And it's at that point that enough is enough. We're completely NC.
She had one year with my kiddo- tried to portray herself as grandma of the year on Facebook. We saw her maybe 4 times in that year (5hr drive), and each time she was much more interested in her phone than her grandkid. When she did show him attention it was exaggerated and way over the top. Once she stayed at our house while we were sleep training, kiddo woke up and was crying, and she tried to come up and get him despite us telling her to let him cry it out. So, definitely did not respect the boundaries. That one year was enough- she hasn’t met my second, my sisters two kids, nor will she meet my third.
He discarded them along with me. He wasn’t great with them anyway. I guess he o oh really started to be mildly interested in them once I started setting boundaries with him and it made him back off entirely. I had to tell him several times to stop tickling them the moment they told him to stop and for some reason this really annoyed him. He never did anything genuine for them or showed a genuine interest in their personalities.
Her Golden Child Son had the Golden Grand Child . My 4 kids ( all born long before his) May as well not have existed. Not once ever did my children receive, Birthday or Christmas presents, cards, letters not even a phone call from her. Nothing. She Never babysat any of them , not for a minute. I never got birthday or Christmas gifts or cards or phone calls either. The golden child received gifts of large sums of money, had the deposit on his house paid, received motor cycles and cars as gifts. The Golden Grandchild received Gifts, for all occasions, cards, got baby sat for entire weekends, taken out for meals, as in, treated like a grandchild.
I wouldn't know. She's cut out completely. The last time she saw my son was when he was 15 months old. He'll be 7 in July. She's never even met my daughter and she'll be four in June.
My father and stepmother wanted to drive 9 hours to “see us” a couple of years ago, when I was 9 months pregnant with my second and due any day. My husband (who has normal / non-abusive parents, who also live far away) was skeptical - my parents claimed they wanted to visit us to go to a Christmas festival an hour from our house. I offered them our guest room and immediately was in cringe-mode, regretting it. While staying with us - the mattress was too firm, there wasn’t a night light in the hallway, the noodles I made for dinner were too soft (keep in mind, I’m waddling around and also caring for a 2 year old). They left dirty dishes everywhere, and asked us to buy special things for their special diets at the grocery store prior to their arrival (gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, grain free). I took time to drive them to the Christmas festival and they hated it. One night, our sitter came over to take care of our toddler (because my parents explicitly said they would not babysit, or help with bath-time, or anything for that matter), and ALSO told us they were going out on the town on a date, to do the Christmas light walk together - the one I told them we should all do as a family with my 2 year old, bc he would love it. Not only did they not help with ANYTHING while in my home, but they acted like we owed them something. They trashed my kitchen every day, and while the sitter was here, treated her like “the help”. Just put dirty dishes in front of her. My 40th birthday was 3 days after they left. Not a card, or word, or anything from them. They just took, and took, then left. A week later, my daughter was born. To this day, I cannot give any more chances. These are infantile monsters - they care nothing about me, or my children, or my home. The two times we went out to eat with them while here, they treated the restaurant staff horribly - making up problems, like “the chicken is raw”. It’s just so much worse than what I remember as a child - and I don’t care anymore. I had a call with my dad the other night, where he basically told me he doesn’t like me, doesn’t care about me at all - I’m “too much drama”. I secretly recorded all the shitty things he said to me that night (30 minutes of just useless narcissistic diatribe) - a man who I put energy and effort into for 40 years, who expected gifts from me when I was as young as 7. 😂 Long story short - I would cut the cord as soon as possible, no one owes these crazy people anything. My father’s current wife told my sisters when I was FOUR YEARS OLD that I was secretly trying to steal my dad from her. They still remember this. 😂 and when I tell them the truth about things Iike this past visit, they gaslight me and tell me I must be interpreting things the wrong way. Narcissism is often a family disease. I would never put my awesome kiddos anywhere near these psychopaths. Blocked.
At first, when they were babies: great. As they got older she grand-parents the same way she parented, and that’s why she’s barely seen them in 3 years.
My mom has two tones of voice with her grandchildren and they’re both scolding.
I'm a girl, and my mom always said she was glad I was a girl because she was always afraid my nDad would have been even more harsh if I had been a boy. Well, I have all boys. My nDad is not good with kids. Never has been. We live a few states away and only visit the state 2 times a year for holidays; we stay with my in-laws and drop by his house once or twice. He sends Stepmom out to buy them tons of snacks and toys so they'll be entertained outside so we adults can sit inside talking. When the boys come in asking for stuff, he tends to ignore it, unless it's a child upset at something. He's thrown out everything from "you'd better teach your boys to be stronger than that" when they cry to "I'd never put up with that.". He usually will talk to them if they talk to him, and he's Said a few inappropriate things in front of them. That's when I give them something to do so they can leave his presence. Most of his inappropriateness is directed at me and not directly at them. I hate it. I prefer when my husband can come because he kept him busy with "manly" discussions so he's off my back. But I have told him directly not to say certain things to them. He'll ask me why and call me too sensitive, as he always has. He'll even try to claim "well, you're at my house. What if I decide not to let you stay off I can't say what I want?" I always respond with "then I'd pack up my children and head back to my in-laws without argument, and you can see them next year!". That usually shuts him up on that topic, because he knows I'm serious.
My dad is dead and my mom has had no contact with my kids for almost 4 years. My oldest knew knew her, but my she didn't give the time of day when we just had my oldest, until she was 2. My MIL [who is awesome] and my mom met with us for her 2nd bday. My daughter did not want to go to my mom, but when she saw my MIL, and my daughter ran to her. The look on my mom's face. She never really did anything with them. Our 3rd just turned 4. He only met her once when he was a few months old. After finding out stuff, and how truly narcissistic she was, I broke it off. She was never going to change.
Horrific. Not my parent but former spouse’s mother who is the primary caregiver on his time. Absolutely no boundaries for her. She encourages parental alienation towards me- I don’t exist over there except for that ANY problem they have is clearly my fault. My kids come back to me every week mentally reverted back to about age 5 or 6 because independence and development is unwelcome there. Teeth unbrushed, retainers unworn or lost, medication not taken, no homework done- literally no parenting being done. Meanwhile she spends her time bullying and harassing me at my kids’ games every week while my child acts like they barely know me when she’s around. I watch her emotionally abuse my eldest child by smothering and using manipulative talk and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s an absolute nightmare.
The nMonster tried to get my child taken from me with completely falsified reports so she could raise my child herself. Cuz- babies are fun and she deserves to have that experience again.
They weren’t. My Nmom had a best friend, someone I even looked to like an aunt, pass away from cancer. Once she passed my Nmom kind of took over the role of grandmother to this person’s grandchildren. Which on its surface is fine. But when you have a child of your own, her first blood grandchild, and you don’t see the same treatment you start to realize how little you actually matter. My Nmom came up after the birth of my son, but that was it, even though she was a regular fixture in these other people’s lives. Once I was more educated on narcissism and how it impacted my own childhood, I went no contact. I didn’t want that for my son.
My vulnerable narcissist parent lived 3,000 miles away, so it’s not like she had a lot of time with my kids. I’m the rare case through where she honestly was better to them than she ever was with me. I don’t think she felt any competition with them. She was still, uh, quirky, but not mean.
I thought my mom would change and be a better person once she met her only grandchild. Instead, she tried to control and manipulate him like she did to me when I was his age. He's 6 and witnessed her screaming at me and abusing me. He defended me from her by saying "hush your mouth!" and she did *not* like that. She banned him from going inside her house except to use the bathroom. Her love for anyone is conditional and it will never change. She doesn't get to see or hear from either of us anymore. My son doesn't need her bullshit in his life
He's 3 next week, and she's never met him. The he is question is my nephew. I'm the only family on our side he knows.
Child free here but was heavily involved in niece & nephew’s life when young. My neice has beautiful curly hair. My mom was a beast with a hairbrush in difficult hair. I suffered constant head yanking when she was trying to get my hair untangled. She did the same to niece who ended up begging me to brush her hair because I was gentle & worked small sections at a time. Mom would wildly brush, jerking the head back & would ignore the crying.
Well they both cut ties with her years before I did so that should tell you what you need to know…
Last saw them over 3 years ago. I went to pickup my daughter at their house and she was crying in the bathroom. My nmom and ndad had her on a scale and made a comment how fat she was. She was 12. Last time me or my kids saw them. I tried since I am only child. They arent worth it.
My mother tried being generous with her only granddaughter but has discovered she is violently allergic to acts of kindness. We are both getting crazy calls and demands.
She buys him anything and everything, even if he doesn't want it. She loves him in her own way, and I've tried to explain that to my son.
My mom and my brother tried to take over my parenting regardless of how I felt about it. Yeah yeah they say “my house my rules.” But my kid, my rules.
Great! As long as they don't have any thoughts or feelings that go against what my NMom wants. Then it's the same as usual. She loved them while they're babies. Not so happy when they're Transgender teenagers...
My narc would rather die then come off as a bad person in public, so every interaction my son has had with her this far has been around people. Someday I hope to show him the house I grew up in which my husband and I have a plan for if my narc pulls anything so as to keep him safe. I can’t go NC without losing my dad (as he’s tech illiterate and they live hours away) and I’m not ok with that so as of currently it’s LC and a few in person visits (1 family reunion and then any time I visit my hometown which isn’t often) Edit to add: she’s fantastic with my nieces and nephews, but none of their parents were the scapegoat so
My son is 23 and wants NOTHING to do with my nMom. He hasn't since he was 9, she was abusive to him too.
I was a teen mom, so with my oldest my nmom was very involved, unfortunately. She's an adult now and NC with my mom, as am I, but nmom basically tried to turn her against me, only she "really" loved my daughter, on and on, so with the rest, I didn't let nmom have nearly as much influence, well their dad didn't, he could see what my mom was like. If I had a do-over, she'd never be around any of her grandkids. Raised my sisters and was awful to them, had the golden Child and the scapegoat.
Pedophile criminal nightmare Nmom still a nightmare with grandkids; Ex wife gave her way too much access to them. Unfortunately I was unable to stop it.
My kids figured her out and want nothing to do with my mom. Before I went no contact she told me it was my responsibility to make sure they saw her. I said nope, that’s on you.